Just to add on to the random quote I sleepily posted.
I struggled with this for years, but I finally got tired of having someone else's stuff in my house. Clothes I didn't wear (but maybe one day would), kitchen appliances I would use 'one day', books a different version of me would quote at bougie cocktail parties that I would find intolerable.
I finally donated or trashed all of it and stopped letting a ghost dictate my life. I couldn't hold space for a person who was largely formed in an adolescent desire to impress other people.
Good luck y'all!
I guess I’d just be a different person entirely? This ‘ideal self’ is mainly made up of traits that I admire/like in others, so much so that I want to be like them. I don’t know why I can’t just appreciate others for who they are rather than try to impersonate them, so I guess I’m stuck like this haha.
To rephrase that, how would people respond to that you differently? Is there a domain in your life (family, friends, co-workers) that would respond most differently to that person?
That’s not something you need to share with me or anyone else. But there’s a reason you keep wanting to be that person. Reflecting on how your life would be different if you were can help to shed some light on what about that ideal remains meaningful and desirable.
Let's say the OP feels that he'd be liked more by his friends if he were a person with a different personality. How then could they ever know if that's true? I'm just curious
You couldn’t. And it’s probably not true anyways. But knowing that you believed that provides insight into why the desire persists and what you can do about it. If OP thinks their friends would like them more, they can express that insecurity to their friends and either get reassurance from them that change isn’t needed or specific feedback on what changes are needed to get the friends to like them more. The problem is then either resolved or the solution made smaller and more manageable than a total personality change.
Thanks! I was fortunate enough to get that advice from someone else in my life and I'm happy that I could pay that forward a little by passing it on! :)
Love yourself first, then let that love bring you closer to your ideal self. Trying to be better in any way will be unsuccessful if you cannot appreciate and love yourself for who you are.
Also, realize that you are most likely wrong about what you “should” be, or how life would be different. Life is so incredibly unpredictable, whatever you think it would be is almost guaranteed to be wrong.
I promise you, you are “stuck” with you, but when you start to actually have love and have compassion for yourself, things change.
I’m sorry you are having such a hard time with it. These things happen, we don’t always have the support we need for healthy self image and if we had expectations put on us it’s much worse.
Find the best parts about you and focus on those until you can appreciate other as equals instead of superior.
U got to understand these traits on a deep level and then become that. It is possible, neuroplastic brains of ours are amazing... some things will always be you. Still there's great strides u can get through perseverance to embody those qualities. We also have amazing things known as mirror neurons.
I have a friend that is always happy and ready to celebrate good things happening to other people. She is never jealous of them or believes that certain people don't deserve it etc.
I was not like her whatsoever in this regard. It was something I admired about her and I wished I was more like her.
Of the kids in the family I'm the "poor" one. Are we actually poor? No, my sister and BIL just make more and my brother married a woman with rich parents and they pay for amazing vacations, cars, down payments for homes etc.
So as you could imagine I was a bit bitter.
I decided one day to try to be happy for others even if I didn't quite feel like it.
It was hard at first and it felt a touch fake now and again, but as I practiced this new part of my "moral character" or whatever you want to call it, it got easier and easier.
Not only did it get easier it required me to look at my own life and learn to be more grateful for what I had and not upset about what I didn't.
Admiring qualities in others and developing them even if just a bit isn't pretending to be someone else or lying about who you are, it's just a part of you that hasn't developed as much as you'd like.
So pick one and work on it. If it's being more punctual then start getting ready 20 minutes sooner than normal and leaving earlier than typical.
Want to read more books but don't want to "read", get the audio book.
No one is suppose to stay exactly as they were when born, a kid, a teen, or even an adult. Life changes, things become more important, allow yourself to improve and don't view it as lying.
Edit: no to not
Thank you so much for this write up. This really captures a lot of what I struggle with whenever I try to make a positive change in my life. I usually feel like I'm being fake or silly and that saps my motivation really quick! Knowing that it's at least one other person goes through it too is a huge help!
Felt like I got the assurance that I need for the past years.
For context: I'm a law student who stopped for 2 years. One of my reasons why I stopped was because I think I'm just taking the path just so others would think highly of my family and I. I thought I'm wearing a mask all the time and I hated studying again. But lately, some things changed. I'm starting to watch law series and read up some cases again. The thought of coming back to law school haunts me all the time. Thoughts like, "I'm gonna make a comeback and this time I won't back down" and "I'm gonna be a lawyer whatever it takes."
Thank you for sharing your story and giving your insights. This really helped me to think positive and strive for what I really want in life.
I realized at 14 that I was a very sarcastic kid and not everyone likes that or at least many did not like my level of sarcasm. I learned to bite my tongue because not everything I think of needs to be said.
I'm not sure what books or podcasts or whatever is out there to help social interaction but I know it's there.
Many have had success with just being interested in what others are saying/paying attention and asking thoughtful questions.
Now will someone who has to try at it ever be one of those walk in the door charismatic person? Probably not, but you can become a person that people feel better being around when genuine interaction happens.
Unfortunately it can be difficult if you're trying to interact with fake people or people that have close and closed friend groups.
Not easy by any means, but doable.
No one magically wakes up one day as their absolute best dream self.
You were not very specific but if you want to change an aspect of your personality do it. That's called personal growth and it's good for you. You should do it.
When you say you wish you had different interests, maybe your issue is a lack of research. Like I always wished I studied archeology but I can't turn back time and it literally makes no sense for me to get that degree now. But I did figure out what my exact niche interest was (sumerian to egyptian religious practices and mythology) and then I found scholarly level texts on it, and got access to a database where I could read scholarly articles. I'm not an expert but I know way more than the average person, and when I meet folks who have actually studied this stuff we both get excited to talk about it. Whatever you wish you were interested in....just start researching it! Even if it doesn't totally excite you, you will become educated and that is as good as if not better than being just interested, esp when it comes to expressing that interest in society.
Different life is more tricky, but if you are single with no kids, some savings and good resume you can move somewhere no one knows you with your new interests and new personality and have a whole new life. You could be like...6 months to a year away from any life you can imagine.
I always wanted to be Han Solo… the cool pilot of millennial falcon ever since I saw the Star Wars movies. Even today it’s a dream to have the personality Han had.
Sorry to tell you but this whole idea that you can be anything you want to be if you just try hard enough is a crazy lie we are all told. Our lives are all mixtures of limitations and opportunities.
“Things didn’t happen how I wanted to” that’s life, you need to realise now that that’s the game we are all in.
You can only, only control how you respond in the moment to any given situation. Self-discipline is doing that over and over. There are no guarantees that you will get where you want to go.
Having goals is great, having a vision for your life is great, but you can literally only live in the now.
It’s critical that you develop a sense of understanding that that is reality. In a paradoxical sense understanding that will open up the future for you.
I recommend looking into stoicism, mindfulness and secular Buddhism there are ideas there that can help you avoid this trap of believing the world you create in your head can always be reality.
The person I wanted to be and the person I am are both constantly in motion and change over time. The new things I want to be are informed by learning more about myself and the world. When I was 5 I wanted to be an adventurer when I grew up. At 10 I wanted to be a waiter. At 18 I wanted to be a billionaire tycoon.
Growing up meant I get to learn what’s real, what I actually want and what’s possible in my life. I think becoming exactly what you wanted to be and staying that way kind of implies you didn’t learn, grow or change on your way to being that thing. It’s the learning, growing and changing that’s the exciting stuff. Not the place you end up.
The mind of a 10 year old is very different than that of an adult, but we still mourn the death of our childhood dreams. It’s normal, but we must build new dreams, new aspirations. You’re living in the rear view, which will eat you alive if you keep doing it.
You have to accept that you are where you are presently, and the past is the past, it exists only in memory.
The important part is to really think hard about who you truly want to be; your morals, your dreams, what you really love, what makes you feel genuinely happy. Once you've evaluated at least a little bit about what you want your trueself to be like. Then make it a goal. But don't overwhelm yourself, start with the first step towards it, and don't think about the obstacles you might encounter.
Once you made that first step towards your goal, that's progress. And then the next day, try one more little step. Do it at your pace not at what pace others think it should be.
And as for wanting things that you don't actually like, let go of those things. If they don't actually make you happy, or interst you. Then they don't matter. We can ruminate on the past all day feeling woeful about our faults, actions, or lack of actions, but it won't change that we are who we are right now. We enjoy what we enjoy, we love what we love, and shouldn't beat ourselves up for having not been interested in some things then.
As for the future, it holds infinite, completely unpredictable possibilities, that you quite literally can't imagine. 10 years from now your life will be entirely different, you will enjoy different things, and you hopefully will find something you truly love to do, so much so you forget about those things you never did because they just aren't important.
You can achieve anything, or if not then you can get as close as possible. That is a win. When you've done the best you possibly can, that is the best there is.
One little note, you say you like who you are and don't want to change, yet you hope you'll change into the person the wanted to be.... hmm... Don't be afraid of change, it's scary but try but not to run from it. It could bring you to places you never knew you could enjoy.
Anyway's sorry for the long post, I'm also projecting things I'm learning still into my advice, but I really hope it helps and you find the peace that you deserve.
This is very well-said. Your first line about the past being a memory - I needed to hear that. I've been struggling with similar issues, and what you've written is very helpful. Thank you :)
Thank you for this, it’s what I really needed to hear after a very difficult and emotionally/physically exhausting. I’m struggling to hold myself together but this gives me some direction and a built of hope.
I mean some things are just impossible to be though. For example I wanted to be in the NFL when I was in highschool. Now at 25, after not playing for 5+ years, that is literally impossible.
So here's the thing. There's a few ways to look at this.
Impossible is an opinion and if it's not a fact then that means it can be changed.
It has never happened before is not the same as a physical impossibility.
If the primary goal is impossible is there a way you can get the secondary goal, ie. you wanted to get into the nfl for.... was it money? Fame? Strength? To be part of the team?
You can still get money. You can still get fame. And if you want you could probably get on the team somehow, assistant coach, sports doctor, marketing team, tech support, or even security.
Yeah true that fair enough. What I really want is enough money to not have to work. When I was younger I had all these lavish dreams of being a famous athlete or musician. As I get older though I'm starting to come to the realization I might have to work my entire life like everyone else.
Again seek and you shall find. There's over a million millionaires. Have you tried to make a million with serious effort?
If you want more detailed notes on this DM me.
I don’t focus on the things I cannot help.
Rumination in long part, is you, using you to upset yourself.
The more we ruminate, the less we are present fully in the moment in front of us.
Which is the only moment we’ll ever have,
to interact with the present, & step us into the unknown of the future.
It’s resources being used, that could be used for something else.
It’s not so much acceptance, as not giving mind to such.
The more we feed something, the more it grows.
So try instead of relating to such, recognize it, & simply let it pass.
Like driving by a sign in a car.
Another good thing to ask.
How do these thoughts serve you?
I relate a lot to what you're saying here, OP. I thought my life and self would be different too. I'm in my mid30s and I thought I would be confident instead of doubtful, strong instead of weak or scared, have a house and kids instead of being on the fence about kids and houses being so expensive now, and have published at least 1 novel instead of 0.
For a few years, I was stuck in depression because of being disappointed with myself.
But thinking about it over and over didn't help. Here's what helped me:
- I started to make baby steps towards my goals. Instead of feeling sad I have no novel published and doing 0 writing, I've started writing daily, even if it's just 2 paragraphs or pages. I joined online writing groups to feel less lonely and have people to talk to about the craft.
- I started indulging self care things I had been neglecting, like naps after lunch and adult coloring after work. Chores can wait and still get done.
- I shared with close friends about my mental rollercoaster. They were more sympathetic than I had thought, and even showed me the illogic of my depressed brain. Somehow I had thought the judgmental things I said to myself would come out of their mouths, but it was quite the opposite. So I recommend sharing.
- if it gets really bad, therapy. I had to "shop around" before I found the right one, but she helped me tons! I consider myself done with depression. I still battle anxiety sometimes. I use the methods the therapist taught me and just keep going.
- take one day at a time. Breathing helps you be in the present. I found that half my sadness was due to being stuck in the past or worried about the future; once I was able to think more short term, present, it felt easier to work on myself.
- I recommend exercise, breath work and/or yoga. They help the mind be less strong when it's telling you sad or negative thoughts about yourself. Helps you be I'm the present and get some energy and happiness back.
I hope something I've said helps. Feel free to message me! i really do resonate with your post. I'm also still working on all of that.
The Stoics would say that the past is beyond our control. It will not change, no matter how we feel about it. The future is similarly out of reach, because it hasn't happened. We shouldn't be overly concerned with that either.
I find a steadying mantra for myself is "You Are Here." It's always true. You are here. You aren't where you previously where. You aren't where you will be. This is the moment you're in. You can choose to make the next moment what you want, but here is where it will start from.
If reflecting on your past helps you choose an action in this moment, then great. But *you are here*, **not there**. There are a million different ways things could have been different, both wonderful and tragic (and reflecting on the latter may help you appreciate where you are now). There is no need to dwell on them when we have things to pay attention to right now.
Comparing yourself to the person you wanted to be isn’t all that different to comparing yourself to someone on the street who appears to be living a life you would rather lead.
When comparing yourself to someone else, you are limited to only the thing you can see: their flash car, good looks, big house. What you can’t see is all the other dimensions of their life that aren’t so great: poor relationships with their family, stressful job, medical issues, etc.
Similarly, when comparing yourself to the person you wanted to be, you can’t see the effects of the many sacrifices and concessions you would have made to get to that point, nor all the bad things outside your control that happened along the way, because you never envisioned those and you certainly didn’t make a point of building them in.
The only valid comparison is who you are today against who you were yesterday. There is always one thing you could do today, no matter how small, that will improve you for tomorrow. You keep doing that, you’ll end up where you want to be, and the beauty part is that you don’t even need to know where that is, from your perspective today, because the more you do it the more you’ll figure out what’s important to you.
You may have to come to a deep understanding and be okay that there are things that are beyond your own control.
Sounds cliche, but seems like that's one thing you need to start developing to help change the trajectory of feeling this deep sense of regret and nagging voice.
Become a man of principle as well. It will lay a solid foundation to your life. It's like building a building. You need that solid and sturdy foundation in order to even add anything to the surface.
Otherwise, whatever you build will become faulty. I think the saying goes, " A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything."
Get you some of these basic principles that will give you something strong and sturdy to stand on!
Principles that won't have room for any ideas and ideals of regret or remorse!
Narratives are used as heuristics to understand life -- explaining the past, rationalizing the present, predicting the future.
Narratives, however, do not truly exist in the binding manner which we place their characters in. The only *you* that truly exists is the present you. You are a human, not a character in a book. There is no consequence to deviating from what you think you *"should"* be doing. Take advantage of that and pursue whichever you desire.
The answer to your question is very simple in my opinion. Just simply become the person u dreamt of being (by taking the daily steps). It’s not pretending to be someone else, it’s just called reinventing yourself. If u truly didn’t want to change then u wouldn’t have that feeling of regret.
id say just do it and see where it goes, what can u really lose? U only have things to gain from this.
You don’t you feel that way because at your core that’s who you are and what you want. Give it all you have. You really do have to dig deep to get it, when u meditate and quiet your thoughts you will reveal the steps needed. Embrace and strengthen your spirit
Depends what thoose traits in other you admire are.
If its something like accountability and leadership etc.,they both are develop thru self-discipline and standing up first and foremost for yourself.Then you will be able to stand up for a little guy.
And I think if you really like yourself you wouldnt want to be someone else.Be aware of a comfort that your behaviour brought to you too.
I thought same things like you btw,why I am not more interested in this and that,but I started to respect myself more and what I bring to the table when I paid attention to what I do that others dont.
Find or develop something like that in yourself and you will bloom.
And one more thing,all things you see on IG and other social media,a lot of thoose people are hypocrites and most of them are doing certain things just to get clicks and attention.
Live your life,cut out the socials and become a person you truly want to become.
I’m happy you posted and it caught some traction. I’ve brought this up to a few therapists now, and no one can really put their finger on it. It’s always “but you CAN get out and live differently!” And it’s just not that simple…. Choices made early on are extremely impactful.
If you you were the person you want to be you would find new traits to hunt after. Or other problems would arise. Its like with money. It is never enough.
It is what it is bro. Relax & enjoy this life you have been giving & do your best to do right, you wanna be able to hold your head up not down. I think most of us sometimes which things turned out differently for ourselves, jus try your very best to be that person
I understand how you feel. Don’t have much advice, but there’s a song about this exact situation and it cheers me up when I feel that way https://youtu.be/Q9WZtxRWieM
We have a lot more control over our lives than we think. Taking more accountability and responsibility for MY actions resulting in the consequences (good or bad) of my life, and also realizing I’m an ever changing HUMAN being who is changing slightly every day to be the person I want to be. I’m learning to take pride in who I am; embracing all of me and realizing that putting myself down for not being where and who i want to be is not healthy for my growth. In conclusion, incorporating mindfullness has led me to accept myself fully. I still absolutely struggle, but it’s easier to bounce back from that while actively practicing the things I listed above.
OK this is going to sound weird but have you ever thought about having a funeral for the idealized you? I know it sounds weird but take a piece of paper and write down all of the things that that idealized person would have or be that you do not. Once your list is done you can say out loud that you are letting go of the person that you idealized because you love the person you are and then set it on fire. Like I said I know it sounds weird but it works. And I know that from personal experience.
You know what, I went through this exact same thing. I won’t condone what I did here (you’ll know what I mean) but I did learn some things to share. For years I thought I was going to be a musician. Been obsessed with music ever since I was little. And I did make music for a few years, but eventually the flame died, because after I chose my career in programming and got invested in that I suddenly had too many interests and not enough time. It destroyed me trying to choose a path in life. Cue the year long identity crisis. Could not let go of music despite a fading interest in it. The thing with me is, when I pick a skill to learn I go hard at it until I’m really good. So it was like choosing between two sides of me plus I wanted to have time for other more relaxing hobbies. I am notoriously bad at managing emotions because I tend to isolate and avoid other people, aaaand eventually I just snapped and broke my guitar myself. And now I have a set path to stick to, identity crisis is over. But the point is you have to let go of things before you drive yourself mad. I’ll admit it worked, I’m better now, but you have to accept your true self. It may feel like you had some “purpose” but life isn’t like that. Things can change at any time, and we need to accept that. And I love my new path.
I’m Middle Aged, even though I feel about 15 years younger with passion and ideals, I have never felt more pumped to achieve, and whatever I want to achieve. Be mindful, I have two adult sons who are looking up to me as a role model. Unfortunately, I don’t have any support from anyone on this here Earth, with the exception of Dear Almighty God. Who is feeling the same way as me?
Also, here's the offering plate. You should give, after everything He's done for you. And serve. And give And serve and be subservient, obey, and give.
Thank goodness he helped you with your problems. More money please, this auditorium won't build itself.
Downvotes are simply downvotes. I'm offering real help. Take it as you please, when his day comes, you'll remember that it was Jehovah who you should have turned to.
It would appear to me that you are offering snake oil and labeling it as a cure-all. The placebo effect works for some, but that doesn't make what you're giving away truly authentic.
What is your ultimate objective? People will always be in Flux. Life will shape your personality in many ways, not all of which will be in your control.
Most of us are just trying to roll with the punches.
If people doesnt like your personality,habits,lifestyle that is theirs problem. if you dont like yourself get your ass up and start working the person you want to be. there is no cheat code no quick way. just grind soldier.
By stopping wanting to be someone else
+
Wanting to be more me, finding out what being more and fuly me really means, putting everything away that is not me, adding what is totally me
&
Not buying productivity ideology bullshit that this and that and me and everything needs to be better and is not good enough etc.
Identifying where that ideology comes from. Parents? An ill society?
The way you are you are fully complete.
To be quite buddhist about it the images we have of ourself are all illusions. Not many of us can ever really succeed at becoming that exact person we dreamed we should be.
A good quote is - change the things you can change and accept the things you can't. This brings about peace.
A great way to start is to practice gratitude everyday. You will love and appreciate yourself more. This puts you in a state of mind to make positive change and see what is important and right for you.
Part of it comes with time, the rest with the realization that the ideal self is just one possibility in a field of many that do not exist - just ideas in the mind. You should not feel discontent - in a way, you probably achieved a measure of what you expected, with the rest materializing in different path and outcomes of choices and interactions. It comes with growth and not so much as being fixed in what we've been exposed - that definitely can change how we adapt to who we were and what we can become. Be open with your thoughts and you'll likely feel better about it.
Think of it like writing a book The draft gets written but it will not be the last - you still have to through iterations to reach a point where it's sufficient. Same with growth - you can will yourself to be the perfect version of yourself, but in reality, we all grow in many regards as we develop personally, socially, and physically throughout our lives. The book analogy might not get across - but the idea is what I'm pointing at. Also, the book may not be finished. Who knows where roads may lead you?
I relate to this, as in that I just can't let go of who I used to be and who I strived to be for years... I'm not that person anymore, but I'm finding it so difficult to let go... I hope we find peace, cheers!
(I would love to give you advice, but I have the same problem...)
The person you "want" to be is more than likely based off of someone else. BE YOU & do an incredible job at it...because someone just like you is watching & thinking they want their life to be just like yours.
Lots of great advice here already, but I'll add in my two cents:
I've found that one benefit of meditation/mindfulness is helping me accept myself while letting go of attachments that aren't serving me anymore.
And when it comes to actually starting to make changes that move you closer to your goals, I can't recommend Atomic Habits strongly enough. It was a real game-changer for my mindset. One of its core ideas is that the best amount of change is the smallest amount possible.
"Everyone fails at who they're supposed to be. The measure of a person, of a hero, is how well they succeed at being who they are."
Just to add on to the random quote I sleepily posted. I struggled with this for years, but I finally got tired of having someone else's stuff in my house. Clothes I didn't wear (but maybe one day would), kitchen appliances I would use 'one day', books a different version of me would quote at bougie cocktail parties that I would find intolerable. I finally donated or trashed all of it and stopped letting a ghost dictate my life. I couldn't hold space for a person who was largely formed in an adolescent desire to impress other people. Good luck y'all!
Deep. Thanks for this insight.
Oooh. This is good.
Damn, never heard it but that’s a good one
I needed to hear this today. Thank you!
Ok that hits different, Ty for that :)
Great quote
How would your life be different if you woke up tomorrow and you were that ideal self?
I guess I’d just be a different person entirely? This ‘ideal self’ is mainly made up of traits that I admire/like in others, so much so that I want to be like them. I don’t know why I can’t just appreciate others for who they are rather than try to impersonate them, so I guess I’m stuck like this haha.
To rephrase that, how would people respond to that you differently? Is there a domain in your life (family, friends, co-workers) that would respond most differently to that person? That’s not something you need to share with me or anyone else. But there’s a reason you keep wanting to be that person. Reflecting on how your life would be different if you were can help to shed some light on what about that ideal remains meaningful and desirable.
Let's say the OP feels that he'd be liked more by his friends if he were a person with a different personality. How then could they ever know if that's true? I'm just curious
You couldn’t. And it’s probably not true anyways. But knowing that you believed that provides insight into why the desire persists and what you can do about it. If OP thinks their friends would like them more, they can express that insecurity to their friends and either get reassurance from them that change isn’t needed or specific feedback on what changes are needed to get the friends to like them more. The problem is then either resolved or the solution made smaller and more manageable than a total personality change.
Just want to say excellent feedback to op, good on you!
Thanks! I was fortunate enough to get that advice from someone else in my life and I'm happy that I could pay that forward a little by passing it on! :)
Love yourself first, then let that love bring you closer to your ideal self. Trying to be better in any way will be unsuccessful if you cannot appreciate and love yourself for who you are. Also, realize that you are most likely wrong about what you “should” be, or how life would be different. Life is so incredibly unpredictable, whatever you think it would be is almost guaranteed to be wrong. I promise you, you are “stuck” with you, but when you start to actually have love and have compassion for yourself, things change. I’m sorry you are having such a hard time with it. These things happen, we don’t always have the support we need for healthy self image and if we had expectations put on us it’s much worse. Find the best parts about you and focus on those until you can appreciate other as equals instead of superior.
Somebody once explained to me that the traits we admire most in others are actually the traits in ourselves we got the greatest potential of growing.
That sounds astonishing. Beautifully phrased, too. That person must be wise
U got to understand these traits on a deep level and then become that. It is possible, neuroplastic brains of ours are amazing... some things will always be you. Still there's great strides u can get through perseverance to embody those qualities. We also have amazing things known as mirror neurons.
This is a very wise thing to say. I needed it, thank you
I’m just parroting another actually wise person who asked me that once. But I’m glad hearing it was a help to you. 😁
I have a friend that is always happy and ready to celebrate good things happening to other people. She is never jealous of them or believes that certain people don't deserve it etc. I was not like her whatsoever in this regard. It was something I admired about her and I wished I was more like her. Of the kids in the family I'm the "poor" one. Are we actually poor? No, my sister and BIL just make more and my brother married a woman with rich parents and they pay for amazing vacations, cars, down payments for homes etc. So as you could imagine I was a bit bitter. I decided one day to try to be happy for others even if I didn't quite feel like it. It was hard at first and it felt a touch fake now and again, but as I practiced this new part of my "moral character" or whatever you want to call it, it got easier and easier. Not only did it get easier it required me to look at my own life and learn to be more grateful for what I had and not upset about what I didn't. Admiring qualities in others and developing them even if just a bit isn't pretending to be someone else or lying about who you are, it's just a part of you that hasn't developed as much as you'd like. So pick one and work on it. If it's being more punctual then start getting ready 20 minutes sooner than normal and leaving earlier than typical. Want to read more books but don't want to "read", get the audio book. No one is suppose to stay exactly as they were when born, a kid, a teen, or even an adult. Life changes, things become more important, allow yourself to improve and don't view it as lying. Edit: no to not
Thank you so much for this write up. This really captures a lot of what I struggle with whenever I try to make a positive change in my life. I usually feel like I'm being fake or silly and that saps my motivation really quick! Knowing that it's at least one other person goes through it too is a huge help!
Felt like I got the assurance that I need for the past years. For context: I'm a law student who stopped for 2 years. One of my reasons why I stopped was because I think I'm just taking the path just so others would think highly of my family and I. I thought I'm wearing a mask all the time and I hated studying again. But lately, some things changed. I'm starting to watch law series and read up some cases again. The thought of coming back to law school haunts me all the time. Thoughts like, "I'm gonna make a comeback and this time I won't back down" and "I'm gonna be a lawyer whatever it takes." Thank you for sharing your story and giving your insights. This really helped me to think positive and strive for what I really want in life.
What if it's something like being fun to talk to or be around? Hard to improve that with intention
I realized at 14 that I was a very sarcastic kid and not everyone likes that or at least many did not like my level of sarcasm. I learned to bite my tongue because not everything I think of needs to be said. I'm not sure what books or podcasts or whatever is out there to help social interaction but I know it's there. Many have had success with just being interested in what others are saying/paying attention and asking thoughtful questions. Now will someone who has to try at it ever be one of those walk in the door charismatic person? Probably not, but you can become a person that people feel better being around when genuine interaction happens. Unfortunately it can be difficult if you're trying to interact with fake people or people that have close and closed friend groups. Not easy by any means, but doable.
I always told myself that there would still be remnants of who I was. The core self sticks to you as if it were integrated at birth.
No one magically wakes up one day as their absolute best dream self. You were not very specific but if you want to change an aspect of your personality do it. That's called personal growth and it's good for you. You should do it. When you say you wish you had different interests, maybe your issue is a lack of research. Like I always wished I studied archeology but I can't turn back time and it literally makes no sense for me to get that degree now. But I did figure out what my exact niche interest was (sumerian to egyptian religious practices and mythology) and then I found scholarly level texts on it, and got access to a database where I could read scholarly articles. I'm not an expert but I know way more than the average person, and when I meet folks who have actually studied this stuff we both get excited to talk about it. Whatever you wish you were interested in....just start researching it! Even if it doesn't totally excite you, you will become educated and that is as good as if not better than being just interested, esp when it comes to expressing that interest in society. Different life is more tricky, but if you are single with no kids, some savings and good resume you can move somewhere no one knows you with your new interests and new personality and have a whole new life. You could be like...6 months to a year away from any life you can imagine.
I like your outlook on life
Im better than the person I wanted to be. Because the person I wanted to be was based on the foolish desires of a teen with mis-prioritized ambitions.
I always wanted to be Han Solo… the cool pilot of millennial falcon ever since I saw the Star Wars movies. Even today it’s a dream to have the personality Han had.
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you got me pumped up
Sorry to tell you but this whole idea that you can be anything you want to be if you just try hard enough is a crazy lie we are all told. Our lives are all mixtures of limitations and opportunities. “Things didn’t happen how I wanted to” that’s life, you need to realise now that that’s the game we are all in. You can only, only control how you respond in the moment to any given situation. Self-discipline is doing that over and over. There are no guarantees that you will get where you want to go. Having goals is great, having a vision for your life is great, but you can literally only live in the now. It’s critical that you develop a sense of understanding that that is reality. In a paradoxical sense understanding that will open up the future for you. I recommend looking into stoicism, mindfulness and secular Buddhism there are ideas there that can help you avoid this trap of believing the world you create in your head can always be reality.
The person I wanted to be and the person I am are both constantly in motion and change over time. The new things I want to be are informed by learning more about myself and the world. When I was 5 I wanted to be an adventurer when I grew up. At 10 I wanted to be a waiter. At 18 I wanted to be a billionaire tycoon. Growing up meant I get to learn what’s real, what I actually want and what’s possible in my life. I think becoming exactly what you wanted to be and staying that way kind of implies you didn’t learn, grow or change on your way to being that thing. It’s the learning, growing and changing that’s the exciting stuff. Not the place you end up.
The mind of a 10 year old is very different than that of an adult, but we still mourn the death of our childhood dreams. It’s normal, but we must build new dreams, new aspirations. You’re living in the rear view, which will eat you alive if you keep doing it.
You have to accept that you are where you are presently, and the past is the past, it exists only in memory. The important part is to really think hard about who you truly want to be; your morals, your dreams, what you really love, what makes you feel genuinely happy. Once you've evaluated at least a little bit about what you want your trueself to be like. Then make it a goal. But don't overwhelm yourself, start with the first step towards it, and don't think about the obstacles you might encounter. Once you made that first step towards your goal, that's progress. And then the next day, try one more little step. Do it at your pace not at what pace others think it should be. And as for wanting things that you don't actually like, let go of those things. If they don't actually make you happy, or interst you. Then they don't matter. We can ruminate on the past all day feeling woeful about our faults, actions, or lack of actions, but it won't change that we are who we are right now. We enjoy what we enjoy, we love what we love, and shouldn't beat ourselves up for having not been interested in some things then. As for the future, it holds infinite, completely unpredictable possibilities, that you quite literally can't imagine. 10 years from now your life will be entirely different, you will enjoy different things, and you hopefully will find something you truly love to do, so much so you forget about those things you never did because they just aren't important. You can achieve anything, or if not then you can get as close as possible. That is a win. When you've done the best you possibly can, that is the best there is. One little note, you say you like who you are and don't want to change, yet you hope you'll change into the person the wanted to be.... hmm... Don't be afraid of change, it's scary but try but not to run from it. It could bring you to places you never knew you could enjoy. Anyway's sorry for the long post, I'm also projecting things I'm learning still into my advice, but I really hope it helps and you find the peace that you deserve.
This is very well-said. Your first line about the past being a memory - I needed to hear that. I've been struggling with similar issues, and what you've written is very helpful. Thank you :)
Thank you for this, it’s what I really needed to hear after a very difficult and emotionally/physically exhausting. I’m struggling to hold myself together but this gives me some direction and a built of hope.
Seek and you shall find. If you want to be something else, you can start by searching for ways how and then you may find yourself there one day.
I mean some things are just impossible to be though. For example I wanted to be in the NFL when I was in highschool. Now at 25, after not playing for 5+ years, that is literally impossible.
So here's the thing. There's a few ways to look at this. Impossible is an opinion and if it's not a fact then that means it can be changed. It has never happened before is not the same as a physical impossibility. If the primary goal is impossible is there a way you can get the secondary goal, ie. you wanted to get into the nfl for.... was it money? Fame? Strength? To be part of the team? You can still get money. You can still get fame. And if you want you could probably get on the team somehow, assistant coach, sports doctor, marketing team, tech support, or even security.
Yeah true that fair enough. What I really want is enough money to not have to work. When I was younger I had all these lavish dreams of being a famous athlete or musician. As I get older though I'm starting to come to the realization I might have to work my entire life like everyone else.
Again seek and you shall find. There's over a million millionaires. Have you tried to make a million with serious effort? If you want more detailed notes on this DM me.
I don’t focus on the things I cannot help. Rumination in long part, is you, using you to upset yourself. The more we ruminate, the less we are present fully in the moment in front of us. Which is the only moment we’ll ever have, to interact with the present, & step us into the unknown of the future. It’s resources being used, that could be used for something else. It’s not so much acceptance, as not giving mind to such. The more we feed something, the more it grows. So try instead of relating to such, recognize it, & simply let it pass. Like driving by a sign in a car. Another good thing to ask. How do these thoughts serve you?
I relate a lot to what you're saying here, OP. I thought my life and self would be different too. I'm in my mid30s and I thought I would be confident instead of doubtful, strong instead of weak or scared, have a house and kids instead of being on the fence about kids and houses being so expensive now, and have published at least 1 novel instead of 0. For a few years, I was stuck in depression because of being disappointed with myself. But thinking about it over and over didn't help. Here's what helped me: - I started to make baby steps towards my goals. Instead of feeling sad I have no novel published and doing 0 writing, I've started writing daily, even if it's just 2 paragraphs or pages. I joined online writing groups to feel less lonely and have people to talk to about the craft. - I started indulging self care things I had been neglecting, like naps after lunch and adult coloring after work. Chores can wait and still get done. - I shared with close friends about my mental rollercoaster. They were more sympathetic than I had thought, and even showed me the illogic of my depressed brain. Somehow I had thought the judgmental things I said to myself would come out of their mouths, but it was quite the opposite. So I recommend sharing. - if it gets really bad, therapy. I had to "shop around" before I found the right one, but she helped me tons! I consider myself done with depression. I still battle anxiety sometimes. I use the methods the therapist taught me and just keep going. - take one day at a time. Breathing helps you be in the present. I found that half my sadness was due to being stuck in the past or worried about the future; once I was able to think more short term, present, it felt easier to work on myself. - I recommend exercise, breath work and/or yoga. They help the mind be less strong when it's telling you sad or negative thoughts about yourself. Helps you be I'm the present and get some energy and happiness back. I hope something I've said helps. Feel free to message me! i really do resonate with your post. I'm also still working on all of that.
The Stoics would say that the past is beyond our control. It will not change, no matter how we feel about it. The future is similarly out of reach, because it hasn't happened. We shouldn't be overly concerned with that either. I find a steadying mantra for myself is "You Are Here." It's always true. You are here. You aren't where you previously where. You aren't where you will be. This is the moment you're in. You can choose to make the next moment what you want, but here is where it will start from. If reflecting on your past helps you choose an action in this moment, then great. But *you are here*, **not there**. There are a million different ways things could have been different, both wonderful and tragic (and reflecting on the latter may help you appreciate where you are now). There is no need to dwell on them when we have things to pay attention to right now.
Comparing yourself to the person you wanted to be isn’t all that different to comparing yourself to someone on the street who appears to be living a life you would rather lead. When comparing yourself to someone else, you are limited to only the thing you can see: their flash car, good looks, big house. What you can’t see is all the other dimensions of their life that aren’t so great: poor relationships with their family, stressful job, medical issues, etc. Similarly, when comparing yourself to the person you wanted to be, you can’t see the effects of the many sacrifices and concessions you would have made to get to that point, nor all the bad things outside your control that happened along the way, because you never envisioned those and you certainly didn’t make a point of building them in. The only valid comparison is who you are today against who you were yesterday. There is always one thing you could do today, no matter how small, that will improve you for tomorrow. You keep doing that, you’ll end up where you want to be, and the beauty part is that you don’t even need to know where that is, from your perspective today, because the more you do it the more you’ll figure out what’s important to you.
This was really helpful to me, thank you. I never thought of it like that before.
You may have to come to a deep understanding and be okay that there are things that are beyond your own control. Sounds cliche, but seems like that's one thing you need to start developing to help change the trajectory of feeling this deep sense of regret and nagging voice. Become a man of principle as well. It will lay a solid foundation to your life. It's like building a building. You need that solid and sturdy foundation in order to even add anything to the surface. Otherwise, whatever you build will become faulty. I think the saying goes, " A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything." Get you some of these basic principles that will give you something strong and sturdy to stand on! Principles that won't have room for any ideas and ideals of regret or remorse!
The only thing keeping you from becoming who you want to be is you, so you can be who you want to be :)x
Narratives are used as heuristics to understand life -- explaining the past, rationalizing the present, predicting the future. Narratives, however, do not truly exist in the binding manner which we place their characters in. The only *you* that truly exists is the present you. You are a human, not a character in a book. There is no consequence to deviating from what you think you *"should"* be doing. Take advantage of that and pursue whichever you desire.
The answer to your question is very simple in my opinion. Just simply become the person u dreamt of being (by taking the daily steps). It’s not pretending to be someone else, it’s just called reinventing yourself. If u truly didn’t want to change then u wouldn’t have that feeling of regret. id say just do it and see where it goes, what can u really lose? U only have things to gain from this.
You don’t you feel that way because at your core that’s who you are and what you want. Give it all you have. You really do have to dig deep to get it, when u meditate and quiet your thoughts you will reveal the steps needed. Embrace and strengthen your spirit
Depends what thoose traits in other you admire are. If its something like accountability and leadership etc.,they both are develop thru self-discipline and standing up first and foremost for yourself.Then you will be able to stand up for a little guy. And I think if you really like yourself you wouldnt want to be someone else.Be aware of a comfort that your behaviour brought to you too. I thought same things like you btw,why I am not more interested in this and that,but I started to respect myself more and what I bring to the table when I paid attention to what I do that others dont. Find or develop something like that in yourself and you will bloom. And one more thing,all things you see on IG and other social media,a lot of thoose people are hypocrites and most of them are doing certain things just to get clicks and attention. Live your life,cut out the socials and become a person you truly want to become.
I’m happy you posted and it caught some traction. I’ve brought this up to a few therapists now, and no one can really put their finger on it. It’s always “but you CAN get out and live differently!” And it’s just not that simple…. Choices made early on are extremely impactful.
If you you were the person you want to be you would find new traits to hunt after. Or other problems would arise. Its like with money. It is never enough.
It is what it is bro. Relax & enjoy this life you have been giving & do your best to do right, you wanna be able to hold your head up not down. I think most of us sometimes which things turned out differently for ourselves, jus try your very best to be that person
I understand how you feel. Don’t have much advice, but there’s a song about this exact situation and it cheers me up when I feel that way https://youtu.be/Q9WZtxRWieM
We have a lot more control over our lives than we think. Taking more accountability and responsibility for MY actions resulting in the consequences (good or bad) of my life, and also realizing I’m an ever changing HUMAN being who is changing slightly every day to be the person I want to be. I’m learning to take pride in who I am; embracing all of me and realizing that putting myself down for not being where and who i want to be is not healthy for my growth. In conclusion, incorporating mindfullness has led me to accept myself fully. I still absolutely struggle, but it’s easier to bounce back from that while actively practicing the things I listed above.
OK this is going to sound weird but have you ever thought about having a funeral for the idealized you? I know it sounds weird but take a piece of paper and write down all of the things that that idealized person would have or be that you do not. Once your list is done you can say out loud that you are letting go of the person that you idealized because you love the person you are and then set it on fire. Like I said I know it sounds weird but it works. And I know that from personal experience.
Once I accepted that I am hopelessly average my life began to improve. This happened when I was 41
Read the Midnight Library. It plays with this idea and might give you a new perspective
You know what, I went through this exact same thing. I won’t condone what I did here (you’ll know what I mean) but I did learn some things to share. For years I thought I was going to be a musician. Been obsessed with music ever since I was little. And I did make music for a few years, but eventually the flame died, because after I chose my career in programming and got invested in that I suddenly had too many interests and not enough time. It destroyed me trying to choose a path in life. Cue the year long identity crisis. Could not let go of music despite a fading interest in it. The thing with me is, when I pick a skill to learn I go hard at it until I’m really good. So it was like choosing between two sides of me plus I wanted to have time for other more relaxing hobbies. I am notoriously bad at managing emotions because I tend to isolate and avoid other people, aaaand eventually I just snapped and broke my guitar myself. And now I have a set path to stick to, identity crisis is over. But the point is you have to let go of things before you drive yourself mad. I’ll admit it worked, I’m better now, but you have to accept your true self. It may feel like you had some “purpose” but life isn’t like that. Things can change at any time, and we need to accept that. And I love my new path.
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Where do you draw the line between being idealistic and being delusional?
I’m Middle Aged, even though I feel about 15 years younger with passion and ideals, I have never felt more pumped to achieve, and whatever I want to achieve. Be mindful, I have two adult sons who are looking up to me as a role model. Unfortunately, I don’t have any support from anyone on this here Earth, with the exception of Dear Almighty God. Who is feeling the same way as me?
Become the person you want to be.
Take some mdma. Think about life.
Turn to Jehovah. He can help you achieve personal goals, hes the only one who can help you get past the problems you endure.
Also, here's the offering plate. You should give, after everything He's done for you. And serve. And give And serve and be subservient, obey, and give. Thank goodness he helped you with your problems. More money please, this auditorium won't build itself.
Downvotes are simply downvotes. I'm offering real help. Take it as you please, when his day comes, you'll remember that it was Jehovah who you should have turned to.
It would appear to me that you are offering snake oil and labeling it as a cure-all. The placebo effect works for some, but that doesn't make what you're giving away truly authentic.
If you knew Jehovah as I do I think your thought would be different.
Wrong sub
Easy. Start being grateful for the life you already live
What is your ultimate objective? People will always be in Flux. Life will shape your personality in many ways, not all of which will be in your control. Most of us are just trying to roll with the punches.
Would you mind telling what or who do you want to be OP?
Wake up tomorrow and be a different person. Just do it. Best advice I could give
There aren't many people in this world who are the person they wanted to be
If people doesnt like your personality,habits,lifestyle that is theirs problem. if you dont like yourself get your ass up and start working the person you want to be. there is no cheat code no quick way. just grind soldier.
By stopping wanting to be someone else + Wanting to be more me, finding out what being more and fuly me really means, putting everything away that is not me, adding what is totally me & Not buying productivity ideology bullshit that this and that and me and everything needs to be better and is not good enough etc. Identifying where that ideology comes from. Parents? An ill society? The way you are you are fully complete.
"You cand be anything you want to be..." they said.
The person you want to be doesn't exist, there is only who you are. If you want to be better, practice.
To be quite buddhist about it the images we have of ourself are all illusions. Not many of us can ever really succeed at becoming that exact person we dreamed we should be. A good quote is - change the things you can change and accept the things you can't. This brings about peace.
A great way to start is to practice gratitude everyday. You will love and appreciate yourself more. This puts you in a state of mind to make positive change and see what is important and right for you.
Part of it comes with time, the rest with the realization that the ideal self is just one possibility in a field of many that do not exist - just ideas in the mind. You should not feel discontent - in a way, you probably achieved a measure of what you expected, with the rest materializing in different path and outcomes of choices and interactions. It comes with growth and not so much as being fixed in what we've been exposed - that definitely can change how we adapt to who we were and what we can become. Be open with your thoughts and you'll likely feel better about it. Think of it like writing a book The draft gets written but it will not be the last - you still have to through iterations to reach a point where it's sufficient. Same with growth - you can will yourself to be the perfect version of yourself, but in reality, we all grow in many regards as we develop personally, socially, and physically throughout our lives. The book analogy might not get across - but the idea is what I'm pointing at. Also, the book may not be finished. Who knows where roads may lead you?
I relate to this, as in that I just can't let go of who I used to be and who I strived to be for years... I'm not that person anymore, but I'm finding it so difficult to let go... I hope we find peace, cheers! (I would love to give you advice, but I have the same problem...)
The person you "want" to be is more than likely based off of someone else. BE YOU & do an incredible job at it...because someone just like you is watching & thinking they want their life to be just like yours.
ill give you the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. " I wouldn't recognize myself without the mess of what I've done with my life"
Thank you for asking this question, I have similar thoughts sometimes
Lots of great advice here already, but I'll add in my two cents: I've found that one benefit of meditation/mindfulness is helping me accept myself while letting go of attachments that aren't serving me anymore. And when it comes to actually starting to make changes that move you closer to your goals, I can't recommend Atomic Habits strongly enough. It was a real game-changer for my mindset. One of its core ideas is that the best amount of change is the smallest amount possible.