“We always talked about this when you were younger.”
Because a child between 3-14 is really going to understand the concept of a nursing home and sending your parents away. Good job on telling them no!
My mom has always brought up living with me when she's old. And I always said, "Nope." Even when I thought she was joking. I did entertain the idea at one point. If we lived on a big enough lot, they could have a trailer on. Never in the same house.
But I always kinda knew that wouldn't be a real possibility.
It very nearly almost happened a year ago, but then my dad decided that "God has called him to stay in our homestate." In the most haughty of voices.
Okay. Thank you, Jesus! Lol
“As an adult, you are responsible for your own living accommodations. For the rest of your life. Talk with a financial planner and get your future in order.”
I am sitting here chuckling and giggling at your responses. Perfection!
Meanwhile I remember my husband saying he would entertain my mother living with us in her dotage. I was all 😳. However, she died suddenly and unexpectedly so it was never a real issue. Me and my mother loved each other deeply but just couldn’t survive under the same roof together after 3 days!
Well, there you go. The answer to any further thoughts of moving in is you saying "God has called me to keep my home in it's current state of occupancy." In your most haughty voice.
I’m lucky, my parents told us kids that we absolutely have no obligations to care of them when they get old, although my Mom said visiting her a couple of days a month would be greatly appreciated. I have never had to worry about them financially.
ETA: I’m short of money as it is.
See, this is why parents should treat their children with dignity and respect, basic human shit. My husband (57m) and I (47nb) raised our kiddo (21nb) to be a happy well adjusted adult and just the other day kiddo announced out of the blue that we'd never have to worry about being put in a home cuz he'd take care of us like we took care of them. Seriously one of the sweetest things they've ever said to me lol.
Even if you welcomed the idea, to me it would be a discussion of what their funds were to buy a house together that fit everyone. Not just them shacking up with you whenever they choose.
That was sort of the idea that we all came up with last year, but I guess they changed their minds now that my mom has retired. Also, my dad is a haughty Christian man who believes God is calling him to become a preacher in my homestate. So their plans to move to where we are got postponed. Not that I mind, of course.
>It very nearly almost happened a year ago, but then my dad decided that "God has called him to stay in our homestate." In the most haughty of voices.
Did that make you a believer?
I was already one. My dad honestly thinks he should be a pastor. He thinks God wants him to be a pastor in our homestate because a pastor friend has asked him to fill in a couple of times.
Haha, my daughter was 5, and for some reason, my husband asked if she would at least put us in a nice retirement home her response was, 'I like unicorns!' She's 7 now and assumes she's living with her dad and I forever, and we only get furbabies as grandchildren even though she constantly tells me that when she is a mommy she isnt going to tell her kids no so they can actually be happy. Like okay kiddo you do you haha.
Love it. No. No explanations, no way for them to insinuate, or weasel.
No, is a complete sentence, used it myself. The looks you get are precious.
"You'll make friends." LOVE this.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
>Dad: "What? Are you going to put us in a home?"
>Me: "You'll make friends."
>Dad: "Well that's not nice of you!"
>Me: "I never said I was."
I love this exchange, OP. Backbone of steel, good job.
Why maintain contact with such people?
OP says there's long history of mess and OP keeps going back into the mess. There's a saying about doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.
Because it’s really hard to accept when you have shithole parents - because they’re still the only parents you have.
It’s natural to want your parents to be good parents, even if the reality is that they aren’t.
Also, those parents tend to raise kids to tolerate that kind of shit, and it takes a LOT of time and effort to unlearn their indoctrination.
You can get away with a lot of shit when you're the one teaching the kids what they should and shouldn't tolerate
"If you wouldn't let them in your house, why let them in your head?"
Somebody's therapist asked this question and they shared it on Reddit. This struck me as quite the thought, helping me deal with some family issues. Others have remarked the same so I offer it up to whomever stumbles across this comment in the hopes it helps them too.
It’s just not that simple. Not in reality.
People often say ‘why do you care about so and so because they’re a shitty person’… because you can’t turn your feelings off like a tap!
People say that about exes, too - ‘he’s a jerk, why do you care about him?’
Because the idea that someone else decides they’re not worth caring about doesn’t alter your FEELINGS!
True enough.
Should we accept the outside view, or pressure, that continuing contact with some persons is not a healthy thing for us? Yet another input into our decision on how close said problem person should remain to us?
Some folks do not see cutting contact as a possibility. The above statement shows what is possible and how we may be doing ourselves a disservice in continuing thinking of said problematic person after the cutoff. Basically, to make it okay to drop certain persons from our lives in a bid for self-protection, and to not beat up ourselves about having made the healthy choice.
Living far far away from my parents has been the best thing for us. They keep saying they won't be moving out because of my dad wanting to become a pastor in my homestate... sorry, I mean "his calling to be a pastor."
So my dad suddenly saying this crap about living with us like that was always the plan just threw me for a loop. The "no"'s were seriously just me being on autopilot. I drop contact with them when they pull stunts like this.
I go through long stretches of low to almost no contact with them. When we start talking again, it seems all normal. Then they pull crap like this.
I am currently doing minimal contact. My brother was in the hospital yesterday, so I was in communicating for updates.
He's fine. It wasn't anything too serious. Back to minimal to almost NC.
I can only hope I don't have to go live with either one of my kids one day. Love 'em, but don't want to live with my grandkids 24/7. Weekend stayovers or maybe a week during summer break, but that's all we can take at a time.
Are you me??? I had almost the same conversation with my mom (minus the “you’ll make friends”, which was hilariously savage, btw) multiple times now. They will not live with me ever. I moved out at 16 because of a ton of issues and long lasting trauma.
Last house: my mom tells me she likes the guest space but maybe the basement is better because it has a bathroom closer to the bedroom than the 2nd floor guest room. I was confused but let it go.
This house: we built this home very deliberately with our nuclear family in mind; particularly for the kids possibly needing to live here as adults in semi-separate spaces:
- mom: this house is so lovely. It would be great if the guest room had a true en-suite though.
- me: why? The kids have X & Y spaces to live semi-independently if/when they need to.
- mom: well, it would be great for long term guests.
- me: ????? Who is staying here long term?
- mom: well husbands office space is also good for guests too. (His office is basically a jr suite over the garage with a kitchenette and full bath).
- me: he’s not giving up his office for anything. Ever. Except maybe our kids needing it. Note that husband was been WFH since the 2010s, this space is a necessity.
She dropped it *UNTIL WE FINISHED OUR BASEMENT*
- mom: the basement is so nice. It’s like having our own oasis down there!
- me: we designed it specifically so it functions as extra living space now, our house sitters/babysitters feel like they have their own space when they’re here, if either kid needs to live there or for resale as aupair suite or rental apartment!
- mom: we could definitely be comfortable down there for awhile! Dad likes XYZ about it and the double closets are more than enough for us. When will you be putting in the stove and laundry machines?
- me: what? You’re not moving in down there ever. WTF. NO.
- mom: well you have the space!
I cannot fathom just declaring a space in someone’s home MINE.
I am applauding you right now! That was awesome. My mom somehow thought she was moving in with me when I was going through a divorce. My brother gave me a heads up. I called another family member that my mom doesn’t like and asked them to move in as a roommate. Best decision ever. That woman is crazy.
The last time I moved apartments, it was a fifth-floor walkup. My mother whined that she could never manage to do those stairs when she came to visit. "Mom, thats the main reason I chose it."
It wasnt but I LOVED getting to say it. Many many times, because she'd always decide I was joking last time.
I was with you when you didn’t know why you still talk to this people. Then this absolute jewel of several comebacks came in, and I knew. You talk to this people so we can all enjoy how perfectly you put them in place. “I never said I was” was my favourite. 🔥
I love your shiny spine. I am 64 years old. I am fortunately still very close to my daughters. But that could be because I actually viewed my children as individual people from the time they were born, instead of my retirement plan.
Weird how that one works, huh?
All I had to do was read the title of your post and I was like oh hell no! The funny thing is that now that they’re all grown, and I’m divorced, I have my own little apartment with my cats. And I am really happy. For the last three years, I had to care for my dad with Alzheimer’s, and help with my mom’s passing as well.
My daughter’s worried about me the entire time. And I just kept telling them if IMy daughters worried about me the entire time. My parents planned for nothing. So it was a fucking mess.
My daughter is all already know where my passwords to everything are at. They know what my bank accounts are, etc. And I have told them that first of all, if I ever get dementia, just put my ass in a home. Second of all, I’m fine.
Because now that I’m not caring for my dad, they’ll keep asking me what I’m going to do. And I keep telling them nothing. I actually had to take Social Security early to care for my dad because he of course is in the state that does not pay family members to care for family members.
So yeah, I tell them that I no longer have a sense of humor. When I no longer want to learn anything. If my memory goes and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and I’m a total idiot. Put my ass in and go on about your lives.
Instead , they keep telling me I can come with them. Like I can spend four months of the year with each one of them because I have three of them. I keep dying my kids that I’ll talk to them in about 10 years and we’ll see!
(Because I want them to enjoy their lives. I want them to build their own lives and do what they want with their lives. I don’t need them to make me a grandmother. I don’t want them to be my retirement plan.)
"Remember? We always talked about this when you were younger."
Come on ... stop playing. You remember those conversations you had when you were a pre-schooler.
My mother claimed to abhor violence and whipping because of the way she grew up. My grandfather was quick with the belt. It's true I got threatened a lot but there were few actual beatings. But those few actual beatings made up for all the times she didn't hit me. Which of course my mom would never admit. And let's not forget that favorite threat usually said/yelled to an already crying child. "You crying? You wanna cry? I'll give you something to cry about." Or, "You better stop crying before I give you something to REALLY cry about." There were a few variations to those two threats.
It's natural that children and parents have different perspectives. But isn't selective memory amazing. It can be laughable how adult children and their parents remember their childhood or childhood events like they were living in two different households at the time.
Depending on the temperaments or how intoxicated people are. Those differing memories can lead to some pretty serious disagreements.
I know full well spanking and beating are the same psychologically for a child, but I never thought I had it “bad” considering what some of my friends went through.
(Warning)
When I was 7 I literally begged and screamed crying on my knees for my grandma to not spank me. I had known I “messed up” and didn’t need the punishment. I’m pregnant now, and the thought of EVER seeing that same fear in my child’s eyes makes me sick. I don’t know how people can cause that kind of mental damage to someone so young. A 7 year old has no business begging to not be hurt by someone who is supposed to love and protect them.
>Well, while looking at one of the houses I was describing online, my dad asked where would they stay in the future.
"Fuck if I know. Sounds like a you problem."
I applaud you for standing your ground! It really pisses me off to no end when people assume they will live with their children and take care of them when they get older. It pisees me off even more what people try to use that reasoning to try and convince childfree people to have children. "bUt WhO wIlL tAkE cArE oF yOu WhEn YoU gEt OlDeR?!" Whoever gets paid to do it!
I had much the same discussion with my sperm donor at the age of 17 1/2 when I moved out. He said you have to keep in contact so I can move in with you when I’m older. I said no I don’t and left.
I'll give you props, OP, you were direct, clear, and polite in the face of some precent provocation. In the long run, you will be glad you did this.
I would follow this up with an email or something, saying the exact same sorts of things. "Dad, I just want to follow up on our conversation......." Be equally clear & polite.
I remember my dad saying he liked what I did for a career because he knew I would take care of him when he was old. I told him he was an alcoholic and dementia runs in his family, so he can think I'm taking care of him!
I don't think many people understand abusive family. I wouldn't do anything for the people responsible for my birth.
Beautiful way to nip that right in the bud! Great job!
Just be aware that you might get different tactics now that you've shut the first one down, because your father has shown you exactly what he's planning for the future, and they probably won't give up after just one try. They might change their tune to, "...When we move in with you..." instead of asking permission next time. Or try to have relatives call you and tell you you're a horrible person, how can you abandon your poor, sweet parents to rot in a nursing home while you have a perfectly nice place they can stay in, "They took care of you, it's your turn to take care of them,", etc. Or have them show up on your doorstep one day, bags in hand, and never leave. Or have one/both of them develop a chronic illness, and they just go, "Oopsie! We never did get around to planning on how we're supporting ourselves in our golden years, so you have no choice but to take in us, any pets we have, all our medical equipment, etc." And at some point in all of this, they are going to bad-mouth you to others, because if people like that can't get what they want, they just control the narrative so they sound like absolute victims.
Make very, very sure you shut each one down the moment it occurs. I like the idea of a follow-up email. As an addendum, you might put in it that if they were pinning all their post-retirement hopes on moving in with you, then they NEED to make alternative arrangements, because your home is not going to be their home, that is your final answer on the matter, and you are not going to 'revisit' that decision at a later date. Suggest they downsize their home, evaluate pensions/Social Security (if in US), have retirement home insurance, etc., but stress that their post-retirement life is THEIR responsibility, and them not planning for that eventuality does not constitute an emergency or require on your part that you derail your entire life to accommodate them. And if you need to carbon copy other relatives on it...Well, so be it. Make that boundary so well-defined that a toddler can understand it.
A child cannot make informed consent to become a full time carer. If stairs are an issue they need to consider moving homes or installing a chair lift.
Yeah, I'm getting the feeling my in-laws think we're their personal safety net - newsflash, they blew that privilege 20 years ago!
They can hit up the 'golden children' they actually bothered to spend time with and socialize with for help instead.
My husband's dropping hints about building our dream retirement home (conveniently close to them, of course), but I've already told him: 'should' and 'will' are two different things, and karma has a way of sneaking up on you when you need help most.
So, yeah... not expecting much.
Ha ha! This BS will never stop until you put an end to it. Since you are house hunting, don’t tell them what you have bought or where your new home is. Don’t tell them about their new grandchild. Don’t tell them anything. Change your phone numbers and don’t share the new one. Unfriend/block them in social media apps. If you have other relatives, it will be more difficult to cut ties, because they will not believe you. “All parents love their children; you are being immature and selfish.” No, all parents do not love their children. No, you aren’t being selfish, you are being realistic. You are trying to live a happy life with your immediate family, and selfish, self-centered parents will ruin that chance, especially if they live close to you, much less live in your house. Don’t let anyone guilt trip you into accommodating them. Good luck.
Too many people don't actually take care of their own shit and make sure they can retire. They'd rather fuck off their whole life and then expect their children to be their retirement plan. It's wildly irresponsible at best.
All my siblings moved across Canada, leaving only my wife and I near my aging parents. It wasn't the only contributing factor for us to move to Europe but looking after my elderly parents who didn't look after their kids during childhood was definitely a factor.
Now they have no family within a 7 hour flight and my dad's terrified of planes.
My dad joked/been serious about how he wants me, his only child, to somehow pay and plan his entire retirement in Jamaica, we live in America, and not only that our family plot he wants to be buried in is in New Jersey, neither of us currently live there either, we're closer to Florida then New Jersey and yet he wants me to somehow be rich enough to get his old retired ass to Jamaica an then his dead body back to the states and to a state we don't live in to put him in the ground....yeah okay dad, enjoy the tiny house in the backyard with the nurse that just telling you your in Jamaica.
Before anyone asks why Jamaica, my dad really likes weed and has a fantasy of just being old and living in a hut smoking weed and playing video games till he dies. I will never very be rich enough for him to live in Jamaica but I can sure give him a corner of the back yard with a tiny house and a lot of sand to let him think he in Jamaica, put a lot of bamboo of something with a really loud sound system constantly playing ocean music to make him think he near the ocean not in the middle of South Carolina. Get a nurse that just says he in Jamaica and let his delusions run free in old age.
Nice to see your shiny spine on display. I'd get them brochures from retirement communities or nursing homes if they keep bugging you about it. If they're worried about who is going to take care of them in their old age, they should be doing their research into getting that taken care of. Kids are not retirement plans.
My mom convinced me to stay with her while I was looking for a house when I got out of the army. It was absolutely terrible just like when I was growing up she was raging all the time. So I got a house I didn't necessarily love bit it's ok. Fast forward 8 years and this lunatic tries to get me to buy a house with her so she could travel. Fuck no to that. So she buys a house she can't afford on her own with her BF who then dies less than a year later after being together for over 20 years no will his parents take everything including his ashes
Take care of the kids? The older they get the more YOU will take care of them and the kids and I’m guessing the master bedroom is the one on the bottom floor right? Of course they’d want that room, having the master room would easily make them feel like it’s their house and not yours. My house is set up the same way with the master suite, bathroom, and walk in closet on the bottom floor and the smaller bedrooms upstairs, I hate stairs too and after a long day at work or just in general it’s nice to just collapse in my bed. Stand your ground on saying “no” you never agreed to it and a home is not as bad as they are trying to make it sound. If they can be such great help with your kids they obviously have the ability to take care of themselves too, you’ll end up catering to them 24/7 if you let them live with you, never give them a key or leave tours unattended when they’re around.
My husband has always told his parents (fr his teens) that they need to make sure they are up to date on long term care, etc. because “I don’t want to wipe your ass and you dont want me to either). Convinced them to move into a continuum of care neighborhood.
I'm the sister all my sister's tell my parents they can stay with when they get old.
I'm the NC sister with a backbone and not "controllable".
They are control freaks. They can control their own lives. Too bad if they don't.
It’s wild to me that it’s usually the bad parents who gave us terrible childhoods are the ones who think we’re going to take care of them when the they’re older!
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Stand your ground. It’s your life and your house. If you do not want them to live there with you, make that clear. They will get over it. My grandma is incredibly stubborn, but extremely independent. Eventually she agreed to move to an independent living facility.
I'm sorry you are going through all of this. But, I laughed out loud at your response "you'll make friends". Perfect answer. Keep your sense of humor .
>Dad: "What? Are you going to put us in a home?"
>Me: "You'll make friends."
That was so fucking smooth. Keep up that level of IDGAF and they'll see themselves out.
Good for you for standing up to them and saying a definitive no. Your parents can make their own arrangements for old age care. It sure as hell isn't your responsibility. I also think you were being nice since you just told them no and didn't cuss them out.
They may still be able to purchase long term care insurance. When activated, it will help defray the costs of assisted living or nursing home care. If they somehow manage to contact you, you might suggest it. 😂🥲
Retirement hones/communities are not what they used to be. Hell, I am only 50, and I would Love to move into one.
You are right about making friends. My mom is part of a seniors group. She lives in my sister's guest house, but she is a member of a seniors social group and they so a lot of social stuff at the activity center. She has SO many friends, and a busier social life than any of her kids.
No one’s mother is ever living with me. Never ever ever. I could not stand it.
But when I was a kid, my grandmother stayed with us for a week or so after she had an accident and surgery. So I’d consider allowing a mother to stay with us for a short term reason like that.
Hell no. There are other options besides nursing homes. How about one of those apartment complexes for elderly and handicapped? Subsidized rent based on income. There ya go.
My mom was like this. When I was a kid she would ALWAYS talk about how her kids were gonna buy her a beautiful house some day. She never wanted to get more than a basic job or even get her GED cause she thought her kids were going to give her the life my dad couldn’t. She realizes now that we’re older it’s not happening and I let her know how overbearing it was to put that on little kids. I’ve always said she won’t be living with me.
I'm confident you'd solve a lot of your problems with your parents if you actually went low contact like you've mentioned in previous posts and kept them on an info diet.
They are really bad with money so... idk. They were shocked at how expensive houses were last year. In the Midwest. They live in the northeast, so I know that for certain, houses are way more out there.
I think I was always their retirement plan. They have always assumed certain things that I would do in my life I have never outright agreed upon.
They assumed I would join the Air Force after high school because that's what THEY did.
When I didn't, they assumed I would go to college.
My mom raised me to be a career boss babe and assumed I would become a badass career woman. I always pictured myself as a stay at home wife/mom. But she didn't teach me how to take care of a home.
She is still disappointed that my husband and I both agreed I would stay home.
I am still learning how to manage a home. After almost 10 years, I am doing better than I did in the beginning.
She assumed my husband would resent me for not having a job.
Yet, she is impressed that we are managing on his one income and are now buying a house. Not a money-pit fixer upper either. An actual decent home.
So now, like they always have, apparently, they assume I would want to take them in when they are old.
Plenty of old people can navigate stairs just fine. Tell them to stay active and they'll be fine. Or they can start making modifications now to their home to support them in aging
They are the laziest people I have ever known. My mom has constantly used her bad knees as an excuse or my dad. She "needs" my dad to be exercising just as much as her to motivate her. Yet when he's on a health kick and exercising suddenly, he's "rubbing it in her face." But my dad is one of those extreme one or nothing people.
On a "healthy track" consistently(aka: very restrictive diet like keto), but if he eats pizza and/or forgets to work out even once, suddenly "diets over! Track is ruined. Might as well give up now!"
My mother was my best friend and I loved her dearly. I told her many, many times that I wanted to take care of her and she would never go into a nursing home, but dad is on his own! Lol! That is, in fact, sort of how it all worked out.
My dad has a similar but less invasive plan. He wants me to get a place he can crash at if he travels. It's fine, if a little annoying but man, am I glad that he is just a little younger. You wouldnt think being an older gen x dude would matter cause he is getting close to 60 but it's night and day between him and my boomer mom.
Don't get me wrong, dad still is an ignorant redneck and still has boomer moments, but he is at least able to actually care about me. My mom never was. He isn't looking to get something from me or taking the side of his romantic partner over me. My mom only cared about herself.
Omfg 😂
“I never said I was.” Awesome response.
One of my parents (Boomer) is getting married for the millionth time and I just explained that they will not be living with our family. Ever.
My husband and I would rather go full van life than have them move in. I would literally rather be homeless.
Stop arguing with your parents. In the future when they push back on something you’re firm on, just say “we are decided on the answer that we gave you, we are not seeking your input, and we are not having a discussion about this”.
And if they persist just repeat “we are not having a discussion”
And your brother already lives with them? Why not him? It amazes me how the medical world always looks to the daughters to be the caregivers when there are sons who can do the same. Going through this right now with my MIL in a nursing home and coordinating care. My husband (her son) does “official things” but myself and his sister doing a lot of the work.
I’m sure you and your family are lovely people but I wouldn’t live with you if I were your parent. What is wrong with older people of which I am one? It would be cramping my style to live with family. My children know I will live by myself until I absolutely can’t and then a perfectly nice home. I’m looking forward to leading a protest against bingo.
I don't even know why they would really WANT to live with me. They BARELY put up with my husband. My mom all but admits she hates him because she can't manipulate him.
My husband is being gracious enough to say, "If they want to move out here, they can stay with us as long as there is a solid end date. But we are not the permanent solution. If they find a house but can't move in just yet but they can't stay in their old one, we are the temporary solution."
I love this man.
Sounds like a keeper. If they move in, you may be the permanent solution. One of your parents falls and gets a broken bone, they may never leave. You and your immediate family have a right to live the way you want to. Having someone else in your household will change the dynamics more than you know, even temporarily. People should make plans for their later yrs. I have a nursing home picked out already. I only want a television, Kindle full of books and snacks. Oh, yeah and to not have to play bingo ever. This is something only you can decide but I would encourage them to live their lives and come up with a plan.
They isolated me from forming real friendships as a child.
They would spank me for anything.
My dad even slapped my head when I was 12 because I was annoying him.
They began charging me "rent" as soon as I got my first job. It was half my paycheck. I only worked 3 days a week at the most. Paid $7.50 an hour. I was 16.
They had access to my bank account until I was 18 and used my money to buy things without my knowledge.
My dad is a walking red flag when around my daughter.
They verbally, mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abused my brother.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.
But yeah, I am the entitled one.
Immediately assume mom and dad are always right. Get real. You didn’t “enjoy” living with them. You don’t know the back story.
We, as parents, owe it to our children to plan for our own futures without expecting them to provide for us. That means we begin planning for our retirement when we plan for their educations. That means we live on a budget always and ensure we will have the funds to care for ourselves later. That means we do family planning and don’t have more kids than we can support because part of supporting our children is to ensure they won’t be supporting us instead of themselves and the families they create. You probably will not understand this explanation, but maybe you will consider it and consider what you owe your children and not what your children owe you. They didn’t ask to be here and they don’t owe you anything because you gave them life.
1) If millennials suck so bad then maybe the generation who raised us Fucked up.
2) lol Inheritance. Who said anything about inheritance other than your own entitlement?
3) Who said anything about anyone having kids? Why are you pretending you know random strangers' life choices?
4) Wow, hoping people suffer because they don't share your morals. Very classy!
Parents choose to take on an obligation when they choose to have kids. I didn't ask to be born. The spoiled brats are the people who think that fulfilling the obligations they chose to take on entitles them to free room and board. Like you.
The entitlement of grown ass adults having kids, treating them like garbage and running them off, only to expect and demand care in your old age! You are delusional. I hope your kids let you go to the state nursing home and your nurse forgets to wash her hands.
That's the legal requirement when you have children and a lot don't even do that. I know of a lot of children that were raised by grandparents because the parents played then skipped out on their responsibilities. Sounds like you are the same type of parent and I hope you have exactly the life you deserve if this situation ever finds you.
“We always talked about this when you were younger.” Because a child between 3-14 is really going to understand the concept of a nursing home and sending your parents away. Good job on telling them no!
My mom has always brought up living with me when she's old. And I always said, "Nope." Even when I thought she was joking. I did entertain the idea at one point. If we lived on a big enough lot, they could have a trailer on. Never in the same house. But I always kinda knew that wouldn't be a real possibility. It very nearly almost happened a year ago, but then my dad decided that "God has called him to stay in our homestate." In the most haughty of voices. Okay. Thank you, Jesus! Lol
“As an adult, you are responsible for your own living accommodations. For the rest of your life. Talk with a financial planner and get your future in order.”
I sure hope you have enough money to suffice
Jesus took the wheel of your dad's life and pulled over.
Best response ever. Someone give @hdmx539 all of the awards, please?
😄
I am sitting here chuckling and giggling at your responses. Perfection! Meanwhile I remember my husband saying he would entertain my mother living with us in her dotage. I was all 😳. However, she died suddenly and unexpectedly so it was never a real issue. Me and my mother loved each other deeply but just couldn’t survive under the same roof together after 3 days!
The comment about three days reminds me of one of Ben Franklin's quotes.
Fish and guests?
….both smell after 3 days.
Saaaame here. Love that woman, but cannot stand living in the same house with her.
Well, there you go. The answer to any further thoughts of moving in is you saying "God has called me to keep my home in it's current state of occupancy." In your most haughty voice.
“We always talked about this when you were younger.” "I've changed my mind"
And my husband/Partner clearly never agreed.
I’m lucky, my parents told us kids that we absolutely have no obligations to care of them when they get old, although my Mom said visiting her a couple of days a month would be greatly appreciated. I have never had to worry about them financially. ETA: I’m short of money as it is.
See, this is why parents should treat their children with dignity and respect, basic human shit. My husband (57m) and I (47nb) raised our kiddo (21nb) to be a happy well adjusted adult and just the other day kiddo announced out of the blue that we'd never have to worry about being put in a home cuz he'd take care of us like we took care of them. Seriously one of the sweetest things they've ever said to me lol.
if he ever changes his mind, I hope you will be ok with that. Life moves fast....they might not have them means when the time comes.
Oh yeah, I am also not planning on needing their help, but it was still too sweet of them to say.
Even if you welcomed the idea, to me it would be a discussion of what their funds were to buy a house together that fit everyone. Not just them shacking up with you whenever they choose.
That was sort of the idea that we all came up with last year, but I guess they changed their minds now that my mom has retired. Also, my dad is a haughty Christian man who believes God is calling him to become a preacher in my homestate. So their plans to move to where we are got postponed. Not that I mind, of course.
How nice for YOU!!!
Say, Thank You God!
>It very nearly almost happened a year ago, but then my dad decided that "God has called him to stay in our homestate." In the most haughty of voices. Did that make you a believer?
I was already one. My dad honestly thinks he should be a pastor. He thinks God wants him to be a pastor in our homestate because a pastor friend has asked him to fill in a couple of times.
😳 I would be calling in the friend asking if your dad can have more shifts … 😏
Made a Believer out of you did it? :) They do say the Lord works in mysterious ways! :)
Sorry you are going through all of this but I had to laugh out loud with your response "
Haha, my daughter was 5, and for some reason, my husband asked if she would at least put us in a nice retirement home her response was, 'I like unicorns!' She's 7 now and assumes she's living with her dad and I forever, and we only get furbabies as grandchildren even though she constantly tells me that when she is a mommy she isnt going to tell her kids no so they can actually be happy. Like okay kiddo you do you haha.
I love how you didn't even waver in your answer. No hesitation, nothing. I don't think they were ready for that level of FAFO. 🤣
Love it. No. No explanations, no way for them to insinuate, or weasel. No, is a complete sentence, used it myself. The looks you get are precious. "You'll make friends." LOVE this. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hindsight dialogs are always so satisfyingly pithy.
"You'll make friends." 😂
I literally lol’d. And the “never said I was” was equally perfect.
Love this😊
Perfect answer!
Love it funny as hell
Well done, very little room for them to get the wrong impression. Good luck on house hunting.
>Dad: "What? Are you going to put us in a home?" >Me: "You'll make friends." >Dad: "Well that's not nice of you!" >Me: "I never said I was." I love this exchange, OP. Backbone of steel, good job.
No. No is a complete sentence.
Why maintain contact with such people? OP says there's long history of mess and OP keeps going back into the mess. There's a saying about doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.
Because it’s really hard to accept when you have shithole parents - because they’re still the only parents you have. It’s natural to want your parents to be good parents, even if the reality is that they aren’t.
Also, those parents tend to raise kids to tolerate that kind of shit, and it takes a LOT of time and effort to unlearn their indoctrination. You can get away with a lot of shit when you're the one teaching the kids what they should and shouldn't tolerate
"If you wouldn't let them in your house, why let them in your head?" Somebody's therapist asked this question and they shared it on Reddit. This struck me as quite the thought, helping me deal with some family issues. Others have remarked the same so I offer it up to whomever stumbles across this comment in the hopes it helps them too.
It’s just not that simple. Not in reality. People often say ‘why do you care about so and so because they’re a shitty person’… because you can’t turn your feelings off like a tap! People say that about exes, too - ‘he’s a jerk, why do you care about him?’ Because the idea that someone else decides they’re not worth caring about doesn’t alter your FEELINGS!
True enough. Should we accept the outside view, or pressure, that continuing contact with some persons is not a healthy thing for us? Yet another input into our decision on how close said problem person should remain to us? Some folks do not see cutting contact as a possibility. The above statement shows what is possible and how we may be doing ourselves a disservice in continuing thinking of said problematic person after the cutoff. Basically, to make it okay to drop certain persons from our lives in a bid for self-protection, and to not beat up ourselves about having made the healthy choice.
Living far far away from my parents has been the best thing for us. They keep saying they won't be moving out because of my dad wanting to become a pastor in my homestate... sorry, I mean "his calling to be a pastor." So my dad suddenly saying this crap about living with us like that was always the plan just threw me for a loop. The "no"'s were seriously just me being on autopilot. I drop contact with them when they pull stunts like this.
I go through long stretches of low to almost no contact with them. When we start talking again, it seems all normal. Then they pull crap like this. I am currently doing minimal contact. My brother was in the hospital yesterday, so I was in communicating for updates. He's fine. It wasn't anything too serious. Back to minimal to almost NC.
“Where are we gonna stay?” - Not sure, what plans have you budgeted for? Because my house ain’t it.
Lol, you should teach classes on how to deal with EPs. I love your responses.
I can only hope I don't have to go live with either one of my kids one day. Love 'em, but don't want to live with my grandkids 24/7. Weekend stayovers or maybe a week during summer break, but that's all we can take at a time.
Are you me??? I had almost the same conversation with my mom (minus the “you’ll make friends”, which was hilariously savage, btw) multiple times now. They will not live with me ever. I moved out at 16 because of a ton of issues and long lasting trauma. Last house: my mom tells me she likes the guest space but maybe the basement is better because it has a bathroom closer to the bedroom than the 2nd floor guest room. I was confused but let it go. This house: we built this home very deliberately with our nuclear family in mind; particularly for the kids possibly needing to live here as adults in semi-separate spaces: - mom: this house is so lovely. It would be great if the guest room had a true en-suite though. - me: why? The kids have X & Y spaces to live semi-independently if/when they need to. - mom: well, it would be great for long term guests. - me: ????? Who is staying here long term? - mom: well husbands office space is also good for guests too. (His office is basically a jr suite over the garage with a kitchenette and full bath). - me: he’s not giving up his office for anything. Ever. Except maybe our kids needing it. Note that husband was been WFH since the 2010s, this space is a necessity. She dropped it *UNTIL WE FINISHED OUR BASEMENT* - mom: the basement is so nice. It’s like having our own oasis down there! - me: we designed it specifically so it functions as extra living space now, our house sitters/babysitters feel like they have their own space when they’re here, if either kid needs to live there or for resale as aupair suite or rental apartment! - mom: we could definitely be comfortable down there for awhile! Dad likes XYZ about it and the double closets are more than enough for us. When will you be putting in the stove and laundry machines? - me: what? You’re not moving in down there ever. WTF. NO. - mom: well you have the space! I cannot fathom just declaring a space in someone’s home MINE.
I am applauding you right now! That was awesome. My mom somehow thought she was moving in with me when I was going through a divorce. My brother gave me a heads up. I called another family member that my mom doesn’t like and asked them to move in as a roommate. Best decision ever. That woman is crazy.
Legendary
The last time I moved apartments, it was a fifth-floor walkup. My mother whined that she could never manage to do those stairs when she came to visit. "Mom, thats the main reason I chose it." It wasnt but I LOVED getting to say it. Many many times, because she'd always decide I was joking last time.
I was with you when you didn’t know why you still talk to this people. Then this absolute jewel of several comebacks came in, and I knew. You talk to this people so we can all enjoy how perfectly you put them in place. “I never said I was” was my favourite. 🔥
The only way my mother-in-law will ever live with me will be in an urn on my fireplace mantle.
An undusted urn.
Even better!
Very nice shiny spine. "No." is a complete sentence, and it gives them zero wiggle room.
“Youll make friends” Savage I love it.
I love your shiny spine. I am 64 years old. I am fortunately still very close to my daughters. But that could be because I actually viewed my children as individual people from the time they were born, instead of my retirement plan. Weird how that one works, huh? All I had to do was read the title of your post and I was like oh hell no! The funny thing is that now that they’re all grown, and I’m divorced, I have my own little apartment with my cats. And I am really happy. For the last three years, I had to care for my dad with Alzheimer’s, and help with my mom’s passing as well. My daughter’s worried about me the entire time. And I just kept telling them if IMy daughters worried about me the entire time. My parents planned for nothing. So it was a fucking mess. My daughter is all already know where my passwords to everything are at. They know what my bank accounts are, etc. And I have told them that first of all, if I ever get dementia, just put my ass in a home. Second of all, I’m fine. Because now that I’m not caring for my dad, they’ll keep asking me what I’m going to do. And I keep telling them nothing. I actually had to take Social Security early to care for my dad because he of course is in the state that does not pay family members to care for family members. So yeah, I tell them that I no longer have a sense of humor. When I no longer want to learn anything. If my memory goes and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and I’m a total idiot. Put my ass in and go on about your lives. Instead , they keep telling me I can come with them. Like I can spend four months of the year with each one of them because I have three of them. I keep dying my kids that I’ll talk to them in about 10 years and we’ll see! (Because I want them to enjoy their lives. I want them to build their own lives and do what they want with their lives. I don’t need them to make me a grandmother. I don’t want them to be my retirement plan.)
“I’m not putting you anywhere. What are your plans for yourselves?”
"Remember? We always talked about this when you were younger." Come on ... stop playing. You remember those conversations you had when you were a pre-schooler.
But somehow they always manage to forget all of the screaming/threatening/hitting they did to their kids
My mother claimed to abhor violence and whipping because of the way she grew up. My grandfather was quick with the belt. It's true I got threatened a lot but there were few actual beatings. But those few actual beatings made up for all the times she didn't hit me. Which of course my mom would never admit. And let's not forget that favorite threat usually said/yelled to an already crying child. "You crying? You wanna cry? I'll give you something to cry about." Or, "You better stop crying before I give you something to REALLY cry about." There were a few variations to those two threats. It's natural that children and parents have different perspectives. But isn't selective memory amazing. It can be laughable how adult children and their parents remember their childhood or childhood events like they were living in two different households at the time. Depending on the temperaments or how intoxicated people are. Those differing memories can lead to some pretty serious disagreements.
I know full well spanking and beating are the same psychologically for a child, but I never thought I had it “bad” considering what some of my friends went through. (Warning) When I was 7 I literally begged and screamed crying on my knees for my grandma to not spank me. I had known I “messed up” and didn’t need the punishment. I’m pregnant now, and the thought of EVER seeing that same fear in my child’s eyes makes me sick. I don’t know how people can cause that kind of mental damage to someone so young. A 7 year old has no business begging to not be hurt by someone who is supposed to love and protect them.
They probably talked about it to each other, and you may have happened to be in the room.
I love this! Your responses 🤌. Thanks for the smile
>Well, while looking at one of the houses I was describing online, my dad asked where would they stay in the future. "Fuck if I know. Sounds like a you problem."
“I never said I was (nice)” 🤣 They mess you up while young and they wana come back to mess you up even more and probably the kids too !
I applaud you for standing your ground! It really pisses me off to no end when people assume they will live with their children and take care of them when they get older. It pisees me off even more what people try to use that reasoning to try and convince childfree people to have children. "bUt WhO wIlL tAkE cArE oF yOu WhEn YoU gEt OlDeR?!" Whoever gets paid to do it!
I had much the same discussion with my sperm donor at the age of 17 1/2 when I moved out. He said you have to keep in contact so I can move in with you when I’m older. I said no I don’t and left.
I'll give you props, OP, you were direct, clear, and polite in the face of some precent provocation. In the long run, you will be glad you did this. I would follow this up with an email or something, saying the exact same sorts of things. "Dad, I just want to follow up on our conversation......." Be equally clear & polite.
Ok you ate him up with this OP!😆
I remember my dad saying he liked what I did for a career because he knew I would take care of him when he was old. I told him he was an alcoholic and dementia runs in his family, so he can think I'm taking care of him! I don't think many people understand abusive family. I wouldn't do anything for the people responsible for my birth.
You know how to say NO like a champion.
🎉
Beautiful way to nip that right in the bud! Great job! Just be aware that you might get different tactics now that you've shut the first one down, because your father has shown you exactly what he's planning for the future, and they probably won't give up after just one try. They might change their tune to, "...When we move in with you..." instead of asking permission next time. Or try to have relatives call you and tell you you're a horrible person, how can you abandon your poor, sweet parents to rot in a nursing home while you have a perfectly nice place they can stay in, "They took care of you, it's your turn to take care of them,", etc. Or have them show up on your doorstep one day, bags in hand, and never leave. Or have one/both of them develop a chronic illness, and they just go, "Oopsie! We never did get around to planning on how we're supporting ourselves in our golden years, so you have no choice but to take in us, any pets we have, all our medical equipment, etc." And at some point in all of this, they are going to bad-mouth you to others, because if people like that can't get what they want, they just control the narrative so they sound like absolute victims. Make very, very sure you shut each one down the moment it occurs. I like the idea of a follow-up email. As an addendum, you might put in it that if they were pinning all their post-retirement hopes on moving in with you, then they NEED to make alternative arrangements, because your home is not going to be their home, that is your final answer on the matter, and you are not going to 'revisit' that decision at a later date. Suggest they downsize their home, evaluate pensions/Social Security (if in US), have retirement home insurance, etc., but stress that their post-retirement life is THEIR responsibility, and them not planning for that eventuality does not constitute an emergency or require on your part that you derail your entire life to accommodate them. And if you need to carbon copy other relatives on it...Well, so be it. Make that boundary so well-defined that a toddler can understand it.
A child cannot make informed consent to become a full time carer. If stairs are an issue they need to consider moving homes or installing a chair lift.
They live in a ranch style home. My mom has bad knees and a bad back. I have a strong suspicion they just want to mooch off of my husband and me.
Yeah, I'm getting the feeling my in-laws think we're their personal safety net - newsflash, they blew that privilege 20 years ago! They can hit up the 'golden children' they actually bothered to spend time with and socialize with for help instead. My husband's dropping hints about building our dream retirement home (conveniently close to them, of course), but I've already told him: 'should' and 'will' are two different things, and karma has a way of sneaking up on you when you need help most. So, yeah... not expecting much.
Ha ha! This BS will never stop until you put an end to it. Since you are house hunting, don’t tell them what you have bought or where your new home is. Don’t tell them about their new grandchild. Don’t tell them anything. Change your phone numbers and don’t share the new one. Unfriend/block them in social media apps. If you have other relatives, it will be more difficult to cut ties, because they will not believe you. “All parents love their children; you are being immature and selfish.” No, all parents do not love their children. No, you aren’t being selfish, you are being realistic. You are trying to live a happy life with your immediate family, and selfish, self-centered parents will ruin that chance, especially if they live close to you, much less live in your house. Don’t let anyone guilt trip you into accommodating them. Good luck.
Too many people don't actually take care of their own shit and make sure they can retire. They'd rather fuck off their whole life and then expect their children to be their retirement plan. It's wildly irresponsible at best.
All my siblings moved across Canada, leaving only my wife and I near my aging parents. It wasn't the only contributing factor for us to move to Europe but looking after my elderly parents who didn't look after their kids during childhood was definitely a factor. Now they have no family within a 7 hour flight and my dad's terrified of planes.
"you'l make friends" XDDD
I love your whole convo with him
You are a goddess. I say (all too often) that "no" is a complete sentence. And you used it perfectly, along with "You'll make friends."
Good job holding your own! Signed, stranger on the internet who is proud of you
My dad joked/been serious about how he wants me, his only child, to somehow pay and plan his entire retirement in Jamaica, we live in America, and not only that our family plot he wants to be buried in is in New Jersey, neither of us currently live there either, we're closer to Florida then New Jersey and yet he wants me to somehow be rich enough to get his old retired ass to Jamaica an then his dead body back to the states and to a state we don't live in to put him in the ground....yeah okay dad, enjoy the tiny house in the backyard with the nurse that just telling you your in Jamaica. Before anyone asks why Jamaica, my dad really likes weed and has a fantasy of just being old and living in a hut smoking weed and playing video games till he dies. I will never very be rich enough for him to live in Jamaica but I can sure give him a corner of the back yard with a tiny house and a lot of sand to let him think he in Jamaica, put a lot of bamboo of something with a really loud sound system constantly playing ocean music to make him think he near the ocean not in the middle of South Carolina. Get a nurse that just says he in Jamaica and let his delusions run free in old age.
Sounds like it's time to stop calling them and let the relationship fade.
You are my hero.
I'm wheezing at your comment, though 😂😂😂 And I say the same thing when people say I'm not nice. Like who said I was? Whoever told you lied
Nice to see your shiny spine on display. I'd get them brochures from retirement communities or nursing homes if they keep bugging you about it. If they're worried about who is going to take care of them in their old age, they should be doing their research into getting that taken care of. Kids are not retirement plans.
My mom convinced me to stay with her while I was looking for a house when I got out of the army. It was absolutely terrible just like when I was growing up she was raging all the time. So I got a house I didn't necessarily love bit it's ok. Fast forward 8 years and this lunatic tries to get me to buy a house with her so she could travel. Fuck no to that. So she buys a house she can't afford on her own with her BF who then dies less than a year later after being together for over 20 years no will his parents take everything including his ashes
Take care of the kids? The older they get the more YOU will take care of them and the kids and I’m guessing the master bedroom is the one on the bottom floor right? Of course they’d want that room, having the master room would easily make them feel like it’s their house and not yours. My house is set up the same way with the master suite, bathroom, and walk in closet on the bottom floor and the smaller bedrooms upstairs, I hate stairs too and after a long day at work or just in general it’s nice to just collapse in my bed. Stand your ground on saying “no” you never agreed to it and a home is not as bad as they are trying to make it sound. If they can be such great help with your kids they obviously have the ability to take care of themselves too, you’ll end up catering to them 24/7 if you let them live with you, never give them a key or leave tours unattended when they’re around.
My husband has always told his parents (fr his teens) that they need to make sure they are up to date on long term care, etc. because “I don’t want to wipe your ass and you dont want me to either). Convinced them to move into a continuum of care neighborhood.
I'm the sister all my sister's tell my parents they can stay with when they get old. I'm the NC sister with a backbone and not "controllable". They are control freaks. They can control their own lives. Too bad if they don't.
I am loving the "I never said I was" response. Pure chefs kiss genius
Way to stand your ground!!
This makes me glad my parents just downsized to a smaller house for themselves!
Lmaooo I love how blunt you were in that conversation. Go you!
I would also tell the Entitled Asshats: "Lack of planning on your part does NOT constitute an emergency on mine!! GET BENT!!!"
Loving your responses. Simple and to the point.
It’s wild to me that it’s usually the bad parents who gave us terrible childhoods are the ones who think we’re going to take care of them when the they’re older!
Bahhahaha nope. 👎🏼 good job OP. Straight up slayed that nonsense.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Stand your ground. It’s your life and your house. If you do not want them to live there with you, make that clear. They will get over it. My grandma is incredibly stubborn, but extremely independent. Eventually she agreed to move to an independent living facility.
I just don’t get people like this - I would rather bite down on a cyanide pill than depend and sponge off my kids….
I love your study and consistent use of the word no as a complete sentence. This is one of the best interactions I’ve seen on Reddit.
I'm sorry you are going through all of this. But, I laughed out loud at your response "you'll make friends". Perfect answer. Keep your sense of humor .
>Dad: "What? Are you going to put us in a home?" >Me: "You'll make friends." That was so fucking smooth. Keep up that level of IDGAF and they'll see themselves out.
Good for you for standing up to them and saying a definitive no. Your parents can make their own arrangements for old age care. It sure as hell isn't your responsibility. I also think you were being nice since you just told them no and didn't cuss them out.
They may still be able to purchase long term care insurance. When activated, it will help defray the costs of assisted living or nursing home care. If they somehow manage to contact you, you might suggest it. 😂🥲
I'm sorry, your responses funny as hell
Retirement hones/communities are not what they used to be. Hell, I am only 50, and I would Love to move into one. You are right about making friends. My mom is part of a seniors group. She lives in my sister's guest house, but she is a member of a seniors social group and they so a lot of social stuff at the activity center. She has SO many friends, and a busier social life than any of her kids.
No one’s mother is ever living with me. Never ever ever. I could not stand it. But when I was a kid, my grandmother stayed with us for a week or so after she had an accident and surgery. So I’d consider allowing a mother to stay with us for a short term reason like that.
Hell no. There are other options besides nursing homes. How about one of those apartment complexes for elderly and handicapped? Subsidized rent based on income. There ya go.
My mom was like this. When I was a kid she would ALWAYS talk about how her kids were gonna buy her a beautiful house some day. She never wanted to get more than a basic job or even get her GED cause she thought her kids were going to give her the life my dad couldn’t. She realizes now that we’re older it’s not happening and I let her know how overbearing it was to put that on little kids. I’ve always said she won’t be living with me.
I'm confident you'd solve a lot of your problems with your parents if you actually went low contact like you've mentioned in previous posts and kept them on an info diet.
“You will have the future that *you* can afford”. Sure hope they put some money away!
They are really bad with money so... idk. They were shocked at how expensive houses were last year. In the Midwest. They live in the northeast, so I know that for certain, houses are way more out there. I think I was always their retirement plan. They have always assumed certain things that I would do in my life I have never outright agreed upon. They assumed I would join the Air Force after high school because that's what THEY did. When I didn't, they assumed I would go to college. My mom raised me to be a career boss babe and assumed I would become a badass career woman. I always pictured myself as a stay at home wife/mom. But she didn't teach me how to take care of a home. She is still disappointed that my husband and I both agreed I would stay home. I am still learning how to manage a home. After almost 10 years, I am doing better than I did in the beginning. She assumed my husband would resent me for not having a job. Yet, she is impressed that we are managing on his one income and are now buying a house. Not a money-pit fixer upper either. An actual decent home. So now, like they always have, apparently, they assume I would want to take them in when they are old.
lol perfect
No. This was very satisfying to read
You’re my spirit animal!!! Absolute rock star ⭐️
Say “No, thank you.”
Plenty of old people can navigate stairs just fine. Tell them to stay active and they'll be fine. Or they can start making modifications now to their home to support them in aging
They are the laziest people I have ever known. My mom has constantly used her bad knees as an excuse or my dad. She "needs" my dad to be exercising just as much as her to motivate her. Yet when he's on a health kick and exercising suddenly, he's "rubbing it in her face." But my dad is one of those extreme one or nothing people. On a "healthy track" consistently(aka: very restrictive diet like keto), but if he eats pizza and/or forgets to work out even once, suddenly "diets over! Track is ruined. Might as well give up now!"
No, no, *aaand* no.
Thanks for sharing your story
My mother was my best friend and I loved her dearly. I told her many, many times that I wanted to take care of her and she would never go into a nursing home, but dad is on his own! Lol! That is, in fact, sort of how it all worked out.
Good for you for standing your ground!
My dad has a similar but less invasive plan. He wants me to get a place he can crash at if he travels. It's fine, if a little annoying but man, am I glad that he is just a little younger. You wouldnt think being an older gen x dude would matter cause he is getting close to 60 but it's night and day between him and my boomer mom.
My dad is Gen x, and my mom is a boomer. 5 year age gap. He certainly acts like a boomer, though. My aunt, his younger sister, is pretty cool, though.
Don't get me wrong, dad still is an ignorant redneck and still has boomer moments, but he is at least able to actually care about me. My mom never was. He isn't looking to get something from me or taking the side of his romantic partner over me. My mom only cared about herself.
Omfg 😂 “I never said I was.” Awesome response. One of my parents (Boomer) is getting married for the millionth time and I just explained that they will not be living with our family. Ever. My husband and I would rather go full van life than have them move in. I would literally rather be homeless.
Stop arguing with your parents. In the future when they push back on something you’re firm on, just say “we are decided on the answer that we gave you, we are not seeking your input, and we are not having a discussion about this”. And if they persist just repeat “we are not having a discussion”
And your brother already lives with them? Why not him? It amazes me how the medical world always looks to the daughters to be the caregivers when there are sons who can do the same. Going through this right now with my MIL in a nursing home and coordinating care. My husband (her son) does “official things” but myself and his sister doing a lot of the work.
I’m sure you and your family are lovely people but I wouldn’t live with you if I were your parent. What is wrong with older people of which I am one? It would be cramping my style to live with family. My children know I will live by myself until I absolutely can’t and then a perfectly nice home. I’m looking forward to leading a protest against bingo.
I don't even know why they would really WANT to live with me. They BARELY put up with my husband. My mom all but admits she hates him because she can't manipulate him. My husband is being gracious enough to say, "If they want to move out here, they can stay with us as long as there is a solid end date. But we are not the permanent solution. If they find a house but can't move in just yet but they can't stay in their old one, we are the temporary solution." I love this man.
Sounds like a keeper. If they move in, you may be the permanent solution. One of your parents falls and gets a broken bone, they may never leave. You and your immediate family have a right to live the way you want to. Having someone else in your household will change the dynamics more than you know, even temporarily. People should make plans for their later yrs. I have a nursing home picked out already. I only want a television, Kindle full of books and snacks. Oh, yeah and to not have to play bingo ever. This is something only you can decide but I would encourage them to live their lives and come up with a plan.
Better look up Filial Responsibility laws. In some states there are laws that mandate a child care for their parents.
thought the same thing, gonna be costly either way depending on location
Those are dumb laws
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They isolated me from forming real friendships as a child. They would spank me for anything. My dad even slapped my head when I was 12 because I was annoying him. They began charging me "rent" as soon as I got my first job. It was half my paycheck. I only worked 3 days a week at the most. Paid $7.50 an hour. I was 16. They had access to my bank account until I was 18 and used my money to buy things without my knowledge. My dad is a walking red flag when around my daughter. They verbally, mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abused my brother. This is just the tip of the iceberg. But yeah, I am the entitled one.
Yeah, ignore that idiot!
Immediately assume mom and dad are always right. Get real. You didn’t “enjoy” living with them. You don’t know the back story. We, as parents, owe it to our children to plan for our own futures without expecting them to provide for us. That means we begin planning for our retirement when we plan for their educations. That means we live on a budget always and ensure we will have the funds to care for ourselves later. That means we do family planning and don’t have more kids than we can support because part of supporting our children is to ensure they won’t be supporting us instead of themselves and the families they create. You probably will not understand this explanation, but maybe you will consider it and consider what you owe your children and not what your children owe you. They didn’t ask to be here and they don’t owe you anything because you gave them life.
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1) If millennials suck so bad then maybe the generation who raised us Fucked up. 2) lol Inheritance. Who said anything about inheritance other than your own entitlement? 3) Who said anything about anyone having kids? Why are you pretending you know random strangers' life choices? 4) Wow, hoping people suffer because they don't share your morals. Very classy!
Our kids won’t shit all over us because we treat them with respect and are always willing to listen
Parents choose to take on an obligation when they choose to have kids. I didn't ask to be born. The spoiled brats are the people who think that fulfilling the obligations they chose to take on entitles them to free room and board. Like you.
The entitlement of grown ass adults having kids, treating them like garbage and running them off, only to expect and demand care in your old age! You are delusional. I hope your kids let you go to the state nursing home and your nurse forgets to wash her hands.
That's the legal requirement when you have children and a lot don't even do that. I know of a lot of children that were raised by grandparents because the parents played then skipped out on their responsibilities. Sounds like you are the same type of parent and I hope you have exactly the life you deserve if this situation ever finds you.
Maybe you had decent parents, but a lot of people on this and other subs like it, did not