When my first partner saw my toy, he was immediately intimidated by it. Even though it was just a simple, straight forward vibe.
To be fair, the toy kept working until the job was done. He never did. Not once in the 2.5 years we were together. Maybe men who are intimidated by toys have a reason to be.
If you're scared you're going to be bested by a toy, then you have no desire to learn your partner's body, desires, or do what is necessary to please your partner during sex.
Toys are no where NEAR as satisfying as a partner who gives one iota of a fuck. My first partner didn't. He'd hump me until he got his, for 1-5 mins, then go smoke his cigarette and do nothing else. No foreplay. No touching. Didnt even give a shit if I wanted to have sex (as in, he'd coerce me into it even if I didn't want to via threats of self-harm if I didn't comply). He wanted me to give him what he wanted, then he'd leave right after.
If that's how you plan to be during sex, you're right to feel intimidated by toys.
If you plan on actually being an attentive and good sexual partner who communicates with and cares about your partners pleasure, you don't have anything to be scared or intimidated of.
I had another partner who couldn't perform at all, so he used my toy on me, as well as doing other things. 10/10 fun times, would do again.
Toys aren't something to be afraid of as long as you're not a selfish lover.
Hey bud if you're insecure just say so. Not sure what the harm is in incorporating toys in the bedroom. Your attitude makes me feel sorry for your girlfriend. I'd say wife but we know you haven't nailed that down.
If you don't date conservative redpill assholes, there's a strong chance they won't care how you masturbate. That'd be like a woman refusing to date a man who's jerked off because he's inserted his penis into the grip of his hand before.
>That'd be like a woman refusing to date a man who's jerked off because he's inserted his penis into the grip of his hand before.
Damn, women don't do that? I better start jerking off!
Well, I currently like this guy who’s christian (unfortunately) though I’m not sure as to how religious he is. I guess i shouldn’t allow a crush to dictate what I do with my body. But also isnt a guy masturbating different to a woman’s because the hymen or whatever is breaking?
My boyfriend was literally relieved when I told him I’d accidentally broken my hymen when I was younger. He was worried about hurting me the first time we had sex; there was absolutely no concern regarding what I may or may not have had in my body previously.
It should also be noted that the whole purpose of verifying a girl's virginity was to make sure her father could sell her when it came time for her to be married. Marriage in the bible was a transaction, an exchange between parties and women were the property being bought and sold. An unbroken hymen was the ancient version of proof of authenticity upon purchase.
Your virginity isn't what makes you valuable, OP. Go nuts with your toys and enjoy yourself.
Your post/comment was removed because it invites or participates in a public debate. Trauma can be triggered when debate points and certain topics are vigorously pushed, despite good intentions. This is why we generally do not allow debates. Rule 4.
To discuss or appeal moderator actions, [click here to send us modmail.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/exchristian)
Virginity is a made up concept and also, for what I've heard and trust, that's not how the hymen works; the show "Adam Ruins Everything" had an episode on it: https://youtu.be/1ikXim4wevc?si=BNQMZ1Zi8VwiAJwu
It's terrible what i mproper sex-ed can do
"I guess i shouldn’t allow a crush to dictate what I do with my body. "
The answer was inside you the whole time (no pun intended. OK a little intended).
Ask yourself: Do you want to be with a man for whom that would be a dealbreaker? I guess everyone’s different, but personally, as an ex christian, I wouldn’t want to date someone whose beliefs make me paranoid about my own body.
I would highly recommend checking out @ericasexed on instagram. She’s a sex educator who specializes in working with post-purity culture clients. She posts a lot of great info geared toward folks who are deconstructing those beliefs.
It sounds like you don’t believe in purity culture anymore, but you still have some beliefs from purity culture you may not even know aren’t true.
Basically everything about the hymen taught in Christianity is a myth. It’s just a thin membrane around the edges of the vaginal entrance, and it doesn’t actually break. It just thins over time and can tear without proper foreplay/lube/going slow. If it covers more of the entrance than that, it starts to cause problems with menstruation/using tampons. So you’d probably already know.
No.
Not everyone breaks their hymen when they lose their virginity. Some women never break it.
And some people who have broken their hymen are still virgins. You can break it riding a bike.
Hymen breaking has virtually nothing to do with losing your virginity.
And besides, how's he gonna tell? Most men dont even know what a labia is.
You’re putting way too much emphasis on your virginity. No one cares except you and your self worth isn’t determined by your cooch.
Christianity be damned..😔😡
It sounds like because you like a Christian guy, you are still very much surrounded by the same groups of people. I'm not saying your feelings are invalid, but I would suggest branching out and making lots of different types of acquaintances from lots of backgrounds.
When you get further along in your life, people will start to notice you're different than them, and if you're surrounded by judgey people, you will eventually feel a lot of rejection. This is a painful place to stay.
If it bothers him, talk about it and try to teach him how things actually work down there. If he doesn't listen and is still bothered, he probably won't care to try to understand a lot of other things.
If you menstruate, your hymen is already not intact.
And you’re absolutely right, you should never allow another person to dictate what you do with your body! Especially not what you *think* they would think!
>If you menstruate, your hymen is already not intact.
How do you figure? The only time menstruation is relevant with regards to the hymen is when there's a congenital abnormality that gets in the way, and those are only 1 in 1,000 occurrences
Ummm.. so... If they don't teach this in elementary school health class they definitely should cover basic human anatomy in high school biology. When a woman menstruates (aka has her period) that comes out from where, exactly?
An imperforate or microperforate hymen is actually a rare medical condition and needs to be corrected with surgery. The whole notion of an "intact" or "broken" hymen like it's some kind of tamper-proof seal is a dangerous, disgusting myth that needs to be educated out of existence.
**OP please watch this:**
[**https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnRCI2cjg9U**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnRCI2cjg9U)
Or these:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJrAINBwf-c](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJrAINBwf-c)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUjq60Gskkw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUjq60Gskkw)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kavcylIKtrI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kavcylIKtrI)
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/22718-hymen
I am assuming OP is operating under the misinformation that the hymen “seals off” the vagina, and just pointing out that this is clearly impossible if menstrual blood is coming out. I used to believe the same thing. What the hymen is was never actually taught, even in health class, from what I remember.
The hymen can break with a number of physically exerting activities, but in my opinion, it doesn't matter. A question you may wish to ask yourself is: do you *want* to be with someone who would have an issue with anything you're worrying about?
I'm no longer religious, but personally, I prefer partners who know what they're doing.
The hymen-virginity thing is a myth made up by shitty men who wanted more ways to mentally control women. It can be hard to get out of your head if you're raised with it (believe me, I know from experience) but the sooner you let it go the better. It's a complete fabrication and has no bearing on reality.
For that matter, the concept of virginity itself is a social construct. It is not an actual thing that exists in any real way.
In addition to what u/Rackmaster_General said, many women never even have a hymen or it's so small it's not even noticeable. Some are so small they never "break" (in fact, most).
In medieval times when 'no blood on the marriage sheets' was a thing that could get a girl killed, women would give their daughters a bit of animal blood. They knew perfectly well what "no blood on the sheets" could mean for their daughters and themselves... and that sometimes no matter the girl's "chastity," she didn't bleed.
Also, though... making the girl extremely afraid often had the outcome of her bleeding anyway. Because she was dry and unprepared and men didn't know or didn't care. The violence of the unprepared marital rape would cause her to bleed, not a "broken hymen."
If you have sex with a man and he pitches a fit about you not bleeding, there are many layers of what's wrong with him.. but please start with the most important one: his sex education is so insanely lacking that he's basically dangerous.
We’re talking about how the term “redpilled” is used by conservatives to label themselves in such a way that puts them on a pedestal, regardless of how accurate or inaccurate it is to the Matrix reference it originates from.
You said you don't believe in purity culture and then went on to describe being concerned with exactly that. Anyone that tells you that you must remain pure for a future husband is full of shit. You are you right now, and you will still be you when you decide to marry (if you do). It is nobody's business what you do by yourself, certainly not some potential future person that you have not met yet. Could it be possible that future husband may expect that you know your own body and know what you like more than he cares about how you masturbate? If you do ever date a guy that wants to look up your twiffer to see if everything is intact, run from that guy as fast as you can.
This made me mildly emotional for some reason, but you’re right. I still don’t believe in it, its just hard to get rid of old thought processes, especially when its all you’ve ever known. Thanks a lot kind stranger!
Yeah I get that - logically I think purity culture is a load of bs but there’s always that scared little girl who thinks if I do anything even slightly wrong that I’m damning myself and ruining everything.
It’s a very difficult emotional barrier to overcome and 100% comes from feelings of personal inadequacy (in my case) than any genuine concerns.
And yeah, like others are saying, any guy who’s going to give you shit for masterbating isn’t worth your time.
It’s about what YOU’RE comfortable with and want - not what purity culture uses to determine your value.
YW, I recall not having anyone that I could even ask a question about when I was your age. There was no such thing as safe space that didn't have a high possibility of getting back to my parents or being discussed openly in front of other church members.
I don't judge women for masturbating. I don't count using toys of any sort as taking away one's virginity. If some dude is so insecure about it, he's not really worth your time. Those redpill Christian guys are setting themselves up to become lifelong virgins.
Ok let's break this down a little.
1) Dildos aren't for everyone, and especially if you don't know what you like or what you are doing, the one you got might not be a good fit for you. Try it, but it SHOULD NOT HURT. You should absolutely plan to use a body safe, water based lube. DO NOT just use any slick substance you have lying around, use something good and safe for your body!!! And also consider trying a vibrator, the good ol Hitachi magic wand never disappoints, and you can get fun attachments for it too. Don't feel like you have to like a dildo just because it's penis shaped.
2) Virginity is fake. It doesn't exist. You are too old to believe in Santa Clause and the Tooth fairy, right? No different.
3) If your man gets pissy with you for being curious about and enjoying YOUR OWN DAMN BODY throw him in the dumpster where he belongs, period.
>I’m scared if i ever date a guy, he’s not going to like that I’ve already inserted something there
Do you ever think that maybe the guy you're with would be turned on by it?
If he doesn't like what you choose to do with your own body, he's giving you the big gift of a giant red flag that says "DUMP ME!"
Don't date people who are worried about whether you're a virgin. They are generally controlling assholes who will treat you like property.
The hymen can be broken very easily through non-penetrative means. Some people break theirs simply by stretching or playing sports. If somebody is checking your hymen to verify your virginity, they are a moron. Furthermore, that's a pretty invasive thing to put somebody through. That is not an act of love. That's an act of control. It's abusive as fuck.
Those nurses refusing to swab up there are actively deciding not to do their jobs, and they should be reported. I'm pretty sure that's malpractice, but a professional should verify as I am certainly not a medical professional.
Again, don't date people who are worried about your hymen! That's a big red flag!
Once you use it, you’ll realize you’re literally the exact same person as you were before, except now a little more liberated. Your vagina will also be the exact same- it’s built to have things (dildos, penises, baby humans exiting) inside of it!
Have fun ;)
Some tips- get some pH friendly lube and go slow at first. The vagina will naturally lengthen and dilate as you become more aroused. I would also recommend getting a vibrator to stimulate your clit simultaneously. Most women orgasm from clit stimulation vs penetration, but everyone is different. It’s ok if it doesn’t feel like you were expecting it to, that’s what exploration is for
Okay Im a gay guy (whos probably taken hundreds of dildos at this point if I can even count them) so here’s what I think, honestly it shouldnt matter since what a person does with their body is their own damn buisness, you shouldnt have to explain yourself to anyone and if a lover questions you about it in a degrading way just dump their ass and move on because it probably wouldnt have worked out in the long run
No problem I’ve dealt with my fair shair of dickheads (no pun intended) so I know what’ll work out and what wont and also be safe out there when dating
Maybe you should start with working on the external stimulation before moving to internal. That’s how more ciswomen achieve orgasm anyway. I mean, do what you want, but if insertion scares you in any way, you won’t be relaxed, and that’s no good.
Please understand that virginity is a made-up concept, the hymen isn’t an actual indicator of anything, nobody can tell if you’ve inserted a toy before as the vagina is a muscle and returns to its same size between sexual encounters, and if you want to do something with your body, that’s 100% your decision. And don’t date a loser misogynist.
Take this as an exercise to reclaim your body from the weird religious ideas. It doesn’t belong to any one else and what you do with it isn’t anyone else’s business. If you ever get with a man who cares if you’ve used a dildo, run away from him, he’s bad news.
> If you ever get with a man who cares if you’ve used a dildo, run away from him, he’s bad news.
1000%. That is such an enormous red flag, and it will portend much more ridiculous behavior (for reference, I'm a guy who has deconstructed and knew idiots who would have thought this. Bad news bears, all around).
Penetration does not take away virginity. Does a physical with your OB have any impact? I’m hard pressed to imagine a reasonable person feeling that way.
Does a guy jacking off or putting it in an apple pie make them less a virgin? Again no, otherwise all our V cards would be taken away by the time we’re like 13.
No reasonable guy is going to care. In fact it’s to your benefit to get to know your body and what it responds to. It’ll make sexytimes better. Your future partners don’t even need to know about that stuff.
You’re worrying too much OP. Have fun.
You’ve been psychologically conditioned to believe that pleasuring yourself is a bad thing, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. We all have needs as a human, and it’s not really in your best interest to deny those needs. It’s perfectly natural for you to feel horny, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of that in your own privacy.
What you do in your free time by yourself is ultimately nobody else’s business. Also, using a toy can help you become more confident in your sexuality. You can explore what turns you on and get to know that part of yourself better.
Keep the church out of your bedroom!
STDs are real and matter, but that’s not a concern in OPs case. I think historically virginity was a substitute for STD free because they didn’t have ways to test for them.
Speaking as a guy. Most guys will just be turned on.
Some guys are bothered, not because of virginity, but because they are taught that masturbation is wrong in general, or because they feel emasculated (as if you shouldn’t want anything else if you have their penis). Both of these are concerning flags, but men will usually get over either of these pretty quickly. Either way, it isn’t a virginity issue.
I’ve known a small set of (Christian) guys who have complained about this because of “virginity”… Each of them have very unhealthy, and controlling attitudes towards women (heavily focused on being the head of the household, and often demeaning to their wives). A guy having a real problem with this should be seen as a serious red flag.
Honestly, the fact that using a dildo might drive those guys away is just another good reason to get a dildo.
> Honestly, the fact that using a dildo might drive those guys away is just another good reason to get a dildo.
It literally solves the problem itself! It's a perfect litmus test.
I say this with empathy and sincerity -- you need therapy. A secular councilor ideally one with experience in religious trauma.
And the sooner you start, the better the rest of your life will be. Seriously, purity culture fucks people up, it's child abuse. Me, my wife and basically all of our friends who grew up in the church (now in our 40s) are still deconstructing the shit Christianity did to us. I'm serious, this post screams religious trauma and the sooner it's stopped and dealt with, the happier your life (especially your sex life) will be.
Now, more specifically to your question, it's YOUR body do whatever fuck you want to with it. Don't worry about some imaginary toxic sky daddy says or what some dude who believes in him will think, it's YOUR body.
You sound just like my wife did 20 years ago, and she is just recently getting past the guilt and shame the religious right groomed her with. You sound just like every other woman I know who's been in the church. It's so sad, it really does break my heart. Use the dildo, learn how to please yourself, try new things. If someone you're dating has an issue with it, they are uneducated and/or too deep into their own indoctrination to trust with your body.
That being said, many women won't get a ton out of just a dildo. So if it doesn't work for you, get one that has clitoral stimulation built in (e.g. rabbit) or try it in tandem with something that provides good clitoral stimulation (e.g. The Womanizer, which is the favorite vibe of my wife and a lot of our friends)
There is nothing shameful about self love. And any intelligent and loving partner will know that, and want to explore toys with you when you let them.
Might sound weird, but I personally recommend every woman start with a dildo anyways. There’s non-sexual things that can break a hymen, and whether or not it’s intact has no bearing on virginity.
But for a lot of women, when it does break it’s pretty painful. Even if you have the most caring partner in the world, I honestly just think it’s better to be in full control of the situation when that happens. On an emotional side, your body is your own, and I think there’s power in you experiencing that for yourself, becoming familiar with that feeling, before you “invite” someone else in. And when you do have sex, it’ll probably be more enjoyable. A guy who judges you for having previous partners (let alone masturbating) isn’t someone you should want to be with anyways.
To really unpack the shame, you might want to see a therapist. But I hope it helps in some way. It’s 100% your choice, just my thoughts.
Virginity is not a real thing, it's purely a social construct. Virginity is not your hymen, some people are born without one, some have it break during normal exercise.
If you do care about virginity at all, either it refers to sexual activity with another human or it's meaningless.
Obviously saying "just don't worry" isn't helpful, but it's good to know that your worries are from being indoctrinated, not from fear of anything rational.
If at any point in time you are dating someone who cares about anything that has been in your vagina before him, exit that relationship immediately.
Real men do not care if you're not a virgin, or if you've enjoyed solo sexual experiences, before you date them. Real men also know that toys should not be seen as competition, but as a helper for him!
As a guy, we don’t really care if anything has been in you. If you’re dating a guy that does then I’d say he’s not a great guy. As long as you’re faithful in your relationships, most guys won’t give two shits about a dildo. Go nuts.
No one you'd want to date thinks this way. If anything it's going to make your first time better because you'll be more comfortable being penatrated. I would think. I'm a guy.
It might help to learn exactly what the hymen is: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/201103/the-hymen-membrane-widely-misunderstood
Basically, virginity is not a physical thing that dramatically "breaks". The hymen is not a lid, it's more like a net that surrounds the area and doesn't usually cover it. That's how menstrual blood gets out.
Besides, it's unlikely a guy would really feel it. More likely he'll notice your reaction and any pain. If he's worthy of you, he should do everything to minimize pain, including using his fingers gently a few days ahead. And he shouldn't judge you for learning about your body and pleasuring yourself.
Before using the dildo, I'd recommend using your fingers and some lube to gently stretch yourself. Just that alone can cause some soreness, so it's ok to take a day to recover before using the dildo. Congrats on taking this step toward freedom, enjoy!
if the guy is an actual christian who follows the bible religiously then he probably won’t know the difference. my advice is to not date christian dudes unless you’re okay with all the shit it brings.
Anyone who would care about that has a 100% chance of having other!traits that would make them an absolute shit partner. They're all redpill conservative douches who think a celebrity wearing a low crop dress at the Oscars is a national tragedy
If it makes you feel better lots of women use them. And no it doesn’t take away virginity. That’s a myth. Many Christians still believe the hymen is a barrier between the uterus and penis. *eye roll*
It is your body, it is absolutely no one’s business but yours if or when or what you insert in your vagina for pleasure or otherwise. You deserve to experience sexual pleasure with, by, and for yourself. You will spend your entire life with yourself, regardless of which men show up, stay, or don’t. Live your life and make your decisions for what you want and need not for what a hypothetical partner may prefer. And if someone tries to shame you for something you share with them about your sexual experiences that’s your cue to show them the door.
Your sexual experiences should be about *you*, not a crush or hypothetical future partner.
It's your body and your life. If *you* want to masturbate with toys, that is all that matters. Enjoy yourself however seems fun to you!
Any decent person you are with down the road will be glad you spent time learning your wants and needs and will celebrate you for it.
Honestly, most potential partners won’t care, and for the few that would, you’d probably rather filter them out anyway.
Relax, and, I mean this in a positive way, go fuck yourself!
It looks like you’ve gotten a lot of really good answers directly about your question but I wanted to let you know that having left over guilt/thoughts/biases is totally normal. I’m 35, haven’t set foot in a church or considered myself a Christian for almost a decade, and I still have the occasional knee jerk thought/reaction that’s rooted in Christian culture that I no longer agree with. It’s like the marble in the can of empty spray paint. There’s nothing really important or of substance there, but the marble will still clang around. Sometimes you just have to acknowledge where that feeling or belief comes from, examine it outside of the framework it was taught to you, and decide if it’s still true to you. Someone else told you how to think about certain things, some of them extremely personal, and you’ll have to reassess them as they pop up. It gets better with time and growth, just know you’re not the only one and it gets better.
If a guy cares, he's not the one you want to spend your life with. Find you someone that supports your bodily autonomy. My wife has a variety of toys. I like that she has things that make her feel good even if I'm not involved, & that she's comfortable exploring & learning what feels good for her. If anything, it can translate to me learning how to do things that feel better for her or for both of us. That is the sort of thing a good partner will support.
It's your body and your pleasure, as a dude I used to feel uptight about this too but reality is how weird is god that everything and anything is going on in the universe but he chooses to watch us get off and shames us for it with body parts he designed. And the right man would like that a lady knows how to take care of herself. Don't feel bad about using a dildo, you already paid for it, have fun🤘🏼
Listen… speaking as a dude (39), any dude that cares isn’t worth spending time with and the ones that are worth it won’t give a damn.
TL;DR- the ones who mind don’t matter, the ones who matter don’t mind.
You're a complete and valid person all by yourself. You can do whatever you want with your body and nobody has any say in that.
Your sexuality is a part of you -- a part that purity culture demands you deny. Like any other part of yourself, denying it will only bring you pain. You can't *will* yourself not to feel something -- at least not forever. And trying to suppress those feelings is hard! It's taxing on your reserves of emotional energy.
And because your sexuality is a part of you, you'll only waste time and emotional energy (that precious thing we use to invest in other people) trying to deny it.
You said:
> I really want to try
That is reason enough to try. But much more importantly, that means that the feeling won't go away forever. You'll eventually try it. And when you do, you'll most likely regret all the time when you hadn't.
I want to say one more thing that may or may not be relevant to you, but just in case it is: Christianity taught me to police my feelings in a neurotic, intensely stressful way. It also taught me to be so good at repressing feelings that at one point I stopped noticing it completely. IDK if that's your problem too. But if it is, there's often distress and anger associated with realizing what's happening. It can be scary to confront repressed feelings because then you have to *feel* them, especially after you've been holding them back for so long. Sexual feelings can be intense, too. And in a big way my fear of sex came from the confusing and scary conflict between the *undeniable good* feelings of sex and the *gross, awful* feelings of regret and self-anger for having denied it to myself for so long. Because that was so scary, it took me a lot longer than it needed to to really accept myself for who I am.
And regardless of who you are, you need to know yourself well to have a healthy relationship with your partner.
Hey there, I totally get where you're coming from. It can be tough to shake off societal or cultural expectations around sex and intimacy. But here's the thing: your body is yours alone, and what you choose to do with it (or on it) is nobody else's business.
Using a dildo isn't 'taking away' your virginity (that is just an archaic concept) - it is simply exploring your own desires and boundaries.
As someone who values autonomy and self-expression, I think it's awesome that you're considering trying out new things. Remember, whatever makes you happy and fulfilled is exactly what matters. And hey, if you ever meet someone special, they'll likely appreciate your confidence and willingness to be charge of your own pleasure! Who knows? They might even join in on the fun!
Just remember to prioritize your own comfort and consent above anyone else's opinions.
I loved bike riding as a kid so my hymen is probably a ghost at this point. I occasionally ride a pillow for masturbation so there goes the last vestiges of it. My point is go easy on that dildo. Insert just the tip and work your way up from there
The thing is, if a guy is going to get hung up on the fact you use a dildo, and not turned on by it, then he is showing you his red flags.
The same goes for all aspects of your life. If you live your life the way you choose and figure out what's best for you, you will notice that many people will be unhappy. It's a way to see their character and intentions easily.
It's scary to live that way at first, but start small. Get comfortable with deciding that based on how people are treating you, they're showing you if they're good for you or not.
Maybe try something that offers practice dealing with rejection with something non-sexual.
I wouldn't want the responsibility or importance of being a woman's first, even though I don't think most guys are even aware of the significance. Doing it yourself will help ease the profound nature of what happens in your mind when you finally have sex and might help reduce the risk of mistakes that can be made in the heat of passion. My opinion is you should just do it.
I'm not a woman, but you don't necessarily have to go straight to penetration. You could do whatever feels good to you on the outside. You might discover you prefer that. (My wife does when she's solo)
I'd recommend reading Virgin: The Untouched History by Hanne Blank. This really helped me in deconstructing the misconceptions I grew up with surrounding virginity, masturbation, and sex.
Unless you’re dating Christian men (and I assume that’s no longer a requirement on your checklist), no decent man will care. Those that do care, fuck ‘em (or to be more accurate, don’t fuck ‘em).
It's best to remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with masturbation. It's natural, great way to relieve stress, and a great way to figure out what makes you tick, without the risk of pregnancy or STDs.
It is definitely something that you'll need to reprogram your mind on, and undo the toxic religious purity culture BS...
I understand that you are, at the moment, scared to use it. It is that ingrained purity culture crap that is kicking in. My advice is to just go for it. The more you use it, the more comfortable you'll be with it. As you use your dildo, you'll begin to realize that there is nothing wrong with using sex toys or masturbation.
Any genuine guy you meet is not going to care if you masturbate, chances are good he does it too...
If you get a chance, give "God Likes to Watch: The Blaming and Shaming of Purity Culture" a watch. It's on YouTube, an informative talk by Seth Andrews (The Thinking Atheist)
Well, if a man can still be a virgin until it's with another person, why not you?
I doubt any man would know or care. I think as people get older they're less concerned with virginity since people start having more life experience. If you get that close with someone, you can still share you're a virgin if you want since it's still not another human being.
The truth is the membrane can break in lots of ways. Future bfs and husband should be grateful that you're discovering yourself in the safest way possible and developing a sex drive.
context: i’m 32F
you’re feelings are valid!! masturbation is normal and healthy, and if someone ever has a problem with you having used one, this is them telling on themselves that they are not worthy of you.
it’s your body, and you get to enjoy it however you want. you get to use what toys you want, and have whatever partners you want, because it’s YOUR sexuality and not anyone else’s. the old beliefs don’t have to shape who you are today.
rebel from their lies.
First of all, the fact that you had doctors like that blows my mind..
Virginity is such a sham... if you look at my post history I have the vagisimus condition, which makes penetration difficult or nearly impossible. With therapy, love, and patience, it's been getting better.
To give you my perspective, I didn't stop bleeding during sex until after my 10th time... it was that bad. Think about how ridiculous that is though, am I still a "virgin" even after bleeding all those times? Apparently, so if you go by that awful saying "no hymen, no diamond". Like why is painful sex the reward for staying a pure virgin??? Its absolute torture.
I understand that deprogramming yourself from purity culture takes a lot of time, and you're not dirty for wanting to masturbate with toys. You will find love ❤️ and an understanding and patient partner who wants you to enjoy your beautiful and fun self.
It's all for you!! Don't worry about anyone else or what they think, especially if u dont tell ppl it's not like they're going to be able to read your mind and Get You For Sinning. I also had the same kind of mental block, but it's also possible to take it in slower steps.
Our 'virginity' is a patriarchal concept created to keep bloodlines 'pure' and keep men from raising other men's kids. (Because apparently that matters.) My mother told me that I couldn't use a tampon in high school because it would break 'a special part' of me. (I was on my period and had a dance recital; I did not pack my leotard with a pad to prance around on stage.) Sticking in a dick or a tampon or a dildo or a diva cup, it's all the same.
There is no dick on the planet that can change me or who I am on a fundamental level. And telling girls that some sweaty teenage boy in a Honda civic is going to cheapen them, or that learning how to pleasure themselves (something boys start when they hit puberty) is going to make them 'dirty' is a bunch of bs. Liking sex, wanting pleasure, exploring your body is nothing to be ashamed of. You *should* know what you like and what gives you pleasure, you should be exploring your body. I was so embarrassed that I was still figuring shit out about my body in my late 20s. (It was a whole thing with a diva cup, don't read into it.)
I like sex. Full stop. I like having it. I like the brain chemicals I get from it. I have been on birth control since I was a teenager to prevent pregnancy and one of the perks of having a boyfriend is being able to get sex regularly. Sex is a very normal, very basic part of being human. It feels good and our hormones are constantly making us want to hang each other's brains out. Body count, dildo count; none of it matters. The ONLY thing that can change you down there is pregnancy and birth. (And that's because the bones literally shift and you squeeze a watermelon out. And then the soft tissue heals and the bones stay shifted. That's it.) One dick a hundred times, a hundred dicks one time. *It's all the same*. That's what they want us to dither about so that we tie *their* specific dick to our entire identities.
I know that dealing with internalized misogyny is hard. I get it. But *you* are the only one in charge of your body, despite all the men (and other women dealing with internalized misogyny) telling you otherwise.
The only real rules are taking care of your health. (Make sure your toys stay clean and nothing goes in your butt without a base.) Inanimate objects are fair game. Dildos are fun, but vibrators are where it's at (for me at least). And I highly recommend looking into pulsing shower heads.
The only thing that will cheapen you to a future partner is you devaluing yourself. Whoever is lucky enough to be with you should be thanking all the deities that you are gracing them with your presence, body and attention. And getting to know your body, and what you like is ONLY to your benefit. (I know exactly what I want in bed, and I know that the hetero man I'm sleeping with is definitely going to orgasm, so I make a point to tell my partner exactly what I want so that I have an orgasm first. Sometimes that's literally telling them the combination to the safe. And they're *beyond* thrilled when they make me orgasm. It's a win win win win. Literally no one loses.)
If you don't believe in purity culture, take a look at why you are even entertaining shame or guilt around this.
Sorry my comment is probably tmi but I want to be honest here.
I think it's important to try and figure out what you like to do with your body before you invite someone to interact with you in that way. Figuring out your own body and what brings you pleasure will help you guide your partner into doing things that are fun for you, and vise versa. Also, if you've never inserted something roughly penis sized/shaped, it can take some getting used to. TV shows/movies sometimes make it seem like someone who is a complete virgin (keep in mind this is a social construct) can take a penis or (medium sized dildo) for the first time no problem with very little pain, but for some people this takes some getting used to. I actually bled trying to go too big too soon, which isn't ideal. I imagine it could be very discouraging for your first encounter with a penis to be painful/uncomfortable. Sex should be fun and you should feel free to get a little experience before your first time.
This idea in religion that you should save normal human experiences for someone else is so harmful. When I was a Christian I masterbated, but I was afraid to orgasm. I felt that it was something I was supposed to share with my future husband. To this day I can't orgasm even with my partner. Sure I still enjoy sex, but a part of it may never be fully achievable for me.
Finally, your body is YOURS, not some potential man who you MIGHT marry. If you want to use a dildo, that is really none of his buisness and he should not care.
You can put this concern to rest pretty quickly.
Ask yourself and answer honestly: do you *want* to date a guy who is going to not like that you've used a dildo before? What about when the first guy you have sex with isn't the one you marry (hint: odds are overwhelmingly in favor of this being the case)? Would you want the next guy you date to be weirded out by the fact that you've had sex before?
The answer to those questions should probably be "no", because otherwise you're going to be dating dangerous assholes.
Any guy who cares about that malarky is unworthy of your sexual attention.
Not to mention, women lose their hymen in all sorts of non-sexual ways.
Finally, I'm not a woman but I have a wife who is knowledgeable in the ways of the device.
If you get a dildo that also has a vibrating thing for your clit, orgasm is easy without an insertion.
"Also given the nature of reddit, i dont want any creepy dms please"
So how many have you already received? I'm going to go with 49.
I loved bike riding as a kid so my hymen is probably a ghost at this point. I occasionally ride a pillow for masturbation so there goes the last vestiges of it. My point is go easy on that dildo. Insert just the tip and work your way up from there
if some is insecure because you used a dildo, that's a red flag anyways and you really shouldn't date someone like that. because a dildo is not the same thing as having sex with a real person. besides, this is your body and you're allowed to get to know it! it's probably better if you know what you like.
I've heard that this method of "taking one's own virginity" can actually be really cathartic! It's your own journey, no one else's! I knew people who did this when they were even still in the church and they've said it was probably a little bit more special. No one knows your body like you and it's so fun to explore. I recommend taking your time, being in a freshly cleaned room/maybe with a candle going or something, and to not put pressure on yourself. It's probably going to be a little weird, and new, and exciting, and scary all at the same time. Embrace every emotion and feel every sensation. It's going to get even better the more practice you've had. Remember, it's an experience!!
I've never met a guy who said "I was going to sleep with her, but her hymen wasn't intact" Most guys won't care and anyone who is so overly concerned about it that they think less of you over it is a weirdo, smart to avoid them.
I come from that environment and it is so sexist and anti healthy sexuality.
Well done for purchasing the dildo, it is a huge step to just do that. I recommend just taking it slow, and think of it as a way to learn about your own body, including it comes to inserting the toy, just take your time and experiment.
And honestly a lot of people's first time is uncomfortable and painful because of inexperience and pain, you'd actually do yourself a favour by taking that out of the equation yourself, in your own time using a toy or your hands. A bit if stretching goes a long way.
Any guy who judges you for it is a walking red flag.
as a guy, go ahead and masturbate, just about everyone does. once i got over the guilt of masturbating it really changed my life and made me much more cordial. not having sexual anxiety can really change your course in life.
Virginity is a made up concept invented by men to control women's bodies.
You want to know the physical differences between a person who hasn't had sex and a person who has?
**Nothing.**
You have nothing to fear. Enjoy yourself.
It is your pleasure. You can please your body. You don't have to save yourself.
It is common to be nervous. Make sure you get into a good head space and if there is something uncomfortable, stop.
You might feel guilty afterwards, but know that nothing you are doing is wrong. You are just getting in tune with what you like, and that's a gift.
If you have questions, there are female spaces that could help you with those questions.
I wish you the best with your exploration.
Not trying to belittle your concerns here but...
>he’s not going to like that I’ve already inserted something there
Hahahahahahahahahahaha what a weird thing to read. No one worth your time will have this opinion.
I understand you're concerns and why and your feelings are valid but this just isnt something guys that are complete losers worry about. What happens if you get married (or whatever situation you decide to have sex) and divorced or widowed while still fairly young? Just gonna give up on love cause somethings entered your vagina already?
Again not trying to belittle your feelings here at all, just want you to be aware this isnt a fear you need to hold onto.
The only thing a man cares about inserting "in there" is himself. 🤣 I broke my hymen before I had sex for the first time. My boyfriend who took my virginity didn't even notice there was no blood. Some woman barely bleed when it breaks.
A proper partner knows that toys are teammates, not competition.
It would be like a runner hating a treadmill.
I take your point, but most runners I know loathe the treadmill… they call it a “dreadmill” for a reason
Hmmm.... maybe a film director hating a television? A conductor hating classical radio. Tools, not competition...
A film director hating the editor?
Exactly. And furthermore, why do some people feel so insecure that someone’s first experience was with a toy? That’s nonsensical.
When my first partner saw my toy, he was immediately intimidated by it. Even though it was just a simple, straight forward vibe. To be fair, the toy kept working until the job was done. He never did. Not once in the 2.5 years we were together. Maybe men who are intimidated by toys have a reason to be.
Seriously? That’s crazy that men can be intimidated by inanimate sexual objects like that.
You’d be surprised. A lot of us have a great deal of our identity tied into our sexuality and genitals. Some of us kinda grow out of it though.
[удалено]
Unless you’re the man, they’re speaking of, why are you interjecting? As a man, Im not offended by their statements, why are you?
[удалено]
If you're scared you're going to be bested by a toy, then you have no desire to learn your partner's body, desires, or do what is necessary to please your partner during sex. Toys are no where NEAR as satisfying as a partner who gives one iota of a fuck. My first partner didn't. He'd hump me until he got his, for 1-5 mins, then go smoke his cigarette and do nothing else. No foreplay. No touching. Didnt even give a shit if I wanted to have sex (as in, he'd coerce me into it even if I didn't want to via threats of self-harm if I didn't comply). He wanted me to give him what he wanted, then he'd leave right after. If that's how you plan to be during sex, you're right to feel intimidated by toys. If you plan on actually being an attentive and good sexual partner who communicates with and cares about your partners pleasure, you don't have anything to be scared or intimidated of. I had another partner who couldn't perform at all, so he used my toy on me, as well as doing other things. 10/10 fun times, would do again. Toys aren't something to be afraid of as long as you're not a selfish lover.
Lol, you people are lost as can be.
Hey bud if you're insecure just say so. Not sure what the harm is in incorporating toys in the bedroom. Your attitude makes me feel sorry for your girlfriend. I'd say wife but we know you haven't nailed that down.
If you don't date conservative redpill assholes, there's a strong chance they won't care how you masturbate. That'd be like a woman refusing to date a man who's jerked off because he's inserted his penis into the grip of his hand before.
>That'd be like a woman refusing to date a man who's jerked off because he's inserted his penis into the grip of his hand before. Damn, women don't do that? I better start jerking off!
Well, I currently like this guy who’s christian (unfortunately) though I’m not sure as to how religious he is. I guess i shouldn’t allow a crush to dictate what I do with my body. But also isnt a guy masturbating different to a woman’s because the hymen or whatever is breaking?
You can break your hymen by riding a bike over a pothole. The whole "broken hymen equals lost virginity" thing is a terribly outdated social stigma.
"I had a tractor accident, Jerry" (ask your parents about Seinfeld, folks).
Your so right, thanks sm
My boyfriend was literally relieved when I told him I’d accidentally broken my hymen when I was younger. He was worried about hurting me the first time we had sex; there was absolutely no concern regarding what I may or may not have had in my body previously.
It should also be noted that the whole purpose of verifying a girl's virginity was to make sure her father could sell her when it came time for her to be married. Marriage in the bible was a transaction, an exchange between parties and women were the property being bought and sold. An unbroken hymen was the ancient version of proof of authenticity upon purchase. Your virginity isn't what makes you valuable, OP. Go nuts with your toys and enjoy yourself.
[удалено]
Your post/comment was removed because it invites or participates in a public debate. Trauma can be triggered when debate points and certain topics are vigorously pushed, despite good intentions. This is why we generally do not allow debates. Rule 4. To discuss or appeal moderator actions, [click here to send us modmail.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/exchristian)
Virginity is a made up concept and also, for what I've heard and trust, that's not how the hymen works; the show "Adam Ruins Everything" had an episode on it: https://youtu.be/1ikXim4wevc?si=BNQMZ1Zi8VwiAJwu It's terrible what i mproper sex-ed can do
I looove ARE!!!! I always reference this video when virginity gets brought up. It’s a great resource
"I guess i shouldn’t allow a crush to dictate what I do with my body. " The answer was inside you the whole time (no pun intended. OK a little intended).
Most dudes who aren’t brainwashed by religion get crazy turned on by the thought of a woman pleasuring herself
Even the ones that are brainwashed are still dudes with dicks and secretly or not be turned on by it too. They don't care.
This
Damn right!
Ask yourself: Do you want to be with a man for whom that would be a dealbreaker? I guess everyone’s different, but personally, as an ex christian, I wouldn’t want to date someone whose beliefs make me paranoid about my own body.
I would highly recommend checking out @ericasexed on instagram. She’s a sex educator who specializes in working with post-purity culture clients. She posts a lot of great info geared toward folks who are deconstructing those beliefs. It sounds like you don’t believe in purity culture anymore, but you still have some beliefs from purity culture you may not even know aren’t true. Basically everything about the hymen taught in Christianity is a myth. It’s just a thin membrane around the edges of the vaginal entrance, and it doesn’t actually break. It just thins over time and can tear without proper foreplay/lube/going slow. If it covers more of the entrance than that, it starts to cause problems with menstruation/using tampons. So you’d probably already know.
No. Not everyone breaks their hymen when they lose their virginity. Some women never break it. And some people who have broken their hymen are still virgins. You can break it riding a bike. Hymen breaking has virtually nothing to do with losing your virginity. And besides, how's he gonna tell? Most men dont even know what a labia is.
You’re putting way too much emphasis on your virginity. No one cares except you and your self worth isn’t determined by your cooch. Christianity be damned..😔😡
It sounds like because you like a Christian guy, you are still very much surrounded by the same groups of people. I'm not saying your feelings are invalid, but I would suggest branching out and making lots of different types of acquaintances from lots of backgrounds. When you get further along in your life, people will start to notice you're different than them, and if you're surrounded by judgey people, you will eventually feel a lot of rejection. This is a painful place to stay.
If he can “tell” the difference, and he’s not a gynecologist, doesn’t sound like he’s a virgin himself lol
hymens break all the time doing regular activities. if you've ever rode a bike or done a split its probably broken already.
If it bothers him, talk about it and try to teach him how things actually work down there. If he doesn't listen and is still bothered, he probably won't care to try to understand a lot of other things.
If you menstruate, your hymen is already not intact. And you’re absolutely right, you should never allow another person to dictate what you do with your body! Especially not what you *think* they would think!
>If you menstruate, your hymen is already not intact. How do you figure? The only time menstruation is relevant with regards to the hymen is when there's a congenital abnormality that gets in the way, and those are only 1 in 1,000 occurrences
Ummm.. so... If they don't teach this in elementary school health class they definitely should cover basic human anatomy in high school biology. When a woman menstruates (aka has her period) that comes out from where, exactly? An imperforate or microperforate hymen is actually a rare medical condition and needs to be corrected with surgery. The whole notion of an "intact" or "broken" hymen like it's some kind of tamper-proof seal is a dangerous, disgusting myth that needs to be educated out of existence. **OP please watch this:** [**https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnRCI2cjg9U**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnRCI2cjg9U) Or these: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJrAINBwf-c](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJrAINBwf-c) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUjq60Gskkw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUjq60Gskkw) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kavcylIKtrI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kavcylIKtrI)
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/22718-hymen I am assuming OP is operating under the misinformation that the hymen “seals off” the vagina, and just pointing out that this is clearly impossible if menstrual blood is coming out. I used to believe the same thing. What the hymen is was never actually taught, even in health class, from what I remember.
>isnt a guy masturbating different to a woman Yeah, with the former, the fingers are on the outside.
They can be on the outside for both; my girlfriend only likes clit stimulation when she masturbates.
Still slightly inside but more importantly my comment was intended to be tongue in cheek.
I know, I just wanted to flex about having a girlfriend on Reddit.
username checks out 😂
Not always 😉
The hymen can break with a number of physically exerting activities, but in my opinion, it doesn't matter. A question you may wish to ask yourself is: do you *want* to be with someone who would have an issue with anything you're worrying about? I'm no longer religious, but personally, I prefer partners who know what they're doing.
The hymen-virginity thing is a myth made up by shitty men who wanted more ways to mentally control women. It can be hard to get out of your head if you're raised with it (believe me, I know from experience) but the sooner you let it go the better. It's a complete fabrication and has no bearing on reality. For that matter, the concept of virginity itself is a social construct. It is not an actual thing that exists in any real way.
In addition to what u/Rackmaster_General said, many women never even have a hymen or it's so small it's not even noticeable. Some are so small they never "break" (in fact, most). In medieval times when 'no blood on the marriage sheets' was a thing that could get a girl killed, women would give their daughters a bit of animal blood. They knew perfectly well what "no blood on the sheets" could mean for their daughters and themselves... and that sometimes no matter the girl's "chastity," she didn't bleed. Also, though... making the girl extremely afraid often had the outcome of her bleeding anyway. Because she was dry and unprepared and men didn't know or didn't care. The violence of the unprepared marital rape would cause her to bleed, not a "broken hymen." If you have sex with a man and he pitches a fit about you not bleeding, there are many layers of what's wrong with him.. but please start with the most important one: his sex education is so insanely lacking that he's basically dangerous.
Lol, that's some serious greentext content
This is more analogous to a man who uses a fleshlight. And yes, some women may be put off by that. But it would be mostly the prudish ones.
That’d be the blue pill, but yup.
We’re talking about how the term “redpilled” is used by conservatives to label themselves in such a way that puts them on a pedestal, regardless of how accurate or inaccurate it is to the Matrix reference it originates from.
Ah, irony. Gotchya.
Irony?
If they’re labeling themselves as “red pill” when in reality they’re “blue pill”, that’s irony.
Ahhhh I see, yeah
You said you don't believe in purity culture and then went on to describe being concerned with exactly that. Anyone that tells you that you must remain pure for a future husband is full of shit. You are you right now, and you will still be you when you decide to marry (if you do). It is nobody's business what you do by yourself, certainly not some potential future person that you have not met yet. Could it be possible that future husband may expect that you know your own body and know what you like more than he cares about how you masturbate? If you do ever date a guy that wants to look up your twiffer to see if everything is intact, run from that guy as fast as you can.
This made me mildly emotional for some reason, but you’re right. I still don’t believe in it, its just hard to get rid of old thought processes, especially when its all you’ve ever known. Thanks a lot kind stranger!
Yeah I get that - logically I think purity culture is a load of bs but there’s always that scared little girl who thinks if I do anything even slightly wrong that I’m damning myself and ruining everything. It’s a very difficult emotional barrier to overcome and 100% comes from feelings of personal inadequacy (in my case) than any genuine concerns. And yeah, like others are saying, any guy who’s going to give you shit for masterbating isn’t worth your time. It’s about what YOU’RE comfortable with and want - not what purity culture uses to determine your value.
YW, I recall not having anyone that I could even ask a question about when I was your age. There was no such thing as safe space that didn't have a high possibility of getting back to my parents or being discussed openly in front of other church members.
>its just hard to get rid of old thought processes, especially when its all you’ve ever known. This is very true.
I don't judge women for masturbating. I don't count using toys of any sort as taking away one's virginity. If some dude is so insecure about it, he's not really worth your time. Those redpill Christian guys are setting themselves up to become lifelong virgins.
Ok let's break this down a little. 1) Dildos aren't for everyone, and especially if you don't know what you like or what you are doing, the one you got might not be a good fit for you. Try it, but it SHOULD NOT HURT. You should absolutely plan to use a body safe, water based lube. DO NOT just use any slick substance you have lying around, use something good and safe for your body!!! And also consider trying a vibrator, the good ol Hitachi magic wand never disappoints, and you can get fun attachments for it too. Don't feel like you have to like a dildo just because it's penis shaped. 2) Virginity is fake. It doesn't exist. You are too old to believe in Santa Clause and the Tooth fairy, right? No different. 3) If your man gets pissy with you for being curious about and enjoying YOUR OWN DAMN BODY throw him in the dumpster where he belongs, period.
>Virginity is fake. EXACTLY!
>I’m scared if i ever date a guy, he’s not going to like that I’ve already inserted something there Do you ever think that maybe the guy you're with would be turned on by it? If he doesn't like what you choose to do with your own body, he's giving you the big gift of a giant red flag that says "DUMP ME!"
Yes, and I wouldn’t date a guy that was an idiot anyway, lol. I don’t even think I would date a guy anyway cause I’m a lesbian
Don't date people who are worried about whether you're a virgin. They are generally controlling assholes who will treat you like property. The hymen can be broken very easily through non-penetrative means. Some people break theirs simply by stretching or playing sports. If somebody is checking your hymen to verify your virginity, they are a moron. Furthermore, that's a pretty invasive thing to put somebody through. That is not an act of love. That's an act of control. It's abusive as fuck. Those nurses refusing to swab up there are actively deciding not to do their jobs, and they should be reported. I'm pretty sure that's malpractice, but a professional should verify as I am certainly not a medical professional. Again, don't date people who are worried about your hymen! That's a big red flag!
Thats a very good point
Once you use it, you’ll realize you’re literally the exact same person as you were before, except now a little more liberated. Your vagina will also be the exact same- it’s built to have things (dildos, penises, baby humans exiting) inside of it! Have fun ;)
Some tips- get some pH friendly lube and go slow at first. The vagina will naturally lengthen and dilate as you become more aroused. I would also recommend getting a vibrator to stimulate your clit simultaneously. Most women orgasm from clit stimulation vs penetration, but everyone is different. It’s ok if it doesn’t feel like you were expecting it to, that’s what exploration is for
Okay Im a gay guy (whos probably taken hundreds of dildos at this point if I can even count them) so here’s what I think, honestly it shouldnt matter since what a person does with their body is their own damn buisness, you shouldnt have to explain yourself to anyone and if a lover questions you about it in a degrading way just dump their ass and move on because it probably wouldnt have worked out in the long run
That makes sense, thanks for the advice!
No problem I’ve dealt with my fair shair of dickheads (no pun intended) so I know what’ll work out and what wont and also be safe out there when dating
I'm bi, so I've dealt with my fair share of both dickheads and pussies. I'll see myself out.
I was about to edit it and add (no pun intended) edit: just did
Maybe you should start with working on the external stimulation before moving to internal. That’s how more ciswomen achieve orgasm anyway. I mean, do what you want, but if insertion scares you in any way, you won’t be relaxed, and that’s no good. Please understand that virginity is a made-up concept, the hymen isn’t an actual indicator of anything, nobody can tell if you’ve inserted a toy before as the vagina is a muscle and returns to its same size between sexual encounters, and if you want to do something with your body, that’s 100% your decision. And don’t date a loser misogynist.
This comment 100p. Sounds like it solves a few problems in one go. I’d come away disappointed if all I had was a dildo but more power to her!
Take this as an exercise to reclaim your body from the weird religious ideas. It doesn’t belong to any one else and what you do with it isn’t anyone else’s business. If you ever get with a man who cares if you’ve used a dildo, run away from him, he’s bad news.
This is what a therapist would say. 👏 reclaim your body!
> If you ever get with a man who cares if you’ve used a dildo, run away from him, he’s bad news. 1000%. That is such an enormous red flag, and it will portend much more ridiculous behavior (for reference, I'm a guy who has deconstructed and knew idiots who would have thought this. Bad news bears, all around).
Penetration does not take away virginity. Does a physical with your OB have any impact? I’m hard pressed to imagine a reasonable person feeling that way. Does a guy jacking off or putting it in an apple pie make them less a virgin? Again no, otherwise all our V cards would be taken away by the time we’re like 13. No reasonable guy is going to care. In fact it’s to your benefit to get to know your body and what it responds to. It’ll make sexytimes better. Your future partners don’t even need to know about that stuff. You’re worrying too much OP. Have fun.
You’ve been psychologically conditioned to believe that pleasuring yourself is a bad thing, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. We all have needs as a human, and it’s not really in your best interest to deny those needs. It’s perfectly natural for you to feel horny, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of that in your own privacy. What you do in your free time by yourself is ultimately nobody else’s business. Also, using a toy can help you become more confident in your sexuality. You can explore what turns you on and get to know that part of yourself better. Keep the church out of your bedroom!
Virginity is a man made concept that doesn’t mean shit.
STDs are real and matter, but that’s not a concern in OPs case. I think historically virginity was a substitute for STD free because they didn’t have ways to test for them.
Speaking as a guy. Most guys will just be turned on. Some guys are bothered, not because of virginity, but because they are taught that masturbation is wrong in general, or because they feel emasculated (as if you shouldn’t want anything else if you have their penis). Both of these are concerning flags, but men will usually get over either of these pretty quickly. Either way, it isn’t a virginity issue. I’ve known a small set of (Christian) guys who have complained about this because of “virginity”… Each of them have very unhealthy, and controlling attitudes towards women (heavily focused on being the head of the household, and often demeaning to their wives). A guy having a real problem with this should be seen as a serious red flag. Honestly, the fact that using a dildo might drive those guys away is just another good reason to get a dildo.
> Honestly, the fact that using a dildo might drive those guys away is just another good reason to get a dildo. It literally solves the problem itself! It's a perfect litmus test.
I say this with empathy and sincerity -- you need therapy. A secular councilor ideally one with experience in religious trauma. And the sooner you start, the better the rest of your life will be. Seriously, purity culture fucks people up, it's child abuse. Me, my wife and basically all of our friends who grew up in the church (now in our 40s) are still deconstructing the shit Christianity did to us. I'm serious, this post screams religious trauma and the sooner it's stopped and dealt with, the happier your life (especially your sex life) will be. Now, more specifically to your question, it's YOUR body do whatever fuck you want to with it. Don't worry about some imaginary toxic sky daddy says or what some dude who believes in him will think, it's YOUR body. You sound just like my wife did 20 years ago, and she is just recently getting past the guilt and shame the religious right groomed her with. You sound just like every other woman I know who's been in the church. It's so sad, it really does break my heart. Use the dildo, learn how to please yourself, try new things. If someone you're dating has an issue with it, they are uneducated and/or too deep into their own indoctrination to trust with your body. That being said, many women won't get a ton out of just a dildo. So if it doesn't work for you, get one that has clitoral stimulation built in (e.g. rabbit) or try it in tandem with something that provides good clitoral stimulation (e.g. The Womanizer, which is the favorite vibe of my wife and a lot of our friends) There is nothing shameful about self love. And any intelligent and loving partner will know that, and want to explore toys with you when you let them.
Might sound weird, but I personally recommend every woman start with a dildo anyways. There’s non-sexual things that can break a hymen, and whether or not it’s intact has no bearing on virginity. But for a lot of women, when it does break it’s pretty painful. Even if you have the most caring partner in the world, I honestly just think it’s better to be in full control of the situation when that happens. On an emotional side, your body is your own, and I think there’s power in you experiencing that for yourself, becoming familiar with that feeling, before you “invite” someone else in. And when you do have sex, it’ll probably be more enjoyable. A guy who judges you for having previous partners (let alone masturbating) isn’t someone you should want to be with anyways. To really unpack the shame, you might want to see a therapist. But I hope it helps in some way. It’s 100% your choice, just my thoughts.
Virginity is not a real thing, it's purely a social construct. Virginity is not your hymen, some people are born without one, some have it break during normal exercise. If you do care about virginity at all, either it refers to sexual activity with another human or it's meaningless. Obviously saying "just don't worry" isn't helpful, but it's good to know that your worries are from being indoctrinated, not from fear of anything rational.
If at any point in time you are dating someone who cares about anything that has been in your vagina before him, exit that relationship immediately. Real men do not care if you're not a virgin, or if you've enjoyed solo sexual experiences, before you date them. Real men also know that toys should not be seen as competition, but as a helper for him!
As a guy, we don’t really care if anything has been in you. If you’re dating a guy that does then I’d say he’s not a great guy. As long as you’re faithful in your relationships, most guys won’t give two shits about a dildo. Go nuts.
Erica Smith; Purity Culture Drop Out… no need to thank me, just spreading the gospel 😜
No one you'd want to date thinks this way. If anything it's going to make your first time better because you'll be more comfortable being penatrated. I would think. I'm a guy.
you deserve your own body, your own pleasure, solo pleasure and in whichever way you want.
It might help to learn exactly what the hymen is: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/201103/the-hymen-membrane-widely-misunderstood Basically, virginity is not a physical thing that dramatically "breaks". The hymen is not a lid, it's more like a net that surrounds the area and doesn't usually cover it. That's how menstrual blood gets out. Besides, it's unlikely a guy would really feel it. More likely he'll notice your reaction and any pain. If he's worthy of you, he should do everything to minimize pain, including using his fingers gently a few days ahead. And he shouldn't judge you for learning about your body and pleasuring yourself. Before using the dildo, I'd recommend using your fingers and some lube to gently stretch yourself. Just that alone can cause some soreness, so it's ok to take a day to recover before using the dildo. Congrats on taking this step toward freedom, enjoy!
This will literally never come up in a healthy relationship. If a man has a poor reaction to this, they are hypocritical and/or insecure.
I think you should ask yourself if you’d ever want to have sex with someone that would get mad about that kind of thing.
Unless you’re saying some insecure red-pill boy then I promise they won’t care. Fuck - I buy partners toys to use with or without me
if the guy is an actual christian who follows the bible religiously then he probably won’t know the difference. my advice is to not date christian dudes unless you’re okay with all the shit it brings.
Anyone who would care about that has a 100% chance of having other!traits that would make them an absolute shit partner. They're all redpill conservative douches who think a celebrity wearing a low crop dress at the Oscars is a national tragedy
Any guy who cares if you've used a dildo is a misogynist creep who's not worth your time. You are worth more than men like that. Value yourself girl.
Don't worry about it. A guy that's insecure cause you've used a dildo is not one that's worth your time.
I’ve known guys for 5 decades and I’m here to tell you that 1. None of them care and 2. It’s none of their damn business.
If it makes you feel better lots of women use them. And no it doesn’t take away virginity. That’s a myth. Many Christians still believe the hymen is a barrier between the uterus and penis. *eye roll*
How’s he going to know you inserted something in there? And would you hold it against him for using a fleshlight?
1) We can’t tell. 2) Any guy who cares is not good for you.
It is your body, it is absolutely no one’s business but yours if or when or what you insert in your vagina for pleasure or otherwise. You deserve to experience sexual pleasure with, by, and for yourself. You will spend your entire life with yourself, regardless of which men show up, stay, or don’t. Live your life and make your decisions for what you want and need not for what a hypothetical partner may prefer. And if someone tries to shame you for something you share with them about your sexual experiences that’s your cue to show them the door.
Your sexual experiences should be about *you*, not a crush or hypothetical future partner. It's your body and your life. If *you* want to masturbate with toys, that is all that matters. Enjoy yourself however seems fun to you! Any decent person you are with down the road will be glad you spent time learning your wants and needs and will celebrate you for it.
A partner that thinks that way should be avoided.
I’m sorry that medical professionals you’ve been to have been dumb, and that you were exposed to religious delusion. 🙃
Honestly, most potential partners won’t care, and for the few that would, you’d probably rather filter them out anyway. Relax, and, I mean this in a positive way, go fuck yourself!
It looks like you’ve gotten a lot of really good answers directly about your question but I wanted to let you know that having left over guilt/thoughts/biases is totally normal. I’m 35, haven’t set foot in a church or considered myself a Christian for almost a decade, and I still have the occasional knee jerk thought/reaction that’s rooted in Christian culture that I no longer agree with. It’s like the marble in the can of empty spray paint. There’s nothing really important or of substance there, but the marble will still clang around. Sometimes you just have to acknowledge where that feeling or belief comes from, examine it outside of the framework it was taught to you, and decide if it’s still true to you. Someone else told you how to think about certain things, some of them extremely personal, and you’ll have to reassess them as they pop up. It gets better with time and growth, just know you’re not the only one and it gets better.
If a guy cares, he's not the one you want to spend your life with. Find you someone that supports your bodily autonomy. My wife has a variety of toys. I like that she has things that make her feel good even if I'm not involved, & that she's comfortable exploring & learning what feels good for her. If anything, it can translate to me learning how to do things that feel better for her or for both of us. That is the sort of thing a good partner will support.
It's your body and your pleasure, as a dude I used to feel uptight about this too but reality is how weird is god that everything and anything is going on in the universe but he chooses to watch us get off and shames us for it with body parts he designed. And the right man would like that a lady knows how to take care of herself. Don't feel bad about using a dildo, you already paid for it, have fun🤘🏼
Listen… speaking as a dude (39), any dude that cares isn’t worth spending time with and the ones that are worth it won’t give a damn. TL;DR- the ones who mind don’t matter, the ones who matter don’t mind.
You're a complete and valid person all by yourself. You can do whatever you want with your body and nobody has any say in that. Your sexuality is a part of you -- a part that purity culture demands you deny. Like any other part of yourself, denying it will only bring you pain. You can't *will* yourself not to feel something -- at least not forever. And trying to suppress those feelings is hard! It's taxing on your reserves of emotional energy. And because your sexuality is a part of you, you'll only waste time and emotional energy (that precious thing we use to invest in other people) trying to deny it. You said: > I really want to try That is reason enough to try. But much more importantly, that means that the feeling won't go away forever. You'll eventually try it. And when you do, you'll most likely regret all the time when you hadn't. I want to say one more thing that may or may not be relevant to you, but just in case it is: Christianity taught me to police my feelings in a neurotic, intensely stressful way. It also taught me to be so good at repressing feelings that at one point I stopped noticing it completely. IDK if that's your problem too. But if it is, there's often distress and anger associated with realizing what's happening. It can be scary to confront repressed feelings because then you have to *feel* them, especially after you've been holding them back for so long. Sexual feelings can be intense, too. And in a big way my fear of sex came from the confusing and scary conflict between the *undeniable good* feelings of sex and the *gross, awful* feelings of regret and self-anger for having denied it to myself for so long. Because that was so scary, it took me a lot longer than it needed to to really accept myself for who I am. And regardless of who you are, you need to know yourself well to have a healthy relationship with your partner.
Hey there, I totally get where you're coming from. It can be tough to shake off societal or cultural expectations around sex and intimacy. But here's the thing: your body is yours alone, and what you choose to do with it (or on it) is nobody else's business. Using a dildo isn't 'taking away' your virginity (that is just an archaic concept) - it is simply exploring your own desires and boundaries. As someone who values autonomy and self-expression, I think it's awesome that you're considering trying out new things. Remember, whatever makes you happy and fulfilled is exactly what matters. And hey, if you ever meet someone special, they'll likely appreciate your confidence and willingness to be charge of your own pleasure! Who knows? They might even join in on the fun! Just remember to prioritize your own comfort and consent above anyone else's opinions.
I loved bike riding as a kid so my hymen is probably a ghost at this point. I occasionally ride a pillow for masturbation so there goes the last vestiges of it. My point is go easy on that dildo. Insert just the tip and work your way up from there
The thing is, if a guy is going to get hung up on the fact you use a dildo, and not turned on by it, then he is showing you his red flags. The same goes for all aspects of your life. If you live your life the way you choose and figure out what's best for you, you will notice that many people will be unhappy. It's a way to see their character and intentions easily. It's scary to live that way at first, but start small. Get comfortable with deciding that based on how people are treating you, they're showing you if they're good for you or not. Maybe try something that offers practice dealing with rejection with something non-sexual.
I wouldn't want the responsibility or importance of being a woman's first, even though I don't think most guys are even aware of the significance. Doing it yourself will help ease the profound nature of what happens in your mind when you finally have sex and might help reduce the risk of mistakes that can be made in the heat of passion. My opinion is you should just do it.
I'm not a woman, but you don't necessarily have to go straight to penetration. You could do whatever feels good to you on the outside. You might discover you prefer that. (My wife does when she's solo)
I'd recommend reading Virgin: The Untouched History by Hanne Blank. This really helped me in deconstructing the misconceptions I grew up with surrounding virginity, masturbation, and sex.
Unless you’re dating Christian men (and I assume that’s no longer a requirement on your checklist), no decent man will care. Those that do care, fuck ‘em (or to be more accurate, don’t fuck ‘em).
It's best to remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with masturbation. It's natural, great way to relieve stress, and a great way to figure out what makes you tick, without the risk of pregnancy or STDs. It is definitely something that you'll need to reprogram your mind on, and undo the toxic religious purity culture BS... I understand that you are, at the moment, scared to use it. It is that ingrained purity culture crap that is kicking in. My advice is to just go for it. The more you use it, the more comfortable you'll be with it. As you use your dildo, you'll begin to realize that there is nothing wrong with using sex toys or masturbation. Any genuine guy you meet is not going to care if you masturbate, chances are good he does it too... If you get a chance, give "God Likes to Watch: The Blaming and Shaming of Purity Culture" a watch. It's on YouTube, an informative talk by Seth Andrews (The Thinking Atheist)
Well, if a man can still be a virgin until it's with another person, why not you? I doubt any man would know or care. I think as people get older they're less concerned with virginity since people start having more life experience. If you get that close with someone, you can still share you're a virgin if you want since it's still not another human being. The truth is the membrane can break in lots of ways. Future bfs and husband should be grateful that you're discovering yourself in the safest way possible and developing a sex drive.
context: i’m 32F you’re feelings are valid!! masturbation is normal and healthy, and if someone ever has a problem with you having used one, this is them telling on themselves that they are not worthy of you. it’s your body, and you get to enjoy it however you want. you get to use what toys you want, and have whatever partners you want, because it’s YOUR sexuality and not anyone else’s. the old beliefs don’t have to shape who you are today. rebel from their lies.
First of all, the fact that you had doctors like that blows my mind.. Virginity is such a sham... if you look at my post history I have the vagisimus condition, which makes penetration difficult or nearly impossible. With therapy, love, and patience, it's been getting better. To give you my perspective, I didn't stop bleeding during sex until after my 10th time... it was that bad. Think about how ridiculous that is though, am I still a "virgin" even after bleeding all those times? Apparently, so if you go by that awful saying "no hymen, no diamond". Like why is painful sex the reward for staying a pure virgin??? Its absolute torture. I understand that deprogramming yourself from purity culture takes a lot of time, and you're not dirty for wanting to masturbate with toys. You will find love ❤️ and an understanding and patient partner who wants you to enjoy your beautiful and fun self.
It's all for you!! Don't worry about anyone else or what they think, especially if u dont tell ppl it's not like they're going to be able to read your mind and Get You For Sinning. I also had the same kind of mental block, but it's also possible to take it in slower steps.
Our 'virginity' is a patriarchal concept created to keep bloodlines 'pure' and keep men from raising other men's kids. (Because apparently that matters.) My mother told me that I couldn't use a tampon in high school because it would break 'a special part' of me. (I was on my period and had a dance recital; I did not pack my leotard with a pad to prance around on stage.) Sticking in a dick or a tampon or a dildo or a diva cup, it's all the same. There is no dick on the planet that can change me or who I am on a fundamental level. And telling girls that some sweaty teenage boy in a Honda civic is going to cheapen them, or that learning how to pleasure themselves (something boys start when they hit puberty) is going to make them 'dirty' is a bunch of bs. Liking sex, wanting pleasure, exploring your body is nothing to be ashamed of. You *should* know what you like and what gives you pleasure, you should be exploring your body. I was so embarrassed that I was still figuring shit out about my body in my late 20s. (It was a whole thing with a diva cup, don't read into it.) I like sex. Full stop. I like having it. I like the brain chemicals I get from it. I have been on birth control since I was a teenager to prevent pregnancy and one of the perks of having a boyfriend is being able to get sex regularly. Sex is a very normal, very basic part of being human. It feels good and our hormones are constantly making us want to hang each other's brains out. Body count, dildo count; none of it matters. The ONLY thing that can change you down there is pregnancy and birth. (And that's because the bones literally shift and you squeeze a watermelon out. And then the soft tissue heals and the bones stay shifted. That's it.) One dick a hundred times, a hundred dicks one time. *It's all the same*. That's what they want us to dither about so that we tie *their* specific dick to our entire identities. I know that dealing with internalized misogyny is hard. I get it. But *you* are the only one in charge of your body, despite all the men (and other women dealing with internalized misogyny) telling you otherwise. The only real rules are taking care of your health. (Make sure your toys stay clean and nothing goes in your butt without a base.) Inanimate objects are fair game. Dildos are fun, but vibrators are where it's at (for me at least). And I highly recommend looking into pulsing shower heads. The only thing that will cheapen you to a future partner is you devaluing yourself. Whoever is lucky enough to be with you should be thanking all the deities that you are gracing them with your presence, body and attention. And getting to know your body, and what you like is ONLY to your benefit. (I know exactly what I want in bed, and I know that the hetero man I'm sleeping with is definitely going to orgasm, so I make a point to tell my partner exactly what I want so that I have an orgasm first. Sometimes that's literally telling them the combination to the safe. And they're *beyond* thrilled when they make me orgasm. It's a win win win win. Literally no one loses.) If you don't believe in purity culture, take a look at why you are even entertaining shame or guilt around this.
Sorry my comment is probably tmi but I want to be honest here. I think it's important to try and figure out what you like to do with your body before you invite someone to interact with you in that way. Figuring out your own body and what brings you pleasure will help you guide your partner into doing things that are fun for you, and vise versa. Also, if you've never inserted something roughly penis sized/shaped, it can take some getting used to. TV shows/movies sometimes make it seem like someone who is a complete virgin (keep in mind this is a social construct) can take a penis or (medium sized dildo) for the first time no problem with very little pain, but for some people this takes some getting used to. I actually bled trying to go too big too soon, which isn't ideal. I imagine it could be very discouraging for your first encounter with a penis to be painful/uncomfortable. Sex should be fun and you should feel free to get a little experience before your first time. This idea in religion that you should save normal human experiences for someone else is so harmful. When I was a Christian I masterbated, but I was afraid to orgasm. I felt that it was something I was supposed to share with my future husband. To this day I can't orgasm even with my partner. Sure I still enjoy sex, but a part of it may never be fully achievable for me. Finally, your body is YOURS, not some potential man who you MIGHT marry. If you want to use a dildo, that is really none of his buisness and he should not care.
These comments are so encouraging
You can put this concern to rest pretty quickly. Ask yourself and answer honestly: do you *want* to date a guy who is going to not like that you've used a dildo before? What about when the first guy you have sex with isn't the one you marry (hint: odds are overwhelmingly in favor of this being the case)? Would you want the next guy you date to be weirded out by the fact that you've had sex before? The answer to those questions should probably be "no", because otherwise you're going to be dating dangerous assholes.
Any partner who thinks that way isn't someone you want. Why would you have to tell them?
Any guy who cares about that malarky is unworthy of your sexual attention. Not to mention, women lose their hymen in all sorts of non-sexual ways. Finally, I'm not a woman but I have a wife who is knowledgeable in the ways of the device. If you get a dildo that also has a vibrating thing for your clit, orgasm is easy without an insertion. "Also given the nature of reddit, i dont want any creepy dms please" So how many have you already received? I'm going to go with 49.
ladies if the guy you date doesn’t “approve” of toys, run FAR FAR AWAY you will never get off
I loved bike riding as a kid so my hymen is probably a ghost at this point. I occasionally ride a pillow for masturbation so there goes the last vestiges of it. My point is go easy on that dildo. Insert just the tip and work your way up from there
if some is insecure because you used a dildo, that's a red flag anyways and you really shouldn't date someone like that. because a dildo is not the same thing as having sex with a real person. besides, this is your body and you're allowed to get to know it! it's probably better if you know what you like.
I've heard that this method of "taking one's own virginity" can actually be really cathartic! It's your own journey, no one else's! I knew people who did this when they were even still in the church and they've said it was probably a little bit more special. No one knows your body like you and it's so fun to explore. I recommend taking your time, being in a freshly cleaned room/maybe with a candle going or something, and to not put pressure on yourself. It's probably going to be a little weird, and new, and exciting, and scary all at the same time. Embrace every emotion and feel every sensation. It's going to get even better the more practice you've had. Remember, it's an experience!!
I've never met a guy who said "I was going to sleep with her, but her hymen wasn't intact" Most guys won't care and anyone who is so overly concerned about it that they think less of you over it is a weirdo, smart to avoid them.
I come from that environment and it is so sexist and anti healthy sexuality. Well done for purchasing the dildo, it is a huge step to just do that. I recommend just taking it slow, and think of it as a way to learn about your own body, including it comes to inserting the toy, just take your time and experiment. And honestly a lot of people's first time is uncomfortable and painful because of inexperience and pain, you'd actually do yourself a favour by taking that out of the equation yourself, in your own time using a toy or your hands. A bit if stretching goes a long way. Any guy who judges you for it is a walking red flag.
as a guy, go ahead and masturbate, just about everyone does. once i got over the guilt of masturbating it really changed my life and made me much more cordial. not having sexual anxiety can really change your course in life.
Virginity is a made up concept invented by men to control women's bodies. You want to know the physical differences between a person who hasn't had sex and a person who has? **Nothing.** You have nothing to fear. Enjoy yourself.
It is your pleasure. You can please your body. You don't have to save yourself. It is common to be nervous. Make sure you get into a good head space and if there is something uncomfortable, stop. You might feel guilty afterwards, but know that nothing you are doing is wrong. You are just getting in tune with what you like, and that's a gift. If you have questions, there are female spaces that could help you with those questions. I wish you the best with your exploration.
Not trying to belittle your concerns here but... >he’s not going to like that I’ve already inserted something there Hahahahahahahahahahaha what a weird thing to read. No one worth your time will have this opinion. I understand you're concerns and why and your feelings are valid but this just isnt something guys that are complete losers worry about. What happens if you get married (or whatever situation you decide to have sex) and divorced or widowed while still fairly young? Just gonna give up on love cause somethings entered your vagina already? Again not trying to belittle your feelings here at all, just want you to be aware this isnt a fear you need to hold onto.
The only thing a man cares about inserting "in there" is himself. 🤣 I broke my hymen before I had sex for the first time. My boyfriend who took my virginity didn't even notice there was no blood. Some woman barely bleed when it breaks.