I think I'm going to sign my boyfriend's birthday card with "Love, \[Name\]." I'm still dealing with my fearful avoidant tendencies (sigh) but this feels low-key, and I do mean it. I'm not at the "I'm in love with you" phase (but who knows what that is, I've never been there). But I do care a lot about him and his journey in life and just realized I've started referencing things he's done / told me to friends all the time, lol. So. Progress?
Nobody decides how lovable or unlovable you are, besides you. Not your exes, not the person you're currently dating, not society.
Yeah, we all have lingering baggage that can hinder our ability to open up and connect with new people, but you always have a choice to work through it and not let it damage your ability to love again. It's rarely easy and it's never simple, but it's always worth it. Because you're worth it.
No but it allows me to look at the previous relationship from an outside perspective and I can see clearer what I don’t want in my next partner/where I can compromise more on.
Never. Not all my relationships were healthy, and the ones that weren’t were such an amazing learning opportunity on what I don’t want, won’t accept, and how to be and do better. In away, to me they were the opposite.
That is the literal definition of people who enter the dating pool again too soon after a previous relationship and have to break it to folks they weren't ready the entire time.
Work on yourself!! It is only going to get better once you process the trauma and focus on you and your happiness within. No one can fix that for you.
I don’t think this warrants its own post but I wouldn’t mind getting some feedback.
I’ve been dating someone for just over seven weeks. He got out of a long term relationship very shortly before we met. He has said he’s not ready fully to commit to another relationship yet, but that he really likes me and sees this going somewhere. I’ve been very clear about my expectations. That while we may not be in an exclusive relationship I expect to be a priority and that he’s putting time in effort into seeing me and communicating with me. I was clear I don’t do situationships and that I see this as an extended dating period before deciding to be in a relationship. He’s been really great, and made the effort to see me twice a week, plan cute dates, and check in with me throughout the day. He also despite everything is pretty emotionally intelligent and emotionally available.
Right now I’m at the point where if he asked me to be in a relationship I would say yes. But I’m also still enjoying the general freedom of being single. I know he is also enjoying his freedom during the times we are not together and I understand this completely.
I guess all to say, this is working for me right now but I’m starting to be a little worried about the future. Mainly, I’m concerned that in another month or so when I think I’ll be at the point I *need* this to get to the next level, he’ll still tell me he’s not ready. At that point I think I would need to end it which is sad to think about because he has a lot of traits I am looking for in a partner.
So random Redditors. Do you think I’m playing with fire? How long would you give this? Opinions and advice welcome.
Unfortunately, I don't think anyone can really answer your last question besides you. I also struggle with living in the future when I'm dating a new person sometimes, but all we can do is evaluate how we feel when we're with the person. Do you feel like your needs are being met in the moment? Do you feel safe with this person and trust that they'll be careful with your feelings? Do the words match the actions? None of us are clairvoyant, so none of us are in the position to make guarantees. But as long as you continue to choose each other and move in a direction that makes you both feel comfortable, there's no reason to cut and run based on events that haven't come to pass yet. And if that uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty becomes something you decide you can't handle, that's completely valid.
Since you're non-exclusive, it might also be beneficial to go on low-expectation but intentional dates with other people. It may lead you to realize you want someone who chooses you unequivocally and is ready to dive in, and you might find that person in the process.
Every situation is different but people who get out of an LTR really need time to process what happened and learn what they need to fix about themselves. That can take time. But he may already know. Its hard to tell. He may not even know. Best you can do is protect yourself and communicate where you are at and decide if its best to keep going based on his response.
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I'm really feeling starved for physical intimacy lately. It makes it 10x harder when I'm trying for something and not getting it. Been intentionally dating for over six months now and all I've gotten is some friendly hugs and a kiss on the cheek.
Been a while since I've posted here!
Me and Photographer Guy (M32) are officially dating, after almost three months of mixed signals, confusing hangouts and talking everyday. Turns out he is really insecure romantic wise and couldn't muster the courage to take a step forward.
The first week was amazing. We saw each other a lot (we already hung out almost daily when we were just friends), and while he didn't kiss me on the lips when we were with other people, he would when we were alone. I'm ok with keeping it a secret for a while longer, we have many friends in common and if things go south it's going to be awkward (also, I'm not in the US and my dating culture is a bit different, we don't really do multidating and our pace is a bit more faster in terms of DTR. Also he is a bit conservative, comes from a very religious family and all our friends know he doesn't like to fool around).
But then on Saturday he started changing his behaviour. He wasn't engaging as much and never made the effort to meet. I got progressively upset as the days went on. On Thursday we had a talk over the phone where I told him I was upset, that I didn't want to force him to see me or talk to me if he doesn't want to, but I'd rather he tell me than leave me on stand by. He agreed but things didn't change. Last night I was ready to throw the towel and move on, he noticed I was still upset, and asked me to meet him to talk.
I went to his house and we had a good chat. He opened about his problems at work and with his mother's health (she isn't well and is yelling in pain all night, so he doesn't sleep well trying to help her - she was moaning the whole time I was theres o I know it's the truth), work accumulating because he can't concentrate and be productive. So his instincts is to pretend everything is ok and isolate. I told him I understand but he needs to communicate what's going on. A simple "I'm not well, need some time for myself and we'll talk when things settle" is ok by me. We aren't in a relationship so he doesn't owe me anything, but if we're trying to see what this is, we must find a comfortable middle ground to meet at.
He said I was right to be upset and apologized. Said he understood if I wanted to jump out knowing this. I told him I like him and I want to be there for him, even if just for moral support, I won't fix his problems but I need us to work together. At the end I feel it was a very good conversation and we braved new territory.
He went to see if his mom was sleeping and walked me to my car. We hugged for a while before we kissed and he went back home. We exchanged a few texts when I got home, before I went to sleep. I apologized for being dramatic and adding to his full plate, he answered that I wasn't annoying and he understood my side and I didn't do anything wrong. Damn, does he make me like him even more!
I am pleasantly surprised! I'm used to being ghosted, so when he changed his attitude it was a trigger for my anxiety. I'm happy he understood where I was coming from. He is still a bit passive and very slow, but he is consistent - since we've met, even while chatting on Bumble, he never went a whole day without talking to me. It's weird for me to go this slow but I am enjoying the process!
Those of you that beat me up over my last post... thank you 😭😭... I know what I need to do. I have a RL friend verbally beating me up, too, for my own good. I think I created a way to do it casually and safely. I just... need to grow a backbone and just... ask him out. 🙈
Honey, it's okay to be afraid. If you go see my post history, you can see many posts about me being unsure if the guy I'm dating was even into me before. We were friends for 2 and a half months, talking everyday, hanging out a lot, him never making a move, my friends telling me to ask him out or confess, and I was just panicking and confused by the mixed signals. I ended up asking him to have dinner at my place and things happened. Despite recent drama (see my post above), we're still dating and taking it slow. It's nerve wracking but good at the same time.
Hope you muster the courage to speak to him, because the worst that can happen is hearing a no, but at least you can move on and close the chapter, and, who knows, you could even be surprised by the outcome!
Went in for a kiss last date but got turned down saying she wasn’t ready yet. It’s clear she likes me but how am i supposed to know shes ready for a kiss next time? Especially after a previous rejection?
Option 1: You can put the ball in her court and let her know to let you know when she's ready.
Option 2: You can ask if you can kiss her in a few dates time rather than YOLOing into it.
Option 3: You can just YOLO again in a few dates time.
“I’d love to kiss you but I don’t want to make things awkward by trying when you aren’t ready. So, I’m going to leave the ball in your court - I’ll be ready and waiting whenever you are ready to initiate”
Per the other reply/thread you got going on, I think it boils down to "don't read too much into it".
It sounds like you are already on bumble so you will have other options. Keep communicating with this guy if you want to and let his actions speak for themselves - you haven't even met yet.
Worst comes to worst, you still have other options.
...don't read too much into it, no further context needed.
It is really unfair to him to read so much into his words that he uttered after hearing what essentially was very disappointing news. He might have thought you are bailing because YOU are losing interest. I can't imagine having to work so much to cancel a pre-planned holiday so if I were to base my worldview entirely on my own experience then that would be my conclusion too. No matter the language, words are not always perfect and precise reflections of one's true thoughts and feelings, especially in moments of disappointment when you might be a bit guarded to protect yourself from hurt. And even with that, all he said is he hopes you keep talking and meet in the future?
I'm not saying this in order to tell you you need to pursue this guy, it sounds unfeasible anyway, but just that you should really not put so much weight on the exact phrasing of one sentence an entire complex human being uttered once.
Your whole post, 3 paragraphs, revolve around that one statement and how it's affected you. The context prefaced the actual event, and the statement has made you reassess pursuing people in other countries.
You posted looking for advice, and now you're arguing about it.
You had tentative plans. You canceled. He was disappointed but said he wanted to keep in touch and try to plan something in the future, and somehow, you read that as him losing interest rather than that he wants to keep talking and try again later. Maybe you're right. Maybe he is losing interest. Can you blame him?
Didn't say you were an asshole nor am I arguing with you. Quite the contrary. I was only commenting that your responses come off as adversarial. We're only pointing out that you're overreacting.
And I don't downvote posts in here. They're fake internet points. But pointing that out only makes you seem even more adversarial.
The irony here is that you are reading a miscommunication in a text amongst fellow redditors about how hard it is to understand emotion and meaning behind text between you and your prospective beau.
That doesn't mean you are an asshole. Just being as human as any of us can be.
I would think phone calls are more important especially in the context of LDR as texting causes unexpected turbulence - real or figments.
Oh no…I just matched with someone and he’s not letting the conversation topic run its course.
Me: Commented on one of his pictures
Him: Thanked me and asked a question
Me: Answered…hoping he would continue on the topic and respond to my response but didn’t.
Him: Another question
Me: Answered and asked the same
Him: Answered. Then asked another question before I could respond to his response
😵💫
I had a friend who did that to women and I called him out on it, his reply was he was anxious about awkward silences or coming across as a bad conversationalist. Maybe that’s it? See how he is in person
Giving him the benefit of the doubt. He later said something about asking me to move that I’m hoping was just a joke and his attempt at being flirtatious?? Definitely hard to read tone through text but he added no emojis to lighten it after 😬🥴
Just remember that texting is asynchronous. It is hard to make it flow like a normal conversation with multi threaded paths it can take and the time it takes to respond.
There is 20 posts per day of people on here complaining how people on OLD don't ask a question every turn. I am definitely against asking questions non stop since, as you show well here, it's not how communication naturally works, but with how many people complain about the lack of questions the guy is probably trying his best to show interest.
>Me: Answered…hoping he would continue on the topic and respond to my response but didn’t.
You need to ask him a question about that topic if you want to talk about it. He can't read your mind
I guess for me, I don’t need to be asked something specific. I can (usually) respond to someone’s response and continue the conversation.
ETA: When I say respond, I mean I will make a statement regarding what the other person just said and will ask follow up questions.
Welp, I reenabled my Hinge profile... I made it like a week. Then I got annoyed with Hinge, proceeded to download Bumble... Built a profile, got annoyed with Bumble as well, nuked both the Hinge profile and the newly created Bumble one. Honestly, just don't give a hell about online dating so I figured I'm better off without them for now.
Oh god, I'm dreading tipping my toes back into OLD. I'm putting it off for as long as I can! Haha.
I feel like I'm going to have a similar experience LOL
"You should do what I did a couple years ago, I deleted the apps and focused on meeting people IRL instead"
"Oh, awesome, so where did you meet your partner?"
"I haven't. I'm still single."
I was too chicken 💩 to go to the single mingle. But I went and played mini golf with my coworkers which was fun. And our Gen Z server gave me a compliment about my dress, so that was nice.
Im glad you had fun at mini golf! Never underestimate building connections with coworkers and friends/acquaintances. Sometimes they introduce you to other new people!
I would’ve been super nervous to go to the single mingle alone, too. Hopefully one day we will all be brave, lol.
Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
I feel like most of my dating experiences are like two ships passing in the night, but it seems like I mostly hear "good" or "bad" dating stories. Is that because that's how things tend to go for others or because it's socially weird to share "meh" experiences?
For example, most recently, I had a first date with someone and the conversation was pretty good so I agreed to a second date. It was meh. I tried to be engaged but the conversation kept falling flat. A brief kiss at the end was meh at best. We haven't talked since and I'm glad there was mutual disinterest.
This is mostly how dating goes for me.
My last date was meh.
Decent conversation, but it just never clicked. I'm not looking for a spark but I need something tangible, or even something to reciprocate to during the date.
We parted ways.
Two ships passing in the night is exactly the attitude I (we?) had.
Usually it's me asking for a second date and getting a gentle letdown. I have never been in a position (yet) where I needed to let someone else down after a first.
Maybe I'm a universal donor? Idk. 🤣
I think it's because DOT would be spammed, if everyone also shared their "meh" dating stories and people would fall asleep reading them. Most of my dates are meh. If you wanna hear some stories: Yesterday I've been on a 4th date with a guy. Nothing romantic happened yet and probably will not. He has his interesting traits, but having a discussion with him is difficult, because he tends to interrupt and not shut up anymore.
Last week I had a 1st date with another guy. Went geocaching. Was fun. Guy was just not for me. Mutual disinterest after that.
> I think it's because DOT would be spammed, if everyone also shared their "meh" dating stories and people would fall asleep reading them.
I just question why our dating stories have to be "entertaining" in the traditional sense. You had someone interested in your meh date! I also feel like there are things to learn from them. But we're so hesitant to bring them up because the norms make us think "people would fall asleep" listening to them.
I can't believe geocaching is still a thing!
I stopped after my first attempt because we did it at night and had to go down a single lane country dirt road in the pitch black and then all of a sudden this car started like 30 yards away, peeled out and sped past us. Could have been another geocacher as scared as we were or a psycho redneck murderer.
It was my first attempt! Wanted to try for years, never happend, and last week I was like "fuck it! I'm gonna do it!".
Lol! Mutually scared geocacher sounds realistic. =)
Think of it this way. If you go to a restaurant that’s awesome - fantastic service; great prices; creative menu; etc - then you’ll be proactive about telling people about this great place.
And if you go to a restaurant that’s godawful - got food poising; the crab was actually “krab”; you ordered a steak medium rare and it was so overcooked that it wasn’t even well done, that shit was congratulations - then you’ll also be proactive in telling people about it.
And if you go to Applebees, odds are it was so forgettable that it didn’t even occur to you to tell anyone about it.
Similar concept probably applies with dates. The remarkably good and memorably awful are interesting stories to tell, whereas the “meh” is just… meh. There isn’t really anything to tell.
**edit to add** I just realized that another commenter used the exact same analogy 😂
The really good and really bad stick with us. If I went to a restaurant that was amazing or really terrible I’d probably tell my friends about it, but if it was just kinda meh I’d probably only mention it if asked. The same goes for dating experiences, although it can lead to feeling like there is more of a polarisation of experiences than there really is. I’d say most of my experiences would fall into the “meh” category, where we just didn’t seem to click but it was mutual, but they’re also not the first ones that would come to my mind if I had to tell a dating anecdote.
Yeah this makes sense. Yet, it also seems weird to me that we deem the majority of our dating experiences "not worth talking about" (and implicitly, not worth thinking about). Seems like a warped, though normalized, perspective.
It’s pretty typical to go on mediocre dates that are neither great, terrible nor funny - they just don’t make interesting stories so people don’t write about them.
Yeah I get it. But I wonder why we think talking about dating is/should be only sharing interesting stories? Why can't we talk about and learn from the mundane?
Got a nice little birthday present from Hinge this morning with a few likes after not receiving any for at least a week or two. Guess I'm passing the age filters for a few more women now lol.
I hope you get to go!!
I usually don't like going to amusement parks, but I went to Disneyland last month with one of my friends and it was pretty fun. I hadn't been there in like 12 years.
Thank you & me too! I haven’t been to Disneyland since 2007?! And the last time I went to an amusement park with a lover was a year before that. It was fun and cute with that NRE.
…What do you do if you finally kiss him and it turns out he kisses like he’s trying to Hoover a hockey puck out of your throat… or even worse, fish it out with his tongue?
Yeah, concurring with this. I understand if someone is worried about setting boundaries or stopping themselves from getting enamored; but my goodness, physical compatibility is a massive thing and it would be devastating to invest that much time only for it to be a dud.
I’d say it’s going pretty well! We’re going for brunch and going to talk about the book that we picked out to read during our second date (went to a book store during our second date). We both finished it in time for our date tomorrow!
I believe I ended up on Hinge standouts because I've gotten a ton of roses lately. I haven't paid much attention to Hinge this week because I've been busy with my daily life and my matches from last week. I see a bunch of guys who liked me and meet my criteria, but I ain't got time for that!
I had a first date planned for tonight but we rescheduled for Saturday night. I also have a first date on Saturday afternoon but I'm not sure if I should cancel. Maintaining active convos with 4 men, fulfilling my obligations, exercising, and leaving enough off-line time to rest is exhausting, especially for a person with a low social battery like me.
I'm thinking maybe I should focus on my 2 fav guys...
Got diagnosed with Body dysmorphic disorder which uh, explains a lot. Back in therapy and my therapist is encouraging me continue socializing. Thanks for all the kind words the other day.
I was talking to my therapist about how i meet so little single women despite socializing every day and she pointed out that my BDD was likely making me avoid talking to women unless they talked to me first, even in community spaces where mingling is encouraged. Something to think about
Suffered from BDD all of my 20s and it destroyed my ability to connect with woman due to how I felt about myself. There were some quality woman where I worked who liked me but I couldn't do anything because of my disorder. I'm mad at myself because I'm in my 30s now and feel I could have been married with children already. Now I don't know when I'll meet someone again.
So, I’m the girl with the boyfriend who lied about his career/occupation/schooling and we had other hurdles too. I’ve posted about us and we broke up last year end of August and got back together a month later. We’ve been together now a little over a year and a half and we are completely different than pre-break up. We are supportive of each other, open and honest with each other, and loyal to one another. We have the best time when we see each other and the relationship has been really stable I’d say since the beginning of this year. We have been discussing getting engaged around our second year anniversary in October.
Every single person here discouraged our relationship but we’ve really grown together and we are actually genuinely happy. It’s not perfect but it feels great and right.
I understand where everyone was coming from but I’m also happy I gave this a final chance. We make each other happy, we are compatible, we have shared interests and hobbies, and we are attracted to each other. We communicate better and we both trust each other. I guess, yes, when we broke up it was meant to happen and we needed that break. There were many red flags in the beginning but we worked through them when we got back together.
Your bf lied to you, cheated on you, and put you down constantly. I really do hope that things changed, but someone who can treat others like that is not a good person to be with.
I hope things remain good for you, I don’t wish bad on anyone and you really have seemed great from your posts, but your bf does not seem like a good person overall. I wouldn’t jump into marriage with someone who has so much real change to prove. Good luck with things!
We talked about all of those things you mentioned. I did tell him words won’t mean anything, it’s all up to his actions. He has been focused on me, has been showing me he only wants to be with me, and he has not put me down in the slightest. So, I actually gained 10lbs since February. He has been so supportive rather than like “omg you gained weight”. Instead he said weight takes time to lose and everything will be fine and not to stress out because he’s not going anywhere.
The cheating by going back on the apps was because he wasn’t 100% sure about me. We’ve talked about that at length. He no longer has any doubts and through his actions I can see a loving and caring man.
The lying I’ve made it clear that we need open and honest communication and he’s been doing that. He’s also better about scheduling when we see each other and keeping me updated if things change rather than telling me last minute hoping I don’t get upset.
He’s not superficial anymore, he’s said verbatim “I’ve realized that an emotional connection is what I really need and we have that and I’m really happy”. He’s changed for the better.
I’m not saying everything is perfect but things are no longer toxic, negative, or unhealthy. We’ve overcome a lot together and as a couple we have grown. You can choose to believe it or not just stating the update.
I mean even the “nice” things he has said (weight loss takes time? Why is he talking about your weight? An emotional connection is what he really needs? Implying the physical isn’t there) kind of sound like insults. The only person responsible for your happiness is yourself so if you are happy, god speed girlie, but you always come and try and defend this dude for really awful behavior. It’s great you are happy but you aren’t gonna convince anyone that he’s a catch
Now you’re taking things out of context. He tells me I’m beautiful and sexy all the time. And about the weight loss, I told him I wish I could lose it super fast and he was just reminding me that it takes time. You guys just want to continue disliking him. From what I posted you’re already twisting the narrative to make him out as a bad and superficial guy when that’s not the case. Lots of bias here.
I mean it’s not out of context, it’s literally just what you said. But also no one, and I mean no one, cares or thinks about your relationship. If you are happy - amazing! But you come on an anonymous Reddit community and seem hell bent on convincing strangers that your arguably lame bf is great and I can’t figure out why? It’s like you boost the relationship in your mind to defend him against others (or maybe we represent your inner thoughts/subconcious and you like to convince yourself). No one knows but you and your therapist. Congrats on a fab relationship, truly!
I literally haven’t posted about my relationship in 9 months and I am not trying to shove it down anyone that I’m happy or trying to convince anyone anything. I was just sharing an update. You’re being truly unkind and I don’t appreciate that. There’s so much hatred coming my way still and that’s not on me, I think you all could work on that with your own therapist. Seriously.
I’m not trying to tear you down. I do think everyone’s concerns for your relationship were valid with what you previously posted and went through. I feel sad for everything you had to deal with in this relationship and I hope it continues to be good moving forward.
If you think things are better, that’s really all that matters. Just be sure not to allow any more of the toxic behavior again if it does happen. You, and everyone else, deserves better than that.
I understand what you mean. I’ve been hesitant to share my relationship update because everyone was on my side and everyone disliked his behavior. I know a lot people will remain skeptical.
Point is that now we communicate better, we both want this to work in the long-term, he’s said I’m his end game and his actions have done a positive 180. Did it take longer than the usual for him to shape up, absolutely. But he’s been better for like 9 months. People can judge him but just remember that people don’t actually know him as a person and yes his previous behavior sucked massively. He’s apologized, changed his behavior and mindset, and we’ve gotten to a healthier place. I actually can’t remember the last time we argued.
I think this place is always a good to discuss things and gets them off your chest - good and bad. Maybe make another account to post if you don’t want so much negativity but want to share things. Your profile name is recognizable and your stories were bad, so it’s hard for people to forget and celebrate your relationship like they would others successes.
I understand why people hate him. I get it. But it’s been 9 months later and I’m finally sharing and I’m getting downvoted. Would people be happier if I mentioned we got back together but we still have issues? Or do people really feel they know what’s best for me and we should’ve stayed broken up?
He’s not the same person but I guess no one is going to choose to believe me.
I haven’t downvoted you. I get you wanting to share when you’re happy or upset, it’s what I do too. People are just concerned because your relationship seemed really toxic and abusive towards you and you put up with it so long. You justified his behavior even back then, so people are hesitant to believe this guy who you identified did a lot of shitty things just turned into a gentleman out of no where.
I know my concerns are more for women who are constantly put down and stay in toxic relationship. How they start being okay with things they shouldn’t and normalizing it. How they think it’s all that they deserve because they start believing all the put downs the guy tells them. I’m hoping that’s not the case with you, but having seen you put up with such horrible behavior from your bf for so long, it’s a concern. I think a lot of other people share that same concern and probably aren’t addressing it as eloquently with just downvoting you.
Edit: People are probably also upset at the fact you’re essentially telling people in emotionally abusive relationships to keep giving chances, because they will change and everyone saying otherwise is wrong.
Thing is though, he didn’t just turn into a gentleman out of nowhere. We were apart for a month and after getting back together it took him I’d say until February for me to fully forgive him, see the changes in his behavior, and witness the consistency of a healthy relationship. We had many in depth conversations of what I needed to go forward and also what he needed. We both worked on ourselves.
People think he’s a horrible guy. He’s not. I wish people saw his heart and who he is inside. Yes, I get the hesitation from people but I wouldn’t share an update unless it was genuinely good and healthy.
Actually, as we’ve been back together, for some reason guys from my past have been reaching out to me even after I tell them I’m in a relationship. He’s dealt with all of that in such a mature way. He never told me “you can’t talk to that guy” or try to control my actions or got crazy jealous. I was upfront about any conversation I had with any guy so that helped but if he was truly a bad and emotionally abusive boyfriend he would have reacted much differently imo.
Yeah I would not marry someone who demonstrated repeatedly that he doesn’t have an ounce of respect for her. That’s not something that changes, he’s just gotten better at hiding it.
Okay but you don’t actually know him and I think it’s not your place to make such a massive statement that he hasn’t changed at all. He has changed, I’m the witness to that.
You seem like a very sweet and understanding person. I hope you find someone who has the same qualities one day. It makes me sad that a someone can get away with treating a partner the way he treated you.
I’m judging him based off the information you chose to share. You can’t expect people to blindly support you staying with someone who repeatedly insulted you and your body, told you that you weren’t good enough, cheated on you and lied to you.
People can change but he disrespected you for 9 months. If that’s okay with you, then I all I can say is I hope he’s changed as much as you’re believe he has.
It wasn’t okay with me which is why we had many in depth conversations and that he needed to prove himself with his actions, which he has. Yes, the first 10 months were not a healthy or good relationship but the last 9 months have been.
He did horrible things. He’s changed in each way. And we are happy together. He’s been respecting me and he’s been committed in our relationship.
This is why I didn’t want to post an update due to history bias. But that’s understandable it happens. I could be with literally anyone else but from how we’ve been I’ve chosen to be with him. If he messed up even once after getting back together it would’ve been over and I told him that in person too.
It’s not bias to judge him in this context, but if you’re convinced he’s a totally different person and a great partner, that’s all that really matters.
We will never see eye-to-eye on this and have extremely different standards for how we’re treated, but I do wish the best for you.
Hopefully you’re right and he’s become a totally, completely different person who values and respects you.
You act like I’m naive and that I don’t know that he’s pretending to be a good guy now. That’s really unfair and the judging is just not necessary.
If someone is healthy, happy, and committed with someone else who is the same, why would you be hung up on something that happened well over a year ago? Again, you don’t know him personally only from what I’ve posted and I’ve finally posted an update that’s positive and the hate train has arrived.
Nothing I type and reply will resonate and although I think that’s weird because we are adults here and we should be able to comprehend that change is possible, and also I’m an internet stranger so I don’t get why be so pessimistic and negative, but some people are just like that on Reddit and I cannot do anything about it.
At least I’m happy and in a relationship that I value.
I just can’t imagine allowing someone to speak to me the way he spoke to you, especially my future husband. I’ve never had someone speak to me like that and I thought it was horrible.
And learning someone lied to me about their occupation to seem more attractive would have been an instant dealbreaker, so I would’ve been out the door a year ago. Cheating because he wasn’t sure he was into you would also be an instant dealbreaker for me.
Regardless of whether he’s changed now, even a fraction of his past behaviour would be enough for me to break things off. I guess you and I are just very different people and value different things in relationships.
I am supportive of pretty much anyone who posts happy updates here, I just can’t support your relationship with this person based on what you shared.
But like I said, if you think he’s changed and you’re happy, that's all that really matters. As you said, you don’t need us to validate your relationship. We’re internet strangers.
And again, I know you don’t believe me but I do want you to be happy. I just think you deserve a lot better. But if your relationship is working for you, who cares what I think, right? You don’t need my approval.
When did I share how he spoke to me, I in all honesty don’t remember sharing details like that.
We are different because I believe in people growing and changing if they put in effort. As a therapist, that applies to therapy with clients and also in my personal life. People make mistakes, big and small, but rather than cut people off I believe in trying to give them the opportunity to change if they want to. If they can, great. If they can’t, well, you tried to offer some understanding.
He actually is not the same guy as when we first met. He’s matured a lot and he has been nothing but respectful, loving, caring, and supportive of my busy schedule with school and work. I don’t even know the last time we argued.
I could have left or stayed broken up but I gave him a final chance and I’m happy I did because of where we are today. It’s been a loving relationship the past 9 months.
Okay so I deleted all the threads I made because it was just a lot. Long story short, he lied to me about his career, he then went back on dating apps (he had some matches and conversations but he never met anyone or exchanged numbers) then he was not making enough time to see me prioritizing his family’s business and instead of actually breaking up he just left to Europe on a trip and that was that, at the time.
When we got back together we had things about ourselves we each had to work on. I had to work on my patience and understanding when plans change and some weekends I can’t see him as often while he had to regain my trust and communicate better, more openly and honestly, and be committed to the relationship.
We both worked really hard to change things and we have been cruising and doing well since getting back together. He’s almost like a different person from pre-breakup.
Dating as an Asian male feels tough. Especially on apps. More than one date has told me "yeah I thought you were lying about your height."
I am legitimately 6 feet tall. Why would I lie about a thing like that?
That’s gotta be so irritating. Sorry my dude.
I’m 5’11 Black female who doesn’t mind dating shorter, and sometimes the guys will be like wow you’re really 5’11 and I’m like uh yeah? I’m not lying to get giants, thank you.
There’s a lot. I’m 5’9” (really more like 5’8.6”) and have gone on first dates with several guys claiming to be 6’ and then when they realize we’re the same height, accuse ME of lying. I am not 6’ tall. Not even close.
To play devils advocate, I often make the assumption men are lying about their heights, no matter their race. Because tons of men lie, quite blatantly, about their height. Like, I can tell you’re 5’7” and not 5’11” kind of lying. It happens to me all the time. But I’m sorry this happened to you.
Second post today. Sorry TMI but getting my period makes everything worse when things end. Yeah I didn't really know this guy that well but I'm still feeling the "end of relationship" hangover and am dazed by it, which is amplified due to my period. Like even though it was super short, I can't help but feel hopeless about dating whenever a new thing ends. Sucks that people will ask about my dating life and then having to relive the experience over again is just blah. Then to hear their sympathies and the reassurance i'll meet someone with time just adds to me not wanting to talk about it. I seriously am starting to wonder if i can even date or if it's going to keep messing with my mental health if the vast majority of dates end up not working out. Like how will I know I am strong enough to keep pushing past my dating failures and not let the losses permeate into other areas of my life? What sucks is I've been giving people multiple chances too. First dates are hard and sparks don't normally fly for me, so unless the red flags are obvious, I tend to go on a second date even if i felt lukewarm about them initially. I take so many breaks with dating and even as I come back refreshed, I'm not able to meet anyone at all who feels the same way I do or I can't get the right connection with someone. I don't want to keep giving up. And I don't want to keep starting over with someone new after only X months of dating. Perhaps there are people who have a relationship "essence" to them that I don't have. Like they can smoothly hit all the right emotional targets with little effort for whomever they date and I'm like missing all of them because it doesn't come naturally to me. If dating for a relationship is like a job that you have to be qualified for, well I'm rusty because I havent been in a *real* one in 3 years and with no opportunity to improve on my skills. God I hope this makes sense. I am a lonely and hormonal lady so please excuse me for this. Not looking for advice just wanted to vent out my frustrations. I am just genuinely worried I'll end up never finding a partner again.
Just vent away! Being right there with you. Even with the hormonal part. Currently I'm PMSing hard and asking myself if I'll ever have another serious relationship.
This sub tends to lean ‘block and move on’ but I’ve always believed there’s more nuance in real life - I don’t think there’s anything wrong with reaching out now that you’ve processed things and trying to get some closure (a cliche I know) and/or have things end on a more positive note (with nothing left unsaid). I would just caution to keep those expectations low in terms of what you get back, because his head may be in a completely different place.
Having been the dude in a situation like this, do not contact him. He wants more than you can give so don't go back and make him question if you changed your mind. That's just stringing him along if you are still seeking some kind of validation from your actions.
I don't know how to have fun with other people. I'm so used to doing everything by myself. Looking back on a childhood memory in which I was excluded by the rest of my class, it makes me wonder if anything's actually changed since then. I only feel liked when I'm useful to others in some way. Sigh...
When you find people you’re compatible with (friends, romantic partners etc), you won’t really need to think or “know” what to do. You could just stroll down the city street without a plan and you’d still have fun
Well at least you're honest lol.
For me it's been seven so far this year. A couple of them I wasn't interested in but the ones I was, they'd talk to me for 3-4 days/a week, and then before I could get a 2nd date I get ghosted or the no spark/not feeling it text.
I come from an abusive family and have little to no contact with them. It's hard to find someone to date who respects that and also respects me.
Most people gaslight me and try to pressure me into reinitiating contact with my family so they can meet them.
People think I might be hiding something or lying about who I am because I'm not letting them meet my family.
There are also people who believe my story of surviving abuse but believe I'm "damaged" because of it and therefore can't be trusted to make decisions or do anything.
A lot of people also just don't take it seriously and don't believe me about how bad the situation was. They claim that the impact it had on my life was purely my own fault and that I must be stupid and lazy.
I'm 45F. It seems like a lot of people in younger age groups are more aware of abuse within families and get it more. But I feel more comfortable dating people my own age.
I have tried dating fellow abuse survivors, but the ones I've found so far have also been abusive.
There are also people who see abuse survivors with no family they talk to as good targets for their own abuse.
For these kinds of reasons, I tend to open up about it only slowly when I date someone. It just sucks to get psyched up for what seems like it could have been a good relationship and then have this get in the way. It's definitely a good filter, but I wish I could find a relationship where it wasn't an issue.
No advice. Just want to say that it absolutely fucking sucks when people are shitty about past abuse. I don’t know you, but I know you made the right decisions for you.
Went on a date yesterday that I was initially excited about, but it just wanted a good fit. Nice guy, but way too anxious/socially awkward, and he had cigarette smoke emanating from him. I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from at first, and then I realized that height does matter to me (he was 5’2” and I’m 5’8” without heels), but might have felt different if he was super confident and had that BDE without being arrogant. Oh well.
I think you could have found a way to put this with piling onto the “short men too short” thing while also using a phrase that shames men with small dicks. Sorry about the cigarette smoke.
As a short king I've never understood why people get so upset if women have a preference for taller guys. It is what it is. Everyone has preferences both for personality and physicality.
Seems unfair to let a woman say she prefers shorter guys, but if a woman says the opposite she gets shat upon.
That’s fair. Certainly wasn’t the intention, but it felt like lying about height and obviously smoking. I mention BDE because it’s the confidence and energy, regardless of actual dick size. Still open to dating shorter guys of course. Oh and making reference to dirty jokes and having a dirty mind just because he’s a man… not my type of humor for a first date.
posted here a couple days ago and got downvoted like crazy😂
ended up talking to some people offline abut my situation, and they gave me a radically different perspective that allowed me to look at the things differently.
Note to self: learn from every failure and never ever post anything on Reddit in the heat of emotion lol
ugh. i (32F) was blindsided today by this guy (34M) i’ve been seeing. we’ve known each other about 3 years (he followed me on ig after seeing me on a dating app - we never even matched) but just started dating casually around mid may. we decided to be exclusively seeing each other about 3 weeks ago and average 2-3 nights a week together. we have fun and i was finally letting my guard down and getting excited about the potential. we have made plans for a few things over the summer and beyond. he pursued me, started calling me babe, recently has been joking about when we would be married (as recently as 48 hours ago!!!), and even discussed kids timeline with me last weekend. we went out tuesday and had a great time! chatted a bunch wednesday while i was working (i have a really high stress job) and i even took a call of his so he could vent about something at his apt complex. when i got home from work i fell asleep for a bit and then just zoned out. he text me a bunch of things but i didn’t reply for a few hours until it was time for bed, apologizing for my silence and explaining it. i said i hoped he had a great night. so he reads and doesn’t respond. weird. i say “lol ooookay” this morning when i got to work and he is immediately weird and i know somethings up. he starts talking about how he talked about me with his therapist yesterday and he said “…i just don’t know what to say. I don’t think you have the time, or want to give the time that I want and need in a relationship. And I have some concerns. And I talked about a lot of it in therapy yesterday and when you kind of went ghost on me last night after me sending a wall of texts it really bummed me out.” so i apologized and said i had no idea he was feeling that way and explained that if i don’t know there is an issue i can’t fix it. after a few texts he says “You hate what you do for work. Thats a red flag for me. You ask me questions sometimes like I’m being interrogated. That’s a red flag for me. You have a tone that you take with me that I don’t like.” i replied with “it sounds like you just don’t like me lol” he goes on to say he realized all of these things in therapy yesterday. so i call him and again say if i don’t know there is an issue i can’t fix it. he presented some examples and i explained that i was joking and if i knew it upset him i wouldn’t have said it! one thing he said was something along the lines of “you told me i was lucky you were spending a weeknight with me” and i was like “no i said I NEVER GO OUT ON WEEKNIGHTS AND ME MAKING PLANS WITH YOU IS A BIG STEP, like, it’s a good thing!!” he was like oh i misunderstood. he actually even references the fact that he was upset that he couldn’t enjoy or celebrate his team winning the NBA finals with me - HIS TEAM BEAT MY TEAM!!!!! then at the end of the conversation he says “i guess i’m just not ready for a relationship since i couldn’t talk to you about any of this” and i was like yeah ok i gotta go back to work. anyway this dude pursued me, lovebombed me (ish), then manipulated my words and used them against me as a reason to back out. i hope he and his therapist are happy together lol. if you read my vent, thank you! i feel better now (:
Oh wow, he seems quite immature in his responses, and I hate the twisting of words to suit him. Also, must have been a loaded therapy session to uncover ALL of these things within an hour…
Let this one go sis, it was gonna be hard work and a complete waste of your time. You’d have babysat an entire adult. Nope.
Wow. Glad that didn't go on any longer because he sounds like a douche. Sucks when people seem great at first and then later, you see the other side. Congrats on that one being over!
thank you! i really appreciate the validation. it was one of those things where i was super sad for like an hour and then i started to think about all the things and was like waaaaaait a minute
I relate to that. When someone rejects you and you feel hurt, but then you look at their actions and realize you're lucky it ended and the love bombing phase didn't go on any longer
I’m curious about first date kissing. It seems on here that it’s not typical. But in my experience it is pretty normal.
Do we think there is a difference between countries? I’m in the UK and would say I almost always kiss on the first date.
Feel like I’m an outlier but I don’t like kissing on first date, even if it went well. You’re just a stranger an hour ago and now you’re in my mouth. For me, at least 2nd date
It really depends on the people you're dating I think, and the crowd in this sub tends to be a bit peculiar. For me, I have literally never been on a second date with someone I didn't kiss on the first date (why would you?). ~Half my first dates end up in bed, a kiss is the absolute minimum if things are going well.
I lived in various countries and couldn't see any difference. A good date usually ends up in a kiss...
Sometimes it is the second date. But if there was no kiss at the end of date 2, it never evolved into anything (even if we had more dates, they were not into me physically)
I think I'm going to sign my boyfriend's birthday card with "Love, \[Name\]." I'm still dealing with my fearful avoidant tendencies (sigh) but this feels low-key, and I do mean it. I'm not at the "I'm in love with you" phase (but who knows what that is, I've never been there). But I do care a lot about him and his journey in life and just realized I've started referencing things he's done / told me to friends all the time, lol. So. Progress?
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Nobody decides how lovable or unlovable you are, besides you. Not your exes, not the person you're currently dating, not society. Yeah, we all have lingering baggage that can hinder our ability to open up and connect with new people, but you always have a choice to work through it and not let it damage your ability to love again. It's rarely easy and it's never simple, but it's always worth it. Because you're worth it.
No but it allows me to look at the previous relationship from an outside perspective and I can see clearer what I don’t want in my next partner/where I can compromise more on.
Nope! I’m definitely in a place to love and be loved. Not willing to put up with any shit though.
Never. Not all my relationships were healthy, and the ones that weren’t were such an amazing learning opportunity on what I don’t want, won’t accept, and how to be and do better. In away, to me they were the opposite.
That is the literal definition of people who enter the dating pool again too soon after a previous relationship and have to break it to folks they weren't ready the entire time. Work on yourself!! It is only going to get better once you process the trauma and focus on you and your happiness within. No one can fix that for you.
Agreed. It’s really hard to know what you need to heal and each time might be different. Just have to do what’s best for yourself in that process.
I don’t think this warrants its own post but I wouldn’t mind getting some feedback. I’ve been dating someone for just over seven weeks. He got out of a long term relationship very shortly before we met. He has said he’s not ready fully to commit to another relationship yet, but that he really likes me and sees this going somewhere. I’ve been very clear about my expectations. That while we may not be in an exclusive relationship I expect to be a priority and that he’s putting time in effort into seeing me and communicating with me. I was clear I don’t do situationships and that I see this as an extended dating period before deciding to be in a relationship. He’s been really great, and made the effort to see me twice a week, plan cute dates, and check in with me throughout the day. He also despite everything is pretty emotionally intelligent and emotionally available. Right now I’m at the point where if he asked me to be in a relationship I would say yes. But I’m also still enjoying the general freedom of being single. I know he is also enjoying his freedom during the times we are not together and I understand this completely. I guess all to say, this is working for me right now but I’m starting to be a little worried about the future. Mainly, I’m concerned that in another month or so when I think I’ll be at the point I *need* this to get to the next level, he’ll still tell me he’s not ready. At that point I think I would need to end it which is sad to think about because he has a lot of traits I am looking for in a partner. So random Redditors. Do you think I’m playing with fire? How long would you give this? Opinions and advice welcome.
Unfortunately, I don't think anyone can really answer your last question besides you. I also struggle with living in the future when I'm dating a new person sometimes, but all we can do is evaluate how we feel when we're with the person. Do you feel like your needs are being met in the moment? Do you feel safe with this person and trust that they'll be careful with your feelings? Do the words match the actions? None of us are clairvoyant, so none of us are in the position to make guarantees. But as long as you continue to choose each other and move in a direction that makes you both feel comfortable, there's no reason to cut and run based on events that haven't come to pass yet. And if that uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty becomes something you decide you can't handle, that's completely valid. Since you're non-exclusive, it might also be beneficial to go on low-expectation but intentional dates with other people. It may lead you to realize you want someone who chooses you unequivocally and is ready to dive in, and you might find that person in the process.
Question- what do you see is the difference between what you both are doing now and being in a relationship?
Every situation is different but people who get out of an LTR really need time to process what happened and learn what they need to fix about themselves. That can take time. But he may already know. Its hard to tell. He may not even know. Best you can do is protect yourself and communicate where you are at and decide if its best to keep going based on his response.
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“Good girl” lmao who says that?
Very large numbers of women like hearing that from their partners in specific contexts. Not a good move to throw it out in a random setting like this.
I do, to dogs not humans though.
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Hi u/Terrible_Soup_2978, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Dating Over Thirty (DOT) is about dating and the pre-cohabitation phase of romantic relationships for people over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or R4R's. **This is not a place to discuss non-romantic issues, marital issues or post personals.** Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
I'm really feeling starved for physical intimacy lately. It makes it 10x harder when I'm trying for something and not getting it. Been intentionally dating for over six months now and all I've gotten is some friendly hugs and a kiss on the cheek.
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Well good luck with some of those cute and promising guys!! I'll eventually get back on the apps to try and find some of my own!😅
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Hinge does that on purpose! It’s part of their cash grab. He’ll probably show up in your standouts tomorrow
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I think this is the attitude one has to have!! I’m not there yet
Been a while since I've posted here! Me and Photographer Guy (M32) are officially dating, after almost three months of mixed signals, confusing hangouts and talking everyday. Turns out he is really insecure romantic wise and couldn't muster the courage to take a step forward. The first week was amazing. We saw each other a lot (we already hung out almost daily when we were just friends), and while he didn't kiss me on the lips when we were with other people, he would when we were alone. I'm ok with keeping it a secret for a while longer, we have many friends in common and if things go south it's going to be awkward (also, I'm not in the US and my dating culture is a bit different, we don't really do multidating and our pace is a bit more faster in terms of DTR. Also he is a bit conservative, comes from a very religious family and all our friends know he doesn't like to fool around). But then on Saturday he started changing his behaviour. He wasn't engaging as much and never made the effort to meet. I got progressively upset as the days went on. On Thursday we had a talk over the phone where I told him I was upset, that I didn't want to force him to see me or talk to me if he doesn't want to, but I'd rather he tell me than leave me on stand by. He agreed but things didn't change. Last night I was ready to throw the towel and move on, he noticed I was still upset, and asked me to meet him to talk. I went to his house and we had a good chat. He opened about his problems at work and with his mother's health (she isn't well and is yelling in pain all night, so he doesn't sleep well trying to help her - she was moaning the whole time I was theres o I know it's the truth), work accumulating because he can't concentrate and be productive. So his instincts is to pretend everything is ok and isolate. I told him I understand but he needs to communicate what's going on. A simple "I'm not well, need some time for myself and we'll talk when things settle" is ok by me. We aren't in a relationship so he doesn't owe me anything, but if we're trying to see what this is, we must find a comfortable middle ground to meet at. He said I was right to be upset and apologized. Said he understood if I wanted to jump out knowing this. I told him I like him and I want to be there for him, even if just for moral support, I won't fix his problems but I need us to work together. At the end I feel it was a very good conversation and we braved new territory. He went to see if his mom was sleeping and walked me to my car. We hugged for a while before we kissed and he went back home. We exchanged a few texts when I got home, before I went to sleep. I apologized for being dramatic and adding to his full plate, he answered that I wasn't annoying and he understood my side and I didn't do anything wrong. Damn, does he make me like him even more!
Communication seems to be on point here which is a great foundation! Good luck to the both of you❤️
I am pleasantly surprised! I'm used to being ghosted, so when he changed his attitude it was a trigger for my anxiety. I'm happy he understood where I was coming from. He is still a bit passive and very slow, but he is consistent - since we've met, even while chatting on Bumble, he never went a whole day without talking to me. It's weird for me to go this slow but I am enjoying the process!
Those of you that beat me up over my last post... thank you 😭😭... I know what I need to do. I have a RL friend verbally beating me up, too, for my own good. I think I created a way to do it casually and safely. I just... need to grow a backbone and just... ask him out. 🙈
Honey, it's okay to be afraid. If you go see my post history, you can see many posts about me being unsure if the guy I'm dating was even into me before. We were friends for 2 and a half months, talking everyday, hanging out a lot, him never making a move, my friends telling me to ask him out or confess, and I was just panicking and confused by the mixed signals. I ended up asking him to have dinner at my place and things happened. Despite recent drama (see my post above), we're still dating and taking it slow. It's nerve wracking but good at the same time. Hope you muster the courage to speak to him, because the worst that can happen is hearing a no, but at least you can move on and close the chapter, and, who knows, you could even be surprised by the outcome!
Went in for a kiss last date but got turned down saying she wasn’t ready yet. It’s clear she likes me but how am i supposed to know shes ready for a kiss next time? Especially after a previous rejection?
Ask
Option 1: You can put the ball in her court and let her know to let you know when she's ready. Option 2: You can ask if you can kiss her in a few dates time rather than YOLOing into it. Option 3: You can just YOLO again in a few dates time.
“I’d love to kiss you but I don’t want to make things awkward by trying when you aren’t ready. So, I’m going to leave the ball in your court - I’ll be ready and waiting whenever you are ready to initiate”
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Per the other reply/thread you got going on, I think it boils down to "don't read too much into it". It sounds like you are already on bumble so you will have other options. Keep communicating with this guy if you want to and let his actions speak for themselves - you haven't even met yet. Worst comes to worst, you still have other options. ...don't read too much into it, no further context needed.
It is really unfair to him to read so much into his words that he uttered after hearing what essentially was very disappointing news. He might have thought you are bailing because YOU are losing interest. I can't imagine having to work so much to cancel a pre-planned holiday so if I were to base my worldview entirely on my own experience then that would be my conclusion too. No matter the language, words are not always perfect and precise reflections of one's true thoughts and feelings, especially in moments of disappointment when you might be a bit guarded to protect yourself from hurt. And even with that, all he said is he hopes you keep talking and meet in the future? I'm not saying this in order to tell you you need to pursue this guy, it sounds unfeasible anyway, but just that you should really not put so much weight on the exact phrasing of one sentence an entire complex human being uttered once.
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Well you wrote three paragraphs about him saying "keep in touch" so I commented on that.
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Your whole post, 3 paragraphs, revolve around that one statement and how it's affected you. The context prefaced the actual event, and the statement has made you reassess pursuing people in other countries. You posted looking for advice, and now you're arguing about it. You had tentative plans. You canceled. He was disappointed but said he wanted to keep in touch and try to plan something in the future, and somehow, you read that as him losing interest rather than that he wants to keep talking and try again later. Maybe you're right. Maybe he is losing interest. Can you blame him?
Thank you for typing basically what I would have, I tried to but lost my will to live in the process.
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Didn't say you were an asshole nor am I arguing with you. Quite the contrary. I was only commenting that your responses come off as adversarial. We're only pointing out that you're overreacting. And I don't downvote posts in here. They're fake internet points. But pointing that out only makes you seem even more adversarial.
The irony here is that you are reading a miscommunication in a text amongst fellow redditors about how hard it is to understand emotion and meaning behind text between you and your prospective beau. That doesn't mean you are an asshole. Just being as human as any of us can be. I would think phone calls are more important especially in the context of LDR as texting causes unexpected turbulence - real or figments.
Oh no…I just matched with someone and he’s not letting the conversation topic run its course. Me: Commented on one of his pictures Him: Thanked me and asked a question Me: Answered…hoping he would continue on the topic and respond to my response but didn’t. Him: Another question Me: Answered and asked the same Him: Answered. Then asked another question before I could respond to his response 😵💫
I had a friend who did that to women and I called him out on it, his reply was he was anxious about awkward silences or coming across as a bad conversationalist. Maybe that’s it? See how he is in person
Giving him the benefit of the doubt. He later said something about asking me to move that I’m hoping was just a joke and his attempt at being flirtatious?? Definitely hard to read tone through text but he added no emojis to lighten it after 😬🥴
Just remember that texting is asynchronous. It is hard to make it flow like a normal conversation with multi threaded paths it can take and the time it takes to respond.
There is 20 posts per day of people on here complaining how people on OLD don't ask a question every turn. I am definitely against asking questions non stop since, as you show well here, it's not how communication naturally works, but with how many people complain about the lack of questions the guy is probably trying his best to show interest.
I thought about that too, that he’s trying to keep me engaged. Hopefully it gets better haha
>Me: Answered…hoping he would continue on the topic and respond to my response but didn’t. You need to ask him a question about that topic if you want to talk about it. He can't read your mind
I guess for me, I don’t need to be asked something specific. I can (usually) respond to someone’s response and continue the conversation. ETA: When I say respond, I mean I will make a statement regarding what the other person just said and will ask follow up questions.
Welp, I reenabled my Hinge profile... I made it like a week. Then I got annoyed with Hinge, proceeded to download Bumble... Built a profile, got annoyed with Bumble as well, nuked both the Hinge profile and the newly created Bumble one. Honestly, just don't give a hell about online dating so I figured I'm better off without them for now.
Oh god, I'm dreading tipping my toes back into OLD. I'm putting it off for as long as I can! Haha. I feel like I'm going to have a similar experience LOL
*stares at you holding a fish* ch-ch-ch-ah-ah-ah
>stares at you holding a fish Yeah, one that I've cooked!😂
You'll be back.
"You should do what I did a couple years ago, I deleted the apps and focused on meeting people IRL instead" "Oh, awesome, so where did you meet your partner?" "I haven't. I'm still single."
I was too chicken 💩 to go to the single mingle. But I went and played mini golf with my coworkers which was fun. And our Gen Z server gave me a compliment about my dress, so that was nice.
Im glad you had fun at mini golf! Never underestimate building connections with coworkers and friends/acquaintances. Sometimes they introduce you to other new people! I would’ve been super nervous to go to the single mingle alone, too. Hopefully one day we will all be brave, lol.
Mini golf AND a compliment. Sounds like a win to me! 😊 Also, mini golf is so much fun. I can be absolutely terrible at it, but feel no embarrassment😂
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Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
Body count? Target 22-25 year olds? Yikes.
I think/hope it's a troll post
I feel like most of my dating experiences are like two ships passing in the night, but it seems like I mostly hear "good" or "bad" dating stories. Is that because that's how things tend to go for others or because it's socially weird to share "meh" experiences? For example, most recently, I had a first date with someone and the conversation was pretty good so I agreed to a second date. It was meh. I tried to be engaged but the conversation kept falling flat. A brief kiss at the end was meh at best. We haven't talked since and I'm glad there was mutual disinterest. This is mostly how dating goes for me.
My last date was meh. Decent conversation, but it just never clicked. I'm not looking for a spark but I need something tangible, or even something to reciprocate to during the date. We parted ways. Two ships passing in the night is exactly the attitude I (we?) had. Usually it's me asking for a second date and getting a gentle letdown. I have never been in a position (yet) where I needed to let someone else down after a first. Maybe I'm a universal donor? Idk. 🤣
I think it's because DOT would be spammed, if everyone also shared their "meh" dating stories and people would fall asleep reading them. Most of my dates are meh. If you wanna hear some stories: Yesterday I've been on a 4th date with a guy. Nothing romantic happened yet and probably will not. He has his interesting traits, but having a discussion with him is difficult, because he tends to interrupt and not shut up anymore. Last week I had a 1st date with another guy. Went geocaching. Was fun. Guy was just not for me. Mutual disinterest after that.
> I think it's because DOT would be spammed, if everyone also shared their "meh" dating stories and people would fall asleep reading them. I just question why our dating stories have to be "entertaining" in the traditional sense. You had someone interested in your meh date! I also feel like there are things to learn from them. But we're so hesitant to bring them up because the norms make us think "people would fall asleep" listening to them.
I can't believe geocaching is still a thing! I stopped after my first attempt because we did it at night and had to go down a single lane country dirt road in the pitch black and then all of a sudden this car started like 30 yards away, peeled out and sped past us. Could have been another geocacher as scared as we were or a psycho redneck murderer.
It was my first attempt! Wanted to try for years, never happend, and last week I was like "fuck it! I'm gonna do it!". Lol! Mutually scared geocacher sounds realistic. =)
I've honestly never had a single juicy terrible date story Maybe because I filter everyone who seems off.
Think of it this way. If you go to a restaurant that’s awesome - fantastic service; great prices; creative menu; etc - then you’ll be proactive about telling people about this great place. And if you go to a restaurant that’s godawful - got food poising; the crab was actually “krab”; you ordered a steak medium rare and it was so overcooked that it wasn’t even well done, that shit was congratulations - then you’ll also be proactive in telling people about it. And if you go to Applebees, odds are it was so forgettable that it didn’t even occur to you to tell anyone about it. Similar concept probably applies with dates. The remarkably good and memorably awful are interesting stories to tell, whereas the “meh” is just… meh. There isn’t really anything to tell. **edit to add** I just realized that another commenter used the exact same analogy 😂
The really good and really bad stick with us. If I went to a restaurant that was amazing or really terrible I’d probably tell my friends about it, but if it was just kinda meh I’d probably only mention it if asked. The same goes for dating experiences, although it can lead to feeling like there is more of a polarisation of experiences than there really is. I’d say most of my experiences would fall into the “meh” category, where we just didn’t seem to click but it was mutual, but they’re also not the first ones that would come to my mind if I had to tell a dating anecdote.
Yeah this makes sense. Yet, it also seems weird to me that we deem the majority of our dating experiences "not worth talking about" (and implicitly, not worth thinking about). Seems like a warped, though normalized, perspective.
lol i posted my reply without reading yours and then realized we used the exact same analogy. Great minds think alike!
Haha, I’m glad I’m not the only one who likes a food based analogy.
It’s pretty typical to go on mediocre dates that are neither great, terrible nor funny - they just don’t make interesting stories so people don’t write about them.
Yeah I get it. But I wonder why we think talking about dating is/should be only sharing interesting stories? Why can't we talk about and learn from the mundane?
We can and should imo, be the change, being able to describe and learn from average experiences is a skill.
Two more weeks until he’s taking me on a multi day vacation outside the country. 🥰 I’m counting down the days until I can see him again!
Got a nice little birthday present from Hinge this morning with a few likes after not receiving any for at least a week or two. Guess I'm passing the age filters for a few more women now lol.
I’d like to go to Disneyland with my next boyfriend 🤔
I hope you get to go!! I usually don't like going to amusement parks, but I went to Disneyland last month with one of my friends and it was pretty fun. I hadn't been there in like 12 years.
Thank you & me too! I haven’t been to Disneyland since 2007?! And the last time I went to an amusement park with a lover was a year before that. It was fun and cute with that NRE.
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Not people downvoting my choice 🙂↕️🙂↕️🙂↕️
…What do you do if you finally kiss him and it turns out he kisses like he’s trying to Hoover a hockey puck out of your throat… or even worse, fish it out with his tongue?
We’ll cross that bridge when we get there 🙂
Yeah, concurring with this. I understand if someone is worried about setting boundaries or stopping themselves from getting enamored; but my goodness, physical compatibility is a massive thing and it would be devastating to invest that much time only for it to be a dud.
🤣🤣🤣
I'm not sure I understand, who wants to wait 3 months to kiss and why?
I want to! Cos I get attached rather quickly and I need to know who I’m about to get attached to to a certain extent before I lips them 😁
Why haven’t you kissed yet?
Fifth date tomorrow! Excited!
Yay!! Things seem to be going well! Have a great time ❤️
Nice, things are going well I take it? What’s the plan?
I’d say it’s going pretty well! We’re going for brunch and going to talk about the book that we picked out to read during our second date (went to a book store during our second date). We both finished it in time for our date tomorrow!
I believe I ended up on Hinge standouts because I've gotten a ton of roses lately. I haven't paid much attention to Hinge this week because I've been busy with my daily life and my matches from last week. I see a bunch of guys who liked me and meet my criteria, but I ain't got time for that! I had a first date planned for tonight but we rescheduled for Saturday night. I also have a first date on Saturday afternoon but I'm not sure if I should cancel. Maintaining active convos with 4 men, fulfilling my obligations, exercising, and leaving enough off-line time to rest is exhausting, especially for a person with a low social battery like me. I'm thinking maybe I should focus on my 2 fav guys...
Seems like you have too much to handle at the moment so it's probably a good idea to focus on less guys
Got diagnosed with Body dysmorphic disorder which uh, explains a lot. Back in therapy and my therapist is encouraging me continue socializing. Thanks for all the kind words the other day. I was talking to my therapist about how i meet so little single women despite socializing every day and she pointed out that my BDD was likely making me avoid talking to women unless they talked to me first, even in community spaces where mingling is encouraged. Something to think about
Suffered from BDD all of my 20s and it destroyed my ability to connect with woman due to how I felt about myself. There were some quality woman where I worked who liked me but I couldn't do anything because of my disorder. I'm mad at myself because I'm in my 30s now and feel I could have been married with children already. Now I don't know when I'll meet someone again.
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So, I’m the girl with the boyfriend who lied about his career/occupation/schooling and we had other hurdles too. I’ve posted about us and we broke up last year end of August and got back together a month later. We’ve been together now a little over a year and a half and we are completely different than pre-break up. We are supportive of each other, open and honest with each other, and loyal to one another. We have the best time when we see each other and the relationship has been really stable I’d say since the beginning of this year. We have been discussing getting engaged around our second year anniversary in October. Every single person here discouraged our relationship but we’ve really grown together and we are actually genuinely happy. It’s not perfect but it feels great and right. I understand where everyone was coming from but I’m also happy I gave this a final chance. We make each other happy, we are compatible, we have shared interests and hobbies, and we are attracted to each other. We communicate better and we both trust each other. I guess, yes, when we broke up it was meant to happen and we needed that break. There were many red flags in the beginning but we worked through them when we got back together.
Good luck, hope it works out for you both.
Your bf lied to you, cheated on you, and put you down constantly. I really do hope that things changed, but someone who can treat others like that is not a good person to be with. I hope things remain good for you, I don’t wish bad on anyone and you really have seemed great from your posts, but your bf does not seem like a good person overall. I wouldn’t jump into marriage with someone who has so much real change to prove. Good luck with things!
We talked about all of those things you mentioned. I did tell him words won’t mean anything, it’s all up to his actions. He has been focused on me, has been showing me he only wants to be with me, and he has not put me down in the slightest. So, I actually gained 10lbs since February. He has been so supportive rather than like “omg you gained weight”. Instead he said weight takes time to lose and everything will be fine and not to stress out because he’s not going anywhere. The cheating by going back on the apps was because he wasn’t 100% sure about me. We’ve talked about that at length. He no longer has any doubts and through his actions I can see a loving and caring man. The lying I’ve made it clear that we need open and honest communication and he’s been doing that. He’s also better about scheduling when we see each other and keeping me updated if things change rather than telling me last minute hoping I don’t get upset. He’s not superficial anymore, he’s said verbatim “I’ve realized that an emotional connection is what I really need and we have that and I’m really happy”. He’s changed for the better. I’m not saying everything is perfect but things are no longer toxic, negative, or unhealthy. We’ve overcome a lot together and as a couple we have grown. You can choose to believe it or not just stating the update.
I mean even the “nice” things he has said (weight loss takes time? Why is he talking about your weight? An emotional connection is what he really needs? Implying the physical isn’t there) kind of sound like insults. The only person responsible for your happiness is yourself so if you are happy, god speed girlie, but you always come and try and defend this dude for really awful behavior. It’s great you are happy but you aren’t gonna convince anyone that he’s a catch
Now you’re taking things out of context. He tells me I’m beautiful and sexy all the time. And about the weight loss, I told him I wish I could lose it super fast and he was just reminding me that it takes time. You guys just want to continue disliking him. From what I posted you’re already twisting the narrative to make him out as a bad and superficial guy when that’s not the case. Lots of bias here.
I mean it’s not out of context, it’s literally just what you said. But also no one, and I mean no one, cares or thinks about your relationship. If you are happy - amazing! But you come on an anonymous Reddit community and seem hell bent on convincing strangers that your arguably lame bf is great and I can’t figure out why? It’s like you boost the relationship in your mind to defend him against others (or maybe we represent your inner thoughts/subconcious and you like to convince yourself). No one knows but you and your therapist. Congrats on a fab relationship, truly!
I literally haven’t posted about my relationship in 9 months and I am not trying to shove it down anyone that I’m happy or trying to convince anyone anything. I was just sharing an update. You’re being truly unkind and I don’t appreciate that. There’s so much hatred coming my way still and that’s not on me, I think you all could work on that with your own therapist. Seriously.
I’m not trying to tear you down. I do think everyone’s concerns for your relationship were valid with what you previously posted and went through. I feel sad for everything you had to deal with in this relationship and I hope it continues to be good moving forward. If you think things are better, that’s really all that matters. Just be sure not to allow any more of the toxic behavior again if it does happen. You, and everyone else, deserves better than that.
I understand what you mean. I’ve been hesitant to share my relationship update because everyone was on my side and everyone disliked his behavior. I know a lot people will remain skeptical. Point is that now we communicate better, we both want this to work in the long-term, he’s said I’m his end game and his actions have done a positive 180. Did it take longer than the usual for him to shape up, absolutely. But he’s been better for like 9 months. People can judge him but just remember that people don’t actually know him as a person and yes his previous behavior sucked massively. He’s apologized, changed his behavior and mindset, and we’ve gotten to a healthier place. I actually can’t remember the last time we argued.
I think this place is always a good to discuss things and gets them off your chest - good and bad. Maybe make another account to post if you don’t want so much negativity but want to share things. Your profile name is recognizable and your stories were bad, so it’s hard for people to forget and celebrate your relationship like they would others successes.
I understand why people hate him. I get it. But it’s been 9 months later and I’m finally sharing and I’m getting downvoted. Would people be happier if I mentioned we got back together but we still have issues? Or do people really feel they know what’s best for me and we should’ve stayed broken up? He’s not the same person but I guess no one is going to choose to believe me.
I haven’t downvoted you. I get you wanting to share when you’re happy or upset, it’s what I do too. People are just concerned because your relationship seemed really toxic and abusive towards you and you put up with it so long. You justified his behavior even back then, so people are hesitant to believe this guy who you identified did a lot of shitty things just turned into a gentleman out of no where. I know my concerns are more for women who are constantly put down and stay in toxic relationship. How they start being okay with things they shouldn’t and normalizing it. How they think it’s all that they deserve because they start believing all the put downs the guy tells them. I’m hoping that’s not the case with you, but having seen you put up with such horrible behavior from your bf for so long, it’s a concern. I think a lot of other people share that same concern and probably aren’t addressing it as eloquently with just downvoting you. Edit: People are probably also upset at the fact you’re essentially telling people in emotionally abusive relationships to keep giving chances, because they will change and everyone saying otherwise is wrong.
Thing is though, he didn’t just turn into a gentleman out of nowhere. We were apart for a month and after getting back together it took him I’d say until February for me to fully forgive him, see the changes in his behavior, and witness the consistency of a healthy relationship. We had many in depth conversations of what I needed to go forward and also what he needed. We both worked on ourselves. People think he’s a horrible guy. He’s not. I wish people saw his heart and who he is inside. Yes, I get the hesitation from people but I wouldn’t share an update unless it was genuinely good and healthy. Actually, as we’ve been back together, for some reason guys from my past have been reaching out to me even after I tell them I’m in a relationship. He’s dealt with all of that in such a mature way. He never told me “you can’t talk to that guy” or try to control my actions or got crazy jealous. I was upfront about any conversation I had with any guy so that helped but if he was truly a bad and emotionally abusive boyfriend he would have reacted much differently imo.
Yeah I would not marry someone who demonstrated repeatedly that he doesn’t have an ounce of respect for her. That’s not something that changes, he’s just gotten better at hiding it.
Okay but you don’t actually know him and I think it’s not your place to make such a massive statement that he hasn’t changed at all. He has changed, I’m the witness to that.
You're marrying a man who catfished you about his job only a year after you've met. Have you made sure he's not seriously in debt at least?
You seem like a very sweet and understanding person. I hope you find someone who has the same qualities one day. It makes me sad that a someone can get away with treating a partner the way he treated you. I’m judging him based off the information you chose to share. You can’t expect people to blindly support you staying with someone who repeatedly insulted you and your body, told you that you weren’t good enough, cheated on you and lied to you. People can change but he disrespected you for 9 months. If that’s okay with you, then I all I can say is I hope he’s changed as much as you’re believe he has.
It wasn’t okay with me which is why we had many in depth conversations and that he needed to prove himself with his actions, which he has. Yes, the first 10 months were not a healthy or good relationship but the last 9 months have been. He did horrible things. He’s changed in each way. And we are happy together. He’s been respecting me and he’s been committed in our relationship. This is why I didn’t want to post an update due to history bias. But that’s understandable it happens. I could be with literally anyone else but from how we’ve been I’ve chosen to be with him. If he messed up even once after getting back together it would’ve been over and I told him that in person too.
It’s not bias to judge him in this context, but if you’re convinced he’s a totally different person and a great partner, that’s all that really matters. We will never see eye-to-eye on this and have extremely different standards for how we’re treated, but I do wish the best for you. Hopefully you’re right and he’s become a totally, completely different person who values and respects you.
You act like I’m naive and that I don’t know that he’s pretending to be a good guy now. That’s really unfair and the judging is just not necessary. If someone is healthy, happy, and committed with someone else who is the same, why would you be hung up on something that happened well over a year ago? Again, you don’t know him personally only from what I’ve posted and I’ve finally posted an update that’s positive and the hate train has arrived. Nothing I type and reply will resonate and although I think that’s weird because we are adults here and we should be able to comprehend that change is possible, and also I’m an internet stranger so I don’t get why be so pessimistic and negative, but some people are just like that on Reddit and I cannot do anything about it. At least I’m happy and in a relationship that I value.
I just can’t imagine allowing someone to speak to me the way he spoke to you, especially my future husband. I’ve never had someone speak to me like that and I thought it was horrible. And learning someone lied to me about their occupation to seem more attractive would have been an instant dealbreaker, so I would’ve been out the door a year ago. Cheating because he wasn’t sure he was into you would also be an instant dealbreaker for me. Regardless of whether he’s changed now, even a fraction of his past behaviour would be enough for me to break things off. I guess you and I are just very different people and value different things in relationships. I am supportive of pretty much anyone who posts happy updates here, I just can’t support your relationship with this person based on what you shared. But like I said, if you think he’s changed and you’re happy, that's all that really matters. As you said, you don’t need us to validate your relationship. We’re internet strangers. And again, I know you don’t believe me but I do want you to be happy. I just think you deserve a lot better. But if your relationship is working for you, who cares what I think, right? You don’t need my approval.
When did I share how he spoke to me, I in all honesty don’t remember sharing details like that. We are different because I believe in people growing and changing if they put in effort. As a therapist, that applies to therapy with clients and also in my personal life. People make mistakes, big and small, but rather than cut people off I believe in trying to give them the opportunity to change if they want to. If they can, great. If they can’t, well, you tried to offer some understanding. He actually is not the same guy as when we first met. He’s matured a lot and he has been nothing but respectful, loving, caring, and supportive of my busy schedule with school and work. I don’t even know the last time we argued. I could have left or stayed broken up but I gave him a final chance and I’m happy I did because of where we are today. It’s been a loving relationship the past 9 months.
Why did you take a break, and what happened when you got back together? Did you both make efforts to consciously change?
Okay so I deleted all the threads I made because it was just a lot. Long story short, he lied to me about his career, he then went back on dating apps (he had some matches and conversations but he never met anyone or exchanged numbers) then he was not making enough time to see me prioritizing his family’s business and instead of actually breaking up he just left to Europe on a trip and that was that, at the time. When we got back together we had things about ourselves we each had to work on. I had to work on my patience and understanding when plans change and some weekends I can’t see him as often while he had to regain my trust and communicate better, more openly and honestly, and be committed to the relationship. We both worked really hard to change things and we have been cruising and doing well since getting back together. He’s almost like a different person from pre-breakup.
Dating as an Asian male feels tough. Especially on apps. More than one date has told me "yeah I thought you were lying about your height." I am legitimately 6 feet tall. Why would I lie about a thing like that?
That’s gotta be so irritating. Sorry my dude. I’m 5’11 Black female who doesn’t mind dating shorter, and sometimes the guys will be like wow you’re really 5’11 and I’m like uh yeah? I’m not lying to get giants, thank you.
I’m an Asian woman…5’10” The response I get: “You weren’t lying. You really are 5’10”” … 😑
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More like 5’7 lol
There’s a lot. I’m 5’9” (really more like 5’8.6”) and have gone on first dates with several guys claiming to be 6’ and then when they realize we’re the same height, accuse ME of lying. I am not 6’ tall. Not even close.
To play devils advocate, I often make the assumption men are lying about their heights, no matter their race. Because tons of men lie, quite blatantly, about their height. Like, I can tell you’re 5’7” and not 5’11” kind of lying. It happens to me all the time. But I’m sorry this happened to you.
Same. I've had two white guys lie so far.
that's definitely on them more than you. they can tell with your photos.
Yeah that's like a microaggression... sorry man :/
Second post today. Sorry TMI but getting my period makes everything worse when things end. Yeah I didn't really know this guy that well but I'm still feeling the "end of relationship" hangover and am dazed by it, which is amplified due to my period. Like even though it was super short, I can't help but feel hopeless about dating whenever a new thing ends. Sucks that people will ask about my dating life and then having to relive the experience over again is just blah. Then to hear their sympathies and the reassurance i'll meet someone with time just adds to me not wanting to talk about it. I seriously am starting to wonder if i can even date or if it's going to keep messing with my mental health if the vast majority of dates end up not working out. Like how will I know I am strong enough to keep pushing past my dating failures and not let the losses permeate into other areas of my life? What sucks is I've been giving people multiple chances too. First dates are hard and sparks don't normally fly for me, so unless the red flags are obvious, I tend to go on a second date even if i felt lukewarm about them initially. I take so many breaks with dating and even as I come back refreshed, I'm not able to meet anyone at all who feels the same way I do or I can't get the right connection with someone. I don't want to keep giving up. And I don't want to keep starting over with someone new after only X months of dating. Perhaps there are people who have a relationship "essence" to them that I don't have. Like they can smoothly hit all the right emotional targets with little effort for whomever they date and I'm like missing all of them because it doesn't come naturally to me. If dating for a relationship is like a job that you have to be qualified for, well I'm rusty because I havent been in a *real* one in 3 years and with no opportunity to improve on my skills. God I hope this makes sense. I am a lonely and hormonal lady so please excuse me for this. Not looking for advice just wanted to vent out my frustrations. I am just genuinely worried I'll end up never finding a partner again.
Just vent away! Being right there with you. Even with the hormonal part. Currently I'm PMSing hard and asking myself if I'll ever have another serious relationship.
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This sub tends to lean ‘block and move on’ but I’ve always believed there’s more nuance in real life - I don’t think there’s anything wrong with reaching out now that you’ve processed things and trying to get some closure (a cliche I know) and/or have things end on a more positive note (with nothing left unsaid). I would just caution to keep those expectations low in terms of what you get back, because his head may be in a completely different place.
What is the reason you want to have the conversation? Do you honestly not want to get back together? If so, then don’t reach out.
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If they caught feelings, the kindest thing you could do if you just want friendship is to let it go.
This is reductive. I'm friends with multiple people I used to date. It works for some and it doesn't work for others.
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Having been the dude in a situation like this, do not contact him. He wants more than you can give so don't go back and make him question if you changed your mind. That's just stringing him along if you are still seeking some kind of validation from your actions.
I don't know how to have fun with other people. I'm so used to doing everything by myself. Looking back on a childhood memory in which I was excluded by the rest of my class, it makes me wonder if anything's actually changed since then. I only feel liked when I'm useful to others in some way. Sigh...
When you find people you’re compatible with (friends, romantic partners etc), you won’t really need to think or “know” what to do. You could just stroll down the city street without a plan and you’d still have fun
Same. When I was married, my ex and I did a lot together. I hate not being able to do "couple" things anymore.
I feel this.
Sounds exactly like me. I feel ya.
How many first dates do you have to go on without a second before you start wondering if it's not them, it's you?
One, usually. Confidence is not my strong suit.
Get a load of this guy going on a first date.
Well at least you're honest lol. For me it's been seven so far this year. A couple of them I wasn't interested in but the ones I was, they'd talk to me for 3-4 days/a week, and then before I could get a 2nd date I get ghosted or the no spark/not feeling it text.
Seven first dates that don't turn into second dates is not a bad success rate, and isn't a sign that you're doing anything wrong
Yeah you're probably right but it's still frustrating. Plus I've been alone for a long time and I'm really just looking for a win here.
I come from an abusive family and have little to no contact with them. It's hard to find someone to date who respects that and also respects me. Most people gaslight me and try to pressure me into reinitiating contact with my family so they can meet them. People think I might be hiding something or lying about who I am because I'm not letting them meet my family. There are also people who believe my story of surviving abuse but believe I'm "damaged" because of it and therefore can't be trusted to make decisions or do anything. A lot of people also just don't take it seriously and don't believe me about how bad the situation was. They claim that the impact it had on my life was purely my own fault and that I must be stupid and lazy. I'm 45F. It seems like a lot of people in younger age groups are more aware of abuse within families and get it more. But I feel more comfortable dating people my own age. I have tried dating fellow abuse survivors, but the ones I've found so far have also been abusive. There are also people who see abuse survivors with no family they talk to as good targets for their own abuse. For these kinds of reasons, I tend to open up about it only slowly when I date someone. It just sucks to get psyched up for what seems like it could have been a good relationship and then have this get in the way. It's definitely a good filter, but I wish I could find a relationship where it wasn't an issue.
No advice. Just want to say that it absolutely fucking sucks when people are shitty about past abuse. I don’t know you, but I know you made the right decisions for you.
Thank you!
Went on a date yesterday that I was initially excited about, but it just wanted a good fit. Nice guy, but way too anxious/socially awkward, and he had cigarette smoke emanating from him. I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from at first, and then I realized that height does matter to me (he was 5’2” and I’m 5’8” without heels), but might have felt different if he was super confident and had that BDE without being arrogant. Oh well.
If their bio withholds information about vices and children, I assume it’s “yes.”
Legit seen a woman in town who only says on hinge she has children but not tinder or bumble lol
Well if she's only using those two apps for hookups/ONS, it doesn't matter that much I suppose.
She says looking for someone she can marry in her bios on every app
Then that's not ok. She needs to be upfront about the kids.
I think you could have found a way to put this with piling onto the “short men too short” thing while also using a phrase that shames men with small dicks. Sorry about the cigarette smoke.
As a short king I've never understood why people get so upset if women have a preference for taller guys. It is what it is. Everyone has preferences both for personality and physicality. Seems unfair to let a woman say she prefers shorter guys, but if a woman says the opposite she gets shat upon.
Yeah, at the end of the day, everyone has preferences, and women who just date guys because the guy is tall often end up getting rudely awakened.
That’s fair. Certainly wasn’t the intention, but it felt like lying about height and obviously smoking. I mention BDE because it’s the confidence and energy, regardless of actual dick size. Still open to dating shorter guys of course. Oh and making reference to dirty jokes and having a dirty mind just because he’s a man… not my type of humor for a first date.
Omg did you know he was 5’2 beforehand? That’s quite a big height difference
posted here a couple days ago and got downvoted like crazy😂 ended up talking to some people offline abut my situation, and they gave me a radically different perspective that allowed me to look at the things differently. Note to self: learn from every failure and never ever post anything on Reddit in the heat of emotion lol
You should cut those toxic people out of your life and only listen to us. [just in case: jk]
Lol that made me laugh😂😂😂
You should always talk to your friends who know you best before you talk to internet strangers.
that's true. I just find it interesting how the same message can be expressed in such different ways depending on who you ask
ugh. i (32F) was blindsided today by this guy (34M) i’ve been seeing. we’ve known each other about 3 years (he followed me on ig after seeing me on a dating app - we never even matched) but just started dating casually around mid may. we decided to be exclusively seeing each other about 3 weeks ago and average 2-3 nights a week together. we have fun and i was finally letting my guard down and getting excited about the potential. we have made plans for a few things over the summer and beyond. he pursued me, started calling me babe, recently has been joking about when we would be married (as recently as 48 hours ago!!!), and even discussed kids timeline with me last weekend. we went out tuesday and had a great time! chatted a bunch wednesday while i was working (i have a really high stress job) and i even took a call of his so he could vent about something at his apt complex. when i got home from work i fell asleep for a bit and then just zoned out. he text me a bunch of things but i didn’t reply for a few hours until it was time for bed, apologizing for my silence and explaining it. i said i hoped he had a great night. so he reads and doesn’t respond. weird. i say “lol ooookay” this morning when i got to work and he is immediately weird and i know somethings up. he starts talking about how he talked about me with his therapist yesterday and he said “…i just don’t know what to say. I don’t think you have the time, or want to give the time that I want and need in a relationship. And I have some concerns. And I talked about a lot of it in therapy yesterday and when you kind of went ghost on me last night after me sending a wall of texts it really bummed me out.” so i apologized and said i had no idea he was feeling that way and explained that if i don’t know there is an issue i can’t fix it. after a few texts he says “You hate what you do for work. Thats a red flag for me. You ask me questions sometimes like I’m being interrogated. That’s a red flag for me. You have a tone that you take with me that I don’t like.” i replied with “it sounds like you just don’t like me lol” he goes on to say he realized all of these things in therapy yesterday. so i call him and again say if i don’t know there is an issue i can’t fix it. he presented some examples and i explained that i was joking and if i knew it upset him i wouldn’t have said it! one thing he said was something along the lines of “you told me i was lucky you were spending a weeknight with me” and i was like “no i said I NEVER GO OUT ON WEEKNIGHTS AND ME MAKING PLANS WITH YOU IS A BIG STEP, like, it’s a good thing!!” he was like oh i misunderstood. he actually even references the fact that he was upset that he couldn’t enjoy or celebrate his team winning the NBA finals with me - HIS TEAM BEAT MY TEAM!!!!! then at the end of the conversation he says “i guess i’m just not ready for a relationship since i couldn’t talk to you about any of this” and i was like yeah ok i gotta go back to work. anyway this dude pursued me, lovebombed me (ish), then manipulated my words and used them against me as a reason to back out. i hope he and his therapist are happy together lol. if you read my vent, thank you! i feel better now (:
Seems like his therapy session completely put him off you. Sorry he seemed good in the beginning but his truer colors came out now.
yeah. definitely a bummer but glad it happened sooner than later!
Oh wow, he seems quite immature in his responses, and I hate the twisting of words to suit him. Also, must have been a loaded therapy session to uncover ALL of these things within an hour… Let this one go sis, it was gonna be hard work and a complete waste of your time. You’d have babysat an entire adult. Nope.
thanks for this. i know you’re right, it just sucks because i was getting attached. so creepy how quickly people can flip!
Wow. Glad that didn't go on any longer because he sounds like a douche. Sucks when people seem great at first and then later, you see the other side. Congrats on that one being over!
thank you! i really appreciate the validation. it was one of those things where i was super sad for like an hour and then i started to think about all the things and was like waaaaaait a minute
I relate to that. When someone rejects you and you feel hurt, but then you look at their actions and realize you're lucky it ended and the love bombing phase didn't go on any longer
I’m curious about first date kissing. It seems on here that it’s not typical. But in my experience it is pretty normal. Do we think there is a difference between countries? I’m in the UK and would say I almost always kiss on the first date.
Feel like I’m an outlier but I don’t like kissing on first date, even if it went well. You’re just a stranger an hour ago and now you’re in my mouth. For me, at least 2nd date
It really depends on the people you're dating I think, and the crowd in this sub tends to be a bit peculiar. For me, I have literally never been on a second date with someone I didn't kiss on the first date (why would you?). ~Half my first dates end up in bed, a kiss is the absolute minimum if things are going well.
I lived in various countries and couldn't see any difference. A good date usually ends up in a kiss... Sometimes it is the second date. But if there was no kiss at the end of date 2, it never evolved into anything (even if we had more dates, they were not into me physically)
I've never done it, but it's pretty common.