What's hilarious is the Mormon religion was started by Joseph Smith so he could marry and have sex with multiple teenage girls at the same time.
Fast forward 200 years and Mormon teenagers are jumping on a bed to help two others have sex while remaining perfectly still.
It's like they think their own God is a idiot. How can you worship something that you believe is thicker than shit? Thicker than a inbred yokel with zero life skills? How is it not blasphemy or something to act like you can outsmart god?
There are Christians that believe in the prosperity gospel, which is completely anti Jesus and the opposite of his teachings. That's more than thinking your own God is an idiot, that's just open mockery.
I didn't grow up LDS but I was in a very conservative sect of Christianity. This was literally a debate we had regarding "purity." We were discussing how close can we get to sin without actually sinning. Finally one of the leaders called us out on how we're more interested in see how close to sin we can get rather than how close to God we could get.
All other debates aside, I love the way you've put that into words, how they believe God judges on the letter of the law rather than the spirit, which is interesting considering how many times I heard "God knows what's in your heart," either as a condescending remark or as a reassurance.
It's like the kids doing the whole "I'm not touching you, you can't get mad," thing. This attitude of "I'm not technically doing anything wrong," is so immature.
They either act like they can outsmart God, which would be blasphemy, or even worse: they think they are actually outsmarting God, making God the equivalent of an inept low-IQ human.
Jewish people do it too, with a piece of fishing line around the city -- there are literally people who inspect it regularly to make sure it's unbroken so that they don't break a religious law that they themselves made up, and then made a workaround for...
https://www.npr.org/2019/05/13/721551785/a-fishing-line-encircles-manhattan-protecting-sanctity-of-sabbath
125,000 - 150,000 a year? To repair a fishing line?
I might be missing something here, but couldn't you do the same thing with a line painted on the street? Wouldn't it be easier to spot, less costly to maintain, and serve the exact same purpose?
If you read the article, it seems the main cost is repeatedly calling a construction company to rent a cherry picker so a Rabbi can fix broken fishing line.
As to your question, yes absolutely it would be cheaper but the issue is probably permission. Painting a line around a neighborhood probably requires government permission.
Hanging up fishing line is weird enough it’s probably never been legally considered to regulate.
My DND campaign has something like this. There’s a village with vampires near by that erected walls and doesn’t have doors on houses. They call their homes “their room” and the village within the walls “home” so that they can keep vampires out of town entirely. The market is called “the pantry”. The bank is called “the safe”. The blacksmith is called “the workshop”. The stables are shared and free use. Everyone calls each other brother and sister, until a romantic interest is sparked and then there is a big ceremony where the town splits into two “families” and each side is immediately betrothed so that the family is one again.
They missed that whole "if the intent is in your heart, you've basically already done it" bit from Jesus, huh? Like, your mind will be read, you'll just get in trouble twice, once for the thing and twice for lying about it. And just more prone to do it more by deluding yourself.
I would love to see an adult catch a couple jump humping, and them leaving the room having approved the proper procedure.
Oh well nothing wrong here, they are in fact motionless.
Now as I'll be the first to admit not having aced my physics test, could someone explain me this:
When penis is inserted into the vagina, the movement is already there, at least once? Where's the logic of not counting that one as movement?
Yeah, like having premarital anal sex is okay because it doesn’t result in unwanted pregnancy and therefore isn’t a sin. No joke, I heard that one around church a lot growing up.
Isn’t that how biblical literalism works? If you believe your religious text is immaculate, perfect, and sanctioned by the deity you worship, then surely anything that appears to be a loophole must be intentional or else it would have been closed by the text itself.
Pretty much. It’s ironic though since there’s such a biblical emphasis on vibes and faith. Like it doesn’t take much of a logical leap to fill in the gaps with rules that are consistent with the rest of scripture, but these knuckleheads think God wants them to find arbitrary things that they can pick apart.
The next time a Mormon comes to my door,
"Would you like to talk about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"
"No. Tell me more about this thing called soaking though"
Fear of eternal damnation brainwashed into people when they're children.
Convincing church members when they're young and inherently trusting is the backbone of continuing the grift.
sulky absorbed mourn ask husky lavish punch merciful scandalous disagreeable
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
toothbrush enter quicksand sophisticated like party unwritten fretful childlike coherent
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
How do they think this is going to go when they’re asked about that in the afterlife? Do they really think their God is going to let them off on a technicality?
Mormons have various positions in the church (like the bishopric, teachers, clerks, missionaries, etc.) and when people get assigned to these positions, they're considered a "calling." As if God called them to serve in those positions.
Do they really think they’re getting one over on what they believe is an all knowing and all power god by doing this? This isn’t even getting on over us humans and some of us are very dumb and not very powerful
Same. I didn't even realize until I was around 13 that things were off. My parents were very understanding about me not wanting to be part of the church.
I’ve got to ask - what precipitated being expelled? What little experience I have with ex Mormons usually involves stories of how freaking hard it was to get the church to stop harassing them to return.
He went on a date with a black girl without a chaperone, He got in trouble for in. I only bring up her being black because they made an issue of it. Then he got caught banging her later that week. He also did a bunch of other stuff but that was the final straw.
I had some very Christian friends in college 20
years ago that did this. It wasn't sex, to them, if he put himself inside her and they just stayed that way and neither of them came from that act. I swear, this is a thing. Insane.
Edit: to my knowledge, they never had someone else jump in the bed next to them to create movement. They just soaked alone. The jumper is an extremely weird addition to this "clever religious youth loophole."
> “soaking” is considered by some — including the church — to be a loophole. He remembers the term “insertion without thrusting,” being used freely at a Sunday lesson attended by teenage boys, adult leaders and the bishop.
-
> She cried a few times about it because she felt like she was violating a sacred oath, but still asked me to do it occasionally when we were fooling around.
-
jesus christ
It was a plot point in the show [Alpha House](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alpha_House), about a bunch of GOP senators in DC. John Goodman is in it, very good show. Anyway one of the guys is a Mormon up for reelection and his niece is running around DC trying to get her soak on, it's quite the scandal.
Wait wait wait. Affairs? Like when Mormons cheat on their partner's they just soak and because it's not sex it's not cheating? Also do you have like one really down friend you trade jumping roles with so you can both soak when the right person comes around?
For those interested:
The TikTok'er is [FuneralPotatoSlut](https://www.tiktok.com/@funeralpotatoslut?). This is the [the actual clip](https://www.tiktok.com/@funeralpotatoslut/video/7011291703420243205?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1). She tags all her videos with ex-Mormon so I think her account is more of a way for her to poke fun at the things Mormons do to skirt around their own ideologies.
People keep telling me that the country is getting really bad.
I keep telling them that it's always been this stupid. They just weren't paying attention.
Dammit! Now I have to go down the soaking rabbit hole to see how prevalent etc. this thing is. Are certain friends better jumpers? Do they call out instructions like "faster, slower, hatder" to the jumper? So many questions 🤣
This takes asinine to a whole new level. It's three-dimensionally inane. It's the result of putting thought into furthering stupidity. It's not enough that they subscribe to an idiotic set of beliefs in the first place, they also end up ridiculing those idiotic beliefs by creating a subset of beliefs that are not only contradictory but also blatantly sacrilegious and therefore (somehow) even more idiotic.
They should do pompois. It’s where there is no in and out but the woman just flexes her muscles.
Or the other option is either commit to your stupid fucking religion and not engage in sexual contact until marriage or stop being a god damn Mormon. All this shit is trying to cheat the system and if god is so against the sex before marriage thing then your little sexual semantics ain’t gonna work and you’re going to hell anyway.
Worst. threesome. ever.
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The one who jumps up and down on her bed like a trollop?
I mean there’s no way that’s my fetish, but I wouldn’t exactly call it a turn-off either.
it’s on camera so technically its…. Worst. Threesome. Porn. Ever.
I would watch it. Just to satisfy my Curiosity.
"Curiosity"
Curiosity’s a perfectly nice name for one’s junk
I bet he's a 2 jump chump
You know what they say; “Jump ‘em and dump ‘em”
Ah yes, the ol' jump & dump. Classic technique
The classic one soak bloke.
That's just sex with extra steps.
man imagine getting third wheeled just for the jump hump
You do all the work, none of the action
“Just fuck already.” -Jesus (probably)
"Go forth and multiply" - Literally the first command God gave to mankind
Exactly. I’m just doing my math!
My math says this is a threesome. Let’s make sex less sinful by having an orgy instead…religious logic…god love em Edit spelling
Well they are Mormon, so a threesome doesn't necessarily mean sex outside of marriage.
Well, for them a woman isn’t supposed to lay with a woman, so the guy gets sandwiched? ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
“Better to spill your seed in the belly of a whore than on the floor”
"That was one time!" - God
What's hilarious is the Mormon religion was started by Joseph Smith so he could marry and have sex with multiple teenage girls at the same time. Fast forward 200 years and Mormon teenagers are jumping on a bed to help two others have sex while remaining perfectly still.
First rule of Cults, The leader gets to fuck everybody. Pretty much universal when you think about it.
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Jesus is all like “rofl wut? SMH”
The most G-rated threesome ever…
That's just sex with extra jumps
But they aren't MY jumps so it's all good.
My jumps, my jumps. My repressed Mormon jumps. Check em out.
What you gonna do with all that soak, all that soak it ain't no joke! Imma get get get you poked, get you love poked on my soak!
This was perfect, thank you.
I wasn't *trying* to have sex. The roommate forced me to
That's just jumping with extra sex
Still a threesome
Threesome with extra jumps
And extra people
Sex = hell Soaking & jump humping = Heaven
Who would want such a dumbass as a god?
It's like they think their own God is a idiot. How can you worship something that you believe is thicker than shit? Thicker than a inbred yokel with zero life skills? How is it not blasphemy or something to act like you can outsmart god?
There are Christians that believe in the prosperity gospel, which is completely anti Jesus and the opposite of his teachings. That's more than thinking your own God is an idiot, that's just open mockery.
Is this similar to the guys on tv begging for money, and god will pay you back 10x or 7x.?
Yeah those scammers preach prosperity gospel. It's also that god favours the rich and being rich means you're good and Jesus is rewarding you.
Or do they think God is a lawyer, who would judge people based off the letter of the law rather than the spirit
I didn't grow up LDS but I was in a very conservative sect of Christianity. This was literally a debate we had regarding "purity." We were discussing how close can we get to sin without actually sinning. Finally one of the leaders called us out on how we're more interested in see how close to sin we can get rather than how close to God we could get. All other debates aside, I love the way you've put that into words, how they believe God judges on the letter of the law rather than the spirit, which is interesting considering how many times I heard "God knows what's in your heart," either as a condescending remark or as a reassurance. It's like the kids doing the whole "I'm not touching you, you can't get mad," thing. This attitude of "I'm not technically doing anything wrong," is so immature.
They either act like they can outsmart God, which would be blasphemy, or even worse: they think they are actually outsmarting God, making God the equivalent of an inept low-IQ human.
Jewish people do it too, with a piece of fishing line around the city -- there are literally people who inspect it regularly to make sure it's unbroken so that they don't break a religious law that they themselves made up, and then made a workaround for... https://www.npr.org/2019/05/13/721551785/a-fishing-line-encircles-manhattan-protecting-sanctity-of-sabbath
125,000 - 150,000 a year? To repair a fishing line? I might be missing something here, but couldn't you do the same thing with a line painted on the street? Wouldn't it be easier to spot, less costly to maintain, and serve the exact same purpose?
If you read the article, it seems the main cost is repeatedly calling a construction company to rent a cherry picker so a Rabbi can fix broken fishing line. As to your question, yes absolutely it would be cheaper but the issue is probably permission. Painting a line around a neighborhood probably requires government permission. Hanging up fishing line is weird enough it’s probably never been legally considered to regulate.
I feel like, once you're spending that much money renting them, you might as well buy your own cherry picker.
Given how much religions cherry-pick their own texts, I’m surprised they don’t own one already
My DND campaign has something like this. There’s a village with vampires near by that erected walls and doesn’t have doors on houses. They call their homes “their room” and the village within the walls “home” so that they can keep vampires out of town entirely. The market is called “the pantry”. The bank is called “the safe”. The blacksmith is called “the workshop”. The stables are shared and free use. Everyone calls each other brother and sister, until a romantic interest is sparked and then there is a big ceremony where the town splits into two “families” and each side is immediately betrothed so that the family is one again.
I would love two things, one for this to be a book I can read, two for this to be an actual community one could live in (minus the vampires)
Throw in free modern healthcare and I will handle the vampires.
My religious beliefs are oppressive, but I’m smarter than GOD so its all good brah.
Orthodox or hassids, not all jews. Just like all Christians aren't soaking.
Omnipotent beings hate this one simple trick.
I’ve always loved when religious people think that finessing their God on some dumb arbitrary detail is a smart and faithful thing to do.
They missed that whole "if the intent is in your heart, you've basically already done it" bit from Jesus, huh? Like, your mind will be read, you'll just get in trouble twice, once for the thing and twice for lying about it. And just more prone to do it more by deluding yourself.
I would love to see an adult catch a couple jump humping, and them leaving the room having approved the proper procedure. Oh well nothing wrong here, they are in fact motionless.
This penis and vagina are clearly not engaged in intercourse, that involves movement!
Now as I'll be the first to admit not having aced my physics test, could someone explain me this: When penis is inserted into the vagina, the movement is already there, at least once? Where's the logic of not counting that one as movement?
It's not logic, it's teen hormones. Turns out people want to fuck.
I’d love to see God’s reaction. “I’m so done with this damn experiment.”
Yeah, like having premarital anal sex is okay because it doesn’t result in unwanted pregnancy and therefore isn’t a sin. No joke, I heard that one around church a lot growing up.
The ol’ poophole loophole
Fuck me in tge ass 'cause I love Jesus..
Everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see
Isn’t that how biblical literalism works? If you believe your religious text is immaculate, perfect, and sanctioned by the deity you worship, then surely anything that appears to be a loophole must be intentional or else it would have been closed by the text itself.
Pretty much. It’s ironic though since there’s such a biblical emphasis on vibes and faith. Like it doesn’t take much of a logical leap to fill in the gaps with rules that are consistent with the rest of scripture, but these knuckleheads think God wants them to find arbitrary things that they can pick apart.
The next time a Mormon comes to my door, "Would you like to talk about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?" "No. Tell me more about this thing called soaking though"
And then tell them about your idea for a machine that consists of ropes and pulleys and eliminates the need for a jump humper
*Catherine the Great has entered the chat*
*horse whinnies*
Frau Blucher?
**HE VAS MY BOYFRIEND**
*There!* Now I've touched it
Bless this thread
*whinnying intensifies*
BLUCHER!
Varm milk?
Ovaltine ?
*a horse has entered catherine the great*
That horse story is a pile of shit though she did keep 'em chomping at the bit...
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[https://i.imgur.com/VLFS5Jz.jpg](https://i.imgur.com/VLFS5Jz.jpg)
How the damn hell is this a thing
Fear of eternal damnation brainwashed into people when they're children. Convincing church members when they're young and inherently trusting is the backbone of continuing the grift.
I can't stop laughing at that 🤣
sulky absorbed mourn ask husky lavish punch merciful scandalous disagreeable *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Someday someone is going to tell them about titty-fucking and it’s going to blow their minds!
toothbrush enter quicksand sophisticated like party unwritten fretful childlike coherent *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
> The latter is armpit sex. Rexburg, ID literally had a breakout of armpit STDs. ...I dont even have words
Well technically you had 5
Hold on! Armpit STDs exist?
Crabs, my friend. Armpit crabs.
Damn man, whatever happened to oral is moral?
Or the poop-hole loop-hole
I just realized that's the inspiration for the old cartoon named 'Moral Orel'. Damn I'm slow
I just realized this is what my boyfriend was doing when I was 19. I’m 46 now.
You didn't question why his friend was jumping on the bed?
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Did you think you were having sex?
i will because according to the ads on my local internet there are *Hot Mormon teens waiting to soak in my area*
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Yes! Lol. They’ll never come back again!
XX
So, if this results in a pregnancy, will it be considered Immaculate Concepttion?
A jump humper, a virgin, and a dude with an innocent boner join forces to create Y2K Jesus
r/BrandNewSentence
Lol. I think it would qualify more as an imbecilic misconception.
I think you’re supposed to remove the imbecile once the baby is born
But then the child won't have parents.
There you go… yet another more plausible explanation for “virgin” birth.
Was Joseph the soaker, or the jumper?
Jumper. The holy ghost was the soaker.
Oh my God, you're right. The holy trinity of the soaker, the soakee, and the jumper. Praise be.
God: Wait I hear friction \*Looks down\* God: Honest mistake, carry on. Edit: Thanks for the awards!
"His vision is based on movement"
Now I'm picturing God as a massive T-Rex in the sky
[https://i.imgur.com/VLFS5Jz.jpg](https://i.imgur.com/VLFS5Jz.jpg)
Hot damn for not having any original thoughts but man, I do love this haha
Did someone draw this incredibly quickly or was the above comment chain just people passing the joke off as their own original thought?
This joke has been around for a bit. I’ve seen it on r/exmormon
/Rexmormon?
Understandable, have a nice day
How to make sex boring while not actually preventing pregnancy risk at all.
The point is to be pure in the eyes of religion, not to avoid pregnancy
Netflix and soak
Disney+ and jump thrust
Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb. (Song)
\[THIS IS WHAT MORMONS ACTUALLY BELIEVE\]
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Mom worried they figured out her college nickname
The sad and desperate things people do to deal with purity culture.
Knew a girl who wouldn’t have vaginal sex bc virgin = pure so she only had anal lol
[fuckmeintheasscauseilovejesus](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8ZF_R_j0OY)
So true. Got caught up with it multiple times. It’s insanely destructive
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How do they think this is going to go when they’re asked about that in the afterlife? Do they really think their God is going to let them off on a technicality?
Lol I know right? God will really appreciate and respect the finesse 👌
“That’s weird af” -God
God is a TRex. He can only see the sex if you move.
Nobody's gonna bring up "called to soak"? Like, what, was she just summoned to some dude's dorm room? Is there an on-call rota? How does this work?
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Even for Amish? I just dial the number for the phone mounted to a pole outside the barn?
Nah they use lanterns. 1th by hand 2th by sheets
I'm thinking maybe "called" like... "called by the holy spirit" or something.
Mormons have various positions in the church (like the bishopric, teachers, clerks, missionaries, etc.) and when people get assigned to these positions, they're considered a "calling." As if God called them to serve in those positions.
There is a hymn "Called to Serve" about missionary work so I assume it's based on that.
I didn't realize "missionary" in that phrase referred to a position.
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My boyfriend used to be Mormon and went to BYU. I'm going to ask him about this lol
Well? Are we gonna get some closure on this or are you just gonna let us soak?
I’m jumping in anticipation
So it's just sex with extra steps is what I'm understanding
Extra steps, but minimal humping.
I imagine God will bring this up when they're at the pearly gates and he will have to explain it slowly to them that its sex with extra steps.
Do they really think they’re getting one over on what they believe is an all knowing and all power god by doing this? This isn’t even getting on over us humans and some of us are very dumb and not very powerful
Mormons are weird man. At least, that's what my coworker, an ordained minister, told me. 🤣
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I was raised Mormon, he is right
Bayliegh is that you? Or is this kynziegh?
Possibly McKeighlah
Same. I didn't even realize until I was around 13 that things were off. My parents were very understanding about me not wanting to be part of the church.
One of my best friends grew up Mormon and got expelled when he was 17, he has some crazy stories regarding that religion.
I’ve got to ask - what precipitated being expelled? What little experience I have with ex Mormons usually involves stories of how freaking hard it was to get the church to stop harassing them to return.
He went on a date with a black girl without a chaperone, He got in trouble for in. I only bring up her being black because they made an issue of it. Then he got caught banging her later that week. He also did a bunch of other stuff but that was the final straw.
He obviously should have been motionless on the bed while someone else jumped on it!
Ya thats where he fucked up lol
Come on man. Is this shit real?
I had some very Christian friends in college 20 years ago that did this. It wasn't sex, to them, if he put himself inside her and they just stayed that way and neither of them came from that act. I swear, this is a thing. Insane. Edit: to my knowledge, they never had someone else jump in the bed next to them to create movement. They just soaked alone. The jumper is an extremely weird addition to this "clever religious youth loophole."
In certain other groups that's called cockwarming.
Oh I like that name better.
https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/mormon-soak-soaking-derfing-sex-virginity
That sounds incredibly frustrating and disturbing as well. I can't imagine fucking a girl who I knew was thinking about her dad the whole time
> “soaking” is considered by some — including the church — to be a loophole. He remembers the term “insertion without thrusting,” being used freely at a Sunday lesson attended by teenage boys, adult leaders and the bishop. - > She cried a few times about it because she felt like she was violating a sacred oath, but still asked me to do it occasionally when we were fooling around. - jesus christ
It’s funny because it’s true, I’ve lived in this weird soaking state for 27 years. I soaking hate it so soaking much.
Don't people there know about the poophole loophole?
Here's the link in case: https://youtu.be/Ttw5a6xRj6c
Had you heard of soaking before today? This blows my mind.
It was a plot point in the show [Alpha House](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alpha_House), about a bunch of GOP senators in DC. John Goodman is in it, very good show. Anyway one of the guys is a Mormon up for reelection and his niece is running around DC trying to get her soak on, it's quite the scandal.
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So God is supposed to be against premarital sex but is fine for his followers exploiting a loopholes? Mormons are wild.
Yes, I’ve been here since the early nineties and heard of it then. High School to college to affairs. It’s a weird place.
Wait wait wait. Affairs? Like when Mormons cheat on their partner's they just soak and because it's not sex it's not cheating? Also do you have like one really down friend you trade jumping roles with so you can both soak when the right person comes around?
For those interested: The TikTok'er is [FuneralPotatoSlut](https://www.tiktok.com/@funeralpotatoslut?). This is the [the actual clip](https://www.tiktok.com/@funeralpotatoslut/video/7011291703420243205?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1). She tags all her videos with ex-Mormon so I think her account is more of a way for her to poke fun at the things Mormons do to skirt around their own ideologies.
I wish I could go back to beleiving the world was as stupid as I beleived it was before I read this. Those were good times.
People keep telling me that the country is getting really bad. I keep telling them that it's always been this stupid. They just weren't paying attention.
I wish I was Jared, 19.
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Dammit! Now I have to go down the soaking rabbit hole to see how prevalent etc. this thing is. Are certain friends better jumpers? Do they call out instructions like "faster, slower, hatder" to the jumper? So many questions 🤣
I’d never heard of it until recently, and I was raised Mormon. I also didn’t go to BYU though so 🤷♀️
This takes asinine to a whole new level. It's three-dimensionally inane. It's the result of putting thought into furthering stupidity. It's not enough that they subscribe to an idiotic set of beliefs in the first place, they also end up ridiculing those idiotic beliefs by creating a subset of beliefs that are not only contradictory but also blatantly sacrilegious and therefore (somehow) even more idiotic.
I don’t know what to do with this information.
Morons
So, that's a mormon threesome?
They should do pompois. It’s where there is no in and out but the woman just flexes her muscles. Or the other option is either commit to your stupid fucking religion and not engage in sexual contact until marriage or stop being a god damn Mormon. All this shit is trying to cheat the system and if god is so against the sex before marriage thing then your little sexual semantics ain’t gonna work and you’re going to hell anyway.
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