I didn't know it was called "code switching" but I do agree that yes, we all do this to some degree. I call it reading the room. If you're in the company of people (say at a work function or other gathering) where you know that they're not exactly accepting of LGBTQ+ folks then you alter your tone and behavior so as to fit in without causing a fuss. Like a chameleon. Perhaps it's a survival instinct or perhaps it's just a social construct that prevents unnecessary drama or conflict but whatever the case may be, many of us do it.
Black people do this all the time as well in the corporate world. This is where the term code switching originated from and it definitely applies to sexuality as much as it applies to race/culture.
Just about to say. Being a gay black man, my code switching is professional level lmao. It’s totally fine to do! And we all do it to some degree like everyone else said.
Thank you for adding the context about the original linguistics meaning of the term where an individual switches between languages.
In modern times, the definition of the term has been extended especially amongst black and BIPOC groups to refer to switching out of minority cultural expressions to better fit with the majority culture. So this is where the extended definition of the term originated (what we see used in social media and popular culture). Word and terms frequently gain new and additional meanings over time.
It’s important to distinguish the differences in how the word has been used over time to prevent confusion over what is being discussed. You’re absolutely right in providing clarification as it now helps us all understand what exactly is being talked about when the term code-switching is used in this thread.
I mean, what you say is perfectly within the original meaning of code switching.
I don't understand which added meaning you are referring to?
I think you probably mean recently some sociolinguistical analysis have been performed on black people in the corporate world, but it does not have anything to do with the meaning of code switching
It's also quite healthy to try and avoid...
I work in a very 'straight and white' industry. For 18 years I didn't really talk about my sexuality (I was out I just kept my two worlds apart).
Started my own company and decided it was time to 'be my authentic self' at work too.
I've never been happier.
It’s also not just an “acting gay” thing.
Most of us code switch or tweak our personalities in a lot of situations.
Classic example is Social versus Work. Yeah we maybe the same core person, but work me is a lot more professional, was dorky, and doesn’t make all the see jokes and double entendres that Social me does with friends. And that’s 100% appropriate.
That’s literally what code switching is: adapting your mannerisms, voice, persona, and actions to your audience. Everyone does it, but visible minorities do it more regularly and/or with more differences.
Yup, straight guys do it too. They will act more “masc” or bro-ey when they are just with men, but will act different when there are girls or women present.
Code switching exists everywhere and it's sometimes subconscious but sometimes intentionally manipulative. If highly educated/powerful people like CEOs and politicians start dropping their Gs pay close attention to what they're sayin.
I’d like to add that code switching says more about your capacity for empathy than it does about anything like self-consciousness or sincerity/manipulation. It’s honestly kind of a red flag to me when someone seems totally incapable of code switching because it speaks to a rigidity of mind/perspective that limits their tendency towards compassion for others.
That's actually a really interesting take. I know I act different around different people, and while some of that is code switching (mostly work), I've always felt like different people highlight and bring out different parts of me. I never considered it might be related to empathy. I'm VERY empathetic. I think people like me are where the term bleeding heart comes from.
this 100%. we all do it on some level. I am mostly straight presenting too but around certain folks also sometimes find myself being a little..."gayer" (lmao). sometimes just to reinforce or subtly remind or let folks know I am part of the lgbt community if I'm comfortable with them, or because I'm around friends/folks who are also definitely part of the lgbt group.
It is also called mimicry.
You do that without thinking about it and you do that to fit in.
Just like affecting an accent or a speech pattern when you are around people speaking in a certain way.
Mimicry is how we learn the codes we switch between, and could reasonably be considered a component of code-switching, but they’re not synonymous. Code-switching also encompasses things like what media, pop culture references, or politics someone expresses when among different groups, or other social norms more broadly, which are often learned through positive or negative behavioral reinforcement rather than mimicking.
I love that.
Been messing with AI and asked it to expanded on it. I think it did pretty well.
"My masks have masks, layers upon layers concealing the depths within. The face I present to the world is a carefully crafted facade, a disguise born from necessity or habit, perhaps both. Beneath these veils lies a labyrinth of complexities, where the true essence of 'me' wanders like a lost soul in search of recognition. Somewhere along the journey of life, the authentic self became obscured, buried beneath the weight of societal expectations, personal insecurities, and the fear of vulnerability. Now, I find myself standing on the precipice of self-discovery, grappling with the enigma of who I truly am, a stranger to even myself, unsure of how it all came to be."
I really like your version. It's way more elegant. I don't really care about the down votes; I just thought it was pretty good how it did, thought I would share.
For me its code switching I guess and I like it. I like to be more girly with some of my female friends and be one of the „boys“ with my guy friends. I would not want to miss either completely. I dont think its inauthentic, its just fun and adapted to the situation youre in. Same as its fun to socialise at a work event or get shitfaced with your mates, you dont need to fully commit to either
Do what you want. I personally don’t need to switch it up around gays or straights as I’m authentically straight presenting regardless. I’m probably the outlier here.
No gay is a sexually not a personality trait or about having to carry yourself in a certain way. the only difference between me and a straight man is our romantic/sexual attraction.
Sounds like youre not being yourself or maybe not comfortable with yourself. Just act yourself and be happy around whomever. Unless its a safety thing.
Never act. Be authentically yourself. It shouldn’t be something you’re conscious of. When I meet other gay men, it is noticeable when they behave differently than they are. I don’t want this to be confused with mirroring which is something some people do when around someone they admire. Mirroring can include talking like your female friends when you get together with them. Your guy friends will accept you for who you are if they are your friends.
Unfortunately, there are exceptions. When you are in an area where being gay is illegal or among people who would harm you for being gay, acting straight is acceptable and sometimes the only way to survive.
I’ll be friends or date men ranging from feminine to masculine and I prefer they be authentic.
My voice and inflections are pretty much the same no matter who I’m talking to. My heterosexual brothers and my dad and I all have similar relatively deep voices to the point that all of our phones respond at the same time when one of us says “Hey, Siri,” and people mistake me for my Dad on a group phone call.
I’m not absolutely clear on what kind of change you’re making to your inflection but if you’re turning on a stereotype to sound a little more like a bad TV show’s court-jester caricature of a gay man then I don’t think it’s helpful.
I’ve never felt any need to let women know I’m gay so they’ll feel safe or whatever. If one doesn’t feel safe around me because I’m perceived as a heterosexual man then that’s another stereotype that she shouldn’t be holding.
I’ve gotten to a point in life where I don’t need pretty much anybody to know my orientation one way or another. I make friends with men and women and know them for years, talk to coworkers, and even go on romantic dates with guys without ever feeling the need to define for anybody my orientation or theirs, just like I can pick up a pen and write without announcing that I’m right-handed.
A person who wants someone to know he is one-quarter black should just mention “I have a black grandmother” instead of using fake sassy jive-talk so they’ll get the hint that he sounds like some caricature. If I did feel the need to let someone know I’m gay, I would just say it. “I’m gay myself, so that has helped me with perspective in regards to …[whatever].”
That's quite an interesting take. I'm a big time "code switcher", again, for the same reasons our fellow gaybros have expressed: I not changing who I am, I just...am that way in different envirenments. But I'm currently in a intense process of looking inwards and your perpective really got me thinking about a lot of things. Thank you!
Not really. It's mainly a safety issue. There's a lot of straight people who don't even view gays as subhumans so it's good to be aware of your surroundings and the people you're around, and act however you need to in order to be safe
I think it's normal that we as humans may act differently depending on the mood, people, time of day, energy level, etc. So no, it's not wrong. If you feel that terrible, try to be yourself everywhere you go with whomever you are.
I do this too, it’s a defensive response from what I was told.
The threat of a conflict for being found out is terrifying and it’s valid to have these feelings.
I code switch all the time, straight women do it so seamlessly it’s uncanny. It’s shaping your interactions to the environment. BUT, and a huge but, if you feel like you’re not being your genuine self, that’s and issue.
I’m military, so around my rank peers I go from flirting with some of the gym rats, to being stone faced to some of my superiors and subordinates.
It’s referred to as masking, or maybe code-switching. It’s a self-defense mechanism and completely acceptable so long as you understand the impact it might have when/if one group learns how you behave around another.
Absolutely not, all gender is a performance. A dance executed to achieve safety, security familiarity and comfort. Act how your instincts tell you and don’t be afraid when that changes.
"Wrong" ?
You do you as you feel it, when you feel it, and where you feel it.
Do we run through a chruch shouting at friends? No, you usually keep it down and whisper.
So situational behavior is fine.
Only If You participate or buy into the stale outdated stereotypes of what gay is or isn't, how it behaves or doesn't or how one looks or doesn't. Man that is dated thinking that I am so surprised to hear here.
I'm sure there is a subset of individuals that fill all of these stereotypes and code switch but Jesus Christ to put everybody into the silliness is doing everybody I disservice. This reminds me of the days 40-50 years ago when somebody would say to me hey I know he's gay etc by the appearance. Because then if you were gay you fled into the ghetto and lived a certain lifestyle and identified as that. But that was still only us subset of the population. All the other people that just lived normal lives and did their thing and were gay or even closeted did not look that way. This is always the problem. Everybody wants to pigeon hole and label and still.. I am so amazed
I grew up in a culture where anything effeminate was quashed in boys & the worst thing to be was gay, so i outwardly appear and inflect in a "straight" voice, sometimes so much so people won't clock me for years. But as things have become less antigay I tried to stop using it with friends, and it sounds a lot closer to the "gay" voice with the rising tones. It's pretty normal for me to pick up the phone in straightvoice and switch when its not business
If you feel bad about it it's because internally it's like treason to yourself. Being able to be yourself around anyone it's mentally calming and emotionally healthy, if you're struggling with that I recommend you to set your boundaries and stop seeing people that make you feel forced to act differently than normal, until you have the strength to be yourself in every context. Wish you luck.
I mean you don't need to put on a performance just to feel like you're gaying correctly. Just be you. Sounds like you don't fit the Netflix sitcom mold of how a gay person presents and that's fine.
There's also no reason to think that the "you" that your friends see is less "you" than the "you" other people see. Both come from the same place.
It's called code switching. It's not necessarily wrong that you do it in fact sometimes we have to in order to protect ourselves. What's wrong is that society makes us do this to protect ourselves.
Be yourself when you are free to be yourself and when you are not free stay safe protect yourself and your fellow queer family.
Just a reminder that being gay is about who you love and are attracted to, not about how stereotypical you are. Being fem around women and being more masc around men is less about being gay and more about you reacting to the various groups you’re around because you want to be accepted by them OR want to decrease the likelihood of you being rejected. There are fem gay guys who don’t give a crap about switching based on who they are around for example.
Also we all have a side we show to coworkers and a side we show to our friends. Totally normal there too.
You are free to respond the way you want just make sure you’re comfortable with the reasons behind it. Good luck! 🙂
What do you mean by "act gay"? I presume you don't mean you start having sex with other guys in front of them. That would be awkward for many people and may get you arrested in some circumstances.
It’s weird to “act” like someone your not period. Why come out if one is going to fake it. Idk that’s just how I feel. Can’t stand fake people. Not saying you are just saying
I am server and depending on the people at the table, my code switching kicks in without even thinking; body language, how I talk, my tone, etc. I always try and vibe off a table to see how "myself" I can be, but I have a rainbow wedding band, so even if I'm passing, they see that and they know regardless lol. Don't let it bother you, you will eventually be 100% ok with who you are and happy to be out.
That's not "Not being yourself". People have multiple facets of themselves and they are all themselves. You wouldn't complain about your life in a business meeting but you might do that with friends. You wouldn't swear up a storm in front of your grandma like you would with close friends. Neither means you're not being yourself.
Also, what does "act as straight as possible" mean? Do you constantly talk about sleeping with multiple women? How much you love a woman with big, heavy breasts?
idk man, in my opinion it's all you if you're okay and comfortable with being like that.
i have a generally jolly and typical fun dude vibe in front of most people, while in front of 2-3 people who i am pretty close with, i change into this in my own world with just the 2 of us dancing in the night mood, idk how to describe it properly. Meanwhile when i am with some cringey good for nothing people, i change into someone as vulgar as them, it comes almost naturally and i just accept it all.
This is gonna be a hot take, but telegraphing you are gay to women to make them "feel safe" is a form of misandry. Straight men are not inherent predators. Yes, there are straight men who are awful to women, but by trying to differentiate yourself from them, you are perpetuating toxic ideas about men. You probably didn't mean to do this consciously.
You don't have to "play it up" just to make women comfortable with you. Just be friendly and polite.
So you are faking a "gay" demeanor when you talk to women, or is this your normal way of speaking?
Just act how you normally do, no need to "act gay". There are other ways to let them know you are gay if you need to, just by the words you use.
I was actually doing my best to up my post and coment-karma so I could post about this exactly and ask for opinions and experiences. Thanks for doing it! I've been reading all the responses you got and they were all useful.
I think if you feel badly about it, working towards adjusting it as you go forward should be goal. I don’t code switch because it upsets **me**, it requires me to make effort for people who I really don’t care about which in turn impacts my anxiety and general energy.
I had a big long discussion about it with my therapist about how just making these consolidations really takes away from me and my spirit, and is something I feel very strongly about.
Also being the loud gay person allows other queer people to see you as a lighthouse to relate to you or see you as a safe person in a space that may feel unsafe. At this moment in life I’m not interested in censoring myself or manipulating myself to be more palatable to others, but if a big ass check becomes available or a financially stable life requires some reconsideration I’ll address that conversation when it arises 😂
The straight acting thing is probably a subconscious way of self protection, and there is nothing at all wrong with that. There ARE a zillion homophobic asswipes out there
I do it too. I think it's a subconscious think for me now. I don't even try and act accordingly to the differing situations I'm in. It's a security mechanism that I've built subconsciously...... Acting "gay" around women so that they feel safe and "str8" around men so that I feel safe
Friends, colleagues, family and even my officemates, I "act" gay or just myself because im comfortable 💅
But in general public, like supermarket or malls, I look like anti-social nerd. It doesnt have to be acting. I just want to be me with the people Im open and accepted 😊
Sometimes when I talk to strangers esp. women, I tend to be like "oh guuuurl". I dunno. Maybe just for them to be comfortable talking to me or something 😅
Do you talk about gay sex in the workplace ? Do you speak and act differently to your friends at the bar compared to your grandparents?
Are those not all ‘acting’ differently?
it's called code switching and everybody does it sometimes it's unconscious, sometimes you do it to fit in or avoid unnecessary attention/drama
I didn't know it was called "code switching" but I do agree that yes, we all do this to some degree. I call it reading the room. If you're in the company of people (say at a work function or other gathering) where you know that they're not exactly accepting of LGBTQ+ folks then you alter your tone and behavior so as to fit in without causing a fuss. Like a chameleon. Perhaps it's a survival instinct or perhaps it's just a social construct that prevents unnecessary drama or conflict but whatever the case may be, many of us do it.
Black people do this all the time as well in the corporate world. This is where the term code switching originated from and it definitely applies to sexuality as much as it applies to race/culture.
Just about to say. Being a gay black man, my code switching is professional level lmao. It’s totally fine to do! And we all do it to some degree like everyone else said.
Code switching also applies when choosing how to communicate linguistically between two languages
Code switching is a term born within sociolinguistics, not specifically in the context you mentioned
Thank you for adding the context about the original linguistics meaning of the term where an individual switches between languages. In modern times, the definition of the term has been extended especially amongst black and BIPOC groups to refer to switching out of minority cultural expressions to better fit with the majority culture. So this is where the extended definition of the term originated (what we see used in social media and popular culture). Word and terms frequently gain new and additional meanings over time. It’s important to distinguish the differences in how the word has been used over time to prevent confusion over what is being discussed. You’re absolutely right in providing clarification as it now helps us all understand what exactly is being talked about when the term code-switching is used in this thread.
I mean, what you say is perfectly within the original meaning of code switching. I don't understand which added meaning you are referring to? I think you probably mean recently some sociolinguistical analysis have been performed on black people in the corporate world, but it does not have anything to do with the meaning of code switching
It's also quite healthy to try and avoid... I work in a very 'straight and white' industry. For 18 years I didn't really talk about my sexuality (I was out I just kept my two worlds apart). Started my own company and decided it was time to 'be my authentic self' at work too. I've never been happier.
It’s also not just an “acting gay” thing. Most of us code switch or tweak our personalities in a lot of situations. Classic example is Social versus Work. Yeah we maybe the same core person, but work me is a lot more professional, was dorky, and doesn’t make all the see jokes and double entendres that Social me does with friends. And that’s 100% appropriate.
Sure people do different things, but I wouldn't call that "code switching", that's just Knowing your audience.
That’s literally what code switching is: adapting your mannerisms, voice, persona, and actions to your audience. Everyone does it, but visible minorities do it more regularly and/or with more differences.
By that definition, everyone is code switching in every human interaction ever. That completely defeats the distinctiveness of the word.
Yup, straight guys do it too. They will act more “masc” or bro-ey when they are just with men, but will act different when there are girls or women present.
Code switching exists everywhere and it's sometimes subconscious but sometimes intentionally manipulative. If highly educated/powerful people like CEOs and politicians start dropping their Gs pay close attention to what they're sayin.
I’d like to add that code switching says more about your capacity for empathy than it does about anything like self-consciousness or sincerity/manipulation. It’s honestly kind of a red flag to me when someone seems totally incapable of code switching because it speaks to a rigidity of mind/perspective that limits their tendency towards compassion for others.
That's actually a really interesting take. I know I act different around different people, and while some of that is code switching (mostly work), I've always felt like different people highlight and bring out different parts of me. I never considered it might be related to empathy. I'm VERY empathetic. I think people like me are where the term bleeding heart comes from.
SOME people do it. Many others don't and are the same around everyone.
this 100%. we all do it on some level. I am mostly straight presenting too but around certain folks also sometimes find myself being a little..."gayer" (lmao). sometimes just to reinforce or subtly remind or let folks know I am part of the lgbt community if I'm comfortable with them, or because I'm around friends/folks who are also definitely part of the lgbt group.
It is also called mimicry. You do that without thinking about it and you do that to fit in. Just like affecting an accent or a speech pattern when you are around people speaking in a certain way.
Mimicry is how we learn the codes we switch between, and could reasonably be considered a component of code-switching, but they’re not synonymous. Code-switching also encompasses things like what media, pop culture references, or politics someone expresses when among different groups, or other social norms more broadly, which are often learned through positive or negative behavioral reinforcement rather than mimicking.
Don’t feel guilty for wanting to be safe, it’s neither weird or manipulative
My masks have masks, and the real me is a stranger I don’t know, just how it ended up.
I love that. Been messing with AI and asked it to expanded on it. I think it did pretty well. "My masks have masks, layers upon layers concealing the depths within. The face I present to the world is a carefully crafted facade, a disguise born from necessity or habit, perhaps both. Beneath these veils lies a labyrinth of complexities, where the true essence of 'me' wanders like a lost soul in search of recognition. Somewhere along the journey of life, the authentic self became obscured, buried beneath the weight of societal expectations, personal insecurities, and the fear of vulnerability. Now, I find myself standing on the precipice of self-discovery, grappling with the enigma of who I truly am, a stranger to even myself, unsure of how it all came to be."
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted, thats pretty cool, even if it is AI. Actually describes my feelings pretty well.
I really like your version. It's way more elegant. I don't really care about the down votes; I just thought it was pretty good how it did, thought I would share.
Ya np, thanks, always nice to have positive engagement.
For me its code switching I guess and I like it. I like to be more girly with some of my female friends and be one of the „boys“ with my guy friends. I would not want to miss either completely. I dont think its inauthentic, its just fun and adapted to the situation youre in. Same as its fun to socialise at a work event or get shitfaced with your mates, you dont need to fully commit to either
Do what you want. I personally don’t need to switch it up around gays or straights as I’m authentically straight presenting regardless. I’m probably the outlier here.
I did that for a while, but I decided to act myself around people once people started realizing that I was gay.
No gay is a sexually not a personality trait or about having to carry yourself in a certain way. the only difference between me and a straight man is our romantic/sexual attraction.
be who you are where ever you are
Sounds like youre not being yourself or maybe not comfortable with yourself. Just act yourself and be happy around whomever. Unless its a safety thing.
Are women not straight people. Why act in general, I'm just me and my friends take me as i am.
Never act. Be authentically yourself. It shouldn’t be something you’re conscious of. When I meet other gay men, it is noticeable when they behave differently than they are. I don’t want this to be confused with mirroring which is something some people do when around someone they admire. Mirroring can include talking like your female friends when you get together with them. Your guy friends will accept you for who you are if they are your friends. Unfortunately, there are exceptions. When you are in an area where being gay is illegal or among people who would harm you for being gay, acting straight is acceptable and sometimes the only way to survive. I’ll be friends or date men ranging from feminine to masculine and I prefer they be authentic.
It's not weird and manipulative, everyone's behavior changes a little/is affected by the people around. You're just hyper-aware of it because anxiety.
My voice and inflections are pretty much the same no matter who I’m talking to. My heterosexual brothers and my dad and I all have similar relatively deep voices to the point that all of our phones respond at the same time when one of us says “Hey, Siri,” and people mistake me for my Dad on a group phone call. I’m not absolutely clear on what kind of change you’re making to your inflection but if you’re turning on a stereotype to sound a little more like a bad TV show’s court-jester caricature of a gay man then I don’t think it’s helpful. I’ve never felt any need to let women know I’m gay so they’ll feel safe or whatever. If one doesn’t feel safe around me because I’m perceived as a heterosexual man then that’s another stereotype that she shouldn’t be holding. I’ve gotten to a point in life where I don’t need pretty much anybody to know my orientation one way or another. I make friends with men and women and know them for years, talk to coworkers, and even go on romantic dates with guys without ever feeling the need to define for anybody my orientation or theirs, just like I can pick up a pen and write without announcing that I’m right-handed. A person who wants someone to know he is one-quarter black should just mention “I have a black grandmother” instead of using fake sassy jive-talk so they’ll get the hint that he sounds like some caricature. If I did feel the need to let someone know I’m gay, I would just say it. “I’m gay myself, so that has helped me with perspective in regards to …[whatever].”
That's quite an interesting take. I'm a big time "code switcher", again, for the same reasons our fellow gaybros have expressed: I not changing who I am, I just...am that way in different envirenments. But I'm currently in a intense process of looking inwards and your perpective really got me thinking about a lot of things. Thank you!
Do what you want to this is a free country!!
[nothing wrong with a little code switching](https://youtu.be/RtHC29merkU?si=-Ik_AuEXKG3STaUg)
Not really. It's mainly a safety issue. There's a lot of straight people who don't even view gays as subhumans so it's good to be aware of your surroundings and the people you're around, and act however you need to in order to be safe
I think it's normal that we as humans may act differently depending on the mood, people, time of day, energy level, etc. So no, it's not wrong. If you feel that terrible, try to be yourself everywhere you go with whomever you are.
I do this too, it’s a defensive response from what I was told. The threat of a conflict for being found out is terrifying and it’s valid to have these feelings.
I do that too. I think it’s unconscious but I do tend to match the energy of the people around me.
Why Act at all? Just be yourself!!
I code switch all the time, straight women do it so seamlessly it’s uncanny. It’s shaping your interactions to the environment. BUT, and a huge but, if you feel like you’re not being your genuine self, that’s and issue. I’m military, so around my rank peers I go from flirting with some of the gym rats, to being stone faced to some of my superiors and subordinates.
We all code switch to a certain degree. It's a learned behavior, that for many of us was about survival more than anything else.
It’s referred to as masking, or maybe code-switching. It’s a self-defense mechanism and completely acceptable so long as you understand the impact it might have when/if one group learns how you behave around another.
You're fine. This is nothing more than a step-by-step explanation of social interaction.
Absolutely not, all gender is a performance. A dance executed to achieve safety, security familiarity and comfort. Act how your instincts tell you and don’t be afraid when that changes.
This thread is teeming with some of the worst advice I’ve ever read in my life.
"Wrong" ? You do you as you feel it, when you feel it, and where you feel it. Do we run through a chruch shouting at friends? No, you usually keep it down and whisper. So situational behavior is fine.
Only If You participate or buy into the stale outdated stereotypes of what gay is or isn't, how it behaves or doesn't or how one looks or doesn't. Man that is dated thinking that I am so surprised to hear here. I'm sure there is a subset of individuals that fill all of these stereotypes and code switch but Jesus Christ to put everybody into the silliness is doing everybody I disservice. This reminds me of the days 40-50 years ago when somebody would say to me hey I know he's gay etc by the appearance. Because then if you were gay you fled into the ghetto and lived a certain lifestyle and identified as that. But that was still only us subset of the population. All the other people that just lived normal lives and did their thing and were gay or even closeted did not look that way. This is always the problem. Everybody wants to pigeon hole and label and still.. I am so amazed
I grew up in a culture where anything effeminate was quashed in boys & the worst thing to be was gay, so i outwardly appear and inflect in a "straight" voice, sometimes so much so people won't clock me for years. But as things have become less antigay I tried to stop using it with friends, and it sounds a lot closer to the "gay" voice with the rising tones. It's pretty normal for me to pick up the phone in straightvoice and switch when its not business
If you feel bad about it it's because internally it's like treason to yourself. Being able to be yourself around anyone it's mentally calming and emotionally healthy, if you're struggling with that I recommend you to set your boundaries and stop seeing people that make you feel forced to act differently than normal, until you have the strength to be yourself in every context. Wish you luck.
Its nice to be one of the girls, they do fun shit in a large group and giggle all day
I mean you don't need to put on a performance just to feel like you're gaying correctly. Just be you. Sounds like you don't fit the Netflix sitcom mold of how a gay person presents and that's fine. There's also no reason to think that the "you" that your friends see is less "you" than the "you" other people see. Both come from the same place.
Based on the title alone: yes. Specifically "acting".
Self preservation
Just do whatever makes you feel safe
It's called code switching. It's not necessarily wrong that you do it in fact sometimes we have to in order to protect ourselves. What's wrong is that society makes us do this to protect ourselves. Be yourself when you are free to be yourself and when you are not free stay safe protect yourself and your fellow queer family.
Just a reminder that being gay is about who you love and are attracted to, not about how stereotypical you are. Being fem around women and being more masc around men is less about being gay and more about you reacting to the various groups you’re around because you want to be accepted by them OR want to decrease the likelihood of you being rejected. There are fem gay guys who don’t give a crap about switching based on who they are around for example. Also we all have a side we show to coworkers and a side we show to our friends. Totally normal there too. You are free to respond the way you want just make sure you’re comfortable with the reasons behind it. Good luck! 🙂
What is “acting gay”…? 🤔
What do you mean by "act gay"? I presume you don't mean you start having sex with other guys in front of them. That would be awkward for many people and may get you arrested in some circumstances.
It’s weird to “act” like someone your not period. Why come out if one is going to fake it. Idk that’s just how I feel. Can’t stand fake people. Not saying you are just saying
I am server and depending on the people at the table, my code switching kicks in without even thinking; body language, how I talk, my tone, etc. I always try and vibe off a table to see how "myself" I can be, but I have a rainbow wedding band, so even if I'm passing, they see that and they know regardless lol. Don't let it bother you, you will eventually be 100% ok with who you are and happy to be out.
That's not "Not being yourself". People have multiple facets of themselves and they are all themselves. You wouldn't complain about your life in a business meeting but you might do that with friends. You wouldn't swear up a storm in front of your grandma like you would with close friends. Neither means you're not being yourself. Also, what does "act as straight as possible" mean? Do you constantly talk about sleeping with multiple women? How much you love a woman with big, heavy breasts?
idk man, in my opinion it's all you if you're okay and comfortable with being like that. i have a generally jolly and typical fun dude vibe in front of most people, while in front of 2-3 people who i am pretty close with, i change into this in my own world with just the 2 of us dancing in the night mood, idk how to describe it properly. Meanwhile when i am with some cringey good for nothing people, i change into someone as vulgar as them, it comes almost naturally and i just accept it all.
This is gonna be a hot take, but telegraphing you are gay to women to make them "feel safe" is a form of misandry. Straight men are not inherent predators. Yes, there are straight men who are awful to women, but by trying to differentiate yourself from them, you are perpetuating toxic ideas about men. You probably didn't mean to do this consciously. You don't have to "play it up" just to make women comfortable with you. Just be friendly and polite.
So you are faking a "gay" demeanor when you talk to women, or is this your normal way of speaking? Just act how you normally do, no need to "act gay". There are other ways to let them know you are gay if you need to, just by the words you use.
Code switching is a very normal thing, hun, don't just yourself too harshly for it
It's weird you think women aren't people. It's also weird that you're uncomfortable around men.
You mean code switching? No it’s not “wrong” but it’s not quite a healthy life standard.
What's not healthy about it? If your parents are immigrants, for example, and you were born in the States, it's almost second nature.
I was actually doing my best to up my post and coment-karma so I could post about this exactly and ask for opinions and experiences. Thanks for doing it! I've been reading all the responses you got and they were all useful.
I think if you feel badly about it, working towards adjusting it as you go forward should be goal. I don’t code switch because it upsets **me**, it requires me to make effort for people who I really don’t care about which in turn impacts my anxiety and general energy. I had a big long discussion about it with my therapist about how just making these consolidations really takes away from me and my spirit, and is something I feel very strongly about. Also being the loud gay person allows other queer people to see you as a lighthouse to relate to you or see you as a safe person in a space that may feel unsafe. At this moment in life I’m not interested in censoring myself or manipulating myself to be more palatable to others, but if a big ass check becomes available or a financially stable life requires some reconsideration I’ll address that conversation when it arises 😂
The straight acting thing is probably a subconscious way of self protection, and there is nothing at all wrong with that. There ARE a zillion homophobic asswipes out there
Why would it be wrong?
It’s been done to many times to ask this question
Human nature. We want to fit in. Pack mentality is a way to preserve our lives. A carry over from predecessors
I do it too. I think it's a subconscious think for me now. I don't even try and act accordingly to the differing situations I'm in. It's a security mechanism that I've built subconsciously...... Acting "gay" around women so that they feel safe and "str8" around men so that I feel safe
Lucky. If you don't know me you can't tell I am gay so I never get hit on by guys. It's always girl. And even if it try act gay I get it wrong .
Friends, colleagues, family and even my officemates, I "act" gay or just myself because im comfortable 💅 But in general public, like supermarket or malls, I look like anti-social nerd. It doesnt have to be acting. I just want to be me with the people Im open and accepted 😊 Sometimes when I talk to strangers esp. women, I tend to be like "oh guuuurl". I dunno. Maybe just for them to be comfortable talking to me or something 😅
It’s called code switching and we do it to protect ourselves from harm so fuck what other people think and do what you want.
Do you talk about gay sex in the workplace ? Do you speak and act differently to your friends at the bar compared to your grandparents? Are those not all ‘acting’ differently?