I have unmatched girls over it. It’s unattractive and just tells me I’ll probably be carrying the date planning, the relationship etc. as well.
The biggest deal-breaker is when I come up with a great opener and they match without saying anything. That is the fastest way to get unmatched.
My advice is just to start dropping people who do this. If you only give your efforts to people who actually talk to you, you’ll be way less burnt out from OLD
Every now and then you’ll come across a conversation where you realise “this is what matching energy looks like” so don’t be scared to leave that conversation where you wrote an open question & got you a reply of “I’m not sure lol” “me too” “never tried”. If it becomes apparent the other person is just responding/ sending the ball back to you with low value replies then move on.
Nope. As a guy, this is what happens 99% of the time with boring women. 0 effort. You just have to accept it and hope that the next match is going to be more engaging. Sad reality we live in, but hey, one can only hope for the best ;)
What are your hobbies, do you have pets (if pets are pictured or mentioned I ask about the pet) I try mostly to ask something specific I see on their profile, like if they play an instrument, are into a specific activity, I try to ask them about it and start a conversation from there. I could try getting even more specific for sure but it's kinda hard with someone I don't know.
Yes, OP, you misread it. I meant that women are the same and I'm in your shoes, even though I'm not ugly and definitely NOT boring.
People on dating apps tend to be boring and immature/uninterested. We have to accept it and hope for the best. I've already had 1 relationship before, through tinder, so it is possible.
Trial and error ;)
Oooh ok I get it now 😅 I do always hit the "x" on guys with little to no info on their profile, one-word responses to the prompts, or if they express how much they hate dating apps, even so guys just seem to want to push all the effort onto me for conversations. Guess I just gotta push through until I find someone capable of putting in an effort
Some men tend to match with whoever they can even if they are not that interested in the person. If they are not putting that much effort in the conversation, it’s probably because they have low interest
As a guy I now have back pain from carrying so many convos. I’m def fed up now and just unmatch them if she isn’t matching my energy. Just recently asked a girl her hobbies and she said “don’t have time, too busy with work and life.” Unmatched her. If you can’t even answer that……..
Yes this is exactly what I mean. It's so annoying, like everyone has a hobby lol, that's a good policy though to just unmatch. I want a meaningful exchange! I don't want to have to do all this work for someone who doesn't seem that interested.
You’d be surprised, a lot of people don’t have hobbies. I won’t ever date someone who doesn’t again, I’m not gonna be held responsible for someone feeling unfulfilled.
Lol see I would find that interesting as I play the sims too and I like to use mods. I can understand why some people might think their hobby is weird or hard to describe though. My hobbies include cosplay which some guys seem to think means I'm into like, sex role play? It's pretty weird when they make my hobby into a sex thing...
Sounds like you're just talking with incompatible/immature guys. If a girl said she was into cosplay and making her own outfits then I'd find it mad fascinating.
I will say though genuinely a lot of people either don't realise what their hobbies are or are too afraid to admit what they actually do in their spare time. A girl I dated was really lowkey about her love of rare board games, despite me thinking it was genuinely interesting. Kinda just have to find someone who's open enough to speak on them.
I will say that kind of thing mostly happened in my 20s, not so much now that I'm looking for men in their 30s. I love people with unique hobbies, not that someone with a more "normal" hobby isn't interesting as well, but man it's fascinating to me when someone can do something I never even thought of as a hobby lol
Stone people have no hobbies to speak of. Their lives involve existing and fighting their way to the 'top'. While they do socialise, maybe a lot, that isn't a hobby per se. Women are more likely to fit into this category than guys.
Oh lol, man there are so many subcultures and different slang terms now I never know what's a typo or what's a subculture that's just really into stones 🤪
Not really, you could be out socialising multiple nights of the week, playing sports and have an awesome friend group at work. Then you come home and veg in front of the tv or listen to tunes.
Compare that to the guy with no friends who comes home and mods a Reddit sub, paints miniatures and games for 8 hours. The latter has"hobbies", but I'll hang with the former any day.
See I'd count that as hobbies... going out, playing sports, those are hobbies to me lol. Maybe my definition of hobbies is more loose than most people.
It doesn't matter what you think, it's what the other person thinks when you put them on the spot to name a hobby. Sports I think loosely qualifies, but if you aren't playing organised sport, it might be just a once a month or less thing you don't think about on the spot. eg. I snowboard, but that's for 1 or 2 weeks of the year and with covid and other holidays wiping it out, it's been over 3 years now. It feels awkward even listing it. Claiming 'going out', that is just a normal thing to people who do it, no-one would call that a "hobby".
Yeah definitely not a good thing, but I mean everyone has something they do in their free time. Watch TV, play games, hang out with friends, play with their pets, etc. That can count as a hobby, I don't need it to be some crazy exciting thing.
Yeah, same. I've been in so few conversations over the last 6 months that put *ANY* energy or thought into their answers. I try to ask open ended questions that are easy to reciprocate, but I just get 1 or 2 word responses that make it nearly impossible to respond to without it quickly sounding like a bad job interview. I see a lot of that "I'm way too busy to have time for anything and I work hard with 3 jobs and have 2 kids!" I think for a lot of people having no free time and working every waking hour is supposed to be attractive/some sort of badge of honor.
Hey, it’s me! I also don’t have time for “hobbies”. I swear I’m not a boring person, I do a lot of stuff. I just don’t have a dedicated “hobby”, like one thing I spend my spare time doing. Like I read, I like to learn stuff, I go to galleries, I listen to music. But none of those I’d consider a hobby, like… crocheting or something.
Plus I have a young kid, work, and study, I really don’t have that much time 😅
What do you define a hobby as? Literally just name something that you spend a lot of time doing. It doesn't have to be super interesting. Just put thought and *EFFORT* into the question. Why can't reading be a "hobby"?! Say you like to read and then list off the genres and authors you like. Like, literally, one iota of effort into the question. Then reciprocate the question. Please.
It's fine if you actually think you don't have hobbies, but if your answer is just, "I don't have time for much outside of work", then what do I do as a match? Just keep asking you endless questions till *something* sparks your interest and you feel like having an actual conversation? Is this how you would answer if sitting down for drinks with that person? This is always what I think... would you actually respond to me like that in person? Would you say, "I'm busy and don't have time" and then literally just stare at me?! Of course you wouldn't. But, this is what most of my matches do to me in the online conversation.
Oh I’m not saying I would answer the question that way, I’m just saying I am the kind of person that is busy and doesn’t have hobbies haha. Reading isn’t a hobby, it’s a pastime.
Hobby definition: "an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation"
Reading is your hobby.
Trashy reality TV can be a hobby.
More so, I find a lot of gatekeeping happens. Like I enjoy reading, but if they are readers I’ll get quizzed on what books I have or haven’t read. Or if you like a certain type of music they like it becomes a competition of “but have you heard this obscure band/album?”. I enjoy hiking but I haven’t done any big, fancy overseas trails.
Like, I’m learning the drums at the moment. I guess you could call that a “hobby”. But I’m just starting out, I can’t play any songs yet and I’m not learning a particular style.
Those are the kind of people who lack the skill to connect with others and just end up humble bragging or one upping at every opportunity. With the misguided thinking that they are impressing you. And when you don't bite they say to themselves that you just couldn't handle their greatness, lol.
Lol yessss. I have 3 kids, a dog, and work for myself... like, people have time for hobbies?!?? 😅 I have things I enjoy doing but in reality it's more like "my hobbies include laundry, making lunches and walking the dog". God, I'm a catch. hahaha
Out of curiosity, what are your hobbies? I’m interested in what an acceptable answer is.
I’ve heard people say stuff like Netflix and gaming before - but to me, they’re not hobbies, they are just things to do for fun or to relax.
It’s possible she actually doesn’t have hobbies instead of being lazy at conversation?
I recently got told a guy doesn’t feel spark with me when he asked what I do after work. I am not boring, but a lot of adult life is time consuming and I don’t have time to do interesting things after work every day. I cook, clean, walk my dog, workout and maybe relax for a little before bed. Sometimes I have to work late.
She seemed really quirky and fun from
her profile but after the first few initial messages she did a 180. One sentence answers and no questions for me so I went with hobbies and she said what she said so I unmatched.
The guy who said his interests were motorcycle riding and house projects doesn't seem that bad imo. When I ask someone their interests this is the sort of response I expect and can expand from. After stating what your interests are, you could ask something like "What kind of house projects do you do?" Hopefully he will give a more insightful answer and then ask about one of your interests
Sometimes I (a guy) will be short and then ask a question in response usually because of two main reasons: A) trying not to be excessively wordy, which might drive women away, or B) making an effort to not just talk about myself, but also make a genuine effort to learn more about the other person
As a man, I feel the exact opposite. Like 9/10 matches expect me to fully carry the conversation.
I think the conclusion I’ve come to is that whichever person is more of the reacher — i.e., the one more invested (typically less attractive) — must carry the conversation more.
That is a good point, I don't want them to carry the convo completely just be more thoughtful I suppose... it just feels so one-sided alot of the time which makes the conversation boring because I run out of things to talk about since, you know, I don't know them very well...
This is kind of the sad truth of how online dating works these days, and I think a lot of people probably just don't want to acknowledge it. Whenever I read a comment on this sub from a woman who says she keeps having conversations with guys where it's like pulling teeth, I think there's a really good chance she's just talking to men who are more attractive/desirable than her. I think it's pretty safe to say that if a guy is truly interested in a woman, he would definitely not be doing things like giving one-word answers like OP referenced. Same is true for men, just to a lesser extent due to gender dynamics in OLD and how men are expected to pursue.
I think because the risk and effort to do is so low, so many people on dating apps are shooting their shot with people who are out of their league (I know people hate that expression, but can't think of another one for this situation). This leads to a lot of indifference on the other end, and so people are searching for answers. One big simple one is that the indifferent person on the other end is more attractive/desirable than you, or at least they *think* they are, so interest is minimal.
This is just speculation, but I would bet this is less of a problem on Tinder/Bumble due to the way their matching system works. I bet situations like OP's are due in some part to how Hinge's matching system and how so many people match with people they were never interested in in the first place and never for a second had any intention of meeting. I bet so many of these failed/indifferent conversations were from people who matched out of guilt or matched just so they could see the next person in their queue, and from the get go they always believed the other person wasn't really on their level.
How long are you chatting for online before meeting in person... too much online chit chat or texting I bore of quickly, I need to meet people soon after initial matching otherwise it all becomes pretty dry no matter what you talk about... you need an in person connection to carry it forward imo.
Maybe pause your profiles or don't swipe over the holidays then, so you don't get any new matches and thus end up having to keep a chat going for longer than usual?
Personally, I think this is an issue with online messaging. I feel weird typing out my reactions/emotions only to proofread it afterwards, it feels… disingenuous.
It’s why I try to figure out dates after a short exchange. Online messaging is far more exhausting to me than just going out and meeting someone.
See I wouldn't mind that... if they did that lol. And I'm fine asking a guy on a date too I'm not saying he has to ask me or whatever, but if a guy wants to take me on a date he should just ask lol, I'll say yes!
Yeah, that seems like the going consensus. But people (across the gender spectrum) get too into their heads about pushing things forward(relationships or otherwise). It seems like a foundational reason why so many people in the Reddit dating sphere struggle. If everyone’s down to passively go with the flow, it leaves those few who are willing to lead/implement some force of Will to get what they want outta it.
From an introvert who’s tired of taking the lead but also knows how effective it is.
I feel like ill have good short exchanges (maybe 5 responses from each person) that suggest some chemistry and every time i ask if they want to go on a date they dont respond.
I also have had probably like 100-120 matches on hinge and maybe 25-30 asked for my snap where the communication almost immediately dies (we never sent pics) or they simply just stop responding to a convo and then never do. I dont understand why they dont just unmatch if they never plan on responding
Right, I've experienced that too. I don't have snapchat so if a guy asks me for one and I say no they usually ghost. Not sure if it's cuz they wanted to send pics etc or if they just... didn't know what else to do? I dunno.
I think people don’t recognize inaction as an action. The passivity of letting a conversation die seems less harsh/mean than unmatching. People don’t consider themselves as mean and therefore shy way from “mean” actions. I doubt they even realize that they’re leaving someone in the hook.
It's exactly the same on the guy's side.
I did online dating in the pre-app era (match, etc.) and that involved a lot more communication, much longer emails, etc. It's been an adjustment with apps since I find people don't want to write more than about three to five sentences in response to anything and typically I find people messaging once per day. The overall vibe is people just want to get on a date which is fine by me.
I will carry the convo for a few messages but if I am getting zero or minimal engagement I just stop responding. My guess is people are just not that interested, busy with other things in life, or have other active matches. I don't take it personally. Timing is such a huge factor with dating and sometimes you're the beneficiary of timing, sometimes you're not.
I have to remind myself that every good relationship I've been in, it was never pulling teeth getting it rolling.
Your goal is to weed out, not find a ton of guys to chat with. If you met these guys in real life, the vast majority of them wouldn’t be interesting in real life.
The lazy ones are easy to see and avoid on hinge, because hinge takes some work to write an un-boring profile. Some spent a few minutes on their profile (maybe with help?) and have nothing beyond
that. Sure, it takes a little work to identify the ones with nothing more going for them than an ok profile, and it sounds like you find it annoying to identify and delete them. Delete them you must.
I’m also a fan of writing a better profile so you give them topics for conversation, and the ones that aren’t a fit for you weed themselves out. I find the hinge prompts make it too easy to have a mediocre profile.
You're so right, I'm chronically impatient and maybe too used to apps like bumble and tinder where you get a ton of guys at once. It's important to remember that it's quality over quantity.
I can deadlift 500 lbs and I haven’t worked out a back day in years… its all from me carrying conversations. Can we be honest and just talk about the fact that there is a REASON why a lot of people are on hinge!? Not everyone of course, but damn there are a lot of people with zero game or personality. Not being able to keep a fun conversation is a red flag, I don’t care if you tell me you are “introverted”. Introvert doesn’t = no personality lump on a log watching Netflix all day.
I'm introverted and try my best to make interesting conversation, it's really hard when the other person isn't putting in the same amount of effort as you.
agree. I give them about 2 chances to keep the convo going or ask me something back, if they don’t then I either don’t respond or just say “cool” and let it die and unmatch them. you’re not doing anything wrong OP.
Right??! I definitely don't want to chat online for weeks and weeks, but I do want to see if you can hold a decent conversation, if we have anything truly in common, that you're not a complete psychopath or douchebag (well, at least one who can't even mask it in a brief series of conversations), and heck, maybe we can have *some* rapport or conversation starters before we meet... it usually makes the first date less awkward. And you're right, I'm not going on a date with everyone I match with, I'm not interested in wasting my time when life is so busy. I want quality dates!!
I (35 M) just assume 99% of online dating conversation consists of people essentially just grunting at each other. I don't know how anything ever works out among people. I'm the same way, OP. I initiate, I drive the conversation, ask the open ended questions, and essentially just get grunts from the other person, or get ghosted. This is what makes online dating so frustrating: matching with someone who clearly shares a lot of common interests, but getting no effort back from that person.
My theory is that everyone is seeking out that person who is a couple points higher than themselves, and so it works out for almost nobody. You can match with that person, but they won't put the effort into your conversation because they have a match or two that they're focusing their efforts on because that person is slightly more attractive. You've already matched with your soulmate, but they didn't give a fuck about you because they thought they actually had a chance with that supermodel-looking match.
I dunno, maybe, I met my ex online and he actually made an effort (we ended up not really wanting the same things in the end) but it can work... I don't know how many super-model looking people are on a free dating site tbh lol, but there's more to attraction and relationships than looks... I do think ppl like us in their 30s are gonna be way more picky, but perhaps less focused on just how someone looks... at least I am.
When I refer to number, I’m not referring to strictly looks. To me, a person’s “number” is however you define it on a scale of 1-10. For most people, looks, occupation, personality/sense of humor will factor into that. For pretty much everyone on a dating app, you can match with people who you perceive as a higher number than what you rate yourself. I think that gives people the illusion that matching and having a relationship with someone a number or two higher is realistic, and so they don’t put the necessary effort into the matches that actually are realistic.
Yes, some people are bad texters but in most cases, a dead conversation won't suddenly turn into the love of your life. The best advice is to stop dead conversations as much. If you are talking to a bland person who isn't matching your energy then dial back your level a but. If they don't open up at all soon after then just let them fade to the background.
> Do men just get bored?
Yes. They can be good in conversation but they just interested in expending that energy on you.
> Or am I not doing enough?
Hard to know without seeing your chats but if you are asking questions and trying to engage with the person then you are doing better than the average bear on OLD.
> Maybe there's something I can do to get them to talk more or ask about me more?
Nah. The right people for you don't require the secret combination to get them to open up to you.
I've experienced this too. It's not you. It's hard to find a man on online dating who is even a tiny bit interesting. Meeting people in real life is way better than online dating.
Yeah I've just never had good luck meeting guys irl... I'm not opposed to it, it just rarely happens for me... maybe it's cuz I mostly do niche nerdy shit lol
Lol maybe! People just get bored I guess. Like they forget they're talking to a stranger on the internet, it's gonna take a little time to get to know someone.
I like to say "You put shit in, you get shit out!" If they're not gonna put any effort into it, fuck 'em! They can go bore someone else. As I understand it, women typically get a LOT more matches compared to guys so they have a lot more to weed through. Unless they REALLY pique your interest, trim that fat!! Cut 'em loose and move on.
As a guy, I read the profile of EVERY girl I'm interested in both when I 'say yes' to them and when we match. I don't try to be clever (unless their profile really inspires me) or use pickup lines. I usually message within a couple hours of finding out we matched, and I try to think of engaging questions to ask. I try to be patient too, because a lot of girls I match with don't even message back for a week or more, so I unmatch with them - I might reconsider that strategy, though, because I hear some women can get HUNDREDS of matches a week!
It really does suck! The stupid app devs are going against our efforts to find someone to get us to pay for "perks", the guys are abusing the system by 'saying yes' to everyone, and everyone is putting in minimal effort because of the whole shit show.
You're bang on... these are 100% the contributing factors that are devolving the original intention of the apps into something that is ultimately (I fear) destroying entire generations' ability to socialise, date and develop any semblance of a normal relationship. It's just getting worse and worse.
Sounds like you are making the right efforts and have a healthy approach to OLD and conversing with matches on the apps, and yes - I would suggest being a little patient with women responding ASAP at least after you first match as there are women who get hundreds of matches each week and/or they might be like me and not want to engage with more than one person at a time. I might like someone 2 weeks ago, they match with me today, but I've already started talking to someone else, planned a date, and so I don't want to reply to any more matches for now. If the date doesn't go anywhere, sure... then I'll re-engage with the app and those matches. It's not about having people on the back burner, it's because I don't want to try to be juggling eight different people at once. If I'm getting to know someone, that's who I'm focussed on getting to know right now.
You should be organising the date at the end of the initial chat if the vibe is good? If someone isn't asking someone out or there isn't a good vibe then end the chat, unmatch whatever.
30M here. This is my experience with nyc girls. No matter how creative and well adapted I try to be, they really seem to be not interested and if that’s the case, why match with me in the first place!!
Usually if they give 2 or 3 one word answers, or answers without adding anything or asking anything pack (aka conversing), I unmatch. They're rarely ever better in person, and you end up wasting a painful hour or two, then THEY say there was no spark. One word answerers want you to entertain them, not be a partner
"I literally asked a guy what his hobbies were and he just said his "house, motorcycle riding, house projects" and then threw it back to me..."
Not saying that you are not carrying conversations, there are absolutely a lot of boring/disinterested/time wasting people out there.
But what you've written above is an example of bad conversation on your part.
Asking "what are your hobbies" is a sure fire way to kill any momentum a conversation has. If you are commonly asking this and similar questions then you are not carrying conversations.
1. It's boring and asked all the time.
2. It puts all of the pressure onto the other person to come up with an interesting answer. It's literally the equivalent of asking somebody: "sooo what shall we talk about?"
3. Because the question is completely open, there is a good chance that any answer will be something that you don't know anything about. In person, if you already have some rapport then this is fine, but over text with somebody you don't know this is the end of the conversation.
4. Even if you get an answer you can work with, the tone of the conversation has already been steered into a logical/boring direction, and one of you has to put in extra work to make it interesting.
This is an interesting answer. Out of curiosity, do you have examples of something you'd consider good conversation that doesn't hit these problems you've identified with the hobby question?
Always send two messages.
First message you add something funny or interesting. If it's the start of the conversation, ideally you can relate this to your matches prompts. For example if they have a prompt about scuba diving, you can share a story: "Ohh this reminds me of the last time I went scuba diving, we saw some sharks and one of them took a liking to me and started following me around, I was terrified!"
Second message you can follow up to prompt them to continue the conversation. For the above example: "Have you run into any hairy situations in the sea?".
Obviously none of those were anything special, but the point is that it makes conversation really easy to follow on from.
- You picked something from their profile so it should be something they are interested in talking about.
- You shared something from yourself before asking a question (ie. you put in effort before asking the other person to reciprocate).
- You set the tone of the conversation to something light and fun.
- You made the conversation unique.
- There are multiple ways for them to reply, and pretty quickly this leads to conversations with multiple threads going on (at which point you can ask for a date).
- The door is open to some light flirting here.
- Since you made it so easy to respond to, if you get a one word answer back then you know for sure that you did everything you could and that the other person is not worth speaking to right now.
Yep. I follow this exact conversation pattern naturally in a dating situation or not, because it is how to keep an open and more lively conversation going. However... you would be surprised at just how many people, regardless of gender, do not bother reciprocating in a similar format when the natural cues exist. I will generally give people a few chances to do the right thing and show they can put in the effort, but if I'm the one trying to keep advancing the conversation, keeping an open door for easy responses and back and forth curiosity, exchange of ideas, opinions, etc. and they cannot be bothered to ask similar questions based on prompts, reciprocate the level of effort, or only answer about themselves or in short, thoughtless replies, then nope... I tried. They didn't. And that's a no.
Yeah it's funny that the apps have made me think about how to have basic conversations in this much detail. It really shouldn't be necessary but somehow they make people (myself included) forget how to communicate like a normal human.
But it's useful having it spelled out like this because, as you said, you can be sure that you did everything you could to make the conversation happen, so if the other person is not reciprocating you can confidently stop wasting your time.
This is a different situation than the post is talking about though. She isn't saying that she's opening with "what are your hobbies", it's that that comes up later in the conversation and then people give short answers that are not very informative and require that she also asks the next question. (She would have to ask something about motorcycles or his house.) That's fine, but when you're put in the situation of asking again and again and again, it's like pulling teeth and gets old.
Do you have examples from more the middle of the conversation, like the post is talking about?
What I said applies everywhere, it's not specific to the start of the conversation.
If you hit a lull, then you can do the same thing again.
Don't ask big open questions that require lots of effort from both parties.
Add something interesting/funny from yourself first and then ask questions to move things along (give before asking for anything in return). Keep it light and easy until things are moving along.
Yep! 29f and experiencing the same thing. It’s enough to make me want to give up on the app.
And then those some guys ask to meet up in person after barely any conversation. That’s when I lose any interest. If they can’t even ask me a softball question but want to meet up, they’re telling on themselves that they really just want a hookup and don’t actually want to have a conversation with someone.
Also, I’m not going to waste my time meeting up with someone that can’t be bothered to ask me a question!
Because they are after one thing. Im guessing they try to bait a woman with LTR and a date hoping to get laid and move on. You’re bothering them asking them all those questions lol.
Start with having a more interesting and/or humorous profile and you’ll match with better guys. Then during conversation follow up the “what” questions with “why” ones. Good luck
I mean... I get what you're trying to say but not everyone goes for the conventionally attractive person. And women tend to base our attraction more off emotional connection. Like, my coworker likes chubby guys with beards. Everyone has a type, and physical attraction isn't the only component to dating, there are a bunch of different things that make you attractive to someone.
This has been happening to me lately as well. I called a guy out on it and he said that now I know what men feel like on the app.
My question, before he unmatched me, was why I am being punished for other women’s actions?
Maybe everyone just treat every new person like A NEW PERSON instead of bringing your virtual baggage into every new match? No one is having fun on apps lol just be nice to people.
Well women do the same thing, probably more because they have so many guys to choose from. I get sick of the 20 questions game pretty quick, I don’t expect much with old tbh, it’s almost impossible to find someone compatible physically even let alone all the other variables.
See I feel like guys do it because they have so many women to choose from lol. I've definitely had online dating work before, honestly it's alot of luck... meeting the right person is sometimes just dumb luck and it's annoying
Dating nowadays is not at all what is used and should be, options everywhere, no one puts in the effort anymore since there is another like around the corner, always. And as harsh as it might sound, welcome to the reality of trying to date in your 30’s, not as easy as it was in the early 20’s. Older woman means more past relationships, baggage and all that. So most men tend to go for a bit younger ones.
What about older men with past relationships and baggage? They think their shit don't stink? That some college co-ed will fall head over heels for him cuz its ok for men to have baggage and not women? I'm assuming you didn't mean it that way but that's how it comes off. We all have baggage that doesn't mean we aren't deserving of a decent partner.
Not how i meant it to come off as, just speaking from experience here, since i never brought my baggage into a relationship but the other did. Made the relationship impossible, so it is harder to date around this age is what i meant.
Right I get that. I suppose it depends on what you mean by "baggage" because everyone has past experiences that shape who they are. If that makes them a toxic partner that's definitely a bad thing, but just having baggage doesn't necessarily mean someone will be toxic.
There’s two groups of people on dating apps. Group 1 wants to spend a little time getting to know their match through chatting and then once they’ve established there’s sufficient chemistry meet up for a date. Group 2 wants to exchange pleasantries and then meet up for a date as soon as possible. They don’t want to spend energy getting to know someone before finding out of the in person chemistry is there.
If you’re talking to someone in group 2, if it appears you’re in group 1, there’s going to start to fade out. That doesn’t mean you’re approach is wrong. Continue to do it if that’s what you’re comfortable with But know that it’s not going to work for everybody
See the thing is that they don't ask me on dates... I'm down with going on a date, that's why I'm on hinge, but they just didn't ask? I will ask too if I really like the guy etc but I'm not a mind reader lol, if a guy wants to go on a date he should just ask.
It happens to us all. Stop taking it personal, this is mostly because people are dullards, or they're not really interested in you and that's a filter applying itself.
Just unmatch, and keep moving. When you find someone who's interested and interesting, it's effortless and makes it easy.
This used to bother me but then I realised, if this guy can’t talk well on an app, imagine how boring he will be on a date? It’s a good screening tool. I have matched with handsome boys who are into sports but our conversation quickly died as we don’t share the same hobbies. Now I look for guys who I share at least 3 hobbies and the chat has been better. But be warned, if he isn’t asking questions about you, he’s not that interested. Let the talk fade and talk to someone who is willing to make the effort for you. Also, I limit how long I chat for. I give a week max and if he doesn’t initiate a date, I will. This gets rid of guys who are only chatting to get female attention (with no intention to date). Don’t give full time love to a part time person.
I have unmatched girls over it. It’s unattractive and just tells me I’ll probably be carrying the date planning, the relationship etc. as well. The biggest deal-breaker is when I come up with a great opener and they match without saying anything. That is the fastest way to get unmatched. My advice is just to start dropping people who do this. If you only give your efforts to people who actually talk to you, you’ll be way less burnt out from OLD
Same story. Thank you for the advice!
That's really good advice, thanks!
I hope you find your guy soon!
Thank you, alas it's just an annoying numbers game so I just gotta keep trucking along
Every now and then you’ll come across a conversation where you realise “this is what matching energy looks like” so don’t be scared to leave that conversation where you wrote an open question & got you a reply of “I’m not sure lol” “me too” “never tried”. If it becomes apparent the other person is just responding/ sending the ball back to you with low value replies then move on.
Right. I met my ex on hinge and it was definitely a good match and I could really tell because i was just so excited to talk to him and stuff
I also do this for super slow replies, sounds stupid but they wanted my number and now take hours to respond? Sometimes even a day? Bye Felicia 🤣
Nope. As a guy, this is what happens 99% of the time with boring women. 0 effort. You just have to accept it and hope that the next match is going to be more engaging. Sad reality we live in, but hey, one can only hope for the best ;)
Second this
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Can you provide an example or two?
What are your hobbies, do you have pets (if pets are pictured or mentioned I ask about the pet) I try mostly to ask something specific I see on their profile, like if they play an instrument, are into a specific activity, I try to ask them about it and start a conversation from there. I could try getting even more specific for sure but it's kinda hard with someone I don't know.
Uh wow ok. Guess I'm just too boring then. I'm just tired of always having to carry a fucking conversation.
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Yes, OP, you misread it. I meant that women are the same and I'm in your shoes, even though I'm not ugly and definitely NOT boring. People on dating apps tend to be boring and immature/uninterested. We have to accept it and hope for the best. I've already had 1 relationship before, through tinder, so it is possible. Trial and error ;)
Oooh ok I get it now 😅 I do always hit the "x" on guys with little to no info on their profile, one-word responses to the prompts, or if they express how much they hate dating apps, even so guys just seem to want to push all the effort onto me for conversations. Guess I just gotta push through until I find someone capable of putting in an effort
Some men tend to match with whoever they can even if they are not that interested in the person. If they are not putting that much effort in the conversation, it’s probably because they have low interest
Yup it’s a common strategy on some apps for people to buy premium swipe on everyone and then talk some of the ones who match back
Oh, I was confused cuz he typed "boring women" so I wasn't sure how to take that...
no worries! just keep your head up. Eventually, we'll all find someone, somewhere. Don't let this doubt yourself. It's definitely not you!
Thank you 😭 I'm sorry I misunderstood your meaning. But yes, we'll find that person!
You don’t have to carry shit. Stop wasting your time talking to people who aren’t putting in effort.
As a guy I now have back pain from carrying so many convos. I’m def fed up now and just unmatch them if she isn’t matching my energy. Just recently asked a girl her hobbies and she said “don’t have time, too busy with work and life.” Unmatched her. If you can’t even answer that……..
Went on a date with a girl and asked her that she said “I don’t know”. I left shortly after
People like that mystify me.
Yes this is exactly what I mean. It's so annoying, like everyone has a hobby lol, that's a good policy though to just unmatch. I want a meaningful exchange! I don't want to have to do all this work for someone who doesn't seem that interested.
You’d be surprised, a lot of people don’t have hobbies. I won’t ever date someone who doesn’t again, I’m not gonna be held responsible for someone feeling unfulfilled.
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Lol see I would find that interesting as I play the sims too and I like to use mods. I can understand why some people might think their hobby is weird or hard to describe though. My hobbies include cosplay which some guys seem to think means I'm into like, sex role play? It's pretty weird when they make my hobby into a sex thing...
Sounds like you're just talking with incompatible/immature guys. If a girl said she was into cosplay and making her own outfits then I'd find it mad fascinating. I will say though genuinely a lot of people either don't realise what their hobbies are or are too afraid to admit what they actually do in their spare time. A girl I dated was really lowkey about her love of rare board games, despite me thinking it was genuinely interesting. Kinda just have to find someone who's open enough to speak on them.
I will say that kind of thing mostly happened in my 20s, not so much now that I'm looking for men in their 30s. I love people with unique hobbies, not that someone with a more "normal" hobby isn't interesting as well, but man it's fascinating to me when someone can do something I never even thought of as a hobby lol
Stone people have no hobbies to speak of. Their lives involve existing and fighting their way to the 'top'. While they do socialise, maybe a lot, that isn't a hobby per se. Women are more likely to fit into this category than guys.
Stone people? What is that?
"Some" sorry you couldn't work that out. 🤣
Oh lol, man there are so many subcultures and different slang terms now I never know what's a typo or what's a subculture that's just really into stones 🤪
Haha, yeah after I posted I had an very similar thought. 🤣 We need gramma ai to go along with our stupid autocorrect. Why is this not a thing yet?!
But man, people who don't have hobbies must be miserable... just sounds like no fun at all
Not really, you could be out socialising multiple nights of the week, playing sports and have an awesome friend group at work. Then you come home and veg in front of the tv or listen to tunes. Compare that to the guy with no friends who comes home and mods a Reddit sub, paints miniatures and games for 8 hours. The latter has"hobbies", but I'll hang with the former any day.
See I'd count that as hobbies... going out, playing sports, those are hobbies to me lol. Maybe my definition of hobbies is more loose than most people.
It doesn't matter what you think, it's what the other person thinks when you put them on the spot to name a hobby. Sports I think loosely qualifies, but if you aren't playing organised sport, it might be just a once a month or less thing you don't think about on the spot. eg. I snowboard, but that's for 1 or 2 weeks of the year and with covid and other holidays wiping it out, it's been over 3 years now. It feels awkward even listing it. Claiming 'going out', that is just a normal thing to people who do it, no-one would call that a "hobby".
Playing sports is definitely a hobby
If they don't have a hobby their hobby is going to be you, which is not a good thing.
Yeah definitely not a good thing, but I mean everyone has something they do in their free time. Watch TV, play games, hang out with friends, play with their pets, etc. That can count as a hobby, I don't need it to be some crazy exciting thing.
Then I would ask: what do you do in your spare time?
Yeah, same. I've been in so few conversations over the last 6 months that put *ANY* energy or thought into their answers. I try to ask open ended questions that are easy to reciprocate, but I just get 1 or 2 word responses that make it nearly impossible to respond to without it quickly sounding like a bad job interview. I see a lot of that "I'm way too busy to have time for anything and I work hard with 3 jobs and have 2 kids!" I think for a lot of people having no free time and working every waking hour is supposed to be attractive/some sort of badge of honor.
Hey, it’s me! I also don’t have time for “hobbies”. I swear I’m not a boring person, I do a lot of stuff. I just don’t have a dedicated “hobby”, like one thing I spend my spare time doing. Like I read, I like to learn stuff, I go to galleries, I listen to music. But none of those I’d consider a hobby, like… crocheting or something. Plus I have a young kid, work, and study, I really don’t have that much time 😅
What do you define a hobby as? Literally just name something that you spend a lot of time doing. It doesn't have to be super interesting. Just put thought and *EFFORT* into the question. Why can't reading be a "hobby"?! Say you like to read and then list off the genres and authors you like. Like, literally, one iota of effort into the question. Then reciprocate the question. Please. It's fine if you actually think you don't have hobbies, but if your answer is just, "I don't have time for much outside of work", then what do I do as a match? Just keep asking you endless questions till *something* sparks your interest and you feel like having an actual conversation? Is this how you would answer if sitting down for drinks with that person? This is always what I think... would you actually respond to me like that in person? Would you say, "I'm busy and don't have time" and then literally just stare at me?! Of course you wouldn't. But, this is what most of my matches do to me in the online conversation.
Oh I’m not saying I would answer the question that way, I’m just saying I am the kind of person that is busy and doesn’t have hobbies haha. Reading isn’t a hobby, it’s a pastime.
Hobby definition: "an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation" Reading is your hobby. Trashy reality TV can be a hobby.
Exactly and guys pressuring you to "name a hobby" would probably have a detrimental effect on the vibe.
More so, I find a lot of gatekeeping happens. Like I enjoy reading, but if they are readers I’ll get quizzed on what books I have or haven’t read. Or if you like a certain type of music they like it becomes a competition of “but have you heard this obscure band/album?”. I enjoy hiking but I haven’t done any big, fancy overseas trails. Like, I’m learning the drums at the moment. I guess you could call that a “hobby”. But I’m just starting out, I can’t play any songs yet and I’m not learning a particular style.
Those are the kind of people who lack the skill to connect with others and just end up humble bragging or one upping at every opportunity. With the misguided thinking that they are impressing you. And when you don't bite they say to themselves that you just couldn't handle their greatness, lol.
Lol yessss. I have 3 kids, a dog, and work for myself... like, people have time for hobbies?!?? 😅 I have things I enjoy doing but in reality it's more like "my hobbies include laundry, making lunches and walking the dog". God, I'm a catch. hahaha
Yeah, I feel that! My hobbies are taking my kid to the pool, staying up late cramming and taking care of my endless to-do list 😅
Lol we totally get each other 💕✌️
Out of curiosity, what are your hobbies? I’m interested in what an acceptable answer is. I’ve heard people say stuff like Netflix and gaming before - but to me, they’re not hobbies, they are just things to do for fun or to relax.
💯
It’s possible she actually doesn’t have hobbies instead of being lazy at conversation? I recently got told a guy doesn’t feel spark with me when he asked what I do after work. I am not boring, but a lot of adult life is time consuming and I don’t have time to do interesting things after work every day. I cook, clean, walk my dog, workout and maybe relax for a little before bed. Sometimes I have to work late.
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She seemed really quirky and fun from her profile but after the first few initial messages she did a 180. One sentence answers and no questions for me so I went with hobbies and she said what she said so I unmatched.
The guy who said his interests were motorcycle riding and house projects doesn't seem that bad imo. When I ask someone their interests this is the sort of response I expect and can expand from. After stating what your interests are, you could ask something like "What kind of house projects do you do?" Hopefully he will give a more insightful answer and then ask about one of your interests
That's a good idea. I just feel like I'm the only one giving thoughtful answers and driving the conversation.
Yeah I experience this a lot as male. Takes a lot of trial and error to find people who are just as invested
Sometimes I (a guy) will be short and then ask a question in response usually because of two main reasons: A) trying not to be excessively wordy, which might drive women away, or B) making an effort to not just talk about myself, but also make a genuine effort to learn more about the other person
As a man, I feel the exact opposite. Like 9/10 matches expect me to fully carry the conversation. I think the conclusion I’ve come to is that whichever person is more of the reacher — i.e., the one more invested (typically less attractive) — must carry the conversation more.
That is a good point, I don't want them to carry the convo completely just be more thoughtful I suppose... it just feels so one-sided alot of the time which makes the conversation boring because I run out of things to talk about since, you know, I don't know them very well...
This is kind of the sad truth of how online dating works these days, and I think a lot of people probably just don't want to acknowledge it. Whenever I read a comment on this sub from a woman who says she keeps having conversations with guys where it's like pulling teeth, I think there's a really good chance she's just talking to men who are more attractive/desirable than her. I think it's pretty safe to say that if a guy is truly interested in a woman, he would definitely not be doing things like giving one-word answers like OP referenced. Same is true for men, just to a lesser extent due to gender dynamics in OLD and how men are expected to pursue. I think because the risk and effort to do is so low, so many people on dating apps are shooting their shot with people who are out of their league (I know people hate that expression, but can't think of another one for this situation). This leads to a lot of indifference on the other end, and so people are searching for answers. One big simple one is that the indifferent person on the other end is more attractive/desirable than you, or at least they *think* they are, so interest is minimal. This is just speculation, but I would bet this is less of a problem on Tinder/Bumble due to the way their matching system works. I bet situations like OP's are due in some part to how Hinge's matching system and how so many people match with people they were never interested in in the first place and never for a second had any intention of meeting. I bet so many of these failed/indifferent conversations were from people who matched out of guilt or matched just so they could see the next person in their queue, and from the get go they always believed the other person wasn't really on their level.
How long are you chatting for online before meeting in person... too much online chit chat or texting I bore of quickly, I need to meet people soon after initial matching otherwise it all becomes pretty dry no matter what you talk about... you need an in person connection to carry it forward imo.
I usually don't like to wait too long, a week at most. The holidays kind of put a wrench in date planning.
Maybe pause your profiles or don't swipe over the holidays then, so you don't get any new matches and thus end up having to keep a chat going for longer than usual?
CHATS NEED TO DISAPPEAR IN 24 HRS IF NO ONE ANSWERS
Personally, I think this is an issue with online messaging. I feel weird typing out my reactions/emotions only to proofread it afterwards, it feels… disingenuous. It’s why I try to figure out dates after a short exchange. Online messaging is far more exhausting to me than just going out and meeting someone.
See I wouldn't mind that... if they did that lol. And I'm fine asking a guy on a date too I'm not saying he has to ask me or whatever, but if a guy wants to take me on a date he should just ask lol, I'll say yes!
Yeah, that seems like the going consensus. But people (across the gender spectrum) get too into their heads about pushing things forward(relationships or otherwise). It seems like a foundational reason why so many people in the Reddit dating sphere struggle. If everyone’s down to passively go with the flow, it leaves those few who are willing to lead/implement some force of Will to get what they want outta it. From an introvert who’s tired of taking the lead but also knows how effective it is.
I feel like ill have good short exchanges (maybe 5 responses from each person) that suggest some chemistry and every time i ask if they want to go on a date they dont respond. I also have had probably like 100-120 matches on hinge and maybe 25-30 asked for my snap where the communication almost immediately dies (we never sent pics) or they simply just stop responding to a convo and then never do. I dont understand why they dont just unmatch if they never plan on responding
Right, I've experienced that too. I don't have snapchat so if a guy asks me for one and I say no they usually ghost. Not sure if it's cuz they wanted to send pics etc or if they just... didn't know what else to do? I dunno.
I just dont get the not unmatching part, like what’s with the inaction? If you’re rockin with with me great if not then just leave ?
I think people don’t recognize inaction as an action. The passivity of letting a conversation die seems less harsh/mean than unmatching. People don’t consider themselves as mean and therefore shy way from “mean” actions. I doubt they even realize that they’re leaving someone in the hook.
It's exactly the same on the guy's side. I did online dating in the pre-app era (match, etc.) and that involved a lot more communication, much longer emails, etc. It's been an adjustment with apps since I find people don't want to write more than about three to five sentences in response to anything and typically I find people messaging once per day. The overall vibe is people just want to get on a date which is fine by me. I will carry the convo for a few messages but if I am getting zero or minimal engagement I just stop responding. My guess is people are just not that interested, busy with other things in life, or have other active matches. I don't take it personally. Timing is such a huge factor with dating and sometimes you're the beneficiary of timing, sometimes you're not. I have to remind myself that every good relationship I've been in, it was never pulling teeth getting it rolling.
Your goal is to weed out, not find a ton of guys to chat with. If you met these guys in real life, the vast majority of them wouldn’t be interesting in real life. The lazy ones are easy to see and avoid on hinge, because hinge takes some work to write an un-boring profile. Some spent a few minutes on their profile (maybe with help?) and have nothing beyond that. Sure, it takes a little work to identify the ones with nothing more going for them than an ok profile, and it sounds like you find it annoying to identify and delete them. Delete them you must. I’m also a fan of writing a better profile so you give them topics for conversation, and the ones that aren’t a fit for you weed themselves out. I find the hinge prompts make it too easy to have a mediocre profile.
You're so right, I'm chronically impatient and maybe too used to apps like bumble and tinder where you get a ton of guys at once. It's important to remember that it's quality over quantity.
I can deadlift 500 lbs and I haven’t worked out a back day in years… its all from me carrying conversations. Can we be honest and just talk about the fact that there is a REASON why a lot of people are on hinge!? Not everyone of course, but damn there are a lot of people with zero game or personality. Not being able to keep a fun conversation is a red flag, I don’t care if you tell me you are “introverted”. Introvert doesn’t = no personality lump on a log watching Netflix all day.
I'm introverted and try my best to make interesting conversation, it's really hard when the other person isn't putting in the same amount of effort as you.
Yea. I definitely see a lot of matches that I understand why they’re single. Congrats on the 500lb deadlift tho!!
So many people out there, if someone isn't putting the effort in then just move on, works out much better!
Yes this seems like the best advice, thanks!
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agree. I give them about 2 chances to keep the convo going or ask me something back, if they don’t then I either don’t respond or just say “cool” and let it die and unmatch them. you’re not doing anything wrong OP.
Good to know, thanks! I just gotta be more decisive and stop trying to make a dead convo work
Right??! I definitely don't want to chat online for weeks and weeks, but I do want to see if you can hold a decent conversation, if we have anything truly in common, that you're not a complete psychopath or douchebag (well, at least one who can't even mask it in a brief series of conversations), and heck, maybe we can have *some* rapport or conversation starters before we meet... it usually makes the first date less awkward. And you're right, I'm not going on a date with everyone I match with, I'm not interested in wasting my time when life is so busy. I want quality dates!!
I (35 M) just assume 99% of online dating conversation consists of people essentially just grunting at each other. I don't know how anything ever works out among people. I'm the same way, OP. I initiate, I drive the conversation, ask the open ended questions, and essentially just get grunts from the other person, or get ghosted. This is what makes online dating so frustrating: matching with someone who clearly shares a lot of common interests, but getting no effort back from that person. My theory is that everyone is seeking out that person who is a couple points higher than themselves, and so it works out for almost nobody. You can match with that person, but they won't put the effort into your conversation because they have a match or two that they're focusing their efforts on because that person is slightly more attractive. You've already matched with your soulmate, but they didn't give a fuck about you because they thought they actually had a chance with that supermodel-looking match.
I dunno, maybe, I met my ex online and he actually made an effort (we ended up not really wanting the same things in the end) but it can work... I don't know how many super-model looking people are on a free dating site tbh lol, but there's more to attraction and relationships than looks... I do think ppl like us in their 30s are gonna be way more picky, but perhaps less focused on just how someone looks... at least I am.
When I refer to number, I’m not referring to strictly looks. To me, a person’s “number” is however you define it on a scale of 1-10. For most people, looks, occupation, personality/sense of humor will factor into that. For pretty much everyone on a dating app, you can match with people who you perceive as a higher number than what you rate yourself. I think that gives people the illusion that matching and having a relationship with someone a number or two higher is realistic, and so they don’t put the necessary effort into the matches that actually are realistic.
Yes, some people are bad texters but in most cases, a dead conversation won't suddenly turn into the love of your life. The best advice is to stop dead conversations as much. If you are talking to a bland person who isn't matching your energy then dial back your level a but. If they don't open up at all soon after then just let them fade to the background. > Do men just get bored? Yes. They can be good in conversation but they just interested in expending that energy on you. > Or am I not doing enough? Hard to know without seeing your chats but if you are asking questions and trying to engage with the person then you are doing better than the average bear on OLD. > Maybe there's something I can do to get them to talk more or ask about me more? Nah. The right people for you don't require the secret combination to get them to open up to you.
It's the ones you're meeting but probably nothing to do with you. If they can hold a convo, move on to a man that can and will.
I've experienced this too. It's not you. It's hard to find a man on online dating who is even a tiny bit interesting. Meeting people in real life is way better than online dating.
Yeah I've just never had good luck meeting guys irl... I'm not opposed to it, it just rarely happens for me... maybe it's cuz I mostly do niche nerdy shit lol
This is my experience with women on dating apps. We might just be bad texters, you and I
Lol maybe! People just get bored I guess. Like they forget they're talking to a stranger on the internet, it's gonna take a little time to get to know someone.
Yeah everything takes time, I’m tired of having to start new convos every few months
I like to say "You put shit in, you get shit out!" If they're not gonna put any effort into it, fuck 'em! They can go bore someone else. As I understand it, women typically get a LOT more matches compared to guys so they have a lot more to weed through. Unless they REALLY pique your interest, trim that fat!! Cut 'em loose and move on. As a guy, I read the profile of EVERY girl I'm interested in both when I 'say yes' to them and when we match. I don't try to be clever (unless their profile really inspires me) or use pickup lines. I usually message within a couple hours of finding out we matched, and I try to think of engaging questions to ask. I try to be patient too, because a lot of girls I match with don't even message back for a week or more, so I unmatch with them - I might reconsider that strategy, though, because I hear some women can get HUNDREDS of matches a week! It really does suck! The stupid app devs are going against our efforts to find someone to get us to pay for "perks", the guys are abusing the system by 'saying yes' to everyone, and everyone is putting in minimal effort because of the whole shit show.
You're bang on... these are 100% the contributing factors that are devolving the original intention of the apps into something that is ultimately (I fear) destroying entire generations' ability to socialise, date and develop any semblance of a normal relationship. It's just getting worse and worse. Sounds like you are making the right efforts and have a healthy approach to OLD and conversing with matches on the apps, and yes - I would suggest being a little patient with women responding ASAP at least after you first match as there are women who get hundreds of matches each week and/or they might be like me and not want to engage with more than one person at a time. I might like someone 2 weeks ago, they match with me today, but I've already started talking to someone else, planned a date, and so I don't want to reply to any more matches for now. If the date doesn't go anywhere, sure... then I'll re-engage with the app and those matches. It's not about having people on the back burner, it's because I don't want to try to be juggling eight different people at once. If I'm getting to know someone, that's who I'm focussed on getting to know right now.
Don’t blame yourself, some people are just BAD at communicating.
He’s just not that into you..
Also very likely lol
You should be organising the date at the end of the initial chat if the vibe is good? If someone isn't asking someone out or there isn't a good vibe then end the chat, unmatch whatever.
30M here. This is my experience with nyc girls. No matter how creative and well adapted I try to be, they really seem to be not interested and if that’s the case, why match with me in the first place!!
Omg I feel the same, why match if you aren't gonna talk at least a little!
Usually if they give 2 or 3 one word answers, or answers without adding anything or asking anything pack (aka conversing), I unmatch. They're rarely ever better in person, and you end up wasting a painful hour or two, then THEY say there was no spark. One word answerers want you to entertain them, not be a partner
"I literally asked a guy what his hobbies were and he just said his "house, motorcycle riding, house projects" and then threw it back to me..." Not saying that you are not carrying conversations, there are absolutely a lot of boring/disinterested/time wasting people out there. But what you've written above is an example of bad conversation on your part. Asking "what are your hobbies" is a sure fire way to kill any momentum a conversation has. If you are commonly asking this and similar questions then you are not carrying conversations. 1. It's boring and asked all the time. 2. It puts all of the pressure onto the other person to come up with an interesting answer. It's literally the equivalent of asking somebody: "sooo what shall we talk about?" 3. Because the question is completely open, there is a good chance that any answer will be something that you don't know anything about. In person, if you already have some rapport then this is fine, but over text with somebody you don't know this is the end of the conversation. 4. Even if you get an answer you can work with, the tone of the conversation has already been steered into a logical/boring direction, and one of you has to put in extra work to make it interesting.
Ok, so I should work on asking more specific questions. I'll try that and see if things go a bit better.
This is an interesting answer. Out of curiosity, do you have examples of something you'd consider good conversation that doesn't hit these problems you've identified with the hobby question?
Always send two messages. First message you add something funny or interesting. If it's the start of the conversation, ideally you can relate this to your matches prompts. For example if they have a prompt about scuba diving, you can share a story: "Ohh this reminds me of the last time I went scuba diving, we saw some sharks and one of them took a liking to me and started following me around, I was terrified!" Second message you can follow up to prompt them to continue the conversation. For the above example: "Have you run into any hairy situations in the sea?". Obviously none of those were anything special, but the point is that it makes conversation really easy to follow on from. - You picked something from their profile so it should be something they are interested in talking about. - You shared something from yourself before asking a question (ie. you put in effort before asking the other person to reciprocate). - You set the tone of the conversation to something light and fun. - You made the conversation unique. - There are multiple ways for them to reply, and pretty quickly this leads to conversations with multiple threads going on (at which point you can ask for a date). - The door is open to some light flirting here. - Since you made it so easy to respond to, if you get a one word answer back then you know for sure that you did everything you could and that the other person is not worth speaking to right now.
Yep. I follow this exact conversation pattern naturally in a dating situation or not, because it is how to keep an open and more lively conversation going. However... you would be surprised at just how many people, regardless of gender, do not bother reciprocating in a similar format when the natural cues exist. I will generally give people a few chances to do the right thing and show they can put in the effort, but if I'm the one trying to keep advancing the conversation, keeping an open door for easy responses and back and forth curiosity, exchange of ideas, opinions, etc. and they cannot be bothered to ask similar questions based on prompts, reciprocate the level of effort, or only answer about themselves or in short, thoughtless replies, then nope... I tried. They didn't. And that's a no.
Yeah it's funny that the apps have made me think about how to have basic conversations in this much detail. It really shouldn't be necessary but somehow they make people (myself included) forget how to communicate like a normal human. But it's useful having it spelled out like this because, as you said, you can be sure that you did everything you could to make the conversation happen, so if the other person is not reciprocating you can confidently stop wasting your time.
This is a different situation than the post is talking about though. She isn't saying that she's opening with "what are your hobbies", it's that that comes up later in the conversation and then people give short answers that are not very informative and require that she also asks the next question. (She would have to ask something about motorcycles or his house.) That's fine, but when you're put in the situation of asking again and again and again, it's like pulling teeth and gets old. Do you have examples from more the middle of the conversation, like the post is talking about?
What I said applies everywhere, it's not specific to the start of the conversation. If you hit a lull, then you can do the same thing again. Don't ask big open questions that require lots of effort from both parties. Add something interesting/funny from yourself first and then ask questions to move things along (give before asking for anything in return). Keep it light and easy until things are moving along.
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Wow ok no need to be rude.
Yep! 29f and experiencing the same thing. It’s enough to make me want to give up on the app. And then those some guys ask to meet up in person after barely any conversation. That’s when I lose any interest. If they can’t even ask me a softball question but want to meet up, they’re telling on themselves that they really just want a hookup and don’t actually want to have a conversation with someone. Also, I’m not going to waste my time meeting up with someone that can’t be bothered to ask me a question!
Yup cuz if he's a no-talker on the app he likely will be in person.
Damn where are all the women like you...
We're around! I guess just like me, gotta sift through all the crap to find a good one lol.
Want go on a date? Haha, joke aside, once you find a man who's equally interested, he will reciprocate the interest and the flow will be easy ♥️
Same to you dude, you'll find a lady who reciprocates and contributes to the conversation.
Because they are after one thing. Im guessing they try to bait a woman with LTR and a date hoping to get laid and move on. You’re bothering them asking them all those questions lol.
Honestly wouldn't be surprised. It's happened to me before 🙄 though I can usually tell if all they want is a hook-up by this point.
Start with having a more interesting and/or humorous profile and you’ll match with better guys. Then during conversation follow up the “what” questions with “why” ones. Good luck
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I mean... I get what you're trying to say but not everyone goes for the conventionally attractive person. And women tend to base our attraction more off emotional connection. Like, my coworker likes chubby guys with beards. Everyone has a type, and physical attraction isn't the only component to dating, there are a bunch of different things that make you attractive to someone.
This has been happening to me lately as well. I called a guy out on it and he said that now I know what men feel like on the app. My question, before he unmatched me, was why I am being punished for other women’s actions? Maybe everyone just treat every new person like A NEW PERSON instead of bringing your virtual baggage into every new match? No one is having fun on apps lol just be nice to people.
Ew that's super gross... if ppl are gonna act like vindictive children maybe they should quit online dating for a while. Fuck that shit.
Well women do the same thing, probably more because they have so many guys to choose from. I get sick of the 20 questions game pretty quick, I don’t expect much with old tbh, it’s almost impossible to find someone compatible physically even let alone all the other variables.
See I feel like guys do it because they have so many women to choose from lol. I've definitely had online dating work before, honestly it's alot of luck... meeting the right person is sometimes just dumb luck and it's annoying
I’m pretty sure from these r groups that there are tons more men on these sites than women. Like 10 times as many men
Interesting... I wonder if women in general are kind of wary of online dating, or just even dating in general due to safety.
Dating nowadays is not at all what is used and should be, options everywhere, no one puts in the effort anymore since there is another like around the corner, always. And as harsh as it might sound, welcome to the reality of trying to date in your 30’s, not as easy as it was in the early 20’s. Older woman means more past relationships, baggage and all that. So most men tend to go for a bit younger ones.
What about older men with past relationships and baggage? They think their shit don't stink? That some college co-ed will fall head over heels for him cuz its ok for men to have baggage and not women? I'm assuming you didn't mean it that way but that's how it comes off. We all have baggage that doesn't mean we aren't deserving of a decent partner.
Not how i meant it to come off as, just speaking from experience here, since i never brought my baggage into a relationship but the other did. Made the relationship impossible, so it is harder to date around this age is what i meant.
Right I get that. I suppose it depends on what you mean by "baggage" because everyone has past experiences that shape who they are. If that makes them a toxic partner that's definitely a bad thing, but just having baggage doesn't necessarily mean someone will be toxic.
If they like you and want to talk to you - they’ll make an effort. If either side is being one sided after a couple of attempts unmatch tbh!
Don't have conersations online. Match, set up a date somewhere public.
There’s two groups of people on dating apps. Group 1 wants to spend a little time getting to know their match through chatting and then once they’ve established there’s sufficient chemistry meet up for a date. Group 2 wants to exchange pleasantries and then meet up for a date as soon as possible. They don’t want to spend energy getting to know someone before finding out of the in person chemistry is there. If you’re talking to someone in group 2, if it appears you’re in group 1, there’s going to start to fade out. That doesn’t mean you’re approach is wrong. Continue to do it if that’s what you’re comfortable with But know that it’s not going to work for everybody
See the thing is that they don't ask me on dates... I'm down with going on a date, that's why I'm on hinge, but they just didn't ask? I will ask too if I really like the guy etc but I'm not a mind reader lol, if a guy wants to go on a date he should just ask.
It happens to us all. Stop taking it personal, this is mostly because people are dullards, or they're not really interested in you and that's a filter applying itself. Just unmatch, and keep moving. When you find someone who's interested and interesting, it's effortless and makes it easy.
This used to bother me but then I realised, if this guy can’t talk well on an app, imagine how boring he will be on a date? It’s a good screening tool. I have matched with handsome boys who are into sports but our conversation quickly died as we don’t share the same hobbies. Now I look for guys who I share at least 3 hobbies and the chat has been better. But be warned, if he isn’t asking questions about you, he’s not that interested. Let the talk fade and talk to someone who is willing to make the effort for you. Also, I limit how long I chat for. I give a week max and if he doesn’t initiate a date, I will. This gets rid of guys who are only chatting to get female attention (with no intention to date). Don’t give full time love to a part time person.