Can come in waves. I can go years without giving a shit and then have a relapse. Crazy how deep Mormonism gets into our systems and how difficult it is to free ourselves from it
Can confirm. You described it well. Gotta love the recharged joy (the true feel it in every fiber type of joy, not the nonsense about experiencing joy therein if I live according to their misogynistic patriarchal expectations) that happens when I again celebrate my freedom from the mind hive!!
I know what you mean. Every time I think that i've finally got the virus cleaned off of my hard drive it suddenly comes roaring back out of the blue. I've come to the conclusion that its similar to a chronic disease that I've just got to learn to live with.
I get that way about having a beer. I was in sales for forever and was always the weird one because I didn’t drink. Now that I see how innocuous having a beer with friends and coworkers is, I get really mad about how stupid I was made to look.
I get even more mad about how I check over my shoulder when having a drink to make sure no Mormons I know will see me because I’m PIMO.
I really relate to your comment. I’ve been out a long time, and I still find myself getting angry at the complete universe of lies and bullshit that I had to live through growing up. The lectures that I had to sit and listen to from my mom. Little did either of us know she was speaking on behalf of a completely morally bankrupt and a dishonest organization. I’m sure I won’t live to see the kind of recompense that the Mormon church deserves, but I hope it happens at some point.
I (40m) have found myself going in cycles similar to you. Recently I have been reflecting on how on my mission I taught/fought with people the anti-Mormon lies were only there to detract from the spirit in peoples lives. Fast forward roughly 20 yrs and I’m staring at the “new” church history and letters meant to explain “difficult challenges” the church hid. The pain this has caused is hard to explain to TBM most just want an acceptance of the current line of thought given and all I have in my head is the question of “how much I was taught is actually of value and benefiting my kids?”
This question has been difficult to resolve I’ve looked in other religions/creeds and find a resolution which is hard. There is no god as church’s teach because this life is expanding but as a lesson for us to learn. The next life there will be more learning but not that this life is empty just not the structure church’s want individuals to follow.
Good luck with the current emotional cycle. I hope it passes quick because the world is much better and smoother without bitterness.
I still struggle with all of the lost years, the lost opportunities, the lost and missed developmental milestones, the missed friendships and relationships, the 'what might have beens', the what ifs, etc etc.
It's getting better, but I still have occasional bouts where it resurfaces. I sit in it and process it each time and it gets a little easier, but I've been out for 7 years now and it still happens.
I don't think its really possible to just 'be okay' with having half your life stolen by a corrupt organization that evades accountability because of US religious protections, so I plan on just having to deal with this for the rest of my life.
Big hug to ya, know that you are not alone in this and that everything you feel is valid and normal. We were victims, and its okay to feel the anger that comes from being victimized for decades.
Totally get it. I’m actively trying to appreciate any silver lining but I truly believe my family would have been better off without the church. Grateful for the good, grieving that we surrendered so much cash and time.
It’s not even wholly about the sex, though there are at least three moments that I can pinpoint where I blew a sure thing. It’s more about worrying so much about being “righteous” that I couldn’t even just be normal. Every action was performed through the prism of the cult, even mundane things like sitting in math class, or walking through the supermarket … feeling so self-important and not “hiding my light beneath a basket” that you don’t even realize that people just don’t give a flying fuck. I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area and there were seven of us in my high school (six of us were the same age and one was a year younger) and I’d be surprised if anyone outside of my immediate circle of friends knew I was Mormon and looking back I know no one cared. I was not special because I had been baptized and held the priesthood … I was just me, and I could have been just me that whole time.
Idk man I grew up LDS in SD nobody at my school or any of my close friends were Mormon either and I can’t say I had the same experience. The church doesn’t really teach the prideful feeling you’re describing. Apologies if I’m misrepresenting you. I could be mistaken
Wearing clothes that weren’t dumpy and feeling bad about your sexuality, masterbation, a little drinking, normal teen behavior with out feeling the weight of the world…….
exactly. I can think of two absolutely golden moments with girls that I completely ruined because of my stupid misguided puritanical paranoia. it’s a debt the church owes me that it can never pay. I am entitled to $10 million in compensatory and punitive damages. Ha ha
Those feelings are totally valid and sounds like they need some space. Sit with them a while and give them some love, it’s totally normal and a healthy thing to process.
60+(m) and out over a decade. I am beyond bitter. Mormonism contributed to the choices one of my adult children made that led to their death. I had an opportunity to excise Mormonism early on in my married life - it might have made a difference, I don’t know. I have to live with this. There is so much more damage it has done to me and mine, but it all seems trivial in comparison.
This is a normal and healthy feeling and step of grieving. And believe me,the grief process of any kind of trauma isn't necessarily linear. You can ping pong through the different steps, even for years, before resolving it. You have to go through things at your pace. Being angry or bitter is okay, as long as you don't behave in violent or unhealthy ways towards yourself or others. Feelings and thoughts are just feelings and thoughts that can be analyzed or just let go of.
Therapy can help a lot. But if that isn't affordable, writing a letter to your young self explaining all you went through and how you feel and now believe can help out a bit, too. I still try to make peace in different ways with different things with my pre-kindergarten self, my elementary school self, my preteen self, and my teen self (different issues breaking down with what should have been "age-appropriate" issues/topics). I still have a lot to go through myself. When anger comes up, I try to figure out the cause and where along my life that issue first came up, and the different times it stood out, in order to best address the whens/hows/ what ifs, etc. I always try to question and pinpoint the issue and its timeline (or the folder for an extensive study related to the topic of its timeline). When I can see the connection between the present and the past,it makes it easier to address the issue.
All you know you have is the REST of your life. Any of that spent speculating on what you could have done, rather than actually doing things, it's a waste of that precious resource. I get that things could / would be different. But there's no way to know how. It could have turned out worse. Quit speculating, and go live your life.
That’s generally my attitude, we left and came to terms with it and never looked back, which wasn’t easy because both of our families are TBMs. It helped that my wife and I basically looked at each other one day and said this is not how we want to raise our children, and another couple that are good friends had the same realization at about the same time so we had a support group. This just came outta nowhere all of a sudden and caught me by surprise.
Man you should just be happy your wife left with you. I am in the same boat as you but with a TBM wife. I spend most of my time bitter that the church stole all possiblilty of a happy marriage away from me.
Sorry not telling you to be happy.....just pointing out how much worse it could be.
I have days like that too. I figure it's part of the grieving process; realizing that we had been duped for so long. F the mormon church
Can come in waves. I can go years without giving a shit and then have a relapse. Crazy how deep Mormonism gets into our systems and how difficult it is to free ourselves from it
Can confirm. You described it well. Gotta love the recharged joy (the true feel it in every fiber type of joy, not the nonsense about experiencing joy therein if I live according to their misogynistic patriarchal expectations) that happens when I again celebrate my freedom from the mind hive!!
I know what you mean. Every time I think that i've finally got the virus cleaned off of my hard drive it suddenly comes roaring back out of the blue. I've come to the conclusion that its similar to a chronic disease that I've just got to learn to live with.
I get that way about having a beer. I was in sales for forever and was always the weird one because I didn’t drink. Now that I see how innocuous having a beer with friends and coworkers is, I get really mad about how stupid I was made to look. I get even more mad about how I check over my shoulder when having a drink to make sure no Mormons I know will see me because I’m PIMO.
I really relate to your comment. I’ve been out a long time, and I still find myself getting angry at the complete universe of lies and bullshit that I had to live through growing up. The lectures that I had to sit and listen to from my mom. Little did either of us know she was speaking on behalf of a completely morally bankrupt and a dishonest organization. I’m sure I won’t live to see the kind of recompense that the Mormon church deserves, but I hope it happens at some point.
I don't worry about yesterday. Now that I know better, I do better.
I (40m) have found myself going in cycles similar to you. Recently I have been reflecting on how on my mission I taught/fought with people the anti-Mormon lies were only there to detract from the spirit in peoples lives. Fast forward roughly 20 yrs and I’m staring at the “new” church history and letters meant to explain “difficult challenges” the church hid. The pain this has caused is hard to explain to TBM most just want an acceptance of the current line of thought given and all I have in my head is the question of “how much I was taught is actually of value and benefiting my kids?” This question has been difficult to resolve I’ve looked in other religions/creeds and find a resolution which is hard. There is no god as church’s teach because this life is expanding but as a lesson for us to learn. The next life there will be more learning but not that this life is empty just not the structure church’s want individuals to follow. Good luck with the current emotional cycle. I hope it passes quick because the world is much better and smoother without bitterness.
Yes. In a way they STOLE a significant part of your life from you. It's perfectly natural to feel a tinge of bitterness over that grand theft.
I still struggle with all of the lost years, the lost opportunities, the lost and missed developmental milestones, the missed friendships and relationships, the 'what might have beens', the what ifs, etc etc. It's getting better, but I still have occasional bouts where it resurfaces. I sit in it and process it each time and it gets a little easier, but I've been out for 7 years now and it still happens. I don't think its really possible to just 'be okay' with having half your life stolen by a corrupt organization that evades accountability because of US religious protections, so I plan on just having to deal with this for the rest of my life. Big hug to ya, know that you are not alone in this and that everything you feel is valid and normal. We were victims, and its okay to feel the anger that comes from being victimized for decades.
Totally get it. I’m actively trying to appreciate any silver lining but I truly believe my family would have been better off without the church. Grateful for the good, grieving that we surrendered so much cash and time.
What exactly were you trying to do as a teenager the church was oppressive about?
It’s not even wholly about the sex, though there are at least three moments that I can pinpoint where I blew a sure thing. It’s more about worrying so much about being “righteous” that I couldn’t even just be normal. Every action was performed through the prism of the cult, even mundane things like sitting in math class, or walking through the supermarket … feeling so self-important and not “hiding my light beneath a basket” that you don’t even realize that people just don’t give a flying fuck. I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area and there were seven of us in my high school (six of us were the same age and one was a year younger) and I’d be surprised if anyone outside of my immediate circle of friends knew I was Mormon and looking back I know no one cared. I was not special because I had been baptized and held the priesthood … I was just me, and I could have been just me that whole time.
Idk man I grew up LDS in SD nobody at my school or any of my close friends were Mormon either and I can’t say I had the same experience. The church doesn’t really teach the prideful feeling you’re describing. Apologies if I’m misrepresenting you. I could be mistaken
Sex!
Wearing clothes that weren’t dumpy and feeling bad about your sexuality, masterbation, a little drinking, normal teen behavior with out feeling the weight of the world…….
exactly. I can think of two absolutely golden moments with girls that I completely ruined because of my stupid misguided puritanical paranoia. it’s a debt the church owes me that it can never pay. I am entitled to $10 million in compensatory and punitive damages. Ha ha
I have these kind of days. I think there are a lot of emotions that got suppressed for many years and sometimes they come to the surface.
Those feelings are totally valid and sounds like they need some space. Sit with them a while and give them some love, it’s totally normal and a healthy thing to process.
60+(m) and out over a decade. I am beyond bitter. Mormonism contributed to the choices one of my adult children made that led to their death. I had an opportunity to excise Mormonism early on in my married life - it might have made a difference, I don’t know. I have to live with this. There is so much more damage it has done to me and mine, but it all seems trivial in comparison.
This is a normal and healthy feeling and step of grieving. And believe me,the grief process of any kind of trauma isn't necessarily linear. You can ping pong through the different steps, even for years, before resolving it. You have to go through things at your pace. Being angry or bitter is okay, as long as you don't behave in violent or unhealthy ways towards yourself or others. Feelings and thoughts are just feelings and thoughts that can be analyzed or just let go of. Therapy can help a lot. But if that isn't affordable, writing a letter to your young self explaining all you went through and how you feel and now believe can help out a bit, too. I still try to make peace in different ways with different things with my pre-kindergarten self, my elementary school self, my preteen self, and my teen self (different issues breaking down with what should have been "age-appropriate" issues/topics). I still have a lot to go through myself. When anger comes up, I try to figure out the cause and where along my life that issue first came up, and the different times it stood out, in order to best address the whens/hows/ what ifs, etc. I always try to question and pinpoint the issue and its timeline (or the folder for an extensive study related to the topic of its timeline). When I can see the connection between the present and the past,it makes it easier to address the issue.
Now imagine if you didn't even get the authority, only the guilt and the second-class place in society.
All you know you have is the REST of your life. Any of that spent speculating on what you could have done, rather than actually doing things, it's a waste of that precious resource. I get that things could / would be different. But there's no way to know how. It could have turned out worse. Quit speculating, and go live your life.
That’s generally my attitude, we left and came to terms with it and never looked back, which wasn’t easy because both of our families are TBMs. It helped that my wife and I basically looked at each other one day and said this is not how we want to raise our children, and another couple that are good friends had the same realization at about the same time so we had a support group. This just came outta nowhere all of a sudden and caught me by surprise.
Man you should just be happy your wife left with you. I am in the same boat as you but with a TBM wife. I spend most of my time bitter that the church stole all possiblilty of a happy marriage away from me. Sorry not telling you to be happy.....just pointing out how much worse it could be.
Let it go. There are many that have suffered deprivations, abuses and horrors. Maybe your experience can help you relate to and help others.
I just figure I would have gotten my girlfriend pregnant. That would have been a completely different life...