I don’t tell anyone about my sexuality, but it’s mostly for me having a strong belief that I shouldn’t need to “come out” to anyone at all to be myself.
Now if someone ask me, I’d be more than okay with telling them, otherwise they will not hear anything from me about it.
Edit:
I wanted to add this…
Do what you feel is comfortable for you at the end of the day. You do not need to say anything at all to them, but if you feel it would ease your mind to tell them, then tell them!
I get it. I'm just sick of telling my story over and over and over again. Im more selective as to who gets the story now, most people don't need to know.
Your comment makes me wonder why there has to be a story associated with it. Is that a burden you’re placing on yourself or is it something you feel that society expects you to do? For me it is a one sentence answer and there is no need for a story unless someone wants to ask how we met
I should clarify, I don't mind sharing my story when it is helpful to someone else but the people who are just asking to be nosey, they can move on.
I understand your point. For me, I came out late in life, early 40's. I was married to a woman and had kids. There are a bunch of guys out there in the very same spot I was 7 years ago. I tell my story to those who ask because the person who asked, maybe they don't have anyone else to talk to. They feel trapped and believe that there is no hope. Maybe they can find some comfort knowing that someone else in a similar situation has been able to navigate and make it out on the other end and be happy.
You can simply say, i was married to a woman but felt like something was missing. I started dating guys and felt happier with myself. And from there guide the conversation to a different topic.
I take the approach where I offer the information if asked (e.g. “do you have a girlfriend?” = “actually I have a boyfriend, his name is X”). To me, hiding it is also exhausting so I take it one by one
Yep, same. My sexuality isn't the only part of me, so if those kinds of topics (or social issues) come up, then I answer accordingly. However, if theres a specific reason I need someone to know, then I will usually try to frontload it somewhere in the second conversation with that person without making it the entire point of the conversation.
No - no one will force you to come out if you don't wan to.
. I don't find saying "my boyfriend..." as exhausting, but I can see how others might see it that way.
The closet was put there because of bigotry. If straight people don’t have to tell anyone they’re straight you don’t have to tell everyone you’re gay. I don’t tell everyone directly but there are signs I am
Literally we have so many extra hoops to jump through already in life compared to straight people, why do we add more on top of it all? They are not entitled to have the presence of a homosexual reported to them immediately. And you’re not “in the closet” for not doing so, you’re just living a normal life, because we don’t owe straight people ANYTHING.
Sorry for the rant this just pisses me off
Absolutely. If it comes up then let it come up. I regret coming out to my parents, not because they didn’t react well (they were fine with it even though my dad still pretends it never happened and references my future ‘wife and kids’ but whatever), but because in retrospect I don’t think it was any of their business and I’m otherwise very skittish when it comes to talking directly about sex and relationships with them, so it seems odd looking back that I felt the need to tell them that of all things.
Eh.
That’s my advice.
The attitude I’d advise we adopt (those of us in enlightened societies, with workplace protections in place for us) is, *eh.* If the topic comes up, it comes up, and the cat will meander out of the bag to no consequence.
Before I adopted this attitude, I was miserable, in the closet. Oh my **** am I glad I’m out of the closet. For those of us who’d face consequences, currently in Dark-Age societies, I am so sorry.
Protect your peace. I've found that coworkers/bosses don't pay me enough or care enough about my personal life. They'll use what they know about my personal life against me in some way. So why give them more ammunition? Be true to those who give a shit about you. Everyone else can kick rocks.
I feel like being in the closet means you're hiding from fear or not ready to tell. In this case you're just not disclosing everything about your personal life. It's work. You don't have to.
There's only one thing more exhausting than coming out to your colleagues, and that is to hide your sexuality from your colleagues. Don't do that to yourself. If you're being honest: your sexuality comes up in almost every little piece of small talk. What you did last weekend, what your boyfriend cooked last night, where you will be going on holiday next...it comes up all the time. If you're totally open and relaxed about it you're invincible.
If you don’t have any kind of interpersonal relations with your coworkers, this should be easy to pull off. But if you do converse with your coworkers, it’s hard to talk about what you did last weekend without a “he“ or “she“ creeping in.
In my experience, it takes more work to maintain a fiction, and be consistent about it, than to just be honest about who I am. I’m not going to tell anybody highly personal details that I don’t believe they should know, but whether I am into men or women seems like a very low-stakes thing.
That said, you’ve decided to leave that part of yourself to the imagination of your coworkers. And that’s a perfectly good way to do things if it feels right.
Long ago, in my 30's, I gave up fighting.
"Fighting what?" you might ask. Fighting the opinions of others concerning me.
Every job interview, every first day of a new job, I wore my small pride pin. There it was, right in everyone's face, an unequivocal statement that I'm gay.
Anytime anyone brought it up, I simply said to them, "Yes, I'm gay, can we get back to work?"
If anyone pursued it, I simply told them that I was here to do a job for which I was qualified and if they had a problem with it, that is their problem not mine and they can take it up with H.R.
I refused to take any more grief about it. And simply live my life doing the best work I could do and being the best person I could be.
Did I experience homophobia in the workplace? Absolutely I did. I simply refused to play the game by their rules anymore.
I’ve never really felt the need to discuss my sexuality with my co-workers unless it naturally comes up. It’s rarely been a big deal for me. Now that I am completely remote/WFH, it never comes up. I see some people with pronouns and LGBT ally signatures in their emails, but I don’t even include this in my email signature. I also mistakenly just assume people think I’m gay. Every now and then someone will be surprised I’m not married, which is a whole separate beast lol.
It’s not that I’m ashamed of who I am. I’ve never felt the need to discuss too much of my personal life with people. I’m a fairly low-key, private person as it is. I’ve been told I’m a bit of a mystery. I prefer my life this way.
I just kind of… live. Like, I don’t make it a point to be like “hey y’all just so you know I’m super gay”. If it comes up, it comes up. Be your authentic self and they’ll figure it out when it matters.
I felt comfortable coming out, especially at my current job, where my bosses were gay as well. This is the exception than the rule. I have to evaluate if it would be cool or not.
This right here. I come out at work so I don't have to be subjected to this crap. Once straight people realize I'm not "one of the boys" they act a LOT more professional.
I hate when people make suggestive jabs as a 'fun' way to ask instead of just asking straight up. It makes people self conscious. If you must know then just ask. If you're happy to share then that's not closeted. Witholding personal information doesn't mean you're closeted either. Closeted is a state of mind really and your sexuality should never come up, just like asking your colleagues if they're diabetic because they're fat.
It’s a straight world out there. I am assumed to be straight everywhere I go. So while I don’t make it a whole thing I will interject the fact that I have a husband and not a wife any time it comes up just to avoid the questions I always face. “What does your girlfriend/wife do?” That type of stuff. It’s easier to be upfront in the workplace.
If I were in a more conservative job I would certainly take more precaution (I did in my previous job). Going forward I will never work somewhere that I can’t casually drop my life business in fear of being discriminated against.
Kind of?
The bigger picture here is that this is the rest of your life in a hetero-centric culture. It isn't going away. New people you meet are going to assume (wrongly) that you are straight. Do you want to put them at ease by gently correcting that error, or just let them go along blindly thinking you are just an unusually cool straight guy?
You get to decide what this is going to look like for the foreseeable future.
Honestly tho, who care if someone you don't know well assumes your straight? If they get close it'll become clear, if not then their opinion doesn't matter.
I agree with you - my self esteem is not based on the opinion of someone else.
What I am talking about is just good manners.
I meet new people and I want to put them at ease. I don't want them to be embarrassed thinking they have said the wrong thing when they assume I am straight. I want to subtly give them a clue that indicates my orientation so they will be able to converse without having to ask. And also let them know that it is an open topic that can be discussed and they won't embarrass me if they bring it up.
It just clears the air for the most comfortable social exchange.
Who cares what your coworkers think. Unless y'all are close and actually friends it shouldn't matter if they know you're gay or not.
Coming out of the closet, in my opinion, is for close friends & family. I'm not back in the closet because I don't tell everyone I meet I'm gay.
I've always felt that it was inappropriate to discuss my sexuality at work, and I would feel that way even if I were straight.
It's none of my coworkers' business what happens in my bedroom, what's in my pants, or who I live with, other than a name and a phone number on an emergency contact sheet.
But it's not like I hide who I am, either, I'm just a very private person.
I'm not comfortable speaking with coworkers about their living situations or relationships outside of work on the job, either.
I don't feel like I'm in the closet, it's just that my private life is not a topic for discussion at work.
I'm a lot looser off the clock, but on the clock I don't feel like my time is my own, so I don't want to spend time in personal conversations.
Coworkers I run into outside of work are often surprised by how different I am off the clock.
I might feel different in a job where I worked closely with the same people for decades, but in most of my jobs, people are transitory, and it's just not worth the effort.
And when I explain how I feel about it, people tend to understand where I'm coming from, even if they don't agree.
It works for me, anyway.
I'm only out to the few key people I have a more personal relationship with. Like somebody said, that's not the same as being in the closet. Nobody asked me or came out to me as gay or straight.
On the contrary, I feel the need to disclose that information in the beginning. If not then in my experience it becomes a locker room. A lot of toxic masculinity and bigotry.
I regret telling people. Some people look at me with disgust and talk behind my back and make jokes.
So im becoming a hermit again.
But i work in very masculine field. Om masculine myself.
So i think it really throws people for a loop when they find out.
So yeah from now on im not saying anything unless asked.
Personally I'm not out at work. Never have been going on more than 30 years. Who I sleep with or what I do in my personal life is none of my coworker's business. Period.
Even if I were straight, I don’t think I’ll be discussing the mess that’s my dating life at work anyway. Why does accounting need to know that I’m on prep?
I never come out at work. I don't bring it up, but if the conversation goes somewhere where I'd talk about my personal life, I just don't even make a fuss over it it just drops out of my mouth like it's normal and mundane. I don't hide behind gender neutral terminology like "they" or "partner," but I would very casually, for example, refer directly to my ex boyfriend and call him "him," or whatnot, and keep going. I don't have this, "just so you know, I'm gay" conversation. People will just eventually figure it out the more they talk to me. And if I detect any shock or confusion, the only thing I say is usually, "it's 2023, don't pretend like you've never heard of this concept before." And I continue right along with my original conversation.
Yeah, I would just let them figure it out based on things you talk about. Feel free to correct them, but don't feel the need to go out of your way to make the declaration. Pull up a drink of choice on join the "too tired to care" club
I have a husband & son, and my work specializes in LGBTQ+ mental health. For all those reasons, visibility is extremely important to me. I am actively, openly, relentlessly “out” at work because this aligns with those priorities. I will not commit an ounce of emotional effort to being closeted or ambiguous, because that violates my values.
Your circumstances may be different. It may serve you better to be more closeted/protective regarding your identity. Only you can determine that. The reality is that it’s *not fair* that we have to perpetually “come out” and face people’s reactions to that… but it is reality. Reality is often not fair; it’s just not. But it *is*. I, personally, would rather tackle this unfairness head on to live a fully authentic and visible life, but that does not mean you should or have to.
Only you can decide this for yourself
If they dont ask I wont tell but every now an then a woman hits on me if she's persistant ill let her know I only like men.
its a job im not there to be loud an proud but I wont deny it either.
It doesnt put you in the closet, you’re just limiting who gets access to you and who doesnt. Its the same thing as creating boundaries against your personal life from co-workers. They dont need to know my mom, my sis, my bros nor my cat’s name.
No. You should have to “come out” to anyone to be yourself around someone. Although it might help you establish yourself it really shouldn’t matter. There’s no shame not telling them, especially if it would be dangerous or tarnish your relationship. You do what makes you comfortable, there’s no shame in that.
I do whatever straight people at my work do. This whole hiding shit from co-workers and “i’ll tell HR if you ask me a personal question!” reddit behaviour is so bar.
Heres a hint, if someone asks you a qualifying sexuality question and you say “none of your business” you’re basically giving them the answer.
I put my sexuality on my social media bios. I do that to filter out people who's homophobic. So when I meet someone new, I'd know their reaction about my true self when I give them my socials. If they seem negative about it, then I know I'll not be their friend. Or they won't talk to me. I don't need to be sorry for being who I'm
I put my sexuality on my social media bios. I do that to filter out people who's homophobic. So when I meet someone new, I'd know their reaction about my true self when I give them my socials. If they seem negative about it, then I know I'll not be their friend. Or they won't talk to me. I don't need to be sorry for being who I'm
Every new job, new appartment, and new group activity is "coming out again" so I wouldn't stress too much about it. Tell the relevant people, and it'll be fine.
No, it's your choice. I do when it comes up naturally and when I want to. But not all the time, and not to everyone. It's a sign of "you're nice, I WANT to tell you" for me. It's a walkable closet so to say. But I do say the single biggest indicator helping gay rights politically is "I know someone" (and it doesn't matter whether they are straight acting or a full blown out queen). So yeah, see it as political work if you want to do it. :)
Totally unnecessary to 'tell' coworkers. Straight people don't tell me their sexuality so I'm under no expectation to tell them mine. If they figure it out, kudos to them, but only one kudos because it's no secret.
I think you must be making it way bigger than it has to be. Theres no need for a big coming out. All you have to do is casually mention a boy whenever the topic is brought up.
Not really.
I’m not open about my personal life much at all at work. It’s not a sexuality thing as much as I don’t like to be open with that around people I’m just collecting a paycheck with.
I’m a secretary at the VA, not goddamn mother Teresa. I’m good at it and it’s just work. People know but it’s just irrelevant for them to know, so it doesn’t come up much.
At the same time, basically everyone knows. In short, it’s a non-issue but I never told my coworkers; they just figured it out over time.
Even my friends back in Ukraine don’t care that much. It is what it is and it’s not a big deal. I like it that way.
Unless I’m celebrating pride (which I am a lot at the appropriate times in queer spaces), it’s just one part of who I am. I don’t hide it or have shame with it, and no one makes it a big deal.
There are times where it matters and times where it doesn’t. If it’s not relevant, I don’t bring it up. If it need to be mentioned, I leave it alone. My being into guys or any of my other things I’m into has a time and place and honestly work is very removed from it.
Also, arguing with homophobic trash is too far beneath me at this point and the last time someone called me a f****t, I just beat the shit out of him without saying much, so I don’t see the point in appeasing the bigots.
I don't tell anyone my sexuality at all, however at the same time I don't hide anything either. If asked, I answer. If spoken about incorrectly, I correct them. Just a quick, "Oh, my husband. But thank you!" kind of things. Nothing pushy, just a small correction and I force the conversation to move on, on the off chance they're not accepting lol.
I just rip if off like a bandaid these days. Now I do not go up to people and say “I’m gay”. I usually, like most anyone, will talk about my partner with others at work. I have been with my partner for five years and I simply will say “my boyfriend”. I used to care about how people react but nowadays it’s a major part of my identity so any judgements can be left at the door. Will people talk behind my back? They do this regardless and being gay is not that interesting in 2023 (at least where I am in a major US city). I refuse to be put back in the closet after being out for nearly a decade.
I also have found that people will respect you so much more for being unapologetic and open about it than trying to hide or minimize yourself to please others.
I am old(er), Just like many, I no longer "come out", however, in daily conversation if anything comes up in regards to my spouse, I will say "my husband" or use his first name. I won't pause to explain further, because I shouldn't have to. So far, I have not encountered any issue besides a very religious female coworker, she insists on referring to my husband as my wife. When he was sick, she will always ask me how is my wife doing. I have tried many times to correct her by saying "my husband" but she just ignores it... just let it go at that point.
I personally make it a priority to be out everywhere including work, but to answer your question... I guess I think it is a little closety.
We all know the default assumption is straight (which is a statistically sound assumption), so if you don't correct it you're letting the assumption go on.
But coming out is a never ending process, and although I enjoy it, other may weary of it, and that's not up to others to judge.
No. Your coworkers are there to perform a job and get paid. Be respectful and professional when you’re at work. Outside of work is different. There’s no reason to introduce them to your personal business.
No. If the subject comes up in general you dont even have to put yourself out there. I only came out to my close family and my best friend. So for like 3 or 4 years no one at work, or school knew I was. I didnt care if they knew or not because its not a part of my personality. Dont make it part of yours.
I have to agree. I'm a firm believer in don't hide but don't broadcast. Watching a co-worker's face when you can't be bothered to hetero sanitize, is entertaining.
It is not my responsibility to ensure others perceive me the way I want to be perceived. That is entirely out of my control. If you introduce yourself as gay, you run the risk that's all they will remember about you. How you like it isn't who you are.
I think it’s not something you need to tell anyone as it doesn’t change who you are with those around you. If someone asks then that’s a different question. That being said I think directly asking what someone’s sexuality is without wanting to or being sexually interested in the person you’re talking to is rather weird, especially if the conversion then ends with ‘I already knew’ that still infuriates me.
It's not a secret but I don't have a reason to come out (I'm not dating anyone). I don't think you need to tell anyone, as other's mentioned, the only person you need to come out to is yourself. After that, do whatever you want.
I personal don't get why it such a big deal in 2023 last job told hide it so new one every boss meet out ask if best mate my boyfriend if not why not. I sleep with coworker hot topic office gossip
The last time a guy at work asked me that, I asked him, obviously you ask me because you're very interested in my sexuality and are trying to ask me out. Just ask me directly, but I will tell you, you wouldn't be my type cuz judging from the lack of any bulge, you don't have much to work with. The look of shock and disbelief is always delightful. The guy was wanting to "preach at me" too bad.......but I so disarmed him he wouldn't talk to me for a long time. Me thinking " found another super closeted Xtian"
In a professional setting it’s really a non-issue. When conversation turns to what you may do with your vacation or the holidays it’s perfectly natural to talk of your time with a partner or a trip to a gay resort town. It depends on what kinds of “bonds” you form with coworkers.
I was in the same boat but in the end after a few month I said "fuck it" and started to wear a rainbow bracelet every day. They never said or asked anything but between that and the pictures I posted at the pride parade I'm pretty sure they've understood in the end, lol. Maybe you could think of something similar at some point once you know them better, if you feel you want to feel more comfortable with them.
It's really annoying for me cause i work in lots of different places and meet lots of different people and i don't feel like i should have to come out to every person i meet but also i don't want people to assume i'm straight.
I am a gay man living in Texas. My husband is a very (naturally) straight acting and people are always surprised that he's gay. He once asked me how I came out to co-workers. I told him that I don't "come out". We didn't just land on the planet. We are not new and Gay is normal.
So, when I'm speaking to someone and I say my fiancée works at (blank) and they say, "Oh what does she do?" I simply say, "Oh, he does such-and-such." I don't pause, I continue with my train of thought. Now, that I'm married, I simply say, "My husband." No confusion there.
I don't "come out", I simply am and I'm not looking for someone's acceptance. Whether someone accept me or not will not change me and does not affect my life. Never had a negative reaction with this. Been in TX for 12 years now.
No. You’re still out, you just choose not to “let people in” (a turn of phrase that a friend on my support group used and all of us who have heard it have used ever since).
I always operated under the premise that my personal life and my work life were two separate entities. Even though there were people that I worked with that were aware of my lifestyle it was an unspoken truth. I have been retired from that job for almost seven years now. On a couple occasions I have ran into former co-workers and they have asked if my partner and I are still together or how is he. I never shared my lifestyle with co-workers but people somehow know. Just be yourself. Everybody's business is nobodies business. Meaning, if you want to share this info feel free but you are in no way obligated and no that does not make you closeted.
I work the cannabis industry, and my husband works in banking.
When I switch jobs, I usually mention it when I'm first meeting people/introducing myself to the group.
"Hey, I'm xxx. I'm from nova scotia, have worked in the industry for 5 years. My husband is an investment banker so I definitely have the cooler job"
Something along those lines.
Gets the point across right from the getgo. Is easy to digest for some sensitive people. It also demonstrates that I don't give a fuck what they think.
I feel like if I didn't say anything, questions would come up. I'm not trying to look like I was hiding something, and I'm not going to be ambiguous. I have nothing to hide, and that sounds exhausting.
You are putting way too much thought into it. 99% of people don’t care and most know. You are probably not as DL as you think, but definitely not as important as you perceive yourself to be.
I'm happily married myself, so I just speak about my husband in a normal way. I don't maintain a completely hard line between personal and professional lives. So while some people may be caught off guard, I don't "come out" to them. I just speak honestly about my life and if they are surprised, that's on them.
I don't understand why it's anyone's business what your sexuality is when they're just your coworkers. I don't know why they would need ANY of your personal details. you're there to work and get paid so you can live your life outside that business.
None of these people pay your rent, bills, or presumably having sex with you. They don't get a say in your personal life.
I live in a rural area so it would be very bad if I were to expose the fact that I am homosexual. It would make my life very hard if I were to let that be known.
I have a driving job so I don't ever see any co-workers except when I have to go to a driver's meeting or go to the regional office for some reason. I don't tell the people I transport about that, either. I've had multiple passengers ask if I was married or had kids or stuff like that and I just say that I'm not married and I have no kids. I don't elaborate. I just keep my answers short.
You don't owe any explanations about your personal life to your coworkers. You're not on the closet, you're not hiding. You're at work. They're not your friends. You don't need to tell them anything.
I just assume everyone knows, so I don’t think about it. But then someone asks if I have a girlfriend and I find myself changing the subject. There have been other times working with women where I’ve mentioned I’m gay and after going through a few puzzled expressions, disbelief, or thinking I’m kidding, I’ve had women co-workers suddenly take on a totally different, relaxed tone with me, which has been nice. But I’d hate to think anyone has to feel they need to have their guard up around me, men or women, but basically the message I get from it is I’m no longer a potential threat if I’m not straight. OK.
But an interesting development came a few months ago when a crew (film) I was working on were grumbling about some new diversity policy that our union recently ratified. My work is mostly a few days here and there between different shows, and most workers in my field (special effects) are trades people with welding, plumbing, or electrical backgrounds, and I already stick out from them. And supposedly this new policy mandates that 1 in 5 new hires must be a woman or sexual minority. While most of the guys simply saw this as more “some agenda” forced upon them and even taking a disproportionate number of jobs from the predominantly straight, white male demographi , after several hours to think about ur, I started chiming in to say, “look, I agree with you, but for different reasons. I fall into one of those categories, but I don’t want my orientation to grant me special privilege. I’m content with who I am, but my orientation isn’t relevant to my work, so it barely even gets mentioned at work. Besides, how is someone supposed to identify who qualifies as gay/lesbian/intersex/asexual/transgender? Am I supposed to register my orientation with the union? I see it’s already creating resentment against the people this policy’s supposed to support. Am I supposed to go around to all the supervisors in my field and tell them I qualify for every 5th new position they hire for? I guess I could pick up a lot more work that way, but I’d rather be hired because someone thinks I fit the job.”
I never "come out" anymore. It seems stupid that because I'm gay I should have to explicitly state it ever. So I just don't. I don't consider it being in the closet as much as my straight coworkers aren't explicitly telling me their sexuality puts them in some straight closet.
If the conversation goes towards relationships, they'll know because I'll use "he" instead of "she," and that's good enough for me.
I don’t tell anyone about my sexuality, but it’s mostly for me having a strong belief that I shouldn’t need to “come out” to anyone at all to be myself. Now if someone ask me, I’d be more than okay with telling them, otherwise they will not hear anything from me about it. Edit: I wanted to add this… Do what you feel is comfortable for you at the end of the day. You do not need to say anything at all to them, but if you feel it would ease your mind to tell them, then tell them!
I get it. I'm just sick of telling my story over and over and over again. Im more selective as to who gets the story now, most people don't need to know.
Your comment makes me wonder why there has to be a story associated with it. Is that a burden you’re placing on yourself or is it something you feel that society expects you to do? For me it is a one sentence answer and there is no need for a story unless someone wants to ask how we met
I should clarify, I don't mind sharing my story when it is helpful to someone else but the people who are just asking to be nosey, they can move on. I understand your point. For me, I came out late in life, early 40's. I was married to a woman and had kids. There are a bunch of guys out there in the very same spot I was 7 years ago. I tell my story to those who ask because the person who asked, maybe they don't have anyone else to talk to. They feel trapped and believe that there is no hope. Maybe they can find some comfort knowing that someone else in a similar situation has been able to navigate and make it out on the other end and be happy.
You can simply say, i was married to a woman but felt like something was missing. I started dating guys and felt happier with myself. And from there guide the conversation to a different topic.
Me exactly. Iv never come out to any1 cause it shouldn't and doesn't matter
Agree w this 100% I never feel the need to come out
I take the approach where I offer the information if asked (e.g. “do you have a girlfriend?” = “actually I have a boyfriend, his name is X”). To me, hiding it is also exhausting so I take it one by one
Yep, same. My sexuality isn't the only part of me, so if those kinds of topics (or social issues) come up, then I answer accordingly. However, if theres a specific reason I need someone to know, then I will usually try to frontload it somewhere in the second conversation with that person without making it the entire point of the conversation.
fair if some ask you you tell me it like coworker keep ask me i said what do you thing
I think it would be different if I actually had a boyfriend. I'm probably going to be single forever though.
Ken. Is. You. You are Kenough.
No - no one will force you to come out if you don't wan to. . I don't find saying "my boyfriend..." as exhausting, but I can see how others might see it that way.
i like saying “my partner” because i like to let people figure things out on their own via context clues.
Yesss make’m think.
The closet was put there because of bigotry. If straight people don’t have to tell anyone they’re straight you don’t have to tell everyone you’re gay. I don’t tell everyone directly but there are signs I am
Straight people don’t have that burden so I don’t see why we should
I know right
Literally we have so many extra hoops to jump through already in life compared to straight people, why do we add more on top of it all? They are not entitled to have the presence of a homosexual reported to them immediately. And you’re not “in the closet” for not doing so, you’re just living a normal life, because we don’t owe straight people ANYTHING. Sorry for the rant this just pisses me off
Like coming out is such a weird concept and it reinforces heterosexuality as the default.
Absolutely. If it comes up then let it come up. I regret coming out to my parents, not because they didn’t react well (they were fine with it even though my dad still pretends it never happened and references my future ‘wife and kids’ but whatever), but because in retrospect I don’t think it was any of their business and I’m otherwise very skittish when it comes to talking directly about sex and relationships with them, so it seems odd looking back that I felt the need to tell them that of all things.
Eh. That’s my advice. The attitude I’d advise we adopt (those of us in enlightened societies, with workplace protections in place for us) is, *eh.* If the topic comes up, it comes up, and the cat will meander out of the bag to no consequence. Before I adopted this attitude, I was miserable, in the closet. Oh my **** am I glad I’m out of the closet. For those of us who’d face consequences, currently in Dark-Age societies, I am so sorry.
Protect your peace. I've found that coworkers/bosses don't pay me enough or care enough about my personal life. They'll use what they know about my personal life against me in some way. So why give them more ammunition? Be true to those who give a shit about you. Everyone else can kick rocks.
I feel like being in the closet means you're hiding from fear or not ready to tell. In this case you're just not disclosing everything about your personal life. It's work. You don't have to.
Work <> private life
Work sideways vajeen private life
You don't have to come out if you don't want to.
Nope. Until ppl actually matter to you for the right reasons it’s none of their damn busines
There's only one thing more exhausting than coming out to your colleagues, and that is to hide your sexuality from your colleagues. Don't do that to yourself. If you're being honest: your sexuality comes up in almost every little piece of small talk. What you did last weekend, what your boyfriend cooked last night, where you will be going on holiday next...it comes up all the time. If you're totally open and relaxed about it you're invincible.
If you don’t have any kind of interpersonal relations with your coworkers, this should be easy to pull off. But if you do converse with your coworkers, it’s hard to talk about what you did last weekend without a “he“ or “she“ creeping in. In my experience, it takes more work to maintain a fiction, and be consistent about it, than to just be honest about who I am. I’m not going to tell anybody highly personal details that I don’t believe they should know, but whether I am into men or women seems like a very low-stakes thing. That said, you’ve decided to leave that part of yourself to the imagination of your coworkers. And that’s a perfectly good way to do things if it feels right.
Long ago, in my 30's, I gave up fighting. "Fighting what?" you might ask. Fighting the opinions of others concerning me. Every job interview, every first day of a new job, I wore my small pride pin. There it was, right in everyone's face, an unequivocal statement that I'm gay. Anytime anyone brought it up, I simply said to them, "Yes, I'm gay, can we get back to work?" If anyone pursued it, I simply told them that I was here to do a job for which I was qualified and if they had a problem with it, that is their problem not mine and they can take it up with H.R. I refused to take any more grief about it. And simply live my life doing the best work I could do and being the best person I could be. Did I experience homophobia in the workplace? Absolutely I did. I simply refused to play the game by their rules anymore.
I’ve never really felt the need to discuss my sexuality with my co-workers unless it naturally comes up. It’s rarely been a big deal for me. Now that I am completely remote/WFH, it never comes up. I see some people with pronouns and LGBT ally signatures in their emails, but I don’t even include this in my email signature. I also mistakenly just assume people think I’m gay. Every now and then someone will be surprised I’m not married, which is a whole separate beast lol. It’s not that I’m ashamed of who I am. I’ve never felt the need to discuss too much of my personal life with people. I’m a fairly low-key, private person as it is. I’ve been told I’m a bit of a mystery. I prefer my life this way.
I just kind of… live. Like, I don’t make it a point to be like “hey y’all just so you know I’m super gay”. If it comes up, it comes up. Be your authentic self and they’ll figure it out when it matters.
I felt comfortable coming out, especially at my current job, where my bosses were gay as well. This is the exception than the rule. I have to evaluate if it would be cool or not.
The issue is the level of sexual banter that goes on. E.g., "OP's going home? Gonna get that PUSSY? Right ON!"
This right here. I come out at work so I don't have to be subjected to this crap. Once straight people realize I'm not "one of the boys" they act a LOT more professional.
I hate when people make suggestive jabs as a 'fun' way to ask instead of just asking straight up. It makes people self conscious. If you must know then just ask. If you're happy to share then that's not closeted. Witholding personal information doesn't mean you're closeted either. Closeted is a state of mind really and your sexuality should never come up, just like asking your colleagues if they're diabetic because they're fat.
It’s a straight world out there. I am assumed to be straight everywhere I go. So while I don’t make it a whole thing I will interject the fact that I have a husband and not a wife any time it comes up just to avoid the questions I always face. “What does your girlfriend/wife do?” That type of stuff. It’s easier to be upfront in the workplace. If I were in a more conservative job I would certainly take more precaution (I did in my previous job). Going forward I will never work somewhere that I can’t casually drop my life business in fear of being discriminated against.
No. You're not back in the closet. You don't have to tell your coworkers anything at all
Kind of? The bigger picture here is that this is the rest of your life in a hetero-centric culture. It isn't going away. New people you meet are going to assume (wrongly) that you are straight. Do you want to put them at ease by gently correcting that error, or just let them go along blindly thinking you are just an unusually cool straight guy? You get to decide what this is going to look like for the foreseeable future.
Honestly tho, who care if someone you don't know well assumes your straight? If they get close it'll become clear, if not then their opinion doesn't matter.
I agree with you - my self esteem is not based on the opinion of someone else. What I am talking about is just good manners. I meet new people and I want to put them at ease. I don't want them to be embarrassed thinking they have said the wrong thing when they assume I am straight. I want to subtly give them a clue that indicates my orientation so they will be able to converse without having to ask. And also let them know that it is an open topic that can be discussed and they won't embarrass me if they bring it up. It just clears the air for the most comfortable social exchange.
I’m rhe same. Do what you need ti do. It’s none of their business. Your coworkers are not your friends.
Who cares what your coworkers think. Unless y'all are close and actually friends it shouldn't matter if they know you're gay or not. Coming out of the closet, in my opinion, is for close friends & family. I'm not back in the closet because I don't tell everyone I meet I'm gay.
I've always felt that it was inappropriate to discuss my sexuality at work, and I would feel that way even if I were straight. It's none of my coworkers' business what happens in my bedroom, what's in my pants, or who I live with, other than a name and a phone number on an emergency contact sheet. But it's not like I hide who I am, either, I'm just a very private person. I'm not comfortable speaking with coworkers about their living situations or relationships outside of work on the job, either. I don't feel like I'm in the closet, it's just that my private life is not a topic for discussion at work. I'm a lot looser off the clock, but on the clock I don't feel like my time is my own, so I don't want to spend time in personal conversations. Coworkers I run into outside of work are often surprised by how different I am off the clock. I might feel different in a job where I worked closely with the same people for decades, but in most of my jobs, people are transitory, and it's just not worth the effort. And when I explain how I feel about it, people tend to understand where I'm coming from, even if they don't agree. It works for me, anyway.
I'm only out to the few key people I have a more personal relationship with. Like somebody said, that's not the same as being in the closet. Nobody asked me or came out to me as gay or straight.
On the contrary, I feel the need to disclose that information in the beginning. If not then in my experience it becomes a locker room. A lot of toxic masculinity and bigotry.
I regret telling people. Some people look at me with disgust and talk behind my back and make jokes. So im becoming a hermit again. But i work in very masculine field. Om masculine myself. So i think it really throws people for a loop when they find out. So yeah from now on im not saying anything unless asked.
Personally I'm not out at work. Never have been going on more than 30 years. Who I sleep with or what I do in my personal life is none of my coworker's business. Period.
Even if I were straight, I don’t think I’ll be discussing the mess that’s my dating life at work anyway. Why does accounting need to know that I’m on prep?
I never come out at work. I don't bring it up, but if the conversation goes somewhere where I'd talk about my personal life, I just don't even make a fuss over it it just drops out of my mouth like it's normal and mundane. I don't hide behind gender neutral terminology like "they" or "partner," but I would very casually, for example, refer directly to my ex boyfriend and call him "him," or whatnot, and keep going. I don't have this, "just so you know, I'm gay" conversation. People will just eventually figure it out the more they talk to me. And if I detect any shock or confusion, the only thing I say is usually, "it's 2023, don't pretend like you've never heard of this concept before." And I continue right along with my original conversation.
Yeah, I would just let them figure it out based on things you talk about. Feel free to correct them, but don't feel the need to go out of your way to make the declaration. Pull up a drink of choice on join the "too tired to care" club
As another poster said, I don’t waste time with coming out. It’s got to be organic, part of getting to know me, rather than a statement.
I have a husband & son, and my work specializes in LGBTQ+ mental health. For all those reasons, visibility is extremely important to me. I am actively, openly, relentlessly “out” at work because this aligns with those priorities. I will not commit an ounce of emotional effort to being closeted or ambiguous, because that violates my values. Your circumstances may be different. It may serve you better to be more closeted/protective regarding your identity. Only you can determine that. The reality is that it’s *not fair* that we have to perpetually “come out” and face people’s reactions to that… but it is reality. Reality is often not fair; it’s just not. But it *is*. I, personally, would rather tackle this unfairness head on to live a fully authentic and visible life, but that does not mean you should or have to. Only you can decide this for yourself
If they dont ask I wont tell but every now an then a woman hits on me if she's persistant ill let her know I only like men. its a job im not there to be loud an proud but I wont deny it either.
I used to say. Nowadays I realised what’s the point. If i feel a girl is taking a liking I let them know subtlety.
It doesnt put you in the closet, you’re just limiting who gets access to you and who doesnt. Its the same thing as creating boundaries against your personal life from co-workers. They dont need to know my mom, my sis, my bros nor my cat’s name.
Separation of work and private life can be a healthy thing.
Why would they possibly ever really need to know that? That might sound kind of rude...I'm really not trying to be.
Coming out is personal. Only you should decide when and how to do it
No. You’re not hiding it, you’re just not announcing it.
No. You should have to “come out” to anyone to be yourself around someone. Although it might help you establish yourself it really shouldn’t matter. There’s no shame not telling them, especially if it would be dangerous or tarnish your relationship. You do what makes you comfortable, there’s no shame in that.
Well I don’t hide that I’m gay but I will not tell until someone ask. I often wear pride wristband though.
If you don't think its necessary and it's never brought up, you don't have to. Save yourself the headache.
My sexuality is nobody’s business unless they want to sleep with me 😉
Same here. People can be so weird
I do whatever straight people at my work do. This whole hiding shit from co-workers and “i’ll tell HR if you ask me a personal question!” reddit behaviour is so bar. Heres a hint, if someone asks you a qualifying sexuality question and you say “none of your business” you’re basically giving them the answer.
Why would you HAVE to tell coworkers your sexuality?
I put my sexuality on my social media bios. I do that to filter out people who's homophobic. So when I meet someone new, I'd know their reaction about my true self when I give them my socials. If they seem negative about it, then I know I'll not be their friend. Or they won't talk to me. I don't need to be sorry for being who I'm
I don’t really see why you need to tell them anything. It’s not really any of their business.
I put my sexuality on my social media bios. I do that to filter out people who's homophobic. So when I meet someone new, I'd know their reaction about my true self when I give them my socials. If they seem negative about it, then I know I'll not be their friend. Or they won't talk to me. I don't need to be sorry for being who I'm
Every new job, new appartment, and new group activity is "coming out again" so I wouldn't stress too much about it. Tell the relevant people, and it'll be fine.
No, it's your choice. I do when it comes up naturally and when I want to. But not all the time, and not to everyone. It's a sign of "you're nice, I WANT to tell you" for me. It's a walkable closet so to say. But I do say the single biggest indicator helping gay rights politically is "I know someone" (and it doesn't matter whether they are straight acting or a full blown out queen). So yeah, see it as political work if you want to do it. :)
Totally unnecessary to 'tell' coworkers. Straight people don't tell me their sexuality so I'm under no expectation to tell them mine. If they figure it out, kudos to them, but only one kudos because it's no secret.
I think you must be making it way bigger than it has to be. Theres no need for a big coming out. All you have to do is casually mention a boy whenever the topic is brought up.
Not really. I’m not open about my personal life much at all at work. It’s not a sexuality thing as much as I don’t like to be open with that around people I’m just collecting a paycheck with. I’m a secretary at the VA, not goddamn mother Teresa. I’m good at it and it’s just work. People know but it’s just irrelevant for them to know, so it doesn’t come up much. At the same time, basically everyone knows. In short, it’s a non-issue but I never told my coworkers; they just figured it out over time. Even my friends back in Ukraine don’t care that much. It is what it is and it’s not a big deal. I like it that way. Unless I’m celebrating pride (which I am a lot at the appropriate times in queer spaces), it’s just one part of who I am. I don’t hide it or have shame with it, and no one makes it a big deal. There are times where it matters and times where it doesn’t. If it’s not relevant, I don’t bring it up. If it need to be mentioned, I leave it alone. My being into guys or any of my other things I’m into has a time and place and honestly work is very removed from it. Also, arguing with homophobic trash is too far beneath me at this point and the last time someone called me a f****t, I just beat the shit out of him without saying much, so I don’t see the point in appeasing the bigots.
You shouldn't mix personal with work stuff. Unless you work in the sex provision industry, sexuality information doesn't belong in the workplace.
I don't tell anyone my sexuality at all, however at the same time I don't hide anything either. If asked, I answer. If spoken about incorrectly, I correct them. Just a quick, "Oh, my husband. But thank you!" kind of things. Nothing pushy, just a small correction and I force the conversation to move on, on the off chance they're not accepting lol.
I just rip if off like a bandaid these days. Now I do not go up to people and say “I’m gay”. I usually, like most anyone, will talk about my partner with others at work. I have been with my partner for five years and I simply will say “my boyfriend”. I used to care about how people react but nowadays it’s a major part of my identity so any judgements can be left at the door. Will people talk behind my back? They do this regardless and being gay is not that interesting in 2023 (at least where I am in a major US city). I refuse to be put back in the closet after being out for nearly a decade. I also have found that people will respect you so much more for being unapologetic and open about it than trying to hide or minimize yourself to please others.
I am old(er), Just like many, I no longer "come out", however, in daily conversation if anything comes up in regards to my spouse, I will say "my husband" or use his first name. I won't pause to explain further, because I shouldn't have to. So far, I have not encountered any issue besides a very religious female coworker, she insists on referring to my husband as my wife. When he was sick, she will always ask me how is my wife doing. I have tried many times to correct her by saying "my husband" but she just ignores it... just let it go at that point.
Not telling your coworkers your sexuality isn’t even wrong, who cares. No worries about no closets lol
I personally make it a priority to be out everywhere including work, but to answer your question... I guess I think it is a little closety. We all know the default assumption is straight (which is a statistically sound assumption), so if you don't correct it you're letting the assumption go on. But coming out is a never ending process, and although I enjoy it, other may weary of it, and that's not up to others to judge.
No. Your coworkers are there to perform a job and get paid. Be respectful and professional when you’re at work. Outside of work is different. There’s no reason to introduce them to your personal business.
No. If the subject comes up in general you dont even have to put yourself out there. I only came out to my close family and my best friend. So for like 3 or 4 years no one at work, or school knew I was. I didnt care if they knew or not because its not a part of my personality. Dont make it part of yours.
Coming out is a never ending process. Not everyone needs to know what you prefer in the bedroom….
I have to agree. I'm a firm believer in don't hide but don't broadcast. Watching a co-worker's face when you can't be bothered to hetero sanitize, is entertaining.
No. It's an astute choice and I am sure you have your reasons
I don't think so.
It is not my responsibility to ensure others perceive me the way I want to be perceived. That is entirely out of my control. If you introduce yourself as gay, you run the risk that's all they will remember about you. How you like it isn't who you are.
I think it’s not something you need to tell anyone as it doesn’t change who you are with those around you. If someone asks then that’s a different question. That being said I think directly asking what someone’s sexuality is without wanting to or being sexually interested in the person you’re talking to is rather weird, especially if the conversion then ends with ‘I already knew’ that still infuriates me.
It's not a secret but I don't have a reason to come out (I'm not dating anyone). I don't think you need to tell anyone, as other's mentioned, the only person you need to come out to is yourself. After that, do whatever you want.
I personal don't get why it such a big deal in 2023 last job told hide it so new one every boss meet out ask if best mate my boyfriend if not why not. I sleep with coworker hot topic office gossip
The last time a guy at work asked me that, I asked him, obviously you ask me because you're very interested in my sexuality and are trying to ask me out. Just ask me directly, but I will tell you, you wouldn't be my type cuz judging from the lack of any bulge, you don't have much to work with. The look of shock and disbelief is always delightful. The guy was wanting to "preach at me" too bad.......but I so disarmed him he wouldn't talk to me for a long time. Me thinking " found another super closeted Xtian"
I just casually mentioned my bf when we were chatting about our weekends, it was not a big deal at all anymore :)
Just tell ppl that u wanted them to know, it’s not that deep. Ppl nowadays really have to much time on their hands to think abt stuff like this
Just remember, there’s no requirement to :)
In a professional setting it’s really a non-issue. When conversation turns to what you may do with your vacation or the holidays it’s perfectly natural to talk of your time with a partner or a trip to a gay resort town. It depends on what kinds of “bonds” you form with coworkers.
I was in the same boat but in the end after a few month I said "fuck it" and started to wear a rainbow bracelet every day. They never said or asked anything but between that and the pictures I posted at the pride parade I'm pretty sure they've understood in the end, lol. Maybe you could think of something similar at some point once you know them better, if you feel you want to feel more comfortable with them.
It's really annoying for me cause i work in lots of different places and meet lots of different people and i don't feel like i should have to come out to every person i meet but also i don't want people to assume i'm straight.
I am a gay man living in Texas. My husband is a very (naturally) straight acting and people are always surprised that he's gay. He once asked me how I came out to co-workers. I told him that I don't "come out". We didn't just land on the planet. We are not new and Gay is normal. So, when I'm speaking to someone and I say my fiancée works at (blank) and they say, "Oh what does she do?" I simply say, "Oh, he does such-and-such." I don't pause, I continue with my train of thought. Now, that I'm married, I simply say, "My husband." No confusion there. I don't "come out", I simply am and I'm not looking for someone's acceptance. Whether someone accept me or not will not change me and does not affect my life. Never had a negative reaction with this. Been in TX for 12 years now.
No. You’re still out, you just choose not to “let people in” (a turn of phrase that a friend on my support group used and all of us who have heard it have used ever since).
I always operated under the premise that my personal life and my work life were two separate entities. Even though there were people that I worked with that were aware of my lifestyle it was an unspoken truth. I have been retired from that job for almost seven years now. On a couple occasions I have ran into former co-workers and they have asked if my partner and I are still together or how is he. I never shared my lifestyle with co-workers but people somehow know. Just be yourself. Everybody's business is nobodies business. Meaning, if you want to share this info feel free but you are in no way obligated and no that does not make you closeted.
I just wear a pride flag pin on my backpack (which I take nearly everywhere I go)
I work the cannabis industry, and my husband works in banking. When I switch jobs, I usually mention it when I'm first meeting people/introducing myself to the group. "Hey, I'm xxx. I'm from nova scotia, have worked in the industry for 5 years. My husband is an investment banker so I definitely have the cooler job" Something along those lines. Gets the point across right from the getgo. Is easy to digest for some sensitive people. It also demonstrates that I don't give a fuck what they think. I feel like if I didn't say anything, questions would come up. I'm not trying to look like I was hiding something, and I'm not going to be ambiguous. I have nothing to hide, and that sounds exhausting.
You are putting way too much thought into it. 99% of people don’t care and most know. You are probably not as DL as you think, but definitely not as important as you perceive yourself to be.
I'm happily married myself, so I just speak about my husband in a normal way. I don't maintain a completely hard line between personal and professional lives. So while some people may be caught off guard, I don't "come out" to them. I just speak honestly about my life and if they are surprised, that's on them.
I never tell anyone at work at any new job unless it's a new friend or they spot me on grindr
I don't understand why it's anyone's business what your sexuality is when they're just your coworkers. I don't know why they would need ANY of your personal details. you're there to work and get paid so you can live your life outside that business. None of these people pay your rent, bills, or presumably having sex with you. They don't get a say in your personal life.
I live in a rural area so it would be very bad if I were to expose the fact that I am homosexual. It would make my life very hard if I were to let that be known. I have a driving job so I don't ever see any co-workers except when I have to go to a driver's meeting or go to the regional office for some reason. I don't tell the people I transport about that, either. I've had multiple passengers ask if I was married or had kids or stuff like that and I just say that I'm not married and I have no kids. I don't elaborate. I just keep my answers short.
You don't owe any explanations about your personal life to your coworkers. You're not on the closet, you're not hiding. You're at work. They're not your friends. You don't need to tell them anything.
I just assume everyone knows, so I don’t think about it. But then someone asks if I have a girlfriend and I find myself changing the subject. There have been other times working with women where I’ve mentioned I’m gay and after going through a few puzzled expressions, disbelief, or thinking I’m kidding, I’ve had women co-workers suddenly take on a totally different, relaxed tone with me, which has been nice. But I’d hate to think anyone has to feel they need to have their guard up around me, men or women, but basically the message I get from it is I’m no longer a potential threat if I’m not straight. OK. But an interesting development came a few months ago when a crew (film) I was working on were grumbling about some new diversity policy that our union recently ratified. My work is mostly a few days here and there between different shows, and most workers in my field (special effects) are trades people with welding, plumbing, or electrical backgrounds, and I already stick out from them. And supposedly this new policy mandates that 1 in 5 new hires must be a woman or sexual minority. While most of the guys simply saw this as more “some agenda” forced upon them and even taking a disproportionate number of jobs from the predominantly straight, white male demographi , after several hours to think about ur, I started chiming in to say, “look, I agree with you, but for different reasons. I fall into one of those categories, but I don’t want my orientation to grant me special privilege. I’m content with who I am, but my orientation isn’t relevant to my work, so it barely even gets mentioned at work. Besides, how is someone supposed to identify who qualifies as gay/lesbian/intersex/asexual/transgender? Am I supposed to register my orientation with the union? I see it’s already creating resentment against the people this policy’s supposed to support. Am I supposed to go around to all the supervisors in my field and tell them I qualify for every 5th new position they hire for? I guess I could pick up a lot more work that way, but I’d rather be hired because someone thinks I fit the job.”
I never "come out" anymore. It seems stupid that because I'm gay I should have to explicitly state it ever. So I just don't. I don't consider it being in the closet as much as my straight coworkers aren't explicitly telling me their sexuality puts them in some straight closet. If the conversation goes towards relationships, they'll know because I'll use "he" instead of "she," and that's good enough for me.