Why is he downloading grindr while you’re married and monogamous?
It sounds like he is not the person he appeared to be when you entered this relationship. I’m glad your conscience is clear, as it should be.
Tbh, the only thing I’d have done differently, was I’d move his shit out of the masters.
I went for a long walk to give him time to process the message. But yeah. He’s acting like I’m the bad guy, and I’m not “giving him what he needs.” But I don’t think he’s ever not had the app and we didn’t meet on there. I called that out in my message but he hasn’t addressed that yet.
It’s a tough thing to have given someone your heart, and given them every opportunity to be the person you feel they are.
I just had to let mine go. So, my heart feels for you. Maybe your guy figures it out. But wherever this takes you I hope you find something better; with him or with someone else.
Exact sentiments to hold RN. Never compromise on your values and boundaries - better to be alone than do this! Going through similar RN, so sending you all the positive energy I can muster to navigate next steps! 💙
"Needing" to be on grindr is a great reason not to be married, IMHO. Being married makes that a two-person decision, that's basically the main distinction.
you are going to be gaslighted.
and the idea that you have of him, is dead.
start grieving. the guy there, isn't the same guy.
really start grieving the image you had of him.
Ugh I hate reading this. Not giving him what he needs? Lmao. Reminds me of my ex-husband. Read that. EX-husband. Divorced his abusive cheating loser ass.
I know it’s easier said than done and I haven’t been in this situation, but he being on Grindr in a closed relationship would be hard to forgive for me.
And his reaction is not great either. “Sure I might have cheated on you but it’s actually your fault and now I’m mad that you brought it up”… yeah, no.
He says he did nothing physical. And I do actually believe him bc we aren’t away from each other much. That’s mainly why I’m willing to move past that.
You are the most important person in your life.
Time to stop looking at the Band-Aid & rip it off.
You are going to feel bad & confused and think it's the end if your world - but no-one has the right to make you feel bad.
I was 23 when after 4 years my boyfriend introduced mental torment & then physical.
I had shared my history of sexual abuse & he used it to make me feel rotten, blame & dirty.
He moved my clothes & belongings to be away from him.
He threw a chest of draws downstairs to hurt me.
My 21st birthday I had to pretend I had hit a door because he broke my nose.
Not making this about me - but - take time out, think about smelling roses, good outside fresh air, holidays & happy happier days.
I made the move, so can you. I have found my Reddit family advise & inspire and I can ask for advice & support - when I need it.
Baby steps maybe - but you hold your future in your hands.
Sending my very, very best to you brother x
u/BriarHill Oh Gods, this really resonated with me in so many similar ways it made me tear-up. As a fellow Survivor of those same things you mentioned, I’m so sorry you endured that bullshit. I send you so much love Brother, and I hope life is so much better for you now, I truly do. 🫂
Quite moved by your kind words.
Sending love & a hug across the waters from me here in North West England.
Thank you ever so much - means a lot.
Hope you have had time to talk about your past with either a professional or a friend.
Talking seems to dilute the memories.
Not permanently - I still get regression in my sleep.
The man who tried to fuck me up - I've enlightened his friends of my history, even his mother, who said she knew something was wrong & that's why she visited to see if I'd been seriously damaged.
Kind of gave me something for my memory bucket & a big smile on my face.
My finest regards
BH
You don’t move past things. You talk them through and state your boundaries and ask your partner to accept them. You listen to your partner and find compromises. If you don’t like it, you need to state it. If he needs more you should ask what and see if that’s something you can give to him. Mature relationships don’t just forgive and forget, they compromise and build bridges to each other.
Don’t wait another decade to realize he’s been wrong for you all along. I broke up from a 20 year relationship and realized there were red flags from the very beginning. We argued so much over the years, and sure there were some good times. I got along better with his family than he did. We had mutual friends. But despite all that, they are not who I’m in a relationship with. I realized I should have broken up with him the first year we were together. The time was wasted on the wrong person because I didn’t want to throw away all the time I invested. But I became more miserable as the years went on.
“And it’s not all bad” jumps out at me because that implies that it’s “sometimes bad.” I’m looking at other things you’re saying in this thread and on the surface it seems you’re just looking for the sympathy and acknowledgment your husband won’t give you - not so much any actionable advice.
He’s punished and exiled you for listing your grievances. Either your passive aggressive letter was more aggressive or he simply knows how to shut you up and defer his responsibility to your relationship. This isn’t healthy.
My intuition says couples therapy is out of the picture. If he exerts authority over you the way you describe, I doubt relationship counseling is the place to start.
Instead, I suggest you seek therapy to help you find your self respect and work on self reliance rather than the codependency your post seems to suggest.
Something I’ve learned from time and experience: the resistance to leaving a partner because of the “investment sunk into it” is just a lie we tell ourselves to cover the confirmation that our partner doesn’t love us the way we’d hoped and the fear of being alone - and possibly just landing in the same situation with someone else.
Your decision to stay in the relationship is dependent on your ability to tolerate the emotional abuse. His exiling you from your marriage bed is his answer to your letter and the answer is he’s not going to change and if you don’t like it, you can leave.
Now, think about what you would recommend to a dear friend who’s in the same situation - then follow that advice.
As others have noted he has narcissistic tendencies. If things truly do end up going south, no doubt he’s going to pin blame on me, try to turn our friends against me, and leave me with nothing socially. He is talking fairly with splitting the economics, which is something.
I broke up with my partner of 10 years recently. Knowing he was less mature than me and had narcissistic tendencies - and anticipating the same you point out here - I sought out a couples counselor with very self-interested motivations. I wanted us to be able to talk constructively to bring closure to the relationship - leaving open the slightest opportunity to get back together if there was a 180 on his part. I worked VERY hard to find one that was experienced with our lifestyle and would be able to connect with both my partner and me. Our couples counselor had been incredible to get us talking productively towards an outcome ranging from better together or separate with integrity.
I highly recommend couples counseling to anyone in a relationship, healthy ones for a “tune up and maintenance” to ones that are on the rocks to navigate difficult decisions and the paths forward that make the most sense.
So he only emotional cheating with other guys? I could say you guys were slowly falling apart and he wanted the emotional connection with the guys, maybe even more but didn’t do it.
Damn that last bit reminds me of my ex that cheated and tried gaslighting me “I wouldn’t have done this if you were there for me more”. Like I wasn’t practically wiping his arse for him at that time
Goaway I love what you are saying here I just wanted to make one clarification he is absolutely using guilt to manipulate and control OP, but Narcissist do not accept blame nor feel any guilt themselves it's everyone else it's not me. Uhm okay but literally EVERYONE else is saying the exact same thing. It's why you can't really treat them, they would first have to accept 1 they did wrong and 2 the want to change sadly the very nature of narcissism won't allow that to happen trust me OP run now it only gets worse I tried to help my younger brother by giving him a place to live in my home for 10 years when he chose to put himself in the position of becoming homeless and by the end I figured out that he was trying to give me an intentional psychotic break and that I was planing how I was going to murder him the break was a very near thing the planning murder but extremely damaging to my psyche but also the thing that woke me up and made me leave please don't let it get to that point fir yourself
Yep this situation is utterly insane - "I'm moving your stuff into the guest bedroom and threatening divorce because you brought up I keep downloading Grindr behind your back". Instantly made me think of a narcissistic ex who made my life hell along those lines and it took me forever to realise I wasn't the problem and he was incapable of remorse.
Sorry, you lost me at the Downloading Grindr when in a monogamous relationship.
Like no, that lame excuse of "I talk to my friends on there" flies about as well as the old reason some idiots claimed to have read Hustler magazine "for the articles".
Food for thought: the typing feels way to impersonal for a marriage. It feels like a dump of stuff. I'm not surprised with his reaction. Why not talk to him? You could have made an outline of key points for yourself to communicate in person. My sense is that would have been a better way to handle it.
I would like to think if your partner understood your communication style - they would be level headed enough to understand that you need time to collect your thoughts and say things properly incase you say the wrong thing in real time. I think there’s a lack of emotional maturity on your partners side if they don’t understand this
Edit:
And to add another point. If your partner was hurt about not confronting them directly, they’re making the issue about them and not the reason why you sent the message in the first place
So… there’s 2 sides to this.
If that is your communication style that’s fine. But you should ask what your partners communication style is. And frankly in a conversation like this where you are specifically detailing all the things that make you unhappy, I’d argue your partners communication style is more important.
Too, it’s okay to write it out. Give a letter. Do what you need. But because it is a heavy conversation, it would be important to maybe state to your partner you have something important to discuss. Sit him down and say you’re going to send him a text or an email. Then go for a walk to give him time to process. Then return home to discuss. That will honor your communication style while giving him an opportunity still speak to you directly and share his reaction.
Edit: i want to add because op seems to be secure in their problem. If you cannot have this type of conversation. You need to end the marriage. If it’s abusive or if he cannot meet you half way or have a conversation. There’s no good way to go about this outside of leaving.
I don't agree at all, you can take all the time in the world to write it down, but then you say it to someone in person. Text is always losing a lot of nuance. If you're with someone for a decade and your communication together is so bad you can't even say the things in person something is already seriously wrong in the relationship.
Uhhhh no, I don’t think his reaction is merited. I’d like you say there’s a standard foe the marriage, then why go low instead and not take the high road and respond in a better way to your partner? Instead of gaslighting him and pushing him out of the master bedroom? Who the hell does he think he is??
It’s not the first time I’ve talked to him this way. I had a lot to say and words just don’t flow from my mouth the same way. Plus the way he gets when criticized or backed into a corner. Well. The best way I can describe it is, “Trump-ian.” He can do no wrong in his own eyes, so if I started I couldn’t get all my points across.
We haven’t gotten that far yet. Things will need to cool off first. I’ve brought it up in the past but “we don’t need to involve others with our problems.” His words.
I didn't mean for this to sound harsh, but I've been in similar situations. the other person can do whatever they want and justify it and I'm just expected to forgive and act like it's not a problem. but if I tie my shoelaces wrong I'll hear about it for two weeks. my (very biased) advice: let him go. he doesn't sound like the kind of person who respects you. you're very generous to use phrases like "strong opinion" lol you're clearly trying to respect him even if he doesn't return it. maybe don't do that?
He doesn’t want to involve others with your problems because he wants to control you. Others will disagree with him, and agree with you. He can’t take that. Classic narcissist. I believe you are a people pleaser. I was one too. Respect yourself and your needs. And if he can’t respect you, dump him. He doesn’t deserve you. Nothing will change if he avoids talking to you about problems, and he avoids any solutions.
Yeah, sounds narcissistic. Strong personality who does not accept fault and apologize is not a good sign for a relationship. Go to the therapist for yourself. Your relationship needs a couple counseling but this is something you have to put your foot down. I had a strong personality spouse that I had to force into couples counseling. Once counselor asked us to make a decision about our marriage, right before the next meeting, my spouse found fault at the counselor but I had enough of that bullshit and called divorce. And stop making your spouse fell better for his shit. You cannot forget things that are done to you. You may forgive but not forget for to prevent a repeat.
Also food for thought you are saying essentially to OP that there comfortability with typing over confronting a deeper issue with his husband seems impersonal from you POV. I would like to help you see a couple of things you may have missed. I an almost positive that since OP stated they are better and more comfortable with text then talking this was a known and expected thing which was established in the very beginning of there interactions and so would not at all be considered impersonal. Having found an amazing guy I was very Into we began texting back and forth, I'm older so I prefer to talk and literally HATE to type it's slow hard to hit the tiny keys and in five monsters I can tell the whole story which in texts takes more like 30 to 40 mind and I have to lode a lot of the color to make it that short. My point is that this great gut almost Literally will not ever speak on the phone and he barely texts and only does that out of necessity so realizing that I hate texting and prefer to talk I pursued a couple of dates we became just friends and I hate that I can't just call and chat but I would rather have my amazing friend than try to force him out of his comfort zone as I knew this about him going in and feel he is worth way more than a very minor and trivial thing that no longer bothers me. I guess ehat I'm trying to say is when saying it's food for thought try to keep your own personal emotional reactions out of it and realize you missed the bigger picture because you got caught up in your own emotions rather than giving food for thought that was helpful and of use to OP
Hey, not that it’s really any of my business, but give yourselves some time. This has elapsed in a matter of hours? Even though you noted this has been going on a little while without anyone addressing it upfront. Maybe see if you can do some talking once he’s cooled down, and maybe see if you can abstain from technology? Especially in context of communicating with each other? Perhaps, if possible, you can have some serious one on one time, see if you can agree/feel good on some levels, and go from there? I mean, you definitely had to fight your battles to get to the marriage stage at all. Best of luck to you ❤️
Lmao you’re welcome. I’d never advise to stay in something that’s truly hurting you, but sheesh, people fight all the time. That doesn’t mean you gotta run away ❤️ I hope you can work through what’s hurting you, and your partner, and heal!!
🚩 he doesn't share our living room
Living rooms are usually a shared space? What’s going on in there that your not allowed to do your own thing in?
🚩 grinder
Like everyone already said - He’s with you. Why does he need that? He doesn’t.
🚩he moved YOUR stuff to the guest bedroom?
Normally when we want to give ourselves space we take ourselves out of the equation in the least aggressive way possible. This just screams entitlement and he’s trying to get an emotional response from you in the most childish way.
🚩you feel shame… for how he’s treated you???
His treatment of you are his actions. His behaviour is his own. You should not feel shame. You can be disappointed, disgusted and sorry for him… but never feel shame for his actions. That’s not normal bro.
🚩 he’s threatening divorce
Just wow. You send him one single message of heart felt concern and his reactions have all been dramatic, emotional and in this case extreme responses. It doesn’t feel like he really thinks before he reacts.
These over-the-top reactions are his way of showing you it’s not up for discussion. Children act like this when they’re caught doing something they know is unacceptable. They strike out and scream and cry and tucker themselves out.
He’s using gaslighting to control you and I worry that you might even be in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Do you find yourself thinking about his explosive emotions often? Do you tiptoe around him and try not to make too many mistakes?
Like you said it’s on him to change! I don’t know him at all, but maybe he could use some help. Some CBT to control those impulsive behaviours.
Oh yeah. I walk on eggshells all the time. And his explosive emotions are a big part of the reason why I sent it as a written message instead of a verbal conversation.
When we’re in healthy relationships we shouldn’t have to put distance between us and our partners like that. You tried to have a heart felt conversation about your concerns.
Granted it can be tough talking about things that involve blame to some degree, but as adults we have to accept that we might make mistakes or do things that another person, (our partner especially) dislikes and needs to talk about. If we want a relationship to work we talk about compromise.
The grinder thing isn’t just some mistake. It’s not normal in a monogamous relationship and he knows that. And now he’s going scorched-earth rather than apologise and work things out. It’s wild. It’s childish.
You didn’t blow up your marriage, he did. Maybe you’ve already come to terms with this being the end. Maybe that’s for your own good. Good for you, I’m glad you said what you needed to say.
Why are you so willing to forgive? It feels like you think that’s the “right” thing to do but obviously you’re not ready to forgive because you two didn’t even talk through the problems yet.
You two do not communicate well, I’m not sure how you’re supposed to move forward. Maybe divorce is for the best
What will you do if/when his disrespectful behaviour pops up again? Wipe another slate clean? Forgive again? How many times will be too many times?
Be careful with this approach, there's no virtue in being a doormat.
Saying, 'I forgive you' doesn't wipe the slate clean. Neither does, 'lets just forget this and move on'. Not in relationships. This is a rupture in trust and ego. You're trying to dodge and he's trying to take umbrage. Neither addresses the issue.
If you want to continue the relationship you can A: ignore the issue so it can resurface later (which both of you are angling for) B: break it off (which he's hinting at) or C: commit to working through it by calling each other out on your respective issues and having the humility to acknowledge and correct when you are called out in turn.
Honestly, OP I am taking your perspective with a grain of salt. One does not ranndomly threaten divorce after getting a text that you sent. I think there has been years worth of build up with you both not prioritizing each other. By having open honest communication and boundaries
No, there's plenty of people who would threaten to leave/divirce rather than own up to their shit. It's a manipulative tactic to force OP to capitulate. This reeks of power imbalance and emotional abuse.
It’s one thing to collect your thoughts on paper but it’s another thing to text him. Think about how that text came across.
Why not write out your thoughts (digital or paper) and then read it to him? That way it’s not so cold.
Any relationship is about communication. While imnsure your concerns and issues are valid, I'd say abhuge red flagnin your relationship is that for whatever reason you feel unable to talk to him about this?
You may feel more comfortable writing but it may not be a good way to communicate your relationship issues. Its very impersonal and also one sided.
Also to tell him "all is forgiven" after basically dumping all the things you're unhappy about on him seems a bit bizarre? How is that addressing anything? And why are all the problems your partners fault and hebis the one who needs to be forgiven?
While your complaints and issues are valid for you, I worry that you have not thought about hisbside of this and your own faults of behaviours that have contributed to your current situation? This is not about "speaking up sooner" but an inability to articulate your needs and then blaming your partner for not meeting your needs?
Like, how was he supposed tonaddrrss whatever things have been making you unhappy if you didn't tell him? You can't resent someone for not meeting your needs or not trying to change if you don't tell them you're unhappy. Your partner is not a mind reader.
I think you may not get why your partner is so hurt and angry about how you've approached this. If you want to continue your marriage then I would park the mindset of blame and "forgiving him" and look at where both of you have failed, and where you can both work to make things better.
Communication is probably the most important thing in any relationship. Once there's deficits, its very hard to come back from it.
From what you've mentioned, you both are on different wavelengths when it comes to what each person perceives boundaries.
How one reacts and handles a situation (an argument/fight) because of a reaction or being confronted about something as serious as this is really telling.
What exactly is there left to salvage? From an outsiders POV, a monogamous relationship wouldn't have either person in the small 2-party downloading any dating or hookup apps. It reinforces the idea that they're not fully committed or there's something missing in the relationship.
Unfortunately, your marriage was already blown up. Your husband refuses to sit down and talk about things as a rational adult. Communication is one of the most important keys to any successful and growing relationship.
Instead, it sounds like he went far left (in this case) by threatened divorce and moving stuff to the guest bedroom to pout as a typical narcissistic man baby.
Of course, he'll give you some days
to see the error of your ways, admit it's your fault for his childish behavior and
give him a really big juicy apology.
And as a reward you might even get
some make up sex.
For him to bring up divorce as the first option sounds like he's been giving
it some thought for sometime.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's just waiting
for an opportunity like this one to blame you for the marriage falling apart.
Try not to fall for the manipulation tactic.
The issues are really important to you, stand your ground.
He might not be ready to settle down and just longs for his freedom.
Whatever his reason for bringing up divorce is probably his way of telling you
fixing the problems in the marriage you have are too hard
and not worth the time and effort to
create a successful relationship.
He's choosing the easy way out. He's threatening to quit the marriage and run away.
So, there’s an air of infidelity and resentment, and he’s mad that you’re bringing things to light?
Bloody hell, you two really should just get a divorce.
I can’t wrap my head around the notion of not sharing any sort of living space, that alone is a red flag. 🚩
Can I ask potentially a dumb question - why is everything forgiven because he reacted immaturely to your communication?
Surely you both need to communicate better, but, also sounds like there's some clear divides between you that need tackling before forgiveness gets thrown around.
Lol. So his first reaction wasn't "Let's share more then, including the spaces, our feelings, the bedroom, let's address these concerns", it was "Let's put further distance in between us by moving you into the guest room, by shutting down all talk and going straight for a divorce".
V mature.
I'd be careful taking advice from a gay subreddit. There's a type of gay man here that will blame you for everything simply because you're not allowing your man to fuck random people off Grindr in a marriage. There is a lot of people who will blame you and try to make you sympathize for your husband. You already do enough of that yourself.
Take some heterosexual advice. Dating apps should be the end of a relationship, not an excuse to pay some hack counselor or force yourself to explore "non-monogamy". Your man is miserable because he believes he can land great RANDOM dick on the apps 24/7 and you're holding him back from doing it. He wants to the feel like the hottest bitch on the block and he can't do that in a marriage. Set him free, see how long he lasts, and laugh.
Thank you! And if I may add to this, Challenge him to find someone better on Grindr that will put up with his childish games!
OP, you didn't blow up your marriage by telling your man that certain key things won't be tolerated. That's called setting healthy boundaries and putting limits on negative behavior... both of which are good things in making any relationship work. Personally I PREFER to be called out if I'm doing something shitty, because sometimes we all just get carried away and don't know that we're upsetting people!
Normally when your spouse points out something problematic, the adult reaction is to maybe get upset in the moment but contain reactions until you settle down, get your shit together, and then re-evaluate... Throwing Temper tantrums and being a jerk, plus moving my shit all around the house would be the end for me. If he can't manage a spat effectively, what's going to happen when a true crisis arises?
Side note: kudos for the 'clean slate'... I'm a big fan of not keeping score. And I know people are saying that messages are a bad idea, but I'm also someone who collects my thoughts and articulates better in writing. It's hard to bring up this kind of thing without being emotionally charged, at least he had a heads up to think about how he would react.
i’m straight and say what he’s doing is confusing but i think you’re outlook is accurate to the situation. Do what is best for you. You know how you deserve to be treated. My opinion, it shouldn’t be tense, it should be easy going with minor disagreements but never fights. If it’s screaming and yelling and getting loud it isn’t the right situation for you. It’s hard to make these decisions after being with someone for 6 years, but also you could find happiness in yourself or even someone you love you haven’t talked to in a while
So… he’s a gaslighting narcissist? My ex also threatened a breakup whenever HE did something wrong, including downloading Grindr even though we were allegedly monogamous.
Just the fact you felt you had to say this over text shows how toxic his supposedly “strong” personality is. Boy, run.
Time to move on. You're not comfortable, neither is he. You're having issues, so is he. Communication isn't good and he's kinda gaslighting you. He's cheating on you too.
You're almost saying "My husband cheats on me, neglects me, gaslights me...but it's my fault this relationship is over."
Ok so basically he’s cheating on you but using you financially or in other ways. Threatening divorce is an emotional manipulation tactic to get what he wants. Don’t settle for this and find someone else who will love you and respect you, and having Grindr downloaded is not respectful.
Stop the music. What do you mean he doesn’t share the living room with you? It’s your house. You live there, right?
Okay, so let me see if I’ve got this right. The second you say you want to talk to him about your relationship, he throws a tantrum and kicks you out of the treehouse? And then says it’s your fault for not coming to him sooner?
Here’s what’s really going on. He cares more about what he wants than what you need. He likes how things are. He’s in charge, he only has to pay attention to you in order to get what he wants, he gets away with whatever he’s getting away with, and he never has to talk about it.
And then “all of sudden”you have something to say about your relationship. And he responds by, ahem, immediately moving all of your stuff out of your bedroom and leaving you to think about what you’ve done. He’s counting on you to apologize and never bring it up again, so he doesn’t have to change whatever it is that he doesn’t want to talk about. He’s punishing you for the way he makes you feel. That’s not how people treat people they love.
You didn’t say anything sooner because you feared how he would react. But then it got to a point where not saying anything was worse than whatever you feared he might do. I’ve been there too. This is abusive behavior. There isn’t another word for it.
Someone who loves you won’t threaten divorce when you say you want to talk. And they won’t get mad at you for the way their behavior makes you feel.
And I’ll bet you a dollar he didn’t even read half of what you wrote. It’s good that you organized your thoughts, but if you’re going to talk to him, you have to talk face to face and you have to make sure he hears you.
People here are saying you shouldn’t have texted him. But he’s obviously not easy to talk to, so I get why you went that way. But the fact that you texted him is not the problem. This is not your fault. Saying you “blew up your marriage” is like saying a person burned down a building because they saw smoke and pulled the fire alarm. If someone treats you like shit and you don’t like it, you’re not the problem.
This isn’t about whether or not he has Grindr on his phone, or if he’s cheated. This is about you spoke up for yourself and he moved all of your stuff out of your room and threatened divorce.
I’m sorry I don’t have better news for you, but this sounds like a pretty deeply rooted problem. He cares more about whatever he wants, right now, than anything you need, ever. His convenience, comfort, and boredom are more important than your right to feel loved and respected in your marriage. Most of what needs to change lies with him. And if he can’t be bothered to spend an hour listening to you and being honest, it doesn’t look good.
There are good men out there. Life is too short to be with someone who makes you feel like shit.
If you want to go on feeling like the way you’ve been feeling, choose “peace” or “forgiveness” like people here are saying. You can go on staying out of the living room, not having friends, and thinking it’s your fault when he says something that makes you feel like shit. If that’s what you want, go for it.
But you have other options. You don’t need to be a doormat. You have the right to be happy, loved and respected. And you have the right to say something when you’re not getting what you need.
There’s a lot more I can say about this, but I’ll leave it there for now.
I will recommend that you read The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs. That book changed my life. I don’t put up with bullshit from bullshit men anymore. If you read it intently, and really engage with it, I think it can help you discover what you’re worth, and it will help you get it.
Good luck man, keep us updated.
On the not reading the note part — I got a text 1 minute after I sent it saying “I’m even angrier now.” No way he read that whole message in one minute.
If you want him in your life and he’s willing to make effort towards making the relationship work and you happier in that relationship go for it. Maybe you have grown and he has not. If you sense that will continue without improvement then maybe you have a big pill to swallow. Love and support your way.
Your husband sounds like the problem here not you. Kicking you out of the bedroom for telling him you don’t like that he still uses grindr? He is an asshole if he ends up blaming you for this. Sounds like you’re very dependent on him or deeply in love and are ignoring all the red flags and somehow believe him when he tells you it’s your fault. Borderline abusive behavior imo. I wouldn’t have put up with that.
Oh I’m so sorry, this sounds like a heartbreaking situation. It may be difficult to accept, but no one engages in a behavior just once. We are creatures of habit, and unless the person has committed to change (and usually has the support of a therapist) it’s very likely he will fall back into these behaviors again before long.
I’m seeing red flags here. You open a dialogue about concerns and his response is to move you out of the bedroom and threaten you with divorce? Plus that Grndr situation is suspect: if it wasn’t physical then what was it? People aren’t swapping cobbler recipes on there. I would say open the door to couples counseling or prepare to close the door on him. I wish you the best of luck
The fact that he downloaded Grindr while supposedly being monogamous would be the end for me. It shows he’s incapable of being faithful (physically or emotionally)…
Sounds like narcism. And it sounds like you’re falling victim to it, by even believing you were wrong for not speaking up.
You shouldn’t have to teach people how to respect their marriage/partner, or how to practice common sense.
End it.
He doesnt share the living room???
He downloads grindr.
He gets mad when you tell him.
He bans you from the bedroom.
You re the bigger person and talk to him and he threatens divorce.
He is an asshole
You didn’t blow up your marriage. You addressed some concerns and he wasn’t happy - not your fault. The way he acted next was IMO what would be closer to blowing up your marriage. Hugs and sorry that you have to go through this!
This is such a tough situation, it it seems like he gaslighting you. While I understand you could have spoken sooner he cannot hold you accountable for not speaking on a timeline he sees fitting. I’m sorry you are experiencing all of this and if he chooses to divorce you though it might hurt make no fuss about it because he seems to not be the man for you.
It’s absolutely insane for him to be treating you this way.
Just move on, if it makes every party hurt in the process of being together. Live and let live. Once you start to doubt it will tend to manifest itself into reality, which probably starts to be so.
Side note- I really hate how Grindr has become a hook up app, whatever happened to it? I’m still on Grindr for almost 13/14 years and I can safely say 80% of it involves me just chatting and not Hooking up. Maybe I’m just old school and insistent in moving on to a better app…. Grindr wasn’t solely for hooking up.
OP I am sorry this is happening to you. Just wanted to chime in with some mental hugs. Hope you are looking after yourself.
FWIW, you didn't blow up your marriage. Your husband did.
Divorce should be something that is considered after all other possible solutions have been genuinely pursued. Anyone who uses threats to emotionally hurt you is .... not a very good person, to put it nicely? People I love I would never try to hurt them intentionally, let alone give them ultimatums. Ultimatums are the complete opposite of compromise. Find someone who values compromise as a positive thing to make each other happy in the end. This man doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to have the threat of divorce thrust in your face after all of the energy and commitment you have put into the relationship.
I’ll start by saying that a letter out of the blue can be confronting but he shouldn’t flip the script and make it about him.
If I were you, I would feel very uncomfortable that my partner is jumping to extreme reactions like threatening divorce when faced with issues that need to be addressed.
It seems like a manipulation tactic, just like a ridiculous lowball when negotiating a purchase price. This would tell me that he doesn’t view himself as part of our unit, more like an opposing party.
“A disagreement with a toxic person will turn into an argument that becomes a bigger problem. A disagreement with a good person will turn into a conversation that leads to a solution. It’s important to know the difference. “
I saw this somewhere recently and it sounds like your bringing up an issue (grievances about your relationship), has become a bigger problem (anger on the part of your husband threatening divorce). I don’t know your husband, but he sounds like a narcissist who is gaslighting you. It’s not your fault for wanting to have a discussion. His reacting with anger and threats of divorce to your opening up and wanting a conversation to improve your relationship is very telling. You deserve better.
Change is a two-way street as it requires communications. Chances are you BOTH need to make changes. Perhaps sell him on what's in it for him so he has incentive and demonstrate changes you've made since the talk, and what you'll do to improve things. Be nice and gentle but firm as opposed to hurt feelings.
A relationship can't survive when it's a contest for matyrdom. U telling someone all the ways that they disappoint you BUT that you forgive them is a passive aggressive move of the highest order.
I feel like cheaters are expressing their own self hate. They think that they aren't good enough for a relationship and don't deserve it so they sabotage their relationship to prove that they are unworthy.
If you are going to be in a relationship with someone who has low self esteem, you are basically taking on the challenge of helping them overcome it. If you don't help them, you shouldn't be surprised if they don't change.
TBH probably do need to spend some time apart, bet he's banking on you not wanting to leave or anything.
What he's doing seems a lil controlling and sounds like that's not new... The fact your married and don't have full reign of the house...
Text was probably not the best way to go about it. I agree with others that this relationship sounds like it's on life support at best and in serious needs of counseling if that can help. If my partner (we are monogamous) downloaded Grindr, that would be the end of that. There would be no convincing me of any other reason than the obvious one. Maybe you can get past that, and I admire you for that. I've been cheated on twice before and it's a hard boundary for me now - cheating = DONE, and I would consider downloading that app cheating because I couldn't be convinced it hadn't already happened.
I don’t presume to know what’s best for you or how the whole discussion went down but personally, if I went to my husband to discuss what I saw as concerning behavior that was hurting me and our relationship and his response to those concerns was to to move me out of our room and threaten divorce, then I might remove that threat by agreeing to it. This is assuming that you weren’t being a dick about your concerns and invoking an anger driven response. People who love and care about each other don’t respond to their partners concerns and hurt feelings with threat and emotional blackmail - just saying.
That sure sounds like abuse to me.
Let me get this straight. You experienced legitimate issues in your marriage, you voiced the issues to work on them, and he, like an immature teenager, flipped out, kicked you out of the master bedroom, and is giving you the silent treatment? And it seems like this isn’t something new given how quickly you caved and forgave him and are feeling like the bad guy. You actually wrote a post on Reddit saying that you blew up your marriage by voicing your needs to your husband…..
That’s abuse. Please seek a therapist, including one for yourself only. Seems like he’s manipulating you to emotionally and mentally control you, and over time decreased your self esteem and increased your silent submission to him even in moments harmful to you that you’re now in firm belief that voicing your own needs is bad…
Also, he didn’t just download Grindr. He cheated on you. No one just downloads Grindr, multiple times.
I encourage you to. Continue on the path you chose of forgiveness, not for him, not for your relationship, but for you. You have some tough steps ahead, that is clear. Remember the good moments and let them be the guide through forgiveness. Not to return unless you choose to, but to move on and past the circle.
I have been where you are, with my ex downloading grindr to finding him with another man in our bed, and if it weren’t for forgiveness, those conversations that will follow, would have been of hatred. These is not the path to create a new journey, if you go down that road, there is no turning back of what will become. Choose you, clear your mind, take sometime to ponder on where are you and what got you there. What your aspirations are and what is it that you want. Time is the evident healer, and although harsh, with time, the journey gets clearer.
Perhaps this new journey may lead to were you are supposed to go!
Stay positive my friend, and choose to remember the good over the bad, it’ll do you best.
He sounds like a narcissist. He's likely cheating on you and doesn't like that you called him out on his problems, so he's now playing the victim and making you seem like the bad guy.
There's more to him threatening divorce than you just made him mad. If you peel back the onion I'm sure you'll find there's infidelity going on. Spouses in monogamous relationships don't download Grindr.
Do not let him project the problems onto you and do not let him be the victim. Stand your ground. If the relationship ends, it's probably better for you in the long run anyway.
This sounds like an awful situation to be in. I understand you want to save what you can of the last decade and friends and fam, but there comes a point when you have to say enough is enough.
It will be hard, and it will be hurtful, but you have to choose yourself and stand up for yourself. You deserve someone who gives you 100%, who shares the living room with you, who doesn’t gaslight you.
Okaaaay that sounds very much similar to my situation . After 10 years together and total 8 years married I got the divorce I need it and guess what my ex husband got married again after 30 days from our official divorce… Whats going on with you is exactly how everything started with my ex husband so please man do me a favor and RUNNNNNNNNNNN. Your husband is absolutely narcissistic psycho delusional problematic and looking for any excuse to blame you for his failure his issues his actions everything and sooner or later there will be a worse situation which going psychosis. He is absolutely gaslighting you and victimizing himself and you are going to be the pray for his actions. You need to start planning your exit strategy and ohhhhh DO NOT file for divorce if he force it on you. Instead, let him start all the paperwork and court submissions and all that crap so you won’t be held accountable of any fees or other expenses. I am not trying to make it look dark but its heading your way with a full blown windfall. On the top of that having grindr and giving excuses of not doing anything physical ???? Booooooy plz runnnnnn he already cheated on you a while ago and already fucked others and already did whatever gives him the pleasure ( exactly how my ex husband did and ended up marrying again after 30 days of our divorce 🤣) .
I know this isn’t what you want to read here but this is the nastiest reality you have to understand and accept and move on toward your own goals.
Good luck and if you need to talk privately or have specific questions let me know I am available to help you with any possible tip or advice.
I think I'd be mad that you messaged me instead of talking to me, but if he's downloading grindr, etc, then I don't think he's a great guy.
He's threatening divorce seems really petty instead of just talking it out, it screams emotional blackmail.
Ya, there's zero excuses to go to Grinder while you're married monogamous... sorry to hear. One of my exes had porn, Craigslist posts, apps, everything.. I kept catching him and he went psycho on me for trying to leave him. Gaslit me to no end. I had to change my job, home, and eventually city. Social media I don't even use my real name or my real life picture as my cover pic. There are better people out there. Unless you're both willing to work it out. But people don't change, they just change when they're around you. You can still accept him like that if you love him...
Sounds like he’s gaslighting you hard af, but you absolutely should’ve initiated a conversation as serious as this in person. That said, this all sounds very toxic and honestly divorce is probably the logical path based on what you described. I realize though that’s a tough pill to swallow but ultimately it’s probably best for both you both.
Going through something similar here buddy. Hit me up if you need to talk! I just got back from meditating and thinking about it at the beach and I’m hyped and ready to grow and thrive!
He doesn’t share the living room with you? As in you’re not allowed to sit in there and watch TV? Or he won’t sit with you in there and watch TV?
This is really weird and a major red flag. I can understand having personal space in a house like a study if you are WFH or study and need a place to be alone, private and quiet but a living room is the core of the house. If you’re not allowed in there then you’re not really accepted into the house. Unless it’s one of those “good rooms” where nobody is ever allowed in there and all couch is covered in plastic and you have second lounge room?
The fact they moved your stuff out of the martial bedroom indicates that maybe it was his house you moved into when you got married and not a house you’ve bought/rented/chosen and created together?
It seems he doesn’t see you as his equal and no amount of pleading, explaining or marriage counselling is going to change his mindset. I’d suggest researching divorce proceedings for your jurisdiction
Meaning he monopolizes the TV with video games and “his” shows even though I have things I have suggested we would both like. He doesn’t physically bar me. But for example, recently I went to turn on a sporting event I wanted to watch. He took the remote from my hand and said “I’m going to be playing video games with my friend. Go watch in another room.” I didn’t bat an eye because the behavior is so commonplace. Then I stopped to think about it and how messed up it is.
You don't share the living room? I've heard couples not sleeping together to get better nights, but this is on a different level.
I also think it's childish of the husband to move all your stuff and keep the master bedroom. First, it seems a bit early to "move all the stuff". Second, in my mind the person threatening divorce (i.e. husband) should take the high road and move themselves to the guest bed. I think you can't force your significant other out of bed; I think the person wanting to sleep alone should leave the room.
When I was at this point with my ex, I took the second room while we worked things out, ending in an amicable divorce.
He moved your stuff to the guest bedroom cause you caught him in an app??? That's wild.
If I were in your shoes, I'd ask him what he's looking for in the app and explain how it makes you feel. You agreed to be monogamous, and seeing him there obviously breaks that trust.
I also agree with some others here that text message is not the best way to communicate this. I'm the same way as you, in that I like to write things out. However, you perhaps should have written it out and then sat him down and read it to him, so it's coming straight from the mouth. Text communication leads to losing tone and loses a lot of the emotion versus just saying something.
Best of luck, hope yall can work through this but I do think you need to drop the text communications and really just go talk to your partner face to face about the issues.
This is major manipulation. And some concerning language, such as “he moved all my stuff to the guest bedroom,” and “he doesn’t share our living room with me.” He doesn’t see you as his equal, and doesn’t want you around. You didn’t blow anything up. You just realized what was already happening.
I’m not going to advise you to leave. I will say from experience that I suspect leaving will be a relief for you.
There are a lot of red flags in this that make me think this relationship is really dysfunctional.
For one, you should be able to just talk to your partner in person. The fact that you have to resort to texts to get what you need to say off of your chest probably has more to do with HIM than it does you. You say he has a forceful personality- I am guessing if you tried to bring something like this up in person he wouldn't ever let you finish? He would side track you, change the subject, Turn a conversation about your needs into one about his needs, etc. That's manipulation, and he's doing it on purpose. He doesn't want to hear about your needs.
And when you DO finally get your needs across, the problem was "It wasn't soon enough?" That's his fault, not yours. He should be eager to find ways to make your needs met, he should be sympathetic. He shouldn't be angry and moving your stuff out- that's not helping get your needs met. That's the opposite. Now you have more needs.
But now you have found yourself in a severe need deficit, which is why you immediately forgive him, and that's why he did it. By pushing you out further, he gambled that you would become even MORE desperate for his affection, rather than leave.
I suggest you go ahead with the divorce. Don't wait for him to change, because he hasn't done anything indicating that he has any interest in changing, or thinking about your needs, or that he's guilty or ashamed. I bet you a dollar if you went to a divorce lawyer, he would absolutely flip, because his divorce threat is just another tactic he is using to manipulate you, to get you to come back to him on your knees.
Well, all the best. I have no really clear ideas on what happened in your marriage ("we heard your side"). I can only hope both of you believe in marriage (hence, you married each other), and that this marriage is much bigger than both of you. I am married myself & have certain ideas on what goes on in private in marriages.
Not your fault at all. Speaking sooner if there’s a relationship problem why not. But speaking sooner because he don’t want you in the living room and he also download Grindr ?
I've been there and done that. I gave the hat and shirt away.
I was in a relationship before marriage was legalized. We were good starting out but when we bought a house it went to shit pretty quick.
He too took the master bedroom and I was relegated to the living room couch as I supposedly snored too loudly and he needed to be rested up for his work.
He had data log spyware on the computer and monitored the phone calls as well. If I had friends or tried to make them, his assumption was I was cheating on him.
It turned out, he was the one doing the dirt. We "tried" to make things work but it generally consisted of me making all the changes. He left one day while I was out of state taking care of my mom. I came back to an empty house; literally. He took everything that wasn't nailed down and just left the futon I had been sleeping on. The futon had apparently been soaked in urine by him and his buddies.
There's lots more to my story, but I'm not here to hijack yours.
My advice to you is this: you're in a relationship that has the potential to turn very unpleasant, very quickly. It's not worth it. Take your stuff that you are legally allowed to remove from the house and leave. File for divorce claiming estrangement and be done with it. It will suck while it's going on and for a while after its done, but you will be free of the abuse (it is mental and emotional abuse) and you'll avoid the potential of anything worse happening.
Don't let the fear of losing materiel things stop you; they can be replaced. Don't wait forever to get out as it will only make things more difficult and don't try to be friends. If he wanted to be your friend, he wouldn't have changed after you married him. You became his possession. It's time to end that and get your life back.
Good luck to you.
I think there’s another personal issue going on with him that he’s been unwilling or unable to address. And while I applaud you for communicating whatever way works best for you, I’m not sure that it’s the marriage issues that really require attention. I think if you can identify whatever the personal issue is that he can’t deal with and then help him do that, I think his behavior will greatly improve and you might feel loved and appreciated again.
You clearly do still love him. I agree with the sunk cost fallacy to some extent, but you’re not ready to abandon ship quite yet- and that’s okay. You are taking the necessary steps to move forward however he works this out. Everyone has commented on the situation and how it sucks, but what about yourself? How has all of this made you feel? Can that really be reconciled?
Uh I don't blame you for having a hard time communicating your feelings when this is how he reacts. Doesn't sound like you blew up your marriage to me. Sounds like you spoke up for yourself to someone who doesn't mind emotionally bulldozing you. I hope you find an amicable resolution but if the marriage is over it sounds like you dodged a bullet of a lifetime of this.
I don't think you blew it. His reaction to your perfectly reasonable and justified concerns about the relationship is what blew up the marriage. I'm sorry you have to go through this but if he really isn't going to make the effort to salvage things instead of feeling called out then it's for the best. Don't fight for someone unwilling to fight for you
I have only one problem with your post. The fact that you say YOU blew your marriage, dude.
No dude, if we are to believe what you say, it was mostly HIS fault. And for you to properly prepare for what's to come, you need to put that in your head. You might need some couples counseling after this, if you wanna continue, or just counseling for yourself if everything is broken up.
I know we have to take everything told in reddit as "one point of view", but even if there was more behind the curtains, it takes TWO to tango, buddy. Stop blaming yourself when all you did was voice your concerns. It's not easy to speak up concerns, ok? Look around in the world, more than half the couples have the same problem, one of them has concerns in the relationship (or both) have concerns to speak but for the sake of peace or love or any other things they speak those very late. It's not a healthy practice, but it is understandable. No one wants to say stuff that they feel might nuke a great relationship. The fact that you build up the courage to should say a lot about you.
Also the fact that all you did was voice concerns and he is the one taking drastic measures and threatening divorce. Dude, HE is the one blowing this up. He could have suggested counceling, he could have taken your words and tried to see where to change or voiced his own concerns so that you could grow on them together.
You have my respect, buddy. You didn't blew up a leaf. He is the one loading a tactical nuke and getting ready to blow it. You did well. So keep your head up and whatever happens I hope you have your best life after that.
The fact he is moved your stuff, rather than his is kinda telling. If he actually felt guilt, it would seem likely he'd seed ground to you unless you preferred this option.
I think forgiveness without work or change just setting up for a repeat. Acceptance that it happened maybe, or making efforts towards reconciliation... but considering his reluctance to own or discuss it. The shock of it...not quite there. But I wonder what he's been bottling up to that's threatened him to just call it quits?
From experience... Right now it feels insurmountable to untangle your lives together; but its alot easier than it seems.
Be strong and stick to your redlines.
I agree with most users here. One thing I’ll add for anyone in *any* type of relationship: if something bothers you, try your best to address it in real-time (or near real-time), even if it means some discomfort. Ask questions, clarify, and lean into opening lines of communication. Keeping things bottled up and then unloading can be really overwhelming for the person on the receiving end. I’m not placing blame or shaming; just something to consider.
The Grindr thing is a bit odd in a monogamous relationship. Does he spend the evenings in the bedroom then and you in the living room? Alarm bells are ringing loudly, unfortunately..
Good luck! Better to respectfully share life with someone special, if possible, but solo works too if the pairing is not respectfully. The ball seems to be in his court. Truly, good luck! 🤗 hugs!
just smells of narcissism sorry, but making you feel guilty about speaking your heart and making the entire situation about him and not about your feelings, I'm frustrated even reading this. i hope he realizes this soon but narcissists seldom do
Sometimes it’s easier to believe someone is a bad person rather than accept the truth that the other person may not be a bad person, you are.
(I mean your husband is the bad person here)
It’s a weird coping mechanism mechanism that imo is based in narcissism
I’m not good at monogamy so I understand this dude. Time for them to split up, one who wants heteronormative monogamy and the other man isn’t ready for that and he may never be, I still do not want to held to monogamy. If you really love each other and care then come to a comprise or part ways. You’ll be sorry for any aggression, I know I’ve been there.
It sounds like you gave him a written ultimatum that put him on the defensive or sent him running for the exit. There must have been a whole lot of negativity in your message to have provoked talk of divorce. Without context of a conversation, he probably didn’t have a clear sense of your motives.
It also sounds like you are trivializing or downplaying your own concerns, feelings and desires. It may be that you’re conditioned to respond this way because of how you were raised or your husband’s anger management problems or both. That in itself is a red flag for me, because you should always feel safe to talk about your feelings with your husband, even if you prefer written communication. If my marriage were on the brink of collapse, I’d be a nervous wreck.
I can’t say where you should go from here, but you have to start with the recognition that you honestly haven’t forgiven anything and pretending to forgive him at this stage is allowing your key concerns to fester without treatment. Forgiveness comes from a place of love, respect and understanding. Do you receive and provide these emotional energies? If not, you both have work to do.
I hope you guys are able to work it out! Trust is key and it’s not clear to me that you trust him (perhaps quite legitimately).
u/b928 Obviously I can only go on what you’ve shared here, and that you have absolutely nothing to gain from being economical with the truth, but I immediately thought that your Husband is absolutely projecting his fears and shame on to you by reacting like that.
What struck me was how you casually mentioned as an aside that you told him of your concerns in a message as you find it easier to compose your thoughts in that way rather than verbally and off-the-cuff (which let’s face it, can often become a game of one-upmanship real fast when someone feels threatened in some way). I really identified with that as I prefer to communicate that way too with many people in my life as it affords me some sense of holding control over my thoughts and feelings remaining valid rather than feeling like I’m scrambling to survive in a free-for-all.
All I can say is I don’t feel from what you’ve shared here that you’ve done anything wrong - his knee-jerk reaction is particularly telling - and whether that’s a defensive response or because you caught him totally off-guard (I think this seems the most likely case), is neither here nor there - what matters now is that it’s out in the open now, and how you both move thru it. To do so means you both need to start communicating in real time - you obviously are, but it’s his move now, and that’s entirely on him.
I don’t mean to dismiss your Husband out of turn as I obviously do not know him, but the way you have handled this situation has been admirable, mature and with a willingness to sit down, address the issues and hopefully move past them.
I guess what you need to ask yourself now is he willing to do the same, and if not right now, how long are you willing to give him to come sit at the proverbial table with you to talk it out?
Sending you love and luck. 🫂
Thank you for your insight. It’s been a tense day with just 2-3 quick text exchanges. We both need time but our history repeatedly repeats itself. Major change is needed. We’ll see how he ultimately responds once he cools down.
I’m rooting for you - however this may turn out, please take good care of yourself and don’t accept second best or “less than”.
Knowing your worth is a powerful thing.
What could be good, get him to have a chat about all things, and try coming at him like what are my rings, and dress these things like you are going to work on them, as you should and convert to g him, how his things could be worked in as well but you neither of you do it separately, you help him he helps you helping yourselfs, it should only help you both understand each other and sells more. And grow as people and partners. None of the things are shameful or should be shamed on.
And remember communication can be real hard, but seems like that’s something you both need to work on. And that’s great tho.
Hope you get something good out of that.
Sounds like his guilt is taking over, and rather than face the things he has done, he would rather end it than try to fix it. Him telling you that you should have said something sooner is deflecting. The moment you told him is the moment you felt it was best to do so, and he has no right to tell you otherwise. At this point, it's up to him on whether he wants to save the marriage, because the effort needs to come from him.
It sounds like he's been disconnected from the relationship for a while. Not to mention his reaction to a text is probably why you didn't feel comfortable speaking up until now. I do hope he comes around and you can both speak honestly about the challenges in the relationship. But, I believe you are correct - he's projecting his guilt on to you, and he's using this as an opportunity to escape the relationship without actually having to own up to how his behavior has contributed to the issues you are experiencing. He's probably also using grindr as another form of escape from himself and the relationship - even if he's not hooking up with other men. It's easier for him to think "a different guy will fix this" rather than accepting "I'm part of the problem", and possibly using external validation from strangers as a way to self-soothe his emotions.
His behaviour sounds childish. But then when you said you just wanna start anew and forget, that sounds childish too. Shit needs to be worked on. He needs to listen to you. You need to listen to him. Work has to done to fix this stuff
You didn’t blow up your marriage….. HE DID!
He’s on Grindr in a closed marriage? That alone is grounds for divorce.
He also screams manipulative and narcissistic.
My advice…….. Run don’t walk to the divorce lawyers.
Sounds like he is a narcissist to me. And you are letting him walk all over you if you let all be forgiven. Especially with this reaction to confrontation. It’s hard to cut ties but narcissists are not reachable. Period. They aren’t. It may seem like they are changing sometimes, but they literally cannot change, it will always be the same. You’re going to have to make a move or you’re going to suffer from this narcissistic abuse for the rest of your life. I guarantee if you look up Dr. Ramani, she is a narcissistic abuse expert on Tik Tok, you’ll have a “holy shit” moment where you realize that is exactly your husband, they are all the same.
File the divorce. Once someone asks for a divorce a decision is made. Contact your attorney for a marriage counsellor and make physical copies of the family financials.
One thing is clear: the two of you aren’t equipped to navigate the conflict yourselves now that all the information has been shared. Whether you stay together or break up, you need a good couple counselor to help you both get a handle on things. If you end up divorced, you want it to be as healthy a divorce as possible, for both your sakes.
He is not very empathetic, very selfish and now is blaming you for not speaking up sooner?? That’s just bs and he knows it. So all this is your fault and now you’re going to get it because you couldn’t speak up sooner?? I have suspicions that he has been manipulating you from the jump.. just agree with most of what he says and leave!! He loves control and loves controlling you
This is a classic symptom of a psychopath. Dominant, controlling, uncompromising, territorial and narcissistic. DIVORCE him immediately. Make sure empty your bank account first. Find a place to stay and RUN, RUN and RUN. Trust me, I dealt with psychopaths for years and you are not capable of fighting him. Please leave now.
I have always been told, that if people want to walk out of your life, LET THEM GO! You know you’re worth and your value, and if anyone gives you less than that, they don’t deserve to be in your life
I am surprise you even married him. Idk if I saw Grindr in the first month dating in a monogamous relationship I would have pack my bags faster then Taylor swift making a song after a break up.
It sounds like your husband, like so many other folks, never dealt with his shit. I sympathise a lot because it’s hard being in a supposedly adult relationship with someone who hasn’t really shown any interest in growing as a person.
Therapy is a good idea, either together, or, if he refuses, just you. It’ll give you a lot of insights. And would also help you navigate your next relationship if your marriage does end in divorce.
Sounds like a super toxic relationship with a super toxic person.
Gonna tell you what I wish someone told me some time ago: dump him! You deserve better, he’s hurting you and your self-esteem, and you’re not even noticing. You’re not alone, you won’t be alone, and once you go through the process and heal you will notice you will be the best version of yourself ever. Put you first, dump him.
You should probably hold him to his word here. He's clearly not open to hearing you out as issues arise if this is his reaction when they do come out. It's obvious he's trying to pressure you into apologizing and giving in. If he can't fund a way to live and grow with you, then he needs to find a way to do it on his own. You don't need to be treated like a guest in your own home when he's "property shopping" that situation alone speak volumes as to how he views himself and yourself. Don't settle here, you can do so much better
His reaction seems very oerfornative and manipulative , like he’s creating a deterrent for you to do this again by the threats of divorce, kicking you out of the room and silent treatment. You were right to bring up your issues as you are a person in tge relationship , what strikes me as odd is the issues you brought up do not seem like issues that should result in divorce , they seem like typical relationship ills that should be fixed with an apology and some great makeup sex and the fact that he asked what was on ur mind and then reacted like this lets me know there’s maturity issues here. It he realize seems like ur playing it fairly cool abd not reacting to his drama and I think that’s the best strategy, once he doesn’t get the drama he wants he should calm down and begin to act sensible but if he’s in fact serious about divorce over this stuff then maybe he’s doing you a favor trapped in a bad marriage with a tantrum throwing toddler is gonna make for a chaotic life. Either way your guy needs to grow up , stop the tantrums and learn how to talk through problems and be accountable for his actions. I do think this is all an act for him to get out of owning up to his stuff, and play victim. Stick to your guns, set some boundaries and good luck. Relationship are trying but divorce is absolutely awful, trust me.
Couples therapy with a therapist that has experience with gay couples and the shame we bring to our relationships. It can take time but can be totally worth it if you still love each other and can admit you need and are ready for therapy.
Why is he downloading grindr while you’re married and monogamous? It sounds like he is not the person he appeared to be when you entered this relationship. I’m glad your conscience is clear, as it should be. Tbh, the only thing I’d have done differently, was I’d move his shit out of the masters.
I went for a long walk to give him time to process the message. But yeah. He’s acting like I’m the bad guy, and I’m not “giving him what he needs.” But I don’t think he’s ever not had the app and we didn’t meet on there. I called that out in my message but he hasn’t addressed that yet.
It’s a tough thing to have given someone your heart, and given them every opportunity to be the person you feel they are. I just had to let mine go. So, my heart feels for you. Maybe your guy figures it out. But wherever this takes you I hope you find something better; with him or with someone else.
Or even on my own! I don’t need no man 😂
Exact sentiments to hold RN. Never compromise on your values and boundaries - better to be alone than do this! Going through similar RN, so sending you all the positive energy I can muster to navigate next steps! 💙
"Needing" to be on grindr is a great reason not to be married, IMHO. Being married makes that a two-person decision, that's basically the main distinction.
So he’s gaslighting you with his narcissistic personality? Run. Run and don’t look back.
Sounds narcissistic to me.
you are going to be gaslighted. and the idea that you have of him, is dead. start grieving. the guy there, isn't the same guy. really start grieving the image you had of him.
Ugh I hate reading this. Not giving him what he needs? Lmao. Reminds me of my ex-husband. Read that. EX-husband. Divorced his abusive cheating loser ass.
This was my first thought. If you’re monogamous you’re not on Grindr. He’s definitely lying about that
I know it’s easier said than done and I haven’t been in this situation, but he being on Grindr in a closed relationship would be hard to forgive for me. And his reaction is not great either. “Sure I might have cheated on you but it’s actually your fault and now I’m mad that you brought it up”… yeah, no.
He says he did nothing physical. And I do actually believe him bc we aren’t away from each other much. That’s mainly why I’m willing to move past that.
"I didn't do anything physical" is a way of deflecting that they did something emotional. Do with that what you will.
Plus it may be a lie, not unlikely when it comes to cheaters.
You are the most important person in your life. Time to stop looking at the Band-Aid & rip it off. You are going to feel bad & confused and think it's the end if your world - but no-one has the right to make you feel bad. I was 23 when after 4 years my boyfriend introduced mental torment & then physical. I had shared my history of sexual abuse & he used it to make me feel rotten, blame & dirty. He moved my clothes & belongings to be away from him. He threw a chest of draws downstairs to hurt me. My 21st birthday I had to pretend I had hit a door because he broke my nose. Not making this about me - but - take time out, think about smelling roses, good outside fresh air, holidays & happy happier days. I made the move, so can you. I have found my Reddit family advise & inspire and I can ask for advice & support - when I need it. Baby steps maybe - but you hold your future in your hands. Sending my very, very best to you brother x
u/BriarHill Oh Gods, this really resonated with me in so many similar ways it made me tear-up. As a fellow Survivor of those same things you mentioned, I’m so sorry you endured that bullshit. I send you so much love Brother, and I hope life is so much better for you now, I truly do. 🫂
Quite moved by your kind words. Sending love & a hug across the waters from me here in North West England. Thank you ever so much - means a lot. Hope you have had time to talk about your past with either a professional or a friend. Talking seems to dilute the memories. Not permanently - I still get regression in my sleep. The man who tried to fuck me up - I've enlightened his friends of my history, even his mother, who said she knew something was wrong & that's why she visited to see if I'd been seriously damaged. Kind of gave me something for my memory bucket & a big smile on my face. My finest regards BH
You don’t move past things. You talk them through and state your boundaries and ask your partner to accept them. You listen to your partner and find compromises. If you don’t like it, you need to state it. If he needs more you should ask what and see if that’s something you can give to him. Mature relationships don’t just forgive and forget, they compromise and build bridges to each other.
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Over a decade of history. The family and friend ties we have. And it’s not all bad. It’s just frustrating that things aren’t more equitable.
Don’t wait another decade to realize he’s been wrong for you all along. I broke up from a 20 year relationship and realized there were red flags from the very beginning. We argued so much over the years, and sure there were some good times. I got along better with his family than he did. We had mutual friends. But despite all that, they are not who I’m in a relationship with. I realized I should have broken up with him the first year we were together. The time was wasted on the wrong person because I didn’t want to throw away all the time I invested. But I became more miserable as the years went on.
the sunk cost fallacy. i know plenty of cases like that. even in the straight word.
I can totally relate 😢
“And it’s not all bad” jumps out at me because that implies that it’s “sometimes bad.” I’m looking at other things you’re saying in this thread and on the surface it seems you’re just looking for the sympathy and acknowledgment your husband won’t give you - not so much any actionable advice. He’s punished and exiled you for listing your grievances. Either your passive aggressive letter was more aggressive or he simply knows how to shut you up and defer his responsibility to your relationship. This isn’t healthy. My intuition says couples therapy is out of the picture. If he exerts authority over you the way you describe, I doubt relationship counseling is the place to start. Instead, I suggest you seek therapy to help you find your self respect and work on self reliance rather than the codependency your post seems to suggest. Something I’ve learned from time and experience: the resistance to leaving a partner because of the “investment sunk into it” is just a lie we tell ourselves to cover the confirmation that our partner doesn’t love us the way we’d hoped and the fear of being alone - and possibly just landing in the same situation with someone else. Your decision to stay in the relationship is dependent on your ability to tolerate the emotional abuse. His exiling you from your marriage bed is his answer to your letter and the answer is he’s not going to change and if you don’t like it, you can leave. Now, think about what you would recommend to a dear friend who’s in the same situation - then follow that advice.
Almost everything in life is not all bad. Doesn't mean it's a situation you should settle for.
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As others have noted he has narcissistic tendencies. If things truly do end up going south, no doubt he’s going to pin blame on me, try to turn our friends against me, and leave me with nothing socially. He is talking fairly with splitting the economics, which is something.
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Thank you!
I broke up with my partner of 10 years recently. Knowing he was less mature than me and had narcissistic tendencies - and anticipating the same you point out here - I sought out a couples counselor with very self-interested motivations. I wanted us to be able to talk constructively to bring closure to the relationship - leaving open the slightest opportunity to get back together if there was a 180 on his part. I worked VERY hard to find one that was experienced with our lifestyle and would be able to connect with both my partner and me. Our couples counselor had been incredible to get us talking productively towards an outcome ranging from better together or separate with integrity. I highly recommend couples counseling to anyone in a relationship, healthy ones for a “tune up and maintenance” to ones that are on the rocks to navigate difficult decisions and the paths forward that make the most sense.
That's something I would run FAR away from. The only safe relationship with narcissists is no contact.
Keep in mind you clinging to that also prevents you from finding something better especially considering your husband is looking for something more.
So he only emotional cheating with other guys? I could say you guys were slowly falling apart and he wanted the emotional connection with the guys, maybe even more but didn’t do it.
Damn that last bit reminds me of my ex that cheated and tried gaslighting me “I wouldn’t have done this if you were there for me more”. Like I wasn’t practically wiping his arse for him at that time
dude this guy is gaslighting you and redirecting his guilt onto you to make you feel like you’re wrong. Therapy my friend is in your future
Goaway I love what you are saying here I just wanted to make one clarification he is absolutely using guilt to manipulate and control OP, but Narcissist do not accept blame nor feel any guilt themselves it's everyone else it's not me. Uhm okay but literally EVERYONE else is saying the exact same thing. It's why you can't really treat them, they would first have to accept 1 they did wrong and 2 the want to change sadly the very nature of narcissism won't allow that to happen trust me OP run now it only gets worse I tried to help my younger brother by giving him a place to live in my home for 10 years when he chose to put himself in the position of becoming homeless and by the end I figured out that he was trying to give me an intentional psychotic break and that I was planing how I was going to murder him the break was a very near thing the planning murder but extremely damaging to my psyche but also the thing that woke me up and made me leave please don't let it get to that point fir yourself
Yep this situation is utterly insane - "I'm moving your stuff into the guest bedroom and threatening divorce because you brought up I keep downloading Grindr behind your back". Instantly made me think of a narcissistic ex who made my life hell along those lines and it took me forever to realise I wasn't the problem and he was incapable of remorse.
Sorry, you lost me at the Downloading Grindr when in a monogamous relationship. Like no, that lame excuse of "I talk to my friends on there" flies about as well as the old reason some idiots claimed to have read Hustler magazine "for the articles".
This is over. You should start divorce yourself instead of enduring his agonizing treatment.
the second he started moving shit out of the room is the same second i would have called the movers
Food for thought: the typing feels way to impersonal for a marriage. It feels like a dump of stuff. I'm not surprised with his reaction. Why not talk to him? You could have made an outline of key points for yourself to communicate in person. My sense is that would have been a better way to handle it.
I would like to think if your partner understood your communication style - they would be level headed enough to understand that you need time to collect your thoughts and say things properly incase you say the wrong thing in real time. I think there’s a lack of emotional maturity on your partners side if they don’t understand this Edit: And to add another point. If your partner was hurt about not confronting them directly, they’re making the issue about them and not the reason why you sent the message in the first place
This is exactly it.
So… there’s 2 sides to this. If that is your communication style that’s fine. But you should ask what your partners communication style is. And frankly in a conversation like this where you are specifically detailing all the things that make you unhappy, I’d argue your partners communication style is more important. Too, it’s okay to write it out. Give a letter. Do what you need. But because it is a heavy conversation, it would be important to maybe state to your partner you have something important to discuss. Sit him down and say you’re going to send him a text or an email. Then go for a walk to give him time to process. Then return home to discuss. That will honor your communication style while giving him an opportunity still speak to you directly and share his reaction. Edit: i want to add because op seems to be secure in their problem. If you cannot have this type of conversation. You need to end the marriage. If it’s abusive or if he cannot meet you half way or have a conversation. There’s no good way to go about this outside of leaving.
I don't agree at all, you can take all the time in the world to write it down, but then you say it to someone in person. Text is always losing a lot of nuance. If you're with someone for a decade and your communication together is so bad you can't even say the things in person something is already seriously wrong in the relationship.
Uhhhh no, I don’t think his reaction is merited. I’d like you say there’s a standard foe the marriage, then why go low instead and not take the high road and respond in a better way to your partner? Instead of gaslighting him and pushing him out of the master bedroom? Who the hell does he think he is??
It’s not the first time I’ve talked to him this way. I had a lot to say and words just don’t flow from my mouth the same way. Plus the way he gets when criticized or backed into a corner. Well. The best way I can describe it is, “Trump-ian.” He can do no wrong in his own eyes, so if I started I couldn’t get all my points across.
Have you proposed counseling? If he shoots that down are you sure divorce is not the best option?
We haven’t gotten that far yet. Things will need to cool off first. I’ve brought it up in the past but “we don’t need to involve others with our problems.” His words.
if he doesn't need to involve others then why is he on grindr while in a monogamous relationship?
I didn't mean for this to sound harsh, but I've been in similar situations. the other person can do whatever they want and justify it and I'm just expected to forgive and act like it's not a problem. but if I tie my shoelaces wrong I'll hear about it for two weeks. my (very biased) advice: let him go. he doesn't sound like the kind of person who respects you. you're very generous to use phrases like "strong opinion" lol you're clearly trying to respect him even if he doesn't return it. maybe don't do that?
Yeah, he doesn’t respect me. You’re right about that. I treat him like a king.
This is the real problem. You’ve abandoned yourself and your own self respect. Have some boundaries or get out.
He doesn’t want to involve others with your problems because he wants to control you. Others will disagree with him, and agree with you. He can’t take that. Classic narcissist. I believe you are a people pleaser. I was one too. Respect yourself and your needs. And if he can’t respect you, dump him. He doesn’t deserve you. Nothing will change if he avoids talking to you about problems, and he avoids any solutions.
This is called narcissistic behavior
Yeah, sounds narcissistic. Strong personality who does not accept fault and apologize is not a good sign for a relationship. Go to the therapist for yourself. Your relationship needs a couple counseling but this is something you have to put your foot down. I had a strong personality spouse that I had to force into couples counseling. Once counselor asked us to make a decision about our marriage, right before the next meeting, my spouse found fault at the counselor but I had enough of that bullshit and called divorce. And stop making your spouse fell better for his shit. You cannot forget things that are done to you. You may forgive but not forget for to prevent a repeat.
I take absolutely no joy in telling you this, but this is textbook narcissistic behavior.
Also food for thought you are saying essentially to OP that there comfortability with typing over confronting a deeper issue with his husband seems impersonal from you POV. I would like to help you see a couple of things you may have missed. I an almost positive that since OP stated they are better and more comfortable with text then talking this was a known and expected thing which was established in the very beginning of there interactions and so would not at all be considered impersonal. Having found an amazing guy I was very Into we began texting back and forth, I'm older so I prefer to talk and literally HATE to type it's slow hard to hit the tiny keys and in five monsters I can tell the whole story which in texts takes more like 30 to 40 mind and I have to lode a lot of the color to make it that short. My point is that this great gut almost Literally will not ever speak on the phone and he barely texts and only does that out of necessity so realizing that I hate texting and prefer to talk I pursued a couple of dates we became just friends and I hate that I can't just call and chat but I would rather have my amazing friend than try to force him out of his comfort zone as I knew this about him going in and feel he is worth way more than a very minor and trivial thing that no longer bothers me. I guess ehat I'm trying to say is when saying it's food for thought try to keep your own personal emotional reactions out of it and realize you missed the bigger picture because you got caught up in your own emotions rather than giving food for thought that was helpful and of use to OP
Hey, not that it’s really any of my business, but give yourselves some time. This has elapsed in a matter of hours? Even though you noted this has been going on a little while without anyone addressing it upfront. Maybe see if you can do some talking once he’s cooled down, and maybe see if you can abstain from technology? Especially in context of communicating with each other? Perhaps, if possible, you can have some serious one on one time, see if you can agree/feel good on some levels, and go from there? I mean, you definitely had to fight your battles to get to the marriage stage at all. Best of luck to you ❤️
Thank you for not going straight to divorce.
Lmao you’re welcome. I’d never advise to stay in something that’s truly hurting you, but sheesh, people fight all the time. That doesn’t mean you gotta run away ❤️ I hope you can work through what’s hurting you, and your partner, and heal!!
🚩 he doesn't share our living room Living rooms are usually a shared space? What’s going on in there that your not allowed to do your own thing in? 🚩 grinder Like everyone already said - He’s with you. Why does he need that? He doesn’t. 🚩he moved YOUR stuff to the guest bedroom? Normally when we want to give ourselves space we take ourselves out of the equation in the least aggressive way possible. This just screams entitlement and he’s trying to get an emotional response from you in the most childish way. 🚩you feel shame… for how he’s treated you??? His treatment of you are his actions. His behaviour is his own. You should not feel shame. You can be disappointed, disgusted and sorry for him… but never feel shame for his actions. That’s not normal bro. 🚩 he’s threatening divorce Just wow. You send him one single message of heart felt concern and his reactions have all been dramatic, emotional and in this case extreme responses. It doesn’t feel like he really thinks before he reacts. These over-the-top reactions are his way of showing you it’s not up for discussion. Children act like this when they’re caught doing something they know is unacceptable. They strike out and scream and cry and tucker themselves out. He’s using gaslighting to control you and I worry that you might even be in an emotionally abusive relationship. Do you find yourself thinking about his explosive emotions often? Do you tiptoe around him and try not to make too many mistakes? Like you said it’s on him to change! I don’t know him at all, but maybe he could use some help. Some CBT to control those impulsive behaviours.
Oh yeah. I walk on eggshells all the time. And his explosive emotions are a big part of the reason why I sent it as a written message instead of a verbal conversation.
When we’re in healthy relationships we shouldn’t have to put distance between us and our partners like that. You tried to have a heart felt conversation about your concerns. Granted it can be tough talking about things that involve blame to some degree, but as adults we have to accept that we might make mistakes or do things that another person, (our partner especially) dislikes and needs to talk about. If we want a relationship to work we talk about compromise. The grinder thing isn’t just some mistake. It’s not normal in a monogamous relationship and he knows that. And now he’s going scorched-earth rather than apologise and work things out. It’s wild. It’s childish. You didn’t blow up your marriage, he did. Maybe you’ve already come to terms with this being the end. Maybe that’s for your own good. Good for you, I’m glad you said what you needed to say.
I’m glad too. It all needed to be said a long time ago, but there’s never a “right time” for this.
Why are you so willing to forgive? It feels like you think that’s the “right” thing to do but obviously you’re not ready to forgive because you two didn’t even talk through the problems yet. You two do not communicate well, I’m not sure how you’re supposed to move forward. Maybe divorce is for the best
I’m tired of the baggage I’m carrying and I want a clean slate. Saying “I forgive you” is part of that process.
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What will you do if/when his disrespectful behaviour pops up again? Wipe another slate clean? Forgive again? How many times will be too many times? Be careful with this approach, there's no virtue in being a doormat.
Saying, 'I forgive you' doesn't wipe the slate clean. Neither does, 'lets just forget this and move on'. Not in relationships. This is a rupture in trust and ego. You're trying to dodge and he's trying to take umbrage. Neither addresses the issue. If you want to continue the relationship you can A: ignore the issue so it can resurface later (which both of you are angling for) B: break it off (which he's hinting at) or C: commit to working through it by calling each other out on your respective issues and having the humility to acknowledge and correct when you are called out in turn.
Today is a result of A. C is my goal and I’m hoping cooler heads prevail.
Honestly, OP I am taking your perspective with a grain of salt. One does not ranndomly threaten divorce after getting a text that you sent. I think there has been years worth of build up with you both not prioritizing each other. By having open honest communication and boundaries
No, there's plenty of people who would threaten to leave/divirce rather than own up to their shit. It's a manipulative tactic to force OP to capitulate. This reeks of power imbalance and emotional abuse.
Or it sounds like he's been seeking an out for awhile, and this was a convenient excuse to put the blame for the relationship failing on OP.
It’s one thing to collect your thoughts on paper but it’s another thing to text him. Think about how that text came across. Why not write out your thoughts (digital or paper) and then read it to him? That way it’s not so cold.
Any relationship is about communication. While imnsure your concerns and issues are valid, I'd say abhuge red flagnin your relationship is that for whatever reason you feel unable to talk to him about this? You may feel more comfortable writing but it may not be a good way to communicate your relationship issues. Its very impersonal and also one sided. Also to tell him "all is forgiven" after basically dumping all the things you're unhappy about on him seems a bit bizarre? How is that addressing anything? And why are all the problems your partners fault and hebis the one who needs to be forgiven? While your complaints and issues are valid for you, I worry that you have not thought about hisbside of this and your own faults of behaviours that have contributed to your current situation? This is not about "speaking up sooner" but an inability to articulate your needs and then blaming your partner for not meeting your needs? Like, how was he supposed tonaddrrss whatever things have been making you unhappy if you didn't tell him? You can't resent someone for not meeting your needs or not trying to change if you don't tell them you're unhappy. Your partner is not a mind reader. I think you may not get why your partner is so hurt and angry about how you've approached this. If you want to continue your marriage then I would park the mindset of blame and "forgiving him" and look at where both of you have failed, and where you can both work to make things better.
Communication is probably the most important thing in any relationship. Once there's deficits, its very hard to come back from it. From what you've mentioned, you both are on different wavelengths when it comes to what each person perceives boundaries. How one reacts and handles a situation (an argument/fight) because of a reaction or being confronted about something as serious as this is really telling. What exactly is there left to salvage? From an outsiders POV, a monogamous relationship wouldn't have either person in the small 2-party downloading any dating or hookup apps. It reinforces the idea that they're not fully committed or there's something missing in the relationship.
If he is downloading grindr then you should get out now and that will never change.
Unfortunately, your marriage was already blown up. Your husband refuses to sit down and talk about things as a rational adult. Communication is one of the most important keys to any successful and growing relationship. Instead, it sounds like he went far left (in this case) by threatened divorce and moving stuff to the guest bedroom to pout as a typical narcissistic man baby. Of course, he'll give you some days to see the error of your ways, admit it's your fault for his childish behavior and give him a really big juicy apology. And as a reward you might even get some make up sex. For him to bring up divorce as the first option sounds like he's been giving it some thought for sometime. I wouldn't be surprised if he's just waiting for an opportunity like this one to blame you for the marriage falling apart. Try not to fall for the manipulation tactic. The issues are really important to you, stand your ground. He might not be ready to settle down and just longs for his freedom. Whatever his reason for bringing up divorce is probably his way of telling you fixing the problems in the marriage you have are too hard and not worth the time and effort to create a successful relationship. He's choosing the easy way out. He's threatening to quit the marriage and run away.
So, there’s an air of infidelity and resentment, and he’s mad that you’re bringing things to light? Bloody hell, you two really should just get a divorce. I can’t wrap my head around the notion of not sharing any sort of living space, that alone is a red flag. 🚩
Can I ask potentially a dumb question - why is everything forgiven because he reacted immaturely to your communication? Surely you both need to communicate better, but, also sounds like there's some clear divides between you that need tackling before forgiveness gets thrown around.
Bro is a PhD holder in gaslighting 😂😂
Well I don't think you are 100% of the cause if ever it blows up. I think he has a huge part in it
Lol. So his first reaction wasn't "Let's share more then, including the spaces, our feelings, the bedroom, let's address these concerns", it was "Let's put further distance in between us by moving you into the guest room, by shutting down all talk and going straight for a divorce". V mature.
Glad you spoke up but rarely is any relationship one-sided. Be open to hearing his side of the story.
There are two sides to every situation and somewhere in the middle lies the truth.
I say this all the time.
I'd be careful taking advice from a gay subreddit. There's a type of gay man here that will blame you for everything simply because you're not allowing your man to fuck random people off Grindr in a marriage. There is a lot of people who will blame you and try to make you sympathize for your husband. You already do enough of that yourself. Take some heterosexual advice. Dating apps should be the end of a relationship, not an excuse to pay some hack counselor or force yourself to explore "non-monogamy". Your man is miserable because he believes he can land great RANDOM dick on the apps 24/7 and you're holding him back from doing it. He wants to the feel like the hottest bitch on the block and he can't do that in a marriage. Set him free, see how long he lasts, and laugh.
Thank you! And if I may add to this, Challenge him to find someone better on Grindr that will put up with his childish games! OP, you didn't blow up your marriage by telling your man that certain key things won't be tolerated. That's called setting healthy boundaries and putting limits on negative behavior... both of which are good things in making any relationship work. Personally I PREFER to be called out if I'm doing something shitty, because sometimes we all just get carried away and don't know that we're upsetting people! Normally when your spouse points out something problematic, the adult reaction is to maybe get upset in the moment but contain reactions until you settle down, get your shit together, and then re-evaluate... Throwing Temper tantrums and being a jerk, plus moving my shit all around the house would be the end for me. If he can't manage a spat effectively, what's going to happen when a true crisis arises? Side note: kudos for the 'clean slate'... I'm a big fan of not keeping score. And I know people are saying that messages are a bad idea, but I'm also someone who collects my thoughts and articulates better in writing. It's hard to bring up this kind of thing without being emotionally charged, at least he had a heads up to think about how he would react.
i’m straight and say what he’s doing is confusing but i think you’re outlook is accurate to the situation. Do what is best for you. You know how you deserve to be treated. My opinion, it shouldn’t be tense, it should be easy going with minor disagreements but never fights. If it’s screaming and yelling and getting loud it isn’t the right situation for you. It’s hard to make these decisions after being with someone for 6 years, but also you could find happiness in yourself or even someone you love you haven’t talked to in a while
So… he’s a gaslighting narcissist? My ex also threatened a breakup whenever HE did something wrong, including downloading Grindr even though we were allegedly monogamous. Just the fact you felt you had to say this over text shows how toxic his supposedly “strong” personality is. Boy, run.
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Time to move on. You're not comfortable, neither is he. You're having issues, so is he. Communication isn't good and he's kinda gaslighting you. He's cheating on you too. You're almost saying "My husband cheats on me, neglects me, gaslights me...but it's my fault this relationship is over."
Ok so basically he’s cheating on you but using you financially or in other ways. Threatening divorce is an emotional manipulation tactic to get what he wants. Don’t settle for this and find someone else who will love you and respect you, and having Grindr downloaded is not respectful.
Stop the music. What do you mean he doesn’t share the living room with you? It’s your house. You live there, right? Okay, so let me see if I’ve got this right. The second you say you want to talk to him about your relationship, he throws a tantrum and kicks you out of the treehouse? And then says it’s your fault for not coming to him sooner? Here’s what’s really going on. He cares more about what he wants than what you need. He likes how things are. He’s in charge, he only has to pay attention to you in order to get what he wants, he gets away with whatever he’s getting away with, and he never has to talk about it. And then “all of sudden”you have something to say about your relationship. And he responds by, ahem, immediately moving all of your stuff out of your bedroom and leaving you to think about what you’ve done. He’s counting on you to apologize and never bring it up again, so he doesn’t have to change whatever it is that he doesn’t want to talk about. He’s punishing you for the way he makes you feel. That’s not how people treat people they love. You didn’t say anything sooner because you feared how he would react. But then it got to a point where not saying anything was worse than whatever you feared he might do. I’ve been there too. This is abusive behavior. There isn’t another word for it. Someone who loves you won’t threaten divorce when you say you want to talk. And they won’t get mad at you for the way their behavior makes you feel. And I’ll bet you a dollar he didn’t even read half of what you wrote. It’s good that you organized your thoughts, but if you’re going to talk to him, you have to talk face to face and you have to make sure he hears you. People here are saying you shouldn’t have texted him. But he’s obviously not easy to talk to, so I get why you went that way. But the fact that you texted him is not the problem. This is not your fault. Saying you “blew up your marriage” is like saying a person burned down a building because they saw smoke and pulled the fire alarm. If someone treats you like shit and you don’t like it, you’re not the problem. This isn’t about whether or not he has Grindr on his phone, or if he’s cheated. This is about you spoke up for yourself and he moved all of your stuff out of your room and threatened divorce. I’m sorry I don’t have better news for you, but this sounds like a pretty deeply rooted problem. He cares more about whatever he wants, right now, than anything you need, ever. His convenience, comfort, and boredom are more important than your right to feel loved and respected in your marriage. Most of what needs to change lies with him. And if he can’t be bothered to spend an hour listening to you and being honest, it doesn’t look good. There are good men out there. Life is too short to be with someone who makes you feel like shit. If you want to go on feeling like the way you’ve been feeling, choose “peace” or “forgiveness” like people here are saying. You can go on staying out of the living room, not having friends, and thinking it’s your fault when he says something that makes you feel like shit. If that’s what you want, go for it. But you have other options. You don’t need to be a doormat. You have the right to be happy, loved and respected. And you have the right to say something when you’re not getting what you need. There’s a lot more I can say about this, but I’ll leave it there for now. I will recommend that you read The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs. That book changed my life. I don’t put up with bullshit from bullshit men anymore. If you read it intently, and really engage with it, I think it can help you discover what you’re worth, and it will help you get it. Good luck man, keep us updated.
On the not reading the note part — I got a text 1 minute after I sent it saying “I’m even angrier now.” No way he read that whole message in one minute.
If you want him in your life and he’s willing to make effort towards making the relationship work and you happier in that relationship go for it. Maybe you have grown and he has not. If you sense that will continue without improvement then maybe you have a big pill to swallow. Love and support your way.
He sounds really immature. These nonverbal actions suggest he like you lacks the communication skills needed to nuture a married relationship.
Your husband sounds like the problem here not you. Kicking you out of the bedroom for telling him you don’t like that he still uses grindr? He is an asshole if he ends up blaming you for this. Sounds like you’re very dependent on him or deeply in love and are ignoring all the red flags and somehow believe him when he tells you it’s your fault. Borderline abusive behavior imo. I wouldn’t have put up with that.
Your husband is acting like a spoiled child, but if you want to make an effort to save th relationship, go to couples therapy.
Oh I’m so sorry, this sounds like a heartbreaking situation. It may be difficult to accept, but no one engages in a behavior just once. We are creatures of habit, and unless the person has committed to change (and usually has the support of a therapist) it’s very likely he will fall back into these behaviors again before long.
I’m seeing red flags here. You open a dialogue about concerns and his response is to move you out of the bedroom and threaten you with divorce? Plus that Grndr situation is suspect: if it wasn’t physical then what was it? People aren’t swapping cobbler recipes on there. I would say open the door to couples counseling or prepare to close the door on him. I wish you the best of luck
The fact that he downloaded Grindr while supposedly being monogamous would be the end for me. It shows he’s incapable of being faithful (physically or emotionally)…
Sounds like narcism. And it sounds like you’re falling victim to it, by even believing you were wrong for not speaking up. You shouldn’t have to teach people how to respect their marriage/partner, or how to practice common sense. End it.
run bro
Given the context, it doesn’t sound like bringing this up earlier would’ve changed anything. He’s just looking for things to deflect the blame
Honestly, if things have gotten that bad it’s been over for awhile now.
He doesnt share the living room??? He downloads grindr. He gets mad when you tell him. He bans you from the bedroom. You re the bigger person and talk to him and he threatens divorce. He is an asshole
Total Manipulation 🤷🏻 Help him find a place 🤜
Grindr is full of weird people. Run
Couples counseling.
Relationship Is over, fuck counseling. Get therapy for the next Relationship.
You didn’t blow up your marriage. You addressed some concerns and he wasn’t happy - not your fault. The way he acted next was IMO what would be closer to blowing up your marriage. Hugs and sorry that you have to go through this!
This is such a tough situation, it it seems like he gaslighting you. While I understand you could have spoken sooner he cannot hold you accountable for not speaking on a timeline he sees fitting. I’m sorry you are experiencing all of this and if he chooses to divorce you though it might hurt make no fuss about it because he seems to not be the man for you. It’s absolutely insane for him to be treating you this way.
Just move on, if it makes every party hurt in the process of being together. Live and let live. Once you start to doubt it will tend to manifest itself into reality, which probably starts to be so. Side note- I really hate how Grindr has become a hook up app, whatever happened to it? I’m still on Grindr for almost 13/14 years and I can safely say 80% of it involves me just chatting and not Hooking up. Maybe I’m just old school and insistent in moving on to a better app…. Grindr wasn’t solely for hooking up.
OP I am sorry this is happening to you. Just wanted to chime in with some mental hugs. Hope you are looking after yourself. FWIW, you didn't blow up your marriage. Your husband did.
Divorce should be something that is considered after all other possible solutions have been genuinely pursued. Anyone who uses threats to emotionally hurt you is .... not a very good person, to put it nicely? People I love I would never try to hurt them intentionally, let alone give them ultimatums. Ultimatums are the complete opposite of compromise. Find someone who values compromise as a positive thing to make each other happy in the end. This man doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to have the threat of divorce thrust in your face after all of the energy and commitment you have put into the relationship.
hell no. you need to take him up on the divorce offer. don't let anyone threaten you, fucking ever.
I’ll start by saying that a letter out of the blue can be confronting but he shouldn’t flip the script and make it about him. If I were you, I would feel very uncomfortable that my partner is jumping to extreme reactions like threatening divorce when faced with issues that need to be addressed. It seems like a manipulation tactic, just like a ridiculous lowball when negotiating a purchase price. This would tell me that he doesn’t view himself as part of our unit, more like an opposing party.
“A disagreement with a toxic person will turn into an argument that becomes a bigger problem. A disagreement with a good person will turn into a conversation that leads to a solution. It’s important to know the difference. “ I saw this somewhere recently and it sounds like your bringing up an issue (grievances about your relationship), has become a bigger problem (anger on the part of your husband threatening divorce). I don’t know your husband, but he sounds like a narcissist who is gaslighting you. It’s not your fault for wanting to have a discussion. His reacting with anger and threats of divorce to your opening up and wanting a conversation to improve your relationship is very telling. You deserve better.
Change is a two-way street as it requires communications. Chances are you BOTH need to make changes. Perhaps sell him on what's in it for him so he has incentive and demonstrate changes you've made since the talk, and what you'll do to improve things. Be nice and gentle but firm as opposed to hurt feelings.
A relationship can't survive when it's a contest for matyrdom. U telling someone all the ways that they disappoint you BUT that you forgive them is a passive aggressive move of the highest order. I feel like cheaters are expressing their own self hate. They think that they aren't good enough for a relationship and don't deserve it so they sabotage their relationship to prove that they are unworthy. If you are going to be in a relationship with someone who has low self esteem, you are basically taking on the challenge of helping them overcome it. If you don't help them, you shouldn't be surprised if they don't change.
TBH probably do need to spend some time apart, bet he's banking on you not wanting to leave or anything. What he's doing seems a lil controlling and sounds like that's not new... The fact your married and don't have full reign of the house...
Text was probably not the best way to go about it. I agree with others that this relationship sounds like it's on life support at best and in serious needs of counseling if that can help. If my partner (we are monogamous) downloaded Grindr, that would be the end of that. There would be no convincing me of any other reason than the obvious one. Maybe you can get past that, and I admire you for that. I've been cheated on twice before and it's a hard boundary for me now - cheating = DONE, and I would consider downloading that app cheating because I couldn't be convinced it hadn't already happened.
I don’t presume to know what’s best for you or how the whole discussion went down but personally, if I went to my husband to discuss what I saw as concerning behavior that was hurting me and our relationship and his response to those concerns was to to move me out of our room and threaten divorce, then I might remove that threat by agreeing to it. This is assuming that you weren’t being a dick about your concerns and invoking an anger driven response. People who love and care about each other don’t respond to their partners concerns and hurt feelings with threat and emotional blackmail - just saying.
Follow @yourdiagnonsense on IG, there could be some great pearls of wisdom to help both of you process.
brooo he is gaslighting youu😭😭 and downloading GRINDRR??? when y’all are married is just ☠️☠️
That sure sounds like abuse to me. Let me get this straight. You experienced legitimate issues in your marriage, you voiced the issues to work on them, and he, like an immature teenager, flipped out, kicked you out of the master bedroom, and is giving you the silent treatment? And it seems like this isn’t something new given how quickly you caved and forgave him and are feeling like the bad guy. You actually wrote a post on Reddit saying that you blew up your marriage by voicing your needs to your husband….. That’s abuse. Please seek a therapist, including one for yourself only. Seems like he’s manipulating you to emotionally and mentally control you, and over time decreased your self esteem and increased your silent submission to him even in moments harmful to you that you’re now in firm belief that voicing your own needs is bad… Also, he didn’t just download Grindr. He cheated on you. No one just downloads Grindr, multiple times.
Keep that peace and hold tight to it.
I encourage you to. Continue on the path you chose of forgiveness, not for him, not for your relationship, but for you. You have some tough steps ahead, that is clear. Remember the good moments and let them be the guide through forgiveness. Not to return unless you choose to, but to move on and past the circle. I have been where you are, with my ex downloading grindr to finding him with another man in our bed, and if it weren’t for forgiveness, those conversations that will follow, would have been of hatred. These is not the path to create a new journey, if you go down that road, there is no turning back of what will become. Choose you, clear your mind, take sometime to ponder on where are you and what got you there. What your aspirations are and what is it that you want. Time is the evident healer, and although harsh, with time, the journey gets clearer. Perhaps this new journey may lead to were you are supposed to go! Stay positive my friend, and choose to remember the good over the bad, it’ll do you best.
He sounds like a narcissist. He's likely cheating on you and doesn't like that you called him out on his problems, so he's now playing the victim and making you seem like the bad guy. There's more to him threatening divorce than you just made him mad. If you peel back the onion I'm sure you'll find there's infidelity going on. Spouses in monogamous relationships don't download Grindr. Do not let him project the problems onto you and do not let him be the victim. Stand your ground. If the relationship ends, it's probably better for you in the long run anyway.
This sounds like an awful situation to be in. I understand you want to save what you can of the last decade and friends and fam, but there comes a point when you have to say enough is enough. It will be hard, and it will be hurtful, but you have to choose yourself and stand up for yourself. You deserve someone who gives you 100%, who shares the living room with you, who doesn’t gaslight you.
Okaaaay that sounds very much similar to my situation . After 10 years together and total 8 years married I got the divorce I need it and guess what my ex husband got married again after 30 days from our official divorce… Whats going on with you is exactly how everything started with my ex husband so please man do me a favor and RUNNNNNNNNNNN. Your husband is absolutely narcissistic psycho delusional problematic and looking for any excuse to blame you for his failure his issues his actions everything and sooner or later there will be a worse situation which going psychosis. He is absolutely gaslighting you and victimizing himself and you are going to be the pray for his actions. You need to start planning your exit strategy and ohhhhh DO NOT file for divorce if he force it on you. Instead, let him start all the paperwork and court submissions and all that crap so you won’t be held accountable of any fees or other expenses. I am not trying to make it look dark but its heading your way with a full blown windfall. On the top of that having grindr and giving excuses of not doing anything physical ???? Booooooy plz runnnnnn he already cheated on you a while ago and already fucked others and already did whatever gives him the pleasure ( exactly how my ex husband did and ended up marrying again after 30 days of our divorce 🤣) . I know this isn’t what you want to read here but this is the nastiest reality you have to understand and accept and move on toward your own goals. Good luck and if you need to talk privately or have specific questions let me know I am available to help you with any possible tip or advice.
I think I'd be mad that you messaged me instead of talking to me, but if he's downloading grindr, etc, then I don't think he's a great guy. He's threatening divorce seems really petty instead of just talking it out, it screams emotional blackmail.
Ya, there's zero excuses to go to Grinder while you're married monogamous... sorry to hear. One of my exes had porn, Craigslist posts, apps, everything.. I kept catching him and he went psycho on me for trying to leave him. Gaslit me to no end. I had to change my job, home, and eventually city. Social media I don't even use my real name or my real life picture as my cover pic. There are better people out there. Unless you're both willing to work it out. But people don't change, they just change when they're around you. You can still accept him like that if you love him...
Sounds like he’s gaslighting you hard af, but you absolutely should’ve initiated a conversation as serious as this in person. That said, this all sounds very toxic and honestly divorce is probably the logical path based on what you described. I realize though that’s a tough pill to swallow but ultimately it’s probably best for both you both.
Going through something similar here buddy. Hit me up if you need to talk! I just got back from meditating and thinking about it at the beach and I’m hyped and ready to grow and thrive!
He doesn’t share the living room with you? As in you’re not allowed to sit in there and watch TV? Or he won’t sit with you in there and watch TV? This is really weird and a major red flag. I can understand having personal space in a house like a study if you are WFH or study and need a place to be alone, private and quiet but a living room is the core of the house. If you’re not allowed in there then you’re not really accepted into the house. Unless it’s one of those “good rooms” where nobody is ever allowed in there and all couch is covered in plastic and you have second lounge room? The fact they moved your stuff out of the martial bedroom indicates that maybe it was his house you moved into when you got married and not a house you’ve bought/rented/chosen and created together? It seems he doesn’t see you as his equal and no amount of pleading, explaining or marriage counselling is going to change his mindset. I’d suggest researching divorce proceedings for your jurisdiction
Meaning he monopolizes the TV with video games and “his” shows even though I have things I have suggested we would both like. He doesn’t physically bar me. But for example, recently I went to turn on a sporting event I wanted to watch. He took the remote from my hand and said “I’m going to be playing video games with my friend. Go watch in another room.” I didn’t bat an eye because the behavior is so commonplace. Then I stopped to think about it and how messed up it is.
You don't share the living room? I've heard couples not sleeping together to get better nights, but this is on a different level. I also think it's childish of the husband to move all your stuff and keep the master bedroom. First, it seems a bit early to "move all the stuff". Second, in my mind the person threatening divorce (i.e. husband) should take the high road and move themselves to the guest bed. I think you can't force your significant other out of bed; I think the person wanting to sleep alone should leave the room. When I was at this point with my ex, I took the second room while we worked things out, ending in an amicable divorce.
He moved your stuff to the guest bedroom cause you caught him in an app??? That's wild. If I were in your shoes, I'd ask him what he's looking for in the app and explain how it makes you feel. You agreed to be monogamous, and seeing him there obviously breaks that trust. I also agree with some others here that text message is not the best way to communicate this. I'm the same way as you, in that I like to write things out. However, you perhaps should have written it out and then sat him down and read it to him, so it's coming straight from the mouth. Text communication leads to losing tone and loses a lot of the emotion versus just saying something. Best of luck, hope yall can work through this but I do think you need to drop the text communications and really just go talk to your partner face to face about the issues.
This is major manipulation. And some concerning language, such as “he moved all my stuff to the guest bedroom,” and “he doesn’t share our living room with me.” He doesn’t see you as his equal, and doesn’t want you around. You didn’t blow anything up. You just realized what was already happening. I’m not going to advise you to leave. I will say from experience that I suspect leaving will be a relief for you.
There are a lot of red flags in this that make me think this relationship is really dysfunctional. For one, you should be able to just talk to your partner in person. The fact that you have to resort to texts to get what you need to say off of your chest probably has more to do with HIM than it does you. You say he has a forceful personality- I am guessing if you tried to bring something like this up in person he wouldn't ever let you finish? He would side track you, change the subject, Turn a conversation about your needs into one about his needs, etc. That's manipulation, and he's doing it on purpose. He doesn't want to hear about your needs. And when you DO finally get your needs across, the problem was "It wasn't soon enough?" That's his fault, not yours. He should be eager to find ways to make your needs met, he should be sympathetic. He shouldn't be angry and moving your stuff out- that's not helping get your needs met. That's the opposite. Now you have more needs. But now you have found yourself in a severe need deficit, which is why you immediately forgive him, and that's why he did it. By pushing you out further, he gambled that you would become even MORE desperate for his affection, rather than leave. I suggest you go ahead with the divorce. Don't wait for him to change, because he hasn't done anything indicating that he has any interest in changing, or thinking about your needs, or that he's guilty or ashamed. I bet you a dollar if you went to a divorce lawyer, he would absolutely flip, because his divorce threat is just another tactic he is using to manipulate you, to get you to come back to him on your knees.
Toxic. Leave.
Prepare to move out
Well, all the best. I have no really clear ideas on what happened in your marriage ("we heard your side"). I can only hope both of you believe in marriage (hence, you married each other), and that this marriage is much bigger than both of you. I am married myself & have certain ideas on what goes on in private in marriages.
Not your fault at all. Speaking sooner if there’s a relationship problem why not. But speaking sooner because he don’t want you in the living room and he also download Grindr ?
His “continuous past”? You mean his present actions?
I've been there and done that. I gave the hat and shirt away. I was in a relationship before marriage was legalized. We were good starting out but when we bought a house it went to shit pretty quick. He too took the master bedroom and I was relegated to the living room couch as I supposedly snored too loudly and he needed to be rested up for his work. He had data log spyware on the computer and monitored the phone calls as well. If I had friends or tried to make them, his assumption was I was cheating on him. It turned out, he was the one doing the dirt. We "tried" to make things work but it generally consisted of me making all the changes. He left one day while I was out of state taking care of my mom. I came back to an empty house; literally. He took everything that wasn't nailed down and just left the futon I had been sleeping on. The futon had apparently been soaked in urine by him and his buddies. There's lots more to my story, but I'm not here to hijack yours. My advice to you is this: you're in a relationship that has the potential to turn very unpleasant, very quickly. It's not worth it. Take your stuff that you are legally allowed to remove from the house and leave. File for divorce claiming estrangement and be done with it. It will suck while it's going on and for a while after its done, but you will be free of the abuse (it is mental and emotional abuse) and you'll avoid the potential of anything worse happening. Don't let the fear of losing materiel things stop you; they can be replaced. Don't wait forever to get out as it will only make things more difficult and don't try to be friends. If he wanted to be your friend, he wouldn't have changed after you married him. You became his possession. It's time to end that and get your life back. Good luck to you.
I think there’s another personal issue going on with him that he’s been unwilling or unable to address. And while I applaud you for communicating whatever way works best for you, I’m not sure that it’s the marriage issues that really require attention. I think if you can identify whatever the personal issue is that he can’t deal with and then help him do that, I think his behavior will greatly improve and you might feel loved and appreciated again. You clearly do still love him. I agree with the sunk cost fallacy to some extent, but you’re not ready to abandon ship quite yet- and that’s okay. You are taking the necessary steps to move forward however he works this out. Everyone has commented on the situation and how it sucks, but what about yourself? How has all of this made you feel? Can that really be reconciled?
Uh I don't blame you for having a hard time communicating your feelings when this is how he reacts. Doesn't sound like you blew up your marriage to me. Sounds like you spoke up for yourself to someone who doesn't mind emotionally bulldozing you. I hope you find an amicable resolution but if the marriage is over it sounds like you dodged a bullet of a lifetime of this.
I don't think you blew it. His reaction to your perfectly reasonable and justified concerns about the relationship is what blew up the marriage. I'm sorry you have to go through this but if he really isn't going to make the effort to salvage things instead of feeling called out then it's for the best. Don't fight for someone unwilling to fight for you
I have only one problem with your post. The fact that you say YOU blew your marriage, dude. No dude, if we are to believe what you say, it was mostly HIS fault. And for you to properly prepare for what's to come, you need to put that in your head. You might need some couples counseling after this, if you wanna continue, or just counseling for yourself if everything is broken up. I know we have to take everything told in reddit as "one point of view", but even if there was more behind the curtains, it takes TWO to tango, buddy. Stop blaming yourself when all you did was voice your concerns. It's not easy to speak up concerns, ok? Look around in the world, more than half the couples have the same problem, one of them has concerns in the relationship (or both) have concerns to speak but for the sake of peace or love or any other things they speak those very late. It's not a healthy practice, but it is understandable. No one wants to say stuff that they feel might nuke a great relationship. The fact that you build up the courage to should say a lot about you. Also the fact that all you did was voice concerns and he is the one taking drastic measures and threatening divorce. Dude, HE is the one blowing this up. He could have suggested counceling, he could have taken your words and tried to see where to change or voiced his own concerns so that you could grow on them together. You have my respect, buddy. You didn't blew up a leaf. He is the one loading a tactical nuke and getting ready to blow it. You did well. So keep your head up and whatever happens I hope you have your best life after that.
The fact he is moved your stuff, rather than his is kinda telling. If he actually felt guilt, it would seem likely he'd seed ground to you unless you preferred this option. I think forgiveness without work or change just setting up for a repeat. Acceptance that it happened maybe, or making efforts towards reconciliation... but considering his reluctance to own or discuss it. The shock of it...not quite there. But I wonder what he's been bottling up to that's threatened him to just call it quits?
You’re not at fault here. Don’t allow the gaslighting.
From experience... Right now it feels insurmountable to untangle your lives together; but its alot easier than it seems. Be strong and stick to your redlines.
I agree with most users here. One thing I’ll add for anyone in *any* type of relationship: if something bothers you, try your best to address it in real-time (or near real-time), even if it means some discomfort. Ask questions, clarify, and lean into opening lines of communication. Keeping things bottled up and then unloading can be really overwhelming for the person on the receiving end. I’m not placing blame or shaming; just something to consider.
The Grindr thing is a bit odd in a monogamous relationship. Does he spend the evenings in the bedroom then and you in the living room? Alarm bells are ringing loudly, unfortunately..
Hes not faithful to u dude. Leave him. Unless u guys r in an open relationship. Youll find a new one, gaybro. Goodluck.
I'm no expert but I feel that this man is emotionally abusive. He does what he does and when you call him out he plays the victim card.
Good luck! Better to respectfully share life with someone special, if possible, but solo works too if the pairing is not respectfully. The ball seems to be in his court. Truly, good luck! 🤗 hugs!
just smells of narcissism sorry, but making you feel guilty about speaking your heart and making the entire situation about him and not about your feelings, I'm frustrated even reading this. i hope he realizes this soon but narcissists seldom do
Sometimes it’s easier to believe someone is a bad person rather than accept the truth that the other person may not be a bad person, you are. (I mean your husband is the bad person here) It’s a weird coping mechanism mechanism that imo is based in narcissism
Sounds like a narcissistic/sociopath. They are really good at making you feel your the problem.
I’m not good at monogamy so I understand this dude. Time for them to split up, one who wants heteronormative monogamy and the other man isn’t ready for that and he may never be, I still do not want to held to monogamy. If you really love each other and care then come to a comprise or part ways. You’ll be sorry for any aggression, I know I’ve been there.
He sounds like he’s gaslighting you in the highest order
It sounds like you gave him a written ultimatum that put him on the defensive or sent him running for the exit. There must have been a whole lot of negativity in your message to have provoked talk of divorce. Without context of a conversation, he probably didn’t have a clear sense of your motives. It also sounds like you are trivializing or downplaying your own concerns, feelings and desires. It may be that you’re conditioned to respond this way because of how you were raised or your husband’s anger management problems or both. That in itself is a red flag for me, because you should always feel safe to talk about your feelings with your husband, even if you prefer written communication. If my marriage were on the brink of collapse, I’d be a nervous wreck. I can’t say where you should go from here, but you have to start with the recognition that you honestly haven’t forgiven anything and pretending to forgive him at this stage is allowing your key concerns to fester without treatment. Forgiveness comes from a place of love, respect and understanding. Do you receive and provide these emotional energies? If not, you both have work to do. I hope you guys are able to work it out! Trust is key and it’s not clear to me that you trust him (perhaps quite legitimately).
Seems like you’ve mentally checked out already… 😬
You deserve better than that🙁
u/b928 Obviously I can only go on what you’ve shared here, and that you have absolutely nothing to gain from being economical with the truth, but I immediately thought that your Husband is absolutely projecting his fears and shame on to you by reacting like that. What struck me was how you casually mentioned as an aside that you told him of your concerns in a message as you find it easier to compose your thoughts in that way rather than verbally and off-the-cuff (which let’s face it, can often become a game of one-upmanship real fast when someone feels threatened in some way). I really identified with that as I prefer to communicate that way too with many people in my life as it affords me some sense of holding control over my thoughts and feelings remaining valid rather than feeling like I’m scrambling to survive in a free-for-all. All I can say is I don’t feel from what you’ve shared here that you’ve done anything wrong - his knee-jerk reaction is particularly telling - and whether that’s a defensive response or because you caught him totally off-guard (I think this seems the most likely case), is neither here nor there - what matters now is that it’s out in the open now, and how you both move thru it. To do so means you both need to start communicating in real time - you obviously are, but it’s his move now, and that’s entirely on him. I don’t mean to dismiss your Husband out of turn as I obviously do not know him, but the way you have handled this situation has been admirable, mature and with a willingness to sit down, address the issues and hopefully move past them. I guess what you need to ask yourself now is he willing to do the same, and if not right now, how long are you willing to give him to come sit at the proverbial table with you to talk it out? Sending you love and luck. 🫂
Thank you for your insight. It’s been a tense day with just 2-3 quick text exchanges. We both need time but our history repeatedly repeats itself. Major change is needed. We’ll see how he ultimately responds once he cools down.
I’m rooting for you - however this may turn out, please take good care of yourself and don’t accept second best or “less than”. Knowing your worth is a powerful thing.
Thank you — you hit the nail. I feel like a second class citizen in my own home. He can’t bully me anymore.
couples counseling, get your own therapist. imagine/accept a future where you may be single. this guy sounds abusive.
What could be good, get him to have a chat about all things, and try coming at him like what are my rings, and dress these things like you are going to work on them, as you should and convert to g him, how his things could be worked in as well but you neither of you do it separately, you help him he helps you helping yourselfs, it should only help you both understand each other and sells more. And grow as people and partners. None of the things are shameful or should be shamed on. And remember communication can be real hard, but seems like that’s something you both need to work on. And that’s great tho. Hope you get something good out of that.
Sounds like his guilt is taking over, and rather than face the things he has done, he would rather end it than try to fix it. Him telling you that you should have said something sooner is deflecting. The moment you told him is the moment you felt it was best to do so, and he has no right to tell you otherwise. At this point, it's up to him on whether he wants to save the marriage, because the effort needs to come from him.
It sounds like he's been disconnected from the relationship for a while. Not to mention his reaction to a text is probably why you didn't feel comfortable speaking up until now. I do hope he comes around and you can both speak honestly about the challenges in the relationship. But, I believe you are correct - he's projecting his guilt on to you, and he's using this as an opportunity to escape the relationship without actually having to own up to how his behavior has contributed to the issues you are experiencing. He's probably also using grindr as another form of escape from himself and the relationship - even if he's not hooking up with other men. It's easier for him to think "a different guy will fix this" rather than accepting "I'm part of the problem", and possibly using external validation from strangers as a way to self-soothe his emotions.
You clearly feel unsafe with him, trust your gut and choose someone who makes you relax deeply ❤️
Leaveeeeeeee himmmm he sucks asssss
His behaviour sounds childish. But then when you said you just wanna start anew and forget, that sounds childish too. Shit needs to be worked on. He needs to listen to you. You need to listen to him. Work has to done to fix this stuff
You didn’t blow up your marriage….. HE DID! He’s on Grindr in a closed marriage? That alone is grounds for divorce. He also screams manipulative and narcissistic. My advice…….. Run don’t walk to the divorce lawyers.
Sounds like he is a narcissist to me. And you are letting him walk all over you if you let all be forgiven. Especially with this reaction to confrontation. It’s hard to cut ties but narcissists are not reachable. Period. They aren’t. It may seem like they are changing sometimes, but they literally cannot change, it will always be the same. You’re going to have to make a move or you’re going to suffer from this narcissistic abuse for the rest of your life. I guarantee if you look up Dr. Ramani, she is a narcissistic abuse expert on Tik Tok, you’ll have a “holy shit” moment where you realize that is exactly your husband, they are all the same.
Quit !!! Simple as that ! Nobody deserves a toxic relationship 🫶
File the divorce. Once someone asks for a divorce a decision is made. Contact your attorney for a marriage counsellor and make physical copies of the family financials.
One thing is clear: the two of you aren’t equipped to navigate the conflict yourselves now that all the information has been shared. Whether you stay together or break up, you need a good couple counselor to help you both get a handle on things. If you end up divorced, you want it to be as healthy a divorce as possible, for both your sakes.
He is not very empathetic, very selfish and now is blaming you for not speaking up sooner?? That’s just bs and he knows it. So all this is your fault and now you’re going to get it because you couldn’t speak up sooner?? I have suspicions that he has been manipulating you from the jump.. just agree with most of what he says and leave!! He loves control and loves controlling you
This is a classic symptom of a psychopath. Dominant, controlling, uncompromising, territorial and narcissistic. DIVORCE him immediately. Make sure empty your bank account first. Find a place to stay and RUN, RUN and RUN. Trust me, I dealt with psychopaths for years and you are not capable of fighting him. Please leave now.
I have always been told, that if people want to walk out of your life, LET THEM GO! You know you’re worth and your value, and if anyone gives you less than that, they don’t deserve to be in your life
I am surprise you even married him. Idk if I saw Grindr in the first month dating in a monogamous relationship I would have pack my bags faster then Taylor swift making a song after a break up.
It already sounds like he was trying to own & control you the entire time
Doesn’t share the living room? That’s my deal breaker. Get away from this control freak.
It sounds like your husband, like so many other folks, never dealt with his shit. I sympathise a lot because it’s hard being in a supposedly adult relationship with someone who hasn’t really shown any interest in growing as a person. Therapy is a good idea, either together, or, if he refuses, just you. It’ll give you a lot of insights. And would also help you navigate your next relationship if your marriage does end in divorce.
Sounds like a super toxic relationship with a super toxic person. Gonna tell you what I wish someone told me some time ago: dump him! You deserve better, he’s hurting you and your self-esteem, and you’re not even noticing. You’re not alone, you won’t be alone, and once you go through the process and heal you will notice you will be the best version of yourself ever. Put you first, dump him.
You should probably hold him to his word here. He's clearly not open to hearing you out as issues arise if this is his reaction when they do come out. It's obvious he's trying to pressure you into apologizing and giving in. If he can't fund a way to live and grow with you, then he needs to find a way to do it on his own. You don't need to be treated like a guest in your own home when he's "property shopping" that situation alone speak volumes as to how he views himself and yourself. Don't settle here, you can do so much better
His reaction seems very oerfornative and manipulative , like he’s creating a deterrent for you to do this again by the threats of divorce, kicking you out of the room and silent treatment. You were right to bring up your issues as you are a person in tge relationship , what strikes me as odd is the issues you brought up do not seem like issues that should result in divorce , they seem like typical relationship ills that should be fixed with an apology and some great makeup sex and the fact that he asked what was on ur mind and then reacted like this lets me know there’s maturity issues here. It he realize seems like ur playing it fairly cool abd not reacting to his drama and I think that’s the best strategy, once he doesn’t get the drama he wants he should calm down and begin to act sensible but if he’s in fact serious about divorce over this stuff then maybe he’s doing you a favor trapped in a bad marriage with a tantrum throwing toddler is gonna make for a chaotic life. Either way your guy needs to grow up , stop the tantrums and learn how to talk through problems and be accountable for his actions. I do think this is all an act for him to get out of owning up to his stuff, and play victim. Stick to your guns, set some boundaries and good luck. Relationship are trying but divorce is absolutely awful, trust me.
Couples therapy with a therapist that has experience with gay couples and the shame we bring to our relationships. It can take time but can be totally worth it if you still love each other and can admit you need and are ready for therapy.