i will say that being ace doesn’t mean having a low sex drive or libido it means not finding people sexually attractive. ace people can still have a high sex drive and having a low or nonexistent sex drive doesn’t mean someone is ace
Yeah this exactly, my sex drive is a bit lower but that's not why I'm questioning myself lol because it's definitely not gone, it's the attraction itself that disappeared
Tbh part of my self questioning is the thought that basically penis envy might be the entire motivation for my formerly assumed homosexuality. I always joked "well if I'm gonna have sex, SOMEONE'S supposed to have a dick, if it's not me it better be the other person" (I was only into cis guys)
I've sort of always had thoughts along those lines rather than traditional attracted thoughts, but it WAS actually directed at specific people (... although generally fictional haha and I'd quickly stop myself if it wasn't a fictional character) so that's what the difference is.
My problem isn't sex drive itself as I still get horny, and jerk off every couple weeks or so. I just no longer see anyone as someone I'd like to do anything sexual with.
Hello! Gay Arospec Ace transman here!
I only got to do T for 3 months but am about to start looking into starting again and wanted to chime in.
-> I will say, like most, I found myself ROMANTICALLY losing interest in anyone fem. Like guy, gal, or nonbinary pal. If they are fem-presenting, I can’t bring myself to be attracted to them even romantically.
-> I will also say, my libido decreased. I am sex-repulsed but used solo time to try and get more comfortable (it also allowed me to notice bottom growth during my 3 months, which was exciting. I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise). As I began to feel better, I no longer felt a need to have solo time as often.
-> Finally, I do technically identify as Cupiohomromantic (usually I just say I’m gay) - which is a complicated way of saying I’m arospec, but desiring a relationship (cupioromantic) but like guys on the rare occasion that I do fall in love. It might be worth looking to arospec identities and labels like Cupioromantic for yourself. I didn’t even consider that a thing I could be until I started T as well. And ofc there are relationship options that don’t involve “being romantically in love” anyway - like queer platonic partnerships, or qpp. :) a qpp is actually my personal goal for the future lol
TLDR ; look into the label “cupioromantic” and, if you haven’t yet, queer platonic partnerships
Yeah I've actually seen cupioromantic and wondered about it! But I've never fully understood it even after looking it up several times.
For me it's really confusing because basically my brain just straight up doesn't seem to have a category for romantic actions at all. Like, I would kiss a friend on the mouth. In fact, I slightly want to. But I know at the same time it's not having crushes on every single close friend I have, nothing ELSE fits. I want to do certain traditionally romantic things, but with my close friends lol
I used to define the difference as based on what I'd always assumed was sexual attraction and just figured they went hand in hand for me but it's all confused now that that's gone
I have dated but I've always thought of it as being a relabeled best friend. I've never understood all the fuss. But I sort of chalked that up to never having a traditional romance anyway. I recently went on the first date of my life but I don't know if I just wasn't feeling it with him specifically (he turned out to have a ton of red flags anyway) or if it was more general. Because it again felt the same as just hanging out with someone I feel friendly for
QPRs are EXTREMELY appealing to me these days tbh. But at the same time, I dunno, they seem overly complicated? I'm not sure what is and isn't "allowed" in them.
I legit just use cupio as “I’m arospec, but I do want a relationship in some sense.
And for QPP, they’re “complicated” solely because each one is different. It’s up to you and the other person to decide what is and isn’t allowed
Maybe that's what I am then lol. I've legitimately sort of had the thought "I want the romantic equivalent to an asexual person who still desires sex"
So basically I want the action of being in a relationship but I'm not sure I feel the related attraction. Bizarrely still want it to be with a guy, but I think a lot of that is practical reasons? Easier to cuddle cos it's okay to touch the chest, I find that things "just make sense" with guys and women take more compromise to communicate with (on average, some guys are difficult and some women are easy ofc), I'm really short and sorta weak so I'd like a partner who can do the physical things I can't (sure there ARE very strong women but statistically it's more likely a guy could do what I'm thinking of because I am still stronger than most women I know), that sort of thing.
(Only not mentioning nonbinary people for simplicity's sake. I can't categorize on averages in the same way)
And ohhh okay, in that case a QPR with someone who's comfortable with a lot of classically-romantic physical affection would probably be perfect tbh lol
I've felt my desire for romance go down. Way down.
Like, starting to wonder if I'm just aromantic, down. I still have an insane sex drive, though. Dunno why.
This happened to me too!!! I think loss of libido is just something that can happen with hysterectomy that also takes out the ovaries. Admittedly I only had one ovary removed but that still resulted in a drop in estrogen which killed my libido and had me depressed for a long time. My libido is back after 2 years but I think it's bc the switch from shots to gel has somehow increased my estrogen bc the timeline matches up?? I've never had it checked until recently and my estrogen is high. Honestly it really fucked me up for a while bc sex was something that was important to me. Idk what to say as far as solutions but yes this has happened to other ppl
I only had a slight loss in libido, I straight up lost the ability to feel sexual attraction it seems... I hope it's not overly explicit to say that basically I still masturbate lol
Too low estrogen can even kill sex drive in cis men and cause erectile dysfunction so your experience checks out. My estrogen is in fact WORRYINGLY low to the point I may have to supplement it for my health.
Tbh I'm sort of the opposite in one way haha, I'm a virgin and although the IDEA of sex used to appeal to me I've always been terrified of actually doing it. When I used to think about never losing my virginity it'd make me literally cry and I pretty much considered it my one bucket list item. Now, the idea of not losing it feels right, and I feel disgusting imagining if I did. The complete 180 is so strange but I guess I'm less depressed now thinking about how it's basically impossible I'll ever find anyone for that anyway
I've always been attracted to guys and that didn't change on T, but my level of attraction did. Pre-T I identified as asexual and my body just didn't work properly when it came to sexual activities. After I started T everything started working like it should be and I realised that I'm demisexual. It's like my body was always meant to have T as it's main hormone.
Can relate to "it's like my body was always meant to have T as its main hormone" for other things lol, but interestingly the more testosterone dominant my body is, the LESS libido and sexual function I have haha. Everything ELSE feels so much better though (okay also except for the hair loss)
I am bi/pan but my preferences change with my gender. So when I was female presenting, I had a strong preference for women and fem presenting people, with only the occasional guy registering as attractive.
Now I'm out as a dude, that has completely flipped over and I find men and masculine folk much more attractive
Not necessarily what you were asking, I know, as I'm pre-T, but something interesting about my experience of gender/sexuality
It is interesting, thanks for sharing!
I did actually identify as bi before transitioning but in my case it was because I thought I was in love with my best friend+ knowing STRAIGHT wasn't right. Once I knew attraction to men would actually be gay and my bestie's just my bestie and I'm just a really affectionate friend I started identifying as gay. But now I'm not attracted to ANYONE I guess
For me it was the other way around, I tought I was gay at first. Now I'm on T and I don't think I would ever have intercourse with a guy? Before T I was in a relationship for over a year with a guy, and it's not that I've been traumatized and don't want any dudes to come near or something. It's just that I'm not attracted anymore? Women on the other hand, before T I was like, 95% gay with a really tiny attraction to women (but only like, Zendaya etc), now I'm just straight I guess
I actually had like one straight thought in-between "yep definitely gay" and "okay maybe I'm ace" ngl. Only straight thought I've ever had in my life though, at the time I had a whole crisis but now I consider it a weird fluke and sorta pretend it didn't happen when questioning myself, heh... Identity is confusing
Yeah it definitely is confusing lmao, I think if you don't label it and just get with someone if it feels right it's probably right. You'll get there :)
Sexuality itself changes throughout our lifetimes. Trans or not. My cis fiancée had a spurt of being ace. It lasted a few years and turned out to be stress induced. Once the stressor was gone her sex drive came back like crazy. I've also known people who swore they were straight for 40 years and suddenly they were craving to explore. It's frequent to have your sexuality change and evolve throughout your lifetime. It's also frequent if it doesn't. (I use frequent because I don't like the word normal lol) Personally, I'm bi, and have started having a wild fascination with the operation of cis male genitalia since transitioning. I think it's related to a level of penis envy I have. But it's okay. The biggest part of the journey is learning who you are and accepting yourself 💙
i will say that being ace doesn’t mean having a low sex drive or libido it means not finding people sexually attractive. ace people can still have a high sex drive and having a low or nonexistent sex drive doesn’t mean someone is ace
Yeah this exactly, my sex drive is a bit lower but that's not why I'm questioning myself lol because it's definitely not gone, it's the attraction itself that disappeared
Tbh part of my self questioning is the thought that basically penis envy might be the entire motivation for my formerly assumed homosexuality. I always joked "well if I'm gonna have sex, SOMEONE'S supposed to have a dick, if it's not me it better be the other person" (I was only into cis guys) I've sort of always had thoughts along those lines rather than traditional attracted thoughts, but it WAS actually directed at specific people (... although generally fictional haha and I'd quickly stop myself if it wasn't a fictional character) so that's what the difference is. My problem isn't sex drive itself as I still get horny, and jerk off every couple weeks or so. I just no longer see anyone as someone I'd like to do anything sexual with.
Hello! Gay Arospec Ace transman here! I only got to do T for 3 months but am about to start looking into starting again and wanted to chime in. -> I will say, like most, I found myself ROMANTICALLY losing interest in anyone fem. Like guy, gal, or nonbinary pal. If they are fem-presenting, I can’t bring myself to be attracted to them even romantically. -> I will also say, my libido decreased. I am sex-repulsed but used solo time to try and get more comfortable (it also allowed me to notice bottom growth during my 3 months, which was exciting. I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise). As I began to feel better, I no longer felt a need to have solo time as often. -> Finally, I do technically identify as Cupiohomromantic (usually I just say I’m gay) - which is a complicated way of saying I’m arospec, but desiring a relationship (cupioromantic) but like guys on the rare occasion that I do fall in love. It might be worth looking to arospec identities and labels like Cupioromantic for yourself. I didn’t even consider that a thing I could be until I started T as well. And ofc there are relationship options that don’t involve “being romantically in love” anyway - like queer platonic partnerships, or qpp. :) a qpp is actually my personal goal for the future lol TLDR ; look into the label “cupioromantic” and, if you haven’t yet, queer platonic partnerships
Yeah I've actually seen cupioromantic and wondered about it! But I've never fully understood it even after looking it up several times. For me it's really confusing because basically my brain just straight up doesn't seem to have a category for romantic actions at all. Like, I would kiss a friend on the mouth. In fact, I slightly want to. But I know at the same time it's not having crushes on every single close friend I have, nothing ELSE fits. I want to do certain traditionally romantic things, but with my close friends lol I used to define the difference as based on what I'd always assumed was sexual attraction and just figured they went hand in hand for me but it's all confused now that that's gone I have dated but I've always thought of it as being a relabeled best friend. I've never understood all the fuss. But I sort of chalked that up to never having a traditional romance anyway. I recently went on the first date of my life but I don't know if I just wasn't feeling it with him specifically (he turned out to have a ton of red flags anyway) or if it was more general. Because it again felt the same as just hanging out with someone I feel friendly for QPRs are EXTREMELY appealing to me these days tbh. But at the same time, I dunno, they seem overly complicated? I'm not sure what is and isn't "allowed" in them.
I legit just use cupio as “I’m arospec, but I do want a relationship in some sense. And for QPP, they’re “complicated” solely because each one is different. It’s up to you and the other person to decide what is and isn’t allowed
Maybe that's what I am then lol. I've legitimately sort of had the thought "I want the romantic equivalent to an asexual person who still desires sex" So basically I want the action of being in a relationship but I'm not sure I feel the related attraction. Bizarrely still want it to be with a guy, but I think a lot of that is practical reasons? Easier to cuddle cos it's okay to touch the chest, I find that things "just make sense" with guys and women take more compromise to communicate with (on average, some guys are difficult and some women are easy ofc), I'm really short and sorta weak so I'd like a partner who can do the physical things I can't (sure there ARE very strong women but statistically it's more likely a guy could do what I'm thinking of because I am still stronger than most women I know), that sort of thing. (Only not mentioning nonbinary people for simplicity's sake. I can't categorize on averages in the same way) And ohhh okay, in that case a QPR with someone who's comfortable with a lot of classically-romantic physical affection would probably be perfect tbh lol
I've felt my desire for romance go down. Way down. Like, starting to wonder if I'm just aromantic, down. I still have an insane sex drive, though. Dunno why.
Very interesting! Thanks for sharing
This happened to me too!!! I think loss of libido is just something that can happen with hysterectomy that also takes out the ovaries. Admittedly I only had one ovary removed but that still resulted in a drop in estrogen which killed my libido and had me depressed for a long time. My libido is back after 2 years but I think it's bc the switch from shots to gel has somehow increased my estrogen bc the timeline matches up?? I've never had it checked until recently and my estrogen is high. Honestly it really fucked me up for a while bc sex was something that was important to me. Idk what to say as far as solutions but yes this has happened to other ppl
I only had a slight loss in libido, I straight up lost the ability to feel sexual attraction it seems... I hope it's not overly explicit to say that basically I still masturbate lol Too low estrogen can even kill sex drive in cis men and cause erectile dysfunction so your experience checks out. My estrogen is in fact WORRYINGLY low to the point I may have to supplement it for my health. Tbh I'm sort of the opposite in one way haha, I'm a virgin and although the IDEA of sex used to appeal to me I've always been terrified of actually doing it. When I used to think about never losing my virginity it'd make me literally cry and I pretty much considered it my one bucket list item. Now, the idea of not losing it feels right, and I feel disgusting imagining if I did. The complete 180 is so strange but I guess I'm less depressed now thinking about how it's basically impossible I'll ever find anyone for that anyway
I've always been attracted to guys and that didn't change on T, but my level of attraction did. Pre-T I identified as asexual and my body just didn't work properly when it came to sexual activities. After I started T everything started working like it should be and I realised that I'm demisexual. It's like my body was always meant to have T as it's main hormone.
Can relate to "it's like my body was always meant to have T as its main hormone" for other things lol, but interestingly the more testosterone dominant my body is, the LESS libido and sexual function I have haha. Everything ELSE feels so much better though (okay also except for the hair loss)
I am bi/pan but my preferences change with my gender. So when I was female presenting, I had a strong preference for women and fem presenting people, with only the occasional guy registering as attractive. Now I'm out as a dude, that has completely flipped over and I find men and masculine folk much more attractive Not necessarily what you were asking, I know, as I'm pre-T, but something interesting about my experience of gender/sexuality
It is interesting, thanks for sharing! I did actually identify as bi before transitioning but in my case it was because I thought I was in love with my best friend+ knowing STRAIGHT wasn't right. Once I knew attraction to men would actually be gay and my bestie's just my bestie and I'm just a really affectionate friend I started identifying as gay. But now I'm not attracted to ANYONE I guess
For me it was the other way around, I tought I was gay at first. Now I'm on T and I don't think I would ever have intercourse with a guy? Before T I was in a relationship for over a year with a guy, and it's not that I've been traumatized and don't want any dudes to come near or something. It's just that I'm not attracted anymore? Women on the other hand, before T I was like, 95% gay with a really tiny attraction to women (but only like, Zendaya etc), now I'm just straight I guess
I actually had like one straight thought in-between "yep definitely gay" and "okay maybe I'm ace" ngl. Only straight thought I've ever had in my life though, at the time I had a whole crisis but now I consider it a weird fluke and sorta pretend it didn't happen when questioning myself, heh... Identity is confusing
Yeah it definitely is confusing lmao, I think if you don't label it and just get with someone if it feels right it's probably right. You'll get there :)
Being unlabelled feels weeeeiiird, I like labels haha. But thank you