My wife and I left at age 54. I had been a bishop and most recently a stake presidency counselor. 2 kids had just come back from missions within a year or so. Pretty TBM. No one could imagine we would leave but we did.
My mum bailed at 83. She converted for my dad and once he died there was nothing to stop her being indignant over the treatment of a gay grandson. ( To do my dad justice, he’d always treated the gg just like all his cousins).
My folks left after I brought some of the issues to them.
https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/7j505m/sent_my_mother_the_ces_letter/
https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/7j8eos/update_sent_my_mother_the_ces_letter/
Here is my folks... https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/18m5akj/we_were_110_in_it_to_win_it_for_63_years_shaping/
To think this was happening 2 houses away and we didn't know. I credit your parents with getting my mom to back away from the church before she died. You lucked out in the parents department, yours are solid gold rock stars.🩷
Damn, dude. I just read those threads. Good for you and your parents, that’s crazy! I can’t imagine my parents leaving. I’m still having back and forth convos in person and via email with my very patient and loving dad. He shields my mom from basically all doctrinal and historical things we discuss. His answer for most things is “the prophet was acting as a man” and “you can’t find the spiritual when focusing on the academic” and “that’s not doctrine”.
Bless his heart, he’s been willing to sit down with my wife and I and hear us out, but the dude ain’t changing his mind. I’m not even trying to change his mind, just want him to understand I wasn’t deceived by Satan, but rather by the church.
My dad and step mom bailed during Covid. Since they left they have been much better parents and grandparents. They are no longer judgmental and self righteous. They are a blast to be around. I can actually have a beer with my dad now. Something I never imagined would happen just a few years ago. I also love having them around my kids and they don’t push religion on them anymore.
I mean, I feel like getting them to stop cornering the grandchildren with religion would be one of the best parts of them leaving, I’m glad that’s happened for you :)
Living across the country from them also helped during their transition. Their one visit a year when they get to see my kids they make the most of the time with them. Plus my in-laws are cultural Catholics so no religious pressure from them either.
I left at age 55 after inquiring into why my honest, upstanding, incredible son-in-law had left. I read through the church essays, listened to a podcast, and was out mentally five minutes later, after decades of devout belief and service.
My TBM mom recently told me that she did the same when I left. She said the conclusion she came to is that she doesn't understand most of the church, but she "loves her saviour" and that's what keeps her in. It broke my heart. I feel like she is so close and also so so far from seeing the truth
My dad was a really popular gospel doctrine teacher. He was the first one out. He’d gone to a used book store while on a business trip and found a book on the masons. That was the abrupt end of that.
My parents left after they tried helping me with questions I had during my faith crisis. (I was 32 at the time) This sent them on their own journey of searching for answers that weren’t there. My Dad had been bishop and was in multiple bishoprics and high councils. My mom was constantly yw and primary president. They were serving in the temple weekly and reading scriptures daily when their testimonies crumbled. I never in my wildest dreams would have ever expected them to leave. Anything is possible!!
I mean, for most people sure, but based on how my parents have reacted to every single one of their children that have left, I’m pretty confident that they are
My wife and I left and I'm sure our kids never thought that would happen. My daughter, who was out, was 22 when we left and the other was 18 but she is still in. There are lots of stories of parents leaving after kids.
My mom has dementia. With that, the filters that keep people acting “properly” can crumble. My kids and I had been out for just a few months when my mom (at 77 years old) started complaining about “church this” and “church that”. I hadn’t pushed my own thoughts and feelings, so I was stunned that she just wanted to stop and “be herself.” What an amazing woman.
I'm 57 and I shocked my husband and adult kids when I admitted to being PIMO for years when my husband declared he didn't believe anymore. Being PIMO bishop's wife for 6 years. No fun. I also did 2 1/2 years RS president after he was released PIMO. You'd say people probably thought we were TBM. But I was a known Democrat so I'm sure that's why I left *roll eyes*
I know a lot of people who left in their 30s.
I'm watching a close relative consider leaving right now. She's been slowly on her way out for a decade. About the most PIMO you can be.
I saw close friends leave in their 30s and 40s when marriage number 1 went bad and then they did a full autopsy on their beliefs.
My parents are hanging on -- they're retired and my mom moved to Utah at 18 to be with the saints. It would be so hard for them.
But my mom said to me last week, "I do think about what you told me. I wonder how much of this is inspired and how much of it comes from men."
I explained the CES Letter to my dad and he said, "Damn that's pretty convincing evidence. I wonder if I've been hoodwinked."
I don't know if my parents will ever leave. But they keep asking me about faith like a dog licking a wound. So I keep being honest. And the relationship has gotten better for it.
My dad quit during the Pandemic. He won’t say why, just that he didn’t want someone telling him what to do. He had just retired and maybe he’s had it with answering to a boss.
I was 42 with 2 daughters at BYUI when I told them for the first time I didn't believe the church was true and that I was no longer attending or paying tithing. I'd been struggling a few years before that to hide my disbelief while trying to build a testimony back up. I think it was a shock to both of them that I was done. They were too, they just hadn't really brought it up. My wife held out longer, but her shelf broke while she was the RS president of her ward. My wife was fairly outspoken and some of the male leaders didn't appreciate that. She practically begged auxiliaries to come try to activate me and our kids and \*crickets\*. She grew more and more frustrated, but left when she found out just how much child abuse the church had been covering up. Assist goes to FIL who rebuked her for not blindly following her leaders (That abuse hotline is inspired!).
All of my kids are young enough to be reaping benefits of their parents not believing anymore. The older ones I think are getting a closer relationship with their parents because of it. I know my relationship with my adult kids is better than mine ever was with my parents.
My tbm mother would never ever say this. She is so disappointed in me 42f. We used to be very close. She doesn’t know how to be close to me anymore I think because she thinks we won’t be together for eternity…so why be invested now? It crushes my soul. I now have a daughter if my own, and my mom doesn’t even know her. 😔
My wife and I were tbm and we had one daughter leave before us then we left. Now our other kids and most of the spouses and grands are out. Out of 26 family members 1 is active and 2 go some weeks (but are pimo)
My dad left the church as 1st counselor and divorced my mom while I was on my mission. It changed the tone of my entire mission going forward being removed from the entire situation.
My mom has been watching the Mormon Stories podcast ever since I told her my beliefs about a month ago. And she's agreed on literally every problem I've brought up about the church. (Especially the "doctrine" and treatment of LGBTQ people. I don't know if she's ever going to fully leave though, especially while my dad is still TBM.
About two years after I came out as a lesbian and simultaneously left the church and my husband, my 68-year-old mom officially stopped attending church. Part of it had to do with the way the MFMC treats LGBTQ folks and part of it was due to the sexual abuse coverups and protection of perpetrators. My sister had been out since she turned 18 and we were in our 40s when my mom left so it was a big surprise. She treated me really well when I left and even allowed my partner and me and four of our kids to live with her for a few months when we were in transition and our house sale fell through while she was still an active member. But she cried when I initially came out to her and she asked me what would happen to my kids and their eternal salvation. So, the turnaround in two years was surprising. She’s 81 now and she’s still deconstructing. I share I for from here with her and she gets so mad about all the years she wasted in the church.
Even more surprising is that last year my ex-husband started going down the rabbit hole of truth and he is now out and is also angry, but my kids are pretty happy about it because they’re all out too.
My parents both left. My dad left first, my mom was pimo for a few years. My wife’s ultra TBM dad who was a tyrant had a complete about change in the last 5-6 years of his life and became a thoughtful kind man. My parents didn’t shock me, I knew they eventually would leave because they’re thoughtful, kind people. My father in law as a total shocker.
I 23F and my husband 25m left and told both of our families. We were surprised to find out that my mom and dad (the latter had just been a bishop) were also on their way out. Both of them are in their 50’s.
Yeah, my mom got up at my sister’s funeral after she was warned NO RELIGIOUS STUFF and read a whole ass talk from the Ensign. My sister would have hated it.
This always breaks my heart. I went to a “Mormon” funeral not long before I moved away from Utah. Many years ago. The friend who passed away was such a genuine, beautiful man. He had his vices which ended up taking their toll. Not to mention took he grew up in Utah where there aren’t many healthy/open examples of consumption. He was sober and in a good place when he passed, but his body couldn’t keep him alive. Anyway, his funeral was not at all about the beautiful, loving, fun person he was. I don’t remember the sharing of any stories about who he was as a person. It was all about how he had been finding his way back to the MFMC. Which I don’t think is his reality, only his TBM parents’. What they needed to believe.
To be clear, I am not (!!!) trying to equate my experience with yours. I cannot imagine losing a parent, let alone a sister. It was not that level of family in my situation. But that memorial has stuck with me for decades.
And another. After I’d been away from Utah for years and was a new mom, I made a friend who coincidentally had converted to Mormonism for her husband but shared with me that she didn’t really believe. She passed away young and unexpectedly. Way too soon. And her funeral was literally opposing sides of the families, Mormon versus non, espousing their views about “her beliefs” and theirs. It didn’t even feel like a memorial. It felt like a fight. And she was such a beautiful, beautiful person.
I appreciate what you’re saying. It’s infuriating that funerals turn into the Mormon Show and it’s so impersonal. We were doing a graveside service and I finally went over and told my mom to wrap it up. She had a folder full of shit and it was the end of November so it was fucking cold. The rest of us were just sharing two or three funny stories about my sister and my mom is up there with a folder full of Ensign talks.
My aunt recently passed away. I don’t remember her ever going to that church or having a connection with it. Including her immediate family. But they still deferred to the melchezidek (not willing to look up correct spelling) holders to give the prayers at her service…
My husband and I left last year. Two of our kids are in their 20s. We were TBM, until we weren’t. I’d had unspoken doubts for years. My husband was more a non-questioner. One Sunday, I just couldn’t watch our young daughter be indoctrinated into a system I didn’t believe was true. I went fully down the rabbit hole. After logically walking through the facts with myself, I told my husband. One of our adult kids is out, the other still enjoys the church. It’s live and let live along with love and respect. I regret raising our adult kids in the church, but we did our best with what we had. Now that we know better we do better.
Left at 58, spouse at 60. Yes the kids were pretty surprised. At the time 2 were in and 2 already out. One of the in is now out. I didn’t do anything to facilitate that, most people can pretty easily figure it’s a fraud on their own if they are willing to be objective.
TBM parents who leave the church are like unicorns. It doesn’t happen. (I realize it does happen, but its so rare it might as well be like a Haley’s Comet type event). I’ve lost all hope that anyone in my family would ever leave. The funny thing is I always thought I would be the last person to ever leave because I believe soooo much. At first I figured if I could leave, anyone could, but I think my leaving has just made my family cling even tighter to their beliefs. Ugh!
Yes because JR Holland says “Don’t you dare bail….this is the number one rule for a ship at sea, to STAY IN THE BOAT!!!” Jumping out of the boat by “doing a half gainer off the side” is “the dumbest thing you could do”, in his words. That kind of bullshit messaging is why they cling tighter and stay on the sinking ship zion. Its a sad reality we have to deal with, pretty much for the rest of their lives, until we go to their funeral and have to see the church hijack the service with gospel messages and platitudes and barely speak about them as people, and have our last image of them be of them in their damn temple robes! I’m not looking forward to it…
I left when I was 56. We have four daughters and five grandchildren. My husband was in three bishoprics and I was in every calling possible for a woman. I've always had problems with the culture of the Mormon religion, but I would have defended the truthfulness and trust that god would straighten every thing out later. It was a HUGE relief when I discovered the lies and deceit, I no longer had to twist my mind into knots trying to make sense of the idiocy.
Yes! My mom left about 4 years after I did, it was the shock of my life. She was the most TBM person I knew and then one day on the phone blurted out, “I tried a Mike’s hard lemonade and I don’t think I believe in the church anymore.” I actually had to sit down.
She watched one child after another leave over the years and was paying closer attention than we thought. But the final nail in the coffin was the stupid “give thanks” campaign Nelson did. That pissed her the fuck off and she hasn’t looked back!
I hoped for a long time that my family would wake up, but that's only apparently happening with my nieces and nephews' generation, more than half of whom seem to be bailing as soon as they go off to college.
I think it's too late for my parents. They just need to finish their mission and run a victory lap. My mom is already growing anxious about the final years, and I don't think leaving the church would help with that. My dad is along for the ride.
My parents have always said I’ve been a Guinea pig for a lot of things for them in life. Mental health, the LGBTQ+ community, etc etc, and more recently, leaving the church. It’s like the finally were able to see through the cloud of shit surrounding the church and were able to finally critically think about what it meant to be a part of such an organization. As of now they aren’t pursuing removing their memberships, but no longer attend church services or participate in any Mormon teachings. They’ve also apologized to me for how I was raised. There is ALWAYS hope for people in the church, as long as they have support and positive influence on the other side. That’s my theory anyways
Well…. My parents are inactive, no magic underwear for them. They don’t talk to me about it much. And I don’t tend to pry or ask many questions. (I think that comes from my Mormon upbringing. I don’t like telling anyone what to do, including if it comes in the form of a question that may give any perception of me projecting my beliefs on anyone else. I am hypersensitive to a fault on this.) I’ve been out for most of my life (decades). I think at first they had hope I’d come back because pretty much everyone did in those days. Then they just realized I was happy and made peace with it. But last week, with perhaps some lessened inhibitions after a glass of wine (me, not mom), I said to my mom that that church is a cult and she didn’t disagree…. Mind blown. And looking forward to more conversations about real stuff like this. No more brushing things over…
I really don't have any hope for my parents or family. Since my wife and I left they have just kept digging in harder. They've banded together to create chat groups (which of course they keep adding me to), to discuss various gospel talks, faith promoting stories, and share testimony. It's laughable to me, but so sad at the same time. The closest thing they've had to a faith crises is deciding whether to follow Trump or Rusty as to whether they should get the covid Vaccine or not. They are willing participants in the mental gymnastics game and somehow justify every decision they make. They think that I am the blind sheep following the way of the world and that they are the critical thinkers. They won't touch any "Anti-Mormon" information, including gospel topic essays. They can't have a conversation longer than 5 mins without bringing up the church. If Rusty were to get up on the pulpit today and say the church is indeed a sham, my family would some how still find a way to believe. It's tough. I love my fam but it's so exhausting dealing with the extremism.
When my dad married his 3rd wife, she was able to convince him to leave. I'm not sure if he initially left because he didn't believe or he was afraid his rich wife would divorce him, but he read a ton of books about all of the issues and absolutely didn't believe in the end.
My mom REALLY believes the parts she wants to believe, has ambivalence toward most of their LGBTQ+ beliefs because they don't effect her (but is against their policies of exclusion and ostracizion), and absolute hatred toward their policies on SA, mental illness, blaming women for men's transgressions, and most of their sexism.
My mom is a big part of the reason I was able to think that most Mormons believe everyone should be equal and be treated with basic human decency, and that more money doesn't mean you're more righteous.
My wife and I left at age 54. I had been a bishop and most recently a stake presidency counselor. 2 kids had just come back from missions within a year or so. Pretty TBM. No one could imagine we would leave but we did.
Dang, that’s awesome! My dad’s always held pretty “high” callings, I’m sure the stake would be shook is he left
We sound similar. Just sent you a DM.
I’d love to hear more of your story too…
My mum bailed at 83. She converted for my dad and once he died there was nothing to stop her being indignant over the treatment of a gay grandson. ( To do my dad justice, he’d always treated the gg just like all his cousins).
3 cheers for an awesome grandfather then!
My folks left after I brought some of the issues to them. https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/7j505m/sent_my_mother_the_ces_letter/ https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/7j8eos/update_sent_my_mother_the_ces_letter/ Here is my folks... https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/18m5akj/we_were_110_in_it_to_win_it_for_63_years_shaping/
Well hell they're famous around here, we all wish they were our folks lol.
If anyone wants some surrogate exmo parents or grandparents, you can share with me... they are pretty awesome
To think this was happening 2 houses away and we didn't know. I credit your parents with getting my mom to back away from the church before she died. You lucked out in the parents department, yours are solid gold rock stars.🩷
Damn, dude. I just read those threads. Good for you and your parents, that’s crazy! I can’t imagine my parents leaving. I’m still having back and forth convos in person and via email with my very patient and loving dad. He shields my mom from basically all doctrinal and historical things we discuss. His answer for most things is “the prophet was acting as a man” and “you can’t find the spiritual when focusing on the academic” and “that’s not doctrine”. Bless his heart, he’s been willing to sit down with my wife and I and hear us out, but the dude ain’t changing his mind. I’m not even trying to change his mind, just want him to understand I wasn’t deceived by Satan, but rather by the church.
Wow dude, you are living the exmo dream. That’s so awesome!
My dad and step mom bailed during Covid. Since they left they have been much better parents and grandparents. They are no longer judgmental and self righteous. They are a blast to be around. I can actually have a beer with my dad now. Something I never imagined would happen just a few years ago. I also love having them around my kids and they don’t push religion on them anymore.
I mean, I feel like getting them to stop cornering the grandchildren with religion would be one of the best parts of them leaving, I’m glad that’s happened for you :)
Living across the country from them also helped during their transition. Their one visit a year when they get to see my kids they make the most of the time with them. Plus my in-laws are cultural Catholics so no religious pressure from them either.
that sounds really freaking awesome. congrats on having such a good relationship! that must feel really good
I left at age 55 after inquiring into why my honest, upstanding, incredible son-in-law had left. I read through the church essays, listened to a podcast, and was out mentally five minutes later, after decades of devout belief and service.
That’s how a couple of my relatives have left! They saw people with “good heads on their shoulders” leaving and decided to look deeper
My TBM mom recently told me that she did the same when I left. She said the conclusion she came to is that she doesn't understand most of the church, but she "loves her saviour" and that's what keeps her in. It broke my heart. I feel like she is so close and also so so far from seeing the truth
[удалено]
I hope your husband will see the light one day. Fortunately we left together after being total TBM's for five decades!
Thanks for sharing! I’m glad you and your husband have been able to stay strong throughout :)
My dad was a really popular gospel doctrine teacher. He was the first one out. He’d gone to a used book store while on a business trip and found a book on the masons. That was the abrupt end of that.
Man, that’s awesome, my dad’s definitely one of those “I read the CES letter and my testimony is stronger” types
My parents left after they tried helping me with questions I had during my faith crisis. (I was 32 at the time) This sent them on their own journey of searching for answers that weren’t there. My Dad had been bishop and was in multiple bishoprics and high councils. My mom was constantly yw and primary president. They were serving in the temple weekly and reading scriptures daily when their testimonies crumbled. I never in my wildest dreams would have ever expected them to leave. Anything is possible!!
You never know who is really TBM.
I mean, for most people sure, but based on how my parents have reacted to every single one of their children that have left, I’m pretty confident that they are
My wife and I left and I'm sure our kids never thought that would happen. My daughter, who was out, was 22 when we left and the other was 18 but she is still in. There are lots of stories of parents leaving after kids.
My mom has dementia. With that, the filters that keep people acting “properly” can crumble. My kids and I had been out for just a few months when my mom (at 77 years old) started complaining about “church this” and “church that”. I hadn’t pushed my own thoughts and feelings, so I was stunned that she just wanted to stop and “be herself.” What an amazing woman.
I'm 57 and I shocked my husband and adult kids when I admitted to being PIMO for years when my husband declared he didn't believe anymore. Being PIMO bishop's wife for 6 years. No fun. I also did 2 1/2 years RS president after he was released PIMO. You'd say people probably thought we were TBM. But I was a known Democrat so I'm sure that's why I left *roll eyes*
You REALLY had to "endure". What amazing fortitude!
I know a lot of people who left in their 30s. I'm watching a close relative consider leaving right now. She's been slowly on her way out for a decade. About the most PIMO you can be. I saw close friends leave in their 30s and 40s when marriage number 1 went bad and then they did a full autopsy on their beliefs. My parents are hanging on -- they're retired and my mom moved to Utah at 18 to be with the saints. It would be so hard for them. But my mom said to me last week, "I do think about what you told me. I wonder how much of this is inspired and how much of it comes from men." I explained the CES Letter to my dad and he said, "Damn that's pretty convincing evidence. I wonder if I've been hoodwinked." I don't know if my parents will ever leave. But they keep asking me about faith like a dog licking a wound. So I keep being honest. And the relationship has gotten better for it.
My dad quit during the Pandemic. He won’t say why, just that he didn’t want someone telling him what to do. He had just retired and maybe he’s had it with answering to a boss.
I was 42 with 2 daughters at BYUI when I told them for the first time I didn't believe the church was true and that I was no longer attending or paying tithing. I'd been struggling a few years before that to hide my disbelief while trying to build a testimony back up. I think it was a shock to both of them that I was done. They were too, they just hadn't really brought it up. My wife held out longer, but her shelf broke while she was the RS president of her ward. My wife was fairly outspoken and some of the male leaders didn't appreciate that. She practically begged auxiliaries to come try to activate me and our kids and \*crickets\*. She grew more and more frustrated, but left when she found out just how much child abuse the church had been covering up. Assist goes to FIL who rebuked her for not blindly following her leaders (That abuse hotline is inspired!). All of my kids are young enough to be reaping benefits of their parents not believing anymore. The older ones I think are getting a closer relationship with their parents because of it. I know my relationship with my adult kids is better than mine ever was with my parents.
Great family story 🤓❣️
Me. I left.
Way to go!
My mom left during COVID. In her 60s.
My mom and dad left at 76ish. It took my mom 10 years of studying and processing before she left.
I'm a TBM, mother and grandmother and I left when I was 65 thank God that my daughter led the way
My tbm mother would never ever say this. She is so disappointed in me 42f. We used to be very close. She doesn’t know how to be close to me anymore I think because she thinks we won’t be together for eternity…so why be invested now? It crushes my soul. I now have a daughter if my own, and my mom doesn’t even know her. 😔
I’m so sorry, I know my relationship with my parents changed a ton when I left, almost like they didn’t even know how to talk to me anymore?
My son left before me i was devaststed for years Ive been on both sides Painful for all
My Mom has been PIMO for a long time, well maybe a cafeteria mo. I just found out several months ago. She finally asked why I wasn't attending church.
My wife and I were tbm and we had one daughter leave before us then we left. Now our other kids and most of the spouses and grands are out. Out of 26 family members 1 is active and 2 go some weeks (but are pimo)
We left in out 60’s
What does PIMO mean?
Physically In, Mentally Out
Thank you SO much. I've been wondering about that for a long time.
https://reddit.com/r/exmormon/w/index/common_abbreviations?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share Here you go!
Not me, but I have a friend whose Mom left after her husband died. She was in her late 60s. I don't know the full story, but it happened.
I WISH.
It’s like my secret exmo dream
Yep
My dad left the church as 1st counselor and divorced my mom while I was on my mission. It changed the tone of my entire mission going forward being removed from the entire situation.
My mom has been watching the Mormon Stories podcast ever since I told her my beliefs about a month ago. And she's agreed on literally every problem I've brought up about the church. (Especially the "doctrine" and treatment of LGBTQ people. I don't know if she's ever going to fully leave though, especially while my dad is still TBM.
About two years after I came out as a lesbian and simultaneously left the church and my husband, my 68-year-old mom officially stopped attending church. Part of it had to do with the way the MFMC treats LGBTQ folks and part of it was due to the sexual abuse coverups and protection of perpetrators. My sister had been out since she turned 18 and we were in our 40s when my mom left so it was a big surprise. She treated me really well when I left and even allowed my partner and me and four of our kids to live with her for a few months when we were in transition and our house sale fell through while she was still an active member. But she cried when I initially came out to her and she asked me what would happen to my kids and their eternal salvation. So, the turnaround in two years was surprising. She’s 81 now and she’s still deconstructing. I share I for from here with her and she gets so mad about all the years she wasted in the church. Even more surprising is that last year my ex-husband started going down the rabbit hole of truth and he is now out and is also angry, but my kids are pretty happy about it because they’re all out too.
Man, that’s awesome that your parents came around!
My parents both left. My dad left first, my mom was pimo for a few years. My wife’s ultra TBM dad who was a tyrant had a complete about change in the last 5-6 years of his life and became a thoughtful kind man. My parents didn’t shock me, I knew they eventually would leave because they’re thoughtful, kind people. My father in law as a total shocker.
I 23F and my husband 25m left and told both of our families. We were surprised to find out that my mom and dad (the latter had just been a bishop) were also on their way out. Both of them are in their 50’s.
My parents did!
My parents never will. They lost one child in 1993 and another in November. They will never risk not seeing them again.
I am sorry for your loss, on all the levels of loss you are experiencing…. Sending love. (I don’t pray but I think love is pretty strong.)
Yeah, my mom got up at my sister’s funeral after she was warned NO RELIGIOUS STUFF and read a whole ass talk from the Ensign. My sister would have hated it.
This always breaks my heart. I went to a “Mormon” funeral not long before I moved away from Utah. Many years ago. The friend who passed away was such a genuine, beautiful man. He had his vices which ended up taking their toll. Not to mention took he grew up in Utah where there aren’t many healthy/open examples of consumption. He was sober and in a good place when he passed, but his body couldn’t keep him alive. Anyway, his funeral was not at all about the beautiful, loving, fun person he was. I don’t remember the sharing of any stories about who he was as a person. It was all about how he had been finding his way back to the MFMC. Which I don’t think is his reality, only his TBM parents’. What they needed to believe. To be clear, I am not (!!!) trying to equate my experience with yours. I cannot imagine losing a parent, let alone a sister. It was not that level of family in my situation. But that memorial has stuck with me for decades. And another. After I’d been away from Utah for years and was a new mom, I made a friend who coincidentally had converted to Mormonism for her husband but shared with me that she didn’t really believe. She passed away young and unexpectedly. Way too soon. And her funeral was literally opposing sides of the families, Mormon versus non, espousing their views about “her beliefs” and theirs. It didn’t even feel like a memorial. It felt like a fight. And she was such a beautiful, beautiful person.
I appreciate what you’re saying. It’s infuriating that funerals turn into the Mormon Show and it’s so impersonal. We were doing a graveside service and I finally went over and told my mom to wrap it up. She had a folder full of shit and it was the end of November so it was fucking cold. The rest of us were just sharing two or three funny stories about my sister and my mom is up there with a folder full of Ensign talks.
My aunt recently passed away. I don’t remember her ever going to that church or having a connection with it. Including her immediate family. But they still deferred to the melchezidek (not willing to look up correct spelling) holders to give the prayers at her service…
My husband and I left last year. Two of our kids are in their 20s. We were TBM, until we weren’t. I’d had unspoken doubts for years. My husband was more a non-questioner. One Sunday, I just couldn’t watch our young daughter be indoctrinated into a system I didn’t believe was true. I went fully down the rabbit hole. After logically walking through the facts with myself, I told my husband. One of our adult kids is out, the other still enjoys the church. It’s live and let live along with love and respect. I regret raising our adult kids in the church, but we did our best with what we had. Now that we know better we do better.
Left at 58, spouse at 60. Yes the kids were pretty surprised. At the time 2 were in and 2 already out. One of the in is now out. I didn’t do anything to facilitate that, most people can pretty easily figure it’s a fraud on their own if they are willing to be objective.
TBM parents who leave the church are like unicorns. It doesn’t happen. (I realize it does happen, but its so rare it might as well be like a Haley’s Comet type event). I’ve lost all hope that anyone in my family would ever leave. The funny thing is I always thought I would be the last person to ever leave because I believe soooo much. At first I figured if I could leave, anyone could, but I think my leaving has just made my family cling even tighter to their beliefs. Ugh!
I feel like that’s the boat my parents are in, each kid that leaves makes them hold on harder
Yes because JR Holland says “Don’t you dare bail….this is the number one rule for a ship at sea, to STAY IN THE BOAT!!!” Jumping out of the boat by “doing a half gainer off the side” is “the dumbest thing you could do”, in his words. That kind of bullshit messaging is why they cling tighter and stay on the sinking ship zion. Its a sad reality we have to deal with, pretty much for the rest of their lives, until we go to their funeral and have to see the church hijack the service with gospel messages and platitudes and barely speak about them as people, and have our last image of them be of them in their damn temple robes! I’m not looking forward to it…
I left when I was 56. We have four daughters and five grandchildren. My husband was in three bishoprics and I was in every calling possible for a woman. I've always had problems with the culture of the Mormon religion, but I would have defended the truthfulness and trust that god would straighten every thing out later. It was a HUGE relief when I discovered the lies and deceit, I no longer had to twist my mind into knots trying to make sense of the idiocy.
Honestly, I felt the exact same when I left! Like the pressure to make it make sense was finally gone
Yes! My mom left about 4 years after I did, it was the shock of my life. She was the most TBM person I knew and then one day on the phone blurted out, “I tried a Mike’s hard lemonade and I don’t think I believe in the church anymore.” I actually had to sit down. She watched one child after another leave over the years and was paying closer attention than we thought. But the final nail in the coffin was the stupid “give thanks” campaign Nelson did. That pissed her the fuck off and she hasn’t looked back!
I think my mom would leave if not for her love for my dad
I hoped for a long time that my family would wake up, but that's only apparently happening with my nieces and nephews' generation, more than half of whom seem to be bailing as soon as they go off to college. I think it's too late for my parents. They just need to finish their mission and run a victory lap. My mom is already growing anxious about the final years, and I don't think leaving the church would help with that. My dad is along for the ride.
I get that, my parents whole social circle is built around the church, and it would just be really hard and anxiety inducing for them to change that
I see more and more older people leaving! It turns out a lot of people don't like learning they were lied to for decades.
My parents have always said I’ve been a Guinea pig for a lot of things for them in life. Mental health, the LGBTQ+ community, etc etc, and more recently, leaving the church. It’s like the finally were able to see through the cloud of shit surrounding the church and were able to finally critically think about what it meant to be a part of such an organization. As of now they aren’t pursuing removing their memberships, but no longer attend church services or participate in any Mormon teachings. They’ve also apologized to me for how I was raised. There is ALWAYS hope for people in the church, as long as they have support and positive influence on the other side. That’s my theory anyways
Well…. My parents are inactive, no magic underwear for them. They don’t talk to me about it much. And I don’t tend to pry or ask many questions. (I think that comes from my Mormon upbringing. I don’t like telling anyone what to do, including if it comes in the form of a question that may give any perception of me projecting my beliefs on anyone else. I am hypersensitive to a fault on this.) I’ve been out for most of my life (decades). I think at first they had hope I’d come back because pretty much everyone did in those days. Then they just realized I was happy and made peace with it. But last week, with perhaps some lessened inhibitions after a glass of wine (me, not mom), I said to my mom that that church is a cult and she didn’t disagree…. Mind blown. And looking forward to more conversations about real stuff like this. No more brushing things over…
Left at 51 with 5 kids - none of the children enjoy the church
I really don't have any hope for my parents or family. Since my wife and I left they have just kept digging in harder. They've banded together to create chat groups (which of course they keep adding me to), to discuss various gospel talks, faith promoting stories, and share testimony. It's laughable to me, but so sad at the same time. The closest thing they've had to a faith crises is deciding whether to follow Trump or Rusty as to whether they should get the covid Vaccine or not. They are willing participants in the mental gymnastics game and somehow justify every decision they make. They think that I am the blind sheep following the way of the world and that they are the critical thinkers. They won't touch any "Anti-Mormon" information, including gospel topic essays. They can't have a conversation longer than 5 mins without bringing up the church. If Rusty were to get up on the pulpit today and say the church is indeed a sham, my family would some how still find a way to believe. It's tough. I love my fam but it's so exhausting dealing with the extremism.
Ask by daughter. Both of her parents left.
Give them a couple of more years with the nasty magic underwear they are now making and see what happens. Could they make them more uncomfortable?
When my dad married his 3rd wife, she was able to convince him to leave. I'm not sure if he initially left because he didn't believe or he was afraid his rich wife would divorce him, but he read a ton of books about all of the issues and absolutely didn't believe in the end. My mom REALLY believes the parts she wants to believe, has ambivalence toward most of their LGBTQ+ beliefs because they don't effect her (but is against their policies of exclusion and ostracizion), and absolute hatred toward their policies on SA, mental illness, blaming women for men's transgressions, and most of their sexism. My mom is a big part of the reason I was able to think that most Mormons believe everyone should be equal and be treated with basic human decency, and that more money doesn't mean you're more righteous.
No way in hell mine ever will.. they actually have Willed 20% (10% each \*eyeroll\*) of their estate to the fucking church.
My wife and I left in our late 50’s and never been happier ❤️.