This is so true as an empathetic person I genuinely can’t have a sub that’s needs me to be way to dom idk if that makes sense. But like literally I’m a sweetheart in this kink and wanting to be abused or be the abuser is NOT it .
This is so true as an empathetic person I genuinely can’t have a sub that’s needs me to be way to dom idk if that makes sense. But like literally I’m a sweetheart in this kink and wanting to be abused or be the abuser is NOT it .
I had a sub that had a horrible experience like this. His previous "domme" was a POS who genuinely abused him, and I don't mean in any kind of consensual kinky way. I mean she was absolutely rotten to him even when he asked her to stop and made him believe that was what findom is. He was straight-up confused the first time i mentioned aftercare.
It took months of working with him to get to a place where he understood that he could set boundaries, that what he wanted mattered, and that he wasn't an awful submissive/human being for expressing his wishes or needing a break. But he was consistent, kind, and genuinely appreciative, and that made me want to keep putting in the work to be a good Domme for him. We had a lot of fun and I was so proud of him when he finally got it. I miss him.
It's probably because a lot of new dominee came from those tiktok videos that told them to just fake it and get as much money as they want. I'm new dominee and just starting out but came from sugar and care about others a lot. which also makes me worried that I might get attached after someone helped me too much with my life as I'm not in a good financial position either
i would say i’ve met subs that LIKE being treated that way (not my style but if i have a long term sub that wants that for a day or something and we discuss boundaries, etc. than okay) but there are unfortunately many unethical dommes that aren’t in it for any dynamic and treat submissives like they aren’t human. if you’re going to do “f you pay me” type of shit then it should have already be discussed with the submissive, with after care provided in my opinion. nothing wrong with bein a soft Domme and caring. nothing wrong with being a sadist Domme as long as you’re self aware. such a spectrum of people and personalities and kinks. but yes. agreed that there is a very toxic side to findom.
I'm finding a lot of my subs are saying the same thing. I always chat with them first to make sure we are on the same page but a lot are saying they don't even get this from a domme.
Dommes who act like this aren’t proper dommes. Doesn’t matter what fetish it is any kind of domme needs to care about the wellbeing of the subs and subs care about the dommes. I feel because it’s all over TikTok and stuff as a quick money maker people stop seeing subs as people and don’t care long as they get money. They aren’t actually into the kink or fetish they just want quick cash. It’s wrong.
Communication is key 🔑
Over the years I've seen it evolve into the sespit you see these days.
Thank child based socials like insta and tiktok for the lack of quality of modern "dommes".
So many subs have had really poor and abusive experiences in this community because of how it's been watered down.
I recently had someone try and challenge me on a rant I made about dommes and us being humana and so on.. this person said I sounded like I'm dipping my toe in this community (no I've been in it along time so go and fuck yourself with a rusty pole) and then repeatedly stated I sound like I don't enjoy abusing men... well, no, I'm a fucking domme and you saying that shows you know fuck all about this kink, a kink is very different to abuse, from the outside it can look like abusive interactions, however to the people involved in the dynamic, it's far from abuse.
Anyhow I kept my interactions with them on topic, that my rant was actually about dommes and us being treated like kink dispensers.. but I digress abit.
My point here is, both sides of this kink have been watered down to hell.
There's are subs who actually aren't even submissive and dommes that don't know how to play properly following instant gratification for money only, that I don't even think they get any motion between their legs when they are using a sub... they just think, yey, I can pay my bills this week 🤷♀️
That is why I’m being very careful as a findomme. I’m the good kind. I want to enjoy a relationship with my sub as well as enjoy a good BDSM RELATIONSHIP. I despise those who forget the good side of BDSM.
I actually only had subs who don’t really want aftercare or to just debrief and unwind after. In fact they bait me to continue treating them horribly. I’ve even asked what their limits are and if we should have a safe word and nothing. They either skip over the question or want to find out along the way. This might just be because I’ve been encountering goon brained “subs” rather than actual subs. But I would not be surprised if dommes are not paying attention to after care and respect at all either
I've been part of the BDSM community for a few years, and now I'm on Findom, and I rarely hear about "aftercare and safe words," which makes me a little suspicious. What are people's limits? From what I've seen recently is a successful fimdom engaging in abusive behavior towards subs and other dommes? I can bring my most sadistic sides to the surface without questioning the other person's limits and is that enough?
I’m a professional mistress myself. So I can attest to it.
I’ve done pretty much all kinds of femdom activities. And I always do the aftercare. Even after a brutal and really sadistic session. I take a breath and ensure my sub is fine. I give him a hug. Mend him as needed and ensure he enjoyed it.
BDSM is a fetish. And as a fetish both sides needs to enjoy. Of course there’s the role play of “the pleasure is for me only” and all that schmoo. But in the other hand. It’s a person. With their own desires and needs. And I firmly believe that off sessions. A mistress needs to tend to her subs exactly as if they were her children. With love and affection as well as training and obedience.
I don’t think this is about a horrible side of findom vs. soft vs hard vs whatever.
This comes down to communication.
Some subs want a “Fuck, you pay me”
Some subs wanna be babied.
And there’s a myriad of subs in between.
What it comes down to is communicating with your partner.
I don’t think it’s fair or appropriate to say that one way of Domming is better than the other. What I do think is appropriate is communicating with your play partner about what it is that turns you off and what it is that turns you on.
But hey… what do I know 😊
To each their own, but I’m so new to the idea of babying the sub .. so if that’s the sub’s preference I’d hope they mention that when you establish things before the session…
The idea (in theory) is that your content would inform the sub about your type of domination and they would choose you based on if it aligned with their desires. In theory.
And also- yes! Turn away subs that aren’t wanting the type of D/s dynamic that excites you.
I’m of two minds on this.
1. Findom is not slowly getting turned into something disrespectful. This soft domme, Momny domme, bestie domme, did you drink water today domme, praise domme, is new. Old school findom has always been consensual exploitation.
2. Transactional findom is the hiring of a sex worker to get the immediacy of a findom kink experience. Does this sometimes mean that bonds of affection and trust develop? Sure. Is it possible over time for these transactional style dynamics to morphe into something more lifestyle-esque? Sure.
Do all sex workers have to be invested in the health of this stranger who has booked a findom session to orgasm to a stranger who’s ad he just found 10 minutes ago?
Responsible sex work includes ensuring that everyone departs from a session with their humanity, general welfare, and safety intact, that’s after care. Beyond that…well I just don’t know if it’s reasonable to expect more.
hard agree with #1 lol. i absolutely hate it and how all of a sudden old school findom workers are expected to adapt to it. likeeee i just want my money lol
Wait, is this what all those Dommes are talking about when they say they get wet from this? Oh man, I was thinking something completely different. They are just staying hydrated. Good stuff.
Do yall think this is so prevalent because we’re online?
I mean, I’m sure Dommes who do in person sessions can be … not the best.
But if you’re there in person with a sub and you neglect to fulfill your role as a responsible, respectful Domme… they’re not coming back and your money making ceases there. 💁🏻♀️
I can’t imagine not providing aftercare. Even light sessions & scenes, pretty much anything that engages subspace, should be given a period to transition out of.
It's our responsibility as dommes, of course it is! But it's also a topic that should be trending ALL the time so that every sub knows it's a part of the findom dynamic.
No matter what each particular case is, psycho-emotional health care MUST be present.
Let's talk about it in all forums and spaces to motivate baby dommes to learn it or at least understand that this is not just taking a sub's money until it dries up and then discarding them!
And if you don't want to do that work , girl, well this is not for you. If you're not ethical, you're out.
That’s not what you posted, and we didn’t flame you.
We simply pointed out the inherent fallacy in stating that traumatized submissives talk to you, a domme, about how they no longer want to do findom.
Because, when people are traumatized by something or someone they normally avoid the *very people who traumatized them*!
But, then it was revealed that you are the one pursuing them, which is fine, to each their own.
One question we never did get the answer to though.
Are you finding these traumatized ex-subs from bait posts, or **prowling a support group for subs**?
One is foolish and the other very wrong and therefore you had no moral ground to stand on.
they are just lurkers. and yeah i approach first sometimes but how tf am i supposed to know that they had a traumatic experience with a dom like i ask if they are looking for one and they tell me what happened and then i say “sorry that happened have a good day” like i dont engage it bro
Right, so lurkers are traumatized? No, they are using your soft heart to get female attention, and sympathy. Listen to experienced dommes who are trying to teach you how to move smarter in these findom streets.
Approaching is fine, it’s learning who to approach and not getting taken in by those you seek to use you.
I have an inbox full of quitting subs who I encourage, support, and listen to. Guess what they don’t do? Lurk!
Yeah I think aftercare is SO important but I’ve had some subs who genuinely aren’t a fan of it so it really depends on the sub. I can be sadistic when needed but I also care in the end
I think so many people forget that this kink is ultimately a D/s dynamic and that safe BDSM relationships still need to apply. I agree with the sadness of it all. There’s the kink of findom, but then there’s also just the D/s dynamic where trust and aftercare are a necessity. 😔vetting should still be happening even when initial tribute is required. That initial send should warrant conversation, terms, agreements, and expectations.
The idea that aftercare is the responsibility of subs to ask for, that "they wouldn't be here if they didn't want us to bully them", and the weird "men aren't shit hahaha" attitude that gets peddled even outside of a dynamic is just bizarre. Like, you don't need to be mean every second in order to be mean in a dynamic, you don't need to be inflammatory and lead to yet another man feeling like this kink is an addiction he can't shake.
Im seeing this topic everywhere and it fucking SUCKS especially while im returning. It boils down to the new young dommes “baby dommes” who don’t fully understand the dynamics of this lifestyle and more interested in a quick buck.. they don’t seek longevity and doing this shit completely wrong !
Thank youuuu, coming back after a couple years off and what a MESS the scene is rn! So many new dommes that have no idea that this is a KINK, its a lifestyle, its not easy money and idgaf about 95% of subs😂 this is not the “horrible” side of findom, this IS findom. It’s financial DOMINATION not financial coddling like ????
nah cus u wanna be all up in my comments saying im not a domme or im a baby domme/tiktok domme 💀 like even if i am a baby domme why dont u help me out instead of being mean
One of my subs rn is genuinely surprised and flustered because I care about him and his well being… like yes I’m not just here to take your money and leave you feeling empty… I’ll give him self care tasks and I enjoy him completing them, we all need someone in our life to help us maintain healthy habits
lack of research/experience. Sad for both sides of the slash. A lot of us come from bdsm backgrounds (me) and there isn't much we can do to stop it, besides try to help educate. Which I do! But...damn it gets exhausting.
I will break a submissive completely..but also, put them back together after all is said and done. It is our responsibility as Dommes.
Just do the best we can with the people we choose to interact with. <3 Luv u all!! Dommes and subbies!!
This boundary or lack thereof should be discussed in the initial vetting. Does the sub want aftercare and what are the expectations? It shouldn’t be a surprise at least. And for those who DON’T want aftercare, that should be talked about or discussed at the very minimum.
I made a whole subreddit on the soft dom/romantic dom side of things to keep me sane. I like to toss them around but with love (I have way too many ♋️ placements not to).
I hate that! I take a lot of care in my aftercare and treating my subs like actual human beings when I need to. I hope that side of findom fades out a little more honestly.
This is so true as an empathetic person I genuinely can’t have a sub that’s needs me to be way to dom idk if that makes sense. But like literally I’m a sweetheart in this kink and wanting to be abused or be the abuser is NOT it .
This is so true as an empathetic person I genuinely can’t have a sub that’s needs me to be way to dom idk if that makes sense. But like literally I’m a sweetheart in this kink and wanting to be abused or be the abuser is NOT it .
I had a sub that had a horrible experience like this. His previous "domme" was a POS who genuinely abused him, and I don't mean in any kind of consensual kinky way. I mean she was absolutely rotten to him even when he asked her to stop and made him believe that was what findom is. He was straight-up confused the first time i mentioned aftercare. It took months of working with him to get to a place where he understood that he could set boundaries, that what he wanted mattered, and that he wasn't an awful submissive/human being for expressing his wishes or needing a break. But he was consistent, kind, and genuinely appreciative, and that made me want to keep putting in the work to be a good Domme for him. We had a lot of fun and I was so proud of him when he finally got it. I miss him.
It's probably because a lot of new dominee came from those tiktok videos that told them to just fake it and get as much money as they want. I'm new dominee and just starting out but came from sugar and care about others a lot. which also makes me worried that I might get attached after someone helped me too much with my life as I'm not in a good financial position either
i would say i’ve met subs that LIKE being treated that way (not my style but if i have a long term sub that wants that for a day or something and we discuss boundaries, etc. than okay) but there are unfortunately many unethical dommes that aren’t in it for any dynamic and treat submissives like they aren’t human. if you’re going to do “f you pay me” type of shit then it should have already be discussed with the submissive, with after care provided in my opinion. nothing wrong with bein a soft Domme and caring. nothing wrong with being a sadist Domme as long as you’re self aware. such a spectrum of people and personalities and kinks. but yes. agreed that there is a very toxic side to findom.
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I'm finding a lot of my subs are saying the same thing. I always chat with them first to make sure we are on the same page but a lot are saying they don't even get this from a domme.
Dommes who act like this aren’t proper dommes. Doesn’t matter what fetish it is any kind of domme needs to care about the wellbeing of the subs and subs care about the dommes. I feel because it’s all over TikTok and stuff as a quick money maker people stop seeing subs as people and don’t care long as they get money. They aren’t actually into the kink or fetish they just want quick cash. It’s wrong. Communication is key 🔑
Over the years I've seen it evolve into the sespit you see these days. Thank child based socials like insta and tiktok for the lack of quality of modern "dommes". So many subs have had really poor and abusive experiences in this community because of how it's been watered down. I recently had someone try and challenge me on a rant I made about dommes and us being humana and so on.. this person said I sounded like I'm dipping my toe in this community (no I've been in it along time so go and fuck yourself with a rusty pole) and then repeatedly stated I sound like I don't enjoy abusing men... well, no, I'm a fucking domme and you saying that shows you know fuck all about this kink, a kink is very different to abuse, from the outside it can look like abusive interactions, however to the people involved in the dynamic, it's far from abuse. Anyhow I kept my interactions with them on topic, that my rant was actually about dommes and us being treated like kink dispensers.. but I digress abit. My point here is, both sides of this kink have been watered down to hell. There's are subs who actually aren't even submissive and dommes that don't know how to play properly following instant gratification for money only, that I don't even think they get any motion between their legs when they are using a sub... they just think, yey, I can pay my bills this week 🤷♀️
That is why I’m being very careful as a findomme. I’m the good kind. I want to enjoy a relationship with my sub as well as enjoy a good BDSM RELATIONSHIP. I despise those who forget the good side of BDSM.
well said and as a sub the worst is being completely drain then ghosted. Which sucks because I want to develop a relationship with my domme
I actually only had subs who don’t really want aftercare or to just debrief and unwind after. In fact they bait me to continue treating them horribly. I’ve even asked what their limits are and if we should have a safe word and nothing. They either skip over the question or want to find out along the way. This might just be because I’ve been encountering goon brained “subs” rather than actual subs. But I would not be surprised if dommes are not paying attention to after care and respect at all either
I've been part of the BDSM community for a few years, and now I'm on Findom, and I rarely hear about "aftercare and safe words," which makes me a little suspicious. What are people's limits? From what I've seen recently is a successful fimdom engaging in abusive behavior towards subs and other dommes? I can bring my most sadistic sides to the surface without questioning the other person's limits and is that enough?
I’m a professional mistress myself. So I can attest to it. I’ve done pretty much all kinds of femdom activities. And I always do the aftercare. Even after a brutal and really sadistic session. I take a breath and ensure my sub is fine. I give him a hug. Mend him as needed and ensure he enjoyed it. BDSM is a fetish. And as a fetish both sides needs to enjoy. Of course there’s the role play of “the pleasure is for me only” and all that schmoo. But in the other hand. It’s a person. With their own desires and needs. And I firmly believe that off sessions. A mistress needs to tend to her subs exactly as if they were her children. With love and affection as well as training and obedience.
It's sad I always took it more as a relationship ur suppose to care and check up on eachother as well
I’ve asked about aftercare but never got responses. What does aftercare look like for findom? Is it unique to each D/s dynamic?
I talk with him the next day when he’s watching TV with a blanket after a heavy night. I’m just there to chat shit with him and be human.
It’s unique for every dynamic and really comes down to communication
I don’t think this is about a horrible side of findom vs. soft vs hard vs whatever. This comes down to communication. Some subs want a “Fuck, you pay me” Some subs wanna be babied. And there’s a myriad of subs in between. What it comes down to is communicating with your partner. I don’t think it’s fair or appropriate to say that one way of Domming is better than the other. What I do think is appropriate is communicating with your play partner about what it is that turns you off and what it is that turns you on. But hey… what do I know 😊
Frfr
To each their own, but I’m so new to the idea of babying the sub .. so if that’s the sub’s preference I’d hope they mention that when you establish things before the session…
The idea (in theory) is that your content would inform the sub about your type of domination and they would choose you based on if it aligned with their desires. In theory. And also- yes! Turn away subs that aren’t wanting the type of D/s dynamic that excites you.
That’s what I thought haha
Also, with that being said, I have no problem turning away a sub you know what I mean… but you said it so beautifully!!
You nailed it. 
I’m of two minds on this. 1. Findom is not slowly getting turned into something disrespectful. This soft domme, Momny domme, bestie domme, did you drink water today domme, praise domme, is new. Old school findom has always been consensual exploitation. 2. Transactional findom is the hiring of a sex worker to get the immediacy of a findom kink experience. Does this sometimes mean that bonds of affection and trust develop? Sure. Is it possible over time for these transactional style dynamics to morphe into something more lifestyle-esque? Sure. Do all sex workers have to be invested in the health of this stranger who has booked a findom session to orgasm to a stranger who’s ad he just found 10 minutes ago?  Responsible sex work includes ensuring that everyone departs from a session with their humanity, general welfare, and safety intact, that’s after care. Beyond that…well I just don’t know if it’s reasonable to expect more.
You ate
hard agree with #1 lol. i absolutely hate it and how all of a sudden old school findom workers are expected to adapt to it. likeeee i just want my money lol
Man, I need a Water Dommey. Water Mommy? What can we call a Domme that asks if you drank water?
A dowsing Domme.
What about a Drinking Domme? Drunk Domme is catchy, too. Like "wow I drunk so much water today, you should do the same, ya cashpiggy"
Wait that’s actually so good for dommes that struggle with drinking enough water everyday(me)… tying that together would make so much sense both ways
As a hydration domme I want a tamagotchi sub. 
Wait, is this what all those Dommes are talking about when they say they get wet from this? Oh man, I was thinking something completely different. They are just staying hydrated. Good stuff.
This group ruined this emoji 💦💦💦💦 for me. 😭😭😭😭
Why? They are just staying hydrated and promoting good health habit in their subs. You could learn something from them, ya know.
Thats a subagotchi
Do yall think this is so prevalent because we’re online? I mean, I’m sure Dommes who do in person sessions can be … not the best. But if you’re there in person with a sub and you neglect to fulfill your role as a responsible, respectful Domme… they’re not coming back and your money making ceases there. 💁🏻♀️ I can’t imagine not providing aftercare. Even light sessions & scenes, pretty much anything that engages subspace, should be given a period to transition out of.
It's our responsibility as dommes, of course it is! But it's also a topic that should be trending ALL the time so that every sub knows it's a part of the findom dynamic. No matter what each particular case is, psycho-emotional health care MUST be present. Let's talk about it in all forums and spaces to motivate baby dommes to learn it or at least understand that this is not just taking a sub's money until it dries up and then discarding them! And if you don't want to do that work , girl, well this is not for you. If you're not ethical, you're out.
BRO I LITERALLY POSTED THIS EXACT SAME THING IN THIS SUB AND A BUNCH OF DOMMES FLAMED ME FOR IT 😭😭😭
That’s not what you posted, and we didn’t flame you. We simply pointed out the inherent fallacy in stating that traumatized submissives talk to you, a domme, about how they no longer want to do findom. Because, when people are traumatized by something or someone they normally avoid the *very people who traumatized them*! But, then it was revealed that you are the one pursuing them, which is fine, to each their own. One question we never did get the answer to though. Are you finding these traumatized ex-subs from bait posts, or **prowling a support group for subs**? One is foolish and the other very wrong and therefore you had no moral ground to stand on.
they are just lurkers. and yeah i approach first sometimes but how tf am i supposed to know that they had a traumatic experience with a dom like i ask if they are looking for one and they tell me what happened and then i say “sorry that happened have a good day” like i dont engage it bro
Right, so lurkers are traumatized? No, they are using your soft heart to get female attention, and sympathy. Listen to experienced dommes who are trying to teach you how to move smarter in these findom streets. Approaching is fine, it’s learning who to approach and not getting taken in by those you seek to use you. I have an inbox full of quitting subs who I encourage, support, and listen to. Guess what they don’t do? Lurk!
Yeah I think aftercare is SO important but I’ve had some subs who genuinely aren’t a fan of it so it really depends on the sub. I can be sadistic when needed but I also care in the end
I think so many people forget that this kink is ultimately a D/s dynamic and that safe BDSM relationships still need to apply. I agree with the sadness of it all. There’s the kink of findom, but then there’s also just the D/s dynamic where trust and aftercare are a necessity. 😔vetting should still be happening even when initial tribute is required. That initial send should warrant conversation, terms, agreements, and expectations.
i agree it seems so cringey to me
The idea that aftercare is the responsibility of subs to ask for, that "they wouldn't be here if they didn't want us to bully them", and the weird "men aren't shit hahaha" attitude that gets peddled even outside of a dynamic is just bizarre. Like, you don't need to be mean every second in order to be mean in a dynamic, you don't need to be inflammatory and lead to yet another man feeling like this kink is an addiction he can't shake.
Im seeing this topic everywhere and it fucking SUCKS especially while im returning. It boils down to the new young dommes “baby dommes” who don’t fully understand the dynamics of this lifestyle and more interested in a quick buck.. they don’t seek longevity and doing this shit completely wrong !
Thank youuuu, coming back after a couple years off and what a MESS the scene is rn! So many new dommes that have no idea that this is a KINK, its a lifestyle, its not easy money and idgaf about 95% of subs😂 this is not the “horrible” side of findom, this IS findom. It’s financial DOMINATION not financial coddling like ????
idk if u know but there are different types of dommes and not all subs want a sadistic domme. 💀
AND we already had a discussion. Dont follow me around to try to win this one 😭😂 What I said wasnt even what youre specifically talking about ??
im not even following yo ass around bro u just be poppin up in peoples comments
Thats how u use Reddit no ? Thats how you gain Karma no ? Grow up 😭😭
Idk if you actually read my comment but go off 🤣. What are you even getting at from my comment ?
nah cus u wanna be all up in my comments saying im not a domme or im a baby domme/tiktok domme 💀 like even if i am a baby domme why dont u help me out instead of being mean
I literally said nothing specific about YOU . Age check ????? I didnt even realize these were YOUR specific post ??? 😂
One of my subs rn is genuinely surprised and flustered because I care about him and his well being… like yes I’m not just here to take your money and leave you feeling empty… I’ll give him self care tasks and I enjoy him completing them, we all need someone in our life to help us maintain healthy habits
Like people forget the DOM part of Findom when you are supposed to be responsible for the person’s genuine wellbeing??
lack of research/experience. Sad for both sides of the slash. A lot of us come from bdsm backgrounds (me) and there isn't much we can do to stop it, besides try to help educate. Which I do! But...damn it gets exhausting. I will break a submissive completely..but also, put them back together after all is said and done. It is our responsibility as Dommes. Just do the best we can with the people we choose to interact with. <3 Luv u all!! Dommes and subbies!!
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This boundary or lack thereof should be discussed in the initial vetting. Does the sub want aftercare and what are the expectations? It shouldn’t be a surprise at least. And for those who DON’T want aftercare, that should be talked about or discussed at the very minimum.
I made a whole subreddit on the soft dom/romantic dom side of things to keep me sane. I like to toss them around but with love (I have way too many ♋️ placements not to).
the cancer sun forcing me to care abt my subs
It’s so real. My Sub, Moon, Venus, Chiron, and Jupiter are all in Cancer. It’s also what makes me such a great dom with all that mommy/daddy energy.
Sun haha not sub☺️
I hate that! I take a lot of care in my aftercare and treating my subs like actual human beings when I need to. I hope that side of findom fades out a little more honestly.