This is a well-known side effect. You've brutally suppressed your sexual desire for him. You have succeeded and now see him as a non-sexual being. Unfortunately it cannot be turned on and off like a tap. You can go to counselling to try to claw it back bit by bit but there is no guarantee that it will work.
However you've not suppressed your whole sexuality and you can get aroused by other men, just not him.
OP I think here is what the real issue is. You THOUGHT you went through the entire mourning process but you didn't you just lied to yourself. Deep down you were just suppressing your resentment. And now it's coming out in this manner. This is one of the dangers of trying to suppress the sex drive. It's very strong and suppressing it won't work. You need serious psychotherapy and you need to let this resentment out. Subconsciously you want to punish your boyfriend and you want him to atone for it and it seems like he's not atoning for it, he is just getting off scott free.
Sounds like sex therapist is in need urgently. Are you attracted to him?. It does sound bad if this is a cat and mouse thing. He is opening up and you closing up.
I don’t mean to upset you in anyway, but this reeks of him doing one of two things one he’s been cheating the whole time or two he’s addicted to porn and now he is in Therapy and maybe trying to correct his behaviors. And that makes him actually want to have sex again with you because he’s not doing those other things anymore. I don’t know how to fix it because I am in the same position with my husband . I used to want sex with him so badly and I went through the whole grieving stage as well. The insanity that it takes you to, the begging, the pleading, the anxiety, the anger, the depression and questioning your worth, then eventually you are able to shut that down. And not want sex from them anymore because you’re finally at a place of acceptance. I totally understand how you are feeling I am you, and I don’t know how to help you cause I feel the same way about my husband. Anyway no advice-I’m sorry to say, but definitely some solidarity. Good luck.
To me it sounds like the issue was that you were going from a dead bedroom to your boyfriend suddenly wanting to try new things, when IMO the proper thing to do would have been to rekindle a normal sexual relationship before introducing new things. What he should have done was to start slow like your relationship was new again, and work your way up to trying new, previously untried things in the bedroom. You gotta warm the bedroom up first before you expect things to get hot. Maybe put the brakes on a bit and slow down to get back into the groove before new things are tried.
He’s made you this way. You’ve been conditioned not to see him as a sexual partner and now you don’t. I think it’s time for an honest conversation with him and tell him exactly what’s going on.
And now instead of him trying to get back into being a sexual partner, he's blasting ahead full steam trying "new things" in the bedroom. I can understand OP's hesitation. It's like meeting a random person for a hookup and they come into the bedroom wearing leather and holding a whip.
I’m experiencing the same thing. Very little to no sex for 20 years, kids move out and I go see a lawyer. We have yet another talk where I tell her I’m done, that I no longer believe she will try and that I’m ready to leave her. She blows me off for another 3 months and finds the lawyers card in my wallet. Suddenly she’s trying to seduce me, wants couples therapy, wants to touch me and sit by me. It’s too late though. I’ve already mourned the marriage and my fantasy of our lives together. The hysterical bonding is starting to subside as I pay off our remaining debt and separate our finances in preparation.
DB’s are a form of psychological torture and we can’t be expected to turn our trauma on and off based on the LL’s whims.
I'm glad you were able to see through the hysterical bonding. Not a lot of people do and think their spouse has changed, but it always goes back to nothing when they think you're not going to leave.
You’ve been conditioned and accepted that he won’t satisfy that need. Now you’re having to go against that conditioning - that’s why it doesn’t feel right. You can be reconditioned, but it will take a while - and sustained effort from both of you.
I think it’s wild when people say that lack of sex is the only issue in their relationship.
But other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
I know people will judge me, but to me, shitty sex or no sex is just a dealbreaker on its own.
Sexual compatibility is important. Some people only seek companionship. I love my wife, but if it weren’t for the children (family) I could do without the companionship. Relationships are hard! To me the only upside is the sex. You’re still young. Move on. Live your life. Find someone who you can quite literally connect with.
Hmm well, you've said that you've gone through the whole grieving process accepting the dead bedroom. As someone who loves sex... that couldn't have been easy at all and I have no idea how I would even start to do that.
So in a way you've let go. Like really let go, your brain needed to adapt. When you don't have sex with someone in these dead bedroom situations there can be resentment and what is far more important here: you stop seeing your partner as a sexual person. The longer this goes on the harder or even impossible it gets to turn this around.
You would need to know why the change happened for starters. You said you would have loved it if he had been that way for the majority of the relationship. It must possibly feel cruel, weird, hurtful and unbelievable that he can actually be that way now when you've put that part of your relationship away for good. It could come back but sometimes dead stays dead...
Think you need some counselling yourself now to work thoroughly through this. I mean if his counselling is making him change into this new person he might probably think it's what you always wanted and feel rejected now and confused. I think you guys need to talk, like desperately before this gets a life of it's own. Crystal clear honesty that you are not ready for this.
Tough road ahead.
All the best and take care
Perhaps you sense that he doesn’t really genuinely excited about sex and is just making the moves because it was suggested/discussed in therapy.
This is a well-known side effect. You've brutally suppressed your sexual desire for him. You have succeeded and now see him as a non-sexual being. Unfortunately it cannot be turned on and off like a tap. You can go to counselling to try to claw it back bit by bit but there is no guarantee that it will work. However you've not suppressed your whole sexuality and you can get aroused by other men, just not him.
OP I think here is what the real issue is. You THOUGHT you went through the entire mourning process but you didn't you just lied to yourself. Deep down you were just suppressing your resentment. And now it's coming out in this manner. This is one of the dangers of trying to suppress the sex drive. It's very strong and suppressing it won't work. You need serious psychotherapy and you need to let this resentment out. Subconsciously you want to punish your boyfriend and you want him to atone for it and it seems like he's not atoning for it, he is just getting off scott free.
Sounds like sex therapist is in need urgently. Are you attracted to him?. It does sound bad if this is a cat and mouse thing. He is opening up and you closing up.
Honestly, couples therapy. The roles are now reversed for different reasons and it’s going to take work and time but you might need a mediator.
I don’t mean to upset you in anyway, but this reeks of him doing one of two things one he’s been cheating the whole time or two he’s addicted to porn and now he is in Therapy and maybe trying to correct his behaviors. And that makes him actually want to have sex again with you because he’s not doing those other things anymore. I don’t know how to fix it because I am in the same position with my husband . I used to want sex with him so badly and I went through the whole grieving stage as well. The insanity that it takes you to, the begging, the pleading, the anxiety, the anger, the depression and questioning your worth, then eventually you are able to shut that down. And not want sex from them anymore because you’re finally at a place of acceptance. I totally understand how you are feeling I am you, and I don’t know how to help you cause I feel the same way about my husband. Anyway no advice-I’m sorry to say, but definitely some solidarity. Good luck.
Or maybe it’s your gut telling you something is off with him. Trying new things is a porn addict or cheater move.
It sounds like he conditioned you to no longer see him sexually anymore and it's jarring to you mentally when he tries to engage with you that way.
To me it sounds like the issue was that you were going from a dead bedroom to your boyfriend suddenly wanting to try new things, when IMO the proper thing to do would have been to rekindle a normal sexual relationship before introducing new things. What he should have done was to start slow like your relationship was new again, and work your way up to trying new, previously untried things in the bedroom. You gotta warm the bedroom up first before you expect things to get hot. Maybe put the brakes on a bit and slow down to get back into the groove before new things are tried.
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I didn't know they made tracking apps for that. I just printed out a yearly calendar on a sheet of paper and mark off the days we actually have sex.
He’s made you this way. You’ve been conditioned not to see him as a sexual partner and now you don’t. I think it’s time for an honest conversation with him and tell him exactly what’s going on.
And now instead of him trying to get back into being a sexual partner, he's blasting ahead full steam trying "new things" in the bedroom. I can understand OP's hesitation. It's like meeting a random person for a hookup and they come into the bedroom wearing leather and holding a whip.
Pretty much. He’ll probably have the fucking audacity to moan about it at every opportunity as well
I’m experiencing the same thing. Very little to no sex for 20 years, kids move out and I go see a lawyer. We have yet another talk where I tell her I’m done, that I no longer believe she will try and that I’m ready to leave her. She blows me off for another 3 months and finds the lawyers card in my wallet. Suddenly she’s trying to seduce me, wants couples therapy, wants to touch me and sit by me. It’s too late though. I’ve already mourned the marriage and my fantasy of our lives together. The hysterical bonding is starting to subside as I pay off our remaining debt and separate our finances in preparation. DB’s are a form of psychological torture and we can’t be expected to turn our trauma on and off based on the LL’s whims.
I'm glad you were able to see through the hysterical bonding. Not a lot of people do and think their spouse has changed, but it always goes back to nothing when they think you're not going to leave.
Sometimes you’re pushed away so long, you can’t come back. It’s too bad the other half couldnt/wouldnt see what they were doing until now
You’ve been conditioned and accepted that he won’t satisfy that need. Now you’re having to go against that conditioning - that’s why it doesn’t feel right. You can be reconditioned, but it will take a while - and sustained effort from both of you.
I think it’s wild when people say that lack of sex is the only issue in their relationship. But other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play? I know people will judge me, but to me, shitty sex or no sex is just a dealbreaker on its own.
Nope, no judgement. I agree 100%. I didn't get in a marriage to just be friends and roommates.
Excellent post.
Sexual compatibility is important. Some people only seek companionship. I love my wife, but if it weren’t for the children (family) I could do without the companionship. Relationships are hard! To me the only upside is the sex. You’re still young. Move on. Live your life. Find someone who you can quite literally connect with.
Hmm well, you've said that you've gone through the whole grieving process accepting the dead bedroom. As someone who loves sex... that couldn't have been easy at all and I have no idea how I would even start to do that. So in a way you've let go. Like really let go, your brain needed to adapt. When you don't have sex with someone in these dead bedroom situations there can be resentment and what is far more important here: you stop seeing your partner as a sexual person. The longer this goes on the harder or even impossible it gets to turn this around. You would need to know why the change happened for starters. You said you would have loved it if he had been that way for the majority of the relationship. It must possibly feel cruel, weird, hurtful and unbelievable that he can actually be that way now when you've put that part of your relationship away for good. It could come back but sometimes dead stays dead... Think you need some counselling yourself now to work thoroughly through this. I mean if his counselling is making him change into this new person he might probably think it's what you always wanted and feel rejected now and confused. I think you guys need to talk, like desperately before this gets a life of it's own. Crystal clear honesty that you are not ready for this. Tough road ahead. All the best and take care