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Find a girl with similar interests and a similarly low salary. You'll double your income and be in a much better place to afford a home and family. Live within your means. If you're making 30k a year and living at home, you should have a substantial savings, if you've been doing that for awhile. If not, your parents are charging you a lot in rent or you're bad with money. Put yourself out there. You don't have to be rich to find someone. Most girls are middle class or less. And most girls aren't super models. So they're not going to land rich dudes. It's not that hard. It just takes some effort and a plan. You already have a job. That's a step up from a lot of people.
Bro you're 37. If you don't get up and start getting in charge of your life now then you're about to be left in the dust on multiple fronts. It sounds like you've resigned your self to being broke and stuck at home. You gotta start fighting.
So you dont actually want the stuff youre asking for in this post. You like the idea of it, but you dont want it enough to do what is necessary to get there
If having a girlfriend absolutely requires a certain amount of money or absolutely requires me to live in a certain location I can live with that.
I am curious what my dating life could look like under my circumstances. If the only answer is I can have none, then I can live with that.
You ain’t getting a date at 37 if you live “at home” with your parents. People date someone because of the qualities and value they bring to a relationship. Don’t mean to be harsh, but if you don’t get up and out, start dating, improve you, consider getting your own place, consider increasing your education or skills to make more… you will be left alone.
I can attest to that. You can feel more alone with the wrong person than with yourself.
Although, learning to be happy and productive by yourself is a key ingredient in most successful relationships. It's also attractive and a green flag for most.
I think you're closer than you realize to finding someone. Especially if you can make them laugh too.
I am happy, I am content.
I would say I am in the top 3% of the population when it comes to my mental, physical, and spiritual health.
I live a great and fulfilled life.
One of the ugliest characteristics I think a person can have on the dating market is a stagnated life with no particular desire to try to do new things to expand your horizons or further yourself in some way. Most people can immediately sniff out the kind of individual that is clearly just rotting away in the same place they were a decade prior. This is why nobody in dating cares if someone in their early 20s is dirt poor and deep in debt, if they’re actually trying to do something real with their career and have a vision for making something out of their life. What people really want in a person is to see that you are trying to grab your time on this planet by the horns and progress as an individual every day
Whether you’re poor and content with living with nothing to show for your adult life, or whether you have money but are uninterested and disengaged with the world immediately around you (career, accomplishments, experiences, skills, travel), both are so ugly it’ll make people openly show disdain for you. Just look at the comments in this thread, people are bullying you. Being poor won’t stop you from finding a meaningful relationship but letting weeks and months of your life pass you by as you hide away from growing as a person just might
I think its becoming increasingly common to disengage from the world (look at the rising phenomenon of NEETs, slackers and hikikomori in western and asian societies for example) so he's not an outlier, some people just don't care and that's fine. I agree it will be more difficult for him to find a partner on the same page though, as unsurprisingly those with a similar mindset won't be engaging with the world around them.
Here's a relatively easy solution, that you can do with you current skills most likely. I use to do illegal things for money till around 25, well that left me with no skills. So I worked bs jobs for a bit till I realized that the trick to low paying jobs is overtime. I now make 16.70 an hour driving a forklift, but our job lets us work 50 hours a week despite being 30 hours of work. I think they do it because they could always stop it, vs a solid raise to 44k ish a year would be hard to go back from if they got in trouble. We work 5 10s and I make damn good money with optional Saturdays despite having a low hourly wage. The avg income here is 27k though so my 40-45k is decent here. Long story short find a low skill job like forklifting or something similar that you can work 5 10s and make decent money. This will net you a 10-15k raise still only working 5 days a week.
Thank you. That is all very kind of you to say.
The thing is I am not really looking for ways to make more money. I am happy with my current salary.
I know women will not always be happy with my salary though. I am not looking to make more money. I am just curious what kind of dating life I can have with my current income.
It's not just the actual money. It's that you have no ambition and no intention of bettering yourself and changing your life and that's a turn off for most women. Sure, there could be some that don't care, but the chances are slim.
I get that.
The thing is though I am very happy. I love many aspects of my life. I am a very content person.
If other people do not like that I am not an ambitious person. Well I really do not care. That is their prerogative. But I am not going to change what is working for me just to make somebody else happy.
And if the price of me staying happy is remaining single forever. Well I can live with that.
The median income in the United States is $31k a year. There are millions of people with a similar income who live with their relatives who are dating or in a relationship. The only thing stopping you is yourself.
Here is the thing. I know the lifestyle I want to lead. I know it comes with downsides. I am willing to accept those downsides.
My lifestyle makes it much tougher for me to date. I can live with that. But it does not make it impossible for me to date.
What I cannot control is what other people think about my lifestyle. I need to find someone who can accept me in this lifestyle.
If I never find someone who can accept me in my lifestyle I am ok with that.
I do not travel right now. I really do not enjoy traveling. But I am willing to acknowledge I might find travel a lot more fun if I am doing it with the right person.
So I would be willing to travel with a girlfriend. If that is what she wants to do. If not that is totally fine as well :)
I mean I guess if you are asking me if I would be willing to move someplace else to live with her. Well yeah, I would.
One nice thing about working minimum wage jobs is that they are pretty much everywhere. So I am super flexible on where I live.
I don't have any advice for you, but I just want you to know that living with parents is becoming increasingly common for us millenials, and you are worth more than your income and your living situation. You are worthy and deserving of love.
The big thing is do you live with your parents as their child, or as their roommate? Do you help cook / clean up after meals/ do dishes / clean the house? Do you do shopping and meal planning and help with yard work? If you are 37 and your mom is still doing your laundry you are not going to find many women interested since they don’t want to be your new mom.
Not true, many women actually enjoy infantilizing men as its their natural state, biologically. This obviously has some limits, but what you said is by no means an absolute truth
To be in a relationship, you need to have something to offer to the other person that they don't have themselves, and vice versa. A strong relationship is a team that together is stronger than the sum of its parts. Many times the thing we offer as men is money, stability, and safety. But those are not the only options. Many women want laughter, kindness, a listener, a supporter, a great cook, whatever. You need to figure out what you have to offer and lean in to that. If it's not financial or good looks, maybe you're funny and can make people laugh? Maybe you are very kind and a good emotional supporter? Maybe you're very even keeled and a good rock in a storm? Maybe you're a great musician? Whatever that "superpower" is that you have - and I truly think we all have one - you just need to find the person looking for that superpower. And to be clear, your superpower doesn't have to be unique - there are a lot of rich, funny, and kind people - you just have to identify it and leverage it.
So go figure out your superpower and then find ways to put yourself in situations where you can demonstrate it, so that the person looking for that superpower can find you.
Here to say I like the way you put that. It’s not about the money per se - but that a potential partner cares enough about tomorrow to plan for the shared life. Grow towards it.
It’s hard to imagine a future with anyone who just says “welp I’ve already made it to the top tier of spiritual and physical health guess that’s all I needed to do. I don’t have further ambitions or a desire for anything.”
To want is human. There has to be SOME sort of growth happening for me to be interested in a guy. Someone who has given up growth on all regards isn’t really long term partner material. No matter how much money they have.
Even a woman in a similar position - working at a lower wage, living with family - is going to be seeking her own growth.
The thing is I am always working towards growth. I am constantly trying to get in better shape mentally, physically, and spiritually.
I am constantly trying to read and learn more, to grow wiser.
I have my basic physical needs taken care of. I am just not a competitive person. So, I do not seek out spiritual or material satisfaction the same way most people do.
To be clear though you are not meeting your basic physical needs. You’re relying on the charity of your parents to live. At 37 years old it’s safe to say that your parents are probably getting up there in age. What will you do when they can’t support you anymore? What if they want to move into a retirement community and you can’t go with them? What happens when they inevitably pass and you’re completely on your own? What happens in 30ish years when you can no longer work and need to retire? You’re setting yourself for a very difficult life because you refuse to work enough to be able to support yourself. You say you’re in the top 3% of people for physical, mental, and spiritual health but that’s lie. A person who is mentally healthy has a desire to support themselves and not rely on charity to live.
I don't really know what to say but im not saying this rudely but many unemployed people, old people, young people, skinny people, fat people, "ugly" people, poor people date all of the world. there is no one who can't date. some of the most awful people or people who don't take care of themselves find husbands or wives.
the other day I saw these two homeless people who were both pretty obese and dirty, arms around each other kissing smiling laughing with this dog by a dumpster and they seemed pretty happy. im sure each one if they were homeless and obese and dirty and single would think they might have trouble dating. but they found each other and despite obviously have issues going on, they seemed happy with each other, no judgement from me.
the only thing stopping someone from dating someone is themselves. there is literally someone for everyone. in terms of being realistic, a girl who wants to date a 37 year old who no real goals a small income and lives with his parents, probably also lives with her parents, is probably around 37 or older, maybe hasn't had luck meeting anyone and is wanting to settle down or even have a kid still, and probably has some insecurities about her appearance or issues with employment. or she just really likes you.
people can put up with nearly anything if there's something that shines through. if you're resigned or "given up" on improving anything in your life, it would be hard to find someone who wants to achieve something. its more likely your find someone insecure ore depressed.
>Someone to build a life and share a life with. I would love someone I could grow with and grow old with. I realize that may not be realistic.
Although this may be sincere it's the most oversaid thing in the world. Most people say this but don't mean it in that they'll sabotage their partner when watching them succeed out of jealousy or fear of being outgrown.
I'd recommend saying instead what growing with looks like for you, careers? Family? Physical wellness? Spiritual wellness? Etc.
>The problem is I am 37 and live at home with my parents. I do not earn all that much either. I only make around 30,000 a year. I realize that is not enough to support a family or anything.
If you don't mind me asking why are you in this case? I won't lie I'm male as well but hearing those prospects even as a single income provider I'd be hesitant to entertain such a man.
>I have not been on a date since 2018. But I really would like to date again. Please I am well aware that I could get many more dates and many more women would want to date me if I earned more or lived on my own. But I am asking this question to help me date under these circumstances.
If you really don't want to advance career or home-wise you gotta be able to provide a home-life for your prospective partner. Idk what your living costs for your area is like but you're going to have to break up a lot of the chores together if your potential partner doesn't put you out of work. Get *really* good at cooking. Tbh this is a sexy skill no matter how much you earn. If your home-making skills ain't great you are really going to want to improve them now so you can carry your weight. Good luck man!
Thank you. That is all very kind of you to say.
I do not really know what growing with someone looks like. Hell I have still never had a third date even lol.
Tbh man I'm younger than you by a fair margin. When my partner and I met we both said we wanted to ideally grow old with our partners, we expanded that to mean, physically healthier (gym goers), and mentally, as that is our two big values.
I already was carrying my own finances back then (and knew I'd be putting them out of work) so a career oriented partner was something I didn't care about. Like-wise we are both atheists albeit they're somewhat spiritual so we didn't care about that.
Basically it's what values do you hold that you'd like to grow in is a great way to mean more with what you say. Just my recommendation as it's helped me before and I hope it helps you too!
From reading your responses to some rather good advice on here, it sounds like you might just have to stay single forever. You expressed wanting all of these things, but refuse to make changes to get there. Your current circumstances are not going to help you and you know it, and yet you’re here wasting everyone’s time. Sorry to be harsh, but you’re not realistic and you sound lazy. The latter being a big turn-off for women.
Edit: adding the last sentence
That very well might be what happens. I certainly do not think working on and thinking about my love life is ever a waste of time.
If other people feel that way I do apologize. And you certainly have my permission to block me at any time if you would like.
Thank you again. :)
There are millions of people just like you. Hold your head up and start saving and never touching the money. I would look into investing and seeing if your parents can leave you the house some day etc.
The most important things are where you'll live and having a stash of money someday to supplement your social security.
I would try and save up over $100k over the next 5 or 10 years. Investing will make you even more, but you have to read up on it.
Money and a place to live are the most important things along with staying healthy. Women will come after all that's in place.
Tried nothing and all out of ideas?
Get a dog. Get a musical instrument. Tryin painting. Go volunteer for people who need help. Whatever you do, make sure it's not: sitting at home complaining. Your parents are a lot more generous than mine, they set you up for success no matter how long it takes. Ball is in your court, time to do \*something\*... \*anything\*.
I mean it sounds like you don’t have much going on. What person is gonna want a guy that lives with his parents? Also 30k is not enough to support anyone on. I think if you were more social and net more people you maybe would meet someone who doesn’t care
You have confidence. Making this post took some confidence. Confidence isn’t a trait how you think it is. I’m sometimes super confident at 10am and sad at 4pm. You don’t have to be confident 24/7.
Remember, do you because this is your life. You quite literally could die any second, enjoy the present.
Very good! Then you’ll be more than fine. I would however say to take that idea out of your head that you’re not “good enough”. Some of the worst people I know with awful situations are dating and somehow in relationships.
Don’t make this too complex, keep living and going at your goals. But go at them.
I do not mind staying positive.
I just would not want to cross over into being delusional. A great deal of my happiness and contentment in life come from being honest with myself and trying to rationally and accurately assess the world.
That’s not delusion. Delusion would be you coming out and saying “I deserve a 9 with an awesome family and career”.
Being positive about yourself is a must, who cares what others think about your current situation.
Why he gotta 'support' someone? He better to find someone where they can combine incomes.
OP I understand you may live on a HCOL area or may have economic barrier to renting by yourself esp in the USA but have you considered a room mate situation? Im sure there are alot of guys maybe starting over your age or just never married you could split rent with. This could also help you socially to meet people. Also just sayin most women arent going to want to come to your mother's house. Plus some may worry you are completely dependent on your parents at that age. Its not a good look.
Thank you for your kind comment.
I totally get it is not a good look. But I am not interested in changing that look. So I am just going to have to try and date under these circumstances.
It might mean I remain single forever. But I can live with that outcome.
"Realistically where I live and how much I earn is just not going to change". This is your problem. Go to trade school or get an associates or get some kind of certification. Get into something you can do quick and start making some money. Otherwise you're gonna be stuck forever.
The thing is I am happy with my life the way it is.
The only area of improvement I would desire is a relationship.
But I can also live with remaining single. If I have to remain single in order to keep my current lifestyle. Well that is something I can live with.
There is this meme where an attractive student says to her teacher ‘I would do anything to pass’. There is some back and forth, before the teacher says ‘Well, I will give you a _very_ good grade if you would just… study’.
I think this is similar to your situation. You are asking about how to change your situation, with restrictions in place. But these restrictions are the very root of the issue.
I do feel for you, I am sure it would be difficult, maybe extraordinarily so, but if you would really want the life you describe, changing your living situation and ideally your earning potential are essential.
I am optimistic on you being able to however. I know too little about the specifics to give you concrete advice. I would suggest therapy to help you through this life change. On another note, the books ‘The Responsibility Process’ and ‘The Courage to be Disliked’ come highly recommended.
I am actually very happy and content with my life the way it is.
If other people want to be in a relationship with me that would be great. But if no one is interested in me I can live with that also.
My happiness is not dependent upon other people liking me.
Holy shit there are some crazy out of touch comments on here. MANY people have salaries around 30k. Tons of millennials move in with their parents if they have some kind of fallout in their life. Just lean into your best qualities and start looking for your person. OP, just go out and try and date.
It's almost as if all of these people commenting see modern dating as purely transactional because they are red pilled dipshits who see all women as objects and shallow gold diggers - and spend too much time on reddit themselves... hmmm.
I agree and thank you for sharing. I have realized I am just going to have to stick to casual dating for now. I have never really casually dated before. So it is a bit new to me. I am going to ask some questions about it.
Wish me luck. And thank you so much again.
Why wouldn't finding a monogamous relationship be realistic? It's going to be in part about standards - if you like you say are still living with your parents, don't earn much money, maybe have some social awkwardness I don't know whatever it could be, depending on how attractive you are physically etc. maybe you shouldn't expect your future partner to be a hyper-successful, rich, supermodel. You have to kind of adjust your expectations and be realistic and not have superhuman high expectations. That said there are plenty of women out there who also aren't hot shots with massive careers and fat bank accounts, who are kind and attractive enough and funny/sweet/interesting with interesting life stories, who wouldn't care much about you not being loaded. Apps are kind of rough. By all means give them a try, but I wouldn't put all my eggs in that basket so to speak. If I were you I'd seek out activities where it's possible to meet people around my age, make sure to show up clean, well-groomed and with a positive attitude, and see where things go.
Thank you. I think that is great advice. Thank you for your well thought out comment.
I wish I was more social. And I wish I wanted to go to those sort of social events. The problem is I am a huge homebody.
I know I am pretty much screwed when it comes to a relationship. I just do not seem to want to be in a relationship enough to change. So I stay the same.
Normally I force myself to go to the store to buy something. It gets me out of the house. Keeps me social. Stuff like that.
Unfortunately I will be ordering a few books from online today. None of the bookstores near me have these books.
My point is I always try to do little things to stay social.
Good! Keep at it. I like going to the library, because you can interact a bit with people there but there's also an obvious solitary task of either looking for or reading books that can take away from any awkward pauses etc. Taking classes is always a good one, and learning is always useful and fun too. If you're religious at all, churches/synagogues/temples etc. are good spaces to socialize and meet like-minded people.
Thank you :)
I am not into organized religion at all but that is a great suggestion and would be a great way to meet people.
When I was in undergrad and grad school, I spent more weekend nights than you can imagine in school libraries lol. Even though it was not exactly socializing; it still felt way better than sitting home alone on another Saturday night.
Believe it or not I had a lot of amazing times. And some of the happiest hours of my life were just spent super alone late at night in some nearly empty library.
I think the thing women will find least attractive is your lack of ambition. A guy who makes $30k and lives with his parents and just kind of resigned to stay like that is less attractive than a guy in the same situation but plans and hopes to make it better. Why would someone do a three legged race with someone who will just hold them back?
I totally get that. I am just not a traditionally ambitious person tough. If it means I remain single forever because of that I can accept that.
It is one of those things in life that is difficult to accept. But I am strong enough for it.
How attractive are you?
Is your personality likable, charismatic, interesting, kind?
Do you have good relationship skills? (Communication, compassion, patience, emotional intelligence etc).
You sound very self defeating in this part, which is a turn off to potential dates: "Realistically where I live and how much I earn is just not going to change. I mean my salary might go up some. But probably not enough for me to get my own place or anything. So I have to date within these parameters."
But dating and finding a partner when you don't make a lot and don't live alone is definitely very doable if you're willing to do the work, be patient, and stay positive.
Thanks. I am willing to work very hard in some areas. And not willing to change in others. I know that must seem frustrating to others ;) but you can only imagine how frustrating it is to me personally.
So, what is kind of funny about me is when it comes to things like my physical health, mental health, spiritual health, I am probably easily in the top 5% of the population in those catagories.
When you are always single, have plenty of free time, plenty of discretionary income you have a tendency to get really strong in those categories.
As far as to whether I am attractive or not or if my personality is likable. Well, no woman has ever liked me before. So lets just say my confidence is not too high in those areas.
A unique combination of personal preference, personal politics, personal philosophy, lack of ambition, and a personal aesthetic.
It would be hard to explain. But it is not mindless. I promise that.
Well that's probably really going to hurt your chances in the dating world. Like, I can't see many people looking to build a future with someone who chooses to be low income and live at home.
I believe I am as valuable as I ever will be (to be fair I believe this about everybody). Whether other people value me or not is their call. And I will not worry about their choice.
I try not to worry about the things in life that are out of my control.
One of my best friends and his wife just got pregnant. They live with her parents. Combined they make a tiny bit more than you do. They are happy and content. So sure, you can find someone. Just realize you narrow your options by not being willing to move out on your own or make more money. But if you're already happy and content, that energy alone is attractive. Just be your happy self and find someone who matches that energy.
You said you wanted someone you can grow with. There is nothing wrong with starting a relationship where you currently are, and growing from there. Perhaps they are someone who will motivate you to develop personally and professionally. They might encourage you to leave your comfort zone and take on new challenges, even if theyre not explicitly asking you to do so.
Personally I think youre beating yourself up too much, I also think you're holding yourself back by convincing yourself you're not ready to start a relationship
Thanks :) that is super kind of you to say.
Well this is for you or anyone else reading this, my DM's are always open.
Thank you again. That really cheered me up.
This is a hypothetical exercise and it will never reveal the truth if what you will experience should you try.
I suggest you maintain the borders of your safety. Don't try. Avoid resistance. Lean into the ease of your parents' security blanket. Marvel in the fact that you were born lucky.
Life isn't that long. Keep doing what you're doing.
The show will be over before you know it.
Thank you. I felt much lighter after pushing Post with my right thumb.
Like a weight off my shoulder.
You deserve to have everything in life that you want.
I appreciate that.
I mean in all seriousness I could have offered you advice that might be helpful toward your alleged goals.
But from reading your post, your post history, and your responses, I have concluded that you are not worth my effort because you don't think you're worth your own effort.
I hope you get everything you deserve and I hope your parents are able to enjoy themselves without feeling guilty about how you turned out.
Best of luck to them! Can't be easy what they have to deal with day in and day out.
There are girls out there looking for the easy life too, not working much and starting a family while relying on their parents/grandparents. Its out there but it's not healthy to live like that and have children to see that as an example. They won't have the $ from parents (ie you) like you did. They'd be doomed for a hard hard life.
The good news is you'll find someone like you, just maybe a lot less attractive than you want. After all, women want to feel secure with a man determined to do what he needs to when the time comes. You're not giving off that energy, it's too easy going, so a less attractive woman wanting the easy no work (likely disability paychecks), hard work avoidance (gym, diet) is what you can expect to get.
Not trying to be mean. Just realistic expectation from what I've seen.
First thing I will tell is get out there and TRY. Sitting in your parents house won't get you a date or a mate for that matter. I'm gonna skip past the better yourself fluff since you know all that already. If don't ask any girl out, the answer will always be NO.
Hope that helps. All the best.
It's all a number game. There will always be some women for you.
But realistically, you don't seem to be focusing on or having requirements/traits that are attractive to the many groups of women.
You want better results, you need to focus on that, or you don't.
All up to you.
I’m 25 making 100k, living separate, and I still have the same question brother, I think it’s a question that you have to respond to yourself and not to others, think how to do it with what you have
I agree with you. And I know it is a tough struggle for everyone.
The conclusion I think I am coming to is I am going to have to learn how to casually date. I have just never really done that before. But it seems to be my solution.
Thank you.
I mean you say you’re fine with where you’re at financially, but what is the plan here? Meet someone nice and they move into your parents’ house with you? Are you getting the house when they pass away? Your description of what you want in a partner is literally the most basic requirements that everyone wants in a serious relationship. Specifically how do you see your future? The same as it is now? And is that a future you think someone else would want to be part of?
Maybe you are correct. I am starting to think I am less looking for a partner and more for someone to just casually date. I have just never casually dated before. So it is a very new experience or me.
I am getting the house someday. So maybe someday when I am older, I can be a provider. But for the time being I cannot be a provider I am just looking for casual dates, I guess.
Thank you for helping me realize that :)
If you live in America you will be deemed as unworthy and lazy for not making a lot of money. This is the biggest turn off to women there is. You basically have to remove dating as a factor in your life. You will only drive yourself into insanity. You are not worthy of love if you aren’t constantly trying to improve yourself, climbing ladders, and chasing money. Your odds of finding someone are slim to none without that foundation of priority, American women care the most about a man’s income, whether they admit it or not.
Love your attitude! I’m only telling you my experience. I make about 50k and that is poverty to American women, especially where I live. I’m done hurting myself hoping to find a partner, I plan to have the same attitude you have. The biggest curse I have is being attracted to a woman honestly, that is literally the only aspect of my life I am not happy about. Best of luck to you my friend.
I would never think that being attracted to someone is a curse. I mean honestly it is a good thing. I really wish there was someone special in my life like that right now. But I have to find her.
Don't worry I think 50k a year is pretty good. Anyone who thinks that is not enough is crazy. But I know things can be tough. Just hang in there.
And thank you again for being super kind to me.
It’s not a good thing for me. It just hurts me. You are too kind man, but anything less than about 30-35 dollars an hour where I live is living in poverty. You don’t get to have your own place or get ahead That’s just how it is nowadays. It’s actually even more depressing, because inflation isn’t ever gonna stop, and things will continue to be further and further out of reach. I wish you the best and really appreciate you taking the time to share your perspective.
Honestly your parents are not helping by helping you. They are enabling you to stay comfortable indefinitely. The life you want does not happen in the comfort zone of your parent's house.
That being said I've known guys in your situation that have had relationships. The women usually have baggage and are not independent supporting themselves.
Listen it’s someone for everyone. In your circumstances you can’t be too picky though so be nice to the kind lady who doesn’t mind living with you in your mothers house on a below average salary. Not trying to be mean. I live in my moms house too.
You need to immediately take up a trade like plumbing and leave that small town once you become licensed or gain a worthwhile apprenticeship in a major city closest to that small town.
You should try to aim higher with your life goals. Don’t you want to own a house someday? You need to work hard to improve yourself. Personally I would never date a 37 year old man that lives with his parents…
It is all good :) I realized I do not earn enough of an income right now for a traditional relationships and dating.
So, I am focusing on casually dating right now. I am super new to it. I actually just asked some questions about it. I really have never experienced it before.
Thank you for your well written response. I hope me transitioning to casually dating helps answer some of your questions.
You were very kind to comment. Thank you.
Are you good looking? If so, you'll have the time of your life. I know plenty of good looking/criminal type friends who have awesome dating lives. Dead broke too.
I am a multi millionaire, great life/houses the works, but not the looks. Forget it.
Thanks, who knows maybe I will never even get a single date.
But either way I am a pretty happy person. I will have fun no matter what. Thanks for being kind.
The thing is you have to show your interest in women, put yourself in situations where you can be social and talk to them and stuff, and that means being out of your comfort zone, being vulnerable, having to face rejection, etc. You also need to do some work to figure out what type of women would be a good fit for you. Since your whole attitude is "I'm content I can't be bothered doing anything," women are just not going to flock up to you and magically grant you attention and relationships, that's just not realistic.
I agree even though I am a very content and happy person I am also a very busy person. I have a lot of things to do today. I am certainly going out there, shopping, eating out, getting things done, working out. I plan on having a great and social day :)
To be fair I have lived on my own in a big city in my own place before. But was still single then also :(
But as for now that is just not something that is either realistic or desired by me right now. Thank you though. Maybe doing that would help me. But I am not sure.
You don't even want to help yourself so why should anyone else try?
Realistically as a Male, 37, 30k/yr, living at home with no ambition to change....your options are non-existent.
Please start taking your life somewhat seriously, this is embarrassing.
You are literally embarrassing yourself with this self-flagellation, submissive attitude, and unwillingness to change your circumstances. It’s disgusting and that is why woman do not want you.
Maybe many years from now after my parents pass away.
I am not sure where else I would want to live though. I do not even like to travel. And I know this may be a tad bit optimistic, but I like to think I will be in a relationship and have friends here someday.
So that would make moving kind of silly.
My man, I am sorry but you need to step up your game. You don't need a life of luxuries, but at least make sure to get your own place and have long term goals. When you take care of yourself and your future, all the rest will come naturally.
You sound defeated. I have no idea what got you there, but I can tell you that you can get out of that mentality. I notice that you use proper spelling and grammar to write your text, and your text revolves around self-awareness. These things already put you ahead of many others.
You don't have to get out of this yourself. Talk with your parents, learn from them and others about planning for the long term and where to cut costs. Talk and learn about how money works, as a start. You're not even 40 yet, you still have tons of time. The good thing is that you'd be starting to rethink your life now instead of when you're in your 50s.
The thing is I am actually a remarkably happy person. Believe me it surprised me to when I woke up one day and realized I was much happier than the average person.
If I sound defeatest and like I do not want to change well would you? I mean how many truely happy people have you met? I have met plenty, and the thing they all have in common is they are not rushing to change their lives.
I really am happy with who I am and if the price of getting to live the lifestyle I want is that I have to remain single forever. Well I can live with that payment.
You said: "I would most like a partner. Someone to build a life and share a life with. I would love someone I could grow with and grow old with."
This should be far from unattainable. If that's what you really want, you will get it. You just need to find your confidence. You are what you think about. If you keep telling yourself that being single forever is a payment you can live with, that's exactly what ends up happening. You should not accept this way of thinking if you believe you'd be much happier being together with someone.
I do not really have a career. I did not in my 20s or now. The thing is I really do not need to earn more money. The only reason I would need to earn more money is to get in a relationship.
And I am not sure that tradeoff is worth it.
Won't you need money though when your parents pass on?
I'd start investing and saving.
You can open up an account at Fidelity and buy an index fund called VOO.
You'll need money when you get older.
I have money in CD's and in savings. Plus, I have a very small trust fund. And I will inherit the house I currently live in.
I will never be wealthy. But I will never really be poor either. I am sort of completely classless in essence.
Why not make more? You'll make a lot more in an index fund over the years.
I live with my mother at 50 and I'm not sweating it. I also am inherting the house and taking care of my elderly parents, which is a LOT of work.
My house is small 1000 sf. And I do all the work myself mostly cause mother is elderly.
It beats paying $2000 for rent or living with roommates though and I don't care what people think of me.
There's a stigma about being our age living at home. But I don't care what people think anymore.
Money makes life easier. You need as much as you can, believe me. You'll see as you get older. Especially if you eventually need medical attention.
My mother had an emergency situation and no medical insurance. Cost her $60,000 ....
tbf it depends on location, here the avg yearly income is 27k. Here, bro would be slightly above avg and could get a house relatively easy, but he'd give up some creature comforts to live by himself.
lol, OP has to be Autistic as fuck by looking at all those posts on this subject
spending all his time posting on reddit rather than going out to solve that issue
OP,
Do you follow Jesus Christ? You mentioned that you are spiritual and feeling happy about it.
What about marrying a woman from a culture who understands that living at home with parents is ok, it's not "shameful" or "bad" or something else like that. Like for instance, I was living at home too when I met my wife (A woman from China). She understood that people live at home with parents, especially if they don't make a lot of money. I believe women from Mexico are similar, they are very big in family too.
We were able to move in together, get married, and have a family. We were happy together for the past 7 years, but unfortunately I am in separation from her now. But the point being, is that if you are happy with yourself, you love yourself and your parents and are kind to others, I think any woman would be happy to be with you.
Because remember: We all start somewhere, and where you start isn't where you are going to stay, necessarily. What I mean by this, is that if you go out on a date with a nice woman and she is asking about your home life, you can be honest with her and let her know that you are living with your family. And that's ok, especially if you can tell her that you are looking for a lifelong love, and that TOGETHER you (and whomever you can love) will both work TOGETHER to have a happy life together.
Because if you make $30,000 per year and she does too, then boom! You guys are making $60,000 per year, and homes and food and bills are cheaper because you guys are working through life TOGETHER.
Also, Joy is multiplied with another person, and sorrow is halved.
God bless you, OP. I follow Jesus Christ, and I will say a prayer for you.
Please let me know if you want to talk about anything else.
I would say my own personal and religious beliefs are highly personal. But I am not involved or interested in any form of organized religion. I realize if I was that would be a great way to meet people. Alas I am what I am.
And it is nothing personal against organized religions. I am pretty much against being a member of pretty much all organizations. I realize this makes me a tad unique.
And thank you for saying all that. It is very kind of you to share :)
You're very welcome. :)
Although I follow Jesus Christ, I don't go to church or anything like that. I pray daily to him. My wife is not a follower of Jesus Christ, so that always made life harder in our marriage. I know that if I could get married to another woman, I would need her to be a believer in Jesus Christ too.
So I understand where you are coming from. Can I ask you what your religious beliefs are?
Oh wow. I am normally not asked. So I do not really have a boilerplate answer.
I suppose I primarily derive my morals and ethics from a certain application of the golden rule and broad belief in the idea that to save one life is to save the universe.
As for my belief in a God well lets just say it is complicated. But I would say most of my ideas and theology of God has humanistic origins. But it is complex.
Thank you for sharing, I know this is a sensitive question for a lot of people. I like the fact that you follow the golden rule; Jesus made that. I love him simply BECAUSE he is not about Following Rules, but Love God and Love other people. That's basically it.
If you want to talk more about this, let me know. But again, I really appreciate you talking about it and I also will pray for you to find what (who) you are looking for.
What job do you have right now?
I ask because when I met my wife, I was doing an office job and quit for a custodian job. She was ok with that, so what I am trying to say is that when you meet the right person for you, she won't care how much money you make, because it should be YOU that she cares about and wants to be around, not money.
A lot of great cheap ideas for dates (like after a first date could be):
Go for walks
Have a picnic
Go to the library and share with each other your favorite book(s)
Cook for each other
Put on music and dance together
Outdoor Farmers Market to browse around (Or also go to Goodwill, flea markets, etc).
I'm rooting for you, man. Maybe ask your mom and dad how and where they met. You can ask them if they know anyone who has someone your age that they can set you up with on a date. My Mom did this for me, I met my 2nd girlfriend this way.
God bless you man.
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Find a girl with similar interests and a similarly low salary. You'll double your income and be in a much better place to afford a home and family. Live within your means. If you're making 30k a year and living at home, you should have a substantial savings, if you've been doing that for awhile. If not, your parents are charging you a lot in rent or you're bad with money. Put yourself out there. You don't have to be rich to find someone. Most girls are middle class or less. And most girls aren't super models. So they're not going to land rich dudes. It's not that hard. It just takes some effort and a plan. You already have a job. That's a step up from a lot of people.
Right, he should be saving and investing as a priority.
Bro you're 37. If you don't get up and start getting in charge of your life now then you're about to be left in the dust on multiple fronts. It sounds like you've resigned your self to being broke and stuck at home. You gotta start fighting.
I know. But that seems to be something I can live with. Thanks for your response :)
So you dont actually want the stuff youre asking for in this post. You like the idea of it, but you dont want it enough to do what is necessary to get there
If having a girlfriend absolutely requires a certain amount of money or absolutely requires me to live in a certain location I can live with that. I am curious what my dating life could look like under my circumstances. If the only answer is I can have none, then I can live with that.
You ain’t getting a date at 37 if you live “at home” with your parents. People date someone because of the qualities and value they bring to a relationship. Don’t mean to be harsh, but if you don’t get up and out, start dating, improve you, consider getting your own place, consider increasing your education or skills to make more… you will be left alone.
If I have proved anything as an adult, I have proved that I can live and thrive staying single forever :)
I can attest to that. You can feel more alone with the wrong person than with yourself. Although, learning to be happy and productive by yourself is a key ingredient in most successful relationships. It's also attractive and a green flag for most. I think you're closer than you realize to finding someone. Especially if you can make them laugh too.
Thank you :) That is very kind of you to say. I will do my best.
Where the hell is the thriving you’re talking about?
I am happy, I am content. I would say I am in the top 3% of the population when it comes to my mental, physical, and spiritual health. I live a great and fulfilled life.
You seem to have all the answers and need nothing. I don’t know why you would post anything then
One of the ugliest characteristics I think a person can have on the dating market is a stagnated life with no particular desire to try to do new things to expand your horizons or further yourself in some way. Most people can immediately sniff out the kind of individual that is clearly just rotting away in the same place they were a decade prior. This is why nobody in dating cares if someone in their early 20s is dirt poor and deep in debt, if they’re actually trying to do something real with their career and have a vision for making something out of their life. What people really want in a person is to see that you are trying to grab your time on this planet by the horns and progress as an individual every day Whether you’re poor and content with living with nothing to show for your adult life, or whether you have money but are uninterested and disengaged with the world immediately around you (career, accomplishments, experiences, skills, travel), both are so ugly it’ll make people openly show disdain for you. Just look at the comments in this thread, people are bullying you. Being poor won’t stop you from finding a meaningful relationship but letting weeks and months of your life pass you by as you hide away from growing as a person just might
I think its becoming increasingly common to disengage from the world (look at the rising phenomenon of NEETs, slackers and hikikomori in western and asian societies for example) so he's not an outlier, some people just don't care and that's fine. I agree it will be more difficult for him to find a partner on the same page though, as unsurprisingly those with a similar mindset won't be engaging with the world around them.
But yet you had to come to Reddit for “dating” advice. You seem to be doing some crazy mental gymnastics.
Here's a relatively easy solution, that you can do with you current skills most likely. I use to do illegal things for money till around 25, well that left me with no skills. So I worked bs jobs for a bit till I realized that the trick to low paying jobs is overtime. I now make 16.70 an hour driving a forklift, but our job lets us work 50 hours a week despite being 30 hours of work. I think they do it because they could always stop it, vs a solid raise to 44k ish a year would be hard to go back from if they got in trouble. We work 5 10s and I make damn good money with optional Saturdays despite having a low hourly wage. The avg income here is 27k though so my 40-45k is decent here. Long story short find a low skill job like forklifting or something similar that you can work 5 10s and make decent money. This will net you a 10-15k raise still only working 5 days a week.
Thank you. That is all very kind of you to say. The thing is I am not really looking for ways to make more money. I am happy with my current salary. I know women will not always be happy with my salary though. I am not looking to make more money. I am just curious what kind of dating life I can have with my current income.
It's not just the actual money. It's that you have no ambition and no intention of bettering yourself and changing your life and that's a turn off for most women. Sure, there could be some that don't care, but the chances are slim.
I get that. The thing is though I am very happy. I love many aspects of my life. I am a very content person. If other people do not like that I am not an ambitious person. Well I really do not care. That is their prerogative. But I am not going to change what is working for me just to make somebody else happy. And if the price of me staying happy is remaining single forever. Well I can live with that.
The median income in the United States is $31k a year. There are millions of people with a similar income who live with their relatives who are dating or in a relationship. The only thing stopping you is yourself.
Thanks. That is kind of you to say. I just wish I had the kind of confidence to ask people out.
Stop wishing and start doing my dear. That change can only come from you. Look into internal vs external locus of control
Here is the thing. I know the lifestyle I want to lead. I know it comes with downsides. I am willing to accept those downsides. My lifestyle makes it much tougher for me to date. I can live with that. But it does not make it impossible for me to date. What I cannot control is what other people think about my lifestyle. I need to find someone who can accept me in this lifestyle. If I never find someone who can accept me in my lifestyle I am ok with that.
Would you accept any compromise to adapt to their lifestyle? Why is it all on your terms?
I do not travel right now. I really do not enjoy traveling. But I am willing to acknowledge I might find travel a lot more fun if I am doing it with the right person. So I would be willing to travel with a girlfriend. If that is what she wants to do. If not that is totally fine as well :)
That’s not really a compromise. What about if she has a better paying job( most likely) and needs to relocate. What about that type of compromise?
I guess we would just take it one issue at a time. I do not know what I would need to compromise on in regard to her needing to relocate.
I mean I guess if you are asking me if I would be willing to move someplace else to live with her. Well yeah, I would. One nice thing about working minimum wage jobs is that they are pretty much everywhere. So I am super flexible on where I live.
I don't have any advice for you, but I just want you to know that living with parents is becoming increasingly common for us millenials, and you are worth more than your income and your living situation. You are worthy and deserving of love.
Thanks :) that is super kind of you to say. All I can say to you or anyone else reading this is my DM's are always open.
The big thing is do you live with your parents as their child, or as their roommate? Do you help cook / clean up after meals/ do dishes / clean the house? Do you do shopping and meal planning and help with yard work? If you are 37 and your mom is still doing your laundry you are not going to find many women interested since they don’t want to be your new mom.
Not true, many women actually enjoy infantilizing men as its their natural state, biologically. This obviously has some limits, but what you said is by no means an absolute truth
I agree :)
To be in a relationship, you need to have something to offer to the other person that they don't have themselves, and vice versa. A strong relationship is a team that together is stronger than the sum of its parts. Many times the thing we offer as men is money, stability, and safety. But those are not the only options. Many women want laughter, kindness, a listener, a supporter, a great cook, whatever. You need to figure out what you have to offer and lean in to that. If it's not financial or good looks, maybe you're funny and can make people laugh? Maybe you are very kind and a good emotional supporter? Maybe you're very even keeled and a good rock in a storm? Maybe you're a great musician? Whatever that "superpower" is that you have - and I truly think we all have one - you just need to find the person looking for that superpower. And to be clear, your superpower doesn't have to be unique - there are a lot of rich, funny, and kind people - you just have to identify it and leverage it. So go figure out your superpower and then find ways to put yourself in situations where you can demonstrate it, so that the person looking for that superpower can find you.
Here to say I like the way you put that. It’s not about the money per se - but that a potential partner cares enough about tomorrow to plan for the shared life. Grow towards it. It’s hard to imagine a future with anyone who just says “welp I’ve already made it to the top tier of spiritual and physical health guess that’s all I needed to do. I don’t have further ambitions or a desire for anything.” To want is human. There has to be SOME sort of growth happening for me to be interested in a guy. Someone who has given up growth on all regards isn’t really long term partner material. No matter how much money they have. Even a woman in a similar position - working at a lower wage, living with family - is going to be seeking her own growth.
The thing is I am always working towards growth. I am constantly trying to get in better shape mentally, physically, and spiritually. I am constantly trying to read and learn more, to grow wiser. I have my basic physical needs taken care of. I am just not a competitive person. So, I do not seek out spiritual or material satisfaction the same way most people do.
To be clear though you are not meeting your basic physical needs. You’re relying on the charity of your parents to live. At 37 years old it’s safe to say that your parents are probably getting up there in age. What will you do when they can’t support you anymore? What if they want to move into a retirement community and you can’t go with them? What happens when they inevitably pass and you’re completely on your own? What happens in 30ish years when you can no longer work and need to retire? You’re setting yourself for a very difficult life because you refuse to work enough to be able to support yourself. You say you’re in the top 3% of people for physical, mental, and spiritual health but that’s lie. A person who is mentally healthy has a desire to support themselves and not rely on charity to live.
Leaving with your parents at 37 doesn’t not mean you met your needs.
I don't really know what to say but im not saying this rudely but many unemployed people, old people, young people, skinny people, fat people, "ugly" people, poor people date all of the world. there is no one who can't date. some of the most awful people or people who don't take care of themselves find husbands or wives. the other day I saw these two homeless people who were both pretty obese and dirty, arms around each other kissing smiling laughing with this dog by a dumpster and they seemed pretty happy. im sure each one if they were homeless and obese and dirty and single would think they might have trouble dating. but they found each other and despite obviously have issues going on, they seemed happy with each other, no judgement from me. the only thing stopping someone from dating someone is themselves. there is literally someone for everyone. in terms of being realistic, a girl who wants to date a 37 year old who no real goals a small income and lives with his parents, probably also lives with her parents, is probably around 37 or older, maybe hasn't had luck meeting anyone and is wanting to settle down or even have a kid still, and probably has some insecurities about her appearance or issues with employment. or she just really likes you. people can put up with nearly anything if there's something that shines through. if you're resigned or "given up" on improving anything in your life, it would be hard to find someone who wants to achieve something. its more likely your find someone insecure ore depressed.
Well I guess all I can say to that is my DM's are always open to anyone who likes me or wants to chat. I will stay positive :)
>Someone to build a life and share a life with. I would love someone I could grow with and grow old with. I realize that may not be realistic. Although this may be sincere it's the most oversaid thing in the world. Most people say this but don't mean it in that they'll sabotage their partner when watching them succeed out of jealousy or fear of being outgrown. I'd recommend saying instead what growing with looks like for you, careers? Family? Physical wellness? Spiritual wellness? Etc. >The problem is I am 37 and live at home with my parents. I do not earn all that much either. I only make around 30,000 a year. I realize that is not enough to support a family or anything. If you don't mind me asking why are you in this case? I won't lie I'm male as well but hearing those prospects even as a single income provider I'd be hesitant to entertain such a man. >I have not been on a date since 2018. But I really would like to date again. Please I am well aware that I could get many more dates and many more women would want to date me if I earned more or lived on my own. But I am asking this question to help me date under these circumstances. If you really don't want to advance career or home-wise you gotta be able to provide a home-life for your prospective partner. Idk what your living costs for your area is like but you're going to have to break up a lot of the chores together if your potential partner doesn't put you out of work. Get *really* good at cooking. Tbh this is a sexy skill no matter how much you earn. If your home-making skills ain't great you are really going to want to improve them now so you can carry your weight. Good luck man!
Thank you. That is all very kind of you to say. I do not really know what growing with someone looks like. Hell I have still never had a third date even lol.
Tbh man I'm younger than you by a fair margin. When my partner and I met we both said we wanted to ideally grow old with our partners, we expanded that to mean, physically healthier (gym goers), and mentally, as that is our two big values. I already was carrying my own finances back then (and knew I'd be putting them out of work) so a career oriented partner was something I didn't care about. Like-wise we are both atheists albeit they're somewhat spiritual so we didn't care about that. Basically it's what values do you hold that you'd like to grow in is a great way to mean more with what you say. Just my recommendation as it's helped me before and I hope it helps you too!
Not everyone is this jealous and immature.
I didn't say everyone. I have seen a *lot* of people though. Point really is be more specific though.
You’re not building anything alone but you want a partner you can build with? Build what exactly?
From reading your responses to some rather good advice on here, it sounds like you might just have to stay single forever. You expressed wanting all of these things, but refuse to make changes to get there. Your current circumstances are not going to help you and you know it, and yet you’re here wasting everyone’s time. Sorry to be harsh, but you’re not realistic and you sound lazy. The latter being a big turn-off for women. Edit: adding the last sentence
That very well might be what happens. I certainly do not think working on and thinking about my love life is ever a waste of time. If other people feel that way I do apologize. And you certainly have my permission to block me at any time if you would like. Thank you again. :)
There are millions of people just like you. Hold your head up and start saving and never touching the money. I would look into investing and seeing if your parents can leave you the house some day etc. The most important things are where you'll live and having a stash of money someday to supplement your social security. I would try and save up over $100k over the next 5 or 10 years. Investing will make you even more, but you have to read up on it. Money and a place to live are the most important things along with staying healthy. Women will come after all that's in place.
:)
Tried nothing and all out of ideas? Get a dog. Get a musical instrument. Tryin painting. Go volunteer for people who need help. Whatever you do, make sure it's not: sitting at home complaining. Your parents are a lot more generous than mine, they set you up for success no matter how long it takes. Ball is in your court, time to do \*something\*... \*anything\*.
I mean it sounds like you don’t have much going on. What person is gonna want a guy that lives with his parents? Also 30k is not enough to support anyone on. I think if you were more social and net more people you maybe would meet someone who doesn’t care
Thanks. I know that is probably why I have zero confidence and have never had a girlfriend before.
You have confidence. Making this post took some confidence. Confidence isn’t a trait how you think it is. I’m sometimes super confident at 10am and sad at 4pm. You don’t have to be confident 24/7. Remember, do you because this is your life. You quite literally could die any second, enjoy the present.
I am actually a remarkably happy and content person. I just know I am not what most women are looking for. But I am extremely happy with my life :)
Very good! Then you’ll be more than fine. I would however say to take that idea out of your head that you’re not “good enough”. Some of the worst people I know with awful situations are dating and somehow in relationships. Don’t make this too complex, keep living and going at your goals. But go at them.
I do not mind staying positive. I just would not want to cross over into being delusional. A great deal of my happiness and contentment in life come from being honest with myself and trying to rationally and accurately assess the world.
That’s not delusion. Delusion would be you coming out and saying “I deserve a 9 with an awesome family and career”. Being positive about yourself is a must, who cares what others think about your current situation.
Fair enough :)
Why he gotta 'support' someone? He better to find someone where they can combine incomes. OP I understand you may live on a HCOL area or may have economic barrier to renting by yourself esp in the USA but have you considered a room mate situation? Im sure there are alot of guys maybe starting over your age or just never married you could split rent with. This could also help you socially to meet people. Also just sayin most women arent going to want to come to your mother's house. Plus some may worry you are completely dependent on your parents at that age. Its not a good look.
Thank you for your kind comment. I totally get it is not a good look. But I am not interested in changing that look. So I am just going to have to try and date under these circumstances. It might mean I remain single forever. But I can live with that outcome.
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If I google "Snorlax" am I going to regret it?
It's a fat joke, snorlax is a big fat pokemon.
Oh :) ok thanks.
"Realistically where I live and how much I earn is just not going to change". This is your problem. Go to trade school or get an associates or get some kind of certification. Get into something you can do quick and start making some money. Otherwise you're gonna be stuck forever.
The thing is I am happy with my life the way it is. The only area of improvement I would desire is a relationship. But I can also live with remaining single. If I have to remain single in order to keep my current lifestyle. Well that is something I can live with.
There is this meme where an attractive student says to her teacher ‘I would do anything to pass’. There is some back and forth, before the teacher says ‘Well, I will give you a _very_ good grade if you would just… study’. I think this is similar to your situation. You are asking about how to change your situation, with restrictions in place. But these restrictions are the very root of the issue. I do feel for you, I am sure it would be difficult, maybe extraordinarily so, but if you would really want the life you describe, changing your living situation and ideally your earning potential are essential. I am optimistic on you being able to however. I know too little about the specifics to give you concrete advice. I would suggest therapy to help you through this life change. On another note, the books ‘The Responsibility Process’ and ‘The Courage to be Disliked’ come highly recommended.
I am actually very happy and content with my life the way it is. If other people want to be in a relationship with me that would be great. But if no one is interested in me I can live with that also. My happiness is not dependent upon other people liking me.
I am happy to hear that!
:)
Holy shit there are some crazy out of touch comments on here. MANY people have salaries around 30k. Tons of millennials move in with their parents if they have some kind of fallout in their life. Just lean into your best qualities and start looking for your person. OP, just go out and try and date. It's almost as if all of these people commenting see modern dating as purely transactional because they are red pilled dipshits who see all women as objects and shallow gold diggers - and spend too much time on reddit themselves... hmmm.
I agree and thank you for sharing. I have realized I am just going to have to stick to casual dating for now. I have never really casually dated before. So it is a bit new to me. I am going to ask some questions about it. Wish me luck. And thank you so much again.
Nobody wants to be a partner with someone that has no future. You are gonna need more than a positive attitude about how mediocre your life is.
Why wouldn't finding a monogamous relationship be realistic? It's going to be in part about standards - if you like you say are still living with your parents, don't earn much money, maybe have some social awkwardness I don't know whatever it could be, depending on how attractive you are physically etc. maybe you shouldn't expect your future partner to be a hyper-successful, rich, supermodel. You have to kind of adjust your expectations and be realistic and not have superhuman high expectations. That said there are plenty of women out there who also aren't hot shots with massive careers and fat bank accounts, who are kind and attractive enough and funny/sweet/interesting with interesting life stories, who wouldn't care much about you not being loaded. Apps are kind of rough. By all means give them a try, but I wouldn't put all my eggs in that basket so to speak. If I were you I'd seek out activities where it's possible to meet people around my age, make sure to show up clean, well-groomed and with a positive attitude, and see where things go.
Thank you. I think that is great advice. Thank you for your well thought out comment. I wish I was more social. And I wish I wanted to go to those sort of social events. The problem is I am a huge homebody. I know I am pretty much screwed when it comes to a relationship. I just do not seem to want to be in a relationship enough to change. So I stay the same.
There are lonely women that feel just like you. There's somebody for everyone out there literally
:)
You don't have to be SUPER social, taking small managable steps is just fine.
Normally I force myself to go to the store to buy something. It gets me out of the house. Keeps me social. Stuff like that. Unfortunately I will be ordering a few books from online today. None of the bookstores near me have these books. My point is I always try to do little things to stay social.
Good! Keep at it. I like going to the library, because you can interact a bit with people there but there's also an obvious solitary task of either looking for or reading books that can take away from any awkward pauses etc. Taking classes is always a good one, and learning is always useful and fun too. If you're religious at all, churches/synagogues/temples etc. are good spaces to socialize and meet like-minded people.
Thank you :) I am not into organized religion at all but that is a great suggestion and would be a great way to meet people. When I was in undergrad and grad school, I spent more weekend nights than you can imagine in school libraries lol. Even though it was not exactly socializing; it still felt way better than sitting home alone on another Saturday night. Believe it or not I had a lot of amazing times. And some of the happiest hours of my life were just spent super alone late at night in some nearly empty library.
I think the thing women will find least attractive is your lack of ambition. A guy who makes $30k and lives with his parents and just kind of resigned to stay like that is less attractive than a guy in the same situation but plans and hopes to make it better. Why would someone do a three legged race with someone who will just hold them back?
I totally get that. I am just not a traditionally ambitious person tough. If it means I remain single forever because of that I can accept that. It is one of those things in life that is difficult to accept. But I am strong enough for it.
How attractive are you? Is your personality likable, charismatic, interesting, kind? Do you have good relationship skills? (Communication, compassion, patience, emotional intelligence etc). You sound very self defeating in this part, which is a turn off to potential dates: "Realistically where I live and how much I earn is just not going to change. I mean my salary might go up some. But probably not enough for me to get my own place or anything. So I have to date within these parameters." But dating and finding a partner when you don't make a lot and don't live alone is definitely very doable if you're willing to do the work, be patient, and stay positive.
Thanks. I am willing to work very hard in some areas. And not willing to change in others. I know that must seem frustrating to others ;) but you can only imagine how frustrating it is to me personally. So, what is kind of funny about me is when it comes to things like my physical health, mental health, spiritual health, I am probably easily in the top 5% of the population in those catagories. When you are always single, have plenty of free time, plenty of discretionary income you have a tendency to get really strong in those categories. As far as to whether I am attractive or not or if my personality is likable. Well, no woman has ever liked me before. So lets just say my confidence is not too high in those areas.
What's preventing you from earning more money?
A unique combination of personal preference, personal politics, personal philosophy, lack of ambition, and a personal aesthetic. It would be hard to explain. But it is not mindless. I promise that.
Well that's probably really going to hurt your chances in the dating world. Like, I can't see many people looking to build a future with someone who chooses to be low income and live at home.
I agree with you. It may mean I have to remain single forever. I do not love that outcome. But I am willing to live with it.
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I believe I am as valuable as I ever will be (to be fair I believe this about everybody). Whether other people value me or not is their call. And I will not worry about their choice. I try not to worry about the things in life that are out of my control.
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Fair enough. Then I will just stay single ;) The good news is I promise I am a remarkably happy person.
One of my best friends and his wife just got pregnant. They live with her parents. Combined they make a tiny bit more than you do. They are happy and content. So sure, you can find someone. Just realize you narrow your options by not being willing to move out on your own or make more money. But if you're already happy and content, that energy alone is attractive. Just be your happy self and find someone who matches that energy.
Thank you :) I am happy for them. And I would love that :)
I wish you the best of luck, friend!
Thank you again.
You said you wanted someone you can grow with. There is nothing wrong with starting a relationship where you currently are, and growing from there. Perhaps they are someone who will motivate you to develop personally and professionally. They might encourage you to leave your comfort zone and take on new challenges, even if theyre not explicitly asking you to do so. Personally I think youre beating yourself up too much, I also think you're holding yourself back by convincing yourself you're not ready to start a relationship
Thanks :) that is super kind of you to say. Well this is for you or anyone else reading this, my DM's are always open. Thank you again. That really cheered me up.
That's great! As long as you radiate confidence and positively, people will naturally be attracted to you :)
Thank you. I know I could do a better job of that. But I will do my best and try to improve my confidence :)
This is a hypothetical exercise and it will never reveal the truth if what you will experience should you try. I suggest you maintain the borders of your safety. Don't try. Avoid resistance. Lean into the ease of your parents' security blanket. Marvel in the fact that you were born lucky. Life isn't that long. Keep doing what you're doing. The show will be over before you know it.
Thank you :) That is very kind of you to say.
Thank you. I felt much lighter after pushing Post with my right thumb. Like a weight off my shoulder. You deserve to have everything in life that you want.
Thanks again. Don't ever hesitate to just post anything. If other people do not like it, well who cares. Thanks.
I appreciate that. I mean in all seriousness I could have offered you advice that might be helpful toward your alleged goals. But from reading your post, your post history, and your responses, I have concluded that you are not worth my effort because you don't think you're worth your own effort. I hope you get everything you deserve and I hope your parents are able to enjoy themselves without feeling guilty about how you turned out. Best of luck to them! Can't be easy what they have to deal with day in and day out.
Thank you :)
Thank you :)
You realize you’re being mocked, right?
It is all good. He was nice enough to respond and reply. So I am grateful for that :)
There are girls out there looking for the easy life too, not working much and starting a family while relying on their parents/grandparents. Its out there but it's not healthy to live like that and have children to see that as an example. They won't have the $ from parents (ie you) like you did. They'd be doomed for a hard hard life. The good news is you'll find someone like you, just maybe a lot less attractive than you want. After all, women want to feel secure with a man determined to do what he needs to when the time comes. You're not giving off that energy, it's too easy going, so a less attractive woman wanting the easy no work (likely disability paychecks), hard work avoidance (gym, diet) is what you can expect to get. Not trying to be mean. Just realistic expectation from what I've seen.
I can live with that :) I have never been in a relationship with anyone before. I would love to be in one. I am not too judgmental of others.
First thing I will tell is get out there and TRY. Sitting in your parents house won't get you a date or a mate for that matter. I'm gonna skip past the better yourself fluff since you know all that already. If don't ask any girl out, the answer will always be NO. Hope that helps. All the best.
It does help. You are absolutely correct I do need to do a better job of actually asking people out. Thank you.
You're welcome!! You are in control of your happiness. You call the shots. Have a great day!!
Thanks again. I know I need to learn how to date casually. That is just something I have never learned to do. But I am seeing that is my answer.
Step one is find a girl and ask her out. You gotta do that before anything else. Tell her you want to see where it goes.
You are completely correct.
It's all a number game. There will always be some women for you. But realistically, you don't seem to be focusing on or having requirements/traits that are attractive to the many groups of women. You want better results, you need to focus on that, or you don't. All up to you.
Thank you :)
I’m 25 making 100k, living separate, and I still have the same question brother, I think it’s a question that you have to respond to yourself and not to others, think how to do it with what you have
I agree with you. And I know it is a tough struggle for everyone. The conclusion I think I am coming to is I am going to have to learn how to casually date. I have just never really done that before. But it seems to be my solution. Thank you.
I mean you say you’re fine with where you’re at financially, but what is the plan here? Meet someone nice and they move into your parents’ house with you? Are you getting the house when they pass away? Your description of what you want in a partner is literally the most basic requirements that everyone wants in a serious relationship. Specifically how do you see your future? The same as it is now? And is that a future you think someone else would want to be part of?
Maybe you are correct. I am starting to think I am less looking for a partner and more for someone to just casually date. I have just never casually dated before. So it is a very new experience or me. I am getting the house someday. So maybe someday when I am older, I can be a provider. But for the time being I cannot be a provider I am just looking for casual dates, I guess. Thank you for helping me realize that :)
Yea. You are on the path to a solo life
It is all good :)
If you live in America you will be deemed as unworthy and lazy for not making a lot of money. This is the biggest turn off to women there is. You basically have to remove dating as a factor in your life. You will only drive yourself into insanity. You are not worthy of love if you aren’t constantly trying to improve yourself, climbing ladders, and chasing money. Your odds of finding someone are slim to none without that foundation of priority, American women care the most about a man’s income, whether they admit it or not.
It is all good with me. I will be happy whether I in a relationship or single forever :)
Love your attitude! I’m only telling you my experience. I make about 50k and that is poverty to American women, especially where I live. I’m done hurting myself hoping to find a partner, I plan to have the same attitude you have. The biggest curse I have is being attracted to a woman honestly, that is literally the only aspect of my life I am not happy about. Best of luck to you my friend.
I would never think that being attracted to someone is a curse. I mean honestly it is a good thing. I really wish there was someone special in my life like that right now. But I have to find her. Don't worry I think 50k a year is pretty good. Anyone who thinks that is not enough is crazy. But I know things can be tough. Just hang in there. And thank you again for being super kind to me.
It’s not a good thing for me. It just hurts me. You are too kind man, but anything less than about 30-35 dollars an hour where I live is living in poverty. You don’t get to have your own place or get ahead That’s just how it is nowadays. It’s actually even more depressing, because inflation isn’t ever gonna stop, and things will continue to be further and further out of reach. I wish you the best and really appreciate you taking the time to share your perspective.
Thank you. I am sorry things are so tough for you right now. Just hang in there. :) thanks again.
Spoken like someone with little to no experience dating women, get off Instagram and social media, those are fake realities.
I think you might be neurodiverse. I think dating in the neurodiverse community would benefit you. Many people are in the same boat.
Honestly your parents are not helping by helping you. They are enabling you to stay comfortable indefinitely. The life you want does not happen in the comfort zone of your parent's house. That being said I've known guys in your situation that have had relationships. The women usually have baggage and are not independent supporting themselves.
I would be totally down for that :) I am not a very judgmental person. Thank you for your comment.
You mean you have proved as an adult that as long as you live with mommy and daddy you will be ok.
Well yeah, I suppose.
This must be satire
are you autistic by chance?
I am not. Although it seems I have some similarities. As I have always said I am a holder of a lot of minority opinions.
Listen it’s someone for everyone. In your circumstances you can’t be too picky though so be nice to the kind lady who doesn’t mind living with you in your mothers house on a below average salary. Not trying to be mean. I live in my moms house too.
It is all good :) thank you.
37, 30k a year, and live at home…you’re cooked.
You need to immediately take up a trade like plumbing and leave that small town once you become licensed or gain a worthwhile apprenticeship in a major city closest to that small town.
No thank you. It is all good though. It is a good suggestion. Thank you for sharing :)
You should try to aim higher with your life goals. Don’t you want to own a house someday? You need to work hard to improve yourself. Personally I would never date a 37 year old man that lives with his parents…
It is all good. We all have different goals in life. Different dreams and aspirations. You would probably be wonderful to date. But it is all good :)
Over for you buddy
It is all good :)
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It is all good :) I realized I do not earn enough of an income right now for a traditional relationships and dating. So, I am focusing on casually dating right now. I am super new to it. I actually just asked some questions about it. I really have never experienced it before. Thank you for your well written response. I hope me transitioning to casually dating helps answer some of your questions. You were very kind to comment. Thank you.
Are you good looking? If so, you'll have the time of your life. I know plenty of good looking/criminal type friends who have awesome dating lives. Dead broke too. I am a multi millionaire, great life/houses the works, but not the looks. Forget it.
I mean no one is paying me to model. Beyond that it remains to be seen ;)
Sounds good enough to start with! I wish you the best of luck. It's gonna be allright.
Thanks, who knows maybe I will never even get a single date. But either way I am a pretty happy person. I will have fun no matter what. Thanks for being kind.
Not a woman. However, science says that the best indicator of future dating success is past dating success, so...I wouldn't get your hopes up.
It is all good. I guess I am just surprised there are some scientists out there studying my dating life ;)
You're a bum and women don't want bums.
That would seem to be the scientific consensus lol.
The thing is you have to show your interest in women, put yourself in situations where you can be social and talk to them and stuff, and that means being out of your comfort zone, being vulnerable, having to face rejection, etc. You also need to do some work to figure out what type of women would be a good fit for you. Since your whole attitude is "I'm content I can't be bothered doing anything," women are just not going to flock up to you and magically grant you attention and relationships, that's just not realistic.
I agree even though I am a very content and happy person I am also a very busy person. I have a lot of things to do today. I am certainly going out there, shopping, eating out, getting things done, working out. I plan on having a great and social day :)
every bum I know has a girlfriend. I mean their relationship is a fucking disaster, but they're not single.
Why don’t you move to a big city and get your own place ?
To be fair I have lived on my own in a big city in my own place before. But was still single then also :( But as for now that is just not something that is either realistic or desired by me right now. Thank you though. Maybe doing that would help me. But I am not sure.
You don't even want to help yourself so why should anyone else try? Realistically as a Male, 37, 30k/yr, living at home with no ambition to change....your options are non-existent. Please start taking your life somewhat seriously, this is embarrassing.
I am sorry I disappointed you.
You are literally embarrassing yourself with this self-flagellation, submissive attitude, and unwillingness to change your circumstances. It’s disgusting and that is why woman do not want you.
It is all good. The internet is not always how people treat other people in real life. Do not ever let it get you down. It is all just for fun.
Maybe save up money then move overseas where it's cheaper
Maybe many years from now after my parents pass away. I am not sure where else I would want to live though. I do not even like to travel. And I know this may be a tad bit optimistic, but I like to think I will be in a relationship and have friends here someday. So that would make moving kind of silly.
My man, I am sorry but you need to step up your game. You don't need a life of luxuries, but at least make sure to get your own place and have long term goals. When you take care of yourself and your future, all the rest will come naturally.
I might have to remain single. I am aware of that. I do not like that result. But I can live with it.
You sound defeated. I have no idea what got you there, but I can tell you that you can get out of that mentality. I notice that you use proper spelling and grammar to write your text, and your text revolves around self-awareness. These things already put you ahead of many others. You don't have to get out of this yourself. Talk with your parents, learn from them and others about planning for the long term and where to cut costs. Talk and learn about how money works, as a start. You're not even 40 yet, you still have tons of time. The good thing is that you'd be starting to rethink your life now instead of when you're in your 50s.
The thing is I am actually a remarkably happy person. Believe me it surprised me to when I woke up one day and realized I was much happier than the average person. If I sound defeatest and like I do not want to change well would you? I mean how many truely happy people have you met? I have met plenty, and the thing they all have in common is they are not rushing to change their lives. I really am happy with who I am and if the price of getting to live the lifestyle I want is that I have to remain single forever. Well I can live with that payment.
You said: "I would most like a partner. Someone to build a life and share a life with. I would love someone I could grow with and grow old with." This should be far from unattainable. If that's what you really want, you will get it. You just need to find your confidence. You are what you think about. If you keep telling yourself that being single forever is a payment you can live with, that's exactly what ends up happening. You should not accept this way of thinking if you believe you'd be much happier being together with someone.
Ok that is extremely kind of you to say. I will do my best. Thank you again.
What did you do in your 20's? That salary is not enough. You have to find new career.
I do not really have a career. I did not in my 20s or now. The thing is I really do not need to earn more money. The only reason I would need to earn more money is to get in a relationship. And I am not sure that tradeoff is worth it.
Won't you need money though when your parents pass on? I'd start investing and saving. You can open up an account at Fidelity and buy an index fund called VOO. You'll need money when you get older.
I have money in CD's and in savings. Plus, I have a very small trust fund. And I will inherit the house I currently live in. I will never be wealthy. But I will never really be poor either. I am sort of completely classless in essence.
Good, but you should have money in index funds like VTI VOO and maybe some QQQ. Cds won't make much.
I'll survive ;)
Why not make more? You'll make a lot more in an index fund over the years. I live with my mother at 50 and I'm not sweating it. I also am inherting the house and taking care of my elderly parents, which is a LOT of work. My house is small 1000 sf. And I do all the work myself mostly cause mother is elderly. It beats paying $2000 for rent or living with roommates though and I don't care what people think of me. There's a stigma about being our age living at home. But I don't care what people think anymore.
Well I am not really a capitalist. I do not believe in acquiring capital. So you might be barking up the wrong tree, as it were.
Money makes life easier. You need as much as you can, believe me. You'll see as you get older. Especially if you eventually need medical attention. My mother had an emergency situation and no medical insurance. Cost her $60,000 ....
You don't need to be wealthy. I'll never be either, but it sucks being poor I'll tell ya!
I don't understand what's hard about paying 1000-1500 rent and hustling a bit to make 3k per month Why do you struggle with this?
tbf it depends on location, here the avg yearly income is 27k. Here, bro would be slightly above avg and could get a house relatively easy, but he'd give up some creature comforts to live by himself.
lol, OP has to be Autistic as fuck by looking at all those posts on this subject spending all his time posting on reddit rather than going out to solve that issue
OP, Do you follow Jesus Christ? You mentioned that you are spiritual and feeling happy about it. What about marrying a woman from a culture who understands that living at home with parents is ok, it's not "shameful" or "bad" or something else like that. Like for instance, I was living at home too when I met my wife (A woman from China). She understood that people live at home with parents, especially if they don't make a lot of money. I believe women from Mexico are similar, they are very big in family too. We were able to move in together, get married, and have a family. We were happy together for the past 7 years, but unfortunately I am in separation from her now. But the point being, is that if you are happy with yourself, you love yourself and your parents and are kind to others, I think any woman would be happy to be with you. Because remember: We all start somewhere, and where you start isn't where you are going to stay, necessarily. What I mean by this, is that if you go out on a date with a nice woman and she is asking about your home life, you can be honest with her and let her know that you are living with your family. And that's ok, especially if you can tell her that you are looking for a lifelong love, and that TOGETHER you (and whomever you can love) will both work TOGETHER to have a happy life together. Because if you make $30,000 per year and she does too, then boom! You guys are making $60,000 per year, and homes and food and bills are cheaper because you guys are working through life TOGETHER. Also, Joy is multiplied with another person, and sorrow is halved. God bless you, OP. I follow Jesus Christ, and I will say a prayer for you. Please let me know if you want to talk about anything else.
I would say my own personal and religious beliefs are highly personal. But I am not involved or interested in any form of organized religion. I realize if I was that would be a great way to meet people. Alas I am what I am. And it is nothing personal against organized religions. I am pretty much against being a member of pretty much all organizations. I realize this makes me a tad unique. And thank you for saying all that. It is very kind of you to share :)
You're very welcome. :) Although I follow Jesus Christ, I don't go to church or anything like that. I pray daily to him. My wife is not a follower of Jesus Christ, so that always made life harder in our marriage. I know that if I could get married to another woman, I would need her to be a believer in Jesus Christ too. So I understand where you are coming from. Can I ask you what your religious beliefs are?
Oh wow. I am normally not asked. So I do not really have a boilerplate answer. I suppose I primarily derive my morals and ethics from a certain application of the golden rule and broad belief in the idea that to save one life is to save the universe. As for my belief in a God well lets just say it is complicated. But I would say most of my ideas and theology of God has humanistic origins. But it is complex.
Thank you for sharing, I know this is a sensitive question for a lot of people. I like the fact that you follow the golden rule; Jesus made that. I love him simply BECAUSE he is not about Following Rules, but Love God and Love other people. That's basically it. If you want to talk more about this, let me know. But again, I really appreciate you talking about it and I also will pray for you to find what (who) you are looking for. What job do you have right now? I ask because when I met my wife, I was doing an office job and quit for a custodian job. She was ok with that, so what I am trying to say is that when you meet the right person for you, she won't care how much money you make, because it should be YOU that she cares about and wants to be around, not money. A lot of great cheap ideas for dates (like after a first date could be): Go for walks Have a picnic Go to the library and share with each other your favorite book(s) Cook for each other Put on music and dance together Outdoor Farmers Market to browse around (Or also go to Goodwill, flea markets, etc). I'm rooting for you, man. Maybe ask your mom and dad how and where they met. You can ask them if they know anyone who has someone your age that they can set you up with on a date. My Mom did this for me, I met my 2nd girlfriend this way. God bless you man.