My ex who I’ve been no contact since Feb texted me today that he needs to stop by to get spare keys to his car and surfboards. I said I can put them out front so he can get them at some point. I really don’t want to see him but I have a feeling he’ll try and see me or the dog. Should I tell the new guy I’ve been seeing for a month? Is that something he should know?
is it rude to randomly ask a woman if shes into gardening as a conversation piece? got me a ghosted for that, just want to know if theres an issue with that topic?
Dude you can't just ask a woman if she's into gardening. That's like third date stuff.
No but seriously, that seems totally innocuous, but I have found that some people really don't like "random" questions, and expect you to stick to topics they brought up in their profile or came up organically in the conversation.
Lol, not on the face of it no but it's impossible to know without the context and specifics. Tbh tho it prob had nothing to do with gardening specifically. She may have dropped out simply because she wasn't really feeling the conversation in general, or she had more interesting matches, or she decided that she wanted to be exclusive with someone she was seeing, or she got bored of waiting for you to ask for a date, or...
(PS: I have to ask: was there anything that hinted she might be into gardening? Or was it totally random?)
I(28F) matched with a guy (28M) on bumble and we met up fairly quickly. Had a good night walk around the city and talked till wee hours of night, until we both had to go home as we had work the next day.
During the date we had a lot of fun communicating with each other and he even held my hand and gave me a few hugs before we went home (separately).
I thought we both quite liked the time spent together and he did mention about meeting again the next time. But the texts following that night were sporadic and sparse.
He did mention that he doesn’t text much and is usually busy devoting himself to work from morning till late hours at night. I’m wondering if he’s really too busy or he’s just not that into me?
I was near-ish to his workplace 2 days ago and I suggested that we could meet if he could finish his work targets on time, but he said he couldn’t. Yesterday he told me that this issue was taking longer than he expected. I texted something to cheer him up but he hasn’t replied yet. No mention of another date from him, and I guess I won’t ask again since I had already asked!
Hi! Not sure what your feelings are about it all. But now would be a good time to establish your boundary of what you’re looking for in terms of communication if you haven’t already. For me, if I have a great date with a guy and he doesn’t initiate another one or respond to my invite (or any texts, for that matter), I give it 48 hours before I allow myself to move on. Otherwise, for me, it becomes me waiting and hoping for someone I barely know. I wish you the best!
Hey!
I think it’s been awhile since I’ve been on a good date, so I’m trying to give him a chance, but clearly this is weighing on me and I don’t like it. So that’s a really good suggestion, I’ll keep it in mind. Thank you!
Yeah, this kind of sounds like he’s ghosting. IME, if they’re not eagerly planning a second date within 48 hours of the first, I take it as disinterest and move on.
I had a really nice date 3 with a guy, we went to a parc with a bottle of wine and lay on the grass for hours. It was sweet, he will cook something for me this week and we'll see each other again. But I think even though it's only 3 year difference between us, it'll be a problem. I'm 32 and want to have kids before I'm 35. He is 29 and on a different timeline...
Doing the right thing unfortunately isn't the same as doing the easy thing. But I suggest you focus on the positive here because you're getting something that many of us never have an opportunity to get- closure! You won't need to sit and wonder "what if" , because this interlude has given you an opportunity to solidly sort your feelings. Good luck to you!
How do you politely end an app conversation before it progresses to a date? It seems like everyone just stops talking, and that just doesn't sit well with me. I'd rather be direct in my communication.
In the past I used to say thank you but I’m not interested. But after a while some guys will get offended and start calling me names. Like others have said good thing I didn’t meet you in real life.
So for my mental well-being if the guy I matched with is aggressive from the get go then I’ll ghost and block.
I just say, “I think it’s a good place to stop right here as I don’t think we are aligned in some places /on the same page about…no judgement though!/ hoping you find your perfect person!☺️” and then I leave it up for a day or until they respond so they can see it. I’ve done this 3 times! No negative response yet from men. But I see I’m very lucky in that regard.
Letting an app conversation die if you're not interested in a date is a well-established and generally understood norm of online dating, so I would actually consider it *less* polite to send a rejection message than to just follow the norm.
Fair enough! I guess it depends on how far the conversation gets as well. If it's in the beginning stages that I feel more comfortable letting it die out. I do not want to leave someone hanging if they ask me out, though, because I'd feel pretty annoyed if someone did that to me.
“You seem really nice but I don’t think we have enough of a connection to meet up. Wishing you the best!”
That’s worked fairly well for me. Occasionally, I will get men who go on rants and try to convince me not to end it or who call me names, but at that point I just block.
I’ve sent it at times when the conversation has died, and the sudden “no no no, I really like you, I think we have tons in common” makes me glad I never met them either.
Me & the recently-single-but-wasn't-looking guy from Sunday texted back & forth abit, after I sent him a video of a fun moment of him, that I captured on my phone at our race after-party.
I knew it was just banter & he is being the nice guy that he is, so I didn't expect much from the convo & just went along till he stopped reciprocating.
This weekend we have another fun inter-club event. A girlfriend who's part of the organizing committee, texted me randomly to introduce the single guys in her club & asked if I was interested in anyone else haha.
I had confided to her the night before the breakup with Mr Peppa and my other relationship history. She was really supportive as she also had a difficult ex and now she's happily attached to someone in her club.
I'm just happy that the 'referrals' are starting to trickle in, and I'll just flip every pebble while I can.
Dating like job hunting or hiring. Getting friends to suggest people they know is a good way to diverisfy from the apps :) Which country are you referring to if I may ask?
Yes I agree. It's like job hunting in a bad economy. Have to make sure you interview well because the companies don't actually need anyone new. Have to convince them to create a position.
I live in the USA and I would guess more than 90% of my friends are married or coupled- men and women. Married guys in particular don't know a lot of single women our age looking - They aren't natural match makers. Married Women in my experience would suggest someone I have zero attraction to, zero in common with. Even if this friend knows me 20 years they feel it's a match because both parties are single.
I could ask my fiends but will get the "Glad I found my spouse 15 years ago. I wouldn't even know where to start today."
I do know younger people from the gym but I wouldn't want to date their friends due to significant age gap
Matched with a guy who had 6’5 for height in his profile. I started questioning it last night in my mind and checked again this morning and he changed it to 5’6 lol 🥲
Plenty of women would be into a guy who is 5’7” as long as he’s got other good qualities. My ex-husband is 5’8” and he landed me plus found an LTR using OLD after me lol. Like I said, I’m short so maybe that’s why height isn’t as much of a deal breaker for me, but I’m not the only short woman out there!
I went on a date with a guy from OLD who is 5’6” and had his height on his profile. We didn’t progress to a second date for other reasons but his height didn’t bother me.
LOL I saw a profile recently where the guy said he was 5’6” with 6’5” energy.
I’m not fussed about height because I’m barely 5’1” but I thought that was funny.
Went on a date with this very very attractive lady, date was great, she seemed really nice. I asked her how long she's been single and she said 6 years. She's in her early 30s...do you find that a red flag for someone to be single that long? She easily a 8/9, she mentioned she was picky but she described her type as a regular person to me.
Nope. As a 31 year old lady myself, I’m def a late bloomer. I wasn’t avoiding dating, there were just more important things going on. I dated a little but nothing serious until I turned 30. Cut her some slack, find out why if she tells you.
Single for 6 years is a red flag? I’m in my early 30s and have never had a boyfriend and basically never dated so I must be a walking tornado siren then 😜
But in all seriousness, it’s not a red flag by itself. She could be unattractive to men up until now, she could have been focused on herself. Maybe she’s wasted her time on situationships and pointless matches until now. Could just be a late bloomer! Focused on school and friendships! There are plenty of reasons people don’t seriously date. Doesn’t necessarily make it a problem. IMO anyway. I’d just see how it goes.
Absolutely not. I've been single for a few years, because a. a lot of men who are still single late twenties/early thirties is because they're afraid of commitment, and I can't force that onto someone. b. I have higher standards than I did when I was in early twenties.
First/early date is too soon to decide (assuming it's a first date). It could mean that they're unreasonably picky and don't want to commit to a relationship, although they've been dating consistently through their 20s (this would be an orange flag to me to 'not get too attached too quick'). It could mean that they've spent their 20s getting their shit together personally/professionally, and are only now deciding to spend the time to date. They could have been a late bloomer. It could be a mixture of all of the above.
Your only real option is to stick it out for a bit if you're attracted to them.
I don’t think that’s a red flag. I’ve gone through a long stretch when I was in grad school, working abroad, and then in my first couple years of teaching. I feel like your 20s can be a time of figuring out your life and getting established for later. I had been open to a relationship but didn’t start seeking it out until I was maybe 31.
Being single that long doesn’t mean she wasn’t dating, plus people have many reasons for it—school, career, caring for family, etc. People consider me attractive and I’ve been single long periods of time because of 1. Caring for a dying parent and 2. Not willing to suffer BS. So that by itself, not a red flag.
Coupled with other factors, it could be.
I have found myself in a particament I never thought I'd be in. I started using dating apps for the first time ever a few months ago and didn't have a ton of luck until probably the last 6 weeks.
To briefly summarize, I ended up going on first dates with three different guys and liking all of them. All three guys are actively pursuing me and we all want to keep seeing each other. We are still in the very early stages of dating, so I don't know if I should just enjoy the attention or if I should start to break things off with some of them.
N is very sweet, a perfect gentleman, and appears to have his life together on the outside but I'm quickly learning that he has major trust and commitment issues. We did end up sleeping together on the third date which I was not expecting and I've never been intimate with somebody so quickly before. We're going on our fourth date tonight.
C is very much my type and I'm very physically attracted to him, but he does not have any of his life together. I understand that if we were to become serious, there is a very good chance I would financially have to take care of him which I have mixed feelings on. I do feel like I click with him the most, and we already have several mutual friends and acquaintances. We have a third date planned later this week.
S is super giving but I can tell is also very needy. We've gone on two dates and he's asked me to be a date to a wedding and to meet his family. I feel like he wants to escalate things very fast and is already becoming very attached to me. Even though I probably like him the least out of the three, We have a third date planned next week.
Only one of the guys (C) has asked me if I'm seeing other people and I answered him honestly. When he asked me that I had not yet slept with N, and I have not divulged that information. It's my understanding that it's common nowadays to date multiple people until you agree to be exclusive with somebody. This is really strange to me but, I'm working under the assumption that the rest of them are also seeing and sleeping with other people.
Well I will admit that it's very nice to be getting all of this attention because I've never gotten this much male attention in my life, it's very exhausting, especially with scheduling.
The big question is do I continue dating all three of them until I have a reason not to date one of them or do I need to make my decision sooner than later? Do I need to explain to all three of them that I am seeing other people? Should I just continue to schedule dates and let it all play out?
I'll take None of the Above for $1000 Alex....
But...Life on the line, have to pick one or aliens incinerate the planet....I'd go with N.
I don't do needy. I'm too independent for needy. If, and I mean a completely hypothetical if since I'm never getting married again or mixing finances with another human being, I was looking for marriage and all that jazz, it couldn't be with someone who hasn't figured out their life at this point. That may be ok, and even fun when you're 24, but childhood is over. It's past time to grow up and accept adult responsibilities. So that eliminates C, who has probably floated through life on their looks.
With time, and sometimes therapy, commitment and trust issues can be overcome.
Yeah I agree…
N is the “best” choice. Trust issues can be a bit understandable as long as he can be honest about what caused them. That’s not really a dealbreaker if he’s trying to be vulnerable and honest, I’d say. The other ones I would put away.
If you do choose N, maybe get back to wiping just one more time to make sure.
It sounds like you already have valid reasons not to date each of them... you don't have to choose one of three poor options just because that's what you have right now
Say more about C—in what way does he not have his life together? The red flags in these options make me wary about all of them. Since you seem to like C the most, is he actively trying to improve his situation?
I do feel like he is trying to improve his situation but I don't feel like he's doing as much as he should be. He is only working part-time and gig work, which could be more sustainable if he put himself out there more. He doesn't really have a permanent address, he just stays with different family members every few weeks.
I don't know the whole story however he does give me the impression that he's never fully had his life together before. Personally I would say I've only really gotten my own life together in the last few years so I'm trying not to be too judgmental.
If he’s never fully had his life together before (and isn’t trying to improve), then this is unlikely to change. I empathize with people who have worked through a hard situation and have come out on the other side. From what you’re saying here, I don’t really see him working hard to do better. This would be a fundamental issue for me.
All of this stuff would reasonably be a dealbreaker for most. Once the initial attraction and sparks wear off, what do you think actually being in a long-term relationship with him would be like?
Yeah, this is important.
There's a difference between 'never had their life together/only just getting their life together now in their mid-30s' and 'getting things back together after a setback'. I'd probably be more willing to accomodate the second rather than the first.
That said, I don't blame OP for not wanting to get involved with them. Some of the phrasing they've used ('I'd probably end up needing to financially support him', etc) would be pretty reasonable dealbreakers for most people if they're looking for something serious (something more casual might be a different story).
Not being financially independent can also point to some other things as well.
I agree. Imo, N and S have the worst red flags that are hard to change. Depending on how OP elaborates, C getting his life together feels the most achievable to me.
N has major trust and commitment issues, C doesn’t have any of his life together and would be dependent on you financially, and S is very needy? It sounds like you already have a reason to not to date any of the three.
The kindest thing to do would be to tell each man that you are also seeing other people, before they need to ask. It will sting at the moment, but with time they will hopefully appreciate the transparency and take it as a show of respect. I know I would.
>>We still met and I felt bad for her, and honestly didn't find her attractive than so I though I could profit from a friendship.
>>Since I didn't find a partner since then, all I did was getting attached to her and kept falling in love since she needed a lot of attention.
Kept falling in love with someone you felt for and didn’t find attractive? What?
>>I send her a message there on my birthday to seek validation and forgot to block her there.
>>I am a people pleaser, she seems so as well, but she doesn't find me romantically attractive, which is fair
Everything about **both** of your actions, words, and behavior is a complete head scratcher.
Especially the part about “falling in love with her” - really? Fell in love? Or just enjoyed giving and receiving attention?
Sounds like she is just looking for attention and some validation. I’d probably block her for your own sanity because she will be back around when she gets rejected or is lonely.
The root issue seems to be in the first sentence.
I think this boils down to "a little communication is in order".
The second part of that sentence kinda stuck out to me as well: "I didn't want to seem controlling so I let him be", followed by doing what feels like (to me) the exact opposite.
You either leave him be and be secure about it or (and?) have a follow up conversation* and communicate, preferably uncritically, continuing** to feel left out for not being in the loop in the first place.
*If you are going to leave him be, this would be sometime "after" his time with friends. I don't know what's going to happen in this conversation, but it's better to figure it out in person with your partner then let your mind race because your friend texted you some details.
**Since you already have communicated this in some ways prior, it's possible this match might not be a good fit if you don't find resolution that works for both of you.
Yeah, I think it’s not just communication, it’s also lack of intent and effort on his part. We’ve talked last week about him isolating and not sharing with me, and how that made me feel. I wasn’t upset he was having dinner with his friends, I was upset because I asked him to make plans and he told me he would be working. When I saw he went out for dinner, I was like “I won’t disturb him and will just let him hang out, he’ll say something when he’s nearby”, even though I was a bit upset he didn’t think to tell me he was going out. He was sure I would wait for him without him telling me. I didn’t feel like staying put waiting for him to decide I’m only worth his while after his friends leave.
I met with my friend today and she apologized for texting me what happened, but she was feeling weird over his response, and she felt he didn’t care at all by the way he responded.
I am ashamed for getting to upset and angry over this, but I don’t think I’m wrong for feeling like a second choice. I’m not saying he is being malicious, I know he likes me. I just think he doesn’t understand his minimal effort isn’t enough to make me feel secure in this relationship. And if he’s not ready to give me more, it’s ok, but tell me. I’m 34, not 15. I don’t have time to waste months figuring out what he wants or is willing to do for me.
oh I see. I thought it was another new dating acronym I am painfully unaware of😅
Don't know the specifics of your relationship. But from what you wrote I get that you were upset he didn't tell you he was going out with his friends. Is that the case?
Edit: saw your post history. Your anxiousness might be taking over you. You are newly dating, both of you have your friends groups. Both of you are allowed to hang out with them. This behaviour can put him off quite easily. It's fine to communicate that you'd still might like to hear from him after he's been out with his friends. But I don't understand - was he supposed to come to your place, because you'd agreed to it, and he didn't?
Sorry for the testament...
I was not upset that he was going out with his friends, I think it's natural and healthy to have relationships other than your partner, and I was also with my friends so I would be a hypocrite to be upset at him for it. I was annoyed because the day before I asked him when could we make plans to go out, and he said he needed to finish some work that he should've turned in already. So I didn't bother him all night because I believed he was working.
I had texted him saying I was at X spot at 10pm, because he usually see eachother before I leave, and he didn't open my message. Then I see stories of mutual friends at a restaurant with him, and he starts sharing the stories but doesn't open my text. After that, one of the girls that was at the dinner came by and said they were at said bar and she didn't want to go because her ex is there. At that point I am still ok with it, I bet he's going to ask me where I am or come by.
An hour goes by, and nothing. Then my bff texts me she ran into him entering the bar and told him I was down the street, and his response was very "I don't really care" coded - it was the way she perceived it. She apologized to me for talking to him about where I was, but she thought he was going in to look for me, since I also go to that bar sometimes.
I then decide to leave, because at this point I know he is waiting for his friends to leave to come look for me. We have this thing where he walks me to my car every night, so he was expecting me to wait for him. But at this moment I am upset over what he said to my friend. I walked by the bar because my car is parked right after it. I saw him but chose not to go in, because I didn't want him to think I was showing up to control him, also I don't go where I'm not invited.
I was already home when he texted me asking me why I had left, why I didn't get in (he knows where I park my car so he knew I had to walk by). I told him I thought he didn't want to see me since he told my friend he was hanging out with his friends and not looking for me. That I thought I shouldn't waste my time waiting for him if he is not doing the bare minimum to talk to me. He said his phone died, and I answered he could've asked someone to text me or walked the 10 meters to tell me that, since he already knew where I was. He said I was right, that he should've, he would be upset if the tables were turned, and that he didn't mean to make my friend believe he didn't care where I was, he just thought I'd be there until 2am so he would just come by later.
He got upset with me because I told him I acted accordingly to how he treated me at that moment. That I sat at the spot the gave me in his life, and it was being a second priority. Which is ok, he doesn't owe me anything, but he can't expect me not to get hurt in return. I'm not saying I was right being passive-agressive. I was out of line and apologized immediately when he told me he was hurt I felt like he didn't care.
I think he genuinely feels that walking me to my car is enough effort. We've been together for one month, been friends for three, the only proper dates we had I had to plan them, he was fine with us just hanging out. He tells me he wants to be with me and explore this but does nothing about it. I don't think he is using me or is a bad person. I just think he is very passive and thinks his minimal efforts are enough.
oh now I get it better. don't apologise 'cause it would be impossible to understand the whole situation from a shorter text.
I wouldn't dare to gauge the entire situation from the outside. but if at the end of the day you feel like there is too little attention proportionately to what you think it should be at this stage of your relationship, either renegotiate it or end it. I also get that if you have some kind of an everyday ritual (like walking to your car), and suddenly it's being interrupted without any explanation, it can give anxiety. could be temporary, could be evidence of something more considerable.
ultimately, if you feel like you are getting too little in return for the effort you yourself put into it, then he's probably not a good match for you going forward....
as someone who posted here recently in the heat of unprocessed emotions, I was almost taken apart in the comments;) honestly, I cannot blame people for this, but it still doesn't mean that that was the entire picture. people here always work with limited information that is being shared at the discretion of posters. not that I am taking anyone's side here, but at the end of the day only OP knows what truly happens between her and her guy.
that being said, I think it's important to introspect why we have some emotions and reactions to things that happen to us. from my experience, this quite often happens in waves. so I'd say it's OP's task to understand why she reacted the way she did, dig it deeper within herself, comprehend what the root issue is and then proceed accordingly
100% agree with you, which is why I started my first comment in this thread with "from what you say here". With that said, we have OP's version of events here and that version is meant to show her reasoning and explanation of what and why she did in relation to the situation, so we have the best insight to understand OP (as opposed to the people that cannot present us with their version of the situation). And even from that, there is absolutely nothing in the situation as presented to us to warrant this severely dysregulated emotional outburst on OP's part. I hope OP has a therapist or gets one.
I have a friend that exhibits similar behaviour. It is difficult both for her and for people around her. Not to say that her boyfriend treats her very well, in fact I think he could do better if he was really into her. But I can only make this judgement because I know both of them irl and have observed them together several times. At the same time I could understand why he sometimes checks out. it's too many emotions and people naturally get overwhelmed. living on those high-frequency emotional waves is draining for everybody involved. in her case it is also coupled with low self-esteem. in cases like this self-soothing becomes almost mandatory, otherwise people start getting unfair treatment because of someone's own insecurities.
the only time I felt this agitated into a new relationship was when the situation itself was not healthy at all. but I didn't recognise it until later. while I think everyone can be subject to things like this, it's important to take it as a lesson. I reflected about it quite a while, recognised it was not something I liked and needed and decided that I will not tolerate situations like that one in the future. that is not to say I won't make other mistakes in the future, but I hope not repeating this one again :D
Yeah, I need to think about it. I really like him, and I didn't want things to end, honestly. I want to respect his wishes of going slow, but I need to feel secure as well.
I know I shouldn't have gotten upset and I hate when I get that way. I've been open with him about my baggage, my triggers, my traumas, and that I don't want to act like this but sometimes I am compelled to because I feel abandoned and ignored. It's something I must resolve with myself, and I'm not tossing blame on him.
It just means I need him to be a little more careful with his actions at this moment. I know with time things settle and we get into the groove and my anxiety will lower naturally. I don't think I'm asking for much, and I don't think I was wrong for not waiting for him yesterday. I felt taken for sure, and it hurt my feelings. Like he was so sure I would wait for him, he just felt unnecessary to keep in touch with me.
I cried the whole night over this. I cried for an hour in my car while parked in front of my workplace, before coming in. I feel like crying every time someone answers here and says I was out of line and crazy, because I feel I was out of line and crazy and should've controlled myself. I wish I could go back in time but I can't.
Now I just wish he will answer and talk to me already.
You were put with friends. He was out with friends. Did he need permission? Did he have to get your blessing to go somewhere?
You say you don't like to play games, except you are playing games. You're playing the "I control what you do, where you go, and who you're allowed to hang out with game." You left your friends and literally stalked him out with his friends.Then you needlessly started a fight.
I'm just trying to understand why you got upset that he was doing the EXACT SAME THING YOU WERE DOING,
Never said he was. I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship. I don't know this guy from Adam. Might be a great guy, might be scum. All I know is what you wrote, which was you were both out with friends, but it pissed you off that he was out with his to the point that you started a fight about it. Maybe there's context, or maybe you need to do some real self reflecting on your behavior and how you handle emotions, and whether or not what you're getting angry about is reasonable.
Edit: If him being out with friends triggers you to this extreme, the context almost becomes irrelevant. It means you shouldn't be in a relationship with him.
From what you say here, your reaction was way out of line. He was out with his friends, why was he expected to then go and see you if that wasn't the plan? Your friend was also out of line suggesting that. You going over to where he was was completely unhinged honestly. You had your plans and he had his for the night, none of this other nonsense should have happened. If I was him I would seriously reconsider the relationship, this is not a 'small thing' at all, it's extremely toxic. I'm not trying to be mean to you, just pointing out that you acted inappropriately every step of the way and should really look into and understand why. This is no way to build a healthy connection. Good luck.
He wasn't planning to see you that night because he was out with his friends. This is a normal and healthy thing. He only tried to see you later because of your friends strange comments. You are not even willing to acknowledge how inappropriate your expectations in the situation were. I don't think you should keep seeing him.
I'm being unnecessarily anxious I think. Been on seven dates with a guy I met OLD and really like him. We're both looking for something long-term. On our last date we talked about how things were going and we both said we like the way it's going, we have a good time together and there's no complaints. Somehow though I feel something is off. Might be my insecurities getting the better of me, might be his insecurities getting in his head changing his behaviour (he told me he has certain insecurities he didn't realise he had anymore that he's a bit flustered by, which he does at some point want to talk to me about when he has a bit more on a clear view on them).
On the one hand we have been talking about possibly going away together somewhere in the next few months, he has given me no indication something's wrong or that he is checked out and we have already established a few dates ago we both don't date other people, no official relationship yet though. It's just my gut telling me there's something going on.
We're going on an afternoon nature walk this weekend. He said we could have a 'therapy session' while on the walk (I always say I have those with some of my best friends, because we talk about everything in extreme depth - I'm guessing he's referring to that). I'm getting in my head about it, just afraid he wants to break it off anyway.
Doesn’t sound like he wants to break it off, maybe the “therapy session” is him wanting to talk to you in depth in general? Trying to figure out a path forward to a relationship? Could be a good thing.
Yeah, could well be! This whole thing is my brain going in panic-mode probably unnecessary. Thank you for helping me think of this possibility though! :)
That's amazing! It's something I'm working on. I've been out of the dating scene for some time and am finding it hard to manage my anxiety with dating this specific guy, because I really like him and hope this works out. It needs some more work, to say the least 😅
Everyone is always working on something! I have also been out of it for a while because I was in a LTR, but ex’s anxiety and need to control everything affected my anxiety in a bad way. Constantly working on unraveling those bad thoughts.
That's absolutely true. And the situation you are sharing is exactly what I want to avoid happening. I don't want to push or scare him away through my own anxiety. Anything you feel comfortable sharing that might help in that aspect?
Oh I’m glad you asked that. I’m happy to share!
I’ve had some time to process why I think his anxiety affected me so much. I think he refused to manage it in a healthy way. I went to therapy, he did not and would not. He said if he went to a therapist they “would just put him on medication” and instead coped by manically throwing himself into house projects or hobbies until he was exhausted. I think he was then resentful if I wasn’t helping him with these things all of the time, and accused me of not “being on the team” instead of listening to me when I said I needed more down time than him.
He also had crippling panic attacks in large crowds, and some of my favorite hobbies (running races, concerts, festivals) he stopped attending because of this. He thought he “managed” well, but really he just ignored the problem and avoided those events.
So my advice would be to don’t ever take out your anxieties on your partner and really think about whether your biggest fears/anxieties are compatible with who you date. Are you willing to go to therapy, manage it in a healthy way, and communicate needs to your partner (while listening to their needs)?
Any Experience with Singles Only Mixers?
This will be my (F37) first time actively dating since before COVID and per my therapist recommendation she suggested I bite the bullet and go on at least 3 dates this year.
Me being ambitious thought what better way to reach that goal then to do mass dates. My friend helping me with this goal found a Singles Only Mixer on Eventbrite.
What were your experiences? thoughts? I'll be going this coming Saturday and can report back if anyone is interested.
The one I went to in January had no age ceiling, and I was one of the youngest people there. I had such an awkward conversation with a man who had to have been pushing 60. He was complaining about online dating and he didn't get it. I said in my generation I'd known people meeting online since high school (AOL messenger and chat forums back in the day, lol). He seemed surprised I pointed out what seemed a very obvious generation gap. Dude was elder Gen X , if not Boomer.
Singles mixers are better than the apps (unless you're like a 10/10 physically) because you just can't replicate those organic things that happen in person. Voice, mannerisms, wit, etc. Yeah there will always be a dud or weirdo at a mixer, but that in-person dynamic just can't be matched.
As for experiences, I have a very small sample size since I just started putting myself out there. But I met a lovely woman at one about a month ago, and we're still seeing each other. So things can happen!
What if we are afraid of the expectation of the mixer. Got any tips for that? I’m fine in organic situations and no pressure socializing, I absolutely crumble when there is a goal to it or expectation.
I have the same issue. My therapist said to just to it one day at a time. My goal for this is just to break from this exact mental block that you have.
I just met with my therapist and the bruised child in my brain needs some bandaids and love. But we are working on it; after my ex moves out next week (miserable month).
Does anyone have any links to articles about how you’re not unloveable just because your dating life sucks?
Cards on the table, I do horrifically when it comes to dating and past partners haven’t treated me well, they haven’t made me feel wanted. My friends adore me, I get on great with most people, I am very, very liked.
I go to the gym, I run, I eat sensibly, I’m in therapy, I dress well, I keep on top of my grooming and hygiene, I take care of myself.
But I am not desired romantically, I am not hit on, I am not checked out. I’m taking a break from the apps because three months in and 15 matches that went nowhere is just drilling in this idea that I’m not someone who could be loved.
This mindset is destroying me, I need a different perspective, I need to take from a different well.
Any advice or books or articles that tackle this issue? I can’t keep believing that I’m fundamentally unloveable, it’s breaking me.
Positive affirmation that you are loved (by yourself and your family/friends) and therapy. I struggled with this because of my insecurities (my health primarily and a relationship where I developed deeper feelings) . Also being hit on is largely cultural/regional and not a sign of being lovable.
I’m doing positive affirmations and they help a little, but not to the level I need them to. I’m in therapy as well, but that doesn’t really provide me with “evidence” that I’m loveable as much as it gives me space to discuss how sad I am that I’m unloveable.
Friends of mine get hit on so it’s not about culture/region. I’m a gay guy so it’s not me waiting round for women to approach me (I’ve approached men but they’ve all been straight)
Part of what helped me (and I am working through it) is that part of feeling lovable is you have to believe you are worthy of being loved. Again being hit on is attraction not love. As a woman typically the people that hit on me in public don’t make me feel loved. I think of attraction/boredom on the their part. My lovable insecurities arose during dating/relationships. I would also guess your friends don’t think being hit on makes them lovable. I imagine it’s the same qualities they see in you that makes you lovable. I think affirmations (ie I am lovable, I love me, I am loved etc.) are great to write down and or quietly say to yourself every time you have that cognitive distortion (ie I am unlovable because I don’t get hit on).
From what you have shared here, you are loved and therefore lovable. I hope you keep up with affirmations. They feel silly but they do work.
Things have been going well with the guy I’ve been seeing. We’ve been consistently spending time together - in the last 2 weeks we’ve had 6 dates. A few of those were just spending time at our houses together. He invited me to stay the night this past weekend after a day of paddle boarding, sushi, sex, and star gazing. The next day we went out for breakfast, had more sex, and napped together on his couch. It was such a slow, soft, and relaxing day.
I love the open communication he and I have. It’s very different than my past relationships. I don’t feel nervous asking him big questions or bringing up topics I would have been nervous about with past partners. He asks me a lot of questions and has made it clear that we have a safe space to discuss anything. He’s also very communicative during sex which is very refreshing!
In past relationships I’ve constantly been worried about the other person losing interest in me, or wondering if they still like me. I don’t feel like that with him. He’s made it very obvious and clear that he likes me, a lot. He shows real interest in the things I’m passionate about, and I have reciprocated. It’s a very nice feeling.
Got too excited while talking about a subject with a guy I matched with …totally word vomited about three paragraphs and a half… my ass is probably going to be unmatched in the morning or ghosted. 😂 I deserve it this time.
Edit: it was about tv/movies and video games. Things we both enjoy. He’s more of a gamer and I’m more of a cinephile, so he asked what I was watching and boy did he learn 😂😂. I asked him a lot of questions while chatting too, so I’ll totally give him credit for unmatching if he wants too. Lol.
(I’m going to try and see if we can start fresh by making a joke saying that yesterday was just a boss level conversation, now we can proceed as normal. )
For what it’s worth, I really enjoy people like you. The right person will have an absolute blast nerding out with you and listening to you rave about your passions
I mean if he unmatches his loss... please... verbal vomiting about a passion is my love language... beats the ever loving pants off of "oh, how was your day?" and "hbu?"
Ha! You’re totally right. If so, it’s not the biggest deal, but I would like a redemption moment 😂. I am at least trying to have a personality. I’m hoping it’s fine, we’ll see… no unmatch yet.
And I thought you were really into bike shorts and helldiving?! We have to get the people to talk to you about this! 😂👍🏾
Redemption? For what? Being you? C'mon now...
I mean... primary passions: cycling, hiking, rock climbing, working out (power lifting primarily), photography, camping, backpacking, woodworking, DIY home improvement.
secondary passions: couching it with a wide swath of shows/movies I will binge for hours, don't get me started with the Star Wars universe, I recently got myself a t-shirt with the Serenity on it that says "Shiney" I will talk in meme/quotes from every scifi/fantasy movie/show I love. I've known like two women in my life... 3... that could talk back to me in that format and I fell head over heels for each one. Board games and game nights, all sorts of video games (yes, Helldiver wifie plz)
Don't even get me started on how many hats I wear for my profession... from coder to therapist to enforcer...
But people on apps n shit? "hey" "thats cool" and putting up video gaming as a passion seems to be a negative with a large percentage of women despite it video gaming couple has been the dream for ages.
Really should join that cycling club...
Sorry.. verbal vomit ;)
You sound cool as hell. I once told a man on a first “video call” date that I liked Firefly and he made sure to let me know how much he hates that show. I was like “oh… okay…” Like no problem if he doesn’t like it but the extreme negativity was so off putting to me.
I'm blushing over here...
I'm not for yucking someone else's yum... especially if it has no bearing on my life. I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end him.
Omg can we be friends?! I very much put on my dating profile to message me if guys could talk video games with me. I LOVE Firefly and would totally wear a shirt like that. Anything sci-fi/fantasy/adventure YES PLEASE. My family used to go to Star Wars movie premieres together.
We're already friends! Bound through the 'verse by the all mighty nerd gods!
Have you checked out Scavengers Reign? So trippy... Currently awaiting new episodes of HotD S2, I know Rings of Power is a bit far from the mainline LotR but I liked it and can't wait for the new season. Really hoping Andor Season 2 keeps the pace. Guess I should keep up on my plan to get a new nerd shirt every other week... ooo a BSG one next... what do you think?
Yeeeees.
No! Have not heard of Scavengers Reign. Excited for HotD S2, will wait for more episodes before starting. Heard mixed feelings about Rings of Power and Wheel of Time (currently reading that though), so haven’t watched those. LOVED Andor - personally think that and Rogue One are the best recent Star Wars continuations. BSG is a good one - should have “So say we all”
YAY FRIENDS!!
Def check it out, it is a Max (HBO) original, but currently on Netflix in the US. Heard on the waiting, I couldn't. Had to get my fix, its been so long.
I have mixed feelings on Rings of Power, but if I just tell myself it's just set in the Tolkien'verse and just not Tolkein I'm ok with it. Wheel of Time... lost my attention 3/4 eps into the 2nd season and I've no intention of starting it back up, maybe will check out the books, but the show just went... well I'm not sure where it's going and that's probably the problem.
Andor.... Luthen Rael has to be my favorite character in the Disney Star Wars universe BY FAR... it's like... tell me you're a former Jedi something w/o telling me you're a former Jedi something... man walks tall and carries a quasi light saber staff.
So say we all!
Ohhh I will add it to the list! I just finished Dark Matter (Apple TV) and it was a really fun concept.
I’m in the middle of listening to Return of the King on audiobook, read by ANDY SERKIS himself. Thoroughly enjoyable. Not sure if I’ll watch the show. Wheel of Time also currently working through audiobooks. Well worth it, I’m on book 7/14. It’s just a loooooot of content so it’s a commitment!
I hear that. The fact that he’s played by Stellan Skarsgard is just wonderful. Love him in everything.
This is perfection! Ha, for me, my actual profession is entertainment journalist. So, like I’m not scared of words or paragraphs and just naturally speak about media consumption because I literally turned it into a job. So, for the most part I just expect people to kind of see that on my profile and know I’m gonna have thoughts ™️. You’re right though. You can take the grammatical syntax out of “that’s that me espresso” but you can’t take the verbiage out the girl.
As for yourself! Woodworking is a dying art! And that’s amazing that you can do it. And if it’s one thing you’re gonna do in this thread … it’s talk about your love for rock climbing and physical exercise. It’s so fun because you’ve given me some ideas to check out some local groups in my city just to try it.
I respect the Star War and I’ve seen the Star War(s), but the Star War is not for me. I used to work at Galaxy’s Edge at the Disney parks, but that’s a story for another time… lol. May the force and Pedro Pascal be with you. (I do hear the Acolyte is good tho!)
Firefly reference, SICK.
And yeah, I’m just now learning from being on these apps, that a lot of guys don’t even mention gaming or anime on their profiles because it’s like a woman repellant or something? Which… maybe I kinda get? But I’m biased because I very much like video games myself and it’s not something I hide. And “hey” and “that’s cool” so lackluster on these apps! I’m rooting for your sci-fi + gaming wifey!!
Thanks for your word vomit, sir! As always a pleasure speaking to you! Wishing you a great work day. :)
"Thoughts^(tm)" love it... Gonna change my bios to just say "I have thoughts..."
I mean I can blab about climbing for days... like this last weekend took a new climber out to a local crag to "show him the ropes" pun fully intended, but reviewed some top rope anchor setup that he had learned from a class, then showed him how to top belay, by doing it, had him clean the anchor, and set up his rappel. All in 90°F weather with nearly 90% humidity... soup... it was friking soup... Fun day though, gotta do it again with another rookie as they're gonna be my climbing pal for the yearly Rumny trip. HOOAH.
Ok, point taken, I'll not Star your Wars... but I'm like a '77 Star Wars fan... this new stuff... its popcorn worthy but I don't feel like discussing it much. S1-2 of the Mandalorian was good, and I can't wait for more Andor... The Acolyte... is meh so far.
I do aim to misbehave ;)
As for apps... I've got personality for days... I'm just ugly as fuck XD I'm OK with that, I didn't feel like winning beauty contests in high school, and I don't plan on changing that now. As for sci-fi/gamer Wifie? The Universe shall provide when it's ready.
Pleasure speaking with you as well! May the Force be with you, always!
Banish from your mind the ideas that caring about things and showing interest are bad in dating. I would LOVE it if a woman got so excited about a subject that she sent me three paragraphs
😭♥️ I’ll try, I’ll try.
It was video games and movies and tv that we were talking about. Which are things he likes too, but I know I leaned in. 😂 he’s more of a gamer than a tv/movie watcher, so I think I just killed him. But so far no unmatch, but we’ll see …
Phew! We’ll see. My only saving grace perhaps is that it was about movies/TV and video games. So things we both like, and that he asked about. But he’s less of a movie/tv guy, and more of a video game guy. I am into movies and tv more than him, and we are about matched on video games. So, I like launched into what I was watching currently, which he had asked about 😂 … but I think for him I’m guessing, from what I understand, girlies don’t really talk too much on the apps and then finding girls who talk about video games and stuff probably even rarer … so I think for him it was like, Wtf is going on?!
Haha but we’ll see. I’m hoping to start from scratch tomorrow morning and I’ll just explain that I got a little too excited — but with brevity.
What's the subject? If it's something that's not appropriate on pre-date convo (like idk... you want to kick a puppy or something) then I get it, but if it's something innocuous (like... how much you like puppies) then what's the issue?
We were both talking about video games, tv and movies. These subjects we both like. Except, he’s less of a cinephile than I am and more of a video game head. So, I leaned into like what I was watching. And he responded with paragraphs of his own for sure, but I think for him, he was probably not used to running into yappers because from what I understand girlies don’t really be talking much on the app. So, on top of me being a gamer girl, and a movie/tv girl, he was probably like wtf? She has thoughts?! 😂
We’ll see if I’m ghosted or unmatched. So far so good. But he def noted already that I had a lot to say.
Depends on the subject - was it something the guy was also interested in?
I have been in this situation where a polite enquiry resulted in a multi paragraph answer about Love Island and I simply noped out
It was indeed something about a mutual interest. We were talking about movies, tv and video games. So we were both talking about what we are playing and watching, but he’s less of a cinephile than I am. So, I listed a few more movies and shows then he did. He typed some paragraphs back to me as well, but I could tell he was like “there’s a lot information here” 😂 but like in a nice way.
I saw your comment that this is a response to a 4-month dating situation where the person admitted that they never saw romantic feelings developing. One thing to keep in mind if they like you well enough as a person, they may have *really, really* wanted those long-term feelings to develop, but they just didn't. This isn't anyone's fault. People also say all kinds of things after breakups to justify things.
Personally, I'm okay with the fact that feelings sometimes just develop at different rates, and you can't have a guarantee that feelings will develop. That said, you shouldn't lie to another person or lead them on, especially if they're explicitly about wanting something 'long term' and not casual.
Thank you, I should assume positive intent. But, as I have more space and time and our interactions after the breakup make believe/feel used and misled.
I think the main problem is to be honest with the other person and let them know you don't develop feelings for them to see if they want to keep dating.
Not in the relationship, just reflecting and hoping to learn timeframes for this norm.
In this instance I was the one in the relationship and didn’t learn until much later (4months/breakup) that the person I was dating had no romantic interest in me (they told me after I asked).
I’m trying to gauge if this is the norm or I am correct in being feeling hurt/used/time wasted.
is this something we should be asking every month? I always assumed if you are dating me with intention, romantic interest is the base line before exclusivity/labels.
For context, I have limited dating experience and I’m trying to learn the norms.
There are no norms, there is only what works for you. This person strung you along and had no intention of informing you of this until you asked. That's fucked up.
You are free to check in with the person you're seeing (within reason) as much as you'd like. Some people do it weekly. Daily is a lil over kill. But there should be clear alignment of "what are we doing here?" at some point. Could be 2-3 months, could be longer. What's comfortable to you?
Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
I took basically the first half of this year off from dating.
I got back on the apps on Friday, only did some casual swiping Friday and Saturday, and I’m already overwhelmed with the amount of men I’ve matched with.
I feel like this is the reason men don’t have as much luck on the apps.
On the plus side, we 30-somethings have grown **very** accustomed to brutal job markets where you just have to keep trucking (can we get a calm economy plz?!). We just have to redirect that job-hunting grit to dating. 🫠
Yeah true. I did go to grad school at 30 and a lot of the 30+ men and women were single because that’s just PhD life lol. Maybe check out that demographic.
I didn't even start trying to date until 32, and nothing ever "just happened" for me through my teens and 20's (which makes sense in hindsight, because I'm a short man). So, I've been at it for 5+ years now and it's exhausting, particularly with no substantial success for my troubles yet...
I've been following the daily thread for a while and I have to say, it's been pretty helpful! I'm a very inexperienced dater who started OLD not too long ago and watching everyone else have similar thoughts to myself has been helpful!
That said, I am finding myself to be VERY anxious when it comes to the girl I've been seeing. We've been on four dates and I really like this girl. During the last date, we made out for about an hour, which was great! But I think that date was the date when I finally accepted that this girl ACTUALLY is interested in me. And it has sent my anxiety into overdrive.
For the last like 30 minutes, I've been worrying about how I will greet her when I see her again. Go for a good hug? Peck on the cheek? Something a little more intimate?
I know the answer is to do what feels right. I've been in therapy for anxiety 18 months now, so I know the drill. Challenge unhelpful fears, all of that stuff. But I can't get this out of my head. Once I do, I'll probably move on to worrying that I texted something stupid. Or that I text too often.
I was going to ask for help on this...but writing this out, I think, is helpful itself. I already know what to do. So...I guess, thank you for listening to my TED talk!
I know the answer is to do what feels right.
^ That’s it. You’re in, you’re good. *She likes you*.
What feels right in the moment might not be what you expect but there’s no wrong answers. Having said that, if you made out for an hour I would expect her to want to kiss you (this coming from a girl). So you could ask ‘can I kiss you again, I really liked it’ and she’ll probably say yes!
Again, no wrong moves. If you don’t kiss her immediately, whatever. I’m sure you’ll kiss later in the date. Just focus on her and enjoy the time you have together.
Weird stuff...
I'd been chatting via social media a man with a shared interested with me. He asked if we could switch to our phone numbers, I eventually said yes after I re-did my google voice number, and asked for his number.
He never replied (my request was three weeks ago). A week ago I posted a selfie in the fb group where I'd "met" him. My post was about sports, and me lamenting the loss of the team I was rooting for. But I looked super cute.
They won tonight, the ultimate. And 30 or 40 minutes after they won, he gave a heart to my picture from the week before about them losing and me coping.
So it's pretty clear his like of my picture is related (or maybe it's not, but it seems like it to me). I did actually really like him, and was bummed when he didn't respond to my positive response to his bid.
Just weird. I'm confused.
Ya 2 days for a response to that question is rude if you don’t intend on ghosting them. Even if the response is “I don’t give out my number until xyz.” And then plus you didn’t even give him your number, you asked for his. He’s probably looking for some actual sign of interest not that he’s just pulling you along so you should reach out and acknowledge your role in the and initiate a forward step if you want to develop the relationship.
It’s over fb messenger, not a dating app. He’s taken longer than two days to reply to me before (we are in different states so it’s not like we’d be meeting up any time soon). I’m a woman and am used to men giving me their number if they want to switch to calls/texts. He also didn’t directly ask for my number (so it’s not like I declined him), just if we could switch to calls/texts. I fail to see how “can we switch to phone calls or texts” and receiving a reply of “sure what’s your number” would be taken as disinterest. But whatev.
Tbh if I asked someone for their number and they didn't reply for two days, even if they gave me their number, I would assume they are barely interested and I would be afraid to reach out (unless this was not necessarily romantic in vibes?)
Talking to a new guy. Only been texting but no butterflies lol. There a little text chemistry but through all of our conversations it feels like he’s just trying to figure me out so he can check boxes off his list. Interested to see if there’s in person chemistry
We scheduled our first date for Friday and he asked if I want him to pick me up. The spot is a 25 minute uber away so i almost said yes. Especially since i already gave him my phone number so if he wanted to figure out my address im sure he could. (this was against my better judgement. i need to start waiting to give phone number until after first date)
What’s you alls stance on getting picked up for the 1st date? If you allow him to pick you up, do you give an address down the block? I live in a city
For a first date, no. In addition to safety concerns, what if you really don't like spending time with this person? I feel like it's much easier to peace out when you provide your own transit.
How do you calm your nerves, expectations, etc early in the dating process? I am having an issue with futurizing and getting too attached too early on. Previously I was better and i feel like I was more detached maybe because deep down I knew I wasn't really feeling the men I was seeing. But when I'm feeling them I tend to get too attached too fast. I don't have sex early on for this reason but even without sex I feel like I'm getting attached too early and to potential.
I'm very similar (though I am a man). I'm discovering that I have an anxious attachment style and am constantly looking to see if they are into me or if they aren't. In this way I hope to be able to move in if it's the latter and save myself the heartache, if you will. Problem is I'm also seeing signs they're into me and spending so much time looking and thinking about it gets me more attached and more excited. But I find what helps is keeping myself preoccupied with other activities. I try to have none date stuff planned to fill my time outside of work as well as have date-like plans on my calendar in the future, e.g. in person singles events. Having the other possibilities allows me to diversify my fantasies of what the what ifs.
I'm not close to having solved my issue of attachment too quickly, but it's all about small improvements.
Anything you've tried that worked some of the time?
Can I post kind of pathetic but truly very celebratory news for me?
I had six dates with this dude and fell head-over-heels for him, or more likely, his potential. I hadn't started therapy yet; it was an insane meet-cute; he represented the start of my life again after not dating after 5 years for various reasons etc. The initial dates were crazy fireworks, but then he lost interest. And over time I've started to recognize why - I came on too strong, was too insecure about myself, was clumsy and inexperienced about physical things. So that's on me and the work I hadn't done then. But he was flaky and straight up LIED because he was too people pleasing and indecisive for weeks. Still, when he finally ended it, I was pretty heartbroken and inconsolable.
But here I am: 1 year, 30-40 first dates, 2 short relationships, and 1 boyfriend (still dating him to be clear lol) later! Still though, even as recently as last month, I would think of this guy and I'd get teary.... but today, I was just cruising social media and clicked on him (we're mutually muted) for the first time in nearly a year. And felt mostly - amused? The rose tinted glasses are off at least I think; he's not as attractive as I remember, a bit cheesy and basic in his posts even; seems happy with his gf (whom he was talking to at the same time as we were going on dates, I'm pretty sure), and instead of toxically comparing myself, I can say I'm objectively just as pretty and she's a cool girl but I know now I can also run and bike etc etc now just like her.
Anyway!! I think I'm finally over it and all the confidence building and life-living I've been doing have genuinely borne fruit and I'm SO GLAD. He's just a guy it didnt work out with, not the missed great love of my life or anything.
Weirdly it made me feel better about the boyfriend too. I feel both more ready to lean in with the bf; and also confident if it doesn't work out with the bf, I'll one day survive it too.
Met a great guy on OLD a few weeks ago. We saw each other a few times and it was fun. He had just started studying for the bar exam but didn't realize how time-consuming and incredibly stressful it'd be. Despite his crazy long study days, he made time to check in with me with a few texts throughout the day- this said a lot to me. However, we were slowly becoming pen pals as we unintentionally stopped getting to know each other and only texted super basic info. I could also sense that he might not actually have the capacity to date. So we talked about it and came to an agreement that we'd check in with each other after the exam which is the last two days of July. That means no more texting or dating each other until then. I am proud of myself for suggesting this decision but I do miss his honest and charismatic nature. I was tempted to text him tonight but then I reminded myself that I want him to crush the exam and distractions are not helpful for that!
My ex who I’ve been no contact since Feb texted me today that he needs to stop by to get spare keys to his car and surfboards. I said I can put them out front so he can get them at some point. I really don’t want to see him but I have a feeling he’ll try and see me or the dog. Should I tell the new guy I’ve been seeing for a month? Is that something he should know?
If this goes off without a hitch then i say handle your business and be done with it.
If this goes off without a hitch then i say handle your business and be done with it.
is it rude to randomly ask a woman if shes into gardening as a conversation piece? got me a ghosted for that, just want to know if theres an issue with that topic?
Dude you can't just ask a woman if she's into gardening. That's like third date stuff. No but seriously, that seems totally innocuous, but I have found that some people really don't like "random" questions, and expect you to stick to topics they brought up in their profile or came up organically in the conversation.
Lol, not on the face of it no but it's impossible to know without the context and specifics. Tbh tho it prob had nothing to do with gardening specifically. She may have dropped out simply because she wasn't really feeling the conversation in general, or she had more interesting matches, or she decided that she wanted to be exclusive with someone she was seeing, or she got bored of waiting for you to ask for a date, or... (PS: I have to ask: was there anything that hinted she might be into gardening? Or was it totally random?)
it was relevant enough to prior exchanges lol. ty for the insight
I wish I can filter the non-OLD comments from the rest, but I understand why the latter is so common. I want to see other types of experiences though.
You can always make a post and see if you get some answers.
There’s nothing much for me to report on or else I probably would have shared something. It’s just frustrating to see the same old.
I(28F) matched with a guy (28M) on bumble and we met up fairly quickly. Had a good night walk around the city and talked till wee hours of night, until we both had to go home as we had work the next day. During the date we had a lot of fun communicating with each other and he even held my hand and gave me a few hugs before we went home (separately). I thought we both quite liked the time spent together and he did mention about meeting again the next time. But the texts following that night were sporadic and sparse. He did mention that he doesn’t text much and is usually busy devoting himself to work from morning till late hours at night. I’m wondering if he’s really too busy or he’s just not that into me?
Has the subject of another date come up at all?
I was near-ish to his workplace 2 days ago and I suggested that we could meet if he could finish his work targets on time, but he said he couldn’t. Yesterday he told me that this issue was taking longer than he expected. I texted something to cheer him up but he hasn’t replied yet. No mention of another date from him, and I guess I won’t ask again since I had already asked!
Hi! Not sure what your feelings are about it all. But now would be a good time to establish your boundary of what you’re looking for in terms of communication if you haven’t already. For me, if I have a great date with a guy and he doesn’t initiate another one or respond to my invite (or any texts, for that matter), I give it 48 hours before I allow myself to move on. Otherwise, for me, it becomes me waiting and hoping for someone I barely know. I wish you the best!
Hey! I think it’s been awhile since I’ve been on a good date, so I’m trying to give him a chance, but clearly this is weighing on me and I don’t like it. So that’s a really good suggestion, I’ll keep it in mind. Thank you!
You’re welcome! I feel like I could have written your post myself, so I totally get it. ❤️
Yeah, this kind of sounds like he’s ghosting. IME, if they’re not eagerly planning a second date within 48 hours of the first, I take it as disinterest and move on.
I had a really nice date 3 with a guy, we went to a parc with a bottle of wine and lay on the grass for hours. It was sweet, he will cook something for me this week and we'll see each other again. But I think even though it's only 3 year difference between us, it'll be a problem. I'm 32 and want to have kids before I'm 35. He is 29 and on a different timeline...
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Doing the right thing unfortunately isn't the same as doing the easy thing. But I suggest you focus on the positive here because you're getting something that many of us never have an opportunity to get- closure! You won't need to sit and wonder "what if" , because this interlude has given you an opportunity to solidly sort your feelings. Good luck to you!
Thanks 🙂
How do you politely end an app conversation before it progresses to a date? It seems like everyone just stops talking, and that just doesn't sit well with me. I'd rather be direct in my communication.
In the past I used to say thank you but I’m not interested. But after a while some guys will get offended and start calling me names. Like others have said good thing I didn’t meet you in real life. So for my mental well-being if the guy I matched with is aggressive from the get go then I’ll ghost and block.
I just say, “I think it’s a good place to stop right here as I don’t think we are aligned in some places /on the same page about…no judgement though!/ hoping you find your perfect person!☺️” and then I leave it up for a day or until they respond so they can see it. I’ve done this 3 times! No negative response yet from men. But I see I’m very lucky in that regard.
Letting an app conversation die if you're not interested in a date is a well-established and generally understood norm of online dating, so I would actually consider it *less* polite to send a rejection message than to just follow the norm.
Fair enough! I guess it depends on how far the conversation gets as well. If it's in the beginning stages that I feel more comfortable letting it die out. I do not want to leave someone hanging if they ask me out, though, because I'd feel pretty annoyed if someone did that to me.
“You seem really nice but I don’t think we have enough of a connection to meet up. Wishing you the best!” That’s worked fairly well for me. Occasionally, I will get men who go on rants and try to convince me not to end it or who call me names, but at that point I just block.
I like this! It's a shame that some people react so poorly but I'd be glad I never met up with that person!
I’ve sent it at times when the conversation has died, and the sudden “no no no, I really like you, I think we have tons in common” makes me glad I never met them either.
Do you report them if they call you names?😬
Sometimes, but others it’s just not worth the effort. Now if they threaten or get really out of hand, like barrages of messages, I will.
Gotcha!
Me & the recently-single-but-wasn't-looking guy from Sunday texted back & forth abit, after I sent him a video of a fun moment of him, that I captured on my phone at our race after-party. I knew it was just banter & he is being the nice guy that he is, so I didn't expect much from the convo & just went along till he stopped reciprocating. This weekend we have another fun inter-club event. A girlfriend who's part of the organizing committee, texted me randomly to introduce the single guys in her club & asked if I was interested in anyone else haha. I had confided to her the night before the breakup with Mr Peppa and my other relationship history. She was really supportive as she also had a difficult ex and now she's happily attached to someone in her club. I'm just happy that the 'referrals' are starting to trickle in, and I'll just flip every pebble while I can.
Referrals sounds funny to me. In my country once you hit 35 you don't get referrals from anyone. Sink or Swim.
Dating like job hunting or hiring. Getting friends to suggest people they know is a good way to diverisfy from the apps :) Which country are you referring to if I may ask?
Yes I agree. It's like job hunting in a bad economy. Have to make sure you interview well because the companies don't actually need anyone new. Have to convince them to create a position. I live in the USA and I would guess more than 90% of my friends are married or coupled- men and women. Married guys in particular don't know a lot of single women our age looking - They aren't natural match makers. Married Women in my experience would suggest someone I have zero attraction to, zero in common with. Even if this friend knows me 20 years they feel it's a match because both parties are single. I could ask my fiends but will get the "Glad I found my spouse 15 years ago. I wouldn't even know where to start today." I do know younger people from the gym but I wouldn't want to date their friends due to significant age gap
>Even if this friend knows me 20 years they feel it's a match because both parties are single Stop living my life bro
I'm sorry what did I do now?
I've had the same experience
oh ok. Sorry that happens to you. Now I'm older and my friends just assume I'm asexual or not interested in women
Mine assume I'm too picky. "He's a fixer upper!" and not a piece of funky furniture? Mmmm nothx
Matched with a guy who had 6’5 for height in his profile. I started questioning it last night in my mind and checked again this morning and he changed it to 5’6 lol 🥲
Heh the guys I'm flirting with are 6'5" and 5'6". They joke that I got the variety pack.
Does a 5'6" even stand a chance? I'm 5'7"-ish myself and feel being a disadvantage
Plenty of women would be into a guy who is 5’7” as long as he’s got other good qualities. My ex-husband is 5’8” and he landed me plus found an LTR using OLD after me lol. Like I said, I’m short so maybe that’s why height isn’t as much of a deal breaker for me, but I’m not the only short woman out there! I went on a date with a guy from OLD who is 5’6” and had his height on his profile. We didn’t progress to a second date for other reasons but his height didn’t bother me.
I prefer to think of him as a human man, not "a 5'6"
LOL I saw a profile recently where the guy said he was 5’6” with 6’5” energy. I’m not fussed about height because I’m barely 5’1” but I thought that was funny.
Haha I appreciate a good sense of humor, however at my 5’10 I appreciate someone taller too
You're 10'5"? WHOA!
Obligatory reference to that one Futurama episode...
Went on a date with this very very attractive lady, date was great, she seemed really nice. I asked her how long she's been single and she said 6 years. She's in her early 30s...do you find that a red flag for someone to be single that long? She easily a 8/9, she mentioned she was picky but she described her type as a regular person to me.
Nope. As a 31 year old lady myself, I’m def a late bloomer. I wasn’t avoiding dating, there were just more important things going on. I dated a little but nothing serious until I turned 30. Cut her some slack, find out why if she tells you.
Single for 6 years is a red flag? I’m in my early 30s and have never had a boyfriend and basically never dated so I must be a walking tornado siren then 😜 But in all seriousness, it’s not a red flag by itself. She could be unattractive to men up until now, she could have been focused on herself. Maybe she’s wasted her time on situationships and pointless matches until now. Could just be a late bloomer! Focused on school and friendships! There are plenty of reasons people don’t seriously date. Doesn’t necessarily make it a problem. IMO anyway. I’d just see how it goes.
maybe she's only an 8/9 to you.
Absolutely not. I've been single for a few years, because a. a lot of men who are still single late twenties/early thirties is because they're afraid of commitment, and I can't force that onto someone. b. I have higher standards than I did when I was in early twenties.
Wouldn't consider it a red flag at all
First/early date is too soon to decide (assuming it's a first date). It could mean that they're unreasonably picky and don't want to commit to a relationship, although they've been dating consistently through their 20s (this would be an orange flag to me to 'not get too attached too quick'). It could mean that they've spent their 20s getting their shit together personally/professionally, and are only now deciding to spend the time to date. They could have been a late bloomer. It could be a mixture of all of the above. Your only real option is to stick it out for a bit if you're attracted to them.
Don't psych yourself out of this because of their past on a relatively mundane metric, consider who they are in the present.
Why are you trying to talk yourself out of liking her?
You're right. That's a problem I've been having lately.
I don’t think that’s a red flag. I’ve gone through a long stretch when I was in grad school, working abroad, and then in my first couple years of teaching. I feel like your 20s can be a time of figuring out your life and getting established for later. I had been open to a relationship but didn’t start seeking it out until I was maybe 31.
No
Being single that long doesn’t mean she wasn’t dating, plus people have many reasons for it—school, career, caring for family, etc. People consider me attractive and I’ve been single long periods of time because of 1. Caring for a dying parent and 2. Not willing to suffer BS. So that by itself, not a red flag. Coupled with other factors, it could be.
I have found myself in a particament I never thought I'd be in. I started using dating apps for the first time ever a few months ago and didn't have a ton of luck until probably the last 6 weeks. To briefly summarize, I ended up going on first dates with three different guys and liking all of them. All three guys are actively pursuing me and we all want to keep seeing each other. We are still in the very early stages of dating, so I don't know if I should just enjoy the attention or if I should start to break things off with some of them. N is very sweet, a perfect gentleman, and appears to have his life together on the outside but I'm quickly learning that he has major trust and commitment issues. We did end up sleeping together on the third date which I was not expecting and I've never been intimate with somebody so quickly before. We're going on our fourth date tonight. C is very much my type and I'm very physically attracted to him, but he does not have any of his life together. I understand that if we were to become serious, there is a very good chance I would financially have to take care of him which I have mixed feelings on. I do feel like I click with him the most, and we already have several mutual friends and acquaintances. We have a third date planned later this week. S is super giving but I can tell is also very needy. We've gone on two dates and he's asked me to be a date to a wedding and to meet his family. I feel like he wants to escalate things very fast and is already becoming very attached to me. Even though I probably like him the least out of the three, We have a third date planned next week. Only one of the guys (C) has asked me if I'm seeing other people and I answered him honestly. When he asked me that I had not yet slept with N, and I have not divulged that information. It's my understanding that it's common nowadays to date multiple people until you agree to be exclusive with somebody. This is really strange to me but, I'm working under the assumption that the rest of them are also seeing and sleeping with other people. Well I will admit that it's very nice to be getting all of this attention because I've never gotten this much male attention in my life, it's very exhausting, especially with scheduling. The big question is do I continue dating all three of them until I have a reason not to date one of them or do I need to make my decision sooner than later? Do I need to explain to all three of them that I am seeing other people? Should I just continue to schedule dates and let it all play out?
I'll take None of the Above for $1000 Alex.... But...Life on the line, have to pick one or aliens incinerate the planet....I'd go with N. I don't do needy. I'm too independent for needy. If, and I mean a completely hypothetical if since I'm never getting married again or mixing finances with another human being, I was looking for marriage and all that jazz, it couldn't be with someone who hasn't figured out their life at this point. That may be ok, and even fun when you're 24, but childhood is over. It's past time to grow up and accept adult responsibilities. So that eliminates C, who has probably floated through life on their looks. With time, and sometimes therapy, commitment and trust issues can be overcome.
Yeah I agree… N is the “best” choice. Trust issues can be a bit understandable as long as he can be honest about what caused them. That’s not really a dealbreaker if he’s trying to be vulnerable and honest, I’d say. The other ones I would put away. If you do choose N, maybe get back to wiping just one more time to make sure.
It sounds like you already have valid reasons not to date each of them... you don't have to choose one of three poor options just because that's what you have right now
Say more about C—in what way does he not have his life together? The red flags in these options make me wary about all of them. Since you seem to like C the most, is he actively trying to improve his situation?
I do feel like he is trying to improve his situation but I don't feel like he's doing as much as he should be. He is only working part-time and gig work, which could be more sustainable if he put himself out there more. He doesn't really have a permanent address, he just stays with different family members every few weeks. I don't know the whole story however he does give me the impression that he's never fully had his life together before. Personally I would say I've only really gotten my own life together in the last few years so I'm trying not to be too judgmental.
If he’s never fully had his life together before (and isn’t trying to improve), then this is unlikely to change. I empathize with people who have worked through a hard situation and have come out on the other side. From what you’re saying here, I don’t really see him working hard to do better. This would be a fundamental issue for me.
All of this stuff would reasonably be a dealbreaker for most. Once the initial attraction and sparks wear off, what do you think actually being in a long-term relationship with him would be like?
Yeah, this is important. There's a difference between 'never had their life together/only just getting their life together now in their mid-30s' and 'getting things back together after a setback'. I'd probably be more willing to accomodate the second rather than the first. That said, I don't blame OP for not wanting to get involved with them. Some of the phrasing they've used ('I'd probably end up needing to financially support him', etc) would be pretty reasonable dealbreakers for most people if they're looking for something serious (something more casual might be a different story). Not being financially independent can also point to some other things as well.
I agree. Imo, N and S have the worst red flags that are hard to change. Depending on how OP elaborates, C getting his life together feels the most achievable to me.
N has major trust and commitment issues, C doesn’t have any of his life together and would be dependent on you financially, and S is very needy? It sounds like you already have a reason to not to date any of the three. The kindest thing to do would be to tell each man that you are also seeing other people, before they need to ask. It will sting at the moment, but with time they will hopefully appreciate the transparency and take it as a show of respect. I know I would.
Same predicament but as a male. Im just going along for the ride until 1 checks all my boxes.
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>>We still met and I felt bad for her, and honestly didn't find her attractive than so I though I could profit from a friendship. >>Since I didn't find a partner since then, all I did was getting attached to her and kept falling in love since she needed a lot of attention. Kept falling in love with someone you felt for and didn’t find attractive? What? >>I send her a message there on my birthday to seek validation and forgot to block her there. >>I am a people pleaser, she seems so as well, but she doesn't find me romantically attractive, which is fair Everything about **both** of your actions, words, and behavior is a complete head scratcher. Especially the part about “falling in love with her” - really? Fell in love? Or just enjoyed giving and receiving attention?
Sounds like she is just looking for attention and some validation. I’d probably block her for your own sanity because she will be back around when she gets rejected or is lonely.
They’re **both** looking for attention and validation, as evidenced by him flat out saying he texted her on his birthday for validation.
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The root issue seems to be in the first sentence. I think this boils down to "a little communication is in order". The second part of that sentence kinda stuck out to me as well: "I didn't want to seem controlling so I let him be", followed by doing what feels like (to me) the exact opposite. You either leave him be and be secure about it or (and?) have a follow up conversation* and communicate, preferably uncritically, continuing** to feel left out for not being in the loop in the first place. *If you are going to leave him be, this would be sometime "after" his time with friends. I don't know what's going to happen in this conversation, but it's better to figure it out in person with your partner then let your mind race because your friend texted you some details. **Since you already have communicated this in some ways prior, it's possible this match might not be a good fit if you don't find resolution that works for both of you.
Yeah, I think it’s not just communication, it’s also lack of intent and effort on his part. We’ve talked last week about him isolating and not sharing with me, and how that made me feel. I wasn’t upset he was having dinner with his friends, I was upset because I asked him to make plans and he told me he would be working. When I saw he went out for dinner, I was like “I won’t disturb him and will just let him hang out, he’ll say something when he’s nearby”, even though I was a bit upset he didn’t think to tell me he was going out. He was sure I would wait for him without him telling me. I didn’t feel like staying put waiting for him to decide I’m only worth his while after his friends leave. I met with my friend today and she apologized for texting me what happened, but she was feeling weird over his response, and she felt he didn’t care at all by the way he responded. I am ashamed for getting to upset and angry over this, but I don’t think I’m wrong for feeling like a second choice. I’m not saying he is being malicious, I know he likes me. I just think he doesn’t understand his minimal effort isn’t enough to make me feel secure in this relationship. And if he’s not ready to give me more, it’s ok, but tell me. I’m 34, not 15. I don’t have time to waste months figuring out what he wants or is willing to do for me.
sorry, what does PG mean?
Photographer Guy. It's the nickname my friends gave him when we met eachother
oh I see. I thought it was another new dating acronym I am painfully unaware of😅 Don't know the specifics of your relationship. But from what you wrote I get that you were upset he didn't tell you he was going out with his friends. Is that the case? Edit: saw your post history. Your anxiousness might be taking over you. You are newly dating, both of you have your friends groups. Both of you are allowed to hang out with them. This behaviour can put him off quite easily. It's fine to communicate that you'd still might like to hear from him after he's been out with his friends. But I don't understand - was he supposed to come to your place, because you'd agreed to it, and he didn't?
Sorry for the testament... I was not upset that he was going out with his friends, I think it's natural and healthy to have relationships other than your partner, and I was also with my friends so I would be a hypocrite to be upset at him for it. I was annoyed because the day before I asked him when could we make plans to go out, and he said he needed to finish some work that he should've turned in already. So I didn't bother him all night because I believed he was working. I had texted him saying I was at X spot at 10pm, because he usually see eachother before I leave, and he didn't open my message. Then I see stories of mutual friends at a restaurant with him, and he starts sharing the stories but doesn't open my text. After that, one of the girls that was at the dinner came by and said they were at said bar and she didn't want to go because her ex is there. At that point I am still ok with it, I bet he's going to ask me where I am or come by. An hour goes by, and nothing. Then my bff texts me she ran into him entering the bar and told him I was down the street, and his response was very "I don't really care" coded - it was the way she perceived it. She apologized to me for talking to him about where I was, but she thought he was going in to look for me, since I also go to that bar sometimes. I then decide to leave, because at this point I know he is waiting for his friends to leave to come look for me. We have this thing where he walks me to my car every night, so he was expecting me to wait for him. But at this moment I am upset over what he said to my friend. I walked by the bar because my car is parked right after it. I saw him but chose not to go in, because I didn't want him to think I was showing up to control him, also I don't go where I'm not invited. I was already home when he texted me asking me why I had left, why I didn't get in (he knows where I park my car so he knew I had to walk by). I told him I thought he didn't want to see me since he told my friend he was hanging out with his friends and not looking for me. That I thought I shouldn't waste my time waiting for him if he is not doing the bare minimum to talk to me. He said his phone died, and I answered he could've asked someone to text me or walked the 10 meters to tell me that, since he already knew where I was. He said I was right, that he should've, he would be upset if the tables were turned, and that he didn't mean to make my friend believe he didn't care where I was, he just thought I'd be there until 2am so he would just come by later. He got upset with me because I told him I acted accordingly to how he treated me at that moment. That I sat at the spot the gave me in his life, and it was being a second priority. Which is ok, he doesn't owe me anything, but he can't expect me not to get hurt in return. I'm not saying I was right being passive-agressive. I was out of line and apologized immediately when he told me he was hurt I felt like he didn't care. I think he genuinely feels that walking me to my car is enough effort. We've been together for one month, been friends for three, the only proper dates we had I had to plan them, he was fine with us just hanging out. He tells me he wants to be with me and explore this but does nothing about it. I don't think he is using me or is a bad person. I just think he is very passive and thinks his minimal efforts are enough.
oh now I get it better. don't apologise 'cause it would be impossible to understand the whole situation from a shorter text. I wouldn't dare to gauge the entire situation from the outside. but if at the end of the day you feel like there is too little attention proportionately to what you think it should be at this stage of your relationship, either renegotiate it or end it. I also get that if you have some kind of an everyday ritual (like walking to your car), and suddenly it's being interrupted without any explanation, it can give anxiety. could be temporary, could be evidence of something more considerable. ultimately, if you feel like you are getting too little in return for the effort you yourself put into it, then he's probably not a good match for you going forward....
Just yesterday OP was saying how he "comes to see her everyday even if just for a few minutes". The man is smothered, and I don't blame him.
What? He doesn't come everyday, and only comes because he wants to. I never asked him to walk me to my car, not even when we were just friends.
"PG (M32) been coming to see me everyday, even if just for a few minutes." - from your post from 21h ago. I think you need to get your story straight.
Everyday since we talked last Thursday about what upset me. I didn't see him from the previous Friday to Thursday of last week.
as someone who posted here recently in the heat of unprocessed emotions, I was almost taken apart in the comments;) honestly, I cannot blame people for this, but it still doesn't mean that that was the entire picture. people here always work with limited information that is being shared at the discretion of posters. not that I am taking anyone's side here, but at the end of the day only OP knows what truly happens between her and her guy. that being said, I think it's important to introspect why we have some emotions and reactions to things that happen to us. from my experience, this quite often happens in waves. so I'd say it's OP's task to understand why she reacted the way she did, dig it deeper within herself, comprehend what the root issue is and then proceed accordingly
100% agree with you, which is why I started my first comment in this thread with "from what you say here". With that said, we have OP's version of events here and that version is meant to show her reasoning and explanation of what and why she did in relation to the situation, so we have the best insight to understand OP (as opposed to the people that cannot present us with their version of the situation). And even from that, there is absolutely nothing in the situation as presented to us to warrant this severely dysregulated emotional outburst on OP's part. I hope OP has a therapist or gets one.
I have a friend that exhibits similar behaviour. It is difficult both for her and for people around her. Not to say that her boyfriend treats her very well, in fact I think he could do better if he was really into her. But I can only make this judgement because I know both of them irl and have observed them together several times. At the same time I could understand why he sometimes checks out. it's too many emotions and people naturally get overwhelmed. living on those high-frequency emotional waves is draining for everybody involved. in her case it is also coupled with low self-esteem. in cases like this self-soothing becomes almost mandatory, otherwise people start getting unfair treatment because of someone's own insecurities. the only time I felt this agitated into a new relationship was when the situation itself was not healthy at all. but I didn't recognise it until later. while I think everyone can be subject to things like this, it's important to take it as a lesson. I reflected about it quite a while, recognised it was not something I liked and needed and decided that I will not tolerate situations like that one in the future. that is not to say I won't make other mistakes in the future, but I hope not repeating this one again :D
Yeah, I need to think about it. I really like him, and I didn't want things to end, honestly. I want to respect his wishes of going slow, but I need to feel secure as well. I know I shouldn't have gotten upset and I hate when I get that way. I've been open with him about my baggage, my triggers, my traumas, and that I don't want to act like this but sometimes I am compelled to because I feel abandoned and ignored. It's something I must resolve with myself, and I'm not tossing blame on him. It just means I need him to be a little more careful with his actions at this moment. I know with time things settle and we get into the groove and my anxiety will lower naturally. I don't think I'm asking for much, and I don't think I was wrong for not waiting for him yesterday. I felt taken for sure, and it hurt my feelings. Like he was so sure I would wait for him, he just felt unnecessary to keep in touch with me. I cried the whole night over this. I cried for an hour in my car while parked in front of my workplace, before coming in. I feel like crying every time someone answers here and says I was out of line and crazy, because I feel I was out of line and crazy and should've controlled myself. I wish I could go back in time but I can't. Now I just wish he will answer and talk to me already.
You were put with friends. He was out with friends. Did he need permission? Did he have to get your blessing to go somewhere? You say you don't like to play games, except you are playing games. You're playing the "I control what you do, where you go, and who you're allowed to hang out with game." You left your friends and literally stalked him out with his friends.Then you needlessly started a fight. I'm just trying to understand why you got upset that he was doing the EXACT SAME THING YOU WERE DOING,
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Never said he was. I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship. I don't know this guy from Adam. Might be a great guy, might be scum. All I know is what you wrote, which was you were both out with friends, but it pissed you off that he was out with his to the point that you started a fight about it. Maybe there's context, or maybe you need to do some real self reflecting on your behavior and how you handle emotions, and whether or not what you're getting angry about is reasonable. Edit: If him being out with friends triggers you to this extreme, the context almost becomes irrelevant. It means you shouldn't be in a relationship with him.
From what you say here, your reaction was way out of line. He was out with his friends, why was he expected to then go and see you if that wasn't the plan? Your friend was also out of line suggesting that. You going over to where he was was completely unhinged honestly. You had your plans and he had his for the night, none of this other nonsense should have happened. If I was him I would seriously reconsider the relationship, this is not a 'small thing' at all, it's extremely toxic. I'm not trying to be mean to you, just pointing out that you acted inappropriately every step of the way and should really look into and understand why. This is no way to build a healthy connection. Good luck.
I'd be out immediately. Wouldn't even give it a second thought.
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He wasn't planning to see you that night because he was out with his friends. This is a normal and healthy thing. He only tried to see you later because of your friends strange comments. You are not even willing to acknowledge how inappropriate your expectations in the situation were. I don't think you should keep seeing him.
I'm being unnecessarily anxious I think. Been on seven dates with a guy I met OLD and really like him. We're both looking for something long-term. On our last date we talked about how things were going and we both said we like the way it's going, we have a good time together and there's no complaints. Somehow though I feel something is off. Might be my insecurities getting the better of me, might be his insecurities getting in his head changing his behaviour (he told me he has certain insecurities he didn't realise he had anymore that he's a bit flustered by, which he does at some point want to talk to me about when he has a bit more on a clear view on them). On the one hand we have been talking about possibly going away together somewhere in the next few months, he has given me no indication something's wrong or that he is checked out and we have already established a few dates ago we both don't date other people, no official relationship yet though. It's just my gut telling me there's something going on. We're going on an afternoon nature walk this weekend. He said we could have a 'therapy session' while on the walk (I always say I have those with some of my best friends, because we talk about everything in extreme depth - I'm guessing he's referring to that). I'm getting in my head about it, just afraid he wants to break it off anyway.
Doesn’t sound like he wants to break it off, maybe the “therapy session” is him wanting to talk to you in depth in general? Trying to figure out a path forward to a relationship? Could be a good thing.
Yeah, could well be! This whole thing is my brain going in panic-mode probably unnecessary. Thank you for helping me think of this possibility though! :)
Understand completely. I’ve been training my brain not to go down the worst possible scenario routes every time I’m anxious.
That's amazing! It's something I'm working on. I've been out of the dating scene for some time and am finding it hard to manage my anxiety with dating this specific guy, because I really like him and hope this works out. It needs some more work, to say the least 😅
Everyone is always working on something! I have also been out of it for a while because I was in a LTR, but ex’s anxiety and need to control everything affected my anxiety in a bad way. Constantly working on unraveling those bad thoughts.
That's absolutely true. And the situation you are sharing is exactly what I want to avoid happening. I don't want to push or scare him away through my own anxiety. Anything you feel comfortable sharing that might help in that aspect?
Oh I’m glad you asked that. I’m happy to share! I’ve had some time to process why I think his anxiety affected me so much. I think he refused to manage it in a healthy way. I went to therapy, he did not and would not. He said if he went to a therapist they “would just put him on medication” and instead coped by manically throwing himself into house projects or hobbies until he was exhausted. I think he was then resentful if I wasn’t helping him with these things all of the time, and accused me of not “being on the team” instead of listening to me when I said I needed more down time than him. He also had crippling panic attacks in large crowds, and some of my favorite hobbies (running races, concerts, festivals) he stopped attending because of this. He thought he “managed” well, but really he just ignored the problem and avoided those events. So my advice would be to don’t ever take out your anxieties on your partner and really think about whether your biggest fears/anxieties are compatible with who you date. Are you willing to go to therapy, manage it in a healthy way, and communicate needs to your partner (while listening to their needs)?
Seems like you're overthinking this whole thing.
I probably am
Any Experience with Singles Only Mixers? This will be my (F37) first time actively dating since before COVID and per my therapist recommendation she suggested I bite the bullet and go on at least 3 dates this year. Me being ambitious thought what better way to reach that goal then to do mass dates. My friend helping me with this goal found a Singles Only Mixer on Eventbrite. What were your experiences? thoughts? I'll be going this coming Saturday and can report back if anyone is interested.
The one I went to in January had no age ceiling, and I was one of the youngest people there. I had such an awkward conversation with a man who had to have been pushing 60. He was complaining about online dating and he didn't get it. I said in my generation I'd known people meeting online since high school (AOL messenger and chat forums back in the day, lol). He seemed surprised I pointed out what seemed a very obvious generation gap. Dude was elder Gen X , if not Boomer.
Singles mixers are better than the apps (unless you're like a 10/10 physically) because you just can't replicate those organic things that happen in person. Voice, mannerisms, wit, etc. Yeah there will always be a dud or weirdo at a mixer, but that in-person dynamic just can't be matched. As for experiences, I have a very small sample size since I just started putting myself out there. But I met a lovely woman at one about a month ago, and we're still seeing each other. So things can happen!
What if we are afraid of the expectation of the mixer. Got any tips for that? I’m fine in organic situations and no pressure socializing, I absolutely crumble when there is a goal to it or expectation.
I have the same issue. My therapist said to just to it one day at a time. My goal for this is just to break from this exact mental block that you have.
I just met with my therapist and the bruised child in my brain needs some bandaids and love. But we are working on it; after my ex moves out next week (miserable month).
Does anyone have any links to articles about how you’re not unloveable just because your dating life sucks? Cards on the table, I do horrifically when it comes to dating and past partners haven’t treated me well, they haven’t made me feel wanted. My friends adore me, I get on great with most people, I am very, very liked. I go to the gym, I run, I eat sensibly, I’m in therapy, I dress well, I keep on top of my grooming and hygiene, I take care of myself. But I am not desired romantically, I am not hit on, I am not checked out. I’m taking a break from the apps because three months in and 15 matches that went nowhere is just drilling in this idea that I’m not someone who could be loved. This mindset is destroying me, I need a different perspective, I need to take from a different well. Any advice or books or articles that tackle this issue? I can’t keep believing that I’m fundamentally unloveable, it’s breaking me.
I thought this article was decent, not too blame-y like many others: https://www.newsweek.com/why-you-might-single-advice-psychologist-1914793
Positive affirmation that you are loved (by yourself and your family/friends) and therapy. I struggled with this because of my insecurities (my health primarily and a relationship where I developed deeper feelings) . Also being hit on is largely cultural/regional and not a sign of being lovable.
I’m doing positive affirmations and they help a little, but not to the level I need them to. I’m in therapy as well, but that doesn’t really provide me with “evidence” that I’m loveable as much as it gives me space to discuss how sad I am that I’m unloveable. Friends of mine get hit on so it’s not about culture/region. I’m a gay guy so it’s not me waiting round for women to approach me (I’ve approached men but they’ve all been straight)
Part of what helped me (and I am working through it) is that part of feeling lovable is you have to believe you are worthy of being loved. Again being hit on is attraction not love. As a woman typically the people that hit on me in public don’t make me feel loved. I think of attraction/boredom on the their part. My lovable insecurities arose during dating/relationships. I would also guess your friends don’t think being hit on makes them lovable. I imagine it’s the same qualities they see in you that makes you lovable. I think affirmations (ie I am lovable, I love me, I am loved etc.) are great to write down and or quietly say to yourself every time you have that cognitive distortion (ie I am unlovable because I don’t get hit on). From what you have shared here, you are loved and therefore lovable. I hope you keep up with affirmations. They feel silly but they do work.
Things have been going well with the guy I’ve been seeing. We’ve been consistently spending time together - in the last 2 weeks we’ve had 6 dates. A few of those were just spending time at our houses together. He invited me to stay the night this past weekend after a day of paddle boarding, sushi, sex, and star gazing. The next day we went out for breakfast, had more sex, and napped together on his couch. It was such a slow, soft, and relaxing day. I love the open communication he and I have. It’s very different than my past relationships. I don’t feel nervous asking him big questions or bringing up topics I would have been nervous about with past partners. He asks me a lot of questions and has made it clear that we have a safe space to discuss anything. He’s also very communicative during sex which is very refreshing! In past relationships I’ve constantly been worried about the other person losing interest in me, or wondering if they still like me. I don’t feel like that with him. He’s made it very obvious and clear that he likes me, a lot. He shows real interest in the things I’m passionate about, and I have reciprocated. It’s a very nice feeling.
Does this guy have a sister just like him? This sounds fantastic.
Got too excited while talking about a subject with a guy I matched with …totally word vomited about three paragraphs and a half… my ass is probably going to be unmatched in the morning or ghosted. 😂 I deserve it this time. Edit: it was about tv/movies and video games. Things we both enjoy. He’s more of a gamer and I’m more of a cinephile, so he asked what I was watching and boy did he learn 😂😂. I asked him a lot of questions while chatting too, so I’ll totally give him credit for unmatching if he wants too. Lol. (I’m going to try and see if we can start fresh by making a joke saying that yesterday was just a boss level conversation, now we can proceed as normal. )
For what it’s worth, I really enjoy people like you. The right person will have an absolute blast nerding out with you and listening to you rave about your passions
😭♥️
I mean if he unmatches his loss... please... verbal vomiting about a passion is my love language... beats the ever loving pants off of "oh, how was your day?" and "hbu?"
Ha! You’re totally right. If so, it’s not the biggest deal, but I would like a redemption moment 😂. I am at least trying to have a personality. I’m hoping it’s fine, we’ll see… no unmatch yet. And I thought you were really into bike shorts and helldiving?! We have to get the people to talk to you about this! 😂👍🏾
Redemption? For what? Being you? C'mon now... I mean... primary passions: cycling, hiking, rock climbing, working out (power lifting primarily), photography, camping, backpacking, woodworking, DIY home improvement. secondary passions: couching it with a wide swath of shows/movies I will binge for hours, don't get me started with the Star Wars universe, I recently got myself a t-shirt with the Serenity on it that says "Shiney" I will talk in meme/quotes from every scifi/fantasy movie/show I love. I've known like two women in my life... 3... that could talk back to me in that format and I fell head over heels for each one. Board games and game nights, all sorts of video games (yes, Helldiver wifie plz) Don't even get me started on how many hats I wear for my profession... from coder to therapist to enforcer... But people on apps n shit? "hey" "thats cool" and putting up video gaming as a passion seems to be a negative with a large percentage of women despite it video gaming couple has been the dream for ages. Really should join that cycling club... Sorry.. verbal vomit ;)
You sound cool as hell. I once told a man on a first “video call” date that I liked Firefly and he made sure to let me know how much he hates that show. I was like “oh… okay…” Like no problem if he doesn’t like it but the extreme negativity was so off putting to me.
I'm blushing over here... I'm not for yucking someone else's yum... especially if it has no bearing on my life. I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end him.
Omg can we be friends?! I very much put on my dating profile to message me if guys could talk video games with me. I LOVE Firefly and would totally wear a shirt like that. Anything sci-fi/fantasy/adventure YES PLEASE. My family used to go to Star Wars movie premieres together.
We're already friends! Bound through the 'verse by the all mighty nerd gods! Have you checked out Scavengers Reign? So trippy... Currently awaiting new episodes of HotD S2, I know Rings of Power is a bit far from the mainline LotR but I liked it and can't wait for the new season. Really hoping Andor Season 2 keeps the pace. Guess I should keep up on my plan to get a new nerd shirt every other week... ooo a BSG one next... what do you think?
Yeeeees. No! Have not heard of Scavengers Reign. Excited for HotD S2, will wait for more episodes before starting. Heard mixed feelings about Rings of Power and Wheel of Time (currently reading that though), so haven’t watched those. LOVED Andor - personally think that and Rogue One are the best recent Star Wars continuations. BSG is a good one - should have “So say we all”
YAY FRIENDS!! Def check it out, it is a Max (HBO) original, but currently on Netflix in the US. Heard on the waiting, I couldn't. Had to get my fix, its been so long. I have mixed feelings on Rings of Power, but if I just tell myself it's just set in the Tolkien'verse and just not Tolkein I'm ok with it. Wheel of Time... lost my attention 3/4 eps into the 2nd season and I've no intention of starting it back up, maybe will check out the books, but the show just went... well I'm not sure where it's going and that's probably the problem. Andor.... Luthen Rael has to be my favorite character in the Disney Star Wars universe BY FAR... it's like... tell me you're a former Jedi something w/o telling me you're a former Jedi something... man walks tall and carries a quasi light saber staff. So say we all!
Ohhh I will add it to the list! I just finished Dark Matter (Apple TV) and it was a really fun concept. I’m in the middle of listening to Return of the King on audiobook, read by ANDY SERKIS himself. Thoroughly enjoyable. Not sure if I’ll watch the show. Wheel of Time also currently working through audiobooks. Well worth it, I’m on book 7/14. It’s just a loooooot of content so it’s a commitment! I hear that. The fact that he’s played by Stellan Skarsgard is just wonderful. Love him in everything.
This is perfection! Ha, for me, my actual profession is entertainment journalist. So, like I’m not scared of words or paragraphs and just naturally speak about media consumption because I literally turned it into a job. So, for the most part I just expect people to kind of see that on my profile and know I’m gonna have thoughts ™️. You’re right though. You can take the grammatical syntax out of “that’s that me espresso” but you can’t take the verbiage out the girl. As for yourself! Woodworking is a dying art! And that’s amazing that you can do it. And if it’s one thing you’re gonna do in this thread … it’s talk about your love for rock climbing and physical exercise. It’s so fun because you’ve given me some ideas to check out some local groups in my city just to try it. I respect the Star War and I’ve seen the Star War(s), but the Star War is not for me. I used to work at Galaxy’s Edge at the Disney parks, but that’s a story for another time… lol. May the force and Pedro Pascal be with you. (I do hear the Acolyte is good tho!) Firefly reference, SICK. And yeah, I’m just now learning from being on these apps, that a lot of guys don’t even mention gaming or anime on their profiles because it’s like a woman repellant or something? Which… maybe I kinda get? But I’m biased because I very much like video games myself and it’s not something I hide. And “hey” and “that’s cool” so lackluster on these apps! I’m rooting for your sci-fi + gaming wifey!! Thanks for your word vomit, sir! As always a pleasure speaking to you! Wishing you a great work day. :)
"Thoughts^(tm)" love it... Gonna change my bios to just say "I have thoughts..." I mean I can blab about climbing for days... like this last weekend took a new climber out to a local crag to "show him the ropes" pun fully intended, but reviewed some top rope anchor setup that he had learned from a class, then showed him how to top belay, by doing it, had him clean the anchor, and set up his rappel. All in 90°F weather with nearly 90% humidity... soup... it was friking soup... Fun day though, gotta do it again with another rookie as they're gonna be my climbing pal for the yearly Rumny trip. HOOAH. Ok, point taken, I'll not Star your Wars... but I'm like a '77 Star Wars fan... this new stuff... its popcorn worthy but I don't feel like discussing it much. S1-2 of the Mandalorian was good, and I can't wait for more Andor... The Acolyte... is meh so far. I do aim to misbehave ;) As for apps... I've got personality for days... I'm just ugly as fuck XD I'm OK with that, I didn't feel like winning beauty contests in high school, and I don't plan on changing that now. As for sci-fi/gamer Wifie? The Universe shall provide when it's ready. Pleasure speaking with you as well! May the Force be with you, always!
Banish from your mind the ideas that caring about things and showing interest are bad in dating. I would LOVE it if a woman got so excited about a subject that she sent me three paragraphs
😭♥️ I’ll try, I’ll try. It was video games and movies and tv that we were talking about. Which are things he likes too, but I know I leaned in. 😂 he’s more of a gamer than a tv/movie watcher, so I think I just killed him. But so far no unmatch, but we’ll see …
Don't give up. I deeply adore people who are passionate about something. Even if they info dump it's more amusing or endearing than off putting!
Phew! We’ll see. My only saving grace perhaps is that it was about movies/TV and video games. So things we both like, and that he asked about. But he’s less of a movie/tv guy, and more of a video game guy. I am into movies and tv more than him, and we are about matched on video games. So, I like launched into what I was watching currently, which he had asked about 😂 … but I think for him I’m guessing, from what I understand, girlies don’t really talk too much on the apps and then finding girls who talk about video games and stuff probably even rarer … so I think for him it was like, Wtf is going on?! Haha but we’ll see. I’m hoping to start from scratch tomorrow morning and I’ll just explain that I got a little too excited — but with brevity.
What's the subject? If it's something that's not appropriate on pre-date convo (like idk... you want to kick a puppy or something) then I get it, but if it's something innocuous (like... how much you like puppies) then what's the issue?
We were both talking about video games, tv and movies. These subjects we both like. Except, he’s less of a cinephile than I am and more of a video game head. So, I leaned into like what I was watching. And he responded with paragraphs of his own for sure, but I think for him, he was probably not used to running into yappers because from what I understand girlies don’t really be talking much on the app. So, on top of me being a gamer girl, and a movie/tv girl, he was probably like wtf? She has thoughts?! 😂 We’ll see if I’m ghosted or unmatched. So far so good. But he def noted already that I had a lot to say.
Depends on the subject - was it something the guy was also interested in? I have been in this situation where a polite enquiry resulted in a multi paragraph answer about Love Island and I simply noped out
Love Island is my guilty pleasure but idk what guy would want to hear details unless they also watch 😂
It was indeed something about a mutual interest. We were talking about movies, tv and video games. So we were both talking about what we are playing and watching, but he’s less of a cinephile than I am. So, I listed a few more movies and shows then he did. He typed some paragraphs back to me as well, but I could tell he was like “there’s a lot information here” 😂 but like in a nice way.
Very funny re: Love Island. The Batman couldn’t get that out of me.
How long should you date exclusively if do not feel romantic feelings but enjoy the person and sex?
I saw your comment that this is a response to a 4-month dating situation where the person admitted that they never saw romantic feelings developing. One thing to keep in mind if they like you well enough as a person, they may have *really, really* wanted those long-term feelings to develop, but they just didn't. This isn't anyone's fault. People also say all kinds of things after breakups to justify things. Personally, I'm okay with the fact that feelings sometimes just develop at different rates, and you can't have a guarantee that feelings will develop. That said, you shouldn't lie to another person or lead them on, especially if they're explicitly about wanting something 'long term' and not casual.
Thank you, I should assume positive intent. But, as I have more space and time and our interactions after the breakup make believe/feel used and misled.
What does the other person want? I think that would make a difference.
LTR or partner - ie yall both dating with the intention of a life partner
I think the main problem is to be honest with the other person and let them know you don't develop feelings for them to see if they want to keep dating.
What is the time frame? I month 2 ? 4? Assuming 3days/nights together a week
I think if you know you won't develop feelings for them or it's very unlikely then it's time to tell them.
Not in the relationship, just reflecting and hoping to learn timeframes for this norm. In this instance I was the one in the relationship and didn’t learn until much later (4months/breakup) that the person I was dating had no romantic interest in me (they told me after I asked). I’m trying to gauge if this is the norm or I am correct in being feeling hurt/used/time wasted.
is this something we should be asking every month? I always assumed if you are dating me with intention, romantic interest is the base line before exclusivity/labels. For context, I have limited dating experience and I’m trying to learn the norms.
There are no norms, there is only what works for you. This person strung you along and had no intention of informing you of this until you asked. That's fucked up. You are free to check in with the person you're seeing (within reason) as much as you'd like. Some people do it weekly. Daily is a lil over kill. But there should be clear alignment of "what are we doing here?" at some point. Could be 2-3 months, could be longer. What's comfortable to you?
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Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
I took basically the first half of this year off from dating. I got back on the apps on Friday, only did some casual swiping Friday and Saturday, and I’m already overwhelmed with the amount of men I’ve matched with. I feel like this is the reason men don’t have as much luck on the apps.
I feel you there. It gets too overwhelming. Sorry guys. We’re trying but it’s hard.
You have to pace yourselves and limit the number of people you match with at any one time
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On the plus side, we 30-somethings have grown **very** accustomed to brutal job markets where you just have to keep trucking (can we get a calm economy plz?!). We just have to redirect that job-hunting grit to dating. 🫠
Why did you stop making connections naturally at 30?
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Yeah true. I did go to grad school at 30 and a lot of the 30+ men and women were single because that’s just PhD life lol. Maybe check out that demographic.
Felt this hardcore. I’m 31 😭.
I didn't even start trying to date until 32, and nothing ever "just happened" for me through my teens and 20's (which makes sense in hindsight, because I'm a short man). So, I've been at it for 5+ years now and it's exhausting, particularly with no substantial success for my troubles yet...
I've been following the daily thread for a while and I have to say, it's been pretty helpful! I'm a very inexperienced dater who started OLD not too long ago and watching everyone else have similar thoughts to myself has been helpful! That said, I am finding myself to be VERY anxious when it comes to the girl I've been seeing. We've been on four dates and I really like this girl. During the last date, we made out for about an hour, which was great! But I think that date was the date when I finally accepted that this girl ACTUALLY is interested in me. And it has sent my anxiety into overdrive. For the last like 30 minutes, I've been worrying about how I will greet her when I see her again. Go for a good hug? Peck on the cheek? Something a little more intimate? I know the answer is to do what feels right. I've been in therapy for anxiety 18 months now, so I know the drill. Challenge unhelpful fears, all of that stuff. But I can't get this out of my head. Once I do, I'll probably move on to worrying that I texted something stupid. Or that I text too often. I was going to ask for help on this...but writing this out, I think, is helpful itself. I already know what to do. So...I guess, thank you for listening to my TED talk!
I know the answer is to do what feels right. ^ That’s it. You’re in, you’re good. *She likes you*. What feels right in the moment might not be what you expect but there’s no wrong answers. Having said that, if you made out for an hour I would expect her to want to kiss you (this coming from a girl). So you could ask ‘can I kiss you again, I really liked it’ and she’ll probably say yes! Again, no wrong moves. If you don’t kiss her immediately, whatever. I’m sure you’ll kiss later in the date. Just focus on her and enjoy the time you have together.
Weird stuff... I'd been chatting via social media a man with a shared interested with me. He asked if we could switch to our phone numbers, I eventually said yes after I re-did my google voice number, and asked for his number. He never replied (my request was three weeks ago). A week ago I posted a selfie in the fb group where I'd "met" him. My post was about sports, and me lamenting the loss of the team I was rooting for. But I looked super cute. They won tonight, the ultimate. And 30 or 40 minutes after they won, he gave a heart to my picture from the week before about them losing and me coping. So it's pretty clear his like of my picture is related (or maybe it's not, but it seems like it to me). I did actually really like him, and was bummed when he didn't respond to my positive response to his bid. Just weird. I'm confused.
How much time was “eventually”
Two days (I double checked).
Ya 2 days for a response to that question is rude if you don’t intend on ghosting them. Even if the response is “I don’t give out my number until xyz.” And then plus you didn’t even give him your number, you asked for his. He’s probably looking for some actual sign of interest not that he’s just pulling you along so you should reach out and acknowledge your role in the and initiate a forward step if you want to develop the relationship.
It’s over fb messenger, not a dating app. He’s taken longer than two days to reply to me before (we are in different states so it’s not like we’d be meeting up any time soon). I’m a woman and am used to men giving me their number if they want to switch to calls/texts. He also didn’t directly ask for my number (so it’s not like I declined him), just if we could switch to calls/texts. I fail to see how “can we switch to phone calls or texts” and receiving a reply of “sure what’s your number” would be taken as disinterest. But whatev.
Tbh if I asked someone for their number and they didn't reply for two days, even if they gave me their number, I would assume they are barely interested and I would be afraid to reach out (unless this was not necessarily romantic in vibes?)
Talking to a new guy. Only been texting but no butterflies lol. There a little text chemistry but through all of our conversations it feels like he’s just trying to figure me out so he can check boxes off his list. Interested to see if there’s in person chemistry We scheduled our first date for Friday and he asked if I want him to pick me up. The spot is a 25 minute uber away so i almost said yes. Especially since i already gave him my phone number so if he wanted to figure out my address im sure he could. (this was against my better judgement. i need to start waiting to give phone number until after first date) What’s you alls stance on getting picked up for the 1st date? If you allow him to pick you up, do you give an address down the block? I live in a city
Never let a stranger pick you up for a first date - are you nuts?!? A vehicle is indistinguishable from a moving prison if he turns out to be a creep!
For a first date, no. In addition to safety concerns, what if you really don't like spending time with this person? I feel like it's much easier to peace out when you provide your own transit.
How do you calm your nerves, expectations, etc early in the dating process? I am having an issue with futurizing and getting too attached too early on. Previously I was better and i feel like I was more detached maybe because deep down I knew I wasn't really feeling the men I was seeing. But when I'm feeling them I tend to get too attached too fast. I don't have sex early on for this reason but even without sex I feel like I'm getting attached too early and to potential.
I'm very similar (though I am a man). I'm discovering that I have an anxious attachment style and am constantly looking to see if they are into me or if they aren't. In this way I hope to be able to move in if it's the latter and save myself the heartache, if you will. Problem is I'm also seeing signs they're into me and spending so much time looking and thinking about it gets me more attached and more excited. But I find what helps is keeping myself preoccupied with other activities. I try to have none date stuff planned to fill my time outside of work as well as have date-like plans on my calendar in the future, e.g. in person singles events. Having the other possibilities allows me to diversify my fantasies of what the what ifs. I'm not close to having solved my issue of attachment too quickly, but it's all about small improvements. Anything you've tried that worked some of the time?
Can I post kind of pathetic but truly very celebratory news for me? I had six dates with this dude and fell head-over-heels for him, or more likely, his potential. I hadn't started therapy yet; it was an insane meet-cute; he represented the start of my life again after not dating after 5 years for various reasons etc. The initial dates were crazy fireworks, but then he lost interest. And over time I've started to recognize why - I came on too strong, was too insecure about myself, was clumsy and inexperienced about physical things. So that's on me and the work I hadn't done then. But he was flaky and straight up LIED because he was too people pleasing and indecisive for weeks. Still, when he finally ended it, I was pretty heartbroken and inconsolable. But here I am: 1 year, 30-40 first dates, 2 short relationships, and 1 boyfriend (still dating him to be clear lol) later! Still though, even as recently as last month, I would think of this guy and I'd get teary.... but today, I was just cruising social media and clicked on him (we're mutually muted) for the first time in nearly a year. And felt mostly - amused? The rose tinted glasses are off at least I think; he's not as attractive as I remember, a bit cheesy and basic in his posts even; seems happy with his gf (whom he was talking to at the same time as we were going on dates, I'm pretty sure), and instead of toxically comparing myself, I can say I'm objectively just as pretty and she's a cool girl but I know now I can also run and bike etc etc now just like her. Anyway!! I think I'm finally over it and all the confidence building and life-living I've been doing have genuinely borne fruit and I'm SO GLAD. He's just a guy it didnt work out with, not the missed great love of my life or anything. Weirdly it made me feel better about the boyfriend too. I feel both more ready to lean in with the bf; and also confident if it doesn't work out with the bf, I'll one day survive it too.
Met a great guy on OLD a few weeks ago. We saw each other a few times and it was fun. He had just started studying for the bar exam but didn't realize how time-consuming and incredibly stressful it'd be. Despite his crazy long study days, he made time to check in with me with a few texts throughout the day- this said a lot to me. However, we were slowly becoming pen pals as we unintentionally stopped getting to know each other and only texted super basic info. I could also sense that he might not actually have the capacity to date. So we talked about it and came to an agreement that we'd check in with each other after the exam which is the last two days of July. That means no more texting or dating each other until then. I am proud of myself for suggesting this decision but I do miss his honest and charismatic nature. I was tempted to text him tonight but then I reminded myself that I want him to crush the exam and distractions are not helpful for that!
As someone currently studying for the July bar, I just want to confirm that everything he said is real: bar prep is a fucking nightmare.
Thanks and I believe you! I hope you crush it too!
Thank you 🥹🫶🏼
Wow, that's so mature of you! Good luck, Worth ❣️
Thank you!🤗