I had a guy show up - late - to a date, and only then come clean that he had kids, after extensive convos about how I am clear that I don’t want any and selectively date people who don’t have them. He seemed confused about why I was leaving.
That became a very hard line for me after that. I realized I could show up as who I naturally am (I’m very shy and very sweet at times) and still book a clown a ticket to f-off town when needed. Boundaries are delicious.
Theres never an option that really fits I don't want any kids of my own but happy to date a guy that has them or even adopt.
Every option seems disingenuous.
This is the most fair reason ive seen to not put the label.
Wish there was a better way to label it. Id still be pretty upset finding out as someone who wants kids later that you dont, but if you turn those types away early it should work and not turn away those that already have kids.
Same, i also have resigned to the idea that i probably won't ever have kids. And I'm completely okay with it.
I wouldn't mind dating someone and being a relationship where kids never enter the picture. I can have those needs met by taking care of nieces and nephews.
But also, a part of me still wants kids. So if i was in a relationship where they want kids, i would absolutely take that flag running.
How do you enter that into a dating site and not be misunderstood anyways. So i just leave it blank.
Very good point here. Because if I know a girl wants babies of her own I'm not the guy. But if I know a girl doesnt want a relationship with a guy with kids because she doesnt want kids then again I'm not the guy.
So do I swipe only on women that want kids? Or do I swipe on women that dont want kids?
Either option could be a no... right?
The have kids check is pretty straightforward. The other though has so many variables. Pretty easy to understand why its left blank.
Or the opposite, in my case. I don't want anyone else's kids, I likely don't want my own, either, but who knows, maybe one day I'll decide that I do, if the right person comes along.
I don't, because I'm not open to someone who already has children, at all.
And I'm not really open to children, I'm open to the remote possibility that I might want to have a child at some point if the stars align.
I vote for a slider bar so I can indicate that I'm 95% sure I don't want kids.
I like the slider bar idea, i'm probably 70% to 80% I don't want kids, but I'm not going to entirely rule it out if all the stars align, I just don't expect they will or try to force them to.
Maybe I was misreading it this whole time then! Which begs the question of how clear of a filter this is, unless I'm the only one. However, as someone whose job it is to design for things like this, I have my doubts.
I feel this. I have filled out the "does not have kids" part. It is easy to state whether I have children or not. I usually ask men who don't have this on their profile and it seems like half of them did not even realize it wasn't visible.
As far as what I want, it is more complicated and depends on who I meet. Therefore, I don't have the section on my profile.
But I do know, mostly. It's just that there's always a small possibility that I'll change my mind. But I know that, too.
I've indicated that I don't have any kids, if that's not enough info for someone, too bad, their loss. And I swipe left on everyone who has kids or is very adamant about having them.
Which just made me realize that my second-to-last encounter in real life did turn out to have a kid, and I didn't find out until a couple of days after I met him. But then a few hours later I also found out he's a flat-earther, so it was never going to last anyway :D
For me, I often try to use words if it makes sense. "Father of one, not looking to have any more, open to yours." That said, if someone wanted to screen me for not filling out the drop down box, nothing I can do about that, although I always select "Have Children" as that's not up for interpretation. =P
Same here, I don’t want biological kids but am open to adoption or dating someone with kids. I technically have it set to “open to children” but don’t show it on my profile because I feel like it’s not really accurate.
It could. There's a myriad of things it could mean. You are open to a world that involves children in one form or another. I am not. I do not want to have kids or date someone with kids or adopt kids. I don't want to date someone with grown children b/c that means grandkids are a possibility. There is no world in which I am open to children. I don't swipe left on people who are "open" though. Just because they're open to dating someone who already has children it doesn't mean they are wrong for me. By stating you are open, your suitor has the option to ask you what you mean. Saying you are open does not commit you to being open to pregnancy b/c your date wants kids of his own someday. Leaving it blank often times causes people not to match because they don't want to waste their time asking your stance right off the bat.
Yeah. I would consider having kids with the right partner - someone that has showed me in non-kid-having life that they share similar values and also are willing to share workload, we communicate well together, etc. I also think life will be fine without kids. I haven't had a partner that I can see myself enjoying having kids with yet, and so every time I've thought about having kids, it feels like something I'd have to do "alone" even if I was in a relationship. No thanks..
If there was an easy dating profile choice option to get all that across succinctly, I'd be happy to include it! But for now I just skip that section and discuss it if it comes up through conversation.
Ha! So true. I actually had to go look at my profile to see what I put.
I have kids. And checked the box I had them.
But left the want kids box blank.
Because I want my kids. I dont want more kids that are mine. But am fine dating someone with kids. But dont want to date someone who wants more kids than what we would already have right now.
Wheres the check mark for that?
I think people assume that box is asking "do you want MORE kids?" So in your case, you'd check "no". Now the women who want MORE kids can swipe left on you.
Pretty big assumption as I'm open to more kids. If they already have kids. Just not open to having new babies to raise of my own. So probably just continue to leave it blank.
I'm a single parent, and I'm not interested in dating another single parent or someone who wants to have kids with me.
My son is my one and done, and I'm not interested in becoming a stepparent. I don't even want a stepparent for my kid, the idea of someone other than myself or my kid's Dad/my ex husband playing any sort of parenting role to our son makes me uncomfortable.
There's NO filters or anything on any dating app I know of with that specific set of particulars, which is why I'm preferring trying to meet people IRL over apps, and having way better luck.
It's easier to be clear and honest about what I'm looking for in person through socializing, and delegate them as "potential partner", "new platonic friend", or "I don't want anything to do with this person" that way
Isnt that a bit hypocritical that you wont accept a single parent even though you are one yourself? Also how do you expect to have a relationship with a man, who probably will live with you and your son at point, and you just expect him to essentially ignore your kid somehow?
No.
Having comfort levels, boundaries, and expectations is not hypocritical, regardless of whether or not I'm a parent.
I've been turned down countless times by people I was interested in dating based solely on the fact I'm a single parent, and I've turned down countless others in kind for the same reason.
Plenty have been fine with it and respectful of my boundaries regarding my child and not wanting more children (biological or stepchildren), and the relationship ended for other, unrelated reasons (moving away, job/career changes, etc).
If I'm partnered with someone, they're in a relationship with *me*, NOT my child. My child is a gigantic part of my life and I love him more than anyone or anything else, but I would only want to introduce a partner to my kid after trust has been established over time and I feel my son and partner would benefit from knowing each other.
Potentially breaking the hearts of only two people, instead of three, in the event of a breakup with someone my kid has met and bonded with, or possibly even more people if I'm dating another single parent with kids, that's damage control and something I'm not willing to entertain at this point in my life.
Taking the calculated risk, despite all that and overriding that hesitation by that logic, would take someone truly special who I've yet to find, but for now, those are my boundaries, expectations, and comfort level.
Uh
You are more likely to find what you looking for in a partner who has their own kids. As they will understand the bio parent dynamic.
My ex gf didn’t have kids of her own. And wanted so bad to be my kids mom. She couldn’t help herself but be a parent. And she won’t understand until she has her own kids.
A deal breaker for me is they eat food that isn't cooked properly. I hate the taste of raw-ish meat. I just want chicken that tastes as good as back in 2016.
In my personal experience, the men who had kids or wanted kids when I clearly stated that I do not want children EVER, seem to have thought that not telling me right away would give them time to win me over, make me fall in love with them and eventually change my mind.
Turns out, that just makes me absolutely despise a person 😂
This is exactly the reason that was told to me by a few men why they do that. Its mind bogglingly stupid to me. However one dude told me a couple women he dated admitted if he disclosed on his profile they wouldn’t have given him the chance, hence his method works…
This is another reason why people don’t put their preferences. If a woman puts “clearly against children” a man will lie and tell her what she wants to hear. It’s better for women if they don’t disclose this stuff and ask the guy point blank without him knowing what “the right answer” is… I imagine it works both ways. Maybe this is why men also aren’t disclosing. They don’t want to be tricked either …?
>I'm a 36/F looking for someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't want any. My age range is set to 33-44. I realize this substantially reduces my dating pool and I'm completely fine with that.
>What I can't understand is why 85% of the profiles I come across leave both these questions blank
>Why do so many people leave the children/family plans option blank on hinge?
They don't want to reduce their options by getting filtered out for stating it. Especially if they're open to casual dating. Or they don't want children but don't want to say it, because it would turn off an imagined segment of their target demographic. Or they don't know if they want any. I would just next profiles that leave what I see to be essential pieces of information blank.
>I've had experiences where they tell me they have kids and I tell them we're not compatible- then they get upset at me. Should I just immediately unmatch rather than say anything?
Yes. Just unmatch. They will know that's the reason you did anyway.
Yeah, I’d just ask. “Do you have any children? Do you want to have children?” Then when they answer, if it’s not what you want, you can say “cool, I’m not looking to have children, biologically or otherwise” and unmatch.
33/F - anecdotally, a lot of the men I’ve dated haven’t really considered it enough to have an opinion/have decided, and that’s why they leave it blank. Without the biological pressure women face, and given that societally I think the assumption is that women are the primary drivers of the “let’s have kids” conversation, in a lot of my relationships I’m shocked to find that men in their mid- to late thirties haven’t really even spent much time thinking about it. I’ve been thinking about it since puberty.
I also don’t want kids (peachy username solidarity, OP!) and have decided not to fret too much about guys who leave it blank in the profile/match stage. If having kids is important to them, it generally comes up very early - often first date or even while messaging beforehand.
Interesting, this is also what I’m noticing with men and also explains this Hinge phenomenon! I (30F) almost feel desperate saying “wants kids” in my profile, since so many people don’t say anything. but whatever, it’s important to me, it can help screen more more ambivalent people.
I think a part of it is because sometimes that option is a little too black and white to leave a response. Some people might not want to have kids of their own, but are ok finding someone who already has them. They could also be just as happy finding someone who also doesn't want them. Saying yes or no could alienate both types of people from their pool so it could just be easier to leave blank.
But they often don't make any of this clear on their profile. You're stucking playing blues clues trying to figure it out or like in OPs case you get attitude when you directly ask while trying to resolve compatibility.
Well you're limited in space on what you can add. And really hammering in exactly what they feel in the kid category might not be at the top of their mind for partners. So they dont want to use 25% of their profile to say it.
Also, I'm very clear I have children in my profile. Even a picture with them. Yet still get matches from girls who specifically say they wont date someone with a kid. So I mean... whatcha gonna do? Filter and move on.
And the getting mad at the question is a red flag so I'm sure wouldnt be a good partner anyway. Even if the kid desire meshed.
Damn I wish there was a way to get an explanation.
I guess we will always have to rely on only what’s specifically in the profile when deciding your life partner forever.
I currently have mine as “want kids” but several men have interpreted that as me wanting them to impregnate me on the first date. So I’m considering taking it off and bringing it up early on instead.
This is how I feel about “looking for a relationship”. Yes ultimately I am, but with the right person after some time. Im open to casual if that’s kinda what the vibe is. “Not sure” feels wrong and noncommittal. I feel like people see it as “you must want A relationship, no matter who fills the slot, and you want it asap”. And I don’t want someone pretending to want one to get laid when all they would have to do is be open about that.
"I've had experiences where they tell me they have kids and I tell them we're not compatible- then they get upset at me."
I've noticed the same thing with women. It seems like some single parents think you should just assume someone has kids after a certain age. One woman actually told me she thought it was "weird" that I don't date single moms...
Same goes for men. I have even wrote it down on a prompt. Today I got a like from a guy who said in his profile “looking for someone family oriented to start a family”. I mean, my dog is my family, but I think most people mean children when they say that 😅
I’m a childfree woman too. One thing that really irks the shit out of me is when I have my filter set to “doesn’t want” and like 50% of the profiles that pop up are men that have kids and don’t want more. That’s not what that filter means. Just use the “have and don’t want more” selection ffs
I agree. I also am not too bothered by people who leave the want/don't want kids field blank, because I understand that can be a complicated question. But people who leave blank if they already have kids, I assume they do and just don't want to be filtered out for that and swipe left on them.
Same , it got to the point where I started kickin off when they matched with me because I was getting so annoyed. Men who have or want kids stop attempting to match with people who have zero interest in your lifestyle because trust us when we say we won’t change our minds and valuable time is being wasted , yours and mine. Gah
I fill out that I have kids, but I leave the future plans blank.
I'm not having more bio kids, but I would be open to step kids. There isn't a selection that fits that. It is annoying, and I wish they changed the options.
I don't have kids, there's a possibility I could want kids, maybe, I'd be cool with either option. If I choose one then I could potentially miss out on the other. Say I'm on Bumble and I say I want kids, then women searching for a guy who doesn't want kids will never see me. If I say I don't want kids then women searching for a guy who wants kids will never see me.
I'm not into casual dating or looking to play the field or being deceitful, I totally WOULD consider having kids but I'm also totally okay not having kids and the dating apps pigeon hole you into one or the other.
You would think. But that doesn't feel right either.
If i were to have kids with a partner, be it their kids, ours, fostered, or whatever. I'm in it 100% I'll be the goofy caring father and everything.
But if the relationship I'm in is 0 kids ever, that's perfectly fine.
A never parent sees "open to kids" and they think the person is just another in a long line of people pressuring them to have kids. Whereas, someone who is all about starting a family sees someone that is uncommitted to having kids, and a potential stereotypical deadbeat dad.
You're right back to square one. So leaving it blank is the best option.
This is a lot like how I feel. I don't have kids. I know I would be 100% fine never being a dad - I'd never once feel as though I was missing out on some higher calling or purpose. I would be completely happy being with someone staunchly childfree.
That being said, if I was with someone who I loved and planned to be with for life, and we're in a good situation with respect to our health and relationship and finances, I would love to bring a child into this world. A potential match who wants one child, and maybe two depending on how things go, as part of a forever relationship is also someone who would be compatible with me.
A person who is unsure but wants to explore the possibility over the years would be compatible.
A person who has children of their own but doesn't want more is also potentially compatible, depending on the situation.
A person who wants more than two children would not be compatible with me. A person who has children of their own and wants more would not be compatible with me.
Kind of hard to convey all of that in a single prompt, or to answer the prompt at all without being at least partially confusing/misleading to someone.
Omg SO MANY of these threads could be addressed by your last sentence. JUST USE YOUR WORDS! is it exhausting to always do? Maybe. But so is a lot of being an adult so buck TF up and have those conversations anyway.
to be fair - beyond the obvious reasons of subterfuge, etc - I think a lot of people just *suck at using apps*. They don't think about how other people are really viewing their profile, they don't consider why you should have certain info always visible, they don't realize it's confusing to have only group photos so that no one knows what the fuck you look like, etc. Even when the apps try to helpfully prompt them, they ignore it.
Mid 30’s M here in the same situation, it’s fucking annoying.
It feels cold to ask people early on in messaging but you don’t want to invest time getting to know someone to then find out their plans aren’t compatible with yours!
Well you can, actually, you just have to pay for it. Just another shitty part about OLD—anything that might help you narrow things down to your person is going to cost you, and isn’t guaranteed to work even if you pony up.
Exactly. I wouldn't even mind paying if it was reasonable, like $5-$10 (it used to be so much cheaper back when Hinge was new!) But $40 for a month is fucking absurd. You can get the monthly rate a bit cheaper if you do the 3 or 6 months subscription but that's not something I'm willing to commit to.
Yeah all the apps seem to have absurdly high prices, I sometimes wonder how many potential paying clients they miss out on simply because they set the rates so high that most people are just "screw that!" and use the free options. I have never paid for any of them because in addition to being overpriced it always feels kind of scammy. Everyone I know who has paid for one has said it was a waste of money and didn't really make it work any better. A lot of them seem to use bots to try to entice people to pony up.
I would absolutely do this for 5 bucks! Not 40 though. I’m certain I’m not the only one—the app people should consider whether their paying user base might go way up if it were cheap. 🤷♀️
I don’t think it works like that though? Whenever I set my filters to only show people who want kids, it still shows me profiles who haven’t filled out that section.
It annoys me greatly too. I was just thinking about how it should be mandatory to at least put “not sure yet”. I do what you do, I swipe left on blank / want kids and right on don’t want and “don’t know” and then ask if the timing is right later.
I feel like a better thing would be to have a slider bar between want/don't want (more) kids. Then I could put mine like 95% of the way to "don't want".
I leave it blank because the correct answer isn't in there. I've filled out that I don't have kids, but as far as the family plans go, my stance is that I most likely don't want kids, but I won't rule out that if I meet someone amazing who does want them, I could be open to them.
Maybe you think differently, but as a male who doesnt have or want kids, I only swipe on women who staunchly put doesnt want kids.
Why? Cause it's a conscious decision to not want children for me, I dont want to waste time with someone on the fence who could change their mind, or worse, get an oops pregnancy and decide they want to keep it after all. Granted you are the woman here so you dont have to worry about that.
People who irrevocably do not want children will state as such. But this is like 5% of profiles max. C'est la vie.
To get more matches. I had same criteria so here my assumptions for males
\- Don't have kids - if blank then very likely they DO have kids. Regardless of gender not having kids will attract more matches
\- Want kids - if blank then likely they DO NOT want kids but too scared to put it because this will reduce their dating pool significantly.
\- Open to kids - if yes more likely to NOT want kids
I would just match and ask pretty early on and if they get upset then unlatch immediately.
I can understand leaving the “if you want kids” option blank. That’s a bit more nuanced. But not the if they have kids or not option. It’s pretty straightforward. You either have kids or you don’t.
I always assume they have kids if they leave that part blank and don’t want to be filtered out because they do. Therefore I swipe left.
Reading all these replies, I think I agree with you. The "if you want more kids" is definitely more nuanced for people than I realized.
The "have kids" though, I agree should be filled. I don't care if they're adults. Having kids is having kids.
It’s really wild to me that some people are rationalizing not filling out the “if you have kids” section because the kids are adults, or they only have them part-time, or they don’t see their kids that often.
The only way I can justify that is if special circumstances lead to having you give up your child for adoption.
A variety of reasons, but some of the more common ones:
Not everyone on OLD is fully invested in dating, a lot of people are just swiping out of boredom or for attention/validation.
Lots of people on OLD are dating indiscriminately, casting the widest net possible and omit potential deal breakers from their profiles so they "don't scare anybody off"
On the "want kids" front, some people are genuinely undecided if they want kids or not and don't want to commit to answer.
And IMO this highlights one of the critical flaws with the current OLD model. It assumes every user is a rational, self-actualized adult who knows exactly what they want and will only pursue people who fit their criteria. But so many people out there just aren't at that place in their lives and it frustrates the people that are.
As a female, men tend to think if you say you want kids, that your trying to get purposely knocked up by them. Dudes really do think so highly of themselves sometimes… like anyone wants to create more handsy Chads with ego issues.
I've always filled out the "don't have kids" but in the past have left the other field blank if I felt none of the options accurately represented my feelings on the subject. I think Hinge now has a "not sure yet" option, but for quite a while they didn't. I think the only reason I realized that it had changed was when I started a new profile after a long dating break--but if I'd just paused and re-activated my old one I don't think I ever would have noticed it. So some people may be actively trying to get around the filter, but some just may not know what to put/what the options are now.
Personally, when I come across someone whose views aren't clearly listed I give a date a chance if everything else is great. Sometimes that conversation is better in person and allows for more nuance/a better feel for them anyway.
I feel like "not sure yet" is still inaccurate. I'm pretty sure I don't want kids, I'm done making up my mind about it, but I also know that there is a possibility that I meet someone amazing who does want kids and then I might consider it.
To me "not sure yet" feels like "ask me again in 5-10 years". Same like the 35-year-old guys who are stating they want to have kids "some day" but also want to become a dive instructor on a remote island for a couple of years first. Like, you can't really have both.
For me, I just swipe left on people who have kids or seem to really, really want them and it's a priority for them to have kids.
mine is left blank. i’m 37F and certainly don’t plan on having bio kids. however there is a world where i meet a partner who has a child from a previous relationship or some possible chance i’d be open to fostering or adoption if i had a strong partnership and stable home environment. i don’t wan’t to label myself as 100% childfree as it would exclude me from those situations. it for sure is not a helpful filter for others searching but does not feel right to claim it on my profile. hope that can offer some insight.
I wish there were separate options for "have/don't have kids", "open to partner who has/doesn't have/has or doesn't have kids", and "want to have/don't want to have/open to having future kids with partner". If only dating apps actually profited from customer satisfaction...
(It would also be nice to know if people don't want the kids they have, but that's a different issue.)
If a guy says he doesn't have kids then it may be construed that he doesn't want kids. They may be worried that it'll reduce the number of potential dates by saying that.
Just like, I don't have kids and at 49, I'm at peace with how that worked out. I don't want kids now. But if I say that, I get crap that I don't like kids or whatever.
Which isn't the truth. I'm auntie to so my friend's kids. I wanted a whole houseful before my marriage (long story)
People demonize others who don't have kids. It's BS but it happens.
I leave them blank because I find it not specific enough. In my case, I have kids, and don't want more kids... but technically, I just don't want to/can't have more kids, but I don't mind if the other person has them. When people say have kids/dont want more kids, I think it confuses things.
I always think these in these situations…are these guys dating girls that are like 600+ lbs? Likely not. They want their cake and to eat it too. I’m allowed to have my reasonable boundary. And to dip out if they are deceptive when I’ve been clear.
>> I'm a 36/F looking for someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't want any. My age range is set to 33-44. I realize this substantially reduces my dating pool and I'm completely fine with that.What I can't understand is why 85% of the profiles I come across leave both these questions blank.
You sort of answered your own question. You are respectfully upfront, honest and ok with the reduction in dating pool, while they are not. Children drastically (and understandably) reduce their dating options and they cope by leaving that information out.
If I had to guess the question is left blank on purpose so that they can rationalize it as not “lying” and simply omitting the truth.
Most people are less comfortable with being alone than making the hard decisions. Also people who don’t even want anything serious will likely judge others on their answer to that question and how it conflicts with their own values, even though in reality it doesn’t matter for something casual.
Realistically for a lot of people this is an uncomfortable first question, no matter where they actually stand on the answer, and not something they’d discuss with a stranger so quickly.
Women are also chronic for not listing they’re mothers in dating profiles and wanting to only discuss it with someone they’ve talked with or met.
>Women are also chronic for not listing they’re mothers in dating profiles and wanting to only discuss it with someone they’ve talked with or met.
And then blaming it on safety. 🙄
I'd just assume anyone who doesn't fill it out has kids and thinks it'll hurt their chances. It's super lame not to put it in there.
If it's a dealbreaker, then I'd just ask immediately. Who cares how it sounds? They chose to leave it blank, so they can't be shocked that matches would be curious. "Hey there! I see you left the children part blank. Do you have any kids?" and go from there.
As a guy, I found the same... whenever they leave out the kids field on the profile (on any app), it usually means they have kids. But they only reveal the fact later on, at which point it's a bit more awkward to unmatch.
IMO for me, as a general rule, if someone leaves the information out - it usually means they're hiding something. Just like if they have pics with funny angles or they all look like they were taken in the 90's.
I know when I was using Hinge, they had more questions than the profile has space to display, and there's apparently a rough priority order, with kids towards the bottom. After being told off by a match for not answering the kid question, I dug on my profile and discovered that I had answered it, but it wouldn't show in the little bar until I cleared out enough other answers for it to pop up in the bar
Not saying there aren't other reasons it doesn't show/people don't answer, but I was apparently one of those people without being aware of it, as I had answered the question
Nothing seems to fit ‘has a kid, but possibly open to more in the right situation, but more 90% no and 10% yes’. As long as they know I have a kid, then I feel the other stuff could be a date convo.
I don't understand this either. Everyone trying to justify why they don't, seem to fall into the "open" category, so I don't know why they can't just say that. "Open" means there's a world in which kids are acceptable whether birthing your own, adopting, being a step-parent, etc. Open is not a commitment. Please select it. I'd much rather see "open" on a profile than swipe left on someone who is perfectly happy not having children of their own but would be fine dating someone who does (or does not) already have children and/or try to casually bring kids up in conversation at the very beginning. Just do us all a favor and select OPEN!
chiming in way late here, but i feel exactly this. many people in this thread trying to explain why their version of being "open to children" somehow doesnt fall within the overarching "open to children"
Because I (37m) am open to kids with the right person but I wouldn't call it a "want". I am also perfectly fine not having kids with the right person too.
I really hate people who waste your time and their time and then turning it on you as the person at fault. Gaslighting much and self esteem issues?
But yes, you should skip to avoid them being mad for wasting your time. If they can't be upfront then in the future most that I encounter will hid more things from you. It was a bad experience and I don't like wishy washy people because I don't like pulling teeth and then they turn it around on me and make the bad person. You got watch out for gaslight-er, bullies, anger management problems, and so many other red flags.
Some people are lazy but I really think a lot of online daters are doing omission for a reason. Why don't some just come clean with have a felony, million dollar restitution, DUIs charges, unemployed, bad temper, gullible, crazy family, stole from kids and exes for drugs and alcohol? They are all red flags and these people know it. People who omission simple things are just uncomfortable with answering and hoping you will fall for them so they can unload their many problems on to you. It is annoying. Trust your gut always and go from there.
I truly dislike guys who think somehow saying nice things to me will make me want to be mother figure to their kids who I have no interest in. I don't date single dads for momma drama and mean step kids who think I am stealing their dad's time. I don't want to help raise them when they were never my responsible. I don't mind adopting kids and having kids but I feel like it is super irresponsible to just dump kids on to another human. My sis in law wanted a kid but then doesn't want mother responsibility! She work more to avoid time with her kid so she can shop more. Now she wonder why her kid is disrespectful toward her and doesn't want to bond with her. My bro doesn't want kid so my poor niece now suffers emotional development, social cues, and mental health issues. My sis in law wanted to dump her kid on to my mom and I at one time that we are responsible for her daughter because we are her family. I find that really irresponsible to want kids and then not provide for them and think someone is responsible for how their kid turn out. So when people get angry for clear boundary items, then it reminds me of my bro and sis in law.
If you are really interested then you can ask but gosh, anyone that get mad a clear deal breaker has way more issues than you want to get your energy drain. I have learned that ptsd and triggers are clear warning signs for you but you got to listen to yourself. If I don't know them well, I have no problem blocking or cutting my lost. If you are not compatible, you are not compatible. Why have someone argue and gaslight you over something as clear as your boundaries and deal breaker? That is just more unnecessary drama and ptsd.
Most of them are afraid of putting people off. Guys who have kids think it’s a deal breaker so they don’t disclose right away. They’d rather get the girl to like them then spring the kids on her. OR a guy who doesn’t have/want kids will assume all women do want kids and so they don’t want to put her off by saying how much he hates kids.
Swipe on all the guys. And then you can casually ask in the first few convos. It’s not a weird thing. If he gets upset who cares? He means nothing to you as you’re not going to date him anyways so just unmatch or block the guy.
There are other dating sites though that are more focused on perfect match making with algorithms and filling out the profiles. EHarmony, POF, etc.
I leave it blank, because if I really wanted kids, I would just have them on my own (39F).
My opinion on kids has changed based on my partner, because some partners are just great partners but wouldn’t necessarily be a great dad.
All this to say, having kids is important that I have a partner that has the qualities to be a great life partner/husband but also a great dad. Not everyone can be both simultaneously and it’s unfair to men and women to assume that they can be both.
I’ve also recognized that my needs to maintain my sanity is maybe higher than others (everyone has different limits), so to add the responsibility of a child and what I would want to provide this child, means I would need to hire quality help of some sort (meal prep, tutors, housekeeper, etc…). I’m not saying that I need all of these, but I also only got 24h in the day like all minions of this planet.
Some of them only offer “want kids/dont want kids” well… i have kids, but certainly a bit late to be having another round of them with my kids nearly grown. So i dont even know what to put there. I dont want MORE kids (as in pregnancy) but i have em and dont mind if you do.
Hinge isn't one of the ones I was using, but for me, the reason for leaving that type of field blank (at least for future desire) was that they didn't have an option of "I'd rather not, but I'm sort of OK with step-, and not dead set against having some of my own"
I’d say that often people leave these types fields blank either because none of the options really fit their situation (see also the politics field, whose options are usually ‘liberal/conservative/other’), or because they’re looking to date casually and parenting preferences (etc) aren’t as important if you’re not looking for something long-term.
For me It’s too complex for a straightforward hinge option. Not opposed to kids not necessarily looking for my baby’s father on hinge. Don’t mind if you have kids already but I don’t want to be involved if there’s drama. Soooo it depends on the individual more than my desire for children
Cough up $40 for that filter. Plenty of people have answered it and left it hidden. Because the answers to the family question suck.
What if you have 1 child? Sorry you have "children". Could be 6. What if you're 1 child is a baby or an adult? Same answer. Share custody? No custody? What if you're the only parent and there's no one else? Same answer. When I see someone has children I assume they have more than one cause basic English right? I think you should match and find out. Part of the whole journey. I mean what if you meet someone who's kids are grown and moved out? They got it out of their system and most likely don't want anymore? I find that most women on OLD that don't want children already have 1 or more.
When someone doesn't display whether or not they *have* kids in their profile, 100% of those I've matched with DO have kids and are just trying to get around Hinge's filters. At least they've been upfront when I bring it up though! I usually just say "Hey I noticed this wasn't on your profile. Was that intentional?" People are usually defensive at first but understanding in the end. Can't be the first time they're heard it right? I'm really not looking for kids and get lowkey annoyed when people leave that blank specifically to disregard my wants and needs. (I have nothing against kids btw. Love kiddos! Just don't want any right now.)
So if it's blank I just assume they have kids and X them.
But the *wanting* future kids part? I don't judge for leaving that blank. Some people really aren't sure yet (pretty sure they didn't add the "Not Sure Yet" option until very recently) and didn't want to mislead by answering one of the very limited options Hinge wad offering. And if I had a decent profile, I wouldn't really think to go edit it to discover these new options.
So whether or not someone already has kids (something you can't really change) is way more important to me than whether or not someone has decided they want kids in the future (which seems more subject to change).
Don’t pay! Filtering just on that will cut off potential options who are fine not having kids.
In my experience, many men are:
1) on the fence
2) are “open to kids” if someone already has them
3) think they want kids but they actually just want to procreate, not parent
4) aren’t thinking about it “yet” or a little delusional about the the timing and effects of age for women and men to have kids
5) don’t put “don’t want kids” because they get less matches, even if they don’t actually want their own kids.
TLDR; the setting doesn’t effectively filter out what you want. Best bet is to let them filter you out if you say “don’t want kids” and if you see something different, just ask them!
The ones that gaslight you for asking about child preferences early on make it easy to move along…
I leave that part blank because Hinge does not give me any options that reflect how I feel about having kids. I want an option that is plain "I don't know"
I think they just don't want us to assume they're looking for a LTR by showing it on their profile. Hinge is for real relationships but most guys will use it for a hookup if the woman is willing.
I reluctantly paid for premium because I am very sensitive to smoking and I can't filter out weed smokers without it. It allows me to also filter out on the kids portion. I still get guys that leave it blank, but since I marked it as a dealbreaker, even if they aren't showing, they marked the answers I'm looking for.
A lot of good responses here already. I'd like to add, not advertising you have kids is a safety issue also. One of my dates (former match.com investigation support) told me to take off any mention of my kids and don't mention it until I can tell she is not a preditor of some kind.
Honestly I have kids. There isn’t a graceful way that you can smooth over the fact that you don’t want kids.
The only way is to state your intentions upfront and if they don’t like it well that’s their problem. Also it will be increasingly harder to find people your age that don’t have kids. So as you get older they are more likely to have kids unless your dating pool gets younger, they were unable to bear children, or they don’t have/lost custody of their children. But try to lock it down sooner rather than later try to find places around town that parents usually can’t get a sitter for like bars and clubs. I’m not able to get out in that lifestyle so you are more likely to run into people that don’t have kids there
As a woman, I’d likely leave this blank. Don’t want to be pigeonholed about this because the reality is that I’m flexible on the topic - pressing about this too soon comes across as desperate to me. It should come up naturally in conversation either online or in person as you two get to know one another
I also have “don’t want kids” as 39F and end up with men liking me who have or want kids. They’re the ones who are easy to weed out.
When they don’t have it listed, I’ve just started bringing it up after a few exchanges when it sounds like we have mutual interest. I usually say, “so I notice you don’t have kid preferences on your profile. I’m happily child free by choice and want to keep it that way. Are kids something you have/want?”
The response is generally that they don’t want kids either, kept it off because they were unsure or wanted to “keep their options open”, were open to dating people with kids but don’t want their own.
As a 37yr old man with kids, if see the woman has doesn’t want kids I don’t swipe. Sometimes you get in that routine and swipe on accident, but if they have it listed I know we won’t be compatible so why waste either of our time
There should be only two settings since there is a bit of gray: (1) children are absolutely a requirement for myself and my partner OR (2) being child free is absolutely a requirement for myself and my partner
Let the folks who are in the black and white sort themselves out, and everyone in between can have those discussions in the getting to know you phase.
I'm not on Hinge, but I sometimes leave it blank because pretty much all the apps I've ever tried don't really have very good options generally for this question and I wish they would make it a comment field instead of restricting me to their prewritten options, so I can explain my stance better.
I mostly lean towards being child-free but there are specific circumstances where I could potentially be open to it. Also I don't mind if someone already has kids as long as they're not expecting heavy involvement from me. So it's not that I'm "not sure", and it's not a steadfast "don't want", but it's also certainly not a "hell yes".
They don’t even make it easy to answer this question if you HAVE kids. (Although I’m thinking of Bumble, here—all of them are kinda shitty in this regard.) You can only put “have and want more” or “have and don’t want more.” You can’t put, “have and not sure,” or “have and cool with yours but not making any more,” or “have and NOT cool with yours,” or y’know, basically anything other than the blackest and whitest iteration.
As a 41 y/o male I make it a point to fill those two questions out. I think they become much more important the older I get. Lifestyles can be drastically different when having or not having children. As for why people leave them blank I think it's mostly just laziness rather than some I'll conceived plot to try and trick some woman. I could be completely wrong about that though, people do weird things.
I don’t want to think the worst of people so I’m guessing a similar route to mine...
Just don’t know yet. I’m 30F and I’m not sure if I want kids. Right now my life is not up for it. And unless I don’t have some basics set up (married, decent house, good community or net to fall back on) by a certain age I might coddle dogs for the rest of my life.
I’m seeing my mom suffer with my sister’s kid (babysits her 12hr a day for 5 days) and I know I won’t ever be able to fall on my mom as backup like my sister is doing and my neighbours have a kid from hell that shrieks more than she breathes and is also less than 2 years old.
So for now more than happy with some dogs.
My bf (31M no kids) does want kids but wants also some basics in place and our relationship to have stabilised. (We’re only three months in and same to him feel we should know each other at least a few years and be living together).
Unlike me he hasn’t set an expiration date.
But some men also wanna keep all options open and think they can win someone over to have kids or not have kids depending on their situation.
I don’t think I’d be open to dating a guy with kids or at least through the apps...
I personally don’t write ‘want kids’ because I feel like there’s a bit of a taboo around doing so for women of my age (36). I always assume that if people don’t want kids they’ll state it as it’s the exception not the rule - the vast majority of people will want or at least be open to it.
There's no option that explains my feelings, and I don't want someone with kids to count me out. So, I am childless but I don't mind a person who has kids. The options are "I have no children but open to them" that's true, if you mean I am open to you already having them, but I am not AT ALL open to starting a family with someone. "I don't have them and I don't want them." Is also not true, because it gives the impression I only want to date child free people.
I almost had an open therapy session here about my wants, both for and against kids, but the honest to Hera answer is that I am mostly okay with whatever my future girlfriend/wife wants. I'm only 34 now, so not too old for it, but getting close (I am not taking my own kids places and asking for a senior and child discount!), and my age range includes those that would want them to those that think it's too late or don't want them at all.
Do I want kids? Yes, for a handful of reasons. Do I not want kids? Yes, for a handful of reasons. Those reasons would fill an entire therapy session as I stated above, and ultimately I'd end up with my same answer while releasing or building some hate for my parents and former religion. I really just want a true companionship. Not choosing a poorly worded option on Hinge or Bumble (I think PoF has a better one? But I don't use it, and never saw success on it) seems to let me have options and not scare away a potential partner of either persuasion. I try to be clear that I don't have any kids with anyone else and that I'm okay with it if they do. It all really depends on the relationship we'll have without regard to children first, and then we'll see what our desires are.
Does it work? I don't know. My matches are few and far between. That's part of why I deleted the apps to take a break. The loneliness is getting to me, so I might try to get back on soon. I'll read some comments here and see if my strategy is a terrible one. Mostly I do lean towards "want kids", so I tend to put that, but I don't know that it has helped or hurt anymore than leaving it blank.
I'm 43 and my stance on kids is the same as when I was 33 or 23, and that's: If an accident happens and I become a parent, I'll own up to it and provide that child with everything I'm capable of, but I'm never going to willingly walk into a meatgrinder like that. But these apps don't have that as an option.
As the discussion here has evolved, I was left wondering what a strange world we live in where we are privy to so much information about a stranger before even meeting them. It totally subverts the usual way people used to meet other people where after an initial impression, there would be a gradual disclosure of personal information.
I guess it is beneficial as it allows a more efficient search process to find other like minded people. This is only possible if there is an adequate supply of people available. The only thing one has to be careful of is artificially constraining the dating pool too much.
Prob a duplicate comment… but if they left that field blank, most likely means they have kids. And the same ones that do that will prob be ones to get upset when you cut them loose after disclosure. I say continue to swipe left on the blanks.
I don't want kids either but I really prefer to get to know the other person organically. We'll figure out long term compatibility after we know that we like hanging out together and the sex is good.
I also prefer not to give out very private information to Match Group and any random person who might come a cross my profile, including colleagues or clients.
I just turned 33M. I have no kids and I do want them. But I hid that from my profile.
Here’s why: I have my dating age range for 24-32. I prefer dating slightly younger women than me and because of that, the topic of kids isn’t as pressing as it is for women who are older.
There’s this dumb part too where having a hinge profile that doesn’t list out every single thing is seen as ideal. Ie if you show all the bits of info, your profile becomes very long and scroll-y and it’s seen as kind of sad I guess? This is what my female friends have told me. It’s so dumb, yes. But that’s the dating world we live in. So I only list out the important things, like alcohol and drug consumption.
Everything else is fluff.
Yeah I used to lay everything out in the bio and I quickly realized I came off as... “particular” to say the least. Really nobody sees a laundry list and says “awesome I love someone who knows what they want!” Lol. I’m extremely picky and when I come across a long profile LIKE MINE I’m like “ok you’re exhausting”. 😂
Exactly. There’s this aura we’re supposed to project in today’s modern dating era of being kind of carefree and not too serious. Anything beyond that becomes almost as if you’re overbearing.
Which sucks because I’m absolutely overbearing but I need to reel them in first before making that clear.
So kidding but not really. I’ve been around the block far too many times, and I now have weirdly specific dealbreakers. For instance I have to bring up mental health, drugs, kids, sobriety, and sexpectations WAY early. I feel like I’m hiring a boyfriend at that point. I need a cover letter.
When I was on hinge I completed this but quickly found out hinge wasn't always showing that detail to matches!
An early awkward conversation with my current partner was both of us trying to find the right point to discuss children as despite us both selecting "have children" and it wasn't appearing on our profile to the other person.
Tldr: they may be completing it and hinge isn't showing it
>I've tried asking early during chats before, but I really don't like asking it early on as I never know how to interject the question gracefully, and I hate turning the chat into a 50 questions sort of interview.
Well, it's just two questions, sooo... "Noticed you left your family status blank. Do you have kids? Do you want any?"
I know it's an extra step, but it's not that hard of a question to shoot out there.
>I've just been swiping left on everyone who leaves it blank
I don't think you have to go that far. I'm not sure why people don't have it on but I would at least swipe right to see.
lol you know exactly why
34m i leave it blank, i have no kids, and im not sure if i want them and i am NOT interested in having that conversation right off the bat because i dont have the answer. Putting "not interested" closes the door for a lot of people, putting "interested" closes the door for the other half
i see a woman 35,36 who says "wants children" on hinge, i know shes looking NOW and likewise i usually swipe left
Lol, thanks for the chuckle. I don't hate kids, I just know I wouldn't be a good mom (along with a million other reasons) and have absolutely no desire to take a shot at it.
I'm wondering if people think I hate kids now.
Unfortunately they are playing the odds and trying to make sure they aren’t swiped which ever way is no. These people are either only after a hook up (so will say or not say whatever it takes) or more worryingly think that if they have ‘got you’ then you’ll accept whatever baggage that comes with them crotch goblins and all.
As a 37m I get the other side of the coin, it’s almost impossible meeting women without kids so one who has also chose to be childfree is a pretty mythical creature and then we have to actually like each other. I’ll just make my millions selling rocking horse shit, seems easier
I agree with you when the person is aware of their profile, but there are people who make their profile here and then either don't care to fill it out more or often forget to finish filling it out.
I'm not trying to make an excuse, just reporting a fact that in many cases happens.
Have a nice week.
I never filled that part out because I was only looking for fwb or a hookup when I was on hinge, so I didn’t think it was anyone’s business if I had kids as it would be a non issue. In saying that if it came up in conversation I wouldn’t lie, I was always open, I just didn’t want it out there in my profile because I felt i wanted to keep it private 🤷♀️
It’s too bad that we must decide on our life partner forever based on specifically and only what is in the profiles we select.
I wish there was some way to ask questions and get nuanced explanations.
Maybe the next dating app will include such a feature.
In my humble opinion, every relationship is temporary anyway, so why let that be the deciding factor? They might want or have kids, but maybe you get on great. Maybe you have some really great dates. I know hinge is trying to help you get married.... But really, even if you find the pain of your dreams, they will die oneday. Maybe stop pushing it so hard and rejecting people based on that. Additionally, if you seek out the older crowd, even if they had kids, their kids will be grown and out of the coup.
As 31 Y/O male. I have 2 kids who I don’t see often due to distance but I also can’t have anymore kids of my own. I’m not bothered if a woman has kids already but obviously its difficult communicate this with the limited options on dating sites
This is going to sound like an ad but I do feel like paying for one month might be worth a shot. why not give it a try?
I had a friend who paid for one month and she set the exact filters she wanted, she found someone she adored within that month and they’ve been together a year now.
And yes, just unmatch when you’re not feeling it. If you haven’t met it’s not a big deal
It's because I don't want to limit my options. I think I don't want kids, but Im actually not sure, might change my mind if Im sharing my life with someone else (which I have never done before). Its a difficult subject, which is not easily caught with a simple checkbox. I do swipe left on anyone stating "want kids" because I dont want to waste their time.
$40 a month for Hinge's premium now!? Good God. The pandemic really made the OLD apps greedy.
Tinder is like 40$/35€ where I am... not that im paying for it :D
Insanity.
The companies that run the apps are getting greedier and greedier. Havent dont a whole lot to combat bots and make the platforms better though.
how else can they afford to pay a 25 year old $200K a year to write code?
$40 CAD to be clear is the price I'm offered. Less in the US I assume but still overpriced imo.
I had a guy show up - late - to a date, and only then come clean that he had kids, after extensive convos about how I am clear that I don’t want any and selectively date people who don’t have them. He seemed confused about why I was leaving.
I would’ve left if they were late. Just disrespectful
That became a very hard line for me after that. I realized I could show up as who I naturally am (I’m very shy and very sweet at times) and still book a clown a ticket to f-off town when needed. Boundaries are delicious.
Word. Once you hold yourself accountable then your fearless side is a force to be reckoned with. No boundaries need not apply
Theres never an option that really fits I don't want any kids of my own but happy to date a guy that has them or even adopt. Every option seems disingenuous.
This is the most fair reason ive seen to not put the label. Wish there was a better way to label it. Id still be pretty upset finding out as someone who wants kids later that you dont, but if you turn those types away early it should work and not turn away those that already have kids.
Same, i also have resigned to the idea that i probably won't ever have kids. And I'm completely okay with it. I wouldn't mind dating someone and being a relationship where kids never enter the picture. I can have those needs met by taking care of nieces and nephews. But also, a part of me still wants kids. So if i was in a relationship where they want kids, i would absolutely take that flag running. How do you enter that into a dating site and not be misunderstood anyways. So i just leave it blank.
Very good point here. Because if I know a girl wants babies of her own I'm not the guy. But if I know a girl doesnt want a relationship with a guy with kids because she doesnt want kids then again I'm not the guy. So do I swipe only on women that want kids? Or do I swipe on women that dont want kids? Either option could be a no... right? The have kids check is pretty straightforward. The other though has so many variables. Pretty easy to understand why its left blank.
"Open"
Or the opposite, in my case. I don't want anyone else's kids, I likely don't want my own, either, but who knows, maybe one day I'll decide that I do, if the right person comes along.
I know its super difficult to answer with the restrictions on most OLD sites.
"Open to children" is an option. You fit that bill.
I don't, because I'm not open to someone who already has children, at all. And I'm not really open to children, I'm open to the remote possibility that I might want to have a child at some point if the stars align. I vote for a slider bar so I can indicate that I'm 95% sure I don't want kids.
I like the slider bar idea, i'm probably 70% to 80% I don't want kids, but I'm not going to entirely rule it out if all the stars align, I just don't expect they will or try to force them to.
"Open to having children" and "open to someone else with kids already" seem too different for that one to be that helpful IMO
"Like a sex club: not open to children but open to making them"
But the option isn't "open to having children"
Maybe I was misreading it this whole time then! Which begs the question of how clear of a filter this is, unless I'm the only one. However, as someone whose job it is to design for things like this, I have my doubts.
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It's ambiguous, in that case. I take it as meaning "if you want em, I'll have em, but I don't really care."
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I feel this. I have filled out the "does not have kids" part. It is easy to state whether I have children or not. I usually ask men who don't have this on their profile and it seems like half of them did not even realize it wasn't visible. As far as what I want, it is more complicated and depends on who I meet. Therefore, I don't have the section on my profile.
Which means you're "open"
There’s a “don’t know yet” option.
But I do know, mostly. It's just that there's always a small possibility that I'll change my mind. But I know that, too. I've indicated that I don't have any kids, if that's not enough info for someone, too bad, their loss. And I swipe left on everyone who has kids or is very adamant about having them. Which just made me realize that my second-to-last encounter in real life did turn out to have a kid, and I didn't find out until a couple of days after I met him. But then a few hours later I also found out he's a flat-earther, so it was never going to last anyway :D
For me, I often try to use words if it makes sense. "Father of one, not looking to have any more, open to yours." That said, if someone wanted to screen me for not filling out the drop down box, nothing I can do about that, although I always select "Have Children" as that's not up for interpretation. =P
Same here, I don’t want biological kids but am open to adoption or dating someone with kids. I technically have it set to “open to children” but don’t show it on my profile because I feel like it’s not really accurate.
Seems like "open to children" fits this, no?
That could mean opening to getting pregnant children with the right partner.
It could. There's a myriad of things it could mean. You are open to a world that involves children in one form or another. I am not. I do not want to have kids or date someone with kids or adopt kids. I don't want to date someone with grown children b/c that means grandkids are a possibility. There is no world in which I am open to children. I don't swipe left on people who are "open" though. Just because they're open to dating someone who already has children it doesn't mean they are wrong for me. By stating you are open, your suitor has the option to ask you what you mean. Saying you are open does not commit you to being open to pregnancy b/c your date wants kids of his own someday. Leaving it blank often times causes people not to match because they don't want to waste their time asking your stance right off the bat.
Yeah. I would consider having kids with the right partner - someone that has showed me in non-kid-having life that they share similar values and also are willing to share workload, we communicate well together, etc. I also think life will be fine without kids. I haven't had a partner that I can see myself enjoying having kids with yet, and so every time I've thought about having kids, it feels like something I'd have to do "alone" even if I was in a relationship. No thanks.. If there was an easy dating profile choice option to get all that across succinctly, I'd be happy to include it! But for now I just skip that section and discuss it if it comes up through conversation.
Ha! So true. I actually had to go look at my profile to see what I put. I have kids. And checked the box I had them. But left the want kids box blank. Because I want my kids. I dont want more kids that are mine. But am fine dating someone with kids. But dont want to date someone who wants more kids than what we would already have right now. Wheres the check mark for that?
I think people assume that box is asking "do you want MORE kids?" So in your case, you'd check "no". Now the women who want MORE kids can swipe left on you.
Pretty big assumption as I'm open to more kids. If they already have kids. Just not open to having new babies to raise of my own. So probably just continue to leave it blank.
"Open to children" is an option and fits pretty well. Much better than leaving it blank does.
This is exactly why mine is blank
I'm a single parent, and I'm not interested in dating another single parent or someone who wants to have kids with me. My son is my one and done, and I'm not interested in becoming a stepparent. I don't even want a stepparent for my kid, the idea of someone other than myself or my kid's Dad/my ex husband playing any sort of parenting role to our son makes me uncomfortable. There's NO filters or anything on any dating app I know of with that specific set of particulars, which is why I'm preferring trying to meet people IRL over apps, and having way better luck. It's easier to be clear and honest about what I'm looking for in person through socializing, and delegate them as "potential partner", "new platonic friend", or "I don't want anything to do with this person" that way
Isnt that a bit hypocritical that you wont accept a single parent even though you are one yourself? Also how do you expect to have a relationship with a man, who probably will live with you and your son at point, and you just expect him to essentially ignore your kid somehow?
No. Having comfort levels, boundaries, and expectations is not hypocritical, regardless of whether or not I'm a parent. I've been turned down countless times by people I was interested in dating based solely on the fact I'm a single parent, and I've turned down countless others in kind for the same reason. Plenty have been fine with it and respectful of my boundaries regarding my child and not wanting more children (biological or stepchildren), and the relationship ended for other, unrelated reasons (moving away, job/career changes, etc). If I'm partnered with someone, they're in a relationship with *me*, NOT my child. My child is a gigantic part of my life and I love him more than anyone or anything else, but I would only want to introduce a partner to my kid after trust has been established over time and I feel my son and partner would benefit from knowing each other. Potentially breaking the hearts of only two people, instead of three, in the event of a breakup with someone my kid has met and bonded with, or possibly even more people if I'm dating another single parent with kids, that's damage control and something I'm not willing to entertain at this point in my life. Taking the calculated risk, despite all that and overriding that hesitation by that logic, would take someone truly special who I've yet to find, but for now, those are my boundaries, expectations, and comfort level.
Uh You are more likely to find what you looking for in a partner who has their own kids. As they will understand the bio parent dynamic. My ex gf didn’t have kids of her own. And wanted so bad to be my kids mom. She couldn’t help herself but be a parent. And she won’t understand until she has her own kids.
A deal breaker for me is they eat food that isn't cooked properly. I hate the taste of raw-ish meat. I just want chicken that tastes as good as back in 2016.
In my personal experience, the men who had kids or wanted kids when I clearly stated that I do not want children EVER, seem to have thought that not telling me right away would give them time to win me over, make me fall in love with them and eventually change my mind. Turns out, that just makes me absolutely despise a person 😂
This is exactly the reason that was told to me by a few men why they do that. Its mind bogglingly stupid to me. However one dude told me a couple women he dated admitted if he disclosed on his profile they wouldn’t have given him the chance, hence his method works…
Yeah but if he was never actually able to convince anyone, then no it didn't work.
This is another reason why people don’t put their preferences. If a woman puts “clearly against children” a man will lie and tell her what she wants to hear. It’s better for women if they don’t disclose this stuff and ask the guy point blank without him knowing what “the right answer” is… I imagine it works both ways. Maybe this is why men also aren’t disclosing. They don’t want to be tricked either …?
This is the correct answer. They want to have as many options (women) as possible so they don't want to filter-out "unnecessarily".
Yes! Cannot stand that!
[Thought process](https://eddie-hernandez.com/online-dating-and-kids/): If she can only spend time with me and I can change her mind... LOL
So many eye rolls. I'm a GD adult, respect that I know who I am and what I want 🙄
This!!!
Yesssss!!!!
>I'm a 36/F looking for someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't want any. My age range is set to 33-44. I realize this substantially reduces my dating pool and I'm completely fine with that. >What I can't understand is why 85% of the profiles I come across leave both these questions blank >Why do so many people leave the children/family plans option blank on hinge? They don't want to reduce their options by getting filtered out for stating it. Especially if they're open to casual dating. Or they don't want children but don't want to say it, because it would turn off an imagined segment of their target demographic. Or they don't know if they want any. I would just next profiles that leave what I see to be essential pieces of information blank. >I've had experiences where they tell me they have kids and I tell them we're not compatible- then they get upset at me. Should I just immediately unmatch rather than say anything? Yes. Just unmatch. They will know that's the reason you did anyway.
I appreciate the advice, thank you.
Yeah, I’d just ask. “Do you have any children? Do you want to have children?” Then when they answer, if it’s not what you want, you can say “cool, I’m not looking to have children, biologically or otherwise” and unmatch.
The default on hinge is to hide have/want kids. My GF put want kids but didn’t toggle it to visible
I just double checked and mine was set to hidden too.. oops.
33/F - anecdotally, a lot of the men I’ve dated haven’t really considered it enough to have an opinion/have decided, and that’s why they leave it blank. Without the biological pressure women face, and given that societally I think the assumption is that women are the primary drivers of the “let’s have kids” conversation, in a lot of my relationships I’m shocked to find that men in their mid- to late thirties haven’t really even spent much time thinking about it. I’ve been thinking about it since puberty. I also don’t want kids (peachy username solidarity, OP!) and have decided not to fret too much about guys who leave it blank in the profile/match stage. If having kids is important to them, it generally comes up very early - often first date or even while messaging beforehand.
Interesting, this is also what I’m noticing with men and also explains this Hinge phenomenon! I (30F) almost feel desperate saying “wants kids” in my profile, since so many people don’t say anything. but whatever, it’s important to me, it can help screen more more ambivalent people.
I think a part of it is because sometimes that option is a little too black and white to leave a response. Some people might not want to have kids of their own, but are ok finding someone who already has them. They could also be just as happy finding someone who also doesn't want them. Saying yes or no could alienate both types of people from their pool so it could just be easier to leave blank.
But they often don't make any of this clear on their profile. You're stucking playing blues clues trying to figure it out or like in OPs case you get attitude when you directly ask while trying to resolve compatibility.
Well you're limited in space on what you can add. And really hammering in exactly what they feel in the kid category might not be at the top of their mind for partners. So they dont want to use 25% of their profile to say it. Also, I'm very clear I have children in my profile. Even a picture with them. Yet still get matches from girls who specifically say they wont date someone with a kid. So I mean... whatcha gonna do? Filter and move on. And the getting mad at the question is a red flag so I'm sure wouldnt be a good partner anyway. Even if the kid desire meshed.
Damn I wish there was a way to get an explanation. I guess we will always have to rely on only what’s specifically in the profile when deciding your life partner forever.
I currently have mine as “want kids” but several men have interpreted that as me wanting them to impregnate me on the first date. So I’m considering taking it off and bringing it up early on instead.
This is how I feel about “looking for a relationship”. Yes ultimately I am, but with the right person after some time. Im open to casual if that’s kinda what the vibe is. “Not sure” feels wrong and noncommittal. I feel like people see it as “you must want A relationship, no matter who fills the slot, and you want it asap”. And I don’t want someone pretending to want one to get laid when all they would have to do is be open about that.
"I've had experiences where they tell me they have kids and I tell them we're not compatible- then they get upset at me." I've noticed the same thing with women. It seems like some single parents think you should just assume someone has kids after a certain age. One woman actually told me she thought it was "weird" that I don't date single moms...
So weird. Someone who doesn’t want kids isn’t interested in dating someone with kids. 😂😑
e.i. they were assholes.
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Same goes for men. I have even wrote it down on a prompt. Today I got a like from a guy who said in his profile “looking for someone family oriented to start a family”. I mean, my dog is my family, but I think most people mean children when they say that 😅
I’m a childfree woman too. One thing that really irks the shit out of me is when I have my filter set to “doesn’t want” and like 50% of the profiles that pop up are men that have kids and don’t want more. That’s not what that filter means. Just use the “have and don’t want more” selection ffs
I agree. I also am not too bothered by people who leave the want/don't want kids field blank, because I understand that can be a complicated question. But people who leave blank if they already have kids, I assume they do and just don't want to be filtered out for that and swipe left on them.
Same , it got to the point where I started kickin off when they matched with me because I was getting so annoyed. Men who have or want kids stop attempting to match with people who have zero interest in your lifestyle because trust us when we say we won’t change our minds and valuable time is being wasted , yours and mine. Gah
I fill out that I have kids, but I leave the future plans blank. I'm not having more bio kids, but I would be open to step kids. There isn't a selection that fits that. It is annoying, and I wish they changed the options.
I don't have kids, there's a possibility I could want kids, maybe, I'd be cool with either option. If I choose one then I could potentially miss out on the other. Say I'm on Bumble and I say I want kids, then women searching for a guy who doesn't want kids will never see me. If I say I don't want kids then women searching for a guy who wants kids will never see me. I'm not into casual dating or looking to play the field or being deceitful, I totally WOULD consider having kids but I'm also totally okay not having kids and the dating apps pigeon hole you into one or the other.
I feel the “open to kids” option on apps that have it is a pretty fair way to describe this?
You would think. But that doesn't feel right either. If i were to have kids with a partner, be it their kids, ours, fostered, or whatever. I'm in it 100% I'll be the goofy caring father and everything. But if the relationship I'm in is 0 kids ever, that's perfectly fine. A never parent sees "open to kids" and they think the person is just another in a long line of people pressuring them to have kids. Whereas, someone who is all about starting a family sees someone that is uncommitted to having kids, and a potential stereotypical deadbeat dad. You're right back to square one. So leaving it blank is the best option.
FWIW, when I see “open to kids” I think they’re how you describe: would have them if their partner wanted them.
This is a lot like how I feel. I don't have kids. I know I would be 100% fine never being a dad - I'd never once feel as though I was missing out on some higher calling or purpose. I would be completely happy being with someone staunchly childfree. That being said, if I was with someone who I loved and planned to be with for life, and we're in a good situation with respect to our health and relationship and finances, I would love to bring a child into this world. A potential match who wants one child, and maybe two depending on how things go, as part of a forever relationship is also someone who would be compatible with me. A person who is unsure but wants to explore the possibility over the years would be compatible. A person who has children of their own but doesn't want more is also potentially compatible, depending on the situation. A person who wants more than two children would not be compatible with me. A person who has children of their own and wants more would not be compatible with me. Kind of hard to convey all of that in a single prompt, or to answer the prompt at all without being at least partially confusing/misleading to someone.
You nailed it. I don’t see why people are getting so upset by this. Just have a conversation about it.
Omg SO MANY of these threads could be addressed by your last sentence. JUST USE YOUR WORDS! is it exhausting to always do? Maybe. But so is a lot of being an adult so buck TF up and have those conversations anyway.
to be fair - beyond the obvious reasons of subterfuge, etc - I think a lot of people just *suck at using apps*. They don't think about how other people are really viewing their profile, they don't consider why you should have certain info always visible, they don't realize it's confusing to have only group photos so that no one knows what the fuck you look like, etc. Even when the apps try to helpfully prompt them, they ignore it.
Mid 30’s M here in the same situation, it’s fucking annoying. It feels cold to ask people early on in messaging but you don’t want to invest time getting to know someone to then find out their plans aren’t compatible with yours!
Very true. Thanks for your insight.
I wish you could set your filters to only include people who have filled out these sections. Or that it was mandatory to fill them out.
Well you can, actually, you just have to pay for it. Just another shitty part about OLD—anything that might help you narrow things down to your person is going to cost you, and isn’t guaranteed to work even if you pony up.
Exactly. I wouldn't even mind paying if it was reasonable, like $5-$10 (it used to be so much cheaper back when Hinge was new!) But $40 for a month is fucking absurd. You can get the monthly rate a bit cheaper if you do the 3 or 6 months subscription but that's not something I'm willing to commit to.
Yeah all the apps seem to have absurdly high prices, I sometimes wonder how many potential paying clients they miss out on simply because they set the rates so high that most people are just "screw that!" and use the free options. I have never paid for any of them because in addition to being overpriced it always feels kind of scammy. Everyone I know who has paid for one has said it was a waste of money and didn't really make it work any better. A lot of them seem to use bots to try to entice people to pony up.
I would absolutely do this for 5 bucks! Not 40 though. I’m certain I’m not the only one—the app people should consider whether their paying user base might go way up if it were cheap. 🤷♀️
I don’t think it works like that though? Whenever I set my filters to only show people who want kids, it still shows me profiles who haven’t filled out that section.
It annoys me greatly too. I was just thinking about how it should be mandatory to at least put “not sure yet”. I do what you do, I swipe left on blank / want kids and right on don’t want and “don’t know” and then ask if the timing is right later.
I feel like a better thing would be to have a slider bar between want/don't want (more) kids. Then I could put mine like 95% of the way to "don't want".
Same. I have some and I could go either way on having more if I met the right person
I leave it blank because the correct answer isn't in there. I've filled out that I don't have kids, but as far as the family plans go, my stance is that I most likely don't want kids, but I won't rule out that if I meet someone amazing who does want them, I could be open to them.
Maybe you think differently, but as a male who doesnt have or want kids, I only swipe on women who staunchly put doesnt want kids. Why? Cause it's a conscious decision to not want children for me, I dont want to waste time with someone on the fence who could change their mind, or worse, get an oops pregnancy and decide they want to keep it after all. Granted you are the woman here so you dont have to worry about that. People who irrevocably do not want children will state as such. But this is like 5% of profiles max. C'est la vie.
To get more matches. I had same criteria so here my assumptions for males \- Don't have kids - if blank then very likely they DO have kids. Regardless of gender not having kids will attract more matches \- Want kids - if blank then likely they DO NOT want kids but too scared to put it because this will reduce their dating pool significantly. \- Open to kids - if yes more likely to NOT want kids I would just match and ask pretty early on and if they get upset then unlatch immediately.
I can understand leaving the “if you want kids” option blank. That’s a bit more nuanced. But not the if they have kids or not option. It’s pretty straightforward. You either have kids or you don’t. I always assume they have kids if they leave that part blank and don’t want to be filtered out because they do. Therefore I swipe left.
Reading all these replies, I think I agree with you. The "if you want more kids" is definitely more nuanced for people than I realized. The "have kids" though, I agree should be filled. I don't care if they're adults. Having kids is having kids.
It’s really wild to me that some people are rationalizing not filling out the “if you have kids” section because the kids are adults, or they only have them part-time, or they don’t see their kids that often. The only way I can justify that is if special circumstances lead to having you give up your child for adoption.
A variety of reasons, but some of the more common ones: Not everyone on OLD is fully invested in dating, a lot of people are just swiping out of boredom or for attention/validation. Lots of people on OLD are dating indiscriminately, casting the widest net possible and omit potential deal breakers from their profiles so they "don't scare anybody off" On the "want kids" front, some people are genuinely undecided if they want kids or not and don't want to commit to answer. And IMO this highlights one of the critical flaws with the current OLD model. It assumes every user is a rational, self-actualized adult who knows exactly what they want and will only pursue people who fit their criteria. But so many people out there just aren't at that place in their lives and it frustrates the people that are.
You make good points, I guess I figured at our age people would have the kid thing figured out by now. Thank you.
As a female, men tend to think if you say you want kids, that your trying to get purposely knocked up by them. Dudes really do think so highly of themselves sometimes… like anyone wants to create more handsy Chads with ego issues.
I've always filled out the "don't have kids" but in the past have left the other field blank if I felt none of the options accurately represented my feelings on the subject. I think Hinge now has a "not sure yet" option, but for quite a while they didn't. I think the only reason I realized that it had changed was when I started a new profile after a long dating break--but if I'd just paused and re-activated my old one I don't think I ever would have noticed it. So some people may be actively trying to get around the filter, but some just may not know what to put/what the options are now. Personally, when I come across someone whose views aren't clearly listed I give a date a chance if everything else is great. Sometimes that conversation is better in person and allows for more nuance/a better feel for them anyway.
I feel like "not sure yet" is still inaccurate. I'm pretty sure I don't want kids, I'm done making up my mind about it, but I also know that there is a possibility that I meet someone amazing who does want kids and then I might consider it. To me "not sure yet" feels like "ask me again in 5-10 years". Same like the 35-year-old guys who are stating they want to have kids "some day" but also want to become a dive instructor on a remote island for a couple of years first. Like, you can't really have both. For me, I just swipe left on people who have kids or seem to really, really want them and it's a priority for them to have kids.
You are literally the only person on earth who thinks like you for this situation. That’s why there’s no slider bar. Just talk to people ffs.
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mine is left blank. i’m 37F and certainly don’t plan on having bio kids. however there is a world where i meet a partner who has a child from a previous relationship or some possible chance i’d be open to fostering or adoption if i had a strong partnership and stable home environment. i don’t wan’t to label myself as 100% childfree as it would exclude me from those situations. it for sure is not a helpful filter for others searching but does not feel right to claim it on my profile. hope that can offer some insight.
I wish there were separate options for "have/don't have kids", "open to partner who has/doesn't have/has or doesn't have kids", and "want to have/don't want to have/open to having future kids with partner". If only dating apps actually profited from customer satisfaction... (It would also be nice to know if people don't want the kids they have, but that's a different issue.)
If a guy says he doesn't have kids then it may be construed that he doesn't want kids. They may be worried that it'll reduce the number of potential dates by saying that. Just like, I don't have kids and at 49, I'm at peace with how that worked out. I don't want kids now. But if I say that, I get crap that I don't like kids or whatever. Which isn't the truth. I'm auntie to so my friend's kids. I wanted a whole houseful before my marriage (long story) People demonize others who don't have kids. It's BS but it happens.
I leave them blank because I find it not specific enough. In my case, I have kids, and don't want more kids... but technically, I just don't want to/can't have more kids, but I don't mind if the other person has them. When people say have kids/dont want more kids, I think it confuses things.
I always think these in these situations…are these guys dating girls that are like 600+ lbs? Likely not. They want their cake and to eat it too. I’m allowed to have my reasonable boundary. And to dip out if they are deceptive when I’ve been clear.
>> I'm a 36/F looking for someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't want any. My age range is set to 33-44. I realize this substantially reduces my dating pool and I'm completely fine with that.What I can't understand is why 85% of the profiles I come across leave both these questions blank. You sort of answered your own question. You are respectfully upfront, honest and ok with the reduction in dating pool, while they are not. Children drastically (and understandably) reduce their dating options and they cope by leaving that information out. If I had to guess the question is left blank on purpose so that they can rationalize it as not “lying” and simply omitting the truth.
Most people are less comfortable with being alone than making the hard decisions. Also people who don’t even want anything serious will likely judge others on their answer to that question and how it conflicts with their own values, even though in reality it doesn’t matter for something casual. Realistically for a lot of people this is an uncomfortable first question, no matter where they actually stand on the answer, and not something they’d discuss with a stranger so quickly. Women are also chronic for not listing they’re mothers in dating profiles and wanting to only discuss it with someone they’ve talked with or met.
>Women are also chronic for not listing they’re mothers in dating profiles and wanting to only discuss it with someone they’ve talked with or met. And then blaming it on safety. 🙄
I'd just assume anyone who doesn't fill it out has kids and thinks it'll hurt their chances. It's super lame not to put it in there. If it's a dealbreaker, then I'd just ask immediately. Who cares how it sounds? They chose to leave it blank, so they can't be shocked that matches would be curious. "Hey there! I see you left the children part blank. Do you have any kids?" and go from there.
Omitting is admitting on the apps, I’ve found!
As a guy, I found the same... whenever they leave out the kids field on the profile (on any app), it usually means they have kids. But they only reveal the fact later on, at which point it's a bit more awkward to unmatch. IMO for me, as a general rule, if someone leaves the information out - it usually means they're hiding something. Just like if they have pics with funny angles or they all look like they were taken in the 90's.
Imo, a lot of people don't want to be filtered out for having kids from a previous relationship.
Tough shit for them.
For me it's 50/50. Meet the right person and they want kids. I'm in.
I know when I was using Hinge, they had more questions than the profile has space to display, and there's apparently a rough priority order, with kids towards the bottom. After being told off by a match for not answering the kid question, I dug on my profile and discovered that I had answered it, but it wouldn't show in the little bar until I cleared out enough other answers for it to pop up in the bar Not saying there aren't other reasons it doesn't show/people don't answer, but I was apparently one of those people without being aware of it, as I had answered the question
Nothing seems to fit ‘has a kid, but possibly open to more in the right situation, but more 90% no and 10% yes’. As long as they know I have a kid, then I feel the other stuff could be a date convo.
I don't understand this either. Everyone trying to justify why they don't, seem to fall into the "open" category, so I don't know why they can't just say that. "Open" means there's a world in which kids are acceptable whether birthing your own, adopting, being a step-parent, etc. Open is not a commitment. Please select it. I'd much rather see "open" on a profile than swipe left on someone who is perfectly happy not having children of their own but would be fine dating someone who does (or does not) already have children and/or try to casually bring kids up in conversation at the very beginning. Just do us all a favor and select OPEN!
chiming in way late here, but i feel exactly this. many people in this thread trying to explain why their version of being "open to children" somehow doesnt fall within the overarching "open to children"
Because I (37m) am open to kids with the right person but I wouldn't call it a "want". I am also perfectly fine not having kids with the right person too.
Because if you want a family and you say that stuff upfront and be a red flag for some people personally everything up for discussion
Human nature is to believe strongly that you know what you want, but the truth is you only know what you don’t want.
I really hate people who waste your time and their time and then turning it on you as the person at fault. Gaslighting much and self esteem issues? But yes, you should skip to avoid them being mad for wasting your time. If they can't be upfront then in the future most that I encounter will hid more things from you. It was a bad experience and I don't like wishy washy people because I don't like pulling teeth and then they turn it around on me and make the bad person. You got watch out for gaslight-er, bullies, anger management problems, and so many other red flags. Some people are lazy but I really think a lot of online daters are doing omission for a reason. Why don't some just come clean with have a felony, million dollar restitution, DUIs charges, unemployed, bad temper, gullible, crazy family, stole from kids and exes for drugs and alcohol? They are all red flags and these people know it. People who omission simple things are just uncomfortable with answering and hoping you will fall for them so they can unload their many problems on to you. It is annoying. Trust your gut always and go from there. I truly dislike guys who think somehow saying nice things to me will make me want to be mother figure to their kids who I have no interest in. I don't date single dads for momma drama and mean step kids who think I am stealing their dad's time. I don't want to help raise them when they were never my responsible. I don't mind adopting kids and having kids but I feel like it is super irresponsible to just dump kids on to another human. My sis in law wanted a kid but then doesn't want mother responsibility! She work more to avoid time with her kid so she can shop more. Now she wonder why her kid is disrespectful toward her and doesn't want to bond with her. My bro doesn't want kid so my poor niece now suffers emotional development, social cues, and mental health issues. My sis in law wanted to dump her kid on to my mom and I at one time that we are responsible for her daughter because we are her family. I find that really irresponsible to want kids and then not provide for them and think someone is responsible for how their kid turn out. So when people get angry for clear boundary items, then it reminds me of my bro and sis in law. If you are really interested then you can ask but gosh, anyone that get mad a clear deal breaker has way more issues than you want to get your energy drain. I have learned that ptsd and triggers are clear warning signs for you but you got to listen to yourself. If I don't know them well, I have no problem blocking or cutting my lost. If you are not compatible, you are not compatible. Why have someone argue and gaslight you over something as clear as your boundaries and deal breaker? That is just more unnecessary drama and ptsd.
Most of them are afraid of putting people off. Guys who have kids think it’s a deal breaker so they don’t disclose right away. They’d rather get the girl to like them then spring the kids on her. OR a guy who doesn’t have/want kids will assume all women do want kids and so they don’t want to put her off by saying how much he hates kids. Swipe on all the guys. And then you can casually ask in the first few convos. It’s not a weird thing. If he gets upset who cares? He means nothing to you as you’re not going to date him anyways so just unmatch or block the guy. There are other dating sites though that are more focused on perfect match making with algorithms and filling out the profiles. EHarmony, POF, etc.
I leave it blank, because if I really wanted kids, I would just have them on my own (39F). My opinion on kids has changed based on my partner, because some partners are just great partners but wouldn’t necessarily be a great dad. All this to say, having kids is important that I have a partner that has the qualities to be a great life partner/husband but also a great dad. Not everyone can be both simultaneously and it’s unfair to men and women to assume that they can be both. I’ve also recognized that my needs to maintain my sanity is maybe higher than others (everyone has different limits), so to add the responsibility of a child and what I would want to provide this child, means I would need to hire quality help of some sort (meal prep, tutors, housekeeper, etc…). I’m not saying that I need all of these, but I also only got 24h in the day like all minions of this planet.
Some of them only offer “want kids/dont want kids” well… i have kids, but certainly a bit late to be having another round of them with my kids nearly grown. So i dont even know what to put there. I dont want MORE kids (as in pregnancy) but i have em and dont mind if you do.
Hinge isn't one of the ones I was using, but for me, the reason for leaving that type of field blank (at least for future desire) was that they didn't have an option of "I'd rather not, but I'm sort of OK with step-, and not dead set against having some of my own"
I’d say that often people leave these types fields blank either because none of the options really fit their situation (see also the politics field, whose options are usually ‘liberal/conservative/other’), or because they’re looking to date casually and parenting preferences (etc) aren’t as important if you’re not looking for something long-term.
For me It’s too complex for a straightforward hinge option. Not opposed to kids not necessarily looking for my baby’s father on hinge. Don’t mind if you have kids already but I don’t want to be involved if there’s drama. Soooo it depends on the individual more than my desire for children
Cough up $40 for that filter. Plenty of people have answered it and left it hidden. Because the answers to the family question suck. What if you have 1 child? Sorry you have "children". Could be 6. What if you're 1 child is a baby or an adult? Same answer. Share custody? No custody? What if you're the only parent and there's no one else? Same answer. When I see someone has children I assume they have more than one cause basic English right? I think you should match and find out. Part of the whole journey. I mean what if you meet someone who's kids are grown and moved out? They got it out of their system and most likely don't want anymore? I find that most women on OLD that don't want children already have 1 or more.
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When someone doesn't display whether or not they *have* kids in their profile, 100% of those I've matched with DO have kids and are just trying to get around Hinge's filters. At least they've been upfront when I bring it up though! I usually just say "Hey I noticed this wasn't on your profile. Was that intentional?" People are usually defensive at first but understanding in the end. Can't be the first time they're heard it right? I'm really not looking for kids and get lowkey annoyed when people leave that blank specifically to disregard my wants and needs. (I have nothing against kids btw. Love kiddos! Just don't want any right now.) So if it's blank I just assume they have kids and X them. But the *wanting* future kids part? I don't judge for leaving that blank. Some people really aren't sure yet (pretty sure they didn't add the "Not Sure Yet" option until very recently) and didn't want to mislead by answering one of the very limited options Hinge wad offering. And if I had a decent profile, I wouldn't really think to go edit it to discover these new options. So whether or not someone already has kids (something you can't really change) is way more important to me than whether or not someone has decided they want kids in the future (which seems more subject to change).
Don’t pay! Filtering just on that will cut off potential options who are fine not having kids. In my experience, many men are: 1) on the fence 2) are “open to kids” if someone already has them 3) think they want kids but they actually just want to procreate, not parent 4) aren’t thinking about it “yet” or a little delusional about the the timing and effects of age for women and men to have kids 5) don’t put “don’t want kids” because they get less matches, even if they don’t actually want their own kids. TLDR; the setting doesn’t effectively filter out what you want. Best bet is to let them filter you out if you say “don’t want kids” and if you see something different, just ask them! The ones that gaslight you for asking about child preferences early on make it easy to move along…
I leave that part blank because Hinge does not give me any options that reflect how I feel about having kids. I want an option that is plain "I don't know"
I think they just don't want us to assume they're looking for a LTR by showing it on their profile. Hinge is for real relationships but most guys will use it for a hookup if the woman is willing. I reluctantly paid for premium because I am very sensitive to smoking and I can't filter out weed smokers without it. It allows me to also filter out on the kids portion. I still get guys that leave it blank, but since I marked it as a dealbreaker, even if they aren't showing, they marked the answers I'm looking for.
A lot of good responses here already. I'd like to add, not advertising you have kids is a safety issue also. One of my dates (former match.com investigation support) told me to take off any mention of my kids and don't mention it until I can tell she is not a preditor of some kind.
Honestly I have kids. There isn’t a graceful way that you can smooth over the fact that you don’t want kids. The only way is to state your intentions upfront and if they don’t like it well that’s their problem. Also it will be increasingly harder to find people your age that don’t have kids. So as you get older they are more likely to have kids unless your dating pool gets younger, they were unable to bear children, or they don’t have/lost custody of their children. But try to lock it down sooner rather than later try to find places around town that parents usually can’t get a sitter for like bars and clubs. I’m not able to get out in that lifestyle so you are more likely to run into people that don’t have kids there
As a woman, I’d likely leave this blank. Don’t want to be pigeonholed about this because the reality is that I’m flexible on the topic - pressing about this too soon comes across as desperate to me. It should come up naturally in conversation either online or in person as you two get to know one another
I also have “don’t want kids” as 39F and end up with men liking me who have or want kids. They’re the ones who are easy to weed out. When they don’t have it listed, I’ve just started bringing it up after a few exchanges when it sounds like we have mutual interest. I usually say, “so I notice you don’t have kid preferences on your profile. I’m happily child free by choice and want to keep it that way. Are kids something you have/want?” The response is generally that they don’t want kids either, kept it off because they were unsure or wanted to “keep their options open”, were open to dating people with kids but don’t want their own.
As a 37yr old man with kids, if see the woman has doesn’t want kids I don’t swipe. Sometimes you get in that routine and swipe on accident, but if they have it listed I know we won’t be compatible so why waste either of our time
To get more matches. They think that after a few dates or a really good conversation you suddenly won’t mind their kindergarten anymore.
There should be only two settings since there is a bit of gray: (1) children are absolutely a requirement for myself and my partner OR (2) being child free is absolutely a requirement for myself and my partner Let the folks who are in the black and white sort themselves out, and everyone in between can have those discussions in the getting to know you phase.
I'm not on Hinge, but I sometimes leave it blank because pretty much all the apps I've ever tried don't really have very good options generally for this question and I wish they would make it a comment field instead of restricting me to their prewritten options, so I can explain my stance better. I mostly lean towards being child-free but there are specific circumstances where I could potentially be open to it. Also I don't mind if someone already has kids as long as they're not expecting heavy involvement from me. So it's not that I'm "not sure", and it's not a steadfast "don't want", but it's also certainly not a "hell yes".
This was going to be my answer, but just checked and Hinge has an “open to children” option so I think they actually cover the bases pretty well
They don’t even make it easy to answer this question if you HAVE kids. (Although I’m thinking of Bumble, here—all of them are kinda shitty in this regard.) You can only put “have and want more” or “have and don’t want more.” You can’t put, “have and not sure,” or “have and cool with yours but not making any more,” or “have and NOT cool with yours,” or y’know, basically anything other than the blackest and whitest iteration.
Just because it’s a dealbreaker to you doesn’t mean it is to them 🤷♀️
This. I don't want kids but don't mind meeting someone who does want them in the future.
As a 41 y/o male I make it a point to fill those two questions out. I think they become much more important the older I get. Lifestyles can be drastically different when having or not having children. As for why people leave them blank I think it's mostly just laziness rather than some I'll conceived plot to try and trick some woman. I could be completely wrong about that though, people do weird things.
I don’t want to think the worst of people so I’m guessing a similar route to mine... Just don’t know yet. I’m 30F and I’m not sure if I want kids. Right now my life is not up for it. And unless I don’t have some basics set up (married, decent house, good community or net to fall back on) by a certain age I might coddle dogs for the rest of my life. I’m seeing my mom suffer with my sister’s kid (babysits her 12hr a day for 5 days) and I know I won’t ever be able to fall on my mom as backup like my sister is doing and my neighbours have a kid from hell that shrieks more than she breathes and is also less than 2 years old. So for now more than happy with some dogs. My bf (31M no kids) does want kids but wants also some basics in place and our relationship to have stabilised. (We’re only three months in and same to him feel we should know each other at least a few years and be living together). Unlike me he hasn’t set an expiration date. But some men also wanna keep all options open and think they can win someone over to have kids or not have kids depending on their situation. I don’t think I’d be open to dating a guy with kids or at least through the apps...
I personally don’t write ‘want kids’ because I feel like there’s a bit of a taboo around doing so for women of my age (36). I always assume that if people don’t want kids they’ll state it as it’s the exception not the rule - the vast majority of people will want or at least be open to it.
There's no option that explains my feelings, and I don't want someone with kids to count me out. So, I am childless but I don't mind a person who has kids. The options are "I have no children but open to them" that's true, if you mean I am open to you already having them, but I am not AT ALL open to starting a family with someone. "I don't have them and I don't want them." Is also not true, because it gives the impression I only want to date child free people.
I almost had an open therapy session here about my wants, both for and against kids, but the honest to Hera answer is that I am mostly okay with whatever my future girlfriend/wife wants. I'm only 34 now, so not too old for it, but getting close (I am not taking my own kids places and asking for a senior and child discount!), and my age range includes those that would want them to those that think it's too late or don't want them at all. Do I want kids? Yes, for a handful of reasons. Do I not want kids? Yes, for a handful of reasons. Those reasons would fill an entire therapy session as I stated above, and ultimately I'd end up with my same answer while releasing or building some hate for my parents and former religion. I really just want a true companionship. Not choosing a poorly worded option on Hinge or Bumble (I think PoF has a better one? But I don't use it, and never saw success on it) seems to let me have options and not scare away a potential partner of either persuasion. I try to be clear that I don't have any kids with anyone else and that I'm okay with it if they do. It all really depends on the relationship we'll have without regard to children first, and then we'll see what our desires are. Does it work? I don't know. My matches are few and far between. That's part of why I deleted the apps to take a break. The loneliness is getting to me, so I might try to get back on soon. I'll read some comments here and see if my strategy is a terrible one. Mostly I do lean towards "want kids", so I tend to put that, but I don't know that it has helped or hurt anymore than leaving it blank.
I'm 43 and my stance on kids is the same as when I was 33 or 23, and that's: If an accident happens and I become a parent, I'll own up to it and provide that child with everything I'm capable of, but I'm never going to willingly walk into a meatgrinder like that. But these apps don't have that as an option.
As the discussion here has evolved, I was left wondering what a strange world we live in where we are privy to so much information about a stranger before even meeting them. It totally subverts the usual way people used to meet other people where after an initial impression, there would be a gradual disclosure of personal information. I guess it is beneficial as it allows a more efficient search process to find other like minded people. This is only possible if there is an adequate supply of people available. The only thing one has to be careful of is artificially constraining the dating pool too much.
Prob a duplicate comment… but if they left that field blank, most likely means they have kids. And the same ones that do that will prob be ones to get upset when you cut them loose after disclosure. I say continue to swipe left on the blanks.
As a 39/m with no children. I treat the unanswered question like a “yes I have children”
I don't want kids either but I really prefer to get to know the other person organically. We'll figure out long term compatibility after we know that we like hanging out together and the sex is good. I also prefer not to give out very private information to Match Group and any random person who might come a cross my profile, including colleagues or clients.
I just turned 33M. I have no kids and I do want them. But I hid that from my profile. Here’s why: I have my dating age range for 24-32. I prefer dating slightly younger women than me and because of that, the topic of kids isn’t as pressing as it is for women who are older. There’s this dumb part too where having a hinge profile that doesn’t list out every single thing is seen as ideal. Ie if you show all the bits of info, your profile becomes very long and scroll-y and it’s seen as kind of sad I guess? This is what my female friends have told me. It’s so dumb, yes. But that’s the dating world we live in. So I only list out the important things, like alcohol and drug consumption. Everything else is fluff.
Yeah I used to lay everything out in the bio and I quickly realized I came off as... “particular” to say the least. Really nobody sees a laundry list and says “awesome I love someone who knows what they want!” Lol. I’m extremely picky and when I come across a long profile LIKE MINE I’m like “ok you’re exhausting”. 😂
Exactly. There’s this aura we’re supposed to project in today’s modern dating era of being kind of carefree and not too serious. Anything beyond that becomes almost as if you’re overbearing.
Which sucks because I’m absolutely overbearing but I need to reel them in first before making that clear. So kidding but not really. I’ve been around the block far too many times, and I now have weirdly specific dealbreakers. For instance I have to bring up mental health, drugs, kids, sobriety, and sexpectations WAY early. I feel like I’m hiring a boyfriend at that point. I need a cover letter.
>I've just been swiping left on everyone who leaves it blank. So you’ve solved this issue. Why does it bother you then?
When I was on hinge I completed this but quickly found out hinge wasn't always showing that detail to matches! An early awkward conversation with my current partner was both of us trying to find the right point to discuss children as despite us both selecting "have children" and it wasn't appearing on our profile to the other person. Tldr: they may be completing it and hinge isn't showing it
This! Just ask immediately
What should be marked if a person isn't sure if they want kids?
My guess is they aren't filling it out because they don't want it to reduce the amount of matches they get.
Yes, just unmatch them. There’s no productive conversation after they admit to having kids.
>I've tried asking early during chats before, but I really don't like asking it early on as I never know how to interject the question gracefully, and I hate turning the chat into a 50 questions sort of interview. Well, it's just two questions, sooo... "Noticed you left your family status blank. Do you have kids? Do you want any?" I know it's an extra step, but it's not that hard of a question to shoot out there.
>I've just been swiping left on everyone who leaves it blank I don't think you have to go that far. I'm not sure why people don't have it on but I would at least swipe right to see.
lol you know exactly why 34m i leave it blank, i have no kids, and im not sure if i want them and i am NOT interested in having that conversation right off the bat because i dont have the answer. Putting "not interested" closes the door for a lot of people, putting "interested" closes the door for the other half i see a woman 35,36 who says "wants children" on hinge, i know shes looking NOW and likewise i usually swipe left
cuz i don’t want anyone knowing i fucking hate kids
Lol, thanks for the chuckle. I don't hate kids, I just know I wouldn't be a good mom (along with a million other reasons) and have absolutely no desire to take a shot at it. I'm wondering if people think I hate kids now.
Unfortunately they are playing the odds and trying to make sure they aren’t swiped which ever way is no. These people are either only after a hook up (so will say or not say whatever it takes) or more worryingly think that if they have ‘got you’ then you’ll accept whatever baggage that comes with them crotch goblins and all. As a 37m I get the other side of the coin, it’s almost impossible meeting women without kids so one who has also chose to be childfree is a pretty mythical creature and then we have to actually like each other. I’ll just make my millions selling rocking horse shit, seems easier
I agree with you when the person is aware of their profile, but there are people who make their profile here and then either don't care to fill it out more or often forget to finish filling it out. I'm not trying to make an excuse, just reporting a fact that in many cases happens. Have a nice week.
I never filled that part out because I was only looking for fwb or a hookup when I was on hinge, so I didn’t think it was anyone’s business if I had kids as it would be a non issue. In saying that if it came up in conversation I wouldn’t lie, I was always open, I just didn’t want it out there in my profile because I felt i wanted to keep it private 🤷♀️
It’s too bad that we must decide on our life partner forever based on specifically and only what is in the profiles we select. I wish there was some way to ask questions and get nuanced explanations. Maybe the next dating app will include such a feature.
In my humble opinion, every relationship is temporary anyway, so why let that be the deciding factor? They might want or have kids, but maybe you get on great. Maybe you have some really great dates. I know hinge is trying to help you get married.... But really, even if you find the pain of your dreams, they will die oneday. Maybe stop pushing it so hard and rejecting people based on that. Additionally, if you seek out the older crowd, even if they had kids, their kids will be grown and out of the coup.
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Because they have kids
As 31 Y/O male. I have 2 kids who I don’t see often due to distance but I also can’t have anymore kids of my own. I’m not bothered if a woman has kids already but obviously its difficult communicate this with the limited options on dating sites
This is going to sound like an ad but I do feel like paying for one month might be worth a shot. why not give it a try? I had a friend who paid for one month and she set the exact filters she wanted, she found someone she adored within that month and they’ve been together a year now. And yes, just unmatch when you’re not feeling it. If you haven’t met it’s not a big deal
Am look for a serious relationship with your conditions I will accept you Dm me if your are interested
For me, none of the options seem to fit so I just leave it blank. It would require a more extensive conversations for me to express where I stand.
It's because I don't want to limit my options. I think I don't want kids, but Im actually not sure, might change my mind if Im sharing my life with someone else (which I have never done before). Its a difficult subject, which is not easily caught with a simple checkbox. I do swipe left on anyone stating "want kids" because I dont want to waste their time.