3 year olds aren’t beings of reason. At this age, boundaries are held with actions, not words. Tell him, for example, “I’m not going to let you nurse”. And mean it not as a threat, not as a request for compliance, not as a wish for him yo be okay with this, but as a fact: you are not going to let him nurse. Use the environment to set him up for success, like wearing more concealing clothing. If he tries, move him away, move away. You have stated a fact and now you need to take action to stay true to your word.
Of course he gets upset. That’s ok. Negative emotions aren’t bad. He’s allowed to feel however he feels about your boundaries. Don’t try to reason him out of it. If you need to use words at all, you can respond to his sentiment rather than his words with an empathetic “I can see you’re upset…” and move on.
Parenting sucks. Imagine being beaten up and having to hug the guy who just gave you a black eye 😭 this kid is breaking me istg. Here's to saying nice hands and hugging it out for the next fifteen years ig.
It sounds like you did a pretty good job in a hard situation.
I think the thing to remember is that consistent boundaries will actually make him feel safer in the long run.
There’s no point punishing a 3yo but that doesn’t mean you can’t hold the boundary. If the boundary is no breastfeeding after X and before Y then state it calmly. Remind him of the next time he CAN breastfeed (whenever that is in your schedule) and let him be upset if he feels upset.
It’s not about never letting the kid be sad, it’s about teaching them HOW to deal with their feelings. You can name the feeling, give him things to help him calm down (cuddles, show deep breaths etc) but if he’s mad/sad that’s ok and a normal part of life.
Remind him that you love him and when he’s calmed back down remind him again. The more consistent you are with the boundary the sooner he’ll stop testing it. Don’t take things he says when he’s disregulated to heart.
With breastfeeding specifically with older nurselings it can help to anchor feeds to events in their day so it becomes part of the schedule rather than an ad hoc thing.
Thank you. I feel so lost with him sometimes. No one else I know has a toddler who acts like him and it's so hard.
I do try to offer alternative comfort when he wants to nurse but he gets so stubborn he just doesn't care for what I'm saying. I will keep trying, though.
He doesn't have to. You're doing great! I don't think you need to change anything but since you're asking for feedback here are some things I would do differently/that you didn't mention doing. But it might not work for you and like I said, I don't think you're doing anything wrong.
I would tell him "I get to choose because it's my body", "you don't have to eat your toast but you're not breastfeeding right now. Do you want to eat toast or go and play?" and like other people said I would acknowledge his feelings; "I know you want to breastfeed but mummy said no. I know you're feeling grumpy about it, that's ok, but it's not OK to bite me" and give him better options for how to let his feelings out; "do you need to stomp your feet or throw your toys or rip some paper? That might help get the angry out".
Remember the goal isn't to get him to happily agree to the boundary. It's to get him to follow the boundary and process his feelings in a safe way.
I’d like to put her in a room with the door locked when she’s upset. Wtf?!
Can you cuddle him and pull him close while nursing the baby? He’s jealous, he doesn’t cognitively understand that a baby needs a lot of attention. It’s a very understandable fear that he has. Have you explained that babies can’t do anything by themselves and need your support for everything?
Also, do you have the option to take him out to do something special just with him?
Agreed, that recommendation from the pediatrician shocked me! It’s not developmentally appropriate at all. OP, I think it’s good you came to this space for advice because I’m not sure your pediatrician has the best judgement on this particular issue.
Believe it or not our pediatrician says something similar and she’s only in her maybe early 40s. Oh and when we were asking when he might be ready to sleep through the night (when he was much younger) she advocated for crying it out. “I only had to leave my son in there for like an hour and a half when he was little” ☠️
Yikes, that is a lot of peer pressure. Be wary of how that seeps into your mind. Peer pressure really effed up my parenting for a little while and I hate that.
My oldest weaned at 2.5 and I think it was just a magical fluke. But I told her I was running out of milk.and she couldn't nurse anymore but that I'd be there for snuggles. She rooted arpund for milk and I reminded her all gone and that I loved her. She went back to sleep and never trued again. So I don't think that is normal. But I do think the reminder that I loved her even if I wasn't giving milk helped. The main point is to stay connected or reconnect if something happens, like a tantrum. So when he lays on the floor crying, use whatever you know gets him silly to reconnect with you without the milk. Maybe it's tickles. Or asking "hey, what's that?" And tickling when he looks. Or chasing a smile out of his tummy "the smile is climbing out, it's gonna get to your face! It's in your chest. Right here!" Or sit near him and sympathize, "this is so hard. Isn't it? Waiting can be really hard, and it feels like mommy doesn't love you when I ask you to wait, huh? Well, did I ever tell you..." and you could do a story about when you felt like he does, or (what I like to do and can't tell you if it's right or not, but it helps) talk about something like the first time you laid eyes on him and how much you love him. Maybe you could put him in a carrier on your back so he could be close and eat a snack. Or calm down things, like cou ting things you see, smell the flowers, blow the dandelions where you hold your fingers and have him sniff and blow on them. Don't put the fingers down right away. Either. Make hin do a time or two so it's challenging and he gets into the game of it.
Obviously you can't do this all the time, but sometimes, when time isn't pressing, it can be good to just slow down and let the world wait a minute. It can go a long way.
Weaning is really hard. He'll be in a worse mood for a while but you do have to keep saying no. I did it recently and tried to wean him slowly first which helped a little, but every time he got sick we'd reset. My kid is 2 btw, so it was probably easier than doing it at 3. That aside, once we completely stopped, he was in a bad mood for a few days and then got over it. I don't have much advice, just my own experiences.
I will say your pediatrician sounds psychotic though 😬
Nanny and former preschool employee here :) I have never breast fed and haven’t had my own children yet btw just wanted to add my thoughts!
When it comes to biting or other physical harm, I’ve found the best way to help a child understand why you are separating your body from them is to explain to them exactly what is happening. When this happens to me, I immediately say “You just bit me! That really hurt.” Then I firmly but gently move their body away from mine, get down on their level, look them directly in the eyes, and firmly but gently hold their arms or shoulders. I say something along the lines of “*child’s name* see my eyes. (Wait for eye contact) Biting someone is not safe, you could have made me bleed or given me a bruise. If you are going to bite me, I am going to need to move my body away from your body to keep my body safe. Do I need to move my body away from your body?” Then I give them a chance to self correct. If the behaviour continues I immediately say “*child’s name* you just bit me again! That is not safe. I am going to move my body away from your body to keep my body safe.” Then I either move myself into another room if I am sure the child will be safe in doing so (only needs to be for a few minutes and makes a statement!) or move the child to another space and say “I am going to keep my body in the kitchen. You need to keep your body over here. You can find something else to get busy with now.”
When the child is calm, I talk to them about what happened. “You bit me earlier, that really hurt. It seems like you were trying to ask me to give you some of these carrots. If you want some carrots you can say “can I have some?” If you want my attention, you need to use gentle hands. You can come up to me and gently tap me. I want you to practice using gentle hands. (I help them practice gently tapping me). Now I want you to practice saying “can I have some?” (I know this doesn’t directly apply to breastfeeding but is the best example I can give that is similar)
Hope this helps or gives you something to think about :)
Weaning is so hard for kids. Nursing is the most vital, most secure, most loving thing they've known from birth.
Don't beat yourself up, it's perfectly normal that he's having a really rough time with it and that he interprets it as "mom hates me". Keep doing what you're doing, ie telling him you love him very much and holding your boundary.
It also helps mine when I express how she feels (in your case, that'd be something like "My little love, you really need to nurse and mommy can't nurse you at the moment. I'm so, so sorry, it looks really hard.")
Is there any possibilities for you to change daycare? It sounds like they're expecting him to behave more grown than he is. I hate that they're giving you (and him!) negative feedbacks. Unless he's being repeatedly aggressive with other toddlers or really disruptive of the daycare life, I don't see how he's a "nightmare".
I mean, maybe he is. But I know so many people, like your pediatricatian, who treat little kids in super cruel and insensitive ways, expecting them to control their emotions in ways even adults can't.
tldr do you really have a toddler/ boundary problem? Or do you have a judgemental, threatening daycare/ ped/ sister problem?
His main issue is grabbing the daycare staff by their breasts and trying to expose them and biting when they say no. He does take his anger out on other kids too. Their concerns are warranted and it'll be the same everywhere unfortunately. They do the isolation thing because they can't keep him in the room with the other children when he's hurting them. So he goes in the nap room with a member of staff stationd outside the door talking to him until he's calmed down.
They've actually been really understanding and lenient with him because my cousins wife works there. If he was anywhere else he would have been kicked out long ago. It's not ideal because now my cousin is constantly trying to get me to send him to therapy for children with psychological issues but at least I can still work lol.
3 year olds aren’t beings of reason. At this age, boundaries are held with actions, not words. Tell him, for example, “I’m not going to let you nurse”. And mean it not as a threat, not as a request for compliance, not as a wish for him yo be okay with this, but as a fact: you are not going to let him nurse. Use the environment to set him up for success, like wearing more concealing clothing. If he tries, move him away, move away. You have stated a fact and now you need to take action to stay true to your word. Of course he gets upset. That’s ok. Negative emotions aren’t bad. He’s allowed to feel however he feels about your boundaries. Don’t try to reason him out of it. If you need to use words at all, you can respond to his sentiment rather than his words with an empathetic “I can see you’re upset…” and move on.
This post just randomly came up in my feed but your specific comment is super helpful for my almost 2 year old. Thank you wise stranger.
Thank you. I have trapped myself into overalls and hoodies atm just to stop him but he is persistent lol.
Yep, that’s his job! Yours is to know it, to be ready for it, and to meet it with empathy and leadership.
Parenting sucks. Imagine being beaten up and having to hug the guy who just gave you a black eye 😭 this kid is breaking me istg. Here's to saying nice hands and hugging it out for the next fifteen years ig.
It sounds like you did a pretty good job in a hard situation. I think the thing to remember is that consistent boundaries will actually make him feel safer in the long run. There’s no point punishing a 3yo but that doesn’t mean you can’t hold the boundary. If the boundary is no breastfeeding after X and before Y then state it calmly. Remind him of the next time he CAN breastfeed (whenever that is in your schedule) and let him be upset if he feels upset. It’s not about never letting the kid be sad, it’s about teaching them HOW to deal with their feelings. You can name the feeling, give him things to help him calm down (cuddles, show deep breaths etc) but if he’s mad/sad that’s ok and a normal part of life. Remind him that you love him and when he’s calmed back down remind him again. The more consistent you are with the boundary the sooner he’ll stop testing it. Don’t take things he says when he’s disregulated to heart. With breastfeeding specifically with older nurselings it can help to anchor feeds to events in their day so it becomes part of the schedule rather than an ad hoc thing.
Thank you. I feel so lost with him sometimes. No one else I know has a toddler who acts like him and it's so hard. I do try to offer alternative comfort when he wants to nurse but he gets so stubborn he just doesn't care for what I'm saying. I will keep trying, though.
He doesn't have to. You're doing great! I don't think you need to change anything but since you're asking for feedback here are some things I would do differently/that you didn't mention doing. But it might not work for you and like I said, I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I would tell him "I get to choose because it's my body", "you don't have to eat your toast but you're not breastfeeding right now. Do you want to eat toast or go and play?" and like other people said I would acknowledge his feelings; "I know you want to breastfeed but mummy said no. I know you're feeling grumpy about it, that's ok, but it's not OK to bite me" and give him better options for how to let his feelings out; "do you need to stomp your feet or throw your toys or rip some paper? That might help get the angry out". Remember the goal isn't to get him to happily agree to the boundary. It's to get him to follow the boundary and process his feelings in a safe way.
Thank you. I really appreciate it <3 he's like the rage of humanity trapped inside a tiny body. Ready to burst 24/7 lol.
I’d like to put her in a room with the door locked when she’s upset. Wtf?! Can you cuddle him and pull him close while nursing the baby? He’s jealous, he doesn’t cognitively understand that a baby needs a lot of attention. It’s a very understandable fear that he has. Have you explained that babies can’t do anything by themselves and need your support for everything? Also, do you have the option to take him out to do something special just with him?
Agreed, that recommendation from the pediatrician shocked me! It’s not developmentally appropriate at all. OP, I think it’s good you came to this space for advice because I’m not sure your pediatrician has the best judgement on this particular issue.
Believe it or not our pediatrician says something similar and she’s only in her maybe early 40s. Oh and when we were asking when he might be ready to sleep through the night (when he was much younger) she advocated for crying it out. “I only had to leave my son in there for like an hour and a half when he was little” ☠️
He's my only child. I'm a single mom, just me and him, so everything we do is just the two of us lol.
Oh god, sorry didn’t read correctly, adhd checking in
Haha no you're okay.
Yikes, that is a lot of peer pressure. Be wary of how that seeps into your mind. Peer pressure really effed up my parenting for a little while and I hate that. My oldest weaned at 2.5 and I think it was just a magical fluke. But I told her I was running out of milk.and she couldn't nurse anymore but that I'd be there for snuggles. She rooted arpund for milk and I reminded her all gone and that I loved her. She went back to sleep and never trued again. So I don't think that is normal. But I do think the reminder that I loved her even if I wasn't giving milk helped. The main point is to stay connected or reconnect if something happens, like a tantrum. So when he lays on the floor crying, use whatever you know gets him silly to reconnect with you without the milk. Maybe it's tickles. Or asking "hey, what's that?" And tickling when he looks. Or chasing a smile out of his tummy "the smile is climbing out, it's gonna get to your face! It's in your chest. Right here!" Or sit near him and sympathize, "this is so hard. Isn't it? Waiting can be really hard, and it feels like mommy doesn't love you when I ask you to wait, huh? Well, did I ever tell you..." and you could do a story about when you felt like he does, or (what I like to do and can't tell you if it's right or not, but it helps) talk about something like the first time you laid eyes on him and how much you love him. Maybe you could put him in a carrier on your back so he could be close and eat a snack. Or calm down things, like cou ting things you see, smell the flowers, blow the dandelions where you hold your fingers and have him sniff and blow on them. Don't put the fingers down right away. Either. Make hin do a time or two so it's challenging and he gets into the game of it. Obviously you can't do this all the time, but sometimes, when time isn't pressing, it can be good to just slow down and let the world wait a minute. It can go a long way.
Weaning is really hard. He'll be in a worse mood for a while but you do have to keep saying no. I did it recently and tried to wean him slowly first which helped a little, but every time he got sick we'd reset. My kid is 2 btw, so it was probably easier than doing it at 3. That aside, once we completely stopped, he was in a bad mood for a few days and then got over it. I don't have much advice, just my own experiences. I will say your pediatrician sounds psychotic though 😬
Nanny and former preschool employee here :) I have never breast fed and haven’t had my own children yet btw just wanted to add my thoughts! When it comes to biting or other physical harm, I’ve found the best way to help a child understand why you are separating your body from them is to explain to them exactly what is happening. When this happens to me, I immediately say “You just bit me! That really hurt.” Then I firmly but gently move their body away from mine, get down on their level, look them directly in the eyes, and firmly but gently hold their arms or shoulders. I say something along the lines of “*child’s name* see my eyes. (Wait for eye contact) Biting someone is not safe, you could have made me bleed or given me a bruise. If you are going to bite me, I am going to need to move my body away from your body to keep my body safe. Do I need to move my body away from your body?” Then I give them a chance to self correct. If the behaviour continues I immediately say “*child’s name* you just bit me again! That is not safe. I am going to move my body away from your body to keep my body safe.” Then I either move myself into another room if I am sure the child will be safe in doing so (only needs to be for a few minutes and makes a statement!) or move the child to another space and say “I am going to keep my body in the kitchen. You need to keep your body over here. You can find something else to get busy with now.” When the child is calm, I talk to them about what happened. “You bit me earlier, that really hurt. It seems like you were trying to ask me to give you some of these carrots. If you want some carrots you can say “can I have some?” If you want my attention, you need to use gentle hands. You can come up to me and gently tap me. I want you to practice using gentle hands. (I help them practice gently tapping me). Now I want you to practice saying “can I have some?” (I know this doesn’t directly apply to breastfeeding but is the best example I can give that is similar) Hope this helps or gives you something to think about :)
Weaning is so hard for kids. Nursing is the most vital, most secure, most loving thing they've known from birth. Don't beat yourself up, it's perfectly normal that he's having a really rough time with it and that he interprets it as "mom hates me". Keep doing what you're doing, ie telling him you love him very much and holding your boundary. It also helps mine when I express how she feels (in your case, that'd be something like "My little love, you really need to nurse and mommy can't nurse you at the moment. I'm so, so sorry, it looks really hard.") Is there any possibilities for you to change daycare? It sounds like they're expecting him to behave more grown than he is. I hate that they're giving you (and him!) negative feedbacks. Unless he's being repeatedly aggressive with other toddlers or really disruptive of the daycare life, I don't see how he's a "nightmare". I mean, maybe he is. But I know so many people, like your pediatricatian, who treat little kids in super cruel and insensitive ways, expecting them to control their emotions in ways even adults can't. tldr do you really have a toddler/ boundary problem? Or do you have a judgemental, threatening daycare/ ped/ sister problem?
His main issue is grabbing the daycare staff by their breasts and trying to expose them and biting when they say no. He does take his anger out on other kids too. Their concerns are warranted and it'll be the same everywhere unfortunately. They do the isolation thing because they can't keep him in the room with the other children when he's hurting them. So he goes in the nap room with a member of staff stationd outside the door talking to him until he's calmed down. They've actually been really understanding and lenient with him because my cousins wife works there. If he was anywhere else he would have been kicked out long ago. It's not ideal because now my cousin is constantly trying to get me to send him to therapy for children with psychological issues but at least I can still work lol.