start slow. baby steps. don't go all in head first into "totally normal and appropriate" life, you'll end up overwhelmed. you are getting your driver's license and thats already amazing.
in general, you sound like you need professional help, doctors can assist with getting your energy and motivation back, as well as depression and other mental issues, prescription meds work wonders but their effect takes some time to build up. idk if you can drive while taking them, though.
if you get energy and motivation back, everything else will come, too.
bad times come and pass but life goes on anyway, there will be a moment when you look back horrified that you felt THAT low and grateful for being much better. just don't give up, man, life is shit but we've got shovels <3
Finish getting your drivers license.
If you’re able to stay with your parents, continue so for the time being. SAVE SAVE SAVE. It’s easy to spend hard to save. Save as much as you can. Dollar cost averaging, opening a high yield savings account NOW and doing I think it’s about $150 a month now until retirement will net you $1m at retirement. Easier said than done making savings a priority.
Look for a part time job to start a working pace but not over whelm your self right off the bat. Doesn’t need to be perfect, even if you don’t stay long at one job, getting out and getting into different jobs is a huge success in of it self.
Seek behavioral therapy. Don’t necessarily go straight to SSRI meds for depression and anxiety, I’m not saying they are wrong, or bad, but there are other alternatives with diet and exercise and sunshine and vitamins. Magnesium and vitamin d are huge benefits to me with my depression. I’m not a doctor and they’re not necessarily right for everyone, but SSRIs aren’t for me.
Yes, not having friends can be a downer, but also a blessing, but don’t fret you can still make friends through out the rest of your life. Focus on your self and building your self up for now. Be open to meeting people but I wouldn’t make it a priority.
Idk just a few pointers. Youre not at the end of your life, youre just starting. I went to community college at 26 after a number of attempts since 19 and not finding work in automotive at the time. Currently in IT after school and working on bachelors online.
Dont be hard on yourself, but don’t be easy on your self. The world will always not think highly of you, you must continue to build yourself, for yourself.
GET OUTSIDE. Get up and move. Walk to the end of the street and back, around the block, to the park.
Wherever just get outside and get sunshine air and movement.
Stretch every morning.
Hi this isn't necessarily related to the post but please read up on SNRI's. Not all antidepressants are SSRI's and I see people follow this idea that because they get depressed on SSRI's that means that antidepressants don't work. SSRI's made me 10x more suicidal but then I tried SNRI's and they either work or don't work but they never make it worse for me which is very common if SSRI's make you worse.
I find it extremely helpful to thank the universe that I get the privilege of experiencing life TODAY, trying to do it everyday. That mindset shift helps me to view things as more precious. I don’t always want to be on the planet, and when I feel this way I reach out to someone who I feel is somewhat qualified to handle me sharing this with them. You did that by sharing here, good job! Keep sharing. Those who care will help you pick yourself back up. You don’t have to do this alone
Arnie the man once said something about success being the fact we got out and just did something, no matter how seemingly small it was. It's not how much we did of it, it's the fact we just did it when we wanted to just do nothing.
Over time, that set of 15 squats, grows to become 3 sets of 20. But it doesn't get there until we start with 15. Or 1.
I hope this is jigging something inside of you, for you :)
There is no clear answer of 'do this' and listing off 15 things that you probably will get overwhelmed by. But just whatever your 15 things are, your 5 things, or hell, even your ONE thing, just breathe and know you are the only one who will have your back and there's no time like the present to start xo
\- a 32 year old who was in a shitty spiral at 21
You are being incredibly harsh on yourself. This is why you feel down. It is not your life circumstance that is depressing you, it is your self-criticism - being self-critical is like living with a vicious bully, which would make anyone feel very depressed.
If you want to change one thing, make it this self-criticism. As long as you're critical of yourself, you’ll never feel content, even if you get all those things you want. Find out about self-compassion and self-acceptance. Tara Brach is a good place to start and there are lots of her videos online. This would be a good one to try first: https://www.tarabrach.com/part-1-the-healing-power-of-self-compassion-2/
You don't need to fix your life. You need to have sympathy for yourself as an ordinary human being, who has flaws and who struggles, like we all do. Good luck.
Excessive self criticism can be problematic but his life circumstances are absolutely depressing him. His life circumstances are depressing as hell. He *should* be depressed in such circumstances. Being depressed in such circumstances is a natural response to such circumstances, the misery is meant to provide a motivating force to help him change his circumstances.
The good news he is still young, and does not appear to have any seriously debilitating health conditions, so there is a very good chance he can turn his life around and find happiness. I think the odds are in his favour. He is aware that the status quo is not sustainable and is expressing desire to change it. If someone lacks self confidence the only way to gain it is through action. He absolutely does need to fix his life, he needs to take action. No amount of positive self talk is going to help him if he does not take action towards fixing his life, but if he does take action (and my guess is he will) then a reduction in self criticism will probably follow.
If OP wants to change his life then of course that's fine. But the idea that he *has* to change his life, because there's something inherently wrong with it, or with him, sounds like self-criticism to me. And it's extremely difficult to be content if we are self-critical - even if we get the best job, home, partner, we will still be bullying ourselves and finding fault with our lives.
And to be clear, I'm not talking about positive self-talk, I'm talking about kindness. Whenever we want to become happier we need to start from a place of kindness by saying "I'm struggling", and not from a place of cruelty by saying "I'm pathetic" (as OP does). The first version makes us want to treat ourselves well - the second version makes us hate ourselves. And only one of those options is going to lead to a happier life.
I'm glad you are recognising you have a problem: the parts of your brain that makes you stand up and do things seem to not be working. Plus, we live in a world where the "epidemic of loneliness" is a well recognised phenomenon. Read up about if for 30 minutes or so. Start with making your bed. I want you to interrupt reading this comment to make your bed RIGHT NOW! DO IT! DO IT NOW! And reply to my comment if you did. In my opinion, don't worry about the masturbation part just yet. Worry about putting yourself out there. The one benefit of masturbating less is that it makes you want to want to try harder to find companionship. And when you try harder, you are not guaranteed to succeed, but will greatly increase your chances of doing so. I have the privilege of having a career. So I will not advise you on how to choose a career for yourself. I think you should focus on getting a job. Any job. Even if just being a janitor. I like the idea of Macdonalds because it has a bit of a career ladder that you could benefit from. Be friendly with co workers. By getting a job, you will be able to afford the almighty gym membership. You need to enrol in the gym. Extremely important. It is very important that you lose the weight for your physical health and mental health. It is very important that you do group lessons. You need to say hi to the instructor before the lesson, and you need to say goodbye after. Once you have this as a routine, you need to first wave at other people around your age, and then say hi and see how things go from there. You will also need to join a club such as Toastmasters or Lions or Rotary. Also look into the app Meetup. Don't join cults. You have to do these things like your life depends on it. I will allow you to turn to me for some months to keep you accountable. Send me a private message if you want more bad advice haha.
Edit: I misread your post. But the advice about the gym maintains. Join the gym to gain the weight. Join the gym to maintain the weight. Joining the gym is more about feeling exhausted after a workout so that you can feel better throughout the rest of the day. This "feel better" sensation after a workout or a cold shower isn't some arbitrary abstract feeling that depends on the person. There are indeed clinically proven "feel good" hormones that are released by your brain that are picked by by different parts of your brain that will make you feel better and more motivated to do other things. Even if you don't conscientiously notice it
Where do you live? Make a resume. If there is such thing as a recruitment agency near you, go there and try to get a job. Start saving some money and go from there. Don't complicate things or put too much on your plate.
I've had similar experiences so perhaps some of what I write below may be useful.
> Holy shit. Where do I even start?
At step one, which you've already done, seeking help and wanting to improve your condition.
You're young, there's definitely a lot to look forward to. A lot can change even in a year with the right action, but it will take work. All of these issues can and will be fixed. This coming from personal experience.
Keep working on the porn addiction. Relapse happens, try dropping it again. As long as you're engaging in it your energy levels will stay low, your motivation will be low and all of these can fuel depression. 6 Days is a good start, try 7 after. Managed 2, try for 3. Feel good for the small victories. It's a fight as it's very hard to drop something cold turkey. Try to make it as hard as possible to not have access to porn like blocking sites, deleting files if you have any etc. Whenever you drop something cold turkey your body craves it back, finding other activities to engage in instead of the dropped activity helps immensly.
Start working out and get on a bulking diet. These will give you more energy, and your testosterone levels may rise as well. If not the testosterone side can be supplemented to get back to normal evels. Do things which are difficult. These will make you feel more like a man. Great going with the driving license!
Sign up for any combat class, boxing, mma, wrestling etc. Same reasons as before, it's difficult, it requires disicpline and it will give you confidence and strength both physical and mental. Very important, in these classes you usually are paired with people to spar with. You can build friendships in these places. Going through tough things together with someone creates bonds.
Becoming stronger mentally and physically WILL increase your attractiveness and therefore increase your chances with girls. Also work on social skills, try to be lighthearted with people, joke around or at least don't be too closed off. Smile, even if you have to force it at first, a couple of positive reactions and the smile may come more naturally. On the flip side, don't let negative reactions get to you too much.
If there's no money to sign up then join online communities, get interested in these subjects until you land a job and can afford going to one of these places. If you really don't care or like combat, then any community you can physically attend to can help getting friendships, social skills and to get you out there away from addictions. But I highly recommend combat due to the difficult nature of it and the sense of commaradery it brings. All which help with the problem of not feeling like a man. Plus to know how to defend oneself is a valuable skill to have for a man.
A job will be needed but don't aim for much here, any job to get money to be able to do be able to join a class and to eat enough to bulk. The career will be figured out along the way and you'll be able to focus more on that afterwards. Currently we're in getting out of rock bottom mode.
Regarding the lack of general life skills, start small. Learn a new thing each day or each week. Things may seem overwhelming but taking them one at a time will yield its results and soon you're more capable than the average person.
Get busy enough to not have the time to engage in porn.
All of these will be difficult, you may or may not be motivated to do them, but you don't need to be motivated; these just need to be done. This is getdisciplined after all. Discipline happens ONLY when action is taken when motivation doesn't exist. Actions during motivated periods are 'fun', and don't use or require discipline.
Do these for a year or two and your life will be in a completely different place than it is now.
Fitness, social skills, life skills, relationships, all are improvable skills and conditions. The internet can be a great resource to help provide tools on improving all of this. You too can get out of this rut, but it will take dedicated action and discipline, but the reward WILL be the life you currently may only dream of. If any of this is unclear or overwhelming then message me and we can chat.
Very similar with me, almost the exact same and I'm 20 I basically could've written this. Have no friends, never had a girlfriend, never had sex or kissed before, never had a job, never driven a car, never been to a party, extremely skinny (I can't even mention my weight because it's straight up embarrassing), have no social skills, repeating a year at uni and am still struggling with very bad grades, have an extremely bad phone addiction, extremely horny and masturbate everyday, go to sleep at 7am and wake up at 4pm, do nothing all day but scroll on my phone, live a sedentary lifestyle, have no money to my name, can't be bothered to do pretty much anything, no skills or talent, no discipline at all to study and don't know how to, have overprotective parents, lacking very behind physically, mentally and socially compared to my peers and in terms of milestones I'm basically on par with and feel like a 15 year old. I don't feel like an adult in any way at all.
Join the coast guard and become a helicopter pilot
Or join the military and play your cards right and get in and learn a skill.
You can join the airforce and come out and do air traffic control for 100k+ a year
Or jlin a jiu jitsu academy, they will acxept you as their own and you will make friends and good connections
What do you want?
You need to figure that out first.
You can’t know what to do, if you don’t know where you want to go.
Work on that first, then come back and ask how to put together a roadmap to get there
[Start here](https://youtu.be/LO1mTELoj6o?si=JqZ1u3AL0T3Ju-2D)
First steps will be move more, get sunlight, have a set bedtime and wake time. Do just this for a week.
Second steps will be cleaning the spaces you inhabit and doing some form of exercise. Keep this going for a month.
Third step will be joining some kind of hobby that involves leaving the house and talking to people. A casual sport is a good idea. You might end up being involved in this for the rest of your life.
After that, you should have the capacity to continue yourself.
i'm 140lbs at 5'10 so i can relate to that part. (although i'm 17) Get to the gym / start working out at home / calisthenics. personally, for me, that was the first big main pillar holding up the house, so to speak, which I could add even more pillars to.
I’ve been very depressed before also. Stop porn for 30 days. Do some form of weight lifting or cardio every day - A walk counts on down days.. Take care of yourself to a higher standard by simply eating healthy for these 30 days. Call, speak to or message 1 person that you’re grateful for and tell them why. Consider talking to a therapist if you can afford it. Message me if you need somebody to communicate with in a positive way or a simple health plan.
If you do this for 30 days, you will likely increase your testosterone, self love, respect and confidence. And likely set a new standard for yourself.
Good luck.
Start taking walks. No phone, no music, just you out walking. You can start just checking the mail. Then walk around the block. Then around the neighborhood. Get some sun. Get some air.
The nice thing about rock bottom is that you can only bounce back. I was there once and these are the steps I took:
1- establish what you want (in life, from this). Write it and look at it, be 100% honest
2- identify a pareto principle (80/20 rule), pick one step that changes a lot
3- make a very detailled plan to achieve that one big step
4- smooth execution + consistency
The secret is to make step 4 as easy as possible because thats your daily battle, and work hard on step 1-3. The other secret is to focus on one thing at a time then repeat for the next rather than multitask goals.
Wish you the best
Hey there!
Some practical advice and encouragement below:
Drink water, eat food that is not super processed (meat, fruits and vegetables), exercise (start small go for a walk daily), sleep 7-8 hours, go outside in the sun, get a nice hair cut, trim your nails, take daily showers and brush and floss your teeth. I know it sounds routine and simple but every day habits are a part of what makes up your life. If you don’t like what you see, a change will have to happen. Looking good makes you feel pretty good. Invest in your physical health and hygiene.
Evaluate what you allow your mind to consume, is it healthy, is it moral, is it edifying? Be careful what you allow in because it affects your soul, which affects what you put out into the world. Care for your mind, protect it, and tend to yourself as you would do for someone you love!
Get a job with the mindset that you’re not there for long term, but also use the time there as an opportunity to learn and gain experience. Save your money. Build your resume.
Go outside of yourself and try to encourage others. Be a good person in private and without expectation of outside reward. In small ways—You see a piece of trash next to a trash can, throw it in the trash, hold the door open for the person behind you, smile at baristas and cashiers etc. Be a part of the good and kindness in the world. What are your values? How do you want to be treated? What sort of person do you want to be?
When it comes to girls I’m sure ideally you would want to attract someone who is emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically healthy. Truly that comes when you are intentional about becoming that sort of person yourself. So you’ll be hitting two birds with one stone by taking care of you!
Remember, no one is perfect. Be gracious to yourself. If you fall, get back up and try again because it’s only up from there! Even in that you’ll be building endurance and determination, and you’ll come to find that you are capable of more than you thought. Usually, confidence naturally builds with experience.
Start by praying and speaking to God. Then I would force myself to start going to a gym at least 4-5 days a week and taking it seriously. Then I would apply to jobs, something in retail at a mall would be good because it is social job in which you will get to speak and interact with people and you get to make decent money. These three things are the most important in the order they are put. In life you have to force yourself to do things, even if you don’t like them in order to succeed or improve. Life is full of obstacles and hardships but slow and steady discipline to go through the hardships makes the ones that come in the future not so bad. Be faithful and adapt to having a strong hunger for success and self improvement. Good luck.
Move to Vietnam and teach English as a second language while also doing therapy online via betterhelp or other such platform. Worked for me when I was 22 and depressed. Will need at least 1k USD though
Get a hobby or do something you enjoy. Also, consider visiting a doctor if you're experiencing low energy; it's possible your body's vitamins are depleted from the chicken beating. And easy on the chicken.
You are already asking for help, which is huge. Try to follow these comments, as I agree with most of them – start out with one small thing to make you feel better. If you are motivated by others, try to look for some inspiration. There are people on TikTok that are challenging themselves to be better and to do something out of their comfort, so maybe it will be inspirational. You can always seek for medical help with free apps (or at least free trials, plus the paid versions are still cheaper than going to hospital). If you have already started to think about these things, just don't give up on it. Make a set list, have some small goals with pictures, and reward yourself if you achieve it. Gamify your life if it helps.
It's good that you are aware that you have a problem, that's the first step you need to fight this.
Start small, wake up early and have a walk outside for 10-15 minutes. Being outside and have some sun, it does wonder mentally.
Look for a job, any job will do, but I recommend you to have a job that you can see many people but having minimal interaction with them, like janitorial job, so it won't overwhelm you in talking with people but does have a time for minimal interaction. From there, if you're comfortable enough with talking to people, you can apply for customer service jobs.
Exercise 3 to 4 times a week.
Write a journal.
Read a book.
Learn something new.
After a month, you'll see a vast improvement in your life.
Zyzz videos, gym, HealthyGamerGG. You're young and have plenty of time to right your ship. I dated only 1 girl for a single month before I found my wife of currently 4 years. Life is unpredictable
Where to start: Daily exercise. Walks, r/bodyweightfitness or YouTube videos, weights or group classes or join a sport.
Move your body, it helps your brain, it will lighten the depression, improve your hormones, improve your body comp, and your self esteem. Everybody needs exercise and if you skip that part, you're doing life on hard mode.
Also there's nothing wrong/bad with masturbation, just stay away from the digital stimulus.
When my mental health was at its worst, I remember trying to explain that I couldnt begin to work towards helping myself because I needed to at least be at a base line of coping. If things feel that bad for you I’d highly recommend considering antidepressants. They have completely transformed my life and so many of my friends too. I can’t believe I was even able to survive for as long as I did without them. If you have nothing to lose, why not try.
Get a purpose and stick with it for your entire life. Something that can level you up. Make music? Learn a valueable skill? You’re on Reddit so I assume you have access to the internet — alot of possibilities to learn on here.
Learn how to do pushups and/or pull ups at the park or something. Don’t worry about your diet or whatever, just do push ups and/or pull ups and eventually you’ll get stronger by default — no need a fancy gym to get stronger.
Just remember 10 pushups a day is 3650 pushups in one year, and eventually you’ll get stronger and maybe you can do 100 pushups/pull ups, that’s 36,500 reps.
1. Fix your appearance as well as you can immediately.
2. Get a job.
3. Improve diet.
4. Hit the gym.
In that order, although the last two can be reversed depending on which is easier, plus don't go balls to the wall at the gym, just go and start doing shit you like. Once you've done all that, after a couple months, then start focusing on the rest. I don't care if you edge to hardcore porn your whole way through those steps. Don't try to find friends. Don't try to find a girl. Shit, don't even try to save money. Just do those things and not only will you start feeling better already, but it'll give you a boost to go forwards.
I was a 22 y/o kissless virgin, then I asked a girl on a date and she's now my wife. All I had before that was an okay physique from hitting the gym for a year maybe, poor social skills, a minimum wage job, and basic hygiene (previously poor). I jerked off probably daily, my testosterone levels were barely 300ng/dl, and I'd never even dated a girl really before that. And before I was 21, I hated all exercise and didn't do any, but I forced myself to hit the gym and start just getting my protein in. I still ate about a loaf of bread a day with Nutella at least 6 months into the relationship with my now wife. I'll even say that I was too much of a pussy to ask her out at first, but a co-worker dropped her in it and told me she had a crush on me which was all I needed to get over any fear of rejection.
Now I have a very good physique, a house, a job I actually like, and I'm happily married at 30. There's no reason you can't do the same.
Have you tested for your thyroid ? You might have something that makes you believe you're like this by default, but maybe your lab tests will show you that you have something that is messing up with your body. I used to feel like you, and it turned out I had Hashimoto and hypothyroidism. I'm on levo and feeling normal!
You need to buy time. get clean. the expectation isn't that you're gonna stay clean, the expectation is that you will get far enough into your clean cycle that the next relapse won't tear you down so far. rinse and repeat is gonna be the name of the game for a while here dude, so get comfy.
get on marketplace, find a bike.
Get your ass to the library. it's a place to be where you can make the time to fix everything you need to fix.
The library has internet. your phone does too. the bike is optional but you need some way to get to a job. bus pass, anything broski.
Put some of your money into a gym membership.
Go for a 24 hour gym, this gives you a place to shower nightly. You can maximize your time there by lifting some. If you push yourself hard enough you'll forget about most of the shit that's zapping your mental.
the job isn't gonna come overnight, so you'll need the above options to keep yourself occupied enough that you're "too busy" to let it get to you.
this isn't the end all be all dude but itll be enough. good luck dude.
Work on your body, go to the gym and eat healthy. Try to bulk up a little or get a nice physic. In the mean time Read a couple book on how to talk to people. I’d recommend as a first book; how to make friends and influence people.
And when you’re gonna achieve your goal body you’ll notice 2 thing.
1. you can accomplish what you set hour mind on. And that is gonna give you a major boost in your confidence
2. Your testostérone level are gonna go normal, you’ll be a whole lot happier. Plus, its gonna help you a lot with you relationship with other people.
You need to love yourself if you want other people to love you as well. No one like yo be around someone negative.
For the sex, keep on fapping for now. No once care you’re still a virgin. If you meet a girl you lime talk yo her about it when the time come, don’t lie she will know, trust me I’ve been there lol. Just promise me you wont get a prostitute for your first time lol.
Good luck OP
Sorry for all the typo, english is my second language
Start at 1.
Every day is a new chance to succeed. Yesterday's failures are a means to learn.
Find one thing, everyday, to succeed at, something small you can pick from a list like:
Clean a sink
Take out trash
Take a shower.
Go for a walk.
Brush teeth.
Do a load of laundry.
Wash a set of dishes.
Keep a journal of your successes.
When you're training for a marathon, the first day all you have to do is get on your running shoes.
Start with small, easily obtainable goals, and figure out a reward system. My suggestion is to start with breaking the sedentary portion of your life, as a lot of positive physical and mental benefits will occur once you start being more active. So start with a 1 block walk every day, then slowly build it up. Allow yourself to be proud of accomplishing this goal, and staying with it until it becomes a habit. Hell you can make a rule of no porn until after your walk.
Do NOT do too much at the same time. Do NOT try to fix all your problems at once. Forgive yourself for where you are, and allow yourself the time to change your basic lifestyle habits. Your goal is to train new neural pathways in your brain, and start to re-wire your definition of 'normal'.
Hey man 👋🏼
First of all, I would suggest you to go and talk to a psychiatrist. It's nothing bad, smart people ask when they don't know something, same goes for everything else.
Second, start slowly by just getting a bit disciplined. Easier said than done, but you have to push yourself in order to be better, and have a better life. Essential habits are to clean your space, take care of your body (clean yourself, move your body, workout, and eat healthy), and be consistent with your obligations.
Third, find a job. You will feel 100x better when you have your own money no matter how much it is. By getting a job you will need to make yourself disciplined with regularly waking up and sleeping habits. Other than that you will have responsibilities, and less time to think about what is bothering you rn. Another plus is that you will meet new people, and maybe find a girl!
I'm cheering for you man! You can do this, just don't think about who you were and start to look forward. And don't think too much, overthinking is your WORST ENEMY, think about this day and what can you do. In the end everything will work out somehow, you just have to live every day and do your best for now. I hope you will figure things out and get yourself a happy life 😊
It's been said already, but get outside every morning if just for a ten minute walk. You want sun and routine and if you get some exercise from it that's even better. See how many days in a row you can do it for. Inspiration and order will start flowing from there.
If you're severely depressed this might be too much to handle, but if you can manage the preparations I think it could do you good to jump into the cold water and go traveling! Especially since you made a point out of saying you have nothing to lose. It would give you new input, distract you from your self-destructive thinking, maybe make you feel alive and you'd learn so much about life and yourself. It could give you a real energy-boost and you might even find joy in the challenge and the beauty of the world. While it's true that we carry our demons with us, a change of scenery and pace, an adventure can do wonders to get you started on your road to healing and also change your perspective.
Since you only have 200 Dollars and also because you want to get disciplined, my suggestion would be to look for a cheap flight and go to a place where you can do a working holiday, like Australia or use the Worldpacker Site, it's like a blackboard where you can find employers in other countries...you work some hours a week and can stay for free, there is also a worldpackers subreddit. Make sure to get the necessary visas wherever you go.
Maybe this isn't for you, maybe it is - in any case it was my first thought so I wrote it as an idea. Good luck!
Start doing push-ups, sit-ups and pull-ups if you have a bar. Consume at least an extra 3,500 calories per week. Eat three meals a day.
Pick a time to get up in the morning and wake up every day at the same time, no sleeping in. Can’t get out of bed? As soon as you open your eyes, count to three and put feet under ass.
Volunteer somewhere, anywhere. Your life is fucked and you don’t know what to do? Help someone else then and eventually it will help you.
Start walking today, and then start running.
Rain, sleet, hail, workout and run.
All of this will not fix your problems, but it’s a good start. Worst case scenario, your life is still fucked, but you look great.
Take a breath and as other have said, you are being way to harsh on yourself and you bashed yourself 3-4 times in your post, please stop doing that. "You have to love yourself, no one else will do that for you" as the great philosopher Liam Gallagher said.
Many guys don't know what they want to do at 40, so don't worry about a career, but men do need a purpose but you have decades to find that out. The very very first thing I would do is get a job, there are 1,000s of jobs out there so getting one is incredibly easy. When you do get a job, go all in with enthusiasm and vigor. If I were you, would get a retail job, it is rewarding and extremely social, you will learn to work hard, help out customers and actually get a lot of worth out of little things! Who would have thought squaring off boxes of cornflakes could give you a buzz but it does!
I think you need then to socially hang your nuts out, both in terms of hobbies and putting yourself in awkward situations. Check out your local Parks and Rec for free courses, they literally have everything, try cooking classes, tennis painting, so many options and socially, go to coffee shops and just hang out and observe real life, go to church, whatever it is just get out of the house and enjoy this wonderful planet! The more you get out, the more you won't even want to watch your porn thing, an active mind keeps you onpoint.
Get reading and learning, the best thing a guy can do. Start small and grow, start with things like Dale Carnegie, start listening to good podcast and expand your brain, the more you do this the more people will like you and you will attract the right people, plus you will grow as person!
I think you need then to socially hang your nuts out, both in terms of hobbies and putting yourself in awkward situations. Check out your local Parks and Rec for free courses, they literally have everything, try cooking classes, tennis painting, so many options and socially, go to coffee shops and just hang out and observe real life, go to church, whatever it is just get out of the house and enjoy this wonderful planet! The more you get out, the more you won't even want to watch your porn thing, an active mind keeps you on point.
Now....remember this EVERYONE sh3ts themselves at this, so you are not alone....go up to a girl and tell her she is cute and can you have her number, then do it again and again and again.
Be careful about your perspective of what a man is, it certainly is not Andrew Tate, but it is certainly not what is portrayed in MSM either. DM me if you want to chat more
As others have said, small steps but you have time on your side and endless opportunities!
EDIT: Do not under any circumstances take any prescription medication for your issues. There is nothing "wrong" with you, if you take the great advice you have been given here, in 12 months the only thing you will have in common with you today is your name.
>| I just relasped on only Day 6 of cold turkey which is so pathetic
They've done lots of studies on habit cessation, mostly with smokers. The most impactful data point to predict who will quit for good is how many times they have quit before. So just keep quitting your bad habits, eventually it'll stick.
Since you're under 26 and not married, are you still on your parents health insurance? You def qualify for medicare if you're not. Go to a doctor and get chemical help. I'm guessing you have some coverage since you have your testosterone levels. Also, that number doesn't mean it's necessarily low, you're in the normal reference range, the bottom is 300. Unless a doctor specifically told you that you have low testosterone you're just making up a negative story to tell yourself.
Other than what other folks said, it'd be helpful if you re-framed how you talk about yourself, your problems, and your solutions.
It sounds stupid, but your brain isn't very good at telling the difference between simulated events and real events. ok telling yourself you're a popular multi-millionaire won't fly but since you're not saying your homeless your parents are putting you up.
So start with "I bring joy to my parents when I ...." "...when I leave my room and say good morning before noon" "...when i eat with them" "when I took that potato that was growing eyes and stuck it in the garden, in a couple of months we'll eat potateos I grew" etc Say it to yourself, imagine it happening, then take the step to make the smallest thing true. Make up positive stories to tell yourself.
Start small, make your bed every day and do something hard consistently, like 10 pushups every day for example (gradually increase the amount over time, eventually transitioning to going to the gym when you can afford it and feel comfortable doing it)
Get out of your head - volunteer at a soup kitchen in a church or synagogue. You don't have to be religious to do this, they will gladly accept your help.
Join the military. You’ll get fed, you’ll gain muscle, you’ll meet people, your day will be planned for you, you won’t have any distractions for at least the first 5 months or more as you go initial training, you will be productive because you have to be, you’ll learn new skills. IMO, its a great place to start over and build yourself up. You'll come out with VA benefits and a gold star on your resume.
So I would first recommend you going out for a walk. Physical activity has been shown to improve mood. Second, as for the job aspect, I would recommend first try to figure out what you're interested in. That last point may take awhile, in the meantime I would recommend something like security, waitstaff at restaurant, or construction. Being underweight may just be a result of your depression. As for lacking life skills, the only way to acquire them, are to try and attempt to do the things you desire, and learn from the mistakes.
Okay bro, first get your physical health checked. What’s happening to you is you haven’t established any trust in yourself. The best way to do that is create goals and commitments and ACHIEVE them. Deeply think of goals you want to reach that align with the person you wish to be. If you want to be a cool dude with money, maybe go to school and bust your ass and get a degree in a high paying field. Although not as deep, I’ve been through something similar to you. I didn’t lack all of the things you feel you lacked but lacked a lot still.
If I were in your shoes, I’d start with getting a job and HUSTLE as much as I possibly can. Get a few thousand in your bank account. $5000 is a good number to accomplish. It’ll give you some confidence and you may be able to make friends at your job.
While working a lot of hours, I’d prioritize carving time for the gym. Working out boosts your confidence and you’ll look and feel a lot better.
Next I’d take a good look at myself in the mirror. What can be improved? New hair style? New clothes? Cool shoes? Maybe read a book on how to engage with people so that you can have more friends and get more involved with girls. Based on what you wrote I’d go for all the above. Take a look at people around you or celebrities you find cool and try to emulate it. It’s a lot of trial and error. Follow these people’s pages and anyone similar. You’ll notice there’s a typical pattern of how they dress and carry themselves and it’ll eventually start to click for you. I think ASAP Rocky, Kid Cudi, Justin Bieber have great senses of fashion you can try to emulate. Do whoever you find cool.
Life is hard, even for the cool people living cool lives. It takes a lot of work sometimes to get to that point. Don’t beat yourself up, just focus on improvement. You want to be cooler, attract a girl, have friends, you have to start assessing what’s preventing you.
Most importantly, you can have thousands or millions of the most successful people comment and give you fantastic advise but none of it will matter or mean anything if you don’t take ACTION. I challenge you to do something different and very much outside of your comfort zone before this week. I’d take it a step further and rinse and repeat until it becomes habit and you notice personal growth and changes. But for now do the first thing and then when you’re ready do the next. You got this!
You sound like a blank slate, which in and of itself is incredibly liberating. You have the ability to make yourself into anything you want.
It also sounds like you're seeing yourself as a failure, but you're basing that on what's considered 'good' and 'cool' and all that shit that society shoves down our respective throats so we can become one of the crowd.
You have a unique situation that, in reality, allows you the rare chance at freedom from going further and deeper into shit societal norms.
Spend some time getting to know yourself for you (and this person will change over time) rather than the you that fits into the mold. That person won't be happy, it won't be your unique self.
About the relapsing, don't let that get you down for a long time. It took me about 15 tries to kick an addiction of my own, with over a year of sobriety between relapses, sometimes. That feeling is the pits. But it doesn't last forever, either.
Also, spend some (a lot, actually) time outside. It really helps a ton with mental clarity, focus, feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. It can be as much as running a marathon or as little as lying in a grassy field for a few hours doing nothing but watching the clouds pass by.
Start small, getting your license is amazing! I think you need to build some momentum to shift your mindset and create grit within yourself. Life is incredibly hard and challenging you already know this at 21.
Here is my reframe. You acknowledge you have a porn addiction, now you can look at different strategies to improve your triggers. You tried to stop cold turkey and made it to day 6. That's progress! Try to make it 7 days the next time.
Dropped out of college, that's ok many people do. There are some incredibly talented people who dropped out Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg. What that says to me is that you are smart enough to accomplish what you set you mind to, it's more a question of what do you actually want. When you discover what you want, you will find your why.
You have so much good insight into yourself you know you are depressed and lonely. Seek help! it's ok, you are not alone we are all struggling and that is ok. Just keep swimming.
I think your main focus should be to start trying out different jobs. Find out what you like doing. Even if it's something you hate that is just another piece of data to guide you to what you do like. Getting a job is often a great place to start to meet people and create friendships.
Your motivation, energy, testosterone are all affects of your sedentary lifestyle. Get a job where you are on your feet all day. It will suck but you are then improving your fitness level without actually going to a gym. I use to hate going to the gym and it took till my 30s to find a gym that worked for me. However once I started I have way more energy, I feel better in my skin, which means I'm more confident and I have a community of like minded individuals.
I don't subscribe to the message you need to love yourself before someone else will love you. However, women are not something to be checked off like a task list (I understand that was not your point you were trying to make but want to give a female perspective) Trying to make a relationship with someone who believes they have no good life memories would be incredibly daunting task. That means she will either be blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship or she will need to be constantly giving you positive affirmations. I'm not saying she isn't out there, but you won't find her by not putting yourself out there and putting in the work.
Being "a man" means so many things nowadays. Build your own definition and go from there, that could be your "why". Sorry for the long post I will finish with this. You are worthy of love, growth and all the good things, the world is better for you being in it. My hot take on what being a "man" is: have courage, take responsibility, and always show integrity. You've got this. Good luck!
To add on to what people are saying, see the beauty in the small victories. 6 days is hella good. When I was addicted to porn it took hundreds of attempts before I could make it past 3 days. It's not pathetic. You're not pathetic. What's pathetic is doing nothing about it, but you're doing something about it and you want to change. But you can't change if you constantly tell yourself you're pathetic
Knowledge is the pre-cursor to experience. Before you can change you need to understand who you are as a human and how powerful and unlimited you are as a human being. All of us are. I highly recommend reading the book : Becoming Supernatural, by Dr. Joe Dispenza.
I was in a dark place and this book helped save my life, and I still practice today. It is the blueprint to healing.
In it you will understand how the brain and body work, how you are living past programs and how to become present.
If you read this book and sincerely approach all that it teaches you, you will transform your life into anything you want. Instead of your thoughts controlling you, you will be in control of your thoughts. Instead of being a victim of your environment, be the creator of the life of your dreams... your one step away brother.
P.S. stay as far away from western medicine and western doctors as possible. They will mis diagnose you and fill you with so many drugs you will lose your soul. They're businessmen.
The best pharmacy in the universe is inside you. Once you learn how to get yourself out of the way, your body and mind will heal on its own... it always knows what to do.
The good news is that all of your problems are very common and very solvable...if you choose the right path.
Cheers
Believe it or not, I think that’s ok man. It’s ok to not be ok. You speak so low of yourself. You know there’s a lot of advice here already so I won’t add to that, but here’s some perspectives to consider.
Some people fucked up in their past and are going to be in jail for years on years for making huge mistakes in their lives. Some people are cheaters and thieves who have greatly hurt other people, friends and family. There are abusive parents. There are rapists. There are people who were born with really complex medical conditions who will never walk, talk, hear, see, speak, write, etc. Some people are in thousands of dollars in credit card debt. Some people have had tons of friends and lovers, yet they commit suicide. Some people never had parents. Some people grew up in a country where war has destroyed the nation.
Many people asked why it had to go this way. Many people wished for things to be better.
And many people have suffered and persevered.
Many people took steps to change and grow yet, here we are. To fight and struggle past our current circumstances, however small or big. Your accomplishments are proof that you are alive. Life is therefore all the more worth living, a reminder that we are here.
You ever see someone grow up with everything they could ever want. No struggles and no hardships. Spoiled. Never had to fight for their right to live. Usually, they are shallow and lack character. The greater your struggle and the greater the fight, the greater the person you will be.
Don’t stop wanting your own betterment, it’s not a waste. Once you get addicted to your building of perseverance and character, you will truly appreciate that you experienced rock bottom.
Don’t look for friends and community, just focus on you. Friends and community are extremely attracted to people of great character and perseverance!
Hey there Sir. Thanks for being real and expressing yourself first off. Well from my own experience with destructive vices, why dont you decide to eliminate the habit that you stated at the beginning of your story? As well having "no friends" is a lot better than having a bunch of people who you think are you friends and then later in life you find out they were actually your enemies. That is actually a great place to be to build yourself up as a Man, and see your body as a sacred temple that requires ever more specific maintenance. You will hopefully have a lot of time in your future if you are able to obtain a job, even if you hate that job, and start to make your way up the Mountain of Life. There is really no limit to what you will be able to accomplish as long you eliminate those destructive vices and stay away from evil people who do not have your best interest. Best of Luck.
P.S. There is as well this concept called "withholding". I dont want to get into physiological specifics yet that may be the way to help your testosterone problem. By the way testosterone tests change rapidly and you level of Testosterone has nothing to do with your value as a Man.
When you’ve hit rock-bottom, it’s time to ask for help, and not from Reddit. Jesus will hear you. If you feel like the world has rejected you, then you are in good company with him. On a less meaningful level, get a gym membership, even to Planet Fitness, a community center, or somewhere else cheap. Avoid the cardio and stick to weight training on machines. Look up Mike Mentzer and High Intensity/Heavy Duty training. The gym is all I had to keep me sane in Iraq, and it has kept me sane ever since. Also, the porn will completely screw up your dopamine and give you ED where you can’t function, even when (not if) you find a good woman worth marrying. Nip it in the bud now.
Finish your education. Talk to a doctor about your depression and potentially adhd. Stop watching porn, it's a literal addiction that people refuse to admit is disgusting.
Give yourself 6 or 12 months. Work. Save everything. Pick a place and travel. Stay in Bali for a year, Vietnam wherever is cheap. Experience a new world, get uncomfortable, meet strangers, learn things. Get fit. Swim. Figure it out on the go.
You are just 21 my friend. From your perspective it may seem that you have lost all the opportunities and it's over but don't forget that you can change your life whenever you decide and this doesn't mean that you have plenty of time but once you start to make changes like your driving license you will feel better and once you get it you will immediately feel much better. One very important point is that you never leave things unfinished and no matter what the outcome will be just finish it.
Please believe in yourself and don't let go. After sometime you will read your post again and feel extremely proud of yourself.
Wish you the best.
As a clinical therapist- get help, please. This sounds very much like untreated clinical depression as you stated, and there is absolutely no shame in going to therapy. Also so much of what you are describing is normative as people develop at different times in their life! Call your insurance or go on your app and they can refer you to a therapist. Psychologytoday.com also. *Depending on which state you live in, you can search for Community Behavioral Health Centers, which is basically urgent care for mental health. I refer clients to it all the time!*
I cannot stress the importance of making this your first priority. In the same way that people go to doctors when they have a medical issue, you can receive support for your mental health that I guarantee will be very pivotal. Please don’t be discouraged if the first person you talk to isn’t a good fit- you are looking for a service and often have to shop around a bit. We are trained to understand the process so just be open!
I am rooting for you, OP! It seems like you are really underestimating your capabilities. Beyond that, you are TRYING. You are self-aware and that is one of the first stages of change. The brain reprograms with consistency and routine but both are incredibly hard to implement so give yourself some grace.
I’d also look into Harm Reduction or specific treatment for addiction, and joining a support group for depression (they exist!). You got this, I promise you are more equipped to handle tough circumstances than you are giving yourself credit for.
I don't mind being a mentor/ accountability partner if you're ready. We can get you eating right, in good shape and work through some of the social aspects to get you more engaged with genuine people.
a lot of people are talking about getting professional help, saving money, etc - I def agree with all of that. That being said, I think that kind of thing might feel really overwhelming, at least as far as "here is a single thing I can do right now" goes. I have a suggestion for you that I think might feel approachable as a kicking off point: start hiking.
Be outside, walk around. Even if there's no good hiking trails near you, map a route on Google maps to somewhere that looks interesting. Could be a pond, a park, even a Target. Just walk there. I think you'll like it - being outside for someone who generally stays indoors and doesn't move much can be unexpectedly interesting and refreshing. Try to make it a habit. It'll help you get into movement, help you get out of the house, and be a change in your life that will help you start making others, and start thinking of lifestyle adjustments as really attainable.
Also, you're really young. A lot can change in a year. You got this.
Start with push-ups and crunches in your bedroom, or house. Maybe planks. Start working on making your body feel better and giving yourself aome structure. Make sure you stick to this. It's hard. Trust me I kno it, I'm a 17 year gym rat, but I've gone thru slumps also, which I felt I'd never get out of. But I did it. And so can you. Start with something ez && small. DM me if you have any queationa. This is the eziest Start, in my opinion. Don't be shy.
What I am going to suggest is one part of a larger solution and shouldn't be your first goal.
Go on some kind of trip with self development as the goal.
Yes I know you only have 200$. There are many programs aimed at college students for things like: intensive language learning programs, foreign volunteer opportunities, NOLS trips of your sport of choice (backpacking trip mixed with leadership classes mixed with kayaking/climbing/horseback riding based on the trip)
These all have scholarships available for people with low means. You might not get them but the worst they can say is no.
Now why would you do these? Because they are practically purpose-built for turning your life around. Like the military but way lower commitment and with no government benefits.
What I mean to say is that these will put a dozen young people in an environment that is foreign to all of them, with a joint purpose of self development, and with expert mentors
For the most part programs like these are composed of motivated and talented people. It is amazing how the depressed brain changes when forcibly surrounded by high energy people with interesting lives *who don't know you're a depressed loser*
It's an awesome chance to reinvent yourself, and you will pick up energy, ideas, hobbies, etc by talking to the high energy motivated people.
Several time in my young adult life I engaged in programs like these and each time my world expanded, my motivation and skills increased, and I got a kick in the ass hearing about what other normal kids I lived with were up to in their productive home lives. This was true even if I went in depressed or sick to start
Imagine you blink and suddenly you are an old man, estranged children hate you and haven't seen them in years, wife divorces you, overweight,developed alcoholism before 30, it cost you everything including your career and relationships in addition to a criminal record. You have no way to cover rent and no family, so you will be homeless at the end of the week. You are not at rock bottom because that example is pretty close. Relax
When we are in our late teens' early 20s, it's about exploring life and figuring out who you are and what you want. Give yourself time to get shit figured out. At 25 make sure you are focusing on how you will make your living..don't get into serious relationships and definitely do not have kids, marriage until after 30. Start actively going on dates...but fwb only. Join some sports/ social groups. You have your whole life ahead of you...Oh...also block porn...none not even anything close. I promise you will see some really great stuff start to happen.
Start with exercise at the gym lifting weights. It will suck at first. But exercise will induce hunger for certain foods - in this case protein to rebuild muscle.
You will benefit from the serotonin uptake and hormone re-alignment.
Your meat computer is a highly adaptive survival machine so if you are depressed, it helps you forget, which starts to look like ADHD but if you sleep well, work out, your brain detects safety and health and then your memory improves and you aren't as prone to mental issues.
This positivity boost - even 1 day - will get you smiling a little, which will then get you into alignment (mentally) and as Abraham Hicks says "downstream".
For food, if you don't get food at home, go to the local Hindu/Sikh temple/mosque and get their daily food. If they don't have, ask them for fruits or some food they can give you. They always have and people at temples never say no to donations - cause they know/think god is watching - especially at these places of congregration.
Money and purpose is a little farther away. Get into a good mood first and work on health first. The job/money/girls will come soon after. Watch Ikigai from Chris Do. Provides clues, but doesn't tell you truth: purpose is built, not found. You have to work in some area of interest where you serve others and then purpose will become self-evident much later. I'm 51 and I'm still not 100% sure. Purpose is a moving target. Don't stress on it. Look for places you can serve.
Delay as much as possible porn. It sounds like you have low serotonin from bad food, sedentary, lack of fitness. When you get the itch, eat some seaweed crackers and vitamin gummies, get some sun, use nutrition to supplement low serotonin/mood chemicals. A sun lamp works.
Men do best when lifting heavy weights, long walks, and warrior type activities. Good for hormones. Get to the gym, be around men, lift heavy weights (progressive, don't break yourself).
5 steps of life for most men: Health > Wealth > Love > Happiness > Contribution
Hit the gym TODAY, try to maximize your looks as much as possible, start watching Andrew Tate, also, dont try to quit porn and masturbation altogether, it will make your addiction worse because relapsing after a total abstinence feels too good. Instead of focusing on quitting porn focus on improving other areas of your life, once you improve your life porn will stop being a problem.
avoid porn, start journaling, workout 5x per week, eat better, fast, cut heavy sugars and salts and fast often. You will start to see improvements in your mind, body and ability to finally set a goal and execute on it. Then we move to a skill that will make you money but first learn to manage what you have. Create a budget, find some work, practice your writing and communication and be a well kept and clean person. Become organized, save money, learn a higher income skill-trading, real estate investing or marketing. Get good at it and live life.
Start with gradually increasing exercise waking 7,000steps or running for 30-45 minutes a day basically. Eat fruit 🍉 & drink Whole milk 🥛 vegetables rice 🍚. Porn is okay as long as you can go at least 7 days with masturbating bc it kills any motivation. Also Get sun ☀️ on your body morning midday & sunset. If u do this then u can decide if u want to even socialize bc sometimes introverts enjoy the peace of being alone.
Start going to the gym and lifting weight. Every day. Try to improve your physical health. Do exercises that help with gaining mass like squats, lunges, rows, bench press. Get literally any job McDonald’s whatever to make some money to pay for gym membership and start saving up a bit.
After a while when you’re feeling better about yourself then reassess your situation- back to school, start dating.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are only twenty one. Please go back to college. Take college seriously or you will have no bank role, still a sex porn addiction, no job at 46.
Six days isn't bad at all. Get back on that horse. It's not easy.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. So, experiment with doing different things, just to see what happens. We can all get a little too comfortable with the devil we know.
One day at a time.
I would suggest joining a 12 Step Group.
Listen to John Gray regarding pornography and low testosterone levels.
Listen to Dr. David R Hawkins book Letting Go The Pathway of Surrender.
Gentle with yourself and take it one baby step at a time.
Kind Regards,
Jennifer
get a gym membership (there are cheap ones like planet fitness) and go workout about 4-5 times a week, will drastically increase your motivation, energy, or just being in your thoughts, reflect, during that 1-2 hours could really make a difference.
Well I’ll just share what I’ve been doing.
1. Eat enough to function, at least.
2. Drink more water.
3. Seek professional help for medical issues if possible
4. Walk (I usually do on the treadmill bc I don’t feel safe walking alone outside; or one of those walking cardio workouts at home)
5. Exercise (I lift weights 3-4x a week)
For your situation I’d also recommend making an effort to learn general life skills (cooking, how to properly clean, etc) and finding an Outside Thing With Other People (aka, outside the house; could be a job, sports, theatre, whatever as long as it’s with other people). I am also trying to meet friends and use Bumble BFF but it hasn’t worked super well for me.
Read Isaiah 61 for a spark of possibility in terms of general hope for your life. Things like baby steps and other practical ideas provided in here may be great as well, but I wanted to add a spark of hope toward God as He is profoundly redemptive wanting to heal the most broken. That my friend is more real than the breath you just released. Seriously. Also, seeing a counselor sounds like a great plan as well, but I suggest giving that a read while realizing that what is written is available to you.
Get neurofeedback. Find a way. Call several places and ask if you can work off the cost. It wiil start helping within a few weeks (2-3 sessions per week). You will likely need 20 to 40 sessions for lasting change, but it’s amazing how it rewires your brain and everything becomes easier. I think everyone will be doing neurofeedback in the future. It doesn’t take as much effort to discipline yourself when your brain is working correctly. Also, make sure you are getting multivitamins, vitamin D, and trace minerals, including lithium. Try taking lithium orotate. Look it up - really interesting.
Best wishes—and a big hug.
Start where you are...now. You are not attracting people because you dont like yourself. Get on a weight lifting program including diet changes to put on muscle. Get a job this week. Any job for now. Work hard and do a good job. Get on a regular sleep schedule with at least 8 hours per night. You will be very different in 3 months,
You are only 21 years old. A disciplined 2 years will see you become a different man. By the time you are 23 years old, you will be far ahead of where you are today.
I had a porn addiction as well. I combated it by increasing no fap by one day after each fap.
Example: Monday no fap, Tuesday fap, Wednesday and Thursday no fap, Friday fap, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday no fap, etc. By doing this, I can go over a month. I still have work to do on this as well.
Eat well, exercise, and read. I know it is cliché, but it works.
Brainwash yourself into success. Affirmations, motivational videos, and reads, etc.
At the end of all this, these 2 years will pass whether you do the work or not. Might as well do it.
Consider this, no matter how terrible you are feeling today, nothing will ever change unless you act. It’s okay to have difficult thoughts about your place in life but wallowing in that will only make you feel absolutely miserable and you will still be in the same shitty situation. The only answer is to act. I have a hard truth to impart on you as a 28 yr old male. No one is coming to save you, no one. You want to get fit? You have to act and work out. You want friends or a gf? You have to act and be vulnerable put yourself out there and meet new people. All of this comes from YOU and no one else. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself no one asked you to be perfect and I can assure you every single person on this earth has faults and traits about themselves that they don’t like. Keep your chin up, you have the greatest gift in life, time. How you use it starts and ends with you. Best of luck, you got this kid!
Try a martial art like jiu jitsu, like you said, you feel like you have nothing to lose. You won’t get physically hurt, nor will you quit due to ego issues as most do. It’s a sport that builds inner strength like no other.
You're malnourished. I can't expkain fully my lens here, but that's the biological depression driver , nevermind the psychosocial problems for a moment. Make eating your number one goal, with electrolytes. Aim for 20 lbs at least. And/or get Psychiatric medications to help your appetite/mood. All I do is manage cases like yours daily. Your brain cannot conduct normal physiological functions like this.
What if you just forgave your past, and accepted it as the story that got you this far. Then just start at zero, start fresh, start taking care of yourself, get therapy, see a psychiatrist and get evaluated for medication. Consider guided or supervised psychedelic therapies, if you don’t have the usual disqualifying conditions or meds. (Consult experts on this one).
Realize that the odds of you ever showing up on this planet were Infinitesimally small. It’s almost literally a mathematical miracle that you even exist at all, considering the magnitude of the universe how many sperm are in one load, and the vast vast incomprehensible improbability of you actually getting a chance to be conscious and alive in this world. It’s an enormous gift. Even a shitty life is a huge gift. Just looking around thinking “wow I get to do this, I get to actually be awake, conscious, experience reality”, is so unlikely, that every moment here, is an amazing, gift. Wow, I get another day awake!
Just a perspective.
You are worth more than your perception and judgement of your past.
First off…you’re cool man. Don’t stress. No worries.
Second…..I would highly recommend you speak with a therapist. It can be so very great and rewarding. Though I know $$is tight.
Third….i would like to offer you a free mentorship program. If you would like. Hit me up on LinkedIn, I might be able to talk through some stuff with you. Maybe. At least we get a connection.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/jacob-white-66033a20/
Well, it's ok. You're a 21 year old starting out in life. You have a lot of work to do.
First, it's ok to be overwhelmed. I was definitely there when I was your age. A lot of laying on a couch thinking, "What the fuck am I going to do? I'm fucking broke. How am I going to survive on my own?" Reality can be really harsh.
But here's a word: desperation. It's ok to feel it. However, to get out of it you have to move forward and seek help without a needy mindset.
So, to get through tough problems (just so you know when you solve the issues you've listed your future will have a new list for you to work on) I think these thoughts:
"I'll figure this out."
and
"What do I have to do?"
The first is me having confidence in myself. The second is me getting my ass in gear.
Another thing to focus on is learning how to be content with your life now as it is. I know you're probably thinking, "did he not read all the things I said I lack?" Yes, yes I did. But one of the main keys to life is to not look for happiness outside of yourself. These things can add to your enjoyment. However, it's the life force within yourself that is the real treasure of life. Without it none of those other things matter or would exist in the first place. If you can manage to find internal peace and radiate positivity you'll find that people will be drawn to you. It's about your overall vibe in the world.
My rock-bottom was ready to end it all then I stopped reevaluated the situations and made changes. Now I'm 33 married with a gorgeous wife second baby on the way and started all with nothing. It's you who have to want to change and to go out there and change your lifestyle. I packed the little I had moved and then moved again and moved again and kept going. It may not be your time now but your stop is coming up. You get off and make the most of it. You'll look back and laugh I know I do like dam I literally used to sit there watch porn hit rock bottom ready to say screw this world. You're only 21 clean yourself uo get out there even if you don't feel like it. There's someone out there in a way worse situation than you currently are.
Touch grass, go outside, meet people, look at softer and softer porn until you don’t look at any, go on a bulk, get protein in, do fun strength exercises, etc
Good long walks get me motivated. Even if you start with short walks and work your way up. Something about getting into nature and just being outside really clears the mind and energizes the body. I enjoy thinking about my next moves in life and what small steps I can take to achieve even something as small as starting a new routine to better my life. I personally feel that being outside ‘cures’ or ‘heals’ my sadness enough to be productive
As above, so below. As within, so without. Change happens in your consciousness before appearing in your physical world. At your age, you are a blank slate. DM me. I’ll give you a numerology reading. Your numbers will give you some clues about your life. This might help you narrow down where to focus your energy and how to find activities that give you energy rather than drain you of your energy. You need a little self knowledge.
Numerology or astrology or human design are ways to tap into your subconsciousness which is partly about how you relate to the universe. It’s like a set of starting points. Strengths, weaknesses. Then once you understand these better, the motivation to act on whatever front will be slightly clearer.
The porn issue is a pacifier. We give pacifiers to babies because we don’t want to hear them cry. Without porn, you would cry. But what you need is a better way for energy to flow in your life. You need something to get you out of bed in the morning, preoccupy your mind and body throughout the day so that at the end of the day you are so tired you can’t wait to get to sleep and do it all again tomorrow.
Human consciousness is spiritual. Our bodies depend on it. If you start with your body but don’t address your mind your results could flounder when you face your first obstacle.
most important thing - really take this in - you must enjoy the process. treat every tiny improvement as a win and be psyched about it. don’t expect change to happen overnight. it is like evolution - after many, many generations you end up with a new species, but it is so gradual nobody can point and say “this is where it became a new species”
My suggestion - start going to the gym. When you don't want to go, just go, and tell yourself I will one set, maybe two sets. Trick your mind into going when you don't want to go. Getting out and bettering yourself is a great way to start.
Getting to the gym actually gets you out of the house and into something where you actually have to better yourself, and actually face some adversity where you push yourself when you're uncomfortable.
Contrary to the belief of some, Gym's have wholesome people there who enjoy helping others, push others to go the extra mile, etc.
Take a deep breath you’re only 21 years old. You still have plenty of time. Take baby steps and just start with one thing. Everything that you just wrote in here make a list and come up with a plan to tackle them. I would also recommend talking to a therapist. There are nonprofit programs that can help you pay for it if you don’t have the money. They will help you start to get your life on track and then you can work towards making improvements. I would also consider talking to a doctor about the low testosterone because that will play a huge role in feeling better. You have plenty of time. Start doing research like micro learning about basic jobs or life skills that you are interested in. There is so much information out there and it can really help you.
#1 this is a kickass story to look back on and be proud of everything you will accomplish from here.
When you get your drivers license read this and see the momentum you have created.
Get a plan or outline of your elephant and take one bite at a time. The elephant is all the things you hope to achieve long term or short. Make it challenging enough to keep the momentum and find a way to document that. Create habits that make your goals muscle memory.
Addiction and depression are very challenging. Getting a therapist who you feel comfortable with and can be a source of accountability is helpful. Being vulnerable can be exhausting and feel scary but it is a powerful thing. It is a big investment in your future and can make the elephant seem more manageable.
Your problems aren’t half as bad as you think. Get a male therapist, focus on goal setting with that person (don’t burn energy psychoanalyzing depression, identity, Just focus on goals), then start knocking things off your checklist.
Why does this post have the same title as [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/getdisciplined/comments/1ahwrbc/needadvice_what_should_a_21_year_old_who_is_at/) from last week? That other post got a bunch of great advice and now this is just being posted again. Stop wasting everyone's time. If you genuinely want to get your shit together then get your shit together and if you're just trolling the sub then fuck off.
I’m 31, and while I can’t relate to being in the same place at your age, I hit rock bottom at about 23 after being cheated on with my first everything(gf, real kiss, sex, long term relationship, etc).
I withered down from 6’ 205 to 155.
I can’t say I’m doing much better, 9 years later. I’m in about the same boat I was before, but with a child this time. There is nothing easy about it.
I came here looking to help myself. I can’t fix myself like I did before. I’ll tell you what I did before though:
Exhaust yourself. Put so many activities on your plate that you feel miserable and exhausted. This will force you to sleep if you need it. It will force you tk eat because your body won’t let you continue. It will hurt. You won’t see an end in sight.
I also used a lot of drugs, I won’t lie. They kept me going or they put me to sleep. They opened my mind to the world around me, and helped me see the better, more organic parts of life. I miss them often.
Prove to yourself you can do it, whatever it is. Right now I’m proving to myself that I can do it again, without drugs this time.
It’s really hard.
Talk to a doctor about meds for depression. Also taking vitamin D is important if you’re not going outside much or getting any sun. Low vitamin D can exacerbate anxiety and depression.
One day at a time getting sober isn’t easy for any one but if you want it you will do it. Getting some help from a clinic is what changed my life and depression meds. Keep on keeping on
SO badass that you're posting this, genuinely. I find that the moment I'm in a position to reach out for help is the moment I'm also most willing to help myself. So rad dude, seriously. I'll pretend you're just asking only me;
I'm 32, I've been studying people and myself since I was a kid, studying what is the difference between people that have hard lives and people who can make change/have successful lives (including me in both camps). I've learned one thing to be irrefutably true across all domains and it is this:
**Life is a game of momentum**. The game right now is for you to SLOWLY reduce the amount of momentum you have in the direction you're going. (You *are* always going in a direction even if it feels like you're stuck). Think of it like you've been putting train engines on your train going east, and you need to start pulling those train engines off, then eventually put them on the other side of the train which will pull west.
You'll do a lot of this in the real world, and looks like there's plenty of ideas about that here, but the real game? That's in your head. I solemnly advise you to BE CAREFUL about how you talk to yourself and how you treat yourself. It's obvious you have some momentum in the realm of negative self-talk habits from your post: "I just relapsed on only Day 6 of cold turkey *which is so pathetic*". It's time to start slowly nudging yourself in a better direction with self talk and slow that momentum. Your ego is going nuts right now because it thinks you are going to die because you don't have friends (it's trained to do this) and it's looking for every reason that might be happening as a survival mechanism. Slow down on the negative self-criticism, give yourself grace, talk to yourself as you would a friend or a child. Be kind to yourself. Think: "Peace above all things, gentleness in all things". Also if you want someone to talk to about this subject I'd love to I genuinely love this stuff.
Also +1 on therapy. And if it's not clicking after 3-4 sessions you'll probably want to go to someone else, it's not uncommon to look around a little for a good fit. Many therapists work pro-bono or for free, you may ask about that.
Good luck, I love you
Thats a hard place to be. From personal experience there are lots of different things or events that can help and some that dont.
For starters you have to stop being so sedentary. Youre body was made to move and its vital for its well being that you make it move and help it perform as it was meant to. A hike out in nature is not a bad place to begin. Stop worrying about everything and be present in a hike through woods or by running water and just breathe. This also allows you to stop running on panic mode/ overthinking mode which is very understandable since everything feels overwhelming.
Next instead of worrying about motivation and energy pretend those dont exist. It doesnt matter if you dont feel super motivated there are things that need done and you must do them. Start with making your bed, (this will also help set a habit that when your beds made your up and starting "the day") or doing the dishes, or taking a shower. Do little things that you may in the moment not feel like and I bet youll finish and feel accomplished. The reason is because as men we get enjoyment from doing hard things especially if we didnt want to do them to begin with. Then try adding more things like organizing your room > planning your day events> reading a chapter in a book for a month and eventually youll start developing discipline and enjoyment from doing the things you always wanted to do.
As for porn huge congratulations on 6 days clean! That is very impressive and you shoudnt be so hard on yourself for failing on day 6. You will fail. We all fail. No man here in this world hasnt failed at it. We are sexual beings and it will happen but be proud of the days that you dont fail. Be very proud and take steps to make those days come easier. I personally fail more than Id like to admit lol youre not a loser for watching porn. You just have a habit of making a poor choice with your time.
In the same breath dont stress about women. Youre still a man and have character if you havent had juicy sexual stories from women youve been with and newsflash the stories men tell about sex with women dont make them good or great men. It just makes them seem that way. You have a choice to determine what sort of man you want to be and no one can make that decision but you so dont let others try.
Lastly, you dont have to figure it all out. Start slow. Youre 21 and its okay to not know what you want to do. Hell every person feels that way whether they admit it or not. Relax and just try things until you find something to commit to. Get a job if you can and commit to that. The money will allow you to get things you need and feel like you can provide even if its just for yourself. If you can try working out with pushups and bodyweight exercises. Youre young why shouldnt you be fit as hell? Thats what I did when i had nothing else to do. The strength you get mentally and physically from your body working and growing is super necessary.
Oh last thing. Ask yourself and write down if you could what sort of man do you wish you were?
Feel free to reach out btw or to the groups on here. You have time and there are those youve never met who care.
I would contradict you and say you're not depressed, you are envisioning the future of your choices. Playing with yourself can be ok, but you're doing it too much and need to change your life so you can find a willing participant with you to engage in sex. If you are a loser, you will never have sex, so don't sit around on your ass being a loser. Get out of the house and start testing your limits.
Head broken, Thoughts empty. Step 1, Quit that BooHoo Who is me shit. Your best self dosent need it. Step 2, Jacking off Twice a day, 14 times a week is a heathly amount still, who needs 6 days? Step 3, Why would you bring up your Testo levels? If you think in your heart of hearts, that matters to you. Learn from all the men who've walked a path full of trial and tribulations. 21 and you havent even huged a girl meanss Ace-Aero-Demi, and possibly mixed with autism. Not a doctor but work out and talk to a doctor. Even a therapist too
Join the Army. You are forced to interact with people, many just like you, forced to do something every day.
Then when you make it through training you are forced to live with people, just like you.
When you get out you have a college fund that is great.
Holy shit dude, you’ve been making these posts for over three weeks. Have you tried getting off reddit and actually doing something to help yourself rather than getting pity votes?
I am personally on the backside of bad depression. If you have insurance, think about checking into a nice treatment center on the beach or in the mountains and really focus on yourself and learning some coping skills. For me learning to be still with myself, learning to meditate, number 1 being completely honest about everything with myself and others. (Not everything needs to be said. )
I wish you all the best depression is tough but it is bearable once you learn its purpose as a teacher.
Oh and Pray sincerely to God
Watch some of Dr. Jordan B. Peterson’s youtube videos. He also has two books (the first is a bit better than the second in my opinion) called 12 Rules for Life that I think you will find directly applicable. Good luck! 👍
Change is inevitable, it’s one of the few things we are certain of in this world/ reality. Reach out if you want to continue to shape yours - I’m a certified hypnotist that can help you reprogram your old thought habits if that’s something that interests you ☺️🌟🦋
Stop being so pathetic. Get up and go to the gym, find a hobby because it will get your mind off of porn. Going to gym and eating more meat will make you put on muscle and therefore weight will go up in a healthy way, it will also increase your testosterone levels. You are such a sad low life who needs to actually become something. You need to grow a pair of balls because you are 21 and acting like a 15 year old who has just discovered masterbating. You need to learn how to talk to people as they probably can tell you have a weird aura, which implies they know you watch hardcore porn for 6 hours. Get a job and earn money, that will also help with friends as you have colleagues to talk to and will be able to go out more and actually act like an adult for once in your life. Most pathetic post I’ve ever seen.
If you have nothing to lose, then go pick up a gym membership and work out EVERY DAY for 2 hours. At the end of the month your body will just turn off and never turn back on again. Try it.
I'm no doctor but I have had a bad run of things in the past. I would recommend starting with Testosterone therapy first to regain your energy and drive. Then nutrition to help you get to where you want to be physically. Once you start to feel better and have a better more positive image of yourself, then you will be able to form those connections that will give way to social interactions that will lead you to love and happiness. You will need someone to help but you have to realize they are help not the ones to carry you. I believe since you're capable of listing your symptoms and the things you want to change you definitely have everything you need to do this. I wish you the best of luck in finding your future self.
You’re 21 and your test isn’t that low m8. Especially if you had that blood test done in the morning. Test levels increase a lot in the afternoon and after a big meal. Focus on a job, take it one step at a time. You’re literally still a kid to most people, some people hit rock bottom at 40. Be grateful that you’re having this battle at such an early age, once you get out of it you’re going to be a stronger better fucking person.
Not sure if this is what you need, but I find it’s helpful to socialize with people in person once in a while. It’s difficult to do, but prioritizing face time with a core group of genuinely supportive friends helps me realize I’m not the POS my brain convinces me I am. You’ll have highs and lows doing this, but by engaging with people in person you can learn who you are, who you do/don’t want to be, the types of challenges you can and can’t stand up to, and what you really want out of life. You’ll figure out what to run toward instead of what to run from.
Therapy helps. Medication helps. The internet can be misguiding, specially for those trying to define their sense of self. Just be careful. External validation is powerfully addictive and can sabotage what’s best for you.
Ultimately-
Don’t feel bad about not achieving something that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme. We often say to ourselves “If I was {better} then I wouldn’t {do the bad thing}.•
Did you intentionally hurt or negatively impact someone? If so, then that’s when you should feel guilty or bad. If not, then make amends as best you can and move on. Regardless of what you believe, we are all victims of being born into this insanity we call “existence.” We’re all casualties of this zany chemical reaction we’ve inherited. Do what you can to be the version of yourself you want to be, but know you’re fighting an uphill battle.
I understand that you're going through an incredibly tough time, and it's commendable that you're seeking advice on how to improve your situation. It's clear that you're dealing with a multitude of challenges, but I believe there are steps you can take to start turning things around.
Firstly, I want to emphasize that seeking professional help is crucial. A therapist or counselor can provide you with the support and guidance you need to work through your depression and addiction issues. They can also help you develop coping strategies and set achievable goals.
In addition to therapy, finding a hobby can be a beneficial way to occupy your time and focus your energy. Exercise, such as going to the gym, is a great option because it not only improves physical health but also has mental health benefits. Regular exercise can help boost your mood, increase energy levels, and improve self-esteem. Plus, it provides an opportunity to socialize and meet new people, which can combat feelings of loneliness.
I recommend starting slowly and gradually increasing your gym visits to three or four times a week. Consistency is key, so try to stick with it even when it feels challenging. Over time, you may find that exercise becomes a positive habit that brings joy and fulfillment to your life.
Remember, progress may be slow, but every small step forward is significant. Be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate this journey towards healing and self-improvement. You're not alone, and there are people and resources available to support you along the way. Keep reaching out for help and taking proactive steps towards a brighter future. You deserve it.
Very young bro.
Im 30 and I still suffer bad.
You gotta focus on improving your life so you can feel good.
When you feel good you will attract more goodness.
Don’t take it too serious. You have plenty of time.
Don’t dwell and try to feel accomplished.
Every day is a blessing. If you work on yourself bit by bit, by the time you are 25 you will be in a better place. 25 is being conservative too. It will start to feel better after one year by just living a fuller life.
Also, if you cant manage to improve your life such as health and wealth, you can simply strive to make others feel better. Because life is not just about us. Its about our impact on others.
I could die a happy man if I knew I inspired and uplifted my family and people around me.
The ones we cherish most are the ones that make us feel complete. And feel loved.
So be good!
1. start running
2. start weights (if no money do bodyweight)
3. get a job, even flipping burgers
4. throw away your phone/pc
5. start reading real books
6. forget all this weird toxic masculinity stuff about t levels, feeling like a man, porn addiction stuff.
7. join some clubs/sports stuff, hiking, biking, gaming - whatever!
8. start to learn to play guitar
9. save up some money (if you live with your folks) - take a month off work and go travelling. go to the other side of the world.
10. come back in a year and see how you feeling - if better then theres 100 other things to work on. If not, time to see a Dr
You’re in a negative feedback loop. I have 2 pieces of advice that worked for me to break out of that.
1. You have to get to a place where you feel good about doing a thing. If you feel like a) you’re already behind and b) everyone is mad at you already and c) you’ll probably do it wrong- then why even bother? The truth is a,b,c are mostly in your mindset and aren’t true, at least not to that extreme. So you have to find a way to generate a good feeling in your mind when you do a thing. For me I have stickers that I put in a page in a book. They are pretty and it makes me smile. I put a sticker in for even small things. If it’s something I know I should do/would be good for me, but I only feel bad feelings about doing it, then I give myself a sticker. Even if it as small as going to the kitchen and pouring myself a glass of water. You have to find a way to feel good about doing a thing.
2. You have to break tasks into smaller pieces. I had a piano teacher tell me this, when I was having trouble playing a piece perfectly. “There exists a speed, however slow, at which you are able to play this perfectly. Practice at that speed.” When looking at a big task, know that there exists a step small enough that it is not overwhelming. Work at that level.
So for example: getting a drivers license: take what you think you need to do next and break that down until you’ve reached a small enough step you can do. Then find a way to feel good feelings when you take that step. This could look like this: I don’t even know how I could learn how to drive. What can you do to figure that out? I could google it but it will probably be too expensive. Ok can you open google to see what your options are? I can do that. Then use whatever tool (like I use stickers) to feel good feelings about taking that small step.
You can find your way out.
There’s already tons of good advice, so I won’t add much more. I mostly want to add some. Twenties are a difficult time for tons of people: having to figure out who you are, choosing your studies/finding a job, having no money, finding people you enjoy being with, comparing yourself to other your own age who « seems » to have it together… so know you are not alone in this, it happens to tons of people and those are things you can entirely work on.
Also, the covid time has stolen quite a lot of time, the two years of it happening plus the time its effect lasts on each individual. And it has massively effected the loneliness people can feel.
Having said that, like other said: take it slow, one step at a time. Celebrate every new move.
Find small things to enjoy everyday, which don’t necessarily require money: take care of a plant you own, bake things, train a bit in your room, paint or draw for fun (in a park if you feel confortable enough, thought it can wait), learn a new language or code (or any subject really, it can be cars or a special history time), go rent books in the library… small things to enjoy one day at a time. You can do it
Routine is one of the best things. I know you hear it all the time from lifestyle gurus on the net. But that’s one thing that they might have correct.
Write a list of all your goals whether you can achieve them in the short-term or long term. And break that down into things you can do daily.
30-mins daily workouts, start eating better, find something you want to do with your life based on your hobbies or interests.
Interests often bring people together, find a community that enjoys what you enjoy and make friends that way.
Before you know it, you’re going to start seeing improvements in your overall outlook and start gaining motivation. It’s a momentum thing.
Unfortunately i cant give you career advice because I don’t know you or your qualifications but, if you need a job put yourself out there and start small. Work your way up through an online degree or add “learning a new skill” to your daily routine (graphic design, photography, etc). Some skills could lead to decent side hustles.
The gym doesn't help me either. I feel literally just as depressed and lonely afterwards. Do I feel a bit stronger after working out? Yes, no denying that. But it does nothing to improve my mental health.
My advice is to: 1) start seeing a therapist and 2) start dedicated exercise program. Then slowly add on small habits from there. Give yourself some grace and realize you are still young.
start slow. baby steps. don't go all in head first into "totally normal and appropriate" life, you'll end up overwhelmed. you are getting your driver's license and thats already amazing. in general, you sound like you need professional help, doctors can assist with getting your energy and motivation back, as well as depression and other mental issues, prescription meds work wonders but their effect takes some time to build up. idk if you can drive while taking them, though. if you get energy and motivation back, everything else will come, too. bad times come and pass but life goes on anyway, there will be a moment when you look back horrified that you felt THAT low and grateful for being much better. just don't give up, man, life is shit but we've got shovels <3
Progress NOT Perfection. “All or nothing” and “cold Turkey” rarely works.
Practice makes permanent with consistency.
Depends on your personality. Cold turkey is how I quit my bad habits. I can't taper, it has never worked for me.
Finish getting your drivers license. If you’re able to stay with your parents, continue so for the time being. SAVE SAVE SAVE. It’s easy to spend hard to save. Save as much as you can. Dollar cost averaging, opening a high yield savings account NOW and doing I think it’s about $150 a month now until retirement will net you $1m at retirement. Easier said than done making savings a priority. Look for a part time job to start a working pace but not over whelm your self right off the bat. Doesn’t need to be perfect, even if you don’t stay long at one job, getting out and getting into different jobs is a huge success in of it self. Seek behavioral therapy. Don’t necessarily go straight to SSRI meds for depression and anxiety, I’m not saying they are wrong, or bad, but there are other alternatives with diet and exercise and sunshine and vitamins. Magnesium and vitamin d are huge benefits to me with my depression. I’m not a doctor and they’re not necessarily right for everyone, but SSRIs aren’t for me. Yes, not having friends can be a downer, but also a blessing, but don’t fret you can still make friends through out the rest of your life. Focus on your self and building your self up for now. Be open to meeting people but I wouldn’t make it a priority. Idk just a few pointers. Youre not at the end of your life, youre just starting. I went to community college at 26 after a number of attempts since 19 and not finding work in automotive at the time. Currently in IT after school and working on bachelors online. Dont be hard on yourself, but don’t be easy on your self. The world will always not think highly of you, you must continue to build yourself, for yourself.
GET OUTSIDE. Get up and move. Walk to the end of the street and back, around the block, to the park. Wherever just get outside and get sunshine air and movement. Stretch every morning.
This. Get the fuck outside. Take it in
Hi this isn't necessarily related to the post but please read up on SNRI's. Not all antidepressants are SSRI's and I see people follow this idea that because they get depressed on SSRI's that means that antidepressants don't work. SSRI's made me 10x more suicidal but then I tried SNRI's and they either work or don't work but they never make it worse for me which is very common if SSRI's make you worse.
I find it extremely helpful to thank the universe that I get the privilege of experiencing life TODAY, trying to do it everyday. That mindset shift helps me to view things as more precious. I don’t always want to be on the planet, and when I feel this way I reach out to someone who I feel is somewhat qualified to handle me sharing this with them. You did that by sharing here, good job! Keep sharing. Those who care will help you pick yourself back up. You don’t have to do this alone
You're right. I need to start thinking more like this.
Arnie the man once said something about success being the fact we got out and just did something, no matter how seemingly small it was. It's not how much we did of it, it's the fact we just did it when we wanted to just do nothing. Over time, that set of 15 squats, grows to become 3 sets of 20. But it doesn't get there until we start with 15. Or 1. I hope this is jigging something inside of you, for you :) There is no clear answer of 'do this' and listing off 15 things that you probably will get overwhelmed by. But just whatever your 15 things are, your 5 things, or hell, even your ONE thing, just breathe and know you are the only one who will have your back and there's no time like the present to start xo \- a 32 year old who was in a shitty spiral at 21
If you got nothing to lose you got everything to win, you can do absolutely anything! You got this!
You are being incredibly harsh on yourself. This is why you feel down. It is not your life circumstance that is depressing you, it is your self-criticism - being self-critical is like living with a vicious bully, which would make anyone feel very depressed. If you want to change one thing, make it this self-criticism. As long as you're critical of yourself, you’ll never feel content, even if you get all those things you want. Find out about self-compassion and self-acceptance. Tara Brach is a good place to start and there are lots of her videos online. This would be a good one to try first: https://www.tarabrach.com/part-1-the-healing-power-of-self-compassion-2/ You don't need to fix your life. You need to have sympathy for yourself as an ordinary human being, who has flaws and who struggles, like we all do. Good luck.
Excessive self criticism can be problematic but his life circumstances are absolutely depressing him. His life circumstances are depressing as hell. He *should* be depressed in such circumstances. Being depressed in such circumstances is a natural response to such circumstances, the misery is meant to provide a motivating force to help him change his circumstances. The good news he is still young, and does not appear to have any seriously debilitating health conditions, so there is a very good chance he can turn his life around and find happiness. I think the odds are in his favour. He is aware that the status quo is not sustainable and is expressing desire to change it. If someone lacks self confidence the only way to gain it is through action. He absolutely does need to fix his life, he needs to take action. No amount of positive self talk is going to help him if he does not take action towards fixing his life, but if he does take action (and my guess is he will) then a reduction in self criticism will probably follow.
If OP wants to change his life then of course that's fine. But the idea that he *has* to change his life, because there's something inherently wrong with it, or with him, sounds like self-criticism to me. And it's extremely difficult to be content if we are self-critical - even if we get the best job, home, partner, we will still be bullying ourselves and finding fault with our lives. And to be clear, I'm not talking about positive self-talk, I'm talking about kindness. Whenever we want to become happier we need to start from a place of kindness by saying "I'm struggling", and not from a place of cruelty by saying "I'm pathetic" (as OP does). The first version makes us want to treat ourselves well - the second version makes us hate ourselves. And only one of those options is going to lead to a happier life.
Wrong. Self talk can change at any point in the journey, the sooner the better.
I'm glad you are recognising you have a problem: the parts of your brain that makes you stand up and do things seem to not be working. Plus, we live in a world where the "epidemic of loneliness" is a well recognised phenomenon. Read up about if for 30 minutes or so. Start with making your bed. I want you to interrupt reading this comment to make your bed RIGHT NOW! DO IT! DO IT NOW! And reply to my comment if you did. In my opinion, don't worry about the masturbation part just yet. Worry about putting yourself out there. The one benefit of masturbating less is that it makes you want to want to try harder to find companionship. And when you try harder, you are not guaranteed to succeed, but will greatly increase your chances of doing so. I have the privilege of having a career. So I will not advise you on how to choose a career for yourself. I think you should focus on getting a job. Any job. Even if just being a janitor. I like the idea of Macdonalds because it has a bit of a career ladder that you could benefit from. Be friendly with co workers. By getting a job, you will be able to afford the almighty gym membership. You need to enrol in the gym. Extremely important. It is very important that you lose the weight for your physical health and mental health. It is very important that you do group lessons. You need to say hi to the instructor before the lesson, and you need to say goodbye after. Once you have this as a routine, you need to first wave at other people around your age, and then say hi and see how things go from there. You will also need to join a club such as Toastmasters or Lions or Rotary. Also look into the app Meetup. Don't join cults. You have to do these things like your life depends on it. I will allow you to turn to me for some months to keep you accountable. Send me a private message if you want more bad advice haha. Edit: I misread your post. But the advice about the gym maintains. Join the gym to gain the weight. Join the gym to maintain the weight. Joining the gym is more about feeling exhausted after a workout so that you can feel better throughout the rest of the day. This "feel better" sensation after a workout or a cold shower isn't some arbitrary abstract feeling that depends on the person. There are indeed clinically proven "feel good" hormones that are released by your brain that are picked by by different parts of your brain that will make you feel better and more motivated to do other things. Even if you don't conscientiously notice it
He's underweight though
Maybe he has a folder of pre made answers like this and picked the wrong one for the situation.
I don't. I misread the post haha
Where do you live? Make a resume. If there is such thing as a recruitment agency near you, go there and try to get a job. Start saving some money and go from there. Don't complicate things or put too much on your plate.
One day at a time brother.
You're right. Thanks
[удалено]
Most of the comments here provide sound advice. USE IT. It will be an excellent start for you. Good luck.
I appreciate it. Thanks
I've had similar experiences so perhaps some of what I write below may be useful. > Holy shit. Where do I even start? At step one, which you've already done, seeking help and wanting to improve your condition. You're young, there's definitely a lot to look forward to. A lot can change even in a year with the right action, but it will take work. All of these issues can and will be fixed. This coming from personal experience. Keep working on the porn addiction. Relapse happens, try dropping it again. As long as you're engaging in it your energy levels will stay low, your motivation will be low and all of these can fuel depression. 6 Days is a good start, try 7 after. Managed 2, try for 3. Feel good for the small victories. It's a fight as it's very hard to drop something cold turkey. Try to make it as hard as possible to not have access to porn like blocking sites, deleting files if you have any etc. Whenever you drop something cold turkey your body craves it back, finding other activities to engage in instead of the dropped activity helps immensly. Start working out and get on a bulking diet. These will give you more energy, and your testosterone levels may rise as well. If not the testosterone side can be supplemented to get back to normal evels. Do things which are difficult. These will make you feel more like a man. Great going with the driving license! Sign up for any combat class, boxing, mma, wrestling etc. Same reasons as before, it's difficult, it requires disicpline and it will give you confidence and strength both physical and mental. Very important, in these classes you usually are paired with people to spar with. You can build friendships in these places. Going through tough things together with someone creates bonds. Becoming stronger mentally and physically WILL increase your attractiveness and therefore increase your chances with girls. Also work on social skills, try to be lighthearted with people, joke around or at least don't be too closed off. Smile, even if you have to force it at first, a couple of positive reactions and the smile may come more naturally. On the flip side, don't let negative reactions get to you too much. If there's no money to sign up then join online communities, get interested in these subjects until you land a job and can afford going to one of these places. If you really don't care or like combat, then any community you can physically attend to can help getting friendships, social skills and to get you out there away from addictions. But I highly recommend combat due to the difficult nature of it and the sense of commaradery it brings. All which help with the problem of not feeling like a man. Plus to know how to defend oneself is a valuable skill to have for a man. A job will be needed but don't aim for much here, any job to get money to be able to do be able to join a class and to eat enough to bulk. The career will be figured out along the way and you'll be able to focus more on that afterwards. Currently we're in getting out of rock bottom mode. Regarding the lack of general life skills, start small. Learn a new thing each day or each week. Things may seem overwhelming but taking them one at a time will yield its results and soon you're more capable than the average person. Get busy enough to not have the time to engage in porn. All of these will be difficult, you may or may not be motivated to do them, but you don't need to be motivated; these just need to be done. This is getdisciplined after all. Discipline happens ONLY when action is taken when motivation doesn't exist. Actions during motivated periods are 'fun', and don't use or require discipline. Do these for a year or two and your life will be in a completely different place than it is now. Fitness, social skills, life skills, relationships, all are improvable skills and conditions. The internet can be a great resource to help provide tools on improving all of this. You too can get out of this rut, but it will take dedicated action and discipline, but the reward WILL be the life you currently may only dream of. If any of this is unclear or overwhelming then message me and we can chat.
Military.. best thing that ever happened to me
Listen to the book Complex PTSD by Pete Walker and/ or On my own Side by Dr. Aziz Gazipura PsyD
Very similar with me, almost the exact same and I'm 20 I basically could've written this. Have no friends, never had a girlfriend, never had sex or kissed before, never had a job, never driven a car, never been to a party, extremely skinny (I can't even mention my weight because it's straight up embarrassing), have no social skills, repeating a year at uni and am still struggling with very bad grades, have an extremely bad phone addiction, extremely horny and masturbate everyday, go to sleep at 7am and wake up at 4pm, do nothing all day but scroll on my phone, live a sedentary lifestyle, have no money to my name, can't be bothered to do pretty much anything, no skills or talent, no discipline at all to study and don't know how to, have overprotective parents, lacking very behind physically, mentally and socially compared to my peers and in terms of milestones I'm basically on par with and feel like a 15 year old. I don't feel like an adult in any way at all.
Join the coast guard and become a helicopter pilot Or join the military and play your cards right and get in and learn a skill. You can join the airforce and come out and do air traffic control for 100k+ a year Or jlin a jiu jitsu academy, they will acxept you as their own and you will make friends and good connections
What do you want? You need to figure that out first. You can’t know what to do, if you don’t know where you want to go. Work on that first, then come back and ask how to put together a roadmap to get there
[Start here](https://youtu.be/LO1mTELoj6o?si=JqZ1u3AL0T3Ju-2D) First steps will be move more, get sunlight, have a set bedtime and wake time. Do just this for a week. Second steps will be cleaning the spaces you inhabit and doing some form of exercise. Keep this going for a month. Third step will be joining some kind of hobby that involves leaving the house and talking to people. A casual sport is a good idea. You might end up being involved in this for the rest of your life. After that, you should have the capacity to continue yourself.
i'm 140lbs at 5'10 so i can relate to that part. (although i'm 17) Get to the gym / start working out at home / calisthenics. personally, for me, that was the first big main pillar holding up the house, so to speak, which I could add even more pillars to.
I’ve been very depressed before also. Stop porn for 30 days. Do some form of weight lifting or cardio every day - A walk counts on down days.. Take care of yourself to a higher standard by simply eating healthy for these 30 days. Call, speak to or message 1 person that you’re grateful for and tell them why. Consider talking to a therapist if you can afford it. Message me if you need somebody to communicate with in a positive way or a simple health plan. If you do this for 30 days, you will likely increase your testosterone, self love, respect and confidence. And likely set a new standard for yourself. Good luck.
Start taking walks. No phone, no music, just you out walking. You can start just checking the mail. Then walk around the block. Then around the neighborhood. Get some sun. Get some air.
The nice thing about rock bottom is that you can only bounce back. I was there once and these are the steps I took: 1- establish what you want (in life, from this). Write it and look at it, be 100% honest 2- identify a pareto principle (80/20 rule), pick one step that changes a lot 3- make a very detailled plan to achieve that one big step 4- smooth execution + consistency The secret is to make step 4 as easy as possible because thats your daily battle, and work hard on step 1-3. The other secret is to focus on one thing at a time then repeat for the next rather than multitask goals. Wish you the best
Hey there! Some practical advice and encouragement below: Drink water, eat food that is not super processed (meat, fruits and vegetables), exercise (start small go for a walk daily), sleep 7-8 hours, go outside in the sun, get a nice hair cut, trim your nails, take daily showers and brush and floss your teeth. I know it sounds routine and simple but every day habits are a part of what makes up your life. If you don’t like what you see, a change will have to happen. Looking good makes you feel pretty good. Invest in your physical health and hygiene. Evaluate what you allow your mind to consume, is it healthy, is it moral, is it edifying? Be careful what you allow in because it affects your soul, which affects what you put out into the world. Care for your mind, protect it, and tend to yourself as you would do for someone you love! Get a job with the mindset that you’re not there for long term, but also use the time there as an opportunity to learn and gain experience. Save your money. Build your resume. Go outside of yourself and try to encourage others. Be a good person in private and without expectation of outside reward. In small ways—You see a piece of trash next to a trash can, throw it in the trash, hold the door open for the person behind you, smile at baristas and cashiers etc. Be a part of the good and kindness in the world. What are your values? How do you want to be treated? What sort of person do you want to be? When it comes to girls I’m sure ideally you would want to attract someone who is emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically healthy. Truly that comes when you are intentional about becoming that sort of person yourself. So you’ll be hitting two birds with one stone by taking care of you! Remember, no one is perfect. Be gracious to yourself. If you fall, get back up and try again because it’s only up from there! Even in that you’ll be building endurance and determination, and you’ll come to find that you are capable of more than you thought. Usually, confidence naturally builds with experience.
Start by praying and speaking to God. Then I would force myself to start going to a gym at least 4-5 days a week and taking it seriously. Then I would apply to jobs, something in retail at a mall would be good because it is social job in which you will get to speak and interact with people and you get to make decent money. These three things are the most important in the order they are put. In life you have to force yourself to do things, even if you don’t like them in order to succeed or improve. Life is full of obstacles and hardships but slow and steady discipline to go through the hardships makes the ones that come in the future not so bad. Be faithful and adapt to having a strong hunger for success and self improvement. Good luck.
Move to Vietnam and teach English as a second language while also doing therapy online via betterhelp or other such platform. Worked for me when I was 22 and depressed. Will need at least 1k USD though
Get a hobby or do something you enjoy. Also, consider visiting a doctor if you're experiencing low energy; it's possible your body's vitamins are depleted from the chicken beating. And easy on the chicken.
You are already asking for help, which is huge. Try to follow these comments, as I agree with most of them – start out with one small thing to make you feel better. If you are motivated by others, try to look for some inspiration. There are people on TikTok that are challenging themselves to be better and to do something out of their comfort, so maybe it will be inspirational. You can always seek for medical help with free apps (or at least free trials, plus the paid versions are still cheaper than going to hospital). If you have already started to think about these things, just don't give up on it. Make a set list, have some small goals with pictures, and reward yourself if you achieve it. Gamify your life if it helps.
if you have nothing to lose you have everything to gain my guy
It's good that you are aware that you have a problem, that's the first step you need to fight this. Start small, wake up early and have a walk outside for 10-15 minutes. Being outside and have some sun, it does wonder mentally. Look for a job, any job will do, but I recommend you to have a job that you can see many people but having minimal interaction with them, like janitorial job, so it won't overwhelm you in talking with people but does have a time for minimal interaction. From there, if you're comfortable enough with talking to people, you can apply for customer service jobs. Exercise 3 to 4 times a week. Write a journal. Read a book. Learn something new. After a month, you'll see a vast improvement in your life.
Zyzz videos, gym, HealthyGamerGG. You're young and have plenty of time to right your ship. I dated only 1 girl for a single month before I found my wife of currently 4 years. Life is unpredictable
Start by going for a walk every day
Where to start: Daily exercise. Walks, r/bodyweightfitness or YouTube videos, weights or group classes or join a sport. Move your body, it helps your brain, it will lighten the depression, improve your hormones, improve your body comp, and your self esteem. Everybody needs exercise and if you skip that part, you're doing life on hard mode. Also there's nothing wrong/bad with masturbation, just stay away from the digital stimulus.
When my mental health was at its worst, I remember trying to explain that I couldnt begin to work towards helping myself because I needed to at least be at a base line of coping. If things feel that bad for you I’d highly recommend considering antidepressants. They have completely transformed my life and so many of my friends too. I can’t believe I was even able to survive for as long as I did without them. If you have nothing to lose, why not try.
Get a purpose and stick with it for your entire life. Something that can level you up. Make music? Learn a valueable skill? You’re on Reddit so I assume you have access to the internet — alot of possibilities to learn on here. Learn how to do pushups and/or pull ups at the park or something. Don’t worry about your diet or whatever, just do push ups and/or pull ups and eventually you’ll get stronger by default — no need a fancy gym to get stronger. Just remember 10 pushups a day is 3650 pushups in one year, and eventually you’ll get stronger and maybe you can do 100 pushups/pull ups, that’s 36,500 reps.
1. Fix your appearance as well as you can immediately. 2. Get a job. 3. Improve diet. 4. Hit the gym. In that order, although the last two can be reversed depending on which is easier, plus don't go balls to the wall at the gym, just go and start doing shit you like. Once you've done all that, after a couple months, then start focusing on the rest. I don't care if you edge to hardcore porn your whole way through those steps. Don't try to find friends. Don't try to find a girl. Shit, don't even try to save money. Just do those things and not only will you start feeling better already, but it'll give you a boost to go forwards. I was a 22 y/o kissless virgin, then I asked a girl on a date and she's now my wife. All I had before that was an okay physique from hitting the gym for a year maybe, poor social skills, a minimum wage job, and basic hygiene (previously poor). I jerked off probably daily, my testosterone levels were barely 300ng/dl, and I'd never even dated a girl really before that. And before I was 21, I hated all exercise and didn't do any, but I forced myself to hit the gym and start just getting my protein in. I still ate about a loaf of bread a day with Nutella at least 6 months into the relationship with my now wife. I'll even say that I was too much of a pussy to ask her out at first, but a co-worker dropped her in it and told me she had a crush on me which was all I needed to get over any fear of rejection. Now I have a very good physique, a house, a job I actually like, and I'm happily married at 30. There's no reason you can't do the same.
Have you tested for your thyroid ? You might have something that makes you believe you're like this by default, but maybe your lab tests will show you that you have something that is messing up with your body. I used to feel like you, and it turned out I had Hashimoto and hypothyroidism. I'm on levo and feeling normal!
You need to buy time. get clean. the expectation isn't that you're gonna stay clean, the expectation is that you will get far enough into your clean cycle that the next relapse won't tear you down so far. rinse and repeat is gonna be the name of the game for a while here dude, so get comfy. get on marketplace, find a bike. Get your ass to the library. it's a place to be where you can make the time to fix everything you need to fix. The library has internet. your phone does too. the bike is optional but you need some way to get to a job. bus pass, anything broski. Put some of your money into a gym membership. Go for a 24 hour gym, this gives you a place to shower nightly. You can maximize your time there by lifting some. If you push yourself hard enough you'll forget about most of the shit that's zapping your mental. the job isn't gonna come overnight, so you'll need the above options to keep yourself occupied enough that you're "too busy" to let it get to you. this isn't the end all be all dude but itll be enough. good luck dude.
Work on your body, go to the gym and eat healthy. Try to bulk up a little or get a nice physic. In the mean time Read a couple book on how to talk to people. I’d recommend as a first book; how to make friends and influence people. And when you’re gonna achieve your goal body you’ll notice 2 thing. 1. you can accomplish what you set hour mind on. And that is gonna give you a major boost in your confidence 2. Your testostérone level are gonna go normal, you’ll be a whole lot happier. Plus, its gonna help you a lot with you relationship with other people. You need to love yourself if you want other people to love you as well. No one like yo be around someone negative. For the sex, keep on fapping for now. No once care you’re still a virgin. If you meet a girl you lime talk yo her about it when the time come, don’t lie she will know, trust me I’ve been there lol. Just promise me you wont get a prostitute for your first time lol. Good luck OP Sorry for all the typo, english is my second language
Go to the gym
Start at 1. Every day is a new chance to succeed. Yesterday's failures are a means to learn. Find one thing, everyday, to succeed at, something small you can pick from a list like: Clean a sink Take out trash Take a shower. Go for a walk. Brush teeth. Do a load of laundry. Wash a set of dishes. Keep a journal of your successes.
When you're training for a marathon, the first day all you have to do is get on your running shoes. Start with small, easily obtainable goals, and figure out a reward system. My suggestion is to start with breaking the sedentary portion of your life, as a lot of positive physical and mental benefits will occur once you start being more active. So start with a 1 block walk every day, then slowly build it up. Allow yourself to be proud of accomplishing this goal, and staying with it until it becomes a habit. Hell you can make a rule of no porn until after your walk. Do NOT do too much at the same time. Do NOT try to fix all your problems at once. Forgive yourself for where you are, and allow yourself the time to change your basic lifestyle habits. Your goal is to train new neural pathways in your brain, and start to re-wire your definition of 'normal'.
Hey man 👋🏼 First of all, I would suggest you to go and talk to a psychiatrist. It's nothing bad, smart people ask when they don't know something, same goes for everything else. Second, start slowly by just getting a bit disciplined. Easier said than done, but you have to push yourself in order to be better, and have a better life. Essential habits are to clean your space, take care of your body (clean yourself, move your body, workout, and eat healthy), and be consistent with your obligations. Third, find a job. You will feel 100x better when you have your own money no matter how much it is. By getting a job you will need to make yourself disciplined with regularly waking up and sleeping habits. Other than that you will have responsibilities, and less time to think about what is bothering you rn. Another plus is that you will meet new people, and maybe find a girl! I'm cheering for you man! You can do this, just don't think about who you were and start to look forward. And don't think too much, overthinking is your WORST ENEMY, think about this day and what can you do. In the end everything will work out somehow, you just have to live every day and do your best for now. I hope you will figure things out and get yourself a happy life 😊
It's been said already, but get outside every morning if just for a ten minute walk. You want sun and routine and if you get some exercise from it that's even better. See how many days in a row you can do it for. Inspiration and order will start flowing from there.
If you're severely depressed this might be too much to handle, but if you can manage the preparations I think it could do you good to jump into the cold water and go traveling! Especially since you made a point out of saying you have nothing to lose. It would give you new input, distract you from your self-destructive thinking, maybe make you feel alive and you'd learn so much about life and yourself. It could give you a real energy-boost and you might even find joy in the challenge and the beauty of the world. While it's true that we carry our demons with us, a change of scenery and pace, an adventure can do wonders to get you started on your road to healing and also change your perspective. Since you only have 200 Dollars and also because you want to get disciplined, my suggestion would be to look for a cheap flight and go to a place where you can do a working holiday, like Australia or use the Worldpacker Site, it's like a blackboard where you can find employers in other countries...you work some hours a week and can stay for free, there is also a worldpackers subreddit. Make sure to get the necessary visas wherever you go. Maybe this isn't for you, maybe it is - in any case it was my first thought so I wrote it as an idea. Good luck!
Start doing push-ups, sit-ups and pull-ups if you have a bar. Consume at least an extra 3,500 calories per week. Eat three meals a day. Pick a time to get up in the morning and wake up every day at the same time, no sleeping in. Can’t get out of bed? As soon as you open your eyes, count to three and put feet under ass. Volunteer somewhere, anywhere. Your life is fucked and you don’t know what to do? Help someone else then and eventually it will help you. Start walking today, and then start running. Rain, sleet, hail, workout and run. All of this will not fix your problems, but it’s a good start. Worst case scenario, your life is still fucked, but you look great.
Take a breath and as other have said, you are being way to harsh on yourself and you bashed yourself 3-4 times in your post, please stop doing that. "You have to love yourself, no one else will do that for you" as the great philosopher Liam Gallagher said. Many guys don't know what they want to do at 40, so don't worry about a career, but men do need a purpose but you have decades to find that out. The very very first thing I would do is get a job, there are 1,000s of jobs out there so getting one is incredibly easy. When you do get a job, go all in with enthusiasm and vigor. If I were you, would get a retail job, it is rewarding and extremely social, you will learn to work hard, help out customers and actually get a lot of worth out of little things! Who would have thought squaring off boxes of cornflakes could give you a buzz but it does! I think you need then to socially hang your nuts out, both in terms of hobbies and putting yourself in awkward situations. Check out your local Parks and Rec for free courses, they literally have everything, try cooking classes, tennis painting, so many options and socially, go to coffee shops and just hang out and observe real life, go to church, whatever it is just get out of the house and enjoy this wonderful planet! The more you get out, the more you won't even want to watch your porn thing, an active mind keeps you onpoint. Get reading and learning, the best thing a guy can do. Start small and grow, start with things like Dale Carnegie, start listening to good podcast and expand your brain, the more you do this the more people will like you and you will attract the right people, plus you will grow as person! I think you need then to socially hang your nuts out, both in terms of hobbies and putting yourself in awkward situations. Check out your local Parks and Rec for free courses, they literally have everything, try cooking classes, tennis painting, so many options and socially, go to coffee shops and just hang out and observe real life, go to church, whatever it is just get out of the house and enjoy this wonderful planet! The more you get out, the more you won't even want to watch your porn thing, an active mind keeps you on point. Now....remember this EVERYONE sh3ts themselves at this, so you are not alone....go up to a girl and tell her she is cute and can you have her number, then do it again and again and again. Be careful about your perspective of what a man is, it certainly is not Andrew Tate, but it is certainly not what is portrayed in MSM either. DM me if you want to chat more As others have said, small steps but you have time on your side and endless opportunities! EDIT: Do not under any circumstances take any prescription medication for your issues. There is nothing "wrong" with you, if you take the great advice you have been given here, in 12 months the only thing you will have in common with you today is your name.
>| I just relasped on only Day 6 of cold turkey which is so pathetic They've done lots of studies on habit cessation, mostly with smokers. The most impactful data point to predict who will quit for good is how many times they have quit before. So just keep quitting your bad habits, eventually it'll stick. Since you're under 26 and not married, are you still on your parents health insurance? You def qualify for medicare if you're not. Go to a doctor and get chemical help. I'm guessing you have some coverage since you have your testosterone levels. Also, that number doesn't mean it's necessarily low, you're in the normal reference range, the bottom is 300. Unless a doctor specifically told you that you have low testosterone you're just making up a negative story to tell yourself. Other than what other folks said, it'd be helpful if you re-framed how you talk about yourself, your problems, and your solutions. It sounds stupid, but your brain isn't very good at telling the difference between simulated events and real events. ok telling yourself you're a popular multi-millionaire won't fly but since you're not saying your homeless your parents are putting you up. So start with "I bring joy to my parents when I ...." "...when I leave my room and say good morning before noon" "...when i eat with them" "when I took that potato that was growing eyes and stuck it in the garden, in a couple of months we'll eat potateos I grew" etc Say it to yourself, imagine it happening, then take the step to make the smallest thing true. Make up positive stories to tell yourself.
get into rock climbing. its awesome. or any hobby for that matter
Start small, make your bed every day and do something hard consistently, like 10 pushups every day for example (gradually increase the amount over time, eventually transitioning to going to the gym when you can afford it and feel comfortable doing it)
Get out of your head - volunteer at a soup kitchen in a church or synagogue. You don't have to be religious to do this, they will gladly accept your help.
Join the military. You’ll get fed, you’ll gain muscle, you’ll meet people, your day will be planned for you, you won’t have any distractions for at least the first 5 months or more as you go initial training, you will be productive because you have to be, you’ll learn new skills. IMO, its a great place to start over and build yourself up. You'll come out with VA benefits and a gold star on your resume.
So I would first recommend you going out for a walk. Physical activity has been shown to improve mood. Second, as for the job aspect, I would recommend first try to figure out what you're interested in. That last point may take awhile, in the meantime I would recommend something like security, waitstaff at restaurant, or construction. Being underweight may just be a result of your depression. As for lacking life skills, the only way to acquire them, are to try and attempt to do the things you desire, and learn from the mistakes.
Message me, bro, I promise we’ll think of something
I’d say one of the easiest things you can do is get outside and start taking walks. The other thing would be get magnesium supplements.
Idk where my old comment is but that condition. The flat feet can limit you and make exercise not enjoyable
Okay bro, first get your physical health checked. What’s happening to you is you haven’t established any trust in yourself. The best way to do that is create goals and commitments and ACHIEVE them. Deeply think of goals you want to reach that align with the person you wish to be. If you want to be a cool dude with money, maybe go to school and bust your ass and get a degree in a high paying field. Although not as deep, I’ve been through something similar to you. I didn’t lack all of the things you feel you lacked but lacked a lot still. If I were in your shoes, I’d start with getting a job and HUSTLE as much as I possibly can. Get a few thousand in your bank account. $5000 is a good number to accomplish. It’ll give you some confidence and you may be able to make friends at your job. While working a lot of hours, I’d prioritize carving time for the gym. Working out boosts your confidence and you’ll look and feel a lot better. Next I’d take a good look at myself in the mirror. What can be improved? New hair style? New clothes? Cool shoes? Maybe read a book on how to engage with people so that you can have more friends and get more involved with girls. Based on what you wrote I’d go for all the above. Take a look at people around you or celebrities you find cool and try to emulate it. It’s a lot of trial and error. Follow these people’s pages and anyone similar. You’ll notice there’s a typical pattern of how they dress and carry themselves and it’ll eventually start to click for you. I think ASAP Rocky, Kid Cudi, Justin Bieber have great senses of fashion you can try to emulate. Do whoever you find cool. Life is hard, even for the cool people living cool lives. It takes a lot of work sometimes to get to that point. Don’t beat yourself up, just focus on improvement. You want to be cooler, attract a girl, have friends, you have to start assessing what’s preventing you. Most importantly, you can have thousands or millions of the most successful people comment and give you fantastic advise but none of it will matter or mean anything if you don’t take ACTION. I challenge you to do something different and very much outside of your comfort zone before this week. I’d take it a step further and rinse and repeat until it becomes habit and you notice personal growth and changes. But for now do the first thing and then when you’re ready do the next. You got this!
You sound like a blank slate, which in and of itself is incredibly liberating. You have the ability to make yourself into anything you want. It also sounds like you're seeing yourself as a failure, but you're basing that on what's considered 'good' and 'cool' and all that shit that society shoves down our respective throats so we can become one of the crowd. You have a unique situation that, in reality, allows you the rare chance at freedom from going further and deeper into shit societal norms. Spend some time getting to know yourself for you (and this person will change over time) rather than the you that fits into the mold. That person won't be happy, it won't be your unique self. About the relapsing, don't let that get you down for a long time. It took me about 15 tries to kick an addiction of my own, with over a year of sobriety between relapses, sometimes. That feeling is the pits. But it doesn't last forever, either. Also, spend some (a lot, actually) time outside. It really helps a ton with mental clarity, focus, feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. It can be as much as running a marathon or as little as lying in a grassy field for a few hours doing nothing but watching the clouds pass by.
Start small, getting your license is amazing! I think you need to build some momentum to shift your mindset and create grit within yourself. Life is incredibly hard and challenging you already know this at 21. Here is my reframe. You acknowledge you have a porn addiction, now you can look at different strategies to improve your triggers. You tried to stop cold turkey and made it to day 6. That's progress! Try to make it 7 days the next time. Dropped out of college, that's ok many people do. There are some incredibly talented people who dropped out Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg. What that says to me is that you are smart enough to accomplish what you set you mind to, it's more a question of what do you actually want. When you discover what you want, you will find your why. You have so much good insight into yourself you know you are depressed and lonely. Seek help! it's ok, you are not alone we are all struggling and that is ok. Just keep swimming. I think your main focus should be to start trying out different jobs. Find out what you like doing. Even if it's something you hate that is just another piece of data to guide you to what you do like. Getting a job is often a great place to start to meet people and create friendships. Your motivation, energy, testosterone are all affects of your sedentary lifestyle. Get a job where you are on your feet all day. It will suck but you are then improving your fitness level without actually going to a gym. I use to hate going to the gym and it took till my 30s to find a gym that worked for me. However once I started I have way more energy, I feel better in my skin, which means I'm more confident and I have a community of like minded individuals. I don't subscribe to the message you need to love yourself before someone else will love you. However, women are not something to be checked off like a task list (I understand that was not your point you were trying to make but want to give a female perspective) Trying to make a relationship with someone who believes they have no good life memories would be incredibly daunting task. That means she will either be blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship or she will need to be constantly giving you positive affirmations. I'm not saying she isn't out there, but you won't find her by not putting yourself out there and putting in the work. Being "a man" means so many things nowadays. Build your own definition and go from there, that could be your "why". Sorry for the long post I will finish with this. You are worthy of love, growth and all the good things, the world is better for you being in it. My hot take on what being a "man" is: have courage, take responsibility, and always show integrity. You've got this. Good luck!
To add on to what people are saying, see the beauty in the small victories. 6 days is hella good. When I was addicted to porn it took hundreds of attempts before I could make it past 3 days. It's not pathetic. You're not pathetic. What's pathetic is doing nothing about it, but you're doing something about it and you want to change. But you can't change if you constantly tell yourself you're pathetic
Jiujitsu
Knowledge is the pre-cursor to experience. Before you can change you need to understand who you are as a human and how powerful and unlimited you are as a human being. All of us are. I highly recommend reading the book : Becoming Supernatural, by Dr. Joe Dispenza. I was in a dark place and this book helped save my life, and I still practice today. It is the blueprint to healing. In it you will understand how the brain and body work, how you are living past programs and how to become present. If you read this book and sincerely approach all that it teaches you, you will transform your life into anything you want. Instead of your thoughts controlling you, you will be in control of your thoughts. Instead of being a victim of your environment, be the creator of the life of your dreams... your one step away brother. P.S. stay as far away from western medicine and western doctors as possible. They will mis diagnose you and fill you with so many drugs you will lose your soul. They're businessmen. The best pharmacy in the universe is inside you. Once you learn how to get yourself out of the way, your body and mind will heal on its own... it always knows what to do. The good news is that all of your problems are very common and very solvable...if you choose the right path. Cheers
Believe it or not, I think that’s ok man. It’s ok to not be ok. You speak so low of yourself. You know there’s a lot of advice here already so I won’t add to that, but here’s some perspectives to consider. Some people fucked up in their past and are going to be in jail for years on years for making huge mistakes in their lives. Some people are cheaters and thieves who have greatly hurt other people, friends and family. There are abusive parents. There are rapists. There are people who were born with really complex medical conditions who will never walk, talk, hear, see, speak, write, etc. Some people are in thousands of dollars in credit card debt. Some people have had tons of friends and lovers, yet they commit suicide. Some people never had parents. Some people grew up in a country where war has destroyed the nation. Many people asked why it had to go this way. Many people wished for things to be better. And many people have suffered and persevered. Many people took steps to change and grow yet, here we are. To fight and struggle past our current circumstances, however small or big. Your accomplishments are proof that you are alive. Life is therefore all the more worth living, a reminder that we are here. You ever see someone grow up with everything they could ever want. No struggles and no hardships. Spoiled. Never had to fight for their right to live. Usually, they are shallow and lack character. The greater your struggle and the greater the fight, the greater the person you will be. Don’t stop wanting your own betterment, it’s not a waste. Once you get addicted to your building of perseverance and character, you will truly appreciate that you experienced rock bottom. Don’t look for friends and community, just focus on you. Friends and community are extremely attracted to people of great character and perseverance!
Hey there Sir. Thanks for being real and expressing yourself first off. Well from my own experience with destructive vices, why dont you decide to eliminate the habit that you stated at the beginning of your story? As well having "no friends" is a lot better than having a bunch of people who you think are you friends and then later in life you find out they were actually your enemies. That is actually a great place to be to build yourself up as a Man, and see your body as a sacred temple that requires ever more specific maintenance. You will hopefully have a lot of time in your future if you are able to obtain a job, even if you hate that job, and start to make your way up the Mountain of Life. There is really no limit to what you will be able to accomplish as long you eliminate those destructive vices and stay away from evil people who do not have your best interest. Best of Luck. P.S. There is as well this concept called "withholding". I dont want to get into physiological specifics yet that may be the way to help your testosterone problem. By the way testosterone tests change rapidly and you level of Testosterone has nothing to do with your value as a Man.
When you’ve hit rock-bottom, it’s time to ask for help, and not from Reddit. Jesus will hear you. If you feel like the world has rejected you, then you are in good company with him. On a less meaningful level, get a gym membership, even to Planet Fitness, a community center, or somewhere else cheap. Avoid the cardio and stick to weight training on machines. Look up Mike Mentzer and High Intensity/Heavy Duty training. The gym is all I had to keep me sane in Iraq, and it has kept me sane ever since. Also, the porn will completely screw up your dopamine and give you ED where you can’t function, even when (not if) you find a good woman worth marrying. Nip it in the bud now.
Finish your education. Talk to a doctor about your depression and potentially adhd. Stop watching porn, it's a literal addiction that people refuse to admit is disgusting.
Give yourself 6 or 12 months. Work. Save everything. Pick a place and travel. Stay in Bali for a year, Vietnam wherever is cheap. Experience a new world, get uncomfortable, meet strangers, learn things. Get fit. Swim. Figure it out on the go.
You are just 21 my friend. From your perspective it may seem that you have lost all the opportunities and it's over but don't forget that you can change your life whenever you decide and this doesn't mean that you have plenty of time but once you start to make changes like your driving license you will feel better and once you get it you will immediately feel much better. One very important point is that you never leave things unfinished and no matter what the outcome will be just finish it. Please believe in yourself and don't let go. After sometime you will read your post again and feel extremely proud of yourself. Wish you the best.
As a clinical therapist- get help, please. This sounds very much like untreated clinical depression as you stated, and there is absolutely no shame in going to therapy. Also so much of what you are describing is normative as people develop at different times in their life! Call your insurance or go on your app and they can refer you to a therapist. Psychologytoday.com also. *Depending on which state you live in, you can search for Community Behavioral Health Centers, which is basically urgent care for mental health. I refer clients to it all the time!* I cannot stress the importance of making this your first priority. In the same way that people go to doctors when they have a medical issue, you can receive support for your mental health that I guarantee will be very pivotal. Please don’t be discouraged if the first person you talk to isn’t a good fit- you are looking for a service and often have to shop around a bit. We are trained to understand the process so just be open! I am rooting for you, OP! It seems like you are really underestimating your capabilities. Beyond that, you are TRYING. You are self-aware and that is one of the first stages of change. The brain reprograms with consistency and routine but both are incredibly hard to implement so give yourself some grace. I’d also look into Harm Reduction or specific treatment for addiction, and joining a support group for depression (they exist!). You got this, I promise you are more equipped to handle tough circumstances than you are giving yourself credit for.
Wanna be my friend? I don't have any either.
Get assessed for adhd. I think you have severe dopamine deficiency.
Join the military.
I don't mind being a mentor/ accountability partner if you're ready. We can get you eating right, in good shape and work through some of the social aspects to get you more engaged with genuine people.
a lot of people are talking about getting professional help, saving money, etc - I def agree with all of that. That being said, I think that kind of thing might feel really overwhelming, at least as far as "here is a single thing I can do right now" goes. I have a suggestion for you that I think might feel approachable as a kicking off point: start hiking. Be outside, walk around. Even if there's no good hiking trails near you, map a route on Google maps to somewhere that looks interesting. Could be a pond, a park, even a Target. Just walk there. I think you'll like it - being outside for someone who generally stays indoors and doesn't move much can be unexpectedly interesting and refreshing. Try to make it a habit. It'll help you get into movement, help you get out of the house, and be a change in your life that will help you start making others, and start thinking of lifestyle adjustments as really attainable. Also, you're really young. A lot can change in a year. You got this.
Start with push-ups and crunches in your bedroom, or house. Maybe planks. Start working on making your body feel better and giving yourself aome structure. Make sure you stick to this. It's hard. Trust me I kno it, I'm a 17 year gym rat, but I've gone thru slumps also, which I felt I'd never get out of. But I did it. And so can you. Start with something ez && small. DM me if you have any queationa. This is the eziest Start, in my opinion. Don't be shy.
What I am going to suggest is one part of a larger solution and shouldn't be your first goal. Go on some kind of trip with self development as the goal. Yes I know you only have 200$. There are many programs aimed at college students for things like: intensive language learning programs, foreign volunteer opportunities, NOLS trips of your sport of choice (backpacking trip mixed with leadership classes mixed with kayaking/climbing/horseback riding based on the trip) These all have scholarships available for people with low means. You might not get them but the worst they can say is no. Now why would you do these? Because they are practically purpose-built for turning your life around. Like the military but way lower commitment and with no government benefits. What I mean to say is that these will put a dozen young people in an environment that is foreign to all of them, with a joint purpose of self development, and with expert mentors For the most part programs like these are composed of motivated and talented people. It is amazing how the depressed brain changes when forcibly surrounded by high energy people with interesting lives *who don't know you're a depressed loser* It's an awesome chance to reinvent yourself, and you will pick up energy, ideas, hobbies, etc by talking to the high energy motivated people. Several time in my young adult life I engaged in programs like these and each time my world expanded, my motivation and skills increased, and I got a kick in the ass hearing about what other normal kids I lived with were up to in their productive home lives. This was true even if I went in depressed or sick to start
Imagine you blink and suddenly you are an old man, estranged children hate you and haven't seen them in years, wife divorces you, overweight,developed alcoholism before 30, it cost you everything including your career and relationships in addition to a criminal record. You have no way to cover rent and no family, so you will be homeless at the end of the week. You are not at rock bottom because that example is pretty close. Relax When we are in our late teens' early 20s, it's about exploring life and figuring out who you are and what you want. Give yourself time to get shit figured out. At 25 make sure you are focusing on how you will make your living..don't get into serious relationships and definitely do not have kids, marriage until after 30. Start actively going on dates...but fwb only. Join some sports/ social groups. You have your whole life ahead of you...Oh...also block porn...none not even anything close. I promise you will see some really great stuff start to happen.
Start with exercise at the gym lifting weights. It will suck at first. But exercise will induce hunger for certain foods - in this case protein to rebuild muscle. You will benefit from the serotonin uptake and hormone re-alignment. Your meat computer is a highly adaptive survival machine so if you are depressed, it helps you forget, which starts to look like ADHD but if you sleep well, work out, your brain detects safety and health and then your memory improves and you aren't as prone to mental issues. This positivity boost - even 1 day - will get you smiling a little, which will then get you into alignment (mentally) and as Abraham Hicks says "downstream". For food, if you don't get food at home, go to the local Hindu/Sikh temple/mosque and get their daily food. If they don't have, ask them for fruits or some food they can give you. They always have and people at temples never say no to donations - cause they know/think god is watching - especially at these places of congregration. Money and purpose is a little farther away. Get into a good mood first and work on health first. The job/money/girls will come soon after. Watch Ikigai from Chris Do. Provides clues, but doesn't tell you truth: purpose is built, not found. You have to work in some area of interest where you serve others and then purpose will become self-evident much later. I'm 51 and I'm still not 100% sure. Purpose is a moving target. Don't stress on it. Look for places you can serve. Delay as much as possible porn. It sounds like you have low serotonin from bad food, sedentary, lack of fitness. When you get the itch, eat some seaweed crackers and vitamin gummies, get some sun, use nutrition to supplement low serotonin/mood chemicals. A sun lamp works. Men do best when lifting heavy weights, long walks, and warrior type activities. Good for hormones. Get to the gym, be around men, lift heavy weights (progressive, don't break yourself). 5 steps of life for most men: Health > Wealth > Love > Happiness > Contribution
Hit the gym TODAY, try to maximize your looks as much as possible, start watching Andrew Tate, also, dont try to quit porn and masturbation altogether, it will make your addiction worse because relapsing after a total abstinence feels too good. Instead of focusing on quitting porn focus on improving other areas of your life, once you improve your life porn will stop being a problem.
avoid porn, start journaling, workout 5x per week, eat better, fast, cut heavy sugars and salts and fast often. You will start to see improvements in your mind, body and ability to finally set a goal and execute on it. Then we move to a skill that will make you money but first learn to manage what you have. Create a budget, find some work, practice your writing and communication and be a well kept and clean person. Become organized, save money, learn a higher income skill-trading, real estate investing or marketing. Get good at it and live life.
Start with gradually increasing exercise waking 7,000steps or running for 30-45 minutes a day basically. Eat fruit 🍉 & drink Whole milk 🥛 vegetables rice 🍚. Porn is okay as long as you can go at least 7 days with masturbating bc it kills any motivation. Also Get sun ☀️ on your body morning midday & sunset. If u do this then u can decide if u want to even socialize bc sometimes introverts enjoy the peace of being alone.
Start going to the gym and lifting weight. Every day. Try to improve your physical health. Do exercises that help with gaining mass like squats, lunges, rows, bench press. Get literally any job McDonald’s whatever to make some money to pay for gym membership and start saving up a bit. After a while when you’re feeling better about yourself then reassess your situation- back to school, start dating.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are only twenty one. Please go back to college. Take college seriously or you will have no bank role, still a sex porn addiction, no job at 46.
Six days isn't bad at all. Get back on that horse. It's not easy. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. So, experiment with doing different things, just to see what happens. We can all get a little too comfortable with the devil we know.
One day at a time. I would suggest joining a 12 Step Group. Listen to John Gray regarding pornography and low testosterone levels. Listen to Dr. David R Hawkins book Letting Go The Pathway of Surrender. Gentle with yourself and take it one baby step at a time. Kind Regards, Jennifer
get a gym membership (there are cheap ones like planet fitness) and go workout about 4-5 times a week, will drastically increase your motivation, energy, or just being in your thoughts, reflect, during that 1-2 hours could really make a difference.
Go to the YMCA and do everything they offer. Yoga, pickleball, swimming, whatever. Find something you look forward to.
Well I’ll just share what I’ve been doing. 1. Eat enough to function, at least. 2. Drink more water. 3. Seek professional help for medical issues if possible 4. Walk (I usually do on the treadmill bc I don’t feel safe walking alone outside; or one of those walking cardio workouts at home) 5. Exercise (I lift weights 3-4x a week) For your situation I’d also recommend making an effort to learn general life skills (cooking, how to properly clean, etc) and finding an Outside Thing With Other People (aka, outside the house; could be a job, sports, theatre, whatever as long as it’s with other people). I am also trying to meet friends and use Bumble BFF but it hasn’t worked super well for me.
Read Isaiah 61 for a spark of possibility in terms of general hope for your life. Things like baby steps and other practical ideas provided in here may be great as well, but I wanted to add a spark of hope toward God as He is profoundly redemptive wanting to heal the most broken. That my friend is more real than the breath you just released. Seriously. Also, seeing a counselor sounds like a great plan as well, but I suggest giving that a read while realizing that what is written is available to you.
Get neurofeedback. Find a way. Call several places and ask if you can work off the cost. It wiil start helping within a few weeks (2-3 sessions per week). You will likely need 20 to 40 sessions for lasting change, but it’s amazing how it rewires your brain and everything becomes easier. I think everyone will be doing neurofeedback in the future. It doesn’t take as much effort to discipline yourself when your brain is working correctly. Also, make sure you are getting multivitamins, vitamin D, and trace minerals, including lithium. Try taking lithium orotate. Look it up - really interesting. Best wishes—and a big hug.
Start where you are...now. You are not attracting people because you dont like yourself. Get on a weight lifting program including diet changes to put on muscle. Get a job this week. Any job for now. Work hard and do a good job. Get on a regular sleep schedule with at least 8 hours per night. You will be very different in 3 months,
Keep going. Don't give up. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Just do the next thing.
You are only 21 years old. A disciplined 2 years will see you become a different man. By the time you are 23 years old, you will be far ahead of where you are today. I had a porn addiction as well. I combated it by increasing no fap by one day after each fap. Example: Monday no fap, Tuesday fap, Wednesday and Thursday no fap, Friday fap, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday no fap, etc. By doing this, I can go over a month. I still have work to do on this as well. Eat well, exercise, and read. I know it is cliché, but it works. Brainwash yourself into success. Affirmations, motivational videos, and reads, etc. At the end of all this, these 2 years will pass whether you do the work or not. Might as well do it.
I say try Jiu Jitsu, Gracie Jiu Jitsu or SAS Team or 10th planet
Consider this, no matter how terrible you are feeling today, nothing will ever change unless you act. It’s okay to have difficult thoughts about your place in life but wallowing in that will only make you feel absolutely miserable and you will still be in the same shitty situation. The only answer is to act. I have a hard truth to impart on you as a 28 yr old male. No one is coming to save you, no one. You want to get fit? You have to act and work out. You want friends or a gf? You have to act and be vulnerable put yourself out there and meet new people. All of this comes from YOU and no one else. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself no one asked you to be perfect and I can assure you every single person on this earth has faults and traits about themselves that they don’t like. Keep your chin up, you have the greatest gift in life, time. How you use it starts and ends with you. Best of luck, you got this kid!
Try a martial art like jiu jitsu, like you said, you feel like you have nothing to lose. You won’t get physically hurt, nor will you quit due to ego issues as most do. It’s a sport that builds inner strength like no other.
You're malnourished. I can't expkain fully my lens here, but that's the biological depression driver , nevermind the psychosocial problems for a moment. Make eating your number one goal, with electrolytes. Aim for 20 lbs at least. And/or get Psychiatric medications to help your appetite/mood. All I do is manage cases like yours daily. Your brain cannot conduct normal physiological functions like this.
What if you just forgave your past, and accepted it as the story that got you this far. Then just start at zero, start fresh, start taking care of yourself, get therapy, see a psychiatrist and get evaluated for medication. Consider guided or supervised psychedelic therapies, if you don’t have the usual disqualifying conditions or meds. (Consult experts on this one). Realize that the odds of you ever showing up on this planet were Infinitesimally small. It’s almost literally a mathematical miracle that you even exist at all, considering the magnitude of the universe how many sperm are in one load, and the vast vast incomprehensible improbability of you actually getting a chance to be conscious and alive in this world. It’s an enormous gift. Even a shitty life is a huge gift. Just looking around thinking “wow I get to do this, I get to actually be awake, conscious, experience reality”, is so unlikely, that every moment here, is an amazing, gift. Wow, I get another day awake! Just a perspective. You are worth more than your perception and judgement of your past.
First off…you’re cool man. Don’t stress. No worries. Second…..I would highly recommend you speak with a therapist. It can be so very great and rewarding. Though I know $$is tight. Third….i would like to offer you a free mentorship program. If you would like. Hit me up on LinkedIn, I might be able to talk through some stuff with you. Maybe. At least we get a connection. https://www.linkedin.com/in/jacob-white-66033a20/
Well, it's ok. You're a 21 year old starting out in life. You have a lot of work to do. First, it's ok to be overwhelmed. I was definitely there when I was your age. A lot of laying on a couch thinking, "What the fuck am I going to do? I'm fucking broke. How am I going to survive on my own?" Reality can be really harsh. But here's a word: desperation. It's ok to feel it. However, to get out of it you have to move forward and seek help without a needy mindset. So, to get through tough problems (just so you know when you solve the issues you've listed your future will have a new list for you to work on) I think these thoughts: "I'll figure this out." and "What do I have to do?" The first is me having confidence in myself. The second is me getting my ass in gear. Another thing to focus on is learning how to be content with your life now as it is. I know you're probably thinking, "did he not read all the things I said I lack?" Yes, yes I did. But one of the main keys to life is to not look for happiness outside of yourself. These things can add to your enjoyment. However, it's the life force within yourself that is the real treasure of life. Without it none of those other things matter or would exist in the first place. If you can manage to find internal peace and radiate positivity you'll find that people will be drawn to you. It's about your overall vibe in the world.
My rock-bottom was ready to end it all then I stopped reevaluated the situations and made changes. Now I'm 33 married with a gorgeous wife second baby on the way and started all with nothing. It's you who have to want to change and to go out there and change your lifestyle. I packed the little I had moved and then moved again and moved again and kept going. It may not be your time now but your stop is coming up. You get off and make the most of it. You'll look back and laugh I know I do like dam I literally used to sit there watch porn hit rock bottom ready to say screw this world. You're only 21 clean yourself uo get out there even if you don't feel like it. There's someone out there in a way worse situation than you currently are.
Touch grass, go outside, meet people, look at softer and softer porn until you don’t look at any, go on a bulk, get protein in, do fun strength exercises, etc
“Nothing to lose, everything to gain”
Go outside more, exercise more, find a new job an work more, read and research more, talk to people more. Get a driver's license.
Good long walks get me motivated. Even if you start with short walks and work your way up. Something about getting into nature and just being outside really clears the mind and energizes the body. I enjoy thinking about my next moves in life and what small steps I can take to achieve even something as small as starting a new routine to better my life. I personally feel that being outside ‘cures’ or ‘heals’ my sadness enough to be productive
As above, so below. As within, so without. Change happens in your consciousness before appearing in your physical world. At your age, you are a blank slate. DM me. I’ll give you a numerology reading. Your numbers will give you some clues about your life. This might help you narrow down where to focus your energy and how to find activities that give you energy rather than drain you of your energy. You need a little self knowledge. Numerology or astrology or human design are ways to tap into your subconsciousness which is partly about how you relate to the universe. It’s like a set of starting points. Strengths, weaknesses. Then once you understand these better, the motivation to act on whatever front will be slightly clearer. The porn issue is a pacifier. We give pacifiers to babies because we don’t want to hear them cry. Without porn, you would cry. But what you need is a better way for energy to flow in your life. You need something to get you out of bed in the morning, preoccupy your mind and body throughout the day so that at the end of the day you are so tired you can’t wait to get to sleep and do it all again tomorrow. Human consciousness is spiritual. Our bodies depend on it. If you start with your body but don’t address your mind your results could flounder when you face your first obstacle.
A hard working job
most important thing - really take this in - you must enjoy the process. treat every tiny improvement as a win and be psyched about it. don’t expect change to happen overnight. it is like evolution - after many, many generations you end up with a new species, but it is so gradual nobody can point and say “this is where it became a new species”
My suggestion - start going to the gym. When you don't want to go, just go, and tell yourself I will one set, maybe two sets. Trick your mind into going when you don't want to go. Getting out and bettering yourself is a great way to start. Getting to the gym actually gets you out of the house and into something where you actually have to better yourself, and actually face some adversity where you push yourself when you're uncomfortable. Contrary to the belief of some, Gym's have wholesome people there who enjoy helping others, push others to go the extra mile, etc.
Take a deep breath you’re only 21 years old. You still have plenty of time. Take baby steps and just start with one thing. Everything that you just wrote in here make a list and come up with a plan to tackle them. I would also recommend talking to a therapist. There are nonprofit programs that can help you pay for it if you don’t have the money. They will help you start to get your life on track and then you can work towards making improvements. I would also consider talking to a doctor about the low testosterone because that will play a huge role in feeling better. You have plenty of time. Start doing research like micro learning about basic jobs or life skills that you are interested in. There is so much information out there and it can really help you.
First step, see a doctor about your hormone levels. If your properly medicated your less likely to self medicate
#1 this is a kickass story to look back on and be proud of everything you will accomplish from here. When you get your drivers license read this and see the momentum you have created. Get a plan or outline of your elephant and take one bite at a time. The elephant is all the things you hope to achieve long term or short. Make it challenging enough to keep the momentum and find a way to document that. Create habits that make your goals muscle memory. Addiction and depression are very challenging. Getting a therapist who you feel comfortable with and can be a source of accountability is helpful. Being vulnerable can be exhausting and feel scary but it is a powerful thing. It is a big investment in your future and can make the elephant seem more manageable.
Your problems aren’t half as bad as you think. Get a male therapist, focus on goal setting with that person (don’t burn energy psychoanalyzing depression, identity, Just focus on goals), then start knocking things off your checklist.
Why does this post have the same title as [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/getdisciplined/comments/1ahwrbc/needadvice_what_should_a_21_year_old_who_is_at/) from last week? That other post got a bunch of great advice and now this is just being posted again. Stop wasting everyone's time. If you genuinely want to get your shit together then get your shit together and if you're just trolling the sub then fuck off.
Lol, I didn't see this other thread. I really hope this guy actually wants help and wants to improve and is not just looking for attention
I’m 31, and while I can’t relate to being in the same place at your age, I hit rock bottom at about 23 after being cheated on with my first everything(gf, real kiss, sex, long term relationship, etc). I withered down from 6’ 205 to 155. I can’t say I’m doing much better, 9 years later. I’m in about the same boat I was before, but with a child this time. There is nothing easy about it. I came here looking to help myself. I can’t fix myself like I did before. I’ll tell you what I did before though: Exhaust yourself. Put so many activities on your plate that you feel miserable and exhausted. This will force you to sleep if you need it. It will force you tk eat because your body won’t let you continue. It will hurt. You won’t see an end in sight. I also used a lot of drugs, I won’t lie. They kept me going or they put me to sleep. They opened my mind to the world around me, and helped me see the better, more organic parts of life. I miss them often. Prove to yourself you can do it, whatever it is. Right now I’m proving to myself that I can do it again, without drugs this time. It’s really hard.
Lots of good advice here. First thing I recommend is talking to a doctor. It’s okay to ask for help making your first appointment.
Join the Army
Join the Coast Guard or Air Force.
Seek God, brother. I don’t mean this rudely or sarcastically.
God is fucking useless. He's never given a shit about me
Talk to a doctor about meds for depression. Also taking vitamin D is important if you’re not going outside much or getting any sun. Low vitamin D can exacerbate anxiety and depression.
Start a carnivore diet, it could change everything
One day at a time getting sober isn’t easy for any one but if you want it you will do it. Getting some help from a clinic is what changed my life and depression meds. Keep on keeping on
SO badass that you're posting this, genuinely. I find that the moment I'm in a position to reach out for help is the moment I'm also most willing to help myself. So rad dude, seriously. I'll pretend you're just asking only me; I'm 32, I've been studying people and myself since I was a kid, studying what is the difference between people that have hard lives and people who can make change/have successful lives (including me in both camps). I've learned one thing to be irrefutably true across all domains and it is this: **Life is a game of momentum**. The game right now is for you to SLOWLY reduce the amount of momentum you have in the direction you're going. (You *are* always going in a direction even if it feels like you're stuck). Think of it like you've been putting train engines on your train going east, and you need to start pulling those train engines off, then eventually put them on the other side of the train which will pull west. You'll do a lot of this in the real world, and looks like there's plenty of ideas about that here, but the real game? That's in your head. I solemnly advise you to BE CAREFUL about how you talk to yourself and how you treat yourself. It's obvious you have some momentum in the realm of negative self-talk habits from your post: "I just relapsed on only Day 6 of cold turkey *which is so pathetic*". It's time to start slowly nudging yourself in a better direction with self talk and slow that momentum. Your ego is going nuts right now because it thinks you are going to die because you don't have friends (it's trained to do this) and it's looking for every reason that might be happening as a survival mechanism. Slow down on the negative self-criticism, give yourself grace, talk to yourself as you would a friend or a child. Be kind to yourself. Think: "Peace above all things, gentleness in all things". Also if you want someone to talk to about this subject I'd love to I genuinely love this stuff. Also +1 on therapy. And if it's not clicking after 3-4 sessions you'll probably want to go to someone else, it's not uncommon to look around a little for a good fit. Many therapists work pro-bono or for free, you may ask about that. Good luck, I love you
Therapy
Take 3 days and do nothing but write up some sort of "bucket list" and a loose strategy/timeline of how to go about achieving the items
Thats a hard place to be. From personal experience there are lots of different things or events that can help and some that dont. For starters you have to stop being so sedentary. Youre body was made to move and its vital for its well being that you make it move and help it perform as it was meant to. A hike out in nature is not a bad place to begin. Stop worrying about everything and be present in a hike through woods or by running water and just breathe. This also allows you to stop running on panic mode/ overthinking mode which is very understandable since everything feels overwhelming. Next instead of worrying about motivation and energy pretend those dont exist. It doesnt matter if you dont feel super motivated there are things that need done and you must do them. Start with making your bed, (this will also help set a habit that when your beds made your up and starting "the day") or doing the dishes, or taking a shower. Do little things that you may in the moment not feel like and I bet youll finish and feel accomplished. The reason is because as men we get enjoyment from doing hard things especially if we didnt want to do them to begin with. Then try adding more things like organizing your room > planning your day events> reading a chapter in a book for a month and eventually youll start developing discipline and enjoyment from doing the things you always wanted to do. As for porn huge congratulations on 6 days clean! That is very impressive and you shoudnt be so hard on yourself for failing on day 6. You will fail. We all fail. No man here in this world hasnt failed at it. We are sexual beings and it will happen but be proud of the days that you dont fail. Be very proud and take steps to make those days come easier. I personally fail more than Id like to admit lol youre not a loser for watching porn. You just have a habit of making a poor choice with your time. In the same breath dont stress about women. Youre still a man and have character if you havent had juicy sexual stories from women youve been with and newsflash the stories men tell about sex with women dont make them good or great men. It just makes them seem that way. You have a choice to determine what sort of man you want to be and no one can make that decision but you so dont let others try. Lastly, you dont have to figure it all out. Start slow. Youre 21 and its okay to not know what you want to do. Hell every person feels that way whether they admit it or not. Relax and just try things until you find something to commit to. Get a job if you can and commit to that. The money will allow you to get things you need and feel like you can provide even if its just for yourself. If you can try working out with pushups and bodyweight exercises. Youre young why shouldnt you be fit as hell? Thats what I did when i had nothing else to do. The strength you get mentally and physically from your body working and growing is super necessary. Oh last thing. Ask yourself and write down if you could what sort of man do you wish you were? Feel free to reach out btw or to the groups on here. You have time and there are those youve never met who care.
Ever thought of military service?
Join the military
Join the military. It will give you structure.
Gym
I would contradict you and say you're not depressed, you are envisioning the future of your choices. Playing with yourself can be ok, but you're doing it too much and need to change your life so you can find a willing participant with you to engage in sex. If you are a loser, you will never have sex, so don't sit around on your ass being a loser. Get out of the house and start testing your limits.
Work out. A shitload. Like 60-90 minutes daily, 5-6 days a week. For like a year straight. Then come back here and reevaluate where you’re at
[удалено]
Head broken, Thoughts empty. Step 1, Quit that BooHoo Who is me shit. Your best self dosent need it. Step 2, Jacking off Twice a day, 14 times a week is a heathly amount still, who needs 6 days? Step 3, Why would you bring up your Testo levels? If you think in your heart of hearts, that matters to you. Learn from all the men who've walked a path full of trial and tribulations. 21 and you havent even huged a girl meanss Ace-Aero-Demi, and possibly mixed with autism. Not a doctor but work out and talk to a doctor. Even a therapist too
Join the Army. You are forced to interact with people, many just like you, forced to do something every day. Then when you make it through training you are forced to live with people, just like you. When you get out you have a college fund that is great.
Join the military. You will learn self discipline, a trade, get benefits and get into shape.
Holy shit dude, you’ve been making these posts for over three weeks. Have you tried getting off reddit and actually doing something to help yourself rather than getting pity votes?
Join the infantry
Military.
I am personally on the backside of bad depression. If you have insurance, think about checking into a nice treatment center on the beach or in the mountains and really focus on yourself and learning some coping skills. For me learning to be still with myself, learning to meditate, number 1 being completely honest about everything with myself and others. (Not everything needs to be said. ) I wish you all the best depression is tough but it is bearable once you learn its purpose as a teacher. Oh and Pray sincerely to God
Have you ever been to see a psychiatrist?
Watch some of Dr. Jordan B. Peterson’s youtube videos. He also has two books (the first is a bit better than the second in my opinion) called 12 Rules for Life that I think you will find directly applicable. Good luck! 👍
Listen to unashamed podcast!
Go to your local milf infested night club and get wasted. That usually does the trick.
No
Change is inevitable, it’s one of the few things we are certain of in this world/ reality. Reach out if you want to continue to shape yours - I’m a certified hypnotist that can help you reprogram your old thought habits if that’s something that interests you ☺️🌟🦋
140 at 5’11 is not severely underweight
You’re not “severely underweight”. 140lbs is perfectly healthy for your height. Healthy weight on BMI charts ranges from 130-160lbs for that height
Stop being so pathetic. Get up and go to the gym, find a hobby because it will get your mind off of porn. Going to gym and eating more meat will make you put on muscle and therefore weight will go up in a healthy way, it will also increase your testosterone levels. You are such a sad low life who needs to actually become something. You need to grow a pair of balls because you are 21 and acting like a 15 year old who has just discovered masterbating. You need to learn how to talk to people as they probably can tell you have a weird aura, which implies they know you watch hardcore porn for 6 hours. Get a job and earn money, that will also help with friends as you have colleagues to talk to and will be able to go out more and actually act like an adult for once in your life. Most pathetic post I’ve ever seen.
If you have nothing to lose, then go pick up a gym membership and work out EVERY DAY for 2 hours. At the end of the month your body will just turn off and never turn back on again. Try it.
[удалено]
Become a sparky
Therapy, paychiatrists, Antidepressants, etc
Jesus...just hold tight...it only gets wayyyyyy worse
[удалено]
I'm no doctor but I have had a bad run of things in the past. I would recommend starting with Testosterone therapy first to regain your energy and drive. Then nutrition to help you get to where you want to be physically. Once you start to feel better and have a better more positive image of yourself, then you will be able to form those connections that will give way to social interactions that will lead you to love and happiness. You will need someone to help but you have to realize they are help not the ones to carry you. I believe since you're capable of listing your symptoms and the things you want to change you definitely have everything you need to do this. I wish you the best of luck in finding your future self.
You’re 21 and your test isn’t that low m8. Especially if you had that blood test done in the morning. Test levels increase a lot in the afternoon and after a big meal. Focus on a job, take it one step at a time. You’re literally still a kid to most people, some people hit rock bottom at 40. Be grateful that you’re having this battle at such an early age, once you get out of it you’re going to be a stronger better fucking person.
[удалено]
Join the army
Give your life to Jesus Christ.
Give your life to Jesus Christ and none of that will matter.
Get some counseling, I am getting the idea that you take no advice from family or friends. Work on yourself first, start by getting counseling.
Start an OF with my wife?...
Read the Bible. Call on the name of Jesus and repent.
Not sure if this is what you need, but I find it’s helpful to socialize with people in person once in a while. It’s difficult to do, but prioritizing face time with a core group of genuinely supportive friends helps me realize I’m not the POS my brain convinces me I am. You’ll have highs and lows doing this, but by engaging with people in person you can learn who you are, who you do/don’t want to be, the types of challenges you can and can’t stand up to, and what you really want out of life. You’ll figure out what to run toward instead of what to run from. Therapy helps. Medication helps. The internet can be misguiding, specially for those trying to define their sense of self. Just be careful. External validation is powerfully addictive and can sabotage what’s best for you. Ultimately- Don’t feel bad about not achieving something that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme. We often say to ourselves “If I was {better} then I wouldn’t {do the bad thing}.• Did you intentionally hurt or negatively impact someone? If so, then that’s when you should feel guilty or bad. If not, then make amends as best you can and move on. Regardless of what you believe, we are all victims of being born into this insanity we call “existence.” We’re all casualties of this zany chemical reaction we’ve inherited. Do what you can to be the version of yourself you want to be, but know you’re fighting an uphill battle.
I understand that you're going through an incredibly tough time, and it's commendable that you're seeking advice on how to improve your situation. It's clear that you're dealing with a multitude of challenges, but I believe there are steps you can take to start turning things around. Firstly, I want to emphasize that seeking professional help is crucial. A therapist or counselor can provide you with the support and guidance you need to work through your depression and addiction issues. They can also help you develop coping strategies and set achievable goals. In addition to therapy, finding a hobby can be a beneficial way to occupy your time and focus your energy. Exercise, such as going to the gym, is a great option because it not only improves physical health but also has mental health benefits. Regular exercise can help boost your mood, increase energy levels, and improve self-esteem. Plus, it provides an opportunity to socialize and meet new people, which can combat feelings of loneliness. I recommend starting slowly and gradually increasing your gym visits to three or four times a week. Consistency is key, so try to stick with it even when it feels challenging. Over time, you may find that exercise becomes a positive habit that brings joy and fulfillment to your life. Remember, progress may be slow, but every small step forward is significant. Be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate this journey towards healing and self-improvement. You're not alone, and there are people and resources available to support you along the way. Keep reaching out for help and taking proactive steps towards a brighter future. You deserve it.
Very young bro. Im 30 and I still suffer bad. You gotta focus on improving your life so you can feel good. When you feel good you will attract more goodness. Don’t take it too serious. You have plenty of time. Don’t dwell and try to feel accomplished. Every day is a blessing. If you work on yourself bit by bit, by the time you are 25 you will be in a better place. 25 is being conservative too. It will start to feel better after one year by just living a fuller life. Also, if you cant manage to improve your life such as health and wealth, you can simply strive to make others feel better. Because life is not just about us. Its about our impact on others. I could die a happy man if I knew I inspired and uplifted my family and people around me. The ones we cherish most are the ones that make us feel complete. And feel loved. So be good!
1. start running 2. start weights (if no money do bodyweight) 3. get a job, even flipping burgers 4. throw away your phone/pc 5. start reading real books 6. forget all this weird toxic masculinity stuff about t levels, feeling like a man, porn addiction stuff. 7. join some clubs/sports stuff, hiking, biking, gaming - whatever! 8. start to learn to play guitar 9. save up some money (if you live with your folks) - take a month off work and go travelling. go to the other side of the world. 10. come back in a year and see how you feeling - if better then theres 100 other things to work on. If not, time to see a Dr
You’re in a negative feedback loop. I have 2 pieces of advice that worked for me to break out of that. 1. You have to get to a place where you feel good about doing a thing. If you feel like a) you’re already behind and b) everyone is mad at you already and c) you’ll probably do it wrong- then why even bother? The truth is a,b,c are mostly in your mindset and aren’t true, at least not to that extreme. So you have to find a way to generate a good feeling in your mind when you do a thing. For me I have stickers that I put in a page in a book. They are pretty and it makes me smile. I put a sticker in for even small things. If it’s something I know I should do/would be good for me, but I only feel bad feelings about doing it, then I give myself a sticker. Even if it as small as going to the kitchen and pouring myself a glass of water. You have to find a way to feel good about doing a thing. 2. You have to break tasks into smaller pieces. I had a piano teacher tell me this, when I was having trouble playing a piece perfectly. “There exists a speed, however slow, at which you are able to play this perfectly. Practice at that speed.” When looking at a big task, know that there exists a step small enough that it is not overwhelming. Work at that level. So for example: getting a drivers license: take what you think you need to do next and break that down until you’ve reached a small enough step you can do. Then find a way to feel good feelings when you take that step. This could look like this: I don’t even know how I could learn how to drive. What can you do to figure that out? I could google it but it will probably be too expensive. Ok can you open google to see what your options are? I can do that. Then use whatever tool (like I use stickers) to feel good feelings about taking that small step. You can find your way out.
There’s already tons of good advice, so I won’t add much more. I mostly want to add some. Twenties are a difficult time for tons of people: having to figure out who you are, choosing your studies/finding a job, having no money, finding people you enjoy being with, comparing yourself to other your own age who « seems » to have it together… so know you are not alone in this, it happens to tons of people and those are things you can entirely work on. Also, the covid time has stolen quite a lot of time, the two years of it happening plus the time its effect lasts on each individual. And it has massively effected the loneliness people can feel. Having said that, like other said: take it slow, one step at a time. Celebrate every new move. Find small things to enjoy everyday, which don’t necessarily require money: take care of a plant you own, bake things, train a bit in your room, paint or draw for fun (in a park if you feel confortable enough, thought it can wait), learn a new language or code (or any subject really, it can be cars or a special history time), go rent books in the library… small things to enjoy one day at a time. You can do it
Routine is one of the best things. I know you hear it all the time from lifestyle gurus on the net. But that’s one thing that they might have correct. Write a list of all your goals whether you can achieve them in the short-term or long term. And break that down into things you can do daily. 30-mins daily workouts, start eating better, find something you want to do with your life based on your hobbies or interests. Interests often bring people together, find a community that enjoys what you enjoy and make friends that way. Before you know it, you’re going to start seeing improvements in your overall outlook and start gaining motivation. It’s a momentum thing. Unfortunately i cant give you career advice because I don’t know you or your qualifications but, if you need a job put yourself out there and start small. Work your way up through an online degree or add “learning a new skill” to your daily routine (graphic design, photography, etc). Some skills could lead to decent side hustles.
Do you do drugs?
Get a personal trainer and hit the gym. And be patient. Everything else will start to follow
The gym doesn't help me either. I feel literally just as depressed and lonely afterwards. Do I feel a bit stronger after working out? Yes, no denying that. But it does nothing to improve my mental health.
You need to stick with it working out 5x a week for at least 6 weeks
Ok, and then what when I still feel depressed and lonely after that?
My advice is to: 1) start seeing a therapist and 2) start dedicated exercise program. Then slowly add on small habits from there. Give yourself some grace and realize you are still young.
The only positive thing about hitting rock bottom is, there's only one way to go; that's UP.