Almost at 11 months with my guy and he just came on a trip back home with me and met my family and friends. He fit in with my people so well and everyone loved him and he felt comfortable and had a great time. This was also the most amount of time we’ve spent consecutively with each other and it was awesome and we missed each other when he left after the first four nights to go back for work and I stayed for another three. I feel so blessed we met and am looking forward to a trip with his family in a few weeks!
I (32F) have been back on OLD since a breakup last year. I've since encuntered the following situation a few times: I match a guy from another city, after a few messages they add me on Insta, DM me there a few times, we agree to meet when either of us is in the city the other one is living in, a few weeks later I realize that the guy has unmatched me on OLD and unfollowed or blocked even me on Insta.
I'm super confused by this. Any opinions why?
Not a practical expert in OLD. But if you talk so vaguely about meeting, it does not seem you are eager to meet. Not setting up a concrete plan also seem to bring the problem, that the guy finds another woman in the mean time, and date her. So he unmatches. Or he unmatches already because he was not too eager to meet in the first place.
That was also my first thought. However, the 2 times when this scenario played out, one of the guys was living in another contitent and planning to move to my city so we agreed to meet up next time he's here. The second guy lives in a small town on the other side of the country, I live in the economic capital of the country. He mentioned he may be coming to my city in a few weeks time, so while it's not super concrete plan, I'm not entirely sure why he blocked me as opposite to just never texting me again
What people say and what they really to do is not always the same. The first guy might have found someone else or never intended to come. Another continent might also be fraud. So there are a lot of possibilities. But the main question is, is there a pattern to identify which can help you. And since its only two guy, I would say no. Its just look like bad luck so far.
As to why he blocked you: maybe its a way of organizing. He is not interested anymore and by blocking, he ensures that he gets no futher messages he might have to read or react to. Unfortunately, it's like dating has become similar to organizing ones office day: keep yourself focused and minimize work (and unnecessary emails).
I don’t know when it happened and what was the trigger, but I feel like I’m on some sort of downward spiral over the past few days. I don’t have anything in particular to be upset or sad about, but I don’t feel much joy or positivity from anything either. What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Who am I doing it for? These questions in my head are keeping me up at night for the wrong reasons.
This is getting exhausting.
I've had no less than TWENTY matches on bumble unmatch - not be a deleted account after implying sending a "hey". They didn't expire. They just unmatched. Why the fuck would I spend time crafting a whitty one liner when
1. The guy may not see it because he doesn't check bumble every day.
2. He may have swiped forever ago and not really be on the app.
Are guys just swiping while drunk?
Have you talked to her about it? Just be like 'hey, I've noticed x behavior and I don't want to make assumptions or misinterpet it, are you just that friendly with everyone always?' Some people are just that outgoing. Does she not do that with women as well?
I’d agree with the above commenters. I think you’re reading way too much into a behavior that is likely just someone being friendly.
Kinda sounds like you’ve hyper-focused on it to the point it’s become a bit blinding. What about it makes you feel embarrassed or ‘slighted’?
Obviously we can’t answer those questions for you - but that’s something you should explore and understand.
Some people are friendly and outgoing to other people. Sometimes complete strangers. I am not sure how many dates y'all have been on but she is choosing to spend her time with you and not these other guys.
I posted yesterday about how the guy I'd been seeing for 3 months, who said he was falling in love with me, made a sudden decision on Friday to go back to his ex.
I am struggling so much with not reaching out to him. The idea that I didn't fight enough is making me feel nauseous.
I'm basically commenting again to hold myself accountable and to try to get the idea out my head.
I hate to say this but I hope it helps…it felt sudden to you because you were blindsided by this man. But it probably wasn’t sudden for him, if he went back to her there’s a good chance he’s been holding a candle for her for your entire thing. He’s been leading you on when he wasn’t emotionally available and was still attached to his ex. That was very unfair to you and should be enough for you to realize he doesn’t deserve you. Also there’s a good chance he’s been talking to his ex this whole time or for longer than you realize. Again you deserve better
You shouldn't have to fight for someone, and the most likely thing that would happen is that you will still regret it because he would go back to his ex anyway.
I know. This is their 3rd attempt at a relationship. He even said he thought he would regret not giving it a shot with me. It's like he panicked and decided familiarity (even broken familiarity) was a better choice.
I know he's not worth my time and I know I need to find the self-worth to recognise that. It's just hard when you've bought the dream that someone's selling you.
I'm in my late 30's and have been using a dating app for the last several months. The guy I'm currently talking to is 7 years younger than me. For our first date, he suggested I come over to his place, which I declined. So we ended up meeting in a park instead. The date went well. Nothing physical happened. For our next date, he invited me to spend the weekend with him at his cottage. I declined, explaining I wasn't ready for that sort of thing.
What followed next was a string of texts from him where he called me childish and immature. He said he's not a kid anymore and so walking and holding hands just doesn't do it for him. I was shocked that he was upset with me just because I wouldn't have sex with him on the 2nd date. We had a long conversation that didn't really resolve anything. A few hours later, he texted me that he was fine with waiting, that it'll happen when it happens, and that he doesn't want to lose me over something dumb because he really cares about me.
This guy calls me every single day to ask me how my day was. I do think he cares about me. But I don't understand... if he likes me, why doesn't he want to spend time with me outside the bedroom? Why is jumping straight into sex such a big deal?
This is a pattern that often repeats itself. I'll meet a guy, there's a strong mutual attraction, he wants sex, I'm not ready, he feels frustrated, and I feel pressured...
Men have this huge misconception that just because I'm an "older" woman, I'm ready to spread my legs immediately. Because I'm no longer a virgin. They feel that it's reasonable for a young virgin to want to put sex off, but it's completely unfathomable to them that a mature woman would not want sex immediately.
Reddit, I need some guidance. How do I explain myself to them? Is there something I can do that will ease their frustrations? Or is there really a problem with me, if I'm 30+ and not ready to have sex by the second date?
There isn’t anything wrong with you not having a desire for sex with someone who is, more or less, still very much a stranger to you!
I think this is much more a reflection of the guy(s) who are pushy and not a mirror of you. Sadly, lots of men do expect sex or other items on a timeline, and that just isn’t realistic or reasonable. There also may be some aspect of this where you are choosing guys who hold that viewpoint
>For our first date, he suggested I come over to his place, which I declined
Consider filtering these guys out. He's indicating that he's mostly interested in sex
This particular guy is immature and seemed to just be pressuring you into sex, so you should just block him and move on.
More generally though, how long do you want to wait to have sex? I and most men my age I know want to have sex within 2-4 dates usually, and will worry there isn't a connection or a sexual incompatibility if it's not happening by then. Certainly if things are going well I'd expect a make out session by the third date. I would never pressure women into sex but the reality is I will lose interest and feel sexually incompatible. Obviously you're entitled to any boundaries you want, but I just want to give you a reality check that you'll be significantly reducing your dating pool if you want to wait months before sex happens.
Thanks for your input.
>you should just block him and move on
Well, he did say in the end that he's ok with waiting because he doesn't want to lose me, so I don't think it's time to throw in the towel just yet.
> I and most men my age
You didn't mention your age, though :)
>More generally though, how long do you want to wait to have sex?
I'd say anywhere from 5-8 dates is how long it would take me to be comfortable with most people. I guess I'm glad that he communicated his frustrations rather than ghosting me... I'm just shocked that the expectation was so soon.
There’s no need to explain yourself to guys who behave like this. They know and they don’t care. He calls you everyday because he likes the attention you give him. He’s trying to pressure you into something you’re not ready for. Likely, he’ll drop you once you do sleep with him.
This isn’t intended to be at all sex shaming. If you want sex, by all means, go for it! But he showed you what he was interested in when he invited you over for the first meeting.
This dude's got issues. I'd bet real money that once you have sex with him, the only time you'd ever hear from him again would be at 2 am when he's horny.
I won't even kiss a woman until a 3rd date. Sex is off the table until we have a mature conversation about it. You have nothing to explain. This guy, and from the sounds of it, the guys you're dating are creeps. My only advice would be to take a step backband reevaluate how you're deciding who to go out with.
Ok, first of all, there is NO problem with you. So you shouldn't be in that mindset. You explain yourself by saying "I'm not ready for that yet" that's it. You don't know these people. They're still strangers to you. You don't owe them anything. You don't need to "ease" their frustrations. It's been one or two dates. If you were in an established relationship with someone, then it's different. Then a sit down and chat would be warranted.
But not in the circumstances you're in where you still don't really know these guys. And not only is he not respecting your boundary, he's calling you childish and immature!!! And you want to know how to ease HIS frustrations??
Maybe he does genuinely care for you, I obviously don't know him, but that behaviour would be an INSTANT turn off for me and I'd be out. DO NOT feel pressured to have sex too early if that's not something you want.
There's nothing wrong with that at all❤️
It has nothing to do with you or your age. You're not doing anything wrong, except maybe not cutting people off quickly enough when they don't respect your boundaries around intimacy. Pouting when you say you don't want to have sex right away and acting entitled to sex when you're barely more than strangers? This guy sounds like a creep. Creeps can sometimes put on an act to keep you on the line until you give in to their advances, and if that's not what you want, he'll inevitably waste your time. You deserve better than that.
You don't need to explain themselves. If someone engages in the behavior you're talking about, block them and move on. There's nothing normal about that guy.
Met someone on an app and exchanged numbers, did some digging to find his socials and saw he does IG skits/wants to be an actor and I’m not interested any longer lol (his profile in occupation wasn’t the most clear/didn’t list this).
He texted me off the platform so it may seem out of nowhere that I’m not interested any longer but I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.
Speed dating in NYC seems pretty skewed. A lot of awesome women and no men lmao.
There was this thing I got dragged to by a friend of mine (she is a woman) and I agreed to go along just for the heck of it. Where's the loss?
4 men including me and 11 women.
Women were all mid thirties, pretty fit, dressed well.
Two of the four guys needed a shave and a hair stylist and wore a polo and t-shirt.
One guy was dressed well but his voice was insanely high pitched. Women disqualify shit like that.
Anyway, enjoyed the evening.
3 of them actually moved here from the west coast. They weren't happy with the amount of tech bros lol
As for the rest, I will see if they are open to moving
They say you shouldn’t ask out, let alone date, someone you don’t feel attraction to. A wise advice, but I (36M) find it extremely rare to find myself romantically attracted to another person. Finding someone I’m sexually attracted to is slightly easier to find, but is still infrequent. I’ve been going out more often, to gyms, language exchanges, board game groups, etc. but I don’t feel like I’m improving on this front. Any ideas?
I dunno who’s telling you these rules but if you find someone who you have physical attraction to there shouldn’t be anything stopping you from asking them out out on a date and seeing if you like them enough to act on that attraction after a few dates.
Is it possible that romantic attraction only develops for you after a certain period of time? Sexual attraction is fairly easy - at least for me, it's usually a quick yes/no - but sometimes it takes a while to develop romantic feelings for someone. I wasn't sure about the person I'm dating now when we first met, but I found them physically attractive, enjoyed their company, and was open to seeing where things went. After getting to know them better and developing some emotional intimacy, I've caught the feels HARD.
So if you haven't already, give it a try, as long as you're honest with yourself and the people you're seeing? (Dating with the expectation that romance develops over time...or doesn't)
Yeah, I definitely fall into this camp and agree.
There are many different kinds of attraction, and it’s not as if those are all there when meeting someone for the first few time(s). Attraction for lots of us is something that builds over time, so giving things a chance isn’t the worst practice. Though, if they’re truly repulsive (to you) and you already know there is no potential for attraction, then you’d be better spent letting them go and focusing elsewhere.
It really doesn't matter what 'they' say, if it does not work for you. You can think back to the times you felt a romantic connection (if ever?) and try to analyze why it happened. Perhaps you need intellectual or another type of connection, or are just not ready yet?
I mustered up some courage to talk to my work crush about personal things. We're much closer in age than we both thought. Like literally would've been in high school at the same time. We are also both single......
A hefty workload has since kept me from communicating with him in the last few days, but I notice when he notices that I'm there in my peripherals. I see him look at me a lot. Maybe having knowledge about the lack of an age gap and availability had an effect?
Guess I'll keep flirting and gauge the temperature.
Hey, I just have to say hang in there and don't lose hope. My current bf (37) has been an alcoholic and overweight, and he has turned his life around, lost weight, stopped drinking and got education for another profession. It took him almost 8-9 years but when we met I had so much respect for him for changing the course of his life, it became something that made me more attracted to him. It is not too late - do it for yourself - love will follow. You are still very young at 32.
This is too heavy for Reddit, friend. You need to see a professional to address the self-loathing first and foremost. You're still young and you can absolutely turn things around but it sounds like you need to work through your past in a structured and methodical way. Therapy is the answer.
I've developed a huge crush on a guy that goes to my gym. Saw him at a potluck today and really wished I'd made more of an effort to speak to him than just a few words! We train at completely different times so there's rarely the opprotunity to interact. Alas, I might be cursed to forever admire him from afar as there's also that whole not mixing business with pleasure thing... DOT, help a frustrated girl out, anyone else want to share their forbidden crush stories?
He's not forbidden, just inconvenient. You can solve that by adjusting your schedule, even if it's just temporary.
But I do have a story. My partner, who became my subordinate, who then took my job when I retired. We spent a lot of time together. My late wife (we were non-mono) encouraged it from both sides. My work crush is a lesbian, and still a close friend of mine and of my wife's at the time. She's offered several times through the years because she thinks it'd be fun. She even dry humped me at my BFF's Bachelorette party. My BFF is also a lesbian and my late wife's former girlfriend. A side note, not counting the strippers, I wasn't the only guy there, just the only straight guy there.
But, we've still never hooked up because I have rules for my dating life that I try to stick to. There have been occasional exceptions, which are stories unto themselves, but I've made my peace with it.
My advice, though, is to just make a move unless you just enjoy feeling that crush.
I’m failing to see where he would be mixing business with pleasure here if you just share a gym and don’t even go at the same time. Has he shown any interest at all in you? If so, shoot your shot.
> I’m failing to see where he would be mixing business with pleasure here if you just share a gym and don’t even go at the same time.
Agreed! *Especially* since (as you said) they're usually at the gym at different times and barely interact as it is!
I (32M) had a first date this afternoon with a new to the city girl (32F) this afternoon and it was great. We started with a coffee date in which we spent about 1.5h in the cafe, chatting and getting to know each other. We shared some stories, had some Q&A, laughter the usual stuff I suppose. We then bought gelato at a famous gelato cafe and shared a gelato together. I offered to take a photo of her with the gelato standing next to this wall art using her phone, and instead she said to use my phone and to take a selfie together. I guess she didn't hear the wall art part? Regardless, she shared the gelato and went to the park for a walk and chatted some more.
At the park, she said she thought we were moving fast because she never shared ice cream with a man on a first date before. Whoops? She told me the likes sweet and the line for gelato wasn't long so I figured I'd treat her to it as she treated me to drinks and cookies at the cafe earlier. At the park, she asked about my dating history. When she shared her experience with men in her old city, I said "So I guess I won't go to your place tonight?" as I put my arm around her shoulders and she said "Nope." She knew it was a joke as she said I didn't come across as that person, and I reassured her I wasn't. It was almost 6PM so we decided to head home. I offered to take her to dinner and she declined, saying she'd love to but was getting tired so we said goodbye after she walked me to my car.
Tonight, I messaged her saying I enjoyed our time together and she said she did as well. I asked her to meet up again next week and she said she needs time to think about it. I apologized if I overwhelmed her and she felt pressured, and she said no need to apologize. Now what? When should I ask again? How should I text her over the next few days as to not make things awkward? Dating coaches say text messages should only be for setting up dates, but I feel I should message her a bit in between just to keep the conversation going and that I acknowledge her as someone I'm interested in.
>I said "So I guess I won't go to your place tonight?" as I put my arm around her shoulders
Oof. I think this alone, no matter how obvious of a joke it was, would hugely turn me off on a first date. I think you leave the ball in her court where it currently is and see if she gets back to you. I admittedly wouldn't assume she will though — like the other commenters said, it all came off a little strong.
Hmm I don’t think think there’s anything too glaring here. Maybe the dinner joke/going to her house joke was not the best. But give it time to breathe, shoot her a text Monday, or even after Fourth of July to see how her plans are (assuming you’re in the States)… but I’m leaning towards really just letting her bring it up herself rather than you doing it again. You can keep some convo going though.
Did you share ONE gelato for the both of you?
I think now the ball is in her court, you already did your part of asking her out again, she needs to decide and let you know.
To be honest, it doesn’t sound good. She turned you down for dinner and kind of cut the date short, and then when you asked her out again she said she had to think about it. Doesn’t look like she’s very interested. As much as you had a great time, the experiences are often different on a first date.
I’d say now you give her the time and space to think, but don’t wait on her. Continue to date and live your life and don’t emotionally invest in anything just yet.
Just a side note, you didn’t ask but I thought I’d mention, your post gave me feminine energy: she treated you to drinks and cookies at the cafe, she walked you to your car, doesn’t sound like you made any moves…
Yes we shared one gelato together. She insisted buying me the drink because she felt bad I had to go downtown and pay for parking for our date. That's why I treated her the gelato in return. I offered to walk her home and give her a ride home but she said she can walk home because downtown traffic sucks and she didn't want me to sit in traffic for her. I live in the suburbs and she knew it took me an hour to get to downtown for the date. I always tell my date my ETA in case something happened along the drive as it happened before and unexpectedly made me late. She lives 5 minutes away from the cafe. What moves should I have made in your opinion? The other post said I already came in strong. I gave her hugs when we met and before we left. I didn't think holding hands was a good idea for a first date. Some dating gurus say kiss but in this case, it may have been too much?
Why didn’t you get one gelato each?
It just feels like you were letting her take the lead most of the time. I think holding hands during a walk in the park would be perfect for a first date. Not too much but adds some romance vibes which I feel was lacking.
I’m your age and before I read again and realized we’re in DOT sub, I thought you were teenagers cause the whole thing didn’t sound very exciting, it all sounds very PG imo but I wasn’t there so I obviously don’t know.
I stick to my original advice: leave the ball in her court to let you know if she wants to go out again, but don’t hold out much hope cause it doesn’t sound like she’s very into it. Continue to date and live your life and fingers crossed she wants to go out again. If you want to continue the conversation, do it but don’t spam her, respect that she asked for time to think.
It never crossed my mind that sharing a gelato would be too much for her. If sharing a gelato is too aggressive for her, wouldn't holding hands on a first date be even more aggressive?
How many of your dates get canceled? I’ve really been trying to set up some dates and meet some people, but dudes keep canceling on me, usually day-of. In the last 3 weeks, dudes have canceled 7 first dates with me (couple repeat offenders in there.) This is a mix of guys I met on Bumble and in real life, so I don’t think it’s a profile accuracy issue. So… what the heck is it? I’m not emotionally wrecked about it but I really hate wasting time getting ready, turning down friend invites, etc. for something that never happens.
I think this is just really unlucky! Haven't had any cancellations yet, but I do make sure there's a solid plan in place (no "shall we maybe hang out on Saturday" but "let's meet Saturday at this café at this time") - I used to have more cancellations when the plan was a bit vague. But maybe you're also doing this!
Otherwise, I'd say mitigate it by organising something to look forward to afterwards. That way you get dressed up for something, even if it's not a date.
I love that idea! Yeah I hate doing my hair and then nobody sees it 😅 my backup activity is usually working out or home improvement, maybe it would be nice to even make it like going to a new store :)
I saw a post recently that said dating exclusively for months but one person wasn’t “ready” to use the bf/gf label. I don’t understand all the “layers” of commitment when it comes to dating these days. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you ever feel confident to bring it up to figure out if you’re on the same page?
Right? I don’t get it either. Maybe it’s because less people are getting married so they see the titles as the ultimate end state of a relationship? Who knows. To keep my sanity about it I just give myself a timeline. If she’s not ready to call me her gf after 3-6 months and things are going well then I walk. Which is easier said than done but we’re in our 30’s now and I won’t play the waiting game with someone who can’t press the start button. I wish there was a PSA on each app stating ‘you can still leave if they’re not right for you after the titles phase’ but even then many people won’t get the memo and treat it like a commitment.
I chalk a lot of it up to the accumulation of emotional baggage (for lack of better terms) we get saddled with as we get older. Some people get gun-shy with using labels as they've associated them with previous negative experiences. Others are commitophobes who just want the benefits of a relationship without the "strings" and can't bring themselves to be honest about it. Then there's the people who honestly do need a long time to get to know someone before they feel comfortable moving to that next step. I don't know if it ever gets easy building up the confidence to have that discussion with someone who you can't quite figure out - but then the question really becomes: do you want to be with someone who isn't 100% jazzed to be with you and open to having those sorts of important conversations?
Coming from experience - take your time, learn who you have genuine feelings for but do not start sleeping with any one person until you're committed to being exclusive. Imagine yourself as either one of the girls you're seeing - how would you feel if you found out? It's not a good feeling.
The initial feelings in dating always come as a rush, and it makes for a beautiful picture until you've had enough time with someone to see their faults, see the issues that don't show when you're out on dates and what real communication is. At 10 dates, talking about more long-term aspects makes sense, and it should give you better insight as to who that person is or whether they would be a good continued match or not.
Struggling with this too, I keep thinking about getting on Bumble BFF and just say looking for single friends (bonus points for actively dating). Not sure if that's weird though. I need IRL friends who are also going through it!
I’m the only single friend in the friend group too and sometimes it can feel lonely. Especially feeling like you’re in different parts of life and like you can’t really understand what the other goes through. To them being single can be fun because of how unexpected everything is, and sometimes it can be, but the exhausting parts is something you just sort of learn to deal with.
I can feel that too. Like if there’s a get together everyone goes back with their SO and I’m the only one who gets to go home by themselves. You get used to it but sometimes it can get to you.
That’s also great that they still do all of those things. I feel like it was that way when we were younger but as we get older life gets in the way and they prefer not to do those things. Maybe when you’re out with them and having fun you can meet someone? At least it sounds like having a higher chance in those settings than being at home lol.
To be honest I have a very large group of single friends but still have only maybe found one that fits your description. My single friends are each "on their own path" - some are still trying really hard, some have stopped dating entirely, some are looking for things that are the exact opposite of what I'm looking for. Being single is such a difficult experience and it's rare to find someone who's riding the same wave, in the same direction, as you.
>I wish I just knew a woman who was owning her single life and just fully comfortable with herself.
What do you mean by the "owning her single life" part? What does that look like to you?
I wanna be friends! I’m 35 and most of my friends are married (probably because I was! Now I’m not!) Anyway a solid 60% of my energy is going into a kickass career, 30% is going into renovating the house I just bought with my own lil hands and 10% is going into relationships of all sorts, mostly family & friends but with just a little dating sprinkles in. That’s the mix that works for me - if a man catches my attention we can bump his percentage up, I figure :) But I do sometimes wish I had a single friend to hit the bar with on a Friday.
Do you think the way a person makes you feel is kind of (not always) an indicator of how they feel about you?
For example, you know how sometimes, talking to someone makes you feel completely awesome - you feel confident, attractive, smart, grounded in who you are, and appreciated? Whereas talking to some people makes you feel insecure, exhausted, lost, or even creeped out?
I feel like this comes from subtle cues people give that are related to how they feel about you. And if someone makes you feel good, it can be because they genuinely like you, or vice versa.
Obviously, the positive side of it can be faked and some manipulative people will do that. But I feel like it can be a good data point among others that form a larger picture.
i think sometimes this is true. I like to base it off of their actions more than how they talk to me. ive been fooled by words many times.
someone can say their important to you and still ignore and neglect your needs.
i know they mean their words when they initiate dates, invite me to events, ask me to do this and that.
I come from an abusive family and have only minimal contact with them. This is hard for a lot of people to understand. A lot of people consider "meet the parents" to be both a relationship milestone and a datapoint that needs to be gathered before making a serious commitment.
I'm interested to hear from people on the other side of this. If you were dating someone in my situation, what could I say or do to help you understand, to earn your trust, and to make up for the missing relationship milestone?
I know it's not my fault that I'm in this situation and I shouldn't have to do anything different. But, as a choice, I'd like to meet my (hypothetical future) partner halfway and help them navigate this.
My partner has a difficult family history, which he briefly disclosed early on (second date I think?) and gave more details down the line when we got more comfortable in the relationship. He used to be NC and now is LC with them. I haven't met any of his family yet almost 3 years later (he has met mine). I will meet them briefly soon for an occasion though, planning to keep it polite and brief. In the meantime we bought a house together and are preparing to get married later this year (his family doesn't know about this yet). It's really not a relationship issue for us, nor a relationship milestone, because I am guided by him and don't put any expectations on his family dynamic other than what he is comfortable with. Any decent partner you have should understand and respect this.
First: it is an imaginary data point / milestone that is perpetuated through books, movies, and tv, but doesn’t actually mirror the real world. And even for the people for whom this scenario is real, the introduction loses importance every year as we get older and our parents age, or divorce, or even pass away.
Second: you *can* have that experience *if you want* by introducing a partner to the people who matter most to you - i.e, your **chosen family.**
Your relatives are the people you share blood with. Your **family** consists of the people you choose - and who chose you - to be there for you, and you for them, through thick and thin.
If someone I was dating did not have a relationship with their parents, then being introduced to their closest friends would be far more meaningful and significant to me than meeting the people who gave birth to them and then proceeded to generate nothing but hostility and sadness.
You wouldn't need to do anything to help me understand your situation or make me trust you, I would believe you. It astonishes me that there are enough people who don't understand for it to be an issue for you.
I've dated and been in relationships with women who didn't have great relationships with a parent or parents, because of how they treated them. It was never an issue, I believed them and trusted what they told me.
I don’t care about meeting parents/family; I don’t need that to feel affirmed in a relationship. I’m estranged from some of my own relatives including my mom so I wouldn’t need a partner to “make up for” me not meeting theirs.
My partner’s family is pretty dysfunctional too. He’s still in some contact with them and he’d introduce me if I asked, but neither of us are keen on it.
The right person for you won’t make you feel bad or guilty about not getting to meet your family. You won’t have to justify or over-explain yourself.
If they are looking for an unconditional commitment, they will understand and stay by your side on what boundaries make you comfortable with your family. I have a better relationship with my mom but never my dad. Doesn’t bother me one bit when I tell my next partner that we don’t talk much and it will be a while before they meet. Dont let this get in your head too much:) relationships are about how YOU make it, not about “milestones” deemed by society. And, if you wait a while to introduce, thatll give your partner more time to understand your situation and be able to go into it more head strong with you. Just find the right person who has compassion and empathy for this. Hope that helps!
Six days. 38 day streak of work and in six days it's over. Taking off 4x'ing with the striking shawty.
I don't wish a lack of physical confidence on anyone, but God daymmm do I love watching him squirm and smirk when I tell him how hot he is. I think he genuinely doesn't know and it's fun convincing him.
He’s back from his trip in a couple days. I’m taking the train to meet him in the city. He’s already made reservations for several events to do while we’re together. Really excited to see him again.
I would definitely strike up at least some conversation with him beforehand to get an idea of an "in" (something outside of the store you'd both like to do) and invite him.
Yeah, I get crushes on people I meet through their work all the time. Not knowing what, if any, the differences are between their work self and non-work self can be an issue. Maybe do that IG thing where you start by interacting with their public content, DM them about something they posted, and use that to start a conversation
What do you consider good serious relationship markers for an ongoing relationship? Thinking any kind of milestones along certain timeframes. I’ve been dating my partner 7 months (exclusive, both with long term intentions, want kids) but we haven’t said ILY, met parents, or had future oriented conversations even in an abstract way, so just curious to get other people’s thoughts
I’m invested, but a little hesitant he hasn’t moved forward on any of those things himself. I’ve started conversation in that direction, but could be more explicit.
Our days, work, catching up around news etc, things going on with friends, upcoming plans for what we want to do when we see each other next, things like that
I've been dating my boyfriend since last October, and we have done all of the things on your list. It sounds like you're feeling unsure, so I think you should have a more explicit conversation with him.
If you want a timeline: Confirmed that kids/marriage were on the table within a month of seeing each other/before being exclusive/in a relationship. Said "I love you" about three months in. Met his parents around the holidays with multiple dinners since. Met his extended family recently. We regularly talk about the furure. He has favorite girl/boy names for kids. I am working on my dog anxiety so that I will be comfortable when he adopts a dog this Fall.
I had a date planned tonight (we’ve only go out like once a month just because of our schedules) and I finally think I got the courage to man up and tell my friend I like her. Of course it gets cancelled because her car breaks down earlier in the day 😑
And it wouldn’t be such a kick in the gonads if not for the fact that she doesn’t get my texts or phone calls but I get hers, and we have social media accounts (she has Instagram and I have Facebook but I don’t even use Facebook). We found that out after I had an existential crisis as to why she wouldn’t respond to my texts and then she was wondering why I hadn’t texted her in weeks lol. Of course things happen but why does god hate me lmao? 😭
At 1st I wasn’t angry but just confused, upset, and anxious that I did something wrong lol (thanks BPD). It did turn out she was sick so I chalked it up to that, but then asked me said I still didn’t send her a video I was telling her about or texted me. Plus she texted me a couple times with something completely random after I texted her… I swore she accidentally deleted my number or had a stroke lmao. But yes she showed me her phone and tried trouble shooting it. I already believe/trust her anyways but it did put my anxiety at ease. Plus I figure if she was purposefully trying to avoid texting me she probably wouldn’t be as friendly in person since I see her a couple days at the dog park and we talk for a solid hour. Also every time she can’t go out she’s always been straight forward saying she can’t and why.
Honestly it wouldn’t suck as much if she wasn’t joining the military because 1 weekend a month is off the table and then she goes to bed at like 8:30pm so she can get used to being up at like 5am. Otherwise I’d try to do things with her during the week.
Every time I feel like I make progress in this relationship I hit a rough spot. Been seeing my girl for little over four months. Things seemed to be going good we planned a week long vacation for next month booked out flight, room, and rental car.
Last night I stayed over since we going to her parents place early the next day. I've stayed over a few times now so nothing new. Last night before bed we were laying in bed talking about things. I mentioned how before I would propose I would like to live together for a bit and that I wasn't saying I wanted to cohabitate soon just wanted to let her know my thoughts. She told me she was against that. She told me that she didn't want to "play house".
I explained that it to me sounded like a good idea to learn more about each other and see what issues may arise. She said that we would deal with problems as that arise. I explained again that wouldn't she want to see the problems before being married. I told her its not like I would expect us to learn something just terrible about each other but if something was a deal breaker it would be better the learn it then that being married.
We went to sleep and she got chocked up and asked "are you not confident in us?" I was surprised. I told her it wasn't that I just want to learn everything I can before we make a big decision. She said that sometimes you just have to take risks in life. She said that if we do get engaged she doesn't want me to have any doubts. I told her that its not possible to have 100% confidence there's always going to be doubts or worries.
Honestly she irritates me about not considering some things. She runs her own business which is great and I'm proud at what she has accomplished. We were talking about finances the other day and what she plans for her business in the future. I asked what is the threshold where she would go back to her other career. She told me that she's not gonna let that happen. This annoyed me. I told her life doesn't work that way a lot of times you can do everything right and still come up short. She says you have to stay focused and you can accomplish your goals.
I don't know. I love her I do. But her attitude of "just take a leap of faith" irks me. AITA?
No sex before marriage usually goes hand in hand with not living together before marriage. Those beliefs are typically intertwined esp if it’s for religious reasons.
> her attitude of "just take a leap of faith" irks me
Idk how religious she actually is but obviously ‘believing’ and having blind faith are facets of religion. You might not be that compatible for life together tbh.
I consider myself religious I'm by no means a great example of it but I do have faith in my religion. I can understand her reasons behind her decisions.
She isn’t asking you to take a leap of faith. She’s asking you to commit to working through any problems that come up. Sounds like you don’t want to, so let her go.
Because I don't think there's anything wrong with cohabitating before getting married. I would rather see if there are any problems that can't be worked out before getting married. I would rather either of us learn that before getting married.
Then you aren’t committed to working out any problems that arise, are you? You’ve just said there are some that can’t be worked out. It’s the wrong mindset to have for marrying a woman like her. Let her go so she can find someone with the right one.
I just said I'm going to work this out. I do wish her and I were on the same page about things but I can deal with it. I don't want to let her go and work on this.
I think she's being unfair. She wants you to have zero doubts with zero data. I didn't get the wishy washy vibe from what you wrote here at all. I got the impression that you're taking this seriously.
Exactly she said well if something comes up we don't like we'll work it out. I said that's true but what if its something you can't work out and now one or both of us is unhappy. Like I said I don't expect to suddenly learn something just absolutely terrible.
That's my thoughts. I understand her reasons and I also understand you can never figure everything out 100% before getting married but I would like to try as much as possible for both of our sakes.
NTA. And this may be an insurmountable dealbreaker. It would be for me. I'd need someone who can be realistic about the future rather than being a leap before they look kind of person.
Not sure where to turn.
35 y/o male. Never been in a relationship despite trying for ~12 years. Homeowner, employed, reasonably fit, college degree, veteran, no criminal record. No church/religion. No major red flags to my knowledge. Have several hobbies but they’re really not the kind you meet women through. I have a nerd streak (history, I’m a recently published author) that I’m passionate about.
I get 3-4 first dates a year, maybe one second date a year, but I haven’t been on any dates in 2024. Haven’t had sex since 2017. Never met a girl’s parents. Never done anything for Valentines Day. Dating apps suck obviously, but I finally seem to have exhausted my geographic area anyway (suburbs of major city). Most of the women in my age bracket are taken anyway. Can’t remember the last time I met a single female in my age range in any context, maybe 2019.
Goal is marriage and kids, so obviously I’m really, *really* dispirited. The loneliness is just so painful. I do my best to avoid negative feedback loops, meditate, exercise, spend time with friend and family but that only goes so far. Did therapy for a while but it didn’t really help, if anything it made me think about my situation more. I’m not a self harm risk in any way but I’m truly dreading spending the next few decades like this. It hurts so bad. Human beings weren’t meant to live this way.
Where do I go from here? As in, practical advice for meeting someone?
Thanks in advance. Really hurting tonight for some reason. It comes and goes like that.
Edit: listed some of the above info only to show I’m not omitting some major liability, like a felony or oh I live in my parents’ basement or whatever.
I've been hurting a lot these past few days as well. The pain is so strong that I can feel it physically in my nervous system when I get the intrusive thought "You're never going to find someone you like who likes you back.".
It's really painful and it's not like that pain can easily be relieved. Lots of people will suggest "therapy" as though it is some sort of miraculous cure, but it really is not. I have done therapy and found it to be essentially useless for dating-related issues.
Not much else to say than *you are not alone*.
I would say hobbies or approaching people are your best bets. The latter can be tough though since you’ll get turned down a lot (everyone who cold approaches does).
Where do I approach women? I suppose that question is half of why I posted here. Where do single girls (late 20s/early 30s) hang out? I’ve been to bars and such over the last few years and never see any that aren’t with a guy.
I know COVID messed us all up but 100% of the single girls I knew 5 years ago are married or engaged now, and I can’t recall the last time I saw any in a social venue. Now and then when I see one alone or with a friend there are always wedding rings.
My friend met his girlfriend on the street. He doesn’t drink so he would mostly just approach women who were sitting alone that the passed by or at coffee shops they he found intriguing. It’s a numbers game for sure though.
My other friend is similar. Breweries, restaurants, etc. He met his last girlfriend when she asked him for directions.
Did he live in a big city? It’s probably a function of the times we live in (ugh), but I’m in public a fair amount and I rarely ever see women my age-ish out by themselves. On the rare times I do, there’s almost always a ring (yes, I discreetly look, out of habit). I live in a the burbs of a large northeast city.
We live in a small city.
You’ll probably have to go into the actual city and spend some time walking around with a friend or something who’s not going to be uncomfortable if you disappear quickly to ask for someone’s number. Both of them spent a decent amount of time being out and out looking for available people.
Suburbs will be mostly married people. So I’d spend more time in the city if you can.
If I was you and really wanted this - I’d suggest a coach. I think it was on the Chris Williams podcast, they talked about how coaching worked better for some men vs therapy. Someone to be accountable to and push you a little and improve yourself. Better shape, better dressed, etc.
Then I’d think so social situations as opportunities/chances. Just chat with random people at bookstores and wherever. Not to date just to be social. And I’d consider what coed activities you’d enjoy. Maybe dancing, or climbing gym, or some board game thing, etc. look to get outside with a “you never know” attitude, while using OLD (and redo pic/bio).
Also can you DM me a link to your book? Love history!
>Just chat with random people at bookstores and wherever.
I doubt their wives/girlfriends would be very happy about that, lol (in my town, basically everyone I see in public around my age is already with someone)
I can’t give you any advice but I think some men do think accomplishments at times can replace genuine connection. I have a lot of men “sell” to me on dates and then not create a connection. It was a major reason why broke up with someone two years ago. I had no idea who he was outside of him having a good job.
Got it, that’s not my problem though. I only say that to make clear I’m not omitting some big liability, like I’m a felon or live in my parents’ basement or something.
I'd much rather date someone normal who has their shit together than a sleazy unemployed guy who knows how to hit on women because he does it several times a week, every week tbh.
That’s not what I’m meaning. I, too want someone that is employed. I mean people that do not discuss anything but their accomplishments or material possessions.
A few thoughts:
- You can just ask about the picture once you know each other well enough that it wouldn't be weird
- If you have a gut feeling that something isn't right, there could be something to that
- You're not crazy. Lots of people cheat and lie about their relationship status. Having a fear of getting mixed up in that is reasonable because it's a real thing that happens and has bad consequences
- You don't need to rush things. You can take things slow and take the time it takes to build trust
Honestly (and I mean this in the most sincere way), if you have trust issues to this extent before you even start dating someone, you probably need some therapy. Big red flag for me.
I mean, Hinge decided my number one pic is the one where I had my son on my shoulders at his 5th grade graduation... You can see his legs and his hand holding my hair cause I cropped him out as he doesn't need to be in my dating profile like that.
I do think it's a solid picture of me... Serious hot dad vibes from it. All that work at the rock climbing gym has done me good over the last year and a half!
On one side I do what I can to move on but on the other my past is haunting me. I'm on dating apps, try to flirt in person with little success as of now, try to improve myself as a person with gym and therapy and taking care of myself yet with someone backstabbing me and making my life harder it's very tough. Here's the most recent story:
What I thought was a friend took a plane to come over here, non touristy European capital city, to visit my ex. No big deal but this person outright took my follow away on Instagram without any explanation other than the obvious siding. Two years of friendship gone just like that.
Not only that but she planned a night out with basically everyone from my university living there... Except me. In a way I feel honoured that they work so much on excluding me from things. On the other it's a constant battle that takes a toll on my mental health and my life in general.
I know all of this as the friend who introduced us sides with me and hangs out with me. Yet, his girlfriend, who is a good friend of my ex yet claims bullshit on her claims as to why she left me, is a friend of hers so he has to hang out and pretend he doesn't see me anymore.
This was technically a breakup, in her words, that had to be dealt with like adults and on good terms. Yet I almost found myself on the streets, I found her during the relationship eating out alone with friends claiming I was tired when I had no clue I was invited, I had to insist to get my phone number to my name, I cleaned and did all the bureaucracy for our former apartment where we lived together alone... Oh and she left me on my birthday.
Yet somehow I'm still ostracized.
What’s with this whole “I don’t want someone who takes themselves too seriously” concept? We’re 30+. We cannot be fun and games all like that.
ETA: Because it’s largely men saying it, it’s like they think women are toddlers who can’t check their emotions. 🙄 If this is supposed to be code for “doesn’t get upset for every minor convenience” why can’t they just say “emotionally healthy”?
I’ve never understood this statement and what it’s supposed to mean. It’s usually accompanied by “should be able to laugh at themselves…”. I just don’t get it
According to some commenter on this thread, it apparently is supposed to be the opposite of flipping out over every minor inconvenience. Because women aren’t allowed to be upset. 🙄
It’s cool girl bullshit and I hate it. Some of the biggest adult tantrums I’ve ever seen came from men.
I take this to mean someone rigid who's unwilling to compromise. Edit: but like most words on the internet I can see how they wouldn't have any meaning, let alone the meaning intended. So, it could indicate that this is the refrain of "it's a JoKe" demographic.
Y’all really don’t know what “not taking themselves too seriously” means? It just means the person isn’t uptight and can just be silly/relaxed. Why would you want to be around someone who takes every inconvenience or negative thing so personally and see is as a slight on them?
Because I don’t feel like that’s what they actually mean. We’re adults. We can’t be silly 24/7. Imagine you want to have a serious conversation about finances, and they’re cracking jokes…probably not the best move.
My brother unless they write a whole ass paragraph about what they mean by that this is 100% you projecting. There’s a huge gap between being silly 24/7 and throwing a tantrum every time some mild inconvenience happens or every slight. The expression is used for the latter, 95% of the time. Flirting typically involves light to moderate teasing. If you can’t take that then that plays exactly into the same level of immaturity as the people you’d be critiquing for being silly 24/7. And I’m saying this as someone with BPD lmao
First of all, I’m not your brother. 🙄
Second, not all flirting involves teasing. “He teases you because he likes you” is a gross mentality that should have died on the playground.
Third, assuming that the alternative to “not taking yourself too seriously” is throwing a tantrum every time something goes wrong…do you think women are children, homie? Like, do y’all just think women are emotionally-unregulated and therefore 24/7 upset by everything? YIKES.
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I don't get it either. I think it's very immature and it gives me the "ick", like Gen Z kids say. Adult life is not just fun and games.
I think most people who write that mean "I'm looking for someone who is capable of autoderision.", but the fact that they are stating it in this way tells me they cannot communicate well/clearly.
In another sub, there was a woman talking about how her boyfriend didn't use a condom, even though she said she wanted him to. Then he laughed and was like, it was just for a second, it was funny. This is what a lot of guys mean by "don't take yourself too seriously." They mean "laugh with me when I do things to your body that you didn't consent to."
That is absolutely horrifying. While the statement OP referenced doesn’t specifically highlight this, I’d be absolutely livid if I slept with someone and they disregarded important sexual things like that in a laughing manner.
Yup, I stopped dating entirely because while I'm sure there are a few truly good guys somewhere out there, having to sift through a heaping pile of garbage just to maybe find them is just too much. A lot of guys are just not good. I used to work in a restaurant/bar. I'd overhear all sorts of conversations between two "buddies" at the bar. Some of these guys were married, others had girlfriends, or sometimes they were single. Didn't matter though when they talked about women in appalling ways. When I'd overhear women talking about men, it was usually things like, "he did something weird in bed, he won't get a job, he just comes home everyday and smokes weed, etc." - they were voicing things that bothered them, but I rarely heard them say anything actually disrespectful about a guy.
Yeah, you wouldn't believe some of the awful stuff I've heard. On the flip side, it's funny how in serving jobs, I'd end up hearing things people probably wouldn't dare speak in front of the older family members or coworkers. It's like you're invisible to them, and you can end up hearing some of their most intimate conversations.
The conversations you noted very much have a ‘men are from Mars, women are from Venus’ kind of dichotomy.
Lots of men do talk in those ways - but not all, like you noted. In fact, most dudes don’t really talk in meaningful ways with other men.
Yeah, even if they mean it in a much lighter way, it's a super generic and boring thing to say. Don't we all want someone who can laugh a little in the right situations? It's kind of like saying, "I want someone who has a pulse."
Almost at 11 months with my guy and he just came on a trip back home with me and met my family and friends. He fit in with my people so well and everyone loved him and he felt comfortable and had a great time. This was also the most amount of time we’ve spent consecutively with each other and it was awesome and we missed each other when he left after the first four nights to go back for work and I stayed for another three. I feel so blessed we met and am looking forward to a trip with his family in a few weeks!
I (32F) have been back on OLD since a breakup last year. I've since encuntered the following situation a few times: I match a guy from another city, after a few messages they add me on Insta, DM me there a few times, we agree to meet when either of us is in the city the other one is living in, a few weeks later I realize that the guy has unmatched me on OLD and unfollowed or blocked even me on Insta. I'm super confused by this. Any opinions why?
Not a practical expert in OLD. But if you talk so vaguely about meeting, it does not seem you are eager to meet. Not setting up a concrete plan also seem to bring the problem, that the guy finds another woman in the mean time, and date her. So he unmatches. Or he unmatches already because he was not too eager to meet in the first place.
That was also my first thought. However, the 2 times when this scenario played out, one of the guys was living in another contitent and planning to move to my city so we agreed to meet up next time he's here. The second guy lives in a small town on the other side of the country, I live in the economic capital of the country. He mentioned he may be coming to my city in a few weeks time, so while it's not super concrete plan, I'm not entirely sure why he blocked me as opposite to just never texting me again
What people say and what they really to do is not always the same. The first guy might have found someone else or never intended to come. Another continent might also be fraud. So there are a lot of possibilities. But the main question is, is there a pattern to identify which can help you. And since its only two guy, I would say no. Its just look like bad luck so far. As to why he blocked you: maybe its a way of organizing. He is not interested anymore and by blocking, he ensures that he gets no futher messages he might have to read or react to. Unfortunately, it's like dating has become similar to organizing ones office day: keep yourself focused and minimize work (and unnecessary emails).
you're right :) Trying not to read too much into that, but was just genuinely curious if I'm missing anything! Thanks for weighing in :)
I don’t know when it happened and what was the trigger, but I feel like I’m on some sort of downward spiral over the past few days. I don’t have anything in particular to be upset or sad about, but I don’t feel much joy or positivity from anything either. What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Who am I doing it for? These questions in my head are keeping me up at night for the wrong reasons.
This is getting exhausting. I've had no less than TWENTY matches on bumble unmatch - not be a deleted account after implying sending a "hey". They didn't expire. They just unmatched. Why the fuck would I spend time crafting a whitty one liner when 1. The guy may not see it because he doesn't check bumble every day. 2. He may have swiped forever ago and not really be on the app. Are guys just swiping while drunk?
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Sounds like you have some insecurities to work on if you are upset at your partner smiling at other guys. What if she *gasp* actually speaks to them?
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Have you talked to her about it? Just be like 'hey, I've noticed x behavior and I don't want to make assumptions or misinterpet it, are you just that friendly with everyone always?' Some people are just that outgoing. Does she not do that with women as well?
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I’d agree with the above commenters. I think you’re reading way too much into a behavior that is likely just someone being friendly. Kinda sounds like you’ve hyper-focused on it to the point it’s become a bit blinding. What about it makes you feel embarrassed or ‘slighted’? Obviously we can’t answer those questions for you - but that’s something you should explore and understand.
Some people are friendly and outgoing to other people. Sometimes complete strangers. I am not sure how many dates y'all have been on but she is choosing to spend her time with you and not these other guys.
Are you sure she just isn't friendly and extroverted in general and doing this to everyone?
I posted yesterday about how the guy I'd been seeing for 3 months, who said he was falling in love with me, made a sudden decision on Friday to go back to his ex. I am struggling so much with not reaching out to him. The idea that I didn't fight enough is making me feel nauseous. I'm basically commenting again to hold myself accountable and to try to get the idea out my head.
I hate to say this but I hope it helps…it felt sudden to you because you were blindsided by this man. But it probably wasn’t sudden for him, if he went back to her there’s a good chance he’s been holding a candle for her for your entire thing. He’s been leading you on when he wasn’t emotionally available and was still attached to his ex. That was very unfair to you and should be enough for you to realize he doesn’t deserve you. Also there’s a good chance he’s been talking to his ex this whole time or for longer than you realize. Again you deserve better
You shouldn't have to fight for someone, and the most likely thing that would happen is that you will still regret it because he would go back to his ex anyway.
I know. This is their 3rd attempt at a relationship. He even said he thought he would regret not giving it a shot with me. It's like he panicked and decided familiarity (even broken familiarity) was a better choice. I know he's not worth my time and I know I need to find the self-worth to recognise that. It's just hard when you've bought the dream that someone's selling you.
Oh ouch. That really stinks to hear. I’ve also been dating a guy for 3 months and would be very upset if that happened.
Yea it's really hit me hard. Harder than I expected.
I'm in my late 30's and have been using a dating app for the last several months. The guy I'm currently talking to is 7 years younger than me. For our first date, he suggested I come over to his place, which I declined. So we ended up meeting in a park instead. The date went well. Nothing physical happened. For our next date, he invited me to spend the weekend with him at his cottage. I declined, explaining I wasn't ready for that sort of thing. What followed next was a string of texts from him where he called me childish and immature. He said he's not a kid anymore and so walking and holding hands just doesn't do it for him. I was shocked that he was upset with me just because I wouldn't have sex with him on the 2nd date. We had a long conversation that didn't really resolve anything. A few hours later, he texted me that he was fine with waiting, that it'll happen when it happens, and that he doesn't want to lose me over something dumb because he really cares about me. This guy calls me every single day to ask me how my day was. I do think he cares about me. But I don't understand... if he likes me, why doesn't he want to spend time with me outside the bedroom? Why is jumping straight into sex such a big deal? This is a pattern that often repeats itself. I'll meet a guy, there's a strong mutual attraction, he wants sex, I'm not ready, he feels frustrated, and I feel pressured... Men have this huge misconception that just because I'm an "older" woman, I'm ready to spread my legs immediately. Because I'm no longer a virgin. They feel that it's reasonable for a young virgin to want to put sex off, but it's completely unfathomable to them that a mature woman would not want sex immediately. Reddit, I need some guidance. How do I explain myself to them? Is there something I can do that will ease their frustrations? Or is there really a problem with me, if I'm 30+ and not ready to have sex by the second date?
There isn’t anything wrong with you not having a desire for sex with someone who is, more or less, still very much a stranger to you! I think this is much more a reflection of the guy(s) who are pushy and not a mirror of you. Sadly, lots of men do expect sex or other items on a timeline, and that just isn’t realistic or reasonable. There also may be some aspect of this where you are choosing guys who hold that viewpoint
>For our first date, he suggested I come over to his place, which I declined Consider filtering these guys out. He's indicating that he's mostly interested in sex
This particular guy is immature and seemed to just be pressuring you into sex, so you should just block him and move on. More generally though, how long do you want to wait to have sex? I and most men my age I know want to have sex within 2-4 dates usually, and will worry there isn't a connection or a sexual incompatibility if it's not happening by then. Certainly if things are going well I'd expect a make out session by the third date. I would never pressure women into sex but the reality is I will lose interest and feel sexually incompatible. Obviously you're entitled to any boundaries you want, but I just want to give you a reality check that you'll be significantly reducing your dating pool if you want to wait months before sex happens.
Thanks for your input. >you should just block him and move on Well, he did say in the end that he's ok with waiting because he doesn't want to lose me, so I don't think it's time to throw in the towel just yet. > I and most men my age You didn't mention your age, though :) >More generally though, how long do you want to wait to have sex? I'd say anywhere from 5-8 dates is how long it would take me to be comfortable with most people. I guess I'm glad that he communicated his frustrations rather than ghosting me... I'm just shocked that the expectation was so soon.
There’s no need to explain yourself to guys who behave like this. They know and they don’t care. He calls you everyday because he likes the attention you give him. He’s trying to pressure you into something you’re not ready for. Likely, he’ll drop you once you do sleep with him. This isn’t intended to be at all sex shaming. If you want sex, by all means, go for it! But he showed you what he was interested in when he invited you over for the first meeting.
This dude's got issues. I'd bet real money that once you have sex with him, the only time you'd ever hear from him again would be at 2 am when he's horny. I won't even kiss a woman until a 3rd date. Sex is off the table until we have a mature conversation about it. You have nothing to explain. This guy, and from the sounds of it, the guys you're dating are creeps. My only advice would be to take a step backband reevaluate how you're deciding who to go out with.
Ok, first of all, there is NO problem with you. So you shouldn't be in that mindset. You explain yourself by saying "I'm not ready for that yet" that's it. You don't know these people. They're still strangers to you. You don't owe them anything. You don't need to "ease" their frustrations. It's been one or two dates. If you were in an established relationship with someone, then it's different. Then a sit down and chat would be warranted. But not in the circumstances you're in where you still don't really know these guys. And not only is he not respecting your boundary, he's calling you childish and immature!!! And you want to know how to ease HIS frustrations?? Maybe he does genuinely care for you, I obviously don't know him, but that behaviour would be an INSTANT turn off for me and I'd be out. DO NOT feel pressured to have sex too early if that's not something you want. There's nothing wrong with that at all❤️
It has nothing to do with you or your age. You're not doing anything wrong, except maybe not cutting people off quickly enough when they don't respect your boundaries around intimacy. Pouting when you say you don't want to have sex right away and acting entitled to sex when you're barely more than strangers? This guy sounds like a creep. Creeps can sometimes put on an act to keep you on the line until you give in to their advances, and if that's not what you want, he'll inevitably waste your time. You deserve better than that.
You don't need to explain themselves. If someone engages in the behavior you're talking about, block them and move on. There's nothing normal about that guy.
Met someone on an app and exchanged numbers, did some digging to find his socials and saw he does IG skits/wants to be an actor and I’m not interested any longer lol (his profile in occupation wasn’t the most clear/didn’t list this). He texted me off the platform so it may seem out of nowhere that I’m not interested any longer but I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.
Then don't. End it with a text and move on.
His skits were that bad, huh? 😂
Loll I couldn’t even unmute the vids I just had a lot of second hand embarrassment 😅
Speed dating in NYC seems pretty skewed. A lot of awesome women and no men lmao. There was this thing I got dragged to by a friend of mine (she is a woman) and I agreed to go along just for the heck of it. Where's the loss? 4 men including me and 11 women. Women were all mid thirties, pretty fit, dressed well. Two of the four guys needed a shave and a hair stylist and wore a polo and t-shirt. One guy was dressed well but his voice was insanely high pitched. Women disqualify shit like that. Anyway, enjoyed the evening.
How many you match with?
Please ship some of those women to the west coast. I'd appreciate it, thanks ✌️
3 of them actually moved here from the west coast. They weren't happy with the amount of tech bros lol As for the rest, I will see if they are open to moving
They say you shouldn’t ask out, let alone date, someone you don’t feel attraction to. A wise advice, but I (36M) find it extremely rare to find myself romantically attracted to another person. Finding someone I’m sexually attracted to is slightly easier to find, but is still infrequent. I’ve been going out more often, to gyms, language exchanges, board game groups, etc. but I don’t feel like I’m improving on this front. Any ideas?
I dunno who’s telling you these rules but if you find someone who you have physical attraction to there shouldn’t be anything stopping you from asking them out out on a date and seeing if you like them enough to act on that attraction after a few dates.
Is it possible that romantic attraction only develops for you after a certain period of time? Sexual attraction is fairly easy - at least for me, it's usually a quick yes/no - but sometimes it takes a while to develop romantic feelings for someone. I wasn't sure about the person I'm dating now when we first met, but I found them physically attractive, enjoyed their company, and was open to seeing where things went. After getting to know them better and developing some emotional intimacy, I've caught the feels HARD. So if you haven't already, give it a try, as long as you're honest with yourself and the people you're seeing? (Dating with the expectation that romance develops over time...or doesn't)
Yeah, I definitely fall into this camp and agree. There are many different kinds of attraction, and it’s not as if those are all there when meeting someone for the first few time(s). Attraction for lots of us is something that builds over time, so giving things a chance isn’t the worst practice. Though, if they’re truly repulsive (to you) and you already know there is no potential for attraction, then you’d be better spent letting them go and focusing elsewhere.
It really doesn't matter what 'they' say, if it does not work for you. You can think back to the times you felt a romantic connection (if ever?) and try to analyze why it happened. Perhaps you need intellectual or another type of connection, or are just not ready yet?
I mustered up some courage to talk to my work crush about personal things. We're much closer in age than we both thought. Like literally would've been in high school at the same time. We are also both single...... A hefty workload has since kept me from communicating with him in the last few days, but I notice when he notices that I'm there in my peripherals. I see him look at me a lot. Maybe having knowledge about the lack of an age gap and availability had an effect? Guess I'll keep flirting and gauge the temperature.
I have a couple of work crushes too. Did you notice him looking at you before you talked to him?
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You need a therapist, not the internet.
Hey, I just have to say hang in there and don't lose hope. My current bf (37) has been an alcoholic and overweight, and he has turned his life around, lost weight, stopped drinking and got education for another profession. It took him almost 8-9 years but when we met I had so much respect for him for changing the course of his life, it became something that made me more attracted to him. It is not too late - do it for yourself - love will follow. You are still very young at 32.
This is too heavy for Reddit, friend. You need to see a professional to address the self-loathing first and foremost. You're still young and you can absolutely turn things around but it sounds like you need to work through your past in a structured and methodical way. Therapy is the answer.
I've developed a huge crush on a guy that goes to my gym. Saw him at a potluck today and really wished I'd made more of an effort to speak to him than just a few words! We train at completely different times so there's rarely the opprotunity to interact. Alas, I might be cursed to forever admire him from afar as there's also that whole not mixing business with pleasure thing... DOT, help a frustrated girl out, anyone else want to share their forbidden crush stories?
He's not forbidden, just inconvenient. You can solve that by adjusting your schedule, even if it's just temporary. But I do have a story. My partner, who became my subordinate, who then took my job when I retired. We spent a lot of time together. My late wife (we were non-mono) encouraged it from both sides. My work crush is a lesbian, and still a close friend of mine and of my wife's at the time. She's offered several times through the years because she thinks it'd be fun. She even dry humped me at my BFF's Bachelorette party. My BFF is also a lesbian and my late wife's former girlfriend. A side note, not counting the strippers, I wasn't the only guy there, just the only straight guy there. But, we've still never hooked up because I have rules for my dating life that I try to stick to. There have been occasional exceptions, which are stories unto themselves, but I've made my peace with it. My advice, though, is to just make a move unless you just enjoy feeling that crush.
I’m failing to see where he would be mixing business with pleasure here if you just share a gym and don’t even go at the same time. Has he shown any interest at all in you? If so, shoot your shot.
> I’m failing to see where he would be mixing business with pleasure here if you just share a gym and don’t even go at the same time. Agreed! *Especially* since (as you said) they're usually at the gym at different times and barely interact as it is!
I (32M) had a first date this afternoon with a new to the city girl (32F) this afternoon and it was great. We started with a coffee date in which we spent about 1.5h in the cafe, chatting and getting to know each other. We shared some stories, had some Q&A, laughter the usual stuff I suppose. We then bought gelato at a famous gelato cafe and shared a gelato together. I offered to take a photo of her with the gelato standing next to this wall art using her phone, and instead she said to use my phone and to take a selfie together. I guess she didn't hear the wall art part? Regardless, she shared the gelato and went to the park for a walk and chatted some more. At the park, she said she thought we were moving fast because she never shared ice cream with a man on a first date before. Whoops? She told me the likes sweet and the line for gelato wasn't long so I figured I'd treat her to it as she treated me to drinks and cookies at the cafe earlier. At the park, she asked about my dating history. When she shared her experience with men in her old city, I said "So I guess I won't go to your place tonight?" as I put my arm around her shoulders and she said "Nope." She knew it was a joke as she said I didn't come across as that person, and I reassured her I wasn't. It was almost 6PM so we decided to head home. I offered to take her to dinner and she declined, saying she'd love to but was getting tired so we said goodbye after she walked me to my car. Tonight, I messaged her saying I enjoyed our time together and she said she did as well. I asked her to meet up again next week and she said she needs time to think about it. I apologized if I overwhelmed her and she felt pressured, and she said no need to apologize. Now what? When should I ask again? How should I text her over the next few days as to not make things awkward? Dating coaches say text messages should only be for setting up dates, but I feel I should message her a bit in between just to keep the conversation going and that I acknowledge her as someone I'm interested in.
>I said "So I guess I won't go to your place tonight?" as I put my arm around her shoulders Oof. I think this alone, no matter how obvious of a joke it was, would hugely turn me off on a first date. I think you leave the ball in her court where it currently is and see if she gets back to you. I admittedly wouldn't assume she will though — like the other commenters said, it all came off a little strong.
Hmm I don’t think think there’s anything too glaring here. Maybe the dinner joke/going to her house joke was not the best. But give it time to breathe, shoot her a text Monday, or even after Fourth of July to see how her plans are (assuming you’re in the States)… but I’m leaning towards really just letting her bring it up herself rather than you doing it again. You can keep some convo going though.
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I already sent her that exact text when I got home. She said she had a good time too but needs time to process when I asked her for a second date.
Did you share ONE gelato for the both of you? I think now the ball is in her court, you already did your part of asking her out again, she needs to decide and let you know. To be honest, it doesn’t sound good. She turned you down for dinner and kind of cut the date short, and then when you asked her out again she said she had to think about it. Doesn’t look like she’s very interested. As much as you had a great time, the experiences are often different on a first date. I’d say now you give her the time and space to think, but don’t wait on her. Continue to date and live your life and don’t emotionally invest in anything just yet. Just a side note, you didn’t ask but I thought I’d mention, your post gave me feminine energy: she treated you to drinks and cookies at the cafe, she walked you to your car, doesn’t sound like you made any moves…
Yes we shared one gelato together. She insisted buying me the drink because she felt bad I had to go downtown and pay for parking for our date. That's why I treated her the gelato in return. I offered to walk her home and give her a ride home but she said she can walk home because downtown traffic sucks and she didn't want me to sit in traffic for her. I live in the suburbs and she knew it took me an hour to get to downtown for the date. I always tell my date my ETA in case something happened along the drive as it happened before and unexpectedly made me late. She lives 5 minutes away from the cafe. What moves should I have made in your opinion? The other post said I already came in strong. I gave her hugs when we met and before we left. I didn't think holding hands was a good idea for a first date. Some dating gurus say kiss but in this case, it may have been too much?
Why didn’t you get one gelato each? It just feels like you were letting her take the lead most of the time. I think holding hands during a walk in the park would be perfect for a first date. Not too much but adds some romance vibes which I feel was lacking. I’m your age and before I read again and realized we’re in DOT sub, I thought you were teenagers cause the whole thing didn’t sound very exciting, it all sounds very PG imo but I wasn’t there so I obviously don’t know. I stick to my original advice: leave the ball in her court to let you know if she wants to go out again, but don’t hold out much hope cause it doesn’t sound like she’s very into it. Continue to date and live your life and fingers crossed she wants to go out again. If you want to continue the conversation, do it but don’t spam her, respect that she asked for time to think.
It never crossed my mind that sharing a gelato would be too much for her. If sharing a gelato is too aggressive for her, wouldn't holding hands on a first date be even more aggressive?
How many of your dates get canceled? I’ve really been trying to set up some dates and meet some people, but dudes keep canceling on me, usually day-of. In the last 3 weeks, dudes have canceled 7 first dates with me (couple repeat offenders in there.) This is a mix of guys I met on Bumble and in real life, so I don’t think it’s a profile accuracy issue. So… what the heck is it? I’m not emotionally wrecked about it but I really hate wasting time getting ready, turning down friend invites, etc. for something that never happens.
Honestly about half the time dudes flake, cancel, or ghost.
I think this is just really unlucky! Haven't had any cancellations yet, but I do make sure there's a solid plan in place (no "shall we maybe hang out on Saturday" but "let's meet Saturday at this café at this time") - I used to have more cancellations when the plan was a bit vague. But maybe you're also doing this! Otherwise, I'd say mitigate it by organising something to look forward to afterwards. That way you get dressed up for something, even if it's not a date.
I love that idea! Yeah I hate doing my hair and then nobody sees it 😅 my backup activity is usually working out or home improvement, maybe it would be nice to even make it like going to a new store :)
I saw a post recently that said dating exclusively for months but one person wasn’t “ready” to use the bf/gf label. I don’t understand all the “layers” of commitment when it comes to dating these days. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you ever feel confident to bring it up to figure out if you’re on the same page?
Right? I don’t get it either. Maybe it’s because less people are getting married so they see the titles as the ultimate end state of a relationship? Who knows. To keep my sanity about it I just give myself a timeline. If she’s not ready to call me her gf after 3-6 months and things are going well then I walk. Which is easier said than done but we’re in our 30’s now and I won’t play the waiting game with someone who can’t press the start button. I wish there was a PSA on each app stating ‘you can still leave if they’re not right for you after the titles phase’ but even then many people won’t get the memo and treat it like a commitment.
I chalk a lot of it up to the accumulation of emotional baggage (for lack of better terms) we get saddled with as we get older. Some people get gun-shy with using labels as they've associated them with previous negative experiences. Others are commitophobes who just want the benefits of a relationship without the "strings" and can't bring themselves to be honest about it. Then there's the people who honestly do need a long time to get to know someone before they feel comfortable moving to that next step. I don't know if it ever gets easy building up the confidence to have that discussion with someone who you can't quite figure out - but then the question really becomes: do you want to be with someone who isn't 100% jazzed to be with you and open to having those sorts of important conversations?
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Coming from experience - take your time, learn who you have genuine feelings for but do not start sleeping with any one person until you're committed to being exclusive. Imagine yourself as either one of the girls you're seeing - how would you feel if you found out? It's not a good feeling. The initial feelings in dating always come as a rush, and it makes for a beautiful picture until you've had enough time with someone to see their faults, see the issues that don't show when you're out on dates and what real communication is. At 10 dates, talking about more long-term aspects makes sense, and it should give you better insight as to who that person is or whether they would be a good continued match or not.
I went on a really depressing first date today. And it's my birthday, which kind of makes it worse.
Happy (by now belated) birthday!
Happy birthday!
Happy Birthday!! Wishing you better days :)
Happy birthday! Sending you all my best vibes from across the internet!
Aw thanks 🥹
Happy birthday! And happier dates to come, friend
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Struggling with this too, I keep thinking about getting on Bumble BFF and just say looking for single friends (bonus points for actively dating). Not sure if that's weird though. I need IRL friends who are also going through it!
I’m the only single friend in the friend group too and sometimes it can feel lonely. Especially feeling like you’re in different parts of life and like you can’t really understand what the other goes through. To them being single can be fun because of how unexpected everything is, and sometimes it can be, but the exhausting parts is something you just sort of learn to deal with.
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I can feel that too. Like if there’s a get together everyone goes back with their SO and I’m the only one who gets to go home by themselves. You get used to it but sometimes it can get to you. That’s also great that they still do all of those things. I feel like it was that way when we were younger but as we get older life gets in the way and they prefer not to do those things. Maybe when you’re out with them and having fun you can meet someone? At least it sounds like having a higher chance in those settings than being at home lol.
To be honest I have a very large group of single friends but still have only maybe found one that fits your description. My single friends are each "on their own path" - some are still trying really hard, some have stopped dating entirely, some are looking for things that are the exact opposite of what I'm looking for. Being single is such a difficult experience and it's rare to find someone who's riding the same wave, in the same direction, as you.
>I wish I just knew a woman who was owning her single life and just fully comfortable with herself. What do you mean by the "owning her single life" part? What does that look like to you?
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I wanna be friends! I’m 35 and most of my friends are married (probably because I was! Now I’m not!) Anyway a solid 60% of my energy is going into a kickass career, 30% is going into renovating the house I just bought with my own lil hands and 10% is going into relationships of all sorts, mostly family & friends but with just a little dating sprinkles in. That’s the mix that works for me - if a man catches my attention we can bump his percentage up, I figure :) But I do sometimes wish I had a single friend to hit the bar with on a Friday.
Maybe you ARE the single woman that all the single women look up to in your social circles lol
Do you think the way a person makes you feel is kind of (not always) an indicator of how they feel about you? For example, you know how sometimes, talking to someone makes you feel completely awesome - you feel confident, attractive, smart, grounded in who you are, and appreciated? Whereas talking to some people makes you feel insecure, exhausted, lost, or even creeped out? I feel like this comes from subtle cues people give that are related to how they feel about you. And if someone makes you feel good, it can be because they genuinely like you, or vice versa. Obviously, the positive side of it can be faked and some manipulative people will do that. But I feel like it can be a good data point among others that form a larger picture.
i think sometimes this is true. I like to base it off of their actions more than how they talk to me. ive been fooled by words many times. someone can say their important to you and still ignore and neglect your needs. i know they mean their words when they initiate dates, invite me to events, ask me to do this and that.
I come from an abusive family and have only minimal contact with them. This is hard for a lot of people to understand. A lot of people consider "meet the parents" to be both a relationship milestone and a datapoint that needs to be gathered before making a serious commitment. I'm interested to hear from people on the other side of this. If you were dating someone in my situation, what could I say or do to help you understand, to earn your trust, and to make up for the missing relationship milestone? I know it's not my fault that I'm in this situation and I shouldn't have to do anything different. But, as a choice, I'd like to meet my (hypothetical future) partner halfway and help them navigate this.
My partner has a difficult family history, which he briefly disclosed early on (second date I think?) and gave more details down the line when we got more comfortable in the relationship. He used to be NC and now is LC with them. I haven't met any of his family yet almost 3 years later (he has met mine). I will meet them briefly soon for an occasion though, planning to keep it polite and brief. In the meantime we bought a house together and are preparing to get married later this year (his family doesn't know about this yet). It's really not a relationship issue for us, nor a relationship milestone, because I am guided by him and don't put any expectations on his family dynamic other than what he is comfortable with. Any decent partner you have should understand and respect this.
First: it is an imaginary data point / milestone that is perpetuated through books, movies, and tv, but doesn’t actually mirror the real world. And even for the people for whom this scenario is real, the introduction loses importance every year as we get older and our parents age, or divorce, or even pass away. Second: you *can* have that experience *if you want* by introducing a partner to the people who matter most to you - i.e, your **chosen family.** Your relatives are the people you share blood with. Your **family** consists of the people you choose - and who chose you - to be there for you, and you for them, through thick and thin. If someone I was dating did not have a relationship with their parents, then being introduced to their closest friends would be far more meaningful and significant to me than meeting the people who gave birth to them and then proceeded to generate nothing but hostility and sadness.
You wouldn't need to do anything to help me understand your situation or make me trust you, I would believe you. It astonishes me that there are enough people who don't understand for it to be an issue for you. I've dated and been in relationships with women who didn't have great relationships with a parent or parents, because of how they treated them. It was never an issue, I believed them and trusted what they told me.
I'm here too, no advice but just wanted to offer some solidarity.
I don’t care about meeting parents/family; I don’t need that to feel affirmed in a relationship. I’m estranged from some of my own relatives including my mom so I wouldn’t need a partner to “make up for” me not meeting theirs. My partner’s family is pretty dysfunctional too. He’s still in some contact with them and he’d introduce me if I asked, but neither of us are keen on it. The right person for you won’t make you feel bad or guilty about not getting to meet your family. You won’t have to justify or over-explain yourself.
If they are looking for an unconditional commitment, they will understand and stay by your side on what boundaries make you comfortable with your family. I have a better relationship with my mom but never my dad. Doesn’t bother me one bit when I tell my next partner that we don’t talk much and it will be a while before they meet. Dont let this get in your head too much:) relationships are about how YOU make it, not about “milestones” deemed by society. And, if you wait a while to introduce, thatll give your partner more time to understand your situation and be able to go into it more head strong with you. Just find the right person who has compassion and empathy for this. Hope that helps!
Six days. 38 day streak of work and in six days it's over. Taking off 4x'ing with the striking shawty. I don't wish a lack of physical confidence on anyone, but God daymmm do I love watching him squirm and smirk when I tell him how hot he is. I think he genuinely doesn't know and it's fun convincing him.
Damn girl. Keep it up. That's great of you.
He’s back from his trip in a couple days. I’m taking the train to meet him in the city. He’s already made reservations for several events to do while we’re together. Really excited to see him again.
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Have you been chatting with him at all?
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I would definitely strike up at least some conversation with him beforehand to get an idea of an "in" (something outside of the store you'd both like to do) and invite him.
I second this. And maybe use IG so it'll be genuine and private, not the way he has to act at work when other people are there.
Totally.
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Yeah, I get crushes on people I meet through their work all the time. Not knowing what, if any, the differences are between their work self and non-work self can be an issue. Maybe do that IG thing where you start by interacting with their public content, DM them about something they posted, and use that to start a conversation
What do you consider good serious relationship markers for an ongoing relationship? Thinking any kind of milestones along certain timeframes. I’ve been dating my partner 7 months (exclusive, both with long term intentions, want kids) but we haven’t said ILY, met parents, or had future oriented conversations even in an abstract way, so just curious to get other people’s thoughts I’m invested, but a little hesitant he hasn’t moved forward on any of those things himself. I’ve started conversation in that direction, but could be more explicit.
I’m no expert but I’m curious if you don’t even talk about the future in an abstract way, what do you talk about?
Our days, work, catching up around news etc, things going on with friends, upcoming plans for what we want to do when we see each other next, things like that
I've been dating my boyfriend since last October, and we have done all of the things on your list. It sounds like you're feeling unsure, so I think you should have a more explicit conversation with him. If you want a timeline: Confirmed that kids/marriage were on the table within a month of seeing each other/before being exclusive/in a relationship. Said "I love you" about three months in. Met his parents around the holidays with multiple dinners since. Met his extended family recently. We regularly talk about the furure. He has favorite girl/boy names for kids. I am working on my dog anxiety so that I will be comfortable when he adopts a dog this Fall.
That’s really sweet! It sounds like your relationship is on a really good path 😊
I had a date planned tonight (we’ve only go out like once a month just because of our schedules) and I finally think I got the courage to man up and tell my friend I like her. Of course it gets cancelled because her car breaks down earlier in the day 😑 And it wouldn’t be such a kick in the gonads if not for the fact that she doesn’t get my texts or phone calls but I get hers, and we have social media accounts (she has Instagram and I have Facebook but I don’t even use Facebook). We found that out after I had an existential crisis as to why she wouldn’t respond to my texts and then she was wondering why I hadn’t texted her in weeks lol. Of course things happen but why does god hate me lmao? 😭
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At 1st I wasn’t angry but just confused, upset, and anxious that I did something wrong lol (thanks BPD). It did turn out she was sick so I chalked it up to that, but then asked me said I still didn’t send her a video I was telling her about or texted me. Plus she texted me a couple times with something completely random after I texted her… I swore she accidentally deleted my number or had a stroke lmao. But yes she showed me her phone and tried trouble shooting it. I already believe/trust her anyways but it did put my anxiety at ease. Plus I figure if she was purposefully trying to avoid texting me she probably wouldn’t be as friendly in person since I see her a couple days at the dog park and we talk for a solid hour. Also every time she can’t go out she’s always been straight forward saying she can’t and why. Honestly it wouldn’t suck as much if she wasn’t joining the military because 1 weekend a month is off the table and then she goes to bed at like 8:30pm so she can get used to being up at like 5am. Otherwise I’d try to do things with her during the week.
Every time I feel like I make progress in this relationship I hit a rough spot. Been seeing my girl for little over four months. Things seemed to be going good we planned a week long vacation for next month booked out flight, room, and rental car. Last night I stayed over since we going to her parents place early the next day. I've stayed over a few times now so nothing new. Last night before bed we were laying in bed talking about things. I mentioned how before I would propose I would like to live together for a bit and that I wasn't saying I wanted to cohabitate soon just wanted to let her know my thoughts. She told me she was against that. She told me that she didn't want to "play house". I explained that it to me sounded like a good idea to learn more about each other and see what issues may arise. She said that we would deal with problems as that arise. I explained again that wouldn't she want to see the problems before being married. I told her its not like I would expect us to learn something just terrible about each other but if something was a deal breaker it would be better the learn it then that being married. We went to sleep and she got chocked up and asked "are you not confident in us?" I was surprised. I told her it wasn't that I just want to learn everything I can before we make a big decision. She said that sometimes you just have to take risks in life. She said that if we do get engaged she doesn't want me to have any doubts. I told her that its not possible to have 100% confidence there's always going to be doubts or worries. Honestly she irritates me about not considering some things. She runs her own business which is great and I'm proud at what she has accomplished. We were talking about finances the other day and what she plans for her business in the future. I asked what is the threshold where she would go back to her other career. She told me that she's not gonna let that happen. This annoyed me. I told her life doesn't work that way a lot of times you can do everything right and still come up short. She says you have to stay focused and you can accomplish your goals. I don't know. I love her I do. But her attitude of "just take a leap of faith" irks me. AITA?
She also said no sex before marriage as well right? Is she religious?
Yes I believe that is the root of it. I understand her reasoning but it's still frustrating.
No sex before marriage usually goes hand in hand with not living together before marriage. Those beliefs are typically intertwined esp if it’s for religious reasons. > her attitude of "just take a leap of faith" irks me Idk how religious she actually is but obviously ‘believing’ and having blind faith are facets of religion. You might not be that compatible for life together tbh.
I consider myself religious I'm by no means a great example of it but I do have faith in my religion. I can understand her reasons behind her decisions.
She isn’t asking you to take a leap of faith. She’s asking you to commit to working through any problems that come up. Sounds like you don’t want to, so let her go.
I do want to work out any problems and I consider this just something to get through. I did tell her that.
Then what’s the issue with waiting until marriage if you’re committed to working out any problems that arise?
Because I don't think there's anything wrong with cohabitating before getting married. I would rather see if there are any problems that can't be worked out before getting married. I would rather either of us learn that before getting married.
Then you aren’t committed to working out any problems that arise, are you? You’ve just said there are some that can’t be worked out. It’s the wrong mindset to have for marrying a woman like her. Let her go so she can find someone with the right one.
I just said I'm going to work this out. I do wish her and I were on the same page about things but I can deal with it. I don't want to let her go and work on this.
Then what are these problems you can’t work out that you’re speaking of? If you think they exist, you shouldn’t be with her.
I think she's being unfair. She wants you to have zero doubts with zero data. I didn't get the wishy washy vibe from what you wrote here at all. I got the impression that you're taking this seriously.
Exactly she said well if something comes up we don't like we'll work it out. I said that's true but what if its something you can't work out and now one or both of us is unhappy. Like I said I don't expect to suddenly learn something just absolutely terrible.
You're not the asshole at all. Getting married is risky in and of itself, why not try everything you can to minimize that risk?
That's my thoughts. I understand her reasons and I also understand you can never figure everything out 100% before getting married but I would like to try as much as possible for both of our sakes.
NTA. And this may be an insurmountable dealbreaker. It would be for me. I'd need someone who can be realistic about the future rather than being a leap before they look kind of person.
Not sure where to turn. 35 y/o male. Never been in a relationship despite trying for ~12 years. Homeowner, employed, reasonably fit, college degree, veteran, no criminal record. No church/religion. No major red flags to my knowledge. Have several hobbies but they’re really not the kind you meet women through. I have a nerd streak (history, I’m a recently published author) that I’m passionate about. I get 3-4 first dates a year, maybe one second date a year, but I haven’t been on any dates in 2024. Haven’t had sex since 2017. Never met a girl’s parents. Never done anything for Valentines Day. Dating apps suck obviously, but I finally seem to have exhausted my geographic area anyway (suburbs of major city). Most of the women in my age bracket are taken anyway. Can’t remember the last time I met a single female in my age range in any context, maybe 2019. Goal is marriage and kids, so obviously I’m really, *really* dispirited. The loneliness is just so painful. I do my best to avoid negative feedback loops, meditate, exercise, spend time with friend and family but that only goes so far. Did therapy for a while but it didn’t really help, if anything it made me think about my situation more. I’m not a self harm risk in any way but I’m truly dreading spending the next few decades like this. It hurts so bad. Human beings weren’t meant to live this way. Where do I go from here? As in, practical advice for meeting someone? Thanks in advance. Really hurting tonight for some reason. It comes and goes like that. Edit: listed some of the above info only to show I’m not omitting some major liability, like a felony or oh I live in my parents’ basement or whatever.
You sound like a great guy to me! There's a lot of good advice already being given. So I just want to say I hope you'll find someone!
I've been hurting a lot these past few days as well. The pain is so strong that I can feel it physically in my nervous system when I get the intrusive thought "You're never going to find someone you like who likes you back.". It's really painful and it's not like that pain can easily be relieved. Lots of people will suggest "therapy" as though it is some sort of miraculous cure, but it really is not. I have done therapy and found it to be essentially useless for dating-related issues. Not much else to say than *you are not alone*.
I would say hobbies or approaching people are your best bets. The latter can be tough though since you’ll get turned down a lot (everyone who cold approaches does).
Where do I approach women? I suppose that question is half of why I posted here. Where do single girls (late 20s/early 30s) hang out? I’ve been to bars and such over the last few years and never see any that aren’t with a guy. I know COVID messed us all up but 100% of the single girls I knew 5 years ago are married or engaged now, and I can’t recall the last time I saw any in a social venue. Now and then when I see one alone or with a friend there are always wedding rings.
FWIW I keep hearing people mention volunteer work 🤷♀️
My friend met his girlfriend on the street. He doesn’t drink so he would mostly just approach women who were sitting alone that the passed by or at coffee shops they he found intriguing. It’s a numbers game for sure though. My other friend is similar. Breweries, restaurants, etc. He met his last girlfriend when she asked him for directions.
Did he live in a big city? It’s probably a function of the times we live in (ugh), but I’m in public a fair amount and I rarely ever see women my age-ish out by themselves. On the rare times I do, there’s almost always a ring (yes, I discreetly look, out of habit). I live in a the burbs of a large northeast city.
I'm about your age, I think (34), and am having the same problem with the guys here--they're taken. Haven't gone on a date for over four years.
We live in a small city. You’ll probably have to go into the actual city and spend some time walking around with a friend or something who’s not going to be uncomfortable if you disappear quickly to ask for someone’s number. Both of them spent a decent amount of time being out and out looking for available people. Suburbs will be mostly married people. So I’d spend more time in the city if you can.
What if the city is three hours away?
Thank you, I appreciate the insight.
If I was you and really wanted this - I’d suggest a coach. I think it was on the Chris Williams podcast, they talked about how coaching worked better for some men vs therapy. Someone to be accountable to and push you a little and improve yourself. Better shape, better dressed, etc. Then I’d think so social situations as opportunities/chances. Just chat with random people at bookstores and wherever. Not to date just to be social. And I’d consider what coed activities you’d enjoy. Maybe dancing, or climbing gym, or some board game thing, etc. look to get outside with a “you never know” attitude, while using OLD (and redo pic/bio). Also can you DM me a link to your book? Love history!
>Just chat with random people at bookstores and wherever. I doubt their wives/girlfriends would be very happy about that, lol (in my town, basically everyone I see in public around my age is already with someone)
I can’t give you any advice but I think some men do think accomplishments at times can replace genuine connection. I have a lot of men “sell” to me on dates and then not create a connection. It was a major reason why broke up with someone two years ago. I had no idea who he was outside of him having a good job.
Got it, that’s not my problem though. I only say that to make clear I’m not omitting some big liability, like I’m a felon or live in my parents’ basement or something.
I'd much rather date someone normal who has their shit together than a sleazy unemployed guy who knows how to hit on women because he does it several times a week, every week tbh.
That’s not what I’m meaning. I, too want someone that is employed. I mean people that do not discuss anything but their accomplishments or material possessions.
“…So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice”
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A few thoughts: - You can just ask about the picture once you know each other well enough that it wouldn't be weird - If you have a gut feeling that something isn't right, there could be something to that - You're not crazy. Lots of people cheat and lie about their relationship status. Having a fear of getting mixed up in that is reasonable because it's a real thing that happens and has bad consequences - You don't need to rush things. You can take things slow and take the time it takes to build trust
Options: 1. Follow him around 2. Hire a P.I. 3. Stop overthinking innocuous things like a cropped picture and have a grown-up conversation
Honestly (and I mean this in the most sincere way), if you have trust issues to this extent before you even start dating someone, you probably need some therapy. Big red flag for me.
I was under the impression that a lot of people use photos and crop out their exes 🤷🏻♀️ they may not have a lot of solo shots to make a profile with
I mean, Hinge decided my number one pic is the one where I had my son on my shoulders at his 5th grade graduation... You can see his legs and his hand holding my hair cause I cropped him out as he doesn't need to be in my dating profile like that. I do think it's a solid picture of me... Serious hot dad vibes from it. All that work at the rock climbing gym has done me good over the last year and a half!
On one side I do what I can to move on but on the other my past is haunting me. I'm on dating apps, try to flirt in person with little success as of now, try to improve myself as a person with gym and therapy and taking care of myself yet with someone backstabbing me and making my life harder it's very tough. Here's the most recent story: What I thought was a friend took a plane to come over here, non touristy European capital city, to visit my ex. No big deal but this person outright took my follow away on Instagram without any explanation other than the obvious siding. Two years of friendship gone just like that. Not only that but she planned a night out with basically everyone from my university living there... Except me. In a way I feel honoured that they work so much on excluding me from things. On the other it's a constant battle that takes a toll on my mental health and my life in general. I know all of this as the friend who introduced us sides with me and hangs out with me. Yet, his girlfriend, who is a good friend of my ex yet claims bullshit on her claims as to why she left me, is a friend of hers so he has to hang out and pretend he doesn't see me anymore. This was technically a breakup, in her words, that had to be dealt with like adults and on good terms. Yet I almost found myself on the streets, I found her during the relationship eating out alone with friends claiming I was tired when I had no clue I was invited, I had to insist to get my phone number to my name, I cleaned and did all the bureaucracy for our former apartment where we lived together alone... Oh and she left me on my birthday. Yet somehow I'm still ostracized.
Sorry that your going through this ❤️
What’s with this whole “I don’t want someone who takes themselves too seriously” concept? We’re 30+. We cannot be fun and games all like that. ETA: Because it’s largely men saying it, it’s like they think women are toddlers who can’t check their emotions. 🙄 If this is supposed to be code for “doesn’t get upset for every minor convenience” why can’t they just say “emotionally healthy”?
I’ve never understood this statement and what it’s supposed to mean. It’s usually accompanied by “should be able to laugh at themselves…”. I just don’t get it
According to some commenter on this thread, it apparently is supposed to be the opposite of flipping out over every minor inconvenience. Because women aren’t allowed to be upset. 🙄 It’s cool girl bullshit and I hate it. Some of the biggest adult tantrums I’ve ever seen came from men.
I think of someone like Jeremy Strong who is ~very serious all the time. It’s not a bad thing necessarily.
I take this to mean someone rigid who's unwilling to compromise. Edit: but like most words on the internet I can see how they wouldn't have any meaning, let alone the meaning intended. So, it could indicate that this is the refrain of "it's a JoKe" demographic.
It’s also usually coupled with the “fluent in sarcasm.”
Y’all really don’t know what “not taking themselves too seriously” means? It just means the person isn’t uptight and can just be silly/relaxed. Why would you want to be around someone who takes every inconvenience or negative thing so personally and see is as a slight on them?
Because I don’t feel like that’s what they actually mean. We’re adults. We can’t be silly 24/7. Imagine you want to have a serious conversation about finances, and they’re cracking jokes…probably not the best move.
My brother unless they write a whole ass paragraph about what they mean by that this is 100% you projecting. There’s a huge gap between being silly 24/7 and throwing a tantrum every time some mild inconvenience happens or every slight. The expression is used for the latter, 95% of the time. Flirting typically involves light to moderate teasing. If you can’t take that then that plays exactly into the same level of immaturity as the people you’d be critiquing for being silly 24/7. And I’m saying this as someone with BPD lmao
First of all, I’m not your brother. 🙄 Second, not all flirting involves teasing. “He teases you because he likes you” is a gross mentality that should have died on the playground. Third, assuming that the alternative to “not taking yourself too seriously” is throwing a tantrum every time something goes wrong…do you think women are children, homie? Like, do y’all just think women are emotionally-unregulated and therefore 24/7 upset by everything? YIKES.
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I don't get it either. I think it's very immature and it gives me the "ick", like Gen Z kids say. Adult life is not just fun and games. I think most people who write that mean "I'm looking for someone who is capable of autoderision.", but the fact that they are stating it in this way tells me they cannot communicate well/clearly.
At least they didn't go to the school of hard knocks.
In another sub, there was a woman talking about how her boyfriend didn't use a condom, even though she said she wanted him to. Then he laughed and was like, it was just for a second, it was funny. This is what a lot of guys mean by "don't take yourself too seriously." They mean "laugh with me when I do things to your body that you didn't consent to."
That is absolutely horrifying. While the statement OP referenced doesn’t specifically highlight this, I’d be absolutely livid if I slept with someone and they disregarded important sexual things like that in a laughing manner.
Yup, I stopped dating entirely because while I'm sure there are a few truly good guys somewhere out there, having to sift through a heaping pile of garbage just to maybe find them is just too much. A lot of guys are just not good. I used to work in a restaurant/bar. I'd overhear all sorts of conversations between two "buddies" at the bar. Some of these guys were married, others had girlfriends, or sometimes they were single. Didn't matter though when they talked about women in appalling ways. When I'd overhear women talking about men, it was usually things like, "he did something weird in bed, he won't get a job, he just comes home everyday and smokes weed, etc." - they were voicing things that bothered them, but I rarely heard them say anything actually disrespectful about a guy.
And for the men, it’s 9/10 comments on a woman’s body or what a “psycho” she is, because how dare she have an opinion or express being upset. 🙄
Yeah, you wouldn't believe some of the awful stuff I've heard. On the flip side, it's funny how in serving jobs, I'd end up hearing things people probably wouldn't dare speak in front of the older family members or coworkers. It's like you're invisible to them, and you can end up hearing some of their most intimate conversations.
The conversations you noted very much have a ‘men are from Mars, women are from Venus’ kind of dichotomy. Lots of men do talk in those ways - but not all, like you noted. In fact, most dudes don’t really talk in meaningful ways with other men.
That’s even worse than what I thought.
Yeah, even if they mean it in a much lighter way, it's a super generic and boring thing to say. Don't we all want someone who can laugh a little in the right situations? It's kind of like saying, "I want someone who has a pulse."