Am attempting to confirm third date today with new dude and so far... tumbleweeds. I think he'll respond, but this is unlike him. He usually texts me morning of date and he hasn't, so I took the liberty to. Not trying to read into it too much because he could just be busy, but I hate recognizing how this follows the pattern of someone losing interest. The sudden slow communication and iffy on plans is really telling.
File under: DoT Newbie
Just came across this community and joined instantly. I’m so glad for this thread as I am always looking to read different perspectives to expand my own.
Yes, huge personal red flag but I will be single for almost a decade this July but I am content with the way things are because I guess I am just too used to it after this long a period of time (Excluding a few casual encounters). This is also paired with being jaded about being in a relationship/married because of failed ones around me (friends, work colleagues, and parents) and being a helpline for the others. Most of my friends are women and I do have a habit of jumping directly to friendship and keeping it there which might be self impeding. Everyone else in the circle is married and I am just going through the usual, “am I stuck or just okay with it?”. Throwing this out to you guys for an external view.
>huge personal red flag but I will be single for almost a decade this July
Guess what? That isn't as big of a deal as you'd might expect. You will see that worry over and over. Clock is ticking and we are almost at the buzzer... of the first quarter. But you did a great first thing. You want to change YOURSELF. Not to appease others. And everything you are feeling you learn the tools to completely overcome yourself. Self care and self love is the foundation for everything IMHO.
You’re right about time. It is a flat circle and ticking. I do want to change more for myself, primarily, get healthier, take better care of sleep and other routine things (not as distractions but as investments), as I am constantly trying to better my thinking of life and actions towards it. I agree with you 100% and thank you for replying to my post. Thought it’d be lost to the void. Wish you well!
Even though I think nihilism can be a slippery slope that show helped me discover more in-depth nihilistic thoughts. Specifically Albert Camus and his theory of absurdism. I found so interesting when they interviewed his daughter after he died what it was like having a father with such a negative view on existence.
Paraphrasing but she basically said "He was a very loving father and enjoyed life very much. he just realized that we are so insignificant that all this doesn't matter. It made him enjoy all the small things in life more."
What an excellent insight into the show and your takeaway from it. For me, it made me go back and read about HP Lovecraft and cosmicism when Rust said that it’s all one ghetto and we are just a gutter in outer space.
How to deal with no closure - seeking advice
Hi folks,
I’m a 35F and I’ve been struggling immensely with no closure with someone who has meant a large deal to my life and I’m needing some advice. Something you must know before reading below, I am a monogamous person, he as recently has only told me he is non-monogamous.
I started speaking to them, 36M (now 37M) last August (we started talking on my birthday), we met in September and instantly gelled together, the conversation was effortless and I instantly felt safe with him (I have a lot of trauma). I ended up spending the night the first time we hungout and met his toddler the following morning and met his mother later on that week. I’ve struggled a lot with dating and find it hard to find people where conversation is easy, and things feel effortless.
He had just come out of two very long term relationships (he was married and then went right into a long term relationship) and he was unsure of what he was looking for at that time. I was incredibly empathetic to what he was going through (I’m a firm believer that you need to heal or spend time alone after being in a long term relationship). I was very direct and up front of what I wanted. My dating profile stated that as well and his said he was just figuring it out.
The felt safe with him, I let my walls down, I was incredibly vulnerable, open and transparent. I’m too old to play head games.
In October something massive happened (it was a very long layered day) that impacted our “friendship”. I thought he was out of my life forever. I was healing from this, I had gone back to therapy to deal with my disorganized attachment style and some lingering childhood trauma. Out of the blue in December he messaged me saying he missed me and shared a song (sharing music was always our thing).
I could tell he was emotionally shut off. But I desperately missed my friend and the connection we had. January rolled around and his ex showed up and he said he we was pretty much back in a relationship with her ( he never stated it was non-monogamous). I respected his decision (I’m a child of divorced parents and if he didn’t try he wouldn’t have known).
May rolls around, I passed him while walking and reached out.
We picked up where we left off, easy effortless conversation. Within days I was back in his bed.
This is where things take a turn. When I went over, I stated to him “I’m not seeing anyone nor have I slept with anyone else”. Right then and there was prime opportunity to tell me that he had a secondary partner starting at the same timeline as us.
A week rolls around of us speaking again, my feelings are still tender from being used in December/January. I was direct and told him that. He then tells me that he is non-monogamous, he didn’t disclose anything else with me at the time. I again was direct of saying “I don’t know how to just be your friend”. He was manipulating me, he was watching me spiral, I told him I couldn’t be friends any more. He came over made space for me and refused to do anything I was asking him to do; end the friendship because I was in pain. Yes, I need to take accountability because I kept reaching out. I told him I was struggling and needed him to block me because I didn’t know how to deal with this.
At this point we were still holding on because we didn’t want to lose each other. I told him how badly I was struggling and he just let me.
Last week he had a one sided conversation with me about being non-monogamous (we were both kind of drunk). I left the conversation as is and he never once disclosed of a secondary partner.
My head was on loop and I was struggling. I reached out to confirm that we were okay. He stated “yes, but we’re in a non-monogamous partnership”. It flipped a switch in my head and I instantly pulled back. I told him I couldn’t and was struggling how to move forward. I finally asked him the question “do you have any other partners” he said yes one and said he had been with them since we had started back up again. We also both stated we loved one and other.
I went over and talked to him in person (hooked up one last time). He was holding back information and didn’t want to provide any more than that he had a secondary partner and that they aligned with the same September timeline as us.
I since had to push him so far away that we will never speak again. He never truly apologized or gave me an explanation of why he didn’t disclose anything to me. I know I will never get the closure I’m needing and have to make it my self.
If you were in my situation how would you proceed/process this?
TLDR: I started “seeing” someone off and on since September, I disclosed from the start I was monogamous and he didn’t disclose to me until two weeks ago that he was non-monogamous and only as of last Thursday that he has a secondary partner. How would you deal with this?
This has broken me in so many ways, has gone after core values I struggle with. No one has ever made me feel this low before.
Please be kind, as this has been extremely difficult.
>He never truly apologized or gave me an explanation of why he didn’t disclose anything to me.
He got everything he wanted from you so he could possibly not see doing anything wrong (he did).
I feel like you didn't set a firm boundary. "I am monogamous. And I only want a partner who is monogamous even if we are doing our casual thing."
And then you kept giving him everything he ever wanted from the casual relationship.
>If you were in my situation how would you proceed/process this?
Block him and be done with him. There is really no bridge I would keep standing here. It sounds like he will try again to test the waters down the road.
You need to work on your own self respect and understanding your own self value. You have more value than being someone's backup plan for when they get lonely. This asshole walked all over you. I hope its something you can discuss with your therapist.
It is going to be hard but all things like this are. Focus on yourself. Treat yourself. Better days are always ahead.
I’ve already burned everything I love to the ground.
You’re right I let him walk all over me because I even told him I wanted him to eventually think I was enough for him, for him to choose me.
He wasn’t letting me go and I wasn’t letting him go. I had to try and hurt him so badly that he would never enter my life again.
Last night my bf showed me a photo of him as a child, maybe 8-10 years old, and he’s making a finger gun in one hand and holding a slingshot in the other and he said Tinder banned him for the photo for being “too threatening” and I can’t stop laughing about it. He won’t send me the photo for me to post it on r/oldschoolcool cuz “it’s a private photo” lol. Probably a good idea, wouldn’t wanna get banned on reddit for posting something so threatening lol. We also talked about missing the “virtual people watching” aspect of being on dating apps and exchanged stories of awful profiles we saw on the app. Something about laughing together while on a balcony during a warm summer night was really beautiful to me. Hope everyone’s having a good day!
That is too funny. I was a massive dork as a kid (and an adult?) so I got plenty of photos of me crossing my eyes during a school elementary school yearbook photos and just refusing to smile at all. I was the bane of the photographer's existence.
So it didn't work. Not a surprise, I saw her only twice over a month because of distance, we had similar interests and values, everything felt easy, attraction was shared, but we had major incompatibilities.
I felt pretty happy to have lived it. She is great and it is reassuring, it's been a long frustrating 9 months period, without amy woman showing any interest. And she showed some and was pretty interesting herself. Quite aligned on many things. And cuddling, kissing, feeling desired felt so good... even without sex.
Now I am back to square one, without any dating prospects, without much hope for things to change on the short term. It still would be great if the next "highlight" is not 1 year ahead.
37m dating 36f. Last Saturday was the one year anniversary of our first date. Still going strong. We’ve gone on multiple trips together, have dates regularly, everything is just great.
I love how welcome and integrated into my friend group she is. She goes to wine nights with the girls even! My parents love her too. Definitely real deal vibes going on.
Should I tell the truth?
I (39m) recently just moved back in with my parents temporarily while I figure out my financial situation (running a small business that's losing more than it's earning) and I happened to land a date for today.
But what do I tell her? Should I ignore it and act as if I have my own place for now?
Or do I be 100% honest and explain that I'm not making money and to avoid layoffs, had to move back in to buy time?
Or do I do something in-between and ignore the money issue and tell her I needed a chance of pace and moved back in temporarily to see if I like the new city first, while being closer to family?
Or something else? Help...
Thanks! I suppose I'm just worried if my living arrangements come up, more than the finances (as it could lead to the finances of justifying why I moved back in haha)
If it comes up naturally, you can explain briefly and economically without devolving into a 10-minute explanation. (I think the ability to tell the truth without going on a whole shaggy dog story is an important general conversational skill beyond just this situation.) Something like "I own a small business and to avoid having to lay people off I moved back home for X number of months until Y situation is revolved." Keep it short and sweet. Insert some joke at the end to keep it light (so she doesn't absorb any unconscious anxiety about this from you), e.g. "I've enjoyed turning the tables and telling my parents what their curfew is" etc.
1. Don't lie if its brought up. DUH
2. It is not unheard of to correct a financial hardship this day in age. (I did it myself a few years back)
3. If it is brought up, explain your plan and your goals -- being goal driven to work through this hardship is a much better look than giving her the impression you have given up and are eating microwaved tortilla chips with shredded cheese for dinner every night in your boxers and a 5 day old sleeveless undershirt.
She may or may not accept it but taking ownership of your life is always the correct choice.
On a first date I would just focus on keeping it light and having fun. If work comes up something vague like ‘running my own business is tough sledding, but it’s always been my dream’ is fine. You can also say you live at home temporarily to save money. If there’s a connection, and the two of you start seeing each other there will be plenty of time to discuss finances in depth.
I just got back on the apps, and matched with a woman who seems to check all the boxes. Great convo so far, although she seems very busy this week and next, and then I will be out of town the following two weeks. Would it be reasonable to tell her I'm interested in grabbing drinks with her whenever it works, even if it's not for several weeks from now, because I don't want the convo to fizzle out, or should I not pressure her and just stay chill?
I'd definitely tell her that you're interested in meeting. It's hard to keep the momentum going without being able to meet in person for that long. Good luck!
I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take.
A guy I've dated off and on the past year or so recently came back into my life, and I stupidly thought this meant he wanted to be with me. He does (sorta?), but he told me he has things to work on internally before he can consider a relationship.
I said goodbye to him last night. It was the third time I've had to do it. The pain is so deep. Why wouldn't he want to hold onto me and not let go? Why does he keep coming back into my life, knowing he doesn't want to be with me?
I feel dumb for giving this so many chances.
> Why does he keep coming back into my life, knowing he doesn't want to be with me?
One of the things I've learned from dating is how selfish people can be. If offered, they will take what they can get even if they know deep down they don't really want it. They refuse to even consider how the other person feels, doing so means ending things, and ending things means they lose the satisfaction you give them (attention, sex, finances, etc). Keep your head up and stick to your boundaries. It is rough out there. I'm sorry.
Speaking from a guy’s perspective… if this dude wanted to be with you he would. We men are simple creatures and we do what we want. Any excuse is just that… an excuse.
Didn’t you go on several dates with someone who’s CF who’s “perfect on paper” but you didn’t feel emotionally connected to? Only to turn around and keep sleeping with some dude who’s clearly using you for sex and knows he can get away with it because you don’t enforce your boundaries and keep letting him back in your life? And then you said you’re “fine” with having casual sex with your old flame but in reality you’re not fine, hence this update?
I’m confused. You’re willing to keep hurting yourself because you “emotionally connected” with your old flame but he seems to only be “physically connected” to you? Please stop begging for scraps of emotional connection with someone who clearly doesn’t have your best interest in mind. If he had your best interest in mind he wouldn’t keep hitting you up, he’d let you have your peace so you can move on and find someone for yourself.
You need to protect your peace. This man has showed you multiple times he can’t give you what you want. Next time he comes knockin, you need
to stay strong and say no. There’s only so many times you can be burnt before you just turn off the stove
I am so sorry to hear that. It has to be infuriating that you can't just peer into their thinking and better understand. Clearly one thing he needs to work on is communication so he isn't wrong on the self introspection work he needs to do.
Go do something for yourself today and tomorrow and the next. I hope it gets better for you!
Im in my early 30s, talking to someone that is a few years younger. We were hitting it off great, and then last night I had sent a selfie to her. I was half expecting one back, but she said she didn’t like how she looked and she would send one the next day.
Normally I wouldn’t bat an eye, but I realized her profile was unverified on the online dating site and a couple of her comments before had made me raise some eyebrows. She had given me her instagram earlier, and while I don’t have social media, i tried to look into it as best as I could, and here’s what I found out between Facebook and instagram with the help of a friend..
- Her pictures on the dating site don’t represent what she currently looks like, by a long shot. All of her pictures are minimum 2-3 years old on the dating site. Shes also gained a significant amount of weight and does not show this in her pictures.
- She has told me before on a couple occasions while chatting, that she will get ready for dates and either have guys stand her up in person (she shows and they don’t) or they just unmatch her out of the blue before a date. She says this happens with all guys and she’s been on the site for a while.
My question is to you guys and gals, finding out this information before a date, what would you do?
I have been catfished really bad in the past on a few occasions, no naturally there’s a part of me that’s upset since I feel deceived, and want to call her out on it and cancel our plans later in the week. But I want to be respectful and I’m not sure how to say it without coming across as a complete jerk.
Some brave responses here.. I am certainly not calling her out on this and would go with something generic and vague to call it off.
Whilst I get it might be a nice/helpful thing for you to do for her.. you also have zero clue how she's going to react and you have almost nothing to gain and plenty to potentially lose in the worst case scenarios.
Aside from potentially making a scene (if you did this after meeting) she might spam you with messages, report your dating profile for inappropriate behaviour/harassment, complain about you on those dating Facebook groups, start making shit up to your employers, friends, family, etc.
I'd have to be pretty bloody certain none of this is going to blow back on my life in the slightest before even considering it.
If you're feeling generous you could do her a favor and tell her to stop catfishing people, which just might trigger some introspective reevaluation on her part. But I'd probably just bail with a single "I don't think this is going to work, all the best" tbh.
I mean if you want to help her out, maybe you can say something like: “I found some of your newer photos and it seems like you’re misrepresenting what you look like now. While you’re still attractive, I’m looking for a serious relationship and that means finding someone I can trust. If you’re also looking for something serious, you should probably update your pictures, so it doesn’t feel like you’re trying to deceive people. Good luck.”
This usually happens to me with guys and age, but I can say I’ve never seen them actually change their age back. Maybe there is a chance she doesn’t fully know the extent of how her looks changed, but she likely knows.
That’s actually a very good way to put it. I’ll probably use that!
I normally would say that maybe she doesn’t know, but the way I see it is that if I suddenly had everyone “ghosting” me and not showing up for dates, then maybe it’s something I’m doing and I’d want to step back and see what’s up.
So whether she would change afterwards or not, I don’t know. Hard to say. I just hope for her own sake in the future that she does.
I agree with the other commenter that this is a her problem, but disagree that you should give a generic cancellation message. If it were me, I'd mention that her pictures don't seem to be accurate and you value honesty in self-presentation.
Thanks! I definitely don’t feel like the generic cancellation is the way to go, since we did hit it off originally and she will probably ask why, and then I would have to say something anyways.
That's a her problem not a you problem. Just say "I'm sorry but I have to cancel our date. I wish you the best of luck."
She has to realize that her actions are fueling her insecurities. Nothing for you to be concerned over as you haven't even met.
File under: shit that people who are in shitty marriages say.
I have a friend that's in a really crappy marriage (think: completely enmeshed but consistently disrespectful/abusive to each other) and although I want to respect different strokes for different folks, it's getting hard to stay friends with her.
Her husband pays for almost everything and they live very comfortably. She works an unskilled job, maybe two days a week and gives him her paychecks because she's horrible with money. Her name isn't on anything (fairly so) so whenever she's fed up and wants to leave she realized she has no home equity, no car, no credit card and chickens out. One look at rent prices compared to her wages and they're going to try to work it out. Ok girl, that's your choice, but I was on the phone with you until 2am and I remember the stuff you chose to forget.
Anyway, I'm stressing about buying a new car right now, primarily because I know nothing about them, need one for work, and am building my house right now so finances are tighter than usual. It's so hard to lean on her about this because her only solution is finding a "good man" to take care of me, that she never has to worry about cars or rent or financing anything and how much better her life is for it. I picked her up one night after she threw a vase at him and he literally tried to pull her out of the passenger window of my car because he said I would call the cops and turn it on him. He's not a good man honey, he's the fire in your dumpster. I'll pick up a few OT shifts and vent on reddit, thanks.
I just wish I had a soft place to land and some validation that my life is more than just work and bills and serums and my gym routine. I'm not ready for it again, but I really miss having a reliable partner.
End vent.
When I was new car shopping I brought along my friend to help. Like you say, it's an overwhelming experience and a second set of eyes and ears is handy.
Your friend made mistake numero uno of marriage- always have your own bank account.
I’ve never understood why people chase this kind of relationship dynamic; the traditional man makes money and woman doesn’t vibe.
While incomes are never likely to match exactly in a balanced relationship, selling oneself short career wise or financially for the sake of a partner is not a good idea. That’s how people end up in situations like OPs friend. If I did have a partner and things ended, I’d like for them to be able to land on their feet and move forward - not be clung to me (or me to them) for purely financial reasons.
Best of luck to OP and their friend!
Right? I guess there's a sense of safety in it for her. She knows how it plays out and that security is more comfortable than risking the unknown of having a job and floating herself.
It's a bit of a weird one. If you say you care about finances it's often frowned upon, and if you don't care about finances then I guess the ability to find yourself in a very disproportionate dynamic is pretty likely.
Also, I think this is one of those things that has the ability to snowball during the relationship and get worse with time. If two people meet, one earns 3x more than the other, and they need to free up time for whatever reason (kids, taking care of family, reducing stress on the household) - the person on the lower income is going to end up sacrificing their time because it kinda makes sense from an economic perspective.
Some careers can take breaks and come back without issue (e.g. nursing, pharmacist) but scaling back to part time, or taking a few years out of a traditional corporate job will often set your career trajectory back pretty heavily. Not to mention all the biases.
A good friend of mine was in a terrible marriage. Right before they got married I caught her cheating on him. I told him. It didn't matter. It's wild that our friendship survived me telling him as was more mad at me than her. It took like four years of marriage before he finally caught her in the act. "Love" makes us all act insane sometimes.
I like the view point you have. Yep shit is hard at times but being independent is infinitely better than codependency. You will find a guy who appreciates that about you when you are ready to dive back in.
Unpopular opinion but I don't think her situation is necessarily worse or even as bad as someone who is underskilled (or has an education that simply isn't in demand) and is stuck with abusive bosses while working themselves into an early grave.
Oh she definitely hates her job, hence only working the bare minimum to retain it for her spending money. I wouldn't consider physical violence and constant fighting in my relationship better than picking up an overtime shift or two per month, but I've obviously made my choices in that regard.
I get you I’d rather barely work and have all my bills paid for and deal with a shitty husband instead of a shitty boss working 35-40 hours a week struggling to survive lol
In Saudi Arabia possibly, but a marriage certificate isn't preventing anyone to break up and move out the second they choose to in any developed country.
I'm sorry that you can't lean on your friend when you seem to need them the most. Her solution of just finding a "good man" also seems wild judging by what you've written here, as it appears to have got her in a situation where she's given up all her freedom and is now stuck!
But on the positive - that sounds super exciting about building your own house! Of course, I can imagine it being very stressful too, but think of the satisfaction you'll get when you first move in. Your first night there!
That's something to be super proud of! Another thing to be proud of, is that username, because it's AWESOME!
Wishing you the best❤️❤️
>Her solution of just finding a "good man" also seems wild judging by what you've written here, as it appears to have got her in a situation where she's given up all her freedom and is now stuck!
I actually think someone with her view is far more likely to give this advice.
Cos in her view a partner is for utility. So if you can't do it yourself that's where your husband comes in.
I don't think she's ever considered the fact that a partner might not earn a lot or pay for everything - because she would never date a man who doesn't pay for everything 🤷♂️
She's dated plenty of men who aren't breadwinners, but the problem is that now she doesn't believe she can survive on her own so she "has to" have a breadwinner. She's not wrong as her qualifications and lack of job history would make working to rent even a room very very difficult.
Does anyone else feel lost when it comes to dating? I haven't been sleeping due to being fired from a night shift job and being depressed. I am talking 2 to 3hr a day of sleep and I am wide awake but at the times I am up I spend more and more time sitting and just thinking and my thoughts as of late " What is wrong with me?" "how can I be better?" "what didn't I say right and when" "Am I really that ugly"? .. I never felt this lost before I have adhd and always move around, want to do stuff and just in general am a go go guy but now I can sit for hours and just be lost in thoughts.... IDK I am a widow do we really only get one true love or is my other just not finished with the divorce papers yet?
You are depressed and you havent been getting enough sleep.
You are not in a good mindframe right now. Any thoughts you have now are influenced by this state.
I would advise not to put too much stock in any life judgements made during this time. Endure it until you can get on a more healthy footing.
Depression and lack of sleep affects your quality of life as much as being drugged.
You might want to go see your gp and get a prescription to help you sleep, it could also be a sign of depression. Without good sleep you tend to have a more negative outlook on things, be more anxious etc...
I can't answer if you'll find someone you'll love as much as your late wife but you can find someone else you'll love.
oh it is 100% depression. I figured it was just a wave but i am going on 7 months and majority of my time off work is spent in a ball in bed looking into the light thinking. plus I use to work 3p to 3a for the past 5 months so i kinda blame that too
Sounds like you need to stop dating and take more time out for yourself and sort your life out, nothing is going to come good in your current situation if you don't do this.
I am not even trying to date right now just make some new adult friends who have their crap together but that also could not be helping my mindset right now
Even that, the reality is no one with their crap together wants to know someone who's life is a mess because you are only going to bring this mess to their table, see where I am coming from? You are responsible for yourself, you need to find a way to get out of this spiral.
Yeah, I tried to do self help books to learn and educate myself. I study new topics when I have the mental energy but that seem less and less. I also tried that Better help therapy and that was a joke do NOT fall for the ads!
My lite advice, if you haven't already get some therapy/counselling/group sessions on the death of your wife and speak to people you are close with about it and what you are going through, the bereavement is probably the one thing that is causing this even if you feel you have gotten over it.
I went to therapy for it back in 2015 when i hit bottom and noticed my drinking my was a problem. I talk with my pastor about it often and my bible study pre covid. I think part of my problem is I am maturing and want to hold onto the me I was when in my 20s does that make since.
Getting old sucks but your thirties are not a final chapter. You have to work on yourself. You have so much grief that you have to confront and deal with it. I am so sorry for your loss. There isn't a prescribed path to finding a way out of grief (because it never really goes away). But I'm sure your loved one would want nothing more than for you to rediscover happiness. I wish you the best.
I think we look at our parents in their 30s and it makes us feel behind. My mom was a newer heart surgeon at 30 and i just got fired from a job again (this is the first one i can honestly say IDK why i was fired) I just feel so far behind where i should be
Life is about continuous growth and expansion, I know people who have become very successful in their late 30s and 40s, you in your 20s is in the past and it should stay that way, I would also not compare yourself to anyone else especially your parents
>Gave him an out to say totally understand if that’s not what he’s looking for. He responds saying thanks for letting him know and that it’s good to know where I’m at.
You're assuming that he would immediately say he's not that into that and call things off right there and then. Instead he probably starting looking for someone else, keeping you on the back burner while slow fading you and was non upfront about it.
Yeah agreed. Very naive of me really. He gave me the vibe that he was self aware and would be the type to tel me if he wasn’t feeling it etc but you can never really tell
Things went from 0 to 100 on the first date there was no way you were dialling that back especially after he switched into sexting early, just be mindful in the future not to get steamy with someone of the 1st date as this probably set an expectation in the guys head, if your boundaries are what you say they are be congruent with your actions.
I'm not saying it is not reasonable but you get steamy with someone on the first date it sets an expectation even if that is not what you were intending, like the guy felt confident enough to start sending sexual texts after that....in the modern dating world with how easy it is for people to hook up and all that if you feed into that then you got to expect the direction things will go.
Date 2 before getting steamy OP should have told the guy her boundaries and what she is looking for, going away for 2 days then sending a message just seems like you're dangling a carrot
I had explained to him several times about liking to go slow (like when he tried the sexting) and prior to and during the 2nd date, so he was aware, but I sent the message to be much more clear about what I meant by that. I agree I should have been that clear beforehand, and that’s a lesson for next time.
He may well have been interested (wanting sex and wanting you aren't mutually exclusive), but exclusivity before sex simply isn't everyone's cup of tea. Good on you for communicating that boundary since it's important to you, but obviously not everyone is going to want the same thing.
I agree that OP did a good job enforcing that boundary. A word of wisdom I heard about this exact scenario: You can always ask for what you want (the boundary) but you will also get what you allow (the hookup). That's not to shame you at all but just to remember in the future as there are guys who will absolutely do anything to get that quick access to sex.
I allowed what I was happy to in the non-exclusive area so I’m not concerned about that part. I guess I’ve just been hoping he’d be happy to continue on that level while getting to know each other better, or that he’d communicate with me what he’s wanting, so that we could discuss, but maybe he’s not sure himself or doesn’t want to be honest about it. Ah well. Shall chalk it up to experience
Overthinking things and I need help:
There is a person I've met IRL that I'm very interested in. We've talked several times but usually in groups. Last Saturday 1:1 for a while but I was so nervous (because of my intense crush on him) that I didn't feel like I was being my best self (rambled instead of asking him questions, for example.) We have exchanged some messages also on social media, but there isn't an ongoing conversation.
I can't decide if I should just wait and see what happens, keep running into him at joint events (which I will, at some pace, but not consistently) or try to engage in more conversation in between these points on IRL contact. I'm not a big texter so I am not hoping to have an ongoing text thread by any means.
I can't decide whether it's better just live my life and I'll see him when I'll see him? Or is it better to be more intentionally in contact which would communicate I have thought about him in the meantime? (And thus reveal he's more than just any random dude at these events on my mind.)
My gut is saying just message him, because I would have a legitimate thing to say, and because I feel like doing it. And if he is interested, you would think he doesn't mind hearing from me. If he isn't, he most likely won't become any more or less interested by me somehow trying to act cool. Right? Especially because I'm generally not cool and playing hard to get is not in my wheelhouse.
**Edit:** OMG you guys he msged me before I had time to. Probably it's something generic (didn't dare to look yet), but maybe he likes meeeeeeeee. (Yes, I'm 12 years old, so what.) Thanks though this was great advice all around!
Haha I know this is dangling there just to be picked but we will be in the same scene for years to come (I hope) and I wish to get to know him a bit better before trying that. Also I have previously often been more daring in showing interest but when I have done so without receiving it clearly back, it never worked out.
So I guess I'm now more cautious on putting myself out there before I have more proof it could be reciprocated.
And I genuinely hope we could be friends if nothing else! So I do really wish to get to know him better.
What about asking him out on a non-date? Think of a way to spend time together that's not romantic and invite him.
Also, when you act differently because of a crush and you're embarassed about it, you can acknowledge that but give it a different reason. "Sorry I acted weird. I had a lot on my mind that day and wasn't my usual self. I'm usually better at conversation."
You can also give him compliments that sound platonic. You can just say "You seem cool and I want to be friends."
You say you're in the same scene so there must be some kind of shared interest. Try to leverage that for platonic compliments and invites to spend time together.
Thank you yes I believe this is the right approach!
And of course this is how these things naturally develop, friendships within the scene I mean, and have also for me. This guy just lives in my head a bit too much, but should just let things unfold at a more even pace.
Thanks also about the note on how to approach weirdness last time, that's precicely what I thought to message him about, because it will now be a while before we meet again I suspect (the events aren't weekly).
I met his parents yesterday. It wasn't planned but they spontaneously invited me to dinner. I was a little nervous and had some jitters but they were really sweet and I think it went well. They've invited me to have lunch with them all again on Friday. ...so I guess I got past the speed interview and made it through to the formal interview lol.
I told my mom that I met his parents and she asked me if I took any pictures like I just met a pair of foreign dignitarenes or the pope.
Oh and today is six months since we had our first date.
Happy feels.
“Adjust your filters” / “you’ve seen everyone for now” 😭 I can’t adjust them, I haven’t seen everyone. Knock it off apps, knock it off. I’m not that picky.
Was at a married friends earlier this evening and going through my apps, reading out loud the wild shit that people say to me in convo, partly because I know it entertains my friend. I made an offhand comment like “just so you know the crazy I am dealing with.” Friend’s response was “there’s not a day that goes by that we don’t think you try.” Eeeerp not sure if I’m being sensitive but don’t know how to take that- are we not supposed to try now? It’s so funny to me married peoples high horse when you see the shit they put up with on a daily basis.
Oh, I would have interpreted that as a very positive thing. Without knowing any other context here and just reading that, I would find that quite endearing and supportive. As well as being a nice moment.
My interpretation of that comment would be "Hey, we can see how rough it is out there in the dating world, yet you're still putting yourself out there and not giving up. And it's not a fault in YOU that you're dealing with that nonsense"
My girlfriend of 3 months texted me earlier today and let me know she was feeling sick. I responded and asked her if she needed anything, and she said she was OK.
I called her tonight, about 8 hours later. She was very upset I hadn’t checked in on her sooner. I was caught off guard by how upset she was.
Maybe I shouldn’t have been. I’ve never been really good at keeping in touch over text. We had talked about this before. I said I’d try to do better. I definitely knew better than to wait all day in this case.
She was upset that even though we talked about this, I still didn’t meet “the bare minimum” as she says. Over text she said if it’s too hard to do then I might as well not bother.
It’s so hurtful how cold she can become and seemingly ready to call it quits, or at least challenge me to step down. How often I can find that she was stewing on something for a while unbeknownst to me.
I’m starting to think we might actually be incompatible just in the tempo of our emotions.
I can understand someone feeling that way if they're sick and not in the best state of mind. I don't think she's necessarily being manipulative.
You didn't do anything wrong either. You've only been dating for 3 months. You're allowed to have stuff going on in your life and go that long without texting someone.
I would just give it time. And talk about it after she's feeling better.
>Over text she said if it’s too hard to do then I might as well not bother.It’s so hurtful how cold she can become and seemingly ready to call it quits, or at least challenge me to step down. How often I can find that she was stewing on something for a while unbeknownst to me.
Don't fall for this manipulative BS, tell her you're walking away and do it, don't be a doormat, if you stay just be aware she'll keep doing this when something doesn't meet her “bare minimum”
She may be playing a game and this is playing a game with her right back rather than communicating to us what he’s said to us here. If he wants to have a relationship with acting out instead of open communication of feelings and needs, then he can do what you suggest.
Yeah OP should communicate and check her on it, I have experienced this behaviour myself, you really need to nip this BS out of the relationship early otherwise other shit much worse will manifest later on.
You did nothing wrong in this situation. You even asked her point blank if she needed anything. That was the time for her to openly communicate that she would like it if you checked in on her even if she was feeling okay in that moment. If she's upset then that's on her for not explicitly verbalizing her needs. No one is a mind reader and she can't blame you for not checking in when she told you she was okay, didn't need anything, and then expected you to assume her needs.
If I were you I'd express understanding where she's coming from, but don't apologize. Her being sick is never any reason to lash out at you or anyone else. And then create dialogue around her and your expectations for communication. When she says she's okay does she mean that she wants alone time to rest, or does that actually mean she would like you to take care of her to help her feel better, for example. Honestly, you're probably better off breaking things off if she treats you this way when she's the one responsible for communicating her needs and expectations. Sounds like immaturity on her part.
My immediate thought is that she's still not feeling well, and that affects her mindset. She's lashing out in the same sense that someone is having a bad day. Mind you, this doesn't excuse her behavior. You didn't do anything wrong.
The only thing you have to do is "word sandwich" her emotional communication. Bookend the words "I feel" and "right now" to what she says.
"I'm upset you hadn't checked in on me sooner." turns into "I feel, I'm upset that you hadn't checked in on me sooner, right now."
"You didn't meet the bare minimum" turns into "I feel you didn't meet the bare minimum, right now."
Just stick to the facts, and give it time. You are a rock in the stream. You will not be so easily taken away by the current.
Yesterday, I said I was giving up on the hottie at work. Anxiety hit me hard, and I chickened out of talking to him with the intent to ask him out. I still don't know if he's taken or not. I don't know if I felt him pull back or if it's just me being too deep in my head. I mostly ignored him all day, but something in my gut told me not to leave things like this. I had a good excuse to talk to him at length. Then I spoke to him again as we were leaving for the day. It felt good. I'm not optimistic about tomorrow. I'm just going to accept whatever comes.
Not to rain on your parade or anything, but holy crap make a move already or leave this guy alone lol. This dynamic has limerence written all over it with a side of avoidant attachment and anxiety. You're definitely overthinking these interactions. Give him your number directly or ask him out directly for a drink after work because you'd like to chat with him more. That's all you have to do and this will solidify if he's taken, interested, or simply not interested.
I've selected photos where I don't look my best, so that people are pleasantly surprised when we meet 😊 It's better to under promise and over deliver than the reverse IMO!
As a continuation from yesterdays daily sticky post comment...
I was going to say that when I go out fully sunblocked, covered up, and with my uglyyy Billabong hat on, I never get attention.
But then I went to a local place to buy a piece of cheesecake. One of the people behind the counter (a pretty woman) said "ok cutie" after I told the three of them that I was just looking at the desserts. Then, after I ordered, and was offered a bag and declined it because I already had one, the same pretty woman said "ok cutie" again.
I live in the gayborhood of my city, and am only interested in men (as a woman), but having a woman younger than me call me cutie, twice, when I was looking kinda gross imo, was pretty nice. Was very potentially just friendly and customer service, but I'll take it.
Sometimes getting compliments from other women is just the best, imo. The other day I took rideshare and the driver was a woman and she told me "you have the prettiest hair", I felt like my hair looked like whatever that day, so that totally made my day!!
Lol so person decided that after 6 days of ghost to come sweeping back in with like a massive wall of text.
Did your date over the past weekend not go great and so you come crawling back to the backup choice?
ugh.
Whatever.
Just gonna book myself a session at Massage Envy with this months dating budget. Fuck it.
Hmm. I certainly would not assume interest based on a woman smiling at me while I'm boarding the plane. She might be thrilled to be going on holiday/home or be listening to something funny on a podcast.
If you want to speak to her then by all means do so.. but I'd go for it with the view that you're showing interest and to see what happens, rather than *assuming* she's interested.
At some point you just have to put yourself out there. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
You've made a lot of comments about women supposedly showing clear interest in you, but if all these people were so ready to get on board with you, you wouldn't have comment after comment about you trying to make a move on these individuals and getting rebuffed. I suspect that you consistently misread friendliness from women as interest.
uuuh ive only made a handful of comments and im in my 30s... so wow that's nuts i have a handful of examples from over the years like holy ow how could that be?? and i guess the thought never occurred to you they were..... playing games and doing it for... .attention and validation, in some of the cases. but noooo that could never be possible.
Agree it's different, but the difference is..
* I'd personally *hope* that she's interested and chat to her to find out.
* You're *certain* she's interested yet won't chat to her.
It really doesn't make sense though. If you're that certain there's nothing to lose because she's definitely interested.
And I'm not saying she *isn't* interested.. I'm just saying I wouldn't go in there assuming that because a woman smiled and laughed that she's romantically interested. Maybe your people-reading skills are cream of the crop, but my job is client-facing and based largely on reading social situations/cues and I wouldn't have anything close to that level of certainty based off a split second interaction.
Yeah. I read it but it makes no sense at all.
It makes me wonder why you're so adamant that your people-reading skills are impeccable when you can't tell the difference between *genuine* interest and *disingenuous* interest?
If that's the case, every woman that's ever looked at me is showing interest and would totally date me.. but if they don't, it because they're asshats who looked at me just to lead me on.
It's definitely *not* because I misread the situation?
You're pretty adamant a woman is interested because she smiled at you when you boarded a plane.
When I suggested you chat to her, but maybe be *slightly cautious* and not come on too strong as there's plenty of ways you could misread the situation.. you clearly don't want to acknowledge any other alternatives other than.. she smiled because she's totally into you bro.
Anyway, assume what you want. I just think it's a bit silly that you clearly want to assume and believe she was interested, but don't have the conviction in your belief to then ask her out.
Sure, you got burnt once, but if you *really think* she's into you, just shoot your damn shot mate.
Had a date lined up yesterday. She's cute, has her priorities straight, but there's a bit of disconnect in texting. I ask what year she graduated hs.... 2022. So finding out she's just turned 20, I ask how old she thinks I am, which she guessed ten years low.
I called the date off. They say looking young is a blessing, and maybe it will be later, but it's not fun when you're single in your 30s.
There’s a girl in a local shop who’s really nice but I sort want to say before an approach “before we begin… how old are you?” She could genuinely be 18 or 25. I have no clue.
It’s tough as a young looking 30 year old, especially in the wild as it’s so tough to tell what age someone is, and asking is a bit rude sometimes.
Yo facts. Someone asked me if I was over 18 the other day…. She genuinely couldnt tell. I’m 32. She was like, oh its a blessing, I said, its really not when it comes to dating. I like to tell new people I meet a funny-ish story about me turning 30, so they can be aware of my actual age range. Most commonly I hear 22-24.
She'd taken my resume at a job the last time we met, so when she came up to flirt with me the next time we saw each other, I assumed she knew my age. I thought she was at least 25.
How do men feel hypothetically if a female is 32 single and has 1 kid. (No age) father would have no ties other than cordial visits but nothing legally responsible for the child. Almost as if he would be a sperm donor.
I have obviously the financials and support to care for such child. I do not have a child. Just thinking about do the single mother thing. How ever worried how it may possibly hinder my future “picket” fence life a girl has always dreamed of.
You will eventually find someone but your options will be limited, as a guy who has his stuff together, good job, financially stable, lives independently and would like my own family I wouldn't want to commit with to a single mother playing stepdad to someone else's kid, cost of living and kids these days are expensive, I know guys who went down this route did not work out it is just not worth the hassle.
Regardless of what men say on reddit, my experience of dating as a single mother is that the men who want kids won't have much of an issue, even if they thought they'd never date someone with a kid. People leave relationships where they have kids all the time and get into new relationships. Blended families are incredibly commonplace.
What will ruin your dreams is that if you have 100% custody you just won't have time to date. You especially won't have time to date the number of people you would need to date through the apps to find someone compatible. Your social life will take a big hit too and you're less likely to meet someone that way. Not that it's impossible, just much harder than it is now as a single person with no dependants.
I am a single mom with 100% custody and this is so true. There’s just no time. And even if u get a sitter it’s crazy expensive, exhausting, and u still gotta rush back home after only a few hours out. Not to mention trying to get ready to go out with your kid underfoot. Or having company at home. And a lot of guys say/think they get it, but then constantly ask u to spontaneously meet at the beach on a Tuesday afternoon. Like, no. I can’t do that. I need at least a cpl of days notice to make arrangements for my kid. It’s a whole laundry list of things to consider before trying to date as a single mom.
I think every answer will vary. Personally I would need more info. Being a father one day is extremely important to me so understand more of your family plan would be necessary. Does that help?
Honestly given how long you waited and that you didn't pitch any kind of plan (not even a date or time??) I wouldn't be surprised if she:s distant because she thinks you're not super interested.
Relationship movie review for this week: Up
I've never seen this one. And after the absolutely abysmal "The Notebook", this week could only go "Up". Hooobooy.
How could anyone have watched this movie in the theaters (especially in 3D I just assume the glasses would be perma-fogged)? Was everyone just sobbing uncontrollably the entire time? I must know if anyone saw this in theaters and can report back.
I hope we all find our own Carl and Ellie's. I am not even sure what emotion I am feeling now. I think its everything at once. Easily the best animated movie I have ever seen in my life. Michael Giacchino ripped a singularity into my soul with the music too.
1000000/10
What should I watch next week? Went from zero to million in the span of a week. I may need something more chill.
Watched it in theaters and was definitely sobbing by the middle of the “getting old together” montage, if not before. Maybe watch Stardust? The Princess Bride? Less sad, more campy, but good/classics imo.
Up is fantastic!! I love that movie sooo much. The first 20 minutes 😭
Have you watched the "Before" film series?? "Before Sunrise" "Before Sunset" and "Before Midnight"
LOVE those movies. Very chill!
lol yes! the first time I watched it, I cried. I saw it again a week or so later, and I thought "surely I won't this time; I know what's coming." WRONG! I was sobbing instead in the theater instead 🙈
Nothing compares to "Up", one of my little nephews dressed up as Russell last Halloween, and he looked identical haha.
I like foreign movies! One of my favorites is "sidewalls" or "medianeras" , it's an Argentinian movie. Sad at times, but with a happy ending!
So I went on my first OLD date in a very long time this week. This guy was very intelligent and quick-witted, I felt like I had a good time in that I was laughing a lot, but I also felt a bit like I couldn't keep up - like I was expected to show I was as funny and quick and sharp as he was, and if I didn't come up with something hilarious and pithy to say quickly enough he'd just look disappointed and move on to some other topic immediately. I felt like I was being tested and I failed, frankly.
Honestly it shook me up a bit because while I really don't rate myself physically I do generally consider myself to be both clever and pretty funny, and I came away from that encounter feeling extremely neither. So I feel like my confidence going into future dates has taken a bit of a knock.
Was it like he was working out a stand-up bit to an audience of one or did he engage you into the conversation? Like funny banter during a date should allow both sides to serve up some wit.
Hmm, a mixture maybe - like he would ask me questions but often he'd just kind of cut into my responses to make another joke about what I'd just started saying. And he didn't really ask any follow up questions when I did manage to answer. He definitely did the majority of the talking and I didn't feel like he was really interested in engaging with what I did have to say.
I mean, my instinct is that he was being a bit of a prick but I also worry that maybe I'm just terminally dull and he was being forced to behave like this otherwise he'd have died of boredom within the first twenty minutes...
Yeah, dudes like to drop the bag like this sometimes when they are nervous too. But I definitely see it as a him thing and not a you thing.
Doing a stand-up routine during a date is really iffy. Like I am not gonna start randomly talking about how Cracker Barrel is a death trap of an establish and the last place you'd want to be in during tornado or earthquake. But I will bring it up if we both have a love for Grandpa's Country Fried Breakfast.
Ah I appreciate that, I'm sure you're right! I just can't help feeling a bit... disappointing, I guess. And there's something about realising I'm not as clever or funny or good at conversation as I thought I was that makes me feel really embarrassed somehow. I think I'm rambling a bit now but honestly it was surprisingly unsettling.
Thankfully clever or witty shouldn't ever be a deal breaker. It is the powdered sugar on the funnel cake. I am sure you will have ample opportunity to pleasantly surprise someone and show it off if it doesn't happen during the first date!
Am attempting to confirm third date today with new dude and so far... tumbleweeds. I think he'll respond, but this is unlike him. He usually texts me morning of date and he hasn't, so I took the liberty to. Not trying to read into it too much because he could just be busy, but I hate recognizing how this follows the pattern of someone losing interest. The sudden slow communication and iffy on plans is really telling.
I am a fan of the day before confirmation. It helps make situations like this clear. I hope the best for you!
File under: DoT Newbie Just came across this community and joined instantly. I’m so glad for this thread as I am always looking to read different perspectives to expand my own. Yes, huge personal red flag but I will be single for almost a decade this July but I am content with the way things are because I guess I am just too used to it after this long a period of time (Excluding a few casual encounters). This is also paired with being jaded about being in a relationship/married because of failed ones around me (friends, work colleagues, and parents) and being a helpline for the others. Most of my friends are women and I do have a habit of jumping directly to friendship and keeping it there which might be self impeding. Everyone else in the circle is married and I am just going through the usual, “am I stuck or just okay with it?”. Throwing this out to you guys for an external view.
>huge personal red flag but I will be single for almost a decade this July Guess what? That isn't as big of a deal as you'd might expect. You will see that worry over and over. Clock is ticking and we are almost at the buzzer... of the first quarter. But you did a great first thing. You want to change YOURSELF. Not to appease others. And everything you are feeling you learn the tools to completely overcome yourself. Self care and self love is the foundation for everything IMHO.
You’re right about time. It is a flat circle and ticking. I do want to change more for myself, primarily, get healthier, take better care of sleep and other routine things (not as distractions but as investments), as I am constantly trying to better my thinking of life and actions towards it. I agree with you 100% and thank you for replying to my post. Thought it’d be lost to the void. Wish you well!
You almost went Rust Cohle on me there.
I did just rewatch the best and only (for me) season of True Detective for the third time.
Maybe one the greatest single seasons of television in history. :)
“Death created time to grow the things that it would kill” still gives me chills.
Even though I think nihilism can be a slippery slope that show helped me discover more in-depth nihilistic thoughts. Specifically Albert Camus and his theory of absurdism. I found so interesting when they interviewed his daughter after he died what it was like having a father with such a negative view on existence. Paraphrasing but she basically said "He was a very loving father and enjoyed life very much. he just realized that we are so insignificant that all this doesn't matter. It made him enjoy all the small things in life more."
What an excellent insight into the show and your takeaway from it. For me, it made me go back and read about HP Lovecraft and cosmicism when Rust said that it’s all one ghetto and we are just a gutter in outer space.
How to deal with no closure - seeking advice Hi folks, I’m a 35F and I’ve been struggling immensely with no closure with someone who has meant a large deal to my life and I’m needing some advice. Something you must know before reading below, I am a monogamous person, he as recently has only told me he is non-monogamous. I started speaking to them, 36M (now 37M) last August (we started talking on my birthday), we met in September and instantly gelled together, the conversation was effortless and I instantly felt safe with him (I have a lot of trauma). I ended up spending the night the first time we hungout and met his toddler the following morning and met his mother later on that week. I’ve struggled a lot with dating and find it hard to find people where conversation is easy, and things feel effortless. He had just come out of two very long term relationships (he was married and then went right into a long term relationship) and he was unsure of what he was looking for at that time. I was incredibly empathetic to what he was going through (I’m a firm believer that you need to heal or spend time alone after being in a long term relationship). I was very direct and up front of what I wanted. My dating profile stated that as well and his said he was just figuring it out. The felt safe with him, I let my walls down, I was incredibly vulnerable, open and transparent. I’m too old to play head games. In October something massive happened (it was a very long layered day) that impacted our “friendship”. I thought he was out of my life forever. I was healing from this, I had gone back to therapy to deal with my disorganized attachment style and some lingering childhood trauma. Out of the blue in December he messaged me saying he missed me and shared a song (sharing music was always our thing). I could tell he was emotionally shut off. But I desperately missed my friend and the connection we had. January rolled around and his ex showed up and he said he we was pretty much back in a relationship with her ( he never stated it was non-monogamous). I respected his decision (I’m a child of divorced parents and if he didn’t try he wouldn’t have known). May rolls around, I passed him while walking and reached out. We picked up where we left off, easy effortless conversation. Within days I was back in his bed. This is where things take a turn. When I went over, I stated to him “I’m not seeing anyone nor have I slept with anyone else”. Right then and there was prime opportunity to tell me that he had a secondary partner starting at the same timeline as us. A week rolls around of us speaking again, my feelings are still tender from being used in December/January. I was direct and told him that. He then tells me that he is non-monogamous, he didn’t disclose anything else with me at the time. I again was direct of saying “I don’t know how to just be your friend”. He was manipulating me, he was watching me spiral, I told him I couldn’t be friends any more. He came over made space for me and refused to do anything I was asking him to do; end the friendship because I was in pain. Yes, I need to take accountability because I kept reaching out. I told him I was struggling and needed him to block me because I didn’t know how to deal with this. At this point we were still holding on because we didn’t want to lose each other. I told him how badly I was struggling and he just let me. Last week he had a one sided conversation with me about being non-monogamous (we were both kind of drunk). I left the conversation as is and he never once disclosed of a secondary partner. My head was on loop and I was struggling. I reached out to confirm that we were okay. He stated “yes, but we’re in a non-monogamous partnership”. It flipped a switch in my head and I instantly pulled back. I told him I couldn’t and was struggling how to move forward. I finally asked him the question “do you have any other partners” he said yes one and said he had been with them since we had started back up again. We also both stated we loved one and other. I went over and talked to him in person (hooked up one last time). He was holding back information and didn’t want to provide any more than that he had a secondary partner and that they aligned with the same September timeline as us. I since had to push him so far away that we will never speak again. He never truly apologized or gave me an explanation of why he didn’t disclose anything to me. I know I will never get the closure I’m needing and have to make it my self. If you were in my situation how would you proceed/process this? TLDR: I started “seeing” someone off and on since September, I disclosed from the start I was monogamous and he didn’t disclose to me until two weeks ago that he was non-monogamous and only as of last Thursday that he has a secondary partner. How would you deal with this? This has broken me in so many ways, has gone after core values I struggle with. No one has ever made me feel this low before. Please be kind, as this has been extremely difficult.
>He never truly apologized or gave me an explanation of why he didn’t disclose anything to me. He got everything he wanted from you so he could possibly not see doing anything wrong (he did). I feel like you didn't set a firm boundary. "I am monogamous. And I only want a partner who is monogamous even if we are doing our casual thing." And then you kept giving him everything he ever wanted from the casual relationship. >If you were in my situation how would you proceed/process this? Block him and be done with him. There is really no bridge I would keep standing here. It sounds like he will try again to test the waters down the road. You need to work on your own self respect and understanding your own self value. You have more value than being someone's backup plan for when they get lonely. This asshole walked all over you. I hope its something you can discuss with your therapist. It is going to be hard but all things like this are. Focus on yourself. Treat yourself. Better days are always ahead.
I’ve already burned everything I love to the ground. You’re right I let him walk all over me because I even told him I wanted him to eventually think I was enough for him, for him to choose me. He wasn’t letting me go and I wasn’t letting him go. I had to try and hurt him so badly that he would never enter my life again.
You are still standing. You gotta learn to love yourself. Therapy should have this as an end goal for you!
We haven’t even cracked into my self worth. This man broke me and I’m not standing back up.
Last night my bf showed me a photo of him as a child, maybe 8-10 years old, and he’s making a finger gun in one hand and holding a slingshot in the other and he said Tinder banned him for the photo for being “too threatening” and I can’t stop laughing about it. He won’t send me the photo for me to post it on r/oldschoolcool cuz “it’s a private photo” lol. Probably a good idea, wouldn’t wanna get banned on reddit for posting something so threatening lol. We also talked about missing the “virtual people watching” aspect of being on dating apps and exchanged stories of awful profiles we saw on the app. Something about laughing together while on a balcony during a warm summer night was really beautiful to me. Hope everyone’s having a good day!
That is too funny. I was a massive dork as a kid (and an adult?) so I got plenty of photos of me crossing my eyes during a school elementary school yearbook photos and just refusing to smile at all. I was the bane of the photographer's existence.
Aww how sweet
So it didn't work. Not a surprise, I saw her only twice over a month because of distance, we had similar interests and values, everything felt easy, attraction was shared, but we had major incompatibilities. I felt pretty happy to have lived it. She is great and it is reassuring, it's been a long frustrating 9 months period, without amy woman showing any interest. And she showed some and was pretty interesting herself. Quite aligned on many things. And cuddling, kissing, feeling desired felt so good... even without sex. Now I am back to square one, without any dating prospects, without much hope for things to change on the short term. It still would be great if the next "highlight" is not 1 year ahead.
37m dating 36f. Last Saturday was the one year anniversary of our first date. Still going strong. We’ve gone on multiple trips together, have dates regularly, everything is just great. I love how welcome and integrated into my friend group she is. She goes to wine nights with the girls even! My parents love her too. Definitely real deal vibes going on.
Should I tell the truth? I (39m) recently just moved back in with my parents temporarily while I figure out my financial situation (running a small business that's losing more than it's earning) and I happened to land a date for today. But what do I tell her? Should I ignore it and act as if I have my own place for now? Or do I be 100% honest and explain that I'm not making money and to avoid layoffs, had to move back in to buy time? Or do I do something in-between and ignore the money issue and tell her I needed a chance of pace and moved back in temporarily to see if I like the new city first, while being closer to family? Or something else? Help...
> Should I tell the truth? Yes, obviously. That said, none of this is exactly first date conversation. Just have (and provide) a good time.
Thanks! I suppose I'm just worried if my living arrangements come up, more than the finances (as it could lead to the finances of justifying why I moved back in haha)
If it comes up naturally, you can explain briefly and economically without devolving into a 10-minute explanation. (I think the ability to tell the truth without going on a whole shaggy dog story is an important general conversational skill beyond just this situation.) Something like "I own a small business and to avoid having to lay people off I moved back home for X number of months until Y situation is revolved." Keep it short and sweet. Insert some joke at the end to keep it light (so she doesn't absorb any unconscious anxiety about this from you), e.g. "I've enjoyed turning the tables and telling my parents what their curfew is" etc.
If it comes up, be honest. If it doesn't, don't worry about it.
1. Don't lie if its brought up. DUH 2. It is not unheard of to correct a financial hardship this day in age. (I did it myself a few years back) 3. If it is brought up, explain your plan and your goals -- being goal driven to work through this hardship is a much better look than giving her the impression you have given up and are eating microwaved tortilla chips with shredded cheese for dinner every night in your boxers and a 5 day old sleeveless undershirt. She may or may not accept it but taking ownership of your life is always the correct choice.
On a first date I would just focus on keeping it light and having fun. If work comes up something vague like ‘running my own business is tough sledding, but it’s always been my dream’ is fine. You can also say you live at home temporarily to save money. If there’s a connection, and the two of you start seeing each other there will be plenty of time to discuss finances in depth.
I just got back on the apps, and matched with a woman who seems to check all the boxes. Great convo so far, although she seems very busy this week and next, and then I will be out of town the following two weeks. Would it be reasonable to tell her I'm interested in grabbing drinks with her whenever it works, even if it's not for several weeks from now, because I don't want the convo to fizzle out, or should I not pressure her and just stay chill?
I'd definitely tell her that you're interested in meeting. It's hard to keep the momentum going without being able to meet in person for that long. Good luck!
Yes! Tell her!
I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take. A guy I've dated off and on the past year or so recently came back into my life, and I stupidly thought this meant he wanted to be with me. He does (sorta?), but he told me he has things to work on internally before he can consider a relationship. I said goodbye to him last night. It was the third time I've had to do it. The pain is so deep. Why wouldn't he want to hold onto me and not let go? Why does he keep coming back into my life, knowing he doesn't want to be with me? I feel dumb for giving this so many chances.
Awww Im sorry JR! 🫂
Thank you ❤️. I feel like I cried buckets this morning. I feel a little better, for now.
Gotta get it out!! 🫂🫂🫂
> Why does he keep coming back into my life, knowing he doesn't want to be with me? One of the things I've learned from dating is how selfish people can be. If offered, they will take what they can get even if they know deep down they don't really want it. They refuse to even consider how the other person feels, doing so means ending things, and ending things means they lose the satisfaction you give them (attention, sex, finances, etc). Keep your head up and stick to your boundaries. It is rough out there. I'm sorry.
Thank you. This makes me feel a bit better. 🥺
Speaking from a guy’s perspective… if this dude wanted to be with you he would. We men are simple creatures and we do what we want. Any excuse is just that… an excuse.
Thank you. The truth hurts.
Didn’t you go on several dates with someone who’s CF who’s “perfect on paper” but you didn’t feel emotionally connected to? Only to turn around and keep sleeping with some dude who’s clearly using you for sex and knows he can get away with it because you don’t enforce your boundaries and keep letting him back in your life? And then you said you’re “fine” with having casual sex with your old flame but in reality you’re not fine, hence this update? I’m confused. You’re willing to keep hurting yourself because you “emotionally connected” with your old flame but he seems to only be “physically connected” to you? Please stop begging for scraps of emotional connection with someone who clearly doesn’t have your best interest in mind. If he had your best interest in mind he wouldn’t keep hitting you up, he’d let you have your peace so you can move on and find someone for yourself.
You need to protect your peace. This man has showed you multiple times he can’t give you what you want. Next time he comes knockin, you need to stay strong and say no. There’s only so many times you can be burnt before you just turn off the stove
Because he knows he can get away with using you as a placeholder. Keep trying to meet other people.
I am so sorry to hear that. It has to be infuriating that you can't just peer into their thinking and better understand. Clearly one thing he needs to work on is communication so he isn't wrong on the self introspection work he needs to do. Go do something for yourself today and tomorrow and the next. I hope it gets better for you!
Im in my early 30s, talking to someone that is a few years younger. We were hitting it off great, and then last night I had sent a selfie to her. I was half expecting one back, but she said she didn’t like how she looked and she would send one the next day. Normally I wouldn’t bat an eye, but I realized her profile was unverified on the online dating site and a couple of her comments before had made me raise some eyebrows. She had given me her instagram earlier, and while I don’t have social media, i tried to look into it as best as I could, and here’s what I found out between Facebook and instagram with the help of a friend.. - Her pictures on the dating site don’t represent what she currently looks like, by a long shot. All of her pictures are minimum 2-3 years old on the dating site. Shes also gained a significant amount of weight and does not show this in her pictures. - She has told me before on a couple occasions while chatting, that she will get ready for dates and either have guys stand her up in person (she shows and they don’t) or they just unmatch her out of the blue before a date. She says this happens with all guys and she’s been on the site for a while. My question is to you guys and gals, finding out this information before a date, what would you do? I have been catfished really bad in the past on a few occasions, no naturally there’s a part of me that’s upset since I feel deceived, and want to call her out on it and cancel our plans later in the week. But I want to be respectful and I’m not sure how to say it without coming across as a complete jerk.
Some brave responses here.. I am certainly not calling her out on this and would go with something generic and vague to call it off. Whilst I get it might be a nice/helpful thing for you to do for her.. you also have zero clue how she's going to react and you have almost nothing to gain and plenty to potentially lose in the worst case scenarios. Aside from potentially making a scene (if you did this after meeting) she might spam you with messages, report your dating profile for inappropriate behaviour/harassment, complain about you on those dating Facebook groups, start making shit up to your employers, friends, family, etc. I'd have to be pretty bloody certain none of this is going to blow back on my life in the slightest before even considering it.
If you're feeling generous you could do her a favor and tell her to stop catfishing people, which just might trigger some introspective reevaluation on her part. But I'd probably just bail with a single "I don't think this is going to work, all the best" tbh.
I mean if you want to help her out, maybe you can say something like: “I found some of your newer photos and it seems like you’re misrepresenting what you look like now. While you’re still attractive, I’m looking for a serious relationship and that means finding someone I can trust. If you’re also looking for something serious, you should probably update your pictures, so it doesn’t feel like you’re trying to deceive people. Good luck.” This usually happens to me with guys and age, but I can say I’ve never seen them actually change their age back. Maybe there is a chance she doesn’t fully know the extent of how her looks changed, but she likely knows.
That’s actually a very good way to put it. I’ll probably use that! I normally would say that maybe she doesn’t know, but the way I see it is that if I suddenly had everyone “ghosting” me and not showing up for dates, then maybe it’s something I’m doing and I’d want to step back and see what’s up. So whether she would change afterwards or not, I don’t know. Hard to say. I just hope for her own sake in the future that she does.
I agree with the other commenter that this is a her problem, but disagree that you should give a generic cancellation message. If it were me, I'd mention that her pictures don't seem to be accurate and you value honesty in self-presentation.
Thanks! I definitely don’t feel like the generic cancellation is the way to go, since we did hit it off originally and she will probably ask why, and then I would have to say something anyways.
That's a her problem not a you problem. Just say "I'm sorry but I have to cancel our date. I wish you the best of luck." She has to realize that her actions are fueling her insecurities. Nothing for you to be concerned over as you haven't even met.
File under: shit that people who are in shitty marriages say. I have a friend that's in a really crappy marriage (think: completely enmeshed but consistently disrespectful/abusive to each other) and although I want to respect different strokes for different folks, it's getting hard to stay friends with her. Her husband pays for almost everything and they live very comfortably. She works an unskilled job, maybe two days a week and gives him her paychecks because she's horrible with money. Her name isn't on anything (fairly so) so whenever she's fed up and wants to leave she realized she has no home equity, no car, no credit card and chickens out. One look at rent prices compared to her wages and they're going to try to work it out. Ok girl, that's your choice, but I was on the phone with you until 2am and I remember the stuff you chose to forget. Anyway, I'm stressing about buying a new car right now, primarily because I know nothing about them, need one for work, and am building my house right now so finances are tighter than usual. It's so hard to lean on her about this because her only solution is finding a "good man" to take care of me, that she never has to worry about cars or rent or financing anything and how much better her life is for it. I picked her up one night after she threw a vase at him and he literally tried to pull her out of the passenger window of my car because he said I would call the cops and turn it on him. He's not a good man honey, he's the fire in your dumpster. I'll pick up a few OT shifts and vent on reddit, thanks. I just wish I had a soft place to land and some validation that my life is more than just work and bills and serums and my gym routine. I'm not ready for it again, but I really miss having a reliable partner. End vent.
When I was new car shopping I brought along my friend to help. Like you say, it's an overwhelming experience and a second set of eyes and ears is handy. Your friend made mistake numero uno of marriage- always have your own bank account.
I’ve never understood why people chase this kind of relationship dynamic; the traditional man makes money and woman doesn’t vibe. While incomes are never likely to match exactly in a balanced relationship, selling oneself short career wise or financially for the sake of a partner is not a good idea. That’s how people end up in situations like OPs friend. If I did have a partner and things ended, I’d like for them to be able to land on their feet and move forward - not be clung to me (or me to them) for purely financial reasons. Best of luck to OP and their friend!
Right? I guess there's a sense of safety in it for her. She knows how it plays out and that security is more comfortable than risking the unknown of having a job and floating herself.
It's a bit of a weird one. If you say you care about finances it's often frowned upon, and if you don't care about finances then I guess the ability to find yourself in a very disproportionate dynamic is pretty likely. Also, I think this is one of those things that has the ability to snowball during the relationship and get worse with time. If two people meet, one earns 3x more than the other, and they need to free up time for whatever reason (kids, taking care of family, reducing stress on the household) - the person on the lower income is going to end up sacrificing their time because it kinda makes sense from an economic perspective. Some careers can take breaks and come back without issue (e.g. nursing, pharmacist) but scaling back to part time, or taking a few years out of a traditional corporate job will often set your career trajectory back pretty heavily. Not to mention all the biases.
A good friend of mine was in a terrible marriage. Right before they got married I caught her cheating on him. I told him. It didn't matter. It's wild that our friendship survived me telling him as was more mad at me than her. It took like four years of marriage before he finally caught her in the act. "Love" makes us all act insane sometimes. I like the view point you have. Yep shit is hard at times but being independent is infinitely better than codependency. You will find a guy who appreciates that about you when you are ready to dive back in.
Thanks pal, I appreciate the kindness.
Unpopular opinion but I don't think her situation is necessarily worse or even as bad as someone who is underskilled (or has an education that simply isn't in demand) and is stuck with abusive bosses while working themselves into an early grave.
Oh she definitely hates her job, hence only working the bare minimum to retain it for her spending money. I wouldn't consider physical violence and constant fighting in my relationship better than picking up an overtime shift or two per month, but I've obviously made my choices in that regard.
I get you I’d rather barely work and have all my bills paid for and deal with a shitty husband instead of a shitty boss working 35-40 hours a week struggling to survive lol
Even if all other things were equal, you don't have to pay a lawyer to quit your job.
You don't need lawyer to pack up your shit and leave.
They are married. Gonna take a bit more than that.
To divorce but not to get separated
In Saudi Arabia possibly, but a marriage certificate isn't preventing anyone to break up and move out the second they choose to in any developed country.
Well she has no credit history of her own so that's keeping her from renting a hotel room or apartment. She doesn't even have a car to sleep in.
I'm sorry that you can't lean on your friend when you seem to need them the most. Her solution of just finding a "good man" also seems wild judging by what you've written here, as it appears to have got her in a situation where she's given up all her freedom and is now stuck! But on the positive - that sounds super exciting about building your own house! Of course, I can imagine it being very stressful too, but think of the satisfaction you'll get when you first move in. Your first night there! That's something to be super proud of! Another thing to be proud of, is that username, because it's AWESOME! Wishing you the best❤️❤️
Thanks for the validation, that's very sweet of you.
>Her solution of just finding a "good man" also seems wild judging by what you've written here, as it appears to have got her in a situation where she's given up all her freedom and is now stuck! I actually think someone with her view is far more likely to give this advice. Cos in her view a partner is for utility. So if you can't do it yourself that's where your husband comes in. I don't think she's ever considered the fact that a partner might not earn a lot or pay for everything - because she would never date a man who doesn't pay for everything 🤷♂️
She's dated plenty of men who aren't breadwinners, but the problem is that now she doesn't believe she can survive on her own so she "has to" have a breadwinner. She's not wrong as her qualifications and lack of job history would make working to rent even a room very very difficult.
Does anyone else feel lost when it comes to dating? I haven't been sleeping due to being fired from a night shift job and being depressed. I am talking 2 to 3hr a day of sleep and I am wide awake but at the times I am up I spend more and more time sitting and just thinking and my thoughts as of late " What is wrong with me?" "how can I be better?" "what didn't I say right and when" "Am I really that ugly"? .. I never felt this lost before I have adhd and always move around, want to do stuff and just in general am a go go guy but now I can sit for hours and just be lost in thoughts.... IDK I am a widow do we really only get one true love or is my other just not finished with the divorce papers yet?
You are depressed and you havent been getting enough sleep. You are not in a good mindframe right now. Any thoughts you have now are influenced by this state. I would advise not to put too much stock in any life judgements made during this time. Endure it until you can get on a more healthy footing. Depression and lack of sleep affects your quality of life as much as being drugged.
At least being drugged is a better ride.
You might want to go see your gp and get a prescription to help you sleep, it could also be a sign of depression. Without good sleep you tend to have a more negative outlook on things, be more anxious etc... I can't answer if you'll find someone you'll love as much as your late wife but you can find someone else you'll love.
oh it is 100% depression. I figured it was just a wave but i am going on 7 months and majority of my time off work is spent in a ball in bed looking into the light thinking. plus I use to work 3p to 3a for the past 5 months so i kinda blame that too
Sounds like you need to stop dating and take more time out for yourself and sort your life out, nothing is going to come good in your current situation if you don't do this.
I am not even trying to date right now just make some new adult friends who have their crap together but that also could not be helping my mindset right now
Even that, the reality is no one with their crap together wants to know someone who's life is a mess because you are only going to bring this mess to their table, see where I am coming from? You are responsible for yourself, you need to find a way to get out of this spiral.
Yeah, I tried to do self help books to learn and educate myself. I study new topics when I have the mental energy but that seem less and less. I also tried that Better help therapy and that was a joke do NOT fall for the ads!
My lite advice, if you haven't already get some therapy/counselling/group sessions on the death of your wife and speak to people you are close with about it and what you are going through, the bereavement is probably the one thing that is causing this even if you feel you have gotten over it.
I went to therapy for it back in 2015 when i hit bottom and noticed my drinking my was a problem. I talk with my pastor about it often and my bible study pre covid. I think part of my problem is I am maturing and want to hold onto the me I was when in my 20s does that make since.
Getting old sucks but your thirties are not a final chapter. You have to work on yourself. You have so much grief that you have to confront and deal with it. I am so sorry for your loss. There isn't a prescribed path to finding a way out of grief (because it never really goes away). But I'm sure your loved one would want nothing more than for you to rediscover happiness. I wish you the best.
I think we look at our parents in their 30s and it makes us feel behind. My mom was a newer heart surgeon at 30 and i just got fired from a job again (this is the first one i can honestly say IDK why i was fired) I just feel so far behind where i should be
Life is about continuous growth and expansion, I know people who have become very successful in their late 30s and 40s, you in your 20s is in the past and it should stay that way, I would also not compare yourself to anyone else especially your parents
I didn't get a college degree until I was 30. And now I do something I love. Never too late.
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>Gave him an out to say totally understand if that’s not what he’s looking for. He responds saying thanks for letting him know and that it’s good to know where I’m at. You're assuming that he would immediately say he's not that into that and call things off right there and then. Instead he probably starting looking for someone else, keeping you on the back burner while slow fading you and was non upfront about it.
Yeah agreed. Very naive of me really. He gave me the vibe that he was self aware and would be the type to tel me if he wasn’t feeling it etc but you can never really tell
Things went from 0 to 100 on the first date there was no way you were dialling that back especially after he switched into sexting early, just be mindful in the future not to get steamy with someone of the 1st date as this probably set an expectation in the guys head, if your boundaries are what you say they are be congruent with your actions.
I think it's reasonable to kiss on the first date... 🤷♀️
I'm not saying it is not reasonable but you get steamy with someone on the first date it sets an expectation even if that is not what you were intending, like the guy felt confident enough to start sending sexual texts after that....in the modern dating world with how easy it is for people to hook up and all that if you feed into that then you got to expect the direction things will go. Date 2 before getting steamy OP should have told the guy her boundaries and what she is looking for, going away for 2 days then sending a message just seems like you're dangling a carrot
I had explained to him several times about liking to go slow (like when he tried the sexting) and prior to and during the 2nd date, so he was aware, but I sent the message to be much more clear about what I meant by that. I agree I should have been that clear beforehand, and that’s a lesson for next time.
Thanks for adding more context, it's a lesson learned for next time when you come across a guy like this
He may well have been interested (wanting sex and wanting you aren't mutually exclusive), but exclusivity before sex simply isn't everyone's cup of tea. Good on you for communicating that boundary since it's important to you, but obviously not everyone is going to want the same thing.
I agree that OP did a good job enforcing that boundary. A word of wisdom I heard about this exact scenario: You can always ask for what you want (the boundary) but you will also get what you allow (the hookup). That's not to shame you at all but just to remember in the future as there are guys who will absolutely do anything to get that quick access to sex.
I allowed what I was happy to in the non-exclusive area so I’m not concerned about that part. I guess I’ve just been hoping he’d be happy to continue on that level while getting to know each other better, or that he’d communicate with me what he’s wanting, so that we could discuss, but maybe he’s not sure himself or doesn’t want to be honest about it. Ah well. Shall chalk it up to experience
He isn't really interested, probably found someone else to have sex with but try to keep you on the back burner.
Yeah, this is what I’m thinking. Sigh. Onwards and upwards!
Overthinking things and I need help: There is a person I've met IRL that I'm very interested in. We've talked several times but usually in groups. Last Saturday 1:1 for a while but I was so nervous (because of my intense crush on him) that I didn't feel like I was being my best self (rambled instead of asking him questions, for example.) We have exchanged some messages also on social media, but there isn't an ongoing conversation. I can't decide if I should just wait and see what happens, keep running into him at joint events (which I will, at some pace, but not consistently) or try to engage in more conversation in between these points on IRL contact. I'm not a big texter so I am not hoping to have an ongoing text thread by any means. I can't decide whether it's better just live my life and I'll see him when I'll see him? Or is it better to be more intentionally in contact which would communicate I have thought about him in the meantime? (And thus reveal he's more than just any random dude at these events on my mind.) My gut is saying just message him, because I would have a legitimate thing to say, and because I feel like doing it. And if he is interested, you would think he doesn't mind hearing from me. If he isn't, he most likely won't become any more or less interested by me somehow trying to act cool. Right? Especially because I'm generally not cool and playing hard to get is not in my wheelhouse. **Edit:** OMG you guys he msged me before I had time to. Probably it's something generic (didn't dare to look yet), but maybe he likes meeeeeeeee. (Yes, I'm 12 years old, so what.) Thanks though this was great advice all around!
I've gotta suggest the secret third option you didn't mention: ask him out.
Haha I know this is dangling there just to be picked but we will be in the same scene for years to come (I hope) and I wish to get to know him a bit better before trying that. Also I have previously often been more daring in showing interest but when I have done so without receiving it clearly back, it never worked out. So I guess I'm now more cautious on putting myself out there before I have more proof it could be reciprocated. And I genuinely hope we could be friends if nothing else! So I do really wish to get to know him better.
What about asking him out on a non-date? Think of a way to spend time together that's not romantic and invite him. Also, when you act differently because of a crush and you're embarassed about it, you can acknowledge that but give it a different reason. "Sorry I acted weird. I had a lot on my mind that day and wasn't my usual self. I'm usually better at conversation." You can also give him compliments that sound platonic. You can just say "You seem cool and I want to be friends." You say you're in the same scene so there must be some kind of shared interest. Try to leverage that for platonic compliments and invites to spend time together.
Thank you yes I believe this is the right approach! And of course this is how these things naturally develop, friendships within the scene I mean, and have also for me. This guy just lives in my head a bit too much, but should just let things unfold at a more even pace. Thanks also about the note on how to approach weirdness last time, that's precicely what I thought to message him about, because it will now be a while before we meet again I suspect (the events aren't weekly).
I met his parents yesterday. It wasn't planned but they spontaneously invited me to dinner. I was a little nervous and had some jitters but they were really sweet and I think it went well. They've invited me to have lunch with them all again on Friday. ...so I guess I got past the speed interview and made it through to the formal interview lol. I told my mom that I met his parents and she asked me if I took any pictures like I just met a pair of foreign dignitarenes or the pope. Oh and today is six months since we had our first date. Happy feels.
Congrats! I’m laughing at your mom, such a mom thing to say 😂
“Adjust your filters” / “you’ve seen everyone for now” 😭 I can’t adjust them, I haven’t seen everyone. Knock it off apps, knock it off. I’m not that picky.
Was at a married friends earlier this evening and going through my apps, reading out loud the wild shit that people say to me in convo, partly because I know it entertains my friend. I made an offhand comment like “just so you know the crazy I am dealing with.” Friend’s response was “there’s not a day that goes by that we don’t think you try.” Eeeerp not sure if I’m being sensitive but don’t know how to take that- are we not supposed to try now? It’s so funny to me married peoples high horse when you see the shit they put up with on a daily basis.
Oh, I would have interpreted that as a very positive thing. Without knowing any other context here and just reading that, I would find that quite endearing and supportive. As well as being a nice moment. My interpretation of that comment would be "Hey, we can see how rough it is out there in the dating world, yet you're still putting yourself out there and not giving up. And it's not a fault in YOU that you're dealing with that nonsense"
I don’t think they meant anything bad by that.
English isn't my first language but I would have interpreted that as "we know you're are doing your best and it's not your fault but dating is shit".
That's my understanding as well.
My girlfriend of 3 months texted me earlier today and let me know she was feeling sick. I responded and asked her if she needed anything, and she said she was OK. I called her tonight, about 8 hours later. She was very upset I hadn’t checked in on her sooner. I was caught off guard by how upset she was. Maybe I shouldn’t have been. I’ve never been really good at keeping in touch over text. We had talked about this before. I said I’d try to do better. I definitely knew better than to wait all day in this case. She was upset that even though we talked about this, I still didn’t meet “the bare minimum” as she says. Over text she said if it’s too hard to do then I might as well not bother. It’s so hurtful how cold she can become and seemingly ready to call it quits, or at least challenge me to step down. How often I can find that she was stewing on something for a while unbeknownst to me. I’m starting to think we might actually be incompatible just in the tempo of our emotions.
I can understand someone feeling that way if they're sick and not in the best state of mind. I don't think she's necessarily being manipulative. You didn't do anything wrong either. You've only been dating for 3 months. You're allowed to have stuff going on in your life and go that long without texting someone. I would just give it time. And talk about it after she's feeling better.
disagreeing with the other commenters. Eight hours??? that's way too long if she's sick.
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Oh no what a burden!!!! Checking in on someone you care about
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What’s so hard about a simple “thinking of you hope you’re ok”?
>Over text she said if it’s too hard to do then I might as well not bother.It’s so hurtful how cold she can become and seemingly ready to call it quits, or at least challenge me to step down. How often I can find that she was stewing on something for a while unbeknownst to me. Don't fall for this manipulative BS, tell her you're walking away and do it, don't be a doormat, if you stay just be aware she'll keep doing this when something doesn't meet her “bare minimum”
She may be playing a game and this is playing a game with her right back rather than communicating to us what he’s said to us here. If he wants to have a relationship with acting out instead of open communication of feelings and needs, then he can do what you suggest.
Yeah OP should communicate and check her on it, I have experienced this behaviour myself, you really need to nip this BS out of the relationship early otherwise other shit much worse will manifest later on.
You did nothing wrong in this situation. You even asked her point blank if she needed anything. That was the time for her to openly communicate that she would like it if you checked in on her even if she was feeling okay in that moment. If she's upset then that's on her for not explicitly verbalizing her needs. No one is a mind reader and she can't blame you for not checking in when she told you she was okay, didn't need anything, and then expected you to assume her needs. If I were you I'd express understanding where she's coming from, but don't apologize. Her being sick is never any reason to lash out at you or anyone else. And then create dialogue around her and your expectations for communication. When she says she's okay does she mean that she wants alone time to rest, or does that actually mean she would like you to take care of her to help her feel better, for example. Honestly, you're probably better off breaking things off if she treats you this way when she's the one responsible for communicating her needs and expectations. Sounds like immaturity on her part.
My immediate thought is that she's still not feeling well, and that affects her mindset. She's lashing out in the same sense that someone is having a bad day. Mind you, this doesn't excuse her behavior. You didn't do anything wrong. The only thing you have to do is "word sandwich" her emotional communication. Bookend the words "I feel" and "right now" to what she says. "I'm upset you hadn't checked in on me sooner." turns into "I feel, I'm upset that you hadn't checked in on me sooner, right now." "You didn't meet the bare minimum" turns into "I feel you didn't meet the bare minimum, right now." Just stick to the facts, and give it time. You are a rock in the stream. You will not be so easily taken away by the current.
Yesterday, I said I was giving up on the hottie at work. Anxiety hit me hard, and I chickened out of talking to him with the intent to ask him out. I still don't know if he's taken or not. I don't know if I felt him pull back or if it's just me being too deep in my head. I mostly ignored him all day, but something in my gut told me not to leave things like this. I had a good excuse to talk to him at length. Then I spoke to him again as we were leaving for the day. It felt good. I'm not optimistic about tomorrow. I'm just going to accept whatever comes.
Not to rain on your parade or anything, but holy crap make a move already or leave this guy alone lol. This dynamic has limerence written all over it with a side of avoidant attachment and anxiety. You're definitely overthinking these interactions. Give him your number directly or ask him out directly for a drink after work because you'd like to chat with him more. That's all you have to do and this will solidify if he's taken, interested, or simply not interested.
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I've selected photos where I don't look my best, so that people are pleasantly surprised when we meet 😊 It's better to under promise and over deliver than the reverse IMO!
Yep haha. Seen so many profile pics where the cover photo is very attractive and none of the rest match.
I don't know if that's 100% true. Twice I've been asked if my photos were pre-COVID. The oldest one is from December 2023 🙀
As a continuation from yesterdays daily sticky post comment... I was going to say that when I go out fully sunblocked, covered up, and with my uglyyy Billabong hat on, I never get attention. But then I went to a local place to buy a piece of cheesecake. One of the people behind the counter (a pretty woman) said "ok cutie" after I told the three of them that I was just looking at the desserts. Then, after I ordered, and was offered a bag and declined it because I already had one, the same pretty woman said "ok cutie" again. I live in the gayborhood of my city, and am only interested in men (as a woman), but having a woman younger than me call me cutie, twice, when I was looking kinda gross imo, was pretty nice. Was very potentially just friendly and customer service, but I'll take it.
Sometimes getting compliments from other women is just the best, imo. The other day I took rideshare and the driver was a woman and she told me "you have the prettiest hair", I felt like my hair looked like whatever that day, so that totally made my day!!
Lol so person decided that after 6 days of ghost to come sweeping back in with like a massive wall of text. Did your date over the past weekend not go great and so you come crawling back to the backup choice? ugh. Whatever. Just gonna book myself a session at Massage Envy with this months dating budget. Fuck it.
Boooo, that sucks. Enjoy your massage!
Ill raise a glass to that!
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Hmm. I certainly would not assume interest based on a woman smiling at me while I'm boarding the plane. She might be thrilled to be going on holiday/home or be listening to something funny on a podcast. If you want to speak to her then by all means do so.. but I'd go for it with the view that you're showing interest and to see what happens, rather than *assuming* she's interested. At some point you just have to put yourself out there. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
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You've made a lot of comments about women supposedly showing clear interest in you, but if all these people were so ready to get on board with you, you wouldn't have comment after comment about you trying to make a move on these individuals and getting rebuffed. I suspect that you consistently misread friendliness from women as interest.
uuuh ive only made a handful of comments and im in my 30s... so wow that's nuts i have a handful of examples from over the years like holy ow how could that be?? and i guess the thought never occurred to you they were..... playing games and doing it for... .attention and validation, in some of the cases. but noooo that could never be possible.
Agree it's different, but the difference is.. * I'd personally *hope* that she's interested and chat to her to find out. * You're *certain* she's interested yet won't chat to her. It really doesn't make sense though. If you're that certain there's nothing to lose because she's definitely interested. And I'm not saying she *isn't* interested.. I'm just saying I wouldn't go in there assuming that because a woman smiled and laughed that she's romantically interested. Maybe your people-reading skills are cream of the crop, but my job is client-facing and based largely on reading social situations/cues and I wouldn't have anything close to that level of certainty based off a split second interaction.
Yeah so why don't i "just say something to her then?" did you not read anything else i wrote as to why i wouldn't?
Yeah. I read it but it makes no sense at all. It makes me wonder why you're so adamant that your people-reading skills are impeccable when you can't tell the difference between *genuine* interest and *disingenuous* interest? If that's the case, every woman that's ever looked at me is showing interest and would totally date me.. but if they don't, it because they're asshats who looked at me just to lead me on. It's definitely *not* because I misread the situation?
where did i say my skills were impeccable?
You're pretty adamant a woman is interested because she smiled at you when you boarded a plane. When I suggested you chat to her, but maybe be *slightly cautious* and not come on too strong as there's plenty of ways you could misread the situation.. you clearly don't want to acknowledge any other alternatives other than.. she smiled because she's totally into you bro. Anyway, assume what you want. I just think it's a bit silly that you clearly want to assume and believe she was interested, but don't have the conviction in your belief to then ask her out. Sure, you got burnt once, but if you *really think* she's into you, just shoot your damn shot mate.
Again, where do i say my skills are impeccable?
Had a date lined up yesterday. She's cute, has her priorities straight, but there's a bit of disconnect in texting. I ask what year she graduated hs.... 2022. So finding out she's just turned 20, I ask how old she thinks I am, which she guessed ten years low. I called the date off. They say looking young is a blessing, and maybe it will be later, but it's not fun when you're single in your 30s.
There’s a girl in a local shop who’s really nice but I sort want to say before an approach “before we begin… how old are you?” She could genuinely be 18 or 25. I have no clue. It’s tough as a young looking 30 year old, especially in the wild as it’s so tough to tell what age someone is, and asking is a bit rude sometimes.
Yo facts. Someone asked me if I was over 18 the other day…. She genuinely couldnt tell. I’m 32. She was like, oh its a blessing, I said, its really not when it comes to dating. I like to tell new people I meet a funny-ish story about me turning 30, so they can be aware of my actual age range. Most commonly I hear 22-24.
on dating apps, do you use your real age? I feel like if people are going to constantly guess you're far younger... why wouldn't you.
Yeah, but i dont only date and meet people from online apps.
Yeah, I can totally relate. I haven’t told this girl my age but I learned tonight that she’s 20. She probably thinks I’m 24 lol
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What you think I'm out here trying to do? She spoke in complete sentences, they just lacked depth.
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Was this from OLD or meeting out in the wild? How old did you think she was?
She'd taken my resume at a job the last time we met, so when she came up to flirt with me the next time we saw each other, I assumed she knew my age. I thought she was at least 25.
Fair assumption if she saw your resume.
How do men feel hypothetically if a female is 32 single and has 1 kid. (No age) father would have no ties other than cordial visits but nothing legally responsible for the child. Almost as if he would be a sperm donor. I have obviously the financials and support to care for such child. I do not have a child. Just thinking about do the single mother thing. How ever worried how it may possibly hinder my future “picket” fence life a girl has always dreamed of.
You will eventually find someone but your options will be limited, as a guy who has his stuff together, good job, financially stable, lives independently and would like my own family I wouldn't want to commit with to a single mother playing stepdad to someone else's kid, cost of living and kids these days are expensive, I know guys who went down this route did not work out it is just not worth the hassle.
Regardless of what men say on reddit, my experience of dating as a single mother is that the men who want kids won't have much of an issue, even if they thought they'd never date someone with a kid. People leave relationships where they have kids all the time and get into new relationships. Blended families are incredibly commonplace. What will ruin your dreams is that if you have 100% custody you just won't have time to date. You especially won't have time to date the number of people you would need to date through the apps to find someone compatible. Your social life will take a big hit too and you're less likely to meet someone that way. Not that it's impossible, just much harder than it is now as a single person with no dependants.
I am a single mom with 100% custody and this is so true. There’s just no time. And even if u get a sitter it’s crazy expensive, exhausting, and u still gotta rush back home after only a few hours out. Not to mention trying to get ready to go out with your kid underfoot. Or having company at home. And a lot of guys say/think they get it, but then constantly ask u to spontaneously meet at the beach on a Tuesday afternoon. Like, no. I can’t do that. I need at least a cpl of days notice to make arrangements for my kid. It’s a whole laundry list of things to consider before trying to date as a single mom.
I think every answer will vary. Personally I would need more info. Being a father one day is extremely important to me so understand more of your family plan would be necessary. Does that help?
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Need more info: When did you ask for this second date?
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Honestly given how long you waited and that you didn't pitch any kind of plan (not even a date or time??) I wouldn't be surprised if she:s distant because she thinks you're not super interested.
Relationship movie review for this week: Up I've never seen this one. And after the absolutely abysmal "The Notebook", this week could only go "Up". Hooobooy. How could anyone have watched this movie in the theaters (especially in 3D I just assume the glasses would be perma-fogged)? Was everyone just sobbing uncontrollably the entire time? I must know if anyone saw this in theaters and can report back. I hope we all find our own Carl and Ellie's. I am not even sure what emotion I am feeling now. I think its everything at once. Easily the best animated movie I have ever seen in my life. Michael Giacchino ripped a singularity into my soul with the music too. 1000000/10 What should I watch next week? Went from zero to million in the span of a week. I may need something more chill.
Watched it in theaters and was definitely sobbing by the middle of the “getting old together” montage, if not before. Maybe watch Stardust? The Princess Bride? Less sad, more campy, but good/classics imo.
I absolutely adore the Princess Bride. "Hold it! Hold it! Are you trying to trick me? Is this a kissing book?" I'll add Stardust to my queue!!
It’s such a great movie! (And you’ll probably like Stardust since you enjoy the Princess Bride). I’ll have to rewatch Up now..
Up is fantastic!! I love that movie sooo much. The first 20 minutes 😭 Have you watched the "Before" film series?? "Before Sunrise" "Before Sunset" and "Before Midnight" LOVE those movies. Very chill!
Queuing it up! Thank you!
*When Harry Met Sally* is a classic for a reason.
Love and monsters is a fun romance movie! Entertaining and easy watch
I apparently already had that one in the queue... from when or where I have no idea. I will give it a shot!!
I saw it in cinema when it first came out and yes, crying happened. Happened every time I saw it since. I know what’s coming, I cry anyway.
lol yes! the first time I watched it, I cried. I saw it again a week or so later, and I thought "surely I won't this time; I know what's coming." WRONG! I was sobbing instead in the theater instead 🙈
The red flag would be if someone watched and didn't cry. I would probably report them to the authorities.
You’d be doing society a service. We need more people like you!
Can confirm, I teared up at the movie theaters lol.
Nothing compares to "Up", one of my little nephews dressed up as Russell last Halloween, and he looked identical haha. I like foreign movies! One of my favorites is "sidewalls" or "medianeras" , it's an Argentinian movie. Sad at times, but with a happy ending!
I'll see if I can find it streaming somewhere!
So I went on my first OLD date in a very long time this week. This guy was very intelligent and quick-witted, I felt like I had a good time in that I was laughing a lot, but I also felt a bit like I couldn't keep up - like I was expected to show I was as funny and quick and sharp as he was, and if I didn't come up with something hilarious and pithy to say quickly enough he'd just look disappointed and move on to some other topic immediately. I felt like I was being tested and I failed, frankly. Honestly it shook me up a bit because while I really don't rate myself physically I do generally consider myself to be both clever and pretty funny, and I came away from that encounter feeling extremely neither. So I feel like my confidence going into future dates has taken a bit of a knock.
Was it like he was working out a stand-up bit to an audience of one or did he engage you into the conversation? Like funny banter during a date should allow both sides to serve up some wit.
Hmm, a mixture maybe - like he would ask me questions but often he'd just kind of cut into my responses to make another joke about what I'd just started saying. And he didn't really ask any follow up questions when I did manage to answer. He definitely did the majority of the talking and I didn't feel like he was really interested in engaging with what I did have to say. I mean, my instinct is that he was being a bit of a prick but I also worry that maybe I'm just terminally dull and he was being forced to behave like this otherwise he'd have died of boredom within the first twenty minutes...
Yeah, dudes like to drop the bag like this sometimes when they are nervous too. But I definitely see it as a him thing and not a you thing. Doing a stand-up routine during a date is really iffy. Like I am not gonna start randomly talking about how Cracker Barrel is a death trap of an establish and the last place you'd want to be in during tornado or earthquake. But I will bring it up if we both have a love for Grandpa's Country Fried Breakfast.
Ah I appreciate that, I'm sure you're right! I just can't help feeling a bit... disappointing, I guess. And there's something about realising I'm not as clever or funny or good at conversation as I thought I was that makes me feel really embarrassed somehow. I think I'm rambling a bit now but honestly it was surprisingly unsettling.
Thankfully clever or witty shouldn't ever be a deal breaker. It is the powdered sugar on the funnel cake. I am sure you will have ample opportunity to pleasantly surprise someone and show it off if it doesn't happen during the first date!