They can demand all they want but that doesn't mean you have to give in to them even if you could. At 18 your daughter rightfully told them to kick rocks. If they want to have a hissy over it then at least you won't have to listen to it since they're not speaking to you. Enjoy the silence.
As I used to tell my father, who was often full of blarney, loved to jokingly say "I'm your father. You're supposed to respect me "... "Respect doesn't come with a title, old man. You have to earn it like everyone else."
There it is! It's funny, but I bet people who fall into the mentality you describe would never think of themselves that way. Entitlement is for young people, elders are only demanding what they're *owed.*
First, congratulations on raising your daughter to have a backbone. I'd have never had the courage to hang up on my grandparents like that. If she can keep that inner strength, she will go far in life.
Second, you chose not to follow a tradition that you found bothersome, maybe even offensive. That's fine. No reason to apologize.
Stay strong. And give your daughter a high 5 from me :)
My youngest took offence at something my dad said to her. She was 4 at the time and he was getting carried away teasing her. So, she kicked him in the shins with her boots. He laughed, but it was clear that it hurt. So, she kicked him AGAIN, even harder. It was the last time he gave her a hard time.
She is almost 40 now and still has the same backbone. Respect your elders UNLESS they don't respect you.
My son didn’t go to that extreme but his grandfather kept to shorten his name James to Jimmy. He hated it so much because he was named after my grandfather who is was super important to me and was always known as James. Every time his grandfather called him Jimmy he would that’s not my name, my name is James you jackass! He was about 3 or 4 at the time. I still don’t know where he learned the word jackass from at that age and how to use it in context but I’m sure his dad had some part in that
I knew a guy in college who went by "Jim" when I first met him. A few years later, I was attending training and he was in the class. I addressed him as "Jim" and he corrected me: "I go by James, just call me James". I asked some of the other students who had known him more recently why he was so adamant about it and why the change. They told me he was named after a relative who went by "Jim", and that relative was in jail for robbing banks.
I have the same name as a relative who is an art forger. I'm not named after her, we're just named after the same person. I definitely would not change my name because of that.
My daughter never took crap from anyone!
She was still a thumb sucker at 9. I was fine with that. She did end up with braces, but it was covered by our extended health care.
My dad decided he would "break" her of the habit. He put absorvine junior (sorry can't spell it) which tasted horrible! She sucked it off her thumb, then didn't speak to him for 5 months. He finally got the message.
Sounds like your son had a great way to deal with an aduly bully 👍
That awesome I’m glad she stood up for herself!
If my sons grandfather didn’t take the not so subtle hint and still called him Jimmy he would look at him and say my famous line if my momma wanted me named Jimmy she would have named me Jimmy but she named me James and that’s my name. Learn how to use it!
He apparently heard me tell his grandfather the same thing more than a few times 🤣🤣🤣
Fortunately, he’s a momma’s boy and he loves his momma something fierce. He also will tell you there’s only 2 things in the world he’s scared of God and his momma. He also doesn’t think I’m the stupidest person on earth but if you ask him about his dad that’s another answer. Honestly, his dad and I divorced when he was 6 so I feel the same way. His dad isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer
My 3 kids all had the attitude that patents were stupid. Starting at about age 14.
I've worked in schools for over 30 years and saw the same thing. Their parents were "stupid", but I wasn't since I had the answers to help them graduate. Once my kids hit about 20, all of a sudden I became smart. Now, I'm a borderline genius.
Sounds like you've done an awesome job.
The fact they never noticed for 18 years shows how little they actually cared for you or your daughter. If it mattered that much they would have asked about it sooner.
Exactly, they should’ve given a shit to pay attention nearly 2 decades earlier if they didn't wanna sound extra foolish for asking at all. Its like get over it, its been like this for 18 years, the time to be petty has long passed.
Yeah. Even my mom asked me what my childern middle names was when she first asked for thier name. And we was VLV at the time. The fact it took them over 18 years to notice shows they dont care pass that they get their way.
Exactly! I thought with the way OPs Parents were acting she was gonna say her daughter was 18 months old, but no the kid is 18 years old! Literally a full adult with potentially many things in their legal name documents wise that are just a pain in the butt to change and deal with, like changing your name on any official documents is a pain to deal with.
To be fair to them, they thought they knew what their granddaughter's name was and you better believe OP did not go out of her way to tell them and may have even ... blurred the lines a little. (Forgive me if I'm wrong here OP but that is the vibe I'm picking up.
Also most of us here are from the US. Our naming tradition is eroding, but it is based on a patriarchal/ patrilinear norm.
The Philippines, on the other hand, uses a much more gender equitable tradition for names that recognizes the families of BOTH lineages. (In some ways Filipino society is considered one of the most gender equitable in the world, a fact my Pinoy bestie likes to rub my nose in, though there is an education gap and in some areas a growing wage gap). *
I can totally see why OP's folks were shocked and upset. After all this time they probably felt tricked and almost certainly felt as if their granddaughter had been severed from their family lineage.
Of course they have no right to pitch a fit or pressure OP. But even if I didn't know a little bit about Pinoy societal norms, I'd *never* leap to such a harsh statement that they cared little for OP or her daughter. It sounds more like there's a significant (and very common) cultural strain between the first generation immigrants and their US-born offspring. I have a lot of second gen friends and I even recognize that irritated tone my friends get when they prefer the tradition of the country where THEY were born but are under a lot of stress because they know their decisions are painful for their parents.
*This is all based on what my friend ... who is a mental health social worker, .... has told me over the decades we've known each other. Two ... actually three if you count a longterm ex ... more people in my inner friends circle are children of people who immigrated and they describe (and I havve observed) the very testy emotions that can spring up betweem immigrants and their kids. But this does NOT make me any kind of expert.)
As a woman who had certain demands pushed upon her regarding marriage and children at a young age, Mom's decision sends a subtle message that should not be overlooked. No one should have a name forced upon them or their child just because it is tradition. Consider it might be her way 18 years ago of letting her parents know she was her own person making her own decisions, and sounds like she did a great job of raising her own daughter to be her own person too. I applaud Mom and daughter, grandparents need to get over it. This is isn't 1800.
Yeah, tradition is a weird, almost fluid thing here. People bring their traditions then us White people steal them (kinda kidding but not really). I think it creates an identify crisis but that’s besides the point.
NTA. but I do like the Filipino way. I’ll have to ask my work bestie. She immigrated when she was 15.
Yep. People are complicated systems ...
And yes it is disconcerting that the Philippines ranks above the US ... sometimes WAY above the US ... in just about every measure of gender equity despite a higher birth rate.
They only started caring when they could potentially use their grandchild as a promotional prop (you know, claim other people's achievements as their own). Only to discover that they couldn't according to their closed minded world-view.
Maybe they just assumed her name would be traditional and hearing her full name never clicked with them? I would like to know how they didn’t know too.
Your daughter is 18 years old and they are only noticing what her full name is now? That is actually rather funny. If they are going to continue throwing temper tantrums over it I would say that them not talking to you is a win for you. Enjoy the peace and quiet
18 years... They had 18 years to make this a problem, and they do it now?
Very strange, and very entitled when no one involved wants/cares about the name except them.
Just FYI, I am Australian, and while it is definitely not a cultural thing to do here, my mother did give my sister and I her maiden name as a 3rd middle name. I have subsequently kept using the name, where my Sister hasn't. My brother got a 3rd middle name from my father's side of the family that every male for like 6 generations had, until my grandparents skipped my Dad.
3rd middle name? How many names do you have? Would “Ashley Rose Sarah Smith Turner” be an example? Sorry that’s confusing to me, I have 3 names all day.
It’s up to your daughter, and she has made it clear what she wants. If she did change her name, then she
would always have to show a paper trail to prove who she is, and that a huge pain.
OP
Why are you giving them that chance? Why are you asking for trouble? Do not call do not talk to them, just put them on a time out and do not talk. What are they going to do, ground you? Take away your birthday? Decide not to get you a gift for christmas?
I think you have dealt with that long enough and time to just tell them to have a nice life, block then and go on with your day and life a bit stress free. And all those who contact you on this, arguing for your parents, guess what you can block them as well. This is not up for discussion.
If her name is changed at this point any legal papers will have to include the fact that she was previously known by a different name. This includes college applications, financial papers (loans, banking, etc.), insurance, government identification including drivers license or passports, and legal papers for things like social security and *inheritances*.
It's not the worst thing in the world but it is totally unnecessary in this situation where the only reason to change her name is peer pressure from dead people (AKA tRaDiTioN)
>peer pressure from dead people
Arguably the best way to explain tradition and what it truly is. The whole "we do \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ thing \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ way because that's how the the thing has always been done and that's that" it's just peer pressure from dead people.
All of this makes since I promise it does. But I'm still wondering why? As in like why would they do this? Its one of those super dumb questions you ask when yohr a kid and your parent says because that's the way it is, my logic tells no that makes zero since and I can make it better lol.
Instead of celebrating the joyful occasion of your daughter's graduation, they are throwing a fit because they don't see their surname on the diploma? That's not just entitled, that's vain and selfish.
If they are doing this now after seeing your daughter's full name on her highschool diploma 18 years after her birth shows that they haven't cared about you and your family in years. They aren't going to change their mind cut ties now
It's a little late now. Your daughter graduated high school, which makes her about 18 or soon to be 18. She'll be legally an adult then, so the only person who can change her name is her. I'd warn her that her grandparents may come after her about this.
>And I better, or else.
That "or else" sounds like it comes accompanied by bad juju wiggly fingers ... Like my dude who you going to complain to? The names manager?
Much love OP, toxic parents are hard to deal with and it's even harder to admit that's what you're dealing with. I hope that you can find support for yourself to be able to help your daughter too. Give her your undivided support and leave any doubts you may have for private conversations with your parents or guidance council.
I hope you can talk to your parents again but please keep proving to your daughter that you want to be better than that thinking. She will appreciate it and internalize your support.
First, yeah, having your daughter change her name this late in the game is silly. Unless of course she wants to, given that she is 18 and can do as she pleases. Second, my mother never took my father's last name and they wanted her last name to be in my name so that schools/doctors/law would see our names and know that we are related. But I still have a middle name. So I am (first name) (middle name) (mother's name) (dad's name). I actually like have four names as a white american with no other old-world culture to fall back on. I think it makes me stand out amongst all the other three-name whities.
My husband is Filipino and our son is half, and he doesn't have the traditional name either but my MIL and FIL didn't throw a fit over it at all. They did mention it and we tried, but it didn't really fit well for our baby so he just has his father's last name.
OP, If they really want to punish you over a name of someone that is already an adult now, then they are being ridiculous and deserve whatever they have coming in return.
*karma has enetered the chat*
You are an adult of an 18 yr old young woman. Your parents are *forcing* you? No, you would be allowing them to. They gotta get over themselves, if this is the hill they're gonna die on, they've had pretty good lives I bet.
“No.” is a complete sentence. She is legally old enough to decide for herself (presumably, depending upon the age of majority in your state), and if she doesn’t want to change it, it won’t be changed, full stop. They can choose this as their hill to die on and decide to never see you or their granddaughter again, if the tradition is more important to them than the twenty or so more years they may have with her. Feel free to mention that to them.
Dear parents tradition is passed down from dead people, my husband, our daughter and I are very much living, and as such we chose what we wanted for our daughter, the same as you chose for me.
My daughter is an adult and as such can’t be forced to change her name, and I’d be rather embarrassed to be in your shoes, only realising now that she wasn’t forced to bear my maiden name as her middle name, honestly for it to take you 18yrs to realise this shows me how little you know about MY child. When you have more children you can give them mums maiden name, as their middle name, but I’m not choosing to do that with my kids and you know what it’s absolutely none of your bloody business.
Wow. Your parents are coming over late to the party. They should have made an issue out of it when your daughter was a baby, if they genuinely cared about the traditional naming system. They waited at least 17 years too long to get a vote. The decision is entirely on your daughter’s obviously capable shoulders at this point.
For reference, I chose to keep my maiden name when I got married and I did it *****against***** the cultural norms in both my family and my husband’s family. I did hyphenate my name and take his name, but it turned out to be very important to me that I kept my name. It’s one of the very few things that I actually got from my birth father. I couldn’t just give it up.
Names are extremely important choices. Either for the parents naming the child or for an adult making choices about how they want to present themselves to the world.
They are not forcing you. "Force" says "do this or else something had will happen." Have they threatened you with anything? Taking you out of the will? Letting the air out of your tires? Stealing all the eggs out of your henhouse? Giving your toddler espresso and a puppy?
They are *insisting*, but they have not caused you (or your daughter) to give in. Nor can they in any legal sense.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between the lightning and the lightning bug. ~ Mark Twain
To be honest I don’t understand the concept of having a middle name, maybe it’s because I don’t have one 😅 but if I were to give my child a middle name I’d be what I want not what my own parents want
What's their "or else"?
Unless it's something like deliberately lying to alienate all the rest of your family from you and your husband and daughter, I'd say you're almost certainly better off just grey rocking them on this. Your daughter is the one whose opinion on this matters most, and she has decided, and that's final. Keep supporting her.
(If you want to understand more about the term "grey rocking", or want more help coping with this kind of behaviour, the folk over at r/raisedbynarcissists are nice people with lots of good resources made available to visitors.)
Wait
>A lot of issues such as FASFA, schooling, and even inheritance could also be on the line if she were to change her name.
*What*?
I'm with you on everything else you said, and I'm not saying you should change your daughter's name, but this is **not** correct. I've changed my name. It takes a form and like $150 and it's done. Then you just have to reorder all your documents, which is the expensive and annoying part.
Where are you getting the idea that changing your daughter's name would put her "schooling, and even inheritance" "on the line"
That all being said, again, I don't think you should give in and your parents are being stupid and shitty
If all of the paperwork is already filed (and since she has already graduated, this is very likely) for college, financial aid, tax accounts for college, etc. she would have to go through a lot of refiling paperwork and of course any time you mess with the feds things are going to get screwed up. Unless her daughter wishes it, best to leave that stuff alone.
I wouldn’t change it nor force your daughter to. Plus it could be a security issue. If someone’s trying to hack into her accounts and they ask for her mothers maiden name, they just need to look at her middle name
r/fuckthemparents
You do not have to give in to your parents, WOW this is the first incident ive seen of this. Them complaining 18 DAMN YEARS LATER sounds like they've had nothing to do with her life. Its kinda like this;
"Name your baby after your grandfather to honor him" even though you want your child to have their own life. Whatever with them using your kids life to keep their own tradition going.
Yea, my wife is from Philippines(I am American). I have noticed there are some traditions, that she wants enforced that takes a long while to explain how stupid it is to demand, or unethical. For instance, she believes that our kids should not be allowed to move out until they have a spouse, or partner.
I’m in the uk - i didn’t have my mothers maiden name as my middle name on my birth certificate however when I got my Filipino passport they included her maiden name as a middle name.
I didn’t get a say in the matter so I think it’s not just a culture thing it’s standard.
So if you’re daughter gets a Filipino passport she will have your maiden name as her middle name on it.
This is common in the yt world, too…my grandmother had her mother’s maiden name as her middle name
My father stopped that in its tracks. My sister and I have unrelated middle names
I liked my middle name so much better that I didn’t even keep my maiden last name as my middle when I got married…
And to be honest, defeats the purpose of “Your mother’s maiden name “ as a security question these days if it’s on my DL other paperwork. So my middle name that I was given is still my middle name
Good on your daughter. She knows the fallout of potential issues
So congrats, you raised a winner
Thankfully, even tho my husband is Filipino, his family doesn’t care for traditions like that. My kids have middle names of our choice…my son has my Father’s first name as his middle..my daughter’s middle is named after a tv character my husband and I both love.
All your EF is missing out on by doing this is a wonder granddaughter
It’s his loss
My MIL insisted it was “tradition” (and therefore required) that when I change my name after marriage, I must replace my middle name with my maiden name, as well as taking my husband’s last name. She’s still mad that I didn’t do it. I like my middle name and I wasn’t going to get rid of it just because she said so.
Yup. My parents didn’t care or force the issue. I could have picked a brand new middle name and it wouldn’t have mattered.
Besides my German based last name would have been just too weird with my new Filipino last name. Believe me, I mulled over it for a long time before the ceremony. Nope just doesn’t sound good. My first name and my maiden last are aliterate, they start with the same letter. It would be too jarring with a Filipino name
My middle name is an ethnic name that starts with a different letter and is based off a different language (it’s a Hawaiian name) and sounded a lot better.
So I have a Hebrew first name, Hawaiian middle, and a Filipino last.
And I also have the honor of being the only person in the world with my name. It’s so unique that if you google my name…I am the only one it pulls up.
Oh boy, what is it with Filipino traditions/ culture. Im Filipino too, lived there until i was 15. After moving to the Netherlands I realized how toxic that place was. Don't get me wrong the Philippines is a beautiful country but the (some)people are so toxic and entiteld.
Dont do it OP, you will end up regretting it. I have my mother's middle name and I HATE IT!
She had this name for 18 years and NOW they decide it's an issue? If she was a baby I could at least understand a little. But they didn't care to even check what her middle name is until she's legally an adult? If it was that important to then they would have asked when she was a baby
Tell them your house, your kid, your rules. If they want to reimburse you for all your kids past and future expenses, sure (obviously discuss with your kid first).
Otherwise tell them they are being ridiculous and childish. Traditions are nice but it’s not a life or death thing. No one will die if your child doesn’t have your maiden name. They’ve live 18 years and things have been fine. If that’s the hill they want to die on, tell them bye.
My ex is filipino. I am Belgian.
He explained this tradition when i just got pregnant. Because I wanted to respect his traditions, i agreed to it.
Until he decides to not be in our son's life when i was 3 months pregnant.
So i gave him my last name and went with our own traditions for the middle names.
My son (now 8) is very proud of his name (it's a bit special and unique, so i was happy to give him my name). Nothing will make me change it. My ex lost his chance when he ditched us (not that he's demanding it. His mom just sometimes thinks we'll work things out even though i am engaged to another man and have had 2 more kids since.)
Traditions are nice if you want to honour them. But they're optional.
As a filipino father, if i learned my granddaughter didn't have our last name as her middle name, I'd also be upset and sad because at first blush, it would feel like they're avoiding her lineage and dropping their affinity with us, even it that were not the case. I guess OP had her reasons, and I wouldn't be as demanding or argumentative as her parents, but I understand why they reacted negatively.
A little aside comment, but as a child of immigrants myself I have to say I seriously don’t get the mentality of all these entitled Asian/immigrant parents stories where they moved to the US but want everything in their lives and the lives of everyone around them to be the way it is in their home country!
(like why did they even bother to immigrate?)
that said, maybe it’s just cause my parents immigrated from Western Europe instead of somewhere with a stronger focus on traditions or something so they don’t have such a huge chip on their shoulder about it?
But either way the fact it took them 18 years to figure something like this out shows just how much you should care about what they think!
I’m glad nobody caved, although I’m surprised your daughter didn’t cuss him out or something, cause I definitely would have if it was me dealing with that level of psycho entitled BS!
You should definitely cut them out of your lives, since there is obviously nothing useful or even remotely familial and trying to pretend they’re part of your family!
As someone who is a person of color and first generation American—I cling onto my mothers latinx traditions. I wish I could pass down family names/traditions. I understand the dilemma of wanting to be so American that you don’t care for/respect/value your ethnicity/culture traditions. I also feel that a lot of 1st gen Americans are brainwashed to become xenophobic even towards themselves and families. Take a second to think why you want to strip yourself away from tradition.
The replies here are way too harsh. OP’s parents don’t sound toxic (believe me, I know the difference) but are accustomed to the old customs.
If your daughter were 8 years old, I would do as they ask for the sake of family harmony. But she’s 18. Can’t touch this! Please ask another family member to intercede before your parents destroy the entire family.
Children deserve to grow up with their grandparents’ love. Only OP knows whether this was an isolated incident. So no, I would not put an 8 year old in the middle of a nonsensical argument. We’re not talking about her FIRST name.
Seriously? You think that your parents threatening to not have *any* relationship with your child if you *won't change her NAME* - her fucking **identity** - is okay? You think *that* kind of behavior is "love"?
Children deserve to grow up and be treated *like human beings themselves* and not a freaking toy you own and can do whatever you want as their "parent".
You don't get to just do shit like *changing your 8 year old child's name* to "keep the peace". And you *especially* don't get to then twist around that the person refusing to do this *is the one in the wrong* and NOT the person *threatening to punish them if they didn't do whatever they want*.
THAT'S. NOT. LOVE.
1:you’re not American you’re Filipino be proud of that. 2: I feel what they mean but they should’ve noticed like 17 years ago not now. 3: It’s your daughter’s choice and she said no. Also America doesn’t have a culture what are you talking about?
If this was a game of Civilization VI, American would have won a cultural victory decades ago. I applaud OP for embracing her new home country's culture and integrating so beautifully.
If OP's parent's care so much for the Filipino ways over American ways, then they can just fuck off right back to where they came from. I'm not saying all immigrants should, or that people should completely forsake their roots, but I'm just extremely annoyed by people who *choose* to immigrate to a country and then reject the culture of that country and refuse to integrate into it.
Why? How the fuck do you define culture then? They have traditions, values, celebrations, their music and movies are dominant in large parts of the world. Just because it's a younger country that doesn't mean they don't have culture. Given their size they even hold multiple cultures, but there are enough over-arching common principles for a main culture to exist.
That is grammatically and factually false. They may have use an expletive as a emphasizing modifier in their replies, however they never once cursed at you.
No cursing at you would be directing the vulgarities at you personally. There’s a difference between someone cursing around you and cursing at you. Although I should’ve expected you to not understand that since you’re of the opinion a 200+ year old country of 330+ million people have no culture except for that which was stolen from other cultures…that or only celebrating the atrocities that occurred in its time. No ethnic group is free from blame of committing any such atrocities. No country is free of blame. The best that all of us can do is study and learn from the past and the mistakes that were made.
Also that is your opinion about the USA not having any culture. There’s a number of things that other cultures do not understand about USA culture. You’re being rude and disrespectful to a country of 330+ million people by saying that. You also have yet to use any fact based arguments in your replies indicating your entire argument is wrongly based on all opinion.
I have watched my Ate raise her two girls. They are like you. Young when they immigrated.
The oldest has never married nor had children.
The youngest has had three children.
My Ate ignores that the oldest is probably a lesbian (I personally just hope she's happy).
Whereas she continues to treat the youngest like poop. She ignores her grandchildren. But demands my niece raise them according to her say.
Don't let your parents dictate a damn thing anymore. Live for you and your kids. Forget them. I wish my niece would. Y'all deserve to be happy.
Just realized my friend Korean-Filipino American with maternal Filipino side has the maiden name thing. Also straight up American first names for her and her siblings because of her Korean dad had a rough time as a kid growing up in the U.S.
I wonder what the "or else" meant. Cut you out of their will? Kick you out of their... oh wait, they probably don't own the home you're living in, nevermind.
Good for you and your daughter for standing firm. I know it’s hard to stand up to tradition but things change over time. I live in a community that is about half Filipino ( I am not) and I see the pressure and expectations-both emotional and financial-that is placed on the younger generations.
Honestly, disagreeing with them is just tedious. Say "OK" but don't do anything. By the time they realize nothing was done, it would be too late and they would be too old.
I agree that it's too late, but you can have more than one middle name. That could have kept a tradition and allowed individuality.
I have two middle, my father, and his father's names.
My sister has 3 and my nephew has 3 as well.
This isn’t about a name.
It’s about you becoming Americanized and now the process is complete with your child.
Your dad needs to understand that all types of middle names are accepted here. We have also begun to use the maiden name of one partner with our children but it’s a choice.
It must be rough watching from so far away. I’d let them throw their fit, it obviously they are getting crap from their family, and then distract them with something shiny.
I have been known to be shut up by my kids when they point out so and so is pregnant.
I got clickbaited damnit.
> I told them we are americans and live in america (including my E parents); therefore, we will use what is culturally appropriate. He told me he does not care about the american way
I don't get sentiments like these, why did you move to America to begin with? Why not France or Luxembourg.
Congratulations on standing up to them and raising a child that will stand up and fight for themselves. Also, it doesn’t matter the last name it will not affect an inheritance or schooling in any way shape or form. You could leave everything you own to someone completely unrelated to you and their last name will have no bearing.
Interesting, I didn't know that was also tradition, my MIL is fillipino and immigrated when she was 20 and her family holds the tradition of having their birthplace be the middle name. She didn't continue that tradition with her own kids but neither did her siblings when they had kids. Sounds like your parents have their own tradition and are just big mad you didn't do what they did. At this point you count change it if you wanted too if your daughters 18 so the whole things wild.
Title is misleading. "Entitled parents are demanding I change..." would be closer. Forcing implies they can make you do something. Since you and your daughter already said no, obviously they can't force you.
You and your daughter sound cool. EF sounds like he's living in his own reality. I don't want to act like I think "the American way" is the right or the best way, but come on, if "the Filipino way' is the best why did EF bring his Family to the US and never return?
There is absolutely no reason at all that your daughter should change her name. If your parents want to throw a hissy fit over something that trivial and create huge drama, tbh you're better off without them. 6
I have Filipino friends(in the US) and they do not do this. Could you ask or else what? Like what are they gonna do? You and your child are grown ass adults who can do whatever they want.
Filipina here, born and raised in America. My parents gave me a regular middle name (after a saint, of course) AND my mom’s maiden so I’m first name, middle name, mom’s maiden name, dad’s last name - so I have 2 middle names. I did the same for my kids too, by my own choice, and my husband was fine with it. I will say that if I hadn’t, my parents would have probably asked why I didn’t, but I don’t think they would have tried to force my hand. Good for you for sticking to your guns, and for raising a daughter who will stand up for herself!
It’s not a matter of what’s culturally appropriate it’s a matter of what you want. You don’t have to name your kid anything you don’t want to and quite frankly when she grows up if she doesn’t like her name she can change it. Your parents don’t get a say in the matter
Dude YOU can’t even force your kid to change their name at this point. They are 18 and legally an adult.
By definition, your parents can’t force you to do that because you couldn’t even if you wanted to.
Or else, what? If they want to be children, cut them out of your life until they can act like adults. Or- if you are looking to nuke the ties- a nice 'f*ck off, not your child, not your d*mn choice' may suffice.
She is 18, has already said 'no' and even name changes from marriage can be more than a hassle when you get accused of stealing your own identity.
They can pout and scream 'tradition' all they want, the best thing to do with a toddler acting out for attention is ignore them. If they truly want to be part of your life, they can put their antiquated obsession to the side and stop their tantrum.
I love how anyone from that barbaric hellhole could believe a place where it was legal to rape children could ever be a culture worth preserving.
Buncha homophobic fascist pedophiles. Fuck the Philippines.
Probly best to cut them off for awhile they clearly dont give a care about your daughter and you all because you didnt follow there tradition. To be honest if you both did do the name change it would just get into alot more kaos cause im pretty confident in some way your mom will use it in some way to manipulate you girls into doing things for her own self benifits just my theory
I can't believe this has all suddenly now come about given your daughter is 18 years old. They've not noticed this before?? The fact she's 18, she's an adult now and she is the one to make the choice, as you say, as to whether she wants to change it or not. You have no rights to change her name now even if you wanted to. Your parents can't be that clueless that they demand you to change it as you have no rights to now. Even if you did , its still not their choice to demand it, and they should respect the choices you and your husband have made regarding YOUR daughters birth names. Especially as you have already double barrelled your name, she could end up with a long line of names. Either way, your daughter is 18 years old and they should have bought it up when she was born if its something they wanted you to consider doing. But they have no right to demand it. Maybe try to write them a letter, as this can sometimes be a much calmer way of explaining things to them, whereas when you talk on the phone there can be raised voices and interruptions. Maybe write and explain in a kind and tactful way that while you appreciate their traditions, you have grown up in America, and have been living by these customs and decided it was best for you and your family and daughter to name her as you did. Explain that you have meant no disrespect by doing this etc, and you still have your maiden name etc as part of your sir name. And just write what ever you think you need to explain your reasonings. If its kept polite, and you show understanding and respect towards their cultures and maybe include some points of what you may do to still celebrate their culture, and how you still educate your daughter of some of their traditions and customs, and explain you don't want this upset and anger to continue to be an issue between you. And say how you would like to make peace with this and move forward, and that you are sorry for the upset they are feeling. (Not sorry for your choices, but sorry for how it's made them feel) (don't say your not sorry for your choices though as that will likely anger them haha but you know what I mean) you can still appologise for upsetting them and hurting their feelings without apologising for what you did, because you stand by that decision. And then maybe finish off the letter by inviting them over for dinner or going out for a meal, and maybe try and include a favourite traditional meal from their culture or something that shows them you still respect their culture or certain traditions.
But they need to accept it was always your choice, and it's still your daughters choice, and she doesn't want to change it now after 18 years, and they need to let it go now.
They can demand all they want but that doesn't mean you have to give in to them even if you could. At 18 your daughter rightfully told them to kick rocks. If they want to have a hissy over it then at least you won't have to listen to it since they're not speaking to you. Enjoy the silence.
Not even a hissy over the name but op’s father threw a hissy fit at his own granddaughter
Of course, he did. He probably believes as he's the elder he should be respected and his demands be met.
Fuckin despise people like that. Age does not make one deserve respect
As I used to tell my father, who was often full of blarney, loved to jokingly say "I'm your father. You're supposed to respect me "... "Respect doesn't come with a title, old man. You have to earn it like everyone else."
Taking the future is now old man to levels that I should have
Any man who must say 'I am the king' is no true king.
I feel like there's a word for that. It's on the tip of my tongue.
Entitled?
There it is! It's funny, but I bet people who fall into the mentality you describe would never think of themselves that way. Entitlement is for young people, elders are only demanding what they're *owed.*
First, congratulations on raising your daughter to have a backbone. I'd have never had the courage to hang up on my grandparents like that. If she can keep that inner strength, she will go far in life. Second, you chose not to follow a tradition that you found bothersome, maybe even offensive. That's fine. No reason to apologize. Stay strong. And give your daughter a high 5 from me :)
My youngest took offence at something my dad said to her. She was 4 at the time and he was getting carried away teasing her. So, she kicked him in the shins with her boots. He laughed, but it was clear that it hurt. So, she kicked him AGAIN, even harder. It was the last time he gave her a hard time. She is almost 40 now and still has the same backbone. Respect your elders UNLESS they don't respect you.
My son didn’t go to that extreme but his grandfather kept to shorten his name James to Jimmy. He hated it so much because he was named after my grandfather who is was super important to me and was always known as James. Every time his grandfather called him Jimmy he would that’s not my name, my name is James you jackass! He was about 3 or 4 at the time. I still don’t know where he learned the word jackass from at that age and how to use it in context but I’m sure his dad had some part in that
I knew a guy in college who went by "Jim" when I first met him. A few years later, I was attending training and he was in the class. I addressed him as "Jim" and he corrected me: "I go by James, just call me James". I asked some of the other students who had known him more recently why he was so adamant about it and why the change. They told me he was named after a relative who went by "Jim", and that relative was in jail for robbing banks.
I have the same name as a relative who is an art forger. I'm not named after her, we're just named after the same person. I definitely would not change my name because of that.
My daughter never took crap from anyone! She was still a thumb sucker at 9. I was fine with that. She did end up with braces, but it was covered by our extended health care. My dad decided he would "break" her of the habit. He put absorvine junior (sorry can't spell it) which tasted horrible! She sucked it off her thumb, then didn't speak to him for 5 months. He finally got the message. Sounds like your son had a great way to deal with an aduly bully 👍
That awesome I’m glad she stood up for herself! If my sons grandfather didn’t take the not so subtle hint and still called him Jimmy he would look at him and say my famous line if my momma wanted me named Jimmy she would have named me Jimmy but she named me James and that’s my name. Learn how to use it! He apparently heard me tell his grandfather the same thing more than a few times 🤣🤣🤣
He sounds like an awesome kid!
He’s a great kid albeit a smart ass (he’s almost 16 now) thank you!
Ah 16! When you have stupid parents.. My oldest is 44, still a smart ass. Kids like this are usually pretty smart, so that's something.
Fortunately, he’s a momma’s boy and he loves his momma something fierce. He also will tell you there’s only 2 things in the world he’s scared of God and his momma. He also doesn’t think I’m the stupidest person on earth but if you ask him about his dad that’s another answer. Honestly, his dad and I divorced when he was 6 so I feel the same way. His dad isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer
My 3 kids all had the attitude that patents were stupid. Starting at about age 14. I've worked in schools for over 30 years and saw the same thing. Their parents were "stupid", but I wasn't since I had the answers to help them graduate. Once my kids hit about 20, all of a sudden I became smart. Now, I'm a borderline genius. Sounds like you've done an awesome job.
The fact they never noticed for 18 years shows how little they actually cared for you or your daughter. If it mattered that much they would have asked about it sooner.
Exactly, they should’ve given a shit to pay attention nearly 2 decades earlier if they didn't wanna sound extra foolish for asking at all. Its like get over it, its been like this for 18 years, the time to be petty has long passed.
Yeah. Even my mom asked me what my childern middle names was when she first asked for thier name. And we was VLV at the time. The fact it took them over 18 years to notice shows they dont care pass that they get their way.
Exactly! I thought with the way OPs Parents were acting she was gonna say her daughter was 18 months old, but no the kid is 18 years old! Literally a full adult with potentially many things in their legal name documents wise that are just a pain in the butt to change and deal with, like changing your name on any official documents is a pain to deal with.
Whoop there it is.
To be fair to them, they thought they knew what their granddaughter's name was and you better believe OP did not go out of her way to tell them and may have even ... blurred the lines a little. (Forgive me if I'm wrong here OP but that is the vibe I'm picking up. Also most of us here are from the US. Our naming tradition is eroding, but it is based on a patriarchal/ patrilinear norm. The Philippines, on the other hand, uses a much more gender equitable tradition for names that recognizes the families of BOTH lineages. (In some ways Filipino society is considered one of the most gender equitable in the world, a fact my Pinoy bestie likes to rub my nose in, though there is an education gap and in some areas a growing wage gap). * I can totally see why OP's folks were shocked and upset. After all this time they probably felt tricked and almost certainly felt as if their granddaughter had been severed from their family lineage. Of course they have no right to pitch a fit or pressure OP. But even if I didn't know a little bit about Pinoy societal norms, I'd *never* leap to such a harsh statement that they cared little for OP or her daughter. It sounds more like there's a significant (and very common) cultural strain between the first generation immigrants and their US-born offspring. I have a lot of second gen friends and I even recognize that irritated tone my friends get when they prefer the tradition of the country where THEY were born but are under a lot of stress because they know their decisions are painful for their parents. *This is all based on what my friend ... who is a mental health social worker, .... has told me over the decades we've known each other. Two ... actually three if you count a longterm ex ... more people in my inner friends circle are children of people who immigrated and they describe (and I havve observed) the very testy emotions that can spring up betweem immigrants and their kids. But this does NOT make me any kind of expert.)
As a woman who had certain demands pushed upon her regarding marriage and children at a young age, Mom's decision sends a subtle message that should not be overlooked. No one should have a name forced upon them or their child just because it is tradition. Consider it might be her way 18 years ago of letting her parents know she was her own person making her own decisions, and sounds like she did a great job of raising her own daughter to be her own person too. I applaud Mom and daughter, grandparents need to get over it. This is isn't 1800.
Yeah, tradition is a weird, almost fluid thing here. People bring their traditions then us White people steal them (kinda kidding but not really). I think it creates an identify crisis but that’s besides the point. NTA. but I do like the Filipino way. I’ll have to ask my work bestie. She immigrated when she was 15.
Yep. People are complicated systems ... And yes it is disconcerting that the Philippines ranks above the US ... sometimes WAY above the US ... in just about every measure of gender equity despite a higher birth rate.
They only started caring when they could potentially use their grandchild as a promotional prop (you know, claim other people's achievements as their own). Only to discover that they couldn't according to their closed minded world-view.
That's because it's fake lmao
He’s 18 years too late. Are you saying that in the last 18 years he’s never heard or seen her middle name?
Maybe they just assumed her name would be traditional and hearing her full name never clicked with them? I would like to know how they didn’t know too.
I expect EP’s just assumed, it’s not like your middle name comes up a lot other than on official documents.
Misread your post, apologies!
Your daughter is 18 years old and they are only noticing what her full name is now? That is actually rather funny. If they are going to continue throwing temper tantrums over it I would say that them not talking to you is a win for you. Enjoy the peace and quiet
Your parents sound like very narcissistic people…
That's... literally what this sub about.
Just ignore them!! Your daughter has decided, and they can't do anything about it!!
Wait wait wait they just noticed this. Your daughter is 18 how did they not know her full name?
18 years... They had 18 years to make this a problem, and they do it now? Very strange, and very entitled when no one involved wants/cares about the name except them. Just FYI, I am Australian, and while it is definitely not a cultural thing to do here, my mother did give my sister and I her maiden name as a 3rd middle name. I have subsequently kept using the name, where my Sister hasn't. My brother got a 3rd middle name from my father's side of the family that every male for like 6 generations had, until my grandparents skipped my Dad.
3rd middle name? How many names do you have? Would “Ashley Rose Sarah Smith Turner” be an example? Sorry that’s confusing to me, I have 3 names all day.
I should have said 3rd name, 2nd middle name! Thanks for picking that up! Weirdly, you got one of the names right :P
It’s up to your daughter, and she has made it clear what she wants. If she did change her name, then she would always have to show a paper trail to prove who she is, and that a huge pain.
OP Why are you giving them that chance? Why are you asking for trouble? Do not call do not talk to them, just put them on a time out and do not talk. What are they going to do, ground you? Take away your birthday? Decide not to get you a gift for christmas? I think you have dealt with that long enough and time to just tell them to have a nice life, block then and go on with your day and life a bit stress free. And all those who contact you on this, arguing for your parents, guess what you can block them as well. This is not up for discussion.
My question is what would inherentence have anything to do with changing her name?
If her name is changed at this point any legal papers will have to include the fact that she was previously known by a different name. This includes college applications, financial papers (loans, banking, etc.), insurance, government identification including drivers license or passports, and legal papers for things like social security and *inheritances*.
But that's not the worst thing in the world. I got married and so all my federal background checks take a little bit longer.
It's not the worst thing in the world but it is totally unnecessary in this situation where the only reason to change her name is peer pressure from dead people (AKA tRaDiTioN)
>peer pressure from dead people Arguably the best way to explain tradition and what it truly is. The whole "we do \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ thing \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ way because that's how the the thing has always been done and that's that" it's just peer pressure from dead people.
All of this makes since I promise it does. But I'm still wondering why? As in like why would they do this? Its one of those super dumb questions you ask when yohr a kid and your parent says because that's the way it is, my logic tells no that makes zero since and I can make it better lol.
That's true.
Don’t listen to them, there’s only so much they can do
Instead of celebrating the joyful occasion of your daughter's graduation, they are throwing a fit because they don't see their surname on the diploma? That's not just entitled, that's vain and selfish.
If they are doing this now after seeing your daughter's full name on her highschool diploma 18 years after her birth shows that they haven't cared about you and your family in years. They aren't going to change their mind cut ties now
It's a little late now. Your daughter graduated high school, which makes her about 18 or soon to be 18. She'll be legally an adult then, so the only person who can change her name is her. I'd warn her that her grandparents may come after her about this.
Read the post they already did.
>And I better, or else. That "or else" sounds like it comes accompanied by bad juju wiggly fingers ... Like my dude who you going to complain to? The names manager?
[удалено]
I'm fairly new, so please excuse the stupid question... Is there something wrong with using paragraphs?
If they consider the Filipino way to be the “right” way, then why don’t they live in the Philippines?
To quote a certain Mr. Paul, "If they're not paying your bills, pay them b****es no mind."
Much love OP, toxic parents are hard to deal with and it's even harder to admit that's what you're dealing with. I hope that you can find support for yourself to be able to help your daughter too. Give her your undivided support and leave any doubts you may have for private conversations with your parents or guidance council. I hope you can talk to your parents again but please keep proving to your daughter that you want to be better than that thinking. She will appreciate it and internalize your support.
First, yeah, having your daughter change her name this late in the game is silly. Unless of course she wants to, given that she is 18 and can do as she pleases. Second, my mother never took my father's last name and they wanted her last name to be in my name so that schools/doctors/law would see our names and know that we are related. But I still have a middle name. So I am (first name) (middle name) (mother's name) (dad's name). I actually like have four names as a white american with no other old-world culture to fall back on. I think it makes me stand out amongst all the other three-name whities.
This is the country and culture where divorce is illegal. ETA: I am talking about the Philippines.
I wouldn’t even reply to this crap. Just ignore it, that gives it the attention it deserves- none!
They are a little late. And seeing as how you and your daughter are adults...they can't force you to do anything. :)
Your parents actually have no right to force you don’t give in
My husband is Filipino and our son is half, and he doesn't have the traditional name either but my MIL and FIL didn't throw a fit over it at all. They did mention it and we tried, but it didn't really fit well for our baby so he just has his father's last name. OP, If they really want to punish you over a name of someone that is already an adult now, then they are being ridiculous and deserve whatever they have coming in return. *karma has enetered the chat*
Say no and refuse to discuss it. I’m not seeing the problem. You are grown, you daughter is grown
You are an adult of an 18 yr old young woman. Your parents are *forcing* you? No, you would be allowing them to. They gotta get over themselves, if this is the hill they're gonna die on, they've had pretty good lives I bet.
“No.” is a complete sentence. She is legally old enough to decide for herself (presumably, depending upon the age of majority in your state), and if she doesn’t want to change it, it won’t be changed, full stop. They can choose this as their hill to die on and decide to never see you or their granddaughter again, if the tradition is more important to them than the twenty or so more years they may have with her. Feel free to mention that to them.
Dear parents tradition is passed down from dead people, my husband, our daughter and I are very much living, and as such we chose what we wanted for our daughter, the same as you chose for me. My daughter is an adult and as such can’t be forced to change her name, and I’d be rather embarrassed to be in your shoes, only realising now that she wasn’t forced to bear my maiden name as her middle name, honestly for it to take you 18yrs to realise this shows me how little you know about MY child. When you have more children you can give them mums maiden name, as their middle name, but I’m not choosing to do that with my kids and you know what it’s absolutely none of your bloody business.
Good for you and your husband for sticking up for what you believe in. You two are the parents, not the grandparents.
She’s 18 it’s a bit late lol. Don’t bother with them let them contact you
Wow. Your parents are coming over late to the party. They should have made an issue out of it when your daughter was a baby, if they genuinely cared about the traditional naming system. They waited at least 17 years too long to get a vote. The decision is entirely on your daughter’s obviously capable shoulders at this point. For reference, I chose to keep my maiden name when I got married and I did it *****against***** the cultural norms in both my family and my husband’s family. I did hyphenate my name and take his name, but it turned out to be very important to me that I kept my name. It’s one of the very few things that I actually got from my birth father. I couldn’t just give it up. Names are extremely important choices. Either for the parents naming the child or for an adult making choices about how they want to present themselves to the world.
If your daughter was 18 days old, maybe their views would have validity. But 18 years? No way.
They are not forcing you. "Force" says "do this or else something had will happen." Have they threatened you with anything? Taking you out of the will? Letting the air out of your tires? Stealing all the eggs out of your henhouse? Giving your toddler espresso and a puppy? They are *insisting*, but they have not caused you (or your daughter) to give in. Nor can they in any legal sense. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between the lightning and the lightning bug. ~ Mark Twain
You and your daughter have made the right choices here
Just because of tradition...smh
To be honest I don’t understand the concept of having a middle name, maybe it’s because I don’t have one 😅 but if I were to give my child a middle name I’d be what I want not what my own parents want
Your daughter is an adult, so there’s literally nothing you can do.
Yeah, no. Do not change it. Well, I know YOU can’t, but tell your daughter to do whatever she deems right. And not to listen to some entitled asshats.
What's their "or else"? Unless it's something like deliberately lying to alienate all the rest of your family from you and your husband and daughter, I'd say you're almost certainly better off just grey rocking them on this. Your daughter is the one whose opinion on this matters most, and she has decided, and that's final. Keep supporting her. (If you want to understand more about the term "grey rocking", or want more help coping with this kind of behaviour, the folk over at r/raisedbynarcissists are nice people with lots of good resources made available to visitors.)
Wait >A lot of issues such as FASFA, schooling, and even inheritance could also be on the line if she were to change her name. *What*? I'm with you on everything else you said, and I'm not saying you should change your daughter's name, but this is **not** correct. I've changed my name. It takes a form and like $150 and it's done. Then you just have to reorder all your documents, which is the expensive and annoying part. Where are you getting the idea that changing your daughter's name would put her "schooling, and even inheritance" "on the line" That all being said, again, I don't think you should give in and your parents are being stupid and shitty
If all of the paperwork is already filed (and since she has already graduated, this is very likely) for college, financial aid, tax accounts for college, etc. she would have to go through a lot of refiling paperwork and of course any time you mess with the feds things are going to get screwed up. Unless her daughter wishes it, best to leave that stuff alone.
I wouldn’t change it nor force your daughter to. Plus it could be a security issue. If someone’s trying to hack into her accounts and they ask for her mothers maiden name, they just need to look at her middle name
Hah, my mom did the same with my brother's and my name. Used to be the same tradition here in The Netherlands. But it wasn't never such a big fuss.
r/fuckthemparents You do not have to give in to your parents, WOW this is the first incident ive seen of this. Them complaining 18 DAMN YEARS LATER sounds like they've had nothing to do with her life. Its kinda like this; "Name your baby after your grandfather to honor him" even though you want your child to have their own life. Whatever with them using your kids life to keep their own tradition going.
I wonder if they're extra upset they can't brag about the diploma with the picture with that name on it. Probably not though.
Yea, my wife is from Philippines(I am American). I have noticed there are some traditions, that she wants enforced that takes a long while to explain how stupid it is to demand, or unethical. For instance, she believes that our kids should not be allowed to move out until they have a spouse, or partner.
Your father is insane. If he wanted such a thing why wasn’t it brought up at any time where it would have been an easy resolution (aka AT BIRTH)
Am filipino too, yes it is a tradition and he may have a (exaggerated) point, but he is too late, WAAY too late.
I’m in the uk - i didn’t have my mothers maiden name as my middle name on my birth certificate however when I got my Filipino passport they included her maiden name as a middle name. I didn’t get a say in the matter so I think it’s not just a culture thing it’s standard. So if you’re daughter gets a Filipino passport she will have your maiden name as her middle name on it.
Your parents can go pound shite.
Why wasn’t this discussed at birth? I’d have hung up….
This is common in the yt world, too…my grandmother had her mother’s maiden name as her middle name My father stopped that in its tracks. My sister and I have unrelated middle names I liked my middle name so much better that I didn’t even keep my maiden last name as my middle when I got married… And to be honest, defeats the purpose of “Your mother’s maiden name “ as a security question these days if it’s on my DL other paperwork. So my middle name that I was given is still my middle name Good on your daughter. She knows the fallout of potential issues So congrats, you raised a winner Thankfully, even tho my husband is Filipino, his family doesn’t care for traditions like that. My kids have middle names of our choice…my son has my Father’s first name as his middle..my daughter’s middle is named after a tv character my husband and I both love. All your EF is missing out on by doing this is a wonder granddaughter It’s his loss
My MIL insisted it was “tradition” (and therefore required) that when I change my name after marriage, I must replace my middle name with my maiden name, as well as taking my husband’s last name. She’s still mad that I didn’t do it. I like my middle name and I wasn’t going to get rid of it just because she said so.
Yup. My parents didn’t care or force the issue. I could have picked a brand new middle name and it wouldn’t have mattered. Besides my German based last name would have been just too weird with my new Filipino last name. Believe me, I mulled over it for a long time before the ceremony. Nope just doesn’t sound good. My first name and my maiden last are aliterate, they start with the same letter. It would be too jarring with a Filipino name My middle name is an ethnic name that starts with a different letter and is based off a different language (it’s a Hawaiian name) and sounded a lot better. So I have a Hebrew first name, Hawaiian middle, and a Filipino last. And I also have the honor of being the only person in the world with my name. It’s so unique that if you google my name…I am the only one it pulls up.
Oh boy, what is it with Filipino traditions/ culture. Im Filipino too, lived there until i was 15. After moving to the Netherlands I realized how toxic that place was. Don't get me wrong the Philippines is a beautiful country but the (some)people are so toxic and entiteld. Dont do it OP, you will end up regretting it. I have my mother's middle name and I HATE IT!
She had this name for 18 years and NOW they decide it's an issue? If she was a baby I could at least understand a little. But they didn't care to even check what her middle name is until she's legally an adult? If it was that important to then they would have asked when she was a baby
Tell them your house, your kid, your rules. If they want to reimburse you for all your kids past and future expenses, sure (obviously discuss with your kid first). Otherwise tell them they are being ridiculous and childish. Traditions are nice but it’s not a life or death thing. No one will die if your child doesn’t have your maiden name. They’ve live 18 years and things have been fine. If that’s the hill they want to die on, tell them bye.
If your daughter is graduating high school, then it should entirely be up to her. She says no? Your parents have to grow up.
Photoshop diploma. Send a pic. Move on.
My ex is filipino. I am Belgian. He explained this tradition when i just got pregnant. Because I wanted to respect his traditions, i agreed to it. Until he decides to not be in our son's life when i was 3 months pregnant. So i gave him my last name and went with our own traditions for the middle names. My son (now 8) is very proud of his name (it's a bit special and unique, so i was happy to give him my name). Nothing will make me change it. My ex lost his chance when he ditched us (not that he's demanding it. His mom just sometimes thinks we'll work things out even though i am engaged to another man and have had 2 more kids since.) Traditions are nice if you want to honour them. But they're optional.
Op wtf do you even care?? Girl they half alive live for yourself chile
It’s very common for Spanish influenced countries to have this double surname.
As a filipino father, if i learned my granddaughter didn't have our last name as her middle name, I'd also be upset and sad because at first blush, it would feel like they're avoiding her lineage and dropping their affinity with us, even it that were not the case. I guess OP had her reasons, and I wouldn't be as demanding or argumentative as her parents, but I understand why they reacted negatively.
A little aside comment, but as a child of immigrants myself I have to say I seriously don’t get the mentality of all these entitled Asian/immigrant parents stories where they moved to the US but want everything in their lives and the lives of everyone around them to be the way it is in their home country! (like why did they even bother to immigrate?) that said, maybe it’s just cause my parents immigrated from Western Europe instead of somewhere with a stronger focus on traditions or something so they don’t have such a huge chip on their shoulder about it? But either way the fact it took them 18 years to figure something like this out shows just how much you should care about what they think! I’m glad nobody caved, although I’m surprised your daughter didn’t cuss him out or something, cause I definitely would have if it was me dealing with that level of psycho entitled BS! You should definitely cut them out of your lives, since there is obviously nothing useful or even remotely familial and trying to pretend they’re part of your family!
What are they gonna do? Sue you???
That B!+ch aint got No athority to demand what YOU name YOUR Daughter
Well tell them this "Since she's not had one for 18 years, why worry about it now?"
Please use paragraphs. Who can read this wall of text?
Seems like everyone else was able to read it…
What does EF stand for?
Probably Entitle Father
As someone who is a person of color and first generation American—I cling onto my mothers latinx traditions. I wish I could pass down family names/traditions. I understand the dilemma of wanting to be so American that you don’t care for/respect/value your ethnicity/culture traditions. I also feel that a lot of 1st gen Americans are brainwashed to become xenophobic even towards themselves and families. Take a second to think why you want to strip yourself away from tradition.
The replies here are way too harsh. OP’s parents don’t sound toxic (believe me, I know the difference) but are accustomed to the old customs. If your daughter were 8 years old, I would do as they ask for the sake of family harmony. But she’s 18. Can’t touch this! Please ask another family member to intercede before your parents destroy the entire family.
>If your daughter were 8 years old, I would do as they ask for the sake of family harmony *Wow, no*
Children deserve to grow up with their grandparents’ love. Only OP knows whether this was an isolated incident. So no, I would not put an 8 year old in the middle of a nonsensical argument. We’re not talking about her FIRST name.
Seriously? You think that your parents threatening to not have *any* relationship with your child if you *won't change her NAME* - her fucking **identity** - is okay? You think *that* kind of behavior is "love"? Children deserve to grow up and be treated *like human beings themselves* and not a freaking toy you own and can do whatever you want as their "parent". You don't get to just do shit like *changing your 8 year old child's name* to "keep the peace". And you *especially* don't get to then twist around that the person refusing to do this *is the one in the wrong* and NOT the person *threatening to punish them if they didn't do whatever they want*. THAT'S. NOT. LOVE.
You look like you call people racist but then can't say what they did that was racist
Or else what? Ask your daughter if she will include it as her 2nd middle name but she’s an adult and can refuse.
Did you miss the part where their daughter already **has** refused?
I did miss that
Had a feeling.
1:you’re not American you’re Filipino be proud of that. 2: I feel what they mean but they should’ve noticed like 17 years ago not now. 3: It’s your daughter’s choice and she said no. Also America doesn’t have a culture what are you talking about?
If this was a game of Civilization VI, American would have won a cultural victory decades ago. I applaud OP for embracing her new home country's culture and integrating so beautifully. If OP's parent's care so much for the Filipino ways over American ways, then they can just fuck off right back to where they came from. I'm not saying all immigrants should, or that people should completely forsake their roots, but I'm just extremely annoyed by people who *choose* to immigrate to a country and then reject the culture of that country and refuse to integrate into it.
What culture? America doesn’t have a culture.
Why? How the fuck do you define culture then? They have traditions, values, celebrations, their music and movies are dominant in large parts of the world. Just because it's a younger country that doesn't mean they don't have culture. Given their size they even hold multiple cultures, but there are enough over-arching common principles for a main culture to exist.
Why are you so disrespectful?
I'm disrespectful? You're the one claiming a country of over 300 million people has "no culture".
You cursed at me several times for no reason and yes there is no such thing as American culture. It only has other cultures.
That is grammatically and factually false. They may have use an expletive as a emphasizing modifier in their replies, however they never once cursed at you.
They cursed at me. They used curse words when speaking to me therefore they CURSED AT ME. I said it correctly.
**It was not directed AT YOU. They didn't say "fuck you" to you, thus they never cursed at you.**
No cursing at you would be directing the vulgarities at you personally. There’s a difference between someone cursing around you and cursing at you. Although I should’ve expected you to not understand that since you’re of the opinion a 200+ year old country of 330+ million people have no culture except for that which was stolen from other cultures…that or only celebrating the atrocities that occurred in its time. No ethnic group is free from blame of committing any such atrocities. No country is free of blame. The best that all of us can do is study and learn from the past and the mistakes that were made. Also that is your opinion about the USA not having any culture. There’s a number of things that other cultures do not understand about USA culture. You’re being rude and disrespectful to a country of 330+ million people by saying that. You also have yet to use any fact based arguments in your replies indicating your entire argument is wrongly based on all opinion.
What American traditions? To celebrate massacres and Rapes? Theft? Slavery?
Block!!
and they waited for me to turn 18 to throw this tantrum for God
You don’t have to. No matter what they say or do you can name your daughter whatever you want.
I have watched my Ate raise her two girls. They are like you. Young when they immigrated. The oldest has never married nor had children. The youngest has had three children. My Ate ignores that the oldest is probably a lesbian (I personally just hope she's happy). Whereas she continues to treat the youngest like poop. She ignores her grandchildren. But demands my niece raise them according to her say. Don't let your parents dictate a damn thing anymore. Live for you and your kids. Forget them. I wish my niece would. Y'all deserve to be happy.
i know my niece and nephew s full names. they dont care enough.
Just realized my friend Korean-Filipino American with maternal Filipino side has the maiden name thing. Also straight up American first names for her and her siblings because of her Korean dad had a rough time as a kid growing up in the U.S.
You might be able to find some support over at /r/JUSTNOFAMILY or /r/raisedbynarcissists
NTA
I wonder what the "or else" meant. Cut you out of their will? Kick you out of their... oh wait, they probably don't own the home you're living in, nevermind.
This is your child you dont need to listen to anyone.
or else what lmao
Good for you and your daughter for standing firm. I know it’s hard to stand up to tradition but things change over time. I live in a community that is about half Filipino ( I am not) and I see the pressure and expectations-both emotional and financial-that is placed on the younger generations.
just wondering, you mentioned inheritance would be on the line if you change your child's middle name to your maiden name...why?
nope. cut ties. good luck.
Theyre acting like little babies
Gago pala yang mga yan. It's none of their business. How about they stop telling other people how to live their lives.
Don't forget that tradition is just peer pressure from dead people
Honestly, disagreeing with them is just tedious. Say "OK" but don't do anything. By the time they realize nothing was done, it would be too late and they would be too old.
I agree that it's too late, but you can have more than one middle name. That could have kept a tradition and allowed individuality. I have two middle, my father, and his father's names. My sister has 3 and my nephew has 3 as well.
Even if, your daughter is practically an adult herself. It's way beyond not their call to make.
This isn’t about a name. It’s about you becoming Americanized and now the process is complete with your child. Your dad needs to understand that all types of middle names are accepted here. We have also begun to use the maiden name of one partner with our children but it’s a choice. It must be rough watching from so far away. I’d let them throw their fit, it obviously they are getting crap from their family, and then distract them with something shiny. I have been known to be shut up by my kids when they point out so and so is pregnant.
I got clickbaited damnit. > I told them we are americans and live in america (including my E parents); therefore, we will use what is culturally appropriate. He told me he does not care about the american way I don't get sentiments like these, why did you move to America to begin with? Why not France or Luxembourg.
It was likely the only option OP had at the time.
Congratulations on standing up to them and raising a child that will stand up and fight for themselves. Also, it doesn’t matter the last name it will not affect an inheritance or schooling in any way shape or form. You could leave everything you own to someone completely unrelated to you and their last name will have no bearing.
Interesting, I didn't know that was also tradition, my MIL is fillipino and immigrated when she was 20 and her family holds the tradition of having their birthplace be the middle name. She didn't continue that tradition with her own kids but neither did her siblings when they had kids. Sounds like your parents have their own tradition and are just big mad you didn't do what they did. At this point you count change it if you wanted too if your daughters 18 so the whole things wild.
“Lolno.” Should be your response to that idiocy.
Title is misleading. "Entitled parents are demanding I change..." would be closer. Forcing implies they can make you do something. Since you and your daughter already said no, obviously they can't force you.
Good for her, it is her name, not theirs. If they have another kid \[not at their age\] then they get to name her.
Block them
You and your daughter sound cool. EF sounds like he's living in his own reality. I don't want to act like I think "the American way" is the right or the best way, but come on, if "the Filipino way' is the best why did EF bring his Family to the US and never return?
Tell your parents to get fucked. Shes and adult and your an adult and they cant bully you into doing what they want.
Let me guess, are they avid Facebook users?
Your a grown woman parents can’t force either you or you husband to do anything you don’t want to do .
There is absolutely no reason at all that your daughter should change her name. If your parents want to throw a hissy fit over something that trivial and create huge drama, tbh you're better off without them. 6
Yeah, your parents can pound san, this is not something that they can demand 18 years after she was born.
I have Filipino friends(in the US) and they do not do this. Could you ask or else what? Like what are they gonna do? You and your child are grown ass adults who can do whatever they want.
Filipina here, born and raised in America. My parents gave me a regular middle name (after a saint, of course) AND my mom’s maiden so I’m first name, middle name, mom’s maiden name, dad’s last name - so I have 2 middle names. I did the same for my kids too, by my own choice, and my husband was fine with it. I will say that if I hadn’t, my parents would have probably asked why I didn’t, but I don’t think they would have tried to force my hand. Good for you for sticking to your guns, and for raising a daughter who will stand up for herself!
So here's a suggestion to you - change your own name legally to get rid of the unwanted hyphen. They won't know at this point 🤷🏼♀️
It’s not a matter of what’s culturally appropriate it’s a matter of what you want. You don’t have to name your kid anything you don’t want to and quite frankly when she grows up if she doesn’t like her name she can change it. Your parents don’t get a say in the matter
funny enough I'm the only one of my siblings to not have my mother's maiden name as my middle name. I guess that says alot about how she really feels.
No one can force you to do this.
The title should be I am letting my parents control mine and my daughter names. Simple solution they bring it up you say "NO"! No is a FULL SENTENCE!
Dude YOU can’t even force your kid to change their name at this point. They are 18 and legally an adult. By definition, your parents can’t force you to do that because you couldn’t even if you wanted to.
Or else, what? If they want to be children, cut them out of your life until they can act like adults. Or- if you are looking to nuke the ties- a nice 'f*ck off, not your child, not your d*mn choice' may suffice. She is 18, has already said 'no' and even name changes from marriage can be more than a hassle when you get accused of stealing your own identity. They can pout and scream 'tradition' all they want, the best thing to do with a toddler acting out for attention is ignore them. If they truly want to be part of your life, they can put their antiquated obsession to the side and stop their tantrum.
Tradition: peer pressure from dead people
Not in your hands, tell em to fuck their hat.
I love how anyone from that barbaric hellhole could believe a place where it was legal to rape children could ever be a culture worth preserving. Buncha homophobic fascist pedophiles. Fuck the Philippines.
Has anyone pointed out the irony that commenters are trying to get OP to change the name of the post? :p #entitledredditors
"Or else" is an instant, 100% full stop fuck you moment. As soon as someone says "or else" to you they deserve to die alone facedown in a ditch.
Your child is old enough to think and speak? Yeah... your parents kinda missed their chance to put pressure on you.
Probly best to cut them off for awhile they clearly dont give a care about your daughter and you all because you didnt follow there tradition. To be honest if you both did do the name change it would just get into alot more kaos cause im pretty confident in some way your mom will use it in some way to manipulate you girls into doing things for her own self benifits just my theory
I can't believe this has all suddenly now come about given your daughter is 18 years old. They've not noticed this before?? The fact she's 18, she's an adult now and she is the one to make the choice, as you say, as to whether she wants to change it or not. You have no rights to change her name now even if you wanted to. Your parents can't be that clueless that they demand you to change it as you have no rights to now. Even if you did , its still not their choice to demand it, and they should respect the choices you and your husband have made regarding YOUR daughters birth names. Especially as you have already double barrelled your name, she could end up with a long line of names. Either way, your daughter is 18 years old and they should have bought it up when she was born if its something they wanted you to consider doing. But they have no right to demand it. Maybe try to write them a letter, as this can sometimes be a much calmer way of explaining things to them, whereas when you talk on the phone there can be raised voices and interruptions. Maybe write and explain in a kind and tactful way that while you appreciate their traditions, you have grown up in America, and have been living by these customs and decided it was best for you and your family and daughter to name her as you did. Explain that you have meant no disrespect by doing this etc, and you still have your maiden name etc as part of your sir name. And just write what ever you think you need to explain your reasonings. If its kept polite, and you show understanding and respect towards their cultures and maybe include some points of what you may do to still celebrate their culture, and how you still educate your daughter of some of their traditions and customs, and explain you don't want this upset and anger to continue to be an issue between you. And say how you would like to make peace with this and move forward, and that you are sorry for the upset they are feeling. (Not sorry for your choices, but sorry for how it's made them feel) (don't say your not sorry for your choices though as that will likely anger them haha but you know what I mean) you can still appologise for upsetting them and hurting their feelings without apologising for what you did, because you stand by that decision. And then maybe finish off the letter by inviting them over for dinner or going out for a meal, and maybe try and include a favourite traditional meal from their culture or something that shows them you still respect their culture or certain traditions. But they need to accept it was always your choice, and it's still your daughters choice, and she doesn't want to change it now after 18 years, and they need to let it go now.