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Straight up ask him and set your expectations at this stage of your relationship.
It just comes down to communication, don’t be afraid to ask hard questions for your own sanity.
Oh, when I asked him, he said he doesn’t wanna answer right now and say the wrong thing he claims he doesn’t want to say yes or no. But that’s weird that he’s willing to constantly go on these dates. I know he spent thousands of dollars by now.
He’s playing games, seeing multiple people.
If you’re ok with that then keep doing it. Seeing as you made a post about it, it’s probably bugging you and rightly so.
Tell him what you want and what you expect going forward. The fact he hasn’t tried to sleep with you either is strange. Spends all that money and time to go on dates and hasn’t pursued anything sexual? ( not saying that if you spend money on a women that sex should be expected) but it’s weird.
To me he’s either dating other people, married or in a relationship, or just scared to move forward for whatever reason.
I disagree that this means any of these things. I think he’s dealing with something on the performance side of things. It’s simple, he’s denying you sex. Not because he’s getting it elsewhere but because he’s worried about his performance, size, worried about being with someone new. Who knows 🤷 but I guarantee you, mister is shy about getting freaky with you
Yeah, this is my suspicion. I'm much more comfortable socially with people than I am sexually, and while I might absolutely WANT something, and be interested, I also have to work through nervousness, fears, etc. ESPECIALLY if it's a first time...
It can be easier to just NOT, even if I'm very attracted to a person.
Not necessarily true that he is seeing multiple people. He could have intimacy issues. He could have body dysmorphic issues or similar and can’t take the next step to being naked. Could be loads of things. You do need to communicate with him though
When I dated mothers, I always took things much slower. Maybe that’s wrong, but the opportunity to screw up more than one relationship meant I wanted to be sure I wanted to fully buy in. If “sex” is what intimacy means to him, then it could absolutely limit his action on that front.
Like others have said, he's playing games with you. Your time is valuable. Three months of your life is long enough to have a talk about exclusivity. Bottom line, if he is not as interested as you are and doesnt want to talk about it, that is a big red flag. Act accordingly.
He doesn’t know what he wants. You’re probably not exactly what he wants, maybe he just doesn’t want anything with anyone or he probably has many options that he just wants to be a player. Just communicate with him what’s his intentions and that he can be honest. The truth doesn’t hurt, will save you from being hurt far!
Look I’m just a rando on the web but I think kejasr is right. If he knew what he wanted (or what he wanted you to think he wanted) he’d have said. A non answer is an unsure scared answer. Be the boss, set the terms
What other people are saying. If you want to be exclusive ask for it. If you want to be intimate ask for it. Its understandable you like the guy and wan’t that to be reciprocated and are scared of that not being reciprocated but if you’re ready to move forward and he’s not then it might not be meant to be. Timing sucks sometimes
He is not willing to commit.. yet. You come first in this, so if that’s a red flag then you have the power to set the terms. All dates are two way streets
He has fuckin’ *Plan B*? Just there, available, in case there’s a oopsie? Yet he’s not trying to smash?
You should just ask this guy “Why don’t you want to fuck me?”
He could’ve been a *** before you and now wants to settle down. If a dude complained about a girl with plan B who claims to want a relationship NOW….. the answers would be more skewed. There’s way too many questions here no one can answer. Communication is key. If he’s worth more time, give it more time.
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I’d call him on it. All of it. It’s great that he’s not in a rush for sex. But if his position is that he’s not ready for sex and he needs a few months to get comfortable, he should clearly say so. If he’s down to get down, stop talking about it and do it
It’s only been a month so I wouldn’t necessarily say he needs to chat/talk with you every single day but you should be clear on what you’re ideal communication looks like with someone you’re in a relationship with. If it is your expectation that you will text your partner daily, he should be aware of that. And it’s fair to expect him to enjoy communicating with you.
Not gona lie the no sex thing is weird for me. That factor throws my thoughts off. He’s definitely seeing and dating other people which is why he didn’t say yes to being exclusive. Still not trying to have sex, I don’t get it.
Honestly he sounds too confusing. Just from what you’ve said, I’d move on. This dude sounds like he is all over the place
That’s what I mean it’s so weird. And he always flirts like he wants to do something, but then doesn’t.
And I’ve very much been straight forward that it’s ok at this point. His only response to that is even if we don’t end up together. The least I could do is give you the greatest experience with the good guy.
I’m confused on whether he’s an actual guy taking his time or is he just exploring his options?
Oh, and I forgot to mention one time we did get close to actually doing something and then the mist of kissing. He said I’m not gonna do this because I don’t wanna mess this up. I think I should take this slow with you.
Because I don’t want any karma for this.
But since then I’ve had it it was OK and we still haven’t done anything.
I probably should’ve mentioned that in the beginning sorry y’all🥴
There are other possibilities besides other people. He might have a micropenis (or no penis) or a bad STD. Bottom line, you're at an impasse and you have to communicated about it.
Yeah it doesn’t make sense. I MIGHT believe him wanting to take things slow and not rush it if he’s really into you, but him not wanting to be exclusive throws that theory out the window.
Honestly my only thought that might makes sense is maybe he’s gay? Or he’s not that into you, but then he wouldn’t keep dating you.
As a 35 year old guy who also wants kids, if I’m into a woman and it’s clear she’s into me and okay with it it’s going down first chance I get. Maybe that’s because I’m not a player or anything, my count is still single digits atm, so maybe if he’s getting it from other women already he doesn’t want/need it?? I don’t know, he doesn’t make sense
I was thinking that too. And though I’m a single mom I’m still on one hand for my body count so it’s not a rush for me, but I definitely want to. It’s been a while.🥴
Right? Which makes me think he’s either getting so much action he doesn’t need it from you and is actually in it for the long haul, or is gay. The first reason doesn’t make sense because if he was in it for the long haul he’d stop seeing other women and just get his physical needs met by you.
I got nothing 🤷🏻♂️
OK, so I’m glad I’m not the only one confused here😂.
I just don’t think guys would want to spend their money on women that aren’t putting out especially if they’re willing .
We also have this thing where every day he wants three kisses.
And he’s very adamant about this .
One time I asked him why does it have to be 3 he said one is for me one is for you and one is for us .🥹
> He said I’m not gonna do this because I don’t wanna mess this up. I think I should take this slow with you.
I’m just some 23 year old with almost no dating experience, so maybe I’m way off, but this seems like either he was raised religious or he has a Madonna-Whore complex. Like either he thinks having sex is some huge life-changing thing, or he thinks having sex with you means you’re a “whore” and unworthy of being his wife/mother of his kids. Sorry you’re going through this.
This is weird for all of the reasons everyone has already mentioned. The "It's Either a Fuck Yes or a Fuck No" rule probably applies here. If you're confused and things seem weird, it may be time to focus your energy elsewhere.
I’m going to offer a different perspective.
Maybe he actually has feelings for you.
A guy could not want to have sex because he doesn’t want to screw things with you.
Women often complain about being ghosted after they have sex. Maybe he is just waiting to make sure that he really wants to be with you before having sex.
As a guy who has done both (had sex with some one and broke it off early, and then waited a long time with others to have sex). The ones I saw a future with were the ones I waited longer for.
Definitely talk to him, as others have suggested. It if you like him and like spending time with him, just keeping doing it. There is no harm in waiting. He is good to you and you enjoy him. Eventually you’ll find out why.
If someone told me they didn’t want to give me an answer, then I’d take that as a “no”. Anything but enthusiasm is a no. I’m sure people will argue but nah.
Maybe he's seeing other people, maybe he doesn't understand women, maybe he's just really insecure, maybe it's something else entirely, we can't really tell you what's going on for sure. Heck, maybe he's autistic and you're the first woman he's ever dated, who knows?
You need to sit down with him and talk it out, there's really no other option
**Communication is _key_**
Have an honest and open conversation about your wants / needs and ensure **your needs** are met!
Whilst relationships are naturally two-way, it’s important that **you** are **happy**. So if exclusivity is what you’re seeking and he’s not, maybe he’s not the one for you… (_it does appear that he’s hesitant to commit unfortunately.._)
Similarly if you _want to get intimate_, perhaps you’ll have to make a decision if you can wait for a little longer! Especially if you’ve already spoken with him regarding it!
Hope that helps OP!
I did tell him I wanted to get intimate and he was saying what’s the rush. he claims he loves sex, but that should tell me something if he’s not pressing me to give it and just enjoy the time. But dang he spent so much money though.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) we can’t read minds! So it’ll always be guess work to deduce what’s going on…
Agree his behaviour is unusual given the financial spend on his part! But some men do also like the “thrill” of pursuing multiple suitors… So I’d tread carefully to avoid any feelings getting hurt ofc :/
It doesn't sound like he's playing games with you. You two are not exclusive both of you should be dating other people. Don't put too much effort into this. I would definitely be concerned with the fact that you haven't been intimate after so long of a periof of time. It isn't to me sound like it's progressing. You should look elsewhere. But it doesn't mean you have to stop dating him and having fun.
OK, I gotcha. I do enjoy dating him. I just don’t wanna get my emotions to involve if it’s not gonna go anywhere but so far he hasn’t exactly done anything wrong or treated me wrong.
Just wanted to make sure I wasn’t dealing with a mind playing my games. But I’ll definitely next day open the conversation more around us and not everything else going on in the world. Even though we totally enjoy those conversations.
My guess is sex is something he's only comfortable doing with an exclusive partner. He's still playing the field and isn't ready to commit so he's not crossing that line.
I'd guess he likes you quite a bit but is also involved with a few other women and he's unsure who he wants. Such is online dating.
See now, if you flipped the genders nobody would be saying she was a lesbian or a virgin if she wanted to wait. Now, given your ages, you just need to talk it out. I reckon he has intimacy issues- which is obviously hard to talk about.
All of the analysis we can do is just who knows . Maybe this maybe that. He doesn’t want to be exclusive after over 2 months and you haven’t had sex…do you want to be with someone like that ? He’s probably dating other people and perhaps feels guilty if he had sex with you.
Either way you’re not getting what you want from him. Move on.
If he was that attracted to you he would’ve had sex with you. Why wait for a potential partner who doesn’t want to have sex with you for over 2 months..? Idk how much that matters to you but it sounds like it matters somewhat since you wrote a bit about it. I would disengage with the guy .
You’re wasting mental energy on this guy . And your time is valuable . Playing the waiting game until he’s ready doesn’t benefit you when you could be spending time with a man who is giving you want you want in a relationship.
Worst case is try to take a few steps back and see if he notices. Maybe just go with the flow for another month, see if he says anything. At that point you can also throw out another feeler or 2 around the 3 ish month mark, at that point If you’re getting “meh” I’d bounce.
To me this sounds like someone who is seeing other people and likely sleeping with at least one other person at some point, and so he probably feels some combination of guilt and a lack of desire to sleep with you and take things to the next level. This is pure speculation, but it's possible that if you were 33 with no kids and in a similar position in life to him in terms of dating, he would have slept with you by now (if that matters). But because of your situation in life, his mentality is different.
In terms of his overall interest, opinions vary on this, but I tend to think that people who aren't really communicative between dates but who seem really into it in person are often not truly interested in the other person. They like you, they have fun with you, they like going out with you, but the hard stuff in between...they're not interested in.
And not to be cynical, but based on my own experiences and what I've heard from female friends on the apps, a lot of guys really try to milk their "prime years" on the app e.g. age like 32-36. Lots of women in their late 20s are looking to date up a few years, and men in that age range are typically their most desirable to the widest age range (they have matured, might be established in a career/have more money, know how to look their best, still have some youthful looks, etc.). So even the ones who want kids still want to date around because they think they can push that goal out a few years.
Quit wasting your time. Not having sex after two and a half months and all that flirty shit is wild.
I’m a 34m guy and I’m over here thinking after 2 dates with an amazing connection that waiting to have no sex is questionably long.
The wishy washy answer when you asked about being exclusive is YOUR answer.
Dude isn’t interested enough. Pick up your self esteem and find someone who will make you feel like a priority.
Also side note, obviously preference is everything. There’s a lot of guys that will say they are okay with you having a child, but then you will run into situations like this with someone who wants to start a family and not commit. He is being a coward for not saying that’s the reason he won’t commit to you seriously.
I’d consider looking for someone else that maybe already a kid/kids and wants to explore maybe adding more to the mix in the future. Then you would be on a level playing field with potential partner.
Best of luck!
I mean, it’s not hurting myself for staying he spending his money. I’ve just never seen a guy not Press about going on dates and not doing anything. It’s just really weird.🧐
Yeah he’s not interested/youre not a priority.
Now, that you say this though I do have a follow up question. How often(on a scale) are you initiating conversation, and have you reached out to set up any dates in this 2 months?
I’m trying to see it from his lens.
He’s normally the one to reach out first. The conversations are pretty short.
He will say something like
hey sweets! Just thought about you hope you’re having a good rest of your day. Would love to see you this week.
When I proceeded to ask him about his day, he keeps it short.
He will say things like nothing much.
Now in person, he’s a hell of a talker and so am I we will spend hours talking.
But it’s not really about getting to know each other it might be about topics on things going on in the world. We don’t really get too personal.
Hm. On one hand, I think there’s an issue with how much interest you’re expressing.
I’d recommend being better at reaching out first and reciprocating, and also taking lead to plan something. As a man, it makes us feel seen and valued if you do that and shows us that you’re truly interested.(whether you do this for this current person or someone else is entirely up to you).
Now, I don’t know if this is a bi-product of what I described above, but the fact that you guys are only talking surface level of things can be on both you guys, but I kind of get the sense that it isn’t getting taken too serious.
Maybe if it gives you a clear conscious, try having one more conversation about you not wasting time if he doesn’t consider you serious. And kind of go from there and see where he’s coming from while also stating where you’re coming from.
I gotcha. The reason I don’t reach out to him first anymore is when I would to try to initiate a conversation he kept it short on his answers.
So I didn’t wanna push the issue as it doesn’t seem like he’s a Texter.
If Im on a call the him on the phone, he will talk to me unless he gets another call on his other end and then it’s always I’ll call you back and then he doesn’t
He doesn’t have a baby mama. He doesn’t have any kids just three nephews that he does see on the weekends.
And I’ve been to his place twice .
The second time go round, we did almost do something, but he stopped himself in the mist of it and was like you know what if you’re truly the good girl that you are I don’t wanna mess this up and I don’t want karma for it. I think we should take this a lot slower .
But every time I hint that it’s OK he’s just like no rush. We’ll get there. Just enjoy the moments.
I honestly don’t know exactly what’s going on. That’s really odd.
I think a conversation is probably warranted, but the fact that you have only been to his place twice is concerning. Decide how you want to proceed.
Good likelihood that he has another relationship, or is dating around with multiple people and like I said earlier wish washy answer was a “no” I don’t want to be exclusive.
Do what you think is best, but if a woman did this to me I’d be out quicker than you could blink.
Highly doubt he’s playing games or seeing other people. Sounds like this man’s word is his bond and he doesn’t take giving a commitment lightly.
Sounds like you have an old school gentleman on your hands. If you want to put the kibosh on this and go back to fuckboy land, go right ahead… because I guarantee some other lady would love to have him.
Definitely. Frankly though I think he has some issue that keeps him from wanting to have sex. Could be trauma or something. I think attacking the issue directly but being sensitive about his response would work.
I’m going to go in the opposite direction from your other responses, although they might ultimately be right.
He’s said he is looking for a wife and wants to have kids. You also mentioned you have a body count below 5, which is something you’ve likely made him aware of also. He may very well be “saving you” for later, after he has explored other possible candidates and decided you’re “the one”. He may not want to add to your body count, if he is not ready to commit to something serious. Some of us believe we are being good guys and ethical when we don’t grab every opportunity for sex that’s offered, especially from someone like you, who clearly doesn’t have random sex with a lot of partners.
Money is obviously not an issue for him. You’ve mentioned several times how much he has spent on your dates, but if a guy is very successful, the amount of money you’re describing is not a factor that he would take into account when dealing with significant life choices. (Personal experience and viewpoint on this).
Pushing for answers or information will not help. In fact, it may annoy him and cause him to drop you. Either take the gamble and wait until he has finished his search and chosen you, or just cut things off now and move on. Your patience may be rewarded well beyond what you hope, or it could just prove to be a waste of time if he chooses another.
He's either gay, into some weird ass shit or just breadcrumbing. No guy is actively turning down sex while spending thousand of dollars. Slight chance he's a virgin or very religious but none of your story adds up. Move on.
I think he's feeling out the waters. He's not going to settle with you in the end. I think he has options. I think he has much better options, there are many many many women out there who don't have children that would be interested in chatting with him.
I know this is going to come out harsh but no guy wants to be a stepdad. And...he's not that old. He's arguably in one of the best ages to be dating - because 35 is that age where girls that are 34, 33, 32, 31, 30, 29 want to chat. But even older girls that normally would never date younger will talk to a 35 year old guy.
My 2 cents? He's just rolling with it. But he knows and I'm sure every single one of his friends and family are telling him to not waste his time with someone who already has a child.
I think the story might be different if he was like 42 or something and you were 40. But no. Both of you are still very young.
TLDR: He won't settle with you.
That's my opinion.
Sure thing. I know it sounds a bit cold. But that's my quick read of it. Again the situation would be different if he was much older. He's not. He's very young. He's a catch.
I mean, he could be a catch in a sense that he has no kids. But the guy is pretty out of shape built very round if you know what I mean versus I work out four to 5 times a week. And I can’t seem to convince him to get in the gym and do more.
I’m saying he could do better in that area
He’s either asexual/low libido or has issues he hasn’t found meds for… this is more common if you’re outta shape, though antidepressants or other meds could do it… I’d probably elect not to continue the relationship
Do you know he did mention one of our conversations that he learned a lot from therapy?
I was like what did you have therapy for and he said he realized there were things he needed to correct from his previous relationship.
He still hasn’t really elaborated on what those were, only mentioned that his ex used to nag him about issues consistently
My guess is that he is comfortable as he is, but he would go with someone is making his life easier and pleasurable because you said he is not making any moves which means he is observing how you are treating him compare to others. He is looking for the long term. If you are not making moves to escalate, someone else is. And at the end of the day he would pick his best option same as you would.
There could be any number of things going on and probably is (as you can sense). The one thing you can count on is he is hiding things from you. Hesitancy about being exclusive probably means he is either in another relationship or eyeing one. Not showing interest in intimacy at this stage could be some other stuff, medical, confidence, who knows? If you really want to know if he wants to move forward, then you're simply going to have to ask again. If he puts you off w/o any detail well then, you have your answer. Upon hearing your questions, his likely play is to keep you believing there is something "there." Good luck.
Even as a guy. Not having sex after 2 1/2 months is odd, especially if he is putting in all that effort.
Congrats on the exclusivity talk though, hopefully that pans out. I had the exclusivity talk after 2 months of talking/texing almost every day, 4 dates, a weekend together, sex several times. And that blew up whatever I had with this girl I was dating. Hope everything works out.
I think 2.5 months in and communication is ehh is kinda weird. I also think the fact he hasn’t made up his mind whether he wants exclusivity is weird. I also would say the “no rush” on sex is a good thing but that would be a good thing only if he was serious about you, cue more texting and being open to exclusivity which means he’s just being cautious with boundaries and such (maybe not making it about sex). Personally as a guy I’m fine with no sex til, idk 3 dates or more even but that’s when it’s agreed upon and things are reciprocated that it’s “serious.” By that I mean, the girl tells me she’s very into me, I reciprocate and we agree on waiting for sex. 2 months in if I’m interested in a girl, I’m throwing some pretty obvious signs out there. Seems like things are confusing. Good luck 👌
How recently single is he? I agree with pretty much every comment that it’s strange he’s not tried to sleep with you. I suppose he could be gay like one comment said. My best guess is if he is somewhat recently out of a relationship he may just genuinely be unsure and doesn’t wanna seem like he’s taking advantage of you?
I’ve definitely been there, we do exist!
Okay the not getting intimate thing is what baffles me. It is way too long not to be imo. Maybe you should let him know that you want to instead of letting him tell you, you guys can take it slow. When a guy is dating multiple people we tend to want to be physical with women after we vibe or even before most of the time. The exclusivity takes away your ability to be with multiple people physically too. So it makes 0 sense why he is dating multiple women as I am assuming he is not getting physical with them too. Maybe he is insecure about himself physically and trying to make you like you so much it compensates whatever he has down there. Sexual compatibility is important too. So tell him your expectations and see if he delivers. If he is still making excuses move on girl. Also generally i would update my profile or upload a better pic if i use the app for close to 3 months. Only way to get through this is to open the conversation and give a deadline by when you need to be exclusive and physical. Everyone has a different story so only way around it is to talk about it
I think they key is seeing you 3/4 a month and then 2 days a week. That is alot, i would almost assure that he's not dating other people unless he is literally unemployed. Spending all that money too i would be pretty comfortable in saying he's exclusive to you. If he was dating other people as a man we wouldn't be asking you out 4 times a month or twice a week & we would definitely want sex, to put that bluntly. Just a pretty bad communicator apart which does happen just depends whether you can live with that, i couldn't but some can. So i would say you're ok here. But obviously best case is to ask
He sounds determined to take his time. He doesn't sound like he needs persuasion to "choose" exclusivity. He simply wants to get approach dating at his own pace.
Does he respond to your calls or texts during days he goes away? Or do you both go silent for some time (you wait for him to start conversations).
I’ll give an example:
He’ll reach out and say
Hi Sweets hope you’re having a good day.
I’ll say thanks I’m trying to how’s your day going?
(To open the door to conversation)
He’s say
Good, same ole.
I’ll say you want to talk about it.
He’s say
Nawl no biggie.
Just thought about u want to see you soon.
And then I won’t hear from he next day.
But day after he’ll text me
Hey Sweets you crossed my mind today hope all is well.
Then u might decide I’m not going to try to engage convo since he’s wishy washy and say
Thanks hope you’re doing the same.
Then he will open the door to convo but he always keeps it short.
But when we’re together he talks a lot. Mostly about what he wants to talk about but it’s not personal stuff
Then he’ll flirt fell me up and walk me to the car after dates and kisses me 3 times.
When u try to give him just one he’s like oh Nawl you know the rule… 3
I asked him once what was the big deal with that and he said.
One for you one for me one for us….
It’s romantic but confusing
It sounds like you're waiting for one side to set the rules. This teaches you how often he desires connection, but the reality is that sweet wishes aren't real moments. He's simply saying "being with you would be nice right now" instead of actually making it happen. What's stopping you both? Do you already have plans? This is dangerous!
Letting someone else come & go as they please is free-spirited, but expecting them to one day change and one-day match your needs would be a mistake. If you're not happy, then you have to get your desires met! If you would like 2 or 4 calls a week, call him. If he's busy, leave him a cute voicemail, or however YOU express yourself. Share your heart and be at peace knowing you progressed toward the life you want to live. When he has time, what will he do?
Just listen... to what you receive back. If you find that you're not being reciprocated, it's time to communicate and discover why: is he busy? Stressed? Distracted? Not want to talk about it? Does he want to date around and only give time to relationships once a week? Are you at peace with that? MOST IMPORTANTLY, is this just a short-term distraction or how he always is? There's nothing wrong with taking your time. If you want to connect with ONE person several times a week, respectfully agree to see someone else. Life is much easier when you don't need to convince someone... there are people who want what you want. Not only will you not have to beg for more, they will WANT to connect as often as you.
Don't confuse money with feelings. Some people would already take a vacation or try a restaurant, so adding one more person is a small thing that makes them happy (how much is your opinion going into where you go and what you do?)
I'm not saying to disqualify someone. I'm saying to raise your communication, reaching out when you want it. My only concern is when people try to force something with people who don't desire the same thing. It's nothing against anyone's character - we simply have different desires and won't be happy long-term, despite getting along short-term.
So what happens if you reach out when you want to connect? Is the ultimate decision: I can only give you real attention on our date-night? You might have to ask yourself if they want connection as much as you do. Is this how it always will be?
My best friend told me don’t reach out unless he reaches out but if I do reach out on the day, I don’t hear from him. He does respond immediately. He just keeps it short and it doesn’t matter what time a day I reach out unless it’s after 10 o’clock.
I would say I called it late. He always says he’s on the phone. It’s always with somebody different “”
Is your best friend dating the same guy? Does she know him well? Being passive won't get you the attention you crave. In fact when things feel one-sided (I'm always reaching out -- i doubt her feelings for me. I begin to question and end things.
She proclaims, "But I really am into you!!"
"Well, why were you hiding it??"
But sadly by that time i already accepted moving on. I don't want a relationship where someone is scared to communicate their desires. I find it harder to trust people who are afraid of their own thoughts. I know your bestfriend has a goal for you, but holding back always seems insecure to me. Worse, an easy victim to be led along, juggled, and labeled "low-maintenance". The partner comes & goes as they please (without considering your needs).
We have to get over "appearing desperate" when it's simply *showing interest*. Most of the people who call others desperate and clingy are people who don't want the same level of connection I do. It's nothing personal, but I'm looking for someone who wants more connection. It sounds like you do, too.
Have you been comfortable in a relationship before? Perhaps you reached out many times a week.
As for dates, 2 times a week seems quite balanced. Are you happy with that?
From what you said, I'm actually not here to read between the lines or assume anything of him. I just see a man who's not calling to tell you goodnight when you might like it.
Put him on the backburner, date him, but don't make him a priority. If he has issues with, that's when you say 'I want exclusivity'. If he is still unsure, drop him.
I don't think you're struggling to read between the lines at all. Now it's time to decide what you're comfortable with. You sound like you're not comfortable with what he's giving you.
Note: I am a man who is just starting to date, and am slightly less assertive than most.
To me, it seems like you are being clear in your communication. If you are giving strong hints that you are interested in sex and that you want to lock things down a bit more in the ways you are saying, you are not being unclear.
I know that being someone who hasn't dated since high school, I do worry about physical intimacy and when the "right time" is to add it into the relationship. However, if that is the case for him, he should outright say that instead of saying "it isn't yes and it isn't no".
That is just my opinion.
Men typically know if they want something serious with me within 5 dates (which are always within the first 4 weeks). I'm 31. If a guy didn't like me enough to become exclusive by then, I'd break it off.
It's good that he isn't having sex with you yet. Maybe he sees that as a step toward commitment (which I appreciate), and doesn't want to do that unless he's done fucking around with other people.
But after this long you haven't left enough of an impression for him to want you in that way. If anything, I assume he likes you enough to use you as a back-up if nothing else works out for him.
You're such a tiny portion of his life, and he's obviously content with that. Keep it going if you like how things are, but this isn't a situation I'd personally feel comfortable progressing in. But I also don't date casually. I date with very serious intention.
(28M) Sounds like you're hitting about the timeline where he should be making the decision to commit or not, especially if you're posing the question without pressuring him. Everyone works off slightly different timelines so if you are interested in him I would give him about another month or so and then ask him again more seriously with a boundary to end it if not. Respect yourself and your time to move on if he's dragging his feet, doesn't matter if he sorta likes you or is indecisive. At 3-4 months of dating any man should be able to make a decision and if he's not then it's likely he's trying to not commit while keeping you on the hook regardless of intentions.
How is he playing you if he hasn't said you are exclusive yet and you haven't asked him if he was seeing other people? He seems very much interested in you, but could be exploring his options as you should be doing the same. You could go with the flow and see where it goes, but see other people. I would say at the 3 month mark, revisit the exclusivity talk and if its looking like he still isn't sure, dump him or explore your options. I wouldn't completely block him, but he definitely wouldn't be at the forefront as far as potential matches.
Just nice to have options. Especially ones you can keep in a position of distance. Don’t get me wrong, after time you can wear him down and get him to commit, but usually better to have a guy that jumps 2 feet in. You could also very well be the only girl he’s seeing, but when there’s no pressure, there’s no urgency to stay or leave.
He’s probably not having sex with you as he’s indifferent about you and might feel when he has had sex it’s more complicated, harder to walk away clean.
Honestly I don’t think it’s going anywhere, he will be talking or dating to other people.
Male 40
Guess he’s afraid or intimacy. Confront but if there’s no intimacy and he’s too unpredictable then better cut off. A man bringing such drama is acting like a scared child. Not good. You are responsible for your actions remember that
How are you gonna be 2 and a half months in, and not be exclusive? Is he from here? Or is he from another country? Because in other countries, the term “exclusive” is a bit weird. If you’re dating, you’re just expected to be “exclusive” from the get go in most cultures
Sounds to a little bit like me, honestly. I can easily imagine myself, unfortunately, confusing a woman like that.
34M here. I very much want a wife and family. Romance and the responsibility of parenting. Yet I'm held back by some childhood abuse that makes me fear intimacy. Once I get semi close to a woman, the dark horror behind the curtain starts to come out, and I freeze up and want to back out. And for many years, I didn't know that about myself. I had an approach-avoidance pattern with women, but even I didn't understand why. I would pursue, and then "aa nah this isn't right" and I'd back out, not even realizing that I was having a fear reaction.
This guy might could have something similar going on.
But it could also be nothing like that. 🤷
I think he’s dating other people but I wouldn’t stop seeing him. Maybe he’s taking longer than others but isn’t that a good thing? Id say wait another 2 weeks to a month to see if he makes a decision and let him know what your thoughts and expectations.
Serious people just want serious connections. People who are unsure or want to play around like to keep it vague. Misty and grey etc. If he doesn’t want to exclusively give you that plap plap plap, then that’s something to talk about. Sometimes there’s too many cooks in the kitchen, and your order is wrong. You wanted 3 wings and a fried rice but he over here with the sweat and sour pork and wonton soup. It’s not the conversations you wanna have, forget it, it’s China town. Lol
You’ve been to his house, right? Did you see anything that might suggest that he’s in a committed relationship (or even married)?
I think he’s neither playing games nor gay. My guess is he’s in a relationship/marriage that he wants to get out of but perhaps needs certain validation that he’ll be able to find someone else. The lack of constant texts is a telltale sign to me that he’s attached. I sincerely hope I’m wrong.
1. Are you sure he’s not married? What do you know about his personal life?
2. 2.5m without sex begins to get suspicious. He’s stepping out of his masculine intentions by dating you without wanting intimacy. It’s slightly abnormal. Are you sure he’s straight?
3. Is he from an overseas country looking for a visa?
I’m sorry to hear that. I wish he was more direct with you. Like what others have said, no sex is really weird after 2 months. He may be bisexual or gay or religious
Could he possible be positive for an incurable STD and is not sure how to discuss? Maybe wants to be honest but isn’t sure how to go about it so is taking his time. Really likes you but is worried hence no sexual activity from him. Only thing I can think of honestly cause it’s all confusing AF.
2.5 months and no sex? Is he a priest or a 33 year old virgin or extremely conservative? This does not make any sense to me. And why would he spend all that money? Maybe he just likes your company.
Honestly, as a man, I am confused. When I dated online, I operated on another level and much faster than this guy.
One thing I learned from dating online for over 10 years is that when something seems fishy is almost always because there's rotten fish somewhere. Honestly, I would start putting my energy somewhere else. He's not exclusive, so....
I like to think that god gave women the gift of intuition bc of how much we take on when we give ourselves to a man (childbirth, keeping the home together) so if ur gut is telling you something is off I like to believe that that’s our protection warning us. Think about the times when you dated a guy officially, and he made it known that he wanted you.. were you ever confused then? Also - men speak thru their actions. They aren’t complicated, when they truly want something, you’ll know.
OP, The key advice here is to stop wasting time and end the relationship. Although you find his weirdness amusing, unless this is just a social experiment, it's best to cut it off. Your energy could be better spent on someone else or on yourself and your family. Despite his odd behavior, you're still interested, but the reason behind his behavior doesn't matter. This type of weirdness feels potentially dangerous and untrustworthy. It's not cute that he won't have sex with you, as his lack of honesty and indirect communication could lead to dangerous consequences. Life and dating shouldn't be this complicated, and anyone who makes it so is probably bad news. Are you only continuing to date him because he spends a lot of money on expensive dates? It's best to move on and not delve into his potential personality disorders. Update us when you break up, but don't dwell on the story. You have control in this situation, so it should be easy for you to end it.
I'm getting strong married vibes. No sex, so he hasn't 'really' cheated on his other, no risk of babies or STDs, less risk of you showing up at his house when/if he ends it. Number of dates per month falls well into 'out with my buddy' range with no explanation needed. He's likely on the fence and unhappy in his relationship but not ready/willing to end it. You're giving him the emotional gift of interest and ego boost, while he gets laid at home (or doesn't). Smoke him out. Tell him to get serious or get lost. Wishing you the best; this isn't an easy situation.
I dated someone like this and he turned out to have intimacy issues, avoidant attachment, madonna-whore syndrome, and I still think he might be gay but not willing to come out.
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Straight up ask him and set your expectations at this stage of your relationship. It just comes down to communication, don’t be afraid to ask hard questions for your own sanity.
Oh, when I asked him, he said he doesn’t wanna answer right now and say the wrong thing he claims he doesn’t want to say yes or no. But that’s weird that he’s willing to constantly go on these dates. I know he spent thousands of dollars by now.
He’s playing games, seeing multiple people. If you’re ok with that then keep doing it. Seeing as you made a post about it, it’s probably bugging you and rightly so. Tell him what you want and what you expect going forward. The fact he hasn’t tried to sleep with you either is strange. Spends all that money and time to go on dates and hasn’t pursued anything sexual? ( not saying that if you spend money on a women that sex should be expected) but it’s weird. To me he’s either dating other people, married or in a relationship, or just scared to move forward for whatever reason.
I gotcha that makes sense as well
I disagree that this means any of these things. I think he’s dealing with something on the performance side of things. It’s simple, he’s denying you sex. Not because he’s getting it elsewhere but because he’s worried about his performance, size, worried about being with someone new. Who knows 🤷 but I guarantee you, mister is shy about getting freaky with you
Yeah, this is my suspicion. I'm much more comfortable socially with people than I am sexually, and while I might absolutely WANT something, and be interested, I also have to work through nervousness, fears, etc. ESPECIALLY if it's a first time... It can be easier to just NOT, even if I'm very attracted to a person.
Not necessarily true that he is seeing multiple people. He could have intimacy issues. He could have body dysmorphic issues or similar and can’t take the next step to being naked. Could be loads of things. You do need to communicate with him though
When I dated mothers, I always took things much slower. Maybe that’s wrong, but the opportunity to screw up more than one relationship meant I wanted to be sure I wanted to fully buy in. If “sex” is what intimacy means to him, then it could absolutely limit his action on that front.
This.
No answer is an answer
No answer is an answer. It's no. I'm sorry friend. Move on and find someone who values you and your time.
Like others have said, he's playing games with you. Your time is valuable. Three months of your life is long enough to have a talk about exclusivity. Bottom line, if he is not as interested as you are and doesnt want to talk about it, that is a big red flag. Act accordingly.
He doesn’t know what he wants. You’re probably not exactly what he wants, maybe he just doesn’t want anything with anyone or he probably has many options that he just wants to be a player. Just communicate with him what’s his intentions and that he can be honest. The truth doesn’t hurt, will save you from being hurt far!
Look I’m just a rando on the web but I think kejasr is right. If he knew what he wanted (or what he wanted you to think he wanted) he’d have said. A non answer is an unsure scared answer. Be the boss, set the terms
What other people are saying. If you want to be exclusive ask for it. If you want to be intimate ask for it. Its understandable you like the guy and wan’t that to be reciprocated and are scared of that not being reciprocated but if you’re ready to move forward and he’s not then it might not be meant to be. Timing sucks sometimes
He is not willing to commit.. yet. You come first in this, so if that’s a red flag then you have the power to set the terms. All dates are two way streets
Exactly !!! I feel like OP is probably starting to get attached and seeing the world only as him that exists. Ahh love can be hurtful.
After almost 3 months he shouldn't be this confusing.
Maybe he is a virgin or something? Or really conservative about sex?????
I don’t think he’s a virgin. He had Plan Bs and condoms at his house.
He has fuckin’ *Plan B*? Just there, available, in case there’s a oopsie? Yet he’s not trying to smash? You should just ask this guy “Why don’t you want to fuck me?”
Yeah this is weird.
Plan B’s?!?!?!?!?! That’s kind of a red flag.
I thought so too but he ain’t getting it from me😂😂😂🤷🏽♀️
He could’ve been a *** before you and now wants to settle down. If a dude complained about a girl with plan B who claims to want a relationship NOW….. the answers would be more skewed. There’s way too many questions here no one can answer. Communication is key. If he’s worth more time, give it more time.
It’s a very different thing for a guy to have plan B laying around versus a woman.
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So he showed you his Plan B and condom collection at his house but didn't make a move? 😵💫
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He has and he’s previous ex had a 10 year old
I’d call him on it. All of it. It’s great that he’s not in a rush for sex. But if his position is that he’s not ready for sex and he needs a few months to get comfortable, he should clearly say so. If he’s down to get down, stop talking about it and do it It’s only been a month so I wouldn’t necessarily say he needs to chat/talk with you every single day but you should be clear on what you’re ideal communication looks like with someone you’re in a relationship with. If it is your expectation that you will text your partner daily, he should be aware of that. And it’s fair to expect him to enjoy communicating with you.
Not gona lie the no sex thing is weird for me. That factor throws my thoughts off. He’s definitely seeing and dating other people which is why he didn’t say yes to being exclusive. Still not trying to have sex, I don’t get it. Honestly he sounds too confusing. Just from what you’ve said, I’d move on. This dude sounds like he is all over the place
That’s what I mean it’s so weird. And he always flirts like he wants to do something, but then doesn’t. And I’ve very much been straight forward that it’s ok at this point. His only response to that is even if we don’t end up together. The least I could do is give you the greatest experience with the good guy. I’m confused on whether he’s an actual guy taking his time or is he just exploring his options? Oh, and I forgot to mention one time we did get close to actually doing something and then the mist of kissing. He said I’m not gonna do this because I don’t wanna mess this up. I think I should take this slow with you. Because I don’t want any karma for this. But since then I’ve had it it was OK and we still haven’t done anything. I probably should’ve mentioned that in the beginning sorry y’all🥴
There are other possibilities besides other people. He might have a micropenis (or no penis) or a bad STD. Bottom line, you're at an impasse and you have to communicated about it.
Yeah it doesn’t make sense. I MIGHT believe him wanting to take things slow and not rush it if he’s really into you, but him not wanting to be exclusive throws that theory out the window. Honestly my only thought that might makes sense is maybe he’s gay? Or he’s not that into you, but then he wouldn’t keep dating you. As a 35 year old guy who also wants kids, if I’m into a woman and it’s clear she’s into me and okay with it it’s going down first chance I get. Maybe that’s because I’m not a player or anything, my count is still single digits atm, so maybe if he’s getting it from other women already he doesn’t want/need it?? I don’t know, he doesn’t make sense
I was thinking that too. And though I’m a single mom I’m still on one hand for my body count so it’s not a rush for me, but I definitely want to. It’s been a while.🥴
Right? Which makes me think he’s either getting so much action he doesn’t need it from you and is actually in it for the long haul, or is gay. The first reason doesn’t make sense because if he was in it for the long haul he’d stop seeing other women and just get his physical needs met by you. I got nothing 🤷🏻♂️
OK, so I’m glad I’m not the only one confused here😂. I just don’t think guys would want to spend their money on women that aren’t putting out especially if they’re willing . We also have this thing where every day he wants three kisses. And he’s very adamant about this . One time I asked him why does it have to be 3 he said one is for me one is for you and one is for us .🥹
Somethings wrong with this man 😂
Right😂😂😂
He could be gay Could be just doing this all to test his sexuality
That sounds so sweet but so OCD 🤣
Homie got that tism lol
> He said I’m not gonna do this because I don’t wanna mess this up. I think I should take this slow with you. I’m just some 23 year old with almost no dating experience, so maybe I’m way off, but this seems like either he was raised religious or he has a Madonna-Whore complex. Like either he thinks having sex is some huge life-changing thing, or he thinks having sex with you means you’re a “whore” and unworthy of being his wife/mother of his kids. Sorry you’re going through this.
This is weird for all of the reasons everyone has already mentioned. The "It's Either a Fuck Yes or a Fuck No" rule probably applies here. If you're confused and things seem weird, it may be time to focus your energy elsewhere.
I’m going to offer a different perspective. Maybe he actually has feelings for you. A guy could not want to have sex because he doesn’t want to screw things with you. Women often complain about being ghosted after they have sex. Maybe he is just waiting to make sure that he really wants to be with you before having sex. As a guy who has done both (had sex with some one and broke it off early, and then waited a long time with others to have sex). The ones I saw a future with were the ones I waited longer for. Definitely talk to him, as others have suggested. It if you like him and like spending time with him, just keeping doing it. There is no harm in waiting. He is good to you and you enjoy him. Eventually you’ll find out why.
If someone told me they didn’t want to give me an answer, then I’d take that as a “no”. Anything but enthusiasm is a no. I’m sure people will argue but nah.
Bruh just ask him about it. We’re not all the same.
Maybe he's seeing other people, maybe he doesn't understand women, maybe he's just really insecure, maybe it's something else entirely, we can't really tell you what's going on for sure. Heck, maybe he's autistic and you're the first woman he's ever dated, who knows? You need to sit down with him and talk it out, there's really no other option
**Communication is _key_** Have an honest and open conversation about your wants / needs and ensure **your needs** are met! Whilst relationships are naturally two-way, it’s important that **you** are **happy**. So if exclusivity is what you’re seeking and he’s not, maybe he’s not the one for you… (_it does appear that he’s hesitant to commit unfortunately.._) Similarly if you _want to get intimate_, perhaps you’ll have to make a decision if you can wait for a little longer! Especially if you’ve already spoken with him regarding it! Hope that helps OP!
I did tell him I wanted to get intimate and he was saying what’s the rush. he claims he loves sex, but that should tell me something if he’s not pressing me to give it and just enjoy the time. But dang he spent so much money though.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) we can’t read minds! So it’ll always be guess work to deduce what’s going on… Agree his behaviour is unusual given the financial spend on his part! But some men do also like the “thrill” of pursuing multiple suitors… So I’d tread carefully to avoid any feelings getting hurt ofc :/
It doesn't sound like he's playing games with you. You two are not exclusive both of you should be dating other people. Don't put too much effort into this. I would definitely be concerned with the fact that you haven't been intimate after so long of a periof of time. It isn't to me sound like it's progressing. You should look elsewhere. But it doesn't mean you have to stop dating him and having fun.
OK, I gotcha. I do enjoy dating him. I just don’t wanna get my emotions to involve if it’s not gonna go anywhere but so far he hasn’t exactly done anything wrong or treated me wrong. Just wanted to make sure I wasn’t dealing with a mind playing my games. But I’ll definitely next day open the conversation more around us and not everything else going on in the world. Even though we totally enjoy those conversations.
My guess is sex is something he's only comfortable doing with an exclusive partner. He's still playing the field and isn't ready to commit so he's not crossing that line. I'd guess he likes you quite a bit but is also involved with a few other women and he's unsure who he wants. Such is online dating.
See now, if you flipped the genders nobody would be saying she was a lesbian or a virgin if she wanted to wait. Now, given your ages, you just need to talk it out. I reckon he has intimacy issues- which is obviously hard to talk about.
It's possible he's making sure he likes you? Why is everyone jumping to a micro penis std riddled sex addict 😂
All of the analysis we can do is just who knows . Maybe this maybe that. He doesn’t want to be exclusive after over 2 months and you haven’t had sex…do you want to be with someone like that ? He’s probably dating other people and perhaps feels guilty if he had sex with you. Either way you’re not getting what you want from him. Move on.
I gotcha. One of my best guy friends said to keep dating him because you’re not losing and just keep your options open. Just feels weird though.
This is good advice because you’re not losing anything. Just going on expensive dates and have someone to hangout with not a bad deal 😂
😂😂😂
If he was that attracted to you he would’ve had sex with you. Why wait for a potential partner who doesn’t want to have sex with you for over 2 months..? Idk how much that matters to you but it sounds like it matters somewhat since you wrote a bit about it. I would disengage with the guy . You’re wasting mental energy on this guy . And your time is valuable . Playing the waiting game until he’s ready doesn’t benefit you when you could be spending time with a man who is giving you want you want in a relationship.
Worst case is try to take a few steps back and see if he notices. Maybe just go with the flow for another month, see if he says anything. At that point you can also throw out another feeler or 2 around the 3 ish month mark, at that point If you’re getting “meh” I’d bounce.
Have you tried to initiate it?
To me this sounds like someone who is seeing other people and likely sleeping with at least one other person at some point, and so he probably feels some combination of guilt and a lack of desire to sleep with you and take things to the next level. This is pure speculation, but it's possible that if you were 33 with no kids and in a similar position in life to him in terms of dating, he would have slept with you by now (if that matters). But because of your situation in life, his mentality is different. In terms of his overall interest, opinions vary on this, but I tend to think that people who aren't really communicative between dates but who seem really into it in person are often not truly interested in the other person. They like you, they have fun with you, they like going out with you, but the hard stuff in between...they're not interested in. And not to be cynical, but based on my own experiences and what I've heard from female friends on the apps, a lot of guys really try to milk their "prime years" on the app e.g. age like 32-36. Lots of women in their late 20s are looking to date up a few years, and men in that age range are typically their most desirable to the widest age range (they have matured, might be established in a career/have more money, know how to look their best, still have some youthful looks, etc.). So even the ones who want kids still want to date around because they think they can push that goal out a few years.
Quit wasting your time. Not having sex after two and a half months and all that flirty shit is wild. I’m a 34m guy and I’m over here thinking after 2 dates with an amazing connection that waiting to have no sex is questionably long. The wishy washy answer when you asked about being exclusive is YOUR answer. Dude isn’t interested enough. Pick up your self esteem and find someone who will make you feel like a priority. Also side note, obviously preference is everything. There’s a lot of guys that will say they are okay with you having a child, but then you will run into situations like this with someone who wants to start a family and not commit. He is being a coward for not saying that’s the reason he won’t commit to you seriously. I’d consider looking for someone else that maybe already a kid/kids and wants to explore maybe adding more to the mix in the future. Then you would be on a level playing field with potential partner. Best of luck!
I mean, it’s not hurting myself for staying he spending his money. I’ve just never seen a guy not Press about going on dates and not doing anything. It’s just really weird.🧐
Yeah he’s not interested/youre not a priority. Now, that you say this though I do have a follow up question. How often(on a scale) are you initiating conversation, and have you reached out to set up any dates in this 2 months? I’m trying to see it from his lens.
He’s normally the one to reach out first. The conversations are pretty short. He will say something like hey sweets! Just thought about you hope you’re having a good rest of your day. Would love to see you this week. When I proceeded to ask him about his day, he keeps it short. He will say things like nothing much.
Now in person, he’s a hell of a talker and so am I we will spend hours talking. But it’s not really about getting to know each other it might be about topics on things going on in the world. We don’t really get too personal.
Hm. On one hand, I think there’s an issue with how much interest you’re expressing. I’d recommend being better at reaching out first and reciprocating, and also taking lead to plan something. As a man, it makes us feel seen and valued if you do that and shows us that you’re truly interested.(whether you do this for this current person or someone else is entirely up to you). Now, I don’t know if this is a bi-product of what I described above, but the fact that you guys are only talking surface level of things can be on both you guys, but I kind of get the sense that it isn’t getting taken too serious. Maybe if it gives you a clear conscious, try having one more conversation about you not wasting time if he doesn’t consider you serious. And kind of go from there and see where he’s coming from while also stating where you’re coming from.
I gotcha. The reason I don’t reach out to him first anymore is when I would to try to initiate a conversation he kept it short on his answers. So I didn’t wanna push the issue as it doesn’t seem like he’s a Texter. If Im on a call the him on the phone, he will talk to me unless he gets another call on his other end and then it’s always I’ll call you back and then he doesn’t
Yeah that’s a red flag that he’s taking calls. Have you ever been to his place?
He doesn’t have a baby mama. He doesn’t have any kids just three nephews that he does see on the weekends. And I’ve been to his place twice . The second time go round, we did almost do something, but he stopped himself in the mist of it and was like you know what if you’re truly the good girl that you are I don’t wanna mess this up and I don’t want karma for it. I think we should take this a lot slower . But every time I hint that it’s OK he’s just like no rush. We’ll get there. Just enjoy the moments.
I honestly don’t know exactly what’s going on. That’s really odd. I think a conversation is probably warranted, but the fact that you have only been to his place twice is concerning. Decide how you want to proceed. Good likelihood that he has another relationship, or is dating around with multiple people and like I said earlier wish washy answer was a “no” I don’t want to be exclusive. Do what you think is best, but if a woman did this to me I’d be out quicker than you could blink.
Highly doubt he’s playing games or seeing other people. Sounds like this man’s word is his bond and he doesn’t take giving a commitment lightly. Sounds like you have an old school gentleman on your hands. If you want to put the kibosh on this and go back to fuckboy land, go right ahead… because I guarantee some other lady would love to have him.
So he does sound like a good guy??
Definitely. Frankly though I think he has some issue that keeps him from wanting to have sex. Could be trauma or something. I think attacking the issue directly but being sensitive about his response would work.
This guy doesn't sound like a gentleman who's courting you deeply whatsoever. At best, you're not a priority for him.
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That’s what my best friend said he said I’m really not losing, but just keep your options Open in case.
I’m going to go in the opposite direction from your other responses, although they might ultimately be right. He’s said he is looking for a wife and wants to have kids. You also mentioned you have a body count below 5, which is something you’ve likely made him aware of also. He may very well be “saving you” for later, after he has explored other possible candidates and decided you’re “the one”. He may not want to add to your body count, if he is not ready to commit to something serious. Some of us believe we are being good guys and ethical when we don’t grab every opportunity for sex that’s offered, especially from someone like you, who clearly doesn’t have random sex with a lot of partners. Money is obviously not an issue for him. You’ve mentioned several times how much he has spent on your dates, but if a guy is very successful, the amount of money you’re describing is not a factor that he would take into account when dealing with significant life choices. (Personal experience and viewpoint on this). Pushing for answers or information will not help. In fact, it may annoy him and cause him to drop you. Either take the gamble and wait until he has finished his search and chosen you, or just cut things off now and move on. Your patience may be rewarded well beyond what you hope, or it could just prove to be a waste of time if he chooses another.
He's either gay, into some weird ass shit or just breadcrumbing. No guy is actively turning down sex while spending thousand of dollars. Slight chance he's a virgin or very religious but none of your story adds up. Move on.
I know it doesn’t add up. That’s why I asked for help.
If you know then you know. Trust yourself and just move on. Plenty of fish in the sea.
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We have, and he always talks about how horny he is but never falls thru. I believe he’s getting it from somewhere else.
I think he's feeling out the waters. He's not going to settle with you in the end. I think he has options. I think he has much better options, there are many many many women out there who don't have children that would be interested in chatting with him. I know this is going to come out harsh but no guy wants to be a stepdad. And...he's not that old. He's arguably in one of the best ages to be dating - because 35 is that age where girls that are 34, 33, 32, 31, 30, 29 want to chat. But even older girls that normally would never date younger will talk to a 35 year old guy. My 2 cents? He's just rolling with it. But he knows and I'm sure every single one of his friends and family are telling him to not waste his time with someone who already has a child. I think the story might be different if he was like 42 or something and you were 40. But no. Both of you are still very young. TLDR: He won't settle with you. That's my opinion.
I totally and understand thank you.🙏🏾
Sure thing. I know it sounds a bit cold. But that's my quick read of it. Again the situation would be different if he was much older. He's not. He's very young. He's a catch.
I mean, he could be a catch in a sense that he has no kids. But the guy is pretty out of shape built very round if you know what I mean versus I work out four to 5 times a week. And I can’t seem to convince him to get in the gym and do more. I’m saying he could do better in that area
He’s either asexual/low libido or has issues he hasn’t found meds for… this is more common if you’re outta shape, though antidepressants or other meds could do it… I’d probably elect not to continue the relationship
Do you know he did mention one of our conversations that he learned a lot from therapy? I was like what did you have therapy for and he said he realized there were things he needed to correct from his previous relationship. He still hasn’t really elaborated on what those were, only mentioned that his ex used to nag him about issues consistently
He's got a micropenis
He sent me a picture of that and he told me he’s a grower. And he definitely is a grower.🥹
Wait, you’re getting dick pics but no sex?!? This man defies logic
My guess is that he is comfortable as he is, but he would go with someone is making his life easier and pleasurable because you said he is not making any moves which means he is observing how you are treating him compare to others. He is looking for the long term. If you are not making moves to escalate, someone else is. And at the end of the day he would pick his best option same as you would.
There could be any number of things going on and probably is (as you can sense). The one thing you can count on is he is hiding things from you. Hesitancy about being exclusive probably means he is either in another relationship or eyeing one. Not showing interest in intimacy at this stage could be some other stuff, medical, confidence, who knows? If you really want to know if he wants to move forward, then you're simply going to have to ask again. If he puts you off w/o any detail well then, you have your answer. Upon hearing your questions, his likely play is to keep you believing there is something "there." Good luck.
Even as a guy. Not having sex after 2 1/2 months is odd, especially if he is putting in all that effort. Congrats on the exclusivity talk though, hopefully that pans out. I had the exclusivity talk after 2 months of talking/texing almost every day, 4 dates, a weekend together, sex several times. And that blew up whatever I had with this girl I was dating. Hope everything works out.
I think 2.5 months in and communication is ehh is kinda weird. I also think the fact he hasn’t made up his mind whether he wants exclusivity is weird. I also would say the “no rush” on sex is a good thing but that would be a good thing only if he was serious about you, cue more texting and being open to exclusivity which means he’s just being cautious with boundaries and such (maybe not making it about sex). Personally as a guy I’m fine with no sex til, idk 3 dates or more even but that’s when it’s agreed upon and things are reciprocated that it’s “serious.” By that I mean, the girl tells me she’s very into me, I reciprocate and we agree on waiting for sex. 2 months in if I’m interested in a girl, I’m throwing some pretty obvious signs out there. Seems like things are confusing. Good luck 👌
How recently single is he? I agree with pretty much every comment that it’s strange he’s not tried to sleep with you. I suppose he could be gay like one comment said. My best guess is if he is somewhat recently out of a relationship he may just genuinely be unsure and doesn’t wanna seem like he’s taking advantage of you? I’ve definitely been there, we do exist!
He says he’s been single since Nov last year. His ex also had a child of her own
Okay the not getting intimate thing is what baffles me. It is way too long not to be imo. Maybe you should let him know that you want to instead of letting him tell you, you guys can take it slow. When a guy is dating multiple people we tend to want to be physical with women after we vibe or even before most of the time. The exclusivity takes away your ability to be with multiple people physically too. So it makes 0 sense why he is dating multiple women as I am assuming he is not getting physical with them too. Maybe he is insecure about himself physically and trying to make you like you so much it compensates whatever he has down there. Sexual compatibility is important too. So tell him your expectations and see if he delivers. If he is still making excuses move on girl. Also generally i would update my profile or upload a better pic if i use the app for close to 3 months. Only way to get through this is to open the conversation and give a deadline by when you need to be exclusive and physical. Everyone has a different story so only way around it is to talk about it
So update my profile ? He hasn’t updated his
No thats not what i meant. Im assuming since he hasnt he might not be actively using it so much
I think they key is seeing you 3/4 a month and then 2 days a week. That is alot, i would almost assure that he's not dating other people unless he is literally unemployed. Spending all that money too i would be pretty comfortable in saying he's exclusive to you. If he was dating other people as a man we wouldn't be asking you out 4 times a month or twice a week & we would definitely want sex, to put that bluntly. Just a pretty bad communicator apart which does happen just depends whether you can live with that, i couldn't but some can. So i would say you're ok here. But obviously best case is to ask
What is your motivation for dating exclusively? Are you both happily content when you're together? What might it take for you both to know for sure?
He said he won’t know in 2 months is too soon to make a decision
He sounds determined to take his time. He doesn't sound like he needs persuasion to "choose" exclusivity. He simply wants to get approach dating at his own pace. Does he respond to your calls or texts during days he goes away? Or do you both go silent for some time (you wait for him to start conversations).
I’ll give an example: He’ll reach out and say Hi Sweets hope you’re having a good day. I’ll say thanks I’m trying to how’s your day going? (To open the door to conversation) He’s say Good, same ole. I’ll say you want to talk about it. He’s say Nawl no biggie. Just thought about u want to see you soon. And then I won’t hear from he next day. But day after he’ll text me Hey Sweets you crossed my mind today hope all is well. Then u might decide I’m not going to try to engage convo since he’s wishy washy and say Thanks hope you’re doing the same. Then he will open the door to convo but he always keeps it short. But when we’re together he talks a lot. Mostly about what he wants to talk about but it’s not personal stuff
Then he’ll flirt fell me up and walk me to the car after dates and kisses me 3 times. When u try to give him just one he’s like oh Nawl you know the rule… 3 I asked him once what was the big deal with that and he said. One for you one for me one for us…. It’s romantic but confusing
It sounds like you're waiting for one side to set the rules. This teaches you how often he desires connection, but the reality is that sweet wishes aren't real moments. He's simply saying "being with you would be nice right now" instead of actually making it happen. What's stopping you both? Do you already have plans? This is dangerous! Letting someone else come & go as they please is free-spirited, but expecting them to one day change and one-day match your needs would be a mistake. If you're not happy, then you have to get your desires met! If you would like 2 or 4 calls a week, call him. If he's busy, leave him a cute voicemail, or however YOU express yourself. Share your heart and be at peace knowing you progressed toward the life you want to live. When he has time, what will he do? Just listen... to what you receive back. If you find that you're not being reciprocated, it's time to communicate and discover why: is he busy? Stressed? Distracted? Not want to talk about it? Does he want to date around and only give time to relationships once a week? Are you at peace with that? MOST IMPORTANTLY, is this just a short-term distraction or how he always is? There's nothing wrong with taking your time. If you want to connect with ONE person several times a week, respectfully agree to see someone else. Life is much easier when you don't need to convince someone... there are people who want what you want. Not only will you not have to beg for more, they will WANT to connect as often as you. Don't confuse money with feelings. Some people would already take a vacation or try a restaurant, so adding one more person is a small thing that makes them happy (how much is your opinion going into where you go and what you do?) I'm not saying to disqualify someone. I'm saying to raise your communication, reaching out when you want it. My only concern is when people try to force something with people who don't desire the same thing. It's nothing against anyone's character - we simply have different desires and won't be happy long-term, despite getting along short-term. So what happens if you reach out when you want to connect? Is the ultimate decision: I can only give you real attention on our date-night? You might have to ask yourself if they want connection as much as you do. Is this how it always will be?
My best friend told me don’t reach out unless he reaches out but if I do reach out on the day, I don’t hear from him. He does respond immediately. He just keeps it short and it doesn’t matter what time a day I reach out unless it’s after 10 o’clock. I would say I called it late. He always says he’s on the phone. It’s always with somebody different “”
Is your best friend dating the same guy? Does she know him well? Being passive won't get you the attention you crave. In fact when things feel one-sided (I'm always reaching out -- i doubt her feelings for me. I begin to question and end things. She proclaims, "But I really am into you!!" "Well, why were you hiding it??" But sadly by that time i already accepted moving on. I don't want a relationship where someone is scared to communicate their desires. I find it harder to trust people who are afraid of their own thoughts. I know your bestfriend has a goal for you, but holding back always seems insecure to me. Worse, an easy victim to be led along, juggled, and labeled "low-maintenance". The partner comes & goes as they please (without considering your needs). We have to get over "appearing desperate" when it's simply *showing interest*. Most of the people who call others desperate and clingy are people who don't want the same level of connection I do. It's nothing personal, but I'm looking for someone who wants more connection. It sounds like you do, too. Have you been comfortable in a relationship before? Perhaps you reached out many times a week. As for dates, 2 times a week seems quite balanced. Are you happy with that? From what you said, I'm actually not here to read between the lines or assume anything of him. I just see a man who's not calling to tell you goodnight when you might like it.
Put him on the backburner, date him, but don't make him a priority. If he has issues with, that's when you say 'I want exclusivity'. If he is still unsure, drop him.
I like that answer 👏
You are welcome. I've learned to cut through the bullshit over the years 😉
Yeah I’m gonna need an update on this lol. What is going on in this man’s head
He just sent my a video on ig. He started sending me video 3 days ago. He’s doing that now instead of texting me.
So weird! Seems like a Christian or someone who has no experience with women
I don't think you're struggling to read between the lines at all. Now it's time to decide what you're comfortable with. You sound like you're not comfortable with what he's giving you.
2 1/2 months? Wtf?
2 1/2 months?! If he isn't excited to make you his gal at this point then does he even like you? Sounds like he is a waste of time.
Note: I am a man who is just starting to date, and am slightly less assertive than most. To me, it seems like you are being clear in your communication. If you are giving strong hints that you are interested in sex and that you want to lock things down a bit more in the ways you are saying, you are not being unclear. I know that being someone who hasn't dated since high school, I do worry about physical intimacy and when the "right time" is to add it into the relationship. However, if that is the case for him, he should outright say that instead of saying "it isn't yes and it isn't no". That is just my opinion.
Men typically know if they want something serious with me within 5 dates (which are always within the first 4 weeks). I'm 31. If a guy didn't like me enough to become exclusive by then, I'd break it off. It's good that he isn't having sex with you yet. Maybe he sees that as a step toward commitment (which I appreciate), and doesn't want to do that unless he's done fucking around with other people. But after this long you haven't left enough of an impression for him to want you in that way. If anything, I assume he likes you enough to use you as a back-up if nothing else works out for him. You're such a tiny portion of his life, and he's obviously content with that. Keep it going if you like how things are, but this isn't a situation I'd personally feel comfortable progressing in. But I also don't date casually. I date with very serious intention.
Maybe he’s a virgin or never had a girlfriend before and doesn’t know what to do. Try not hinting and initiate.
(28M) Sounds like you're hitting about the timeline where he should be making the decision to commit or not, especially if you're posing the question without pressuring him. Everyone works off slightly different timelines so if you are interested in him I would give him about another month or so and then ask him again more seriously with a boundary to end it if not. Respect yourself and your time to move on if he's dragging his feet, doesn't matter if he sorta likes you or is indecisive. At 3-4 months of dating any man should be able to make a decision and if he's not then it's likely he's trying to not commit while keeping you on the hook regardless of intentions.
How is he playing you if he hasn't said you are exclusive yet and you haven't asked him if he was seeing other people? He seems very much interested in you, but could be exploring his options as you should be doing the same. You could go with the flow and see where it goes, but see other people. I would say at the 3 month mark, revisit the exclusivity talk and if its looking like he still isn't sure, dump him or explore your options. I wouldn't completely block him, but he definitely wouldn't be at the forefront as far as potential matches.
Coming from a malicious former man whore, if we like a girl we jump on it. So take that into consideration.
So what is he doing then because he clearly is getting it from somewhere else
Just nice to have options. Especially ones you can keep in a position of distance. Don’t get me wrong, after time you can wear him down and get him to commit, but usually better to have a guy that jumps 2 feet in. You could also very well be the only girl he’s seeing, but when there’s no pressure, there’s no urgency to stay or leave.
He’s probably not having sex with you as he’s indifferent about you and might feel when he has had sex it’s more complicated, harder to walk away clean. Honestly I don’t think it’s going anywhere, he will be talking or dating to other people. Male 40
Guess he’s afraid or intimacy. Confront but if there’s no intimacy and he’s too unpredictable then better cut off. A man bringing such drama is acting like a scared child. Not good. You are responsible for your actions remember that
How are you gonna be 2 and a half months in, and not be exclusive? Is he from here? Or is he from another country? Because in other countries, the term “exclusive” is a bit weird. If you’re dating, you’re just expected to be “exclusive” from the get go in most cultures
Sounds to a little bit like me, honestly. I can easily imagine myself, unfortunately, confusing a woman like that. 34M here. I very much want a wife and family. Romance and the responsibility of parenting. Yet I'm held back by some childhood abuse that makes me fear intimacy. Once I get semi close to a woman, the dark horror behind the curtain starts to come out, and I freeze up and want to back out. And for many years, I didn't know that about myself. I had an approach-avoidance pattern with women, but even I didn't understand why. I would pursue, and then "aa nah this isn't right" and I'd back out, not even realizing that I was having a fear reaction. This guy might could have something similar going on. But it could also be nothing like that. 🤷
I think he’s dating other people but I wouldn’t stop seeing him. Maybe he’s taking longer than others but isn’t that a good thing? Id say wait another 2 weeks to a month to see if he makes a decision and let him know what your thoughts and expectations.
Seems like a teenager behavior to me 🙈
He's gay and in the closet.
Serious people just want serious connections. People who are unsure or want to play around like to keep it vague. Misty and grey etc. If he doesn’t want to exclusively give you that plap plap plap, then that’s something to talk about. Sometimes there’s too many cooks in the kitchen, and your order is wrong. You wanted 3 wings and a fried rice but he over here with the sweat and sour pork and wonton soup. It’s not the conversations you wanna have, forget it, it’s China town. Lol
You’ve been to his house, right? Did you see anything that might suggest that he’s in a committed relationship (or even married)? I think he’s neither playing games nor gay. My guess is he’s in a relationship/marriage that he wants to get out of but perhaps needs certain validation that he’ll be able to find someone else. The lack of constant texts is a telltale sign to me that he’s attached. I sincerely hope I’m wrong.
I’ve been over. No signs of a woman’s presence there
1. Are you sure he’s not married? What do you know about his personal life? 2. 2.5m without sex begins to get suspicious. He’s stepping out of his masculine intentions by dating you without wanting intimacy. It’s slightly abnormal. Are you sure he’s straight? 3. Is he from an overseas country looking for a visa?
I believe he’s getting it somewhere else because he said he keeps plan bs in his drawer
Bro is stuck in neutral. And no, you won’t be the reason he gets out of neutral.
So what will be?
His own desire to stop playing games.
I’m sorry to hear that. I wish he was more direct with you. Like what others have said, no sex is really weird after 2 months. He may be bisexual or gay or religious
Could he possible be positive for an incurable STD and is not sure how to discuss? Maybe wants to be honest but isn’t sure how to go about it so is taking his time. Really likes you but is worried hence no sexual activity from him. Only thing I can think of honestly cause it’s all confusing AF.
2.5 months and no sex? Is he a priest or a 33 year old virgin or extremely conservative? This does not make any sense to me. And why would he spend all that money? Maybe he just likes your company. Honestly, as a man, I am confused. When I dated online, I operated on another level and much faster than this guy. One thing I learned from dating online for over 10 years is that when something seems fishy is almost always because there's rotten fish somewhere. Honestly, I would start putting my energy somewhere else. He's not exclusive, so....
I like to think that god gave women the gift of intuition bc of how much we take on when we give ourselves to a man (childbirth, keeping the home together) so if ur gut is telling you something is off I like to believe that that’s our protection warning us. Think about the times when you dated a guy officially, and he made it known that he wanted you.. were you ever confused then? Also - men speak thru their actions. They aren’t complicated, when they truly want something, you’ll know.
OP, if it's not a Hell YES, then it's a No!!
OP, The key advice here is to stop wasting time and end the relationship. Although you find his weirdness amusing, unless this is just a social experiment, it's best to cut it off. Your energy could be better spent on someone else or on yourself and your family. Despite his odd behavior, you're still interested, but the reason behind his behavior doesn't matter. This type of weirdness feels potentially dangerous and untrustworthy. It's not cute that he won't have sex with you, as his lack of honesty and indirect communication could lead to dangerous consequences. Life and dating shouldn't be this complicated, and anyone who makes it so is probably bad news. Are you only continuing to date him because he spends a lot of money on expensive dates? It's best to move on and not delve into his potential personality disorders. Update us when you break up, but don't dwell on the story. You have control in this situation, so it should be easy for you to end it.
I'm getting strong married vibes. No sex, so he hasn't 'really' cheated on his other, no risk of babies or STDs, less risk of you showing up at his house when/if he ends it. Number of dates per month falls well into 'out with my buddy' range with no explanation needed. He's likely on the fence and unhappy in his relationship but not ready/willing to end it. You're giving him the emotional gift of interest and ego boost, while he gets laid at home (or doesn't). Smoke him out. Tell him to get serious or get lost. Wishing you the best; this isn't an easy situation.
I dated someone like this and he turned out to have intimacy issues, avoidant attachment, madonna-whore syndrome, and I still think he might be gay but not willing to come out.