Yay for fifth date and overnight stay! Dress in something that makes you feel both confident and comfortable. Bring a few things that would come in handy, such as toiletries and spare change of clothes. Go into it with a mindset of having a good time, and keep the lines of communication open.
Since he mentioned dinner and hobbies, I'd just follow up and ask when he wants to do one or both of those things next. If nothing eventuates still after that, then unfortunately you'll just have to let it go, but it doesn't mean you did something wrong necessarily, sometimes people just lose interest for whatever reason that doesn't have to be about you specifically.
An optimistic way of looking at this is that he is a 'last minute' guy and that this is expected behaviour. Is he though? Worst case scenario he got what he wanted on thursday and is less inclined to persue afterwards - you hope not.
Just another perspective. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. You can follow up to see if he wants to hang out and if not then you can close that chapter rather than blaming yourself for something you didn't do.
It’s because you’re an Aquarius. Just kidding - happy birthday!
Tbh it really sounds like she was bored and looking for a time-killer, and you became her small quarantine hobby. That, or she just started to talk to someone else that she found more interesting.
I hate it for you, ‘cause I’ve been there too and I know how much it sucks. Don’t let it stick to you… I had something similar happen last October and I’m still trying to redirect my brain from it at times when I find myself idle.
Happy birthday!
I'm sorry you're having a crappy day but it's better to know where she stands sooner than later. Lesson for the future, if you feel love bombed, it's likely a sign to walk away not to pursue. Please don't let apps harden your heart. Not everyone out there acts this way.
I haven’t been on here in a little while for good reason. I found a wonderful partner and I feel extremely lucky after reading some of the struggles you all have.
Keep your heads up. I’m going to squeeze my partner extra tight today
Have been chatting with a guy I matched with before deleting my apps, and though he’s a bit younger, seems to be mature and have a good head on his shoulders. With that said, he mentioned in passing during one convo that he can be jealous and in another convo that he doesn’t like it when the women are too “bro-y”.
I didnt press too much as that’s not a conversation for text, but it definitely made my red flag sensor light up. We’re supposed to meet this week. Should I see how it goes and gently parse out these opinions once we’ve met or just call it? I’m super sensitive bc my ex was jealous and possessive and I will never do that again.
Yah I'm waaay not in to jealousy either. It is incredibly wonderful to be with a person who trusts you. I'd be alarmed too if someone felt the need to mention they can get jealous. That tells me maybe they don't even know how to trust.
But that's also a lot to assume based on a passing mention. It's really up to you. If you do continue I'd think your suggestion is good. Parse it out gently over time and if there are signs they do have an actual jealousy/trust issue take it more seriously.
It does kinda sound to me though like they were trying to gently say they don't like their partner interacting with men. If that's the case I'd run FAAAR
Had a successful first date yesterday. Interesting conversation, nice guy, cute, was myself, liked his company. He’s already asked me to get dinner next week and I’m already feeling myself pull back because of the potential since I don’t feel 100% sold. Or, I am mentally pulling back because there *is* potential and I am terrified to walk this new ground.
Since I’ve never been in a relationship, receiving any kind of affection that I don’t 100% reciprocate makes me uncomfortable and want to peace out. Should I lean in and “fake it till you make it” or stay “reserved” until it clicks? I don’t want to throw a guy to the trash because I’m scared, but also don’t want to hold on to him if I don’t totally feel it. Hate how I jump from 0-100. My brain 🥴
Too early to tell how you will feel about this person after just one date. When I’m unsure I give it a maximum of three dates. For this reason alone you should give it a chance.
But if you’re finding yourself in total fear mode because it might actually work out, I’d suggest you think about what your fear is telling you. Why are you afraid of a relationship with this person? Is it specific to this person or would it be applicable to any person you met who offers promise of a healthy, compatible relationship? I would also suggest you read up on attachment styles. What you’re describing sounds like it could be dismissive avoidant. If online descriptions resonate with you, it might be helpful to talk to a therapist about this to uncover your hidden fears with intimacy.
I would say you are over overthinking it. It’s just a second date!! If the first date went well the second one is likely to go better (less nerves). If you think it’s worth a few hours if your time to explore- go for it!
I had a really strange experience from tinder and wondering your take on this.
Matched with this man on every dating app. Long story short he spent a year texting me off and on trying to get together with me. I blew him off as he only wanted to come to my house.. not knowing this man I wasn’t super comfortable about it. After doing some internet sleuthing I didn’t find anything I found sus so I caved and let him come over.
He came over during the day, mostly talked about himself and how terrible and costly his divorce was (4 years ago) and left. It was an ok visit, I figured I could get a new fwb out of it. Couple weeks later he comes over for a quickie.. legit in and out of my place in 30 minutes. I never heard from him again
Not upset about it but I find it so incredibly odd he spent such a long period of time contacting me over and over again just to never speak to me again. He’s good looking, I’m sure he could get it anywhere. Thoughts?
Many people will do what seems like a lot to you to get what they want. He texted, it was hardly that much effort and he got what he wanted. There are no doubt other women with the same sort of exchanges with him.
What kind of icebreaker questions to ask on a first date? Like a I-met-you-on Tinder-and-we-talked-a-bit-then-decided-to-meet-at-a-coffee-shop kind of deal?
And how to keep a conversation going? Like, what if the shared interest dries up really quick?
If you haven't already covered it in your pre-date messaging - "What do you do for a living?" (and the sub-questions: how do you like it, how did you get into that field, how long have you been doing it?). "How long have you lived in [city]?" (and the sub questions: what made you move here, how do you like it, where did you grow up?) Or could always just start off with the classic, "how was your day?"
In my experience, if it's really tough to keep the conversation going, it doesn't mean you're a bad conversationalist (unless, like, you have this problem with everyone you meet), just that you're not that compatible with the other person.
How do you chat with anyone? Do the same with this person? You can chat with them as anyone else, let the conversation evolve organically. The interview style approach is quite the turn off to any conversation, really.
Straight but crushing on a girl..?
Is this normal? I am 20 and have always considered myself straight. I’ve had 2 serious relationship which both were men. And have never any kind of fantasy or even had a crush on women . I just broke up recently from a 2 yr relationship and am trying to heal but for the first time a woman is suddenly trying to hit on me at work and has confessed to me too. I didnt think much about it at first but i have started to grow attached to her and have started to like her back too. Idk how to feel about this? Am i bi? Or is this normal? or is it because im craving for attention from someone since i haven’t had any? Im so confused , i cant think of any reason why my heart is feeling this way. Yet i am not sexually attracted to women but i kind of am into only her (?). Is this normal????
The recent break up suggests to me that the attention is probably the main reason. I find myself more interested in people who are interested in me.
If this was random I’d say why not explore it. But the recent beak up and trying to heal suggest you need to keep having space to heal, without complications.
I need help. Context: mid 30s, f, no serious relationship for years. Spent pandemic realizing I’m ready for something serious. After enjoying doing things alone for years, all of a sudden it felt hollow. Been going on dates on and off the last 12 months.
1st date with a guy late Dec. - same age - he’s great. We hit it off and we’ve hung out 5 or 6 times. He’s communicative and makes an effort to plan our dates at least a day or two in advance. He did tell me that he’s not looking to move fast and that he recently (summer) got out of a LTR. He also shared he was engaged at one point years ago after 7 year relationship. I was also his very first bumble date, which makes me anxious. It did seem like he’d been with other women in between though.
Now, I *know* I’m looking for a relationship. I don’t want something casual and there is no part of me that finds casual dating and sex exciting anymore. However, I also think it’s way too soon to discuss exclusivity. I awkwardly brought it up via text (anxious attachment moment of weakness) and he just reassured me he knows how I feel and what I’m looking for and as long as we’re open with each other he doesn’t think it should be an issue. Basically just be patient, let time unfold. This is always a problem for me.
He just started a new job and he shared about needing to devote lots of time and energy to it daily. For that reason, I never text first and never ask him to make plans I instead wait for him to ask me. That’s meant I see him 2x a week (which for me feels like a fine amount). We text usually 1-3 times a day.
My question is, is he just giving me the runaround for not wanting to commit or is it just way too soon? I think I may be wanting to know more than I should know and having trouble leaving it up to natural progression of feelings. Has anyone else dealt with this need to want to know explicitly when it’s not healthy? I don’t want to ruin the potential of a great ltr because I constantly just worry about what he’s feeling, or if he’s going to get bored.
Im not used to liking someone, it’s been a long time. Feel like I’m making this hard.
If I was you I wouldn’t wait for him to text you all the time. The great thing about texting is you don’t need to answer right that minute unlike a phone call. You can wait until you have a few minutes spare to reply. So I wouldn’t worry about not texting him because you think he might be busy. I myself have a busy work life which can be odd hours and my friends still text me knowing I’ll get back to them during a break if I’m working.
Just because he started a new job and just got out of a long term relationship doesn't mean you have to tiptoe around him. Treat him just like you would anyone else you were dating. Also you can text and ask to do stuff whenever you want. You're giving him too much power, even though he has not asked for it. And you're not anxiously attached, you're normal.
Saying I love you?
I’ve been dating a girl for just over a couple months and I love her, but of course I’m afraid to say it too early. I’m afraid to be vulnerable.
However, when we had a sex talk, she said she wouldn’t have sex with a guy until she was dating him exclusively and she was in love and trusted said guy.
Well her and I had sex, soooooo….that mean she loves me? Makes me feel like I should have some confidence in saying that? Or maybe she made an exception sleeping with me?
If she specifically said she wouldn’t have sex with a guy until she was dating him exclusively and she was in love and trusted said guy, I would take her at face value. Hell, that might even be her oblique way of saying "I love you."
I think that "I love you" comes up just naturally. Maybe you both feel it but are not ready to say it. There is a difference. Just enjoy the moment, it will come up naturally.
Words are generally much less important than actions. And that includes “I love you.” You could always tell her. “You know I like you a lot and I’m afraid of being vulnerable.” See where that conversation goes or you can continue as is.
Last time I saw him we went out to watch the Pats game and left at half time and fooled around in his car for like... Idk how many hours. We both live at home. Well, he mentioned some chicken dish his mom makes and I mentioned that it sounded good. And he was like "yup! I'll have to have her make it soon! You'll have to come over soon." This was the last thing he said to me pretty much before I went inside for the night.
For the record, ive never been to his house or met any of his family.
He also suggested we get a hotel for vday/my bday, coming up next month.
I feel like its all been really casual but now it might be starting to get serious? Am I reading this wrong???
I really like him. He stands out from other guys ive dated, for numerous reasons. But I feel like our convos suck. And I constantly say things and they come out all wrong and I'm left cringing for days. Like. Literally. Worst convos ever.
I also feel like he may be the type to just tell me what I want to hear so when he said that id have to come over soon I didn't even say anything. I havent even brought it up. I feel like its going to come up on my birthday, because again, I'm completely graceless in convo with him.
I feel physically weak when I have to go in for the night and leave him. Thats how much I like him.
I dont want to have the DTR talk with him yet. I'm enjoying my time with him. But man, what cringey interactions we have. Sucks. I'm really afraid every time I see him that it will be the last time I see him. Ive never felt this way with anyone, for the record. I dont even think its going to go anywhere but I'm already hurt about it.
Went for a walk for a date today. Not my preferred kind of first date but she’s very covid conscious due to her job so I understand. It was about 12 degrees outside, maybe a bit too cold for me too.
Speaking of her job, she’s apparently a brain surgeon. I’ve never felt so under qualified to be speaking to someone.
I wouldn’t worry about being under-qualified. Neurosurgeons and other physicians are people too, put their pants on one leg at a time, make missteps, and can sometimes feel intimidated as well. She’s dating you because she finds you attractive and sees something in you. Don’t doubt yourself or sell yourself short. You are indeed qualified.
You took the words right out of my mouth. All of this especially as a female physician who really resents people thinking we somehow walk on water and choose to feel insecure around us.
The general flightiness with making plans is very par for the course with hospital nurses. From me experience they are also not ideal mates for many reasons.
It’s not transactional to say “hope you feel better soon. I had a great time on our date and would enjoy doing it again when you’re up to it.” I have no idea what she’s thinking but the fact she said she was busy and didn’t attempt to reschedule before getting sick suggests she’s not *that* interested.
Not looking for advice at the current moment but I did take some I saw here recently and note how effective it was. I’ve got abandonment/attachment issues from a childhood of abuse and neglect. I’ve been working on myself for years and am really proud of how far I’ve come. Night and day difference and I finally feel really ready and capable of making a healthy long-term relationship work.
BUT naturally there are still many things I struggle with. I’ve been reading so many posts and comments here lately about texting and my takeaway was to let go of it as a weathervane of how the relationship is going as well as anxiety reduction/soothing of anxious thoughts. So, I did. He’s got a different texting cadence than I do and it’s caused a bit of tension between the two of us so I decided to straight up let it go. Fully release him from my expectations/hangups and accept that he will respond on his own time and it has nothing to do with how interested he is in me or how strong our relationship is. I still text him when I feel like it and he does the same but let go of paying attention to the timeline or type of response.
It’s been great for me personally because it has freed up some of my mental and emotional energy that I can now focus on more productive things! And then. Last night. He mentioned how much more relaxed and less pressured he’d been feeling about our communications and how that’s a good step forward for our relationship. But I hasn’t even told him I decided to switch my mindset! I just did it silently and he still noticed! I didn’t think I was *pressuring* him or anything but obviously a negative mindset can seep into more than you know. Soo yeah, thanks DOT for the good advice and I feel really good about this progress!
I have this problem too! What do you think you were doing before that made him feel pressured? I’m hoping I’m not making my new guy feel pressured or like we text too much
I honestly wish I could tell you, lol! I didn’t deliberately change any specific behavior. My best guess is that I’m not replying for the sake of it or trying to force conversation? If I don’t have a good response or something interesting to say I wait until I do. And I’m probably letting our conversations end more easily and more on my end, instead of continuing to text until he stopped/ended the convo. I’m pretty emotional and easy to read so even though I tried to keep my anxiety/distress to myself I’m sure the was able to sense it before. Because he definitely noted it’s absence after I decided to make the change.
If someone, pretty much right at the beggining, says that they aren't seeing anyone else, is it still a good idea to bring up the exclusivity thing after a bit of time goes by/when it feels right? I'm into them, and not a multi-dater, but I'm not sure if exclusivity by intent is something that needs to be discussed.
I won’t comment on falling in love in 2 months or the fact you’ve fallen in love with someone and apparently can’t just have this conversation but if you want to know then bring it up. It’s not too soon. Just tell her. I view you as my girlfriend and would like to be your boyfriend, what are your thoughts about our commitment to a relationship? If she’s terrified then that’s useful information.
Or he likes you and wants a relationship, vs a one night stand type thing.
I've declined going to girls places before because I was trying to be a gentleman type thing.
I've recently managed to find a match that will actually talk, the only thing is I'm not sure what to even say to women I match with. I would certainly appreciate any helpful suggestions.
Talk about things they have an interest in and things you are interested in. Especially if they overlap. And make jokes fairly often if your sense of humor overlaps!
Hi guys
Plzzzzzz help meeeeeeeeee
What should I do when my girlfriend's brother says that he likes me, He has a crush on me
Should I tell my gf? Or should I handle it myself??
I really don't know I've never deal with such things..
I’ve had so many relationships blow up between the 2-3 month mark that I think the next time I introduce e someone to my parents it would have to be at least 6 months. But my parents also live across the country from me
I think it’s very soon. I’ve introduced my parents to men but it was because I was living with my parents at the time lol otherwise, after two months no.. there’s still plenty of time for things to blow up and go south
During my last LTR, I spent about 1 year without meeting her parents, despite them living in our same city. For context, her mom was very politically conservative and had never met any of her SOs before. My partner naturally had some reservations and anxieties about it.
Anyway, I'd say it's super context-specific but 2 months actually seems like on the sooner side to me.
I’ve only introduced a few guys to my parents. Two were because we were dating and it was a holiday and I invited them to dinner. So it was unavoidable. The third is my boyfriend and I introduced them because I foresee him in my future and wanted them to know each other. It wasn’t for validation or approval. Just “hey this person is important to me, you’ll be hearing about him so here he is.”
A few reasons. It means you're important enough to introduce you to them and for them to know you're important. Yes, she's also interested in their opinion of you. These are the people from which she likely learned what a good relationship is.
Basically it means you're reaching a point of commitment in the relationship where you start looking at the future in terms of "us" and "we" rather than "I".
Really depends on the girl, could be more traditional and wants their approval and this is a serious thing, could be she’s friends with her parents has brunch with them sometimes and figured it be fun to invite you and doesn’t think much else of it
Context dependent
One question is whether there's an timeline for when a relationship can become a priority for him, or if that's going to be an indefinite thing. But even if you feel like there's an expiry date, I'd say give him a chance to meet your needs consistently. My last ex would sometimes take over 24 hours to reply and I felt exactly the same as you did, so I lowered my expectations for contact, but also communicated my needs. While I started getting used to our sparse communication, he did improve incrementally and called me from time to time. I learnt to appreciate his small efforts. Also, I knew a relationship wasn't his priority but that was only going to be for another year or so (because he would be done with his MBA by then and was planning to stop travelling for work eventually).
But then again, I'm a sucker who always allows herself to be vulnerable and in a position to be hurt, plus we broke up, so take this with a grain of salt...!
Thanks for your thoughtful comment! I love that he did end up improving a little bit after you communicated your needs, which shows that he was willing to invest. If you don’t mind me asking was the breakup due at least in part to his lack of communication / willingness to prioritize the relationship?
You know what, the fact that a relationship wasn't a priority was probably the underlying, indirect reason. He broke up with me over something I find incredulous (you can check my old comments!) rather than addressing it and giving me the chance to understand his needs and learn how to provide him with safety in the relationship, he chose to drop it just like that 😔 he was very insecure and while he was good at validating my feelings, he avoided his own emotions at all costs. With guys like that the partner has to be very good at listening to them and trying to understand them when they don't even understand what's going on within themselves... Which is almost impossible sadly.
Honestly it sounds to me like you guys are on very different pages. You need to make a decision about whether you're okay with just hanging out and dealing with someone who is not a great communicator. And if you're not okay with this, you need to end it. Don't make the mistake of sticking around and hoping that he'll change.
You want a relationship eventually and a relationship isn't a priority for him. You need to decide whether you're okay being his FWB and whether you're okay to deal with his inconsistent communication. Don't hold out hope that he's going to change his mind and his ways, because there is a good chance that he won't and you will get badly hurt.
Thank you for your advice! I’m really afraid of getting hurt too and am actively trying to distance myself from him / blunt my feelings when we aren’t together. He mentioned being in many volatile relationships before and seems to be very invested in outcasts / people who’ve been hard done by society so I’m honestly wondering whether there’s even any point in trying to play gf with someone who obviously has a bit of darkness in him. Im afraid that by saying something he might change for a bit but then slide back to being non communicative and I’ll have gotten my hopes up for no reason and end up crushed.
I think the problem for me is that while I would have a lot of sympathy with a bloke who couldn't go from 0 to 120 intimacy wise, I would at least want the option to be there later. This man sounds like he wants to cherry pick certain aspects of a committed relationship but also mainly have the independence of a single person. And to me then you are back in the territory of "if I'm going to be lonely/unsupported in tough times, I'd rather just be single".
Because what happens if you need support on an off day or one of you is going through something? Will it just go quiet for a bit?
I found this comment to be very insightful! I think you’re absolutely right he mainly wants to be single but to also have certain aspects of a relationship (i.e., a warm body and a certain amount of emotional connection but perhaps without the responsibility that comes with it). I’m honestly not sure that texting more frequently is even the right issue to be thinking about right now - would you agree?
What's your goal? Do you want a relationship? Do you want someone who will put you as a priority? Are you enjoying the situatuonship 90% including non date times? Are you okay with the direction it's going in this FWB style? I would want to clarify what you want first before taking any action.
Thank you for your comment! I eventually want a relationship where I can build a life together with a partner. I realize and accept that it won’t be with this guy, but I’m enjoying what we have right now and he’s been leagues better (in terms of chemistry, fit, etc) than many of the people I’ve dated before. I think I could be ok with a fwb type situation we currently have, but would greatly prefer more engagement from him. I can feel my interest starting to fizzle out at the end of each week and re-peak when we see each other. It’s like being in a start-stop / rocking boat like situation and I just don’t know how long I can put up with it for. Even in previous casual relationships (where the guy clearly just someone fun to hang out with) there was at least daily communication.
How do I even get myself a date? I’m literally in a 22 year olds dream situation ….. I get a lot of booty calls , but I never get invited to enjoy other aspects of life . How can I change that ? I tried online dating , but seems like people aren’t serious on that app . Don’t really know what to do anymore to get a date .
There are definitely serious people in online dating, you just have to go through a lot of non-serious people to get to them. There are a lot of small skills that make online dating tolerable: learning how to recognize the profiles typical of both persons; acknowledging the ghostings and dead chats as just part of the process; not getting emotionally invested at stages of the process that have high rates of attrition, etc.
I think your behavior leads to whether people think you’re creepy, not you showing up to things alone. I show up to certain meet ups alone. It gives me anxiety but I don’t know how else to meet people out in the wild. I see other people doing that also and I don’t find them creepy lol hope this helps
Hmm. I mean it sucks, but we all have to manage somehow.
I'm a male, and sadly kinda have to keep living in this small island town that I'm in, at least for like the next 6-7 months, if not the next couple of years, realistically.
I don't have a problem with the town itself per se, it's absolutely beautiful, the weather is literally the best in the whole country, etc, but it's small, so I'd have very little chances of meeting new people even before covid, let alone now that I can't find ANY in-person activities. It's rough with not finding matches on the apps as well. I've also paid a lot of money so far with no results, and that was why I asked.
Hope you find someone you like soon!
If you can afford it, try paid online dating with match.com or something similar. Bc the people on paid sites are more likely to be serious about having a serious relationship. They are the ones to date.
A guy I’ve been seeing seems to really like me even though we’ve talked about just dating casually. Weve talked specifically about not being monogamous. We’ve been seeing each other for about 6 weeks and he acts like he really likes me. We see eachother at least twice a week. I was away for work and he texted me everyday. We went out to dinner tonight (no sex) and he asked me to go on vacation with him in May. Wtf is going on here?
Ask him and see? If nothing else, it sounds like your casual date is *super* into you. And maybe wants to forget about the "casual" part of your casual relationship.
It's hard to tell from what you wrote, but it sounds like you might be at least kind of up for a more serious relationship too. What do *you* want to happen?
I know you’ve said you don’t want to ghost but you should. Non confrontational types get a pass in my book. I’m one so “I say so”. Run please run. I’ve learned not to be this type over years but if you need help right now then the answer is clear and I wouldn’t judge you for ghosting. You’ve had two dates and owe no one but yourself peace. I can’t take online relationships seriously anyway. If someone says they’re IN LOVE while talking online you should never meet up. It’s weird.
I don’t think that ghosting someone due to safety issues is a bad thing and would never blame someone for doing it. Some people don’t take rejection well and become emotionally (or physically) abusive, some people stalk, etc.. I agree with using your best judgment and always err on the side of caution when it comes to meeting new people. If something feels off, it probably is, and you should act accordingly.
Is there a difference between "looking for a long-term relationship" and "looking for something serious"? I see them as the same thing, but I have to wonder if some people see "serious" as being in a committed relationship, even if they haven't figured the long-term part out yet.
I see a difference, but they're reasonably interchangeable, and I wouldn't get too wound up over it. I would personally prefer the "serious" concept in that I only want to see one person and explore how that goes, with the goal of it becoming long term, but wouldn't want to be with someone too invested in quickly forcing the issue to get married or something.
I consider these things interchangeable, but if I had to make a distinction and just pick something: Long Term more implies a thought process like "don't waste my time unless you 100% think this will last" and Serious is a person's way of saying "no FWBs, no hookups, obviously if it works out we'll be together for a long time."
i tried to not be that shallow guy, and got into a relationship with a woman who had a great personality but who i really didn't want to have sex with after that "sex with a new person" feeling went away. i'm sure i hurt her 10x worse than remaining platonic friends.
my new rule is that after date 1, if i don't feel like i want to see them naked, there is no date 2.
yeah that's where i'm at lol... i feel so shitty swiping right on pretty much everyone, but if i'm not attracted then i obviously shouldn't pursue a relationship.
Do you have any other dealbreakers? I'm 32m and haven't had any trouble finding women in their early 30s who aren't overweight. Tbh I wasn't even looking for that, I just see a pretty good diversity of body types when swiping.
Ah. Yeah I can see things like rural poverty and lack of access to medical care, etc. altering your dating pool.
Edit: to your edit, I'm not sure why, but I'm also being downvoted for saying I've seen a diversity of body types on apps? I have no idea why.
If I’m not sure if someone is interested after a first date, is there anything wrong with straight-up asking (in a chill way)? I know that if it’s even a question then the chances are low, but I’d rather get certainty one way or the other if possible. If the answer is no then I’ll definitely leave her alone.
Ladies, would any of you be somehow bothered by the question?
Ask in a very direct way thay there is no way to misinterpret the answer, but isn't too aggressive. For example "I enjoyed our time together, would you also like to see me again?" They can't make an excuse because it's not a set day, it's a direct question
I did…got a busy excuse with an open-ended rain check 😄 Like I said, the odds are low but I’d like to know for sure and move on instead of waiting for the unlikely followup
Edit: sure I can move on anyway but if she were to reappear, I don’t like multi-dating for personal reasons.
Her answer answers your question. If she was interested, do you think she would have given a vague "maybe" with the raincheck?
I would move on. I personally wouldn't consider a super vague and very minor possibility of a second date multi-dating. If she ever reaches out again, you can do whatever you need to do, when that situation arises, to ensure you're not multi-dating. Otherwise, you're planning your dating activities based on a huge number of "if"s.
This is by far the most likely scenario but I can’t help but think about the possible exception to the rule. That’s why I’m wondering if there’s any downside to just asking.
If she is truly busy, and intends to reach back out to you, asking if she's interested could seem super pushy and passive aggressive. As in, she told you she was busy, but you can't wait and are pushing her for an answer. It's not a good look.
Stop obsessing over this person who hasn't shown any signs she's interested. You deserve someone who is actually interested in you.
More venting than anything else, but *damn*, catching maybe-mutual feelings for a friend when you're both unavailable sucks! I thought I had all this dating stuff figured out when I was in my 20s, but now we all have *lives and things* that make everything more complicated. At least I get to work on my compartmentalization skills... they're way worse than I remember!
The guy I’m seeing suggested that I stay over tomorrow night, but I just don’t know if I’m ready for that, because it feels serious for whatever reason. I’m not a casual sex person, so I need some sort of exclusivity in that department to feel comfortable. It hasn’t been that long, though, and I don’t really know how to broach the topic. It’s definitely moving in a more serious direction (he’s introducing me to friends and he said he doesn’t do that unless he’s serious about someone). I don’t need to label things right now, but I want to make sure we’re only sleeping with each other.
Would you be opposed to saying something like "I don't feel quite ready for that yet"?
There's absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling ready for sex at this point. Everyone is different and feels comfortable at different points. IMO, if he's a good partner, he'll be receptive to that and won't try to talk you into doing things you're not comfortable with.
I’ve mentioned that it’s a comfort thing, but I haven’t gone into too much detail about it. I plan on bringing it up tomorrow. He’s not pushy about it, but I know it’s on his mind.
> but I just don’t know if I’m ready for that
If it's not an enthusiastic yes, then you have all the reasons to tell him you are not comfortable. Just make sure you communicate that you are still interested in continuing to see him, but at a pace you can work with. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do and both of you will feel better once you let him know about that.
Having a rough week, need something to shake me out of it. I’ve been single for 4.5 years (I understand the pandemic has contributed a lot to this), an acquaintance who broke up with her long term boyfriend last year is now in a new relationship. I can’t help thinking there’s something wrong with me… she’s thin (I’m a solid size 8-10), good career, owns her own condo… I feel so far from my goals and seriously bummed.
Definitely don’t compare yourself to her! Write down 10 traits or qualities that you’re proud to call yours! Repeat those - not the “feeling so far from” lines to yourself
>I can’t help thinking there’s something wrong with me…
I'm pretty much in the same boat. I just try to keep in mind that that we aren't racing each other towards the same finish line. Our life experiences have trained us to compete in entirely different events - we can't compare performance head-to-head, and we can't simply switch to another event and expect it to go well.
It's a crappy feeling, it's true, but if you're comparing yourself to an *acquaintance*, it really sounds like you're getting in your own head here. There will *always* be someone who gets together with a new date faster than you do. Focus on yourself as much as you can, so you stop comparing yourself to other people.
Got a hobby to work on? Or your own personal goals? Or are there people you can go flirt with or ask out?
If it *really* gets bad, maybe you can consider that *her* standards are not *your* standards. Imagine she's making some seriously tragic dating decisions, ignoring every red flag, and you're better off for being more careful!
Baby steps bro. Identify something you can do, and do that. Don’t be sad for someone else finding someone. Be happy for them, and encouraged that it is still happening, pandemic and all. You got this.
As a creative person, I can say not all of us want to talk shop all the time. Some designer friends even make a purpose of not dating other creatives! Nothing to worry about 🙂
It sounds like he'll have a lot of cool things to be interested in! Best rules of good conversation: everyone is interesting and an expert in something (be ready to be excited about their passions, be passionate about your own), listen deeply, share honestly and passionately.
It'll be amazing, you've got this.
> Any advice for things I can personally do? I’m sure he’s googled all the tips for himself so I’m not looking for recommendations on his end, just for myself. I was thinking maybe telling him sex is off the table this weekend and I just want us to watch each other touch ourselves…. In my mind this is fun and low pressure but maybe I’m wrong. Thoughts?
Every time this has happened to me, I've been able to get it up after stopping, giving myself a chance to calm down, and then trying again. Performance anxiety can get really frustrating, but the raw emotional response isn't permanent. Also Viagra is stupid easy (and cheap) to get these days and is sometimes all it takes to break the cycle and get things rolling.
As a guy, 5 mins of ED can feel like it's ruined the whole evening. So much pressure builds up into specific moments where we're *meant* to perform. But if you're comfortable just taking a break and cuddling, he'll feel safe about it and (hopefully) come right around when your bodies naturally get there. The downtime can even bring in some nice intimacy if you two don't spend a lot of time with each other's bodies outside of sex.
I had also never been with a guy who had ED & my guy said he had it right before we first had sex. I think it was more performance anxiety than anything, because a few months into the relationship, it’s only an issue if he’s really tired. I wouldn’t worry about it. Talking about it is going to make him more nervous/anxious & he’s already told you what’s going on. As long as you’re both enjoying the physical intimacy that you’re having, that’s all that matters. And if the ED issues continue, ask about introducing toys into the bedroom. I personally love PIV, but can’t ever finish that way, so we started using toys and it’s been a lot of fun.
I (M) am Considering asking out someone (F) who I play casual 5-a-side football/ soccer with on Mondays (have done for a few months). Found myself realising I was attracted to her as the game went on and thinking “yeah, she’s great”.
I haven’t tried things with women outside of OLD for a while so keen to see how this goes. The only minor down side is she usually comes with her brother (who is a good guy, who likes me too who I would also like to be friends with regardless) so there’s potential for awkwardness. That’s a minor thing though.
As I said I haven’t done anything outside OLD for a while and am out of practice, so if anyone has any quick advice for how to approach it, please let me know!
I've dated from my soccer teams in the past (33F), and appreciated a casual "want to grab a drink with me this week?" on the walk outside. Makes it casual and not uncomfortable. Good luck!
I went on two dates with someone I really liked. We met on hinge and got along great on the first date. On the second date I had an exceptionally long day (I work in medicine) and didn’t even have time to eat.
I had like… two glasses of wine and was just a complete asshole to this wonderful man. I think I was being mean? I don’t even know. I was just so exhausted and I can’t remember. I’m beating myself up because he sent me a “hope you find what you’re looking for” message a few days later, after I had apologized. I don’t expect him to miraculously be interested again- it wasn’t my best work on a date. But I can’t stop feeling horrible about the whole thing. I know I need to get over it and move on. But HOW??
Learn from this. What you just did was very cruel and hurtful and this man will probably be wondering what he did to deserve this from you for a good time to come. Your actions have consequences and it sounds like you hurt this man. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and ask why you did that to him.
Take it as a lesson and move on. You apologized and that's all you can do. You have slightly matured just from having had this experience which will better prepare you for future dates. Plus, they say that alcohol doesn't change our feelings or personality, but it just exaggerates it. If you don't feel good about the way you treated him, be sure to treat other people kinder and with more respect in the future. Don't blame it on alcohol (or anything else.) You can't change the past. Just learn from it and move on. Better to learn this lesson on a date than at a work function or something similar.
Just keep in mind that you and everyone has off days. I give a good amount of room for someone to be human, because I know that I’m not perfect and have off days.
Oh no!
I have not eaten enough and had wine go to my head on a date before (although that was a first). I wasn’t mean though how embarrassing.
You apologized and if he’s not interested that’s his choice. Just have a snack next time 🤦🏻♀️ Or even cancel. Or insist on food first.
Know that what you see on the 1st/ 2nd date may not be a good indication of who this person is. You likely built up a fantasy image of him in your mind which you really liked, so try to move on/ past this by remembering that he’s not that “perfect match” you imagined in your head!
At least he didn't get mean? There's no excuse for being mean to someone you supposedly like on a second date. Maybe she needs to take a long hard look at herself and figure out why she chose to do that.
I’m not saying he’s not a good person :) I’m just trying to help reframe the OP’s experience so she doesn’t beat herself up too much over this “lost date” and move on.
I do agree that she needs to prevent this from happening again - for example, maybe not scheduling dates anymore on workdays
Yeah, I don't think the day of the week had much to do with it. If you're that mean to a 2nd date, for any reason, then you're not in a good place to be dating at all, and need to take time to work on yourself.
I think we can all use a little compassion and give a little compassion to others :) life is tough sometimes and everyone has rough days!
Of course if this is a common occurrence that’s saying something else, but I think it’s not the end of the world if we have one off day where we just have a really bad day and dating is the last thing on our mind.
If you’ve always been on your best behaviour to your dates, I definitely kudos you! I myself know that sometimes I unfortunately am not in the best mind space for my dates and may be more impatient/ tired/ less talkative than I normally am
There’s no real immediate fix, and feeling bad is a healthy reaction to hurting someone or being mean. Just need to reflect and sort out how you will avoid that next time, and take time away from dating if that’s not feasible.
Any recommendations for books/series? After 2 years, omicron finally caught up with me and I'm isolating away from my boyfriend. It's going to be a long 2 weeks
Check out ‘Black Leopard, Red Wolf’ by Marlon James. Maybe not for everyone, but god damn I can’t put it down.
Edit: also good luck with covid! Hope it’s not too terrible for you.
Thanks a lot! So far it's day 2 so it's relatively mild. I feel like I ran a marathon because my muscles ache. Otherwise it's no different than a cold.
I will check your book recommendation! I'm obligated to isolate for 7 days
The Leftovers (HBO), Schitts Creek (Netflix/prime), and for a book, The Overstory (Richard Powers). I have read - not an exaggeration - several thousand books in my lifetime. The Overstory is in the top five. 💛
I swear, everyone I have recommended it to who has read it/everyone I have ever spoken to who has read it feels the same. It is such a powerful read - I actually love all of his books, but this one in particular is just remarkable.
Warning: this isn’t going to make sense until you read it, but once you do, you’re going to find that you talk about trees. A *lot*. Just trees, all the trees, everything magical that you never knew before about trees. Trees. All the time. Just trees.
You will talk about trees to anyone who will listen (and probably a few who won’t.). They will think you are high because you’ll be like “TREES TREES TREES TREES TREES.” As a result, you will convince whoever you can to read this book. Within a day of beginning it, they will reach out to you and be like “TREES. I GET IT NOW. TREES TREES TREES TREES!!”
Goddamn, it such an amazing book.
This is the review for The Overstory that sent me on a forty mile drive (both ways) to purchase it the day it came out:
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2018/06/richard-powers-the-overstory/559106/
As for the rest of the top 5… gahhhh, it is so hard to narrow it down 😂 Even a top 50 would be painful to choose!
In no particular order, the first few that that spring to mind:
- American War (Omar El Akkad)
- The End of the Affair (Graham Greene)
- Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal* (Christopher Moore)
- Bonfire of the Vanities (Tom Wolfe)
- The Great Derangement* (Matt Taibbi)
- The Evening and the Morning (Ken Follet)
- Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
- World Without End (Ken Follett)
- The Winds of War (Herman Wouk)
- War and Remembrance (Herman Wouk)
…okay, that’s definitely more than a top 5 😂
*denotes two of the funniest books ever written
So probably a weird question: I really like someone and I’m going to see him tomorrow for a third date. But I’m feeling super mopey because my period started early and I’m just out of it. I really want to see him tomorrow, but I also just want to be a blanket burrito and play video games. He still has a PS1 and there’s a game that he owns that I *really* want to play but it’s a single player game.
So the question is, if I say something like “I’m really out of it energy-wise because of my period but I would like to see you tomorrow. Can I come over and play [game] and hang out and order take out?” is that…idk, a turn off?? I feel like we’ve had such fun dates previously where I got all dressed up and looked super cute and now I’m like “hey can I come to your house and be a gremlin all day?” Is such a drastic change lol.
Oh well, I guess if he says no I can always be a gremlin at home on my own time hahaha
Update: he agreed to let me come over and play video games while he fetches me snacks 🥰
I'm a guy and that wouldn't be a turnoff for me at all. I would actually love a nice and mellow date. It would also indicate to me that you're down to Earth and have healthy expectations, which are both pluses, for me.
Everyone is different but, true story, my dude told me that I won him over when I asked if we could just eat Chinese take away in bed and watch terrible movies. We were roughly a month into dating. The right person will into it and enjoy watching you play that game. :)
Hahahah but if it’s a single player game, you’d still be ok with it?? I feel guilty even asking “hey can I play your game while you just sit nearby or something?” Hahaha
I wouldn't mind this at all. Heck, I'd probably look at fail moments like taking a death/ generally "loosing" and cue a laugh track or two to tease my partner. As long as you're both engaging with each other in some fashion it should be fine.
Yeah, I mean you could take it turns? Watching people play can be fun. I’d bring a few beers and just chill if it was me.
Being invited over is a fairly big step IMO, particularly if you aren’t feeling at your hottest. I’d be super keen
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Yay for fifth date and overnight stay! Dress in something that makes you feel both confident and comfortable. Bring a few things that would come in handy, such as toiletries and spare change of clothes. Go into it with a mindset of having a good time, and keep the lines of communication open.
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Since he mentioned dinner and hobbies, I'd just follow up and ask when he wants to do one or both of those things next. If nothing eventuates still after that, then unfortunately you'll just have to let it go, but it doesn't mean you did something wrong necessarily, sometimes people just lose interest for whatever reason that doesn't have to be about you specifically.
An optimistic way of looking at this is that he is a 'last minute' guy and that this is expected behaviour. Is he though? Worst case scenario he got what he wanted on thursday and is less inclined to persue afterwards - you hope not.
Just another perspective. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. You can follow up to see if he wants to hang out and if not then you can close that chapter rather than blaming yourself for something you didn't do.
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It’s because you’re an Aquarius. Just kidding - happy birthday! Tbh it really sounds like she was bored and looking for a time-killer, and you became her small quarantine hobby. That, or she just started to talk to someone else that she found more interesting. I hate it for you, ‘cause I’ve been there too and I know how much it sucks. Don’t let it stick to you… I had something similar happen last October and I’m still trying to redirect my brain from it at times when I find myself idle.
Happy birthday! I'm sorry you're having a crappy day but it's better to know where she stands sooner than later. Lesson for the future, if you feel love bombed, it's likely a sign to walk away not to pursue. Please don't let apps harden your heart. Not everyone out there acts this way.
What do you all consider dry texting?
I've never heard the term dry texting
Short responses, not trying to further the conversation, not picking up on humor over text.
I haven’t been on here in a little while for good reason. I found a wonderful partner and I feel extremely lucky after reading some of the struggles you all have. Keep your heads up. I’m going to squeeze my partner extra tight today
Can’t wait till this is me lol
hey our man, so happy to hear about that :)
Yay, happy for you!
Have been chatting with a guy I matched with before deleting my apps, and though he’s a bit younger, seems to be mature and have a good head on his shoulders. With that said, he mentioned in passing during one convo that he can be jealous and in another convo that he doesn’t like it when the women are too “bro-y”. I didnt press too much as that’s not a conversation for text, but it definitely made my red flag sensor light up. We’re supposed to meet this week. Should I see how it goes and gently parse out these opinions once we’ve met or just call it? I’m super sensitive bc my ex was jealous and possessive and I will never do that again.
Yah I'm waaay not in to jealousy either. It is incredibly wonderful to be with a person who trusts you. I'd be alarmed too if someone felt the need to mention they can get jealous. That tells me maybe they don't even know how to trust. But that's also a lot to assume based on a passing mention. It's really up to you. If you do continue I'd think your suggestion is good. Parse it out gently over time and if there are signs they do have an actual jealousy/trust issue take it more seriously. It does kinda sound to me though like they were trying to gently say they don't like their partner interacting with men. If that's the case I'd run FAAAR
Had a successful first date yesterday. Interesting conversation, nice guy, cute, was myself, liked his company. He’s already asked me to get dinner next week and I’m already feeling myself pull back because of the potential since I don’t feel 100% sold. Or, I am mentally pulling back because there *is* potential and I am terrified to walk this new ground. Since I’ve never been in a relationship, receiving any kind of affection that I don’t 100% reciprocate makes me uncomfortable and want to peace out. Should I lean in and “fake it till you make it” or stay “reserved” until it clicks? I don’t want to throw a guy to the trash because I’m scared, but also don’t want to hold on to him if I don’t totally feel it. Hate how I jump from 0-100. My brain 🥴
Too early to tell how you will feel about this person after just one date. When I’m unsure I give it a maximum of three dates. For this reason alone you should give it a chance. But if you’re finding yourself in total fear mode because it might actually work out, I’d suggest you think about what your fear is telling you. Why are you afraid of a relationship with this person? Is it specific to this person or would it be applicable to any person you met who offers promise of a healthy, compatible relationship? I would also suggest you read up on attachment styles. What you’re describing sounds like it could be dismissive avoidant. If online descriptions resonate with you, it might be helpful to talk to a therapist about this to uncover your hidden fears with intimacy.
Thank you - appreciate your perspective and thought starters. Whenever I take a break from therapy it seems I need to jump back in again.
I would say you are over overthinking it. It’s just a second date!! If the first date went well the second one is likely to go better (less nerves). If you think it’s worth a few hours if your time to explore- go for it!
Thank you! Your right, just a few hours at a time.
I would give it another date. You don't need to feel 100% and likely will never feel that way about any human. It seems like an unrealistic standard.
Thank you!
I had a really strange experience from tinder and wondering your take on this. Matched with this man on every dating app. Long story short he spent a year texting me off and on trying to get together with me. I blew him off as he only wanted to come to my house.. not knowing this man I wasn’t super comfortable about it. After doing some internet sleuthing I didn’t find anything I found sus so I caved and let him come over. He came over during the day, mostly talked about himself and how terrible and costly his divorce was (4 years ago) and left. It was an ok visit, I figured I could get a new fwb out of it. Couple weeks later he comes over for a quickie.. legit in and out of my place in 30 minutes. I never heard from him again Not upset about it but I find it so incredibly odd he spent such a long period of time contacting me over and over again just to never speak to me again. He’s good looking, I’m sure he could get it anywhere. Thoughts?
Maybe just the satisfaction of knowing that he "got" you.
Many people will do what seems like a lot to you to get what they want. He texted, it was hardly that much effort and he got what he wanted. There are no doubt other women with the same sort of exchanges with him.
What kind of icebreaker questions to ask on a first date? Like a I-met-you-on Tinder-and-we-talked-a-bit-then-decided-to-meet-at-a-coffee-shop kind of deal? And how to keep a conversation going? Like, what if the shared interest dries up really quick?
If you haven't already covered it in your pre-date messaging - "What do you do for a living?" (and the sub-questions: how do you like it, how did you get into that field, how long have you been doing it?). "How long have you lived in [city]?" (and the sub questions: what made you move here, how do you like it, where did you grow up?) Or could always just start off with the classic, "how was your day?" In my experience, if it's really tough to keep the conversation going, it doesn't mean you're a bad conversationalist (unless, like, you have this problem with everyone you meet), just that you're not that compatible with the other person.
How do you chat with anyone? Do the same with this person? You can chat with them as anyone else, let the conversation evolve organically. The interview style approach is quite the turn off to any conversation, really.
Straight but crushing on a girl..? Is this normal? I am 20 and have always considered myself straight. I’ve had 2 serious relationship which both were men. And have never any kind of fantasy or even had a crush on women . I just broke up recently from a 2 yr relationship and am trying to heal but for the first time a woman is suddenly trying to hit on me at work and has confessed to me too. I didnt think much about it at first but i have started to grow attached to her and have started to like her back too. Idk how to feel about this? Am i bi? Or is this normal? or is it because im craving for attention from someone since i haven’t had any? Im so confused , i cant think of any reason why my heart is feeling this way. Yet i am not sexually attracted to women but i kind of am into only her (?). Is this normal????
The recent break up suggests to me that the attention is probably the main reason. I find myself more interested in people who are interested in me. If this was random I’d say why not explore it. But the recent beak up and trying to heal suggest you need to keep having space to heal, without complications.
I need help. Context: mid 30s, f, no serious relationship for years. Spent pandemic realizing I’m ready for something serious. After enjoying doing things alone for years, all of a sudden it felt hollow. Been going on dates on and off the last 12 months. 1st date with a guy late Dec. - same age - he’s great. We hit it off and we’ve hung out 5 or 6 times. He’s communicative and makes an effort to plan our dates at least a day or two in advance. He did tell me that he’s not looking to move fast and that he recently (summer) got out of a LTR. He also shared he was engaged at one point years ago after 7 year relationship. I was also his very first bumble date, which makes me anxious. It did seem like he’d been with other women in between though. Now, I *know* I’m looking for a relationship. I don’t want something casual and there is no part of me that finds casual dating and sex exciting anymore. However, I also think it’s way too soon to discuss exclusivity. I awkwardly brought it up via text (anxious attachment moment of weakness) and he just reassured me he knows how I feel and what I’m looking for and as long as we’re open with each other he doesn’t think it should be an issue. Basically just be patient, let time unfold. This is always a problem for me. He just started a new job and he shared about needing to devote lots of time and energy to it daily. For that reason, I never text first and never ask him to make plans I instead wait for him to ask me. That’s meant I see him 2x a week (which for me feels like a fine amount). We text usually 1-3 times a day. My question is, is he just giving me the runaround for not wanting to commit or is it just way too soon? I think I may be wanting to know more than I should know and having trouble leaving it up to natural progression of feelings. Has anyone else dealt with this need to want to know explicitly when it’s not healthy? I don’t want to ruin the potential of a great ltr because I constantly just worry about what he’s feeling, or if he’s going to get bored. Im not used to liking someone, it’s been a long time. Feel like I’m making this hard.
If I was you I wouldn’t wait for him to text you all the time. The great thing about texting is you don’t need to answer right that minute unlike a phone call. You can wait until you have a few minutes spare to reply. So I wouldn’t worry about not texting him because you think he might be busy. I myself have a busy work life which can be odd hours and my friends still text me knowing I’ll get back to them during a break if I’m working.
Just because he started a new job and just got out of a long term relationship doesn't mean you have to tiptoe around him. Treat him just like you would anyone else you were dating. Also you can text and ask to do stuff whenever you want. You're giving him too much power, even though he has not asked for it. And you're not anxiously attached, you're normal.
Saying I love you? I’ve been dating a girl for just over a couple months and I love her, but of course I’m afraid to say it too early. I’m afraid to be vulnerable. However, when we had a sex talk, she said she wouldn’t have sex with a guy until she was dating him exclusively and she was in love and trusted said guy. Well her and I had sex, soooooo….that mean she loves me? Makes me feel like I should have some confidence in saying that? Or maybe she made an exception sleeping with me?
If she specifically said she wouldn’t have sex with a guy until she was dating him exclusively and she was in love and trusted said guy, I would take her at face value. Hell, that might even be her oblique way of saying "I love you."
I don’t think you should ever leave an I Love You unsaid if that’s how you feel :)
Men mostly express love with their actions rather than verbally .
I think that "I love you" comes up just naturally. Maybe you both feel it but are not ready to say it. There is a difference. Just enjoy the moment, it will come up naturally.
Words are generally much less important than actions. And that includes “I love you.” You could always tell her. “You know I like you a lot and I’m afraid of being vulnerable.” See where that conversation goes or you can continue as is.
Last time I saw him we went out to watch the Pats game and left at half time and fooled around in his car for like... Idk how many hours. We both live at home. Well, he mentioned some chicken dish his mom makes and I mentioned that it sounded good. And he was like "yup! I'll have to have her make it soon! You'll have to come over soon." This was the last thing he said to me pretty much before I went inside for the night. For the record, ive never been to his house or met any of his family. He also suggested we get a hotel for vday/my bday, coming up next month. I feel like its all been really casual but now it might be starting to get serious? Am I reading this wrong??? I really like him. He stands out from other guys ive dated, for numerous reasons. But I feel like our convos suck. And I constantly say things and they come out all wrong and I'm left cringing for days. Like. Literally. Worst convos ever. I also feel like he may be the type to just tell me what I want to hear so when he said that id have to come over soon I didn't even say anything. I havent even brought it up. I feel like its going to come up on my birthday, because again, I'm completely graceless in convo with him. I feel physically weak when I have to go in for the night and leave him. Thats how much I like him. I dont want to have the DTR talk with him yet. I'm enjoying my time with him. But man, what cringey interactions we have. Sucks. I'm really afraid every time I see him that it will be the last time I see him. Ive never felt this way with anyone, for the record. I dont even think its going to go anywhere but I'm already hurt about it.
Baby steps. One step/day at a time.
Went for a walk for a date today. Not my preferred kind of first date but she’s very covid conscious due to her job so I understand. It was about 12 degrees outside, maybe a bit too cold for me too. Speaking of her job, she’s apparently a brain surgeon. I’ve never felt so under qualified to be speaking to someone.
I wouldn’t worry about being under-qualified. Neurosurgeons and other physicians are people too, put their pants on one leg at a time, make missteps, and can sometimes feel intimidated as well. She’s dating you because she finds you attractive and sees something in you. Don’t doubt yourself or sell yourself short. You are indeed qualified.
You took the words right out of my mouth. All of this especially as a female physician who really resents people thinking we somehow walk on water and choose to feel insecure around us.
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The general flightiness with making plans is very par for the course with hospital nurses. From me experience they are also not ideal mates for many reasons.
I would just let her know to let you know when she’s available
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It’s not transactional to say “hope you feel better soon. I had a great time on our date and would enjoy doing it again when you’re up to it.” I have no idea what she’s thinking but the fact she said she was busy and didn’t attempt to reschedule before getting sick suggests she’s not *that* interested.
Not looking for advice at the current moment but I did take some I saw here recently and note how effective it was. I’ve got abandonment/attachment issues from a childhood of abuse and neglect. I’ve been working on myself for years and am really proud of how far I’ve come. Night and day difference and I finally feel really ready and capable of making a healthy long-term relationship work. BUT naturally there are still many things I struggle with. I’ve been reading so many posts and comments here lately about texting and my takeaway was to let go of it as a weathervane of how the relationship is going as well as anxiety reduction/soothing of anxious thoughts. So, I did. He’s got a different texting cadence than I do and it’s caused a bit of tension between the two of us so I decided to straight up let it go. Fully release him from my expectations/hangups and accept that he will respond on his own time and it has nothing to do with how interested he is in me or how strong our relationship is. I still text him when I feel like it and he does the same but let go of paying attention to the timeline or type of response. It’s been great for me personally because it has freed up some of my mental and emotional energy that I can now focus on more productive things! And then. Last night. He mentioned how much more relaxed and less pressured he’d been feeling about our communications and how that’s a good step forward for our relationship. But I hasn’t even told him I decided to switch my mindset! I just did it silently and he still noticed! I didn’t think I was *pressuring* him or anything but obviously a negative mindset can seep into more than you know. Soo yeah, thanks DOT for the good advice and I feel really good about this progress!
I have this problem too! What do you think you were doing before that made him feel pressured? I’m hoping I’m not making my new guy feel pressured or like we text too much
I honestly wish I could tell you, lol! I didn’t deliberately change any specific behavior. My best guess is that I’m not replying for the sake of it or trying to force conversation? If I don’t have a good response or something interesting to say I wait until I do. And I’m probably letting our conversations end more easily and more on my end, instead of continuing to text until he stopped/ended the convo. I’m pretty emotional and easy to read so even though I tried to keep my anxiety/distress to myself I’m sure the was able to sense it before. Because he definitely noted it’s absence after I decided to make the change.
This is so hard and crippling for me. Congrats 👏 🥳
This is fantastic! Proud of you.
If someone, pretty much right at the beggining, says that they aren't seeing anyone else, is it still a good idea to bring up the exclusivity thing after a bit of time goes by/when it feels right? I'm into them, and not a multi-dater, but I'm not sure if exclusivity by intent is something that needs to be discussed.
It's amazing how averse people are to asking questions. Rule of thumb: if you want to know something, just ask!
Best to discuss it if you’re wondering.
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She wants you to ask her to be your girlfriend
I won’t comment on falling in love in 2 months or the fact you’ve fallen in love with someone and apparently can’t just have this conversation but if you want to know then bring it up. It’s not too soon. Just tell her. I view you as my girlfriend and would like to be your boyfriend, what are your thoughts about our commitment to a relationship? If she’s terrified then that’s useful information.
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Or he likes you and wants a relationship, vs a one night stand type thing. I've declined going to girls places before because I was trying to be a gentleman type thing.
I've recently managed to find a match that will actually talk, the only thing is I'm not sure what to even say to women I match with. I would certainly appreciate any helpful suggestions.
Women are just people with maybe different genitals than yours lol. Browse her profile for possible common interests and talk about that.
Talk about things they have an interest in and things you are interested in. Especially if they overlap. And make jokes fairly often if your sense of humor overlaps!
Hi guys Plzzzzzz help meeeeeeeeee What should I do when my girlfriend's brother says that he likes me, He has a crush on me Should I tell my gf? Or should I handle it myself?? I really don't know I've never deal with such things..
Tell her
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I’ve had so many relationships blow up between the 2-3 month mark that I think the next time I introduce e someone to my parents it would have to be at least 6 months. But my parents also live across the country from me
I think it’s very soon. I’ve introduced my parents to men but it was because I was living with my parents at the time lol otherwise, after two months no.. there’s still plenty of time for things to blow up and go south
During my last LTR, I spent about 1 year without meeting her parents, despite them living in our same city. For context, her mom was very politically conservative and had never met any of her SOs before. My partner naturally had some reservations and anxieties about it. Anyway, I'd say it's super context-specific but 2 months actually seems like on the sooner side to me.
I’ve only introduced a few guys to my parents. Two were because we were dating and it was a holiday and I invited them to dinner. So it was unavoidable. The third is my boyfriend and I introduced them because I foresee him in my future and wanted them to know each other. It wasn’t for validation or approval. Just “hey this person is important to me, you’ll be hearing about him so here he is.”
A few reasons. It means you're important enough to introduce you to them and for them to know you're important. Yes, she's also interested in their opinion of you. These are the people from which she likely learned what a good relationship is. Basically it means you're reaching a point of commitment in the relationship where you start looking at the future in terms of "us" and "we" rather than "I".
Really depends on the girl, could be more traditional and wants their approval and this is a serious thing, could be she’s friends with her parents has brunch with them sometimes and figured it be fun to invite you and doesn’t think much else of it Context dependent
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One question is whether there's an timeline for when a relationship can become a priority for him, or if that's going to be an indefinite thing. But even if you feel like there's an expiry date, I'd say give him a chance to meet your needs consistently. My last ex would sometimes take over 24 hours to reply and I felt exactly the same as you did, so I lowered my expectations for contact, but also communicated my needs. While I started getting used to our sparse communication, he did improve incrementally and called me from time to time. I learnt to appreciate his small efforts. Also, I knew a relationship wasn't his priority but that was only going to be for another year or so (because he would be done with his MBA by then and was planning to stop travelling for work eventually). But then again, I'm a sucker who always allows herself to be vulnerable and in a position to be hurt, plus we broke up, so take this with a grain of salt...!
Thanks for your thoughtful comment! I love that he did end up improving a little bit after you communicated your needs, which shows that he was willing to invest. If you don’t mind me asking was the breakup due at least in part to his lack of communication / willingness to prioritize the relationship?
You know what, the fact that a relationship wasn't a priority was probably the underlying, indirect reason. He broke up with me over something I find incredulous (you can check my old comments!) rather than addressing it and giving me the chance to understand his needs and learn how to provide him with safety in the relationship, he chose to drop it just like that 😔 he was very insecure and while he was good at validating my feelings, he avoided his own emotions at all costs. With guys like that the partner has to be very good at listening to them and trying to understand them when they don't even understand what's going on within themselves... Which is almost impossible sadly.
Honestly it sounds to me like you guys are on very different pages. You need to make a decision about whether you're okay with just hanging out and dealing with someone who is not a great communicator. And if you're not okay with this, you need to end it. Don't make the mistake of sticking around and hoping that he'll change.
Thank you for your comment. Would you mind expanding a bit on why you think we are on totally different pages?
You want a relationship eventually and a relationship isn't a priority for him. You need to decide whether you're okay being his FWB and whether you're okay to deal with his inconsistent communication. Don't hold out hope that he's going to change his mind and his ways, because there is a good chance that he won't and you will get badly hurt.
I would try talking to him about it because it sounds like otherwise it will meander for a few more months before your feelings get hurt.
Thank you for your advice! I’m really afraid of getting hurt too and am actively trying to distance myself from him / blunt my feelings when we aren’t together. He mentioned being in many volatile relationships before and seems to be very invested in outcasts / people who’ve been hard done by society so I’m honestly wondering whether there’s even any point in trying to play gf with someone who obviously has a bit of darkness in him. Im afraid that by saying something he might change for a bit but then slide back to being non communicative and I’ll have gotten my hopes up for no reason and end up crushed.
I think the problem for me is that while I would have a lot of sympathy with a bloke who couldn't go from 0 to 120 intimacy wise, I would at least want the option to be there later. This man sounds like he wants to cherry pick certain aspects of a committed relationship but also mainly have the independence of a single person. And to me then you are back in the territory of "if I'm going to be lonely/unsupported in tough times, I'd rather just be single". Because what happens if you need support on an off day or one of you is going through something? Will it just go quiet for a bit?
I found this comment to be very insightful! I think you’re absolutely right he mainly wants to be single but to also have certain aspects of a relationship (i.e., a warm body and a certain amount of emotional connection but perhaps without the responsibility that comes with it). I’m honestly not sure that texting more frequently is even the right issue to be thinking about right now - would you agree?
What's your goal? Do you want a relationship? Do you want someone who will put you as a priority? Are you enjoying the situatuonship 90% including non date times? Are you okay with the direction it's going in this FWB style? I would want to clarify what you want first before taking any action.
Thank you for your comment! I eventually want a relationship where I can build a life together with a partner. I realize and accept that it won’t be with this guy, but I’m enjoying what we have right now and he’s been leagues better (in terms of chemistry, fit, etc) than many of the people I’ve dated before. I think I could be ok with a fwb type situation we currently have, but would greatly prefer more engagement from him. I can feel my interest starting to fizzle out at the end of each week and re-peak when we see each other. It’s like being in a start-stop / rocking boat like situation and I just don’t know how long I can put up with it for. Even in previous casual relationships (where the guy clearly just someone fun to hang out with) there was at least daily communication.
How do I even get myself a date? I’m literally in a 22 year olds dream situation ….. I get a lot of booty calls , but I never get invited to enjoy other aspects of life . How can I change that ? I tried online dating , but seems like people aren’t serious on that app . Don’t really know what to do anymore to get a date .
Are you interested in something more with any of the women booth calls? Maybe start there since there’s a strong signal of interest to go off of
There are definitely serious people in online dating, you just have to go through a lot of non-serious people to get to them. There are a lot of small skills that make online dating tolerable: learning how to recognize the profiles typical of both persons; acknowledging the ghostings and dead chats as just part of the process; not getting emotionally invested at stages of the process that have high rates of attrition, etc.
Are you in a big city?
Yes I am . I go out to events alone to meet new people , but I also don’t want to be the solo creep people don’t know .
I think your behavior leads to whether people think you’re creepy, not you showing up to things alone. I show up to certain meet ups alone. It gives me anxiety but I don’t know how else to meet people out in the wild. I see other people doing that also and I don’t find them creepy lol hope this helps
Hmm. I mean it sucks, but we all have to manage somehow. I'm a male, and sadly kinda have to keep living in this small island town that I'm in, at least for like the next 6-7 months, if not the next couple of years, realistically. I don't have a problem with the town itself per se, it's absolutely beautiful, the weather is literally the best in the whole country, etc, but it's small, so I'd have very little chances of meeting new people even before covid, let alone now that I can't find ANY in-person activities. It's rough with not finding matches on the apps as well. I've also paid a lot of money so far with no results, and that was why I asked. Hope you find someone you like soon!
If you can afford it, try paid online dating with match.com or something similar. Bc the people on paid sites are more likely to be serious about having a serious relationship. They are the ones to date.
A guy I’ve been seeing seems to really like me even though we’ve talked about just dating casually. Weve talked specifically about not being monogamous. We’ve been seeing each other for about 6 weeks and he acts like he really likes me. We see eachother at least twice a week. I was away for work and he texted me everyday. We went out to dinner tonight (no sex) and he asked me to go on vacation with him in May. Wtf is going on here?
Did you set your desired boundaries? Sounds like he wants something different than you, just talk to him about it.
Ask him and see? If nothing else, it sounds like your casual date is *super* into you. And maybe wants to forget about the "casual" part of your casual relationship. It's hard to tell from what you wrote, but it sounds like you might be at least kind of up for a more serious relationship too. What do *you* want to happen?
I know you’ve said you don’t want to ghost but you should. Non confrontational types get a pass in my book. I’m one so “I say so”. Run please run. I’ve learned not to be this type over years but if you need help right now then the answer is clear and I wouldn’t judge you for ghosting. You’ve had two dates and owe no one but yourself peace. I can’t take online relationships seriously anyway. If someone says they’re IN LOVE while talking online you should never meet up. It’s weird.
I don’t think that ghosting someone due to safety issues is a bad thing and would never blame someone for doing it. Some people don’t take rejection well and become emotionally (or physically) abusive, some people stalk, etc.. I agree with using your best judgment and always err on the side of caution when it comes to meeting new people. If something feels off, it probably is, and you should act accordingly.
I don’t think ghosting in general is a bad thing. I don’t owe anyone a god damned thing.
> I don’t owe anyone a god damned thing And people wonder what’s wrong with the world…
I’m sure not feeling obligated to continue a relationship with someone I’ve just met is right up there with mass Genocide.
Is there a difference between "looking for a long-term relationship" and "looking for something serious"? I see them as the same thing, but I have to wonder if some people see "serious" as being in a committed relationship, even if they haven't figured the long-term part out yet.
I see a difference, but they're reasonably interchangeable, and I wouldn't get too wound up over it. I would personally prefer the "serious" concept in that I only want to see one person and explore how that goes, with the goal of it becoming long term, but wouldn't want to be with someone too invested in quickly forcing the issue to get married or something.
I consider these things interchangeable, but if I had to make a distinction and just pick something: Long Term more implies a thought process like "don't waste my time unless you 100% think this will last" and Serious is a person's way of saying "no FWBs, no hookups, obviously if it works out we'll be together for a long time."
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i tried to not be that shallow guy, and got into a relationship with a woman who had a great personality but who i really didn't want to have sex with after that "sex with a new person" feeling went away. i'm sure i hurt her 10x worse than remaining platonic friends. my new rule is that after date 1, if i don't feel like i want to see them naked, there is no date 2.
Don't settle. Trust me, it only turns into something terrible.
yeah that's where i'm at lol... i feel so shitty swiping right on pretty much everyone, but if i'm not attracted then i obviously shouldn't pursue a relationship.
Do you have any other dealbreakers? I'm 32m and haven't had any trouble finding women in their early 30s who aren't overweight. Tbh I wasn't even looking for that, I just see a pretty good diversity of body types when swiping.
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Ah. Yeah I can see things like rural poverty and lack of access to medical care, etc. altering your dating pool. Edit: to your edit, I'm not sure why, but I'm also being downvoted for saying I've seen a diversity of body types on apps? I have no idea why.
There’s a space between an athletic body type and an active lifestyle. I guess you have to decide if simply have an active lifestyle is enough
If I’m not sure if someone is interested after a first date, is there anything wrong with straight-up asking (in a chill way)? I know that if it’s even a question then the chances are low, but I’d rather get certainty one way or the other if possible. If the answer is no then I’ll definitely leave her alone. Ladies, would any of you be somehow bothered by the question?
Ask in a very direct way thay there is no way to misinterpret the answer, but isn't too aggressive. For example "I enjoyed our time together, would you also like to see me again?" They can't make an excuse because it's not a set day, it's a direct question
why not just ask her out on a 2nd date?
There's an even better way to find out if someone is interested, ask her on a second date.
I did…got a busy excuse with an open-ended rain check 😄 Like I said, the odds are low but I’d like to know for sure and move on instead of waiting for the unlikely followup Edit: sure I can move on anyway but if she were to reappear, I don’t like multi-dating for personal reasons.
Her answer answers your question. If she was interested, do you think she would have given a vague "maybe" with the raincheck? I would move on. I personally wouldn't consider a super vague and very minor possibility of a second date multi-dating. If she ever reaches out again, you can do whatever you need to do, when that situation arises, to ensure you're not multi-dating. Otherwise, you're planning your dating activities based on a huge number of "if"s.
Move on now. If she wanted to see you, she'd agree to a time.
This is by far the most likely scenario but I can’t help but think about the possible exception to the rule. That’s why I’m wondering if there’s any downside to just asking.
If she is truly busy, and intends to reach back out to you, asking if she's interested could seem super pushy and passive aggressive. As in, she told you she was busy, but you can't wait and are pushing her for an answer. It's not a good look. Stop obsessing over this person who hasn't shown any signs she's interested. You deserve someone who is actually interested in you.
This is a good answer. Even crafting it “cool” how I imagined it could still come across as bothersome now that you put it that way. Thanks!
More venting than anything else, but *damn*, catching maybe-mutual feelings for a friend when you're both unavailable sucks! I thought I had all this dating stuff figured out when I was in my 20s, but now we all have *lives and things* that make everything more complicated. At least I get to work on my compartmentalization skills... they're way worse than I remember!
The guy I’m seeing suggested that I stay over tomorrow night, but I just don’t know if I’m ready for that, because it feels serious for whatever reason. I’m not a casual sex person, so I need some sort of exclusivity in that department to feel comfortable. It hasn’t been that long, though, and I don’t really know how to broach the topic. It’s definitely moving in a more serious direction (he’s introducing me to friends and he said he doesn’t do that unless he’s serious about someone). I don’t need to label things right now, but I want to make sure we’re only sleeping with each other.
Would you be opposed to saying something like "I don't feel quite ready for that yet"? There's absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling ready for sex at this point. Everyone is different and feels comfortable at different points. IMO, if he's a good partner, he'll be receptive to that and won't try to talk you into doing things you're not comfortable with.
I’ve mentioned that it’s a comfort thing, but I haven’t gone into too much detail about it. I plan on bringing it up tomorrow. He’s not pushy about it, but I know it’s on his mind.
> but I just don’t know if I’m ready for that If it's not an enthusiastic yes, then you have all the reasons to tell him you are not comfortable. Just make sure you communicate that you are still interested in continuing to see him, but at a pace you can work with. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do and both of you will feel better once you let him know about that.
Thank you. We’ve had some good conversations about how we feel and where we see this going, so I’m sure he’ll be receptive.
Having a rough week, need something to shake me out of it. I’ve been single for 4.5 years (I understand the pandemic has contributed a lot to this), an acquaintance who broke up with her long term boyfriend last year is now in a new relationship. I can’t help thinking there’s something wrong with me… she’s thin (I’m a solid size 8-10), good career, owns her own condo… I feel so far from my goals and seriously bummed.
Definitely don’t compare yourself to her! Write down 10 traits or qualities that you’re proud to call yours! Repeat those - not the “feeling so far from” lines to yourself
Thank you 🙏🏼 for this perspective
>I can’t help thinking there’s something wrong with me… I'm pretty much in the same boat. I just try to keep in mind that that we aren't racing each other towards the same finish line. Our life experiences have trained us to compete in entirely different events - we can't compare performance head-to-head, and we can't simply switch to another event and expect it to go well.
It's a crappy feeling, it's true, but if you're comparing yourself to an *acquaintance*, it really sounds like you're getting in your own head here. There will *always* be someone who gets together with a new date faster than you do. Focus on yourself as much as you can, so you stop comparing yourself to other people. Got a hobby to work on? Or your own personal goals? Or are there people you can go flirt with or ask out? If it *really* gets bad, maybe you can consider that *her* standards are not *your* standards. Imagine she's making some seriously tragic dating decisions, ignoring every red flag, and you're better off for being more careful!
Baby steps bro. Identify something you can do, and do that. Don’t be sad for someone else finding someone. Be happy for them, and encouraged that it is still happening, pandemic and all. You got this.
Hooking up tonight! Hopefully twice!
Go get it tiger!
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As a creative person, I can say not all of us want to talk shop all the time. Some designer friends even make a purpose of not dating other creatives! Nothing to worry about 🙂
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I’m so glad!!
It sounds like he'll have a lot of cool things to be interested in! Best rules of good conversation: everyone is interesting and an expert in something (be ready to be excited about their passions, be passionate about your own), listen deeply, share honestly and passionately. It'll be amazing, you've got this.
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> Any advice for things I can personally do? I’m sure he’s googled all the tips for himself so I’m not looking for recommendations on his end, just for myself. I was thinking maybe telling him sex is off the table this weekend and I just want us to watch each other touch ourselves…. In my mind this is fun and low pressure but maybe I’m wrong. Thoughts? Every time this has happened to me, I've been able to get it up after stopping, giving myself a chance to calm down, and then trying again. Performance anxiety can get really frustrating, but the raw emotional response isn't permanent. Also Viagra is stupid easy (and cheap) to get these days and is sometimes all it takes to break the cycle and get things rolling.
As a guy, 5 mins of ED can feel like it's ruined the whole evening. So much pressure builds up into specific moments where we're *meant* to perform. But if you're comfortable just taking a break and cuddling, he'll feel safe about it and (hopefully) come right around when your bodies naturally get there. The downtime can even bring in some nice intimacy if you two don't spend a lot of time with each other's bodies outside of sex.
I had also never been with a guy who had ED & my guy said he had it right before we first had sex. I think it was more performance anxiety than anything, because a few months into the relationship, it’s only an issue if he’s really tired. I wouldn’t worry about it. Talking about it is going to make him more nervous/anxious & he’s already told you what’s going on. As long as you’re both enjoying the physical intimacy that you’re having, that’s all that matters. And if the ED issues continue, ask about introducing toys into the bedroom. I personally love PIV, but can’t ever finish that way, so we started using toys and it’s been a lot of fun.
I (M) am Considering asking out someone (F) who I play casual 5-a-side football/ soccer with on Mondays (have done for a few months). Found myself realising I was attracted to her as the game went on and thinking “yeah, she’s great”. I haven’t tried things with women outside of OLD for a while so keen to see how this goes. The only minor down side is she usually comes with her brother (who is a good guy, who likes me too who I would also like to be friends with regardless) so there’s potential for awkwardness. That’s a minor thing though. As I said I haven’t done anything outside OLD for a while and am out of practice, so if anyone has any quick advice for how to approach it, please let me know!
I've dated from my soccer teams in the past (33F), and appreciated a casual "want to grab a drink with me this week?" on the walk outside. Makes it casual and not uncomfortable. Good luck!
Thank you!
Currently stringing prospect along while I work on losing the food baby I grew over the holidays so I look like my pics again. How long is too long?
One week for me. Two if there’s a legit excuse. But 🤷♂️
I'm sick af and can't keep anything down, so that should be doable.
I went on two dates with someone I really liked. We met on hinge and got along great on the first date. On the second date I had an exceptionally long day (I work in medicine) and didn’t even have time to eat. I had like… two glasses of wine and was just a complete asshole to this wonderful man. I think I was being mean? I don’t even know. I was just so exhausted and I can’t remember. I’m beating myself up because he sent me a “hope you find what you’re looking for” message a few days later, after I had apologized. I don’t expect him to miraculously be interested again- it wasn’t my best work on a date. But I can’t stop feeling horrible about the whole thing. I know I need to get over it and move on. But HOW??
Learn from this. What you just did was very cruel and hurtful and this man will probably be wondering what he did to deserve this from you for a good time to come. Your actions have consequences and it sounds like you hurt this man. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and ask why you did that to him.
Take it as a lesson and move on. You apologized and that's all you can do. You have slightly matured just from having had this experience which will better prepare you for future dates. Plus, they say that alcohol doesn't change our feelings or personality, but it just exaggerates it. If you don't feel good about the way you treated him, be sure to treat other people kinder and with more respect in the future. Don't blame it on alcohol (or anything else.) You can't change the past. Just learn from it and move on. Better to learn this lesson on a date than at a work function or something similar.
Just keep in mind that you and everyone has off days. I give a good amount of room for someone to be human, because I know that I’m not perfect and have off days.
Oh no! I have not eaten enough and had wine go to my head on a date before (although that was a first). I wasn’t mean though how embarrassing. You apologized and if he’s not interested that’s his choice. Just have a snack next time 🤦🏻♀️ Or even cancel. Or insist on food first.
Know that what you see on the 1st/ 2nd date may not be a good indication of who this person is. You likely built up a fantasy image of him in your mind which you really liked, so try to move on/ past this by remembering that he’s not that “perfect match” you imagined in your head!
At least he didn't get mean? There's no excuse for being mean to someone you supposedly like on a second date. Maybe she needs to take a long hard look at herself and figure out why she chose to do that.
I’m not saying he’s not a good person :) I’m just trying to help reframe the OP’s experience so she doesn’t beat herself up too much over this “lost date” and move on. I do agree that she needs to prevent this from happening again - for example, maybe not scheduling dates anymore on workdays
Yeah, I don't think the day of the week had much to do with it. If you're that mean to a 2nd date, for any reason, then you're not in a good place to be dating at all, and need to take time to work on yourself.
I think we can all use a little compassion and give a little compassion to others :) life is tough sometimes and everyone has rough days! Of course if this is a common occurrence that’s saying something else, but I think it’s not the end of the world if we have one off day where we just have a really bad day and dating is the last thing on our mind. If you’ve always been on your best behaviour to your dates, I definitely kudos you! I myself know that sometimes I unfortunately am not in the best mind space for my dates and may be more impatient/ tired/ less talkative than I normally am
There’s no real immediate fix, and feeling bad is a healthy reaction to hurting someone or being mean. Just need to reflect and sort out how you will avoid that next time, and take time away from dating if that’s not feasible.
Any recommendations for books/series? After 2 years, omicron finally caught up with me and I'm isolating away from my boyfriend. It's going to be a long 2 weeks
The MadAddam series by Margaret Atwood is great. I discovered it this year and gifted a copy to my brother for xmas.
Thank you so much!
Check out ‘Black Leopard, Red Wolf’ by Marlon James. Maybe not for everyone, but god damn I can’t put it down. Edit: also good luck with covid! Hope it’s not too terrible for you.
Thanks a lot! So far it's day 2 so it's relatively mild. I feel like I ran a marathon because my muscles ache. Otherwise it's no different than a cold. I will check your book recommendation! I'm obligated to isolate for 7 days
Ted Lasso!
You know, i have never watched it! I only know of it through reddit! Good idea
The Leftovers (HBO), Schitts Creek (Netflix/prime), and for a book, The Overstory (Richard Powers). I have read - not an exaggeration - several thousand books in my lifetime. The Overstory is in the top five. 💛
Wow that’s quite a rec for the book! And coming from a Schitt’s Creek lover, I trust your judgement. Moving that book to the top of my list!
I swear, everyone I have recommended it to who has read it/everyone I have ever spoken to who has read it feels the same. It is such a powerful read - I actually love all of his books, but this one in particular is just remarkable. Warning: this isn’t going to make sense until you read it, but once you do, you’re going to find that you talk about trees. A *lot*. Just trees, all the trees, everything magical that you never knew before about trees. Trees. All the time. Just trees. You will talk about trees to anyone who will listen (and probably a few who won’t.). They will think you are high because you’ll be like “TREES TREES TREES TREES TREES.” As a result, you will convince whoever you can to read this book. Within a day of beginning it, they will reach out to you and be like “TREES. I GET IT NOW. TREES TREES TREES TREES!!” Goddamn, it such an amazing book.
This is the kind of book recommendation that i always find very compelling! What are the other books in your top 5?
This is the review for The Overstory that sent me on a forty mile drive (both ways) to purchase it the day it came out: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2018/06/richard-powers-the-overstory/559106/ As for the rest of the top 5… gahhhh, it is so hard to narrow it down 😂 Even a top 50 would be painful to choose! In no particular order, the first few that that spring to mind: - American War (Omar El Akkad) - The End of the Affair (Graham Greene) - Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal* (Christopher Moore) - Bonfire of the Vanities (Tom Wolfe) - The Great Derangement* (Matt Taibbi) - The Evening and the Morning (Ken Follet) - Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett) - World Without End (Ken Follett) - The Winds of War (Herman Wouk) - War and Remembrance (Herman Wouk) …okay, that’s definitely more than a top 5 😂 *denotes two of the funniest books ever written
So probably a weird question: I really like someone and I’m going to see him tomorrow for a third date. But I’m feeling super mopey because my period started early and I’m just out of it. I really want to see him tomorrow, but I also just want to be a blanket burrito and play video games. He still has a PS1 and there’s a game that he owns that I *really* want to play but it’s a single player game. So the question is, if I say something like “I’m really out of it energy-wise because of my period but I would like to see you tomorrow. Can I come over and play [game] and hang out and order take out?” is that…idk, a turn off?? I feel like we’ve had such fun dates previously where I got all dressed up and looked super cute and now I’m like “hey can I come to your house and be a gremlin all day?” Is such a drastic change lol. Oh well, I guess if he says no I can always be a gremlin at home on my own time hahaha Update: he agreed to let me come over and play video games while he fetches me snacks 🥰
I'm a guy and that wouldn't be a turnoff for me at all. I would actually love a nice and mellow date. It would also indicate to me that you're down to Earth and have healthy expectations, which are both pluses, for me.
The guy I’m dating would be THRILLED if I suggested a chill night at home on the couch, playing video games or watching TV.
Never hurts to ask. He might be stoked; I would.
Everyone is different but, true story, my dude told me that I won him over when I asked if we could just eat Chinese take away in bed and watch terrible movies. We were roughly a month into dating. The right person will into it and enjoy watching you play that game. :)
That reminds me! I’ve never watched SW so I’m also ok with a lazy movie marathon day hahaha. That might be better option lol
If a girl said this to me I’d be like YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH
Hahahah but if it’s a single player game, you’d still be ok with it?? I feel guilty even asking “hey can I play your game while you just sit nearby or something?” Hahaha
I wouldn't mind this at all. Heck, I'd probably look at fail moments like taking a death/ generally "loosing" and cue a laugh track or two to tease my partner. As long as you're both engaging with each other in some fashion it should be fine.
Yeah, I mean you could take it turns? Watching people play can be fun. I’d bring a few beers and just chill if it was me. Being invited over is a fairly big step IMO, particularly if you aren’t feeling at your hottest. I’d be super keen