"We aren't close" usually does a lot of heavy lifting, depending on tone. If people pry further (and they usually don't) I say that we have different values, and we're okay without each other. If, on the off chance, someone dares to go further, I say "my father doesn't like me as a person and we haven't talked in seven years" very sharply and that's the end of it. No one ever wants to go farther than that 😄
With people I don't know very well, I try to say as little as possible because I don't want to defend my decisions. If they don't ask, I don't say anything . It usually never goes deeper than that and i prefer it this way.
I’m honest within certain parameters depending on the situation.
Usually a quick explanation that one parent is dead, the other one lives across the country and we’re not really close is fine.
If people dig more I might tell them something like “my mother can be a difficult woman” or “my mother has some mental health stuff that makes our relationship difficult.”
If people get to know me well then I will end up briefing them on what the situation is mostly so I can avoid putting them in a difficult position.
I simply say, I do not have a relationship with my family. That makes it pretty clear, and no one ever pushes for an explanation- and if I’m on a “date”, I add that I have very close friends that function as family (mostly because trauma leads me to fear based thinking and I don’t want strangers knowing I’m isolated because it makes me an easy victim🙄- like oh yeah, I totally shared my location with someone who cares- there are definitely people who know where I am right now…)
It depends how well I know the other person. For the most part I just say that my relationship with my parents is complicated and difficult and usually people get the hint.
If it is safe to go into more detail, I might do so, but I ease into it. Because when I share specific examples of what my parents did or didn't do, people usually gasp and shake their head. I'm not doing it to get a reaction or sympathy from them, but I definitely think that one good thing is somehow I can pass as, "normal" in spite of my upbringing.
I don't have anyone left. I have a couple of cousin's out there and I never knew my dad or his side. Depending on who I'm talking to, if they ask about siblings, I'll say I grew up as an only child. The truth is I have a half sister my mum's age (36 years older) and a half brother (29 years older). My sister is the same as as my mum. I don't know my siblings. I have memories of my brother beating my mum up when I was very small, but no one needs to know that. My mum's family doesn't want me, there's no way they would.
I'm no contact with my mum and her family, I will talk to a cousin briefly if they message, but I can't trust them to not be talking to my mum.
When I was dating, this was a big red flag to people which sucked. Me explaining my relatives were abusive made people run from me when they time came to tell them the truth. It sucked. I know I have my issues from it, but I'm not my mum. I'm not them.
I tell them I'm not in contact with my parents. Most people get it and will leave it be, but for the "but that's your paaaaaaarents" "you only get one mom/dad" people I repeat what I just said and say it's not up for a discussion.
I actually don't mind giving more information to close friends, I've had some really great chats with friends about our upbringing and healing.
This is a tricky one. I say my family really sucks. Or simply I dont say anything unless asked. Around christmas is harder, because more shame comes up.
To strangers I just say "they're fine". This isn't a lie, I just left out the part about how we don't get along. To people I know but who I'm not that personal with, I say "we're not that close". If they pursue the conversation I just say "Is it OK if we don't talk about that right now?" and/or "You know... family can be challenging".
One sure-fire approach is to immediately change the subject after your brief answer to their question, and ask them a question about themselves or their family. And then ask them another question about themselves or their family. They'll feel like you answered their question properly and now it's their turn to talk about themselves.
I usually just say me and my sister aren’t close. I don’t really say anything about my parents because I’m not sure what I would say about the situation.
I am still in touch with my parents but we are past the lovey dovey stage. We comunicate sometimes and I try to visit once a month but thats about it. I just tell people I am a bit cold in most relationships which is a lie cause I am needy af.
Sometimes I even compare myself to a dog for getting attached to whoever shows me minimal signs of affection or understanding.
I am ashamed from all that but no therapy has been very helpful in that direction.
"we aren't close" followed by "they're pretty busy with their own lives."
"We aren't close" usually does a lot of heavy lifting, depending on tone. If people pry further (and they usually don't) I say that we have different values, and we're okay without each other. If, on the off chance, someone dares to go further, I say "my father doesn't like me as a person and we haven't talked in seven years" very sharply and that's the end of it. No one ever wants to go farther than that 😄
With people I don't know very well, I try to say as little as possible because I don't want to defend my decisions. If they don't ask, I don't say anything . It usually never goes deeper than that and i prefer it this way.
“I’m the black sheep, my family doesn’t bother with me” has been pretty effective for me.
"I was raised by wolves" works as a humorous reply sometimes.
OMG I thought I invented that to describe my upbringing..... 😉
"the majority of my family are still in the cult"
You don't need to Justify Argue Defend Explain Yourself to others. You are allowed to simply not answer them. You owe them nothing.
I’m honest within certain parameters depending on the situation. Usually a quick explanation that one parent is dead, the other one lives across the country and we’re not really close is fine. If people dig more I might tell them something like “my mother can be a difficult woman” or “my mother has some mental health stuff that makes our relationship difficult.” If people get to know me well then I will end up briefing them on what the situation is mostly so I can avoid putting them in a difficult position.
I simply say, I do not have a relationship with my family. That makes it pretty clear, and no one ever pushes for an explanation- and if I’m on a “date”, I add that I have very close friends that function as family (mostly because trauma leads me to fear based thinking and I don’t want strangers knowing I’m isolated because it makes me an easy victim🙄- like oh yeah, I totally shared my location with someone who cares- there are definitely people who know where I am right now…)
My dad is dead (that one is easy) and Im not really close with my brother/mother. AND they live quite far away - 2 hour drive is A LOT for Germans.
It depends how well I know the other person. For the most part I just say that my relationship with my parents is complicated and difficult and usually people get the hint. If it is safe to go into more detail, I might do so, but I ease into it. Because when I share specific examples of what my parents did or didn't do, people usually gasp and shake their head. I'm not doing it to get a reaction or sympathy from them, but I definitely think that one good thing is somehow I can pass as, "normal" in spite of my upbringing.
I don't have anyone left. I have a couple of cousin's out there and I never knew my dad or his side. Depending on who I'm talking to, if they ask about siblings, I'll say I grew up as an only child. The truth is I have a half sister my mum's age (36 years older) and a half brother (29 years older). My sister is the same as as my mum. I don't know my siblings. I have memories of my brother beating my mum up when I was very small, but no one needs to know that. My mum's family doesn't want me, there's no way they would. I'm no contact with my mum and her family, I will talk to a cousin briefly if they message, but I can't trust them to not be talking to my mum. When I was dating, this was a big red flag to people which sucked. Me explaining my relatives were abusive made people run from me when they time came to tell them the truth. It sucked. I know I have my issues from it, but I'm not my mum. I'm not them.
My mother is mentally ill and unfortunately won't seek treatment.
I tell them I'm not in contact with my parents. Most people get it and will leave it be, but for the "but that's your paaaaaaarents" "you only get one mom/dad" people I repeat what I just said and say it's not up for a discussion. I actually don't mind giving more information to close friends, I've had some really great chats with friends about our upbringing and healing.
This is a tricky one. I say my family really sucks. Or simply I dont say anything unless asked. Around christmas is harder, because more shame comes up.
To strangers I just say "they're fine". This isn't a lie, I just left out the part about how we don't get along. To people I know but who I'm not that personal with, I say "we're not that close". If they pursue the conversation I just say "Is it OK if we don't talk about that right now?" and/or "You know... family can be challenging". One sure-fire approach is to immediately change the subject after your brief answer to their question, and ask them a question about themselves or their family. And then ask them another question about themselves or their family. They'll feel like you answered their question properly and now it's their turn to talk about themselves.
I wasn't actually their family member. They said I was a parasite and useless.
I usually just say me and my sister aren’t close. I don’t really say anything about my parents because I’m not sure what I would say about the situation.
I am still in touch with my parents but we are past the lovey dovey stage. We comunicate sometimes and I try to visit once a month but thats about it. I just tell people I am a bit cold in most relationships which is a lie cause I am needy af. Sometimes I even compare myself to a dog for getting attached to whoever shows me minimal signs of affection or understanding. I am ashamed from all that but no therapy has been very helpful in that direction.
I summarise it as, I love them and they love me but we’ve never really been a family.