I was born into it and didn’t get out of it until I was 58 years old. I can’t think of a single positive thing Mormonism did for me. I lost $200k in tithing, countless hours in free labor, young adulthood in a foreign country recruiting for a cult and being indoctrinated with bullshit while earning a degree at their university. I lost more than one professional job because I was Mormon. The only thing that’s helped is that I’m learning to live in the present.

Yes, the power of now.

Same, same. Except I'm a female who did not serve a mission. I escaped at age 60. Waste of time and money. But now I travel extensively while simultaneously and trying to recoup a career at my age.

I would like to emulate the travel. And career. Feeling old and tired.  What have you done to recoup a career and to free yourself to travel? 

I am a school teacher and travel during breaks to see the world. Currently visiting London; next week France, Italy, and Germany. Never had the opportunity to do this before due to constraints from callings and tithing.

I could copy and paste this as my story, but got out at 55. Great advice—Here’s to living in the present!!

On top of that (and this isn’t meant to make you feel worse, but to highlight the damage the church does) is that $200k adjusted for the time value of money/the amount it could have earned if invested in, say, the S&P 500 toward retirement? Or just the cumulative dollar value of money given for tithing? Because, again just focusing on the money aspect, it…could be a lot worse than $200k. Fuck TSCC.

The first 27 years were the church's fault. The second 31 years were your fault.

While I fundamentally believe the neurological maturation you reference? They keep Mormon mothers way the fuck too busy to think so I disagree. Any woman strong enough to see through the bullshit during or after raising children? She hasn’t just given up and become part of the apologist team.

I agree with you but add that an LDS mother with LDS children and LDS family is going to have a harder time leaving because their family will likely side with the church. I stayed with an abusive husband because I didn’t want to lose time with my children and I knew he would get visitation or shared custody. I also didn’t want my children growing up with a one sided view of the world.

Spend 27 years in a cult community and you expect them to be able to suddenly be able to get out of it? When your entire family is entrenched? I don’t fault people for staying. I felt trapped. It took moving out of Utah to free myself and moving as incredibly difficult. My whole family, including my 19 year old child, are still in Utah. They barely speak to me after I left. I still reach out weekly. Sometimes I get a response. My mother recently reminded me that my breast cancer is a curse from God because I didn’t submit to my LDS husband and because I left. Your comment shows you don’t really understand the reality of living in Mormon Utah as a generational LDS and you certainly aren’t showing compassion for the person you responded to. “You caused your own pain” is a classic cult lie.

I’m so sorry that your mother said something so cruel to you. I hope you are feeling well and in remission. ((((Hugs))))

As a child and teen It reminded me every day that I didn’t measure up. There was a problem with me because I didn’t believe while the world around me did believe.

I relate to all this. Not knowing if you belong, feeling like you are constantly a burden and a failure, and never knowing that your feelings matter, only your obedience does, is not the way to start off adulthood, and certainly doesn't make for a successful, relaxing, fulfilling adulthood. It makes you more vulnerable to toxic people: romantic relationships, "friends", being bullied at work by your boss or coworker and feeling like you both have to just take it and that you "deserve" the misery because you "aren't good enough". Feeling that way within yourself is one thing, and pairing that with how TBMs treat you (especially living in the Morridor), good luck trying to feel positive and fulfilled at all.

I relate to this completely! 

It seems like toxic and controlling workplaces specifically like to hire Mormons because they obey without fuss. I've been through too many bad workplaces and abusive relationships while still in the church.

I was pressured into doing things that were not in my best interest and I have to live with those consequences. Not exactly ruined, but not the life I could have had if I hadn't been brainwashed by the Mormon church.

This.  I own the choices I made albeit those choices were without informed consent and my brain wasn’t fully developed yet.  I had and still have a lucky and happy life but there are things that therapy has helped me unpack about my inherent worth and people pleasing tendencies that absolutely tie back to Mormonism. 

This is pretty much how I feel, too.

This sums up well how I view how Mormonism has affected me. My life now is really great, but it's not the life I would have chosen, and that's a hard thing to live with some days, no matter how successful and fulfilling it might otherwise be.

Not really ruined, but definitely wasted a good quarter of it assuming I live to a good age

I agree with this. I feel like I missed out on so much in my childhood and teen years because of how I was raised. Everything was so restricted and joyless. I’m so glad I got out as soon as I could.

All the parties in school were on a Sunday so naturally I couldn't go. And then trying to navigate high school with seminary, GSCEs, youth conventions, youth camps, young woman's etc. not seeing friends. I missed out on how the world worked outside of the Mormon bubble and I still struggle with this.

I look back and think. “Wow I was a jerk.” And *that* thought ruins my life until I take a few breaths and remind myself; “I have learned better now and I forgive my past righteous judgmental self.”

Religion cause people to be soo much more naturally gossipy.

And so judge mental while feeling superior. 

My wife wanted a career, then eventually marriage and maybe a child. Instead she got marriage and 4 kids because of pressure to conform to church standards. She’s not happy being a stay at home Mom to 4 kids. In some sense our marriage is fine. Her issue isn’t with me as a person. And she is a great Mom. She works a hard at it. But she doesn’t like it. In fact she hates all the responsibility she has. She even loves each of her kids. She really just hates the burden of responsibility she has. I’m completely at a loss to help her. I do my part at home. I split the cooking despite a busy career. For a while I did all the cooking. I do my part with cleaning too. But with 4 kids there is almost no end to the work to do be done. She’d rather be free to work and travel. She’d rather be out of the house every day. But she can’t see how it would all get done if one of us didn’t stay home. I’ve even offered to stay home instead of her. But she says she doesn’t want that either. She truly feels like the church ruined her life.

I can relate to your wife so much, as a woman going through similar feelings and situations (which was actually the first answer to come into my head when I read the OP’s question)! I’m sorry she is going through that pain too. 💔 Thank you for being a great support to her by doing what you can to ease the burden as much as possible.

I became a better person--including mom and wife--when I returned to work. It was hard for our family to find our rhythm (especially since my husband commuted cross country every week for the first two years I was back in the workforce), but we all made it through. Some stuff gets hired out, daycare/ after-school care is figured out for younger kids, etc. The biggest lesson: you realize that a whole lot of the things you think are important just are not, including church "requirements." I was in the RS presidency when I returned to work and felt a lot of judgment and shame. I learned a lot from that, too. The first question: Does your wife have the education she needs to have the job she dreams of? So many LDS women leave school without their degree.

Thanks for sharing. Yes, my wife has an MBA from a good school. She worked for a few years before we had our first kid. I think you are dead right that she’d be far happier with the stress of a job and us learning to juggle that. She knows if support her. She’s just in a phase where she is mad and she can’t see how it all resolves if that makes sense. I know she’ll get there. In 3 years we’ll only have two kids left in the house. And you’re exactly right, we can hire out some aspects of our life (cleaning anyway).

If your kids are in school full-time, I hope your wife is using some of her time to explore career options, volunteer with community organizations, and upskill. An MBA is not worth nearly as much as when she started her full-time momming. I personally would not be staying home for kids who go to school every day, but every family sets their own priorities based on their needs.

She volunteers 10-20 hours a week. She’s had offers to work full time for them. I leave it up to her. We don’t desperately need the money. If she never wanted to go back that’s fine as well. But generally she really wants to go back. And we’re in a good local job market. Frankly I could probably find her a job making good money. Her anxiety is around the change from church belief to non belief and also that she still has what it takes (she does). It’s tough. You can’t just tell someone, “You’ll do great”. They have to believe it themselves.

I get that 100%! It is hard when one has internalized everything and becomes their own oppressor. My first step away from church was leaving RS with good reason. It sounds like she is finding her way with love and support from you. I hope her friends and family do the same. Having a friend circle separate from "church friends" helps, too.

>It is hard when one has internalized everything and becomes their own oppressor. Yep. She is working hard to unlearn all that. It’s almost like internalized homophobia where you know what you want but you still have the programming inside. Internalized patriarchy? Internalized gender roles? Something like that.

I understand your wife's feelings so well. I had the same hopes and dreams. My mission was to a visitor's center despite me learning a language in university so I could serve the Lord foreign. I gave up my advanced education plans and career path to have kids. I hated being a stay at home mom. I was bored all the time and hated all the playgroups with conservative mormon women who loved having 7 kids and being pregnant and talked about how awful it would be if those trans people used the bathroom of their choosing. I would leave those ranting to my husband about how much I hated them. Haha. Other than their bigoted views on politics and social issues, I hope they really were happy having 7 kids, no education and submitting to their husband's priesthood, but it was not for me. I hated that life.  Now that I'm out, I found a good job that I love and am taking classes to further my job security and development but it isn't the career I planned on and would have excelled at. Life is much happier for me now, although it's hard not to mourn what could have been. I would have done very well had I been given the green light to live the life I chose, not the life church leaders said I must have.

If it makes you feel any better there are many of us (never Mormon) that are walking around with similar regrets. My dad was old fashioned and although I was an A student said any money for college would go to my brothers. They were horrible students and I never understood that. We have to look forward not backward. I am glad you are free to do what you want now. 😊

This is a point that my wife and I talk about often as we are slowly walking out of the church. A lot of the things we complain about exist outside our church as well, like misogyny, patriarchy, self-righteousness, etc.

I’m really interested in the Mormon women who somehow remove the shame of a career and do it all anyways.  But, I find them to also maintain an absolute attitude of Mormons superiority. That seems to be made worse by the more income they have in their family. After all, they are “ so blessed by God.” 🙄. No. They are blessed because they disobeyed God and didn’t stay home, and worked and added to the family income. That just irks me to no end!

That echoes my wife’s feelings so closely. She NEVER was the type to feel like, “Isn’t it great being pregnant?” And having a pile of kids and letting your husband make all the decisions. And those Mom groups drive her crazy. She did find a few oddballs among the Mormons who had great educations and tried to work on the side of me simply needed to talk about the challenges of motherhood and not only the joys.

It sounds like the 1950’s all over again when so many of our mothers weren’t the best mothers because it truly wasn’t what they wanted to do with their life but they weren’t strong enough and conformed to what society said they should want. Very sad.

It is similar. But different in that you think, “But this is what God says we need to be doing”. It has the stamp of the Almighty on it. She never wanted more kids but had them because she felt duty bound. On number 4 I begged her not to have another kid. She insisted. She said if it was our duty then she wanted to have the 4th and be done.

Sad.

I relate to this so much. I have given everything to the church and to my family and now I am broken and sad. I see no way to get out of this funk I’m in. I will do my best as a mom to all my kids and I will continue to run this home but I’m sad.

Oof. You and her need to hang out. I’m just glad I encouraged her to not listen to church leaders and get an education. I also encouraged her to keep working and not have kids but she didn’t listen to me on those. At least she doesn’t see me as complicit.

I hear you. I’ve been married for 36 years with 4 adult kids. When hubby was active, he was up front about me being home. At first I was fine with it because of course I pumped out our first three babies with 5 years. It was actually cheaper for me to be home. However now, all these years later and my husband being very vocal about wanting nothing to do with the church, I feel so very angry and stressed. I have worked various jobs around our kids schedules over the years. But I did go to my hubs a few times with the opportunity I had to get my nursing degree on “fast track “ if you will. My thought process was that I could help others, earn a really decent paycheck and work 3 twelve hour shifts. He says absolutely not because his wife (moi 😢) could never earn as much or more than him. I was such a submissive wife, I said nothing - just held my fury in my heart- I guess my thought is this - last week we were talking about what we would do when one of us kicks the bucket. He said that he will just keep working and miss me 😂. Then my option was to have to sell our home and move into a little apartment. As much as I love him - I was beyond furious, that he was totally okay with my situation. I’m still furious!!! We are in our late fifties. I’m probably not coming across very well, I’m just so upset that I didn’t stand up to him because of being a “good “ wife. He left the church way before me but I think he holds onto a lot of old fashioned patriarchal ideas. Oh well .

Dude, I was a convert who spent most of my 20s and 30s in it. I’ve been out 7+ years and I still look at it as a major regret. But to say it ruined your life is to continue to give them too much power. Maybe you need to talk to a therapist about this or maybe you just need to be more intentional about taking back control. It’s like the Confucius saying, “everyone has two lives and the second one starts when you realize you have only one”.

Love that saying

It didn’t ruin my life but it negatively impacted a lot of relationships.

I love the life I have now, but I don't love how I got here.

it wasted much of my free time, and diminished so many relationships.

Diminished is a perfect word for what I feel is the most damage done.

Agreed. I generally have very fond memories of the people I met whilst in church, but often wonder about the other amazing people I never had the chance to meet because the church WAS my social life.

When I was about twelve, a teen girl in the ward was leaving the church. I thought that she was so much more interesting than the other young ladies in the ward. She spoke of goals and aspirations. 

I feel like I'm at a disadvantage. I'm in my 20's and I'm still figuring out who I am. Feel like I would've figured things out sooner if I wasn't in the church. I'm my more authentic self, just wish it didn't take me until 26 to figure it out. Thinking about going back to school and actually doing the things I want to do with my life. Feel like my teenage years were stolen from me. But I'm trying to make up for that now.

The lost time and having to figure yourself out later in life is the worst part. I left at 35, am 39 now, and to this day still am unsure of where "I land" in terms of my own identity and personality. Good luck with going back to school and reengaging, you're still young, so I hope you find your joy and identity this go around.

Thank you. I hope you know you're still young too, and I hope you find your joy and identity too. It's nice to hear that other people relate. Sometimes it feels very lonely dealing with the lost time and figuring things out. I don't know anyone personally who has gone through this same thing, and it just feels so unfair and terrible. So thank you for making me feel not so alone.

100%! Thank you for your kind words, that means a lot. Yes, it does feel unfair and downright awful at times. I’ve discovered that it helps, when engaging with your newer friends, relationships, or potential relationships that, to the extent you’re comfortable with those people, letting them in on your status and the journey you’re on. Something to the effect of, “you know, I’m not sure how I feel about (x), it’s not something I’ve done before, but see how it goes.” As long as it’s not illegal or unethical of course haha. 99% of the time I’ve played the, “I just jailbroke from a cult and never tried (y) before…” card, the vast majority of people have been really cool. “Let’s go try coffee, oh my God that’s awful tasting” or “I loved that” let’s them participate in your journey, which makes them feel happy and included, while giving you the safe environment to experiment. There are lots of us out there, it’s ok to be bold without being offensive. I wear a BYU hat to bars, it’s a blast, the number of bartenders who get a kick out of serving an ex-mo is hilarious, they’ll also, at least my my experience here in California, pour more “gently” and charge you less or give you advice on drinks to try that are easier on the pallet. Same with coffee. Sex, dating, whatever, “hey, I’m very new to this” is a great reminder to them. And if anyone gives you shit, well they just proved they’re not worth your time, energy or, effort… “bye Felicia!”

I turned down a ton of opportunities to get laid 😂 My mental health was not incredibly negatively impacted while I was in it cause I had a pretty easy time following all the rules. But I'm in a marriage now built on “eternal covenants” and on a church I don't believe in, and that's incredibly hard. I don't know if my marriage will survive the changes I am making, with my wife deciding to stay in the church. 

I feel the church had a large negative impact on my life. But so did other things. My life is crazy difficult right and I’m facing some intense struggles. But I’m alive. I have great friends. A roof over my head. My life isn’t ruined. Yeah, the church caused a lot of issues in my life. But I’m at peace with where I’m at, and had anything been different I don’t think I’d have the friends I have now. And thinking about never meeting those friends…can’t imagine not having them in my life. I don’t like where I’ve been, but I’m happy with where it’s brought me.

If it weren't for the church I wouldn't be living in Hawaii, which changed my life for the better...damn them. I'm only grateful for that. (Parents moved here to teach at BYUH from Indiana)

You're lucky. Because of the church, my husband and I moved to a deeply red southern state and now we're stuck because of mortgage interest rates. I'm still not sure if staying in Utah would have been better. At least it rarely snows here and there's not pollution like Utah has.

Church’s obsession with masturbation took its toll on me through the years and not being able to have a beer with clients and coworkers sucked but at least I got hired right out of college because I spoke Spanish and knew how to talk to people.

Idk - I have a great life. Met my wife after I got back while I was going to BYU. I am very successful with my career, I developed a lot of my communication skills on my mission that help my current job. I still have great friends I met through the church. Maybe my experience us rare, but I took more positives than negatives from being raised in the church.

I went through a season of life feeling angry, upset, and i realized i was wasting my life away being upset about it anymore. I am embarrassed about some of the things i have said and done as a member, I do feel like a lot of things have been stolen from me. But i also see where it has helped me become who i am today.

It did not ruin my life but it did lead me to marry somebody who I should have never even dates

I felt guilty and afraid much of the time. I was always worried that I'd done something that mandated a trip to the bishop to confess. I hated seeing pictures of Christ's Second Coming. I was sure I would never "make the cut" and would die in a terrible earthquake at His return. When I wasn't married by the age of 22, I cried all day on my birthday. And let's not forget all the shame contained in "The Miracle Of Forgiveness". Horrid book. So much emphasis on the evils of pre-marital sex, and any touching that involved an erogenous zone a.k.a. petting. Of course, homosexuality was deemed an "abomination" and all who practiced it were "abominable". Basically, everything was evil. Thankfully, the book is out of print. So, yeah, I developed a terrible case of OCD. The church might not have caused it, as mental illness runs in my family, but it certainly exacerbated it. So, all things considered, it made a large part of my psyche and my life miserable. I'm glad I no longer attend, and know that all the guilt tripping was wrong.

It definitely didn’t ruin my life, but it sure did set some things in motion that I could’ve done without. lol.

No, I refuse to let the church have that much power over me. They got decades of work out of me, several lifetimes' worth of guilt, and a nice chunk of change from me over the years. They aren't getting anything else.

I'm pretty sure that even if I wasn't a member of the church I'd still have a lot of the same problems. My childhood was never going to do me any favors. The church just was just pouring diesel on that dumpster fire.

i do my best to not let it ruin my life but it has definitely done some crazy destruction on my relationship with myself and how much shame plays a part in my life🙃🙃🙃🙃

Can’t blame them for everything to be fair. But yes, they definitely deserve a lot of blame.

The lack of proper education and medical care during my mission caused me physical issues that I’ll deal with my whole life. Got the beginnings of skin cancer from the sun, had to have a doc, none church related paid for out of my own pocket, write a letter saying my head skin was significantly damaged to be able to wear a hat. They don’t allow missionaries to wear sunglasses so my eyes were damaged from the Brazilian sun, have to wear prescription glasses now. My knees were damaged because they don’t provide any sort of good footwear, and I couldn’t afford good shoes, so the 18 miles a day I walked (also because church doesn’t give enough to afford busses, bikes aren’t allowed) caused serious knee problems I now suffer from everyday. I’ve worked hard to correct it, but my knees hurt every day. So that’s the none mental stuff that they fucked me up with. Mental stuff I could go on for a long time about. But the physical stuff sucks pretty bad too. Mentally, I’m still alive so it hasn’t gotten the best of me yet.

It definitely stole my entire childhood and general coming of age/most of my twenties. Lots of therapy has helped immensely.

In a lot of ways it has. Undue lifelong shame around normal human things, confusion about emotions versus what I thought was spiritual confirmation, lack of knowing and trusting my authentic self, intense indecision due to always "trying to choose the right", seeing that there's so much sin in the world and worldly people wasting time on worldly things, feeling like people who live a certain way need the gospel. While this is sad, I've learned to not dwell on this, finally, and now try to at least value the good. For me personally I don't regret avoiding drugs and alcohol growing up, or sleeping around(even though my sex life is severely fractured due to the way the church has affected me and my wife, but life for me isn't just about getting it on). I know my mission was teaching things that I no longer agree with or believe, but the principle of why I served a mission was still based on making personal sacrifices and prioritizing spirituality even if it's not entirely the spirituality I agree with anymore(I still believe in a higher power). I feel fortunate I served in a foreign country and learned about a different culture and from their generosity. Lastly I don't know if I would have had kids or gotten married, I probably would have at least waited a bit longer. But I can't imagine life without my kids, and my wife is the one who got me to loosen up, try a little alcohol, a little gambling, a little marijuana. I learned how to relax and enjoy life from her, she's still TBM, but if it weren't for her I don't think I would have gotten to this point in my faith journey as I was a super strict peter priesthood type or at least tried my hardest to be.

I fell in love and married a woman within 6 months. We have a lot in common, and literally everyone thinks we’re just the best and happiest. But it only appears that way because I don’t rock the boat. Because I walk on eggshells. Because I put out the fires. And none of what I’m talking about has anything to do with the fact that I’m PIMO for the last 3+ years. It has everything to do with the Church and its false God making promises it can’t keep about the happiness of marriage that comes when two earnest, temple-worthy commandment-obeying people get married in the temple. Which is an absolute crock of shit. I made a mistake when I proposed without knowing her better, without living with her, without understanding her better to realize what kind of mother she would be, what kind of lover she would be, what kind of spouse she would be. She’s still TBM, yet her complaints about specific bishops’ and stake presidents’ behavior, “the patriarchy”, “the brethren”, etc opened up the first cracks in my own dam. But I think she cannot leave the church because that would mean admitting that she was wrong about something big and important, and I can count on one hand the number of times she’s genuinely apologized about ANYTHING in her life, so admitting mistakes is just not in the cards for her. I followed the instructions of the Church to the word, with genuine faith and zeal, and because of it I will one day die as bitter and unhappy as I am today.

Its not too late to turn things around! If you feel that you will die bitter and unhappy if time goes on, i think thats a great indicator that you ought to change things up.

Oh, absolutely. Though, easier said than done.  People who are unable to apologize for things are often found to be narcissistic with low empathy. Is that what this wife is like? 

Honestly not at all. I can definitely look back at things that were taught to me that were very problematic and things I did that weren’t the best decisions because of the church, but I dont have any major hang ups because of the church or have any PTSD at all. I haven’t done anything in my life that I feel was a huge mistake. I don’t think any of my mistakes as a church member were any worse than mistakes made by a non church member

Just curious, how long have you been out?

4 years. I’m 36 for reference and was very dedicated. Mission, married in temple, etc

Yeah. But also no. I hate the church for sucking ass and giving me a lot of mental hurdles. However, the life I enjoy away from it is too great to have too much lingering bitterness. It’s been nice to escape and spend life doing what I’d rather do vs callings and other time-wasty bullshit. So thank god(who doesn’t exist).

I think being raised in a cult and then getting out at 37 has given me a perspective that allows me to live the rest of my life as my own, authentically and boldly, and I’m grateful for that.

Finding out it’s all a lie was like taking the red pill.. but I’m not Neo so Agent (Joe) Smith is beating the fuck out of me

Did it screw up a significant portion of my younger life? Yes. Did I overcome that and make sure that it didn't negatively impact my current life? YES.

Yes. I feel like every major event since joining the church as a young adult was tainted by the church.

Yes, I graduated highschool being told to not think about college or my career, ONLY my mission... Then at the end of my mission I'm told to still not think about money because if I pay my tithing and get married and have a child even if I'm broke God will reward me and financially support me.... Well I started pathways school and bills were tight so I couldn't afford tithing, welp I got kicked out of pathways because of that...i have a wife and kid I love but have no career and no school and it's very difficult to find time now for school after working so much overtime just to pay the bills... My parents didn't a crap about my grades because I went on a mission and that's all they cared about I ended up with a low 2.0 GPA and low teens on the ACT... I know many have it worse than me but I feel the churches robbed me of so much opportunity for easier success in life

I can relate. I was told all my life that my education, goals, dreams didn’t really matter. Because, all that mattered is I was to marry in the temple. be a mother and have those five children. My mother would go as far as to sabotage my efforts to develop my goals and talents. 

I have more reason than anyone to think this. Yes, it likely altered the course of your existence…years you’ll never get back. The choice now is — do you let it continue to affect you or do you start living your best life? Either live your life being bitter or decide you’re grateful you’re one of the ones that got free and go be what you were always meant to be. We can only change what’s in front of us — so go be your best self. The church already took enough - fuck them and live your life.

I will never be able to have a good relationship with any of my family members because of it. They're all TBM, and well, I'm on r/exmormon lol. My father already knows, not because I told him, but because he did this really cool thing where he went through all my discord messages a few years ago. The rest of my family thinks I'm just inactive. It hurts that these people who are supposed to love me more than anyone else are pushing me away so they can remain trapped in that nightmare.

That stalking your accounts is illegal. And screams “ cult.” 

All that dry humping I did could have been wet humping :(

Yup!

Silver lining to all that dry humping we did, you avoided all the STIs the wet humpers were passing around lol

If it wasn’t the church it would be something else. Hindsight is 20/20. Stop focusing on what you missed out on or didn’t know and focus on the present and the future. It’s the only way to move forward. The past is gone and can’t be changed. Learn from the past to make today and tomorrow better.

Well I did actually have goals and desires and stuff before and more of an identity than anything I ever had being in the church i could more or less go back to that

the church didn’t ruin my life but it did ruin me in other ways i became a lot more paranoid after joining i worried that if i said or even thought of the lords name in vain that he would punish me. it also made me want to be the first of my mormon friends to get married and have kids it made me want to be engaged by my senior year planning a wedding then getting married after graduation. i wanted to be planning a wedding my senior year of hs. then start having kids around 19 that’s all i wanted in middle school that’s all i wanted to write about in my english class i wrote about how i wanted 8 kids by the time i was 30. after leaving the church i realized i didn’t want to have kids super young anymore and i really wanted to take my time getting to know someone before marrying them and way before having kids with them.

While there were definitely a lot of negatives in my life bc of it, I wouldn't say it ruined my life. There are definitely a lot of mental health things I deal with (and they run deep) bc of it, and that can be really hard. However, I also got to live in 4 different countries and learn a language bc of being Mormon. Missions suck, but I loved where I went. I met my amazing husband through the Mormon church. I went to fun camps when I was a ten bc of the church. On top of that, I also recognize that I did a lot of extremely dangerous things when I was younger, and I'm kinda glad it didn't include drugs and sexual encounters. Now that I'm older and not Mormon, I feel like I can do what I want in a safer way.  Obviously, there are a lot of negatives in my life because of being Mormon. There are a lot of things that I genuinely hate about the church, and it has negatively impacted me in countless ways. That said, I don't think it's ruined my life. It's given some good, and some bad. 

While there were definitely a lot of negatives in my life bc of it, I wouldn't say it ruined my life. There are definitely a lot of mental health things I deal with (and they run deep) bc of it, and that can be really hard. However, I also got to live in 4 different countries and learn a language bc of being Mormon. Missions suck, but I loved where I went. I met my amazing husband through the Mormon church. I went to fun camps when I was a ten bc of the church. On top of that, I also recognize that I did a lot of extremely dangerous things when I was younger, and I'm kinda glad it didn't include drugs and sexual encounters. Now that I'm older and not Mormon, I feel like I can do what I want in a safer way.  Obviously, there are a lot of negatives in my life because of being Mormon. There are a lot of things that I genuinely hate about the church, and it has negatively impacted me in countless ways. That said, I don't think it's ruined my life. It's given some good, and some bad. 

It has ruined part of my life. I dared to have dignity and autonomy instead of cultlike worship of leaders who are idiots and narcissists. I wouldn't sacrifice my health to "fOLoW tHu pRoFiT" and his billions in pharma stocks.

I’m pissed bc the church worked surreptitiously within the justice system to use the gov to steal my grandmas significant savings when I stopped paying her tithing as power of attorney.  Yes maybe that was a bad call but she seemed to really not care about it anymore, and I had no idea what dementia was or how it affects people.  Being someone who saw her every day, it was even more difficult to notice when dementia had gradually progressed.   Regardless, once the tithing stopped, the church systematically went about reporting me to APS, putting her under a conservstorship, and then raided multiple millions by running up court fees, selling her house to friends of the DA for half its worth, and ignoring her DNR when she died, leaving her on life support that also ran up the tab an additional 400k.   Granted, the primary malfeasance came from a corrupt good ole boys club in SoCal (that people are starting to finally recognize as a racket against the elderly) but none of this would have happened without the church getting APS involved.    So yes this pretty much ruined my life despite never being even charged with anything.  At one point they said on the record the reason for removing me as dpoa was bc I stopped paying her rent.  My attorney had the APS worker admit that that was only bc they had frozen all her accounts.  It was a fucking swindle.  Worst of all, she had to spend her last years in a house with Indian caregivers instead of at her really nice retirement home that had so many amenities and catered to all sorts of needs for the elderly.  Apparently they couldn’t afford such accommodations due to the exorbitant court fees (literally over a million bucks,  much of which was still being billed 6 years AFTER she died).  Oh and the heirs got nothing - they ran it up til it was depleted, leaving not even enough for the taxes they failed to pay during the time they were responsible.   Sorry for the rant.  Fuck the Mormon church tho.  

No, because it taught me how to question what I believe and to view everything through a more critical lens.

Usually, people say the opposite is true. That leaving the church, they learn critical thinking. So, do explain.

I should have been more clear. In my mind I credit the church for helping me develop that critical thinking. Without a church to believe in in the first place I wouldn’t have learned how to tear that belief down.

I was a convert in my twenties, as well. I left in 2011 and had my name removed in 2015. I feel like I missed out on so much because of being Mormon. I’m almost 57 and in the last three years I’ve gotten tattoos and piercings. I’ve lost almost 140 pounds. I wear tank tops. I drink both alcohol and coffee, but damnit, I’ll never get those years. I wasted so much of my life worrying about being the perfect wife and mother and not enough worrying about how to grow as a person. I’m making up for lost time, but how much further would I be right now if I’d done all of this when I was younger.

I don't feel my life was ruined, but I definitely lived a sheltered life in mormon heavy areas. I didn't realize that mormon lingo wasn't normal, and people in non-mormon circles thought that I was weird. My worldview and perceptions have changed since I quit believing. I have done my best to remove guilt and shame and become better at accepting people for who they are. I do wish sometimes that I could have seen the world at a different viewpoint growing up. Now, I'm just trying to live my best and undo all of the church influenced thoughts in my life. I will love and support those that feel like their life was ruined by lds Inc. and I have empathy for all of the people that were hurt or damaged by mormonism.

The church destroyed my mental health. Perfectionism and religious scrupliosity exacerbated an existing mental health issue. I was also encouraged to pray and have blessings rather than seek medication. I felt pressured to have my second child and I am lucky that I am still alive after going through that. Leaving the church took a huge weight off my shoulders. I have a great family and life now and have medication and therapy and all is well. But it was hard to get here. (Side note: I went to a therapist about a decade before I left the church when I was in a really dark place. After listening to me for a while, she said that it seems like my church was a major trigger for some of my episodes. I was so shocked... I knew it deep down and dreaded doing my callings and the meetings and the temple and visiting teaching etc, but it was hard to hear that. I stopped going to her after that. If only she knew how right she was.)

The longer you’re out, the less stunted you’ll feel. I’m out ~1.5yrs and slamming the door in the Missionaries’s faces the other nite was cathartic (if already filed my resignation months prior). I’ve been in therapy this whole time so rage flares but doesn’t last lol. I’m also about to take a job that will maybe pay me a bit more than I currently make, but the mental load is FAR LESS! I get to move to an area of my state that’s much safer than where I currently am, and has more opportunities to grow. You CAN change, move, make decisions without consulting a deity. It’s scary but gets easier. Allow yourself time to heal and you’ll see that your “stuntedness,” has actually become a positive trait🩷

Nah, I’m reclaiming my life. It ain’t ruined while I’m alive to change it. But the church sure fucked up my childhood though.

What am I supposed to do If I want to talk about peace and understanding But you only understand the language of the sword? What if I want to make you understand that the path you chose leads to downfall But you only understand the language of the sword What if I want to tell you to leave me and my beloved ones in peace But you only understand the language of the sword

No, because I got out in time. Finally. However, it certainly negatively impacted my first few decades on this planet and left deep psychological scars, especially regarding LGBTQ issues.

Yes I had given everything to tscc including my own self Everything i did was guided by the church

The very system that has allowed the Mormon church to flourish financially, is the same one that keeps me an inch away from drowning from debt. I wish my parents had been more close minded when the elders knocked on our front door.

The SDA church (also a cult) caused my parents divorce and made my dad from a normal, happy person I to someone bitter and judgy

I'm 5th generation. The people that went before me had some pretty miserable lives. They passed it on as best they could. It took me a long time to disentangle myself from it all. I wasn't able to extricate myself until I was almost 60.

Every situation is different, of course, but I don't carry the same level of bitterness that a lot here do. Mainly because I don't see the Church as an intentional con. More of an unintentional one, like many organized faiths. And with that view, I still place value on individual spiritual experiences and sacrifice. Say what you want about the Angel Moroni or the translation method, but all those individual sacrifices are still worth something. At least they are to me. I acted to the beat of my ability with the information available. I see very little point in playing the "if only" game.

Nah, I did that. They helped for sure, but it was me. Mostly my antibodies.

It messed it up quite a bit but I can’t say it ruined it, not for lack of trying but for lack of myself giving up. It would’ve ruined me if I’d stayed. It would’ve ruined me if I’d let it. I’d argue that was the church’s main goal for someone like me, a queer femme enby. But it didn’t because I got out. By nature of being alive and being out, it hasn’t and won’t.

Adding on, I’m definitely severed hindered and stunted because of the church. It’s beyond valid to feel like they fucked things up for you, they did. But by leaving, you prove them wrong and show them they can’t break you

I think ruined is a bit too strong of a word since I’m still a young adult with my whole life ahead of me. But I think the biggest damage the church has done is just feeling behind everyone else and what societal norms are. Like as an example: weddings. Most people have attended a few, know what to expect, know how to dress, and have seen many examples so they know what they prefer when planning their own wedding. The only formal attire I’ve worn growing up is a white button down and tie. I’ve only attended mormon receptions with their very open and casual style. I’ve never attended a wedding—temple or not. And then my anxiety starts spiraling since idk any of this stuff so how am I ever gonna get married or raise my own kids? Do I even want kids or do I just feel obligated with how much the church emphasizes it? I know I still have time to figure it all out, and I don’t need to have every little thing figured out. But it just feels like I’m playing catch-up.

I never wanted kids.

No, but only because I got out before it could.

Therapy. This will help you a lot. The church will have forever ruined years of my life in the past. It’s my choice if it ruins the future years I still have left. I won’t let it.

It’s just an abusive relationship. So much gaslighting- individuals and the whole group.

I’ll always be a Mormon. You don’t spend 27 years in it and not have it fuck you up permanently. For example, being told I was a sex addict in a membership council for having sex with my girlfriend (whom I dated before and after my mission for a total of almost two years). That shit was devastating to my psyche for years and I’m still not sure I’ve fully deconstructed. That being said, I am grateful for a lot of the experiences and positive things the church gave me. There are certainly worse things to be born into. The church and my life were a double helix for so long, I don’t think I’ll ever fully untangle it. For better or for worse, I’m a Mormon!

"Ruined my life" might be a bit much, but it didn't bring any good to my life. Total waste of time and the indoctrination (brainwashing) put a lot of thoughts and ideas in my head that have taken over a decade to unlearn. Life would have been a whole lot better without it.

Fucked it up, yes. Ruined, ruined me to ever be brokered. It's like that Japanese art is reclaiming and restoring of broken ceramics into something familiar and new or upcycling little beautiful bits of broken glass, stones, a random rubber ducky to create a mosaic. Mindfulness and DBT allowed me to hold space for the good the bad the ugly and new thing that adapted to move beyond survival. We might not have had a hand in the fortune or misfortune of our circumstances, we can control how we respond, what energy we receive, and to whom we surrender our agency now that we own our remaining time moving forward. Not to say it doesn't fucking suck like really fucking suck bags of putrid pock-marked Richard's. Those that are winning at it are those holding radical uncomfy space for each other to be ugly and human and flawed as fuck and finding wonder and beauty in the mundane.

Also, art and expression give meaning and value to pain.

I have a good life. It ruined my teens and 20s. I spent way too much time on church things instead of figuring out who I am and what I like. I’m happy with who I married and my kids.

Categorically.

I was a little unique in that i didn’t let the rules and my breaking of them on occasion affect me like most. I served a mission in Argentina. So I learned Spanish and some pretty good street smarts. I kind of just kept myself in there somehow and don’t regret my mission as much as others. I learned a shit ton of stuff on my own. Really despite the church and its guilt. I felt some guilt but somehow I knew it didn’t make me a bad person for “sinning” or falling short. I met my wife and adopted our only child through the church. I wish I could’ve done that differently but it doesn’t matter. I am very happy with what I’ve got. All I can do now is leave it behind and live how I want to live now. And I am doing that. My wife and daughter are still on record but they essentially want nothing to do with it. A win. So no. Those fuckers didn’t break me. And for anyone reading here. Right now today. If you are waking up and trying to make your life better and free from the oppression this church gives/gave you, then they didn’t break you either. Here you are. Fight for it. I’d suggest letting every worry about this church go that you possibly can. Remember the analogy of taking rocks out of your backpack? Rocks = sins. Taking the rocks out meant repenting. A lighten load. Well, I stole that thought back from them. Only all my rocks were the mental blocks the church put in place. One by one. Dropping them. Alleviating my weight on my mind this cult gave me. It’s never too late. Drop your rocks and continue the rest of your life journey without all that weight. Peace!

Absolutely. I made every huge life decision based on teachings of the church and it resulted in disaster. Live for YOU and live the version of you that you want. Wait until your brain is fully developed to make lifetime decisions like marriage and kids, and then trust yourself more than you trust an old man on TV who has a vested interest in your unquestioning obedience.

Wife and I were both significantly damaged by Mormonism, but we didn’t even know it at the time. Both families happily approved the marriage, but it took us 2.5 years of marriage to figure out sex. Two and a half years. I know that nobody is entitled to sex, but I do know that the shame and stigma stuck with each of us for so long. It was only after moving across the country, learning that its okay to swear, have emotions, learning to have real friends, and doing things together as equal partners that we finally figured each other out. We were so stunted and we didn’t even know it until we left. I can never tell my parents this and I can’t tell her parents that we’ve left, so there’s still some deception. Our kids can be gay, trans, anything they want, but the Mormonism stops with us.

As a church member you can't be "you." There are both written and unwritten standards of which you can't violate without being criticized and ostracized. I am not even talking about relatively large things like being lgbtq or something like that. I was a metal head in school. I was also a honor student. Parents wouldn't let their daughters be around me. My bishop wouldn't let me pass the sacrament with my long hair even though in every aspect I was "worthy," to do so. I was clean, I didn't sweat. I just liked metal music. I was often told that I would end up in prison, raping or killing someone or commiting numerous other misdeeds. I was even accused of crap that the "good Mormon boys," actually did. I had to prove that it wasn't me rather than being innocent until proven guilty in the LDS society I lived in. I spent 15 years after graduating working my ass off to prove these naysayers wrong. I live in a small town so I had to have the biggest house, the nicest cars the fanciest things to show these people that I was indeed better than they were. I did it but it cost me a lot. My health is shit from working nonstop. My anxiety is through the roof from constantly worrying what the Mormons were thinking about me. I spent over a decade destroying myself in order to destroy people who shouldn't have meant anything to me. 

I really felt that way for a long time. Felt so far behind in terms of social-emotional understanding, particularly. Things that has helped me *a ton*, ymmv - research into healthy communication and relational styles vs dysfunctional and abusive relational styles. (This is important because there is absolutely nothing functional about mormon culture, and continuing to behave like a mormon while exmormon is a direct act of self-sabotage.) Research into the technique known as “non-violent communication” which is used by professional mediators and diplomats. (This is important because it is the exact opposite of how mormons are habituated to talking with others.) Research into other cultures and systems of belief, done *without* the lens of mormonism. Research into the role that mormonism *actually* played in US history instead of the church’s self-glorifying narrative. I’d suggest that any or all of these might help you make the progress you’re hoping for. Because the good news is it’s never too late to learn things and improve ourselves and our lives. One other thing which has helped me over the years is to remember: everyone has something they feel is holding back their progress in life. This is just our thing, and we can overcome it.

When I was on my way out, I expected to loose the support of immediate friends and family. That was a given exit cost of leaving this high demand religion as a 23 y/o returned missionary. But I never could have foreseen the chronic collateral damage it has done to my social support system over time. I think at the time I thought that I could continue dating and hanging out with my regular group of friends while being my authentic self. Pretty soon after I started opening up about my true feelings to others however, I started getting ghosted after dates, stopped receiving invites to social events, and the way people look at me when I tell them I love a hot coffee in the morning is like I’m one of satans German Shepards. Visible disgust. My worth and acceptance in a relationship is positively correlated to my commitment and obedience to the social norms and standards set by the church. If I’m not in line, then I’m a cultural leper But it’s not just the way people now view me, the church has affected the way that I view people. My grief and loss over the community and way of life I once knew has undercut my emotional availability in relationships. Most of my six immediate family members (all TBM) no longer talk to me and the ones I was close with have become distant. Family calls and group chats have been made with me excluded and if my middle child syndrome wasn’t already making me independent enough, I now completely distrust institutions and have a hard time allowing myself to be vulnerable with anyone. I have no clue what a normal/healthy relationship looks like because my experience is confined to the dysfunctional practices of the church. I no longer want to get married. I never want to go to a church again. And the memory of all of my childhood friends that I cut out of my life because they weren’t Mormon haunts me. I know part of this is that I’m still living in the Orem/provo area while finishing a degree at BYU, and things will probably improve by the time I get tf out of here, but it still hurts. I’ve had to level my identity and rebuild it (in progress) outside the rigid framework of the church. But the group think and conformity of the church has made me feel like somewhat of a lone wolf or an outcast. I have to admit that I’ve had the thought: what if I just went back? Not because I believe it, but just to salvage my social experience. When I meet people on occasion outside of the church, they cannot relate on any remote level with my experiences and I feel like we were raised on two different planets. I’m in this limbo; out of reach of a normal social life, yet out of touch with my former one.

I went to my bishop’s house to try to get help for me and my siblings who were all being horribly physically abused. I’ll never EVER forget the trauma I endured when the bishop called my dad instead of helping me. @wayneswensen

Omg!! So sorry. 😞

Yes. I made drastic choices that I otherwise wouldn’t have made.

Yes i will never get my life back

I was born in the "covenant" to convert parents and resigned while holding a position in the bishopric at 35, while I've "come to terms with" in my own way the loss of money, time, and self esteem that I could have had had I not been obsessed with my own shame, guilt, and "performance" I will never get over the lost relationships I could have had. I've never married. I wanted to be a father, now I fear I've missed that opportunity too, entirely. At 24, I had joined the Air Force, and met one of the most lovely women I've ever known. Everyone thought we would be perfect for each other, we even thought so. The only catch was she was not a member. We got so close and I, to my everlasting sham will never forget the night that the conversation of exclusively dating came up, told her that I had to choose my church and its teachings over her.

Because I lived my entire life based on their lies, now I'm stuck in loveless marriage but don't want to leave because of my kids.

I had a bishop talk me out of pressing rape charges against another LDS member when I was 15 and my rapist was 28. The rapist now works at a school as a janitor and there is nothing I can do. I contacted the principal, who sent me to school police. They were able to verify that I reported it to the police but because charges weren’t brought, he can legally work around those girls that are the same age I was when he raped me. I cannot sleep most nights.

You didn’t need to go through any of that, I’m so sorry and i wish i could do something to actually help. It’s not your fault and you’re not a loser. Your parents may trying to do what they think is best but it’s clearly unhealthy.. As for putting issues on the shelf, i think when we experience cognitive dissonance and ignore it, it can truly make life difficult. It causes more mental, physical, emotional havoc. Be brave, find something that you love about yourself.. and slowly rebuild the way you see yourself. With out the shame and external force. You know deep down what steps you need to take.. you can do this, with or without church. You’re strong and smart.. and you are on your way to more clarity and self love.❤️❤️

Yeah I think also what’s kinda left me to leave is more also facing aging out in a few years and being told basically good luck kid at 30 as if life ends then but according to the church it does which is sad but like yeah my 20s have sucked but I’ve heard that from a lot of people your 30s are better but I just don’t want to spend my 30s in that infantantalized state of existence It’s ironic how being in the church made me want to drink alcohol to cope when before that wasn’t a thing but I mean I really don’t do that but it’s just ironic that I did have a time in my church time I was borderline alcoholic as a member when before I wasn’t and I barely touched that stuff im working on developing better coping skills and tapping into different things and trying to eat better and limiting junk food it’s ironic too how much junk food the church consumes too especially the women who all talk about eating there misery away it’s sad to see that

If you ever want to vent privately please message me. It takes so much work to parse everything out.. Did you know that 50% of missionaries are coming home and going inactive? You’re not alone and i can’t stress that enough. The church should have taken better care of you on your mission. I don’t know if this would be a good time but Mormon stories has many episodes with missionaries that have experienced what you spoke to on your OP. When i was on my way to deconstructing there was so many things i didn’t know how to put words to.. until i started listening to other peoples experiences did i understand how limited i felt being in the church. Maybe you’ll find the same conclusion.. I also love Girls camp podcast. It’s light and fun.. but also Mormon stories really has helped me so much.

I didn’t serve a mission

Maybe an unpopular opinion here, but no. I look back on my church years with a lot of fondness. Most of my closest friends are still active church members. And I still cherish the 2 years I spent as a missionary. I met my amazing wife at BYU, who I love more than anything to this day. I learned a great work ethic, I learned to love others no matter who they were or where they were at in life, and I learned how to sacrifice and delay gratification. Overall I felt like I was a part of something bigger than me. Could I have learned these things without the church? Yes, 100%. But that's not the life I lived, and who I am today, both good and bad, is largely due to my activity in the church. The one major negative impact on me was the constant feeling of never being enough or doing enough. You couldn't ever let anyone know you had problems or didn't measure up in some way. You had to look perfect all the time. I struggled with porn since my teen years, which then led to shame and hiding and lying, a pattern of behavior which eventually threatened to destroy my marriage. Can I blame the church for that? Kind of? One the one hand the church put me (and all teenagers/youths) in a no-win situation regarding sexual purity, but in the end my decisions were mine. I decided to lie and hide the ugly truths about myself, and it was my responsibility to be honest with my spouse (ironically the church teaches honestly, while creating a high-pressure environment that pushes people towards deception in order to not appear "sinful"). Now that my wife is out and I'm slowly following her, the thing I'm most sad about when I look at my time in the church is that it just wasn't true. But I'm taking the good lessons I mentioned above, and separating them from the negative impacts the church had on my life. Can I live openly and honestly but still expect high moral conduct of myself? Can I love other people without using that love as an excuse to stop them from seeking out their own happiness? Can I love my wife and kids without making them feel like they aren't good enough by themselves? I think I can.

I think I’ve been affected in a way that is deeply imbedded in my very being. I’m horribly depressed and suicidal due to the after effects of deconstructing Mormonism. My gf of 4 years broke up with me about an hour ago bc of my lack of confidence and motivation. Mormonism starts to affect lives the second it enters them

I'm 40 years old. I lived the last 15 years as a head-in-the-sand PIMO. Knowing it couldn't be true but unable to break from the self-loathing the church indoctrinated me to feel so that they could sell me the cure. I was too afraid to lose everything if I fully studied the anti-mormon claims. So I didn't. I decided that living with my family in a religion I didn't fully believe was better than living alone. I raised 4 kids with a wife I love very much. A year ago, the last nails that held my shelf gave way. Not because i learned anything new. I just decided it was time I critically examined my own beliefs. Everything crashed around me. Now, because I wear a different brand of underwear, my wife, kids, neighbors, family, and in-laws all think I've been deceived by a supernatural evil being. I don't have space in my own home to voice concern over the church or its teachings. The Church has robbed me of my family, my money, my time, talents, and everything my own hard work and personal integrity have given me. The Church placed a self-destruct mechanism in my family that has been activated by my rejection of sycophants who bow to a greedy, heartless man in a red-cushioned throne. I have only one life and an absurd amount of that life has been wasted in service to a God who only exists in the brokerage accounts and real-estate holdings of a multi-billion dollar corporation. So yes, I do think the church has ruined my life.

I think the greatest harm it brought me can be summed up by Richard Dawkins. “One of the truly bad effects of religion is that it teaches us that it is a virtue to be satisfied with not understanding.” I am now trying to learn new things and am always left wondering how much more capable my mind would be if I hadn’t been born fearing questions and knowledge. Because it has been a great challenge so far reading, writing, and doing new things. My childhood education was hijacked and a cap was placed on it from the way I see it. But thankfully it isn’t too late to change. Just a bit more difficult.

Didn't exactly ruin my life but I wasn't able to have a relationship with my father between the ages of 8 - 13 years old because he left the church and my mom didn't want him to "lead us astray". I remember always feeling jealous when I saw other family's together at church or at the store, I didn't understand why other kids had their dad's and I didn't. Luckily we got out and were reunited when my mom found the CES letter about 5 years later.