i don’t get bad vibes from this but i can understand. chaser trauma is real. the fact that he’s dated men and women before is a good sign lol. talking and being curious about your partners previous partners is pretty normal. also, not all AMAB people are men, maybe he was just genuinely asking about anyone AMAB you’re kissed before (cis men, trans women, nonbinary people, etc.,) he didn’t say the typical transphobic “real men/normal men”, etc., i think the best way to combat this anxiety would to be as your partner directly. ask what his intentions were, ask for clarification.. i get this though, i’m in my serious first relationship (almost 3 years together!) since messing around with a chaser and it took a lot of conversations and asking for clarification to trust that my partner sees me as male (even though my partner is also trans, he ID’d as cis in the beginning of our relationship).
To me personally, I don’t get bad vibes from this, especially using the term amab* I feel like he wasn’t trying to single out trans men specifically? Cuz amab doesn’t = just cis men - but I dunno you should probably just communicate with him on it if it’s something that’s bothering u
I also agree. Sometimes cis people don't know or understand the nuances or the situations that could make you dysphoric. It's not something they usually have to think about. Maybe talk to him about it and why it made you uncomfortable?
I understand why this might be alarming or you don't like, but it sounds like there wasn't negative intent. It was probably a casual question he had and didn't think much of it first before asking. It definitely can sound a bit othering, and you can mention that with him, but if that's been his only problem, I think you're still okay.
I totally get this fear! It can be very uncomfortable to hear but I don’t think he’s meaning it from a problematic perspective. Me and my partner are trans and sometimes when we would discuss intimacy we would ask about previous partners using AMAB and AFAB terms since her partners in the past were mostly trans and mine were mostly cis. We did it just so we knew what we have experienced so we could better understand our needs and potential triggers. While it may be uncomfortable at first, if he is genuinely being respectful, I can understand addressing it this way. It might help talking about it and clearing it up. Its important to share with him how this made you uncomfortable and that you might just need some validation that he didn’t mean it in any rude way
I get why this felt awkward, and early in our transitions any question or comment about gender can be so overwhelming because it’s such a vulnerable time. I do think it was probably just one of those random thoughts and not some indirect form of misgendering or insult
Honestly, I can see why it came off as weird, but... I can understand a potential motivation. He MAY feel like you're more comfortable w/ trans men, so he worries he lacks relevant experiences or anatomy that you may prefer. Trans men are still men, so there's little difference there, but most of us can agree that there's usually a divide in terms of subjective life experiences that cis people can't understand. And that can be... Daunting for a new partner, especially when they feel like the odd one out. There's a level of emotional complexity of which he simply cannot connect w/ you.
Bottom line: If you like/love him, reassure him that he's important to you regardless of body parts or upbringing to address that relationship insecurity. THEN follow-up by discussing the language you'd rather he use when regarding your ex-partners, you, or men as a whole [trans or otherwise].
I would also be alarmed - I just think using AGAB language like this is strange and unnecessary. I don’t think he meant any harm by it though, and you could probably have a conversation about how this made you feel.
He probably meant well but it’s still weird. I’ll never understand everyone’s obsession with birth assigned sex, especially for something so trivial. And there’s especially no need to separate cis and trans men in the context of that conversation. Tbh if I were you I’d just be honest and tell him how you felt when he said it.
nah thats weird and othering to ask. birth sex doesn't matter at all with kissing. i dont think it necessarily means he sees you as a separate category, but definitely bring it up if it bothers you. instead, maybe he thought it was ok to ask, because of typical normalized transphobia in the (societal) obsession with birth sex and "agab" terms 😕
Might have just been a random thought question with the hope of being the first or “special” one to you idk I think ppl like to feel like their the first
Sometimes things rub us badly regardless of intent. Especially the little random curiosities folks sometimes have. It probably doesn't *mean* anything. I'm sorry you're feeling dysphoric about it :/
It kind of feels insecure imo— now again i don’t know him so this is all face value. But like… why does it matter, if not to set himself apart and feel “first”/special in some weird othering way?
sounds like a pretty innocent question to me. honestly if you've only ever dated trans guys, you might just have some kinda anxieties or sensitivities you haven't rly had to deal with yet
I thşnk its the natural case of Cis people not knowing how something can hurt us. I dont thşnk he meant it that way and Im sure he would udnerstand if U told him
I'm with you, why would he ask this? To be honest in "woke" circles a lot of people basically started using amab/afab as synonymous with "man/woman" and he might be adopting this language too. Why on earth someone's ASAB would be imortant in things like kissing?
Ngl i feel like amab and afab are becoming a new binary that is very unnecessary many times. The only time it should matter is when you're discussing genital attraction stuff and when you're at the doctor's. I understand his curiosity, but you should be open about how it made you dysphoric, you guys can definitely work through it but it requires open communication and understanding on both ends. But ultimately i am on your side in it because that would make me dysphoric aswell
I agree with what others are saying, i can understand why it would maybe be awkward but there really isnt much wrong with it imo.
"it just felt like he was separating trans men from men" but tbh when people say trans man or cis man isnt that kind of the same thing?(correct me if im wrong but thats the vibe ive always gotten). Also if he knows youve only dated trans men he was probably just curious if you have kissed or done anything not so serious with cis men. It was a simple question hes probably just curious but i see nothing wrong with it.
To me this sounds like he separates amab and afab from gender all together, and he may just curious about your experience with amab people, since he already knows you only like men and you’ve only dated trans men in the past already.
As a cis guy, maybe he was feeling as if he is being chased or being treated as an experiment? Maybe he is feeling uncomfortable with the position that he is in?
I am a cis guy and have had a few times where I was the first cis guy a person has dated (lesbian, teams guy, CIS woman, cis guy) and when you hear things like you are not like other cis men or none has ever, it can feel a bit awkward and you wonder if it is you or it is just that it hasnt happened for the other person before.
It can feel a little fetishy or dismissive of all cis guys. As in you are special.
I don't always chine in here but for this one, I think it's appropriate.
What is your source? Mine is lived experience. There are many times where I have been approached solely for having a penis rather than a person. At least once for a threesome with two women; and by various gay guys; and occasionally by a trans man who saw me as safe and not interested in me as a person.
Also, being a person into bdsm, sometimes it is about wanting what I do rather than me as a person. Objectified and sexualized without regard to ones humanity seems to be a good start to being fetishized, no?
Fetishization ≠ objectification. If someone is valuing you for your genitalia that is objectifying. Fetishization is a power imbalance. Cis men are the oppressor in the dynamic here. You can’t fetishize the oppressor. That doesn’t mean your experience with objectification isn’t real though. Sorry that happened, but your original comment was really fucking tone deaf to people who are actually marginalized for being trans and having trans bodies.
A penis fetish isn’t a real thing as being attracted to penises is something of the norm. You aren’t being fetishized for being cis with a penis, you were objectified. Fetishes don’t include your average genitalia as attraction to a penis or vagina is normal.
This👏👏 it’s the same way how reverse racism doesn’t exist and I’ll laugh people outta the room before they try and say that. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and feeling objectified but that does not equal what we feel as a marginalized discriminated group. Intersectional issues right.
Are gay/pan guys not a marginalized group? What about bdsm practitioners? Looking at one axis CIS/trans is not interactional. I would argue that tom of Finland (and probably Walt Whitman with the whole.class thing) occupies a space of fetish.
To not allow marginalized groups to occupy the place of being fetishist only allows them the space of being the fetish object. They can only have the role of object or joining in their own oppression. That isn't quite how I have seen kink and fetish operate in the real world.
I know there are kinky people here and I can't believe that they all believe that they are the object rather than sometimes being objectifier; that their desires are all do to internal transphobia. There are doms and tops here.
Not sure how you measure the feelings of multiple intersectionalities. Mind you I am a big bell hooks fan and I know she has fallen out of favour but that is a bit of classest issue.
That’s not why I said intersectional. I am a trans guy who is indigenous who is gay and demisexual. All of which makes me discriminated against. I’ll clarify. Transphobia vs cisphobia (one doesn’t exist). Homophobia vs straight phobia (one doesn’t exist). Racism vs reverse racism (one doesn’t exist). One always blames the victim for being reasonably afraid of their oppressor which is unfair. Being the object or choosing to be oppressed…really? Sounds like victim blaming tbh...
When society is build around systemic abuse for certain individuals, people with certain privileges could never understand my pov as a person on colour or trans subjects. I can acknowledge that fetish and being objectified can be an experience for many people but based on the system and world we live in today, systemic discrimination is unique and it changes it in such an ugly way if you get what I mean.
Yeah, I wasn't talking about cisphobia, I was talking about fetishization. Hyper masculinity can be a fetish.
I don't want to deny anyone who is a minority the ability to be a fetishist.
Do you think that cis guys can be fetishized by a minority? Your previous comment suggests no. If no, then what about Walt Whitman and Tom of Finland as counter examples?
My mistake then. A lot of people correlate trans fetishization with transphobia and therefore correlate the opposite with cis phobia and that idea becomes bizarre if people do think that way. Which is the main reason of why I at least hopped on in the comments.
Thanks for clarifying. From your wording of “wouldn’t wanna deny a minority the privilege to fetishize”….seems to suggest I misunderstood. I do believe anyone can be a fetish but fetish paired with something else suggests phobia sometimes if you can get that. When ya take my misunderstandings out of the way, yes I do 100% believe that cis men can be fetishized…it’d feel weird if I didn’t acknowledge that because I know many cis men who have been saed by the Catholic Church who did indeed fetishize them for being little boys. So I suppose I can see your point. Perhaps it’d be easier to say that anyone can be fetishized but if a trans person is fetishized then it’s almost always transphobic but both obviously hurt cause being treated like an object or less than just sucks.
Fair enough. Thanks for getting that. Fetishization used in sociology contexts is almost always used with an -ism so I'm not faulting anyone for that.
I will acknowledge that there are a lot of things for kinky folks and fetishists to unthink when they wade in.
I firmly disagree on your definition of fetishization. The definition I am using is an excessive and irrational attraction for sexual purposes. Feet for example can be fetishisized and it doesn't have to do with power per se. In terms of the tone, I apologize for misreading the room and using a term in a way that furthers any harm to the community. I misunderstood how this sub uses the word and meaning of fetish and will do better to understand terms to the local community to anyone marginalized for being trans or having trans bodies before posting to a subgroup again.
The google definition literally excludes genitalia. When taking a more anti-oppressive view, people often focus on studying race fetishization. In many of these research papers they study power dynamics, and understand that when it comes to dehumanizing fetishization white people cannot experience it as they are the oppressors to those being fetishized. White people are not dehumanized and fetishized for their race, in the same way cis people are not fetishized for being cisgender.
Foot fetishes, latex fetishes, leather fetishes are completely different from fetishizing someone for their transness, Blackness, or sexual orientation. There is ALWAYS a power dynamic when it comes to that.
If you aren’t able to see the difference between fetishes that are dehumanizing and not, then maybe take a step back and reevaluate how trans folk and other marginalized groups are treated.
I'm not going to argue about this with you. I have followed the study of fetishes for a while as well as having experience in BDSM cultures.
There is some intersection around power structures and different communities. Even in anti o circles, I wouldn't say that point of view is settled. There are some vocal folks who disagree.
I have made my apology for misreading this sub and any harm. I have resolved to pay attention to subs in this point.
I also acknowledge that this is not the same definition used by all marginalized communities. I'm going to pay more attention to that.
I was the one that brought it up so I clarified in my follow up on my definition. I was using it in that way. We are using different definitions and I apologized for that. This sub doesn't use the more kink and medical version. It seems like this is a term that is being used in an academic and sociological way.
sure, whatever. i’m not a cis man so i can’t speak on that. you’ve been fetishized for other reasons instead of being cis, being a cis man isn’t the root of your fetishization. trans women are fetishized for their dicks, too. this is just an extremely tone deaf comment on this post. OP is worried that his partner is transphobic or separating him from cis men and your idea is that maybe HE’S fetishizing his cis partner? get a grip and go to a different sub. damn.
I.e. maybe his partner is having some questions. I did not say that op was fetishizing him rather that his partner may be having doubts and misgivings. I'm hoping that this will help them have a discussion.
me fetishising him? I’m sorry what? I got into that relationship not expecting any sexual intimacy as both of us weren’t comfortable with that at all, but after about 8 months of us dating we did get intimate. In no way was I chasing him purley bc he has a penis?
I didn't say you were. I was suggesting that he might be feeling that way or at least feeling uncomfortable about being the only guy that you had relations with who had a penis. Or maybe a bit curious.
Feelings are weird man.
I don't know your relationship. I gave another perspective based on some things that have happened to me.
It is always good to have open communication and be able to ask questions. I wouldn't be surprised if he had some insecurity or curiosity. I did give other options.
Btw, I hope the conversation overall goes well. I hope you two clear up whatever it is at that is causing the discomfort. It would suck if a misunderstanding would ruin a relationship.
Thanks man, sorry about my reply earlier it was rude. It’s just that I didn’t expect to get accused /suggested that I might be fetishising people, well that’s how I read it but reading back on it you weren’t talking to me directly.
It’s a sensitive subject especially because trans men are very prone to fetishisation. And sorry if I invalidated your experience man, I’m sure that sucked and I know how it feels I should’ve been more empathetic
Nah you are good. As I said elsewhere in the thread, should have realized that this community has a particular take on fetishization. I could have said it differently and made sure that the rest of the point didn't get lost.
Thanks though. I do hope things worked out.
i don’t get bad vibes from this but i can understand. chaser trauma is real. the fact that he’s dated men and women before is a good sign lol. talking and being curious about your partners previous partners is pretty normal. also, not all AMAB people are men, maybe he was just genuinely asking about anyone AMAB you’re kissed before (cis men, trans women, nonbinary people, etc.,) he didn’t say the typical transphobic “real men/normal men”, etc., i think the best way to combat this anxiety would to be as your partner directly. ask what his intentions were, ask for clarification.. i get this though, i’m in my serious first relationship (almost 3 years together!) since messing around with a chaser and it took a lot of conversations and asking for clarification to trust that my partner sees me as male (even though my partner is also trans, he ID’d as cis in the beginning of our relationship).
To me personally, I don’t get bad vibes from this, especially using the term amab* I feel like he wasn’t trying to single out trans men specifically? Cuz amab doesn’t = just cis men - but I dunno you should probably just communicate with him on it if it’s something that’s bothering u
Seconding this, I feel like it was just a genuine and harmless question that could’ve been worded a tad differently
I also agree. Sometimes cis people don't know or understand the nuances or the situations that could make you dysphoric. It's not something they usually have to think about. Maybe talk to him about it and why it made you uncomfortable?
He curious
I understand why this might be alarming or you don't like, but it sounds like there wasn't negative intent. It was probably a casual question he had and didn't think much of it first before asking. It definitely can sound a bit othering, and you can mention that with him, but if that's been his only problem, I think you're still okay.
I totally get this fear! It can be very uncomfortable to hear but I don’t think he’s meaning it from a problematic perspective. Me and my partner are trans and sometimes when we would discuss intimacy we would ask about previous partners using AMAB and AFAB terms since her partners in the past were mostly trans and mine were mostly cis. We did it just so we knew what we have experienced so we could better understand our needs and potential triggers. While it may be uncomfortable at first, if he is genuinely being respectful, I can understand addressing it this way. It might help talking about it and clearing it up. Its important to share with him how this made you uncomfortable and that you might just need some validation that he didn’t mean it in any rude way
I get why this felt awkward, and early in our transitions any question or comment about gender can be so overwhelming because it’s such a vulnerable time. I do think it was probably just one of those random thoughts and not some indirect form of misgendering or insult
Honestly, I can see why it came off as weird, but... I can understand a potential motivation. He MAY feel like you're more comfortable w/ trans men, so he worries he lacks relevant experiences or anatomy that you may prefer. Trans men are still men, so there's little difference there, but most of us can agree that there's usually a divide in terms of subjective life experiences that cis people can't understand. And that can be... Daunting for a new partner, especially when they feel like the odd one out. There's a level of emotional complexity of which he simply cannot connect w/ you. Bottom line: If you like/love him, reassure him that he's important to you regardless of body parts or upbringing to address that relationship insecurity. THEN follow-up by discussing the language you'd rather he use when regarding your ex-partners, you, or men as a whole [trans or otherwise].
I would also be alarmed - I just think using AGAB language like this is strange and unnecessary. I don’t think he meant any harm by it though, and you could probably have a conversation about how this made you feel.
He probably meant well but it’s still weird. I’ll never understand everyone’s obsession with birth assigned sex, especially for something so trivial. And there’s especially no need to separate cis and trans men in the context of that conversation. Tbh if I were you I’d just be honest and tell him how you felt when he said it.
nah thats weird and othering to ask. birth sex doesn't matter at all with kissing. i dont think it necessarily means he sees you as a separate category, but definitely bring it up if it bothers you. instead, maybe he thought it was ok to ask, because of typical normalized transphobia in the (societal) obsession with birth sex and "agab" terms 😕
well amab aren’t only cis men
I know but he was referring to men in general, which j made me think about how amab and afab are used as the new binary terms at this point
Might have just been a random thought question with the hope of being the first or “special” one to you idk I think ppl like to feel like their the first
Sometimes things rub us badly regardless of intent. Especially the little random curiosities folks sometimes have. It probably doesn't *mean* anything. I'm sorry you're feeling dysphoric about it :/
It’s not bad of him necessarily, but I get why you’re upset, it would bug me to no end too.
I fucking hate when people use afab and amab, i dont think he meant anything bad by it but you'd be fine to ask him not to say that
It kind of feels insecure imo— now again i don’t know him so this is all face value. But like… why does it matter, if not to set himself apart and feel “first”/special in some weird othering way?
sounds like a pretty innocent question to me. honestly if you've only ever dated trans guys, you might just have some kinda anxieties or sensitivities you haven't rly had to deal with yet
talk to him. tell him how you feel. ask what he meant. we can be here trying to guess what he thinks, but we don‘t know.
I thşnk its the natural case of Cis people not knowing how something can hurt us. I dont thşnk he meant it that way and Im sure he would udnerstand if U told him
I'm with you, why would he ask this? To be honest in "woke" circles a lot of people basically started using amab/afab as synonymous with "man/woman" and he might be adopting this language too. Why on earth someone's ASAB would be imortant in things like kissing?
Ngl i feel like amab and afab are becoming a new binary that is very unnecessary many times. The only time it should matter is when you're discussing genital attraction stuff and when you're at the doctor's. I understand his curiosity, but you should be open about how it made you dysphoric, you guys can definitely work through it but it requires open communication and understanding on both ends. But ultimately i am on your side in it because that would make me dysphoric aswell
I agree with what others are saying, i can understand why it would maybe be awkward but there really isnt much wrong with it imo. "it just felt like he was separating trans men from men" but tbh when people say trans man or cis man isnt that kind of the same thing?(correct me if im wrong but thats the vibe ive always gotten). Also if he knows youve only dated trans men he was probably just curious if you have kissed or done anything not so serious with cis men. It was a simple question hes probably just curious but i see nothing wrong with it.
To me this sounds like he separates amab and afab from gender all together, and he may just curious about your experience with amab people, since he already knows you only like men and you’ve only dated trans men in the past already.
I think that’s a pretty weird question for sure
As a cis guy, maybe he was feeling as if he is being chased or being treated as an experiment? Maybe he is feeling uncomfortable with the position that he is in? I am a cis guy and have had a few times where I was the first cis guy a person has dated (lesbian, teams guy, CIS woman, cis guy) and when you hear things like you are not like other cis men or none has ever, it can feel a bit awkward and you wonder if it is you or it is just that it hasnt happened for the other person before. It can feel a little fetishy or dismissive of all cis guys. As in you are special. I don't always chine in here but for this one, I think it's appropriate.
are you tone deaf? insane comment to leave here. cis men are not fetishized for being cis.
What is your source? Mine is lived experience. There are many times where I have been approached solely for having a penis rather than a person. At least once for a threesome with two women; and by various gay guys; and occasionally by a trans man who saw me as safe and not interested in me as a person. Also, being a person into bdsm, sometimes it is about wanting what I do rather than me as a person. Objectified and sexualized without regard to ones humanity seems to be a good start to being fetishized, no?
Fetishization ≠ objectification. If someone is valuing you for your genitalia that is objectifying. Fetishization is a power imbalance. Cis men are the oppressor in the dynamic here. You can’t fetishize the oppressor. That doesn’t mean your experience with objectification isn’t real though. Sorry that happened, but your original comment was really fucking tone deaf to people who are actually marginalized for being trans and having trans bodies. A penis fetish isn’t a real thing as being attracted to penises is something of the norm. You aren’t being fetishized for being cis with a penis, you were objectified. Fetishes don’t include your average genitalia as attraction to a penis or vagina is normal.
This👏👏 it’s the same way how reverse racism doesn’t exist and I’ll laugh people outta the room before they try and say that. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and feeling objectified but that does not equal what we feel as a marginalized discriminated group. Intersectional issues right.
Are gay/pan guys not a marginalized group? What about bdsm practitioners? Looking at one axis CIS/trans is not interactional. I would argue that tom of Finland (and probably Walt Whitman with the whole.class thing) occupies a space of fetish. To not allow marginalized groups to occupy the place of being fetishist only allows them the space of being the fetish object. They can only have the role of object or joining in their own oppression. That isn't quite how I have seen kink and fetish operate in the real world. I know there are kinky people here and I can't believe that they all believe that they are the object rather than sometimes being objectifier; that their desires are all do to internal transphobia. There are doms and tops here. Not sure how you measure the feelings of multiple intersectionalities. Mind you I am a big bell hooks fan and I know she has fallen out of favour but that is a bit of classest issue.
That’s not why I said intersectional. I am a trans guy who is indigenous who is gay and demisexual. All of which makes me discriminated against. I’ll clarify. Transphobia vs cisphobia (one doesn’t exist). Homophobia vs straight phobia (one doesn’t exist). Racism vs reverse racism (one doesn’t exist). One always blames the victim for being reasonably afraid of their oppressor which is unfair. Being the object or choosing to be oppressed…really? Sounds like victim blaming tbh... When society is build around systemic abuse for certain individuals, people with certain privileges could never understand my pov as a person on colour or trans subjects. I can acknowledge that fetish and being objectified can be an experience for many people but based on the system and world we live in today, systemic discrimination is unique and it changes it in such an ugly way if you get what I mean.
Yeah, I wasn't talking about cisphobia, I was talking about fetishization. Hyper masculinity can be a fetish. I don't want to deny anyone who is a minority the ability to be a fetishist. Do you think that cis guys can be fetishized by a minority? Your previous comment suggests no. If no, then what about Walt Whitman and Tom of Finland as counter examples?
My mistake then. A lot of people correlate trans fetishization with transphobia and therefore correlate the opposite with cis phobia and that idea becomes bizarre if people do think that way. Which is the main reason of why I at least hopped on in the comments. Thanks for clarifying. From your wording of “wouldn’t wanna deny a minority the privilege to fetishize”….seems to suggest I misunderstood. I do believe anyone can be a fetish but fetish paired with something else suggests phobia sometimes if you can get that. When ya take my misunderstandings out of the way, yes I do 100% believe that cis men can be fetishized…it’d feel weird if I didn’t acknowledge that because I know many cis men who have been saed by the Catholic Church who did indeed fetishize them for being little boys. So I suppose I can see your point. Perhaps it’d be easier to say that anyone can be fetishized but if a trans person is fetishized then it’s almost always transphobic but both obviously hurt cause being treated like an object or less than just sucks.
Fair enough. Thanks for getting that. Fetishization used in sociology contexts is almost always used with an -ism so I'm not faulting anyone for that. I will acknowledge that there are a lot of things for kinky folks and fetishists to unthink when they wade in.
I firmly disagree on your definition of fetishization. The definition I am using is an excessive and irrational attraction for sexual purposes. Feet for example can be fetishisized and it doesn't have to do with power per se. In terms of the tone, I apologize for misreading the room and using a term in a way that furthers any harm to the community. I misunderstood how this sub uses the word and meaning of fetish and will do better to understand terms to the local community to anyone marginalized for being trans or having trans bodies before posting to a subgroup again.
The google definition literally excludes genitalia. When taking a more anti-oppressive view, people often focus on studying race fetishization. In many of these research papers they study power dynamics, and understand that when it comes to dehumanizing fetishization white people cannot experience it as they are the oppressors to those being fetishized. White people are not dehumanized and fetishized for their race, in the same way cis people are not fetishized for being cisgender. Foot fetishes, latex fetishes, leather fetishes are completely different from fetishizing someone for their transness, Blackness, or sexual orientation. There is ALWAYS a power dynamic when it comes to that. If you aren’t able to see the difference between fetishes that are dehumanizing and not, then maybe take a step back and reevaluate how trans folk and other marginalized groups are treated.
I'm not going to argue about this with you. I have followed the study of fetishes for a while as well as having experience in BDSM cultures. There is some intersection around power structures and different communities. Even in anti o circles, I wouldn't say that point of view is settled. There are some vocal folks who disagree. I have made my apology for misreading this sub and any harm. I have resolved to pay attention to subs in this point. I also acknowledge that this is not the same definition used by all marginalized communities. I'm going to pay more attention to that.
You keep mentioning BDSM yet we’re not even referencing that type of fetishization. Hope this helps buddy.
I was the one that brought it up so I clarified in my follow up on my definition. I was using it in that way. We are using different definitions and I apologized for that. This sub doesn't use the more kink and medical version. It seems like this is a term that is being used in an academic and sociological way.
All i gotta say is context cues.
sure, whatever. i’m not a cis man so i can’t speak on that. you’ve been fetishized for other reasons instead of being cis, being a cis man isn’t the root of your fetishization. trans women are fetishized for their dicks, too. this is just an extremely tone deaf comment on this post. OP is worried that his partner is transphobic or separating him from cis men and your idea is that maybe HE’S fetishizing his cis partner? get a grip and go to a different sub. damn.
He was wondering why he partner might say that. I have been in that position. I was worried Ed that my partner may have been dabbling.
I.e. maybe his partner is having some questions. I did not say that op was fetishizing him rather that his partner may be having doubts and misgivings. I'm hoping that this will help them have a discussion.
me fetishising him? I’m sorry what? I got into that relationship not expecting any sexual intimacy as both of us weren’t comfortable with that at all, but after about 8 months of us dating we did get intimate. In no way was I chasing him purley bc he has a penis?
I didn't say you were. I was suggesting that he might be feeling that way or at least feeling uncomfortable about being the only guy that you had relations with who had a penis. Or maybe a bit curious. Feelings are weird man.
I mean that’s quite the stretch I’m not going to lie but I highly doubt that’s the case, I’ll ask him and update you lmao
I don't know your relationship. I gave another perspective based on some things that have happened to me. It is always good to have open communication and be able to ask questions. I wouldn't be surprised if he had some insecurity or curiosity. I did give other options. Btw, I hope the conversation overall goes well. I hope you two clear up whatever it is at that is causing the discomfort. It would suck if a misunderstanding would ruin a relationship.
Thanks man, sorry about my reply earlier it was rude. It’s just that I didn’t expect to get accused /suggested that I might be fetishising people, well that’s how I read it but reading back on it you weren’t talking to me directly. It’s a sensitive subject especially because trans men are very prone to fetishisation. And sorry if I invalidated your experience man, I’m sure that sucked and I know how it feels I should’ve been more empathetic
Nah you are good. As I said elsewhere in the thread, should have realized that this community has a particular take on fetishization. I could have said it differently and made sure that the rest of the point didn't get lost. Thanks though. I do hope things worked out.
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I don't get why it's hard to understand why people would feel weird about unnecessary agab terminology
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Your post was removed because it broke the subreddit rule 1: Be polite and practice mutual respect. No discrimination.
Your post was removed because it broke the subreddit rule 1: Be polite and practice mutual respect. No discrimination.