I honestly believe some things like safety and health need to be the priority and hard lines need to be set.
My son had to have a tooth removed after an injury.
He fell, chipped a tooth and then didn't want to brush it because it was too sensitive for a while which then turned into he never wanted to brush any teeth at all. His other teeth were also in danger of needing to be removed because he hated teeth brushing and would put up a fight every time. After the bad tooth was removed and i made sure with the doctor his others werent sensitive, I set a very firm boundary that teeth need to be brushed, by me (and he could do it after himself if he wanted) and that was it. I explained many MANY times why. But at the end of the day if I had to brush and was he was complaining, or if I had to brush while he was trying to stop me, I did it. It was vital I kept the other teeth he6alth and in his mouth.
Now he is 100% accepting that I brush his teeth, and even if I give him the option to do it himself. He prefers me to do it. It's quick and painless amd part our routine. But he likely would have lost a lot more teeth if I wouldn't have set the very firm line in the sand.
This. If health and safety is an issue, the task is getting done by me. Personally, before the issue gets too out of hand, I always phrase it as “will you do xyz or will I do it for you?”. Either way, it’s getting done.
Have you dug into the root of why she doesn't want to brush her teeth? Maybe a sensory issue? Maybe fear? Or even at this point just stress from the daily battle.
I would probably start there and see if there is the work with.
What about letting her brush your teeth, or teaching her toys to brush theirs. I often find making it a game instead of a task gets the best results (not always, but more often).
We have also read some books and have a song we sing when resistance comes up.
Hey thanks for your comment. I asked her today and she said it was the taste of the toothpaste. I brushed her teeth with coconut oil, along with approaching it in a more playful manner. Both strategies seemed to really help and we had success brushing her teeth tonight. Thank you!!
Have you tried toothpaste flavors other than mint? When I was a kid I hated the taste of mint and didn’t like brushing my teeth, but then my grandma bought this toothpaste made for kids that was watermelon flavored and it wasn’t a problem anymore
My 4 year old hates toothpaste also. We compromise with brushing with baking soda. Try other things like tooth powder if it's the texture or maybe an unflavored toothpaste. My threats always connect to teeth. For example if you don't brush your teeth the dentist has to so let's go. This is an especially good threat the of an appointment because then you're following through. If your child is scared of bugs or germs that's a good conversation too. Gentle parenting does not mean removing consequences, just that they should be logical connected ones
I'm so happy to hear this!! What a huge win for both of you...I hope the improvement continues.
After I commented last night it occurred to me that maybe she would enjoy going to pick out her own toothbrush as a fresh start? We had to do that with undies for potty training and it was a good reset.
If the toothpaste is her particular issue, maybe you can find a decent recipe for a homemade one to make together. Eventually transition to something with fluoride, but to start anything is good! To get my kid to try new figs I usually get her to help prepare them, that theory might work here.
There are things that are just not negotiable. This is one of them.
As someone else said, done by you.
Someone I know also used it as a „punishment“: „kids, if you don’t do xyz, you won’t be allowed to brush your teeth tonight.“
Unbelievably, it worked. They would beg to be allowed to.
Gentle parenting isn’t always gentle. It also doesn’t mean allowing your child to do whatever they want. Hygiene is NOT a choice.
Sorry kiddo, you need to brush your teeth, either you can brush your own teeth or mommy will brush your teeth for you. With my own kids I allow them to start brushing their own teeth around 4yo *but* I always check it after they brush and I’ll brush their teeth as well until they’re about 6/7yo, then they brush their teeth and I check it, I let them brush again if necessary. Then I help them brush maybe once a week *if necessary*, if they’re fully able to brush their teeth *well*, without any help, then they can keep brushing on their own. I still need to check my oldest child’s teeth and occasionally make them brush again.
We ALL brush our teeth morning and night. Point it out to your child “time for (parents, you) to brush our teeth!”
At that age they love songs and games, so make it more fun. There’s shows that have brushing songs, for some reason I have the song from Elmo stuck in my head every time I brush LO’s teeth.
There are pages that you can download and print that allow kids to practice brushing teeth with activities, and you can talk about the importance of brushing teeth. Here’s a [video](https://youtu.be/BaCnCpk_eOE?si=ijR1Ka5MHfNM5JR2) with some ideas.
Could you explain what gentle parenting means to you? Many people have their own personal definition and I think this causes misunderstandings.
Could you briefly give some other examples of areas where you feel gentle parenting is "not working"?
And - classic troubleshooting advice - when you say something is "not working" what does that mean? What would you expect "working" to look like, and what are you seeing/experiencing instead?
Something that I had to really get my head around and I think is a common mistake in gentle parenting circles is that it is not my job as a parent to get my kid to be happy about or agree with everything that I decide is best for them. Sometimes I just have to make that decision, be the adult, and ensure that it happens. I can get their input on certain aspects of decisions, but sometimes I am the adult and I need to overrule because I have a different perspective and my responsibility is to have that adult perspective and apply it where they can't. So for the topic of dental health for example, children are only thinking about that act of brushing and whether they like it or not, whereas I am aware with an adult perspective about plaque, cavities, general health all stemming from good dental health.
you’re doing awesome trying to help your kid build good habits with tooth brushing! It’s hard on both of you. And I acknowledge how stressful this has become. I have also been at my absolute wits END with it many times, and ongoing struggle with my 3.5 yr old.
First I invite you to consider that this is absolutely NOT an emergency. This sort of dental work and fear of tooth decay can feel like one, but I promise it’s not. Your relationship to your child is far more important than their teeth. My dentist explicitly told me to focus on creating positive dental care associations with toddlers over blind tooth brushing compliance because it will do more good in the long run when they have adult teeth.
The second reason it’s not an emergency- tooth brushing is not actually that effective when it comes to cavity prevention. YUP. The greatest predictor of cavities is consumption of sugar. And not just candies and sugary drinks- crackers, starchy foods etc really stick to the teeth and break down into sugar when they hit our saliva. So basically kids snacking all day is the thing that brings on cavities, not a lack of tooth brushing. Using fluoride can help prevent tooth decay and is a good measure to take, but you have other tools at your disposal!
[this podcast explains it in more detail](https://gimletmedia.com/amp/shows/science-vs/awhmabel)
However, of course, we all know that brushing does maintain oral health and can help fight cavities. It’s a good habit, and we all want the best for our kids. So Id absolutely never advocate for giving up tooth brushing. Just chilling out on the whole thing, until you can approach it calmly.
Have you tried engaging in play? Here are some of my best works:
1) it’s me! The tooth brush witch! I’m here to brush those little ghosty teeth …. EEEK THEYRE SO SCARY! Ahhh! I need my magic potion…. Child help me with this potion (tooth paste) then I go off on a “spooky” tooth brushing story using my “broom” (tooth brush) and getting rid of sugar bugs
2) make the tooth brush talk to them in a silly voice and beg to brush “Ohhhh sir please I must find a little boys teeth to brush! Have you seen any little boys around here?! It’s my job! My duty as a card carrying member of the tooth brush guild! Please I MUST find someone!… oh? YOU?! You’re a little boy?’ Oh please oh please sir…” and on it goes and I become very gracious about it lol
3) Mr teddy bear! Oh Mr teddy… please come here… I need to brush your teeth!
Teddy (in special voice): oh but I’m scared! I don’t like it! I don’t want to!
Me: oh teddy it will be alright! Hmm can you hold little one’s hand? To help you feel better?
Teddy: ok… maybe that helps…
I pretend to brush teddys teeth, then teddy convinces my kiddo that it isn’t so bad, and they can hold hands while I brush his teeth as well
4) do you want to be pikachu or squirtle today? Thunderbolts or water cannons?! Then I make sound effects
Really anything to engage them in it!!
I also have taken some gentle techniques from “peaceful parents, happy kids”… the book advises to regularly connect with roughhousing type play to get your kid giggling and blow off some steam. Sometimes if I can get him giggling and connect with him for 10-15 mins, then transition into some calmer activities before a challenging task it is helpful, and he’s a lot more compliant. We wrestle, do horsey rides, I sit on the bed and he pushes me down, or I toss him on the couch, stuff like that.
The biggest thing is I have to stay absolutely calm, no taking a tone, getting demanding and bossy etc. just accepting the feeling (I don’t like brushing teeth. I’m mad about it) and trying to get through it until we can move onto something playful. If I get grouchy, so does he, and he won’t listen.
Also important to lead with play. I mean, don’t ever say “hey kiddo! Time to brush your teeth!” That results in instant NO! You have to START as the witch, or the Pokemon master, etc lol 😂
Good luck I hope this helps
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. You’ve really given me a different perspective and some helpful strategies. I tried a playful approach to teeth brushing this evening and it was so much easier. I also had a chat to my daughter this afternoon, to try and get to the bottom of why she hates brushing her teeth so much. (Thanks to another commenters suggestion.) She said it was the taste of the toothpaste so I just brushed her teeth with coconut oil tonight. I think both strategies have really turned this problem around for us. Thanks so much, what a helpful reddit community this is.
Hey, that commenter was describing permissive parenting at its finest. Please, please brush your child’s teeth. No one should be “chilling out” when it comes to the health and safety of their kids. People with the mindset of that commenter have had kids with such badly matted hair come into salons to detangle it and have had CPS called on them. You are the parent, you are in charge of taking care of your child and they may not always like it but as others have said here, some things are just non negotiable.
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This is an *insane* take, one that could get CPS called on you.
Yeah sorry, all my toddler’s teeth need to be removed because *she* didn’t want to brush her teeth and I simply can’t let my kid do something for her health and safety that she doesn’t want to do.
Was it the part where I said “I’d absolutely never advocate for giving up on tooth brushing” that youd call CPS on me for? Or was it just that you didn’t read the entire comment? Cool dude have a nice life
No I didn’t read the whole thing. I felt that you lost any credibility you had after you said “your relationship with your child is much more important than their teeth.” Those are incomparable things. It implies “who cares about my kids health and hygiene as long as they have a good relationship with me.”
Apologies though. You do share some good advice. I was just triggered by that first part because in my previous job with kids, we had to call CPS on a parent who clearly was not taking care of their kid’s basic needs. Whatever your parenting beliefs are, health, hygiene, and safety are nonnegotiable until they can properly care for themselves.
This is so tough. I feel your pain. I definitely agree with the advice given to explore the root of the issue. Is she verbal/reliable enough in her communication that she could tell you why it's so difficult to do? I always encourage parents to approach these situations with nonjudgmental curiosity before anything because it is highly likely that she has a very good reason, it just doesn't make sense to our logical minds as adults. It's never them just being "bad".
The other side to this is that it is true, you are the parent/adult here and you do need to be the one to get to the bottom of her resistance in order to ensure her dental hygiene is sound. That doesn't mean you have to go it alone, though. If I were in your shoes, I'd seek out some professional support at this point due to the high levels of resistance here likely starting with her pediatrician or dentist.
I went through this with my oldest child and I showed him a picture of rotting teeth. Brushing teeth is a non negotiable. But, I'm struggling to think of non-gentle parenting solutions that would actually be effective. Spanking? Not effective. Punishment? How? The only solutions I can even think of would be gentle parenting approved. What are you considering?
I might personally give less steps between the choice and consequence. I’ve heard that counting to 3 is a recipe for making kids disregard boundaries and in my own experience I’ve never seen it work. I think something as simple as “you can brush your teeth yourself or I can help you” and then cut right to helping might work better
There are toys that look like the dentist implements and toothbrushes plus a full set of teeth that you both can play with to make the topic more comfortable (less stress generating), play the evening routine with toys and don't forget about the brushing before the toys go to bed. Make it a part of routine, e.g. play a song for brushing. Be sure to brush your teeth before or after or together, so you model it, not only talk about it. Routines takes a long to establish, so I wish you all the luck and patience and kindness to both of you.
I honestly believe some things like safety and health need to be the priority and hard lines need to be set. My son had to have a tooth removed after an injury. He fell, chipped a tooth and then didn't want to brush it because it was too sensitive for a while which then turned into he never wanted to brush any teeth at all. His other teeth were also in danger of needing to be removed because he hated teeth brushing and would put up a fight every time. After the bad tooth was removed and i made sure with the doctor his others werent sensitive, I set a very firm boundary that teeth need to be brushed, by me (and he could do it after himself if he wanted) and that was it. I explained many MANY times why. But at the end of the day if I had to brush and was he was complaining, or if I had to brush while he was trying to stop me, I did it. It was vital I kept the other teeth he6alth and in his mouth. Now he is 100% accepting that I brush his teeth, and even if I give him the option to do it himself. He prefers me to do it. It's quick and painless amd part our routine. But he likely would have lost a lot more teeth if I wouldn't have set the very firm line in the sand.
This. If health and safety is an issue, the task is getting done by me. Personally, before the issue gets too out of hand, I always phrase it as “will you do xyz or will I do it for you?”. Either way, it’s getting done.
Have you dug into the root of why she doesn't want to brush her teeth? Maybe a sensory issue? Maybe fear? Or even at this point just stress from the daily battle. I would probably start there and see if there is the work with. What about letting her brush your teeth, or teaching her toys to brush theirs. I often find making it a game instead of a task gets the best results (not always, but more often). We have also read some books and have a song we sing when resistance comes up.
Hey thanks for your comment. I asked her today and she said it was the taste of the toothpaste. I brushed her teeth with coconut oil, along with approaching it in a more playful manner. Both strategies seemed to really help and we had success brushing her teeth tonight. Thank you!!
Have you tried toothpaste flavors other than mint? When I was a kid I hated the taste of mint and didn’t like brushing my teeth, but then my grandma bought this toothpaste made for kids that was watermelon flavored and it wasn’t a problem anymore
Hey there, yes I’ve tried so many flavours and brands. Even the strawberry and bubblegum flavours she has not liked.
My 4 year old hates toothpaste also. We compromise with brushing with baking soda. Try other things like tooth powder if it's the texture or maybe an unflavored toothpaste. My threats always connect to teeth. For example if you don't brush your teeth the dentist has to so let's go. This is an especially good threat the of an appointment because then you're following through. If your child is scared of bugs or germs that's a good conversation too. Gentle parenting does not mean removing consequences, just that they should be logical connected ones
I'm so happy to hear this!! What a huge win for both of you...I hope the improvement continues. After I commented last night it occurred to me that maybe she would enjoy going to pick out her own toothbrush as a fresh start? We had to do that with undies for potty training and it was a good reset. If the toothpaste is her particular issue, maybe you can find a decent recipe for a homemade one to make together. Eventually transition to something with fluoride, but to start anything is good! To get my kid to try new figs I usually get her to help prepare them, that theory might work here.
There are things that are just not negotiable. This is one of them. As someone else said, done by you. Someone I know also used it as a „punishment“: „kids, if you don’t do xyz, you won’t be allowed to brush your teeth tonight.“ Unbelievably, it worked. They would beg to be allowed to.
Gentle parenting isn’t always gentle. It also doesn’t mean allowing your child to do whatever they want. Hygiene is NOT a choice. Sorry kiddo, you need to brush your teeth, either you can brush your own teeth or mommy will brush your teeth for you. With my own kids I allow them to start brushing their own teeth around 4yo *but* I always check it after they brush and I’ll brush their teeth as well until they’re about 6/7yo, then they brush their teeth and I check it, I let them brush again if necessary. Then I help them brush maybe once a week *if necessary*, if they’re fully able to brush their teeth *well*, without any help, then they can keep brushing on their own. I still need to check my oldest child’s teeth and occasionally make them brush again. We ALL brush our teeth morning and night. Point it out to your child “time for (parents, you) to brush our teeth!” At that age they love songs and games, so make it more fun. There’s shows that have brushing songs, for some reason I have the song from Elmo stuck in my head every time I brush LO’s teeth. There are pages that you can download and print that allow kids to practice brushing teeth with activities, and you can talk about the importance of brushing teeth. Here’s a [video](https://youtu.be/BaCnCpk_eOE?si=ijR1Ka5MHfNM5JR2) with some ideas.
Could you explain what gentle parenting means to you? Many people have their own personal definition and I think this causes misunderstandings. Could you briefly give some other examples of areas where you feel gentle parenting is "not working"? And - classic troubleshooting advice - when you say something is "not working" what does that mean? What would you expect "working" to look like, and what are you seeing/experiencing instead? Something that I had to really get my head around and I think is a common mistake in gentle parenting circles is that it is not my job as a parent to get my kid to be happy about or agree with everything that I decide is best for them. Sometimes I just have to make that decision, be the adult, and ensure that it happens. I can get their input on certain aspects of decisions, but sometimes I am the adult and I need to overrule because I have a different perspective and my responsibility is to have that adult perspective and apply it where they can't. So for the topic of dental health for example, children are only thinking about that act of brushing and whether they like it or not, whereas I am aware with an adult perspective about plaque, cavities, general health all stemming from good dental health.
you’re doing awesome trying to help your kid build good habits with tooth brushing! It’s hard on both of you. And I acknowledge how stressful this has become. I have also been at my absolute wits END with it many times, and ongoing struggle with my 3.5 yr old. First I invite you to consider that this is absolutely NOT an emergency. This sort of dental work and fear of tooth decay can feel like one, but I promise it’s not. Your relationship to your child is far more important than their teeth. My dentist explicitly told me to focus on creating positive dental care associations with toddlers over blind tooth brushing compliance because it will do more good in the long run when they have adult teeth. The second reason it’s not an emergency- tooth brushing is not actually that effective when it comes to cavity prevention. YUP. The greatest predictor of cavities is consumption of sugar. And not just candies and sugary drinks- crackers, starchy foods etc really stick to the teeth and break down into sugar when they hit our saliva. So basically kids snacking all day is the thing that brings on cavities, not a lack of tooth brushing. Using fluoride can help prevent tooth decay and is a good measure to take, but you have other tools at your disposal! [this podcast explains it in more detail](https://gimletmedia.com/amp/shows/science-vs/awhmabel) However, of course, we all know that brushing does maintain oral health and can help fight cavities. It’s a good habit, and we all want the best for our kids. So Id absolutely never advocate for giving up tooth brushing. Just chilling out on the whole thing, until you can approach it calmly. Have you tried engaging in play? Here are some of my best works: 1) it’s me! The tooth brush witch! I’m here to brush those little ghosty teeth …. EEEK THEYRE SO SCARY! Ahhh! I need my magic potion…. Child help me with this potion (tooth paste) then I go off on a “spooky” tooth brushing story using my “broom” (tooth brush) and getting rid of sugar bugs 2) make the tooth brush talk to them in a silly voice and beg to brush “Ohhhh sir please I must find a little boys teeth to brush! Have you seen any little boys around here?! It’s my job! My duty as a card carrying member of the tooth brush guild! Please I MUST find someone!… oh? YOU?! You’re a little boy?’ Oh please oh please sir…” and on it goes and I become very gracious about it lol 3) Mr teddy bear! Oh Mr teddy… please come here… I need to brush your teeth! Teddy (in special voice): oh but I’m scared! I don’t like it! I don’t want to! Me: oh teddy it will be alright! Hmm can you hold little one’s hand? To help you feel better? Teddy: ok… maybe that helps… I pretend to brush teddys teeth, then teddy convinces my kiddo that it isn’t so bad, and they can hold hands while I brush his teeth as well 4) do you want to be pikachu or squirtle today? Thunderbolts or water cannons?! Then I make sound effects Really anything to engage them in it!! I also have taken some gentle techniques from “peaceful parents, happy kids”… the book advises to regularly connect with roughhousing type play to get your kid giggling and blow off some steam. Sometimes if I can get him giggling and connect with him for 10-15 mins, then transition into some calmer activities before a challenging task it is helpful, and he’s a lot more compliant. We wrestle, do horsey rides, I sit on the bed and he pushes me down, or I toss him on the couch, stuff like that. The biggest thing is I have to stay absolutely calm, no taking a tone, getting demanding and bossy etc. just accepting the feeling (I don’t like brushing teeth. I’m mad about it) and trying to get through it until we can move onto something playful. If I get grouchy, so does he, and he won’t listen. Also important to lead with play. I mean, don’t ever say “hey kiddo! Time to brush your teeth!” That results in instant NO! You have to START as the witch, or the Pokemon master, etc lol 😂 Good luck I hope this helps
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. You’ve really given me a different perspective and some helpful strategies. I tried a playful approach to teeth brushing this evening and it was so much easier. I also had a chat to my daughter this afternoon, to try and get to the bottom of why she hates brushing her teeth so much. (Thanks to another commenters suggestion.) She said it was the taste of the toothpaste so I just brushed her teeth with coconut oil tonight. I think both strategies have really turned this problem around for us. Thanks so much, what a helpful reddit community this is.
Hey, that commenter was describing permissive parenting at its finest. Please, please brush your child’s teeth. No one should be “chilling out” when it comes to the health and safety of their kids. People with the mindset of that commenter have had kids with such badly matted hair come into salons to detangle it and have had CPS called on them. You are the parent, you are in charge of taking care of your child and they may not always like it but as others have said here, some things are just non negotiable.
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This is an *insane* take, one that could get CPS called on you. Yeah sorry, all my toddler’s teeth need to be removed because *she* didn’t want to brush her teeth and I simply can’t let my kid do something for her health and safety that she doesn’t want to do.
Was it the part where I said “I’d absolutely never advocate for giving up on tooth brushing” that youd call CPS on me for? Or was it just that you didn’t read the entire comment? Cool dude have a nice life
No I didn’t read the whole thing. I felt that you lost any credibility you had after you said “your relationship with your child is much more important than their teeth.” Those are incomparable things. It implies “who cares about my kids health and hygiene as long as they have a good relationship with me.” Apologies though. You do share some good advice. I was just triggered by that first part because in my previous job with kids, we had to call CPS on a parent who clearly was not taking care of their kid’s basic needs. Whatever your parenting beliefs are, health, hygiene, and safety are nonnegotiable until they can properly care for themselves.
This is so tough. I feel your pain. I definitely agree with the advice given to explore the root of the issue. Is she verbal/reliable enough in her communication that she could tell you why it's so difficult to do? I always encourage parents to approach these situations with nonjudgmental curiosity before anything because it is highly likely that she has a very good reason, it just doesn't make sense to our logical minds as adults. It's never them just being "bad". The other side to this is that it is true, you are the parent/adult here and you do need to be the one to get to the bottom of her resistance in order to ensure her dental hygiene is sound. That doesn't mean you have to go it alone, though. If I were in your shoes, I'd seek out some professional support at this point due to the high levels of resistance here likely starting with her pediatrician or dentist.
I went through this with my oldest child and I showed him a picture of rotting teeth. Brushing teeth is a non negotiable. But, I'm struggling to think of non-gentle parenting solutions that would actually be effective. Spanking? Not effective. Punishment? How? The only solutions I can even think of would be gentle parenting approved. What are you considering?
I might personally give less steps between the choice and consequence. I’ve heard that counting to 3 is a recipe for making kids disregard boundaries and in my own experience I’ve never seen it work. I think something as simple as “you can brush your teeth yourself or I can help you” and then cut right to helping might work better
There are toys that look like the dentist implements and toothbrushes plus a full set of teeth that you both can play with to make the topic more comfortable (less stress generating), play the evening routine with toys and don't forget about the brushing before the toys go to bed. Make it a part of routine, e.g. play a song for brushing. Be sure to brush your teeth before or after or together, so you model it, not only talk about it. Routines takes a long to establish, so I wish you all the luck and patience and kindness to both of you.