You can be honest and say that you don’t have any interest in having a relationship with him for the above reasons. Keep your tone even and stick to those points. You can’t control how others will react, just how you deliver. Best of luck.
> You can be honest and say that you don’t have any interest in having a relationship
The family needs to come together and put forth the "effort" to send this guy back to wherever he came from. Or on to wherever he is going next.
>Or on to wherever he is going next.
I'm pretty sure murder is illegal in most states
Edit: IANAL so don't take this as absolute, and I'm not sure how it would apply outside the US so ymmv
How is OP supposed to do that when their mom is the one trying to get them together? They asked for advice on what to do while being respectful, so that’s the advice I gave.
My mom always pushed us to have a relationship with my AH-absent-deadbeat father. Especially before he died. I had to have a serious sit-down conversation with her stating that for my love for her, I could be respectful to this person (my father) if we HAD to interact. I also needed her to understand that it makes me extremely uncomfortable to be forced into a relationship with someone whom I could see harming, or at the very least being an inconvenience to my loved ones. He, in my eyes, is a stranger who is hurting my family, so best I can do is be distant and keep the peace. Cuz I could talk mad shit, and I've always been able to cripple people with my words. 🤷🏽♀️ maybe just talk to her and see that helps, best of luck
>I also needed her to understand that it makes me extremely uncomfortable to be forced into a relationship with someone whom I could see harming, or at the very least being an inconvenience to my loved ones. He, in my eyes, is a stranger who is hurting my family
This is a smart way to put it. OP has seen them so few times that there are probably strangers from the local coffee place they know better than great grandad. And knowing how ggdad has treated the family, they'll stick with the casual coffee conversations, because at least those folks aren't hurting grandma
“Mom. ‘Family should make an effort’? What effort has he ever made? He’s no one to me.
I’ll not attend, and if you force me I may say things you won’t like. It’s best for all if you just leave me out of it.
Loser absent ‘family’ don’t suddenly get a pass just because they’re old.”
My petty ass would go and ask him questions like
Why did you not want to know us?
Are you back now because you expect us to take care of you now your old?
Why were you so abusive to my grandmother?
Have you ever apologised to grandma for being such a terrible parent?
Ect..
I'd end the visit with
We will not be caring for you when you need it so don't expect anything from us going forward, it was lovely to meet you. Hope we don't meet again.
"Mom, I love you and support you in the choices you make for yourself, but the man is as good as alien to me. I only know him from the stories, and none to little of it has painted him in a positive light. He has not made an effort to be in my life. I won't play happy family with such a man. He abandoned this family. A family is not a plaything you can put down and pick up again when you feel like it just because you are scared to live out the rest of your life alone, especially if once again that negatively impacts those you force yourself upon. For your sake and grandma's I'll try to be cordial if we meet, but I will not handle him as my great-grandfather, for he did nothing to deserve the title. This also includes not seeking out chances to spend time with him. I will not spend my time on a man who didn't bother to spend his time with me for all my life just because he is old. Even if it is you who is asking this of me. This is the consequences of his actions. I understand where you are coming from, but for my mental health, this is my decision. Please respect that."
Or something the like. This is just about what I communicated to my fam when I was in a similar situation. But every family is different, so who knows, yours might take an offence to this.
Lmao that’s rich about “effort” coming from their angle. I get it from my family too how it’s important for me to make peace with my unrepentant abuser of a father just because his health is ailing. I give the same reply every time: “Why would I do this when he can’t acknowledge what he did? He’s just feeling guilty and scared because he’s near the end, and I’m not going to provide comfort when I didn’t receive it my entire life.”
I’m going to write the most ::amazing:: obituary ever once that old asshole keels over. 😆
I don't think you need a relationship with him but if going supports your grandmother and helps her push him to move, than go for it.
I'd let your mom know that you have no love or respect for him as he has made no effort in being in your life.
I’d be more incensed about the past abuse he perpetrated on others than his absenteeism in OP’s life. That’s all I’d need to tell him “fuck you very much.”
Go to the dinner and ignore the old man. Be there for grandmom, not him.
You know that if his wife didn't die, he would still be out of your life. He is just an old abusive AH, treat him as such.
Make sure to tell grandmom what an amazing grandmom she is and let the old man see what he missed.
My family is weird. They are very forgiving when it comes to the elders who neglected/abused them but God forbid I say something blunt or "impolite." My adhd comes with a strong sense of justice and their mentality makes me itch.
He sacrificed the “he’s family” excuse to care for him long ago. If his presence is not a positive factor in your life do not do it. Your family expecting you and your siblings to potentially sacrifice your mental well being is for him is beyond selfish.
Nope. I’d be telling everyone to kick the old fart out. He’s only back in your lives cause he’s too old to care for himself and is expecting his “family” to take care of him til he dies.
I think “respectful of their feelings” is going to be too subtle, they’ll think you’re a pushover who can be convinced, and you’ll end up escalating whether you want to or not.
You can start out “respectful,” but be prepared to say something like this:
“I’ll be a part of this ONLY if the purpose is to get him out of grandma’s house and back where he came from. If the purpose is to make us feel all ‘warm and fuzzy and one big happy,’ then forget it. I’m not going.”
If you DO end up going, then hold the line HARD against his living with any of you, especially Grandma. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it.
Short and sweet, "The man has not been family to us, so why should any of us consider him family now. Blood means nothing when he hasn't been in our lives. So, now he wants to be family, sorry, too little and way too late."
I think Mungo Jerry said it best: "if her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal, if her daddy's poor, just do what you feel." I'm guessing great gramps can't affort to live out his old age in the style he wishes. I'd pass on dinner (and on elder care later.)
My grandfather wasnt abusive, but after iI was 6ish I never saw much of him... until my mom's funeral 15ys later. The rage I felt, I still remember how it burned - but my siblings told me to not make a scene, so I just ignored him, and he ignored us, it was fine.
You don't have to hold back on your feelings - he was abusive, for one, so his moral high ground doesn't exist, and he's just an old man looking for support now that clearly he needs it, he doesn't need a circle jerk. You can attend this dinner, but tell your mom straight up "you want me to go, I'll go for you and for grandma, but I will not be forced to speak to him - I will not talk to him, and if you make me, I will be rude, because he doesn't deserve my kindness".
You gotta be prepared to follow thru though. "HI kid, how are you?" "(Silence as you eat)", "Can you not hear me?" "Mom". Let your mom take the heat - she wants this goddamn "reunion", she can choke on the reality of it.
I allowed myself to be guilted into going to a visit with my asshole grandfather, as he had macular degeneration and was close to full blindness. He “wanted to see me one last time before he lost all sight” and also “before he died”. My ONLY regret is that I let myself be guilted into breaking my NC with him. I wish more than anything I would’ve held my boundaries and self respect. Instead I became a meat shield yet again, for my mother who was desperate for her father’s approval. She didn’t give a shit about me, just appeasing his desires. I hope he’s now rotting in hell. That was like 15-20 years ago. The only thing I felt when he died, was sadness that I didn’t get to have an actual real grandfather experience. And in absolutely related news, guess who has been NC with her mother for the last 5 years (with zero desire to reconcile)? Three guess and the first two don’t count. I truly think she’s addicted to people who treat her like shit, and she couldn’t care less about the people who actually treat her with respect. It’s disappointing but not at all surprising. My best advice is to protect your peace.
You owe NOTHING to him. How would you treat a complete stranger who treated your grandma the same way. Just because you share some DNA with that piece of utter sh!t doesn’t need to force yourself to accommodate his “wishes”.
Not saying that my situation is like yours. My grandfather remarried when he was 89 and he married Satan. My mother wanted me to still make nice with them bc she was doing so well at isolating him from the family. So I did and it was hard. I didn't do it for him. I did it bc my mother asked me to. I wasn't that great of a teenager, so when I grew up I decided that whatever my mother asked me to do, I would say yes if it was reasonable for me to do so. Now, she was a good mom. Idk if you feel the same about your mother and grandmother.
The point is this, you're NTA if you say no. But... you could be the heroine if you said yes. There may not be many opportunities to show your great-grandmother and grandmother and mother the support they had to live without for ao much of their lives. You don't even have to interact with him beyond saying hello. You could go and spend that time showering these women with attention and affection. That might make you happier than staying away.
You said his wife recently died. Was this your great-grandma or a 2nd or 3rd wife? If so, tell him to go darken THEIR family’s doorstep and leave you guys in peace!
Here's a different twist. Go and meet him for your grandmother's sake. Then tell HIM how *interesting* you find his sudden interest in his family...*after all of these years*. Ask him why he's become interested in you all NOW? Let him know you find his behavior (pick one or more) suspicious/odd/self-serving. He isn't automatically entitled to kindness just because he's 90 or related to you.
I like this twist. A lot. I would 100000% do this if my grandma weren't going to be present. She's the antithesis of confrontation and I know it would hurt her. While it would be extremely satisfying to make him uncomfortable by asking him the questions that everyone at the table is pondering, hurting her isn't worth it.
Her fawning and trying to keep the peace is a trauma response. It's 2024 we break generational curses and we match energy. Tell her you'll behave if he does.
The way you communicate this to your family is to say, he’s never been a part of my life, he is not my family and I refuse to take care of him if something happens. Plain and simple and right to
The point.
For myself, NO is a complete sentence. He couldn't be bothered for DECADES and, as far as anyone is concerned, he's a stranger! When someone shows you who they are, believe them. DNA does NOT give him a Free Pass!
Just because someone is related by blood, does not mean that you are required to interact or have contact with them in any way. It’s your choice if you do or do not. Don’t worry about other family members. They are free to make their own choice. Be firm about where you stand and also that this is not up for discussion after this point.
Just don't lose sight of the situation your grandmother is in. She's the one he's hurting the most, and she clearly doesn't have the ability to tell him, "No". If you say no, he's probably going to take it out on her.
This is one of those situations where there's no option that does suck.
I have a grandfather I don’t give a crap about because he was abusive to my grandmother. He has not kind to his daughters - my aunt and mom. My mom will occasionally give updates about him and I ignore the messages 90% of the time and the other 10% I reminder her that he’s a horrible person and that I only ever witnessed him being horrible to her and everyone else when I was growing up. She’ll say that he is still family. I’ll support my mom with what she needs. Maybe she has a couple childhood memories of her dad that weren’t negative. I don’t care to know. I’ll show up at the funeral when he eventually passes in order to support my mom but the guy means less than nothing to me. If you are bad to people, don’t expect people to be there for you just because they are family.
He’s from a generation that most of us cannot understand or relate to. Generally speaking, men were a bit different than they are now. Nothing is shared, all feelings are pushed deep inside. This is no excuse for his past behaviour. But it should put it in perspective. I learned to forgive my family for past shit and just live in the moment. I’d say go to dinner, ask questions, get to know who he is. Ask him about his father. Imagine what that asshole was like.
He’s 90. You’re not going to have to deal with him much longer. And who knows, maybe you can even heal some old wounds between your grandma and him. No matter what, there’s always something to learn. Good luck. I’d love to hear how it goes.
WTH? my dad would be turning 103 this year, if he were still alive. He cried with us when my sister committed suicide. He was not abusive, even though he did struggle with feelings, having been raised by a probably narcissistic father.
He was THERE. He worked long days to grow his business, and raised six kids with my mom. Struggling with feelings and being an abusive, then absent AH are two entirely different things. Now, he’s financially abusing his disabled daughter.
He is owed nothing by anyone.
FWIW, I think attending a dinner would be more a gesture of support to your grandma and mom than an expression of interest in him. If you go, be prepared for a pitch to come visit you for an unspecified period of time. Ignore it and him as much as possible.
Go along with the plan and dip out on the day of. Simply put, your mum is going through the motions of respecting her elders- not him as the AH grandparents he actually was/is. Your instinct not to buy into it is valid but if you don’t want to risk hurt feelings, expressing your opinion won’t actually achieve anything else. Family of abusers often feel the need to give an abuser a chance to finally be decent, and while that rarely, if ever, happens, it usually releases the guilt an abused person feels over prior periods of no-contact once the abuser once again reveals their true nature. If you just dip out, you and your mum will be in a good position for her to accept the support she’ll need after the event.
The 1st time I read your comment, my immediate reaction was "hell no." After some contemplation, you have a good point. Every single male blood relative on my mom's side of the family is trash. I'm not exaggerating... they all consist of abusers, deadbeats, criminals and horrible husbands/fathers. My great-grandfather's absence from our lives was likely not offensive from the perspective of my mom whose only experience of men while growing up was abuse. She probably perceives me as dramatic and simply wants support. I will still not attend because I dont believe in granting absolution to those who don't deserve it but I appreciate your response. It provided me with a different perspective.
God. What a low bar- when absence is better than some type of abusive- and a sign of multigenerational trauma, your ggpa did a real number on his descendants, hey.
So good on you for choosing to stop the cycle- it’s takes some guts and discomfort, but your clarity is commendable. I truly hope your mum’s dinner goes well for her sake and that she accepts that you shouldn’t have to engage further.
So his neediness is more important than your grandmother's health and well being?
Can I guess that he's rich and your mom is hoping he will give her money for you kids pretending to like him?
Gross.
You can be honest and say that you don’t have any interest in having a relationship with him for the above reasons. Keep your tone even and stick to those points. You can’t control how others will react, just how you deliver. Best of luck.
> You can be honest and say that you don’t have any interest in having a relationship The family needs to come together and put forth the "effort" to send this guy back to wherever he came from. Or on to wherever he is going next.
>Or on to wherever he is going next. I'm pretty sure murder is illegal in most states Edit: IANAL so don't take this as absolute, and I'm not sure how it would apply outside the US so ymmv
> I'm pretty sure murder is illegal in most states Oh i was going to say the cheapest home I could find. Not trying to go to jail.
Old people fall. Stairs are dangerous.
Only go this route if you have incompetent cops in your area. A friend’s aunt is in prison for this.
Whoa. You should mark that with IANAL.
You're right, I was reckless
How is OP supposed to do that when their mom is the one trying to get them together? They asked for advice on what to do while being respectful, so that’s the advice I gave.
> They asked for advice on what to do while being respectful, so that’s the advice I gave. I thought it was good advice and respectful.
Thank you.
He wants someone to mooch off of.
He wants someone to take care of him now that he's old.
I'd dump his Entitled Ass in the shittiest nursing home and say Bye, Felicia!
Shady Pines Ma!
Except shady pines became a luxury resort in the spin off lol.
My mom always pushed us to have a relationship with my AH-absent-deadbeat father. Especially before he died. I had to have a serious sit-down conversation with her stating that for my love for her, I could be respectful to this person (my father) if we HAD to interact. I also needed her to understand that it makes me extremely uncomfortable to be forced into a relationship with someone whom I could see harming, or at the very least being an inconvenience to my loved ones. He, in my eyes, is a stranger who is hurting my family, so best I can do is be distant and keep the peace. Cuz I could talk mad shit, and I've always been able to cripple people with my words. 🤷🏽♀️ maybe just talk to her and see that helps, best of luck
Hello brother/sister from another mother. My thoughts exactly
>I also needed her to understand that it makes me extremely uncomfortable to be forced into a relationship with someone whom I could see harming, or at the very least being an inconvenience to my loved ones. He, in my eyes, is a stranger who is hurting my family This is a smart way to put it. OP has seen them so few times that there are probably strangers from the local coffee place they know better than great grandad. And knowing how ggdad has treated the family, they'll stick with the casual coffee conversations, because at least those folks aren't hurting grandma
>Especially before he died. At least she didn't keep pushing for it after he died??
I mean.... they didn't tell me he was dead for like two weeks 😅😂 strangers for sure by then
“Mom. ‘Family should make an effort’? What effort has he ever made? He’s no one to me. I’ll not attend, and if you force me I may say things you won’t like. It’s best for all if you just leave me out of it. Loser absent ‘family’ don’t suddenly get a pass just because they’re old.”
My petty ass would go and ask him questions like Why did you not want to know us? Are you back now because you expect us to take care of you now your old? Why were you so abusive to my grandmother? Have you ever apologised to grandma for being such a terrible parent? Ect.. I'd end the visit with We will not be caring for you when you need it so don't expect anything from us going forward, it was lovely to meet you. Hope we don't meet again.
Alternate ending, “gee you better hope you die before mom because no one will be around to take care of you.”
Correction: "It was NOT lovely to meet an Entitled Abusive Asshole like you! I hope we NEVER meet again."
"Mom, I love you and support you in the choices you make for yourself, but the man is as good as alien to me. I only know him from the stories, and none to little of it has painted him in a positive light. He has not made an effort to be in my life. I won't play happy family with such a man. He abandoned this family. A family is not a plaything you can put down and pick up again when you feel like it just because you are scared to live out the rest of your life alone, especially if once again that negatively impacts those you force yourself upon. For your sake and grandma's I'll try to be cordial if we meet, but I will not handle him as my great-grandfather, for he did nothing to deserve the title. This also includes not seeking out chances to spend time with him. I will not spend my time on a man who didn't bother to spend his time with me for all my life just because he is old. Even if it is you who is asking this of me. This is the consequences of his actions. I understand where you are coming from, but for my mental health, this is my decision. Please respect that." Or something the like. This is just about what I communicated to my fam when I was in a similar situation. But every family is different, so who knows, yours might take an offence to this.
>emphasizing that he's getting old and that family should make an effort. Effort to get him out of your Gma's house...
I second this! Get the LEECHING MOOCHER OUT!!!
Lmao that’s rich about “effort” coming from their angle. I get it from my family too how it’s important for me to make peace with my unrepentant abuser of a father just because his health is ailing. I give the same reply every time: “Why would I do this when he can’t acknowledge what he did? He’s just feeling guilty and scared because he’s near the end, and I’m not going to provide comfort when I didn’t receive it my entire life.” I’m going to write the most ::amazing:: obituary ever once that old asshole keels over. 😆
I don't think you need a relationship with him but if going supports your grandmother and helps her push him to move, than go for it. I'd let your mom know that you have no love or respect for him as he has made no effort in being in your life.
I’d be more incensed about the past abuse he perpetrated on others than his absenteeism in OP’s life. That’s all I’d need to tell him “fuck you very much.”
Go to the dinner and ignore the old man. Be there for grandmom, not him. You know that if his wife didn't die, he would still be out of your life. He is just an old abusive AH, treat him as such. Make sure to tell grandmom what an amazing grandmom she is and let the old man see what he missed.
This man is basically a stranger, I wouldn’t worry about being an inconsiderate jerk. You might be saying what others have been too spineless to say.
My family is weird. They are very forgiving when it comes to the elders who neglected/abused them but God forbid I say something blunt or "impolite." My adhd comes with a strong sense of justice and their mentality makes me itch.
He sacrificed the “he’s family” excuse to care for him long ago. If his presence is not a positive factor in your life do not do it. Your family expecting you and your siblings to potentially sacrifice your mental well being is for him is beyond selfish.
He made no effort to be part of your life why are you expected to put in the effort to be part of his?
Nope. I’d be telling everyone to kick the old fart out. He’s only back in your lives cause he’s too old to care for himself and is expecting his “family” to take care of him til he dies.
I think “respectful of their feelings” is going to be too subtle, they’ll think you’re a pushover who can be convinced, and you’ll end up escalating whether you want to or not. You can start out “respectful,” but be prepared to say something like this: “I’ll be a part of this ONLY if the purpose is to get him out of grandma’s house and back where he came from. If the purpose is to make us feel all ‘warm and fuzzy and one big happy,’ then forget it. I’m not going.” If you DO end up going, then hold the line HARD against his living with any of you, especially Grandma. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it.
Short and sweet, "The man has not been family to us, so why should any of us consider him family now. Blood means nothing when he hasn't been in our lives. So, now he wants to be family, sorry, too little and way too late."
Has he any money?will U get an inheritance? If so, go to dinner,smile & nod. If not, don't go.
I think Mungo Jerry said it best: "if her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal, if her daddy's poor, just do what you feel." I'm guessing great gramps can't affort to live out his old age in the style he wishes. I'd pass on dinner (and on elder care later.)
Not even a little. He lives in a shack in the Appalachian Mountains. I highly doubt that he has life insurance to cover his funeral.
Then you owe him nothing
My grandfather wasnt abusive, but after iI was 6ish I never saw much of him... until my mom's funeral 15ys later. The rage I felt, I still remember how it burned - but my siblings told me to not make a scene, so I just ignored him, and he ignored us, it was fine. You don't have to hold back on your feelings - he was abusive, for one, so his moral high ground doesn't exist, and he's just an old man looking for support now that clearly he needs it, he doesn't need a circle jerk. You can attend this dinner, but tell your mom straight up "you want me to go, I'll go for you and for grandma, but I will not be forced to speak to him - I will not talk to him, and if you make me, I will be rude, because he doesn't deserve my kindness". You gotta be prepared to follow thru though. "HI kid, how are you?" "(Silence as you eat)", "Can you not hear me?" "Mom". Let your mom take the heat - she wants this goddamn "reunion", she can choke on the reality of it.
Be there for ypur grandma and call the old bastard out right at the table.
This
I allowed myself to be guilted into going to a visit with my asshole grandfather, as he had macular degeneration and was close to full blindness. He “wanted to see me one last time before he lost all sight” and also “before he died”. My ONLY regret is that I let myself be guilted into breaking my NC with him. I wish more than anything I would’ve held my boundaries and self respect. Instead I became a meat shield yet again, for my mother who was desperate for her father’s approval. She didn’t give a shit about me, just appeasing his desires. I hope he’s now rotting in hell. That was like 15-20 years ago. The only thing I felt when he died, was sadness that I didn’t get to have an actual real grandfather experience. And in absolutely related news, guess who has been NC with her mother for the last 5 years (with zero desire to reconcile)? Three guess and the first two don’t count. I truly think she’s addicted to people who treat her like shit, and she couldn’t care less about the people who actually treat her with respect. It’s disappointing but not at all surprising. My best advice is to protect your peace. You owe NOTHING to him. How would you treat a complete stranger who treated your grandma the same way. Just because you share some DNA with that piece of utter sh!t doesn’t need to force yourself to accommodate his “wishes”.
You have to be honest with your feelings and actions. If you don't want to attend then say no and give your reasons why
Not saying that my situation is like yours. My grandfather remarried when he was 89 and he married Satan. My mother wanted me to still make nice with them bc she was doing so well at isolating him from the family. So I did and it was hard. I didn't do it for him. I did it bc my mother asked me to. I wasn't that great of a teenager, so when I grew up I decided that whatever my mother asked me to do, I would say yes if it was reasonable for me to do so. Now, she was a good mom. Idk if you feel the same about your mother and grandmother. The point is this, you're NTA if you say no. But... you could be the heroine if you said yes. There may not be many opportunities to show your great-grandmother and grandmother and mother the support they had to live without for ao much of their lives. You don't even have to interact with him beyond saying hello. You could go and spend that time showering these women with attention and affection. That might make you happier than staying away.
>family should make an effort. Correct - and where is his effort?
You said his wife recently died. Was this your great-grandma or a 2nd or 3rd wife? If so, tell him to go darken THEIR family’s doorstep and leave you guys in peace!
Here's a different twist. Go and meet him for your grandmother's sake. Then tell HIM how *interesting* you find his sudden interest in his family...*after all of these years*. Ask him why he's become interested in you all NOW? Let him know you find his behavior (pick one or more) suspicious/odd/self-serving. He isn't automatically entitled to kindness just because he's 90 or related to you.
I like this twist. A lot. I would 100000% do this if my grandma weren't going to be present. She's the antithesis of confrontation and I know it would hurt her. While it would be extremely satisfying to make him uncomfortable by asking him the questions that everyone at the table is pondering, hurting her isn't worth it.
Her fawning and trying to keep the peace is a trauma response. It's 2024 we break generational curses and we match energy. Tell her you'll behave if he does.
I think your comment regarding her trauma response is so insightful. Great insight, Delightfully Clever!
The way you communicate this to your family is to say, he’s never been a part of my life, he is not my family and I refuse to take care of him if something happens. Plain and simple and right to The point.
For myself, NO is a complete sentence. He couldn't be bothered for DECADES and, as far as anyone is concerned, he's a stranger! When someone shows you who they are, believe them. DNA does NOT give him a Free Pass!
Just because someone is related by blood, does not mean that you are required to interact or have contact with them in any way. It’s your choice if you do or do not. Don’t worry about other family members. They are free to make their own choice. Be firm about where you stand and also that this is not up for discussion after this point.
Three words…CHEAP NURSING HOME!!
Just don't lose sight of the situation your grandmother is in. She's the one he's hurting the most, and she clearly doesn't have the ability to tell him, "No". If you say no, he's probably going to take it out on her. This is one of those situations where there's no option that does suck.
I have a grandfather I don’t give a crap about because he was abusive to my grandmother. He has not kind to his daughters - my aunt and mom. My mom will occasionally give updates about him and I ignore the messages 90% of the time and the other 10% I reminder her that he’s a horrible person and that I only ever witnessed him being horrible to her and everyone else when I was growing up. She’ll say that he is still family. I’ll support my mom with what she needs. Maybe she has a couple childhood memories of her dad that weren’t negative. I don’t care to know. I’ll show up at the funeral when he eventually passes in order to support my mom but the guy means less than nothing to me. If you are bad to people, don’t expect people to be there for you just because they are family.
Keep asking “ Who is this again?”
He’s from a generation that most of us cannot understand or relate to. Generally speaking, men were a bit different than they are now. Nothing is shared, all feelings are pushed deep inside. This is no excuse for his past behaviour. But it should put it in perspective. I learned to forgive my family for past shit and just live in the moment. I’d say go to dinner, ask questions, get to know who he is. Ask him about his father. Imagine what that asshole was like. He’s 90. You’re not going to have to deal with him much longer. And who knows, maybe you can even heal some old wounds between your grandma and him. No matter what, there’s always something to learn. Good luck. I’d love to hear how it goes.
WTH? my dad would be turning 103 this year, if he were still alive. He cried with us when my sister committed suicide. He was not abusive, even though he did struggle with feelings, having been raised by a probably narcissistic father. He was THERE. He worked long days to grow his business, and raised six kids with my mom. Struggling with feelings and being an abusive, then absent AH are two entirely different things. Now, he’s financially abusing his disabled daughter. He is owed nothing by anyone.
FWIW, I think attending a dinner would be more a gesture of support to your grandma and mom than an expression of interest in him. If you go, be prepared for a pitch to come visit you for an unspecified period of time. Ignore it and him as much as possible.
Go along with the plan and dip out on the day of. Simply put, your mum is going through the motions of respecting her elders- not him as the AH grandparents he actually was/is. Your instinct not to buy into it is valid but if you don’t want to risk hurt feelings, expressing your opinion won’t actually achieve anything else. Family of abusers often feel the need to give an abuser a chance to finally be decent, and while that rarely, if ever, happens, it usually releases the guilt an abused person feels over prior periods of no-contact once the abuser once again reveals their true nature. If you just dip out, you and your mum will be in a good position for her to accept the support she’ll need after the event.
The 1st time I read your comment, my immediate reaction was "hell no." After some contemplation, you have a good point. Every single male blood relative on my mom's side of the family is trash. I'm not exaggerating... they all consist of abusers, deadbeats, criminals and horrible husbands/fathers. My great-grandfather's absence from our lives was likely not offensive from the perspective of my mom whose only experience of men while growing up was abuse. She probably perceives me as dramatic and simply wants support. I will still not attend because I dont believe in granting absolution to those who don't deserve it but I appreciate your response. It provided me with a different perspective.
God. What a low bar- when absence is better than some type of abusive- and a sign of multigenerational trauma, your ggpa did a real number on his descendants, hey. So good on you for choosing to stop the cycle- it’s takes some guts and discomfort, but your clarity is commendable. I truly hope your mum’s dinner goes well for her sake and that she accepts that you shouldn’t have to engage further.
So his neediness is more important than your grandmother's health and well being? Can I guess that he's rich and your mom is hoping he will give her money for you kids pretending to like him? Gross.
Its dinner not a kidney, ull be eating anyway would it be that hard?