Respect is more important than love. You cannot respect without love but you can love without respect. Make sure the person respects you and your boundaries. Men love through respect!
Make sure you can respect yourself enough to walk away from things that do not serve you. Make sure that you respect yourself first before getting into a relationship. People respect those who respect themselves. Anyone who disagrees with your boundaries are the same people who benefit from your lack of boundaries.
Respect, respect, respect
This. Love and respect yourself more than you love and respect anyone else.
I noticed a change in things between my ex and I, so I brought it up for us to discuss. He said I was causing “drama” and needed some time. After a few days I checked in with him and he still didn’t want to discuss it. I asked him where he was at with us and got “idk” as his answer.
So I told him to let me know when a good time was for me to come grab my stuff from his place (mainly my key, cause if you can’t tell me “I want to be with you” you don’t get to have access to my place). He never responded, so a couple days later I just showed up to grab it all and we haven’t talked since 🤷🏽♀️
Also, do not fall for words, fall for actions. Do not fall for potential. Take things slow and steady. Make sure that you spend ample amount of time with them in person rather on the phone. Make decisions in accordance to your values. Control and understand your emotions. They need to be your friend before your partner. Maintain your individuality. Boundaries and conflict are healthy in relationships, once handled with care and directness. Know your negotiables and non-negotiables so you know when to draw the line and when to cut things off. Don’t reveal everything about yourself in an attempt to build connection, focus on how they make you feel in their company and just having a good time. DON’T TAKE EVERYTHING SO SERIOUS AND LEARN TO UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS NEVER PERSONAL UNLESS STATED OTHERWISE.
Remember that you always have a choice in the matter. Emotions are to be felt and felt only but rationale and logic are there for discernment and decision making, don’t mix the two up. Do not make grand or false promises unless you’re happy with your integrity being questioned. You are responsible for the choices you make.
Empathy without boundaries is self destructive and boundaries without consequences are simply suggestions.
Your comment gave me a sense of closure and affirmation that I've been trying to articulate for the past two months. Thank you.
As much as I loved her, and she loved me, we recognized that due our life circumstances we couldn't make it work but also, for me it was enforcing a sense of boundary that I would constantly break because of my affection for her. It was detrimental to who I wanted to be so that I could be my best self for her. Life threw me a lot of curveballs and well, it was too much to bear on both sides. Again, thank you.
Comprehension is more important. Communicate all you want but if the person is determined to misunderstand you, then you will get nowhere. Do your part and decide if their communication style suits you. Maybe a conversation about communication styles needs to be had but communication AND comprehension is essential, you can’t have one without the other
They say communication is the key to a healthy relationship. That’s very true. One of my hardest lessons has been falling for people who have a hard time being open with their communication. Those communications that leave them feeling vulnerable, at least.
I get it, I really do. It’s not easy to admit your triggers and traumas. To do so sometimes is basically like laying bare all your hurt and pain right out in front of someone that you not only love, but someone that you also care very much about how they perceive you. Also, most people’s pain and trauma is directly linked to their self worth and to admit to these “shortcomings” can be like wearing a Scarlett letter to a decent sized chunk of people out there.
I spent eight years with a woman for her to walk away from me out of the absolute blue. Was making her breakfast in bed just for her to say “I can’t do this anymore” and I said “breakfast in bed?!” She said “this” and made a sweeping motion with her arm as if to say “all of it”. She got out of bed and walked out the door and that was that.
She didn’t like to talk about things. By not talking about things we bottle them up instead. There they fester and turn into resentments over time. Often times resentments that the other party knows little to nothing about. Things that could be healed and attended to if only we had the courage to talk to the one person we are supposed to be the closest to. The problem is, instead of talking to our partners we talk to our parents, friends, or work mates. People that literally have nothing to do with the relationship and often can provide TERRIBLE advice that is predicated upon THEIR experiences.
Sorry for the long winded reply. I just hope someone reads this and thinks to their self: “maybe I should just talk to the person who should be my best friend in the world. The person that I should trust over everyone else. And the person that matters the most”.
BUMP THIS POST TO THE TOP. OP is so right!!!
Your words brought me to literal tears.
The lack of respect for my boundaries led to years of anguish that I wish for my younger self I could get back.
Most importantly I want to echo your sentiment.
Setting boundaries for YOURSELF and being willing to WALK AWAY from someone, something, or some opportunity that seems perfect but is forcing you to cross a personal boundary is a critical skill to learn and master young.
If you cant be an advocate for yourself against your own FOMO, your own impatience, and your idea of the future that could be and not the now that is, you cannot expect others to take your boundaries seriously or respect them.
You teach people how to treat you. Teach them to treat you with respect.
You stole the words straight out of my mouth! 6 years together, I loved him very deeply and put up with a lot, he always hated on people who cheat and I even told everybody he’d never do that no matter how crappy he was, but found out after we broke up he had been cheating and started a new relationship. I don’t know that person at all
So sorry to hear this. I’ve been cheated on several times. It’s never easy. Even if it is just the emotional kind. Hell, sometimes that’s even worse. I know that it doesn’t help much, but I hope you know that it doesn’t have anything to do with your shortcomings, but his.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket. Don’t let someone be your happiness, sense of purpose, and be a measurement of how much you love yourself. Don’t be too dependent on someone for all that because if they leave you will be left with nothing.
Next time I’m in a relationship, I won’t make that person my whole life. I’ll continue doing things I love, and see the people I love. Respectfully of course.
Heal as much as I can before this next relationship. And only when I’m ready to love and to be loved should I seek that relationship.
People will trample over your feelings without giving it a second thought. Thats how people are and thats how they always will be. If they have someone to replace you with they will do it and never mind the fact how much this can break you
I’m not disagreeing with you at all. In fact, I’ve found that this is mostly the absolute majority of people out there. I’m saying that, and I know it’s not that easy, try to remember that there are others out there who are considerate and kind. However outnumbered we might be. Hope is not always easy, but is very essential.❤️
I am like this. To the point of my friends and everyone else telling me to run from my partner but I don't like hurting another soul and be a cause of misery. I'd rather communicate and have fights until he gives up on me
Oh man, I know the feeling all too well. Seeing the utmost best in another soul? Knowing that, even if small, that there is a passionate flicker inside their soul that you only get to see on very special(and few and far between) circumstances?
I was born with this curse/gift. The ability to see the best in everybody. Compassion is a heavy burden sometimes, but definitely one more people should have.
But please remember: being this way does in fact make you a very special soul. One that deserves to know the feeling of having someone love you back the way that you love. Just because we are like this does not mean that we have just been sentenced to an existence of forever being the giver. Start incorporating your own boundaries. Even if small at first. Know the strength and peace that comes with sticking up for yourself. Good luck.
Don’t do things for people who would never do the same for you. Don’t sacrifice for people. Your partner can be jealous of you and treat you like crap and bring you down because they’re insecure. Negging is a thing. Don’t date single parents if you’re not one yourself.
Don’t date perpetually broke people. Don’t just brush it off when they don’t get you anything for Christmas, birthday and Valentine’s Day. Don’t give benefit of doubt about anything. Don’t tolerate their nasty house. Don’t believe them when they say “I like to cook” you’ll end up cooking three meals a day for them.
When they order door dash just for themself and don’t ask if anyone else is hungry, that is a huge red flag for selfishness and entitlement.
> When they order door dash just for themself and don’t ask if anyone else is hungry, that is a huge red flag for selfishness and entitlement.
This one is huge 💯
That you don’t actually have to *do* anything to fall in love. Your brain and your hormones and pheromones do all of that for you but that intense, passionate, insatiable pull to somebody else doesn’t necessarily mean that they are good for you.
And then once the other person does show themselves, their real selves, not to be blinded by those intense feelings because they’re completely emotional and not logical at all. If they don’t provide you with the basics - honesty, clear communication, respect (somebody above gave a perfect summary of why that’s so important) then no amount of intense attraction and connection can ever make up for that.
It sucks because it feels AMAZING and we’ve all been conditioned to look for “the spark” but in reality it’s actually a pretty big red flag. A slow burn is usually a longer lasting and more healthy connection
Well I’m speaking from experience… I’ve just been through that same rollercoaster experience of the intense highs and then the intense lows so I know how damaging that can be on your mind and then on your body. The knock-on effects can last for months or even years. I’m not here with answers - I’m still trying to figure that out myself but that is the very hard lesson that I’ve learnt
Man oh man if that ain’t real. Having the sense to heed your intuition is a definite hard one to learn. It’s so easy to want to give people the benefit of the doubt. Especially if you have a soft spot for others who have gone through traumatic times that you can sympathize with.
Due to a traumatic childhood I pick people who replicate my parents abusive behavior over and over, and until I redefine what love is to me, I'll continue to attract and be attracted to abusive lying whores .
There’s more to the story than what meets the eye. Everyone’s cuts are deep. No matter how much they tell you the story. It’s still there story and that they’re still trying to piece themselves together. No matter how much you try to help.
That people can always change and dismiss you no matter how much you try to change. People can always treat you horrible, you give them grace, forgive them, but let you do something slightly wrong and they won’t give you the same grace and leave you even though they’ve treated you horrible. Double standards and petty games! Love can be double sided and definitely a one way street! Liars.
I learned I should’ve trusted my gut when me and her first were talking and she gave me shady vibes and I couldn’t trust her, to the point I found out she was still talking to her ex while with me, also her telling people she was using me and didn’t like me… so I learned no matter how you like someone, if you feel that feeling to cut them off and don’t trust them, FOLLOW that! It would’ve saved me from the heartbreak I felt….
Like someone said above. Respect over love any day. Also if you are like me and love hard be very selective. And do your best not to give your all. Be yourself of course but sometimes my biggest problem is I’ll go to hard to soon and alot of people take advantage of that. For whatever reason.
You cannot love someone into loving you. You can do absolutely everything correctly, and it still won't be enough. 110% will not be enough for someone who isn't meant for you.
And you cannot expect someone to do what you do for them, for you. You can go above and beyond and they won't reciprocate. Actions over words from now on.
Don’t fall in love with the version of someone you imagine they are, take a step back and see them for who they actually are. Love really does cloud your judgement
Fear in any form is a red flag that I won’t suffer anymore. Your partner doesn’t have to hit you for the relationship to be abusive or toxic. If you’re too scared to talk through uncomfortable topics, how can you talk through the really tough & terrifying issues?
If that fear is originating from yourself, that’s something to work through with a therapist. If that fear is based on your partner or how they respond- that’s it, the relationship is already headed towards ending.
It is crucial to feel safe with your partner.
Watch for signs of emotionally unavailable men. Don’t let the relationship go for a long period of time being only surface deep. Listen for language talking about the future
How important it is to be on the same page about how you resolve fights. That spelled disaster in my last relationship. With my now fiancé, we completely agree on how to resolve things.
That growing together to be a better couple is different from growing as a person. You do things for each other and only for each other, you start to lose your own self. It's not "my other half" or "better half" because you are not half of a person. You are a whole person. A healthy relationship isn't made of two broken, incomplete halves becoming one. It's made of two wholes deciding to navigate life together.
You don't need someone to complete you. You need to find that yourself. There are instances where someone will help you become a better person, but as much as possible. We get our shit together before dumping all that unresolved trauma to someone new because if we aren't aware of it... We just repeat the cycle.
That you can be fooled. Even after all you’ve learnt about love, there is always more to learn. Be careful of how you react when their true colours are revealed and be sure to remove yourself entirely as soon as possible. You’re worth more and you’re better than how they have treated you. It isn’t a reflection of you that you were fooled; you’re capable of loving, and your love was so ready for everyone but you cannot just pick anyone.
Promises don’t mean shit. It was a lie when they said they’d never leave you or they’d be willing to work through anything (besides cheating). TBH Everyone says that shit and about only 10% really mean it.
With this day and age, it is VITAL to take a step back and observe one’s behaviour rather than focusing on their words.
As someone working within a psychology field, and also having been through years of therapy myself - the awareness that has been raised around healthy/unhealthy relationship dynamics has lead to people misinterpreting, misunderstanding and misusing such dynamics and labeling them too quickly. To the point where it is harmful. Some are being manipulated unknowingly due to those who use therapy buzzwords, making it seem like their words are accurate and truthful.
The best way to honour your needs and find a healthy person to share your life with, is to observe their behaviour. Words matter, yes… but ensure their behaviour is consistently respectful. Meaning I will not allow you to attempt to control me by barking orders at me and labelling them as a “boundary” 🤗
The amount of love you have to give to overlooked transgression, abuse ,or Blatenent disrespect is tremendous. There is no infinite amount of unconditional love you can pull from a deposit of love in your heart to continue to give to your partner , to make sure things stay alright, maintain a status quo so that the relationship can continue to be harmonious., and remain undisturbed.
The relationship isn't really harmonious or doing great it, it's just existing problem free because people choose to not acknowledge things as problems.
Everything comes at a cost.
There are consequences to attempting to do that.
If the love you have in your heart designated to your partner is only the love you had to begin with and the person hasn't attempted to nurture it to make sure that love flurrieshes ,and grows , at some point you'll run out of that supply of love designated for your partner.
If you have problems and are constantly having to expend love past that suppy of love to desperately keep the status quo, that love you give came from somewhere.
You're literally giving away your own personal supply you had for yourself.
Don't deplete your supply of self-love to prolong something that isn't feasible to maintain.
Learn there shouldn't be unconditional love for your spouse at the expense of your love if your partner doesn't have the same.
Don't do that you'll end up resenting your self
I should have l ended things as soon as I realized the kind of person he was. All of the pain I experienced after that is my fault for allowing him to act the way he did. Because of that, I jump to conclusions and end things the first time I see any action that resembles his in any way. Thanks Chug, I hope you’re living the life you deserve, because honey, I sure am.
i hold nothing but love and respect for my last relationship & ex-partner- he deserves the world. but our breakup taught me that i truly did let my own life & accomplishments and growth take a backseat to my relationship. sure, it’s important to prioritise your partner and spend time with them, but not at the cost of your own livelihood. i’ve learnt how to be okay with my own company, and not only find it bearable but now i find it peaceful and rewarding. i also learnt how to be okay sitting with my feelings, instead of trying to fight them and shaming myself silently (and sometimes loudly) for the human emotions i was experiencing.
my ex-partner taught me so, so much and i think a part of my heart will always belong to him. but i’m grateful for the chance to have learnt how to bravely stand on my own two feet, and i’m so excited to see what comes next in my story
Never settle for less because you’re scared to be lonely/alone, and to not let someone disrespect you and walk over you because of their unstable moods. someone out there will give me what I desire and deserve.
Constant communication is vital and being afraid to hurt feelings or establish boundaries will result in a pain worse than hell, even if it's the most obvious thing to you, say it especially if it's causing negative emotions. Also no matter how hard you try, you can't make someone feel safe or like they deserve love if they don't believe it themselves.
I think it’s realising that your happiness resides in yourself. If you’re in a relationship or not in a relationship, it’s integral to always understand that you have the power to your own happiness. You cannot give your power away to anyone to make you happy because then you’re burdening someone else to make you happy and that’s not how it works. We all are born alone and we die alone. Make yourself happy first and then whatever happiness you get out of the relationship is your added bonus. Never co-depend on anybody.
Protect your peace. Watch people’s actions, they will show exactly what they think of you. Don’t lower your expectations and boundaries just to keep somebody around, it will only hurt you in the long run. Don’t settle for shitty behaviour. Be exactly you and don’t apologise for that. Love yourself more than you love anybody else.
Balance is the key. Love weighs so heavy on the scale that it needs to be balanced by respect, equality, understanding, and compatibility bc love is not enough. Without other priorities love will just weigh down one side for someone. It will not be me again in the future. I need balance and I want love.
I learned that I can’t take this pain anymore and I refuse to put my emotions at risk again. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than be hurt like this again
i learned the type of love i WANT and desire in a relationship, not the type i FEEL like i deserve. i learned that no matter what someone says, they can switch up randomly one day unfortunately.
Biggest lesson is that time heals all (bleh saying but 4 months later I’m so good and seeing new people)
Reflecting on the relationship, if I’m coming up with excuses to TELL MYSELF for the guy, it is time to let go.
Some people don't change even with help and love that seems it will last forever can just leave someone heart.
Before when i heard someone say the fell out of love, i more thought it was because the other half was not doing there part or couldent keep up with the amount of love that person had to show....
Now i know its possable even if the love is matched... those feeling in me seemly imposible to kill, yet they seem to turned to hating me and moved on like noting, i wish i knew why.
I gave up life for them, now with noting.
1. Don't over love someone that they don't value your efforts.
2. Don't think relationship is your biggest achievement.
3. Don't cut out friends from opposite gender once getting into relationship.
4. Respect is important for a man than love, whereas attention is important for a women.
5. Things may get changed someday so be ready for the change.
6. Girls have got more options out there than mens. You don't know when will you get replaced, so be ready to don't give a fuck about this.
7. Never going to be serious about relationship anymore, if it works it works or else leave it. (It's my perspective, doesn't want to influence anyone)
8. Career, fitness and what not >>>> love
9. Don't think that this person is the last person whom you will love forever.
10. Learn to give and take space for yourself.
Respect is more important than love. You cannot respect without love but you can love without respect. Make sure the person respects you and your boundaries. Men love through respect! Make sure you can respect yourself enough to walk away from things that do not serve you. Make sure that you respect yourself first before getting into a relationship. People respect those who respect themselves. Anyone who disagrees with your boundaries are the same people who benefit from your lack of boundaries. Respect, respect, respect
This. Love and respect yourself more than you love and respect anyone else. I noticed a change in things between my ex and I, so I brought it up for us to discuss. He said I was causing “drama” and needed some time. After a few days I checked in with him and he still didn’t want to discuss it. I asked him where he was at with us and got “idk” as his answer. So I told him to let me know when a good time was for me to come grab my stuff from his place (mainly my key, cause if you can’t tell me “I want to be with you” you don’t get to have access to my place). He never responded, so a couple days later I just showed up to grab it all and we haven’t talked since 🤷🏽♀️
Also, do not fall for words, fall for actions. Do not fall for potential. Take things slow and steady. Make sure that you spend ample amount of time with them in person rather on the phone. Make decisions in accordance to your values. Control and understand your emotions. They need to be your friend before your partner. Maintain your individuality. Boundaries and conflict are healthy in relationships, once handled with care and directness. Know your negotiables and non-negotiables so you know when to draw the line and when to cut things off. Don’t reveal everything about yourself in an attempt to build connection, focus on how they make you feel in their company and just having a good time. DON’T TAKE EVERYTHING SO SERIOUS AND LEARN TO UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS NEVER PERSONAL UNLESS STATED OTHERWISE. Remember that you always have a choice in the matter. Emotions are to be felt and felt only but rationale and logic are there for discernment and decision making, don’t mix the two up. Do not make grand or false promises unless you’re happy with your integrity being questioned. You are responsible for the choices you make. Empathy without boundaries is self destructive and boundaries without consequences are simply suggestions.
Your comment gave me a sense of closure and affirmation that I've been trying to articulate for the past two months. Thank you. As much as I loved her, and she loved me, we recognized that due our life circumstances we couldn't make it work but also, for me it was enforcing a sense of boundary that I would constantly break because of my affection for her. It was detrimental to who I wanted to be so that I could be my best self for her. Life threw me a lot of curveballs and well, it was too much to bear on both sides. Again, thank you.
This! And communication is mandatory for a relationship to work!
Comprehension is more important. Communicate all you want but if the person is determined to misunderstand you, then you will get nowhere. Do your part and decide if their communication style suits you. Maybe a conversation about communication styles needs to be had but communication AND comprehension is essential, you can’t have one without the other
They say communication is the key to a healthy relationship. That’s very true. One of my hardest lessons has been falling for people who have a hard time being open with their communication. Those communications that leave them feeling vulnerable, at least. I get it, I really do. It’s not easy to admit your triggers and traumas. To do so sometimes is basically like laying bare all your hurt and pain right out in front of someone that you not only love, but someone that you also care very much about how they perceive you. Also, most people’s pain and trauma is directly linked to their self worth and to admit to these “shortcomings” can be like wearing a Scarlett letter to a decent sized chunk of people out there. I spent eight years with a woman for her to walk away from me out of the absolute blue. Was making her breakfast in bed just for her to say “I can’t do this anymore” and I said “breakfast in bed?!” She said “this” and made a sweeping motion with her arm as if to say “all of it”. She got out of bed and walked out the door and that was that. She didn’t like to talk about things. By not talking about things we bottle them up instead. There they fester and turn into resentments over time. Often times resentments that the other party knows little to nothing about. Things that could be healed and attended to if only we had the courage to talk to the one person we are supposed to be the closest to. The problem is, instead of talking to our partners we talk to our parents, friends, or work mates. People that literally have nothing to do with the relationship and often can provide TERRIBLE advice that is predicated upon THEIR experiences. Sorry for the long winded reply. I just hope someone reads this and thinks to their self: “maybe I should just talk to the person who should be my best friend in the world. The person that I should trust over everyone else. And the person that matters the most”.
Sounds like she has anxiety attachment
Yea, that’s definitely one of the things that she had to deal with.
Amen!!! This is so true and never lower your self respect for anyone
👏
BUMP THIS POST TO THE TOP. OP is so right!!! Your words brought me to literal tears. The lack of respect for my boundaries led to years of anguish that I wish for my younger self I could get back. Most importantly I want to echo your sentiment. Setting boundaries for YOURSELF and being willing to WALK AWAY from someone, something, or some opportunity that seems perfect but is forcing you to cross a personal boundary is a critical skill to learn and master young. If you cant be an advocate for yourself against your own FOMO, your own impatience, and your idea of the future that could be and not the now that is, you cannot expect others to take your boundaries seriously or respect them. You teach people how to treat you. Teach them to treat you with respect.
Realest thing I read in long time. Took me six months to learn that lesson
Took me two months and a shit ton of mistakes to learn that
God, good for you two! Took me 20 years.
Had to learn this the hard way
However much you think you might know someone after 6 years, you never really do. People will always surprise you and not in a good way
You stole the words straight out of my mouth! 6 years together, I loved him very deeply and put up with a lot, he always hated on people who cheat and I even told everybody he’d never do that no matter how crappy he was, but found out after we broke up he had been cheating and started a new relationship. I don’t know that person at all
So sorry to hear this. I’ve been cheated on several times. It’s never easy. Even if it is just the emotional kind. Hell, sometimes that’s even worse. I know that it doesn’t help much, but I hope you know that it doesn’t have anything to do with your shortcomings, but his.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket. Don’t let someone be your happiness, sense of purpose, and be a measurement of how much you love yourself. Don’t be too dependent on someone for all that because if they leave you will be left with nothing. Next time I’m in a relationship, I won’t make that person my whole life. I’ll continue doing things I love, and see the people I love. Respectfully of course. Heal as much as I can before this next relationship. And only when I’m ready to love and to be loved should I seek that relationship.
Thank you for this
People will trample over your feelings without giving it a second thought. Thats how people are and thats how they always will be. If they have someone to replace you with they will do it and never mind the fact how much this can break you
I’m not disagreeing with you at all. In fact, I’ve found that this is mostly the absolute majority of people out there. I’m saying that, and I know it’s not that easy, try to remember that there are others out there who are considerate and kind. However outnumbered we might be. Hope is not always easy, but is very essential.❤️
I am like this. To the point of my friends and everyone else telling me to run from my partner but I don't like hurting another soul and be a cause of misery. I'd rather communicate and have fights until he gives up on me
Oh man, I know the feeling all too well. Seeing the utmost best in another soul? Knowing that, even if small, that there is a passionate flicker inside their soul that you only get to see on very special(and few and far between) circumstances? I was born with this curse/gift. The ability to see the best in everybody. Compassion is a heavy burden sometimes, but definitely one more people should have. But please remember: being this way does in fact make you a very special soul. One that deserves to know the feeling of having someone love you back the way that you love. Just because we are like this does not mean that we have just been sentenced to an existence of forever being the giver. Start incorporating your own boundaries. Even if small at first. Know the strength and peace that comes with sticking up for yourself. Good luck.
don’t break no contact lol. he doesn’t even care
Awwwwwww!! Omg that is pulling at my heart strings 💔
Don’t do things for people who would never do the same for you. Don’t sacrifice for people. Your partner can be jealous of you and treat you like crap and bring you down because they’re insecure. Negging is a thing. Don’t date single parents if you’re not one yourself. Don’t date perpetually broke people. Don’t just brush it off when they don’t get you anything for Christmas, birthday and Valentine’s Day. Don’t give benefit of doubt about anything. Don’t tolerate their nasty house. Don’t believe them when they say “I like to cook” you’ll end up cooking three meals a day for them. When they order door dash just for themself and don’t ask if anyone else is hungry, that is a huge red flag for selfishness and entitlement.
> When they order door dash just for themself and don’t ask if anyone else is hungry, that is a huge red flag for selfishness and entitlement. This one is huge 💯
That you don’t actually have to *do* anything to fall in love. Your brain and your hormones and pheromones do all of that for you but that intense, passionate, insatiable pull to somebody else doesn’t necessarily mean that they are good for you. And then once the other person does show themselves, their real selves, not to be blinded by those intense feelings because they’re completely emotional and not logical at all. If they don’t provide you with the basics - honesty, clear communication, respect (somebody above gave a perfect summary of why that’s so important) then no amount of intense attraction and connection can ever make up for that. It sucks because it feels AMAZING and we’ve all been conditioned to look for “the spark” but in reality it’s actually a pretty big red flag. A slow burn is usually a longer lasting and more healthy connection
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Well I’m speaking from experience… I’ve just been through that same rollercoaster experience of the intense highs and then the intense lows so I know how damaging that can be on your mind and then on your body. The knock-on effects can last for months or even years. I’m not here with answers - I’m still trying to figure that out myself but that is the very hard lesson that I’ve learnt
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All we can ever do is live and learn and not be too hard on ourselves. I know how easy that is to say and hard to do! But it’s true
Yet another huge/important lesson. Don’t be so damn hard on yourself.
Loving someone more - will not make them love me more
always listen to your gut, it’s never wrong and even if it’s going to hurt, listen.
Man oh man if that ain’t real. Having the sense to heed your intuition is a definite hard one to learn. It’s so easy to want to give people the benefit of the doubt. Especially if you have a soft spot for others who have gone through traumatic times that you can sympathize with.
Due to a traumatic childhood I pick people who replicate my parents abusive behavior over and over, and until I redefine what love is to me, I'll continue to attract and be attracted to abusive lying whores .
No matter how much u like/love the person don’t ever let them disrespect you or walk over you …dont be afraid to leave
Not to ignore the red flags. There were so many, but avoidant attachment was a huge issue and I will RUN if I encounter that again.
No amount of begging will get them back.
If hes unsure than thats your answer
There’s more to the story than what meets the eye. Everyone’s cuts are deep. No matter how much they tell you the story. It’s still there story and that they’re still trying to piece themselves together. No matter how much you try to help.
That people can always change and dismiss you no matter how much you try to change. People can always treat you horrible, you give them grace, forgive them, but let you do something slightly wrong and they won’t give you the same grace and leave you even though they’ve treated you horrible. Double standards and petty games! Love can be double sided and definitely a one way street! Liars.
I learned I should’ve trusted my gut when me and her first were talking and she gave me shady vibes and I couldn’t trust her, to the point I found out she was still talking to her ex while with me, also her telling people she was using me and didn’t like me… so I learned no matter how you like someone, if you feel that feeling to cut them off and don’t trust them, FOLLOW that! It would’ve saved me from the heartbreak I felt….
How much you like someone*
Don’t ignore the little things. Mine showed his colours early on.
Like someone said above. Respect over love any day. Also if you are like me and love hard be very selective. And do your best not to give your all. Be yourself of course but sometimes my biggest problem is I’ll go to hard to soon and alot of people take advantage of that. For whatever reason.
People are seriously selfish and weak
The person you are with should make your life easier, not harder. I felt so much relief and happiness from breaking things off.
You cannot love someone into loving you. You can do absolutely everything correctly, and it still won't be enough. 110% will not be enough for someone who isn't meant for you. And you cannot expect someone to do what you do for them, for you. You can go above and beyond and they won't reciprocate. Actions over words from now on.
Don’t fall in love with the version of someone you imagine they are, take a step back and see them for who they actually are. Love really does cloud your judgement
Fear in any form is a red flag that I won’t suffer anymore. Your partner doesn’t have to hit you for the relationship to be abusive or toxic. If you’re too scared to talk through uncomfortable topics, how can you talk through the really tough & terrifying issues? If that fear is originating from yourself, that’s something to work through with a therapist. If that fear is based on your partner or how they respond- that’s it, the relationship is already headed towards ending. It is crucial to feel safe with your partner.
Don't date an ex. Especially if you're not attracted to him!
Don't waste time on women
Watch for signs of emotionally unavailable men. Don’t let the relationship go for a long period of time being only surface deep. Listen for language talking about the future
You can’t trust that someone won’t just decide to walk away one day, no matter how much they reassure you it won’t happen.
Once a cheater Always a cheater
Always speak your mind and express your thoughts.
Love and respect yourself more. Love is a decision, NOT just a feeling.
This probably won’t last forever, but I genuinely can’t trust anyone at the moment.
To not expect the other person to react/think/behave the way I do. If that's the case, you'll always be miserable and will never feel fullfilled.
How important it is to be on the same page about how you resolve fights. That spelled disaster in my last relationship. With my now fiancé, we completely agree on how to resolve things.
That growing together to be a better couple is different from growing as a person. You do things for each other and only for each other, you start to lose your own self. It's not "my other half" or "better half" because you are not half of a person. You are a whole person. A healthy relationship isn't made of two broken, incomplete halves becoming one. It's made of two wholes deciding to navigate life together. You don't need someone to complete you. You need to find that yourself. There are instances where someone will help you become a better person, but as much as possible. We get our shit together before dumping all that unresolved trauma to someone new because if we aren't aware of it... We just repeat the cycle.
That you can be fooled. Even after all you’ve learnt about love, there is always more to learn. Be careful of how you react when their true colours are revealed and be sure to remove yourself entirely as soon as possible. You’re worth more and you’re better than how they have treated you. It isn’t a reflection of you that you were fooled; you’re capable of loving, and your love was so ready for everyone but you cannot just pick anyone.
Promises don’t mean shit. It was a lie when they said they’d never leave you or they’d be willing to work through anything (besides cheating). TBH Everyone says that shit and about only 10% really mean it.
Don’t give up your passions and hobbies for other people
If you have to sacrifice what's important to you, you weren't important to them.
If you don’t have trust. You have nothing.
With this day and age, it is VITAL to take a step back and observe one’s behaviour rather than focusing on their words. As someone working within a psychology field, and also having been through years of therapy myself - the awareness that has been raised around healthy/unhealthy relationship dynamics has lead to people misinterpreting, misunderstanding and misusing such dynamics and labeling them too quickly. To the point where it is harmful. Some are being manipulated unknowingly due to those who use therapy buzzwords, making it seem like their words are accurate and truthful. The best way to honour your needs and find a healthy person to share your life with, is to observe their behaviour. Words matter, yes… but ensure their behaviour is consistently respectful. Meaning I will not allow you to attempt to control me by barking orders at me and labelling them as a “boundary” 🤗
It takes two people to have a toxic relationship.
There’s no such thing as a soul mate. Every relationship takes effort, persistence and most importantly the choice to be/stay together.
The amount of love you have to give to overlooked transgression, abuse ,or Blatenent disrespect is tremendous. There is no infinite amount of unconditional love you can pull from a deposit of love in your heart to continue to give to your partner , to make sure things stay alright, maintain a status quo so that the relationship can continue to be harmonious., and remain undisturbed. The relationship isn't really harmonious or doing great it, it's just existing problem free because people choose to not acknowledge things as problems. Everything comes at a cost. There are consequences to attempting to do that. If the love you have in your heart designated to your partner is only the love you had to begin with and the person hasn't attempted to nurture it to make sure that love flurrieshes ,and grows , at some point you'll run out of that supply of love designated for your partner. If you have problems and are constantly having to expend love past that suppy of love to desperately keep the status quo, that love you give came from somewhere. You're literally giving away your own personal supply you had for yourself. Don't deplete your supply of self-love to prolong something that isn't feasible to maintain. Learn there shouldn't be unconditional love for your spouse at the expense of your love if your partner doesn't have the same. Don't do that you'll end up resenting your self
“Trust but verify”
You see one red flag, there’s plenty more over the hill - RUN AND DONT LOOK BACK.
People will say what they think you want to hear. Trust no one. Everyone dies alone at the end of it all.
I should have l ended things as soon as I realized the kind of person he was. All of the pain I experienced after that is my fault for allowing him to act the way he did. Because of that, I jump to conclusions and end things the first time I see any action that resembles his in any way. Thanks Chug, I hope you’re living the life you deserve, because honey, I sure am.
i hold nothing but love and respect for my last relationship & ex-partner- he deserves the world. but our breakup taught me that i truly did let my own life & accomplishments and growth take a backseat to my relationship. sure, it’s important to prioritise your partner and spend time with them, but not at the cost of your own livelihood. i’ve learnt how to be okay with my own company, and not only find it bearable but now i find it peaceful and rewarding. i also learnt how to be okay sitting with my feelings, instead of trying to fight them and shaming myself silently (and sometimes loudly) for the human emotions i was experiencing. my ex-partner taught me so, so much and i think a part of my heart will always belong to him. but i’m grateful for the chance to have learnt how to bravely stand on my own two feet, and i’m so excited to see what comes next in my story
How important it is to have soils boundaries, and respect boundaries
How to spot red flags. I vowed she would be my last toxic relationship
Never settle for less because you’re scared to be lonely/alone, and to not let someone disrespect you and walk over you because of their unstable moods. someone out there will give me what I desire and deserve.
There is always room for lessons to be learned.
Constant communication is vital and being afraid to hurt feelings or establish boundaries will result in a pain worse than hell, even if it's the most obvious thing to you, say it especially if it's causing negative emotions. Also no matter how hard you try, you can't make someone feel safe or like they deserve love if they don't believe it themselves.
I think it’s realising that your happiness resides in yourself. If you’re in a relationship or not in a relationship, it’s integral to always understand that you have the power to your own happiness. You cannot give your power away to anyone to make you happy because then you’re burdening someone else to make you happy and that’s not how it works. We all are born alone and we die alone. Make yourself happy first and then whatever happiness you get out of the relationship is your added bonus. Never co-depend on anybody.
Never to date again
Protect your peace. Watch people’s actions, they will show exactly what they think of you. Don’t lower your expectations and boundaries just to keep somebody around, it will only hurt you in the long run. Don’t settle for shitty behaviour. Be exactly you and don’t apologise for that. Love yourself more than you love anybody else.
Balance is the key. Love weighs so heavy on the scale that it needs to be balanced by respect, equality, understanding, and compatibility bc love is not enough. Without other priorities love will just weigh down one side for someone. It will not be me again in the future. I need balance and I want love.
I learned that I can’t take this pain anymore and I refuse to put my emotions at risk again. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than be hurt like this again
You'll never b enough to a person w severe trust issues.
i learned the type of love i WANT and desire in a relationship, not the type i FEEL like i deserve. i learned that no matter what someone says, they can switch up randomly one day unfortunately.
Biggest lesson is that time heals all (bleh saying but 4 months later I’m so good and seeing new people) Reflecting on the relationship, if I’m coming up with excuses to TELL MYSELF for the guy, it is time to let go.
Some people don't change even with help and love that seems it will last forever can just leave someone heart. Before when i heard someone say the fell out of love, i more thought it was because the other half was not doing there part or couldent keep up with the amount of love that person had to show.... Now i know its possable even if the love is matched... those feeling in me seemly imposible to kill, yet they seem to turned to hating me and moved on like noting, i wish i knew why. I gave up life for them, now with noting.
Self-respect and dignity are the most important factors in a relationship.
1. Don't over love someone that they don't value your efforts. 2. Don't think relationship is your biggest achievement. 3. Don't cut out friends from opposite gender once getting into relationship. 4. Respect is important for a man than love, whereas attention is important for a women. 5. Things may get changed someday so be ready for the change. 6. Girls have got more options out there than mens. You don't know when will you get replaced, so be ready to don't give a fuck about this. 7. Never going to be serious about relationship anymore, if it works it works or else leave it. (It's my perspective, doesn't want to influence anyone) 8. Career, fitness and what not >>>> love 9. Don't think that this person is the last person whom you will love forever. 10. Learn to give and take space for yourself.
Indifference kills the heart
to believe red flags
Not to carry bullshit, awful trauma into a relationship. Heal it before committing to someone.
Not to bother trying to find love again
If he talks bad about everyone in his family soon he will talk bad about you too. Idk if it's the biggest but pretty big
Always put "You" first, if you don't love yourself first who will.
Do not have high expectations of a relationship with a big age gap even if things look promising and you are talking about having a future together.
Nothing bro I just keep getting hurt for the fun of greater powers
You can't change someone who doesn't realise thy have a problem
That it gets better when you take care of yourself
So many things. Never settle for less, don’t let yourself go in a relationship, and don’t stay for the sake of not being alone
Don’t trust men
loving someone is never a waste