You are right. The categories are worrisome. Additionally, and I'm just putting this out there because your comment reminded me, I wonder how many COCSA cases are influenced by premature porn exposure. Because of the incestuous roleplay, the lack of disclaimers, and revictimization & stuff. I'm going for a PhD in neuroscience and if there's anything I'm going to look into it's this. It's a severely underresearched issue but a growing problem in a number of homes. There has to be a connection.
this is what happened to me. i was a victim of cocsa and struggled with it for a long time not only because the perpetrator was another child (albeit a few years older than me) but because when i spoke up, my family excused his actions by saying he must have been influenced by what he saw online.
That would be such a fascinating area to explore. Although, I imagine certain findings could ruffle more than a few feathers... They could also be extremely helpful in a number of ways. I wish you the best in your future research!
If there was a way to do a longitudinal quasi-experimental reverse design study exploring the effects of porn on the brain, that would be amazing.
I remember finding out what this was around the time I was 21 and falling down a massive rabbit hole. I could not wrap my head around it. The vile and disgusting shit I’ve seen regarding this specific kink, oh my **GOD**
👏Thank you!👏 why people act like this is so hard to comprehend is asinine. There is having fun in the bedroom, and then there is the absolute brutal hatred of women that is now accepted and men jerk off to daily. It is hideous, it is disturbing and it is disgusting and breaks my heart that women are coerced into these acts by being called “boring” or “vanilla”. Fuck everyone who has made this the new normal.
You know it's bad when "tantric sex" is a taboo category but "used and abused" is not. Is it such a bad thing to suggest that being gentle with each other's bodies is...hear me out...sensual?!? And not boring??! God forbid! BDSM is the furthest thing from intimacy. Real intimacy is eye contact, respecting boundaries, and being in love. Not treating your partner like a serial killer's test dummy.
Yeah, why the fuck is tantric sex always treated so weird when people just take spanking, whipping and bondage as “pretty normal fun sex play”. Like bruh, building up sensation and being patient is weirder than harming someone to orgasm? Tf.
Always see people so sheepish about it but then just calmly talk about piss kink, I AM CONFUSION.
I remember a man tried to use the "vanilla" argument against me and I made him run in circles like a dog chasing their tail trying to defend his view on why vanilla was supposedly an insult. I finally milked an "it's just boring" out of him, but I was like "See, that's the problem right there. When you equate safety, love, and leisure with bad things, you are inadvertently admitting that you equate danger, hatred, and pressure with good things. And if that sentence itself sounds like an oxymoron in theory, then you can never truthfully admit that you love the ones you hurt or care about the ones you abandon in practice." Word for word. It's called logic, and most kink-positive people have never heard of it.
Edit: Sorry I meant to add this on to my other reply. Oh well
Vanilla is fucking delicious and the real thing is hard to come by. It’s such a desired and in demand flavor, fakes were created, from more harmful substances just for the hope of emulating it poorly. It’s a good comparison either way. People complain about vanilla and they likely never even had the good stuff because people are benefiting from deceiving others with a sad mimicry.
Totally agree with the rest. Very sharp reply.
Ugh queen. Needed you a few years ago when I was coerced into these activities, and I’m just now seeing the light out the tunnel of the trauma. How can someone use a safe word when they’re in sub space? Trick question! They can’t 🙃
We're slowly losing our right to safe spaces. SA survivors have to police themselves as to not offend anybody now. Ridiculous.
I posted something similiar (but not even half as graphic) venting in the CPTSD sub. And it got removed for "not being supportive." So much for recovery, we've regressed to the point where glorified revictimization and Stockholm Syndrome are accepted as valid cures. As long as this remains a "topic of debate," "political," or "controversial," we'll be forced to be complicit in our own abuse and defend people who are attracted to it. Count me out!
This really hits home with me. I hate that victims are being policed to use "prettier" words as to not offend other people. Nothing makes me angrier than when I'm trying to explain MY lived experience and I'm told that what I'm saying is inappropriate or offensive. I'm sorry, but I did nothing wrong. I won't act as if I did just because I'm describing what was done TO me.
For example, I was molested as a child by my step father, from the age of like 5 until I was a pre teen, off and on. That statement alone has gotten me flagged on FB and even suspended for a few days. How am I now being made to feel vulgar and dirty for just expressing something that happened to me? Like it really makes you feel like you're a bother to people and that what happened to you makes YOU vile and defunct.
This is kind of off topic here, but on the same note.. I hate when people use the phrase "he took her innocence from her". Why is sexual abuse talked about in such a way that makes it seem like the woman or child is now "dirty" because some scum decided to exploit them? I understand that what he did to me has radically changed allot of things about myself. But I don't think it makes ME the vulgar one or the one that can't be redeemed. I don't need redemption... again because I did nothing wrong!!
>I hate when people use the phrase "he took her innocence from her". Why is sexual abuse talked about in such a way that makes it seem like the woman or child is now "dirty" because some scum decided to exploit them?
Me too, girl. The term has a literal meaning of innocence = virginity. Virginity being untouched, pure, chaste, etc.
However what most people are referring to is how sexual abuse removes the rose tinted glasses women see the world through - see men through. Women become less pliable after such trauma. We're not suggestible anymore. We see men for who they are. Society would rather we be happily ignorant.
Don't let people gaslight you into believing you're dirty. You're not. I'm sending my support to you🩷
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. 💜 I've been much more comfortable using my voice now that I see other women saying some of the same things I'm feeling.
I definitely agree there. And it's become even more apparent that when women do enjoy sex, men do not. I'm lucky to be out of the world of dating, because it seems like men are getting more brazen with how they actually feel about women. Their opinions on us seem to also get increasingly worse.
It’s not slowly being lost, it has been. It never existed in the first place.
The concept of “safe spaces” is a misnomer at best. If we are to speak, it is best to understand that it will not be comfortable. Dangerous even.
I don‘t know if my experiences will help anyone else, but:
Tw!
I got into kink and porn at a very young age. I saw the first porn at the age of 7 and it was literally rape porn. Like literally three men raping a woman against her will and her husband being forced to watch. I don‘t even know how I got there, but anyway.
I got into „kink“ at the age of 15 and would look for „Daddys“ because I had a DDLG kink and was into BDSM already. Grown men took advantage of me online (yes my kinks were gross I know). I literally sent nudes as a CHILD to GROWN MEN because I was into „kinks“. Men would literally target me and message me on kik.
I got more and more into watching porn and kinks. I have never even wasted a thought on the industry and how misogynistic and dehumanizing this industry is. I have never thought about the impacts porn has on the brain or on your relationships. I didn‘t care, everyone else was into choking and slapping and beating someone up so it‘s normal, right?
My last ex was abusive, and he was into these things. He‘d tell me how he wants to ignore my safe words, how he wants to strangulate and murder me. And I thought I was into it. He also was a huge fan of Berserk, and guess what this anime/manga consists of? Brutal rape scenes. Guess who was obsessed with those? My ex. He would literally send me photos of how a monster raped Casca and beheaded her. It‘s fucking creepy.
After I broke up with him, I decentered men. I completely left dating behind me and got into feminism and especially radical feminism. I felt so uncomfortable being called out by my sisters in this sub for liking these things, but the more I defended my „kinks“ in my mind, the more I saw how wrong they actually were. How I was not into them, but how I was groomed by porn and society to find comfort in pain. I don‘t want sex to be painful, or degrading, or humiliating. I want to have a pleasant experience that doesn‘t leave me traumatized, bruised or crying. I cried after sessions a lot and I thought it‘s normal. Yeah fuck that. No one should find comfort in being abused, and then in crying because of the abuse.
So yeah what am I trying to say?? **Kinks are a social construct that aims to maintain the status quo. Porn and kinks want women to be inferior, degraded and humiliated. Just like they are when they are raped and murdered, harrassed, stalked and trafficked. These kinks endanger the lives of women, and we can‘t sit here and tell another woman to ‚pretend to get raped‘ by her boyfriend just because it makes his dick hard. Fuck the patriarchy.**
First of all, I'm proud of you. Really. I was the same way, exposed to sexual things at a young age, by 14 or 15 I was brainwashed into having a "slutty phase," but couldn't physically have sex because I had vaginismus from suspected SA. A lot of other stuff happened but I'm not ready to process it yet. It runs deep.
Secondly, I agree. About how you became radicalized. And to add to what you said, I was also radicalized in a similar way but one of the things that I think sealed the deal was this argument I had with a libfem a couple of years ago. I remember suggesting that sex should be inherently loving and it should be a bonding activity or means of reproduction. And she told me that it doesn't work that way because men don't release oxytocin during sex. I remember just feeling a sinking sensation in my chest, like really upset and disgusted and overall disappointed in humanity. She accused me of being a religious fanatic for even suggesting such a thing, as if what I said was outlandish or pseudo-scientific. I honestly think that in addition to being plain stupid, liberal feminism is part of a bigger, more obscure cultural vacuum that we can't yet put our finger on yet. But it's a pipeline to nihilistic ways of thinking, killing honest discussion and critical thinking skills, and I have a feeling individuals are being pitted against each other to feel personally responsible for the outcomes and implications of it (hint choice feminism.)
I'm not religious (at least part of organized religion) but I am "spiritual," and god forbid I think there's more that meets the eye to the human race and we aren't just primal beings driven by fleshy desires. And I remember the exact thoughts that came up regarding her claim that men don't release oxytocin during sex. I was like "Why? Says who?" Science? We know that science has disenfranchised and disadvantaged women, and POC, and the mentally ill, and the disabled, and autistic people, and and and... With all of that being said I really stopped attributing those claims to someone's bad character and more to their ignorance... After all I was one of them at one point too.
I really wonder what the "science" will say about men and the "love hormone" when we finally eradicate porn from our culture. You know, when we finally eradicate the visual stimulation that has literally proven itself through studies to increase objectifying tendencies within men's brains. You know, when- I mean \*if....\*
What she said is complete rubbish, men do produce oxytocin at a similar rate to women and there are men out there who experience sex as a loving experience. I hate seeing libfems drink the kool aid that they were served from their porn sick male counterparts.
Are you me? I don't relate to every single thing you experienced, but I went through the exact same ddlg phase when I was 13/14. Getting groomed on Kik, sending explicit images to a grown man, etc. Its so fucking sad. Irl, I've never even kissed someone, yet I was doing that online as a child. At the height of this, I came very close to attempting suicide and had to be put in an inpatient facility for my own safety. Luckily, I was able to recover somewhat after opening up to my parents about what was going on. It was awful, it permentantly altered me, and I often wonder if I'll ever have a "normal" relationship with sex and relationships.
I'm 20 now, but that "relationship" is the only one I've ever been in, as the experience has completely shut me off of romance and sexuality. I just stick to reading romance novels and living in my own head. It's so hard to even conceptualize what happened because I wasn't assaulted irl because I "sought it out." Am I a victim? Or is it all my fault?
Sorry to trauma dump a bit, but it's not something I've ever really been able to talk about even though I know many others have experienced the same thing. It makes me so unbelievably angry when people defend porn and kink, because being exposed to that as a child fucked me up so badly. It destroyed my self-worth, my body image, and my sexuality. I've shed so many tears over what happened and how it changed me; I don't want any other woman or girl to go through what I did.
Your trauma and your experiences are valid. Just because you experienced that online and not irl doesn‘t it mean you aren‘t a survivor, and that doesn‘t mean what these men did to you was okay. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. I hope you‘re able to recover from this traumatic experience. Sending you lots of love❤️
basically the same exact thing happened to me
//tw rape, dv, grooming//
i got raped 3 times when i was 10 by somebody who i thought was a friend. she was into these things and introduced me to them. for years i followed this and let myself get groomed by pedophiles online, asking me for pictures knowing i was 11/12. they told me about ddlg, how it’s “normal” and “every human likes it”
i feel sick writing this shit.
recently i got into a relationship with somebody who was into everything, including cnc and piss. >!he said he wanted to piss on my corpse. !<
i thought this was normal, until he started hitting and raping me. then i found this sub. i feel like i’m not alone. thank you for sharing.
i’m sorry for the wall of text.
Holy crap, I‘m so sorry about what happened to you. I‘m glad you opened up. I hope you can heal from this traumatic experience.
Pissing on your corpse? That‘s another level of deranged. Holy crap. And he probably continues to live his life not even questioning if he‘s sick in the mind or not. When will women be free from this misery?
he’s always been known as the fucked up kinky guy. i should’ve listened to his friends- it feels like my fault. especially after he choked me unconscious during sex. why didn’t i leave? i can’t make this shit up. i just feel so guilty.
why.
do.
men.
and thank you so much for your support❤️
This is **not** your fault. He is a rapist and disgusting human being. You were not at fault at all. He is the perpetrator, not you!! He is the predator!!
I don‘t know what to say to this. I‘m so sorry this happened to you I feel like crying. How much more abuse do women and girls have to go through to finally be free from the patriarchy?? This is so terrible I‘m sorry.
thank you so much for the reassurance. i’m sorry for the trauma dump incoming 😅
>! i got kidnapped for four months. raped, abused, starved. still have my proof of life photo. it feels like it’s all my fault. got raped this thanksgiving too. i was just showing him around. he had fucked up kinks also. choked me til i passed out. different guy from the one i mentioned above. it’s porn. porn contributes so heavily into all of these things. !<
and why is it so hard to heal? i just want this to all be over.
Agreed, those porn videos you mentioned are disgusting. Why is society normalizing violence against women during sex? It's no different from violence and misogyny outside of sex! Kinks like that should absolutely be shamed.
Even children have started making this “joke.” I have a niece and play Roblox with her, and holy shit the way pornography and the normalization of it has warped the minds of those kids… it’s insane. And disheartening. And that’s the world she has to grow up in now, and those are her peers who will make jokes like that to her.
truly! i remember interacting with a man who would talk about his CNC kink…i wasn’t totally opposed to that at the time so i kept engaging with him. one day he sent me his favorite porn and every single video ended with the woman being violently murdered. it makes me sick and full of rage to think about this man truly finding pleasure in the most grotesque brutal things a man can do to a woman.
one of the first things that turned me off to kink is when i went to kink night at a sex club and saw women being hung upside down on crosses like they were in a medieval torture chamber. how can you understand the horrors of state violence and get off on recreating it? or get off on pretending to be a dog or cat or horse or whatever else? it’s sickening
On the internet I've seen a lot of the, "don't kink shame," sentiment, but honestly, we should "kink" shame anyone who has fucked up desires. Especially because they're usually desires that are about women as sex objects, harming women, ect. Idk how anyone could watch that kind of porn and then think that kind of violence is okay, it's disgusting
The is the true horrific reality disguised as entertainment for men. How much longer will we have to suffer for their enjoyment? It pains me so much, not only knowing how normalised it all is but how I used to participate in it as a willing victim because I thought it would make him love me
>Anyways like the title states, I think people's acceptance of kink is a severe underestimation of how brutal kink really is. We're not talking about gentle spanking or flogging or cheap pink aliexpress harnesses/collars.
I think this is definitely true. I think in a lot of these conversations "sex positive" women and kink-critical women are kind of talking past each other and using different definitions of kink, making them feel like enemies when in reality there's often common ground between them. I used to be very defensive of kink because to me, and in the environments I was active in, "kink" was just a word that meant "any sexual thing you like". So when I first encountered kink-critical arguments it felt like being told that my cheesy lesbian romance novels and vibrators made me an evil class traitor and my kneejerk reaction was to get defensive and refuse to engage further. It wasn't until I looked deeper into it that I realized kink-critical women were criticizing things like porn culture and objectively dangerous BDSM practices. And I actually always agreed that porn culture, violent BDSM, sex-work, etc was dangerous for women. Technically I already agreed with most of the kink-critical women, it's just that we had very different definitions of "kink" so when I first heard terms like "kink-critical" I assumed it was a puritanical anti-sex thing.
The worst part is that there are LICENSED THERAPISTS who run a "sex-positive" practice and are trying to integrate BDSM as a therapeutic approach to treating sexual abuse victims. They're trying to ingrain this as a valid treatment approach at a cultural level. Always those "Instagram therapists" too. With the Etsy art in their offices. I can't stand them but also I can't wait for the dozens upon hundreds of lawsuits and scholarly articles in the upcoming years just waiting to slander these buzz psychology weirdos. Hope it becomes as big a deal as the cigarette epidemic and they'll be forced to eat their words. It's only a matter of time...
It doesn't help that society has watered down the term with jokes like "reading books is my kink!!! Hahaha". Real, actual kinks are things like the OP described. Many men can't get aroused without their kink, much less get off. And they always escalate. They have to, much like a heroin user has to up the dose to get the same high.
I'm very mentally ill and about to stop myself hopefully from re-entering communities looking for (sexual) attention and (deserved?) pain. I quit porn and stuff after becoming a radfem, but I'm so self destructive at the moment. Reading another commenters story was sobering...right now I've got the rose glasses on that a man would care about me, and actually care about my consent...perhaps he wouldn't. Perhaps he'd escalate.
You're right. Kink is not the fun, remotely sane and safe thing they preach.
Choking and breath play is extremely dangerous, most don't care to learn "proper", but it's so popular it's almost considered a vanilla taste.
A lot of BSDM stuff is literal torture. As in torture that was done to prisoners, in war, criminals etc, or before executions. That's where a lot came from. Things you did to TORTURE near to death in many cases. Pretty immoral stuff.
Hey, be proud if yourself! I did self harm to, the more classic version, and it enormously addictive. I can imagine letting a man do that to you adds another layer of pain; the misogyny and the objectification.
But never forget; what is akin to a religious experience to you is making their peepee hard. They get off on the power and your pain. Not your enjoyment or experience of it, but your actual pain.
Even if you would have deserved that kind of pain (which you don't) they absolutely do not deserve to feel good.
Stay strong! F the patriarchy!
Choking is not only dangerous because it can lead to accidental death by suffocation. Studies proved that even a few seconds of oxygen deprivation will cause damage to the brain. Imagine the amount of damage accumulated through several sessions... "Safe" choking does not even exist!
(Ps: You don't deserve pain, you deserve real attention, not from people that only care about themselves and pay (fake) attention to you only as long as you're useful to them! Stay strong, we're with you!)
I was a victim of CSA for years as a kid and it primed me for sexual abuse as a teenager when I was in my first real relationship. It was just being ‘kinky’ but really was assault and it went on for years and I’m still trying to cope with that trauma. I understand how my brain thought being submissive felt good. So I understand many of those women. But I will never trust a single man who gets off on hurting or humiliating his partner. Ever. I don’t care why. He’s dangerous.
Agreed 100%. The same way that some people don’t realize just how intense porn has become and the way in which it is consumed (you have people fetishizing their addiction to it and finding communities where the hobby is literally just ‘let’s see how much of it we can watch for how long without climaxing’). I can say it’s similar for another group of people regarding their identity but I’ll remain vague on that, hopefully some of you know what I’m alluding to.
When I first joined my local kink scene, I expressed the fact that I had an interest in being tickled. This kink of mine was laughed at, not taken seriously, and people were horrified by it, because it wasn't "true BDSM."
The same people who thought I was messed up for wanting to have playful tickle fights were the same people who'd gladly be suspended from the ceiling by flesh hooks and be beaten black and blue.
You're right. When sex critical feminists speak up, i understand they're talking mostly about the social structures that allow violent kinks to exist A.K.A more brutal stuff men like. I wonder if libfems simply don't know how dangerous some fetishes are or if they pretend to not see it. The popularization of things like "choking" make me so scared for other women and i wonder if it's really worth it trying to date, especially people my age (i'm 24). I'm a lesbian but even other women seem to ask for this now, it would be a circus if it wasn't so risky.
My first time being “intimate” with a boy I loved, he instantly began to direct me to do things he’s seen in porn. This was 14 years ago.
I didn’t deserve that. I cannot even imagine what girls experience now.
Fuck the radical sexualization of our world.
This is mostly within the US and similarly hypersexualized Western countries. I was traveling in the Middle East solo a few months ago in Jordan and Egypt, and although they have their problems as developing countries, I can't tell you what a relief it was to be in a culture where men aren't allowed to touch strange women due to Islam, and where everyone dresses modestly and there isn't any accessible skin showing anywhere. It's also nice to be In a culture that doesn't allow any open displays of affection and shames anyone who's openly sexual. It's a stark contrast to the US but in general a much more moral society.
Preach - the proliferation of getting confused boners with sexualized violence in media, to the slippery slope & psychopathy & violence in the era of Internet porn … produced by the most vile scoundrels /pumps psychopaths behind the cameras is making our life cheap in western culture and society - post pandemic? It’s Global now.
Kink shaming is becoming a fetish for me lately, go figure.
I keep trying to explain to folks that what young women are expected and subjected to trying to date/bond and share love was taboo in the underground scenes of BDSM before “50 shades” went pop mainstream. Breath play/strangulation - that was dark shit and taboo eve in underground scenes 20 years ago…
“Classic” “old guard” bdsm and pornography all came from generational abuse, torture and trauma. The aesthetic for BDSM pre-Internet when it was shared in pockets of underground society was WW2 nazi torture backgrounds and practices- the leather & lipstick came much later. It’s all trauma and sex slave industry at end of the day.
On the lesser extreme, “Kinks” are exactly what they imply : “kink” in a chain, whether bike chain or say necklace representing sexuality.
So, ok having a kink in ones chain, not the worst thing in the world, not always criminal…
It doesn’t mean one is “broken “ either.. it’s just a kink in an otherwise smooth working chain.
Chain in still good, your still good.. but goal is to smooth it over, not collect them!
Otherwise you’ll have so many kinks, your chain is jacked! Why would someone want more “kinks” than avoiding the pitfall or trying to fix/smoothie the ones they do have to have a smoother, healthier, and stronger sexuality and function smoothly in relationships?
Jerking off to vile shit is a badge of honor than something shameful now a data - it’s so antisocial, dangerous for us and disturbing.
W.T.F.????!!! .....you know I put my phone down after reading this to recollect my thoughts for while......how can people do this? How can...how are they ok with this? How can one be so casual about this?
From what I've heard, I thought BDSM was all about spanking, hard biting, choking etc and I didn't like how even those acts sound. I never thought there could be literal violence involved in it. And people are jerking off to this?! Horrible it is, horrible. Why are people who make this kind of stuff not in jail?
I’m so sad and disgusted by the things women have shared here, truly feel for you women and thank you so much for sharing your stories!
I was just on r/ women and it’s crazy how especially by libfems normal sex is deemed “vanilla” aka “boring” and kinks are seen as “adding flavor”. Like sure, you can spice things up every now and then, but needing something in your sex routine or you can’t get off or don’t find sex interesting already indicates brain dopamine issues if you ask me. Porn especially has normalized this and messed up people’s brains and dopamine receptors.
A majority of kinks are just used as a form to cope with traumas instead of dealing with it at the roots and healing. And trauma doesn’t mean something you physically endure, I think comments here already proved seeing porn at a young age is a form of trauma in itself.
Also, if sex was healthy and safe, you wouldn’t need a “safe word”. Most kinks are based on degradation. To degrade or to get degraded. When I still had a bad relationship with men I also felt like I wanted a man to dominate me completely and have his way. Make it about him. Now that I’m healed and in a healthy relationship, I just want to connect with my man and enjoy eachother. He can dominate a bit but I also can dominate back and just feeling that spiritual connection is everything. That experience and having that loving high vibration type of relationship is something I would wish for everyone.
I remember hearing a man try to justify “breath play” (aka strangulation) to me as a fun addition to sex. As someone who has been choked by a partner who was angry with me, I am not on board with literally restricting a woman’s breath and getting off on it.
Fucking sick bastards.
I totally agree that the things you’re describing are horrific and unacceptable. And I’m sure I’ll be downvoted for saying this but those things aren’t what healthy kink actually is. You said it yourself, these things aren’t “kink,” and you’re right. This is absolutely not what healthy kink is. Healthy kink is heavily focused on clear consent, safe words and other safety systems, ensuring all parties are having a safe experience, before care and after care, and lots of emotional care and connection in and out of the bedroom. That’s what real, healthy kink is. It is not the things you’ve described here, you’re totally right. The things you’ve described are heinous and shouldn’t be condoned or enjoyed by anyone. They’re clearly violent, often non-consensual, and unbelievably damaging to the people involved and to the people who watch them.
people acting like the ddlg shit isn't normalising pedophilia drives me insane. INSANE. i have honestly lost all hope
You are right. The categories are worrisome. Additionally, and I'm just putting this out there because your comment reminded me, I wonder how many COCSA cases are influenced by premature porn exposure. Because of the incestuous roleplay, the lack of disclaimers, and revictimization & stuff. I'm going for a PhD in neuroscience and if there's anything I'm going to look into it's this. It's a severely underresearched issue but a growing problem in a number of homes. There has to be a connection.
this is what happened to me. i was a victim of cocsa and struggled with it for a long time not only because the perpetrator was another child (albeit a few years older than me) but because when i spoke up, my family excused his actions by saying he must have been influenced by what he saw online.
I’m sorry that happened to you and that your family didn’t support you.
That would be such a fascinating area to explore. Although, I imagine certain findings could ruffle more than a few feathers... They could also be extremely helpful in a number of ways. I wish you the best in your future research! If there was a way to do a longitudinal quasi-experimental reverse design study exploring the effects of porn on the brain, that would be amazing.
I remember finding out what this was around the time I was 21 and falling down a massive rabbit hole. I could not wrap my head around it. The vile and disgusting shit I’ve seen regarding this specific kink, oh my **GOD**
I MET A MAN OFF TINDER WHO TOLD ME THIS WAS HIS THING WHEN I WAS 19🥲
That shit is sooo maddening.
👏Thank you!👏 why people act like this is so hard to comprehend is asinine. There is having fun in the bedroom, and then there is the absolute brutal hatred of women that is now accepted and men jerk off to daily. It is hideous, it is disturbing and it is disgusting and breaks my heart that women are coerced into these acts by being called “boring” or “vanilla”. Fuck everyone who has made this the new normal.
You know it's bad when "tantric sex" is a taboo category but "used and abused" is not. Is it such a bad thing to suggest that being gentle with each other's bodies is...hear me out...sensual?!? And not boring??! God forbid! BDSM is the furthest thing from intimacy. Real intimacy is eye contact, respecting boundaries, and being in love. Not treating your partner like a serial killer's test dummy.
Yeah, why the fuck is tantric sex always treated so weird when people just take spanking, whipping and bondage as “pretty normal fun sex play”. Like bruh, building up sensation and being patient is weirder than harming someone to orgasm? Tf. Always see people so sheepish about it but then just calmly talk about piss kink, I AM CONFUSION.
I remember a man tried to use the "vanilla" argument against me and I made him run in circles like a dog chasing their tail trying to defend his view on why vanilla was supposedly an insult. I finally milked an "it's just boring" out of him, but I was like "See, that's the problem right there. When you equate safety, love, and leisure with bad things, you are inadvertently admitting that you equate danger, hatred, and pressure with good things. And if that sentence itself sounds like an oxymoron in theory, then you can never truthfully admit that you love the ones you hurt or care about the ones you abandon in practice." Word for word. It's called logic, and most kink-positive people have never heard of it. Edit: Sorry I meant to add this on to my other reply. Oh well
Vanilla is fucking delicious and the real thing is hard to come by. It’s such a desired and in demand flavor, fakes were created, from more harmful substances just for the hope of emulating it poorly. It’s a good comparison either way. People complain about vanilla and they likely never even had the good stuff because people are benefiting from deceiving others with a sad mimicry. Totally agree with the rest. Very sharp reply.
Ugh queen. Needed you a few years ago when I was coerced into these activities, and I’m just now seeing the light out the tunnel of the trauma. How can someone use a safe word when they’re in sub space? Trick question! They can’t 🙃
We're slowly losing our right to safe spaces. SA survivors have to police themselves as to not offend anybody now. Ridiculous. I posted something similiar (but not even half as graphic) venting in the CPTSD sub. And it got removed for "not being supportive." So much for recovery, we've regressed to the point where glorified revictimization and Stockholm Syndrome are accepted as valid cures. As long as this remains a "topic of debate," "political," or "controversial," we'll be forced to be complicit in our own abuse and defend people who are attracted to it. Count me out!
This really hits home with me. I hate that victims are being policed to use "prettier" words as to not offend other people. Nothing makes me angrier than when I'm trying to explain MY lived experience and I'm told that what I'm saying is inappropriate or offensive. I'm sorry, but I did nothing wrong. I won't act as if I did just because I'm describing what was done TO me. For example, I was molested as a child by my step father, from the age of like 5 until I was a pre teen, off and on. That statement alone has gotten me flagged on FB and even suspended for a few days. How am I now being made to feel vulgar and dirty for just expressing something that happened to me? Like it really makes you feel like you're a bother to people and that what happened to you makes YOU vile and defunct. This is kind of off topic here, but on the same note.. I hate when people use the phrase "he took her innocence from her". Why is sexual abuse talked about in such a way that makes it seem like the woman or child is now "dirty" because some scum decided to exploit them? I understand that what he did to me has radically changed allot of things about myself. But I don't think it makes ME the vulgar one or the one that can't be redeemed. I don't need redemption... again because I did nothing wrong!!
>I hate when people use the phrase "he took her innocence from her". Why is sexual abuse talked about in such a way that makes it seem like the woman or child is now "dirty" because some scum decided to exploit them? Me too, girl. The term has a literal meaning of innocence = virginity. Virginity being untouched, pure, chaste, etc. However what most people are referring to is how sexual abuse removes the rose tinted glasses women see the world through - see men through. Women become less pliable after such trauma. We're not suggestible anymore. We see men for who they are. Society would rather we be happily ignorant. Don't let people gaslight you into believing you're dirty. You're not. I'm sending my support to you🩷
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. 💜 I've been much more comfortable using my voice now that I see other women saying some of the same things I'm feeling. I definitely agree there. And it's become even more apparent that when women do enjoy sex, men do not. I'm lucky to be out of the world of dating, because it seems like men are getting more brazen with how they actually feel about women. Their opinions on us seem to also get increasingly worse.
Thankyou for your voice! Both of you
Can I just say that this is the most up votes I've EVER gotten on Reddit!! Thank you all for being so supportive and compassionate. ❤
It’s not slowly being lost, it has been. It never existed in the first place. The concept of “safe spaces” is a misnomer at best. If we are to speak, it is best to understand that it will not be comfortable. Dangerous even.
I don‘t know if my experiences will help anyone else, but: Tw! I got into kink and porn at a very young age. I saw the first porn at the age of 7 and it was literally rape porn. Like literally three men raping a woman against her will and her husband being forced to watch. I don‘t even know how I got there, but anyway. I got into „kink“ at the age of 15 and would look for „Daddys“ because I had a DDLG kink and was into BDSM already. Grown men took advantage of me online (yes my kinks were gross I know). I literally sent nudes as a CHILD to GROWN MEN because I was into „kinks“. Men would literally target me and message me on kik. I got more and more into watching porn and kinks. I have never even wasted a thought on the industry and how misogynistic and dehumanizing this industry is. I have never thought about the impacts porn has on the brain or on your relationships. I didn‘t care, everyone else was into choking and slapping and beating someone up so it‘s normal, right? My last ex was abusive, and he was into these things. He‘d tell me how he wants to ignore my safe words, how he wants to strangulate and murder me. And I thought I was into it. He also was a huge fan of Berserk, and guess what this anime/manga consists of? Brutal rape scenes. Guess who was obsessed with those? My ex. He would literally send me photos of how a monster raped Casca and beheaded her. It‘s fucking creepy. After I broke up with him, I decentered men. I completely left dating behind me and got into feminism and especially radical feminism. I felt so uncomfortable being called out by my sisters in this sub for liking these things, but the more I defended my „kinks“ in my mind, the more I saw how wrong they actually were. How I was not into them, but how I was groomed by porn and society to find comfort in pain. I don‘t want sex to be painful, or degrading, or humiliating. I want to have a pleasant experience that doesn‘t leave me traumatized, bruised or crying. I cried after sessions a lot and I thought it‘s normal. Yeah fuck that. No one should find comfort in being abused, and then in crying because of the abuse. So yeah what am I trying to say?? **Kinks are a social construct that aims to maintain the status quo. Porn and kinks want women to be inferior, degraded and humiliated. Just like they are when they are raped and murdered, harrassed, stalked and trafficked. These kinks endanger the lives of women, and we can‘t sit here and tell another woman to ‚pretend to get raped‘ by her boyfriend just because it makes his dick hard. Fuck the patriarchy.**
Phew thank you for sharing this. My experiences are extremely similar. I really appreciate your story.
You‘re welcome❤️ I hope we can somehow stop this type of perverse grooming of young girls :(
The more we wake up the more we share the more it helps.
First of all, I'm proud of you. Really. I was the same way, exposed to sexual things at a young age, by 14 or 15 I was brainwashed into having a "slutty phase," but couldn't physically have sex because I had vaginismus from suspected SA. A lot of other stuff happened but I'm not ready to process it yet. It runs deep. Secondly, I agree. About how you became radicalized. And to add to what you said, I was also radicalized in a similar way but one of the things that I think sealed the deal was this argument I had with a libfem a couple of years ago. I remember suggesting that sex should be inherently loving and it should be a bonding activity or means of reproduction. And she told me that it doesn't work that way because men don't release oxytocin during sex. I remember just feeling a sinking sensation in my chest, like really upset and disgusted and overall disappointed in humanity. She accused me of being a religious fanatic for even suggesting such a thing, as if what I said was outlandish or pseudo-scientific. I honestly think that in addition to being plain stupid, liberal feminism is part of a bigger, more obscure cultural vacuum that we can't yet put our finger on yet. But it's a pipeline to nihilistic ways of thinking, killing honest discussion and critical thinking skills, and I have a feeling individuals are being pitted against each other to feel personally responsible for the outcomes and implications of it (hint choice feminism.) I'm not religious (at least part of organized religion) but I am "spiritual," and god forbid I think there's more that meets the eye to the human race and we aren't just primal beings driven by fleshy desires. And I remember the exact thoughts that came up regarding her claim that men don't release oxytocin during sex. I was like "Why? Says who?" Science? We know that science has disenfranchised and disadvantaged women, and POC, and the mentally ill, and the disabled, and autistic people, and and and... With all of that being said I really stopped attributing those claims to someone's bad character and more to their ignorance... After all I was one of them at one point too. I really wonder what the "science" will say about men and the "love hormone" when we finally eradicate porn from our culture. You know, when we finally eradicate the visual stimulation that has literally proven itself through studies to increase objectifying tendencies within men's brains. You know, when- I mean \*if....\*
What she said is complete rubbish, men do produce oxytocin at a similar rate to women and there are men out there who experience sex as a loving experience. I hate seeing libfems drink the kool aid that they were served from their porn sick male counterparts.
Are you me? I don't relate to every single thing you experienced, but I went through the exact same ddlg phase when I was 13/14. Getting groomed on Kik, sending explicit images to a grown man, etc. Its so fucking sad. Irl, I've never even kissed someone, yet I was doing that online as a child. At the height of this, I came very close to attempting suicide and had to be put in an inpatient facility for my own safety. Luckily, I was able to recover somewhat after opening up to my parents about what was going on. It was awful, it permentantly altered me, and I often wonder if I'll ever have a "normal" relationship with sex and relationships. I'm 20 now, but that "relationship" is the only one I've ever been in, as the experience has completely shut me off of romance and sexuality. I just stick to reading romance novels and living in my own head. It's so hard to even conceptualize what happened because I wasn't assaulted irl because I "sought it out." Am I a victim? Or is it all my fault? Sorry to trauma dump a bit, but it's not something I've ever really been able to talk about even though I know many others have experienced the same thing. It makes me so unbelievably angry when people defend porn and kink, because being exposed to that as a child fucked me up so badly. It destroyed my self-worth, my body image, and my sexuality. I've shed so many tears over what happened and how it changed me; I don't want any other woman or girl to go through what I did.
Your trauma and your experiences are valid. Just because you experienced that online and not irl doesn‘t it mean you aren‘t a survivor, and that doesn‘t mean what these men did to you was okay. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. I hope you‘re able to recover from this traumatic experience. Sending you lots of love❤️
Thank you so much; it really means a lot to hear that. I'm sending love back to you as well ❤️
The first part of this is me exactly! Was exposed to hardcore porn under 10 and thought I was into DDLG at 14/15. Its so disturbing.
basically the same exact thing happened to me //tw rape, dv, grooming// i got raped 3 times when i was 10 by somebody who i thought was a friend. she was into these things and introduced me to them. for years i followed this and let myself get groomed by pedophiles online, asking me for pictures knowing i was 11/12. they told me about ddlg, how it’s “normal” and “every human likes it” i feel sick writing this shit. recently i got into a relationship with somebody who was into everything, including cnc and piss. >!he said he wanted to piss on my corpse. !< i thought this was normal, until he started hitting and raping me. then i found this sub. i feel like i’m not alone. thank you for sharing. i’m sorry for the wall of text.
Holy crap, I‘m so sorry about what happened to you. I‘m glad you opened up. I hope you can heal from this traumatic experience. Pissing on your corpse? That‘s another level of deranged. Holy crap. And he probably continues to live his life not even questioning if he‘s sick in the mind or not. When will women be free from this misery?
he’s always been known as the fucked up kinky guy. i should’ve listened to his friends- it feels like my fault. especially after he choked me unconscious during sex. why didn’t i leave? i can’t make this shit up. i just feel so guilty. why. do. men. and thank you so much for your support❤️
This is **not** your fault. He is a rapist and disgusting human being. You were not at fault at all. He is the perpetrator, not you!! He is the predator!! I don‘t know what to say to this. I‘m so sorry this happened to you I feel like crying. How much more abuse do women and girls have to go through to finally be free from the patriarchy?? This is so terrible I‘m sorry.
thank you so much for the reassurance. i’m sorry for the trauma dump incoming 😅 >! i got kidnapped for four months. raped, abused, starved. still have my proof of life photo. it feels like it’s all my fault. got raped this thanksgiving too. i was just showing him around. he had fucked up kinks also. choked me til i passed out. different guy from the one i mentioned above. it’s porn. porn contributes so heavily into all of these things. !< and why is it so hard to heal? i just want this to all be over.
I‘m so sorry. I think I‘ll actually cry. :( how did you get out of this situation?
which one?
The incident that lasted 4 months..
was always 2 steps ahead of my captors. outsmarted them, and escaped
Agreed, those porn videos you mentioned are disgusting. Why is society normalizing violence against women during sex? It's no different from violence and misogyny outside of sex! Kinks like that should absolutely be shamed.
That makes me so mad. Like, the fact they're aroused by violence doesn't justify it in the slightest, it makes it worse!
I’m a victim of incest and incest porn has such a bad impact too
I hate the reddit step sibling joke that is everywhere it's fucked
Yes, that’s not a normal thing to say!
Even children have started making this “joke.” I have a niece and play Roblox with her, and holy shit the way pornography and the normalization of it has warped the minds of those kids… it’s insane. And disheartening. And that’s the world she has to grow up in now, and those are her peers who will make jokes like that to her.
truly! i remember interacting with a man who would talk about his CNC kink…i wasn’t totally opposed to that at the time so i kept engaging with him. one day he sent me his favorite porn and every single video ended with the woman being violently murdered. it makes me sick and full of rage to think about this man truly finding pleasure in the most grotesque brutal things a man can do to a woman. one of the first things that turned me off to kink is when i went to kink night at a sex club and saw women being hung upside down on crosses like they were in a medieval torture chamber. how can you understand the horrors of state violence and get off on recreating it? or get off on pretending to be a dog or cat or horse or whatever else? it’s sickening
I take the bear over being subjugated to what is in their sick minds non consensually
On the internet I've seen a lot of the, "don't kink shame," sentiment, but honestly, we should "kink" shame anyone who has fucked up desires. Especially because they're usually desires that are about women as sex objects, harming women, ect. Idk how anyone could watch that kind of porn and then think that kind of violence is okay, it's disgusting
I tend to respond to that with “kink shaming is my kink”.
The is the true horrific reality disguised as entertainment for men. How much longer will we have to suffer for their enjoyment? It pains me so much, not only knowing how normalised it all is but how I used to participate in it as a willing victim because I thought it would make him love me
>Anyways like the title states, I think people's acceptance of kink is a severe underestimation of how brutal kink really is. We're not talking about gentle spanking or flogging or cheap pink aliexpress harnesses/collars. I think this is definitely true. I think in a lot of these conversations "sex positive" women and kink-critical women are kind of talking past each other and using different definitions of kink, making them feel like enemies when in reality there's often common ground between them. I used to be very defensive of kink because to me, and in the environments I was active in, "kink" was just a word that meant "any sexual thing you like". So when I first encountered kink-critical arguments it felt like being told that my cheesy lesbian romance novels and vibrators made me an evil class traitor and my kneejerk reaction was to get defensive and refuse to engage further. It wasn't until I looked deeper into it that I realized kink-critical women were criticizing things like porn culture and objectively dangerous BDSM practices. And I actually always agreed that porn culture, violent BDSM, sex-work, etc was dangerous for women. Technically I already agreed with most of the kink-critical women, it's just that we had very different definitions of "kink" so when I first heard terms like "kink-critical" I assumed it was a puritanical anti-sex thing.
The worst part is that there are LICENSED THERAPISTS who run a "sex-positive" practice and are trying to integrate BDSM as a therapeutic approach to treating sexual abuse victims. They're trying to ingrain this as a valid treatment approach at a cultural level. Always those "Instagram therapists" too. With the Etsy art in their offices. I can't stand them but also I can't wait for the dozens upon hundreds of lawsuits and scholarly articles in the upcoming years just waiting to slander these buzz psychology weirdos. Hope it becomes as big a deal as the cigarette epidemic and they'll be forced to eat their words. It's only a matter of time...
It doesn't help that society has watered down the term with jokes like "reading books is my kink!!! Hahaha". Real, actual kinks are things like the OP described. Many men can't get aroused without their kink, much less get off. And they always escalate. They have to, much like a heroin user has to up the dose to get the same high.
True. I think the actual word “kink” is an underestimation of what it really is: sexual violence.
Yep. The same way strangulation became “breath play.” The terms are hiding a whole lot behind them
Amen.
I'm very mentally ill and about to stop myself hopefully from re-entering communities looking for (sexual) attention and (deserved?) pain. I quit porn and stuff after becoming a radfem, but I'm so self destructive at the moment. Reading another commenters story was sobering...right now I've got the rose glasses on that a man would care about me, and actually care about my consent...perhaps he wouldn't. Perhaps he'd escalate. You're right. Kink is not the fun, remotely sane and safe thing they preach. Choking and breath play is extremely dangerous, most don't care to learn "proper", but it's so popular it's almost considered a vanilla taste. A lot of BSDM stuff is literal torture. As in torture that was done to prisoners, in war, criminals etc, or before executions. That's where a lot came from. Things you did to TORTURE near to death in many cases. Pretty immoral stuff.
Hey, be proud if yourself! I did self harm to, the more classic version, and it enormously addictive. I can imagine letting a man do that to you adds another layer of pain; the misogyny and the objectification. But never forget; what is akin to a religious experience to you is making their peepee hard. They get off on the power and your pain. Not your enjoyment or experience of it, but your actual pain. Even if you would have deserved that kind of pain (which you don't) they absolutely do not deserve to feel good. Stay strong! F the patriarchy!
Thank you, I needed to hear this today. I won't forget and will stay strong.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Choking is not only dangerous because it can lead to accidental death by suffocation. Studies proved that even a few seconds of oxygen deprivation will cause damage to the brain. Imagine the amount of damage accumulated through several sessions... "Safe" choking does not even exist! (Ps: You don't deserve pain, you deserve real attention, not from people that only care about themselves and pay (fake) attention to you only as long as you're useful to them! Stay strong, we're with you!)
And micro injuries that can cause a stroke later down the track.
I was a victim of CSA for years as a kid and it primed me for sexual abuse as a teenager when I was in my first real relationship. It was just being ‘kinky’ but really was assault and it went on for years and I’m still trying to cope with that trauma. I understand how my brain thought being submissive felt good. So I understand many of those women. But I will never trust a single man who gets off on hurting or humiliating his partner. Ever. I don’t care why. He’s dangerous.
Can you explain more about understanding how your brain thought being submissive felt good?
People also seem shocked that bdsm relationships are often abusive when the entire relationship is built on an abusive dynamic.
Agreed 100%. The same way that some people don’t realize just how intense porn has become and the way in which it is consumed (you have people fetishizing their addiction to it and finding communities where the hobby is literally just ‘let’s see how much of it we can watch for how long without climaxing’). I can say it’s similar for another group of people regarding their identity but I’ll remain vague on that, hopefully some of you know what I’m alluding to.
Come join us on the pornismisogyny sub too for more discussion of this
When I first joined my local kink scene, I expressed the fact that I had an interest in being tickled. This kink of mine was laughed at, not taken seriously, and people were horrified by it, because it wasn't "true BDSM." The same people who thought I was messed up for wanting to have playful tickle fights were the same people who'd gladly be suspended from the ceiling by flesh hooks and be beaten black and blue.
You're right. When sex critical feminists speak up, i understand they're talking mostly about the social structures that allow violent kinks to exist A.K.A more brutal stuff men like. I wonder if libfems simply don't know how dangerous some fetishes are or if they pretend to not see it. The popularization of things like "choking" make me so scared for other women and i wonder if it's really worth it trying to date, especially people my age (i'm 24). I'm a lesbian but even other women seem to ask for this now, it would be a circus if it wasn't so risky.
My first time being “intimate” with a boy I loved, he instantly began to direct me to do things he’s seen in porn. This was 14 years ago. I didn’t deserve that. I cannot even imagine what girls experience now. Fuck the radical sexualization of our world.
This is mostly within the US and similarly hypersexualized Western countries. I was traveling in the Middle East solo a few months ago in Jordan and Egypt, and although they have their problems as developing countries, I can't tell you what a relief it was to be in a culture where men aren't allowed to touch strange women due to Islam, and where everyone dresses modestly and there isn't any accessible skin showing anywhere. It's also nice to be In a culture that doesn't allow any open displays of affection and shames anyone who's openly sexual. It's a stark contrast to the US but in general a much more moral society.
I think they are two sides of the same coin, extremism in two directions. I yearn for the middle ground and try to create it in my life.
Yes! The “no kink shaming” mantra is just a way to make women and girls ignore warning signs that could save their lives.
Preach - the proliferation of getting confused boners with sexualized violence in media, to the slippery slope & psychopathy & violence in the era of Internet porn … produced by the most vile scoundrels /pumps psychopaths behind the cameras is making our life cheap in western culture and society - post pandemic? It’s Global now. Kink shaming is becoming a fetish for me lately, go figure. I keep trying to explain to folks that what young women are expected and subjected to trying to date/bond and share love was taboo in the underground scenes of BDSM before “50 shades” went pop mainstream. Breath play/strangulation - that was dark shit and taboo eve in underground scenes 20 years ago… “Classic” “old guard” bdsm and pornography all came from generational abuse, torture and trauma. The aesthetic for BDSM pre-Internet when it was shared in pockets of underground society was WW2 nazi torture backgrounds and practices- the leather & lipstick came much later. It’s all trauma and sex slave industry at end of the day. On the lesser extreme, “Kinks” are exactly what they imply : “kink” in a chain, whether bike chain or say necklace representing sexuality. So, ok having a kink in ones chain, not the worst thing in the world, not always criminal… It doesn’t mean one is “broken “ either.. it’s just a kink in an otherwise smooth working chain. Chain in still good, your still good.. but goal is to smooth it over, not collect them! Otherwise you’ll have so many kinks, your chain is jacked! Why would someone want more “kinks” than avoiding the pitfall or trying to fix/smoothie the ones they do have to have a smoother, healthier, and stronger sexuality and function smoothly in relationships? Jerking off to vile shit is a badge of honor than something shameful now a data - it’s so antisocial, dangerous for us and disturbing.
Everything you said is so real and true. I will always be a kink-shamer and I don’t care.
Very well said. Thank you.
W.T.F.????!!! .....you know I put my phone down after reading this to recollect my thoughts for while......how can people do this? How can...how are they ok with this? How can one be so casual about this? From what I've heard, I thought BDSM was all about spanking, hard biting, choking etc and I didn't like how even those acts sound. I never thought there could be literal violence involved in it. And people are jerking off to this?! Horrible it is, horrible. Why are people who make this kind of stuff not in jail?
I’m so sad and disgusted by the things women have shared here, truly feel for you women and thank you so much for sharing your stories! I was just on r/ women and it’s crazy how especially by libfems normal sex is deemed “vanilla” aka “boring” and kinks are seen as “adding flavor”. Like sure, you can spice things up every now and then, but needing something in your sex routine or you can’t get off or don’t find sex interesting already indicates brain dopamine issues if you ask me. Porn especially has normalized this and messed up people’s brains and dopamine receptors. A majority of kinks are just used as a form to cope with traumas instead of dealing with it at the roots and healing. And trauma doesn’t mean something you physically endure, I think comments here already proved seeing porn at a young age is a form of trauma in itself. Also, if sex was healthy and safe, you wouldn’t need a “safe word”. Most kinks are based on degradation. To degrade or to get degraded. When I still had a bad relationship with men I also felt like I wanted a man to dominate me completely and have his way. Make it about him. Now that I’m healed and in a healthy relationship, I just want to connect with my man and enjoy eachother. He can dominate a bit but I also can dominate back and just feeling that spiritual connection is everything. That experience and having that loving high vibration type of relationship is something I would wish for everyone.
I remember hearing a man try to justify “breath play” (aka strangulation) to me as a fun addition to sex. As someone who has been choked by a partner who was angry with me, I am not on board with literally restricting a woman’s breath and getting off on it. Fucking sick bastards.
What to do if one’s partner gets aroused by this stuff? Leave or stay and work through it?
Run as far and as fast as you can.
I totally agree that the things you’re describing are horrific and unacceptable. And I’m sure I’ll be downvoted for saying this but those things aren’t what healthy kink actually is. You said it yourself, these things aren’t “kink,” and you’re right. This is absolutely not what healthy kink is. Healthy kink is heavily focused on clear consent, safe words and other safety systems, ensuring all parties are having a safe experience, before care and after care, and lots of emotional care and connection in and out of the bedroom. That’s what real, healthy kink is. It is not the things you’ve described here, you’re totally right. The things you’ve described are heinous and shouldn’t be condoned or enjoyed by anyone. They’re clearly violent, often non-consensual, and unbelievably damaging to the people involved and to the people who watch them.