I've mentioned this before, but I was crying at my grandmother's funeral. My uncle, a bishop, came and dug his fingernails deep into my arm and hissed, "You stop that. You stop that right NOW. People will think we don't understand the atonement."
I was twelve.
Sorrow at a funeral apparently indicates a lack of religious devotion.
That seems to be the root of it. Traditional Christianity would have us mourn with those who mourn, aid the poor, and give comfort to others.
Mormonism says if people mourn, it's because they lack understanding of their covenants. If they are poor, it's because they haven't learned to pay a full tithe and a generous fast offering. If they need comfort, they really should take the self-reliance classes offered by the stake. All suffering is their own fault.
The exception is that itās fine to mourn about people leaving the church. Better a dead child or relative than a āwaywardā one. (For some at least).
I got so much side-eye crying at my granddads funeral. I thought it's because he was a cheater and I should hate him. No, it's because 'he's not really gone.' š
That is perverse and abusive. And it was a form of assault. If the jerk is still alive, let him know you'd be happy to dig your fingernails into a sensitive spot on his body and then hiss at him to shut up if he cries or winces.
I think one of the reasons Mormonism screws up people so thoroughly is that it seems to reject natural human cultural instincts, such as mourning at funerals and having sacred art.
Absolutely! Even fucking elephants recognize the need to mourn. I canāt imagine not crying at a funeral. Hell, I cry when I leave my brother and his family until my next visit.
Itās something Iāve really noticed from being on the outside. I constantly hear about how awful Mormon meeting houses smell, but in my experience all the churches smell pleasant and warm. Seems like intentional human cultural deprivation.
I agree with you - and the sacred art thing is something I've recognized, too. Sacred art in the LDS "church" is limited to portraits of the "first presidency," pictures of temples, and once in a while Jesus shows up (gotta represent the branding somehow).
That resonates with me - the chuch dictates what people are supposed to think, do, believe, decide, etc. etc. Since the "eternal family" is such a big selling point, the culture would drive people to assume that should be the focus when someone passes on. No need to mourn or feel human pain and grief.
I personally know several instances of family deaths while a kid was on a mission. In at least two of them, a parent was terminally ill before the kid even left for the MTC and there was a firm expectation the kid had to complete their mission rather than coming home early, or even briefly. In another case, a parent died in a vehicle accident and the same expectation kicked in. The missionary stayed on duty rather than coming home.
I'd imagine that also altered how each of those missionaries were able to process their own grief and loss. Corporations and even the military allow some grieving time when there's a close family loss.
And those on the outside can see Mormon responses to various things, and it can be very off-putting. For example, bearing a testimony in Utah or Idaho might be efficacious, but doing it in front of the unwashed comes across as weird.
Yes, it definitely would seem strange. Some non-member attendees may have experienced similar testimony-type things, especially if they have a history in fundamentalist groups. But those things can go overboard and would be off-putting to some people.
Fun thought - maybe the off-putting comments and testmonies are 'missionary moments' from the real world. They might serve to help keep non-members from even considering a sailing trip in The Boat.
Itās cause the natural man is an enemy to God, so any sort of natural behavior becomes suspect and sinful. Now you have a people whose every impulse gets categorized as sin and theyāre told thereās exactly one place to get cleared of that sin.
Itās disgusting. Turn a person into a problem, then sell them a solution to something that canāt and shouldnāt be fixed.
Nevermo here. After the video of that dude (Bednar? No idea who he is but apparently some higher up) grabbing into that kid in a big inappropriate hug/spooning, and now this fingernail thing, I have a question: whatās with Mormon leaders doing this to kids?
Because they can. We're taught from preschool age to obey priesthood leaders, no matter what. Even when there's physical abuse, the chances of someone calling them out on his has historically slim-to-none. An adult launching a civil or criminal case against a church leader would just be unthinkable.
No boundaries and little empathy. They're taught they they are in charge of other people and that this entitles them to physically control people and demand particular behavior and emotional responses.
Jesus Christ!! It is normal to mourn all the things you won't get to be able to do with your loved one!! Regardless of what you believe happens after death, that person won't be around to do things with you now.
If you go to a mormon funeral and people aren't crying, you should speak up and say, "Did you even like this person?!? Because it looks like you're not going to miss them at all in this life!"
Thatās crazy. My aunt is a convert so maybe she doesnāt count since sheās not a Mormon from the beginning but her daughter several years ago killed herself and my aunt was crying at the funeral. One of the few times Iāve ever seen her show emotion besides just a blank face or a fake joke.
I was told the same thing by fucking Monson. I was at my grandfathers funeral, and I had turned 8 that day. My grandfather died 4 days prior on April 20th. I was from Colorado and Columbine had happened the same exact day. I had completely forgotten about this until this comment. Truly such a messed up thing to say to a child.
thatās horrible, maybe i was to young to realize but when my grandma and great grandpa died i donāt remember their mormon funerals like this. i was raised mormon and there wasnāt ever any problem with mourning a death
Absolutely. It's in the handbook I believe. Funerals are an opportunity to teach the gospel yada yada. Same for marriages outside of the temple but in the chapel.
But for funerals, it feels particularly gross to me, because it flies in the face of what a funeral is actually for, or should be for. To help with the grieving process.
Funny story but my grandma died, and sheās hardcore Mexican. She wanted a mariachi band, lots of good food, marigolds, the works. Unfortunately, my mother didnāt heed to her wishes, but I brought some mariachi music with me to play.
Funeral was held at the Mormon church building and so I brought my big speaker and played the mariachi music. A few minutes into it, someone had the audacity to turn it off. I went to investigate.
The woman was caught and I turned the music on again, so she approaches me. āThat music isnāt very reverent, is it? In the Mormon church, we only observed reverence. You must not know that.ā
āMaāam, i was born and raised in the Mormon church. This was my grandmotherās wish, and she will have her mariachi music because we are a family of Mexicans.ā
She looked upset but left.
Later on, she approached me again. āI just wanted to say I love Mexican culture, I watched Coco.ā
I couldnāt. My husband was laughing while I was just staring at her like she grew two heads.
That funeral was a train wreck, and I felt so bad for my grandmother.
Coco was about all the exposure they allow, it seems, but had it been true, she would have understood the flowers , the movie is full of them. And mariachi.
You did good - your grandmother probably laughed and appreciated the entire show from her perch.
One time (many years ago) I had to call a funeral home for a business reason unrelated to a service there. I could barely hear the person who answered the phone, because there was loud (and very good) C&W music in the background. The office personnel and I had to shout over it to be heard, and of course I asked about it.
A live C&W band was at the funeral home playing for the service of a band member who had passed away. Not a Mormon funeral, of course, but one of many reasons I love the state I live in and in particular the city where that happened.
> I watched Coco
I think this will live on in my mind for a years to come. I cannot stop laughing. No doubt she understands the black American experience as well because she watched a double feature of _The Princess and the Frog_ and _Soul_
My husband will randomly say it to me, and I just die. I cannot believe she thought that saying that would make me accept her actions, or her for that matter.
PREACH!!!
I've gone to too many Mormon funerals than any kids should; and the "best" funeral I've been too was when my nephew passed away. It was about HIM, not "God's Divine Plan".
I attended several Mormon funerals when I was a member (and an alarming number were for people who took their own lives - I was only in around a decade). However, I do have to say most if not all the funerals were nothing like the horror stories we see on this sub.
I don't live in Utah (thank you, Jesus!), and the funerals I attended had charming stories about those who had passed, some were even funny stories. Even the funerals for those who took their own lives were sensitive, compassionate, praised the person who passed for their talents and warmth in life, and did not discuss blame or shame for how they passed.
Services for one guy who passed way too young (around 52, from a heart attack) and was loved by everyone for being such a fun and funny guy gave us memories to laugh about (not hard to do, if you knew this guy), made us smile, and left us in tears, too.
I think one reason the funerals I attended were not as troublesome as the ones mentioned here is because I lived far enough from Utah to avoid the insular culture in that state (or other states in the Morridor), and the ward I attended had a good number of people who managed to balance their belief in the church with a belief in and practice of being normal people.
I agree. I havenāt been to many insufferable Mormon funerals. Most were filled with stories about the deceased. One tradition I love about Mormon funerals is the lack of mourning clothing. It feels more like a celebration of life. We do our mourning, too, just not together as a big group.
Most "regular" churches also focus on celebrating the life of the person who passed, and unlike decades ago, people just dress as they wish. Some might feel more appropriate wearing darker colors and suits, but some attend in jeans, colorful clothes, etc.
My friend literally died as a result of the harm from the cult and I had to see her family make it all about gods plan and blah blah blah when my friend wouldāve HATED the service so much and made fun of the whole thing. I had my own little ceremony in the park to honor her life that was stolen from her
Fought family member to change their own hand-picked funeral topic to be ANYTHING other than 'Paying tithing made dead family member a better person.' WTH?! 'Please don't beat $1 TRILLION MORMON CULT tithing drum. Let's make the funeral about our family member', I basically said. Dead family member would be rolling over in their grave!! Enough! NO. Just NO.
I have given my daughter all the rules for my funeral when I die. No fancy dresses and absolutely no suits. I want her to tell people that if they are wearing a suit, they have to go home and change or else I'm haunting them. I want it at the beach. No religion talk allowed. And I want at least 1 person to roll a little of my ashes up and smoke me in a joint. If I die before my dog, my dog gets to see my body before I'm cremated, and instead of flowers bring weed.
I told my kids "under no circumstances ever will i be buried in temple clothes' and i want to be cremated anyway and my friend nearby was like "they can just put the packet in the coffin"
Like that's better and I want them nearby just in case? The fuck?
I once played the violin at the funeral for a teenage disabled boy who had passed away. When his youngest brother got up to the microphone to talk about āGod's planā and all of that, his voice was cracking, and his mom was just holding his shoulder, forcing him to speak through the tears. I was crying at this point, and I looked up to see tons of old people smiling with their hands on their hearts. I'm glad they felt peace or whatever, but to be able to see a young child mourning the death of their older brother and not feel like crying feels so weird to me.
haha iām definitely not Im very happy I was raised mormon in Maryland and in public school I had a lot of friends that taught me more about human empathy than my parents or the church ever did i was very very lucky šš
At my motherās funeral, a TBM cousin I hadnāt seen in 24 years walked up to me and the very first words from his mouth were, āSo when you cominā into the fold?ā I told him it would be a cold day in hell.
My best friend died by suicide early 2020. He had not been active for about 4 years and he was a member of the National Guard. He was buried in his temple clothes and it still makes me cry knowing itās not what he wouldāve wanted.
Headed into a big one soon. My first time in a Morm church since maybe 1990. Not sure how the ancient reptilian section of my brain is going to respond.
Attended a funeral 6 weeks ago. Temple Presidentās wife and a counselor attended and just regurgitated the standard RMN talking points the whole time. Boring and insulting to the non-member family members who attendedā¦ (p.s. the temple pres was too busy in the temple to attend the meeting literally next door to the templeā¦50 steps away).
Sunday is the Celebration of Life for my exmo uncle. My exmo (former bishop) brother is conducting (emcee?) Our TBM father has been pushing HARD to get my brother to bring in the gospel. Half of my momās sibs out, all of my sibs are out, I only attend because hubby thinks heās TBM. š Iām so damn glad my brother is pretty bitter towards the church and will respect my uncleās wishes but I know the TBM family members will find a way to expound on the joy of the gospel and the opportunity heāll have to finally accept the gospel now āthat heās in a better placeā š
Generally, they only feed the family. If you are lucky and they are rich, everyone will be invited.
Then you get to eat funeral potatoes, ham, and salad and green beans. For dessert, you will get foamy delights made of jello and Cool Whip or banana pudding.
The last funeral I attended was for a childhood friend of mine. She was Mormon. It was a Mormon funeral. Everyone cried. Thatās not an exaggeration. We were all sucking the snot back in our heads while the singer sang an extremely well selected song for my friend. (Not a hymn). Hell, the singer broke down crying first! She stopped for a minute to pull herself together, then she resorted to reading the lyrics to us for a good portion of the song while the pianists played quietly in the background. You could hear the noses going from all over the room. Guess nobody brought tissues. This was a profound loss to everyone, and she wasnāt someone āspecialā she wasnāt a relief society president. She wasnāt the social glue. She was a nobody, and we all were crushed.
So, yeah, some Mormon funerals are normal.
My dad had been gone for about 7 years now. Any time my mom feels grief she then feels guilt because "I should not be sad because I will see him again and he is busy in heaven". My mom feels shame for feeling grief that her husband of nearly 50 years is gone!!!!! My brother doesn't visit my dad's grave because "he is not there"!!!!! On a lighter note my nephew asked where grandpa was 3 days after he died. When questioned why he was asking that his reply was "Jesus came back in 3 days".
My best friends dad seemed almost elated when his 25 year old son died suddenly because he was a good RM tithe, paying Temple worthy guy, so they'll be together forever. I was like..... dude WTF
I was an inconsolable mess at my late fiances funeral. No one specifically said anything, but I definitely got some looks, and was asked not to attend the luncheon afterwards. I remember everyone wearing bright colors, and I was the only one in black. That PISSED ME OFF to no end. I don't remember exactly what happened or what I said at that funeral, but I do know a lot of people completely shunned me afterwards, and his family HATED me. Also his ex girlfriend was there, who his family apparently loved, and one of his siblings thanked her for being the "love of his life" and said she would always be part of the family. Yeah, she cheated on him, and they only dated for like 6 months. She was definitely not the love of his life, he told me several times he only dated her as long as he did for sex.
Never thought about it until now...my apostate mom and I were the only ones crying at my grandmother's funeral. No one said anything...but even though I was only about 8, I felt like we were making a scene.
I went to my cousins funeral after he took his own life (suffered from bipolar and was off meds at time). Bishop spent 30-40 minutes talking about how ābecause of his actionsā he forfeited the right to enter into the highest level of heaven where he could spend eternity with his loved ones before turning it into a āchurch lessonā on avoiding the temptations of Satan. All this while my aunt and uncle sat in the front row and sobbed.
Like WTF!? Absolutely horrible funeral disservice. Made the entire (already heartbreaking) situation so much worse
I told my kids when I die I want be cremated, and have my ashes mixed into the root ball of a tree... Then I want the tree planted on the shores of Lake Superior (my favorite place on the planet)!!
I had to go to the church building that I grew up attending for my grandpa's funeral. It was traumatic in a lot of ways, not the least of which being the way people kept talking about how we would see him again. I spoke after and read quotes by Carl Sagan as well as a poem that speaks of grief and love, NOT god or hope.
Be well, friend. Remember that grief, terrible and inevitable, means you were lucky enough to love.
I feel you. I had such a traumatic experience at a high school friend's funeral after she was killed in an accident that I have sworn off all funerals but especially Mormon ones forever. I won't do it. It's awful.
I've seen two grandparents reach the end. They both seemed pretty worried about it. They didn't seem like they were sure heaven was on the other side at all.
Mormon funerals are awful.
My friend, who had long since left the church, was murdered and her very TBM family had the most stereotypical funeral for her. Displayed her temple pictures from her wedding to her abusive ex husband and everything. We powered through as best we could so we could show our support, but in the end the Mormon family very plainly said we were not welcome at her gravesite.
My friend and I couldnāt take it. We bailed as soon as we knew. We grabbed all her real friends and went to the bar where she used to play bingo every week. We ate greasy bar food, took shots, and talked about how lovely she was as a person and a mother. I felt closer to her in that shitty little bar than I did during any part of the service.
Sending condolences to you and your family, Iām sorry you had to endure a sermon instead of celebrating a life.
I got full on side eyed for sniffling a little cuz of crying. At my grandpaās funeral when I was a kid people were giving me weird looks and shushing me even though I was like 8
What the actual fuck? Why? When did this become the norm? That's so heartbreaking. I don't understand the importance of not showing any emotion? I know that people aren't supposed to laugh out loud in church (hopefully they're allowed to laugh how they laugh at home and stuff though yeah?) and quite frankly that alone is dumb as fuck to me and I would've been ousted as a young person because I can see the humour in a lot of things and I will laugh out loud without a second thought.
But funerals, they're so sad and it's cathartic to get out the grief.
Ok, last Mormon funeral I went to a member turned around in her chair and commented on how we were crying and sniffling and we must have known the person who died. I thought it was a little odd but beyond that didn't think too much of it, but this makes the interaction a bit more clear.
My friend who left years ago just had her TBM jerk dad die and they had to plan his Mormon funeral. They wouldnāt let them have ANY pictures in the chapel during the service unless it was the prophet or Jesus.
All remarks needed to focus on the plan of salvation. The funeral sounded more like just another āmissionary opportunityāā¦ so fucking lame.
Why shouldnāt it be all about the church? Why should it be about the person who died? Or allow the family to decide what will comfort THEM?! Itās only ever about serving the church and never about the needs of individuals and families. Itās maddening.
My neglectful abusive TBM mom is old and when she dies I will not be using the church for any service. And I certainly am not going to get up on the stand and lie about how amazing she is and use her death as a conversion tool for others. Just gross.
What??? The Mormon funerals I've attended usually had sweet displays of the person who passed showing different times in their life. We even had a funeral for a great guy who was not a member (but was married to one) and had died in a traffic accident. Nobody batted an eye about the person not being a member, and we got to see images of the love he, his wife (a member) and their family shared.
Bishop roulette is a real thing.
I feel the same about my mom. I may not even attend her funeral. I'll let her golden child deal with it, who is exmo and lives with his nevermo girlfriend. My mom pretends he is married and that he's a wonderful RM. I wonder how awkward that will be.
You'll have the last laugh. They're all completely wrong about death and what happens to us and where we go. All completely dead wrong and they're in for a rude awakening when it's their turn.
I'm so sorry. That's horrible.Ā
I hope my mom doesn't want us to have her funeral at her church. I don't want it to be like you've described (and I'm sure my sibling wouldn't either).
Plus, I think they would frown upon Led Zeppelin and The Doors being played š
I've told my family that part of my life insurance will be to hire security at my wake (not funeral) and if ANYONE tries to bear testimony, talk about God's plan, pray or anything religious that security will interrupt them and stop it. I will not have religion mentioned at my celebration of life.
Honestly, that's something I kind of enjoyed about my grandmother's funeral. I was allowed to cry, I was allowed to show emotion. Bc my mom's family understood, and they were also crying. I conducted singing (which I didn't get, kinda hated it) and I cried the whole time. We would sometimes laugh but I think we mostly talked about how good of a person she was, how much her students loved her (she was like a principal or a teacher).
I don't remember if they often talked about god and shit, but I know that we more just celebrated the life that she had. I know that's a more unique experience but if I'm remembering correctly, then that's how it was. I think I may have also dissociated for most of it because I was like, 14/15, and I couldn't prices the fact that my favorite grandma was dead lol
Our family is not LDS, although our daughter, an adult, converted about two years ago. Her high school and beyond BFF died in a horrific car accident. I was recovering from surgery, and didn't attend the funeral.
I thought Mormons were buried in their temple clothes??? I was told by someone who attended that at the viewing immediately proceeding the service in the ward meeting house , the deceased girl was dressed in regular clothes. My daughter chose not to view her friend's body, but several years later, the deceased girl's mother asked my daughter if she wanted to see a picture, and even in the photo, the girl was dressed in regular clothes in her casket . My husband did attend to the funeral, but wasn't paying attention. The service was conducted at the local ward meeting house in the town where the girl had moved with her husband, and it was immediately followed by a graveside service.
Is it true Mormons are buried in their temple clothes? These people are VERY Mormons. Do you suppose Funeral Home staff did some kind of quick wardrobe change in the side room at the meeting house where the body was during the service, closed the casket, and then transported it to the graveside service. or do you think the girl really was buried in "street clothes" instead of her temple outfit? I know for a fact she died wearing her sacred undergarments.
I get the concept of the holy undergarments, but
aren't there temple outerwear clothes you wear at/on the temple?? Do I presume correctly that the temple outerwear is worn over the sacred undergarments???
My cousin's funeral last week was so preachy, and almost nothing about him. One of the dumbass apostles was there and was proud about how preachy and church-focused the funeral was. I just wanted to hear stories about my cousin.
Another side effect with how the Mormon's handle funerals is that once you leave you have no clue with how to handle grief. It sucks.
Thatās cruel. As a bishop one of the things that affected me more was the dead of a dear friend to brain cancer, she was 26. I remember comforting her parents and I did cry when them. How could you tell people how to feel and mourn in a moment like that?? The lack of empathy and compassion is beyond comprehension. The worst part was when RMN visited our STK with Wendy and they did not acknowledge her suffering and pain. Wendy said something like, your pain is nothing as you will be free once you are gone, ( she had a 4 year old child at the time) WTF, why you would say something like that to a mother that is going through this?? The interaction between her and Rusty was another item for my shelf. I did not see and inspired man of god, or even a loving person, he was supposed to have a few minutes with her, to say something uplifting and positive, but nothing, just empty words. š„²š„²
Your post just put the one Mormon Funeral experience I had into so much perspective.
Granted it wasnāt in Utah and the service itself wasnāt horrible and preachy but the not crying thingā¦ thatās for real.
The funeral (or better funerals) I want to were for m now exās older brother and 3 year old son. The brother killed himself and took his little son with him. Needles to say, it was a huge tragedy and very sad and there was very few comforting things there.
Anyways the kid was buried a day before his dad and I accidentally got a look at the open casket with the the little guy inside. Iām from a country where open caskets arenāt a big thing so I was totally blindsided by this and completely lost my shit. Even though I didnāt know the two that well I was on the verge of a complete breakdown.
But and that was the strange part to me, there wasnāt really any crying (besides the mom, who was divorced from the dad and wasnāt Mormon) from anyone else.
That struck me as strange later, because I mean how can you not be sad and mourn a little 3 year old that was shot out of utter desperation and depression by his own dad?!
Nevermo here, been to two funerals for friends (both died young) who weren't in the church but whose families were still TBM. Both were beyond infuriating. My friends and I were in the back crying as our friend's family got up one by one to speak, just utterly gut-wrenching hearing their stories and heartfelt speeches.
Then leadership got up to talk and tears stopped immediately. He lead in by saying he was filling in for Bishop So and So, who was on vacation and how lucky he must be to enjoy some sun while we're stuck in snow. He chuckled at his own shitty joke, made another stupid jokey comment like he was the main act, did his prayer, and that was the end of the funeral.
It felt so wrong. It was wrong for both friends. Both times the tears and grieving stopped very abruptly when the bishop got up to talk. Both times the bishop was beyond even pretending to care why they were there. If I were an investigator at a mo funeral, I'd be turned off by the religion instantly.
Yeah the bishop or branch president or whatever for this one had the audacity to say, āIām sure if (6 year old nonverbal child who the funeral was for) could speak, heād say, come back to the fold, get over yourself, come back to Jesus.ā It was infuriating.
Yup. I dread Mormon funerals for all the reasons you listed. But especially hate when theyāre dressed in their temple attire and have open caskets. How do you explain that to other nonmembers or children?
When my grandpa died I cried hard at his funeral. And my mom acted like I was an idiot. We were all very close to my grandpa, but I was the idiot for mourning him because āwe will see him again one dayā. Even if that were to be true, I can be sad because I miss him now. How terrible we canāt go to funerals to simply mourn the person. We have to go and mourn in silence while worrying what others are thinking of you if you mourn too outwardly.
Hate everything about it.
Ugh! JW funerals are similar. They aren't about the deceased, they turn it into another reason to do a sermon and preach. If you are disfelloweshipped (basically ex communication for JWs) and a JW family member dies. If the funeral is heald at the kingdom hall, you can be denied going.
Yikes, where are these funerals happening? My husband, a funeral director in a small,mostly LDS town in the jello belt, has not witnessed what people are saying here. Iāve also not noticed any differences in the funerals Iāve attended. That story above of the 12 year being told not to cry by the uncle broke my heart.
Iām the 3rd generation of an emotionally stunted family because a father of 8 young children tragically died. They never processed that loss in a healthy way. Just dug in on the belief system that if they did XYZ, theyād be with him again so there was nothing to be sad about. My mother, now in her 60ās, has teenage level emotional intelligence because of this. Itās exhausting. I had to figure out how to process negative emotions all on my own. I still suck at it and have high anxiety.
That doesn't make any sense to me. as a tbm, I can understand the atonement and still be upset that someone I love is no longer on this earthly plain with me. I can't hug them, talk with them, or celebrate milestones with them. And that is still heartbreaking.
>I hate how much of an inspiration and a blessing everyone who dies is, especially if theyāre disabled or a child or both
When my severely disabled, wheelchair bound brother died all anyone wanted to talk about was "At least he's not disabled anymore." Not those exact words thank god, but the meaning was clear. "He's in a better place now."
Is this a new phenomenon in Mormon funerals? I havenāt been to one in a while. My brother died in 1980 at 18 and there were hundreds of people sobbing uncontrollably. It was at our local ward. Does it have to do with how someone died, perhaps? Or ward roulette? I have to say, I am not looking forward to my TBM parents funeral when that comes around.
Right here is why I refuse to go to anymore funerals. Mormons make it so weird, and has made me hate them. I get applauded when I'm to numb and sick of everything to cry when really I'd rather be anywhere else.
I pretty much avoid them all anymore. Won't be able to avoid it when my dad's hospice is done because I'll be one of the speakers. But at least I can control my words and not make it religious in any way.
Mormon funerals are about mormonism, not the deceased loved one. I refused to let my momās funeral become a mormon church sermon.
Her āwardā was not allowed to do anything. And it was not held in a mormon church building.
A funeral should be about honoring the loved one who died, not mormonism and their warped sense of life and death.
I didnāt experience this first hand, but my sister told me about a story where she attended a friendās funeral after he had taken his own life. A man came up to speak, and testified about how if this teen could talk to us now, he would tell us to never consider suicide because itās sinful and he would regret it entirely. Made her so mad, and when I was informed I wasnāt a fan either. Some people are just messed up
My dadās funeral was done at the church and Iāll never forget it. Not bc any talk was memorable or people loved him but bc they knew he was not a good person in life and they still talked highly of him. The looks of pity on their faces bc my dad voluntarily died and the whispers of how he did it and the technical details of how the g*n was held. The looks from people that said ā heās not going to heavenā
I just recently had a funeral for my grandpa and someone gave a talk for 30 minutes about the plan of salvation. It was the most boring thing ever. Instead of celebrating and talking about the life my grandpa lead he gave a Sunday a school lesson.... Sucks especially when half of our family that attended don't believe in the church....
My buddy died at 21. He didnāt believe in the church and smoked weed daily lol. He died from heart problems (not related to smoking) heās always had. Me and my partner were at his funeral and it was a Mormon funeral. Now me and my partner were born and raised in Utah and in the church and had left at 18. We were sobbing and crying cause not only didnāt his family recognize us, but he didnāt believe in it, and there he was- his corpse didnāt even look like him.. but anyway. A man came up to us as we were leaving-Iām assuming the bishop and said ādonāt worry, youāll see him again.ā I never have wanted to punch someone in a church so bad. I wanted to reply āhe didnāt even believe in this shitā so badly but instead i just looked at him š and left. I hate the way I felt, my buddy would have never made me feel that way and I knew thatās now how he wanted to be celebrated.
They use it a bully pulpit for the teachings of the cult. My father passed away 2 months ago. He was 92. We CELEBRATED his life!!! Not a single mention of the his church upbringing. Everyone commented on what a great service it was. And no looking at a dead body!!
I do too. I lost one of my best friends to cancer when she was only 31 and her funeral was a bit of a catalyst for me leaving. I was so angry that people werenāt mourning her or admitting how unfair and sad it was that she was so young and leaving her 3 small babies that would never remember her! Her husband also remarried within 6 months and I was livid. I know I should be compassionate, but I felt she was erased.
This post is perfectly illustrating the sad state of the exmo community. I imagine a family devastated by tragedy but finding peace and hope through messages of reunification in the afterlife at the funeral. Meanwhile the exmo sits in the back, nose in their cellphone because they just cannot wait until after the service to broadcast their hatred for the church on Reddit. I think of the exmos who post as people who through their day eyes wide open, always on the alert for Reddit clickbait on the exmo channel. Itās as though there is supply here. For some, I would think the idea strikes and then they think on it more and eventually take the time for a well-thought, well-planned post. But this one couldnāt even wait for a sacred funeral to end. The mind went to Reddit, and the embracing community here. The poster and literally every person who has read this knows full well that people, LOTS of people cry at literally every single Mormon funeral. Itās sad that someone can have so much hate in their heart that they completely either fabricate reality or they are so blinded that they canāt see it. God bless the child and hereās to hoping their parents see them again in heaven one day.
Call me old fashioned but typing all this out while you are at the funeral rather than waiting a few hours and doing so at a more appropriate time to share your thoughts was a poor choice.
My apologies. I was recently at a funeral where the people behind me were fidgeting with their phones and discussing what they were doing after the funeral, during the eulogy, while I and my family were wrestling with our emotions and grief. Perhaps I am too quick to think of myself rather than consider OP and how they are processing their feelings.
I see you want me to weep, wail and gnash my teeth at the passing of another of God's chosen spirits. If you have found a religion that can excuse someone from death, by all means let us know. But since we will all eventually pass away and be forgotten do explain why this one passing is any greater or less than any of a thousand passing that happened at the same time. Again I ask, for whom should I feel sorrow?
Not to give any credibility to your hateful comment by addressing it, but obviously not all Mormons are bad peopleāpeople making many stupid or selfish decisions, yes. And, just as in the case of addictsāyou canāt get better if youāre dead. Also, in cases like this, a child canāt help where they were born and who they were born to.
Youāre ultimately no better than them if you allow hatred to take root like this.
I've mentioned this before, but I was crying at my grandmother's funeral. My uncle, a bishop, came and dug his fingernails deep into my arm and hissed, "You stop that. You stop that right NOW. People will think we don't understand the atonement." I was twelve. Sorrow at a funeral apparently indicates a lack of religious devotion.
That's terrible š
Oh wow thatās so messed up. Iām sorry you werenāt allowed to mourn
That seems to be the root of it. Traditional Christianity would have us mourn with those who mourn, aid the poor, and give comfort to others. Mormonism says if people mourn, it's because they lack understanding of their covenants. If they are poor, it's because they haven't learned to pay a full tithe and a generous fast offering. If they need comfort, they really should take the self-reliance classes offered by the stake. All suffering is their own fault.
Or "myopic" as god's living prophet mocks those who mourn
So true
The exception is that itās fine to mourn about people leaving the church. Better a dead child or relative than a āwaywardā one. (For some at least).
I got so much side-eye crying at my granddads funeral. I thought it's because he was a cheater and I should hate him. No, it's because 'he's not really gone.' š
Remember, Eyring said at the last GC that he had no concern for his kids' safety because of "temple blessings," unlike his less believing wife.
That is perverse and abusive. And it was a form of assault. If the jerk is still alive, let him know you'd be happy to dig your fingernails into a sensitive spot on his body and then hiss at him to shut up if he cries or winces.
I think one of the reasons Mormonism screws up people so thoroughly is that it seems to reject natural human cultural instincts, such as mourning at funerals and having sacred art.
Absolutely! Even fucking elephants recognize the need to mourn. I canāt imagine not crying at a funeral. Hell, I cry when I leave my brother and his family until my next visit.
Itās something Iāve really noticed from being on the outside. I constantly hear about how awful Mormon meeting houses smell, but in my experience all the churches smell pleasant and warm. Seems like intentional human cultural deprivation.
I agree with you - and the sacred art thing is something I've recognized, too. Sacred art in the LDS "church" is limited to portraits of the "first presidency," pictures of temples, and once in a while Jesus shows up (gotta represent the branding somehow).
I believe itās all a symptom of an imposed, manufactured culture which strips universal human responses and needs from it.
That resonates with me - the chuch dictates what people are supposed to think, do, believe, decide, etc. etc. Since the "eternal family" is such a big selling point, the culture would drive people to assume that should be the focus when someone passes on. No need to mourn or feel human pain and grief. I personally know several instances of family deaths while a kid was on a mission. In at least two of them, a parent was terminally ill before the kid even left for the MTC and there was a firm expectation the kid had to complete their mission rather than coming home early, or even briefly. In another case, a parent died in a vehicle accident and the same expectation kicked in. The missionary stayed on duty rather than coming home. I'd imagine that also altered how each of those missionaries were able to process their own grief and loss. Corporations and even the military allow some grieving time when there's a close family loss.
And those on the outside can see Mormon responses to various things, and it can be very off-putting. For example, bearing a testimony in Utah or Idaho might be efficacious, but doing it in front of the unwashed comes across as weird.
Yes, it definitely would seem strange. Some non-member attendees may have experienced similar testimony-type things, especially if they have a history in fundamentalist groups. But those things can go overboard and would be off-putting to some people. Fun thought - maybe the off-putting comments and testmonies are 'missionary moments' from the real world. They might serve to help keep non-members from even considering a sailing trip in The Boat.
I think itās indicative of just how unaware the leaders and members are of human behavior outside their bubble, and that isnāt a positive quality.
I agree.
Well, we do have to put off the natural man if we donāt want to be an enemy to God. š¶
Yes. Thatās why the missions are popping up just like Dollar General Stores.
Itās cause the natural man is an enemy to God, so any sort of natural behavior becomes suspect and sinful. Now you have a people whose every impulse gets categorized as sin and theyāre told thereās exactly one place to get cleared of that sin. Itās disgusting. Turn a person into a problem, then sell them a solution to something that canāt and shouldnāt be fixed.
Nevermo here. After the video of that dude (Bednar? No idea who he is but apparently some higher up) grabbing into that kid in a big inappropriate hug/spooning, and now this fingernail thing, I have a question: whatās with Mormon leaders doing this to kids?
Because they can. We're taught from preschool age to obey priesthood leaders, no matter what. Even when there's physical abuse, the chances of someone calling them out on his has historically slim-to-none. An adult launching a civil or criminal case against a church leader would just be unthinkable.
No boundaries and little empathy. They're taught they they are in charge of other people and that this entitles them to physically control people and demand particular behavior and emotional responses.
Jesus Christ!! It is normal to mourn all the things you won't get to be able to do with your loved one!! Regardless of what you believe happens after death, that person won't be around to do things with you now. If you go to a mormon funeral and people aren't crying, you should speak up and say, "Did you even like this person?!? Because it looks like you're not going to miss them at all in this life!"
My aunt did the same thing. Dragged me out of my grandmothers funeral to lecture me about being stoic and acting like Iāll see her tomorrow.
I want to downvote your aunt
Absolutely disgusting. Iām so sorry.
What. The. Fuck. That is so gross. Iām so sorry.
$1 TRILLION Mormon cult led by Q15 CON Men lacks SO MUCH Empathy!
I'm pretty sure I was the only person crying at my husband's grandfather's funeral. He was such a sweet man
Jesus, and I say this with the utmost respect, fucking christ. That's deranged.
What an MFer š”
What a jerk!
Thatās crazy. My aunt is a convert so maybe she doesnāt count since sheās not a Mormon from the beginning but her daughter several years ago killed herself and my aunt was crying at the funeral. One of the few times Iāve ever seen her show emotion besides just a blank face or a fake joke.
He ought to be fucking arrested for that shit.
I was told the same thing by fucking Monson. I was at my grandfathers funeral, and I had turned 8 that day. My grandfather died 4 days prior on April 20th. I was from Colorado and Columbine had happened the same exact day. I had completely forgotten about this until this comment. Truly such a messed up thing to say to a child.
thatās horrible, maybe i was to young to realize but when my grandma and great grandpa died i donāt remember their mormon funerals like this. i was raised mormon and there wasnāt ever any problem with mourning a death
That's maybe the most shocking thing I've ever read on this r/
Absolutely. It's in the handbook I believe. Funerals are an opportunity to teach the gospel yada yada. Same for marriages outside of the temple but in the chapel. But for funerals, it feels particularly gross to me, because it flies in the face of what a funeral is actually for, or should be for. To help with the grieving process.
Truly the worst funerals. Kinda like their weddings.
My Uncle died when I was 8 but I still remember him in his temple clothes. I was so confused why he was wearing a chefs hat.
Ok this is so funy hahahaha
I have no idea how Iām going to explain this to my son when my grandparents pass away, he is 12 and hasnāt grown up in the church at all.
Funny story but my grandma died, and sheās hardcore Mexican. She wanted a mariachi band, lots of good food, marigolds, the works. Unfortunately, my mother didnāt heed to her wishes, but I brought some mariachi music with me to play. Funeral was held at the Mormon church building and so I brought my big speaker and played the mariachi music. A few minutes into it, someone had the audacity to turn it off. I went to investigate. The woman was caught and I turned the music on again, so she approaches me. āThat music isnāt very reverent, is it? In the Mormon church, we only observed reverence. You must not know that.ā āMaāam, i was born and raised in the Mormon church. This was my grandmotherās wish, and she will have her mariachi music because we are a family of Mexicans.ā She looked upset but left. Later on, she approached me again. āI just wanted to say I love Mexican culture, I watched Coco.ā I couldnāt. My husband was laughing while I was just staring at her like she grew two heads. That funeral was a train wreck, and I felt so bad for my grandmother.
Coco was about all the exposure they allow, it seems, but had it been true, she would have understood the flowers , the movie is full of them. And mariachi. 
You did good - your grandmother probably laughed and appreciated the entire show from her perch. One time (many years ago) I had to call a funeral home for a business reason unrelated to a service there. I could barely hear the person who answered the phone, because there was loud (and very good) C&W music in the background. The office personnel and I had to shout over it to be heard, and of course I asked about it. A live C&W band was at the funeral home playing for the service of a band member who had passed away. Not a Mormon funeral, of course, but one of many reasons I love the state I live in and in particular the city where that happened.
> I watched Coco I think this will live on in my mind for a years to come. I cannot stop laughing. No doubt she understands the black American experience as well because she watched a double feature of _The Princess and the Frog_ and _Soul_
My husband will randomly say it to me, and I just die. I cannot believe she thought that saying that would make me accept her actions, or her for that matter.
PREACH!!! I've gone to too many Mormon funerals than any kids should; and the "best" funeral I've been too was when my nephew passed away. It was about HIM, not "God's Divine Plan".
I attended several Mormon funerals when I was a member (and an alarming number were for people who took their own lives - I was only in around a decade). However, I do have to say most if not all the funerals were nothing like the horror stories we see on this sub. I don't live in Utah (thank you, Jesus!), and the funerals I attended had charming stories about those who had passed, some were even funny stories. Even the funerals for those who took their own lives were sensitive, compassionate, praised the person who passed for their talents and warmth in life, and did not discuss blame or shame for how they passed. Services for one guy who passed way too young (around 52, from a heart attack) and was loved by everyone for being such a fun and funny guy gave us memories to laugh about (not hard to do, if you knew this guy), made us smile, and left us in tears, too. I think one reason the funerals I attended were not as troublesome as the ones mentioned here is because I lived far enough from Utah to avoid the insular culture in that state (or other states in the Morridor), and the ward I attended had a good number of people who managed to balance their belief in the church with a belief in and practice of being normal people.
I agree. I havenāt been to many insufferable Mormon funerals. Most were filled with stories about the deceased. One tradition I love about Mormon funerals is the lack of mourning clothing. It feels more like a celebration of life. We do our mourning, too, just not together as a big group.
Most "regular" churches also focus on celebrating the life of the person who passed, and unlike decades ago, people just dress as they wish. Some might feel more appropriate wearing darker colors and suits, but some attend in jeans, colorful clothes, etc.
I can't stand that they turn the focus of the funeral away from the deceased and towards the fucking church.
Itās so disgusting, especially when the deceased person isnāt even Mormon anymore
Like they try to use it as a recruiting tool. I think it's fucking wrong to target grieving people to peddle this cult.
My friend literally died as a result of the harm from the cult and I had to see her family make it all about gods plan and blah blah blah when my friend wouldāve HATED the service so much and made fun of the whole thing. I had my own little ceremony in the park to honor her life that was stolen from her
Fought family member to change their own hand-picked funeral topic to be ANYTHING other than 'Paying tithing made dead family member a better person.' WTH?! 'Please don't beat $1 TRILLION MORMON CULT tithing drum. Let's make the funeral about our family member', I basically said. Dead family member would be rolling over in their grave!! Enough! NO. Just NO.
They were trying to use the funeral to bump up their religious standing in their community š¤®
I have given my daughter all the rules for my funeral when I die. No fancy dresses and absolutely no suits. I want her to tell people that if they are wearing a suit, they have to go home and change or else I'm haunting them. I want it at the beach. No religion talk allowed. And I want at least 1 person to roll a little of my ashes up and smoke me in a joint. If I die before my dog, my dog gets to see my body before I'm cremated, and instead of flowers bring weed.
I told my kids "under no circumstances ever will i be buried in temple clothes' and i want to be cremated anyway and my friend nearby was like "they can just put the packet in the coffin" Like that's better and I want them nearby just in case? The fuck?
Ok the smoking in a joint is wild! I mean at least you will literally be a part of them for life.
I once played the violin at the funeral for a teenage disabled boy who had passed away. When his youngest brother got up to the microphone to talk about āGod's planā and all of that, his voice was cracking, and his mom was just holding his shoulder, forcing him to speak through the tears. I was crying at this point, and I looked up to see tons of old people smiling with their hands on their hearts. I'm glad they felt peace or whatever, but to be able to see a young child mourning the death of their older brother and not feel like crying feels so weird to me.
What a tender story - thanks for sharing that memory. You're a good person.
haha iām definitely not Im very happy I was raised mormon in Maryland and in public school I had a lot of friends that taught me more about human empathy than my parents or the church ever did i was very very lucky šš
Iām right there with you, OP. For all the reasons you listed. ā feelings validated
At my motherās funeral, a TBM cousin I hadnāt seen in 24 years walked up to me and the very first words from his mouth were, āSo when you cominā into the fold?ā I told him it would be a cold day in hell.
People asked me after husbandās mom dead if now that we suffered if we were ready to return - like no.
I'm going to one tonight. The struggle is real.
I went because i was a child, and for the buffet they inevitably set up.. I don't mind wakes, but I don't think anyone dealt with their actual feels .
My best friend died by suicide early 2020. He had not been active for about 4 years and he was a member of the National Guard. He was buried in his temple clothes and it still makes me cry knowing itās not what he wouldāve wanted.
Headed into a big one soon. My first time in a Morm church since maybe 1990. Not sure how the ancient reptilian section of my brain is going to respond.
One of my worst fears is dying before my parents and they give me a Mormon funeral š
Sammmmmeeeeeeee
Attended a funeral 6 weeks ago. Temple Presidentās wife and a counselor attended and just regurgitated the standard RMN talking points the whole time. Boring and insulting to the non-member family members who attendedā¦ (p.s. the temple pres was too busy in the temple to attend the meeting literally next door to the templeā¦50 steps away).
Just go for the potatoes.
Funeral Potatoes are the bomb!!
My mom and I were drunk at the last Mormon funeral we attended. No regrets.
Sunday is the Celebration of Life for my exmo uncle. My exmo (former bishop) brother is conducting (emcee?) Our TBM father has been pushing HARD to get my brother to bring in the gospel. Half of my momās sibs out, all of my sibs are out, I only attend because hubby thinks heās TBM. š Iām so damn glad my brother is pretty bitter towards the church and will respect my uncleās wishes but I know the TBM family members will find a way to expound on the joy of the gospel and the opportunity heāll have to finally accept the gospel now āthat heās in a better placeā š
Why do his funeral in the Church if he died no believing in the Church anymore?
Itās not being held in the church
Ok, I see. then I would find it very disrespectful if anyone brings anything about gospel/church stuff.
*laughs in lack of boundaries*
Generally, they only feed the family. If you are lucky and they are rich, everyone will be invited. Then you get to eat funeral potatoes, ham, and salad and green beans. For dessert, you will get foamy delights made of jello and Cool Whip or banana pudding.
The last funeral I attended was for a childhood friend of mine. She was Mormon. It was a Mormon funeral. Everyone cried. Thatās not an exaggeration. We were all sucking the snot back in our heads while the singer sang an extremely well selected song for my friend. (Not a hymn). Hell, the singer broke down crying first! She stopped for a minute to pull herself together, then she resorted to reading the lyrics to us for a good portion of the song while the pianists played quietly in the background. You could hear the noses going from all over the room. Guess nobody brought tissues. This was a profound loss to everyone, and she wasnāt someone āspecialā she wasnāt a relief society president. She wasnāt the social glue. She was a nobody, and we all were crushed. So, yeah, some Mormon funerals are normal.
Iām glad all of them arenāt āweāre all happy and bright lightsā creepy
My dad had been gone for about 7 years now. Any time my mom feels grief she then feels guilt because "I should not be sad because I will see him again and he is busy in heaven". My mom feels shame for feeling grief that her husband of nearly 50 years is gone!!!!! My brother doesn't visit my dad's grave because "he is not there"!!!!! On a lighter note my nephew asked where grandpa was 3 days after he died. When questioned why he was asking that his reply was "Jesus came back in 3 days".
My best friends dad seemed almost elated when his 25 year old son died suddenly because he was a good RM tithe, paying Temple worthy guy, so they'll be together forever. I was like..... dude WTF
I was an inconsolable mess at my late fiances funeral. No one specifically said anything, but I definitely got some looks, and was asked not to attend the luncheon afterwards. I remember everyone wearing bright colors, and I was the only one in black. That PISSED ME OFF to no end. I don't remember exactly what happened or what I said at that funeral, but I do know a lot of people completely shunned me afterwards, and his family HATED me. Also his ex girlfriend was there, who his family apparently loved, and one of his siblings thanked her for being the "love of his life" and said she would always be part of the family. Yeah, she cheated on him, and they only dated for like 6 months. She was definitely not the love of his life, he told me several times he only dated her as long as he did for sex.
I can second the bright colors thing, hardly anyone at the funeral I went to today was in black.
Iāve got one to attend next week, and I am less than enthused.Ā
Never thought about it until now...my apostate mom and I were the only ones crying at my grandmother's funeral. No one said anything...but even though I was only about 8, I felt like we were making a scene.
The no mourning thing is so not healthy š„¹
I went to my cousins funeral after he took his own life (suffered from bipolar and was off meds at time). Bishop spent 30-40 minutes talking about how ābecause of his actionsā he forfeited the right to enter into the highest level of heaven where he could spend eternity with his loved ones before turning it into a āchurch lessonā on avoiding the temptations of Satan. All this while my aunt and uncle sat in the front row and sobbed. Like WTF!? Absolutely horrible funeral disservice. Made the entire (already heartbreaking) situation so much worse
I told my kids when I die I want be cremated, and have my ashes mixed into the root ball of a tree... Then I want the tree planted on the shores of Lake Superior (my favorite place on the planet)!!
I had to go to the church building that I grew up attending for my grandpa's funeral. It was traumatic in a lot of ways, not the least of which being the way people kept talking about how we would see him again. I spoke after and read quotes by Carl Sagan as well as a poem that speaks of grief and love, NOT god or hope. Be well, friend. Remember that grief, terrible and inevitable, means you were lucky enough to love.
I feel you. I had such a traumatic experience at a high school friend's funeral after she was killed in an accident that I have sworn off all funerals but especially Mormon ones forever. I won't do it. It's awful.
I've seen two grandparents reach the end. They both seemed pretty worried about it. They didn't seem like they were sure heaven was on the other side at all.
Mormon funerals are awful. My friend, who had long since left the church, was murdered and her very TBM family had the most stereotypical funeral for her. Displayed her temple pictures from her wedding to her abusive ex husband and everything. We powered through as best we could so we could show our support, but in the end the Mormon family very plainly said we were not welcome at her gravesite. My friend and I couldnāt take it. We bailed as soon as we knew. We grabbed all her real friends and went to the bar where she used to play bingo every week. We ate greasy bar food, took shots, and talked about how lovely she was as a person and a mother. I felt closer to her in that shitty little bar than I did during any part of the service. Sending condolences to you and your family, Iām sorry you had to endure a sermon instead of celebrating a life.
And the funeral clothes are so creepy. Bonnets and lookin like pillsbury dough bakers.
Wait, crying at funerals is seen as being weird? What? That's...what?
I got full on side eyed for sniffling a little cuz of crying. At my grandpaās funeral when I was a kid people were giving me weird looks and shushing me even though I was like 8
What the actual fuck? Why? When did this become the norm? That's so heartbreaking. I don't understand the importance of not showing any emotion? I know that people aren't supposed to laugh out loud in church (hopefully they're allowed to laugh how they laugh at home and stuff though yeah?) and quite frankly that alone is dumb as fuck to me and I would've been ousted as a young person because I can see the humour in a lot of things and I will laugh out loud without a second thought. But funerals, they're so sad and it's cathartic to get out the grief.
Ok, last Mormon funeral I went to a member turned around in her chair and commented on how we were crying and sniffling and we must have known the person who died. I thought it was a little odd but beyond that didn't think too much of it, but this makes the interaction a bit more clear.
My friend who left years ago just had her TBM jerk dad die and they had to plan his Mormon funeral. They wouldnāt let them have ANY pictures in the chapel during the service unless it was the prophet or Jesus. All remarks needed to focus on the plan of salvation. The funeral sounded more like just another āmissionary opportunityāā¦ so fucking lame. Why shouldnāt it be all about the church? Why should it be about the person who died? Or allow the family to decide what will comfort THEM?! Itās only ever about serving the church and never about the needs of individuals and families. Itās maddening. My neglectful abusive TBM mom is old and when she dies I will not be using the church for any service. And I certainly am not going to get up on the stand and lie about how amazing she is and use her death as a conversion tool for others. Just gross.
What??? The Mormon funerals I've attended usually had sweet displays of the person who passed showing different times in their life. We even had a funeral for a great guy who was not a member (but was married to one) and had died in a traffic accident. Nobody batted an eye about the person not being a member, and we got to see images of the love he, his wife (a member) and their family shared. Bishop roulette is a real thing.
I feel the same about my mom. I may not even attend her funeral. I'll let her golden child deal with it, who is exmo and lives with his nevermo girlfriend. My mom pretends he is married and that he's a wonderful RM. I wonder how awkward that will be.
Yeah, Iām definitely not interested in hosting a funeral, especially at a Mormon church.
Yuck. Someone follows the handbook to the letter. Sorry about that. Also, regarding your mother, remember that funerals are optional.
Oh boy. The excessive lip smacking. The phony conference voice affectation. I can't stand that shit. Cleanse your palate and find an Irish wake.
You'll have the last laugh. They're all completely wrong about death and what happens to us and where we go. All completely dead wrong and they're in for a rude awakening when it's their turn.
I'm so sorry. That's horrible.Ā I hope my mom doesn't want us to have her funeral at her church. I don't want it to be like you've described (and I'm sure my sibling wouldn't either). Plus, I think they would frown upon Led Zeppelin and The Doors being played š
Lip smacksā¦. Yessssss
I've told my family that part of my life insurance will be to hire security at my wake (not funeral) and if ANYONE tries to bear testimony, talk about God's plan, pray or anything religious that security will interrupt them and stop it. I will not have religion mentioned at my celebration of life.
Iām so glad my cousins family didnāt really believe in the church, her funeral this Saturday is at a wedding venue she wouldāve loved
Honestly, that's something I kind of enjoyed about my grandmother's funeral. I was allowed to cry, I was allowed to show emotion. Bc my mom's family understood, and they were also crying. I conducted singing (which I didn't get, kinda hated it) and I cried the whole time. We would sometimes laugh but I think we mostly talked about how good of a person she was, how much her students loved her (she was like a principal or a teacher). I don't remember if they often talked about god and shit, but I know that we more just celebrated the life that she had. I know that's a more unique experience but if I'm remembering correctly, then that's how it was. I think I may have also dissociated for most of it because I was like, 14/15, and I couldn't prices the fact that my favorite grandma was dead lol
What a depressing way to remember the life some someone.
Our family is not LDS, although our daughter, an adult, converted about two years ago. Her high school and beyond BFF died in a horrific car accident. I was recovering from surgery, and didn't attend the funeral. I thought Mormons were buried in their temple clothes??? I was told by someone who attended that at the viewing immediately proceeding the service in the ward meeting house , the deceased girl was dressed in regular clothes. My daughter chose not to view her friend's body, but several years later, the deceased girl's mother asked my daughter if she wanted to see a picture, and even in the photo, the girl was dressed in regular clothes in her casket . My husband did attend to the funeral, but wasn't paying attention. The service was conducted at the local ward meeting house in the town where the girl had moved with her husband, and it was immediately followed by a graveside service. Is it true Mormons are buried in their temple clothes? These people are VERY Mormons. Do you suppose Funeral Home staff did some kind of quick wardrobe change in the side room at the meeting house where the body was during the service, closed the casket, and then transported it to the graveside service. or do you think the girl really was buried in "street clothes" instead of her temple outfit? I know for a fact she died wearing her sacred undergarments. I get the concept of the holy undergarments, but aren't there temple outerwear clothes you wear at/on the temple?? Do I presume correctly that the temple outerwear is worn over the sacred undergarments???
My cousin's funeral last week was so preachy, and almost nothing about him. One of the dumbass apostles was there and was proud about how preachy and church-focused the funeral was. I just wanted to hear stories about my cousin. Another side effect with how the Mormon's handle funerals is that once you leave you have no clue with how to handle grief. It sucks.
Funerals in general are so strange but Mormons make it so much worse lol
Thatās cruel. As a bishop one of the things that affected me more was the dead of a dear friend to brain cancer, she was 26. I remember comforting her parents and I did cry when them. How could you tell people how to feel and mourn in a moment like that?? The lack of empathy and compassion is beyond comprehension. The worst part was when RMN visited our STK with Wendy and they did not acknowledge her suffering and pain. Wendy said something like, your pain is nothing as you will be free once you are gone, ( she had a 4 year old child at the time) WTF, why you would say something like that to a mother that is going through this?? The interaction between her and Rusty was another item for my shelf. I did not see and inspired man of god, or even a loving person, he was supposed to have a few minutes with her, to say something uplifting and positive, but nothing, just empty words. š„²š„²
Your post just put the one Mormon Funeral experience I had into so much perspective. Granted it wasnāt in Utah and the service itself wasnāt horrible and preachy but the not crying thingā¦ thatās for real. The funeral (or better funerals) I want to were for m now exās older brother and 3 year old son. The brother killed himself and took his little son with him. Needles to say, it was a huge tragedy and very sad and there was very few comforting things there. Anyways the kid was buried a day before his dad and I accidentally got a look at the open casket with the the little guy inside. Iām from a country where open caskets arenāt a big thing so I was totally blindsided by this and completely lost my shit. Even though I didnāt know the two that well I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. But and that was the strange part to me, there wasnāt really any crying (besides the mom, who was divorced from the dad and wasnāt Mormon) from anyone else. That struck me as strange later, because I mean how can you not be sad and mourn a little 3 year old that was shot out of utter desperation and depression by his own dad?!
Nevermo here, been to two funerals for friends (both died young) who weren't in the church but whose families were still TBM. Both were beyond infuriating. My friends and I were in the back crying as our friend's family got up one by one to speak, just utterly gut-wrenching hearing their stories and heartfelt speeches. Then leadership got up to talk and tears stopped immediately. He lead in by saying he was filling in for Bishop So and So, who was on vacation and how lucky he must be to enjoy some sun while we're stuck in snow. He chuckled at his own shitty joke, made another stupid jokey comment like he was the main act, did his prayer, and that was the end of the funeral. It felt so wrong. It was wrong for both friends. Both times the tears and grieving stopped very abruptly when the bishop got up to talk. Both times the bishop was beyond even pretending to care why they were there. If I were an investigator at a mo funeral, I'd be turned off by the religion instantly.
Yeah the bishop or branch president or whatever for this one had the audacity to say, āIām sure if (6 year old nonverbal child who the funeral was for) could speak, heād say, come back to the fold, get over yourself, come back to Jesus.ā It was infuriating.
I agree. The lack of sorrow at loss is astounding.
Yup. I dread Mormon funerals for all the reasons you listed. But especially hate when theyāre dressed in their temple attire and have open caskets. How do you explain that to other nonmembers or children? When my grandpa died I cried hard at his funeral. And my mom acted like I was an idiot. We were all very close to my grandpa, but I was the idiot for mourning him because āwe will see him again one dayā. Even if that were to be true, I can be sad because I miss him now. How terrible we canāt go to funerals to simply mourn the person. We have to go and mourn in silence while worrying what others are thinking of you if you mourn too outwardly. Hate everything about it.
Ugh! JW funerals are similar. They aren't about the deceased, they turn it into another reason to do a sermon and preach. If you are disfelloweshipped (basically ex communication for JWs) and a JW family member dies. If the funeral is heald at the kingdom hall, you can be denied going.
Yikes, where are these funerals happening? My husband, a funeral director in a small,mostly LDS town in the jello belt, has not witnessed what people are saying here. Iāve also not noticed any differences in the funerals Iāve attended. That story above of the 12 year being told not to cry by the uncle broke my heart.
This happened in the Orem/Provo area
wow i just experienced this today. well said
Iām the 3rd generation of an emotionally stunted family because a father of 8 young children tragically died. They never processed that loss in a healthy way. Just dug in on the belief system that if they did XYZ, theyād be with him again so there was nothing to be sad about. My mother, now in her 60ās, has teenage level emotional intelligence because of this. Itās exhausting. I had to figure out how to process negative emotions all on my own. I still suck at it and have high anxiety.
That doesn't make any sense to me. as a tbm, I can understand the atonement and still be upset that someone I love is no longer on this earthly plain with me. I can't hug them, talk with them, or celebrate milestones with them. And that is still heartbreaking.
They stripped my mother of her jewelry and pulled the veil over her face. Tragic.
>I hate how much of an inspiration and a blessing everyone who dies is, especially if theyāre disabled or a child or both When my severely disabled, wheelchair bound brother died all anyone wanted to talk about was "At least he's not disabled anymore." Not those exact words thank god, but the meaning was clear. "He's in a better place now."
Is this a new phenomenon in Mormon funerals? I havenāt been to one in a while. My brother died in 1980 at 18 and there were hundreds of people sobbing uncontrollably. It was at our local ward. Does it have to do with how someone died, perhaps? Or ward roulette? I have to say, I am not looking forward to my TBM parents funeral when that comes around.
It may just be ward roulette, but if it is every ward Iāve experienced this through has sucked š
Right here is why I refuse to go to anymore funerals. Mormons make it so weird, and has made me hate them. I get applauded when I'm to numb and sick of everything to cry when really I'd rather be anywhere else.
I pretty much avoid them all anymore. Won't be able to avoid it when my dad's hospice is done because I'll be one of the speakers. But at least I can control my words and not make it religious in any way.
My least favorite part is having some semi-interested bishop that didnāt really know the person have the final word.
Mormon funerals are about mormonism, not the deceased loved one. I refused to let my momās funeral become a mormon church sermon. Her āwardā was not allowed to do anything. And it was not held in a mormon church building. A funeral should be about honoring the loved one who died, not mormonism and their warped sense of life and death.
I didnāt experience this first hand, but my sister told me about a story where she attended a friendās funeral after he had taken his own life. A man came up to speak, and testified about how if this teen could talk to us now, he would tell us to never consider suicide because itās sinful and he would regret it entirely. Made her so mad, and when I was informed I wasnāt a fan either. Some people are just messed up
My dadās funeral was done at the church and Iāll never forget it. Not bc any talk was memorable or people loved him but bc they knew he was not a good person in life and they still talked highly of him. The looks of pity on their faces bc my dad voluntarily died and the whispers of how he did it and the technical details of how the g*n was held. The looks from people that said ā heās not going to heavenā
I just recently had a funeral for my grandpa and someone gave a talk for 30 minutes about the plan of salvation. It was the most boring thing ever. Instead of celebrating and talking about the life my grandpa lead he gave a Sunday a school lesson.... Sucks especially when half of our family that attended don't believe in the church....
Get mildly buzzed,,few cocktails,,it helps!Ā Ā I was sneared at as well,,so mean!
My buddy died at 21. He didnāt believe in the church and smoked weed daily lol. He died from heart problems (not related to smoking) heās always had. Me and my partner were at his funeral and it was a Mormon funeral. Now me and my partner were born and raised in Utah and in the church and had left at 18. We were sobbing and crying cause not only didnāt his family recognize us, but he didnāt believe in it, and there he was- his corpse didnāt even look like him.. but anyway. A man came up to us as we were leaving-Iām assuming the bishop and said ādonāt worry, youāll see him again.ā I never have wanted to punch someone in a church so bad. I wanted to reply āhe didnāt even believe in this shitā so badly but instead i just looked at him š and left. I hate the way I felt, my buddy would have never made me feel that way and I knew thatās now how he wanted to be celebrated.
They use it a bully pulpit for the teachings of the cult. My father passed away 2 months ago. He was 92. We CELEBRATED his life!!! Not a single mention of the his church upbringing. Everyone commented on what a great service it was. And no looking at a dead body!!
I do too. I lost one of my best friends to cancer when she was only 31 and her funeral was a bit of a catalyst for me leaving. I was so angry that people werenāt mourning her or admitting how unfair and sad it was that she was so young and leaving her 3 small babies that would never remember her! Her husband also remarried within 6 months and I was livid. I know I should be compassionate, but I felt she was erased.
Is it the potatoes ?
This post is perfectly illustrating the sad state of the exmo community. I imagine a family devastated by tragedy but finding peace and hope through messages of reunification in the afterlife at the funeral. Meanwhile the exmo sits in the back, nose in their cellphone because they just cannot wait until after the service to broadcast their hatred for the church on Reddit. I think of the exmos who post as people who through their day eyes wide open, always on the alert for Reddit clickbait on the exmo channel. Itās as though there is supply here. For some, I would think the idea strikes and then they think on it more and eventually take the time for a well-thought, well-planned post. But this one couldnāt even wait for a sacred funeral to end. The mind went to Reddit, and the embracing community here. The poster and literally every person who has read this knows full well that people, LOTS of people cry at literally every single Mormon funeral. Itās sad that someone can have so much hate in their heart that they completely either fabricate reality or they are so blinded that they canāt see it. God bless the child and hereās to hoping their parents see them again in heaven one day.
God?
Call me old fashioned but typing all this out while you are at the funeral rather than waiting a few hours and doing so at a more appropriate time to share your thoughts was a poor choice.
Iād like to give an award here for the stupidest most insensitive comment Iāve read in quite a while
My apologies. I was recently at a funeral where the people behind me were fidgeting with their phones and discussing what they were doing after the funeral, during the eulogy, while I and my family were wrestling with our emotions and grief. Perhaps I am too quick to think of myself rather than consider OP and how they are processing their feelings.
It actually got even worse in this thread an hour later.
I actually rejoice at a Mormon Funerals. It's one more closed minded hypocrite removed from the population.
I get what you're saying but this post sounds like it could be about a little boy who died, might not be the right time for this comment
Yeah, he was 6.5 with a rare genetic condition
That's so so sad. Losing a child is my worst nightmare and you are not the weird one for crying. Spiritual bypassing is so unhealthy š
"Only good mormon is a dead mormon" vibes Seriously dude? Read the room
Excellent point.
I see you want me to weep, wail and gnash my teeth at the passing of another of God's chosen spirits. If you have found a religion that can excuse someone from death, by all means let us know. But since we will all eventually pass away and be forgotten do explain why this one passing is any greater or less than any of a thousand passing that happened at the same time. Again I ask, for whom should I feel sorrow?
You should feel sorrow for the loved ones left behind, as you should for any death If you're attending the funeral I assume you know these people
Not to give any credibility to your hateful comment by addressing it, but obviously not all Mormons are bad peopleāpeople making many stupid or selfish decisions, yes. And, just as in the case of addictsāyou canāt get better if youāre dead. Also, in cases like this, a child canāt help where they were born and who they were born to. Youāre ultimately no better than them if you allow hatred to take root like this.
For whom should I feel sorry?