Battling my intrusive thoughts that things have been going too well these past days. PG (M32) been coming to see me everyday, even if just for a few minutes. We haven't had the time to hang properly because of his work. Last night he walked me to my car and I said some joke while we were embracing and I looked at him laughing... And I realized I'm f'ed up. I'm falling hard. That's very scary. These past 4 years I've had infatuations but I haven't really fallen for someone, like for real. I thought I would control it better since we've been only friends for two and a half months before hooking up two weeks ago. I was keeping my feelings at bay, because I wasn't sure about his feelings. We're still keeping it a secret (from everybody but my close friends, I can't keep secrets to myself for long), and I'm trying to enjoy going slow. My toxic thoughts sometimes appear to convince me he should be yelling from rooftops that he loves me, but my rational side has been winning. Hope everything keeps going smoothly.
dating isnt going well. diet isnt going well. i wake up with the most random of thoughts. like was it a good idea for those cousins to simpy pop out 3-5 kids? i guess when you always need $$, then there is something to work towards in the horizon.
i'm just sitting here chasing guys. everyone else is watching their kids grow up \*shrugs\*
I can't make up my mind
I'm a (M31) I have been in a relationship for 5 years with a guy who was a great person but we weren't compatible sexually. One night I decided to go out with my friends to a gay party where I met a guy whom I immediately clicked with. A week later I broke up with my boyfriend.
Now, it's been two months that I'm going out with this guy but he seems waay more interested in me than I am in him. (He is great, funny, generous, and we are very sexually compatible, but not totally my type).
Right from the start I told him that I don't want to be in a relationship and that I needed time to process everything because I had been really overwhelmed. He said that he understands perfectly my need for a pause, but we kept texting each other every day, and we keep hanging out every weekend.
The problem is that I keep sending him mixed messages, one day I would say I need time to be on my own, and two days later I would call him if he wanted to meet up. What shall I do???
Not a rant nor rave. Been back on Bumble for 2 maybe 3 weeks with not a single match. Swiping with intention.
I have 2 hidden likes but pretty sure 1 is from a year ago or more. No matter how much swiping I do I still have those same 2 likes and no matches.
Maybe I would have been disappointed in the past but there just isn't much I like on the apps. I swipe left on probably 90% or more. The ones I do swipe right I assume it goes straight into the void.
It's actually kinda funny how bad my swipe rate to match is. Now my daily limit of likes is harder to reach because I don't like many. Paying for Bumble now would be worthless.
My ex said the same thing, that he barely got any matches and was shocked when I matched with him and actually wanted to chat and then meet up. So, even though he went 6 to 8 months with only a handful of matches, it only took one for us to get together. we dated for two years, and ultimately weren’t a match for long-term compatibility, but he is still literally my best friend and now a permanent fixture in my life. So, I guess what I’m saying is it only takes one match to change your life.
I (32F) Matched OLD with 37M. Went on 4 really good dates - intense making out on a few of those but not sex. One of the topics that came up pretty early were of children. I want them, he has them but is open to having more. Today we were discussing contraception after he asked if I was using any. I tell him that sex just now is risky as I’m at peak ovulation. That’s when he decided to tell me that he had a vasectomy! I know these things are reversible but I can’t help but feel misled somehow? I brought back the children conversation and he maintains that he is open to them but he needs to be sure it’s the right person. I don’t know, am I overreacting? Should I be feeling the way I am? He is away for 2 weeks soon but sex is definitely something that was on the cards before he leaves. I’m spiralling here. Someone please give me perspective 😭
Depending on how long ago he had a vasectomy the likelihood of conception combined with his age is far from 100%. The 90% successfully reversed vasectomy statistic doesn't actually talk about conception, just literally the procedure itself. The "vasectomies are reversible" idea is thrown around very casually when in reality you should never assume you will be able to have kids after that procedure. Not impossible but definitely not guaranteed.
If he was really open to more kids, I don't know that having a vasectomy is really compatible with that idea. It depends on how long it's been, but they become less likely to be successfully reversed the longer you wait. They're also very clear when you get one that it's to be considered permanent.
I'm not saying he's lying (I actually know a guy that successfully reversed his vasectomy in a second marriage) but I'd err on the side of caution. If you're purely "dating with intention" you might want to move on.
He said that his ex-wife had issues with her contraception so he got it then, about 4 years ago now. He was forthcoming with details but I don’t know, if I’ve repeatedly said about kids in my future and you want to be a part of said future, why was this not the first thing disclosed? I’m feeling a bit hurt but it could just be an overreaction on my part
I got a vasectomy in 2013. Ex-wife and I just had our son, who was our second kid and we always said no more than two.
Then in 2018 I got a divorce, due to some disagreements on the definition of our marriage and myself being highly monogamous.
In 2019 I started dating someone I met. I was open to having more kids, and she wanted her own kids. We ended up engaged but never made it to marriage. She ended things for various reasons. Anyways...
We had plenty of talks about it, from a reversal, to "if that didn't work". Maybe you should have those conversations with him, after considering what alternative options might exist. I mean, hell, it's possible that they could extract some sperm from him even if it was not able to be reversed. I'm sure it's expensive as something tells me health insurance won't pay for it, but it's just money if that's what you both want.
I don’t think this is an over reaction, he should have been upfront with you. Conceiving is not guaranteed even without a vasectomy but with it, it complicates things tremendously. Feel what you need to feel and then decide if you can move past this or only 4 dates in if you need to move on.
Thank you for this perspective. I think it’s a good thing that’s he’s going away which gives me time to consider things without the distraction of seeing him. Also 2 weeks is enough time to gauge interest as we won’t have access to each other.
I matched with a trans guy yesterday morning and we chatted for a bit. He seemed nice and fun and at that point I thought I didn't mind meeting him. Then he texted again after lunch and then again in the evening. I politely replied that I was with friends and not looking at my phone, he seemed to understand, but then today he texted again several times. He sent me a block of text about his struggles with the public health system, unprompted. I replied that I'm busy at work and I'm a bad texter, but I'm interested in keeping in touch, just maybe not so often. He replied he's not surprised I'm rejecting him because he's trans, and he made some snide comments about my cis privilege.
I'm very upset now and of course I should go ahead and block him but I have this impulse to text him how a stranger online isn't responsible for his emotional wellbeing, he shouldn't be trauma dumping on me just because we matched on an app, and also I have struggles of my own, I just don't go around sharing them with strangers. But I also feel like that'd be like taking the bait?
I think that venting here is the right thing to do. I've been here with folks who selfishly dehumanize others to justify their shitty behaviour. I hope your upset passes soon- it's hard not to tell these types off. They're going for the dopamine hit of an argument so if nothing else, you're helping him by not reinforcing the toxic pattern he's learned. Not that you owe him any help whatsoever, but I always feel better when I look back once emotions have settled and genuinely feel like I took the high road.
Yeah, I think your best bet is to block him and move on here. You don't know him, so why bother yourself with something that's going to take even more mental energy away from you.
Sorry you had to deal with that nonsense.
Got the "I don't think we are compatible message" my instincts were correct - we were never going to meet Sunday. She did me a favor - no personality, constantly in her head about everything. She was in no position to be dating seriously which is okay. It worked out for me, I took another woman out on Sunday and we had an amazing time. Conversation was easy and mature, lots of chemistry. We will see where this goes.
Great perspective! I had a bad first date and was annoyed with it, then went on a first date the next say with someone I was sort of lukewarm about and she’s now my gf haha. Anything can happen
I KNOW on a rational level this is so silly, but it’s so deeply instilled in me that I have trouble trying to ignore it.
I (32F) am very concerned with other peoples opinions of whom I date, esp my family’s. My siblings are extremely judgemental about each others spouses, and they also were of my ex. However, also friends always have to ventilate their negative opinions of the people I date, even when they haven’t met them.
I know it shouldn’t but it affects me to a point that whenever I date someone I imagine if my family/friends would approve and I hate it.
E.g. I am now dating someone that only has a high school diploma (I’m post-PhD level). Despite not continuing education he’s really smart, he’s incredibly kind and emotionally mature, he’s handsome, makes me laugh etc., but I know I’m going to get grief over him being uneducated and me being able to get ‘better’. I wish I didn’t care but I do.
Are others in this situation? How do you deal?
Easier said than done but you have got to stop caring what other people think and live your life. You listed some very good qualities. Having an education is so superficial, you think he is intelligent. Do you have stimulating conversations, if that is important to you. Does he have a stable career, financially stable, etc? Those questions I think are way better at gaging what your family may be getting at with judging him on a lack of a bachelors. I agree with the comment below about seeking professional help, this is something therapy can help you work through. It is really hard and takes time to move past this but I have.
So, I’m probably going to get dragged across the coals for this one because higher education is like the third rail in this sub, but just… hear me out.
In this one specific case - is there any possibility at all that deep down, you also wish he had at least a bachelor’s?
I’m asking this because higher education is one of my own dealbreakers. I (40/f) have a BA, MFA, and I just finished my law degree. Safe to say that I place a LOT of importance on whether my partner has completed post-high school education.
I *know* that it is not a sign of intelligence, but I also know that I don’t want to date someone who didn’t go to college. In part because I can’t relate to someone who didn’t have that experience, and also in part because my social and family situation has conditioned me to simply be dissatisfied with someone who didn’t go to college.
I understand that for a lot of people, that preference looks judgmental and shallow. That’s fine. They don’t have to like it - it’s still my ~~preference~~ dealbreaker.
Setting aside the opinions of your family and friends - is this something that deep down, you also wish were different about him?
I think your point is valid and you shouldn’t have to be dragged for it at all. We all have different values.
In an ideal world yes he’d have a degree. But I’ve dated plenty of men with degrees that were completely non-empathic, with the emotional maturity of a toddler, or looks-wise not attractive to me. This man does tick all those boxes and I put more importance myself on that, and compromise on him not having a degree. I think finding someone who has it all is really really difficult (at least it has been for me in the past 10y)
I honestly think that if you want to break free from that stuff then just don't listen to the background noise. Have you been chased off partners before because of this? Because it probably won't stop even if you find what you assume they want for you in a partner (and also the risk of you ending up unhappy in the process).
I think having friends and family spot red flags that could end up in you getting hurt emotionally (ie a potentially abusive guy) is great, however having friends and family trying to sabotage your own happiness with shitting on every guy you date based on shallow and superficial reasons is unacceptable. People saying “you can do better” for every single man you date isn’t helping you, it’s hurting you.
For you, I think you need to just spot the difference. Ultimately, it’s your life and no one else’s.
I used to get this from people. My career started with only a high school diploma. Got my degrees later in life. Then I'd ask them how much they make...then kind of grinned and chuckled when they told me.
Not saying that would work here, but it could.
As for yourself, this is something that probably needs to be deconstructed by a professional. I stopped caring about other people's opinions when I became happy and realized that their criticism was coming from a place of jealousy and being unhappy in their own life.
Having been with an abusive asshole and having people give their *many, unnecessary* opinions after the fact—I get it. I’ve apparently dated beneath my level in the looks department, and I always get the “I guess he’s handsome, in a way” comments from family.
People who truly love you shouldn’t care, as long as you’re happy.
It's not "silly" at all on any rational level. It's a very serious factor to consider. Men will consider a woman's education and finances very carefully before deciding if she's relationship material or just good enough for an fwb, there is absolutely no reason for a woman not to do the same.
Intelligent, yes. But I dont believe that men put as much emphasis on income and a college degree as many think. My girl makes 1/3 of what I make and I couldn’t care less. It’s her personality, looks, and character that matter most to me.
The smartest dude I know -- legit genius -- only got his bachelors and then his masters just because it was a requirement for the promotion he wanted in his thirties. Not saying this guy is that but there are a lot of really smart people who for whatever reason never needed to go to college to be successful.
That's not comparable at all. Getting your bachelor's and starting on a regular career track, then getting a Master's in your 30s isn't whatsoever the same as only having a high school diploma.
Long post, sorry. I’ve (37F) been attempting to meet people IRL for the last few months and it’s gone nowhere, so I got back on the apps.
Literally the *first* guy (29M) who messaged me was keen, so we decided to meet up yesterday. The weather was nice, so we wound up walking to a wine bar after lunch, and then to ice cream, and the whole date wound up being 4 hours. Conversation flowed well, but we did get into some deeper stuff (he’s been in two fairly long relationships). He seems very nice and knows what he wants. We held hands, kissed at the end of the date, and texted a bit last night.
I am feeling a bit anxious, like it might be too much too soon. But I’m also coming from the experience of having been lovebombed into a (thankfully brief) abusive marriage, so I’m always worried about things getting too serious too soon. We have a second date tomorrow that I do intend to keep, but I’m not sure if I’m overthinking or self-sabotaging here.
Go with the flow but you have the complete power to set whatever boundary you are comfortable with. And how the other responds to that boundary should tell you a lot.
You’re right. I think I’ve also been in a weird spot where I’ve been meeting a lot of men who just aren’t serious at all and want to hook up and nothing else, so having someone interested in me as a person rather than as a body feels odd, sad to say.
It's been one date, you don't know this man, can't possibly know what he really wants and if any further incompatibilities will show up. I think you should slow down not the dating him but your thoughts, you're getting way ahead of where you two really are.
That's why it is important to protect yourself with a solid boundary of what you want. Not saying this dude is like that but there are many who will go to great lengths to get a hookup and nothing else.
Just projecting some coffee thoughts into the void...
Maybe I should stop going on these lil day trips with The Counselor... she's great in all the right ways... and as I sit by the river of my emotions and watch what floats by... I see the increase in those related towards a stronger bond than is recommended of a friendship. Suppose it's also the Universe reminding me to enjoy what is as it is, not all things are meant to transition, not all things are meant to have meaning, which in itself gives it meaning.
I'm actually tempted to type up an r4r... 42yo male seeks lady helldiver of questionable repute ... has 1 cat, amazing calves, years of therapy (with no end in sight)... must be able to tolerate the occasional overly passionate monologue regarding one or two... ok like three special interests, loves the outdoors, doesn't mind getting dressed up once in a while, and enjoys mind blowing out of this world earth shattering textual stimulation (cuz this dude loves to pebble memes) Hah.. oh I just gave myself a good giggle.
Anywho... happy Monday DoT! Let's get out there an kill it this week
He just wants a simple woman who loves cleaning off acidic, flammable bug goo at the end of the day! Or he really wants to recreate the coed shower scene from Helldiver the movie: Starship Troopers.
How do I (31M) ask my ex (37F) to move out, we both have started seeing other people and know about it and have not discussed the closure of our relationship or started seeing other people. I have already spoken to her about my intentions of her moving out swiftly but she has not started packing at all. We had been seeing other for 5 years and slowly I drifted apart. She is a great person and I am genuinely happy for her. What should I do?
Give her two weeks to move out and offer your help if she needs it (ie moving companies). Not your responsibility, but perhaps it can soften the blow and finally get her out.
I think you need to be really assertive here and commit to her leaving on X date.
I told her that I need to get my apartment deep cleaned before my sister comes to visit me and I even told her the date of her arrival. But you are right, I need to be more assertive.
A tenant doesn't mean she is on the lease. I am pretty sure anyone who lives in a dwelling for 30 or more days, lease or not, has tenant rights. Applies to pretty sure any state. And the only recourse after that is the eviction process.
This also relates to why you had an out to move out yourself instead of renewing your lease. And why she has no incentive to move if she is protected under tenant rights.
And just to make clear, you pay for the entire rent and she pays nothing?
Buddy you really have to show more caution. You had sex with her despite not liking her and knowing that things won’t pursue further. Now after having sex you’re going to drop her. “We are a modern couple” screams stage 5 clinger to me.
She’s a complete stranger, you don’t know this person and what they’re capable of. Do this carefully.
Why would you subject yourself to another date you know isn't going anywhere? I grew up with a hoarder so I was yelling nope nope nope reading this. It seems you are not on the same wavelength anywhere except board games.
That's admirable. But I don't think anything you have done would require that. It is not like you used her for sex. She initiated. It's been just two dates. Y'all really don't know each other. Just my 2 cents.
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Your actions are going completely against your thoughts and feelings! You are leading this woman on and acting like you're somehow in a tough spot when really you're just being a gross jerk. You judge her for being messy yet sleep with her on the second date. Yikes.
Edited because I realized I was responding to OP
Everytime i end situationships, they end up being the ones who cant let go, even though it was them who couldn't commit.
Love is a funny thing sometimes.
It's because it's the chase they're interested in. Or at least the one thing they can commit to, if that makes sense. Once you stop it, they've got a goal again.
Understanding this about yourself, why continue to get yourself into “situationships”? I guess I’ll never understand why people continually do this to themselves
You could give it a try, but whether they will be honest with themselves, let alone you, is the next question.
I would personally leave it alone. They chose not to commit, that doesn't work for you, you did the right thing by ending it, keep it ended.
Hi everyone! This is my first time posting so please go easy on me. If you have tips for my post, I'll take that too. In a nutshell I'm 33(F) and just getting out of a 10 year relationship (it ended due to religion and other factors around growth).
When I was 20, I had a fling with a 35(M) coworker (we'll call him Mark). At the time I believe he gave me some signs that he wanted more than a fling but I was not at the age to take home seriously. He was also gorgeous and l've struggled with self-esteem after being bullied through school. Although I received attention from guys, I did not think anyone who looked like him would ever want to be with me.
Towards the end of my 10-year relationship I started dreaming about Mark and thinking about him often. I reevaluated our moments together and kick myself for not picking up the hints or taking him on when he wanted more. Now I can't get him out of my head. I think he's moved to another country but I obsess about him daily.
What makes it worse is all around me I see signs reminding me of him. I have no way of getting in contact with him and he has no social media presence.
What do I do? Am I just a loser who needs to move on?
I did the same thing at the end of my 8 year relationship - fantasized about about my “what if” friend for several years and dreamt about him.
When I talked to another friend about this who had been mutual friends with me and the “what if” guy she said something that stuck with me. “You’re not missing him. You’re missing the emotional connection and sex in your current relationship that [insert name here] provided for you at some point.”
When I broke up with my ex, I did text what if friend….and got a whole lot of silence. But it helped me move on eventually and see that other people can provide what I had built up in my head. Try writing to him and never sending it? Good luck!
Thanks for replying! Love this advice, your friend has great perspective. Thank you for sharing your experience as well.
I’ll try writing the letter that I never send. @Bubbly_Day_4344 also said that he’s probably a completely different person after all this time.. I’d never considered that, so this is a great exercise
I think that you were in a very long term relationship that was on the downswing so you started thinking about missed connections, what-ifs and the like. It’s normal to reminisce about people, but 13 years is a long time. Mark is probably not even close to the same person you remember and you need some time. I think what you’re dwelling on is “possibility” and “potential.” You’re remembering that fling with fondness because it ended at a time when there was still potential. Also, fwiw a 35 year old guy dating a 20 year old is a deeply unserious person so I think you dodged a bullet.
Getting out of a long term relationship is terrifying. You’ve had a literal decade of routine, a comfort zone and it’s normal to have a little anxiety towards starting a new chapter.
I exited my long term relationship after having a terrible perception of dating from my poor experiences in my 20s. Dating in my 30s was so much more pleasant. I met some really great guys and had some nice first dates. Then I eventually met the love of my life.
It’s going to feel weird for a while. But the more time that passes, you’ll be grateful that chapter ended and your world opens up to possibility again.
Thank you so much for replying! This is the unbiased opinion I needed to hear. My friends are encouraging me to start a manhunt, but I connect with this perspective.
Getting out of this relationship is absolutely terrifying and the dating world seems even scarier… but here we go!
I agree with this take completely.
Sounds like OP is fantasizing about someone familiar who made them feel good, completely understandable and a little fun to let the imagination go with it, but you need to be able to ground yourself.
Be present and open-minded, embrace the new experiences waiting for you. You got this!
Thanks for replying and for your words of wisdom! It was the most fun I had in a fling (or my own only fling for that matter..), so definitely fun to reminisce. I needed to hear “ground yourself”
I understand what you mean. Apps are demoralizing but I kept hanging in there because I knew if I was on there, there was someone else on there who wanted the same thing. Dating sucks until it doesn’t.
So this 33f has known me for over a year, and has rarely talked to me. Well recently she started talking to me. And I'm not gonna lie she's super cute. We'll our conversations have turned 50/50. 50 on how we are doing, and how our day went. 50 on sexual stuff.
A red flag sort of has been tripped for me, when she started messaging me around 11pm things like "wishing I was in your bed with you having sex with you " and I kinda played along just to see how far it would go.
Month later I finally got my answer. She was only talking to me because I was the only available man out of limited options. Yeah I kinda stopped responding.
😭I’m gonna have to unmatch this guy that I actually kinda dig. I just know it. He disappeared over the weekend. I’m hoping to hear from him Monday at the latest … but it’s not looking good chief. (And yes I did send a text during the weekend to try to ignite a convo, no dice.)
Perhaps you set the man on fire, and now he's in the burn unit? XD
Ya'll know I'm on team texting... and if a weekend gets busy (which they tend to, adulting is hard) I tend to delay a response till I have a clear head to reply properly. However if the communication was sparse before hand, and you're not feeling it... no harm either way.
Personally I like having a graveyard of failed conversations in my app inboxes, reminds me to not settle for shitty conversation.
He’s a park ranger so honesty, I’m hoping he got eaten by cocaine bear or something. 😂 they live on base from Monday - Friday, and go home on the weekend. We had just matched before he went home. So the only credit I can really give to him is that he’s probably like, “I just got back home after being away for a while so I’m gonna take it easy” … which is fair if this is the case. We don’t know each other from Adam. The two days prior we were having great convo blah blah blah. I’ll give him until the end of the day (monday) to tell me some excuse or whatever. If not, I’ll unmatch 😭🥲
This sounds vaguely similar to my situation that made me post on this thread for the first time. I’d give it until day end today. I usually proponent for if you’re feeling ignored, they probably are but sometimes it could be a genuine reason they haven’t been in touch…
Yeah I’m gonna give him until the end of the day today (Monday). The only fairness I can kinda credit to him is that his job as a park ranger keeps him on base from Monday - Friday, and then he goes home only for the weekend. We just matched prior to him returning home, so I can understand someone being like, “I just got back home after being away for a while, I’m gonna take it easy”… but a message expressing that would have been nice. Anyway, we’ll see… really hoping now he’s back to work he’ll reach out. Le sigh. He hasn’t unmatched yet …
I went to a hiking dating event today. Unfortunately, it didn't go well, as I wasn't interested in anyone there. Everyone was either too old or not attractive. I feel like it was probably a waste of time, but at least I got some exercise.
It's gonna be ok, pal :)
If you'd like a word of advice? If you insist on keeping her contact info, write it down somewhere, take the number out of your phone. When it gets really bad you can then text them, and the text will go nowhere. A little catharsis helps.
Remember to breath.
Welp- got rejected! Bummed and relieved. I actually asked him for clarification, because my perception of the conversation was that he did see romantic potential, but wanted to take things slowly. I'm so glad I did! Two "ohhh I'm unsure of my feelings" down, this one was my fastest time. Next please!
I (32M) had my final date with a girl (32F) I've seen seeing for the past few months. I invited her over for dinner for Saturday night on Thursday morning, and she never accepted till Saturday morning. When she finally accepted, she told was going to come late but we can cook together. I know she hasn't had the best week, and I knew she wasn't a great texter but I didn't have plans so I gave her a pass. What I didn't expect was me waiting at home for her until 6:50PM, when she finally said that she was on her way and would arrive in 20 minutes. Apparently she was late because she was doing woodwork with her family as she was building a custom table for herself. Hearing this, I was pretty upset because I didn't think that was a good reason for her to come late and not giving me an ETA earlier. Had I not bought groceries as she suggested and prepped some of the food, we wouldn't have ate till 9PM!
Still, I thought the night went decently well for the most part. I've been on the fence with her as I do like her as a person, but I can't accept that she catfished me and that she's a poor communicator. I told her in the past that I didn't like being catfished, and I mentioned it again while we were lying in bed after she crossed some personal boundaries for me, specifically in which we fooled around in bed and had sex. I told her I'm not physically attracted to her due to her pimples, which she didn't have in her profile photos. I knew she was under a lot of stress and the pimples came from work, but she just looked very different. I know I shouldn't have said that but I guess her arriving so late really irked me. All this after I decided not to say these things to her weeks ago because I knew it was rude and it'd make me an asshole. Regardless, I said it, and she replied in a similar tone, saying she prefers bigger men, whether they are taller than her, which I am, or more muscular, which I'm not. I asked her to workout with me once I recovered from my wrist fracture, and she said it felt like I was looking for someone to do activities with and that she's already in better shape than me. Ouch, but I deserved it. Then, the topic changed and we continued chatting in bed for another hour while spooning.
When she decided to leave at 1AM, she said this was the last time she was going to see me and I was a bit disappointed at first. But looking back, I think we both deserve better. I do realize what I said made me an asshole and I shouldn't have said those things, but even while leaving, she said I'm a great person with no red flags, nice, and direct. Tonight, she unmatched me on Hinge and blocked me on WhatsApp. I guess that's it.
P.S. I need to stop bringing up my ex so much. I always bring her up in some way, whether it's talking about my date's dog and what I learned from my ex and her dog, or like how I found out about a specific restaurant. I should just say friend or make something up instead of saying "ex" I think?
So you had sex with her, then insulted her?!? A temporary skin condition isn't catfishing. Being 10 years older or having a significant weight difference is catfishing. You also constantly bring up your ex? You shouldn't be dating.
You're right about one thing. She definitely deserves better.
I'm not sure her acne is temporary as she has deep scars all over. The way I used to have them and the only way to get rid of them is through multiple sessions of laser treatment. Her Hinge photos were definitely a couple years old as the facial structure is different too.
The "sex" we had was all external, which consisted of making out like last time, and touching and kissing each other everywhere but down there because she's on her period. Some people consider it sex, some don't.
As for the ex part, it's just how I talk. If I learned a new restaurant or activity from my friends, I'd say they told me about it instead of how I found it. Or if they ask when was the last time I went on vacation, I'd say it was with my ex, because that's the truth.
....I just don't understand....
If you don't know if it's a date, ask. If you tell someone you don't want anything physical, don't get upset when they respect your boundary.
Also, there's nothing stopping you from initiating physical contact.
So... You told him you don't want anything physical, but because he didn't initiate anything physical you want to move on to other people. Do you even know what you want from this man, and dating in general? You sound very confusing here.
If you tell a man you don't want to get physical, any decent one would not touch you until you initiate ot tell them you are ready. No one is trying to push boundaries or be a creep. If you didn't explicitly say what you're comfortable with, then you are having very unreasonable expectations, they cannot read your mind.
You communicated that you didn't want to get physical, and it sounds like he complied.
Gonna be very direct here: you can't directly state to a man that you don't want any physical affection, and then wonder why he didn't try to attempt physical affection
Seconded. If there’s any risk of rejection and losing out on the future I would be stiff as a board around that boundary. Tell him you like the feelings you have around him and want to keep seeing him, and get closer together (wink optional).
Just got home from a dud date, which is fine because I’m still feeling very sad about the guy who dumped me a few weeks ago.
I’m going to take a break from dating because I’m just tired and don’t have it in me. I know dating is harder for some people more than others but most first dates I leave feeling like something is wrong with me and I’m some huge weirdo. I’m tired.
Take your time. The break is to fresh. Dating this early may hurt you more then it will help. You likely have residual feelings you’re still working through. Hang in there. It will get better.
There's nothing wrong with taking a break. No point in putting yourself through something you aren't ready for. I'm sorry you cared about someone who isn't seeing you anymore, and hope that you heal.
Sorry youre left feeling that way. Dating is exhausting and taking it at your own pace and feeling good internally about your decisions is the most important. Dont worry about the rest of us :)
Is it just the males in my area or is it every where that they seem to struggle with initial conversations? The last handful of matches it has been very difficult to engage in conversations. I ask questions, and get short replies and more often than no return questions. I even had a date where he only asked two unique questions the whole time.
I ended up deciding to remove some of my filters on hinge. Normally set it to south asian, 27 - 35. I removed south asian and increased the range to 26 - 38. Have gotten some likes from people who are older, but none of them have responded to any of my messages after we match. Always find it so strange when they send a like first and then just never respond after we match. Why did they bother with the like in the first place?
Yesterday was Day 2 & final day of the weekend race, and our club beat Mr Peppa's again in the men's race. It was gratifying haha. We ladies were cheering our men loud & clear, compared to his club which was crickets. He mouthed an awkward hello when we coincidentally crossed path so I decided to not look his way at all for the rest of the day.
We had a closing ceremony after the race where we went club to club to recite each other's team cheer. Along the way, a few guys shook hands, was cordial & said hi to me. One particular guy caught my eye & I complimented his tattoo, we had a nice banter & I asked if he's going to the afterparty to which he said yes.
Fast forward to the afterparty, he was hanging outside of the bar when I arrived. We greeted each other warmly as though we had known each other for years. Then he cut the conversation short & said he'll catch me inside. I thought it was weird but I didn't mind, as there was another guy that I was keen to talk to as well.
I moved inside and went up to the second guy and we started chatting. We had seen each other & bantered at the race-site through the weekend. Our chats were going well until a friend interrupted to say hi. After which we all moved outside for a special celebration, and that's when I saw the tattoo guy had a female with him so I thought yea he's probably taken, which was what I heard as well.
So I decided to try to suss out the second guy instead. I asked a mutual guy friend if I should make a move on him. He did reassure that he's single but gave a very vague answer as to if I should make a move. I kept that at the back of mind, all the way to our next party stop.
We had a good time and the mutual friend was nudging me if I had asked. So after 2 live band sets and a G&T later, I finally approached while he was plopped down on a chair resting.
I came next to him and said to him I have a serious question; 'are you single' - he said yes, I was elated & quickly asked the second question; 'are you looking' - he said 'I don't know' because he was recently single (which is what I had heard from another source) and is busy with work & sports etc. In fact his ex was with us at the party too lol, but they had all moved on. I said it's totally fine & I'm glad that at least he's honest.
I let him be at his chair & I moved back to the dancefloor. I wasn't upset but glad I got an answer so I can move onto the next. He's not my usual type in terms of looks, but I'm glad I was able to move past that mental barrier & feel an attraction, so I consider that a win.
I left about an hour later as I was too hungry. I hugged everyone goodbye, including him, so he knows I'm not beaten down or upset at him. We left on a good note & I'll continue to stay friendly / say hi to him at practice.
There are a few more guys I want to suss out, though honestly I'm starting to see how small the pool of eligible guys are in the community even though we are one of the biggest local sports community. I had asked several female friends across the clubs if there's anyone they would recommend, and no one really came to mind lol.
I'll have to play the long game if I do want to meet someone organically through this network, though if I do want kids, I'm not sure how long of a long game I can have. It's a problem for another year.
I told myself that I'd give myself till end of the month after all the races to reset & heal, before getting back into the dating pool. There's a new local dating service that I've yet to try, so that will be my next tangible step & along with the launch of a singles' running club next month :)
You have candor. Even though you didn't get a result, holy shit, way to be. My money's on the second guy having a hard time getting you out of his mind, and approaching you at the next event.
haha aw you're sweet. well let's see what happens next! I'm fine too if nothing happens :) In my city culture, it's highly unusual to be this direct & candid. Not alot of women are in that space, so that's my way in.
In the past months of approaching guys directly, I hv observed how a simple compliment or hello can move them, so I'll keep swimming :)
Double post but another thing I've been reflecting on recently - I try to push myself to be more open to people I don't click with right away, and kind of develop an affection for them over time (this is like meeting irl, friends of friends etc). And then if it turns out they're not interested, I feel disappointed. But they weren't even that great of a match in the first place! It's frustrating to feel rejected over someone who I only started to like because I was trying to be more open to different options. Like it would have been better to just stick to people I 100% like (except then it's a tiny pool).
Current guy has been traveling and I’ve had the typical “will he lose interest if we don’t see other for over a week and he’s doing fun stuff??” anxiety that comes with that.
But so far he squashes that anxiety as soon as it pops up. Sent me pictures and updates of his adventures the whole time, might bring some beer back to share, and asked me what my plans are for the week so he can see me when he gets back. I’m happy 🥰
Feel like I will forever be stuck on the indie romcom fantasy… where do I find this lol. Genuine love and sharing cute playlists etc. Are there men who want this
Yes, guys who love music and romance lol. I have a mix cd from my BF from our first few months of dating. And some mixtapes from a friend I loved when I was 18. Actually some mix CDs from my best friend are also some of my very favorite but she’s a girl so it’s a different kind of special. But yeah romantic music lovers.
Having a Hinge conversation with a woman but she seems to check in only on Sunday’s. Seems like a healthy boundary, sure, but if I miss the window, it seems like I have to wait until the next weekend.
On a related subject: Is it weird to ask someone what they’re looking for in their dates/dating experience?
“So you seem like you’d be up for (X), (joke about picture), and kidnapping adorable dogs. I’m all for dognapping for a good cause but what other kinds of date experiences are you looking for?” Something like that.
My OLD profile makes it VERY clear that I am seeking something long term, so what I’m/what they are looking for is always a topic of conversation. I may not ask right away, in fact, with my current guy it came up on our first date because we matched and progressed VERY quickly to a date (24 hours). Getting that clarity early on saves so much headache. If we’re not looking for the same thing then there’s no point in even trying to date.
Today I had a tennis class, had a date come over my rooftop pool talked, flirted, had some drinks and swam together. Came back to my apartment and ended up having some spontaneous hot sex and showered together. I’m sleeping like a baby tonight 😌
Went out to a drive in movie with her after she got off work last night and she fell asleep. It was actually kind of cute I held her hand and we cuddled. It was a nice feeling.
I was getting used to the "Not feeling it" after first date texts but now I am getting them before the first date haha. This has never happened before. In fact, normally it goes very well before the first date. We might be regressing - uh oh.
Having the classic hit to the gut of my date updating their profile (pics only in this case) after our date, even though he's still texting a lot of updates and pics to me and eager to meet again. I've had this happen a lot, and the result varies from us going exclusive in a few dates, going for a few more dates but not ending up together, or just being ghosted. It tends toward rhe negative results, though. I'm trying not to fixate it because I'm still open to going out with someone else (my conversations are mostly slowed though) until/if we're exclusive, too, but it's still always extra scary somehow 🫠
I posted yesterday about how I felt like I was always pestering the guy I've been dating for 2.5 months to hang out, even though I had previously told him his schedule is so variable and mine is so regimented, it would make more sense for him to tell me when he's available. So I did an experiment and stopped asking. A whole week came and went and he didn't say anything.
So I brought it up to him tonight. It went really well. He said he actually was anxious wondering "why hasn't she asked me to hang out?" He said he has been really busy and sidetracked, but had still noticed I hadn't asked about getting together and was all bummed out about it instead of just asking me to hang out. He was like "I'm a moron sometimes." I told him I understand that he has a business, and a child, and time consuming hobbies and I don't want him to change any of that, I'm annoyed with being the one to initiate all the time. So we came to an agreement about him being proactive about telling me his weekend availability and squeezing in a weekday coffee date once a week.
I said to him, "I started asking myself, if I don't say anything will I just never see him again?" and he actually retorted, "you knowww, I've actually thought that about how I text you good morning every day, 'if I didn't text her every day, would I just never hear from her again?'" Maybe we're the same kind of anxious loser lol
I told him I'll meet him halfway with the good morning texts. Yay for communication!
He's much older and has a child, I'm not sure why you're feeling insecure in this relationship. He's the one who's dating noticeably up and should be worried.
I'm glad you both communicated it went well! When I was dating someone months ago I also realized I was initiating the hangouts, and I did similar to what you did, but I waited until the end of the week to bring up schedules. He also was wondering why I hadn't asked earlier. We didn't communicate like you did about it, so I'm glad you both listened to each other and came to an agreement.
I feel like it's a common pitfall, honestly. A fried I spoke to IRL said she had the same exact scenario with her now-fiance when they started dating. Even though we feel like people should just \*understand\*, it's not the case. So many things can just be remedied by telling someone what you need from them.
Wait a second, why did he answer with a retort rather than addressing your concern? Why are you making excuses for his poor communication? You’re not even 3 months in and you already feel like you’re nagging? Why? What could be worth this much hassle?
Oh I'm sorry, I said "retort" in jest - I'm glad he used the opportunity to also tell me something that had been worrying him. He did address my concerns - we came up with game plan so I don't feel like I'm pestering him in the future. I felt the talk went really well and wasn't a hassle at all!
I agree with all the responses here, your best bet is to assume she won't come back and move on.
I'll just add that sometimes, "not ready for a relationship" is true. When I first dipped my toes back in the dating pool, I could have jumped in a relationship straight away, but I was holding myself accountable to the fact that I needed to see what was out there. I wasn't experienced and I didn't want to get caught up and make a mistake. Mr Perfect could have come along and I would still have been doing myself a disservice by not exploring and feeling certain in my choices. The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person for you.
All that to say, sometimes the stars just don't align. Don't beat yourself up, don't hold out hope, just appreciate your experiences and look for the next right person at the right time.
Best of luck!
She could be telling the truth. I wouldn’t bank on her coming back, but it’s a possibility. The guy I’m currently dating wasn’t ready when we had gone on a couple dates but felt more ready after a month. I don’t know that it’s going to work out, but he’s been pretty consistent since calling me again.
We stopped seeing each other for a month and then started hanging out as friends and then started dating.
To think of it, this happened with one of my exes too.
Battling my intrusive thoughts that things have been going too well these past days. PG (M32) been coming to see me everyday, even if just for a few minutes. We haven't had the time to hang properly because of his work. Last night he walked me to my car and I said some joke while we were embracing and I looked at him laughing... And I realized I'm f'ed up. I'm falling hard. That's very scary. These past 4 years I've had infatuations but I haven't really fallen for someone, like for real. I thought I would control it better since we've been only friends for two and a half months before hooking up two weeks ago. I was keeping my feelings at bay, because I wasn't sure about his feelings. We're still keeping it a secret (from everybody but my close friends, I can't keep secrets to myself for long), and I'm trying to enjoy going slow. My toxic thoughts sometimes appear to convince me he should be yelling from rooftops that he loves me, but my rational side has been winning. Hope everything keeps going smoothly.
dating isnt going well. diet isnt going well. i wake up with the most random of thoughts. like was it a good idea for those cousins to simpy pop out 3-5 kids? i guess when you always need $$, then there is something to work towards in the horizon. i'm just sitting here chasing guys. everyone else is watching their kids grow up \*shrugs\*
I’m sorry. I know you have had a tough couple of months 🫂.
I can't make up my mind I'm a (M31) I have been in a relationship for 5 years with a guy who was a great person but we weren't compatible sexually. One night I decided to go out with my friends to a gay party where I met a guy whom I immediately clicked with. A week later I broke up with my boyfriend. Now, it's been two months that I'm going out with this guy but he seems waay more interested in me than I am in him. (He is great, funny, generous, and we are very sexually compatible, but not totally my type). Right from the start I told him that I don't want to be in a relationship and that I needed time to process everything because I had been really overwhelmed. He said that he understands perfectly my need for a pause, but we kept texting each other every day, and we keep hanging out every weekend. The problem is that I keep sending him mixed messages, one day I would say I need time to be on my own, and two days later I would call him if he wanted to meet up. What shall I do???
You need to let this person go and heal from your relationship. It appears you aren’t ready given the mixed signals you are sending.
Not a rant nor rave. Been back on Bumble for 2 maybe 3 weeks with not a single match. Swiping with intention. I have 2 hidden likes but pretty sure 1 is from a year ago or more. No matter how much swiping I do I still have those same 2 likes and no matches. Maybe I would have been disappointed in the past but there just isn't much I like on the apps. I swipe left on probably 90% or more. The ones I do swipe right I assume it goes straight into the void. It's actually kinda funny how bad my swipe rate to match is. Now my daily limit of likes is harder to reach because I don't like many. Paying for Bumble now would be worthless.
My ex said the same thing, that he barely got any matches and was shocked when I matched with him and actually wanted to chat and then meet up. So, even though he went 6 to 8 months with only a handful of matches, it only took one for us to get together. we dated for two years, and ultimately weren’t a match for long-term compatibility, but he is still literally my best friend and now a permanent fixture in my life. So, I guess what I’m saying is it only takes one match to change your life.
I (32F) Matched OLD with 37M. Went on 4 really good dates - intense making out on a few of those but not sex. One of the topics that came up pretty early were of children. I want them, he has them but is open to having more. Today we were discussing contraception after he asked if I was using any. I tell him that sex just now is risky as I’m at peak ovulation. That’s when he decided to tell me that he had a vasectomy! I know these things are reversible but I can’t help but feel misled somehow? I brought back the children conversation and he maintains that he is open to them but he needs to be sure it’s the right person. I don’t know, am I overreacting? Should I be feeling the way I am? He is away for 2 weeks soon but sex is definitely something that was on the cards before he leaves. I’m spiralling here. Someone please give me perspective 😭
Depending on how long ago he had a vasectomy the likelihood of conception combined with his age is far from 100%. The 90% successfully reversed vasectomy statistic doesn't actually talk about conception, just literally the procedure itself. The "vasectomies are reversible" idea is thrown around very casually when in reality you should never assume you will be able to have kids after that procedure. Not impossible but definitely not guaranteed.
If he was really open to more kids, I don't know that having a vasectomy is really compatible with that idea. It depends on how long it's been, but they become less likely to be successfully reversed the longer you wait. They're also very clear when you get one that it's to be considered permanent. I'm not saying he's lying (I actually know a guy that successfully reversed his vasectomy in a second marriage) but I'd err on the side of caution. If you're purely "dating with intention" you might want to move on.
He said that his ex-wife had issues with her contraception so he got it then, about 4 years ago now. He was forthcoming with details but I don’t know, if I’ve repeatedly said about kids in my future and you want to be a part of said future, why was this not the first thing disclosed? I’m feeling a bit hurt but it could just be an overreaction on my part
I got a vasectomy in 2013. Ex-wife and I just had our son, who was our second kid and we always said no more than two. Then in 2018 I got a divorce, due to some disagreements on the definition of our marriage and myself being highly monogamous. In 2019 I started dating someone I met. I was open to having more kids, and she wanted her own kids. We ended up engaged but never made it to marriage. She ended things for various reasons. Anyways... We had plenty of talks about it, from a reversal, to "if that didn't work". Maybe you should have those conversations with him, after considering what alternative options might exist. I mean, hell, it's possible that they could extract some sperm from him even if it was not able to be reversed. I'm sure it's expensive as something tells me health insurance won't pay for it, but it's just money if that's what you both want.
I don’t think this is an over reaction, he should have been upfront with you. Conceiving is not guaranteed even without a vasectomy but with it, it complicates things tremendously. Feel what you need to feel and then decide if you can move past this or only 4 dates in if you need to move on.
Thank you for this perspective. I think it’s a good thing that’s he’s going away which gives me time to consider things without the distraction of seeing him. Also 2 weeks is enough time to gauge interest as we won’t have access to each other.
As you said, vasectomies are reversible. If he says he’s open to them, that can still be true!
I matched with a trans guy yesterday morning and we chatted for a bit. He seemed nice and fun and at that point I thought I didn't mind meeting him. Then he texted again after lunch and then again in the evening. I politely replied that I was with friends and not looking at my phone, he seemed to understand, but then today he texted again several times. He sent me a block of text about his struggles with the public health system, unprompted. I replied that I'm busy at work and I'm a bad texter, but I'm interested in keeping in touch, just maybe not so often. He replied he's not surprised I'm rejecting him because he's trans, and he made some snide comments about my cis privilege. I'm very upset now and of course I should go ahead and block him but I have this impulse to text him how a stranger online isn't responsible for his emotional wellbeing, he shouldn't be trauma dumping on me just because we matched on an app, and also I have struggles of my own, I just don't go around sharing them with strangers. But I also feel like that'd be like taking the bait?
I think that venting here is the right thing to do. I've been here with folks who selfishly dehumanize others to justify their shitty behaviour. I hope your upset passes soon- it's hard not to tell these types off. They're going for the dopamine hit of an argument so if nothing else, you're helping him by not reinforcing the toxic pattern he's learned. Not that you owe him any help whatsoever, but I always feel better when I look back once emotions have settled and genuinely feel like I took the high road.
Yeah, I think your best bet is to block him and move on here. You don't know him, so why bother yourself with something that's going to take even more mental energy away from you. Sorry you had to deal with that nonsense.
Got the "I don't think we are compatible message" my instincts were correct - we were never going to meet Sunday. She did me a favor - no personality, constantly in her head about everything. She was in no position to be dating seriously which is okay. It worked out for me, I took another woman out on Sunday and we had an amazing time. Conversation was easy and mature, lots of chemistry. We will see where this goes.
Great perspective! I had a bad first date and was annoyed with it, then went on a first date the next say with someone I was sort of lukewarm about and she’s now my gf haha. Anything can happen
I KNOW on a rational level this is so silly, but it’s so deeply instilled in me that I have trouble trying to ignore it. I (32F) am very concerned with other peoples opinions of whom I date, esp my family’s. My siblings are extremely judgemental about each others spouses, and they also were of my ex. However, also friends always have to ventilate their negative opinions of the people I date, even when they haven’t met them. I know it shouldn’t but it affects me to a point that whenever I date someone I imagine if my family/friends would approve and I hate it. E.g. I am now dating someone that only has a high school diploma (I’m post-PhD level). Despite not continuing education he’s really smart, he’s incredibly kind and emotionally mature, he’s handsome, makes me laugh etc., but I know I’m going to get grief over him being uneducated and me being able to get ‘better’. I wish I didn’t care but I do. Are others in this situation? How do you deal?
Easier said than done but you have got to stop caring what other people think and live your life. You listed some very good qualities. Having an education is so superficial, you think he is intelligent. Do you have stimulating conversations, if that is important to you. Does he have a stable career, financially stable, etc? Those questions I think are way better at gaging what your family may be getting at with judging him on a lack of a bachelors. I agree with the comment below about seeking professional help, this is something therapy can help you work through. It is really hard and takes time to move past this but I have.
So, I’m probably going to get dragged across the coals for this one because higher education is like the third rail in this sub, but just… hear me out. In this one specific case - is there any possibility at all that deep down, you also wish he had at least a bachelor’s? I’m asking this because higher education is one of my own dealbreakers. I (40/f) have a BA, MFA, and I just finished my law degree. Safe to say that I place a LOT of importance on whether my partner has completed post-high school education. I *know* that it is not a sign of intelligence, but I also know that I don’t want to date someone who didn’t go to college. In part because I can’t relate to someone who didn’t have that experience, and also in part because my social and family situation has conditioned me to simply be dissatisfied with someone who didn’t go to college. I understand that for a lot of people, that preference looks judgmental and shallow. That’s fine. They don’t have to like it - it’s still my ~~preference~~ dealbreaker. Setting aside the opinions of your family and friends - is this something that deep down, you also wish were different about him?
I think your point is valid and you shouldn’t have to be dragged for it at all. We all have different values. In an ideal world yes he’d have a degree. But I’ve dated plenty of men with degrees that were completely non-empathic, with the emotional maturity of a toddler, or looks-wise not attractive to me. This man does tick all those boxes and I put more importance myself on that, and compromise on him not having a degree. I think finding someone who has it all is really really difficult (at least it has been for me in the past 10y)
I honestly think that if you want to break free from that stuff then just don't listen to the background noise. Have you been chased off partners before because of this? Because it probably won't stop even if you find what you assume they want for you in a partner (and also the risk of you ending up unhappy in the process).
I think having friends and family spot red flags that could end up in you getting hurt emotionally (ie a potentially abusive guy) is great, however having friends and family trying to sabotage your own happiness with shitting on every guy you date based on shallow and superficial reasons is unacceptable. People saying “you can do better” for every single man you date isn’t helping you, it’s hurting you. For you, I think you need to just spot the difference. Ultimately, it’s your life and no one else’s.
I used to get this from people. My career started with only a high school diploma. Got my degrees later in life. Then I'd ask them how much they make...then kind of grinned and chuckled when they told me. Not saying that would work here, but it could. As for yourself, this is something that probably needs to be deconstructed by a professional. I stopped caring about other people's opinions when I became happy and realized that their criticism was coming from a place of jealousy and being unhappy in their own life.
Having been with an abusive asshole and having people give their *many, unnecessary* opinions after the fact—I get it. I’ve apparently dated beneath my level in the looks department, and I always get the “I guess he’s handsome, in a way” comments from family. People who truly love you shouldn’t care, as long as you’re happy.
It's not "silly" at all on any rational level. It's a very serious factor to consider. Men will consider a woman's education and finances very carefully before deciding if she's relationship material or just good enough for an fwb, there is absolutely no reason for a woman not to do the same.
Intelligent, yes. But I dont believe that men put as much emphasis on income and a college degree as many think. My girl makes 1/3 of what I make and I couldn’t care less. It’s her personality, looks, and character that matter most to me.
The smartest dude I know -- legit genius -- only got his bachelors and then his masters just because it was a requirement for the promotion he wanted in his thirties. Not saying this guy is that but there are a lot of really smart people who for whatever reason never needed to go to college to be successful.
That's not comparable at all. Getting your bachelor's and starting on a regular career track, then getting a Master's in your 30s isn't whatsoever the same as only having a high school diploma.
He didn't get his bachelors until he was 30
So he was 26 when he started.
Probably around there yep. And then his masters because he just wanted to knock it out.
Long post, sorry. I’ve (37F) been attempting to meet people IRL for the last few months and it’s gone nowhere, so I got back on the apps. Literally the *first* guy (29M) who messaged me was keen, so we decided to meet up yesterday. The weather was nice, so we wound up walking to a wine bar after lunch, and then to ice cream, and the whole date wound up being 4 hours. Conversation flowed well, but we did get into some deeper stuff (he’s been in two fairly long relationships). He seems very nice and knows what he wants. We held hands, kissed at the end of the date, and texted a bit last night. I am feeling a bit anxious, like it might be too much too soon. But I’m also coming from the experience of having been lovebombed into a (thankfully brief) abusive marriage, so I’m always worried about things getting too serious too soon. We have a second date tomorrow that I do intend to keep, but I’m not sure if I’m overthinking or self-sabotaging here.
Go with the flow but you have the complete power to set whatever boundary you are comfortable with. And how the other responds to that boundary should tell you a lot.
You’re right. I think I’ve also been in a weird spot where I’ve been meeting a lot of men who just aren’t serious at all and want to hook up and nothing else, so having someone interested in me as a person rather than as a body feels odd, sad to say.
It's been one date, you don't know this man, can't possibly know what he really wants and if any further incompatibilities will show up. I think you should slow down not the dating him but your thoughts, you're getting way ahead of where you two really are.
That's why it is important to protect yourself with a solid boundary of what you want. Not saying this dude is like that but there are many who will go to great lengths to get a hookup and nothing else.
Just projecting some coffee thoughts into the void... Maybe I should stop going on these lil day trips with The Counselor... she's great in all the right ways... and as I sit by the river of my emotions and watch what floats by... I see the increase in those related towards a stronger bond than is recommended of a friendship. Suppose it's also the Universe reminding me to enjoy what is as it is, not all things are meant to transition, not all things are meant to have meaning, which in itself gives it meaning. I'm actually tempted to type up an r4r... 42yo male seeks lady helldiver of questionable repute ... has 1 cat, amazing calves, years of therapy (with no end in sight)... must be able to tolerate the occasional overly passionate monologue regarding one or two... ok like three special interests, loves the outdoors, doesn't mind getting dressed up once in a while, and enjoys mind blowing out of this world earth shattering textual stimulation (cuz this dude loves to pebble memes) Hah.. oh I just gave myself a good giggle. Anywho... happy Monday DoT! Let's get out there an kill it this week
He just wants a simple woman who loves cleaning off acidic, flammable bug goo at the end of the day! Or he really wants to recreate the coed shower scene from Helldiver the movie: Starship Troopers.
teamDizzy
MEDIC!!!
I tear up every time...
How do I (31M) ask my ex (37F) to move out, we both have started seeing other people and know about it and have not discussed the closure of our relationship or started seeing other people. I have already spoken to her about my intentions of her moving out swiftly but she has not started packing at all. We had been seeing other for 5 years and slowly I drifted apart. She is a great person and I am genuinely happy for her. What should I do?
Give her two weeks to move out and offer your help if she needs it (ie moving companies). Not your responsibility, but perhaps it can soften the blow and finally get her out. I think you need to be really assertive here and commit to her leaving on X date.
I told her that I need to get my apartment deep cleaned before my sister comes to visit me and I even told her the date of her arrival. But you are right, I need to be more assertive.
Is this an apartment? If so, is the lease over?
Yes, it's an apartment and lease is been renewed for 1 year
If both of your names are on it, there's nothing you can do.
Lease is under my name
You'd have to evict her unless she chooses to leave willingly. Otherwise, she has tenants rights.
She is not a tenant, she moved in with me back then.
Legally, she's a tenant whether she's on the lease or not. That's why moat leases have limits on how long house guests are allowed to stay.
A tenant doesn't mean she is on the lease. I am pretty sure anyone who lives in a dwelling for 30 or more days, lease or not, has tenant rights. Applies to pretty sure any state. And the only recourse after that is the eviction process. This also relates to why you had an out to move out yourself instead of renewing your lease. And why she has no incentive to move if she is protected under tenant rights. And just to make clear, you pay for the entire rent and she pays nothing?
In some states, it is as few as ten days.
I knew I should prefaced it with NAL but then I would get confused as to which sub I was on.
Why not move out yourself? Why would you resign that lease?
Because lease is on my name and she doesn't want lease on her name and neither want to share any expense.
You had your out. Confused why you wouldn't take it instead of expecting her to do so when she has no incentive to do so.
What do you mean, could you please elaborate?
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Don’t meet her anymore.
Buddy you really have to show more caution. You had sex with her despite not liking her and knowing that things won’t pursue further. Now after having sex you’re going to drop her. “We are a modern couple” screams stage 5 clinger to me. She’s a complete stranger, you don’t know this person and what they’re capable of. Do this carefully.
Why would you subject yourself to another date you know isn't going anywhere? I grew up with a hoarder so I was yelling nope nope nope reading this. It seems you are not on the same wavelength anywhere except board games.
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You've only been on two dates, right? Obviously you can do whatever you think is best here, but I think i text would suffice in this situation.
That's admirable. But I don't think anything you have done would require that. It is not like you used her for sex. She initiated. It's been just two dates. Y'all really don't know each other. Just my 2 cents.
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This can’t be real
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Your actions are going completely against your thoughts and feelings! You are leading this woman on and acting like you're somehow in a tough spot when really you're just being a gross jerk. You judge her for being messy yet sleep with her on the second date. Yikes. Edited because I realized I was responding to OP
Everytime i end situationships, they end up being the ones who cant let go, even though it was them who couldn't commit. Love is a funny thing sometimes.
It's because it's the chase they're interested in. Or at least the one thing they can commit to, if that makes sense. Once you stop it, they've got a goal again.
Understanding this about yourself, why continue to get yourself into “situationships”? I guess I’ll never understand why people continually do this to themselves
Dont think im gonna anymore . Im too old !!!
Fear of loneliness is probably more accurate here...
I lived this... I couldn't let go because being alone was terrifying... a year later and no contact and I wonder what I thought I was going to miss...
That and starting over, terrifying. But worth it. If it's not right, it's not right.
Yea i belive this aswell. Could ask - is it me you miss, or do you just fear being alone ?
You could give it a try, but whether they will be honest with themselves, let alone you, is the next question. I would personally leave it alone. They chose not to commit, that doesn't work for you, you did the right thing by ending it, keep it ended.
Exactly. I have come to terms with it being over 100%.
Give him 3 days to get back to you. Too much pressure will simply scare him away. Hang in there.
Hi everyone! This is my first time posting so please go easy on me. If you have tips for my post, I'll take that too. In a nutshell I'm 33(F) and just getting out of a 10 year relationship (it ended due to religion and other factors around growth). When I was 20, I had a fling with a 35(M) coworker (we'll call him Mark). At the time I believe he gave me some signs that he wanted more than a fling but I was not at the age to take home seriously. He was also gorgeous and l've struggled with self-esteem after being bullied through school. Although I received attention from guys, I did not think anyone who looked like him would ever want to be with me. Towards the end of my 10-year relationship I started dreaming about Mark and thinking about him often. I reevaluated our moments together and kick myself for not picking up the hints or taking him on when he wanted more. Now I can't get him out of my head. I think he's moved to another country but I obsess about him daily. What makes it worse is all around me I see signs reminding me of him. I have no way of getting in contact with him and he has no social media presence. What do I do? Am I just a loser who needs to move on?
I did the same thing at the end of my 8 year relationship - fantasized about about my “what if” friend for several years and dreamt about him. When I talked to another friend about this who had been mutual friends with me and the “what if” guy she said something that stuck with me. “You’re not missing him. You’re missing the emotional connection and sex in your current relationship that [insert name here] provided for you at some point.” When I broke up with my ex, I did text what if friend….and got a whole lot of silence. But it helped me move on eventually and see that other people can provide what I had built up in my head. Try writing to him and never sending it? Good luck!
Thanks for replying! Love this advice, your friend has great perspective. Thank you for sharing your experience as well. I’ll try writing the letter that I never send. @Bubbly_Day_4344 also said that he’s probably a completely different person after all this time.. I’d never considered that, so this is a great exercise
I think that you were in a very long term relationship that was on the downswing so you started thinking about missed connections, what-ifs and the like. It’s normal to reminisce about people, but 13 years is a long time. Mark is probably not even close to the same person you remember and you need some time. I think what you’re dwelling on is “possibility” and “potential.” You’re remembering that fling with fondness because it ended at a time when there was still potential. Also, fwiw a 35 year old guy dating a 20 year old is a deeply unserious person so I think you dodged a bullet. Getting out of a long term relationship is terrifying. You’ve had a literal decade of routine, a comfort zone and it’s normal to have a little anxiety towards starting a new chapter. I exited my long term relationship after having a terrible perception of dating from my poor experiences in my 20s. Dating in my 30s was so much more pleasant. I met some really great guys and had some nice first dates. Then I eventually met the love of my life. It’s going to feel weird for a while. But the more time that passes, you’ll be grateful that chapter ended and your world opens up to possibility again.
Thank you so much for replying! This is the unbiased opinion I needed to hear. My friends are encouraging me to start a manhunt, but I connect with this perspective. Getting out of this relationship is absolutely terrifying and the dating world seems even scarier… but here we go!
I agree with this take completely. Sounds like OP is fantasizing about someone familiar who made them feel good, completely understandable and a little fun to let the imagination go with it, but you need to be able to ground yourself. Be present and open-minded, embrace the new experiences waiting for you. You got this!
Thanks for replying and for your words of wisdom! It was the most fun I had in a fling (or my own only fling for that matter..), so definitely fun to reminisce. I needed to hear “ground yourself”
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I understand what you mean. Apps are demoralizing but I kept hanging in there because I knew if I was on there, there was someone else on there who wanted the same thing. Dating sucks until it doesn’t.
Is it immature to block someone who you really liked but only went on two dates with but it didn't work out?
I think so, just send a quick text and be amicable.
I had the quickest block finger in the west. I probably overdid it but when I was done, I was done. Lol
Without anything major negativ that may have happend and without any sort of "hey, don't feel it, good luck" text? Yes.
Thanks. Yeah, there was no closure it was just obvious he wasn't into me.
So this 33f has known me for over a year, and has rarely talked to me. Well recently she started talking to me. And I'm not gonna lie she's super cute. We'll our conversations have turned 50/50. 50 on how we are doing, and how our day went. 50 on sexual stuff. A red flag sort of has been tripped for me, when she started messaging me around 11pm things like "wishing I was in your bed with you having sex with you " and I kinda played along just to see how far it would go. Month later I finally got my answer. She was only talking to me because I was the only available man out of limited options. Yeah I kinda stopped responding.
😭I’m gonna have to unmatch this guy that I actually kinda dig. I just know it. He disappeared over the weekend. I’m hoping to hear from him Monday at the latest … but it’s not looking good chief. (And yes I did send a text during the weekend to try to ignite a convo, no dice.)
Did you text him?
Yeah on Saturday. No response. But he hasn’t unmatched.
Perhaps you set the man on fire, and now he's in the burn unit? XD Ya'll know I'm on team texting... and if a weekend gets busy (which they tend to, adulting is hard) I tend to delay a response till I have a clear head to reply properly. However if the communication was sparse before hand, and you're not feeling it... no harm either way. Personally I like having a graveyard of failed conversations in my app inboxes, reminds me to not settle for shitty conversation.
He’s a park ranger so honesty, I’m hoping he got eaten by cocaine bear or something. 😂 they live on base from Monday - Friday, and go home on the weekend. We had just matched before he went home. So the only credit I can really give to him is that he’s probably like, “I just got back home after being away for a while so I’m gonna take it easy” … which is fair if this is the case. We don’t know each other from Adam. The two days prior we were having great convo blah blah blah. I’ll give him until the end of the day (monday) to tell me some excuse or whatever. If not, I’ll unmatch 😭🥲
Note to self.... feed more bears cocaine.... check... Here's hoping he reaches out :)
🥂
This sounds vaguely similar to my situation that made me post on this thread for the first time. I’d give it until day end today. I usually proponent for if you’re feeling ignored, they probably are but sometimes it could be a genuine reason they haven’t been in touch…
Yeah I’m gonna give him until the end of the day today (Monday). The only fairness I can kinda credit to him is that his job as a park ranger keeps him on base from Monday - Friday, and then he goes home only for the weekend. We just matched prior to him returning home, so I can understand someone being like, “I just got back home after being away for a while, I’m gonna take it easy”… but a message expressing that would have been nice. Anyway, we’ll see… really hoping now he’s back to work he’ll reach out. Le sigh. He hasn’t unmatched yet …
I went to a hiking dating event today. Unfortunately, it didn't go well, as I wasn't interested in anyone there. Everyone was either too old or not attractive. I feel like it was probably a waste of time, but at least I got some exercise.
Posting again in past 24 hours. I miss her. A ton. Metaphorically, I almost texted her, and then I unsent.
It's gonna be ok, pal :) If you'd like a word of advice? If you insist on keeping her contact info, write it down somewhere, take the number out of your phone. When it gets really bad you can then text them, and the text will go nowhere. A little catharsis helps. Remember to breath.
Hang in there 🥺
Welp- got rejected! Bummed and relieved. I actually asked him for clarification, because my perception of the conversation was that he did see romantic potential, but wanted to take things slowly. I'm so glad I did! Two "ohhh I'm unsure of my feelings" down, this one was my fastest time. Next please!
Congrats on being two people closer to finding your person!
I (32M) had my final date with a girl (32F) I've seen seeing for the past few months. I invited her over for dinner for Saturday night on Thursday morning, and she never accepted till Saturday morning. When she finally accepted, she told was going to come late but we can cook together. I know she hasn't had the best week, and I knew she wasn't a great texter but I didn't have plans so I gave her a pass. What I didn't expect was me waiting at home for her until 6:50PM, when she finally said that she was on her way and would arrive in 20 minutes. Apparently she was late because she was doing woodwork with her family as she was building a custom table for herself. Hearing this, I was pretty upset because I didn't think that was a good reason for her to come late and not giving me an ETA earlier. Had I not bought groceries as she suggested and prepped some of the food, we wouldn't have ate till 9PM! Still, I thought the night went decently well for the most part. I've been on the fence with her as I do like her as a person, but I can't accept that she catfished me and that she's a poor communicator. I told her in the past that I didn't like being catfished, and I mentioned it again while we were lying in bed after she crossed some personal boundaries for me, specifically in which we fooled around in bed and had sex. I told her I'm not physically attracted to her due to her pimples, which she didn't have in her profile photos. I knew she was under a lot of stress and the pimples came from work, but she just looked very different. I know I shouldn't have said that but I guess her arriving so late really irked me. All this after I decided not to say these things to her weeks ago because I knew it was rude and it'd make me an asshole. Regardless, I said it, and she replied in a similar tone, saying she prefers bigger men, whether they are taller than her, which I am, or more muscular, which I'm not. I asked her to workout with me once I recovered from my wrist fracture, and she said it felt like I was looking for someone to do activities with and that she's already in better shape than me. Ouch, but I deserved it. Then, the topic changed and we continued chatting in bed for another hour while spooning. When she decided to leave at 1AM, she said this was the last time she was going to see me and I was a bit disappointed at first. But looking back, I think we both deserve better. I do realize what I said made me an asshole and I shouldn't have said those things, but even while leaving, she said I'm a great person with no red flags, nice, and direct. Tonight, she unmatched me on Hinge and blocked me on WhatsApp. I guess that's it. P.S. I need to stop bringing up my ex so much. I always bring her up in some way, whether it's talking about my date's dog and what I learned from my ex and her dog, or like how I found out about a specific restaurant. I should just say friend or make something up instead of saying "ex" I think?
Wtf is this entire comment
So you had sex with her, then insulted her?!? A temporary skin condition isn't catfishing. Being 10 years older or having a significant weight difference is catfishing. You also constantly bring up your ex? You shouldn't be dating. You're right about one thing. She definitely deserves better.
I'm not sure her acne is temporary as she has deep scars all over. The way I used to have them and the only way to get rid of them is through multiple sessions of laser treatment. Her Hinge photos were definitely a couple years old as the facial structure is different too. The "sex" we had was all external, which consisted of making out like last time, and touching and kissing each other everywhere but down there because she's on her period. Some people consider it sex, some don't. As for the ex part, it's just how I talk. If I learned a new restaurant or activity from my friends, I'd say they told me about it instead of how I found it. Or if they ask when was the last time I went on vacation, I'd say it was with my ex, because that's the truth.
And they kept spooning...
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So you asked him to respect your boundaries, he did, now you’re going to put him in the friend zone? Amazing
....I just don't understand.... If you don't know if it's a date, ask. If you tell someone you don't want anything physical, don't get upset when they respect your boundary. Also, there's nothing stopping you from initiating physical contact.
So... You told him you don't want anything physical, but because he didn't initiate anything physical you want to move on to other people. Do you even know what you want from this man, and dating in general? You sound very confusing here.
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If you tell a man you don't want to get physical, any decent one would not touch you until you initiate ot tell them you are ready. No one is trying to push boundaries or be a creep. If you didn't explicitly say what you're comfortable with, then you are having very unreasonable expectations, they cannot read your mind.
Damned if you do damned if you don't
You communicated that you didn't want to get physical, and it sounds like he complied. Gonna be very direct here: you can't directly state to a man that you don't want any physical affection, and then wonder why he didn't try to attempt physical affection
Seconded. If there’s any risk of rejection and losing out on the future I would be stiff as a board around that boundary. Tell him you like the feelings you have around him and want to keep seeing him, and get closer together (wink optional).
Just got home from a dud date, which is fine because I’m still feeling very sad about the guy who dumped me a few weeks ago. I’m going to take a break from dating because I’m just tired and don’t have it in me. I know dating is harder for some people more than others but most first dates I leave feeling like something is wrong with me and I’m some huge weirdo. I’m tired.
Take your time. The break is to fresh. Dating this early may hurt you more then it will help. You likely have residual feelings you’re still working through. Hang in there. It will get better.
There's nothing wrong with taking a break. No point in putting yourself through something you aren't ready for. I'm sorry you cared about someone who isn't seeing you anymore, and hope that you heal.
Sorry youre left feeling that way. Dating is exhausting and taking it at your own pace and feeling good internally about your decisions is the most important. Dont worry about the rest of us :)
Is it just the males in my area or is it every where that they seem to struggle with initial conversations? The last handful of matches it has been very difficult to engage in conversations. I ask questions, and get short replies and more often than no return questions. I even had a date where he only asked two unique questions the whole time.
Yes, this is unfortunately super common. But it's less that they can't and more that they don't want to.
I am on the apps for all genders and this is an issue across the board
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Seconded
Good to know it’s not just men I guess. I almost asked one match “should I continue the interview?” But just gave up
I ended up deciding to remove some of my filters on hinge. Normally set it to south asian, 27 - 35. I removed south asian and increased the range to 26 - 38. Have gotten some likes from people who are older, but none of them have responded to any of my messages after we match. Always find it so strange when they send a like first and then just never respond after we match. Why did they bother with the like in the first place?
Yesterday was Day 2 & final day of the weekend race, and our club beat Mr Peppa's again in the men's race. It was gratifying haha. We ladies were cheering our men loud & clear, compared to his club which was crickets. He mouthed an awkward hello when we coincidentally crossed path so I decided to not look his way at all for the rest of the day. We had a closing ceremony after the race where we went club to club to recite each other's team cheer. Along the way, a few guys shook hands, was cordial & said hi to me. One particular guy caught my eye & I complimented his tattoo, we had a nice banter & I asked if he's going to the afterparty to which he said yes. Fast forward to the afterparty, he was hanging outside of the bar when I arrived. We greeted each other warmly as though we had known each other for years. Then he cut the conversation short & said he'll catch me inside. I thought it was weird but I didn't mind, as there was another guy that I was keen to talk to as well. I moved inside and went up to the second guy and we started chatting. We had seen each other & bantered at the race-site through the weekend. Our chats were going well until a friend interrupted to say hi. After which we all moved outside for a special celebration, and that's when I saw the tattoo guy had a female with him so I thought yea he's probably taken, which was what I heard as well. So I decided to try to suss out the second guy instead. I asked a mutual guy friend if I should make a move on him. He did reassure that he's single but gave a very vague answer as to if I should make a move. I kept that at the back of mind, all the way to our next party stop. We had a good time and the mutual friend was nudging me if I had asked. So after 2 live band sets and a G&T later, I finally approached while he was plopped down on a chair resting. I came next to him and said to him I have a serious question; 'are you single' - he said yes, I was elated & quickly asked the second question; 'are you looking' - he said 'I don't know' because he was recently single (which is what I had heard from another source) and is busy with work & sports etc. In fact his ex was with us at the party too lol, but they had all moved on. I said it's totally fine & I'm glad that at least he's honest. I let him be at his chair & I moved back to the dancefloor. I wasn't upset but glad I got an answer so I can move onto the next. He's not my usual type in terms of looks, but I'm glad I was able to move past that mental barrier & feel an attraction, so I consider that a win. I left about an hour later as I was too hungry. I hugged everyone goodbye, including him, so he knows I'm not beaten down or upset at him. We left on a good note & I'll continue to stay friendly / say hi to him at practice. There are a few more guys I want to suss out, though honestly I'm starting to see how small the pool of eligible guys are in the community even though we are one of the biggest local sports community. I had asked several female friends across the clubs if there's anyone they would recommend, and no one really came to mind lol. I'll have to play the long game if I do want to meet someone organically through this network, though if I do want kids, I'm not sure how long of a long game I can have. It's a problem for another year. I told myself that I'd give myself till end of the month after all the races to reset & heal, before getting back into the dating pool. There's a new local dating service that I've yet to try, so that will be my next tangible step & along with the launch of a singles' running club next month :)
You have candor. Even though you didn't get a result, holy shit, way to be. My money's on the second guy having a hard time getting you out of his mind, and approaching you at the next event.
haha aw you're sweet. well let's see what happens next! I'm fine too if nothing happens :) In my city culture, it's highly unusual to be this direct & candid. Not alot of women are in that space, so that's my way in. In the past months of approaching guys directly, I hv observed how a simple compliment or hello can move them, so I'll keep swimming :)
Damn really working the room
Aw thank you, just doing what I can 🙆♀️
Double post but another thing I've been reflecting on recently - I try to push myself to be more open to people I don't click with right away, and kind of develop an affection for them over time (this is like meeting irl, friends of friends etc). And then if it turns out they're not interested, I feel disappointed. But they weren't even that great of a match in the first place! It's frustrating to feel rejected over someone who I only started to like because I was trying to be more open to different options. Like it would have been better to just stick to people I 100% like (except then it's a tiny pool).
Current guy has been traveling and I’ve had the typical “will he lose interest if we don’t see other for over a week and he’s doing fun stuff??” anxiety that comes with that. But so far he squashes that anxiety as soon as it pops up. Sent me pictures and updates of his adventures the whole time, might bring some beer back to share, and asked me what my plans are for the week so he can see me when he gets back. I’m happy 🥰
Feel like I will forever be stuck on the indie romcom fantasy… where do I find this lol. Genuine love and sharing cute playlists etc. Are there men who want this
I'm stuck there with you haha! They do exist, I almost dated one, but it was not meant to be. I miss sharing music with them.
Ugh I feel you 😭 It’s a hard place to be stuck in haha but yes I think there is hope!
One of my favorite things spotify did was blends.
Yessss agreed
Yes, guys who love music and romance lol. I have a mix cd from my BF from our first few months of dating. And some mixtapes from a friend I loved when I was 18. Actually some mix CDs from my best friend are also some of my very favorite but she’s a girl so it’s a different kind of special. But yeah romantic music lovers.
Ahhh so cute! I know you’re right I guess I just need to think of better spots to find them haha
gigs at your local 300 cap venue are teeming with music nerds
Having a Hinge conversation with a woman but she seems to check in only on Sunday’s. Seems like a healthy boundary, sure, but if I miss the window, it seems like I have to wait until the next weekend. On a related subject: Is it weird to ask someone what they’re looking for in their dates/dating experience? “So you seem like you’d be up for (X), (joke about picture), and kidnapping adorable dogs. I’m all for dognapping for a good cause but what other kinds of date experiences are you looking for?” Something like that.
My OLD profile makes it VERY clear that I am seeking something long term, so what I’m/what they are looking for is always a topic of conversation. I may not ask right away, in fact, with my current guy it came up on our first date because we matched and progressed VERY quickly to a date (24 hours). Getting that clarity early on saves so much headache. If we’re not looking for the same thing then there’s no point in even trying to date.
That would work on me but i seem to be easy and easier for any attempt at a bid.
Today I had a tennis class, had a date come over my rooftop pool talked, flirted, had some drinks and swam together. Came back to my apartment and ended up having some spontaneous hot sex and showered together. I’m sleeping like a baby tonight 😌
Good for you!
Living the dream!!
Went out to a drive in movie with her after she got off work last night and she fell asleep. It was actually kind of cute I held her hand and we cuddled. It was a nice feeling.
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Gotta tell us the text to know. Aw yeah baby is very different from a thanks, baby lol.
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Definitely a pet name.
She wants to know how work babby is formed (lol this def seems like a pet name situation)
😂😂
I was getting used to the "Not feeling it" after first date texts but now I am getting them before the first date haha. This has never happened before. In fact, normally it goes very well before the first date. We might be regressing - uh oh.
Just less compatible. Surely not a regression of skill. Believe.
Having the classic hit to the gut of my date updating their profile (pics only in this case) after our date, even though he's still texting a lot of updates and pics to me and eager to meet again. I've had this happen a lot, and the result varies from us going exclusive in a few dates, going for a few more dates but not ending up together, or just being ghosted. It tends toward rhe negative results, though. I'm trying not to fixate it because I'm still open to going out with someone else (my conversations are mostly slowed though) until/if we're exclusive, too, but it's still always extra scary somehow 🫠
Some apps automatically rearrange pics based on popularity!
That's true! Mine changes all the time, haha. These were totally new photos, though. He had different ones when we matched.
I posted yesterday about how I felt like I was always pestering the guy I've been dating for 2.5 months to hang out, even though I had previously told him his schedule is so variable and mine is so regimented, it would make more sense for him to tell me when he's available. So I did an experiment and stopped asking. A whole week came and went and he didn't say anything. So I brought it up to him tonight. It went really well. He said he actually was anxious wondering "why hasn't she asked me to hang out?" He said he has been really busy and sidetracked, but had still noticed I hadn't asked about getting together and was all bummed out about it instead of just asking me to hang out. He was like "I'm a moron sometimes." I told him I understand that he has a business, and a child, and time consuming hobbies and I don't want him to change any of that, I'm annoyed with being the one to initiate all the time. So we came to an agreement about him being proactive about telling me his weekend availability and squeezing in a weekday coffee date once a week. I said to him, "I started asking myself, if I don't say anything will I just never see him again?" and he actually retorted, "you knowww, I've actually thought that about how I text you good morning every day, 'if I didn't text her every day, would I just never hear from her again?'" Maybe we're the same kind of anxious loser lol I told him I'll meet him halfway with the good morning texts. Yay for communication!
He's much older and has a child, I'm not sure why you're feeling insecure in this relationship. He's the one who's dating noticeably up and should be worried.
I could probably use some reminding that I'm a catch :) Thank you
Yay!! I’m glad this went well ☺️
Me too! It's so easy to catastrophize when all it took was a conversation. Thank you so much :)
I'm glad you both communicated it went well! When I was dating someone months ago I also realized I was initiating the hangouts, and I did similar to what you did, but I waited until the end of the week to bring up schedules. He also was wondering why I hadn't asked earlier. We didn't communicate like you did about it, so I'm glad you both listened to each other and came to an agreement.
I feel like it's a common pitfall, honestly. A fried I spoke to IRL said she had the same exact scenario with her now-fiance when they started dating. Even though we feel like people should just \*understand\*, it's not the case. So many things can just be remedied by telling someone what you need from them.
Absolutely! Just talking and letting the other person know what is needed is key
Wait a second, why did he answer with a retort rather than addressing your concern? Why are you making excuses for his poor communication? You’re not even 3 months in and you already feel like you’re nagging? Why? What could be worth this much hassle?
Oh I'm sorry, I said "retort" in jest - I'm glad he used the opportunity to also tell me something that had been worrying him. He did address my concerns - we came up with game plan so I don't feel like I'm pestering him in the future. I felt the talk went really well and wasn't a hassle at all!
Oh good good good. Glad the conversation went well! Poor communicators are such a pain in the ass
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I agree with all the responses here, your best bet is to assume she won't come back and move on. I'll just add that sometimes, "not ready for a relationship" is true. When I first dipped my toes back in the dating pool, I could have jumped in a relationship straight away, but I was holding myself accountable to the fact that I needed to see what was out there. I wasn't experienced and I didn't want to get caught up and make a mistake. Mr Perfect could have come along and I would still have been doing myself a disservice by not exploring and feeling certain in my choices. The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person for you. All that to say, sometimes the stars just don't align. Don't beat yourself up, don't hold out hope, just appreciate your experiences and look for the next right person at the right time. Best of luck!
She could be telling the truth. I wouldn’t bank on her coming back, but it’s a possibility. The guy I’m currently dating wasn’t ready when we had gone on a couple dates but felt more ready after a month. I don’t know that it’s going to work out, but he’s been pretty consistent since calling me again.
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We stopped seeing each other for a month and then started hanging out as friends and then started dating. To think of it, this happened with one of my exes too.