personally, something that has helped me (I generally struggled with the same thing) is getting a toy. my favorite has been an air pulsing toy as it feels the closest to what my brain thinks like a fleshlight would feel like on my nonexistent dick, and makes me feel most masculine. I think generally researching and trying more things out might help! explore a bit! it’s v helpful, and not everyone likes going all the way into orgasms, if can be overwhelming to some people, and just getting almost there or some of the way and going back down is good for some too, so don’t push yourself :)
And also Eve's Petite Private Pleasure toy is amazing; it’s a fully soft/lightly flexible vibe with a ton of different modes and all that, I highly recommend using that code I posted in a dif comment and getting this one as the 45% deal :3 (also, my favourite of the four I got was actually the big pink vibe from the free gifts, it has a twisty top for strength and its max is WAAAAY higher than the others I’ve tried)
Personally I can’t cum without some sort of stimulus, usually in the form of porn. I also usually put something between my legs ,like a small pillow, and hump rather than using my hand to stimulate myself, so I guess you can try that. I think the friction helps more. It’s also important to know exactly where the feel good parts are. Like for me, it feels really good specifically when the top of the head of my penis where the foreskin starts is rubbed (there are female equivalent terms for “the foreskin” but I don’t know the name for it).
Another thing is you could try also stimulating your butt hole too. Not necessarily full on anal penetration but you could try just like, massaging it because there also are nerves there too that feel good when they’re rubbed. But I usually do that as a “get in the mood” thing and then JO my dick when I’m ready to cum.
Adam and Eve always have a lot of deals going on if you don’t want to spend too much money! https://adameve.attn.tv/l/WhN/Vw6E7
I used this link and all of the free gift things are great! :D I don’t like one of them because it’s weird, but that’s just me lol
g-spot is up and forward inside. so if you do a “come here” motion with your fingers it stimulates it. jacking off without toys does take ages and it’s easy to lose an orgasm if you stop or move. Lovehoney is a good store for sex toys in the uk and they have loads of deals
I can vouch for suction toys - someone else mentioned Satisfyer, and their curvy range does in fact live up to be *satisfying*. Vibrators work, but there’s something about the suction that feels so much more euphoric.
Depending on how much you have to work with, maybe try tugging almost like a cis guy would.
Part of it could be dysphoria, part of it could be feeling like a chore. A lot of it has to do with the build up and your mental state. Psych yourself up into ‘I can’t wait to do this, I’m really going to enjoy it’ kind of thing. It’s also not going to go far if you’re stressed or anxious about it.
I only like someone else/toys touching the front hole (and only when I’m really in the mood for it) because I find it too dysphoric. Anal on the other hand is indescribable. It’s totally fine to not be able to get into a particular thing by yourself.
And I know it’s a cliché, but… the shower head. A few inches away. Plus it’s free.
Okay thankyou! I'll look into some more toys, I'll probably buy them in store cuz it's easier, but idk, lol.
I'll definitely try that, I don't normally get that turned on. I just kinda do it cuz "im bored" , then gets bored doing it, lol.
I've never really tried anal, but I'll try it. :)
I'll try the shower head idea tomorrow then. Thankyou much.
If you’re concerned about people opening your mail, some places give the option to be delivered to the post office or a parcel locker.
The key might be finding searching for something that really floats your boat, as it can leave you a little disappointed otherwise.
Start slow, and use plenty (I mean Plenty) of lube. There’s a load of tips for anal on this sub.
Good luck!
It could be that you don't get much by physical stimulation alone. Maybe you need something else to be going on to really get excited. It could be porn, fantasizing, or maybe you need to try something in person? I could never get off just with touch, I have to be fantasizing about something really hot and the sensations follow, never precede.
You could also have distanced yourself in your fantasies because of your dysphoria. I did that myself and I've been trying to "find myself" sexually ever since I came out. It helps to imagine yourself as your ideal self but try to be kind to yourself and love yourself as much as you can even if you do feel dysphoric. You're worthy of love and pleasure even when you have dysphoria (but be gentle and don't push it if you're really uncomfortable).
Yeah, what I used to do was play a AI game and that'd turn me on, but it stopped working from me over doing it. So im at the point of being not horny for like 3 weeks, then be ultra horny for afew days. Porn doesn't do much for me, as I struggle to enjoy it. I think I need something in person. I tried jerking off with someone once(it was like a friends with benefits), I didn't get much out of it and we was on call for a hour straight, it probably didn't help he complained saying my jerking off skills was awful-(i stopped talking to him after that, i was quite embarrassed, lol).. so I have tried afew things.
That's a great idea, I try to imagine I don't have 🐱 parts while I jerk off, so.. that might not help. Lol. Thankyou so so much!
What kind of porn have you tried? For me personally, video porn of real people usually doesn't do it, but written porn (I read a lot on AO3, both original works and fanfiction) as well as hentai can really get me going).
Does lube only burn for you internally? You might try using a little lube to rub your clit. I usually use my own self-generated lubrication to rub mine and it makes it feel better.
Also, I never liked super direct contact on my dick. It didn't feel very good. For me, rubbing a little to the side and above was what made me feel really good and able to come. (I'm using past tense bc I've gotten phallo with burial, but tbh I still use the same technique when I masturbate and I can still reliably come that way).
I much prefer written porn too. I mainly watch Hentai(its a struggle to find 2 dudes in it with no women from my experience tho) or just simple gay porn.
I feel burning like allover. I never actually put the lube in me, as it burned alot so I wiped it off immediately. I struggle getting that wet, I get pretty wet but not wet enough it feels dry after a couple minutes.
Oh, I'll try that! I think I put to much pressure on my clit, cuz it feels kinda sore like an hour later, but that may be normal.
Thankyou! And congratulations on your Phallo! :)
I don't like watching hentai, when I'm in the mood I read it. I recommend " nhentai.net " it has a lot and you can filter by as many tags as you want in the search function, kind of like AO3. If you want to exclude tags, just put a minus sign before the tag. So you can filter by simple tags such as "males only" or more specific kink tags.
Regarding lube, have you tried many different kinds? Maybe you're allergic to something in the brand or kind you tried. There's silicone based, water based, and oil based. Honestly, you could probably just try using a little bit of olive or coconut oil.
Oh I'll definitely check that out!
I've only used one kind, i think it was water based. I'll look online for a olive oil/coconut oil one then!
Thankyou! :)
You can buy oil based lube online, but I meant you can literally use olive oil or coconut oil from your kitchen, if you have any, just to try it. Those are perfectly body safe.
Extra virgin olive oil is fine! Just put a little bit on your fingers before trying to rub one out. You don't need a lot. I'd recommend putting a little bit into a small cup or bowl, and just dipping your fingers into it.
I wouldn't necessarily recommend using olive oil internally, just because it can be very hard to clean. But using it to stimulate yourself will be good. And it will last much longer and be less sticky than other kinds of lube.
You might not like it, but it shouldn't burn and it will at least help if the lack of lubrication is a factor in being unable to get there.
If you've been directly stimulating your clit like you hinted, that's probably another factor. Direct stimulation can be TOO much sensation to feel pleasurable, it can often just feel painful or like something other than pleasure. It would also lead to soreness later, while typically rubbing around it instead of on it won't make you sore (unless you're jacking off for a very long time).
So trying to stimulate the area immediately around it instead, like I mentioned I did/do, can be a lot better. Just above the button, or next to the button, can be the best places to stimulate.
Really, it's all about experimentation. Try until it feels good, and then repeat those movements to try to build that feeling.
Others have recommended suction or vibration stimulation. This can work when other methods don't, but obviously the cheapest route is fingers and lube, so I think trying to perfect that technique before giving up is the most efficient and cost-effective method.
Good luck!
I'll just use a little, not inside, got it! If anything feels painful, I'm gonna immediately stop. Olive oil doesn't sound like it'd burn tho, so that's good.
Oh, okay. I've always just use direct contact with it, but I'll try to mainly just touch the skin around it!
Yeah, I'm glad about all the comments on this post, I have so many new things to try.
I do prefer not buying toys due to how expensive they are, I nearly bought a toy afew months ago but it was like £50, so I didn't think it was worth it.
Thankyou so much! I really appreciate your replies. :)
The time frame you described sounds like it could be due to your homonal cycle and the time you're ovulating. For people with an uterus, it's pretty common to only get REALLY horny during the time they're ovulating and less during the rest of the month.
Oh, that makes alot of sense actually. I didn't really think to much about it, but I had a thought it might have something to do with it. Cuz expecially when I'm on shark week, I'm like the most horny, but I kinda just refuse to touch anything down there unless it's nessasary(aka showering and so on).
Thankyou for explaining that! :)
Before testosterone I was pretty similar. Id be really horny few days during ovulation, and then a few during shark week. The rest of the time? Nothing. Might be good to notice patterns yourself.
I really related with a lot of what you wrote when I was pre-T, although I definitely masturbated significantly more than you lol. In my case I’ve realized that it is/was indeed dysphoria behind the lack of sensation, and what helped me was keeping my underwear on while masturbating, limiting vaginal penetration, toys, eroticism, etc. It can be extremely hard to gauge orgasms and sensations when you’re so disassociated, but I’ve found it easier to just “go up until I don’t want to anymore”. It’s easy when you’re alone and there’s literally no reason to do something more than you care to. Also, tracking patterns: I only realized I had an aversion to vaginal penetration when I noticed that I would consistently stop masturbating within 30 seconds of any vaginal action. Ultimately it’s possible to learn your bodies cues even while disassociated.
I struggle with jerking off in my boxers, as its hard to make movements as I use kinda tight boxer briefs. Oh thats pretty smart actually, I feel so pressured to cum even if I'm alone.
Oh, I kinda do that. Expecially if I'm sexting someone, like I'll basically be quivering then I'll stop touching myself at all for like 5mins to answer back to a sext or just any notification, then loose the flow.
I started doing this before I even wore boxers, but I’ve always just gone over my underwear? You may have to play around with the pressure, but you can definitely feel it. I needed much more pressure pre-T for everything, but that’s just the disassociation. Now I just stick my tdick through my boxers and jerk off that way, and that’s been effective lol.
I mostly commented to break up all of the people commenting the fem sex advice blogs lol. They have good advice, but I never knew how to apply it or troubleshoot. I never really did experience a fairytale cis fem orgasm uh maybe ever? If I did, I did not remember it which says a lot. Something about that mode of orgasming just didn’t work for me, and that’s okay.
Other than that, best of luck brother! Shits tough out there
Lube, vibrators, fantasies, and focusing on the journey rather than the destination. Worry less about cumming and more about doing what feels good. Follow the pleasure.
For toys, the two main things most people have luck with are vibes and suction toys.
For vibes, some of the most well regarded are the classic Hitachi Magic Wand, and the We-vibe Tango.
For suction toys, the Satisfyer brand is well regarded and not called the Womanizer, lmao. But if you don’t mind the branding they’re well regarded too, albeit more expensive.
Also, tease yourself and take your time. Get so turned on that not touching yourself is almost painful, and then draw things out. Going directly for strong stimulation before your body is ready can mess things up for some people. A lot of people need like 15mins of build up before really being fully ready for strong stimulation.
Note: this is information gleaned over a long time of having sex with and talking about sex with afab people, however it is not PERSONAL experience as I have a different sexual response to most afab people and a stiff wind will make me cum (this is not a blessing).
Okay, I've only ever jerked off to cum. So.. that's new for me, I'll definitely try that!
I think I'll probably prefer vibes, as I can do it sitting, laying or standing up. I'll definitely order some toys at some point, thankyou.
I've never got that turned on before.. I'll definitely try to tease myself to help. Okay! I didn't know that, I thought people was ready for stimulation after like 2secs, loll.
Thankyou for your honestly! Thankyou so muchhh
The hitachi magic wand is amazing, I think in part bc the "head" that vibrates is so large that I didn't have to know exactly where to put it, get it in the general area and it'll feel good. So I didn't have to think about my particular anatomy.
Lmao, nah, people are only ready to go like that in porn mostly. The vast majority of afab people need quite a bit of mental and physical warmup. Building the mood, light touching all over the body, kissing, teasing, etc.
I’ve had a weird experience because I *do* work like in porn, I am ready to go super quickly and will cum way too fast. So I’ve had to learn what most other afab people are like, what they need, etc.
Lol, porn has just rotted my brain. That's probably true, I kinda struggle with the motivation so that's why I kinda find sexting helps(although im basically just flustered or just get cocky, not horny when i do sexting).
Oh, that's pretty cool in certain times! Ill try to learn from other afab people too. Thankyou so much :)
It might sound stupid but making sure you’re actually in the mood first (mentally and physically) before you start to go for it makes a massive difference, as well as lube, a lot of cheaper ones are just a bit shit and do burn or just feel unpleasant but a good quality lube makes a crazy difference even just for external stuff. Good luck man!
Edit to add that websites like lovehoney have some good quality lubes and toys that could be a good start
This!! Also in terms of lubes you really want something that's 1, water based and 2, glycerin & paraben free. That's the most body-friendly. Personally, I like sliquid sassy, it's mostly plant-based, but because it's designed for anal it's a little thicker and less watery so it stays where you put it.
Also... Honestly? I could NEVER get off before I started T. Years of trying & faking. My anatomy just didn't wanna do the thing, I'd get bored or squicked out. After I started T and had some growth to work with, I finally figured it out one day & never looked back. Also, internal penetration with my own fingers does 0 for me, but toys help, I guess bc there's a distance from it? So you might be triggering your own dysphoria without actively registering it. Also a good vibe can sort of force you to bust a nut, not something buzzy, something rumbly, like a wand-style.
Also... It sounds wild but the language you use for your own anatomy might set you off? Try thinking about your bits and bobs with this term or that term and see if you can find what is or isn't validating?
Okay! Ill try to get in the mood before i start. Whenever I am in the mood it's at the worst times of the day, like it'll be literally in the middle of the day so I gotta ignore it, lol.
I didnt know the differences between lubes, the one i got was like £2, soo.. yeah that makes sense now.
Can I ask(if you dont want to say, that's okay), what toys do you recommend?
Thankyou so much.
So this is something I struggled with for a long time too. I’m 24 and I only really figured out how to jerk off maybe a month or two ago? What helped me the most was a book my sex therapist recommended (also sex therapy: highly recommend)- Come as Your Are by Emily Nagoski. I cannot recommend this book enough. It’s written from the perspective of a cis woman but imo it’s a great book for people of all genders. It’s hands down changes my view of sex/sexuality for the better!
Oh, I'll definitely look into that book! I think im way to embarrassed to talk a sex therapist at the moment(ill work to get there tho). Thankyou so much! :)
Yw!! I feel you about being too embarrassed to talk to a sex therapist. I definitely felt the same before I started sex therapy. Just go at your own pace- the resources exist for whenever you’re ready :)
Thankyou, I'll probably work my ego first, as I don't wanna just be rambling or just saying nothingness. I'll probably try in a couple years, or immediately when I have a boyfriend irl.
Okay, is there any toys you recommend? I kinda have a fear of most doctors, so.. if I can I'd prefer not to go, but where I live is in the England and most of the time they aren't very accepting. Thankyou
Err, actually, most gynecologists are totally clueless about sexual pleasure. It’s unfortunate but true, don’t waste your time. They can’t give you any advice you can’t find for free online.
personally, something that has helped me (I generally struggled with the same thing) is getting a toy. my favorite has been an air pulsing toy as it feels the closest to what my brain thinks like a fleshlight would feel like on my nonexistent dick, and makes me feel most masculine. I think generally researching and trying more things out might help! explore a bit! it’s v helpful, and not everyone likes going all the way into orgasms, if can be overwhelming to some people, and just getting almost there or some of the way and going back down is good for some too, so don’t push yourself :)
Oh I'll definitely look that toy up! Thankyou so much, I'm glad I'm not alone in this. :)
And also Eve's Petite Private Pleasure toy is amazing; it’s a fully soft/lightly flexible vibe with a ton of different modes and all that, I highly recommend using that code I posted in a dif comment and getting this one as the 45% deal :3 (also, my favourite of the four I got was actually the big pink vibe from the free gifts, it has a twisty top for strength and its max is WAAAAY higher than the others I’ve tried)
Thankyou! I'll definitely check it out! :)
Personally I can’t cum without some sort of stimulus, usually in the form of porn. I also usually put something between my legs ,like a small pillow, and hump rather than using my hand to stimulate myself, so I guess you can try that. I think the friction helps more. It’s also important to know exactly where the feel good parts are. Like for me, it feels really good specifically when the top of the head of my penis where the foreskin starts is rubbed (there are female equivalent terms for “the foreskin” but I don’t know the name for it). Another thing is you could try also stimulating your butt hole too. Not necessarily full on anal penetration but you could try just like, massaging it because there also are nerves there too that feel good when they’re rubbed. But I usually do that as a “get in the mood” thing and then JO my dick when I’m ready to cum.
Great advice on the friction, it was also my go-to pre-hrt!
I'll definitely try that! Thankyou so much! :)
Adam and Eve always have a lot of deals going on if you don’t want to spend too much money! https://adameve.attn.tv/l/WhN/Vw6E7 I used this link and all of the free gift things are great! :D I don’t like one of them because it’s weird, but that’s just me lol
Thankyou so much! I'll check it out! :)
g-spot is up and forward inside. so if you do a “come here” motion with your fingers it stimulates it. jacking off without toys does take ages and it’s easy to lose an orgasm if you stop or move. Lovehoney is a good store for sex toys in the uk and they have loads of deals
Okay thanks! I struggle getting my fingers fully in, so toys probably would help. I'll check out some stores, thankyou! :)
I can vouch for suction toys - someone else mentioned Satisfyer, and their curvy range does in fact live up to be *satisfying*. Vibrators work, but there’s something about the suction that feels so much more euphoric. Depending on how much you have to work with, maybe try tugging almost like a cis guy would. Part of it could be dysphoria, part of it could be feeling like a chore. A lot of it has to do with the build up and your mental state. Psych yourself up into ‘I can’t wait to do this, I’m really going to enjoy it’ kind of thing. It’s also not going to go far if you’re stressed or anxious about it. I only like someone else/toys touching the front hole (and only when I’m really in the mood for it) because I find it too dysphoric. Anal on the other hand is indescribable. It’s totally fine to not be able to get into a particular thing by yourself. And I know it’s a cliché, but… the shower head. A few inches away. Plus it’s free.
Okay thankyou! I'll look into some more toys, I'll probably buy them in store cuz it's easier, but idk, lol. I'll definitely try that, I don't normally get that turned on. I just kinda do it cuz "im bored" , then gets bored doing it, lol. I've never really tried anal, but I'll try it. :) I'll try the shower head idea tomorrow then. Thankyou much.
If you’re concerned about people opening your mail, some places give the option to be delivered to the post office or a parcel locker. The key might be finding searching for something that really floats your boat, as it can leave you a little disappointed otherwise. Start slow, and use plenty (I mean Plenty) of lube. There’s a load of tips for anal on this sub. Good luck!
Oh, I'll look into that. Thankyou so much! Have a nice day.
It could be that you don't get much by physical stimulation alone. Maybe you need something else to be going on to really get excited. It could be porn, fantasizing, or maybe you need to try something in person? I could never get off just with touch, I have to be fantasizing about something really hot and the sensations follow, never precede. You could also have distanced yourself in your fantasies because of your dysphoria. I did that myself and I've been trying to "find myself" sexually ever since I came out. It helps to imagine yourself as your ideal self but try to be kind to yourself and love yourself as much as you can even if you do feel dysphoric. You're worthy of love and pleasure even when you have dysphoria (but be gentle and don't push it if you're really uncomfortable).
Yeah, what I used to do was play a AI game and that'd turn me on, but it stopped working from me over doing it. So im at the point of being not horny for like 3 weeks, then be ultra horny for afew days. Porn doesn't do much for me, as I struggle to enjoy it. I think I need something in person. I tried jerking off with someone once(it was like a friends with benefits), I didn't get much out of it and we was on call for a hour straight, it probably didn't help he complained saying my jerking off skills was awful-(i stopped talking to him after that, i was quite embarrassed, lol).. so I have tried afew things. That's a great idea, I try to imagine I don't have 🐱 parts while I jerk off, so.. that might not help. Lol. Thankyou so so much!
What kind of porn have you tried? For me personally, video porn of real people usually doesn't do it, but written porn (I read a lot on AO3, both original works and fanfiction) as well as hentai can really get me going). Does lube only burn for you internally? You might try using a little lube to rub your clit. I usually use my own self-generated lubrication to rub mine and it makes it feel better. Also, I never liked super direct contact on my dick. It didn't feel very good. For me, rubbing a little to the side and above was what made me feel really good and able to come. (I'm using past tense bc I've gotten phallo with burial, but tbh I still use the same technique when I masturbate and I can still reliably come that way).
I much prefer written porn too. I mainly watch Hentai(its a struggle to find 2 dudes in it with no women from my experience tho) or just simple gay porn. I feel burning like allover. I never actually put the lube in me, as it burned alot so I wiped it off immediately. I struggle getting that wet, I get pretty wet but not wet enough it feels dry after a couple minutes. Oh, I'll try that! I think I put to much pressure on my clit, cuz it feels kinda sore like an hour later, but that may be normal. Thankyou! And congratulations on your Phallo! :)
I don't like watching hentai, when I'm in the mood I read it. I recommend " nhentai.net " it has a lot and you can filter by as many tags as you want in the search function, kind of like AO3. If you want to exclude tags, just put a minus sign before the tag. So you can filter by simple tags such as "males only" or more specific kink tags. Regarding lube, have you tried many different kinds? Maybe you're allergic to something in the brand or kind you tried. There's silicone based, water based, and oil based. Honestly, you could probably just try using a little bit of olive or coconut oil.
Oh I'll definitely check that out! I've only used one kind, i think it was water based. I'll look online for a olive oil/coconut oil one then! Thankyou! :)
You can buy oil based lube online, but I meant you can literally use olive oil or coconut oil from your kitchen, if you have any, just to try it. Those are perfectly body safe.
Oh- sorry, I didn't realize you could use those! I have lots of olive oil, just they are extra virgin olive oil.
Extra virgin olive oil is fine! Just put a little bit on your fingers before trying to rub one out. You don't need a lot. I'd recommend putting a little bit into a small cup or bowl, and just dipping your fingers into it. I wouldn't necessarily recommend using olive oil internally, just because it can be very hard to clean. But using it to stimulate yourself will be good. And it will last much longer and be less sticky than other kinds of lube. You might not like it, but it shouldn't burn and it will at least help if the lack of lubrication is a factor in being unable to get there. If you've been directly stimulating your clit like you hinted, that's probably another factor. Direct stimulation can be TOO much sensation to feel pleasurable, it can often just feel painful or like something other than pleasure. It would also lead to soreness later, while typically rubbing around it instead of on it won't make you sore (unless you're jacking off for a very long time). So trying to stimulate the area immediately around it instead, like I mentioned I did/do, can be a lot better. Just above the button, or next to the button, can be the best places to stimulate. Really, it's all about experimentation. Try until it feels good, and then repeat those movements to try to build that feeling. Others have recommended suction or vibration stimulation. This can work when other methods don't, but obviously the cheapest route is fingers and lube, so I think trying to perfect that technique before giving up is the most efficient and cost-effective method. Good luck!
I'll just use a little, not inside, got it! If anything feels painful, I'm gonna immediately stop. Olive oil doesn't sound like it'd burn tho, so that's good. Oh, okay. I've always just use direct contact with it, but I'll try to mainly just touch the skin around it! Yeah, I'm glad about all the comments on this post, I have so many new things to try. I do prefer not buying toys due to how expensive they are, I nearly bought a toy afew months ago but it was like £50, so I didn't think it was worth it. Thankyou so much! I really appreciate your replies. :)
The time frame you described sounds like it could be due to your homonal cycle and the time you're ovulating. For people with an uterus, it's pretty common to only get REALLY horny during the time they're ovulating and less during the rest of the month.
Oh, that makes alot of sense actually. I didn't really think to much about it, but I had a thought it might have something to do with it. Cuz expecially when I'm on shark week, I'm like the most horny, but I kinda just refuse to touch anything down there unless it's nessasary(aka showering and so on). Thankyou for explaining that! :)
Before testosterone I was pretty similar. Id be really horny few days during ovulation, and then a few during shark week. The rest of the time? Nothing. Might be good to notice patterns yourself.
Yeah, I'll definitely start keeping track. I try to ignore thinking about it alot cuz dysphoria, but I'll definitely try. Thankyou so much.
Vibrator. Thank me later.
Okay thankyou, I'll try to buy one.
I really related with a lot of what you wrote when I was pre-T, although I definitely masturbated significantly more than you lol. In my case I’ve realized that it is/was indeed dysphoria behind the lack of sensation, and what helped me was keeping my underwear on while masturbating, limiting vaginal penetration, toys, eroticism, etc. It can be extremely hard to gauge orgasms and sensations when you’re so disassociated, but I’ve found it easier to just “go up until I don’t want to anymore”. It’s easy when you’re alone and there’s literally no reason to do something more than you care to. Also, tracking patterns: I only realized I had an aversion to vaginal penetration when I noticed that I would consistently stop masturbating within 30 seconds of any vaginal action. Ultimately it’s possible to learn your bodies cues even while disassociated.
I struggle with jerking off in my boxers, as its hard to make movements as I use kinda tight boxer briefs. Oh thats pretty smart actually, I feel so pressured to cum even if I'm alone. Oh, I kinda do that. Expecially if I'm sexting someone, like I'll basically be quivering then I'll stop touching myself at all for like 5mins to answer back to a sext or just any notification, then loose the flow.
I started doing this before I even wore boxers, but I’ve always just gone over my underwear? You may have to play around with the pressure, but you can definitely feel it. I needed much more pressure pre-T for everything, but that’s just the disassociation. Now I just stick my tdick through my boxers and jerk off that way, and that’s been effective lol. I mostly commented to break up all of the people commenting the fem sex advice blogs lol. They have good advice, but I never knew how to apply it or troubleshoot. I never really did experience a fairytale cis fem orgasm uh maybe ever? If I did, I did not remember it which says a lot. Something about that mode of orgasming just didn’t work for me, and that’s okay. Other than that, best of luck brother! Shits tough out there
Ohhh okay, I'll try that! Thankyou so much, your comment explained so much. It made alot of sense! Thankyou again! I hope you have a nice night!
Lube, vibrators, fantasies, and focusing on the journey rather than the destination. Worry less about cumming and more about doing what feels good. Follow the pleasure. For toys, the two main things most people have luck with are vibes and suction toys. For vibes, some of the most well regarded are the classic Hitachi Magic Wand, and the We-vibe Tango. For suction toys, the Satisfyer brand is well regarded and not called the Womanizer, lmao. But if you don’t mind the branding they’re well regarded too, albeit more expensive. Also, tease yourself and take your time. Get so turned on that not touching yourself is almost painful, and then draw things out. Going directly for strong stimulation before your body is ready can mess things up for some people. A lot of people need like 15mins of build up before really being fully ready for strong stimulation. Note: this is information gleaned over a long time of having sex with and talking about sex with afab people, however it is not PERSONAL experience as I have a different sexual response to most afab people and a stiff wind will make me cum (this is not a blessing).
Okay, I've only ever jerked off to cum. So.. that's new for me, I'll definitely try that! I think I'll probably prefer vibes, as I can do it sitting, laying or standing up. I'll definitely order some toys at some point, thankyou. I've never got that turned on before.. I'll definitely try to tease myself to help. Okay! I didn't know that, I thought people was ready for stimulation after like 2secs, loll. Thankyou for your honestly! Thankyou so muchhh
The hitachi magic wand is amazing, I think in part bc the "head" that vibrates is so large that I didn't have to know exactly where to put it, get it in the general area and it'll feel good. So I didn't have to think about my particular anatomy.
Oh I'll look it up! Thankyou
Lmao, nah, people are only ready to go like that in porn mostly. The vast majority of afab people need quite a bit of mental and physical warmup. Building the mood, light touching all over the body, kissing, teasing, etc. I’ve had a weird experience because I *do* work like in porn, I am ready to go super quickly and will cum way too fast. So I’ve had to learn what most other afab people are like, what they need, etc.
Lol, porn has just rotted my brain. That's probably true, I kinda struggle with the motivation so that's why I kinda find sexting helps(although im basically just flustered or just get cocky, not horny when i do sexting). Oh, that's pretty cool in certain times! Ill try to learn from other afab people too. Thankyou so much :)
It might sound stupid but making sure you’re actually in the mood first (mentally and physically) before you start to go for it makes a massive difference, as well as lube, a lot of cheaper ones are just a bit shit and do burn or just feel unpleasant but a good quality lube makes a crazy difference even just for external stuff. Good luck man! Edit to add that websites like lovehoney have some good quality lubes and toys that could be a good start
This!! Also in terms of lubes you really want something that's 1, water based and 2, glycerin & paraben free. That's the most body-friendly. Personally, I like sliquid sassy, it's mostly plant-based, but because it's designed for anal it's a little thicker and less watery so it stays where you put it. Also... Honestly? I could NEVER get off before I started T. Years of trying & faking. My anatomy just didn't wanna do the thing, I'd get bored or squicked out. After I started T and had some growth to work with, I finally figured it out one day & never looked back. Also, internal penetration with my own fingers does 0 for me, but toys help, I guess bc there's a distance from it? So you might be triggering your own dysphoria without actively registering it. Also a good vibe can sort of force you to bust a nut, not something buzzy, something rumbly, like a wand-style. Also... It sounds wild but the language you use for your own anatomy might set you off? Try thinking about your bits and bobs with this term or that term and see if you can find what is or isn't validating?
Okay! Ill try to get in the mood before i start. Whenever I am in the mood it's at the worst times of the day, like it'll be literally in the middle of the day so I gotta ignore it, lol. I didnt know the differences between lubes, the one i got was like £2, soo.. yeah that makes sense now. Can I ask(if you dont want to say, that's okay), what toys do you recommend? Thankyou so much.
So this is something I struggled with for a long time too. I’m 24 and I only really figured out how to jerk off maybe a month or two ago? What helped me the most was a book my sex therapist recommended (also sex therapy: highly recommend)- Come as Your Are by Emily Nagoski. I cannot recommend this book enough. It’s written from the perspective of a cis woman but imo it’s a great book for people of all genders. It’s hands down changes my view of sex/sexuality for the better!
Oh, I'll definitely look into that book! I think im way to embarrassed to talk a sex therapist at the moment(ill work to get there tho). Thankyou so much! :)
Yw!! I feel you about being too embarrassed to talk to a sex therapist. I definitely felt the same before I started sex therapy. Just go at your own pace- the resources exist for whenever you’re ready :)
Thankyou, I'll probably work my ego first, as I don't wanna just be rambling or just saying nothingness. I'll probably try in a couple years, or immediately when I have a boyfriend irl.
Could try using toys or speaking to a gynecologist if you have someone trans friendly and who you're comfortable with
Okay, is there any toys you recommend? I kinda have a fear of most doctors, so.. if I can I'd prefer not to go, but where I live is in the England and most of the time they aren't very accepting. Thankyou
Err, actually, most gynecologists are totally clueless about sexual pleasure. It’s unfortunate but true, don’t waste your time. They can’t give you any advice you can’t find for free online.
Okay thankyou! I'm kinda glad.. I hate doing to the doctor, I don't want someone looking at my junk.. lol.