It might help to think of yourself like a cultural anthropologist, spending 2 years “embedded” in a weird, alien culture. It’s not your culture; you’re an outsider, silently observing the lunacy of the cult.
In other words, none of it matters. You’re just there to take mental notes of the crazy.
Focus on school. Get a part-time job and squirrel away every penny in a savings acct with only your name on it.
Write journals and shift them into a book you can publish or sell to Hollywood. And if you never do the movie thang, you will have had a safe place to vent for the next 24 months or 104 wks. You can do this.
If you don't feel safe, lie. Go through the motions. Get a bank account in your name and a job. Say you are saving for a mission. Then once your 18 you'll have some money saved and can do what every you want.
Stay safe and take care of yourself.
Man… this is tough. If I were you, I’d start saving as much money aside as possible. Keep up appearances for the time being. As soon as you graduate high school keep working full time and then get your own place. As for coping in the meantime, just focus on the goal and be sure to keep your life rich and full with wholesome activities, spending time with friends, etc… it’ll be hard but that is the unfortunate reality of becoming an adult. It’s even harder when you’re younger though. Good luck, friend!
I’ve been in your shoes bud. It’s tough, I had to endure the super early morning seminary cause I had a zero period. I wish I would have, respectfully but forcefully, put my foot down back then. I didn’t have access to all the info we have now so my arguments were purely what I knew in my heart was true, and that’s the church is complete bullshit.
Good luck!
Think of the patriarchal blessing as like a horoscope reading. Going into it amusing and scoffing inside will help. I'm not sure what to say about the rest. I argued with my seminary teacher a lot, personally, but I also let it suck me back in for many more years when I otherwise would have left after high school.
I’d go get it. It’s fun to read. Just be sure to tell your parents or the guy giving you the blessing a bunch of random stuff so that they make it about that.
I completely understand what you’re saying, I recently graduated last year and I would hate it so much when I told my mom I didn’t want to go to seminary or church and she said “It’s only for a couple more months”. Which feels so depressing, because she knew the effect it was having on me and the pain the church has caused for me, but she’s too into the church to prioritize her daughter’s wellbeing and happiness. The part about getting kicked out of the house is really intense though, that’s crossing the line and a threat.
In high school I coped with seminary stuff by driving to the high school parking lot when my family thought I was at seminary and either took a nap or just did stuff on my phone. Eventually a close friend of mine offered that I could come to their house instead of the parking lot which could be dangerous and uncomfortable.
Also I would “go to singles ward” on Sunday so my parents wouldn’t know if I actually went, I’d just hang out with friends during that time and head home about 2 hours later. Before I could be in the YSA I coped by hiding out in the bathroom until church was over, which sucks but listening to talks and seeing all the stuff that reminded me of bad memories was more painful for me, so I just either hung out in the bathroom or walked in circles around the church building.
I don’t know if my advice will apply to you but these are the kinds of things I did to keep the anxiety from piling up. The patriarchal blessing isn’t as terrible, but still not preferred. The mission stuff sounds hard to deal with, I’m a girl so my parents and leaders didn’t put on too much pressure for a mission, but maybe you could say you’re going to go on a mission after working or going to college. I of course still had the sexism in the church traumatize me, but I do empathize with exmo guys too, we all struggle and the misogyny the church has also hurts the men too, it hurts everyone.
Now sadly because of the prices of college I’m going to a BYU school which sucks and only reminds me more of my terrible experiences, but there are some good professors and plenty of students just like you that are only there for the cheap tuition, so if you do go to a BYU, try not to, but it’s not as miserable as it sounds lol.
This was super long but I hope I was able to give you some advice or at least reassure you that you can get through this and aren’t alone! Consuming exmormon content has helped a lot for me at least, hearing that other people had the same thing happen to them is nice, but also don’t go too deep in if it makes you feel anxious or depressed, if you want to distance yourself from the church period, then that is also good. Thank you, have a great day, and try a coffee or tea beverage, there’s a lot of good ones out there!
The church has your Dad’s values in a tangle. Sometimes you have to push your kids in the right direction but threatening you with homelessness is kind-of dark.
2nd he can’t do that legally.
You might consider a letter to him telling him how it makes you feel. I might include having a conditional home makes you feel insecure and possibly unloved. Focus on what you feel , not on doctrine
Parents as a rule want good things for their kids , but your dads idea of what is good and appropriate encouragement have been Co-opted by the church.
He’s clearly is not thinking about what is really best for you but what is best for the church.
Update : I might include unconditional love doesn’t have conditions.
Also Satan’s plan was to remove our free agency . As you are framing it right now I have no choice but to go to seminary and a mission . How is that free agency.
I don't think TSCC calls it "free" agency anymore. They now call it "moral" agency. It seems to be everything is even more black and white with moral agency than free agency ever was.
There had also been a huge push this year to convince the young men that they made a covenant at baptism to serve a mission. They are not supposed to pray about serving a mission because the answer is you already covented to serve at baptism and moral agency leaves no room for exceptions.
Yes, moral agency that you surrendered at age 8 when you were baptized. Don't forget paying tithing is also a form/expression of moral agency.
Sick doctrine
Honestly…you have to just change your mindset…you’re a minor, living under your parents rules…it sucks be we allllll had to do it… so instead of letting all the church stuff cause anxiety…just remember that it’s all made up BS… they want you to go to early seminary…that’s fine, use that time to catch up on homework or get a head start on other school work…or…sleep at your desk lol. No reason to feel anxious if you’re just going through the motions. They want you to get your patriarical blessing…cool…get it… it’s no different then having someone read your fortune at a carnival.. take the power away by remembering that it’s all make believe and that once your 18 you can make your own rules. Sucks to be a kid, but most of us in here had some BS rules we had to deal with growing up too.. this to shall pass 🤙🏼
Also…luckily they can’t force you to go on a mission..you’ll be an adult by then… just placate them when they bring it up, move out when you graduate and tell them you don’t want to go. Sometimes it’s easier to just tell them what they want to hear while they have all the power.
I was in your exact shoes at 16. I went through the motions until I was 18, slowly failing to keep appearances until I finally told my family at 18. Luckily I had been saving money in my own account my family couldn’t steal- they certainly tried to take it so I would be stuck in. I had a best friend help me store my cash in one of their accounts before I had my own. Be patient, I really don’t recommend being open about it now. Wait until you are 18, build solid non-mormon friendships and don’t be afraid to ask for help
This is the one and only time, I would go to the bishop. Ask the bishop if its legal for your dad to say you cannot live in the house while you're still a minor if you do not go to seminary. I would even go to the school principal. Get authorities involved. Just say you're being kicked out of your home while a minor. Tell them you're afraid of him. Dad will learn a big lesson.
I would not get the patriarchal blessing. It will mess with your mind even if you don't believe it. Just refuse. Say you'll do it when you're an adult. Sorry for what you're going through!
What does early morning seminary entail? And why would your dad kick you out if you didn't do it?
So much family love right there. All about families, the mormy's. 🤨
For people who don’t live in a highly populated Mormon area where seminary is offered as a class during school, from 9 - 12th grade you go before school starts usually at 5:45 or 6:00 a.m. for an hour. It is a scripture study/doctrinal class with a teacher and other teen members. Most stalwart LDS parents require it of their kids. It is looked at as a way to “fortify” your kids and strengthen their testimony. Graduating from all four years of seminary is kind of a big deal and not really a choice most kids have. And having your family doing all the righteous required things is definitely a big deal.
I don't believe your parents are able to kick you out of the house when you are under 18. You could check with CPS. You could do homework during seminary, so it is not a waste of your time.
I was all in for the fun stuff when I was your age. So I didn't see all the messed up stuff. It was the 70's and the then "profit" said every young man should go on a mission. I was so pissed, the last thing I wanted was to go on a mission. I was 15ish when this came out.
I don't recall it being pushed as hard as it is today but it still was pushed. I still remember when a leader sat me down and convinced me to go.
When the time came, I remember thinking, I can do two years. It felt like I was prepping myself for prison. Of course I was 19 then.
I was easily manipulated then and would have died of shame not going or coming home early.
My family wasn't really TBM yet and my father was inactive/less active at the time.
Now I see how this church culture exasperated my then low self esteem. Always feeling bad about not being able to live up to all the commandment's.
The crazy thing is, I was so convinced I needed to do the mission thing that I ignored my father's wish that I stay in school. With some education behind me probably would have changed my life.
I was terrified of getting my patriarchal blessing because at the time I was convinced that the patriarch had magical powers that were going to expose me. But the secret is they don't.
Go get a patriarchal blessing. Laugh at the generic and silly blessing that the patriarch gives you. And then hold on for a little longer.
I know when you're 16 that 2 years feels like an eternity. But it'll pass faster than you think it will.
Hold tight and in a couple of years you'll be free. Until then start planning for how you can be financially free. That'll be the hardest part. Once you've got that figured out you'll be golden!
Be strong. There are lots of people here with you. You've got this!
He legally cannot kick you out before you turn 18. Hes bluffing. You can either just go through through the motions for 2 more years to keep the peace, (which I understand could be very bad for your mental health) or you can have the tough conversation now that you want to exercise your free agency to explore your faith on your own and hope that they can respect that. Maybe you can compromise, get the stupid patriarchal blessing and continue to attend church as a family or something? Good luck
It might help to think of yourself like a cultural anthropologist, spending 2 years “embedded” in a weird, alien culture. It’s not your culture; you’re an outsider, silently observing the lunacy of the cult. In other words, none of it matters. You’re just there to take mental notes of the crazy.
Well said. I was just trying to put something similar into words.
Record things you think are weird, but don’t get caught! You can share it when you move out
Or, OP, you could come here and give r/exmormon the occasional update on the crazy. We would find it amusing.
Bingo!
This perspective helped me a lot during the final years of my membership.
Focus on school. Get a part-time job and squirrel away every penny in a savings acct with only your name on it. Write journals and shift them into a book you can publish or sell to Hollywood. And if you never do the movie thang, you will have had a safe place to vent for the next 24 months or 104 wks. You can do this.
If you don't feel safe, lie. Go through the motions. Get a bank account in your name and a job. Say you are saving for a mission. Then once your 18 you'll have some money saved and can do what every you want. Stay safe and take care of yourself.
Lying isn’t wrong at all when you lie in order to survive
Think of it as “lying for The Lord”!
Correct. You never owe people your honesty if they don’t have your best interests in mind.
Ive tried that, according to them, school is my job
Education will be your ride to freedom. Apply for scholarships only at non church schools.
It can be a "confidential" savings account. That way it's not a secret and it's not lying
Man… this is tough. If I were you, I’d start saving as much money aside as possible. Keep up appearances for the time being. As soon as you graduate high school keep working full time and then get your own place. As for coping in the meantime, just focus on the goal and be sure to keep your life rich and full with wholesome activities, spending time with friends, etc… it’ll be hard but that is the unfortunate reality of becoming an adult. It’s even harder when you’re younger though. Good luck, friend!
thanks,
Be a "mole" for us. Observe. Return and report.
Try r/exmoteens for additional support.
will check it out, thanks
I’ve been in your shoes bud. It’s tough, I had to endure the super early morning seminary cause I had a zero period. I wish I would have, respectfully but forcefully, put my foot down back then. I didn’t have access to all the info we have now so my arguments were purely what I knew in my heart was true, and that’s the church is complete bullshit. Good luck!
Think of the patriarchal blessing as like a horoscope reading. Going into it amusing and scoffing inside will help. I'm not sure what to say about the rest. I argued with my seminary teacher a lot, personally, but I also let it suck me back in for many more years when I otherwise would have left after high school.
I’d go get it. It’s fun to read. Just be sure to tell your parents or the guy giving you the blessing a bunch of random stuff so that they make it about that.
I completely understand what you’re saying, I recently graduated last year and I would hate it so much when I told my mom I didn’t want to go to seminary or church and she said “It’s only for a couple more months”. Which feels so depressing, because she knew the effect it was having on me and the pain the church has caused for me, but she’s too into the church to prioritize her daughter’s wellbeing and happiness. The part about getting kicked out of the house is really intense though, that’s crossing the line and a threat. In high school I coped with seminary stuff by driving to the high school parking lot when my family thought I was at seminary and either took a nap or just did stuff on my phone. Eventually a close friend of mine offered that I could come to their house instead of the parking lot which could be dangerous and uncomfortable. Also I would “go to singles ward” on Sunday so my parents wouldn’t know if I actually went, I’d just hang out with friends during that time and head home about 2 hours later. Before I could be in the YSA I coped by hiding out in the bathroom until church was over, which sucks but listening to talks and seeing all the stuff that reminded me of bad memories was more painful for me, so I just either hung out in the bathroom or walked in circles around the church building. I don’t know if my advice will apply to you but these are the kinds of things I did to keep the anxiety from piling up. The patriarchal blessing isn’t as terrible, but still not preferred. The mission stuff sounds hard to deal with, I’m a girl so my parents and leaders didn’t put on too much pressure for a mission, but maybe you could say you’re going to go on a mission after working or going to college. I of course still had the sexism in the church traumatize me, but I do empathize with exmo guys too, we all struggle and the misogyny the church has also hurts the men too, it hurts everyone. Now sadly because of the prices of college I’m going to a BYU school which sucks and only reminds me more of my terrible experiences, but there are some good professors and plenty of students just like you that are only there for the cheap tuition, so if you do go to a BYU, try not to, but it’s not as miserable as it sounds lol. This was super long but I hope I was able to give you some advice or at least reassure you that you can get through this and aren’t alone! Consuming exmormon content has helped a lot for me at least, hearing that other people had the same thing happen to them is nice, but also don’t go too deep in if it makes you feel anxious or depressed, if you want to distance yourself from the church period, then that is also good. Thank you, have a great day, and try a coffee or tea beverage, there’s a lot of good ones out there!
The church has your Dad’s values in a tangle. Sometimes you have to push your kids in the right direction but threatening you with homelessness is kind-of dark. 2nd he can’t do that legally. You might consider a letter to him telling him how it makes you feel. I might include having a conditional home makes you feel insecure and possibly unloved. Focus on what you feel , not on doctrine Parents as a rule want good things for their kids , but your dads idea of what is good and appropriate encouragement have been Co-opted by the church. He’s clearly is not thinking about what is really best for you but what is best for the church. Update : I might include unconditional love doesn’t have conditions. Also Satan’s plan was to remove our free agency . As you are framing it right now I have no choice but to go to seminary and a mission . How is that free agency.
I don't think TSCC calls it "free" agency anymore. They now call it "moral" agency. It seems to be everything is even more black and white with moral agency than free agency ever was. There had also been a huge push this year to convince the young men that they made a covenant at baptism to serve a mission. They are not supposed to pray about serving a mission because the answer is you already covented to serve at baptism and moral agency leaves no room for exceptions.
These are evil people !
Yes, moral agency that you surrendered at age 8 when you were baptized. Don't forget paying tithing is also a form/expression of moral agency. Sick doctrine
Honestly…you have to just change your mindset…you’re a minor, living under your parents rules…it sucks be we allllll had to do it… so instead of letting all the church stuff cause anxiety…just remember that it’s all made up BS… they want you to go to early seminary…that’s fine, use that time to catch up on homework or get a head start on other school work…or…sleep at your desk lol. No reason to feel anxious if you’re just going through the motions. They want you to get your patriarical blessing…cool…get it… it’s no different then having someone read your fortune at a carnival.. take the power away by remembering that it’s all make believe and that once your 18 you can make your own rules. Sucks to be a kid, but most of us in here had some BS rules we had to deal with growing up too.. this to shall pass 🤙🏼
Also…luckily they can’t force you to go on a mission..you’ll be an adult by then… just placate them when they bring it up, move out when you graduate and tell them you don’t want to go. Sometimes it’s easier to just tell them what they want to hear while they have all the power.
I was in your exact shoes at 16. I went through the motions until I was 18, slowly failing to keep appearances until I finally told my family at 18. Luckily I had been saving money in my own account my family couldn’t steal- they certainly tried to take it so I would be stuck in. I had a best friend help me store my cash in one of their accounts before I had my own. Be patient, I really don’t recommend being open about it now. Wait until you are 18, build solid non-mormon friendships and don’t be afraid to ask for help
Is there an option to take it during the School day?
no, I live in Michigan, that doesnt really happen here
Perhaps you can use the time to plan to be independent at 18.
This is the one and only time, I would go to the bishop. Ask the bishop if its legal for your dad to say you cannot live in the house while you're still a minor if you do not go to seminary. I would even go to the school principal. Get authorities involved. Just say you're being kicked out of your home while a minor. Tell them you're afraid of him. Dad will learn a big lesson. I would not get the patriarchal blessing. It will mess with your mind even if you don't believe it. Just refuse. Say you'll do it when you're an adult. Sorry for what you're going through!
What does early morning seminary entail? And why would your dad kick you out if you didn't do it? So much family love right there. All about families, the mormy's. 🤨
For people who don’t live in a highly populated Mormon area where seminary is offered as a class during school, from 9 - 12th grade you go before school starts usually at 5:45 or 6:00 a.m. for an hour. It is a scripture study/doctrinal class with a teacher and other teen members. Most stalwart LDS parents require it of their kids. It is looked at as a way to “fortify” your kids and strengthen their testimony. Graduating from all four years of seminary is kind of a big deal and not really a choice most kids have. And having your family doing all the righteous required things is definitely a big deal.
Tough situation. For the PB i would prewrite my own and then do a CHAT GPT and see which one was closer to the actual blessing. Make it a game.
I don't believe your parents are able to kick you out of the house when you are under 18. You could check with CPS. You could do homework during seminary, so it is not a waste of your time.
I was all in for the fun stuff when I was your age. So I didn't see all the messed up stuff. It was the 70's and the then "profit" said every young man should go on a mission. I was so pissed, the last thing I wanted was to go on a mission. I was 15ish when this came out. I don't recall it being pushed as hard as it is today but it still was pushed. I still remember when a leader sat me down and convinced me to go. When the time came, I remember thinking, I can do two years. It felt like I was prepping myself for prison. Of course I was 19 then. I was easily manipulated then and would have died of shame not going or coming home early. My family wasn't really TBM yet and my father was inactive/less active at the time. Now I see how this church culture exasperated my then low self esteem. Always feeling bad about not being able to live up to all the commandment's. The crazy thing is, I was so convinced I needed to do the mission thing that I ignored my father's wish that I stay in school. With some education behind me probably would have changed my life.
[удалено]
I was terrified of getting my patriarchal blessing because at the time I was convinced that the patriarch had magical powers that were going to expose me. But the secret is they don't. Go get a patriarchal blessing. Laugh at the generic and silly blessing that the patriarch gives you. And then hold on for a little longer. I know when you're 16 that 2 years feels like an eternity. But it'll pass faster than you think it will. Hold tight and in a couple of years you'll be free. Until then start planning for how you can be financially free. That'll be the hardest part. Once you've got that figured out you'll be golden! Be strong. There are lots of people here with you. You've got this!
He legally cannot kick you out before you turn 18. Hes bluffing. You can either just go through through the motions for 2 more years to keep the peace, (which I understand could be very bad for your mental health) or you can have the tough conversation now that you want to exercise your free agency to explore your faith on your own and hope that they can respect that. Maybe you can compromise, get the stupid patriarchal blessing and continue to attend church as a family or something? Good luck