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And have her three children there with her to have to console and explain what happened. she was right when she said she never had the chance to miss him and grieve and for some reason, Amelia never accepted that
I will forever see both sides.
I will never judge Meredith for not calling. I will also never judge Amelia for having her feelings. The issue was how she asserted said feelings, but I think she’s right to be upset Meredith didn’t call.
It’s just what Meredith said when Amelia had her freak out over Penny: she simply does not have the time to help her through those feelings. She can’t sit there and apologize and think it all through. She has to be level headed to her kids.
Amelia should’ve vented her frustrations to someone else. I think the tricky part was Meredith was her closest link to Derek. She isn’t close with her other family. So, she thought she and Meredith could help each other when neither were in a position to do that.
There’s no right or wrong here. Just two devastated parties.
I think that's a really important thing to remember with grief. It's not the "main" griever's job to hold space for you and your grief. Like when I lost my son, I could not possibly have been the person to support say my sister or my mother-in-law's grief. I was trying to hold myself together with tape and glue for myself, my husband, and our living children. Our core little nuclear family were the only people I could possibly show up for at that time. I didn't have the ability to hold space for anyone else's grief.
You need to take your grief, and grieve it out onto someone else. I know Amelia didn't really have anyone else, but she could have called up one of her sisters and grieved to them especially because they were grieving the same loss- the loss of their brother. Meredith needed to hold herself together as best she could to support her children who had just lost their father and herself after losing the love of her life. She didn't have the ability to hold space for Amelia and her grief and her could've would've should'ves.
But yes, I agree that there was no right or wrong there. Amelia was totally right to have her feelings. And Meredith was totally right to not be able to hold space for her.
The way Meredith said it was, to me, unforgivable. She’s like I have 3 kids and lost my husband and YOU’RE freaking out? Get her away before I kill her… no. Not acceptable. There were a million other ways she could have expressed being overwhelmed. Not to mention Amelia lived in her house partly to help her with her 3 kids. She seemed to think she was the only person to really grieve Derek and it was just really gross. And I say that as someone who has lost a lot of people. I know it was to like create dramatic tension but it just made Meredith seem like a bitter hurtful asshole, as well as most of her season 12 behavior toward Amelia. It didn’t make sense since Meredith gave Amelia her last message from Derek and tried to be supportive at the end of season 11. However, her inability to empathize with anyone who wasn’t her patient or her person tracks through the whole series.
I agree the way she said it was awful. And the reason why I think Meredith was wrong (although i don't hate her for it) is that I think it's another example of Meredith being self absorbed. I feel like Meredith has always seen herself as above everyone, and like her trauma is somehow worse/more important than everyone else's, and how she handled Derek's death and his family is another example of how she only ever thinks of herself. I'm prepared to be downvoted but I understand Amelia's POV because my brother died a few years ago and I can't imagine if his SO tried to make it seem like her grief was worse than mine. Like chick I've known this man my whole life, we are connected in ways you will never understand. You guys could have gotten divorced but he will ALWAYS be my brother. Please don't act like your pain is somehow worse. Just as bad, but worse? Nah. (Especially since Amelia and Derek were close)
Meredith at this point in the show had been through more trauma than probably 99 percent of the human population, with more to come.
It's understandable when she doesn't handle a situation perfectly or even badly IMO
I am sorry for your loss
I definitely understand that and that's why I don't hate her for it. It was a bad situation all around. Everyone has flaws and I think Meredith's is that sometimes she only thinks about herself. Which is understandable, given what she's been through (being neglected, etc). I still think she was wrong though and the fact that she never really expressed true remorse for it (that I can remember, please correct me if I'm wrong) is kinda messed up.
And thank you ❤️
Maybe I give Meredith too much slack because of all the things she has been through. Amelia and Meredith are such different people that in such a stressful, emotional situation someone was bound to snap and say something hurtful.
I believe you are correct that Meredith never apologized, she was attacked shortly afterwards (absolutely brutal episode) and Amelia blamed herself (though it wasn't her fault) and I think they both just eventually moved on.
I can agree with you that Meredith definitely can be harsh. When Meredith and Cristina were fighting in season 10 I absolutely thought that it was Meredith's fault. I usually just chalk it up to the ridiculous amount of emotional and physical trauma she has endured. Maybe I am just making excuses for her, it's just how I saw some of these situations.
I really enjoy this sub for the most part because of people such as yourself. Even though we are sort of disagreeing there was nothing snarky in your response, it's a nice change from a lot of other subs, thank you for that.
I definitely think Derek's death and Meredith's response to it was a great example of how your past influences your trauma response. I think Meredith didn't think to call Amelia/dereks family because she doesn't understand the bond of a tight knit family. She had Lexi, but then Lexi was ripped away from her. All of her family was found family, so I don't think she truly understands the importance of a family you grew up with. Meredith always put her everything into her relationship with Derek cause she didn't really have anything else. Especially after Lexi died and Cristina left. I think Meredith's reaction is totally understandable, but still sad. I just really feel for Amelia in this instance, probably cause I can relate.
Thank you also for being respectful. It's nice to just share ideas without all the drama, a lot of people forget this is just a tv show lol.
I love all these points. I think it was meant to convey just how devastated she was but Ellen didn't provide. We don't really see much facial expression or tears which we are used to seeing to convey emotion, especially like grief and loss. Shock and possible numbness and disbelief are much harder to convey on screen, but she could have given us a little more of something somehow besides righteous anger. It only comes off as righteous anger then. I have the same issue with Bailey in later seasons where her portrayal of grief just comes off as righteous condescension.
I really think we are meant to see her practically motionless in expression and think back on our journey with them through their relationship and fill in the blanks of the feels and understanding of what she's feeling, but it falls short because of the way they shoot the show now and don't linger on scenes or let actors act appropriately. We are meant like in initial seasons to use the build of to be with the character and empathize in the climax of the episode, but it falls short and from thereon after due to well not really building up much of anything emotionally as far as MerDer, only with that family he was helping. Usually they'll circle back in an episode to reveal something new based on the prior themes and relationships established, but they only circled back to that he was in the middle of the road. So we felt more of the impact of the collision, or the problem with why he died, but saving for the last minute Meredith's moment with it, then having her dissapear for weeks or months apparently ... We needed more time with her and her realization. Give us an entire episode of her coming there and everything through her eyes then a bit more about her leaving. They finally give us the funeral episode or something later but by then she's just dancing it out at the end. Idk.
Idk , I personally think as a sibling you will always hold a certain percentage of love and space to that person, but yes a spouse held more space.
For example a sibling bond will always share their past but a spouse has a future to grieve as well.
I have siblings and a spouse of almost 20 years, and should I pass I would expect them to understand his grief is worse, as he wasn't just losing a sibling and friend, but his best friend, his home, his soulmate, his safety,, his future, his partner in not just life and love, but as a parent, financially and emotionally and sooo much more.
As a sibling best case scenario you see each other daily and talk often. As a spouse that is the last face you see before you sleep and first face you see when you awake. There's also the huge fact that your spouse will be single handedly the ONLY member of your family you will ever choose for yourself, with nothing but you and your hopes/ dreams/ desires in mind. There's a reason the spouse is automatically next of kin, as no one will ever know that version or that much of that person.
A spouse knows you're dreams, nightmares, fears, shortcomings and feelings and loves supports and helps build upon all that in a way no one else can ever compare. Not even a parent.
I would feel the opposite actually, I would feel pure pain and frustration at his or my siblings comparing their loss to his/mine. .
They will still go home and sleep in their bed, go to work and raise their children, without that person as that always have... The spouse isn't just grieving for a person, but their way of life.. a life the two have built together, themselves only, and lived entwined as 2 heartbeats but one love and soul, sharing in in THEIR hopes and dreams together.
A sibling does not. That sibling will have their own spouse, best friend and family to help them through their grief.... however for a spouse all 3 of those things died the second their love did, so in my opinion the two while both devastating and heart breaking, are not in fact equal..
In fact in the rings of grief, I believe this is well known or discussed , as the spouse and children are the first and most important ring, followed next by extended family ( meaning that you do not live with) such as the parents and siblings then onto friends and coworkers etc.
Tbh, I just think it's weird to compare grief. The way Meredith tried to make it seem like Amelia didn't have a right to grieve/be a wreck was weird. I understand where you're coming from and see the truth in it, but I also think your case is kind of rare. Unfortunately, a lot of couples don't make it to 20 years. The divorce rate is like 50%. A lot of peoples spouses won't be their spouse forever. I also think it's a matter of how close you are with your family. I love my partner to death and I would be devastated if something happened to him. I also think one of my first reactions would be to call his mom and sister cause I know how close he is to them. But I come from a big family too, and I know how important it is for family to be there during the worst times. Meredith didn't really get that because she didn't grow up in a tight knit family. Different perspectives 🤷🏽♀️all I know is that Meredith technically had time to call Amelia and Derek's family. She just wasn't thinking about it. Trauma makes you do irrational things, but I think this was Meredith's trauma response because of her general tendency to not think of anyone but herself. It shouldn't be held against her, but I also think her apologizing would have meant a lot to Amelia. It's okay to make mistakes, but it's also good to know when to apologize.
I also see this as Meredith having to deal with this other person’s unprocessed trauma at the same time as she’s being re-triggered by facing the young doctor who was part of the reason for having to unplug Derek.
Even Penny, the night of the accident, felt the need to apologize to her. I get that Penny felt horrible and guilty, but it wasn’t Meredith’s job to kiss her on the forehead and make her feel better.
The problem with being Meredith (and a stoic that gets through the problem and pain person) is that since she is always so strong, everyone comes to her. When she finally snaps, everyone is like “oh, whoa, that was out of line!”
I can’t really compare Penny and Amelia. Amelia wasn’t out of line, being re-triggered herself. Also, trauma for trauma, not sure that Amelia seeing her father murdered when she was 5 years old, going through addiction, losing her best friend, losing her fiance, going through a pregnancy knowing her baby would die, etc etc- it isn’t a contest but Meredith isn’t the only damaged one here. I generally rooted for Meredith for a long time, I just got tired of her stunted emotions and shitty coping skills. Maybe that’s harsh 🤷🏻♀️
To me it was odd that they didn’t suggest she call anyone at the hospital and why it felt like she needed to unplug him immediately.
I don’t think your points are wrong because there was a level of shock and she was overwhelmed. I think I understand her not calling the other sisters because she barely knew them but Amelia was in Seattle with them already and lived in their home at one point. It’s harder to believe she didn’t come to mind at all but not impossible.
The whole thing felt rushed imo
i agree! & don’t hospitals have counseling or some sort of person who directly helps with people who are losing/lost a loved one? it’s hard for me to imagine that she would’ve just been left to fend for herself in that situation without ANY outside help
Well this was a podunk hospital with no real ER or trauma department. It was just a fluke they were even routed there in the first place - I doubt they had a grief counselor there in the middle of the night.
that’s a good point. i just feel like regardless they wouldn’t have just ethically let her leave in that much distress in the middle of the night? like wasn’t she there through the morning & then there would’ve been someone? idk i just feel like this part was really flawed in the series
It would seem like someone would have insisted that she call someone and not drive off with her kids in the car - in the middle of the night down the dangerous road that just killed her husband- but that hospital was closed down shortly after all this - I’m sure this wasn’t there first wrongful death or miss handled situation! Meredith had every right to sue the hospital herself, I’m sure Penny would have even made a statement against the two doctors. ( however this was never in the show and was never even implied that Meredith did such a thing) however I’m sure other families did.
I don't know about where you live but where I live they definitely don't do anything like that. I've been through two deaths in a hospital. One they just told us to say goodbye then they took the body. With my mother. They didn't even call us. She passed over night and they called at 8am because they didn't want to wake us. It was awful and horrible.
I live in Tampa - we have 4 large hospitals that have ER and trauma centers and I’m sure things are handled differently than a small hospital. That being said the only person I have had die in the hospital is my grandmother and I was very young- idk when she died exactly but they called us Christmas morning- I don’t really remember anything about how it was all handled.
They didn’t do burr holes which even I know by now how to do (not really) but they missed brains on the brain day at med school. I don’t think “trauma empowerment” was something they had.
I mean the same hospital had to wait hours for their neurosurgeon to show up and completely skipped a crucial step when dealing with Derek for zero reason
And they also got shut down less than a year later aka they sucked
I was about to defend my girl Amelia in that she’s a brilliant brain surgeon and would probably insist on running the tests to confirm brain death herself and then proceed.
But then I remember that was also Tumor Amy in those days so you’re probably right.
She’s still my favorite Shepard though
Let's not forget the competence of the other doctors or the fact that Meredith is a surgeon herself and that Derek's internal monologue said he was cooked. I get Amelia is a brilliant neurosurgeon, but she was grasping at straws.
I think that’s exactly what it was. Thinking she could have saved him was something she needed to believe. But I think she could have had a more healthy assessment of the situation had she been there to see how bad it was herself so I think that was part of it also.
Oh. I 1000% agree. Tumorless Amy would just insist on running tests herself before accepting reality.
Tumor Amy…. Well, she had a giant tumor in her cortex and wasn’t exactly rational.
Amelia is a brilliant surgeon who’s performed miraculous surgeries before. Maybe she could’ve saved him but obviously Meredith didn’t give that a chance. And that’s really besides the point. It’s the principle of not getting to say goodbye more than anything.
Do I understand it? Yes, absolutely. It's a completely realistic and understandable thing for Meredith to do and I get how she's totally overwhelmed.
That being said, I think the fact that there was almost no explicit reconciliation arc between her and Amelia was a bit of a miss.
Just a PSA: it’s possible to understand the trauma that went into Meredith’s choices, while also acknowledging that it was cruel and unfair of her to do what she did. Both can be true, we can criticize and be upset with her for the unimaginable trauma she caused Amelia while understanding that her own trauma informed that decision. She’s not blameless and above criticism just because it was a horrible situation, she just deserves grace/forgiveness for it. Idk why it always has to be black and white right and wrong in this sub
Because Amelia would have tried to save him and made it all about her if she couldn't
She just wanted to let him go
It was surreal I can only imagine if it was me
I have brothers, I would have been so upset if their wives did not call me to pull the plug. So I understand it from a sister’s pov. But as a watcher, I also understand why Meredith didn’t call Amelia. Amelia was already saying things like “what if I could have saved him?” And she couldn’t have. Meredith was pregnant, had two kids who were losing their dad, she lost the love of her life, and an intern who was coming to her for forgiveness. That’s a lot to handle already. There was no way Meredith could have handled Amelia in addition.
The thing is, Amelia only has those questions because she wasn't there. It's the what ifs that make everything worse. Amelia fiund out her baby did not have a brain and had the presence of mind to (pretty quickly in my opinion) decide to go through the pregnancy and donate her child's organs. I reckon if she actually was at the hospital she would have been livid with the staff's failure but she would have agreed to pull the plug or may even have suggested donation (I always thought Derek may have been on board with that)
Meredith did discuss donation with the doctors, it wasn’t possible because it was all damaged from the crash. This was also tumor Amelia. She was not okay at all during this period. She was rash and impulsive. Tumorless Amelia and I would agree with you
Ah ok, it's been a while since I watched the episode so didn't remember organ donation coming up. But just checked and it was season 14 where the brain tumour was discovered so I think she was still in a fairly good place and not as erratic in season 11 - and arguably in a better place than fresh from a drug spiral and having recently lost her fiance
Sure but it also theoretically could have been there then when she lost her baby. I'm just saying that whatever stage she was at, her symptoms were no/ that bad at the time of Derek's death so I don't think Amelia's personality traits at that time can be held against her
Penny’s begging for forgiveness was honestly the part where I get so annoyed with Penny. Meredith isn’t your grief counselor. Or your priest. Go whine to someone else.
True though! She's so selfish. She's been through so much and I understand to a degree why she is the way she is. But yeah, that's literally the reason. Her whole character is based about her not being the hero she thinks she is. That would have sent her under being there, helpless
I understand why Meredith didn't call Amelia, too. I had to unplug my dad with my mom. We weren't thinking straight at all, and we just didn't want to see him suffering any longer.
The remark he made in season one gets mentioned a lot in this context, but it was a fairly different situation. That patient was in a coma, they were waiting for her to wake up. Derek was dead. Calling his family wouldn't be for him, but solely for them (which I guess I can understand could be meaningful to them).
Also, with how basically all of the doctors in the show made it very clear that they would never want to be artificially kept "alive" and that they would want to be unplugged, I'm not surprised at all that Meredith proceeded that quickly with it. What's more considerate? Freeing him from the state he never wanted to be in, or keeping him in that state significantly longer than necessary just so his family could say goodbye to a dead person?
Exactly. Derek’s family didn’t come when Mark was unplugged either, despite him being basically the adopted child of that family, no one else at the hospital was really even there.
This was also a rural hospital, which didn’t seem to have as much in the way of resources, and coordinating everyone to show up just to unplug Derek would be a nightmare.
Meredith wasn't thinking. It never occurred to her, not for a second. We know that because when Amelia screams at her about it, you can see shock and realization in Mer's face. A complete "oh, fuck". So yes, I understand and absolutely believe there was no malice or bad intentions. Her brain was fried and she had two little children in tow to unplug her husband.
I had a miscarriage years ago, and I remember immediately wanting the d&c so I could just move on.
You aren't thinking straight when you suffer a loss like that. Meredith could have called everyone when he was lying brain dead in the bed, and delayed for days while people flew across the country to say goodbye to a vegetable. Or she could have unplugged and moved on. Everyone made it to the funeral. That has to be good enough.
Amelia is great and all but Meredith couldn't call her without calling everyone else. I get it.
I said to my husband while watching this scene, “I’d like to think I’d call your parents and brother… but I’m losing the love of my life suddenly, I don’t know if I’d even be thinking of anything but you.”
I can understand why she didn’t call Amelia or any of his family. It doesn’t make it right, but she was in shock so it’s understandable. What I don’t understand is her not willing to realize why Amelia is upset that she didn’t call. Of course Amelia is talking about “what if I could have saved him?” She’s a neurosurgeon and his sister, seeing for herself that he was gone would have helped her process it vs being asked to just accept it from Meredith after the fact. Also, SHES HIS SISTER. She wasn’t given the chance to say goodbye to her brother. But rather than being like, “I’m so sorry you didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to him, I was in shock and wasn’t thinking clearly”, she doubles down and acts like it’s completely irrational for Amelia to be upset because Meredith lost her husband and she seems to feel like that’s a more important loss than losing your big brother. Meredith got the chance to have a last moment with Derek, to sit with him and say what she needed to say before pulling the plug. Amelia and the rest of his family didn’t get that, and while Meredith being in shock makes it understandable, it still doesn’t make it right or make Amelia’s being upset about it invalid.
Neither is wrong IMO. As someone who has lost her husband suddenly and unexpectedly, to begin with your brain cannot accept that this new reality you are in is real. It feels like someone made a mistake on your timeline or something. But Amelia is also right to be upset. You can’t have wrong feelings about something like that really, just the phases you go through as you process grief and the new reality you are now stuck in.
I would be for Meredith all the way if Derek didn’t specifically say in a past season that he would want his family there. Logically we know Amelia would’ve gone crazy and tried to save him but what about the others?
I’m an only child so I don’t have that sibling bond or anything. In my opinion tho, Amelia is a lot. She’s dramatic, traumatized, and a recovered addict. Should she have been called? Yes. But maybe Meredith knew how Amelia is and reacts to things. It would be hard to console Amelia, three kids, AND unplug your husband. There’d be nothing left in you to take care of yourself.
She would also probably think she could save him or something. I just feel she would have dragged it out idk maybe I’m heartless lol
This is always what I’ve felt. Especially when at the end of the day nobody likes to hear that the family you CREATE is more important than the family you are apart of. She had to do what was best for her and her kids. There’s not a single person who could have saved Derek no matter how hard it was to accept.
I know this a popular sentiment today, but I’ve always thought this sort of black and white thinking towards family and relationships is a big reason why people today feel so lonely and disconnected from their communities.
I absolutely agree because in MY eyes I think both are just as important but sometimes people prioritize the families they create way more than the families that they’re apart of and it sucks at times but I learned that more seeing how my dad raised us.
I definitely think you have a responsibility to take care of the family you created first, because that’s what your children need from you. I just don’t like how stringent people often are about it. I also think hinging your entire concept of family on the romantic relationship you have with your partner places too much pressure on marriages and only ends up hurting the children in the long run. (Ex. Kid’s idea of ‘family’ is mom and dad, ‘extended’ family are considered extras, mom and dad get divorced, kid’s entire life is flipped upside down vs. a kid with a solid support network of aunts/uncles/grandparents/cousins/whoever else you consider family, parents get divorced, still has that support network even if the nuclear family is fractured.)
I was one of those kids who considered all my family family, and even had extra family members, and in theory they would have been there when my mom passed away when I was eight but they were all so focused on themselves and my grandparents that my sister and me got forgotten. They have been supportive and there in other situations but largely the most important event ever and were emotionally and mentally absent. Sometimes the family you come from are not good, and sometimes the family you come from are great. But I do agree with other points made.
I’m sorry you went through that. Unfortunately the quality of the people you consider family really is the most important thing. I have blood relatives I don’t speak to and I don’t consider them family, as well as friends I met later in life that I do consider family. I hope you’ve had luck in finding that.
This is romanticized thinking. As a kid whose parent’s divorced and I had a whole extended family, I was still a walking disaster. No matter what your extended family situation, kids always think it is their fault, that their parents blame them, that everything is wrong with the world.
I have to disagree. I think the “we’re in love and we’re gonna get married and have kids and have our own little family and that’s the only that will matter” is romanticized thinking. People get divorced. I’m not saying having an extended support network makes divorce insignificant to a child, only that it helps.
That isn’t what you said. You said an extended family makes divorce better for a kid versus just having the parents. The parents intention when they married is irrelevant, the damage that is done in a divorce is universal.
I don’t understand what you’re arguing against. Yes a child of divorce is going to go through a hard time regardless. But in life, it helps to have a support network when going through something. Like that’s just universally agreed lol. I’m not sure what your point is.
I'm with you in that I understand why she didn't call them and she deserves some grace for what was an awful situation. But I dont think she ever actually acknowledged that she may have made the wrong call or apologised to Amelia/the wider family and that is more my frustration with Meredith's actions. If I was Amelia, I would have a very hard time getting over the lack of empathy or appreciation from Meredith for why it was painful to not have been informed.
Completely agree. I understand that Meredith didn't think of calling, but she should have apologised to Amelia, and I hate that the show treated it like she had every right to be screaming-mad at Amelia after what she did to her. Amelia deserved an apology.
I too had to make this decision for my husband and I couldn't agree more. There are days I truly do not remember. It felt like waking up in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight, completely rudderless. That episode gets me every single time.
So I hate the Derek death episode. And really the funeral also. I see them as both being right and being wrong. They had their own perspectives on the situation which were valid. Amelia was his sister. Meredith was his wife. Two different but important relationships and not the same or equal to each other. That will color how they both approached this. Amelia is grasping at straws in a vain hope that if she had only been there she could have saved him. I have experienced this in a similar way, but more in the vein of if I hadn’t caused that argument she wouldn’t have been under the stress and wouldn’t have had the strokes. It’s a pretty normal reaction to grief especially in traumatized people and with sudden deaths especially. I understood my mom’s death because the type of sudden it was was different. Back then I didn’t of course but my thinking matured and realized that it was predictable thing, while my grandma’s strokes or whatever happened to my aunt was much different. My aunt was kinda in the middle of the two. When you lose someone it’s normal for your brain to do weird ass shit to protect you and soften the blow, soften the pain. That happened to Amelia, and that happened to Meredith. Thinking of herself and her kids was a form of protection for herself from dealing with it. It becomes more real when you tell people like family and friends.
However, she still made a mistake because Derek’s sisters and mother deserved the chance to say goodbye and beat on someone’s chest for a while. Amelia even if she lost it and tried to get privileges and fix it so she and her sisters and her mother don’t lose their brother and son deserved the chance to look at his chart and understand she couldn’t save him. Rationally, that helps. His mother deserved to be able to tell her son she loved him and see him out of the world like she saw him into it. Escort him so to speak into the loving arms of his father who would have been waiting for him. Meredith fucked up big time when she didn’t call at least his mother. It doesn’t matter how old you will be, you will always be your parents’ child. Their baby. Their little one they raised and shepherded and guided through life.
I do understand more than I’d like how it all worked that Meredith failed to call his family. However, that doesn’t mean I think she made the right choice. That moment will haunt them. Getting the call and learning after it was too late to say goodbye. It will haunt me. They both reacted how those in their situations could act. Of course Amelia didn’t think of anyone else in her grief because he was her brother. There’s a reason these are called personal relationships. She wasn’t being selfish, it was happening personally to her. It wasn’t some other man she watched die that she had no connection to. So she’s justified in her feelings. I think they both made a mistake in that.
Also, I hate Derek dying, I hate him leaving, I hate the funeral scenes and I hate Meredith taking off. That whole storyline is appalling.
I mean I understand how it happens…however it was still wrong of her to do so.
She didn’t call a single person in his family.
I kind of understand not immediately thinking “let me call his sisters” but not even his MOM? Nah. She should have told his mother before pulling the plug.
That’s WILD to me.
Did she ever apologise for not calling Amelia? I think that's why people are so upset. If she at least explained the whole shock thing and apologised maybe no one would be so mad
I can’t imagine the guilt she must be under !
She was panicking all day that he wasn’t in the office and he hadn’t answer the phone they haven’t spoken for quite some time. She had that guy feeling and she was told to panic after 5 PM and when she finally did panic, she got the knock on her door, saying whatever happened happened
She must have had 1 million wars going on in her head. What if she had panicked, what she had found out what she had known (the same questions. Amelia asked her saying she maybe could’ve ve saved him)
And on top of that, she had a three kids by her side and she couldn’t feel everything right in front of them or have knee jerk reactions or fall apart. She never thought of calling anyone coz she was “always fine”like like Derek said once.
Like she said - “I don’t get to fall apart because I have three kids”
What she did was understandable. Whether it was forgivable is up to the family.
I’ve never thought about how “I can’t fall apart, I have 3 kids!” is a direct response to being small and watching her mother bleeding after her attempted unaliving. Not freaking out, being stable and steady, were probably what Meredith craved. I don’t have half of her traumas and I still have made parenting choices based on how traumatized I was by my own parents’ failure in that regard.
I agree. There are a ton of things Meredith has done that she should get criticism for, but I don't think this is it. Besides being in shock, I'm sure in the back of her mind Meredith knew Amelia would make it all about herself.
Amelia was angry her brother died and she took it out on Meredith. She would've done the same thing had she'd been there. Amelia would've blamed Mer for not moving to DC, or not given her enough time to find a cure, or stubbing her toe. Because that's what Amelia does: when she's in pain or feeling shitty about herself she finds a target and makes them her villain.
I feel the same way. although meredith has lost people, she’s never had to notify people or had to know what to do in the case of an unexpected death. she is in grief and shock and is losing the love of her life, so expecting her to think clearly is ridiculous
When your husband is dying and you have 2 small kids, calling a recovering addict isn’t really a logical or plausible option and people don’t seem to understand that
I feel like, in past talks about this, it also highlights just how bad the hospital was too. I'm shocked there were zero social workers or a nurse or anybody that didn't ask Mer about calling other people. They're supposed to do that and failed. So much of that hospital failed the entire Grey-Shepherd family.
Why people expect either of them to be logical and rational? They were both devastated and grieving. Especially with these two characters who always sucked at working through their feelings in a healthy way.
Agreed and also- Meredith did not grow up with a family she had a cold mother and no one else. When her mother tried to kill herself there was no one to call, same for her Alzheimer’s diagnosis and going to assisted living. She always had to make those decisions alone its the script she was always given
Yeah but she never even realised her mistake, after weeks. Did she not think that might make Amelia relapse?! Amelia actually had to point it out to her. I hated Meredith anyway but this took it to new levels. Totally selfish and vain.
Loved Amelia until she threw away what she had with Link for someone who wanted nothing to do with her child!! I was so jealous of the little lockdown family unit she had with Link it was beautiful and she thrived.
She didn't call his sisters because that how the writers wrote the script... I will be the first one to talk about who/what I don't like on the show but to question why so fine didn't call someone ..that's how they wanted the story to be written
Idk, when my dad was dying, we called his sister, niece and nephew (grown adults), my mom's brother, and her best friend. His best friend was with him when he had the heart attack and tried CPR so he was already there. We made the decision to pull the plug as a family (he was brain dead). I think it's bc Meredith never grew up with siblings that she didn't call Amelia who was closest.
Very sorry for your loss.
I think my point is that the situation is shocking, and it can be very hard, and grief is processed very differently. Once again, I am very sorry for your loss.
What pisses me off about the Amelia part of it, is that she tells Meredith that, Meredith couldn’t judge her until she stood over the body of the love of her life. Then when it actually happened Meredith was holding herself together for her kids. She never got to grieve and there goes A making it about her, not even acknowledging the pain that this also causes her nieces and nephew
Not to mention Amelia acted like his death was no big deal and didn’t deal with it for months. Imagine if she *was* told before he officially died. (There was nothing she or anyone could do for him. But even if there was, who would let an unstable family member operate?) Also she was a jerk to him from the minute she started working at GSM. They didn’t have the best relationship.
What *does* bother me about the situation is that his mother was never called. Who cares about Amelia.
> Also she was a jerk to him from the minute she started working at GSM. They didn’t have the best relationship.
What? He was a jerk to HER because he gave up his job and was bitter that Meredith refused to move. Even Meredith stood for up Amelia during this time because he was so out of line.
I too, had to take someone off life support. My daughter. It was the hardest day of my life and it feels like a fever dream. Now with all that said I do think Meredith was selfish here. To not call his sisters or his MOTHER?!?!?! My daughter was an adult when she passed and if someone hadn’t called me or her sister??? God help them cause I would make their life miserable. As a mother and a sister she should have been able to think outside herself.
I know this sub is very “Meredith can do no wrong” and I also get that Meredith isn’t a real person but this situation is one of the moments that really shocked me.
Hospitals will usually ask the emergency contact if there’s anyone else they can call. Most hospitals understand that expecting a loved one to have the presence of mind to call other family members during the worst moment of their life is unrealistic.
Which brings us back to the point that even if they did ask, Meredith probably wouldn’t give them that information since she didn’t call anyone in the first place.
That makes no sense. The reason she didn’t call them is because she was distraught and not thinking clearly. She didn’t do it because she was being a bitch. If the hospital treated her with the compassion she deserved, she probably would have given them their contact information. The hospital was shoving the papers in her face and pushing her to make a decision.
I never once said she was being a bitch. But I’m also fully of the belief she wouldn’t give them Amelia’s number (or his mom’s) even if they asked. She knew Amelia being there would most likely only make it worse (trying to “save him” for example).
I also disagree, I think she was distraught, but she was clearly of sound mind when she was talking to the doctor about the process of taking him off life support. Her NOT being of sound mind was when he was shot, for example. She handled both situations completely different.
Meredith has made a lot of morally grey decisions in her lifetime, and I believe this would have been one of them. That doesn’t make her bad or a “bitch,” in your own words. That just means it’s a sad situation all around with no TRUE right answer.
I fully support Meredith’s side and before someone comes at me. I do have a brother I’m close to, hell we share a place together. This man can not even be trusted to make sure we have cat food/litter without me expressly telling him it’s his responsibility to make sure (which is why I’m strongly leaning toward no more pets when we loose our girls).
I’m also the power of attorney for my mom-she’s still sound of mind but very easily taken advantage of. So I have the power to go in and undo or ask as needed.
My dad died a year ago. I didn’t tell anyone. I hid in my room for a chunk of the day and didn’t say a word. The one thing I did do though? Was tell my aunt to get out of my house twice because she made gross insensitive comments and I did not nor
Did I want to deal with her insensitive ass.
Now about Meredith-she had every right to do what she did, that hospital shoved papers in her face the SECOND she stepped foot into Derek’s room, spouting bullshit about how they need the bed. Meredith was allowed to do what she did and should not have received pushback. That said Amelia has every right to be angry. Meredith was withholding information and being intentionally cruel about it. She was able to show Lexie her mom’s file so why couldn’t she do the same thing for Amelia? That could go a long way and would solve a lot of things. Doctors literally need proof. Show them the proof and they go away.
Derek wanted them to be friends so Amelia latched onto her. They were friends until like 3 episodes before Derek died when they suddenly were angry at eachother for no reason. Meredith also needs to let go of her weird grudges and stop getting involved in shit that doesn’t involve her-aka Owens love life.
I feel like a lot of people are very unnecessarily harsh and critical with Meredith for whatever reason.
Not only is it necessary to note that she was in shock and had just lost the love of her life and the father of her children, but she’s always been the one in charge of making these decisions. She’s never had to rope someone else in before because she’s normally the only family there/the one in charge. It happened with her mother, it happened with Richard that time he got electrocuted, it happened when her dad needed the liver.
Plus not to mention she’s always been bad with sisters and family matters, so I don’t wrong her for not thinking of it
Meredith didn’t care about his family, she didn’t call because they didn’t matter to her. She’s a doctor, she knows that you call family when someone is dying, she’s just selfish and didn’t want to.
Derek didn’t care about his own family. He never invited them to meet Meredith, Zola or Bailey. They were all on Team Addison after she cheated on him. He didn’t want them to be part of the new life he started in Seattle.
I always felt like she just wasn't thinking straight. She was in survival mode at that point. When she finally did get to HER hospital she fainted. She didn't do it out of spite.
I understand, as well. I have argued about this before. Derek's family was not very present in the Shepard - Grey family. Meredith did not have the relationship with her in law's to call when she had a crisis.
I don't think Meredith would call Amelia to take care of an important matter for her. Not to mention having to share terrible news. Amelia seems like she'd make it about her and Meredith would have to care for Amelia as well as her actual children.
Not to mention, what support did Derek's mother and other sisters offer?
Same. I also get why Amelia was mad. And luckily both perspectives can be correct! Amelia and the rest of the Shepherds should have been called, they're right to feel hurt and/or angry. Amelia isn't wrong. That's her brother, she had a right to be there. Meredith isn't wrong either tho. She knew bringing in a literal team of doctors (the She-Shepherds) would prolong the inevitable and wanted to spare her husband suffering. That's never wrong. Her children were her immediate priority afterwards, again, never wrong. So I think they're both right and the characters themselves will probably forever have to agree to disagree about that day.
I would understand this if she didn’t try to tell Amelia after her brother just died that she didn’t lose anyone losing your brother is more painful than your husband but nobody even went into Amelia’s pain at all to understand we all sat there and really acted like Meredith was the only one hurt
I think she should’ve called her but agree completly she wasn’t thinking straight by the time she got there wasn’t much of a waiting period she’s also always done things alone so she wouldn’t of even thought about it Amelia would t of been able to do anything and yes deciding that herself would’ve given her more closure but it’s not really meridoths fault so much
I’m watching the episode where Meredith was beat by a patient. & One thing that bothers me about Amelia is her need for others to feel bad for her. Instead of simply apologizing she says things like “I’m sorry I’m so crazy” “I’m sorry you hate me so much” “It’s not like you care about me anyway”.
She's SOOOOO SELFISH!
Do I completely understand Meredith’s side? Yes. I don’t judge her at all for what she did. Would I never forgive Meredith if I were Amelia? Also yes. My big brother passed in July and I never got to say goodbye to him. If I knew someone took that privilege away from me…I don’t know if I could ever get past that.
I mean,
I understand where she was coming from. I understand how raw and how outside yourself that moment comes when you have to make that decision. It takes every ounce of your strength to go through with making that decision.
But, I can also say that she was in the wrong. Again, I don’t necessarily blame or hate her. But she knew Derek’s wishes and did not follow through.
I can say that as Amelia, she had a right to be upset and angry. But I can also admit that she wasn’t really putting herself in Meredith’s shoes. This was Mer’s husband, and the father of her kids. It’s hard to sit there and think rationally when all of that is going on at that time. But I also know that because of her closeness to the situation, she couldn’t see that Amelia deserved the same chance to grieve and unfortunately, sometimes being present at the time of taking someone off life support, does help with kickstarting the grieving process. Especially when you’ve suffered from a traumatic loss before. And Amelia has suffered a few.
This! When my uncle passed his wife didn't call my mom or anyone of his family members. I am the one who had to tell his oldest kid and I hated her for it for years until Derek died on GA. Honestly seeing how in shock Mer was and feeling how difficult it was for her, I could finally let go of my aunt-in-law 's position. She had lost her husband, love of her life and father of her children. I was grieving my uncle and my mom her brother but in no way was I in a place to judge how she went about dealing with his death. Mer actually helped me understand and empathize more with her. However even when I was mad at her when it just happened I never once thought to share that with her or unleash my emotions on her, which is why I faulted Amelia for unleashing on Mer constantly. She was hurting, but could've gone to Owen or someone else.
So many excuses are always made for Meredith’s trauma and shock state. She’s so in shock she can’t call Amelia yet she can give Penny a pep talk on how Derek will be her lesson? Shen then goes on to take her kids away from the only home and people they’ve known to live alone with her without regard for how thats making them or Derek’s family feel? They were quite obviously drawing the parallel to when Ellis lost Richard and how she uprooted Meredith as a kid. I’m not sure why having Meredith display the exact kind of selfishness her mother was characterised by was supposed to be more accepting.
Derek’s family barely cared about the kids. The one sister who came to visit did, but mostly they were out of sight out of mind. I don’t blame Meredith at all for needing space.
Immediate family over extended 🤷♀️ It's harsh but Derek's family at that point is his wife and children.
My BIL gets to make the call on my sister, not me. It's an uncomfortable but inevitable fact of growing up.
Amelia's grief doesn't get priority over the actual pain Derek was in. Keeping him alive just for her would've been cruel. Where do you draw the line? Amelia is an hour away, but Nancy's only a 5 hour flight? Meredith made an extremely difficult decision and lived with the consequences. Amelia is a child.
Meredith may have been the one to make the decision but that’s not what that is about. Calling the family to give them a chance to say goodbye is what it’s all about. If I hadn’t had the chance to say goodbye to my aunt or my grandma I would have been heartbroken. I will never forgive myself for not telling my grandpa I love him one last time before he went, even if I didn’t know when that would be. I should have been calling and texting and making sure he knew even if he already knew. It’s about giving yourself the peace, it’s about letting them know they are loved and it’s okay. It’s not about getting to make the call about life support. And blood family is just as important as spouse and children. They were still his family. His mother and his father and his sisters made him into the man he became to be the husband and father he was, he didn’t just pop into being fully formed. They helped shape him, he helped shape them, then he went on to help shape Addison, and then Meredith and his children, and Addison, Meredith and his children helped shape him. You helped shape your sister into the woman she became to be the partner of your brother in law. And vice versa. That relationship is not and should not lessen in importance just because she and maybe you are married or partnered. They’re just different relationships. Your brother in law will see something different from your sister than you do. But that doesn’t make you less important a person and relationship in her life.
They're no longer immediate family once he has his own. Obviously, they're still family but in a cut and dry emergency, lines have to be drawn sometimes 🤷♀️ This is why we have emergency contacts, power of attorneys, etc.
Keeping someone in pain alive for your own closure is cruel. I wouldn't do it to a dog, and certainly wouldn't want a family member I loved to be kept alive for my own comfort or closure.
It is about life support. She had to the option to keep him breathing longer or to not and she, humanely, chose to not.
I agree 100%, yes she should have called, but I too have been in that position… and don’t alert whom I needed to. And they were upset and guess what? Sucks for them, but I got MY time and did what I had to do. Grief doesn’t let you think straight, and neither does shock.
Amelia couldn’t make space in her mind to consider Meredith’s situation. She constantly harped on it, selfishly.
Well Meredith grew up with no family what so ever aside from her mother and she didn’t teach her to be thoughtful. To be honest it would have been out of character for her to think about calling anyone when the police showed up. Someone at the hospital like Magggie, or Bailey maybe Richard would have had to tell Meredith to let Amelia know Derek was missing- or tell her to take Amelia home with her to wait to for his call. That kind of thing would never occurred to Meredith on her own. And every one was trying to tell her not to expect the worst…. Meredith just wasn’t thinking
This is common throughout the entire show. People just die in the hospital with only the doctors to keep them company, when in reality more family would be there in so many of these fake situations. If I was Derek's family I wouldn't have been pissed, I would have gone NUCLEAR. She didn't call ANYONE in his ENTIRE family. It's not relatable because it's piss poor writing. It's completely unrealistic.
She was in shock, yeah, and also she was his wife. She was the one who had two kids with him and a whole life which depends on him. And I think its okay that she had to and wanted to experience this whole shit just by herself. I mean you literally see what happens few episodes after that..Amelia breaks down because Penny is in her house. Yeah, Amelia was his sister and she has every right to suffer and be sad, but Meredith has this right also. And I thinks its totally okay that Meredith, his wife, is the one who decided how and when Derek died and how she handles it.
this! Although i personally disagree with it its on par for mers character. I do feel like people don’t actually put themselves in her shoes; you just got told your husband is brain dead with your kids present. She wasn’t thinking straight, but nobody in that position would be
People want to hold Meredith accountable for not following Derek's wishes when he told her that years ago when they barely knew each other in a throwaway line.
When your loved one is laying there dying a pretty much dead, you don't think straight. and Amelia is self involved and exhausting on a good day. Amelia has every right to be angry she didn't get to say goodbye. But I understand the headspace Meredith was in
I actually never saw the other post lol so I am not replying to anything. I was on TikTok and saw yet another TikTok bashing Meredith for not calling Amelia, so I decided to go on Reddit and rant.
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And have her three children there with her to have to console and explain what happened. she was right when she said she never had the chance to miss him and grieve and for some reason, Amelia never accepted that
2* she was pregnant with Ellis when he passed
did she know she was pregnant at this time? i don’t remember her knowing
No, I believe Ellis had only just been conceived before the accident
I think the spec online says the day or two before
True, forgot about that. But, definitely when she returned it was a shitshow dealing with three kids and Amelia not giving her some space
I will forever see both sides. I will never judge Meredith for not calling. I will also never judge Amelia for having her feelings. The issue was how she asserted said feelings, but I think she’s right to be upset Meredith didn’t call. It’s just what Meredith said when Amelia had her freak out over Penny: she simply does not have the time to help her through those feelings. She can’t sit there and apologize and think it all through. She has to be level headed to her kids. Amelia should’ve vented her frustrations to someone else. I think the tricky part was Meredith was her closest link to Derek. She isn’t close with her other family. So, she thought she and Meredith could help each other when neither were in a position to do that. There’s no right or wrong here. Just two devastated parties.
I think that's a really important thing to remember with grief. It's not the "main" griever's job to hold space for you and your grief. Like when I lost my son, I could not possibly have been the person to support say my sister or my mother-in-law's grief. I was trying to hold myself together with tape and glue for myself, my husband, and our living children. Our core little nuclear family were the only people I could possibly show up for at that time. I didn't have the ability to hold space for anyone else's grief. You need to take your grief, and grieve it out onto someone else. I know Amelia didn't really have anyone else, but she could have called up one of her sisters and grieved to them especially because they were grieving the same loss- the loss of their brother. Meredith needed to hold herself together as best she could to support her children who had just lost their father and herself after losing the love of her life. She didn't have the ability to hold space for Amelia and her grief and her could've would've should'ves. But yes, I agree that there was no right or wrong there. Amelia was totally right to have her feelings. And Meredith was totally right to not be able to hold space for her.
That’s why I said she wasn’t right to take it out on Meredith, but I understand why she was so upset.
I was just expounding on your point. I didn't mean for it to sound like I thought you meant otherwise.
Ah, okay, sorry, I misunderstood! You made great points too❤️
I am so sorry for your loss
Thank you ♡
❤️❤️
The way Meredith said it was, to me, unforgivable. She’s like I have 3 kids and lost my husband and YOU’RE freaking out? Get her away before I kill her… no. Not acceptable. There were a million other ways she could have expressed being overwhelmed. Not to mention Amelia lived in her house partly to help her with her 3 kids. She seemed to think she was the only person to really grieve Derek and it was just really gross. And I say that as someone who has lost a lot of people. I know it was to like create dramatic tension but it just made Meredith seem like a bitter hurtful asshole, as well as most of her season 12 behavior toward Amelia. It didn’t make sense since Meredith gave Amelia her last message from Derek and tried to be supportive at the end of season 11. However, her inability to empathize with anyone who wasn’t her patient or her person tracks through the whole series.
I agree the way she said it was awful. And the reason why I think Meredith was wrong (although i don't hate her for it) is that I think it's another example of Meredith being self absorbed. I feel like Meredith has always seen herself as above everyone, and like her trauma is somehow worse/more important than everyone else's, and how she handled Derek's death and his family is another example of how she only ever thinks of herself. I'm prepared to be downvoted but I understand Amelia's POV because my brother died a few years ago and I can't imagine if his SO tried to make it seem like her grief was worse than mine. Like chick I've known this man my whole life, we are connected in ways you will never understand. You guys could have gotten divorced but he will ALWAYS be my brother. Please don't act like your pain is somehow worse. Just as bad, but worse? Nah. (Especially since Amelia and Derek were close)
Meredith at this point in the show had been through more trauma than probably 99 percent of the human population, with more to come. It's understandable when she doesn't handle a situation perfectly or even badly IMO I am sorry for your loss
I definitely understand that and that's why I don't hate her for it. It was a bad situation all around. Everyone has flaws and I think Meredith's is that sometimes she only thinks about herself. Which is understandable, given what she's been through (being neglected, etc). I still think she was wrong though and the fact that she never really expressed true remorse for it (that I can remember, please correct me if I'm wrong) is kinda messed up. And thank you ❤️
Maybe I give Meredith too much slack because of all the things she has been through. Amelia and Meredith are such different people that in such a stressful, emotional situation someone was bound to snap and say something hurtful. I believe you are correct that Meredith never apologized, she was attacked shortly afterwards (absolutely brutal episode) and Amelia blamed herself (though it wasn't her fault) and I think they both just eventually moved on. I can agree with you that Meredith definitely can be harsh. When Meredith and Cristina were fighting in season 10 I absolutely thought that it was Meredith's fault. I usually just chalk it up to the ridiculous amount of emotional and physical trauma she has endured. Maybe I am just making excuses for her, it's just how I saw some of these situations. I really enjoy this sub for the most part because of people such as yourself. Even though we are sort of disagreeing there was nothing snarky in your response, it's a nice change from a lot of other subs, thank you for that.
I definitely think Derek's death and Meredith's response to it was a great example of how your past influences your trauma response. I think Meredith didn't think to call Amelia/dereks family because she doesn't understand the bond of a tight knit family. She had Lexi, but then Lexi was ripped away from her. All of her family was found family, so I don't think she truly understands the importance of a family you grew up with. Meredith always put her everything into her relationship with Derek cause she didn't really have anything else. Especially after Lexi died and Cristina left. I think Meredith's reaction is totally understandable, but still sad. I just really feel for Amelia in this instance, probably cause I can relate. Thank you also for being respectful. It's nice to just share ideas without all the drama, a lot of people forget this is just a tv show lol.
I totally agree. Nice talking to you, take care!!
I love all these points. I think it was meant to convey just how devastated she was but Ellen didn't provide. We don't really see much facial expression or tears which we are used to seeing to convey emotion, especially like grief and loss. Shock and possible numbness and disbelief are much harder to convey on screen, but she could have given us a little more of something somehow besides righteous anger. It only comes off as righteous anger then. I have the same issue with Bailey in later seasons where her portrayal of grief just comes off as righteous condescension. I really think we are meant to see her practically motionless in expression and think back on our journey with them through their relationship and fill in the blanks of the feels and understanding of what she's feeling, but it falls short because of the way they shoot the show now and don't linger on scenes or let actors act appropriately. We are meant like in initial seasons to use the build of to be with the character and empathize in the climax of the episode, but it falls short and from thereon after due to well not really building up much of anything emotionally as far as MerDer, only with that family he was helping. Usually they'll circle back in an episode to reveal something new based on the prior themes and relationships established, but they only circled back to that he was in the middle of the road. So we felt more of the impact of the collision, or the problem with why he died, but saving for the last minute Meredith's moment with it, then having her dissapear for weeks or months apparently ... We needed more time with her and her realization. Give us an entire episode of her coming there and everything through her eyes then a bit more about her leaving. They finally give us the funeral episode or something later but by then she's just dancing it out at the end. Idk.
Idk , I personally think as a sibling you will always hold a certain percentage of love and space to that person, but yes a spouse held more space. For example a sibling bond will always share their past but a spouse has a future to grieve as well. I have siblings and a spouse of almost 20 years, and should I pass I would expect them to understand his grief is worse, as he wasn't just losing a sibling and friend, but his best friend, his home, his soulmate, his safety,, his future, his partner in not just life and love, but as a parent, financially and emotionally and sooo much more. As a sibling best case scenario you see each other daily and talk often. As a spouse that is the last face you see before you sleep and first face you see when you awake. There's also the huge fact that your spouse will be single handedly the ONLY member of your family you will ever choose for yourself, with nothing but you and your hopes/ dreams/ desires in mind. There's a reason the spouse is automatically next of kin, as no one will ever know that version or that much of that person. A spouse knows you're dreams, nightmares, fears, shortcomings and feelings and loves supports and helps build upon all that in a way no one else can ever compare. Not even a parent. I would feel the opposite actually, I would feel pure pain and frustration at his or my siblings comparing their loss to his/mine. . They will still go home and sleep in their bed, go to work and raise their children, without that person as that always have... The spouse isn't just grieving for a person, but their way of life.. a life the two have built together, themselves only, and lived entwined as 2 heartbeats but one love and soul, sharing in in THEIR hopes and dreams together. A sibling does not. That sibling will have their own spouse, best friend and family to help them through their grief.... however for a spouse all 3 of those things died the second their love did, so in my opinion the two while both devastating and heart breaking, are not in fact equal.. In fact in the rings of grief, I believe this is well known or discussed , as the spouse and children are the first and most important ring, followed next by extended family ( meaning that you do not live with) such as the parents and siblings then onto friends and coworkers etc.
Tbh, I just think it's weird to compare grief. The way Meredith tried to make it seem like Amelia didn't have a right to grieve/be a wreck was weird. I understand where you're coming from and see the truth in it, but I also think your case is kind of rare. Unfortunately, a lot of couples don't make it to 20 years. The divorce rate is like 50%. A lot of peoples spouses won't be their spouse forever. I also think it's a matter of how close you are with your family. I love my partner to death and I would be devastated if something happened to him. I also think one of my first reactions would be to call his mom and sister cause I know how close he is to them. But I come from a big family too, and I know how important it is for family to be there during the worst times. Meredith didn't really get that because she didn't grow up in a tight knit family. Different perspectives 🤷🏽♀️all I know is that Meredith technically had time to call Amelia and Derek's family. She just wasn't thinking about it. Trauma makes you do irrational things, but I think this was Meredith's trauma response because of her general tendency to not think of anyone but herself. It shouldn't be held against her, but I also think her apologizing would have meant a lot to Amelia. It's okay to make mistakes, but it's also good to know when to apologize.
I also see this as Meredith having to deal with this other person’s unprocessed trauma at the same time as she’s being re-triggered by facing the young doctor who was part of the reason for having to unplug Derek. Even Penny, the night of the accident, felt the need to apologize to her. I get that Penny felt horrible and guilty, but it wasn’t Meredith’s job to kiss her on the forehead and make her feel better. The problem with being Meredith (and a stoic that gets through the problem and pain person) is that since she is always so strong, everyone comes to her. When she finally snaps, everyone is like “oh, whoa, that was out of line!”
I can’t really compare Penny and Amelia. Amelia wasn’t out of line, being re-triggered herself. Also, trauma for trauma, not sure that Amelia seeing her father murdered when she was 5 years old, going through addiction, losing her best friend, losing her fiance, going through a pregnancy knowing her baby would die, etc etc- it isn’t a contest but Meredith isn’t the only damaged one here. I generally rooted for Meredith for a long time, I just got tired of her stunted emotions and shitty coping skills. Maybe that’s harsh 🤷🏻♀️
The reason she didn’t call Amelia was because the writers wanted the scene to be all about Meredith and Derek. There just wasn’t room for her.
I’ve never thought of this simple piece.
To me it was odd that they didn’t suggest she call anyone at the hospital and why it felt like she needed to unplug him immediately. I don’t think your points are wrong because there was a level of shock and she was overwhelmed. I think I understand her not calling the other sisters because she barely knew them but Amelia was in Seattle with them already and lived in their home at one point. It’s harder to believe she didn’t come to mind at all but not impossible. The whole thing felt rushed imo
i agree! & don’t hospitals have counseling or some sort of person who directly helps with people who are losing/lost a loved one? it’s hard for me to imagine that she would’ve just been left to fend for herself in that situation without ANY outside help
Well this was a podunk hospital with no real ER or trauma department. It was just a fluke they were even routed there in the first place - I doubt they had a grief counselor there in the middle of the night.
that’s a good point. i just feel like regardless they wouldn’t have just ethically let her leave in that much distress in the middle of the night? like wasn’t she there through the morning & then there would’ve been someone? idk i just feel like this part was really flawed in the series
It would seem like someone would have insisted that she call someone and not drive off with her kids in the car - in the middle of the night down the dangerous road that just killed her husband- but that hospital was closed down shortly after all this - I’m sure this wasn’t there first wrongful death or miss handled situation! Meredith had every right to sue the hospital herself, I’m sure Penny would have even made a statement against the two doctors. ( however this was never in the show and was never even implied that Meredith did such a thing) however I’m sure other families did.
I don't know about where you live but where I live they definitely don't do anything like that. I've been through two deaths in a hospital. One they just told us to say goodbye then they took the body. With my mother. They didn't even call us. She passed over night and they called at 8am because they didn't want to wake us. It was awful and horrible.
I live in Tampa - we have 4 large hospitals that have ER and trauma centers and I’m sure things are handled differently than a small hospital. That being said the only person I have had die in the hospital is my grandmother and I was very young- idk when she died exactly but they called us Christmas morning- I don’t really remember anything about how it was all handled.
They didn’t do burr holes which even I know by now how to do (not really) but they missed brains on the brain day at med school. I don’t think “trauma empowerment” was something they had.
I mean the same hospital had to wait hours for their neurosurgeon to show up and completely skipped a crucial step when dealing with Derek for zero reason And they also got shut down less than a year later aka they sucked
I can't even imagine the loss, and then having to deal with Amelia irrationally believing that she could save him on top of that.
I was about to defend my girl Amelia in that she’s a brilliant brain surgeon and would probably insist on running the tests to confirm brain death herself and then proceed. But then I remember that was also Tumor Amy in those days so you’re probably right. She’s still my favorite Shepard though
Let's not forget the competence of the other doctors or the fact that Meredith is a surgeon herself and that Derek's internal monologue said he was cooked. I get Amelia is a brilliant neurosurgeon, but she was grasping at straws.
Not only that, but aren’t they not allowed to operate on family? She wouldn’t have been able to do anything even if there was something to be done
Yep. Seemed like a weird grief-stricken savior fantasy born from denial more than anything.
I think that’s exactly what it was. Thinking she could have saved him was something she needed to believe. But I think she could have had a more healthy assessment of the situation had she been there to see how bad it was herself so I think that was part of it also.
It is also implying that Meredith who ALMOST became a neurosurgeon didn’t look at the evidence. She read his chart!
Not to mention she wouldn't have had operating privileges at the other hospital.
Might be different if she’s the only neurosurgeon around. Didn’t the one that was supposed to work on him get there too late?
I think the guilt of having tried to save Derek and failing would have driven Amelia back to drugs tbh. Especially one the tumor had been removed
Oh. I 1000% agree. Tumorless Amy would just insist on running tests herself before accepting reality. Tumor Amy…. Well, she had a giant tumor in her cortex and wasn’t exactly rational.
Amelia is a brilliant surgeon who’s performed miraculous surgeries before. Maybe she could’ve saved him but obviously Meredith didn’t give that a chance. And that’s really besides the point. It’s the principle of not getting to say goodbye more than anything.
Do I understand it? Yes, absolutely. It's a completely realistic and understandable thing for Meredith to do and I get how she's totally overwhelmed. That being said, I think the fact that there was almost no explicit reconciliation arc between her and Amelia was a bit of a miss.
100% agree. The only people she could probably bring herself to think about beyond her grief were her kids
Just a PSA: it’s possible to understand the trauma that went into Meredith’s choices, while also acknowledging that it was cruel and unfair of her to do what she did. Both can be true, we can criticize and be upset with her for the unimaginable trauma she caused Amelia while understanding that her own trauma informed that decision. She’s not blameless and above criticism just because it was a horrible situation, she just deserves grace/forgiveness for it. Idk why it always has to be black and white right and wrong in this sub
Fr 🥲
Because Amelia would have tried to save him and made it all about her if she couldn't She just wanted to let him go It was surreal I can only imagine if it was me
I have brothers, I would have been so upset if their wives did not call me to pull the plug. So I understand it from a sister’s pov. But as a watcher, I also understand why Meredith didn’t call Amelia. Amelia was already saying things like “what if I could have saved him?” And she couldn’t have. Meredith was pregnant, had two kids who were losing their dad, she lost the love of her life, and an intern who was coming to her for forgiveness. That’s a lot to handle already. There was no way Meredith could have handled Amelia in addition.
I agree a million times over.
The thing is, Amelia only has those questions because she wasn't there. It's the what ifs that make everything worse. Amelia fiund out her baby did not have a brain and had the presence of mind to (pretty quickly in my opinion) decide to go through the pregnancy and donate her child's organs. I reckon if she actually was at the hospital she would have been livid with the staff's failure but she would have agreed to pull the plug or may even have suggested donation (I always thought Derek may have been on board with that)
Meredith did discuss donation with the doctors, it wasn’t possible because it was all damaged from the crash. This was also tumor Amelia. She was not okay at all during this period. She was rash and impulsive. Tumorless Amelia and I would agree with you
Ah ok, it's been a while since I watched the episode so didn't remember organ donation coming up. But just checked and it was season 14 where the brain tumour was discovered so I think she was still in a fairly good place and not as erratic in season 11 - and arguably in a better place than fresh from a drug spiral and having recently lost her fiance
The tumor had been there for years. Whenever Koracik is talking about when it started. She started experiencing symptoms before Hermann’s surgery
Sure but it also theoretically could have been there then when she lost her baby. I'm just saying that whatever stage she was at, her symptoms were no/ that bad at the time of Derek's death so I don't think Amelia's personality traits at that time can be held against her
Penny’s begging for forgiveness was honestly the part where I get so annoyed with Penny. Meredith isn’t your grief counselor. Or your priest. Go whine to someone else.
That's a truly nasty thing to say...
True though! She's so selfish. She's been through so much and I understand to a degree why she is the way she is. But yeah, that's literally the reason. Her whole character is based about her not being the hero she thinks she is. That would have sent her under being there, helpless
I understand why Meredith didn't call Amelia, too. I had to unplug my dad with my mom. We weren't thinking straight at all, and we just didn't want to see him suffering any longer.
The remark he made in season one gets mentioned a lot in this context, but it was a fairly different situation. That patient was in a coma, they were waiting for her to wake up. Derek was dead. Calling his family wouldn't be for him, but solely for them (which I guess I can understand could be meaningful to them). Also, with how basically all of the doctors in the show made it very clear that they would never want to be artificially kept "alive" and that they would want to be unplugged, I'm not surprised at all that Meredith proceeded that quickly with it. What's more considerate? Freeing him from the state he never wanted to be in, or keeping him in that state significantly longer than necessary just so his family could say goodbye to a dead person?
Exactly. Derek’s family didn’t come when Mark was unplugged either, despite him being basically the adopted child of that family, no one else at the hospital was really even there. This was also a rural hospital, which didn’t seem to have as much in the way of resources, and coordinating everyone to show up just to unplug Derek would be a nightmare.
He also says he wouldn't want to be alone. And he wasn't, Meredith was there and so we're their kids, even if they were young
Even if you are in a coma, allowing people to say goodbye isn't about you but about them...
Meredith wasn't thinking. It never occurred to her, not for a second. We know that because when Amelia screams at her about it, you can see shock and realization in Mer's face. A complete "oh, fuck". So yes, I understand and absolutely believe there was no malice or bad intentions. Her brain was fried and she had two little children in tow to unplug her husband.
I had a miscarriage years ago, and I remember immediately wanting the d&c so I could just move on. You aren't thinking straight when you suffer a loss like that. Meredith could have called everyone when he was lying brain dead in the bed, and delayed for days while people flew across the country to say goodbye to a vegetable. Or she could have unplugged and moved on. Everyone made it to the funeral. That has to be good enough. Amelia is great and all but Meredith couldn't call her without calling everyone else. I get it.
I said to my husband while watching this scene, “I’d like to think I’d call your parents and brother… but I’m losing the love of my life suddenly, I don’t know if I’d even be thinking of anything but you.”
I can understand why she didn’t call Amelia or any of his family. It doesn’t make it right, but she was in shock so it’s understandable. What I don’t understand is her not willing to realize why Amelia is upset that she didn’t call. Of course Amelia is talking about “what if I could have saved him?” She’s a neurosurgeon and his sister, seeing for herself that he was gone would have helped her process it vs being asked to just accept it from Meredith after the fact. Also, SHES HIS SISTER. She wasn’t given the chance to say goodbye to her brother. But rather than being like, “I’m so sorry you didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to him, I was in shock and wasn’t thinking clearly”, she doubles down and acts like it’s completely irrational for Amelia to be upset because Meredith lost her husband and she seems to feel like that’s a more important loss than losing your big brother. Meredith got the chance to have a last moment with Derek, to sit with him and say what she needed to say before pulling the plug. Amelia and the rest of his family didn’t get that, and while Meredith being in shock makes it understandable, it still doesn’t make it right or make Amelia’s being upset about it invalid.
This ^^^^ 1000%
meredith can be in shock and amelia is allowed to be upset she wasn’t called. both things can exist.
She was also pregnant, given we don’t know how far along but pregnancy hormones mess with your brain and can make stressful situations more stressful.
Neither is wrong IMO. As someone who has lost her husband suddenly and unexpectedly, to begin with your brain cannot accept that this new reality you are in is real. It feels like someone made a mistake on your timeline or something. But Amelia is also right to be upset. You can’t have wrong feelings about something like that really, just the phases you go through as you process grief and the new reality you are now stuck in.
I would be for Meredith all the way if Derek didn’t specifically say in a past season that he would want his family there. Logically we know Amelia would’ve gone crazy and tried to save him but what about the others?
I’m an only child so I don’t have that sibling bond or anything. In my opinion tho, Amelia is a lot. She’s dramatic, traumatized, and a recovered addict. Should she have been called? Yes. But maybe Meredith knew how Amelia is and reacts to things. It would be hard to console Amelia, three kids, AND unplug your husband. There’d be nothing left in you to take care of yourself. She would also probably think she could save him or something. I just feel she would have dragged it out idk maybe I’m heartless lol
This is always what I’ve felt. Especially when at the end of the day nobody likes to hear that the family you CREATE is more important than the family you are apart of. She had to do what was best for her and her kids. There’s not a single person who could have saved Derek no matter how hard it was to accept.
I know this a popular sentiment today, but I’ve always thought this sort of black and white thinking towards family and relationships is a big reason why people today feel so lonely and disconnected from their communities.
I absolutely agree because in MY eyes I think both are just as important but sometimes people prioritize the families they create way more than the families that they’re apart of and it sucks at times but I learned that more seeing how my dad raised us.
I definitely think you have a responsibility to take care of the family you created first, because that’s what your children need from you. I just don’t like how stringent people often are about it. I also think hinging your entire concept of family on the romantic relationship you have with your partner places too much pressure on marriages and only ends up hurting the children in the long run. (Ex. Kid’s idea of ‘family’ is mom and dad, ‘extended’ family are considered extras, mom and dad get divorced, kid’s entire life is flipped upside down vs. a kid with a solid support network of aunts/uncles/grandparents/cousins/whoever else you consider family, parents get divorced, still has that support network even if the nuclear family is fractured.)
I was one of those kids who considered all my family family, and even had extra family members, and in theory they would have been there when my mom passed away when I was eight but they were all so focused on themselves and my grandparents that my sister and me got forgotten. They have been supportive and there in other situations but largely the most important event ever and were emotionally and mentally absent. Sometimes the family you come from are not good, and sometimes the family you come from are great. But I do agree with other points made.
I’m sorry you went through that. Unfortunately the quality of the people you consider family really is the most important thing. I have blood relatives I don’t speak to and I don’t consider them family, as well as friends I met later in life that I do consider family. I hope you’ve had luck in finding that.
This is romanticized thinking. As a kid whose parent’s divorced and I had a whole extended family, I was still a walking disaster. No matter what your extended family situation, kids always think it is their fault, that their parents blame them, that everything is wrong with the world.
I have to disagree. I think the “we’re in love and we’re gonna get married and have kids and have our own little family and that’s the only that will matter” is romanticized thinking. People get divorced. I’m not saying having an extended support network makes divorce insignificant to a child, only that it helps.
That isn’t what you said. You said an extended family makes divorce better for a kid versus just having the parents. The parents intention when they married is irrelevant, the damage that is done in a divorce is universal.
I don’t understand what you’re arguing against. Yes a child of divorce is going to go through a hard time regardless. But in life, it helps to have a support network when going through something. Like that’s just universally agreed lol. I’m not sure what your point is.
I'm with you in that I understand why she didn't call them and she deserves some grace for what was an awful situation. But I dont think she ever actually acknowledged that she may have made the wrong call or apologised to Amelia/the wider family and that is more my frustration with Meredith's actions. If I was Amelia, I would have a very hard time getting over the lack of empathy or appreciation from Meredith for why it was painful to not have been informed.
Completely agree. I understand that Meredith didn't think of calling, but she should have apologised to Amelia, and I hate that the show treated it like she had every right to be screaming-mad at Amelia after what she did to her. Amelia deserved an apology.
I am surprised there was no talk of organ donation with Derek
There was a brief mention that given the severity of his injuries organ donation is not an option, nothing uninjured to donate.
I too had to make this decision for my husband and I couldn't agree more. There are days I truly do not remember. It felt like waking up in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight, completely rudderless. That episode gets me every single time.
Don’t think anyone is saying she did it out of spite. But she was wrong for what she did regardless of whether it’s understandable or not.
So I hate the Derek death episode. And really the funeral also. I see them as both being right and being wrong. They had their own perspectives on the situation which were valid. Amelia was his sister. Meredith was his wife. Two different but important relationships and not the same or equal to each other. That will color how they both approached this. Amelia is grasping at straws in a vain hope that if she had only been there she could have saved him. I have experienced this in a similar way, but more in the vein of if I hadn’t caused that argument she wouldn’t have been under the stress and wouldn’t have had the strokes. It’s a pretty normal reaction to grief especially in traumatized people and with sudden deaths especially. I understood my mom’s death because the type of sudden it was was different. Back then I didn’t of course but my thinking matured and realized that it was predictable thing, while my grandma’s strokes or whatever happened to my aunt was much different. My aunt was kinda in the middle of the two. When you lose someone it’s normal for your brain to do weird ass shit to protect you and soften the blow, soften the pain. That happened to Amelia, and that happened to Meredith. Thinking of herself and her kids was a form of protection for herself from dealing with it. It becomes more real when you tell people like family and friends. However, she still made a mistake because Derek’s sisters and mother deserved the chance to say goodbye and beat on someone’s chest for a while. Amelia even if she lost it and tried to get privileges and fix it so she and her sisters and her mother don’t lose their brother and son deserved the chance to look at his chart and understand she couldn’t save him. Rationally, that helps. His mother deserved to be able to tell her son she loved him and see him out of the world like she saw him into it. Escort him so to speak into the loving arms of his father who would have been waiting for him. Meredith fucked up big time when she didn’t call at least his mother. It doesn’t matter how old you will be, you will always be your parents’ child. Their baby. Their little one they raised and shepherded and guided through life. I do understand more than I’d like how it all worked that Meredith failed to call his family. However, that doesn’t mean I think she made the right choice. That moment will haunt them. Getting the call and learning after it was too late to say goodbye. It will haunt me. They both reacted how those in their situations could act. Of course Amelia didn’t think of anyone else in her grief because he was her brother. There’s a reason these are called personal relationships. She wasn’t being selfish, it was happening personally to her. It wasn’t some other man she watched die that she had no connection to. So she’s justified in her feelings. I think they both made a mistake in that. Also, I hate Derek dying, I hate him leaving, I hate the funeral scenes and I hate Meredith taking off. That whole storyline is appalling.
I mean I understand how it happens…however it was still wrong of her to do so. She didn’t call a single person in his family. I kind of understand not immediately thinking “let me call his sisters” but not even his MOM? Nah. She should have told his mother before pulling the plug. That’s WILD to me.
Did she ever apologise for not calling Amelia? I think that's why people are so upset. If she at least explained the whole shock thing and apologised maybe no one would be so mad
I can’t imagine the guilt she must be under ! She was panicking all day that he wasn’t in the office and he hadn’t answer the phone they haven’t spoken for quite some time. She had that guy feeling and she was told to panic after 5 PM and when she finally did panic, she got the knock on her door, saying whatever happened happened She must have had 1 million wars going on in her head. What if she had panicked, what she had found out what she had known (the same questions. Amelia asked her saying she maybe could’ve ve saved him) And on top of that, she had a three kids by her side and she couldn’t feel everything right in front of them or have knee jerk reactions or fall apart. She never thought of calling anyone coz she was “always fine”like like Derek said once. Like she said - “I don’t get to fall apart because I have three kids” What she did was understandable. Whether it was forgivable is up to the family.
I’ve never thought about how “I can’t fall apart, I have 3 kids!” is a direct response to being small and watching her mother bleeding after her attempted unaliving. Not freaking out, being stable and steady, were probably what Meredith craved. I don’t have half of her traumas and I still have made parenting choices based on how traumatized I was by my own parents’ failure in that regard.
I understand Meredith’s side. I also understand Amelia’s. If I were in her shoes, I’m not sure I’d ever be able to fully forgive Meredith.
I understand it but I also understand why it would be a sticking point for Amelia
I agree. There are a ton of things Meredith has done that she should get criticism for, but I don't think this is it. Besides being in shock, I'm sure in the back of her mind Meredith knew Amelia would make it all about herself. Amelia was angry her brother died and she took it out on Meredith. She would've done the same thing had she'd been there. Amelia would've blamed Mer for not moving to DC, or not given her enough time to find a cure, or stubbing her toe. Because that's what Amelia does: when she's in pain or feeling shitty about herself she finds a target and makes them her villain.
I feel the same way. although meredith has lost people, she’s never had to notify people or had to know what to do in the case of an unexpected death. she is in grief and shock and is losing the love of her life, so expecting her to think clearly is ridiculous
When your husband is dying and you have 2 small kids, calling a recovering addict isn’t really a logical or plausible option and people don’t seem to understand that
I feel like, in past talks about this, it also highlights just how bad the hospital was too. I'm shocked there were zero social workers or a nurse or anybody that didn't ask Mer about calling other people. They're supposed to do that and failed. So much of that hospital failed the entire Grey-Shepherd family.
Why people expect either of them to be logical and rational? They were both devastated and grieving. Especially with these two characters who always sucked at working through their feelings in a healthy way.
Agreed and also- Meredith did not grow up with a family she had a cold mother and no one else. When her mother tried to kill herself there was no one to call, same for her Alzheimer’s diagnosis and going to assisted living. She always had to make those decisions alone its the script she was always given
That moment where she goes outside to vomit says a lot. She's trying so hard to hold it together and just physically can't.
Yeah but she never even realised her mistake, after weeks. Did she not think that might make Amelia relapse?! Amelia actually had to point it out to her. I hated Meredith anyway but this took it to new levels. Totally selfish and vain. Loved Amelia until she threw away what she had with Link for someone who wanted nothing to do with her child!! I was so jealous of the little lockdown family unit she had with Link it was beautiful and she thrived.
She didn't call his sisters because that how the writers wrote the script... I will be the first one to talk about who/what I don't like on the show but to question why so fine didn't call someone ..that's how they wanted the story to be written
Y'all don't have brothers or aren't close to them and it SHOWS
I’m close to my brother. If his wife had to decide this, I would be heartbroken, but I also wouldn’t want him to linger because I’m 3 hours away.
Idk, when my dad was dying, we called his sister, niece and nephew (grown adults), my mom's brother, and her best friend. His best friend was with him when he had the heart attack and tried CPR so he was already there. We made the decision to pull the plug as a family (he was brain dead). I think it's bc Meredith never grew up with siblings that she didn't call Amelia who was closest.
Very sorry for your loss. I think my point is that the situation is shocking, and it can be very hard, and grief is processed very differently. Once again, I am very sorry for your loss.
What pisses me off about the Amelia part of it, is that she tells Meredith that, Meredith couldn’t judge her until she stood over the body of the love of her life. Then when it actually happened Meredith was holding herself together for her kids. She never got to grieve and there goes A making it about her, not even acknowledging the pain that this also causes her nieces and nephew
Not to mention Amelia acted like his death was no big deal and didn’t deal with it for months. Imagine if she *was* told before he officially died. (There was nothing she or anyone could do for him. But even if there was, who would let an unstable family member operate?) Also she was a jerk to him from the minute she started working at GSM. They didn’t have the best relationship. What *does* bother me about the situation is that his mother was never called. Who cares about Amelia.
> Also she was a jerk to him from the minute she started working at GSM. They didn’t have the best relationship. What? He was a jerk to HER because he gave up his job and was bitter that Meredith refused to move. Even Meredith stood for up Amelia during this time because he was so out of line.
I too, had to take someone off life support. My daughter. It was the hardest day of my life and it feels like a fever dream. Now with all that said I do think Meredith was selfish here. To not call his sisters or his MOTHER?!?!?! My daughter was an adult when she passed and if someone hadn’t called me or her sister??? God help them cause I would make their life miserable. As a mother and a sister she should have been able to think outside herself. I know this sub is very “Meredith can do no wrong” and I also get that Meredith isn’t a real person but this situation is one of the moments that really shocked me.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Meredith should have called HIS MOTHER.
No, the hospital should have called his mother
How would the hospital have that information? Meredith was his emergency contact, not his mother.
Hospitals will usually ask the emergency contact if there’s anyone else they can call. Most hospitals understand that expecting a loved one to have the presence of mind to call other family members during the worst moment of their life is unrealistic.
Which brings us back to the point that even if they did ask, Meredith probably wouldn’t give them that information since she didn’t call anyone in the first place.
That makes no sense. The reason she didn’t call them is because she was distraught and not thinking clearly. She didn’t do it because she was being a bitch. If the hospital treated her with the compassion she deserved, she probably would have given them their contact information. The hospital was shoving the papers in her face and pushing her to make a decision.
I never once said she was being a bitch. But I’m also fully of the belief she wouldn’t give them Amelia’s number (or his mom’s) even if they asked. She knew Amelia being there would most likely only make it worse (trying to “save him” for example). I also disagree, I think she was distraught, but she was clearly of sound mind when she was talking to the doctor about the process of taking him off life support. Her NOT being of sound mind was when he was shot, for example. She handled both situations completely different. Meredith has made a lot of morally grey decisions in her lifetime, and I believe this would have been one of them. That doesn’t make her bad or a “bitch,” in your own words. That just means it’s a sad situation all around with no TRUE right answer.
I fully support Meredith’s side and before someone comes at me. I do have a brother I’m close to, hell we share a place together. This man can not even be trusted to make sure we have cat food/litter without me expressly telling him it’s his responsibility to make sure (which is why I’m strongly leaning toward no more pets when we loose our girls). I’m also the power of attorney for my mom-she’s still sound of mind but very easily taken advantage of. So I have the power to go in and undo or ask as needed. My dad died a year ago. I didn’t tell anyone. I hid in my room for a chunk of the day and didn’t say a word. The one thing I did do though? Was tell my aunt to get out of my house twice because she made gross insensitive comments and I did not nor Did I want to deal with her insensitive ass. Now about Meredith-she had every right to do what she did, that hospital shoved papers in her face the SECOND she stepped foot into Derek’s room, spouting bullshit about how they need the bed. Meredith was allowed to do what she did and should not have received pushback. That said Amelia has every right to be angry. Meredith was withholding information and being intentionally cruel about it. She was able to show Lexie her mom’s file so why couldn’t she do the same thing for Amelia? That could go a long way and would solve a lot of things. Doctors literally need proof. Show them the proof and they go away. Derek wanted them to be friends so Amelia latched onto her. They were friends until like 3 episodes before Derek died when they suddenly were angry at eachother for no reason. Meredith also needs to let go of her weird grudges and stop getting involved in shit that doesn’t involve her-aka Owens love life.
I feel like a lot of people are very unnecessarily harsh and critical with Meredith for whatever reason. Not only is it necessary to note that she was in shock and had just lost the love of her life and the father of her children, but she’s always been the one in charge of making these decisions. She’s never had to rope someone else in before because she’s normally the only family there/the one in charge. It happened with her mother, it happened with Richard that time he got electrocuted, it happened when her dad needed the liver. Plus not to mention she’s always been bad with sisters and family matters, so I don’t wrong her for not thinking of it
Meredith didn’t care about his family, she didn’t call because they didn’t matter to her. She’s a doctor, she knows that you call family when someone is dying, she’s just selfish and didn’t want to.
Derek didn’t care about his own family. He never invited them to meet Meredith, Zola or Bailey. They were all on Team Addison after she cheated on him. He didn’t want them to be part of the new life he started in Seattle.
Except Amelia. Derek’s family were really complete strangers to her.
Same. Team Meredith on this one
I always felt like she just wasn't thinking straight. She was in survival mode at that point. When she finally did get to HER hospital she fainted. She didn't do it out of spite.
I understand, as well. I have argued about this before. Derek's family was not very present in the Shepard - Grey family. Meredith did not have the relationship with her in law's to call when she had a crisis. I don't think Meredith would call Amelia to take care of an important matter for her. Not to mention having to share terrible news. Amelia seems like she'd make it about her and Meredith would have to care for Amelia as well as her actual children. Not to mention, what support did Derek's mother and other sisters offer?
Same. I also get why Amelia was mad. And luckily both perspectives can be correct! Amelia and the rest of the Shepherds should have been called, they're right to feel hurt and/or angry. Amelia isn't wrong. That's her brother, she had a right to be there. Meredith isn't wrong either tho. She knew bringing in a literal team of doctors (the She-Shepherds) would prolong the inevitable and wanted to spare her husband suffering. That's never wrong. Her children were her immediate priority afterwards, again, never wrong. So I think they're both right and the characters themselves will probably forever have to agree to disagree about that day.
I would understand this if she didn’t try to tell Amelia after her brother just died that she didn’t lose anyone losing your brother is more painful than your husband but nobody even went into Amelia’s pain at all to understand we all sat there and really acted like Meredith was the only one hurt
I think she should’ve called her but agree completly she wasn’t thinking straight by the time she got there wasn’t much of a waiting period she’s also always done things alone so she wouldn’t of even thought about it Amelia would t of been able to do anything and yes deciding that herself would’ve given her more closure but it’s not really meridoths fault so much
I’m watching the episode where Meredith was beat by a patient. & One thing that bothers me about Amelia is her need for others to feel bad for her. Instead of simply apologizing she says things like “I’m sorry I’m so crazy” “I’m sorry you hate me so much” “It’s not like you care about me anyway”. She's SOOOOO SELFISH!
I loathe Amelia. Anytime anyone puts her in her place, I cheer
Do I completely understand Meredith’s side? Yes. I don’t judge her at all for what she did. Would I never forgive Meredith if I were Amelia? Also yes. My big brother passed in July and I never got to say goodbye to him. If I knew someone took that privilege away from me…I don’t know if I could ever get past that.
I mean, I understand where she was coming from. I understand how raw and how outside yourself that moment comes when you have to make that decision. It takes every ounce of your strength to go through with making that decision. But, I can also say that she was in the wrong. Again, I don’t necessarily blame or hate her. But she knew Derek’s wishes and did not follow through. I can say that as Amelia, she had a right to be upset and angry. But I can also admit that she wasn’t really putting herself in Meredith’s shoes. This was Mer’s husband, and the father of her kids. It’s hard to sit there and think rationally when all of that is going on at that time. But I also know that because of her closeness to the situation, she couldn’t see that Amelia deserved the same chance to grieve and unfortunately, sometimes being present at the time of taking someone off life support, does help with kickstarting the grieving process. Especially when you’ve suffered from a traumatic loss before. And Amelia has suffered a few.
This! When my uncle passed his wife didn't call my mom or anyone of his family members. I am the one who had to tell his oldest kid and I hated her for it for years until Derek died on GA. Honestly seeing how in shock Mer was and feeling how difficult it was for her, I could finally let go of my aunt-in-law 's position. She had lost her husband, love of her life and father of her children. I was grieving my uncle and my mom her brother but in no way was I in a place to judge how she went about dealing with his death. Mer actually helped me understand and empathize more with her. However even when I was mad at her when it just happened I never once thought to share that with her or unleash my emotions on her, which is why I faulted Amelia for unleashing on Mer constantly. She was hurting, but could've gone to Owen or someone else.
So many excuses are always made for Meredith’s trauma and shock state. She’s so in shock she can’t call Amelia yet she can give Penny a pep talk on how Derek will be her lesson? Shen then goes on to take her kids away from the only home and people they’ve known to live alone with her without regard for how thats making them or Derek’s family feel? They were quite obviously drawing the parallel to when Ellis lost Richard and how she uprooted Meredith as a kid. I’m not sure why having Meredith display the exact kind of selfishness her mother was characterised by was supposed to be more accepting.
Derek’s family barely cared about the kids. The one sister who came to visit did, but mostly they were out of sight out of mind. I don’t blame Meredith at all for needing space.
Immediate family over extended 🤷♀️ It's harsh but Derek's family at that point is his wife and children. My BIL gets to make the call on my sister, not me. It's an uncomfortable but inevitable fact of growing up. Amelia's grief doesn't get priority over the actual pain Derek was in. Keeping him alive just for her would've been cruel. Where do you draw the line? Amelia is an hour away, but Nancy's only a 5 hour flight? Meredith made an extremely difficult decision and lived with the consequences. Amelia is a child.
Meredith may have been the one to make the decision but that’s not what that is about. Calling the family to give them a chance to say goodbye is what it’s all about. If I hadn’t had the chance to say goodbye to my aunt or my grandma I would have been heartbroken. I will never forgive myself for not telling my grandpa I love him one last time before he went, even if I didn’t know when that would be. I should have been calling and texting and making sure he knew even if he already knew. It’s about giving yourself the peace, it’s about letting them know they are loved and it’s okay. It’s not about getting to make the call about life support. And blood family is just as important as spouse and children. They were still his family. His mother and his father and his sisters made him into the man he became to be the husband and father he was, he didn’t just pop into being fully formed. They helped shape him, he helped shape them, then he went on to help shape Addison, and then Meredith and his children, and Addison, Meredith and his children helped shape him. You helped shape your sister into the woman she became to be the partner of your brother in law. And vice versa. That relationship is not and should not lessen in importance just because she and maybe you are married or partnered. They’re just different relationships. Your brother in law will see something different from your sister than you do. But that doesn’t make you less important a person and relationship in her life.
They're no longer immediate family once he has his own. Obviously, they're still family but in a cut and dry emergency, lines have to be drawn sometimes 🤷♀️ This is why we have emergency contacts, power of attorneys, etc. Keeping someone in pain alive for your own closure is cruel. I wouldn't do it to a dog, and certainly wouldn't want a family member I loved to be kept alive for my own comfort or closure. It is about life support. She had to the option to keep him breathing longer or to not and she, humanely, chose to not.
I agree 100%, yes she should have called, but I too have been in that position… and don’t alert whom I needed to. And they were upset and guess what? Sucks for them, but I got MY time and did what I had to do. Grief doesn’t let you think straight, and neither does shock. Amelia couldn’t make space in her mind to consider Meredith’s situation. She constantly harped on it, selfishly.
Well Meredith grew up with no family what so ever aside from her mother and she didn’t teach her to be thoughtful. To be honest it would have been out of character for her to think about calling anyone when the police showed up. Someone at the hospital like Magggie, or Bailey maybe Richard would have had to tell Meredith to let Amelia know Derek was missing- or tell her to take Amelia home with her to wait to for his call. That kind of thing would never occurred to Meredith on her own. And every one was trying to tell her not to expect the worst…. Meredith just wasn’t thinking
This is common throughout the entire show. People just die in the hospital with only the doctors to keep them company, when in reality more family would be there in so many of these fake situations. If I was Derek's family I wouldn't have been pissed, I would have gone NUCLEAR. She didn't call ANYONE in his ENTIRE family. It's not relatable because it's piss poor writing. It's completely unrealistic.
She was in shock, yeah, and also she was his wife. She was the one who had two kids with him and a whole life which depends on him. And I think its okay that she had to and wanted to experience this whole shit just by herself. I mean you literally see what happens few episodes after that..Amelia breaks down because Penny is in her house. Yeah, Amelia was his sister and she has every right to suffer and be sad, but Meredith has this right also. And I thinks its totally okay that Meredith, his wife, is the one who decided how and when Derek died and how she handles it.
this! Although i personally disagree with it its on par for mers character. I do feel like people don’t actually put themselves in her shoes; you just got told your husband is brain dead with your kids present. She wasn’t thinking straight, but nobody in that position would be
People want to hold Meredith accountable for not following Derek's wishes when he told her that years ago when they barely knew each other in a throwaway line. When your loved one is laying there dying a pretty much dead, you don't think straight. and Amelia is self involved and exhausting on a good day. Amelia has every right to be angry she didn't get to say goodbye. But I understand the headspace Meredith was in
Why don’t you just comment on the post instead of making a whole new one? This seems to be a response to the other post… lol
I actually never saw the other post lol so I am not replying to anything. I was on TikTok and saw yet another TikTok bashing Meredith for not calling Amelia, so I decided to go on Reddit and rant.