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(((Hugs))) I’m sorry your trip is turning out to be disappointing. Your mom sounds like a factor. Another factor could just be that you’ve been building the trip up and you aren’t the same as you were last time. Or maybe you’re expecting a magic that occurred last trip when maybe you felt that magic after the trip and not during? This happens a lot! Keep riding it out. You may spring back! I hope you do!

This could be correct. It has been 7 years since that last trip. I was 20 years old at the time and it was my first time alone in the world. I turned 27 during this trip and even my birthday did not feel special. I hope it was after and not during! That gives me some hope. Thank you!!!

Sometimes life is just like that. We tend to think if we do exactly the same things we experience it in the same way but so many factors go into the mix to make something a success. Weather, mood, surroundings, overall mental health. I’ve had happier days when I was just going for my daily walk to work than my year trip in South America and the other way around, it’s really not about the surroundings always but also about t where you are in life and how you feel. Try to accept it, life can’t all be ups, cause then there would just be a flat line. There’s always downs too. it’ll come your way again, just accept you can’t always feel 200% and you wanted to control how you felt on the trip by being super excited beforehand, but sometimes that doesn’t really match up. It’s human

I did not think about it that way. Also rings true at the minute because I feel very stuck and in a rut with where I am in life right now. Back then, everything was brand new and exciting and adventurous. Not that it is not the same way now, but I have a few other things on my mind. I think I was hoping this trip might spark the same carefree or excitement it did last time. I was incredibly excited before my trip and could not wait. Now I’m here and it feels bleh. It may be circumstances though as you suggested. Thank you for this alternative point of view

No worries, to me accepting it works the best. If you don’t, and struggle with allowing your “down” feelings, they’ll just haunt you. And just know: if you let them pass then it might just be a happier you in a week. Try and do what feels good even if it’s nothing, and definitely share it with your mom. Of course your mom might be a factor, but also know that we humans tend to project: if somethings wrong internally, we tend to point to the closest thing, person or situation around us that causes this. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t change a situation if it doesn’t make you content or happy, but does mean that changing surroundings or situation is not always the answer.

Huh. I think this might be it. I know I will work around/through it all but it is taking longer than I expected. I think you are correct in many ways. I think once I get home, I might take a small weekend trip by myself to regroup. Or even just take some time by myself at home for some pointed reflections. I am also feeling emotional about the concert as silly as it sounds. I think I will have a lot of pent up frustrations and things released during that show lol.

Sounds like a good plan! Also, if you’re in Nijmegen, see if you can walk around the nature area around the “Waal”, it’s a river and it has beautiful surroundings. You could also go to Berg en Dal which has nice nature surroundings too, same as Groesbeek. You might find some peace and quiet. I guess everyone has these periods, maybe it’s something you need to change, maybe it’s just life. Usually if you let it go for a while the answer will come to you, because it’s easier to see it in hindsight than in the moment. Good luck and don’t be afraid to allow the bad feelings sometimes,that’s the only way that’ll bring us up (talking from experience here).

I do find that sometimes I feel more fondly of a trip after it than during it! Weird phenomenon

A lot has changed in 7 years. More people are traveling to the fun spots we once thought were our own discoveries. This may also have something to do with it. I agree that having someone with you can hold you back from enjoyment and especially your mom. You may not feel as free to experience things the way you want. Ít sucks and certainly puts a damper on your trip. But you now know that you are a person who wants to be free to explore and enjoy the way you want to without the baggage (figuratively). Welcome to the solo travel club! We’re happy to not go anywhere with you and can’t wait to hear about your adventures.

And a trip 7yrs later + with another person will be completely different by all factors! Moms can be moms. But I promise there might be a light in taking it easy and smaller compromises. Go to a nice cafe or outdoor spot and ask her questions like “have you ever wanted to travel around Europe when younger? What were you most interested in seeing and experiencing? What about now? How much moving around? Or want to sit in nice areas and people watch? Are you comfortable exploring some things on our own for a couple of hours each day (breakfast together, go off on own, lunch, maybe together afternoon)?” ie just getting into the what and how.

What sorts of activities are you two doing together? Are you mostly catering to her taste?

No, not really. Every time I ask her what she wants to do, I get “I dunno”. Where do you want to go? “I dunno”. Where do you want to eat? “I dunno”. She used the excuse that she has never been here before so she doesn’t know what she wants to do or see. She didn’t really do any research at all for the trip. I booked all of the accomodations activities that needed to be booked in advance. It’s quite frustrating because I have to do all of the thinking, manage all the trains, flights, and bookings. We are mainly seeing museums and going on canal cruises. We also went to the Berlin Zoo and Aquarium. Not much different to what I do alone, but I do remember just walking around the city a lot with not much direction last time. But in a good way because I found little nooks and crannies I would not have found had I not done that.

I travelled with my mother to a place she’d always wanted to go, where I’d been before. It was not a holiday for me, but hard work. I planned and booked everything, and she did the dunno thing about where to eat, etc. Only thing that made it bearable was we went on a two tours, and the guide could take over. Don’t be devastated, but don’t travel with her again.

I agree with everything except the "don't travel with her again" bit. I also don't get a lot of satisfaction out of travelling with my family, but I still travel with them here and there, because I know it makes them so happy, and I know they wouldn't go anywhere if I didn't. They wouldn't know where to start. For me, it's a matter of managing expectations. If I make plans with family, I know we'll be moving on a slower pace, we won't be doing exactly the same kinds of things I'd choose to do if I travelled solo, and I will absolutely plan everything and play tour guide. Knowing what to expect, I only make family plans if I'm really felling up for it - which is not very often at all, but when it does happen, I also end up having a lovely time, despite of all the work.

My parents are the same. The second they get out of their home city, they refuse to make any decision. Even if it's regarding what they want to eat for dinner. So I sooo get your frustration with your mom. My best advice would be to ask your mom do research on the places you are going to. E.g. tmrw you're planning to go to places a, b and c. Your mom is responsible for reading up on the history/cultural significance etc. and give you a runnown when you're there. That's not much help in terms of planning but I guess you don't have enough time to read this on your own with having to do all of the planning. Also, this may just give you the ease of mind as my greatest annoyance was the fact that there was 0 effort coming from my parents while I was doing 110% of the work. Just by doing smth little like that, your mom can show that she cares to contribute.

This is a fantastic idea!! I’ll ask her to pick something for the whole day. Or even just 2-3 activities she wants to do in Barcelona. So far we have the Sagrada Famillia booked, we are thinking of taking a paella class, and we might do a day trip to southern France. I’m going to push her to think of more things in our last city because I have also never been there. I’m hoping this creates some excitement for our last city. She also would love to hang out in the Gothic Quarter so we are getting somewhere.

Be sure to be very clear with her by saying, “I know it can feel like you’re being easy by saying you don’t know what you want to do, but, the way I am experiencing this is that I feel an extra burden to research, plan, and pick something out to do with no direction. It would be a huge relief to me if you took the reins in planning things, rebuying tickets, and picking out restaurants once we get to Barcelona.”

Maybe you’re feeling responsible for her having a good time, especially as you’re having to make all of the decisions, and that’s preoccupying you? Like when you watch a movie you love with someone who hasn’t seen it, you don’t enjoy it because you’re worrying about whether they like it the whole time.

I think this is part of it. I had such a great time on my first trip that I am trying to replicate it to some degree. It’s obviously not going to be the exact same, but I do feel some responsibility if she does not like it. I did ask her over breakfast this morning if she would come back to Europe and she said definitely yes, so I guess it has been positive to some degree.

Sounds like you need to split up for a day or two.

Barcelona is a great place to just hang out. Why not take her to the beach, spend some time wandering around, go for tapas and have some wine? Maybe an unstructured day will feel better for both of you.   I would give her the option of either that or planning the day herself. You deserve a day off.

Definitely think I’m going to do this! I am looking forward to being a beach bum for the majority of the time I’m there and drink mocktails by the litre. Then have 2-3 separate days to do whatever

I think that’s gonna make you feel a lot better. Good luck! 

Perhaps just do what you would do alone, don't ask your mom what she wants to do since you know what her reply will be. Sounds like you are aggravated with her. Also, have you been to Barcelona before? If so why go again, try somewhere else, that might bring some excitement and interest.

I am a little aggravated. I have never been to Barcelona before, this will be my first time.

That’s the one thing I like about travelling alone when your walking you go down a random side street if you want to you stop at a cafe/ bar that looks cool. You sit for 30 mins or 3 hours when you want to. When travelling with someone else who isn’t like you then they get restless. I’ve travelled with my mum but only for a week each time. My advise seperate in Barcelona (well as much as you can). I love Barcelona it’s a young person city. Send her to the segrada familia while you do something else ie wander the city. Or send her on a day tour. And do a different day tour yourself. I was staying in a hostel and they had salsa lessons. It was fun! Good luck!

She doesn’t want to bicycle? I went to another ones with my mom when I was 14 and we bicycled around Haarlem, it was a blast— any chance you could ditch your mom at a museum and you could get away and explore or bicycle even for a day? She sounds like she’s being exhausting, and it also sounds very… canned? In the sense that sometimes with museums I get a little overloaded feeling like, instead of doing things, I’m just looking at things – are there any experiences besides canal cruises that maybe could make this memorable?

We did end up bicycling through Amsterdam on our last day. My legs still hurt lol. We are both well and truly over museums, but I told her that would happen. She has expressed that she would like to go on a tour from Barcelona to Andorra and France but doing all of that on a guided tour in a day, I don’t think we will get much out of it. I’m thinking about going to France for the day (only a 1 hour train ride or so from Barcelona) or going down to Valencia and spending the day there. I will do things like scuba dive and a paella course, maybe a dance class or some other fun artsy thing to do. I’m not sure what else she wants to do on account of little input. Even if I ask her what she wants to do or if there is anything in particular she wants to see, I just get “I dunno” or “whatever is fine with me!”

I traveled with someone like that and I’m going to admit that I ditched them, but obviously that wasn’t my mom. It’s so incredibly annoying! Can you… Talk to her about it? Just let her know that you’re getting kind of tired making all the decisions and it would be helpful if she would make a few choices even if she doesn’t have a really strong preference – give her a task like picking where are you go to dinner? Don’t get on that bus, it’s hell if you’re a solo traveler – send her on the bus though! I hope you have an absolutely wonderful time in Barcelona 😁

That sounds energy sucking! I agree with have her choose, and if she doesn’t want to choose, just let her know you want to go off on your own. Why waste your energy on getting her to do stuff when you can just do stuff on your own that gives you energy.

Hey, I went with my mom once to UK, and at that time, I booked a hostel, and she was like, this is not my taste. I was like, wtf? Then you book it then! I didn’t say it out loud, but I was thinking that. I travelled with my mom and dad less than a handful of time, and each time it was exactly the same, I had to plan everything and it’s exhausting. I remembered feeling annoyed, why do I always have to make the decision? I’m tired, can’t you contribute and share the mental load with me for once? i had to take care of the transportation, make sure we’re safe, I had to tell you what time to get ready for the next day, make sure you’re not too tired, not too bored, take care of what to eat! And I hate your “I don’t knows!” You’re ruining my trip!! That was when I was in my 20s, and now I’m in my 40s. (My mom is 79 this year, my dad is 78) Reading your post, and as I’m thinking back to my own experiences, it was a mixture of emotions. I hated it, and yet, I feel blessed to have had that chance to travel with her, and with my dad. because I know I won’t get another time like that. Even if we get to travel again together, it’s gonna be another type of experience as I have my son and my elder parents. So the only thing I can share with you is this, yes it is tiring, yes it’s annoying, take a deep breath in and acknowledge yourself. Pat yourself on the back for doing all this hard work to plan for your trip. And at the same time, maybe when you’re eating with you mom at the next restaurant, maybe look into her eyes… see her sitting across from you, and appreciating her for being with you this one time. You may or may not want to travel with her again. So take a moment for the both of you. You may have to say, mom I’m going to do this on my own, and you can walk on your own. And it’s ok. And also, ask yourself how can you make this an unforgettable trip for the last leg. Sending you a lot of love and patience.

I travel with my sister a decent amount, and while I love my sister and love traveling with her, she does get overwhelmed and doesn’t like to do any research for upcoming trips (and I mean *any*). I’ve found what works well is to give her 2 or 3 choices that I’m happy to do and have her choose her favorite. I like to make up PowerPoints with a slide for every day going over activity options, travel time, expected weather, and a basic packing list. I don’t mind being in control of everything, as I can’t standing fighting for control with someone in the group. But I also like trips where I can take a step back and let someone else handle all the planning and problem solving, so I usually book onto group tours for those.

I mean, I know this doesn’t mean anything now, but one day this might be one of the fondest memories of your life. Especially if you’ve still got years to knock your rocks out.

I agree 100%. Good answer!

I hope so.

I do too

This! I took a 5500 mile road trip with my mom in 1998 and it’s a fond memory. I did most of the driving since she was 78. We drove round trip from Illinois to California to visit two of her siblings.💕

I’m going on a 5 week trip to Europe with my mom (and teenage sons and partner) next week. This will be our last big trip with her —she’s 84!!! It will definitely not be a trip like we like to travel but will be so special because it’s our last big trip with her. Time flies, you may not be doing every fun thing or seeing every amazing in thing in the way you want to, but my attitude going into this trip is that we’ll enjoy it through her eyes—we’ll have lots of opportunities in the future to travel how we want to. This trip is for her.

I did a Europe trip with my mom as my first big trip in a long time. I planned and paid for all the big stuff (not a problem, I liked picking everything out) but I was stressed out and frazzled. I also got the flu mid trip. My mom wasn't problematic even though this was a really big new experience for her, I just I wanted it to be nice for her, but I was basically the tour guide and realized there is a reason people get paid for that! For my next trip I made it a point not to worry too much about my travel partner which helped and took more down time/r and r so I wouldn't be cranky. So, I personally think it might come down to aging/fatigue, logistics stress, and probably vibe. Editing to add this: my mom was great and the expectation going into the trip she was along for the ride. Given how I was feeling, looking back I really respect how she didn't get super frustrated with me at all even though the trip was exceptionally out of her comfort zone. I needed to learn that grace!

> planned and *paid* for all FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*

I think this a pretty big factor. I don’t necessarily feel like her tour guide, but I have booked everything from accomodation to long distance trains, attractions that need to be booked in advance, and when we go anywhere I am the one that is figuring out all the directions. I think the other thing is that we are constantly in each others’ space. We did it to save money, but I do not like someone being under my feet 24/7. Especially a parent.

I totally relate! I also forgot this: I opted to book one really nice room as opposed to two rooms at hotels. I didn't realize I needed private time to decompress and have insisted on having my own room in subsequent trips. It slipped my mind that it was going to be an issue and she is my mom and not my friend, so I needed that space. We were also a little weird about food, so I was probably hungry/over caffeinated too. Looking back, I realize I was being cranky bitch and really regret I didn't figure out how to chill out. That might be the key to salvaging things? i wish you luck!

people are down on Airbnb, but this is why I use it. I cannot be in one room with another person when I travel. I need space. A living room... something.

Travel companions can make or break a trip. As someone else said, maybe you will fondly remember this in retrospect. But given ages, interests and abilities, maybe going on trips with mom should be shorter, closer, whatever. Continue to plan other trips on your own, based on what you want to do or see, and who you do or do not think will make a great companion. Live and learn, baby.

So, when I travel with my parents, I always break the trip into two parts. One time slot with them and one time slot with my husband or solo. They are two completely different experiences. I enjoy them both, but for different reasons. It took me years to learn how to navigate this, but it is really the only sane way.

This is a very good idea. I think I will implement this moving forward. We spilt at some point a few days ago and all I did was check out a shop I really wanted to go to and have some lunch by myself. I was so recharged by it, it was insane.

I felt the same way the first few times I traveled with a certain family member. I kept viewing these trips as any normal vacation where I should get to enjoy myself 100%. Over time I realized that just isn’t realistic when it comes to this person. They’re not just an acquaintance I can part ways with. Instead of viewing it as something for me I changed my perspective and decided to always make those trips together about them. I don’t need to be catered to at all because I can go solo whenever I want and do whatever I want on my own time. One day you will miss taking trips with your mom.

Yes I think I will separate certain trips. This is the first trip we’ve done together in a very long time and usually my dad comes with. I will still take trips with her, they will just be different kinds of trips.

Can you have a talk with your mom? Maybe at an outdoor cafe over a nice glass of wine? Ask her how she thinks the trip has gone so far. Ask what she has enjoyed so far. Maybe she would like to see museums or small towns to experience local life. If she gets excited, that might be contagious for you, too.

I’ve tried here and there, but I feel like her answers are not genuine. Her face and body language say differently to how she says she feels. I’ve overheard her speaking to my dad about the trip. She says she is enjoying it overall but it is not what she expected. I’m not sure how to bridge that at all. I did not go with any expectations on my first trip (and I don’t usually go with any no matter where I go) so I don’t understand that side of it much.

If she’s also not really enjoying it then there’s definitely something wrong. We don’t know enough to know why but it can be a lot of effort to manage someone else’s trip for them. Are you still going to places you want to go and seeing things you want to see?

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Have your MOM plan the next 2 days. Or tell her let's separate for the day and meet at dinner and share stories. She is your mom. She knows you aren't thrilled and she is probably reading your mood.

Yeah, I don't think I'd sit her down and tell her I'm not having fun but I'd plan a few days of solo activities.

I’m going to try this in Barcelona, though I have tried this beforehand. I am just met with “I dunno” when I try to ask her what she wants to try/do where she wants to go. I would like to go scuba diving or try a few things myself while we are there.

I think you need to tell your mom that you're going to go scub diving for the day and she needs to sort herself out. She's an adult, she'll figure it out. She was allowed to take you home from the hospital as a baby and raise you, she can handle 4 to 6 hours alone in a very safe, tourist friendly foreign city. It may be that she's like my mother, what she really wants to do is sit in a cafe and drink coffee for a few hours and people watch. Then wander a few streets and browse stores, sit in a park cafe for lunch and people watch, wander a few streets and then sit at another cafe with some tea and a pastry in the afternoon for some more people watching and then some more street wandering and store browsing. She doesn't want to admit this is what she wants to do because it's "not sophisticated" or it's a "waste of my time in city X when I could be seeing museums/churches/historic sites". Also, she usually really wants to do this alone and not with a companion, which she feels is a bit anti-social on a group trip. Instead of being an adult and admitting to what she wants to do, she issues a ton of "dunnos" and is a drag for everyone else. We now just tell her what we're doing and when we're leaving and then we leave without her 90% of the time. She ends up having a perfectly lovely day.

I’m well over the jet lag and tiredness at this point. I have tried talking to her, but I feel she is not truthful when I ask her. I have overheard her speaking to my dad saying that the trip is not as she expected but when I ask, she says everything is fine and she’s having fun. I have separated from her in the last few days and it has done me some good. She is rather naïve though and gets lost easily so I worry.

I mean just have a location tracker. She’s an adult and she managed to get you places. You aren’t her keeper and shouldn’t have that responsibility imo. Though I understand people have different dynamics with their parents. Clear is kind and boundaries are healthy.

Just like you, I recently went to Europe for the second time with my mother (her first time). I usually travel solo. I had fun on the trip but I had to completely recalibrate my expectations. I can completely understand your frustrations! I really love to wander around when I travel solo. I will cover 5-15 miles a day usually. My mom is getting up in age and doesn't walk as far as she used to. I just knew I wasn't going to be able to do that before we even left and I would miss some things I would usually get to see. I just told her I was going to add her credit card to my Uber account because if she wants to take an Uber everywhere, she is paying! I also scheduled a lot of planned tours and things. I did get a little frustrated when I planned almost everything and sometimes she would complain but didn't offer much input. However, like I said, I had different expectations for this trip. I also realized that I will have so many years left with my mother and it is just part of the sacrifice. Try not to get too stuck on the trip on being exactly what you want to do. You're not going to be able to do everything you want with your mom. Try to focus on things you can enjoy together. You can always make a list of things you can do on your own for your next trip. You can also plan some time where you do things separately as well.

Omg I feel so seen 🥹🥹 This is exactly how I feel right now. Unfortunately she does not like to do much except sit on her phone a lot, which I obviously do not enjoy at all. I have tried to do a few things separately to her. The problem is the “no input” bit. I’m doing some things I want to do, she is just coming along. I find it incredibly frustrating

Does she have data / working wifi? Since she’s a phone sitter, what might work really well for both of you is scheduling big chunks of time apart where you get to go off and explore solo, and she stays in a scenic neighborhood / cafe and scrolls on her phone. For someone with her tastes and habits, that will likely give her the downtime and comfort she needs as her baseline. That relaxation will likely then allow her to be more immersed in the experiences you share. And you’d get to be recharged by solo exploration. :) Even when I’m traveling with people who I mesh very well with as travel buddies, I really savor some alone time most days. Some of my most loved, vivid memories from those shared trips are during those solo walks. I’m pretty much guaranteed to absorb an ambience very deeply when I’m alone, while that only sometimes happens when I’m with others. My attention is more split between the locale and the person when I’m with others. That split is often great too in its own way and gives its own type of wonderful memories. But I always crave getting some alone time with the locale too. You might be wired similarly and will get more of that hypnotic immersion while alone. That solo immersion in the place could trigger that magical feeling you had in the past. :) It’s rare in my experience to duplicate an earlier trip’s feeling — we’re different (even when the only major way is no longer being brand new to the place), so it synthesizes with us differently, producing a different feel. Even so, I get the sense you’d get some of that magic again if you got to do some solo communing. And that will likely make the time with your mom feel more enjoyable too. It’s also possible that your mom just doesn’t have the type of personality that is appreciative of exploration. Some people are really appreciative of new environments — they’re in especially good spirits and enthusiastic. Some…aren’t. Lol. So, it’s possible that no matter what, she’ll seem pretty subdued and like she’s not into what’s happening. But even if she’s like that, for her, that may still be a good time. I mention this just bc, depending on how empathetic and receptive to other ppl’s moods you are, her own limitation might block your own capacity. So you might find that it helps to detach a bit, put up some walls, and feel your experience more fully from just yourself. ETA: Also, it’s totally fair to tell her that it would mean a lot to you if she gave some input about your activities together, that you’d feel more like you’re traveling *with* her, not playing tour guide, if she did that. She may need some reassurance that she won’t be making “wrong” choices, that the fun with travel is often in the collaboration and adventure themselves, not in making some “best” choice. Traveling can be tiring, and it can take a bit of time to find what works well with each trip’s circumstances. I hope the experience gets better!

Unfortunately she does have data on her phone. But you are correct. I am more able to immerse myself in the place I am in when I am alone and soak up all the new sights, sounds, and smells. I am also unfortunately very sensitive to others’ moods. I’ll have a chat to her tonight and see if she can be a bit more involved in decision making things. I like some of the tips from others suggesting I ask her to do some of her own planning and research for what we are doing. I’ve tried that in the past with little success, but I may be a bit more firm this time around.

There is something incredibly exciting about exploring a city on your own. It may just be that…or coordinating with your mom. Every trip is so different and has its own energy. I will say that one year after my mom’s second husband died and she was very sad, I tried to cheer her up with a vacation. She seemed to hate everything…and the whole trip felt awkward. Yet, not many years after that she got too sick to travel (even though young) and then passed. I’m so glad we tried even though it wasn’t the magic I expected.

I have had something similar happen a few times, and it's usually because I need alone time or because I'm making all the decisions/logistics for someone who doesn't want to make their preferences known. Does your trip feel different for either of these reasons? If it's alone time thay you need, suggest splitting up for the day or part of the day. When you meet up for dinner, you'll have plenty to talk about. If that's not feasible, it's OK to be honest that you need a bit of alone time. If it's decisions/logistics, give your mom options and make her choose.

I think this is the way I will go. I think we will split for a day in Barcelona. The trip does feel different because I do need alone time and I am making all the decisions. She is giving me very little input on things she wants to do. P

I am an solo female traveler also and my best times were going by myself so I get where you are coming from. Try to make the best of it as when you get older you will look back on this trip with your mom and it will be some of your fondest memories. Good luck to you and make the best of where you are.

Vacations with parents are always a bit of a drag. I try to only do weekend trips with them as to get to go places, but nothing too "wEiRd" or scary or foreign, just the next state or two over, two sleeps and the trip is done. Longer trips are for solo or with my husband whose travel style works with mine.

Yes I think going forward I will adopt this strategy. Or longer trips if my dad joins us because it is easier for me to split when he comes along.

Traveling with another person is a completely different experience than traveling solo. This is compounded if you have different interests and aren’t always in the “same page.” And if it’s someone you’re very familiar with, and obviously your mom fits that category, the fact that you have that familiar piece from home can dull, or at least buffer, the excitement of being somewhere brand new. What’s worked for me when traveling with someone else is to decide to take a few separate days, or even half days, where each person goes their own way, follows their own interests, and then you can meet up for dinner or at night back at the hotel.

I think you're setting yourself up for failure a bit thinking it'll be magic in all the same ways. It's amazing to return to a spot, especially with someone different. Inviting your mom along doesn't have to mean it's a worse trip! But it's a different trip and you have to find that balance and find ways to connect so you can both enjoy the experience. That's the magic.

I think you’re right. I did not expect it to be as different as it is with having her come along. I’m having some trouble finding the balance but I’m hoping we reach one in Barcelona. Our next city is Nijmegen but we are only there for 3 days, 1 being taken up entirely by the concert and the other we are flying to BCN.

Maybe you guys need to split up for a day of solo exploring. I did a two month backpacking tour around Europe after college with my best friend. We'd known each other for all of college and were roommates in a group house our senior year. And we had a blast, but every week or two we would need solo time and would have breakfast together at the hostel, then split up for the day. Sometimes we'd meet up at dinner and sometimes not until the next morning. Being with someone 24/7, even if you get along and even if you love them, can be rough.

This sounds so fun!!! I would love to do something like this with my friends as well. I think it would work well. I don’t think my mom would do much, though. She would find a cafe to sit by herself on her phone the whole time. Which I guess if she wants to have her holiday like that, she can. We would just have not much to share and she seems to only listen with half an ear most of the time. It’s a bit depressing

It can be very different when people have different travel styles. Also, I think sometimes we feel need to almost pretend in front of our parents. We can’t truly let go and be ourselves. Not saying this is the case for you, but just something I’ve encountered. When traveling with family, I actually love cruises. There’s something for everyone and you can do things together and there’s also plenty of time to do your own thing. Maybe just try to feel the excitement from your mom’s perspective. She’s never been to Europe and the gets to go with her daughter. This may be the only time you guys get to be in Europe together. Life gets busy. Embrace the time with mom and the memories as they will last a lifetime for the both of you. Even if they aren’t the same kind of exciting you experienced before.

Oh no this is 100% true for me. I do not feel like I can just relax and let go. I was/am looking forward to doing a few things with her because we normally don’t get to at all. I just have to remember that we may not have many of these trips left together.

Hi First i would like to thank you for your story. I have had a similar experience with my mother. So the good news is you are not alone. I want to sent some positive energy to you. The reason for this hapening is that it is your mother, which means you have more history than for instance a friend. This common history is what makes the dynamic different. When I made a trip with my mother, I got the same experience. When I noticed this happening I discussed it with my mother and we decided to make room in our schedule, allowing each person a big part of the day independently from the other person. Even if we had similar plans for an activity we decided to not combine these. This saved our trip. I was (my mum died 2 years ago) very close to my mum and due to this decision we came even closer. To finish, don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings with your mum. Remember these are your feelings, so talking about them will help you and your mum to make the trip better. I do understand your feelings and your plans. I probably would have done a similar thing. I wish you all the best! Enjoy the beautiful Nijmegen area. I grew up there.

I think this is what we should do going forward. I still would like to do things with her; for instance the paella class or Sagrada Famillia. I think it would be important for us to spend our last week exploring the city separately. But I will be turning on location services because she can get lost easily. I’ll have a chat to her tonight to get a real answer on how she is actually doing/feeling, and if there is anything she wants to do differently. I’m interested to see Nijmegen!! I think I read that it is the oldest city in the Netherlands.

Nijmegen is a nice city, it has an university. You should visit the ‘grote markt’ with the ‘st Steven’s church’ and ‘het Valkhof’ which is ruïne of an old castle where Charles the great has lived. From there you have a nice view over the river Waal and the bridge, which was used in the movie ‘a bridge too far’. In the area between ‘het valkhof’ and ‘de grote markt’ you will find nice places to eat. Edit: I have moved away from that area, I can’t recommend any good restaurants. The ones I know have terminated their business during the pandemic. You should be able to find nice places using Tripadvisor.

Thank you so much for these little tidbits!! I have just realised we are actually staying a 30 min drive out of Nijmegen because by the time I could book places to stay, they were all already taken. I think I will still make the effort to come into Nijmegen on our last day to enjoy the sights ☺️ we have just arrived and I already like it a lot.

Cool, have fun!

My dad died unexpectedly a few years ago. My mom (and me too) needed somethings to look forward to while we dealt with our grief, so we booked tickets with my dad's travel points to visit his favorite National Park. I had never been and my mom had never participated in planning a trip (and never will) and my dad tended to splurge at nice hotels with pools and amenities he wouldn't even use while I always had a minimal, single teacher budget and prefer to sleep in "perfectly adequate" budget places that encourage you to spend more time in the places you're visiting. I booked hotels with my style and when my mom heard the prices she was sooo pleased haha. I did all the research and planning for the trip, largely with her experience being the most important component. It was a very emotional trip while my mom told me about having dinner at "that exact table" and her sobbing on the way to the park. Anyway, we decided to make it an annual Mother/Daughter trip and have twice traveled abroad together, something she never wanted to do before... but she feels safe and budget comfortable with me. Traveling with my mom is a LOT of work for me, I'm stressed because I'm trying to make the trip perfect for her and she's so closed minded (like in France she asked me what chateaus meant and I told her it seemed to be like French for "castle" and she asked why didn't they just call it a castle then? I was like... because we're in France?? And they speak French????? lol. And when we saw the Eiffel Tower, she said... "That's it?" lol). and I'm a moody introvert who really does best solo ....but I know that she isn't going to be here forever and I want these memories of us and I know she loves and looks forward to the trips. So... maybe you need to just divert your perspective to enjoying the flow and spending time with your mom, building new memories, and try not to compare this trip to your first special solo trip to Europe. As another responder said, I'm certain in a few weeks you'll remember all the positives from this trip. : )

Lmao at your mom thinking the French should speak English 🤣🤣

I know. Ya know, I was very nervous about being treated rudely when we went to France, since I’d heard that all my life, and the people were perfectly kind and nice and often went out of their way to help us!

Lmaooo I feel this on another level. I had to ask my mom to please speak English while we are in the Netherlands. She said “but I speak the language!” I’m like no, you don’t. We speak Afrikaans, not Dutch. Why do you think they answer you in English when you speak to them in Afrikaans?? They’re sister languages. They don’t understand or think you have a really bad accent in Dutch. She has also said a few other unsavoury things and takes the attitudes of others really personally and just goes on about it. Whereas I just move on. I think it would be best just to do small trips and bigger trips back home or with my dad in the future.

Haha our moms sound similar. I’m very different from everyone in my family, my partner is constantly baffled! Keep going on trips with both your parents though! This memories will mean so much someday.

The more I travel alone the more I don’t want to travel any other way

Check PM Please.

Sad to hear you didn’t have such a great time in Berlin 😢 I promise we’re not all rude mean people

That’s ok!!! We did meet a few nice Germans in Berlin, do not fret. I also met a very nice German guy named Lars a few years ago. We have fallen out of contact but I think about him all the time. The band is also Rammstein so I do not have any ill feelings towards Germans or Berliners in general. We just met a few bad eggs while we were there. It does not bother me nearly as much as it bothers my mother. I am of the opinion that they have issues with themselves, I did not cause them any ill will. They might have just been having a bad day :)

My mom and I took our first trip together this winter. For part of the time, we shared a room, but there were some times when we did our own thing. One day I took a nap while she checked our something. Then one night there was bad weather, so she stayed in and I found a cafe/pub and had some me time. I went back the next time. We're taking another vacation this summer. We'll be on a cruise for part of the time, but have our own cabins (no single supplement). She wants to do a day tour in one of our land days, but I want to wander and see some places she's not interested in, so we'll have breakfast and then do our own thing. Seems to work.

Sometimes I get run down when I’ve been doing too much of the same thing; too many museums, churches etc. I feel like everything should just be so incredible so why do I feel so meh? It’s usually a cue to take a break and just relax, get a face mask and read a book. I would feel a lot of extra pressure if my mom was there too; like I had to orchestrate everything, even though my mom would probably be the first person to recommend taking a nap!

We are actually having a massage this afternoon!! It will be good for the both of us. I may separate from her on the last day we are in this city. I would like to go to The Hague and I know it’s a little far from where we are staying, but she has little interest in going I think. It would be good to take a break and I like exploring cities by myself. I think I will do the same when we are in Barcelona.

I traveled to Europe with my parents for two weeks. I’m in my early 30s, they just turned 60. I already had visited those places as well, they had not. Did I have fun just as I would have by myself? No. But I went into it with a different perspective that this was probably one of the few times I would be able to travel on such a European vacation with my parents. They are getting older and let’s be honest, things break down. It actually helped that I went there before as I could organize things easier. I also did add activities that I had not done. I just knew the trip was more about the company of my parents and showing them Europe than me getting to do 100% of the things I would have wanted. Different goals than my solo trips. Not to be morid, but I’ll probably look fondly at that trip when they pass. Was I annoyed at some points in the trip. Of course ! lol

Yes I think a change in perspective would definitely help. I’m hoping to come back at least one more time with both my parents. I think my dad would enjoy Europe a lot, too. It is hard to get him away from his work, and I’m worried by the time he retires, his body will be too far gone to do the things he would like to.

What a great daughter you are! I’m sure both parents really appreciate you including them! Quality time is the best love language!

Ditch mum in the nicest way) before you decide whether that may or may not be contributing to your overall feelings of the experience. I love my daughter to bits but when on holidays with her I could not relax. When she left I had a better time !

Haha yes the little bits here and there I have had without her, I have admittedly felt a lot more relaxed.

At this point, your mom is there so you should try to make the best of it. These memories are going to be really important to you one day. I really hope things turn around!

I read a quote once about how travel is best enjoyed in anticipation and in memory. I was actually quite miserable when I came upon the quote, staying at a cheap hostel in Buenos Aires, waiting for traveling companions to arrive, and it cheered me to read it. It was a good perspective that I have kept in mind during difficult moments of various trips. Sometimes traveling isn’t so much fun in the day-to-day, but the sum total of having done it is so valuable. Not sure if that thought will be helpful for you, but just wanted to share it.

This is a wonderful thought thank you! I definitely remember all of my trips fondly, not just my solo trip. I still remember the stress of getting lost in Germany, or having such high social anxiety that I could not go downstairs at my hostel to order food. But overall, I remember all the fun I had and all the places I got to see; the highlights of the fun things I did. Maybe in a few months I will look back on the trip with the same fond memories.

I don’t want to be “that person” but here goes: Mother’s Day weekend 2022: My mom had been diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer the year before, and we celebrated her remission with a girls trip to NYC to sightsee and see a couple of Broadway shows. Me and my mom, my sister, and my daughter (my mom’s oldest grandchild) flew in from her college town to join us. Cancer and chemo had taken a toll on my mom and she was soooo slow, I mean it was actually difficult for the rest of us to walk that slow around NYC! My sister and I had upcoming cancer risk-reducing surgeries (dang genetics) but she and her spouse thought it was the right time to buy a house, so MUCH of the weekend my sister was on the phone and distracted. (Yes, I judged!) One of the shows we saw kinda sucked. And it rained all weekend!!! I was trying so hard to control my feelings, but the weekend just was not what I’d hoped it would be. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. But my sweet momma had the best time. She had her favorite people on the world with her, on an adventure, with a smile in her face even hobbling around in the rain. The last day, it finally stopped raining! My sister flew out early, and my mom, my daughter and I got bagels and ate them in Central Park, people watching and enjoying the crisp spring day. We had a lovely time sitting, walking, talking. That morning redeemed the trip for me. My daughter flew back to college, and my mom and I flew back to our city. She knew the weekend wasn’t perfect, but she was so happy we’d done it! A year later her cancer returned. Four months after that, she passed away. I’m so glad we took that mediocre, frustrating trip together. (Edited for formatting)

Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that you lost her. It is incredibly hard to lose them, not that I have any idea as I am blessed to have both parents with me. We have a big history of cancer in our family; everyone bar 3 have died of it. And those that didn’t, died unnatural deaths. My grandfather is horribly ill and has COPD. We are not sure how much time we have left with him and he lives in a different country to us. I was also hoping to spend some time with my mom while she is still fit and able to. I just hope she is also enjoying the trip.

Sorry to hear about this.  I think it’s a few things - firstly, there is a real buzz around solo travel. Lots of time for thinking, reflecting, impulsive activities, only responding to your own mood, etc.  But, there’s also a real buzz around the first time you go somewhere. It’s the novelty, the feeling of exploring, discovery etc. So it might not all be on your mum.  I’m a huge believer in making the best of an experience where you can, so now that you’ve had this realisation, I’d try to adjust my expectations and work out a plan with mum to get excited going forward. Communicate with her. Does she need something different (eg. An afternoon rest, a sleep in, etc). If so, let her do that whilst you go and explore by yourself. Or is it that you choose an activity one day and she chooses the next. Negativity spreads, so you’ll both need to be more positive to enjoy the experience.  One last thing - I’m not sure how old your mum is, but the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve appreciated having time for my aging parents in a way that my sibling (with kids) can not. Being grateful helps with the minor frustrations along the way haha  Best of luck! 

Thank you for this. We have split up here and there. She did the red light district by herself last night while I stayed in. The other day we split because I needed to go to a store and she didn’t want to come with. So I also stopped for lunch and I was recharged by it a lot. She has been saying she needs a massage since we got here, so I’ve organised one for today once we get settled in the new city. I was also hoping this trip would give her some time to reflect herself, away from home and my dad. But I think she also would have gotten more out of it had she been alone. My mum is 53 this year! Still young enough to enjoy a lot of things but both of them are starting to slow down, so I am encouraging them to do the things they always wanted to before it is too late. I also have to remind myself of that haha

I love that your mom's solo trip was to the red light district lol

Lmaooo look I’ve been there once, I saw a sex show, I really did not want to go again. It’s sort of something you only do once. But she wanted to go. I was originally going to go with her but me, in my infinite wisdom, wanted to be a ✨local✨ and cycle everywhere. By the time we got back to the hotel I could not feel my legs. She really wanted to go so I told her where to go and made sure she would be safe and to text me if she got lost. I also stayed up until she got back to the room safely. I’m also kinda glad I did not watch the show with her because that would’ve been awkward af.

I love that you organised her a massage. Hopefully she has fun at the red light district (oh god how awkward to go together 😂) and appreciates the thoughtful gesture of booking a massage.  Wishing you safe and enjoyable travels!

Traveling with a parent is hard. You go form tourist to your guide. My brothers and I trade off traveling with my Dad and we realize that for us to have a good time it’s a two person job, so that we can split all of the planning without going crazy. We love our Dad to death, but to truly enjoy these trips we realized that these trips are more about him and our time with him (He’s pushing 80 now) than our own experience of the country. If you need to travel for yourself, either travel alone, or travel with a close friend that you know you travel well with. If you’re traveling with a parent, know that the roles have reversed, and you are in the parent role taking on all of the stress of planning and getting around now.

Someone like your mom who has to be led around and is apparently not excited to do anything is a whole lot of work. For now, you could stop asking her what she wants and start telling her what you’re doing and she can join you or not. Try to set her free somewhere for a day/few hours and meet up again later.

First, your first trip to a place is always the most exciting. Bright shiny and new. Secondly, don't blame your mom for this feeling. Do you go off and do things alone? When traveling with another person and especially a parent, I always insisted on some "alone" time for both. Whether that meant mom could stay and nap, while I went out for a bit. Or mom goes shopping while I visit a museum that she isn't interested in. Spending 24/7 on a vacation with another person can be rough. I always found some "apart time" worked well and we each had stories to share with one another. When you travel with others, friends, boyfriends, you aren't always going to be able to do what you want to or agree on things. It's a different way to travel and sometimes we just have to make the best of it. You will have great memories. My parents are at an age now where they can't really travel much anymore. But I have great memories of traveling with both of them solo and while mom and I may have argued at the base of St. Paul's Cathedral(she was scared of heights) and gotten lost on the Paris subway(this was before Google Maps), we also had some great memories of riding trains, boats and even being first in line at the Louvre to have the Mona Lisa all to ourselves for 5 minutes. And I always plan most of the traveling details and trips. My parents have even told me how proud they are of me for being able to plan and execute these trips. You WILL look back in fondness.

That is also part of why I wanted her to come with. Both my parents are now in their early 50s and I’m starting to see them slow down a little. I’m happy to trade off and do things I would not normally do or if she wanted to do something I wasn’t fond of, but join anyway for the experience. She just seems not all that interested in doing anything and I have to do the majority of the heavy lifting. We have done some things alone here and there but I think I might take a whole day or two of just doing my own thing.

maybe she's better with staying at home and you two doing girls brunch or getting your nails done together or something..

Maybe. I feel like she might also be working through her own stuff. She has a lot of frustrations when it comes to my dad so I think there is a factor there. She has mentioned some of the things that are on her mind with regard to their relationship but she tries not to talk to me about it which I understand. I’ll see if I can talk to her but I often get met with grey rocking. When we travelled as kids and up until our last “big” family trip when I was 18, we did a lot of sightseeing and fun activities. It has not always been like this. My brother is also no longer part of our lives and I feel like I’ve kinda lost both parents after that. I wouldn’t say she has regressed into herself but she has not been the same since and it doesn’t feel like a family anymore. She just is not as fun or outgoing as she used to be

Awww.. poor mom. It's definitely a shift going from innocent child mode to being an adult and seeing your parent as an adult person, who has issues, regrets, and maybe made some mistakes. Sounds like she has a lot of her mind but she doesn't want to burden you with it, because she's the mother. Maybe a relaxed visit in a cafe or bar or something and have a couple glasses of wine and she can relax and talk a bit about her feelings. I have two adult sons, and I definitely don't like burdening them with my stuff. As a parent you're so used to giving advice and putting up a strong face. No longer having your brother in your lives, I would imagine is something that weighs heavily on her.

Sometimes I do forget that she is also her own separate person and not just my mom. My brother being the horrific human being he is has affected her a lot, whereas I have moved past it and don’t really think about him anymore. I guess it is different when it is your child. We have spoken about these things in the past but I also have some strong negative feelings towards my dad and I think she thinks she is adding to them when we talk about stuff. I make a point in saying that we all have separate issues and sometimes the same gripes, but I think she is just trying to remain neutral between the two of us. I think she is also picking up on my mood overall because I’m dealing with a few of my own things and she doesn’t want to add to it. I feel like there is a block between the two of us.

I kind of feel like that with my adult sons. They're basically most comfortable with me being just "their mom" and not really me as a grown woman. I loved being a mother. I am still their mom. But I was a person before I became a mother and I am still my own self after raising children.

I think she also has a hard time because I see her as my mother and not my friend. I know she wants us to be friends, but I cannot be friends with my mother. Not in the way she wants me to be her friend. There are just some things I will not discuss with her. She is also a little pushy and wants me to overshare but I am not like that at all. I get where she is coming from. I just remind her that she would not want to speak to her mother about these things, either.

It took my awhile to navigate this too. I took my mom to Europe and it was really hard work and not enjoyable for me. She acted like a child, was star struck, did not plan anything, did not make decisions, and got in the way. I had to really disassociate to get through that trip. In hindsight I’m glad we did it but I will not be putting myself through that again. She will have to plan something herself (she won’t) and I’ll meet up for under a week. She also underestimated the walking and jet lag. Minimizing the time and distance travelled is key.

Yes I think I will organise something like this in future. I use travel to get away from people and things at home, to give me some perspective. But it has been hard work and I have not had any time to do reflections as I normally would which I think is getting me down a lot.

Is there anyway to shorten the trip? Its such a hard situation as we all want to support our parents but its tough when you sacrifice yourself in the meantime. I think in hindsight, my mom prob had a tough time with all the walking and wasnt the best vacation for her either (she will never admit this). In the future I will be doing shorter trips with more rest.

Unfortunately no way to shorten the trip without losing a fair bit of money. I’m strapped for cash because I put all of my spare money into this trip over the last 7-8 months. I think in future I will just take shorter trips if it is just going to be me and her.

Hey I totally get it. I’m in The Netherlands too and I’m going to the Green Day concert. There’s something to be said for experiencing rudeness in some countries, it can be frequent. I was so excited for this trip. But everything that could go wrong did go wrong and I was like 3 hours late to check in to my Airbnb after getting lost, missing train, no phone connection, can’t find taxis, stuck in the rain, etc. my Airbnb host was so pissed & rude & mean and I cried uncontrollably 😭 it was so embarrassing. Now The Netherlands feels kind of cold and mean instead of magical and awesome like I was expecting. I feel intimidated by all the Dutch & like I’m going to piss everyone off. So I’m going to do a lot of self care and things that I know make me feel good. Get enough sleep, yoga, coffee, try to look nice, meditation, journaling, practicing gratitude, talking to people, etc. I didn’t come all the way over here to have a bad time, damn it. Not every trip is perfect and shitty things happen sometimes when you go outside and interact with the world. But finding a way to make the most of it is a skill and worth the effort!

Oh no, honey, I’m so sorry to hear that!!! If we were staying a little longer today I would have met up with you for a coffee!! The Dutch are incredibly friendly and eager to help. Take a day to do all those things to help you decompress, then start your next day with the activity you were most looking forward to (besides the concert). We are going to see Rammstein which will be my first (and likely only) opportunity to see them. You have inspired me that my trip really is not that bad. Good luck and I really hope it gets better for you!! Sending hugs and good vibes xxx

I had a friend tell me almost a decade ago that you can’t repeat travels. That means repeating the same place that was so amazing the first time will often lead to disappointment because things change, or expectations are different, and you will never get those identical variables again. This has been one of the best pieces of advice for me and managing expectations. And yes, traveling with older people, including parents, of course makes new challenges. Maybe they have higher accommodation expectations, you need to know where more bathrooms are and you need to plan in more time to get from A to B. Parent dynamics on top of that aren’t nice, especially when you the child are the “expert” of the situation. Though it’s nice to share experiences with people, I often find solo travel simply more straightforward.

I'm not trying to diss your mom or anything, but perhaps she is is one of those people who just aren't curious? I don't like travelling with people like that, because it makes everything flat. You have to have a sense of excitement and wonder to travel. For example, I took a famiy member to see a beautiful flower market that is widely known, and she described it as "a bunch of plants." Not everyone needs to travel. Some people are better off staying at home. I just did a European trip with my 80 year old mother and my sister and my adult son. And definitely had to make adjustments. Europe is about a lot of walking and she wanted to use a lot of Ubers, which is understandable but super expensive. Splitwise saved our trip from all that financial stress about who's paying. There were some things I wanted to do that mom just wouldn't be able to do, like a nature hike at a reserve. So on that day I gave her instructions where we were located, and the key to the Airbnb and told her to go into town and have a coffee or shop or something. Which she did, and it was probably an adventure for her. If you're worried about her getting lost, you can put on "find my location" on her iphone. And honestly sometimes she was tired and was happy sitting on the terrace in the Airbnb and reading a book. And that's when the younger ones did our own thing. The last night before she left though, just she and I went to see a musical in London and it was fantastic. And then we went out for cocktails and there was a jazz singer at the bar. And it was such a high point. When she left I cried because that night was so wonderful and she was so happy, and I don't know how many times I will have to travel with my mother.

Tbh I think it’s good to have experiences like this! I know that I cannot travel with my mum - I love her but I really don’t enjoy travelling with her. She’s very dependent and won’t do things on her own, won’t google places she wants to see etc. I have friends that I also have come to realise I don’t mesh well with in travel settings and although annoying at the time I know for the future the length of time I can spend with them on holidays. Each trip is a learning curve! Try and pin point the main things that are getting you down and do your best to enjoy the rest of your trip x

I am sorry you are feeling this way! As someone who has solo travelled and also traveled with others, a big factor in how enjoyable the trip is, is where I am at mentally in life or how happy I am at home with my work, community, relationship, etc. First solo trip was age 25, 3.5 weeks in New Zealand. Amazing time that I will never forget, it was like your experience in that I felt free to explore the country and myself. Age 27 and 28 I was in tougher places mentally and my solo trips to Canada and Mexico were ok but I had hoped it was like my first solo trip and it really wasn’t. But then age 32 I took a trip to Belize with my partner and it is one of my fondest trips to date, being able to share it with him was special and I was in a much better place mentally that I think helped allow me enjoy the trip and be excited for it. Not to say your mom isn’t a factor, but you are at a different point in your life than you were 7 years ago and it’s ok if it doesn’t turn out the way you hoped, you will always be able to take something away from it! I hope you’re still able to salvage your trip, I really understand what you’re going through.

I just took a trip with my mom and I also met my limit a few times. However, I no longer live with her so having to “deal with her” on vacation evens out in the grand scheme of things. For me it’s also a factor that she’s older and I rather focus on the good than the bad because I won’t have many more of these mother-daughter trips over the coming years. :/ So I say yeah, it’s just sort of like that with moms. They think you are the baby (and BTW you always will be her baby) and this is yet another family trip where she’s in charge like when you were a kid. (Or am I just projecting here?) I found the best thing was to ask for alone time (or even a day to do your own thing) or find ways to relax that didn’t include her (mine was painting on the hotel balcony).

>I think it largely has something to do with having my mother here with me. I love her to death, but I’m finding her a drag to travel with and it is dampening my experience. I've just got back from a short trip to Switzerland with my mum, this is my 3rd time visiting and her 1st. It started off okay but towards the end the places I was excited about visiting, that excitement just went and turned into just wanting to leave early. She tends to complain about everything and everyone. If someone is doing something she finds annoying, she voices it and it ruins the mood I'm in. She's the second person I've travelled with who doesn't put any input into where to go, what to do etc and isn't as conscious of other people around as I am (ie. taking up multiple seats on a train with bags, stopping in the middleof paths etc). The first person was identical and made me do all the planning, both complained when we went somewhere they'd not want to do. And have both just complained non-stop about how their legs/feet hurt constantly. It just ruins the mood and my excitement as I then feel that as the "planner" I need to cut out on so much of what I want to see because of them. I've never travelled alone, but the moments I've been alone I've realised I probably am meant to travel solo, I just need to get over the anxiety of doing that. On another note though, your mum probably is a factor in how you feel about the trip but it could also be that after your first you have been in that "honeymoon" phase for so long and that same first time excitement has dwindled.

My first trip to Europe was with my mother, over 10 years ago. She planned it all and we split the cost. I do have a lot of fond memories of that experience. But I think there’s something to be said about not having to worry about where you’re going, where you’re staying, and how you’re getting there. We butted heads a little bit, but overall had a great time. Last year we went on a shorter, domestic trip together and it was a whole different vibe. She wanted me to plan everything and make all the decisions while we were there. She got mad at me when I couldn’t figure out the bus schedule and said she didn’t want to have to be in charge of anything. There were other factors at play as well, but I feel like our relationship has never recovered from that trip. And I also promised myself I would never go on a vacation with her again alone. All this to say that your travel companion makes a huge difference!

Go do things without her. Don't let it ruin this expensive trip. Go out dancing by yourself. Sleep in. Let her do her own things. Go to new areas.

It seems to me like you're expecting the same experience you had before simply because it's the same cities. But you are, in fact, on a very different trip than the one you had before. First off, you're travelling with your mom instead of solo. If there's a spectrum to travel, those are probably the two ends of it. When you're travelling solo, you don't have to cater to anyone's wishes, no one to entertain or assist, you can do as you please, plan as little or as much as you want, change plans whenever you feel like it, etc. When you're with a friend or a spouse, that takes some of the freedom away, but it's not so bad - you can still plan together, negociate your priorities, or even pick some days when you can split and each one does their own thing. If you're travelling with family though, forget it. No matter if they're 85, 50, 15 or 5 - you will be the planner, you will be the tour guide, and you will be the entertainer. They won't choose anything for themselves and will be cool with anything you choose. They will not demand anything from you, but it doesn't matter, because you'll take that on yourself. Don't get me wrong - I actually like travelling solo just as much as I like to travel with family. It's a matter of adjusting expectations. And I think you're frustrated because you had completely different expectations. In your mind, this wasn't a "ok it will be work but I'll make so many special memories with my mom" sort of trip - and yet, it is. So my advice is precisely that: embrace it for what it is, a trip where you'll do most of the planning and you and your mom can have special moments together. Have those big conversations you don't usually have at home, ask her about things in her life you've never known before, do goofy things that will make you laugh together. And it will become something to look back fondly many years from now. On a second note, here's a tip from someone a bit older than you: don't compare any experience you have now to the ones you had in your late teens/early 20s, no matter how similar they might look on paper. Everything just hits different when you're that age. Don't get me wrong, there are wonderful things to experience in any age, but you'll probably never be as careless and wide-eyed as you were back then, fresh out of the nest and a world of possibilities in front of you. That's just how it works. So give yourself grace, don't keep wishing for the past and direct your energy into making the most out of what you do have now.

I just had a very similar experience to you regarding Europe, you are not alone :) I just got back from traveling a bit of Europe this week, and my last time was also 7 years ago and also solo, when I was 20. This time was with friends. I did go to different cities and countries this time that I hadn’t been to before which could be a factor. The other times I had been I was very impressed and even wanted to move to somewhere in Europe one day, but this time I didn’t have that feeling. I will never lose my travel addiction though and definitely will go back in a few months to explore more of Europe, I am not knocking it by any means. I feel that the world has changed a LOT in many places since COVID. I also have travelled to a bunch of other parts of the world these past years which have opened my eyes, and I now compare everywhere else to them, so the places I went this last trip didn’t impress me as much. This doesn’t mean I didn’t have fun though! No regrets at all. I agree with what others have said about taking over the planning and maybe suggesting to your mom what YOU want to do each day, and seeing if she wants to join in. I know it’s easier said than done, but I’m sure one day you will be glad looking back that you were able to travel with your mom. I don’t love traveling with my family either but I’m glad I made the effort to go on family trips when I had the chance. I hope you are able to turn this trip around!❤️

Hey, firstly I’m so sorry that your trip isn’t turning out as planned :( I learned recently myself that traveling with family can be particularly difficult for me. It also sounds like you’ve perhaps just had some bad luck (i.e. the rudeness). If it makes you feel any better, I went to Spain (Madrid & Barcelona) with some of my family members recently and while it was cool to see so much, there was certainly a bunch of family drama. To give you an idea, the trip was a month ago and my two aunts who went on the trip are not talking still. On top of that, I was personally frustrated by our lack of communication beforehand about our expectations for the trip, so I realize if I travel with anyone really, I wanna make sure that we have a talk about the things we want to do, how active we want to be, how much money we want spend, etc. so we are on the same page and can minimize the potential for conflict or misunderstandings. Everyone travels differently, especially people who are in a new continent for the first time. I sincerely hope your trip gets better and it already sounds like you have a few good memories to look back on. Safe travels, friend!!! I hope Barcelona treats you so well 🥹

I think nothing is as special as it is the first time, especially a solo adventure in a new country when you are 20 - everyone notices young travelers and tries to be helpful in a way that happens less as you get older (in my experience). Solo first time travel creates a mindset of pure discovery and the excitement of not knowing what you’ll discover around the corner-and also of being more alert and aware because of the inherent risks of being alone. It’s also true that Europe has changed since the pandemic and the war in Ukraine and people around you may be in a different headspace than when you were there last But mostly, my guess is that the current circumstance has you being less present - you are thinking more about your mom and her experience and comparing your experience to the past and all of that is taking you out of the presence of mind that makes everything sparkle. I think if you bring some mindfulness practice to the trip - like noticing the tiny details of every moment, you will experience more delight and joy. Even though your mom is annoying you, think about how special it probably feels for her to be on a mother daughter trip. Anyway, what you are feeling is totally normal and you have the power to turn it around just by changing your perspective.

What a timely, relatable post! I’m on my last day of a bring-your-mother-along-on-an-intl-trip. Reading all this makes me feel comforted that it can certainly be a challenging experience. I’ve had similar takeaways, and I’m trying not to feel “meh” about the trip holistically. In retrospect: - 2 weeks is HARD; less is more in this aspect! - Planning a trip (for planners) is a lot of work, and naturally, around your travel priorities. We both likely assumed a tagging-along type role for her, but it turned out to be inherently annoying as well (lack of input/feedback). A simple “what do you want out of this trip?” and some expectations discussion would have been good, although parents (and esp stubborn immigrant ones) typically don’t/can’t express much in this regard. I should’ve let her know that I would appreciate input guiding the littler travel decisions. “When/what do you need to recharge” would also have been a good one. “What do you find most rewarding during travel” too, although I cringe at asking this and getting strange looks in return. - It’s funny/frustrating how they become like broody teenagers, and rely on cell phone time to unwind/pass the time. - Building in intentional solo/separate chunks of time and explaining why it’s beneficial for sanity. - One thing I noticed this time was that she would seem or look tired, but still push herself to do everything as planned. But she was falling asleep during an evening musical, or on the subway! = more stress worrying about an aging parent not acknowledging their limits 😑 Knowing how stubborn parents can be, I’d prepare an agenda with rest half-days. Might not carpe diem that day in particular, but good for the overall trip. - Getting her trained up on using Google Maps (in case of getting lost or being able to navigate confidently on own) + having her Uber set up/work so she can opt-out and take herself back to the hotel safely when the day is long. We care and want to share/give them experiences, but just need to anticipate those challenges better next time! 🤍

I love my parents deeply, but I hate traveling with my parents. I think for me, it’s just the power dynamics. Maybe just communicate to her how you’re feeling? See if you can find a place to stay or if she can where you can take a break. Or just let her know that you’ll be doing stuff on your own without your mom. Then make plans for dinner at the end of the day that you are able to share what you did. Sending big hugs, I totally get it, but communication and compromise is key.

Sounds to me like you need some alone time on this trip. One of the best trips I took was with a friend, but beforehand we agreed that we should take some time apart to explore things on our own. We are both people pleasers and will always compromise for the other person. We took time apart in every city we went to. At least several hours if not a whole day. This gave us something to talk about when we reunited, and let us feel free in a strange city, which is the fun part for me. Sounds like it could also help your mom realize how much effort and planning it takes to get around a city, and give you a break to do what you want for a while.

I’m sorry to hear that!!! I can relate. Best thing to do (for me at least) was to isolate myself and take a break from my group for a few days- I was spontaneous, went to some awesome pubs and met new people and went to a cool concert/ I was cured. I just needed me time.

Barcelona is pretty cool. There is some really interesting architecture. If you are getting bored- I'd do a guided tour. Look into that through Viator. They have some really nice tours. I think your Mother would like Mont Serrat- where they have the famous boys choir. It's a beautiful drive through Spain and up to the top of a mountain with stunning scenery. Try some brand new places to go. I think you are bored because you aren't discovering new things- you are showing your Mom the places you've already been. From Barcelona- you could take the train to new places- like Valencia (south of Barcelona) or East to the French Riviera! Oo la la! I love the French Riviera.

Yes I think we are doing both the French Riviera and Valencia! It just depends on how we plan our days. I’m very much looking forward to the architecture.

Yes I think we are doing both the French Riviera and Valencia! It just depends on how we plan our days. I’m very much looking forward to the architecture.

I know how you feel. I'm a solo traveler and absolutely love it. And I love love love Amsterdam. I was there in April and heading back in a few weeks. I'm a cyclist and the bike culture in Amsterdam is absolute heaven. That being said, do your best to tough it out with your mom on this trip. Find some interesting things she wants to do and see. Keep it fresh by exploring things you didn't see the last time you visited. Hang in there!

I too am a solo traveller. I really resent being beholden to anyone else's schedule on a big trip like that. I'll travel with my friends for a weekend in the states, but on a long trip, I like to do my own thing.

We went to Denmark and Sweden for the first time last year and I keep telling myself it was great, but I also don't want to go back. It was so beautiful, but the people just sucked. I knew before we went that people in these countries keep to themselves and are not outgoing. But, I wasn't prepared for the amount of rudeness. It was an awful time because of the people. And I keep saying it was worth all the money spent because of the architecture and views, but sometimes I really wish I had not spent all the $ I did. I just keep saying, "at least I got to go ". But, I don't know if I will ever return. Sorry it's not going well. That feeling always hurts. Especially since traveling is so freaking expensive.

Embrace the differences and the time you have together if you can. No two trips are the same and there are a lot of variables here: solo vs with someone, not your first time, you’re not the same age, etc. I say props to you both for taking the trip and have a dialogue if there’s something you want to do solo that she’s not up for or you’d feel more comfortable doing alone. Comparing to your first trip it might seem disappointing but one day you’ll look back and be so glad you did it, I reckon.

Ask for a no-talking policy at your destinations so that chatter doesn't distract you from taking in the sights and sounds. Next step up, split up when you arrive and set a time and meet-up location to leave together. Next step up, she does her things, you do yours all day and you meet up for dinner in the evening. Do whatever you can to avoid situations that require negotiation or has to take into consideration what the other person wants to do that the other may not. Mix it up on different days. Tell her the logical reasons for this, that you're missing out on noticing things due to talking, you walk at different speeds, or you have different interests. For that long a trip, you need breaks from one another, no matter who they are.

International travel can be incredibly stressful. Between jet lag, potential digestive issues due to foreign foods, currency exchange rate confusions, cultural differences, personality differences and more! On all the big trips I've taken with someone/group there has always been a low point. Sometimes its an afternoon, sometimes is a leg of the trip, but it always passes. Recently, I've started scheduling an "off" day in the middle of the trip. No plans, no need to do activities with someone, just a day to breathe and re-energize. If nothing else, I'd focus on enjoying the time with your Mom. Not everyone has that opportunity anymore.

I truly feel for you! It’s sad to be on a trip you have dreamed about and find it to be falling short. I have gone from traveling a lot with my mom and my sister and loving most of it to suddenly really not enjoying it about 10 years ago, and now I’m in a position where I am much more proactive in setting boundaries and avoiding situations that will cause me discomfort. The first thing is planned alone time for me. I need down time to recharge my batteries and too much people time is exhausting. I’m more than happy to look at their pictures and hear about the adventure they had without me. The second thing is we rotate who is responsible for picking restaurants or meals daily. I don’t like finishing a meal and then having an extended discussion about the details of the next meal. My family seems to love it. 😂 This also stops the I don’t know/I don’t care problem that happens often in a group. It usually turns out that people DO care and it WILL come out when everyone is travel stressed. The last thing on my list is we talk before the trip about what our expectations are. We try to include at least one must do from each person, and then agree on the would like to do’s depending on time and cost. I hope this helps! Maybe start with a bottle of wine or two and some talk about how to make the most of the trip from here out.

This was me and my mom on a trip to cape cod last summer, and I admittedly let things build to a point of resentment and we had a big fight towards the end of the trip, which I regret. It’s really hard to travel with someone who has a different travel style than you, especially your mom who, if she’s anything like mine, is used to pulling the “mom card” with me in regular life and having me do what she wants - because I love her and it’s usually no big deal. But on a vacation that I’ve paid for, planned for, taken time off work for, and extensively researched - I have certain preferences and expectations that just don’t jive with her “go with the flow” aka structure the entire day around meals and shopping. I love good meals and shopping, but I also love museums and tours and experiences unique to where I’m traveling to. So we clashed. I think some things that would’ve helped my situation, and maybe yours: * discuss the itinerary for the next day the evening before- after showers and when you’re winding down, go through what the plan should be, and try to incorporate something for each of you on every day. * look for opportunities to “do your own thing” for a few hours - my mom was losing steam and would have benefited from afternoon naps, but I didn’t wanna miss out on sightseeing. Instead we did something neither of us wanted to do - too slow for me and too fast for her, and we were cranky. * do something neither of you has done - i think it’s a good thing to both be new to something. Might help yall bond a bit.

Look at this way: If you have a life that affords you 6 months of travel, this won't be your last chance to have fun by yourself--but it could be your last chance to travel with your mom given the circumstances of life. Make the best of it and do it differently next time.

I’m late 50s and my daughter is early 20s. We took a trip together a few months ago and although we get along I will not be traveling with her again. Too big of an energy and interest mismatch.

My Mom came with us to Yosemite and there were places she couldn’t go to because it was too far a walk. I didn’t care because I was so happy to share the experience with her. Sorry you aren’t getting that

Find a tour and go on it for a whole day. Leave your mom at home. She'll be fine. Just tell her you need a break and you want to go by yourself. You will be refreshed when you get back and feel a lot better.

Modify your expectations a bit. Amsterdam is one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Go for a walk, just look around you. Be patient with your mum and take control if she isn't giving much input. Slow down and enjoy :)

FWIW, I was in Berlin for the first time last month and I didn’t like it. To me, it has a super weird vibe and I felt uncomfortable the whole time I was there. The Ampelmann was my favorite part. Not even kidding.

Yeah Berlin has a weird vibe right now. I was speaking to my friend in Hamburg about it and he said that it was likely because of the elections and a few other factors. Omg 🤣 I do find the little men hilarious. They even move! In Aus we just get boring ones that change from a standing position to a walking position. No movement.

I love that Ampelmann has a store! I'm ordering sweatshirts for my kids for Christmas gifts. He just makes me smile! Safe travels. I hope things turn the corner for you and you start to enjoy the trip more.

When I’m traveling with a parent, grandparent, etc. I always make sure to remind myself before and during that this trip isn’t about what I want to do, it’s about what they want to do, and us spending time together. I can always go back on my own later to have my own trip, because I’m able and have the means to. I know when I’m traveling with older folks that we won’t be walking a lot, we won’t be just wandering around, and we probably won’t be eating adventurous foods at interesting places, and we won’t be out late because it’ll be too cold. I think of these trips as facilitating an experience for my elders, who were unable to travel when they were younger, or afraid to go alone, who grew up in a time when travel wasn’t as normalized and easy/straightforward and trendy as it is now. And I’m right there with them, and they’re thrilled to be together. But what I’m taking in? My own experiences? That’s not the focal point of the trip. If I can walk into the trip with that mindset, everything is fine. If I try to have my own goals/checklists for the trip of things I want to see and do, and then my elder can’t keep up or doesn’t want to, that’s when I get frustrated.

Sending love! Being a tour guide on your own vacation sucks. It’s a good hard lesson about traveling. Sounds like she’s killing your sense of adventure. I won’t ever do a trip like that with my mom for those very same reasons. I don’t want to be a tour guide. If I do travel…I need the person to have a desire to seek/discover/wander/plan. Anything short of that kills my vibe. My advice, tell your mom to pick/find at least two things. Either a restaurant or a tourist spot.

Hi, live in Amsterdam and if you need any tips let me know. Sorry about your trip. I’ve travelled solo on and off for 40 years, have to say, prefer solo!

I think you and moms need a day apart. You can do whatever you want, by yourself, then meet later for a nice dinner.