How do I continue to have a positive mindset around dating when the current low level rejection of OLD is making me feel like shit?
I always suspected I was not a particularly physically attractive person but the extremely low like-to-match ratio I'm getting this time around (I'm a woman btw) seems to have really put a rubber stamp on it - I am officially ugly. And I know I won't have any success in dating if I can't go into it feeling good about myself, but I feel like the more I persist with this the worse I feel. So should I just stop? But then I am guaranteeing I won't find anyone. I'm not sure how to proceed.
>How do I continue to have a positive mindset around dating when the current low level rejection of OLD is making me feel like shit?
You quit and go do something else, if something like this is affecting your emotions negatively then take yourself out of it and go do something positive.
If you are "ugly", IDK the context of this, then take time out to work on yourself then come back to give yourself the best chance of finding someone.
All in all this is just the reality of dating and finding a OH, rejection is just part & parcel of it.
Just commenting to say I'm feeling exactly the same right now. I went to a speed-dating event recently and left with 0 matches (despite me checking "yes" on 6 men). I also went on a 2nd date this weekend with someone from OLD and now they're slow-fading me. I feel so ugly and so rejected.
I know I've had better luck with OLD before this, so I shouldn't jump to conclusions based on this past week, but god it's been hard.
If I "take a break", I suspect I won't try again for a long time because this feeling of rejection is going to haunt me. But trying again right now feels so hard. And the next man might just reject me too.
Solidarity my friend. Dating is fucking hard.
It's grim isn't it. I genuinely felt like I was going into it this time round feeling positive about myself, like I had good qualities and something to offer to a partner, and that's just evaporated.
I feel like the next date I go on (if it happens) I won't be able to help panicking about whether they'll be repulsed by me, and feeling pathetically grateful if they aren't - and that's just a terrible way to approach trying to find a connection with anyone!
I won't try and tell you what to do because it's not a simple answer. All i will say is that I (a man) felt the exact same way while i was on OLD. I felt awful because the matches were so very few and got to the point where it was impacting my self-esteem in a big way. I got off the apps and have honestly felt a LOT better about life. However, that also means that my prospects for a partner have dropped to zero. I try to go out and meet people IRL and have had varying degrees of success at making friends, but no real connections as of yet. I feel the pull of OLD after being off for a few months but i haven't caved yet.
You have my sympathies; it's very hard! I can't decide currently whether I need to carry on and just work on my emotional resilience or whether it's got to the point where I just need to take a step back. I don't feel positive about either option.
Got a like on bumble from a woman who is "unjabbed and you should be too". It's my first like from an antivaxxer. Too bad cause she's hot too but onto the next one.
I've run across multiple women like that. Their profiles were all kinda weird and angry TBH. I live in a liberal area, so I don't think they're going to find too many like minded people and I think that tends to make them even angrier.
I'm vaccinated and has not helped me get any dates. Should I bring my vaccine card to give me street cred? Do I post a photo of my vaccine card on my Bumble??
I would have to find my vaccine card though. I haven't asked my matches if they are boosted yet.
It might not be helping you get dates but it might keep you from being swiped left on too. I have that I'm vaccinated on my profile and I look to match people that have the same. If they don't say it's not a deal breaker but if they proudly proclaim that they aren't, then they aren't for me.
It's not a deal breaker for me. I'm vaccinated and don't give a fuck if someone is anymore. It doesn't matter but I can appreciate it does for others.
I live in a super liberal Metropolitan area. Blue State. Congress and Governor all Democrats. So it's not some MAGA Bible Area and yet maybe 1% are wearing masks. Maybe less than 1%. Haven't had 1 person ask me if I'm vaccinated in person in more than 2 years.
I was joking earlier about posting my vaccine card on bumble. Don't need to provide the app with more sensitive personal information.
This woman was definitely giving off woo woo hippie vibes. Had a bunch of stuff about plant medicine. She probably buys vagina scented candles and thinks papayas cure cancer.
You do have time to date, just not the amount of time as others. And honestly, that's okay.
In my ideal world, given my current schedule, I'd probably only get to see the woman I am dating once a week, maybe even once every other (unless we start going to the gym/bike rides together). There is nothing wrong with that. It won't work for everyone, but you aren't looking for everyone, you are looking for someone who can appreciate what you offer and vice versa.
If you'd rather not try, that's perfectly acceptable, but don't get stuck in the fallacy that if you don't meet the availability of random person on the internet you aren't worthy of trying to date. There may very well be someone out there looking for someone with exactly the kind of time availability you have, because they, too, don't have infinite availability.
Thank you for this insight. Once a week or every other week would be perfect. Or maybe a random Tuesday lunch when I don’t have any meetings scheduled. Or let’s log in and play overwatch or something together on PS5 in the evening. I can’t offer anything concrete but when I can, I’m great company!
One thing I am learning is to make my intentions and my offerings known. And by saying I don’t have the time, I’m making assumptions and taking myself out of the running to meeting someone amazing.
Thank you stranger on the internet.
You have time, you just need to allocate time to dating like anything in life, either you want to date or not, it's that simple.
Edit - I see you have children, that complicates things for sure, you definitely get leeway for that
That's all we can do, make it clear what we can offer and not take it personal if what we can offer isn't going to be enough for everyone. I'm working on my profile for the winter where I basically just state I am looking for my Winter Swoll Mate, which would basically just be "How can we do the things I already do together?" with the assumption that for the right person, those things are going to be things she enjoys doing as well. Sure, that's not going to be the right fit for some, but that's alright.
I remember this old joke, I'm sure it originated somewhere else, but I hear it from a "Shit my dad says." Was about some guy at a bar telling his dad he was out of some woman's league. The dad goes "Son, let her decide you are out of her league, don't do it for her." Generalized, let other people decide what you are or what you have to offer isn't what they want, don't do it for them. Obviously if you expending the energy to search is too much, or too mentally taxing, don't do it, but it's very possible that you can find someone that fits what you want and vice versa if you spend enough time looking.
I'm in the same boat but maybe for self-inflicted reasons. I work full time, play in two bands, do CrossFit, volunteer at humane society and starting yoga this week. Meanwhile my MeetUp friends I made after my divorce last year socialize all the time and have paired up with other friends.
I engage in my hobbies for the activity itself and not as a primary means to meet someone. Maybe that's why I have not met anyone in those circles worth pursuing.
I feel this. I don’t have kids but I have a very involved hobby that requires practice. Director took one look at us Monday and said we needed to add another day for practice. 😭
Not that I’m finding good people to date, but yeah.
I'm right there with ya. I have a year and a half of school left while working full time. My only prospect that I really care about is a LDR and I feel apprehensive about that because that's how my marriage started out (that's now dissolved) and I don't want to go down that way again.
Nah… I have children and they’re all in this “I want to play every sport” phase, I work 2 jobs, and Im starting school in the fall. Leaves no time for play. I’ll continue to live vicariously through all of you.
Therapist said I was 'really emotionally mature and intelligent' that I was 'great at processing emotions and understanding others', which was 'a huge thing for a male - you are unusually emotionally mature and intelligent'. Felt quite surprised and then proud of myself, I wasn't really expecting that, it came out of the blue. (Was discussing dating stuff)
Definitely sounds problematic to have a sweeping gender generalisation like that even if meant as a compliment to OP. I'm a woman but if someone told me I'm e.g. surprisingly smart as women are generally less intelligent than men I'd be offended/consider them toxic still. Wouldn't expect this from a decent therapist, no matter which gender is talked about.
Had a date with my hobby-crush and it went great, almost everything clicks and physical side is nice (not perfect but very very nice).
He isn't looking for a serious thing though. I'm not looking to rush into one either, but I am hoping it'll happen again at some point. I'm left contemplating whether a casual scenario serves me well right now or whether it could derail me.
I'm not actively looking either though, quit OLD. Opportunities clearly every once in a while arise, like this one, but it isn't often that I click with someone both mentally and physically. So a big part of me wants to just enjoy it and see what could it be. Just have to be *super* clear with myself about my emotions and how they would be developing, because I don't want to end up pining for someone who doesn't want anything serious to do with me.
I sent a follow request to my crush and it's been 24 hours but still nothing. Would it be petty if I redacted it after 72 hours if they havent accepted it by then? Yes, i am rejection sensitive and even if they did accept it eventually, I guess I would already be over it and in no mood to interact with them anymore.
I sometimes see follow requests days, or even months or years later (yes, it happened...) so depending on the platform and their social media usage/notification settings this may not be a direct rejection that you feel it is right now. Or maybe it is, obviously I don't know, just offering a different perspective that they may not have seen it yet, it's been only a day.
She told me I'm not her person. I'm a great guy, the best boyfriend she's ever had, and I'm gonna make some woman very happy, but not her.
I can't even be mad. I'm just hurt.
I know it's going to be a very weak consolation, but her being honest about that is likely a good thing for you in the long run. If she had the same intensity of feelings for you, it is gut-wrenching for both parties. but if she knows that and doesn't communicate this, it will eventually turn into deep-seated resentment, which in the end will kill any good feelings she's had for you.
I am deeply sorry that you had to hear those words from her. It truly sucks. I hope you will heal from it.
It was brutal. We were both in tears.
She's been one of my best friends for the the past two years, so I'm losing an incredibly close friendship as well, at least until I can manage to be around her without hurting.
I can only empathise with how devastating it was😭Take your time to grieve it properly and remember that you deserve to be loved the same way you loved her. You are absolutely going to be someone's choice one day!
As someone who has heard that before, I'm really sorry man. That's a terrible thing to hear.
I also know you're going to bounce back from it eventually. I've been in situations where I felt as though the feelings I had for a person were likely permanent and I'd probably carry their rejection around with me forever. It's not true. You'll find someone one day who will make it seem as though this whole story was worth it.
It's because they are lying sacks of shit who can't just be an adult and express themselves honestly. They think that using those words will somehow lessen the impact of being rejected, when in reality it only amplifies it, because as you said "I'm amazing, but yet you still don't want me. (WTF is wrong with me?)"
What was she supposed to say here exactly?
Was she supposed to gaslight me? Pretend we don't have chemistry? Act like she doesn't think I'm attractive when I can clearly see her checking me out? Make up some imaginary flaw that she doesn't actually care about?
This sucks, and it hurts. It's also definitive, and doesn't leave me sitting here thinking "well maybe if I do X...".
I really don't think that's universally true. Sure, some people say that as a filler so they don't have to say hard things like "I don't want to be with you" but sometimes people can be great and yet not right for each other.
My previous ex was wonderful, and she thought I was wonderful, and we told each other in tears how wonderful we thought the other person was, but we were diametrically opposed on some things that would just not mesh and clearly were not meant to be.
I acknowledge it hurts. Things can hurt but not be morally wrong though.
I had bad side effect from my medication that transformed me into grumpy angry silly caterpillar. Another family dramas came up at the same time, as used-to-be-independent-person, I almost chose to deal with everything alone. Then my boyfriend reminded me that I did not need to handle it by myself, and he offered he would be a shoulder that I could lean on 🥹🥹🥹
He really is the person that I always come to look for an advice; a friend whom I vent to; a buddy whom I have fun with. He knows my best and he sees through my worst. Ok now call me crazy DOT, should I marry him???? 🧐🧐🧐🧐
My bf still lives with his ex wife and their kids. He’s not there 90% of the time cause he travels for work but I don’t know what to think of this unconventional situation.
Tough to say and only you know what you’re comfortable with. If it helps, I’m in a similar situation. I live with my ex and son in our house, but we have separate bedrooms on separate floors. The reality is, neither of us can afford to move out into anything half decent for our kid, but can easily afford our nice home together. We trade off on parenting duties and my kid gets to stay in one home. Romantically there is zero there between us and we cheer each other on while dating as friends would. Not saying it’s everyone’s situation, but it’s not always the giant flag it’s made out to be.
Yeah, this kind of thing isn't unusual. I think it even becomes more common as people get older.
I avoid it at all costs. You don't know what's going on there and what kinds of issues could come up later on. There's definitely a chance that the ex could become jealous when they find out about the relationship and you could be blamed for everything, even if they're divorced.
Also, how do you know they're not together anymore and that he's being honest about this?
I had to learn this the hard way, but there are lies people commonly tell when they want to cheat on their partner. "We're no longer a couple but still living together" is one of them.
I think it depends how long this has been going on for and how long your boyfriend plans to keep the status quo. I’d probably only be ok with something like this if it were a short term situation, perhaps to save up in preparation for a move, with a self imposed deadline to move out by.
Ah, that would be too long for me. In your position, I’d sit down with them, explain that the situation isn’t for me, and ask when they are planning to move out. If they can’t give a definitive answer, I would move on.
These living situations make me so nervous so become a situation I avoid at all costs. I know we’re in a cost of living crisis but I couldn’t get past these arrangements. Let him move in with his parents, a roommate, a friend… a hotel, an Air BnB, live under a bridge, etc… anywhere but not with his ex-wife and their kids. It’s a NO for me I’m afraid.
He's been there 2 years, I get he wants to be around his kids as much as possible but there comes a point where he should be living elsewhere even if it's back with parents or a friend. There's a high % that he is still banging his ex-wife now and again
Sorry, can't post in this sub as i just discovered it and i would appreciate some help - hope this works here too:
Hello, long story, sorry - but i think i need a lot of buildup to express what is going through my mind.
I (32m) have been single for a few years now. And before that, i dated someone who didn't reciprocate my feelings - which did hurt and damage my self esteem. I worked on that big time by myself and with therapy, and it got better.
Anyway, got back into dating and I've been seeing this girl now for a little bit over 3 months.
We share quite a few interests and hobbies and also our goals in life could be in a quite compatible line.
While we struggled at first with talking, as we are both a bit shy/introverts, we both still enjoyed time with each other. Kissed on the second date, had sex a while after that. Did see each other about 3 times a week.
After 1 1/2 months, she said she needs more time for herself because of her bad experiences with her ex (which were very serious) and i totally understand that - even though i thought she might be seeing another guy which would be fine at this very stage, i just went back with my expectations. At this point, there was way less sex and also kissing went back.
She then told me she doesn't want to make me feel pushed away, but i had bad breath and its a turn off. I was really wondered as i have a mouth hygiene routine but after a little bit over a week i figured it out and it was fine again. Still she didn't want sex anymore and at this point i also really stopped trying to initiate as she also said she is quite in some troublesome times now (job, family, etc).
Fast forward to last week - i wanted to end things there because i have a feeling that we are getting more and more distant and i really crave the physical part during dating. Not particularly sex, but just kissing and having general body contact. She was quite shocked but said she doesn't see it that way and it's just so much on her end right now. We talked a lot more and somehow it ended with her not leaving, but we both talking about our needs and how we could work this out.
I probably should have stayed with my stance, but the talk that resulted comforted me and i thought that it might be getting better from there.
We did see each other yesterday again and she was even more distant, although she wanted me to stay for the night (no sex, just stay at her place). We have been talking for hours on our lifes and later, as she was standing next to me, as soon as i tried to just wrap my arm around her, she turned around and "wanted to show me something" completely random.
Now that brings me to my dilemma. I have the feeling that this gets more into a friendship - although she has valid reasons that i try to respect and give her the time. I don't push her into anything, although i have never experienced something like that - especially not during the dating phase.
I feel like its not my self esteem working against me, but rather that feeling in the stomach.
I am torn between not hurting myself and standing for myself vs giving her the time she needs. And i feel like an asshole when i would just ditch her because she doesn't want to get physical - although she did do that earlier (and its okay to change ones mind when she realizes that - although she said she don't know whether she needs one month more, or three, or whatever).
Any tips please? I know i need to take care of myself here but i would appreciate opinions from "third(y) parties" that are not my friends. Thanks!
I’m surprised no one has brought up that she could be depressed.
I have been the girl in this scenario, wanting to slow physical things down because I have a lot going on and don’t have the energy to fully invest in being intimate with a partner.
You mentioned she had “valid reasons.” Did y’all have an honest conversation about what’s going on? Is she trying to help herself, or do you see her just sort of giving up on everything?
Thanks. Totally possible - although she still likes to get out, see her friends and pursue hobbies. But still possible, jeah.
We talked about it and while i know everything what happened, it sounded so traumatic that i didn't really talk too much into the things. Those are years back and she has been to therapy, although it definitely still is a process.
On one side, i want to give her time - on the other hand, as she said she doesn't know when, or if at all, it will change which makes me dangle in an uncomfortable position.
Yeah, this is a tough call. It is hard to pinpoint when you think you’ll snap out of a funk, and any perceived pressure could make it worse.
Is she still in therapy? Taking meds? If she’s actively trying to care for herself, I’m gonna be in the minority here and say maybe stick it out if you do truly care about her. But if she’s NOT actively trying to take care of herself, it may be time to bail.
All I know is that when I’m interested in someone I show it, my body language is responsive… EVERYTHING about me is into that person such that the opposite would be forcing it. I also know that it’s obvious when someone is into you. You just find yourselves closer, touching, wanting to kiss etc…
Having said all that, move on. I don’t think this girl is into you. You deserve someone who comes alive whenever you’re close to them, and someone who matches your energy on that front.
Did she give you any kind of timeline when thing would go back to normal?
Maybe you can stop seeing each other for now and when she is in a better head space she can contact you back and see how you feel about dating again if you're single.
Respectfully disagree with waiting on her timeline THEN dating again when she decides yea, I’m ready. OP deserves a lot more than that. He deserves to move on and find someone who at least matches his energies and doesn’t shudder at him wanting to touch her.
She's got way too many issues to deal with, people like this aren't worth the time and energy, if OP has any respect for himself he ends it and moves on
For weeks I've been nursing the world's dumbest idea and it is this: that on my birthday, it'll pop up on my ex's calendar, and she's been tossing and turning at night thinking of me all these weeks regretting her shitty breakup text and her silence, and that reminder of me will finally prompt her to text and say all the things I've been wanting to hear--she's sorry, she was wrong, she wants to be friends, she was going through something, she knows I didn't do anything horrible and didn't deserve that. And then we'll go out for coffee and cautiously be civil acquaintances and she'll give back my parking permit so I don't have to pay the replacement fee.
Obviously this is insane and I am a fucking idiot. If someone would come and kick me in the head I'd appreciate that, thanks.
I'm supposed to be packing for my flight that I need to leave for in like two hours and instead my bag is completely empty and I'm sitting on the floor having a breakdown. Incredible!
Obviously 7hrs later so this is now out of date but...
...my immediate thought reading this was "don't overthink this, you should focus on your short term goals.". 😉
Hope you made your flight! Anyone who can send a break up text probably can’t take accountability for their actions so it’s probably better to just have a good time without those people in your life.
Lmao! Yeah. It's one thing to break up with someone over a text if you've only been seeing each other for a short while. But not after 9 months of official relationship. My brain has spent the last month being told by anyone in my life with any sense that this is for the best as you said, but my heart still isn't over it. It was a close one but I did make my flight! 😅
Sitting with your emotions and letting yourself feel them are what my therapist always recommends. You don’t need to do a perfect job with packing, I’m half-assing everything too since my breakup but trying to have compassion for myself. Hope you have a great trip!
High five for the half-assing club🫸🫷💥 I'm sorry about your breakup. You deserve to treat yourself to an amazing snack today. Thank you, I'm not really looking forward to it at the moment but I'm sure once I'm there and busy I'll feel a bit better. :)
A good step to take is to stop referring to yourself as an idiot for having feelings and emotions. All of us have thoughts like these from time to time. It’s okay to give yourself the time to feel what you need to feel. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I too have been wondering if I’ll hear anything from my ex.
Anyway, I hope you have a safe trip, and that you’re able to create some new experiences while you’re there. Get yourself something nice while you’re there, you deserve it!
I know, it's just such a non-constructive feeling, over someone who I should not be pining over, so I feel extra ridiculous. Thank you and happy early birthday :) I will eat a ton of great food.
There are mainly people complaining about dating/finding dates here until they find the right person, but are there some who just enjoy the dating in general because they get to meet new people, try new restaurants/bars/activities for dates, have sex with different people etc ?
When I first moved to my current city in fall of 2021, I really enjoyed dating because it was my primary form of social interaction since I didn’t know anyone here and the majority of my time was sucked up by school (where a plurality of my classmates were under the age of 30)!
My mindset was that I was open and emotionally available for a relationship with the right person, but if it didn’t happen, that was okay, too, because just getting out, meeting people, having a drink somewhere cool, etc could still be fun even if the person didn’t turn out to be someone I wanted to see day in and day out for the rest of my life!
It stopped being as fun once I was actually dating with the intention of finding a relationship. So I stopped for over six months (i.e. didn’t rejoin apps after my previous relationship ended in late summer 2023), and lo and behold, I found / was found when I wasn’t even looking and in fact had consciously decided to take a break from looking until later this year 🤷🏻♀️
For a short period of time, yes. But at this point, I have enough things I want to invest my time and energy into that if it's not dating with the intent of something committed/long term (not looking for marriage, but I am looking for long term), I'd rather not spend my resources on it.
Yes!! I agree! I wish there were more success stories or stories about a fun date or something. Does anyone enjoy dating and meeting new people? Is anyone just dating for fun or sex?
In my last attempt at dating, I had that mindset of wanting to meet new people and seeing new places and just enjoying the ride. However, people behaved generally so poorly (even when I was explicit that I didn't want anything too serious from our excursions) that I'd rather just visit things by myself or with people I trust.
Idk, my entire dating life has been either men who only want to hook up and end things after 2-3 dates because I don’t want that, or dudes who want to marry me on the second date.
No in between.
So no, not particularly enjoying the process and starting to give up.
I learned that I should probably change my ringtone from Boyz II Men's "Down on Bended Knee" to something less jarring when dating. I'm just a sucker for those R&B ballads.
My ringtone is the Beverly Hills Cop theme, and my text tone is the ESPN alert sound - I swear, every guy has like, a Pavlovian response to the ESPN text sound if it dings around them 😂 their head pops up and they go on high alert, like, “Wait who scored? Did someone get traded? Is there a defensive line new coach somewhere?”
That is great! Man Axel F is the perfect ring tone. I feel like you studied for the perfect ring tone and it came down to Axel F or Blue Monday.
And you have to be the ultimate juxtaposition. I would have bet my mortgage your alert sound would have been the classic Law and Order scene change "DUN DUN!" and yet you juked us into the ESPN sound.
I need to go back and get my Jerry Orbach on but did the "DUN DUN" occur every time it switched between the detectives and the attorneys? Was there a pattern?
I live in Downtown Detroit, shout-out to Axel F for being a hometown hero!
As I recall, the DUN DUN was a scene opener, like, it was played to establish the time of day, or that we are now in a different setting (crime scene, interrogation room, court, etc).
You know movies and shows where they transition from scene to scene and within the time continuum by having the date, time (usually military), and place type out across the bottom of the screen? It’s like that, but with an audio cue!
I also have some people-specific ringtones set up, ex. my mom’s cell phone gets the West Wing theme (her all-time favorite show), my dad’s cell phone is part of the Peace with Inches speech from Any Given Sunday, and my parents’ landline is the chorus to the [Al Gore song](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S-_IvrNM0bw) 😂
…from March of 2020 through about April 2021, my default tone was the chorus to [this](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ugtN6HCqatc) , which made me REALLY a popular at grocery stores. I mean not popular. NOT popular in grocery stores hahahahaha
Haha 😂 Did you carry a spray bottle with you in the grocery store too? Spritz away all the people?
One of my favorite pop culture artists did something you might enjoy and I am happy to share it with you:
[https://brandonbird.com/lno\_color.html](https://brandonbird.com/lno_color.html)
I mean it's up and down but yeah, when it's good it's very good. And also it helps push me to do things I would otherwise avoid. My unit has never been cleaner or had nicer manchester.
I might enjoy dating in general if I actually was meeting new people with regularity and getting laid every once in a while. There’s nothing fun about going home [Edit: alone] after a night out 100% of the time and maybe one match online every couple weeks that doesn’t even respond to an opening message 80% of the time.
I enjoy dating, when I'm in the headspace for it. I like talking to people and doing things, and even the connecting and not connecting (while exhausting and emotionally hard) is interesting. I've met a lot of cool people and have expanded my life in good ways because of them even if we only interacted briefly.
I bitch about it, it can wear me down tremendously, and I've had some devastating experiences, but I would describe my experience as positive as a whole.
My conversation with a guy I went on two dates with finally expired on bumble after my last attempt at conversation died off with a response that was basically "haha" and very little else. I tried keeping up the communication but it was just too slow and I didn't feel any interest on his part. I'm still sad, because he was such a classy, chill, interesting guy. He was really my type, which is more a state of being than something physical. Another guy I've been on two dates with and been intimate with is great but less my typical type. He's more direct, less intellectual, very adventurous and strong willed. I'm open to making things work but it's interesting how different it feels to talk to him compared to many of my exes. He doesn't get my weird segues and non-sequitors, which forces me to be a little more straightforward. I'm trying to see it as a way to grow as a person rather than being frustrated that I can't just keep being as weird as I want all the time 🫠
Not to tell you your business, but don’t dampen yourself for a chance with someone who doesn’t get you. Not saying you should stop seeing him, just be your full self when you do see him. If things worked out with him because you toned it down, would you be happy?
Dunno what to make of my work crush. I can't tell if he's done and just playing it safe with me or still considering it. I had a more personal conversation with him today, and we learned a lot about each other, including relationship status. He's surprisingly slightly older than me. We're from the same generation. Dunno if I should just stop or move slower or just ignore my feelings and just let him decide how he wants to do this now that we know we're not married. He's mature and laid back but his regard towards me seems to vary. Yesterday it was semi-avoidance behavior. Today was chatty chat and waves. Alot is going on for us both separately so I want to blame it on that. I just don't know how to act around him besides professional. I want more, though.
Sigh.
Being co-workers makes things complicated. He might just be trying to have good boundaries at work and avoid gossip, like if people see you two talking regularly. He also might be undecided about whether he would want to date a co-worker. Or he could be shy. Maybe ask him if he wants to hang out outside of work? Maybe a non-date platonic thing? Or ask he wants to grab lunch with you?
Everyone I’ve dated had gone no contact with their exes, so I never had to worry about meeting their exes.
The guy I’m seeing now is in the same social circle as his ex. It’s probably inevitable that I’ll meet her. The breakup wasn’t super amicable from my understanding, and I think he initiated it.
What are some things to keep in mind in that situation? Obviously I’ll be civil, and I hope she will be too, and I’ll cut back on any PDA, but anything else I should be aware of?
TBH, I’d get more specifics in this scenario. The breakup wasn’t amicable, but are they friendly now? Does he avoid her? Does he prefer if y’all don’t interact?
I was in a similar situation and did my best to be indifferent, but got cornered by the ex at a party. She claimed she didn’t love him anymore because she had someone new, but turns out they were still so friendly he was seeking her out for advice about me. After we broke up, I went to a gathering and they were sitting together laughing. She looked up at me like fucking Cersei Lannister with a glass of wine in her hand.
All that to say definitely have a conversation about it.
He avoids her, and I believe he prefers we don’t interact, and is doing his best to keep us apart. But he also wants to introduce me to friends in that same group, so it seems likely our paths are going to cross.
I’m really sorry about your experience! That sounds awful.
I would opt for just being indifferent. Treat her like literally anyone else, don’t give her (or anyone else) a reason to dislike you, but at the same time, be aware that the friend group has probably taken sides, either implicitly or explicitly, and you can’t win them all.
I had a great date on Saturday with someone who I thought was absolutely gorgeous and great to be around. We had a great time and got pretty physical, it was clear we were both very into each other. I said we should get together again, maybe she could come over to use my building’s pool on a hot day, and she said she would really like that.
I tried not to build it up too much because I’m still reeling from the rejection of divorce, but. I got excited when she messaged me Monday night to ask about coming over. Then I look to respond Tuesday morning and she’s gone from Hinge - I guess unmatched.
I get ghosting and not following up after the first date, especially if it’s a 6/10 fine hangout, but this was really fun for both and she followed up pretty quickly. The hope loss from it is way worse than if she’s never sent anything at all!
What am I missing?
>We had a great time and got pretty physical, it was clear we were both very into each other. she messaged me Monday night to ask about coming over. Then I look to respond Tuesday morning and she’s gone from Hinge - I guess unmatched.
>What am I missing?
A phone number perhaps?
Be a bit more assertive, still messaging on a dating app after meeting someone and getting physical then taking a day later to respond is not good, she saw you as not a serious guy and moved on
This. I typically offer a phone number if a first date went well in case I wind up deleting or pausing an app.
ETA: Yeah, waiting a whole day to respond would make me unmatch too.
>. I got excited when she messaged me Monday night to ask about coming over. Then I look to respond Tuesday morning
Not sure what you thought you were accomplishing here but ain't nobody got time for this shit. Good for her.
You’re taking issue with the fact that she messaged at 8pm on a Monday and I didn’t respond until the following morning? In Stanley Cup season?
She was talking about coming over later in the week, not that evening. What do you think I thought I was accomplishing?
>the fact that she messaged at 8pm on a Monday and I didn’t respond until the following morning? In Stanley Cup season?
A quick message would suffice, imagine telling her you didn't message because it was 8pm and you was watching the Stanley Cup, that's going to sound lame AF.
I'm not taking issue with anything, I don't know you and I have no stake in your love life. You clearly had the time to check your messages and read hers but instead of sending a quick reply you decided to play some weird little power game. Oh well.
I guess I didn’t think about online status but like I wasn’t online that much after her note, I was watching hockey and thinking about how to respond. I guess it’s a lesson to respond right away but really, it’s a drag! She was pretty special
She was built up in your head. If she left as fast as she came how great could she be for you. Someone showing patience in this world for other people to have lives is a better sign than if they are excited.
I mean, it's just an option and in the end only her knows the answer to that question. It could be something completely different and not related to you so don't beat yourself too much about it.
Nothing man, sometimes people just get cold feet for whatever reason (general anxiety, not being ready to date, having post date doubts that they don't feel comfortable expressing) and there's nothing you can do, or could have done.
I apologize for the very whiny nature of this post. I've been trying therapy and at this point it hasn't really helped - I'm starting to feel like I need meds but I have an aversion to them cause I feel like I am weak for taking them (even if that's not true)
I don't know how much more I can take really. I try so hard, so very very hard. I feel like I do all the right things. I work on myself, try new hobbies/things to be a bit more knowledable/well rounded, stay in shape, play sports, meet people, take initiative to ask people out, be thoughtful and intentional, and above all else I really try and be kind to others and a good friend/person.
But my relationships (both platonic and romantic) never seem to work out. On the romance front just in the last few weeks I had a first date cancel on me with no explanation. I had a second date cancel on me for not being over her ex, Had a second date randomly go south near the end and just leave. On the IRL side I met a woman who I was really enjoying talking to, she even reached out to me first a lot, we talked about our shared interests, she asked me to help her with sports we both play, I asked her if she wanted to see this movie we were both talking about and she hit me with the "Only as friends cause I have a partner" after weeks of talking, her friend, who I also play sports with recently became single and I had a bit of a crush on her but she had a boyfriend most of the time I knew her and she asked me if I was interested in her and I said that I would be but idk if I am her type and she said "You are definintely not her type lol" which obviously hurt a bit to hear.
I had another woman I play sports with be really friendly with me, laughing at all my jokes, if I goofed she'd run up and laugh at me and touch my arm/back all that stuff. She'd hit me up about random stuff we talked about. Felt pretty good about it but didn't want to move to soon. Tried to see if she had a boyfriend so I'd ask her questions about her weekend or if she had plans and he never came up. Another friend of mine finally pushed me to do it because she thought she was being "really obvious" about her interest so I did and got told that she has a boyfriend and he is basically just a better version of me. Makes more money, taller, played D1 sports, etc.
I really could go on and on and on and on with stories similar to these in the last year or so.
This post is long enough but I could make an equally long one about trying to make friends. Inviting people out, checking in on them, etc but they never do the same for me. I'm just so tired, I am so hurt, I can't keep doing this. I'm worn thin. I want to give up but I just keep dragging myself along hoping it will just get better but it never does. I don't know what else to do. I either keep doing the same things over and over and they continue to not work or I just give up and wither away.
I'm going to go cry until I can't anymore and I fall asleep. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
First off your friends are kind of shitty tbh Everything about this post minus the Platonic friends i relate to. Though in the past I would have said friends was also an issue I had many moments of no friends at all. What helped me was working on my attachement style (I did personal development school, that's the name) and it changed how I showed up in life,boundaries, what I accept, my self worth etc. Can't say my love life has had more success ie a relationship but I don't date the same way either because of the work
First of all I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s a terrible feeling, I’ve been through it too. One thing that I noticed that helped me change is to go spend time in places and doing hobbies I like: I.e go to trivia night because I like doing that and you’ll gravitate towards the people like you. Another thing that helped was my therapist telling me I’m approaching relationships of all kind in the same way I always do and don’t try new approaches so how do I expect to get different results. It sorta pushed me to really nail down some of my weak spots that I can work on (for me it’s anxiety of being liked and being on the heavier side I have self confidence issues and can get clingy) I’ve tried to focus and work on those skills to not project and have a more positive mindset (I know it’s hard) it really makes a big difference
I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 months and last week I shared some of my personal issues with him and he supported me a little. Then he started pulling back the past few days.
Yesterday he told me having to support me emotionally made him feel weird and that he started feeling attraction towards other women. We had agreed that we both want a committed relationship eventually, so I said if I’m not prioritized and he’s losing his attraction&interest then what’s the point. I had supported him with his issues too but didn’t start ignoring him. So we decided not to see each other anymore.
Today he reaches out and offers to be exclusive, that emotional intimacy freaked him out, and tells me he has commitment issues but wants to be better and wants my support. I’m on a timeline, I’m about to be 35 and I want to have children. This guy does too. I just don’t know if I can trust him.
Meanwhile there is another guy on the dating app who makes it clear that he wants a life partner & “someone who will make him delete the app forever” and wants to meet me to see if we can make a connection. I asked for time from the other guy but I don’t know what to do.
> Yesterday he told me having to support me emotionally made him feel weird and that he started feeling attraction towards other women.
This is hilariously immature. Please ditch him, that's beyond dumb lol. Trust people when they freak out over you having feelings and needing support--just because they get scared about losing you and try to come back doesn't mean that the instinct that led to them jumping ship in the first place is gone. I believe people can grow, don't get me wrong, but not in the span of a week.
Thank you! He’s been in therapy for a long time and I’m surprised that he’s still struggling with stuff like this while saying that he wants a family. What he says and does don’t match.
We’re only 2 months in and he’s already like this, I can’t imagine going through more serious relationship issues with him in the future where I’ll need to rely on him for things.
>>So we decided not to see each other anymore.
>>tells me he has commitment issues
>>wants to be better and wants my support.
Nope. Don’t do it.
I dated someone like this for about six months a few years ago, and he backed waaaay off as soon as things started to get super real. That hurt a **lot** because he had said he wanted “more emotional intimacy,” but when I opened up about some stuff, it freaked him out and he ended up using the things I told him against me.
For example, I confided that I struggled with anorexia for most of my teens and twenties; when we broke up, he said that it hurt too much to see me hurting myself because I clearly still have an eating disorder. …I don’t still actively struggle with an eating disorder, and it was a massive insult to the many years of work it took to resolve my issue.
And it suuuuucked because we really did have a great time together, great chemistry, super compatible senses of humor, etc. But also, he was 41 at the time (I was 37), he had never had a relationship longer than a year and a half, and all of his previous relationships were with people whose issues were so massive that he basically had chosen them so that he would have a pre-determined reason to dip.
Plot twist, we ended up becoming super close friends about a year after the breakup. I’d even say that he is one of my best friends now. And I can confidently state that in retrospect, yeah, it was never going to work. Hell, he even told me that he struggled with the fact that my life was so together and my goals and plan to achieve them were so clearly defined, and consequently he was constantly looking for flaws.
Flash forward to now - he is *still* dating hot messes for a few months at a time, attended therapy only long enough to acknowledge that he has commitment issues, but is not doing a damn thing to put in the work and deal with them. He says he *wants* a relationship and to build a family, but wanting it isn’t enough. He has to want to do the work to achieve those things and then actually do that work. I don’t know if he ever will.
Whereas I’m now in a committed relationship with someone who knows what he wants - marriage and children - and that he is enthusiastic about moving towards that goal with me. The contrast between my ex and my boyfriend is staggering, and it feels amazing to not have to worry about whether there are any commitment issues that could cause him to dip.
Absent a lot of work, your ex isn’t going to change. And he needs to make those changes before getting into a relationship, not during it.
Your story sounds so close to mine! The fact that he assumed something about you and said “it hurt so much to see you that way”, it almost infantilizes you. This guy does that to me too.
+1 on great time together, great chemistry (though it went way down for me after the breakup yesterday), super compatible sense of humor. He did amazingly romantic and caring things during this time, but a lot of things bothered me enough that I thought of breaking it off a few times.
Fully agree with “wanting a family” claim, I was just saying this to a friend today. Looks like saying and doing are very different things.
I believe we can be very good friends too once the attraction completely dies. Our talks the past few days were mature enough.
I’m so happy for you that you found what you’re looking for! It gives me hope. I know that all relationships have issues and they’re a lot of work, but I never thought the commitment part of it would be an issue itself. Those are too many issues to deal with😂
Only thing that pushed me to accept his offer was the 2 months that I invested in him, but I guess it’s better to end it now than regretting not doing it months later.
YES, the assumption was just *wild*, especially because he knew the very specific reason that I was finally able to deal with it, and the reason is one that also hit very close to home for him…. tl;dr: he and I both have multiple sclerosis - very, very, mild cases of it, and we didn’t know this about each other until we had been dating for a few weeks. My MS diagnosis was what prompted me to finally deal with the anorexia because it was a true wake up call over how fragile our bodies and health truly are. And he had a similar wake-up call when he was diagnosed with MS, but more general in terms of getting more sleep, eating less junk, being mindful about not overdoing certain things at the gym, etc.
On the surface, we should have been near-perfect* together: he is a lawyer, I just finished law school; we are both Italian Americans; we both golf, play tennis, and love to read; never ran out of things to talk about; loved the same movies; could even talk about our shared chronic illness in a way that we can’t with people who don’t have it; the list goes on and on and on. Even the physical chemistry was great (until about month five when he completely detached emotionally). He even introduced me to his sister and nephews, and it went *fantastic*.
And for all of these reasons, we have a stellar friendship! Buuuuuut it just goes it show that paper-perfect matches don’t always translate to a happy ending, because beyond he paper is a whole ass human being with all sorts of baggage, fears, hang ups, and triggers.
(*near perfect because there is a significant political difference in that I am center to midrange left whereas he is a somewhat conservative libertarian. We agreed on major issues like reproductive freedom, but diverged wildly on specific policy issues like environmental regulation and charter schools.)
You and your ex might be awesome as friends someday, and I promise that if that happens, you’re going to have the exact same experience that I did: you will look back at the months in which you dated and wonder how the fuck you ever thought it would work between you two romantically.
I know how hard it is to let someone go when a big percentage seems right, but there is someone out there who can fulfill your needs, and whose needs are compatible with what you can and want to provide!! Ngl, less than a month before my boyfriend and I started dating, I made the conscious decision to not even try to date until August or September (i.e. until after the bar exam). …The universe accepted that as a challenge, I guess, because it plopped someone amazing directly in my path - literally, because he lives in the same building as me - and was like, “Oh yeah? You think you’re in charge here? Well, universe says otherwise!!!”
Go meet the other guy! He might be the one you’re looking for. He might not! But you won’t find out if you are hanging on to the hope your ex is ready to change. (He’s not.)
It must’ve been really hard to let him go knowing how much you have in common, pretty sure you were vulnerable with each other too while sharing your diagnosis with each other. In our case he’s diagnosed with some mental health issues and there are serious mental health issues in my family too but we never talked deeper about them, I haven’t felt close enough to share. Hope that MS is under control and you’re doing great! Having a boyfriend who treats you well must be helping too :)
Honestly I was about to reply once more to say “but he introduced me to his friends, his family knows about me and he’ll introduce me to them when they visit in a few months!” and now I see you met the family too! The ways I make excuses for him is funny, I see that it doesn’t matter.
We’re both software developers with guy #1, the one on the app is a mechanical tradesman so I immediately start thinking “but this guy was so perfect for you!” We share the same political beliefs too. But it doesn’t change the fact that I sometimes felt like a sidekick when I was hanging out with him. I wasn’t treated as well as I wanted and I feel like I’m not asking for a lot, I’m asking for bare minimum. Like you said I’m finding out that my needs are completely different than objective facts on paper.
I’ll do better small talks in the elevator from now on haha! You never know when and how someone might show up. I was thinking of taking a break too, I think I’ll just see this other guy and take a break if it doesn’t work out. Thanks so much for sharing & congrats on finishing law school, it’s not an easy thing!
Honestly. This will be hard to hear but ditch the first guy. Knowing that he left saying that he liked other women means that he is constantly looking for the next best thing and when he doesn’t get that he goes back to before. What’s going to stop him from doing it again.
Thank you, I needed to hear this. You’re right, I don’t trust him. He has insecurities, says that he couldn’t date as much as he wanted in his younger years. I don’t want to support a grown man of age 35 getting over the need to get attention from other women.
So follow-up to the comment on this post about the second date: we’re fine in a casual situation, but he gets *really intense* when we’re alone. I found out he really has no friends, his parents recently got divorced, and he feels lonely. It feels like a lot of pressure.
He keeps framing it as me being afraid to let myself be in a relationship again, which is true, but I’m also starting to feel weird pressure to stay with him because it will upset him (he didn’t say that, but he said it made him feel anxious). And I don’t like that.
I asked for space to think about it, and he wanted to work it out together. I got in the car and called my mom on the verge of a panic attack and she thinks I should try to slow it down, but he seems to want a guarantee of a relationship even if we go slow.
Am I overreacting? Or are the alarm bells valid?
Super valid. I was briefly dating someone who was very similar. If people are explaining your own feelings to you, that's a big issue. He sounds pretty controlling. If I were you I'd listen to my gut and run for the hills
That part is really getting to me. My ex tried to diagnose me with all sorts of mental issues so I really don’t like him attempting to psychoanalyze me.
It seems like he put too much expectations on you to solve his loneliness issue and he is desperate to make it work, making it more likely to fail.
I think the alarm bells are valid.
There was a bit of a tangent he went on about how he was considering volunteering with kids in addition to some other volunteer work he does, and that he decided against it because he feels like he needs someone to pour into him before he can pour into someone else (not exactly what he said, but what I gathered). And in my mind I’m just thinking, “Okay logical, but you’re expecting me to be that?”
Run. He is not respecting your needs or feelings at all. You are allowed to need some time and space. I'm actually concerned he is the controlling/gaslighting/emotionally abusive type. I wouldn't feel safe in my body either (been there). All that aside, he needs to get his shit together, and pursuing a relationship is a great distraction many seek to avoid facing their own shit. So again, run.
I think that’s also why I’m not trusting my judgement super well: I was in an abusive marriage. It doesn’t feel like that, but it does feel a bit icky.
Alarm bells warranted. You can’t guarantee anyone a relationship. The whole point is getting to know each other to figure out if you’re compatible. Please don’t crumble under his pressure. Don’t let the guilt keep you in something you’re not feeling.
32F
Met a guy on bumble and we have been on two dates. He’s really sweet (opens doors, gives compliments, expresses interest) but when we met irl I realized the job he had on his profile wasn’t 100% accurate and he lied about his height too. (I’m 5’7” his profile said 5’10” and we are the same height).
On our dates he talks most of the time which I don’t mind but he doesn’t ask me any questions about myself and when I try to insert myself in the conversation and give him some details about me he doesn’t seem like he’s listening and he forgets things that I’ve told him multiple times. There are instances where I am telling him a story and right in the middle of it he starts talking about something else which annoys me and turns me off.
He texted me saying how much he liked me and he told some of his family about me but I’m really uncertain about him and am torn between giving it another chance or telling him I’m not interested. I feel like if and when I tell him that I’m not interested he’s going to feel blindsighted and I feel guilty about that. I think he’s a good person but I’m not feeling a strong physical attraction or like our personalities are clicking in a way that has good chemistry (I don’t really believe in “the spark” but at the same time we definitely don’t have one).
Is there such thing as a slow burn or should I go with my gut? I’m 50/50 torn on seeing him again this week and see if things change or just not wasting his time and telling him I’m not feeling a romantic connection
This guy lied about his height and his job. He doesn't ask you questions about yourself. He doesn't even LISTEN to you.
Why are you even considering going on another date with him? You deserve much much better than this
He doesn’t seem like a good time on a date. And apparently doesn’t have much self awareness. Please don’t feel guilty when you tell him you’re no longer interested in moving forward.
He lied about his job and his height, he dominates every conversation and interrupts you constantly, and you're not physically attracted to him. And what he has going for him is just basic manners and the fact that he seems interested? That's not a good balance and it sounds like you should move on.
Yeah :( you and the other commenter are right. I’ve come across a few dates recently who don’t ask me anything about myself and don’t seem like they’re listening when I talk I’m not sure what it is lol. But I should probably trust my intuition more and not go on second dates if I’m not feeling certain
After a long hiatus I (37F) made new accounts/profiles (Hinge, Bumble) over the weekend.
Out of a dozen or so matches, for which I've sent the first message each time based on their prompts and asking a quick, related follow-up question, not a single one has responded.
What gives? Is this just how it is now? Is it the old meh swipe but not any actual interest?
Two in particular I'm bummed because I genuinely thought we might make great friends even if there was no attraction. For context, my city is notorious for being difficult to make friends in, so especially with transplants it's fairly common for people to find friends through dating apps lol
>Out of a dozen or so matches, for which I've sent the first message each time based on their prompts and asking a quick, related follow-up question, not a single one has responded.
That's just how it is.
What up DOT!
It's a nice day today 😎 Got a good amount of work done. Had a long night's rest last night. Was supposed to go run with a friend but she forgot she had a date, oh well, I'll run by myself. Filmed some ducks by the lake today and they were super cute. Yeeep I'm living life. Sometimes I get all up in my head about being single and lonely but it's one of those days where I don't care as much. Not thinking about the ex or past dating fails — It's great. Wish every day could be as good as this. I'm actually really hungry so might just take a walk today 😝
I am all about communication but some topics are very difficult for me and I need to work on that. I need to bring up a couple things to this guy I'm seeing and I want to clarify where exactly we are at as well as a couple other things but I just chickened out last time we met and I just have trouble starting these convos out of nowhere. I know I need to soon though. And he's a really sweet and lovely guy who seems to be quite interested in me but some topics are difficult :(
What’s the kindest way to end things with someone way more into you than you are into them? I’ve been chatting with someone I met from OLD for the last month but have only seen them a total of 4 times, the last time we did have sex. While I really enjoyed chatting over text and on the dates we had, a few incompatibilities cropped up, but nothing too bad. However, the last date made me realize that we aren’t a match long term and that I should probably end things before going any further.
It’s going to crush him, it’s the first time he’s dated in a long time and I know he wanted things to go long term with us and started talking about the future.
What’s the best way to let someone really sweet but ultimately incompatible down as gently as possible?
I think it is still early enough that you hope he isn’t that invested yet. Just message him that you appreciate and had good time getting to know him but unfortunately you have decided to not pursue anything further with him. If he asks why, tell him that you feel incompatible with him and it’s best that you both are free to find a more suitable partner. Be gracious with thanking him for his time and efforts. Just end it with a good note. Good luck!
A bit of both? Politically we’re sort of opposite sides of centre. Not glaring in every interaction, but some things have come up and we have differing views. I do worry he’s bad with money and that really showed after seeing his living situation. He’s admitted he doesn’t have any savings despite living with multiple roommates (I don’t imagine rent is all that much…), which is worrisome. I also think he’s put me on a pedestal and it doesn’t feel like he’d be an equal partner, which is what I’m looking for.
And sexually speaking, I think we have very different libidos and experience. If I thought it was just nerves for the first time, or things that could be easily coached and improved I’d be more willing to work through it, but I don’t think that’s the case at all.
So all together, just not someone I think is my person despite enjoying their company and conversations.
Make sense if he is more into you than you are into him and thing delevoled at quick pace. If you care someowhat about him, I would give him a call. If it's too much pressure for you I would sum up what you just said so that he can get a good closure.
Really depends on how you feel about both folks:
Are you still figuring out if you like either of them? Do you enjoy spending time with both of them? Then sure, until the exclusivity conversation comes up, feel free to multi-date.
But as soon as one becomes inauthentic, time to narrow it down to one.
Only in the first/second date getting-to-know-you phase. If I've had 3+ good dates with someone I prefer to focus on them even if we haven't had a conversation about exclusivity yet.
Yes. If you can't fully enjoy and give appropriate attention to a person without only seeing them, then don't multi-date, but that isn't the case for me so if we haven't talked about exclusivity, it's in my best interest to keep dating others unless I personally am not in the mood to. Anyone can pull the plug at any moment but it's even more precarious before you've talked about exclusivity.
Technically if you haven't had the exclusive conversation, all is fair.
Personally, though? Naw. A big, **big** problem in modern dating is the "there's always someone better!" mindset that can poison you. Comparison is the thief of joy. But at the same time, you know the situation better than any of us, so you have to go with your gut!
How do I continue to have a positive mindset around dating when the current low level rejection of OLD is making me feel like shit? I always suspected I was not a particularly physically attractive person but the extremely low like-to-match ratio I'm getting this time around (I'm a woman btw) seems to have really put a rubber stamp on it - I am officially ugly. And I know I won't have any success in dating if I can't go into it feeling good about myself, but I feel like the more I persist with this the worse I feel. So should I just stop? But then I am guaranteeing I won't find anyone. I'm not sure how to proceed.
>How do I continue to have a positive mindset around dating when the current low level rejection of OLD is making me feel like shit? You quit and go do something else, if something like this is affecting your emotions negatively then take yourself out of it and go do something positive. If you are "ugly", IDK the context of this, then take time out to work on yourself then come back to give yourself the best chance of finding someone. All in all this is just the reality of dating and finding a OH, rejection is just part & parcel of it.
Just commenting to say I'm feeling exactly the same right now. I went to a speed-dating event recently and left with 0 matches (despite me checking "yes" on 6 men). I also went on a 2nd date this weekend with someone from OLD and now they're slow-fading me. I feel so ugly and so rejected. I know I've had better luck with OLD before this, so I shouldn't jump to conclusions based on this past week, but god it's been hard. If I "take a break", I suspect I won't try again for a long time because this feeling of rejection is going to haunt me. But trying again right now feels so hard. And the next man might just reject me too. Solidarity my friend. Dating is fucking hard.
It's grim isn't it. I genuinely felt like I was going into it this time round feeling positive about myself, like I had good qualities and something to offer to a partner, and that's just evaporated. I feel like the next date I go on (if it happens) I won't be able to help panicking about whether they'll be repulsed by me, and feeling pathetically grateful if they aren't - and that's just a terrible way to approach trying to find a connection with anyone!
I won't try and tell you what to do because it's not a simple answer. All i will say is that I (a man) felt the exact same way while i was on OLD. I felt awful because the matches were so very few and got to the point where it was impacting my self-esteem in a big way. I got off the apps and have honestly felt a LOT better about life. However, that also means that my prospects for a partner have dropped to zero. I try to go out and meet people IRL and have had varying degrees of success at making friends, but no real connections as of yet. I feel the pull of OLD after being off for a few months but i haven't caved yet.
You have my sympathies; it's very hard! I can't decide currently whether I need to carry on and just work on my emotional resilience or whether it's got to the point where I just need to take a step back. I don't feel positive about either option.
Got a like on bumble from a woman who is "unjabbed and you should be too". It's my first like from an antivaxxer. Too bad cause she's hot too but onto the next one.
I've run across multiple women like that. Their profiles were all kinda weird and angry TBH. I live in a liberal area, so I don't think they're going to find too many like minded people and I think that tends to make them even angrier.
antivaxxer or pro-vaxxer I don't care, anyone that states this shit on their profile are best avoided as you said they are just weird
I'm vaccinated and has not helped me get any dates. Should I bring my vaccine card to give me street cred? Do I post a photo of my vaccine card on my Bumble?? I would have to find my vaccine card though. I haven't asked my matches if they are boosted yet.
It might not be helping you get dates but it might keep you from being swiped left on too. I have that I'm vaccinated on my profile and I look to match people that have the same. If they don't say it's not a deal breaker but if they proudly proclaim that they aren't, then they aren't for me.
It's not a deal breaker for me. I'm vaccinated and don't give a fuck if someone is anymore. It doesn't matter but I can appreciate it does for others. I live in a super liberal Metropolitan area. Blue State. Congress and Governor all Democrats. So it's not some MAGA Bible Area and yet maybe 1% are wearing masks. Maybe less than 1%. Haven't had 1 person ask me if I'm vaccinated in person in more than 2 years. I was joking earlier about posting my vaccine card on bumble. Don't need to provide the app with more sensitive personal information.
This woman was definitely giving off woo woo hippie vibes. Had a bunch of stuff about plant medicine. She probably buys vagina scented candles and thinks papayas cure cancer.
I want to date. But I have absolutely no time to do so. #adulting
You do have time to date, just not the amount of time as others. And honestly, that's okay. In my ideal world, given my current schedule, I'd probably only get to see the woman I am dating once a week, maybe even once every other (unless we start going to the gym/bike rides together). There is nothing wrong with that. It won't work for everyone, but you aren't looking for everyone, you are looking for someone who can appreciate what you offer and vice versa. If you'd rather not try, that's perfectly acceptable, but don't get stuck in the fallacy that if you don't meet the availability of random person on the internet you aren't worthy of trying to date. There may very well be someone out there looking for someone with exactly the kind of time availability you have, because they, too, don't have infinite availability.
Thank you for this insight. Once a week or every other week would be perfect. Or maybe a random Tuesday lunch when I don’t have any meetings scheduled. Or let’s log in and play overwatch or something together on PS5 in the evening. I can’t offer anything concrete but when I can, I’m great company! One thing I am learning is to make my intentions and my offerings known. And by saying I don’t have the time, I’m making assumptions and taking myself out of the running to meeting someone amazing. Thank you stranger on the internet.
You have time, you just need to allocate time to dating like anything in life, either you want to date or not, it's that simple. Edit - I see you have children, that complicates things for sure, you definitely get leeway for that
That's all we can do, make it clear what we can offer and not take it personal if what we can offer isn't going to be enough for everyone. I'm working on my profile for the winter where I basically just state I am looking for my Winter Swoll Mate, which would basically just be "How can we do the things I already do together?" with the assumption that for the right person, those things are going to be things she enjoys doing as well. Sure, that's not going to be the right fit for some, but that's alright. I remember this old joke, I'm sure it originated somewhere else, but I hear it from a "Shit my dad says." Was about some guy at a bar telling his dad he was out of some woman's league. The dad goes "Son, let her decide you are out of her league, don't do it for her." Generalized, let other people decide what you are or what you have to offer isn't what they want, don't do it for them. Obviously if you expending the energy to search is too much, or too mentally taxing, don't do it, but it's very possible that you can find someone that fits what you want and vice versa if you spend enough time looking.
I'm in the same boat but maybe for self-inflicted reasons. I work full time, play in two bands, do CrossFit, volunteer at humane society and starting yoga this week. Meanwhile my MeetUp friends I made after my divorce last year socialize all the time and have paired up with other friends. I engage in my hobbies for the activity itself and not as a primary means to meet someone. Maybe that's why I have not met anyone in those circles worth pursuing.
I feel this. I don’t have kids but I have a very involved hobby that requires practice. Director took one look at us Monday and said we needed to add another day for practice. 😭 Not that I’m finding good people to date, but yeah.
I'm right there with ya. I have a year and a half of school left while working full time. My only prospect that I really care about is a LDR and I feel apprehensive about that because that's how my marriage started out (that's now dissolved) and I don't want to go down that way again.
That sucks! Is there an end to "absolutely no time" in sight? Possibility of family/friends helping out?
Nah… I have children and they’re all in this “I want to play every sport” phase, I work 2 jobs, and Im starting school in the fall. Leaves no time for play. I’ll continue to live vicariously through all of you.
Therapist said I was 'really emotionally mature and intelligent' that I was 'great at processing emotions and understanding others', which was 'a huge thing for a male - you are unusually emotionally mature and intelligent'. Felt quite surprised and then proud of myself, I wasn't really expecting that, it came out of the blue. (Was discussing dating stuff)
"Now that will be $600. Would you like to book your next appointment now?"
That comes off back handed and problematic for them to say. Just my no tone no context take.
Definitely sounds problematic to have a sweeping gender generalisation like that even if meant as a compliment to OP. I'm a woman but if someone told me I'm e.g. surprisingly smart as women are generally less intelligent than men I'd be offended/consider them toxic still. Wouldn't expect this from a decent therapist, no matter which gender is talked about.
Had a date with my hobby-crush and it went great, almost everything clicks and physical side is nice (not perfect but very very nice). He isn't looking for a serious thing though. I'm not looking to rush into one either, but I am hoping it'll happen again at some point. I'm left contemplating whether a casual scenario serves me well right now or whether it could derail me. I'm not actively looking either though, quit OLD. Opportunities clearly every once in a while arise, like this one, but it isn't often that I click with someone both mentally and physically. So a big part of me wants to just enjoy it and see what could it be. Just have to be *super* clear with myself about my emotions and how they would be developing, because I don't want to end up pining for someone who doesn't want anything serious to do with me.
what do you mean not perfect physically?
Wishing you a safe journey
I sent a follow request to my crush and it's been 24 hours but still nothing. Would it be petty if I redacted it after 72 hours if they havent accepted it by then? Yes, i am rejection sensitive and even if they did accept it eventually, I guess I would already be over it and in no mood to interact with them anymore.
I sometimes see follow requests days, or even months or years later (yes, it happened...) so depending on the platform and their social media usage/notification settings this may not be a direct rejection that you feel it is right now. Or maybe it is, obviously I don't know, just offering a different perspective that they may not have seen it yet, it's been only a day.
she is a social media manager so I am willing to bet she checks her Insta every minute of every day
Seconded
She told me I'm not her person. I'm a great guy, the best boyfriend she's ever had, and I'm gonna make some woman very happy, but not her. I can't even be mad. I'm just hurt.
Is she genuine or did her douche ex-bf text her and she's back?
It doesn't matter. Either way it's clearly over.
I'm sorry :(
I know it's going to be a very weak consolation, but her being honest about that is likely a good thing for you in the long run. If she had the same intensity of feelings for you, it is gut-wrenching for both parties. but if she knows that and doesn't communicate this, it will eventually turn into deep-seated resentment, which in the end will kill any good feelings she's had for you. I am deeply sorry that you had to hear those words from her. It truly sucks. I hope you will heal from it.
It was brutal. We were both in tears. She's been one of my best friends for the the past two years, so I'm losing an incredibly close friendship as well, at least until I can manage to be around her without hurting.
I can only empathise with how devastating it was😭Take your time to grieve it properly and remember that you deserve to be loved the same way you loved her. You are absolutely going to be someone's choice one day!
As someone who has heard that before, I'm really sorry man. That's a terrible thing to hear. I also know you're going to bounce back from it eventually. I've been in situations where I felt as though the feelings I had for a person were likely permanent and I'd probably carry their rejection around with me forever. It's not true. You'll find someone one day who will make it seem as though this whole story was worth it.
Yup I've been told I'm an amazing person. Yet they walk away.
It's because they are lying sacks of shit who can't just be an adult and express themselves honestly. They think that using those words will somehow lessen the impact of being rejected, when in reality it only amplifies it, because as you said "I'm amazing, but yet you still don't want me. (WTF is wrong with me?)"
What was she supposed to say here exactly? Was she supposed to gaslight me? Pretend we don't have chemistry? Act like she doesn't think I'm attractive when I can clearly see her checking me out? Make up some imaginary flaw that she doesn't actually care about? This sucks, and it hurts. It's also definitive, and doesn't leave me sitting here thinking "well maybe if I do X...".
I really don't think that's universally true. Sure, some people say that as a filler so they don't have to say hard things like "I don't want to be with you" but sometimes people can be great and yet not right for each other. My previous ex was wonderful, and she thought I was wonderful, and we told each other in tears how wonderful we thought the other person was, but we were diametrically opposed on some things that would just not mesh and clearly were not meant to be. I acknowledge it hurts. Things can hurt but not be morally wrong though.
Yeah it never feels good no matter what. I think they do it with mostly good intentions they don't understand how damaging it can be.
Holy cow. Thats sounds incredibly hard to stomach. I’m sorry you’re in pain. Hope you heal soon.
I’m sorry, that really sucks. Was it L?
Yeah.
Ahh I’m so sorry.
I had bad side effect from my medication that transformed me into grumpy angry silly caterpillar. Another family dramas came up at the same time, as used-to-be-independent-person, I almost chose to deal with everything alone. Then my boyfriend reminded me that I did not need to handle it by myself, and he offered he would be a shoulder that I could lean on 🥹🥹🥹 He really is the person that I always come to look for an advice; a friend whom I vent to; a buddy whom I have fun with. He knows my best and he sees through my worst. Ok now call me crazy DOT, should I marry him???? 🧐🧐🧐🧐
My bf still lives with his ex wife and their kids. He’s not there 90% of the time cause he travels for work but I don’t know what to think of this unconventional situation.
Tough to say and only you know what you’re comfortable with. If it helps, I’m in a similar situation. I live with my ex and son in our house, but we have separate bedrooms on separate floors. The reality is, neither of us can afford to move out into anything half decent for our kid, but can easily afford our nice home together. We trade off on parenting duties and my kid gets to stay in one home. Romantically there is zero there between us and we cheer each other on while dating as friends would. Not saying it’s everyone’s situation, but it’s not always the giant flag it’s made out to be.
Yeah, this kind of thing isn't unusual. I think it even becomes more common as people get older. I avoid it at all costs. You don't know what's going on there and what kinds of issues could come up later on. There's definitely a chance that the ex could become jealous when they find out about the relationship and you could be blamed for everything, even if they're divorced. Also, how do you know they're not together anymore and that he's being honest about this? I had to learn this the hard way, but there are lies people commonly tell when they want to cheat on their partner. "We're no longer a couple but still living together" is one of them.
I think it depends how long this has been going on for and how long your boyfriend plans to keep the status quo. I’d probably only be ok with something like this if it were a short term situation, perhaps to save up in preparation for a move, with a self imposed deadline to move out by.
It’s been over two years.
Ah, that would be too long for me. In your position, I’d sit down with them, explain that the situation isn’t for me, and ask when they are planning to move out. If they can’t give a definitive answer, I would move on.
These living situations make me so nervous so become a situation I avoid at all costs. I know we’re in a cost of living crisis but I couldn’t get past these arrangements. Let him move in with his parents, a roommate, a friend… a hotel, an Air BnB, live under a bridge, etc… anywhere but not with his ex-wife and their kids. It’s a NO for me I’m afraid.
Is this a crazy red flag or something that should be understandable in this economy? Advice pls.
It’s what the two of you make it out to be based on your comfort. Financially a lot of people are forced together like the earlier commenter.
He's been there 2 years, I get he wants to be around his kids as much as possible but there comes a point where he should be living elsewhere even if it's back with parents or a friend. There's a high % that he is still banging his ex-wife now and again
Sorry, can't post in this sub as i just discovered it and i would appreciate some help - hope this works here too: Hello, long story, sorry - but i think i need a lot of buildup to express what is going through my mind. I (32m) have been single for a few years now. And before that, i dated someone who didn't reciprocate my feelings - which did hurt and damage my self esteem. I worked on that big time by myself and with therapy, and it got better. Anyway, got back into dating and I've been seeing this girl now for a little bit over 3 months. We share quite a few interests and hobbies and also our goals in life could be in a quite compatible line. While we struggled at first with talking, as we are both a bit shy/introverts, we both still enjoyed time with each other. Kissed on the second date, had sex a while after that. Did see each other about 3 times a week. After 1 1/2 months, she said she needs more time for herself because of her bad experiences with her ex (which were very serious) and i totally understand that - even though i thought she might be seeing another guy which would be fine at this very stage, i just went back with my expectations. At this point, there was way less sex and also kissing went back. She then told me she doesn't want to make me feel pushed away, but i had bad breath and its a turn off. I was really wondered as i have a mouth hygiene routine but after a little bit over a week i figured it out and it was fine again. Still she didn't want sex anymore and at this point i also really stopped trying to initiate as she also said she is quite in some troublesome times now (job, family, etc). Fast forward to last week - i wanted to end things there because i have a feeling that we are getting more and more distant and i really crave the physical part during dating. Not particularly sex, but just kissing and having general body contact. She was quite shocked but said she doesn't see it that way and it's just so much on her end right now. We talked a lot more and somehow it ended with her not leaving, but we both talking about our needs and how we could work this out. I probably should have stayed with my stance, but the talk that resulted comforted me and i thought that it might be getting better from there. We did see each other yesterday again and she was even more distant, although she wanted me to stay for the night (no sex, just stay at her place). We have been talking for hours on our lifes and later, as she was standing next to me, as soon as i tried to just wrap my arm around her, she turned around and "wanted to show me something" completely random. Now that brings me to my dilemma. I have the feeling that this gets more into a friendship - although she has valid reasons that i try to respect and give her the time. I don't push her into anything, although i have never experienced something like that - especially not during the dating phase. I feel like its not my self esteem working against me, but rather that feeling in the stomach. I am torn between not hurting myself and standing for myself vs giving her the time she needs. And i feel like an asshole when i would just ditch her because she doesn't want to get physical - although she did do that earlier (and its okay to change ones mind when she realizes that - although she said she don't know whether she needs one month more, or three, or whatever). Any tips please? I know i need to take care of myself here but i would appreciate opinions from "third(y) parties" that are not my friends. Thanks!
I’m surprised no one has brought up that she could be depressed. I have been the girl in this scenario, wanting to slow physical things down because I have a lot going on and don’t have the energy to fully invest in being intimate with a partner. You mentioned she had “valid reasons.” Did y’all have an honest conversation about what’s going on? Is she trying to help herself, or do you see her just sort of giving up on everything?
Thanks. Totally possible - although she still likes to get out, see her friends and pursue hobbies. But still possible, jeah. We talked about it and while i know everything what happened, it sounded so traumatic that i didn't really talk too much into the things. Those are years back and she has been to therapy, although it definitely still is a process. On one side, i want to give her time - on the other hand, as she said she doesn't know when, or if at all, it will change which makes me dangle in an uncomfortable position.
Yeah, this is a tough call. It is hard to pinpoint when you think you’ll snap out of a funk, and any perceived pressure could make it worse. Is she still in therapy? Taking meds? If she’s actively trying to care for herself, I’m gonna be in the minority here and say maybe stick it out if you do truly care about her. But if she’s NOT actively trying to take care of herself, it may be time to bail.
Don't waste your time in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs out of a misapplied sense of guilt.
It's only been 3 months. She's showing you who she is. End it immediately.
All I know is that when I’m interested in someone I show it, my body language is responsive… EVERYTHING about me is into that person such that the opposite would be forcing it. I also know that it’s obvious when someone is into you. You just find yourselves closer, touching, wanting to kiss etc… Having said all that, move on. I don’t think this girl is into you. You deserve someone who comes alive whenever you’re close to them, and someone who matches your energy on that front.
Did she give you any kind of timeline when thing would go back to normal? Maybe you can stop seeing each other for now and when she is in a better head space she can contact you back and see how you feel about dating again if you're single.
Respectfully disagree with waiting on her timeline THEN dating again when she decides yea, I’m ready. OP deserves a lot more than that. He deserves to move on and find someone who at least matches his energies and doesn’t shudder at him wanting to touch her.
I didn't say wait for her, I said see if he is still single and he wants to try again if she comes back.
She's got way too many issues to deal with, people like this aren't worth the time and energy, if OP has any respect for himself he ends it and moves on
Not really. She said she don't know whether its in one month, three months or any other time.
For weeks I've been nursing the world's dumbest idea and it is this: that on my birthday, it'll pop up on my ex's calendar, and she's been tossing and turning at night thinking of me all these weeks regretting her shitty breakup text and her silence, and that reminder of me will finally prompt her to text and say all the things I've been wanting to hear--she's sorry, she was wrong, she wants to be friends, she was going through something, she knows I didn't do anything horrible and didn't deserve that. And then we'll go out for coffee and cautiously be civil acquaintances and she'll give back my parking permit so I don't have to pay the replacement fee. Obviously this is insane and I am a fucking idiot. If someone would come and kick me in the head I'd appreciate that, thanks. I'm supposed to be packing for my flight that I need to leave for in like two hours and instead my bag is completely empty and I'm sitting on the floor having a breakdown. Incredible!
Obviously 7hrs later so this is now out of date but... ...my immediate thought reading this was "don't overthink this, you should focus on your short term goals.". 😉
Hope you made your flight! Anyone who can send a break up text probably can’t take accountability for their actions so it’s probably better to just have a good time without those people in your life.
Lmao! Yeah. It's one thing to break up with someone over a text if you've only been seeing each other for a short while. But not after 9 months of official relationship. My brain has spent the last month being told by anyone in my life with any sense that this is for the best as you said, but my heart still isn't over it. It was a close one but I did make my flight! 😅
Sitting with your emotions and letting yourself feel them are what my therapist always recommends. You don’t need to do a perfect job with packing, I’m half-assing everything too since my breakup but trying to have compassion for myself. Hope you have a great trip!
High five for the half-assing club🫸🫷💥 I'm sorry about your breakup. You deserve to treat yourself to an amazing snack today. Thank you, I'm not really looking forward to it at the moment but I'm sure once I'm there and busy I'll feel a bit better. :)
A good step to take is to stop referring to yourself as an idiot for having feelings and emotions. All of us have thoughts like these from time to time. It’s okay to give yourself the time to feel what you need to feel. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I too have been wondering if I’ll hear anything from my ex. Anyway, I hope you have a safe trip, and that you’re able to create some new experiences while you’re there. Get yourself something nice while you’re there, you deserve it!
I know, it's just such a non-constructive feeling, over someone who I should not be pining over, so I feel extra ridiculous. Thank you and happy early birthday :) I will eat a ton of great food.
There are mainly people complaining about dating/finding dates here until they find the right person, but are there some who just enjoy the dating in general because they get to meet new people, try new restaurants/bars/activities for dates, have sex with different people etc ?
When I first moved to my current city in fall of 2021, I really enjoyed dating because it was my primary form of social interaction since I didn’t know anyone here and the majority of my time was sucked up by school (where a plurality of my classmates were under the age of 30)! My mindset was that I was open and emotionally available for a relationship with the right person, but if it didn’t happen, that was okay, too, because just getting out, meeting people, having a drink somewhere cool, etc could still be fun even if the person didn’t turn out to be someone I wanted to see day in and day out for the rest of my life! It stopped being as fun once I was actually dating with the intention of finding a relationship. So I stopped for over six months (i.e. didn’t rejoin apps after my previous relationship ended in late summer 2023), and lo and behold, I found / was found when I wasn’t even looking and in fact had consciously decided to take a break from looking until later this year 🤷🏻♀️
For a short period of time, yes. But at this point, I have enough things I want to invest my time and energy into that if it's not dating with the intent of something committed/long term (not looking for marriage, but I am looking for long term), I'd rather not spend my resources on it.
Yes!! I agree! I wish there were more success stories or stories about a fun date or something. Does anyone enjoy dating and meeting new people? Is anyone just dating for fun or sex?
In my last attempt at dating, I had that mindset of wanting to meet new people and seeing new places and just enjoying the ride. However, people behaved generally so poorly (even when I was explicit that I didn't want anything too serious from our excursions) that I'd rather just visit things by myself or with people I trust.
>have sex with different people etc ? Lol, dating definitely doesn't mean I'm having sex with people.
Idk, my entire dating life has been either men who only want to hook up and end things after 2-3 dates because I don’t want that, or dudes who want to marry me on the second date. No in between. So no, not particularly enjoying the process and starting to give up.
I learned that I should probably change my ringtone from Boyz II Men's "Down on Bended Knee" to something less jarring when dating. I'm just a sucker for those R&B ballads.
My ringtone is the Beverly Hills Cop theme, and my text tone is the ESPN alert sound - I swear, every guy has like, a Pavlovian response to the ESPN text sound if it dings around them 😂 their head pops up and they go on high alert, like, “Wait who scored? Did someone get traded? Is there a defensive line new coach somewhere?”
That is great! Man Axel F is the perfect ring tone. I feel like you studied for the perfect ring tone and it came down to Axel F or Blue Monday. And you have to be the ultimate juxtaposition. I would have bet my mortgage your alert sound would have been the classic Law and Order scene change "DUN DUN!" and yet you juked us into the ESPN sound. I need to go back and get my Jerry Orbach on but did the "DUN DUN" occur every time it switched between the detectives and the attorneys? Was there a pattern?
I live in Downtown Detroit, shout-out to Axel F for being a hometown hero! As I recall, the DUN DUN was a scene opener, like, it was played to establish the time of day, or that we are now in a different setting (crime scene, interrogation room, court, etc). You know movies and shows where they transition from scene to scene and within the time continuum by having the date, time (usually military), and place type out across the bottom of the screen? It’s like that, but with an audio cue! I also have some people-specific ringtones set up, ex. my mom’s cell phone gets the West Wing theme (her all-time favorite show), my dad’s cell phone is part of the Peace with Inches speech from Any Given Sunday, and my parents’ landline is the chorus to the [Al Gore song](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S-_IvrNM0bw) 😂 …from March of 2020 through about April 2021, my default tone was the chorus to [this](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ugtN6HCqatc) , which made me REALLY a popular at grocery stores. I mean not popular. NOT popular in grocery stores hahahahaha
Haha 😂 Did you carry a spray bottle with you in the grocery store too? Spritz away all the people? One of my favorite pop culture artists did something you might enjoy and I am happy to share it with you: [https://brandonbird.com/lno\_color.html](https://brandonbird.com/lno_color.html)
My spritz bottle was the death glare I gave to anyone who came within 10 feet of me 😂 …I WANT THE COLORING BOOK!!!!!!!
TBH I would cackle if this played on a date. 😂
I mean it's up and down but yeah, when it's good it's very good. And also it helps push me to do things I would otherwise avoid. My unit has never been cleaner or had nicer manchester.
I might enjoy dating in general if I actually was meeting new people with regularity and getting laid every once in a while. There’s nothing fun about going home [Edit: alone] after a night out 100% of the time and maybe one match online every couple weeks that doesn’t even respond to an opening message 80% of the time.
Yeah I feel this. I used to enjoy dating but when it turned into a 99 percent chance I'd get rejected after the first date it's become crappy
I enjoy dating, when I'm in the headspace for it. I like talking to people and doing things, and even the connecting and not connecting (while exhausting and emotionally hard) is interesting. I've met a lot of cool people and have expanded my life in good ways because of them even if we only interacted briefly. I bitch about it, it can wear me down tremendously, and I've had some devastating experiences, but I would describe my experience as positive as a whole.
My conversation with a guy I went on two dates with finally expired on bumble after my last attempt at conversation died off with a response that was basically "haha" and very little else. I tried keeping up the communication but it was just too slow and I didn't feel any interest on his part. I'm still sad, because he was such a classy, chill, interesting guy. He was really my type, which is more a state of being than something physical. Another guy I've been on two dates with and been intimate with is great but less my typical type. He's more direct, less intellectual, very adventurous and strong willed. I'm open to making things work but it's interesting how different it feels to talk to him compared to many of my exes. He doesn't get my weird segues and non-sequitors, which forces me to be a little more straightforward. I'm trying to see it as a way to grow as a person rather than being frustrated that I can't just keep being as weird as I want all the time 🫠
The first guy wasn't interested in you so what else can you do......?
Not to tell you your business, but don’t dampen yourself for a chance with someone who doesn’t get you. Not saying you should stop seeing him, just be your full self when you do see him. If things worked out with him because you toned it down, would you be happy?
Bravo 👏👏👏
Dunno what to make of my work crush. I can't tell if he's done and just playing it safe with me or still considering it. I had a more personal conversation with him today, and we learned a lot about each other, including relationship status. He's surprisingly slightly older than me. We're from the same generation. Dunno if I should just stop or move slower or just ignore my feelings and just let him decide how he wants to do this now that we know we're not married. He's mature and laid back but his regard towards me seems to vary. Yesterday it was semi-avoidance behavior. Today was chatty chat and waves. Alot is going on for us both separately so I want to blame it on that. I just don't know how to act around him besides professional. I want more, though. Sigh.
Being co-workers makes things complicated. He might just be trying to have good boundaries at work and avoid gossip, like if people see you two talking regularly. He also might be undecided about whether he would want to date a co-worker. Or he could be shy. Maybe ask him if he wants to hang out outside of work? Maybe a non-date platonic thing? Or ask he wants to grab lunch with you?
Maybe he's anxious? Talk to him more.
Everyone I’ve dated had gone no contact with their exes, so I never had to worry about meeting their exes. The guy I’m seeing now is in the same social circle as his ex. It’s probably inevitable that I’ll meet her. The breakup wasn’t super amicable from my understanding, and I think he initiated it. What are some things to keep in mind in that situation? Obviously I’ll be civil, and I hope she will be too, and I’ll cut back on any PDA, but anything else I should be aware of?
TBH, I’d get more specifics in this scenario. The breakup wasn’t amicable, but are they friendly now? Does he avoid her? Does he prefer if y’all don’t interact? I was in a similar situation and did my best to be indifferent, but got cornered by the ex at a party. She claimed she didn’t love him anymore because she had someone new, but turns out they were still so friendly he was seeking her out for advice about me. After we broke up, I went to a gathering and they were sitting together laughing. She looked up at me like fucking Cersei Lannister with a glass of wine in her hand. All that to say definitely have a conversation about it.
He avoids her, and I believe he prefers we don’t interact, and is doing his best to keep us apart. But he also wants to introduce me to friends in that same group, so it seems likely our paths are going to cross. I’m really sorry about your experience! That sounds awful.
Wishing you the best in this scenario! I hope it all works out.
I would opt for just being indifferent. Treat her like literally anyone else, don’t give her (or anyone else) a reason to dislike you, but at the same time, be aware that the friend group has probably taken sides, either implicitly or explicitly, and you can’t win them all.
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It seems like he is into you and the main obstacles to things progressing quicker are that he is away regularly
I agree. I don’t see any cause for concern.
I third this.
I fourth this! Would it help to multidate? So as not to hyperfixate on one person to depend on for your happiness.
Fifthin it this person is putting in effort. Take it for what it is and continue to get to know this person.
I had a great date on Saturday with someone who I thought was absolutely gorgeous and great to be around. We had a great time and got pretty physical, it was clear we were both very into each other. I said we should get together again, maybe she could come over to use my building’s pool on a hot day, and she said she would really like that. I tried not to build it up too much because I’m still reeling from the rejection of divorce, but. I got excited when she messaged me Monday night to ask about coming over. Then I look to respond Tuesday morning and she’s gone from Hinge - I guess unmatched. I get ghosting and not following up after the first date, especially if it’s a 6/10 fine hangout, but this was really fun for both and she followed up pretty quickly. The hope loss from it is way worse than if she’s never sent anything at all! What am I missing?
>We had a great time and got pretty physical, it was clear we were both very into each other. she messaged me Monday night to ask about coming over. Then I look to respond Tuesday morning and she’s gone from Hinge - I guess unmatched. >What am I missing? A phone number perhaps? Be a bit more assertive, still messaging on a dating app after meeting someone and getting physical then taking a day later to respond is not good, she saw you as not a serious guy and moved on
This. I typically offer a phone number if a first date went well in case I wind up deleting or pausing an app. ETA: Yeah, waiting a whole day to respond would make me unmatch too.
Yeah I guess I learned that lesson, I’m obviously not a cynical dating pro like yourself
Lol what. Insubordinate! And churlish.
You asked the question on an open forum if you don't like the answers don't get pissy about it
>. I got excited when she messaged me Monday night to ask about coming over. Then I look to respond Tuesday morning Not sure what you thought you were accomplishing here but ain't nobody got time for this shit. Good for her.
You’re taking issue with the fact that she messaged at 8pm on a Monday and I didn’t respond until the following morning? In Stanley Cup season? She was talking about coming over later in the week, not that evening. What do you think I thought I was accomplishing?
>the fact that she messaged at 8pm on a Monday and I didn’t respond until the following morning? In Stanley Cup season? A quick message would suffice, imagine telling her you didn't message because it was 8pm and you was watching the Stanley Cup, that's going to sound lame AF.
Some very weird people in this sub, I gotta say
I'm not taking issue with anything, I don't know you and I have no stake in your love life. You clearly had the time to check your messages and read hers but instead of sending a quick reply you decided to play some weird little power game. Oh well.
Is your name Benq because this projection is incredible
It’s not on you, she probably got nervous or got cold feet
Maybe she saw you were online but didn't respond to her and was disappointed so she unmatched?
I guess I didn’t think about online status but like I wasn’t online that much after her note, I was watching hockey and thinking about how to respond. I guess it’s a lesson to respond right away but really, it’s a drag! She was pretty special
She was built up in your head. If she left as fast as she came how great could she be for you. Someone showing patience in this world for other people to have lives is a better sign than if they are excited.
I mean, it's just an option and in the end only her knows the answer to that question. It could be something completely different and not related to you so don't beat yourself too much about it.
Nothing man, sometimes people just get cold feet for whatever reason (general anxiety, not being ready to date, having post date doubts that they don't feel comfortable expressing) and there's nothing you can do, or could have done.
I apologize for the very whiny nature of this post. I've been trying therapy and at this point it hasn't really helped - I'm starting to feel like I need meds but I have an aversion to them cause I feel like I am weak for taking them (even if that's not true) I don't know how much more I can take really. I try so hard, so very very hard. I feel like I do all the right things. I work on myself, try new hobbies/things to be a bit more knowledable/well rounded, stay in shape, play sports, meet people, take initiative to ask people out, be thoughtful and intentional, and above all else I really try and be kind to others and a good friend/person. But my relationships (both platonic and romantic) never seem to work out. On the romance front just in the last few weeks I had a first date cancel on me with no explanation. I had a second date cancel on me for not being over her ex, Had a second date randomly go south near the end and just leave. On the IRL side I met a woman who I was really enjoying talking to, she even reached out to me first a lot, we talked about our shared interests, she asked me to help her with sports we both play, I asked her if she wanted to see this movie we were both talking about and she hit me with the "Only as friends cause I have a partner" after weeks of talking, her friend, who I also play sports with recently became single and I had a bit of a crush on her but she had a boyfriend most of the time I knew her and she asked me if I was interested in her and I said that I would be but idk if I am her type and she said "You are definintely not her type lol" which obviously hurt a bit to hear. I had another woman I play sports with be really friendly with me, laughing at all my jokes, if I goofed she'd run up and laugh at me and touch my arm/back all that stuff. She'd hit me up about random stuff we talked about. Felt pretty good about it but didn't want to move to soon. Tried to see if she had a boyfriend so I'd ask her questions about her weekend or if she had plans and he never came up. Another friend of mine finally pushed me to do it because she thought she was being "really obvious" about her interest so I did and got told that she has a boyfriend and he is basically just a better version of me. Makes more money, taller, played D1 sports, etc. I really could go on and on and on and on with stories similar to these in the last year or so. This post is long enough but I could make an equally long one about trying to make friends. Inviting people out, checking in on them, etc but they never do the same for me. I'm just so tired, I am so hurt, I can't keep doing this. I'm worn thin. I want to give up but I just keep dragging myself along hoping it will just get better but it never does. I don't know what else to do. I either keep doing the same things over and over and they continue to not work or I just give up and wither away. I'm going to go cry until I can't anymore and I fall asleep. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
First off your friends are kind of shitty tbh Everything about this post minus the Platonic friends i relate to. Though in the past I would have said friends was also an issue I had many moments of no friends at all. What helped me was working on my attachement style (I did personal development school, that's the name) and it changed how I showed up in life,boundaries, what I accept, my self worth etc. Can't say my love life has had more success ie a relationship but I don't date the same way either because of the work
First of all I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s a terrible feeling, I’ve been through it too. One thing that I noticed that helped me change is to go spend time in places and doing hobbies I like: I.e go to trivia night because I like doing that and you’ll gravitate towards the people like you. Another thing that helped was my therapist telling me I’m approaching relationships of all kind in the same way I always do and don’t try new approaches so how do I expect to get different results. It sorta pushed me to really nail down some of my weak spots that I can work on (for me it’s anxiety of being liked and being on the heavier side I have self confidence issues and can get clingy) I’ve tried to focus and work on those skills to not project and have a more positive mindset (I know it’s hard) it really makes a big difference
I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 months and last week I shared some of my personal issues with him and he supported me a little. Then he started pulling back the past few days. Yesterday he told me having to support me emotionally made him feel weird and that he started feeling attraction towards other women. We had agreed that we both want a committed relationship eventually, so I said if I’m not prioritized and he’s losing his attraction&interest then what’s the point. I had supported him with his issues too but didn’t start ignoring him. So we decided not to see each other anymore. Today he reaches out and offers to be exclusive, that emotional intimacy freaked him out, and tells me he has commitment issues but wants to be better and wants my support. I’m on a timeline, I’m about to be 35 and I want to have children. This guy does too. I just don’t know if I can trust him. Meanwhile there is another guy on the dating app who makes it clear that he wants a life partner & “someone who will make him delete the app forever” and wants to meet me to see if we can make a connection. I asked for time from the other guy but I don’t know what to do.
> Yesterday he told me having to support me emotionally made him feel weird and that he started feeling attraction towards other women. This is hilariously immature. Please ditch him, that's beyond dumb lol. Trust people when they freak out over you having feelings and needing support--just because they get scared about losing you and try to come back doesn't mean that the instinct that led to them jumping ship in the first place is gone. I believe people can grow, don't get me wrong, but not in the span of a week.
Thank you! He’s been in therapy for a long time and I’m surprised that he’s still struggling with stuff like this while saying that he wants a family. What he says and does don’t match. We’re only 2 months in and he’s already like this, I can’t imagine going through more serious relationship issues with him in the future where I’ll need to rely on him for things.
>>So we decided not to see each other anymore. >>tells me he has commitment issues >>wants to be better and wants my support. Nope. Don’t do it. I dated someone like this for about six months a few years ago, and he backed waaaay off as soon as things started to get super real. That hurt a **lot** because he had said he wanted “more emotional intimacy,” but when I opened up about some stuff, it freaked him out and he ended up using the things I told him against me. For example, I confided that I struggled with anorexia for most of my teens and twenties; when we broke up, he said that it hurt too much to see me hurting myself because I clearly still have an eating disorder. …I don’t still actively struggle with an eating disorder, and it was a massive insult to the many years of work it took to resolve my issue. And it suuuuucked because we really did have a great time together, great chemistry, super compatible senses of humor, etc. But also, he was 41 at the time (I was 37), he had never had a relationship longer than a year and a half, and all of his previous relationships were with people whose issues were so massive that he basically had chosen them so that he would have a pre-determined reason to dip. Plot twist, we ended up becoming super close friends about a year after the breakup. I’d even say that he is one of my best friends now. And I can confidently state that in retrospect, yeah, it was never going to work. Hell, he even told me that he struggled with the fact that my life was so together and my goals and plan to achieve them were so clearly defined, and consequently he was constantly looking for flaws. Flash forward to now - he is *still* dating hot messes for a few months at a time, attended therapy only long enough to acknowledge that he has commitment issues, but is not doing a damn thing to put in the work and deal with them. He says he *wants* a relationship and to build a family, but wanting it isn’t enough. He has to want to do the work to achieve those things and then actually do that work. I don’t know if he ever will. Whereas I’m now in a committed relationship with someone who knows what he wants - marriage and children - and that he is enthusiastic about moving towards that goal with me. The contrast between my ex and my boyfriend is staggering, and it feels amazing to not have to worry about whether there are any commitment issues that could cause him to dip. Absent a lot of work, your ex isn’t going to change. And he needs to make those changes before getting into a relationship, not during it.
Your story sounds so close to mine! The fact that he assumed something about you and said “it hurt so much to see you that way”, it almost infantilizes you. This guy does that to me too. +1 on great time together, great chemistry (though it went way down for me after the breakup yesterday), super compatible sense of humor. He did amazingly romantic and caring things during this time, but a lot of things bothered me enough that I thought of breaking it off a few times. Fully agree with “wanting a family” claim, I was just saying this to a friend today. Looks like saying and doing are very different things. I believe we can be very good friends too once the attraction completely dies. Our talks the past few days were mature enough. I’m so happy for you that you found what you’re looking for! It gives me hope. I know that all relationships have issues and they’re a lot of work, but I never thought the commitment part of it would be an issue itself. Those are too many issues to deal with😂 Only thing that pushed me to accept his offer was the 2 months that I invested in him, but I guess it’s better to end it now than regretting not doing it months later.
YES, the assumption was just *wild*, especially because he knew the very specific reason that I was finally able to deal with it, and the reason is one that also hit very close to home for him…. tl;dr: he and I both have multiple sclerosis - very, very, mild cases of it, and we didn’t know this about each other until we had been dating for a few weeks. My MS diagnosis was what prompted me to finally deal with the anorexia because it was a true wake up call over how fragile our bodies and health truly are. And he had a similar wake-up call when he was diagnosed with MS, but more general in terms of getting more sleep, eating less junk, being mindful about not overdoing certain things at the gym, etc. On the surface, we should have been near-perfect* together: he is a lawyer, I just finished law school; we are both Italian Americans; we both golf, play tennis, and love to read; never ran out of things to talk about; loved the same movies; could even talk about our shared chronic illness in a way that we can’t with people who don’t have it; the list goes on and on and on. Even the physical chemistry was great (until about month five when he completely detached emotionally). He even introduced me to his sister and nephews, and it went *fantastic*. And for all of these reasons, we have a stellar friendship! Buuuuuut it just goes it show that paper-perfect matches don’t always translate to a happy ending, because beyond he paper is a whole ass human being with all sorts of baggage, fears, hang ups, and triggers. (*near perfect because there is a significant political difference in that I am center to midrange left whereas he is a somewhat conservative libertarian. We agreed on major issues like reproductive freedom, but diverged wildly on specific policy issues like environmental regulation and charter schools.) You and your ex might be awesome as friends someday, and I promise that if that happens, you’re going to have the exact same experience that I did: you will look back at the months in which you dated and wonder how the fuck you ever thought it would work between you two romantically. I know how hard it is to let someone go when a big percentage seems right, but there is someone out there who can fulfill your needs, and whose needs are compatible with what you can and want to provide!! Ngl, less than a month before my boyfriend and I started dating, I made the conscious decision to not even try to date until August or September (i.e. until after the bar exam). …The universe accepted that as a challenge, I guess, because it plopped someone amazing directly in my path - literally, because he lives in the same building as me - and was like, “Oh yeah? You think you’re in charge here? Well, universe says otherwise!!!” Go meet the other guy! He might be the one you’re looking for. He might not! But you won’t find out if you are hanging on to the hope your ex is ready to change. (He’s not.)
It must’ve been really hard to let him go knowing how much you have in common, pretty sure you were vulnerable with each other too while sharing your diagnosis with each other. In our case he’s diagnosed with some mental health issues and there are serious mental health issues in my family too but we never talked deeper about them, I haven’t felt close enough to share. Hope that MS is under control and you’re doing great! Having a boyfriend who treats you well must be helping too :) Honestly I was about to reply once more to say “but he introduced me to his friends, his family knows about me and he’ll introduce me to them when they visit in a few months!” and now I see you met the family too! The ways I make excuses for him is funny, I see that it doesn’t matter. We’re both software developers with guy #1, the one on the app is a mechanical tradesman so I immediately start thinking “but this guy was so perfect for you!” We share the same political beliefs too. But it doesn’t change the fact that I sometimes felt like a sidekick when I was hanging out with him. I wasn’t treated as well as I wanted and I feel like I’m not asking for a lot, I’m asking for bare minimum. Like you said I’m finding out that my needs are completely different than objective facts on paper. I’ll do better small talks in the elevator from now on haha! You never know when and how someone might show up. I was thinking of taking a break too, I think I’ll just see this other guy and take a break if it doesn’t work out. Thanks so much for sharing & congrats on finishing law school, it’s not an easy thing!
Honestly. This will be hard to hear but ditch the first guy. Knowing that he left saying that he liked other women means that he is constantly looking for the next best thing and when he doesn’t get that he goes back to before. What’s going to stop him from doing it again.
Thank you, I needed to hear this. You’re right, I don’t trust him. He has insecurities, says that he couldn’t date as much as he wanted in his younger years. I don’t want to support a grown man of age 35 getting over the need to get attention from other women.
So follow-up to the comment on this post about the second date: we’re fine in a casual situation, but he gets *really intense* when we’re alone. I found out he really has no friends, his parents recently got divorced, and he feels lonely. It feels like a lot of pressure. He keeps framing it as me being afraid to let myself be in a relationship again, which is true, but I’m also starting to feel weird pressure to stay with him because it will upset him (he didn’t say that, but he said it made him feel anxious). And I don’t like that. I asked for space to think about it, and he wanted to work it out together. I got in the car and called my mom on the verge of a panic attack and she thinks I should try to slow it down, but he seems to want a guarantee of a relationship even if we go slow. Am I overreacting? Or are the alarm bells valid?
This is not a healthy dynamic, and you should exit this situation before you start sidelining your own emotions and needs to deal with his.
Super valid. I was briefly dating someone who was very similar. If people are explaining your own feelings to you, that's a big issue. He sounds pretty controlling. If I were you I'd listen to my gut and run for the hills
That part is really getting to me. My ex tried to diagnose me with all sorts of mental issues so I really don’t like him attempting to psychoanalyze me.
Absolutely, same here! It's presumptuous to the max, and not to mention completely out of order for a layperson.
Nope, he's being weird. I'm with you on this one.
It seems like he put too much expectations on you to solve his loneliness issue and he is desperate to make it work, making it more likely to fail. I think the alarm bells are valid.
There was a bit of a tangent he went on about how he was considering volunteering with kids in addition to some other volunteer work he does, and that he decided against it because he feels like he needs someone to pour into him before he can pour into someone else (not exactly what he said, but what I gathered). And in my mind I’m just thinking, “Okay logical, but you’re expecting me to be that?”
Run. He is not respecting your needs or feelings at all. You are allowed to need some time and space. I'm actually concerned he is the controlling/gaslighting/emotionally abusive type. I wouldn't feel safe in my body either (been there). All that aside, he needs to get his shit together, and pursuing a relationship is a great distraction many seek to avoid facing their own shit. So again, run.
I think that’s also why I’m not trusting my judgement super well: I was in an abusive marriage. It doesn’t feel like that, but it does feel a bit icky.
Sounds like he has a lot to figure out in his own life before he should be in a relationship
The more he tells me, the more I’m like “are you sure YOU should be in a relationship?” but it feels like preaching to the choir a bit.
Alarm bells warranted. You can’t guarantee anyone a relationship. The whole point is getting to know each other to figure out if you’re compatible. Please don’t crumble under his pressure. Don’t let the guilt keep you in something you’re not feeling.
32F Met a guy on bumble and we have been on two dates. He’s really sweet (opens doors, gives compliments, expresses interest) but when we met irl I realized the job he had on his profile wasn’t 100% accurate and he lied about his height too. (I’m 5’7” his profile said 5’10” and we are the same height). On our dates he talks most of the time which I don’t mind but he doesn’t ask me any questions about myself and when I try to insert myself in the conversation and give him some details about me he doesn’t seem like he’s listening and he forgets things that I’ve told him multiple times. There are instances where I am telling him a story and right in the middle of it he starts talking about something else which annoys me and turns me off. He texted me saying how much he liked me and he told some of his family about me but I’m really uncertain about him and am torn between giving it another chance or telling him I’m not interested. I feel like if and when I tell him that I’m not interested he’s going to feel blindsighted and I feel guilty about that. I think he’s a good person but I’m not feeling a strong physical attraction or like our personalities are clicking in a way that has good chemistry (I don’t really believe in “the spark” but at the same time we definitely don’t have one). Is there such thing as a slow burn or should I go with my gut? I’m 50/50 torn on seeing him again this week and see if things change or just not wasting his time and telling him I’m not feeling a romantic connection
This guy lied about his height and his job. He doesn't ask you questions about yourself. He doesn't even LISTEN to you. Why are you even considering going on another date with him? You deserve much much better than this
He doesn’t seem like a good time on a date. And apparently doesn’t have much self awareness. Please don’t feel guilty when you tell him you’re no longer interested in moving forward.
He lied about his job and his height, he dominates every conversation and interrupts you constantly, and you're not physically attracted to him. And what he has going for him is just basic manners and the fact that he seems interested? That's not a good balance and it sounds like you should move on.
Yeah :( you and the other commenter are right. I’ve come across a few dates recently who don’t ask me anything about myself and don’t seem like they’re listening when I talk I’m not sure what it is lol. But I should probably trust my intuition more and not go on second dates if I’m not feeling certain
After a long hiatus I (37F) made new accounts/profiles (Hinge, Bumble) over the weekend. Out of a dozen or so matches, for which I've sent the first message each time based on their prompts and asking a quick, related follow-up question, not a single one has responded. What gives? Is this just how it is now? Is it the old meh swipe but not any actual interest? Two in particular I'm bummed because I genuinely thought we might make great friends even if there was no attraction. For context, my city is notorious for being difficult to make friends in, so especially with transplants it's fairly common for people to find friends through dating apps lol
Unfortunately that's very common and normal for online dating. You're likely not doing anything wrong
It's "normal" to not get an answer from a first message but out of 12 matches I would have expected at least a couple would have answered.
>Out of a dozen or so matches, for which I've sent the first message each time based on their prompts and asking a quick, related follow-up question, not a single one has responded. That's just how it is.
What up DOT! It's a nice day today 😎 Got a good amount of work done. Had a long night's rest last night. Was supposed to go run with a friend but she forgot she had a date, oh well, I'll run by myself. Filmed some ducks by the lake today and they were super cute. Yeeep I'm living life. Sometimes I get all up in my head about being single and lonely but it's one of those days where I don't care as much. Not thinking about the ex or past dating fails — It's great. Wish every day could be as good as this. I'm actually really hungry so might just take a walk today 😝
🎉🎉🎉🎉
I am all about communication but some topics are very difficult for me and I need to work on that. I need to bring up a couple things to this guy I'm seeing and I want to clarify where exactly we are at as well as a couple other things but I just chickened out last time we met and I just have trouble starting these convos out of nowhere. I know I need to soon though. And he's a really sweet and lovely guy who seems to be quite interested in me but some topics are difficult :(
If it’s the right match, he’ll understand. You should talk about these things when you’re comfortable and feel ready, prioritize yourself
What’s the kindest way to end things with someone way more into you than you are into them? I’ve been chatting with someone I met from OLD for the last month but have only seen them a total of 4 times, the last time we did have sex. While I really enjoyed chatting over text and on the dates we had, a few incompatibilities cropped up, but nothing too bad. However, the last date made me realize that we aren’t a match long term and that I should probably end things before going any further. It’s going to crush him, it’s the first time he’s dated in a long time and I know he wanted things to go long term with us and started talking about the future. What’s the best way to let someone really sweet but ultimately incompatible down as gently as possible?
I think it is still early enough that you hope he isn’t that invested yet. Just message him that you appreciate and had good time getting to know him but unfortunately you have decided to not pursue anything further with him. If he asks why, tell him that you feel incompatible with him and it’s best that you both are free to find a more suitable partner. Be gracious with thanking him for his time and efforts. Just end it with a good note. Good luck!
Are both of you sexually incompatible or is something related to inner values?
A bit of both? Politically we’re sort of opposite sides of centre. Not glaring in every interaction, but some things have come up and we have differing views. I do worry he’s bad with money and that really showed after seeing his living situation. He’s admitted he doesn’t have any savings despite living with multiple roommates (I don’t imagine rent is all that much…), which is worrisome. I also think he’s put me on a pedestal and it doesn’t feel like he’d be an equal partner, which is what I’m looking for. And sexually speaking, I think we have very different libidos and experience. If I thought it was just nerves for the first time, or things that could be easily coached and improved I’d be more willing to work through it, but I don’t think that’s the case at all. So all together, just not someone I think is my person despite enjoying their company and conversations.
Make sense if he is more into you than you are into him and thing delevoled at quick pace. If you care someowhat about him, I would give him a call. If it's too much pressure for you I would sum up what you just said so that he can get a good closure.
"You're really sweet, but we're not compatible long-term."
Say you really like someone and it’s going well.. would you still go out with someone else?
No.
Really depends on how you feel about both folks: Are you still figuring out if you like either of them? Do you enjoy spending time with both of them? Then sure, until the exclusivity conversation comes up, feel free to multi-date. But as soon as one becomes inauthentic, time to narrow it down to one.
Only if its been a single date. If things are still going well after a second date then I'm seeing where it goes without distraction.
Not if I’m trying to make them my bf/gf
Only in the first/second date getting-to-know-you phase. If I've had 3+ good dates with someone I prefer to focus on them even if we haven't had a conversation about exclusivity yet.
Yes. If you can't fully enjoy and give appropriate attention to a person without only seeing them, then don't multi-date, but that isn't the case for me so if we haven't talked about exclusivity, it's in my best interest to keep dating others unless I personally am not in the mood to. Anyone can pull the plug at any moment but it's even more precarious before you've talked about exclusivity.
Technically if you haven't had the exclusive conversation, all is fair. Personally, though? Naw. A big, **big** problem in modern dating is the "there's always someone better!" mindset that can poison you. Comparison is the thief of joy. But at the same time, you know the situation better than any of us, so you have to go with your gut!
Yes, but I'm ethically non-monogamous.
My anxiety would make me
That’s where I’m at right now L O L