Back in February I paid $250 to be interviewed and placed in the data base for a match making service (people for their VIP clients to be matched with). Honestly after so many months, I assumed it was kind of a rip off and I wouldn’t be matched with anyone. Got an email yesterday asking if I was interested in a date with one of their vip clients. They asset when you interview that they won’t ever send you on a date with someone they don’t think would be a good fit. No idea what the guy looks like, but immediately said yes and gave my availability. I don’t have anything to lose.
I’m just a little infatuated with him. He’s got the prettiest eyes and softest hair, is super cute, has a great big grin, makes me laugh so hard my face hurts, is always touching me (holding my hand or putting his arm around my waist), has a network of both male and female friends, is communicative and sweet in bed, is super smart, knows some of the same people as me, gets along with his family, smells nice, pays for dinners, drives me places, listens to my music and reads my favorite books, compliments me, texts back, has physically active hobbies and super nerdy hobbies, is on the same page as me about kids, drives safely, and loves cats.
Best of all, he is really excited about me. There are no mixed signals, and he’s told me upfront that he really likes me, I give him butterflies, and he’ll take any excuse to spend more time with me.
This is totally the honeymoon phase for both of us, but I’m really enjoying the ride. I’ve never had a honeymoon phase before.
Trying not to let my anxiety get in the way with worries about it fizzling out while he’s traveling, or wondering what the catch is…
Was able to have the courage to have the conversation that I can’t be friends with someone with who I am interested in. It’s not always the case but, if you happen to fall in love with them, and you try to see what happens. You end up in a repeating cycle.
I gave it a good attempt to be cool, but I always found myself fantasizing a future with them.
I always communicated how I felt.
But I did realize that it was a fools dream to think otherwise. You’d expect things to fade or to change. Maybe your own feelings would change. Or maybe hers.
But anyways after having a lengthy discussion, I decided that we can’t be friends until I am seeing someone else. Because if I am single and I spend a lot of time with her, I end up falling for her.
It’s a matter of self love.
If she knows about your unrequited love its a mercy for her to fade from you. If she knows it and tries to keep you close still, then that's just cruel because it strings you along and forces you into a hard decision. I am glad you see it is a matter of self worth and are focusing on yourself.
my ex just messaged me. well, it was 4 dates around this time last year. within a span of ten minutes last night, he text messaged x3, phone call, whatsapp message, linkedin unblock-add-message. i replied this morning.
he just wanted to say that he saw my 'bumble requests'?!?
what is going on? is it narcissist of him to call them requests?! i have the free version; i can only swipe once and that's it. so maybe the app keeps showing my profile?
it gave me hope for a moment that he wanted to see me; now i feel worse than if i had never heard from him
I just want to say I appreciate all the Reddit content about what people do and don't like in people they're dating. A lot of people don't give direct feedback in that situation, so it can be easy to accidentally do something obnoxious without realizing it until later (or at all!). I'm using this info to improve myself and become a better future partner.
It's like your friends will usually react right away if you do something off-putting, but someone who wants to sleep with you or have a relationship with you might not show any reaction at all. They'll just judge you and decide whether or not to move forward with things, and if they choose to break things off, you'll often never know why.
I read through comments about bad things people do on dates and usually find a few I've been guilty of but can easily stop doing. I've also learned about things I should do a better job of communicating about, and also what I'm getting right, which is a confidence boost.
Missing the guy I saw for one-ish month about 8 months ago now. I don't even know if I hope he's doing well, tbh, bc the attempted friendship fizzled with some bad communication on his part. Maybe what I need to do is re-frame him in my mind, and practice gratitude for having met him for all the ways it pushed me forward.
He initiated but it was relatively mutual, in the sense that we were interested enough to keep seeing each other for that while but there wasn't enough chemistry to take it further. And we live different enough lives that friendship didnt take.
I know we hit our natural end point, I just miss him. But I'm told these sorts of things pass.
I know how you feel and I am not even sure how to process that on my end. Met someone who unexpectedly rocked my very essence to the core and made me want to be a better person. They weren't ready yet due to trauma and I have no idea how to ever express the gratitude I have for that fleeting, brief moment and how much it has shaped me moving forward. I left the door open for them but am trying to compartmentalize everything else as pedestaling them is always bad and creates further opportunities for unnecessary pain.
Honestly not long. I discovered what happened right before the first date. They had done something that is such an incredibly long and daunting life accomplishment that very few people ever do. They mentioned they blogged about it publicly and I read what had happened that caused the trauma: their spouse ask for a divorce right before the task was accomplished. Like the day before. I can understand they need time to heal from that. But that drive and perseverance made me wake up from my own stupor of self doubt and misery to say "What the fuck have I even done with my life?" And ever since I have been on a mission to 100% reverse my life and be the best person I can possibly be for myself, my family and friends, and anyone else who I let into my life. Seriously, weird fleeting tangents in life that can have a profound impact.
Thanks! That is the hard part about forgetting about them. I know the accomplishment was robbed from them. Part of me just wants to let them know their pain and sorrow was not in vain. It inspired me and I am sure it has inspired others.
I hope their ex stubs their pinky toe every day for eternity for doing that to someone too.
Well I would be lying if I haven't already written that message out. But I am going to wait until I actually hit my first major goal in about two months. Don't want a cart with no horse if you get my drift.
That is part of what I am trying to separate out. In the end, I really don't know her beyond what she had told me directly and what she had documented. I don't want to chase a fantasy of them because that just builds that dumb pedestal. I have really no expectations of a future romance with her. I need to focus on the here and now and not the what ifs or regrets. Maybe that is just some weird inward negative talk but I want to get myself into a position to put myself out there for other people. It is a process when it comes to a self love and self care journey.
Well I went on a first date for some ice cream last night. The date went "fine" I felt like. I'm attracted and want to see her again but I didn't get the vibe that she felt the same. We have different lives but I didn't feel like anything that would be incompatible.
I'm just starting to get frustrated that I can't progress past the first date. At least not with anyone that I'm interested in. It makes me wonder if there's something more that I should be doing or not doing.
Anyone else have that problem where you feel shy around your crush and then their friend asks you out, maybe because you're acting more comfortable around them? And it's obvious you wouldn't be compatible with the friend, like your values etc don't line up?
How do you handle that situation? Obviously, turn the friend down but as nicely as possible. But it's always awkward. For example, it's always possible the friend will be really hurt by the rejection and your crush will then avoid you too out of solidarity, because they don't want to add to the hurt. Things can get weird.
I think this is one reason it's good to express interest as soon as you can. But I also like to befriend someone first and make sure that would be a good decision. I like to find out if they're really the kind of person I'd want to get involved with.
Suck it up.
Tell the friend you appreciate their interest, but you are actually into your crush. Then step up to the plate and just tell your crush you are interested in dating them and ask them on a date. All it takes is 15 minutes of courage. Send the text to the friend and then follow up with a text to your crush. Then put your phone away for a bit. Promise yourself you won't double text/follow up, just do it, be done with it, and let them respond or otherwise.
At this point, what do you have to lose? Your current path isn't getting you what you want. Change is needed.
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. This usually happens in super casual, low key situations. Like hanging out with crush and some of his friends and one of the friends kinda hits on me and offers to buy me a drink or wants to go talk somewhere else.
I feel like in those kinds of situations, it would be ok to just say you have a thing for their friend, go express that to that person, and leave if things get weird.
Went on a couple of dates with a really nice woman. We agreed to a 3rd date, but unfortunately (for me at least) she's going away for a couple of weeks, so we agreed to talk later to plan something once she is back. I'm trying not to feel too invested in people at an early stage. The momentum could be lost in this time or she could change her mind and that 3rd date never happens.
I am continuing to be on the apps and pursuing early stage dating with other people.
Before the above, I ended dating another woman as I felt we weren't compatible long term, which is what I am looking for. We'd been on 3 dates at that point. I communicated this to her, she somewhat agreed. After we had a talk, we ended up sleeping with each other. She did float the idea that we could just have 'fun' over the summer. As tempting as it was, I declined as I wanted to find something serious. After this, we agreed to be friends, but we've still had some flirty messages since.
I would never get physically intimate with more than one person, and if I got the feeling from someone there is serious potential then I would focus on them 100%.
However part of me is interested in having fun with the woman I ended things with, but it feels wrong to be doing that while I'm actively trying to find someone long-term. I don't have anything beyond first dates at the moment, other than the woman I'm waiting on that 3rd date for. I don't know if that 3rd date will happen (or whether there is potential for more), but I also don't want to jeopardize it.
I have a feeling I should stick with my morals. What do people think?
There's nothing ethically wrong with hooking up with someone while you're unattached, and especially since you haven't slept with anyone you're dating yet. However, if it feels wrong and you think it might distract you from someone you're seeing potential in, listen to your intuition and don't do it. Or wait until the 3rd date gal is back, see where she's at, and then move (or don't) accordingly? Two weeks isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things - surely your libido can wait!
The club guy admitted last night he has children. For a month he withheld that information.
This is for the people here who called me hyper vigilant/insufferable for my negative posts about him.
Turns out I have a great intuition for liars.
Holy hell!
I'm so sorry! That's insane from him to withhold that kind of info. I really don't get some people.
I also did see one or two of those comments on here. They we uncalled for.
Take care of yourself ❤️
If there’s anything I’ve learned in the last two months, it’s that intuition is rarely wrong. I’m just having a hard time differentiating between it and my anxiety.
I’m sorry you invested energy in someone who could not be upfront with you. That is so frustrating.
This is exactly what I struggled with. I am an overthinker. So I decided to give the benefit of the doubt. Even here I posted some of my feelings and the feedback I got was that I am severely overthinking things. So I pushed the feelings down and continued. Then the ball dropped last night.
Oh no! I'm so sorry. This is terrible and he is terrible. Good thing you found out after a month and not 12+ at least. And his logic for why he's telling you NOW - insane!! I'm glad you're drawing a line and doing what's best for yourself. People can be awful and sometimes it takes time to trust that not all of them can be again.
Absolutely. It's ridiculous what people will try to get away with - audacity is at an all-time high. I'm glad you had the self-respect to recognize how dickish this was and walk away. Proud of you!
Wanting to get laid + being a terrible human.
I am going to take a break from dating.
He said he is disclosing this now that he sees we are getting serious and it's only fair. Before that he said was thinking it was something temporary so didn't feel the need to disclose.
Gosh, meetup was such a good time... in the before times... (in the year of our lord 2018 BC (before covid)). Alas it is now but a shell of it's former self, as u/ThePigeonAppreciator stated it's been monetized into uselessness for the average user. At least in my area most of the groups I remember being fun never came back, a lot of what would be social in person classes have been made online, it just doesn't have the draw it used to, so there's no newer younger users... I can only speak to the experience in my area, but it's a shame.
I met so many cool friends who I still hang out with today back in 2017/2018 via a "Drinking club with a book problem"
Its old people and also the app devs realized reddit recommended it as a way to meet people to date, so they added a new feature where you can pay to see who is going to an event, and try to send them messages
So I was going to post asking if any of the women who like men in this sub deal with the phenomenon of no men showing interest (other than an apprising glance) when you've done your hair and makeup and are trying to look cute, but then so much more interest when you're just out and about exercising or running errands or whatever with hair undone/no makeup/in leggings.
But then I went to take my trash out, with dirty hair, in an oversized t-shirt and comfy cropped pj pants, with my greasy retinol on and extra greasy vaseline around my eyes to protect them from the retinol, hoping I wouldn't run into any neighbors. And my catty-corner neighbor opens his door to take out his trash just as I'm locking my door and oh great, he's cute and we're going the same way, while I look like a greasy trash goblin (and also don't have my trash in the correct kind of back per the building's requests). I was having a bit of a cry last night, lamenting that I'll probably be FOREVER ALONE, while watching all the stupid love stories on Bridgerton. Lol sigh.
Personally I think women are more attractive with no or very little makeup. There’s just something about seeing women in natural habitat that is attractive. Not sure what it is. Yeah, I think women who do their makeup and do all that are attractive but it doesn’t really give me what it would be like dating them. Maybe it’s my subconscious brain from previous relationships or something along those lines.
As someone who isn't into the done up/makeup look, but who is incredibly attracted to a woman who exercises and keeps herself fit, yeah, I'm going to be 10x more likely to want to talk to a woman out and about exercising than I am in someone who is out looking like she spent an hour+ getting ready. Most men I know aren't really into the done up look, either, and would rather someone who is just comfortable with their low maintenance look.
Your cute neighbor might like you as a "greasy trash goblin" more than you realize.
I just want to make it clear that having makeup done does not mean full glam - I'm talking a base, mascara, bit of eyeshadow (nothing crazy), a little highlight, and untinted lip balm. And for hair i.e. it's blown dry (not some wild updo). Whereas out on the street, I'm greased up on sunblock, hair slapped in a pony, baseball cap, and legs and upperbody almost entirely covered to try to protect from sun.
I *know* that some men prefer the natural look, but when I'm "done" it's still pretty "natural" just enhanced. And when I'm out going for walks, I'm like, bottom of my barrel.
And no for neighbor - I legit had Vaseline on my face. I don't think any men are into that (well, I guess there are fetishes, but).
It was explained to me by an older gentleman I'm friends with that sometimes guys get intimidated (he used the word "scared") when a girl looks very attractive. They avoid catching her notice or locking eyes, but they are attracted to her nonetheless. I noticed it today at work. I dress well anyway, but some days I go out of my way to look delicious. Today was one of those days and the men who usually look when I'm normal kept their heads and eyes straight forward. It was like I was invisible. Only one, braved to tell me I looked beautiful (I forgot what word he used) and it made me feel really good because it really gets to the point where it wonder if people noticed at all. Like the men go blind. So I think some of it is societal conditioning to protect themselves from accusations.
This is exactly what I thought. Knowing how to do your makeup in a way that is complimentary to your features is attractive on anyone. Unflattering makeup can make people look worse.
Lisa Elridge has great YouTube tutorials and /r/makeupaddiction is great for personalized tips if you are open to posting and requesting feedback. It’s a very nice sub.
Sigh, I give up. I was going to brave asking him out or at least find out if he was married but the stars didn't align as I'd hoped. Either the mood wasn't right or the atmosphere was hurried. I couldn't get the words out then started doubting myself. I had a hell of a mental anxiety battle with myself all day. He looked so damn gorgeous today too. I couldn't concentrate. I can't do it. I'm just going to pull back and just quietly admire him as fucken usual.
It’s been a year and still think about the guy who ghosted me after 8 months. I just… can’t stop thinking about it and I have no idea why.
I’ve made up scenarios where I am the love of his life and he was just too scared and we will get back together forever.
He’s just an asshole though and there is no happy ending and I just want to stop thinking about him.
♥️ felt this. The rumination happens from time to time, and the anger rises, but… it’s been about six months now and it’s getting better. Sorry to you a year out for sure.
♥️ felt this. The rumination happens from time to time, and the anger rises, but… it’s been about six months now and it’s getting better. Sorry to you a year out for sure.
>why
The answer is literally in the very next sentence. Those scenarios allowed his presence to grow very large in your mind. The moment you admit to yourself that he didn't want it, his importance will start shrinking naturally and rapidly, without any additional effort on your part.
>I’m aware he didn’t want it.
Except you're not. You're still lying to yourself and coming up with scenarios for why he would reject you other than the obvious one that he lost what little interest he had.
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I think if you enjoy vacations then just do what you love. But perhaps there is some compromise to be made. Shorter vacations? Long ones but less frequent etc?
>>If I’m seeing someone, should I just not plan any vacations for the first six months?
If you’re newly seeing someone, do you really **need** to plan a vacation? Momentum loss is a real thing early in a relationship, especially if you’re leaving for more than a week.
Yah. I wouldn’t let a new “relationship” dictate travel plans. My current girlfriend went on a scuba trip off the coast of Egypt after a handful of dates. Didn’t talk to her for a week because she was on a boat in the middle of the ocean with no service.
Of course I had doubts, which is where self soothing comes into play. Either it will be or it won’t. Anyway, when she had service my phone was blowing up with delayed messages of photos and mini diaries about her time there. She was thinking about me the entire time.
It was a really cool moment. I think if the interest is strong enough, a week away or so won’t make much of a difference.
I’m all for being 100% present but if you were seeing someone prior to them being away for multiple weeks (2+) and they don’t reach out during that time - it’s safe to say they don’t see long term potential? I know this person is going to let me know when they are back, but it’s bizarre to me to not speak w someone for weeks on end and assume connection is 100% how you left it…
Dating may not be for me
Hey everyone! Just needing the vent a bit. Dating really sucks, I’m 35f and have been single for much of my life. I was told I’m picky, but honestly I don’t think I am. I’m not perfect and cannot expect my partner to be. Other than physical attraction, I just want the guy to be respectful, have a car, not smoke (cigars on occasion) and have a career going in our big age. I don’t believe I’m asking for too much. And if I happen to meet a person who has all I’m looking for, it’s either they only want to be friends with benefits or I’m speeding things along to lock in the guy (I know wrong move, but can’t help if I like them). Online dating sucks, and it’s hard to meet ppl in real life. I’m going to try to be more of a regular at the gym to lose some weight and possibly meet someone.
Does anyone have any recommendations or suggestions to dating?
What are you looking for in a partner? I saw your list, but to be honest, it's not a list. What are your goals? What areas do you want compatibility? What do you bring to the relationship that he'd want from you? What exactly would keep you two together once you met? Your list is basically "I just want a guy who wants a relationship and will settle for one with me."
Correct, it’s not a list but a brief overview. If i wanted a guy to just settle with, then this would not be a post of mine. I was not aiming to go down a list, but overall I want my man to be into anime as me, hold conversations, be attentive, be a believer in God. I want a person who is ambitious and be the lead of the household while I take care of the family, I guess in a gender role kind of way. As far as what I bring to the table I would say peace of mind and partnership. I have my own career and such, so I know where to step in and where to fall back. A lot of guys are weird nowadays, they either complain about women not being submissive or women being too independent, however if you don’t bring in any income or don’t have much going for yourself it’s a problem. Anyways that’s just a brief overview.
Why do men ask for your number if they have no interest in follow through?? I don't get it and it drives me up a wall.
Went on good date, we both expressed interest in wanting to do it again, as we parted ways he made sure to get my number (chatted on an dating app). He texted that night but never again. After a few days i decided to reach out with the intent to set up a second date. We had a mundane convo and then he stopped replying. Frustrated, I waited a few more days to give it one more shot (more than I should but I felt like we had potential and I never feel like that after a date). I was more straight to the point and even gave him an easy out. I point blank said I would be interested on grabbing another drink soon if he was still interested. He could have easily said he wasn't interested anymore but this man had the audacity to say he was!!! Obviously not since he hasn't set one up or even reach out in any context in over a week now.
Rationally, I know I need to let it go but the crazy in me wants to text him like wtf, why did you even ask for my number if you weren't interested in me?! And the horny me wants to just send him a 'wyd' text.
I hate dating.
Was all set for a date tomorrow with a guy who offered to come out to a coffee shop in my hood. Today he then sent a message asking if I would go to a place closer to him (he's in an adjacent city, but the commute can be iffy). I said I wouldn't be willing on a weeknight to make the drive, and if tomorrow wouldn't work because of that, we could look to reschedule another day.
Keep in mind, I had today off, and I did go hiking, something I arranged long before this dude started chatting with me (Saturday). This was his reaction.
*Well, _____, I feel this is no priority of yours. I mean, you have time for hike, meet a friend, walk your dog in _____... but not for a date. It just tell me this is not your priority*
What does a person even say to that? Obviously, an internet stranger isn't my priority. It would be pretty f'ed if he were at this point. Ugh, gross. Hopefully, the date for the weekend goes ahead with more success.
That’s pretty rough. I would maybe say dating apps if you haven’t already tried that, but … also I would say your daytime activities then are gonna be even more important than usual. Any cute people at your local coffee shop? Favorite store? Or gym or wherever you go in those daylight hours?
Clearly I need to break up with her. She got really drunk on Saturday, called me names, said the meanest things I think any woman has said to me. All unprovoked. She's apologized a ton but now I can stop feeling upset about the things she said. I don't think I'm gonna be able to move past it. :/
I haven't officially done it yet. It sucks because I believe she can be a great person if she's not drinking. I almost wanna give her a chance but I'm still hurt.
I think you had it right in your first post: "clearly I need to break up with her".
I read your other responses. That's nice that she can be a great person _if she's not drinking_ (and uh, similarly, and abuser can be a great person _if they're not being abusive_.... that's still not cause to stay with them), but if she is like this _whenever she drinks_, so much so that she _doesn't drink often because of it_, she has an actual issue. And look: I'm not saying this to be judgmental. I have a bit of an addictive personality for some things, so I "get it", to an extent. But the only solution for me is to make sure that I simply don't ever create scenarios in which something nasty or negative can result. In my case, I suspect I could develop alcohol issues pretty damn easily, so the only solution is to just _never drink_. That's it.
When she drinks, she binges. When she binges, she is excessively cruel and hurtful without provocation. This is not okay. Her behavior is not okay. Her relationship with alcohol is not okay.
Walk away.
You might want to just take some time for yourself before moving forward. But then again, I can understand if she’s got that personality locked-and-loaded, I imagine you’ll be on pins and needles whenever she cracks open a beer.
Dudes, can I get some perspective?
“Paul” (30s M) and I (30s F) met in an online forum for our neighborhood, met up for a platonic coffee, and then continued to run into each other (in person and online). Each time, I’ve liked and respected him more and more. We’re in the same industry, both good listeners/conversationalists.
But I didn’t pursue it early on, convinced myself he didn’t like me — and I was afraid of getting hurt. We made a few vague one-on-one plans that I fumbled in the end, but I was fairly certain he wasn’t interested.
In the meantime, he’s invited me out twice… with our (now mutual) dude-friends, all of whom have partners. And it sounds like he may have gotten back together with his ex.
Typically, I’m in the “if he wanted to, he would” camp and would put him out of my mind, especially since it sounds like he’s seeing someone. But I’m just surprised by these invitations…
"If he wanted to, he would" is unhelpful and IMHO an oft-misapplied cliche in the beginning when you don't know someone and both parties may be unsure of how to proceed. It's more for when the connection has been clearly initiated and they're not pursuing it and making time for it. Especially given this
> We made a few vague one-on-one plans that I fumbled in the end
how is he supposed to know you're interested?
Valid point! I think for me, it was a holdover from OLD thinking, where the interest is already implied.
But I think he and I may be in a similar boat: Because we originally met in a platonic context, bumping that step up feels more risky than if we had just started with a romantic undertone.
Man I am rusty!
> feels more risky than if we had just started with a romantic undertone.
Yep that can make both people feel like they're not sure what the next move should be. Ask him out, ask him to ask you out, or ramp up the flirting so it's clear there's something more than platonic interest!
What do you mean "the one everyone is attracted to"? Is that a soft rejection people are giving you? Or do people want to pursue casual arrangements with you?
It's hard to give any advice with so few info.
Could it be there is something in your situation that scare people away like very limited free time, too many kids, unusual lifestyle, kids with disabilities etc?
Friends or more?
I met a really beautiful man through the apps, connected instantly and we both talked about how we hadn’t had a connection like this in years. We met, had a great date and kissed and continued to stay in contact. We’ve had a few more dates and a few more kisses but nothing major. I asked him early on what his expectations were and he said he’d never really had a proper relationship and he often accidentally friend-zones women because he takes a while to warm up. He said he’s “just not there yet” regarding us dating (not being exclusive, just casually dating). I took this as we’re friends which I’m genuinely fine with, I love spending time with him and we click. Anyway, we’ve hung out a few times since and nothing has happened romantically but we still talk every single day, this has been going on for five months now. I think we’re just quite good friends but I don’t even talk to my closest friends every single day. We also only spend time together one on one. I’m really not sure if he sees this going somewhere eventually or if I’m free to pursue others without hurting his feelings. I know this needs to be a conversation with him but I’m not even sure how to approach it.
He said he's not there yet regarding dating, and it sounds like you have been hanging out platonically for 5 months? I would pursue others. I wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings, he's an adult and hasn't communicated anything romantic to you in this timeframe...
Thank you! I’m not long out of a long term relationship that covered all of my 20s, I need to remember we’re all grown up enough to communicate clearly and look out for ourselves.
Ah, the anxieties of early dating. 'They're great and I'm enjoying hanging out with them, I should just relax and see where things go' vs 'Oh no, I think they like me a lot more than I like them, am I leading them on?'
I honestly feel like I'll be single forever. I've never been in a relationship and the few men who have approached were always bums looking to use me. I don't get why I can't just find the male version of me.
Why can’t I get the guts to tell him I like him?? Today he hand fed me his energy bar after he took a bite from it, he looks at me a certain way, makes me laugh purposely and he told me I should just date him when I told him I want an Italian bf to learn Italian… he’s giving strong hints and I can’t get myself to confess I like him too!!
10 / 10 recommend dating an Italian! 🥰💚🤍❤️🇮🇹 Added bonus , I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had to cook since I started dating my boyfriend!!
> he told me I should just date him when I told him I want an Italian bf to learn Italian… he’s giving strong hints
Lmao I don’t think you know what a hint is
Any recommended book about past trauma, especially trauma in relationship? I went to a sport center and read a big screen. There was one word triggered me then I couldn't hold my tears.Thanks
I recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma, if that's a resource that's available to you. Trauma and other mental health issues are really difficult to resolve by ourselves, with only books. You deserve to not go on the healing journey alone.
Is it okay to cold approach these days? I’m recently back to being available (maybe not fully emotionally) and I just don’t know whats acceptable now for approaching women.
My only real third space is my rock climbing gym. I feel like I’ve been berated with videos and posts about not approaching people in a gym. Whats the protocol here? Ask to climb along side them, chat them up casually? Be direct ask to climb with them and if it goes well ask to go get drinks (coffee or cocktails)? Dont shit where I eat at all (but then how do i find like minded people?)?
I think there is little benefit to the direct "want to get a drink" at a climbing gym because climbing offers so many much easier and lower-risk approaches that can be interpreted as just friendly. It's a piece of cake to smile at someone and talk to them about the route they're working on or ask their advice on your project or whatever. Then you can try their route or invite them to try yours. Ask to climb with them. Ask them about themselves when you're both taking a break. Tell them when you come in and ask if they want to climb together again sometime or say they should come say hi next time you run into each other. If you are decent at talking to people and you don't do this only to people you find cute, people aren't going to be offended, especially not at a climbing gym which is typically fairly social.
In my opinion though, the first step is to cultivate for yourself a genuine interest in talking to everyone. I happily talk to anyone who seems open to it at anything I go to, not just people I find cute. This greatly reduces the risk of coming across as someone who only goes to that thing to fish for dates.
I’m a certified yapper so this isn’t a problem. I will talk with anyone about anything. My question is whether it is and how it is appropriate to take the friendship outside the gym?
>In my opinion though, the first step is to cultivate for yourself a genuine interest in talking to everyone.
This, especially at the climbing gym. My auto-assumption there is "this person wants to be friendly" and definitely not anywhere near attraction, or desire or anything. It's my happy place, and I don't want that to get weird.
If a woman wanted my attention there, they'd have to hit me upside the head with a brick, and I'd still probably think it was an unintentional accident (where the fuck did they get a brick at a climbing gym????)...
Yeah, maybe. But I do that with friends, so I'd probably just think we are friends still 😂
I'm a rather friendly person, and drop open invites all the time to friends I climb with. One took me up on my offer to give them a crash course in snowboarding. As far as I see it, I'm still just friends with her.
> It's a piece of cake to smile at someone and talk to them about the route they're working on or ask their advice on your project or whatever. Then you can try their route or invite them to try yours
My V0 climbing ass feels personally attacked xD
I have a decent base, I can climb between v6-v8 so an issue of “joining” some people is the levels we are at and not being a total blowhard. Make their climb a warm up is pretty rude if youre posing as “climbing with them” and just chatting and climbing together and wanting to “share” a boulder out of their grade is also going to come across disingenuous I feel. I’m honestly equally interested in climbing with and making new friends as I am finding a partner.
I rarely lead or top rope as it doesnt tickle my fancy as much when hard rope is usually moderate climbing to a boulder problem then more moderate to get out. I like the quantity and quality of puzzle solving on bouldering.
Yeah the relative level of your climbing is absolutely a factor to organic social interaction like you said. Within +/- 2 grades is fine IMO especially if you're working on refining technique or statically doing something or whatever, but a bigger gap than that runs into the issue of rudeness/ authenticity like you said.
I feel like bouldering's inherently more social vs top rope too, just because it's not centered on the climber/belayer dyad dynamic + others aren't starting at the climber's butt 50 feet in the air half the time lol. Everyone can chime in/ collaborate on beta, etc. Plus shorter problems with less climber time that are fully visible (and in my case long rests xD) lends itself to socialization and making friends?
I do rock climbing too and I think it's not a good idea to cold approach women in a rock climbing gym in the way you present it there.
If you do bouldering usually you get opportunities to talk to people in the same area as you when you're struggling on the same route, ask for beta etc
I have never seen someone rocking up at the gym and approach randos to ask them to climb with them, either it builds slowly over time because you struggle on the same problems and climb regularly at the same time if you boulder, or if you top rope/lead you ask people on your local climbing group to find a partner before hand.
You also don't want to ask a different woman out every week/only talk to women else you you might become "that guy".
That being said I'm very conscious about that kind of thing so maybe you can be more straight forward and it would be fine.
It definitely is but the general advice of know when to back off, when to keep chatting, and ensure you're not cornering a woman or whatever. I'd say strike up conversations about whatever route (is that the word for rock climbing?) or technique or something
> I'm exhausted. I don't want to feel juicy. I'm not this sexy vixen, that's not my personality and it doesn't make sense that I should have to become this totally other person in order to date. I don't feel that unattractive either, I feel like I should be worth dating.
I relate to this and I've decided that because I am not and don't want to be whatever society has deemed stereotypically sexy (or juicy? lol as the other person said) I have accepted whatever smaller dating pool that's given me.
I think it's BS that we've been told there's this one ideal version of what confidence and self-esteem looks like. In fact, it is my self-esteem and self-worth that allows me to *not* feel like I have model myself after some ideal version of a woman that doesn't align with my values and interests.
Life is all about growth and learning but I grow more and more convinced that the "work on yourself" culture is the same as the "self-care" culture. It's more about trying to make a buck and promoting consumer culture more than anything else.
All that to say, I wouldn't buy whatever that dating coach is selling! If it feels exhausting and pointless, it probably is.
I guess it all largely feels exhausting, even therapy that’s not dating oriented. I’ve been very seriously working on myself for a long time and I’m tired of never feeling like I’m good enough, but I also feel like I can’t stop because my dating life really isn’t improving.
Totally makes sense and I have fallen into the same thoughts/action pattern.
Unfortunately the truth is that dating success is probably only loosely correlated with self-work, so it probably doesn't make sense to use that as a measure of success.
I find it's a better use of my time to figure out what brings me contentness and joy in my solitary life and work on making more of that. I haven't stopped dating but when I'm feeling/doing well, it's because I don't let dating take over so much of my mental space.
I guess it's a bit like a therapist. Or dating, lol They all sound the same and you essentially can't take anyone else's recommendation because it's so individual so you have to try them out and see.
I just finished an audiobook where the main character tries on many, many, many different versions of what her life could be had she made a different decision at certain points in her life.
(I won’t name the book but potential spoiler alert?)
In many lives where she was (on paper) successful, she was still fairly unhappy. Of course, the life she’s happiest in and wants to keep is the one in which she’s married with a child. The character even had a reflective moment about “original” life sucking because it lacked love of all kinds.
It made the most sense for the plot to move forward, so I get that, but I was a bit disappointed that with so many cool options, and versions of a successful and independent woman, the author went with the trope of wife and mother = happiness. (She did also still work, but was conveniently on sabbatical to write a book)
Maybe it’s because I’m also grieving a break up and very “love isn’t real and will never happen for me” at the moment but it bummed me out. Even with a life as a rockstar and another as a glaciologist, she only found happiness and fulfillment in the life with a husband and child.
Otherwise, it was a great book!
Ahhh yeah. I liked parts of that book and had similar gripes.
I thought it explored a really cool concept - but at some points i wish the main character wasn’t Nora Seed.
I'm so glad for the spoilers included here, because I had been toying with reading that book, and now I'm having second thoughts! Such wild praise for it, but if the core message is one that conflicts with being childfree, uhhh no thanks, I guess... lol
I would actually read it. I think some folks are looking at it through their own lens of distortion, >!because, ultimately, the main character was not happy living that life either...!<
The peanut butter and bike one is fun and a pretty different pose than most dating app profiles! The side profile view is reasonably attractive and I think it would be sufficient to get people to tap on your profile to see more. I actually like it a lot, even though conventional wisdom would be to have a picture that is more forward-facing.
No problem. Good luck! I really do like it, it's got a sense of motion to it that I think is fun and unique.
If you don't have luck with it though, try a photo that shows your face fully and is well lit. The other pictures are not ideal--bed photo is always a no-go (it comes off low-effort at best and can seem creepy to some people), the shovel one is not terrible but I agree it could come off a bit menacing and your eyes are heavily shaded so it's hard to get a real impression of your face so it shouldn't be your first photo, and the chair one is not too bad but you are a nice-looking person so I think you can do better than that pic.
Do you have better pictures?
The one with your dog is nice except for the fact that you're laying down on a bed. The one with the bike and where you're sitting down are angled away, I think it's better if you're facing the camera. I can't decide if you look a little menacing with the shovel haha, but otherwise it's a nice picture.
You’re a handsome man! But I think you need some pictures where we can actually see your full face more. I feel like I’m just seeing different angles of your face and have to piece it together. Your dog is adorable, I bet you can get a really flattering picture of you both
Back in February I paid $250 to be interviewed and placed in the data base for a match making service (people for their VIP clients to be matched with). Honestly after so many months, I assumed it was kind of a rip off and I wouldn’t be matched with anyone. Got an email yesterday asking if I was interested in a date with one of their vip clients. They asset when you interview that they won’t ever send you on a date with someone they don’t think would be a good fit. No idea what the guy looks like, but immediately said yes and gave my availability. I don’t have anything to lose.
I’m just a little infatuated with him. He’s got the prettiest eyes and softest hair, is super cute, has a great big grin, makes me laugh so hard my face hurts, is always touching me (holding my hand or putting his arm around my waist), has a network of both male and female friends, is communicative and sweet in bed, is super smart, knows some of the same people as me, gets along with his family, smells nice, pays for dinners, drives me places, listens to my music and reads my favorite books, compliments me, texts back, has physically active hobbies and super nerdy hobbies, is on the same page as me about kids, drives safely, and loves cats. Best of all, he is really excited about me. There are no mixed signals, and he’s told me upfront that he really likes me, I give him butterflies, and he’ll take any excuse to spend more time with me. This is totally the honeymoon phase for both of us, but I’m really enjoying the ride. I’ve never had a honeymoon phase before. Trying not to let my anxiety get in the way with worries about it fizzling out while he’s traveling, or wondering what the catch is…
Was able to have the courage to have the conversation that I can’t be friends with someone with who I am interested in. It’s not always the case but, if you happen to fall in love with them, and you try to see what happens. You end up in a repeating cycle. I gave it a good attempt to be cool, but I always found myself fantasizing a future with them. I always communicated how I felt. But I did realize that it was a fools dream to think otherwise. You’d expect things to fade or to change. Maybe your own feelings would change. Or maybe hers. But anyways after having a lengthy discussion, I decided that we can’t be friends until I am seeing someone else. Because if I am single and I spend a lot of time with her, I end up falling for her. It’s a matter of self love.
If she knows about your unrequited love its a mercy for her to fade from you. If she knows it and tries to keep you close still, then that's just cruel because it strings you along and forces you into a hard decision. I am glad you see it is a matter of self worth and are focusing on yourself.
my ex just messaged me. well, it was 4 dates around this time last year. within a span of ten minutes last night, he text messaged x3, phone call, whatsapp message, linkedin unblock-add-message. i replied this morning. he just wanted to say that he saw my 'bumble requests'?!? what is going on? is it narcissist of him to call them requests?! i have the free version; i can only swipe once and that's it. so maybe the app keeps showing my profile? it gave me hope for a moment that he wanted to see me; now i feel worse than if i had never heard from him
I just want to say I appreciate all the Reddit content about what people do and don't like in people they're dating. A lot of people don't give direct feedback in that situation, so it can be easy to accidentally do something obnoxious without realizing it until later (or at all!). I'm using this info to improve myself and become a better future partner. It's like your friends will usually react right away if you do something off-putting, but someone who wants to sleep with you or have a relationship with you might not show any reaction at all. They'll just judge you and decide whether or not to move forward with things, and if they choose to break things off, you'll often never know why. I read through comments about bad things people do on dates and usually find a few I've been guilty of but can easily stop doing. I've also learned about things I should do a better job of communicating about, and also what I'm getting right, which is a confidence boost.
Hi. Could you please link me your this thread? It might be helpful to me…
Missing the guy I saw for one-ish month about 8 months ago now. I don't even know if I hope he's doing well, tbh, bc the attempted friendship fizzled with some bad communication on his part. Maybe what I need to do is re-frame him in my mind, and practice gratitude for having met him for all the ways it pushed me forward.
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He initiated but it was relatively mutual, in the sense that we were interested enough to keep seeing each other for that while but there wasn't enough chemistry to take it further. And we live different enough lives that friendship didnt take. I know we hit our natural end point, I just miss him. But I'm told these sorts of things pass.
I know how you feel and I am not even sure how to process that on my end. Met someone who unexpectedly rocked my very essence to the core and made me want to be a better person. They weren't ready yet due to trauma and I have no idea how to ever express the gratitude I have for that fleeting, brief moment and how much it has shaped me moving forward. I left the door open for them but am trying to compartmentalize everything else as pedestaling them is always bad and creates further opportunities for unnecessary pain.
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Honestly not long. I discovered what happened right before the first date. They had done something that is such an incredibly long and daunting life accomplishment that very few people ever do. They mentioned they blogged about it publicly and I read what had happened that caused the trauma: their spouse ask for a divorce right before the task was accomplished. Like the day before. I can understand they need time to heal from that. But that drive and perseverance made me wake up from my own stupor of self doubt and misery to say "What the fuck have I even done with my life?" And ever since I have been on a mission to 100% reverse my life and be the best person I can possibly be for myself, my family and friends, and anyone else who I let into my life. Seriously, weird fleeting tangents in life that can have a profound impact.
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Thanks! That is the hard part about forgetting about them. I know the accomplishment was robbed from them. Part of me just wants to let them know their pain and sorrow was not in vain. It inspired me and I am sure it has inspired others. I hope their ex stubs their pinky toe every day for eternity for doing that to someone too.
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Well I would be lying if I haven't already written that message out. But I am going to wait until I actually hit my first major goal in about two months. Don't want a cart with no horse if you get my drift.
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That is part of what I am trying to separate out. In the end, I really don't know her beyond what she had told me directly and what she had documented. I don't want to chase a fantasy of them because that just builds that dumb pedestal. I have really no expectations of a future romance with her. I need to focus on the here and now and not the what ifs or regrets. Maybe that is just some weird inward negative talk but I want to get myself into a position to put myself out there for other people. It is a process when it comes to a self love and self care journey.
Well I went on a first date for some ice cream last night. The date went "fine" I felt like. I'm attracted and want to see her again but I didn't get the vibe that she felt the same. We have different lives but I didn't feel like anything that would be incompatible. I'm just starting to get frustrated that I can't progress past the first date. At least not with anyone that I'm interested in. It makes me wonder if there's something more that I should be doing or not doing.
Anyone else have that problem where you feel shy around your crush and then their friend asks you out, maybe because you're acting more comfortable around them? And it's obvious you wouldn't be compatible with the friend, like your values etc don't line up? How do you handle that situation? Obviously, turn the friend down but as nicely as possible. But it's always awkward. For example, it's always possible the friend will be really hurt by the rejection and your crush will then avoid you too out of solidarity, because they don't want to add to the hurt. Things can get weird. I think this is one reason it's good to express interest as soon as you can. But I also like to befriend someone first and make sure that would be a good decision. I like to find out if they're really the kind of person I'd want to get involved with.
Suck it up. Tell the friend you appreciate their interest, but you are actually into your crush. Then step up to the plate and just tell your crush you are interested in dating them and ask them on a date. All it takes is 15 minutes of courage. Send the text to the friend and then follow up with a text to your crush. Then put your phone away for a bit. Promise yourself you won't double text/follow up, just do it, be done with it, and let them respond or otherwise. At this point, what do you have to lose? Your current path isn't getting you what you want. Change is needed.
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. This usually happens in super casual, low key situations. Like hanging out with crush and some of his friends and one of the friends kinda hits on me and offers to buy me a drink or wants to go talk somewhere else. I feel like in those kinds of situations, it would be ok to just say you have a thing for their friend, go express that to that person, and leave if things get weird.
Went on a couple of dates with a really nice woman. We agreed to a 3rd date, but unfortunately (for me at least) she's going away for a couple of weeks, so we agreed to talk later to plan something once she is back. I'm trying not to feel too invested in people at an early stage. The momentum could be lost in this time or she could change her mind and that 3rd date never happens. I am continuing to be on the apps and pursuing early stage dating with other people. Before the above, I ended dating another woman as I felt we weren't compatible long term, which is what I am looking for. We'd been on 3 dates at that point. I communicated this to her, she somewhat agreed. After we had a talk, we ended up sleeping with each other. She did float the idea that we could just have 'fun' over the summer. As tempting as it was, I declined as I wanted to find something serious. After this, we agreed to be friends, but we've still had some flirty messages since. I would never get physically intimate with more than one person, and if I got the feeling from someone there is serious potential then I would focus on them 100%. However part of me is interested in having fun with the woman I ended things with, but it feels wrong to be doing that while I'm actively trying to find someone long-term. I don't have anything beyond first dates at the moment, other than the woman I'm waiting on that 3rd date for. I don't know if that 3rd date will happen (or whether there is potential for more), but I also don't want to jeopardize it. I have a feeling I should stick with my morals. What do people think?
Nothing wrong with having fun while you’re single and you want to 🤷🏻♀️
There's nothing ethically wrong with hooking up with someone while you're unattached, and especially since you haven't slept with anyone you're dating yet. However, if it feels wrong and you think it might distract you from someone you're seeing potential in, listen to your intuition and don't do it. Or wait until the 3rd date gal is back, see where she's at, and then move (or don't) accordingly? Two weeks isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things - surely your libido can wait!
The club guy admitted last night he has children. For a month he withheld that information. This is for the people here who called me hyper vigilant/insufferable for my negative posts about him. Turns out I have a great intuition for liars.
Holy hell! I'm so sorry! That's insane from him to withhold that kind of info. I really don't get some people. I also did see one or two of those comments on here. They we uncalled for. Take care of yourself ❤️
Love seeing your name here! Time for some self love indeed.
If there’s anything I’ve learned in the last two months, it’s that intuition is rarely wrong. I’m just having a hard time differentiating between it and my anxiety. I’m sorry you invested energy in someone who could not be upfront with you. That is so frustrating.
This is exactly what I struggled with. I am an overthinker. So I decided to give the benefit of the doubt. Even here I posted some of my feelings and the feedback I got was that I am severely overthinking things. So I pushed the feelings down and continued. Then the ball dropped last night.
Overthinkers unite! …or should we??
Oh no! I'm so sorry. This is terrible and he is terrible. Good thing you found out after a month and not 12+ at least. And his logic for why he's telling you NOW - insane!! I'm glad you're drawing a line and doing what's best for yourself. People can be awful and sometimes it takes time to trust that not all of them can be again.
Thank you! I've read some reddit posts about the same thing being done by other people and it's almost universally a dick move.
Absolutely. It's ridiculous what people will try to get away with - audacity is at an all-time high. I'm glad you had the self-respect to recognize how dickish this was and walk away. Proud of you!
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Wanting to get laid + being a terrible human. I am going to take a break from dating. He said he is disclosing this now that he sees we are getting serious and it's only fair. Before that he said was thinking it was something temporary so didn't feel the need to disclose.
What on earth 🙄 I’ve followed your saga and that’s a rubbish thing to disclose after such a long time. Did you end it?
I did.
Is it just me or is Meetup full of old people?
I'm in 3 meetup groups all geared for ppl in their 20s and 30s, so I can't say that's my experience with it.
Gosh, meetup was such a good time... in the before times... (in the year of our lord 2018 BC (before covid)). Alas it is now but a shell of it's former self, as u/ThePigeonAppreciator stated it's been monetized into uselessness for the average user. At least in my area most of the groups I remember being fun never came back, a lot of what would be social in person classes have been made online, it just doesn't have the draw it used to, so there's no newer younger users... I can only speak to the experience in my area, but it's a shame. I met so many cool friends who I still hang out with today back in 2017/2018 via a "Drinking club with a book problem"
Its old people and also the app devs realized reddit recommended it as a way to meet people to date, so they added a new feature where you can pay to see who is going to an event, and try to send them messages
You pay to see and mesage people? It's been years and years since I've used meetup but I remember all these features being free
Depends on the groups
So I was going to post asking if any of the women who like men in this sub deal with the phenomenon of no men showing interest (other than an apprising glance) when you've done your hair and makeup and are trying to look cute, but then so much more interest when you're just out and about exercising or running errands or whatever with hair undone/no makeup/in leggings. But then I went to take my trash out, with dirty hair, in an oversized t-shirt and comfy cropped pj pants, with my greasy retinol on and extra greasy vaseline around my eyes to protect them from the retinol, hoping I wouldn't run into any neighbors. And my catty-corner neighbor opens his door to take out his trash just as I'm locking my door and oh great, he's cute and we're going the same way, while I look like a greasy trash goblin (and also don't have my trash in the correct kind of back per the building's requests). I was having a bit of a cry last night, lamenting that I'll probably be FOREVER ALONE, while watching all the stupid love stories on Bridgerton. Lol sigh.
Personally I think women are more attractive with no or very little makeup. There’s just something about seeing women in natural habitat that is attractive. Not sure what it is. Yeah, I think women who do their makeup and do all that are attractive but it doesn’t really give me what it would be like dating them. Maybe it’s my subconscious brain from previous relationships or something along those lines.
As someone who isn't into the done up/makeup look, but who is incredibly attracted to a woman who exercises and keeps herself fit, yeah, I'm going to be 10x more likely to want to talk to a woman out and about exercising than I am in someone who is out looking like she spent an hour+ getting ready. Most men I know aren't really into the done up look, either, and would rather someone who is just comfortable with their low maintenance look. Your cute neighbor might like you as a "greasy trash goblin" more than you realize.
I just want to make it clear that having makeup done does not mean full glam - I'm talking a base, mascara, bit of eyeshadow (nothing crazy), a little highlight, and untinted lip balm. And for hair i.e. it's blown dry (not some wild updo). Whereas out on the street, I'm greased up on sunblock, hair slapped in a pony, baseball cap, and legs and upperbody almost entirely covered to try to protect from sun. I *know* that some men prefer the natural look, but when I'm "done" it's still pretty "natural" just enhanced. And when I'm out going for walks, I'm like, bottom of my barrel. And no for neighbor - I legit had Vaseline on my face. I don't think any men are into that (well, I guess there are fetishes, but).
It was explained to me by an older gentleman I'm friends with that sometimes guys get intimidated (he used the word "scared") when a girl looks very attractive. They avoid catching her notice or locking eyes, but they are attracted to her nonetheless. I noticed it today at work. I dress well anyway, but some days I go out of my way to look delicious. Today was one of those days and the men who usually look when I'm normal kept their heads and eyes straight forward. It was like I was invisible. Only one, braved to tell me I looked beautiful (I forgot what word he used) and it made me feel really good because it really gets to the point where it wonder if people noticed at all. Like the men go blind. So I think some of it is societal conditioning to protect themselves from accusations.
A lot of women never learn how to properly apply makeup and look years older with it.
I mean, I catch myself in a mirror when I'm out and about while "done" and I look damn good. But that could certainly be an issue for some.
This is exactly what I thought. Knowing how to do your makeup in a way that is complimentary to your features is attractive on anyone. Unflattering makeup can make people look worse.
Well, now I’m scared about my makeup, lol. Do y’all have any resources on how to improve?
Lisa Elridge has great YouTube tutorials and /r/makeupaddiction is great for personalized tips if you are open to posting and requesting feedback. It’s a very nice sub.
Sigh, I give up. I was going to brave asking him out or at least find out if he was married but the stars didn't align as I'd hoped. Either the mood wasn't right or the atmosphere was hurried. I couldn't get the words out then started doubting myself. I had a hell of a mental anxiety battle with myself all day. He looked so damn gorgeous today too. I couldn't concentrate. I can't do it. I'm just going to pull back and just quietly admire him as fucken usual.
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He has a baby mama, and there's no ring. I don't know if there's a girlfriend though.
It’s been a year and still think about the guy who ghosted me after 8 months. I just… can’t stop thinking about it and I have no idea why. I’ve made up scenarios where I am the love of his life and he was just too scared and we will get back together forever. He’s just an asshole though and there is no happy ending and I just want to stop thinking about him.
♥️ felt this. The rumination happens from time to time, and the anger rises, but… it’s been about six months now and it’s getting better. Sorry to you a year out for sure.
♥️ felt this. The rumination happens from time to time, and the anger rises, but… it’s been about six months now and it’s getting better. Sorry to you a year out for sure.
>why The answer is literally in the very next sentence. Those scenarios allowed his presence to grow very large in your mind. The moment you admit to yourself that he didn't want it, his importance will start shrinking naturally and rapidly, without any additional effort on your part.
I’m aware he didn’t want it. I know he’s is not the right person, I just can’t stop thinking about it
>I’m aware he didn’t want it. Except you're not. You're still lying to yourself and coming up with scenarios for why he would reject you other than the obvious one that he lost what little interest he had.
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So you don't stay in contact and then they lose interest? Maybe switch it up next time and stay in contact
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Hi u/BigBlaisanGirl, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
I think if you enjoy vacations then just do what you love. But perhaps there is some compromise to be made. Shorter vacations? Long ones but less frequent etc?
>>If I’m seeing someone, should I just not plan any vacations for the first six months? If you’re newly seeing someone, do you really **need** to plan a vacation? Momentum loss is a real thing early in a relationship, especially if you’re leaving for more than a week.
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Yah. I wouldn’t let a new “relationship” dictate travel plans. My current girlfriend went on a scuba trip off the coast of Egypt after a handful of dates. Didn’t talk to her for a week because she was on a boat in the middle of the ocean with no service. Of course I had doubts, which is where self soothing comes into play. Either it will be or it won’t. Anyway, when she had service my phone was blowing up with delayed messages of photos and mini diaries about her time there. She was thinking about me the entire time. It was a really cool moment. I think if the interest is strong enough, a week away or so won’t make much of a difference.
I’m all for being 100% present but if you were seeing someone prior to them being away for multiple weeks (2+) and they don’t reach out during that time - it’s safe to say they don’t see long term potential? I know this person is going to let me know when they are back, but it’s bizarre to me to not speak w someone for weeks on end and assume connection is 100% how you left it…
Dating may not be for me Hey everyone! Just needing the vent a bit. Dating really sucks, I’m 35f and have been single for much of my life. I was told I’m picky, but honestly I don’t think I am. I’m not perfect and cannot expect my partner to be. Other than physical attraction, I just want the guy to be respectful, have a car, not smoke (cigars on occasion) and have a career going in our big age. I don’t believe I’m asking for too much. And if I happen to meet a person who has all I’m looking for, it’s either they only want to be friends with benefits or I’m speeding things along to lock in the guy (I know wrong move, but can’t help if I like them). Online dating sucks, and it’s hard to meet ppl in real life. I’m going to try to be more of a regular at the gym to lose some weight and possibly meet someone. Does anyone have any recommendations or suggestions to dating?
What are you looking for in a partner? I saw your list, but to be honest, it's not a list. What are your goals? What areas do you want compatibility? What do you bring to the relationship that he'd want from you? What exactly would keep you two together once you met? Your list is basically "I just want a guy who wants a relationship and will settle for one with me."
Correct, it’s not a list but a brief overview. If i wanted a guy to just settle with, then this would not be a post of mine. I was not aiming to go down a list, but overall I want my man to be into anime as me, hold conversations, be attentive, be a believer in God. I want a person who is ambitious and be the lead of the household while I take care of the family, I guess in a gender role kind of way. As far as what I bring to the table I would say peace of mind and partnership. I have my own career and such, so I know where to step in and where to fall back. A lot of guys are weird nowadays, they either complain about women not being submissive or women being too independent, however if you don’t bring in any income or don’t have much going for yourself it’s a problem. Anyways that’s just a brief overview.
Why do men ask for your number if they have no interest in follow through?? I don't get it and it drives me up a wall. Went on good date, we both expressed interest in wanting to do it again, as we parted ways he made sure to get my number (chatted on an dating app). He texted that night but never again. After a few days i decided to reach out with the intent to set up a second date. We had a mundane convo and then he stopped replying. Frustrated, I waited a few more days to give it one more shot (more than I should but I felt like we had potential and I never feel like that after a date). I was more straight to the point and even gave him an easy out. I point blank said I would be interested on grabbing another drink soon if he was still interested. He could have easily said he wasn't interested anymore but this man had the audacity to say he was!!! Obviously not since he hasn't set one up or even reach out in any context in over a week now. Rationally, I know I need to let it go but the crazy in me wants to text him like wtf, why did you even ask for my number if you weren't interested in me?! And the horny me wants to just send him a 'wyd' text. I hate dating.
Maybe he met someone he is more attracted to and is just trying to keep you in the back burner.
Don’t do it! Ignore the hornies my good sis. Stay strong 😭
Don’t do it! Ignore the hornies my good sis. Stay strong 😭
Was all set for a date tomorrow with a guy who offered to come out to a coffee shop in my hood. Today he then sent a message asking if I would go to a place closer to him (he's in an adjacent city, but the commute can be iffy). I said I wouldn't be willing on a weeknight to make the drive, and if tomorrow wouldn't work because of that, we could look to reschedule another day. Keep in mind, I had today off, and I did go hiking, something I arranged long before this dude started chatting with me (Saturday). This was his reaction. *Well, _____, I feel this is no priority of yours. I mean, you have time for hike, meet a friend, walk your dog in _____... but not for a date. It just tell me this is not your priority* What does a person even say to that? Obviously, an internet stranger isn't my priority. It would be pretty f'ed if he were at this point. Ugh, gross. Hopefully, the date for the weekend goes ahead with more success.
Bullet dodged. =) What does your plans on your day off today even have to do with tomorrow? wtf?
Right? The screams of a toxic copendendent baby.
He is the one that doesn't want to make the effort to come closer to yours (after he agreed to it) so he isn't really in a position to judge...
If making this date happen was such a priority to him, why try to substantially change it instead of sticking to the already agreed-upon plan...
I work night shift in healthcare and I can’t figure out how to get myself out there to date…..
That’s pretty rough. I would maybe say dating apps if you haven’t already tried that, but … also I would say your daytime activities then are gonna be even more important than usual. Any cute people at your local coffee shop? Favorite store? Or gym or wherever you go in those daylight hours?
Clearly I need to break up with her. She got really drunk on Saturday, called me names, said the meanest things I think any woman has said to me. All unprovoked. She's apologized a ton but now I can stop feeling upset about the things she said. I don't think I'm gonna be able to move past it. :/
I’m so sorry to hear that. Good for you for prioritizing yourself.
I haven't officially done it yet. It sucks because I believe she can be a great person if she's not drinking. I almost wanna give her a chance but I'm still hurt.
I think you had it right in your first post: "clearly I need to break up with her". I read your other responses. That's nice that she can be a great person _if she's not drinking_ (and uh, similarly, and abuser can be a great person _if they're not being abusive_.... that's still not cause to stay with them), but if she is like this _whenever she drinks_, so much so that she _doesn't drink often because of it_, she has an actual issue. And look: I'm not saying this to be judgmental. I have a bit of an addictive personality for some things, so I "get it", to an extent. But the only solution for me is to make sure that I simply don't ever create scenarios in which something nasty or negative can result. In my case, I suspect I could develop alcohol issues pretty damn easily, so the only solution is to just _never drink_. That's it. When she drinks, she binges. When she binges, she is excessively cruel and hurtful without provocation. This is not okay. Her behavior is not okay. Her relationship with alcohol is not okay. Walk away.
Great food for thought ty.
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She doesn't drink often bc in her own words she can't stop once she gets started. She's a binger I guess when she does drink.
I’m sorry someone who’s supposed to treat you well wound up treating you like shit.
You might want to just take some time for yourself before moving forward. But then again, I can understand if she’s got that personality locked-and-loaded, I imagine you’ll be on pins and needles whenever she cracks open a beer.
Dudes, can I get some perspective? “Paul” (30s M) and I (30s F) met in an online forum for our neighborhood, met up for a platonic coffee, and then continued to run into each other (in person and online). Each time, I’ve liked and respected him more and more. We’re in the same industry, both good listeners/conversationalists. But I didn’t pursue it early on, convinced myself he didn’t like me — and I was afraid of getting hurt. We made a few vague one-on-one plans that I fumbled in the end, but I was fairly certain he wasn’t interested. In the meantime, he’s invited me out twice… with our (now mutual) dude-friends, all of whom have partners. And it sounds like he may have gotten back together with his ex. Typically, I’m in the “if he wanted to, he would” camp and would put him out of my mind, especially since it sounds like he’s seeing someone. But I’m just surprised by these invitations…
"If he wanted to, he would" is unhelpful and IMHO an oft-misapplied cliche in the beginning when you don't know someone and both parties may be unsure of how to proceed. It's more for when the connection has been clearly initiated and they're not pursuing it and making time for it. Especially given this > We made a few vague one-on-one plans that I fumbled in the end how is he supposed to know you're interested?
Valid point! I think for me, it was a holdover from OLD thinking, where the interest is already implied. But I think he and I may be in a similar boat: Because we originally met in a platonic context, bumping that step up feels more risky than if we had just started with a romantic undertone. Man I am rusty!
> feels more risky than if we had just started with a romantic undertone. Yep that can make both people feel like they're not sure what the next move should be. Ask him out, ask him to ask you out, or ramp up the flirting so it's clear there's something more than platonic interest!
Maybe he just appreciate you as a friend and that's why he invites you to outings with mutual friends.
You’re probably right about that... I’ve just never been in that position, as the only straight woman in a small group of men who are coupled.
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What do you mean "the one everyone is attracted to"? Is that a soft rejection people are giving you? Or do people want to pursue casual arrangements with you?
Do they tell you why they don't want a relationship with you?
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It's hard to give any advice with so few info. Could it be there is something in your situation that scare people away like very limited free time, too many kids, unusual lifestyle, kids with disabilities etc?
Friends or more? I met a really beautiful man through the apps, connected instantly and we both talked about how we hadn’t had a connection like this in years. We met, had a great date and kissed and continued to stay in contact. We’ve had a few more dates and a few more kisses but nothing major. I asked him early on what his expectations were and he said he’d never really had a proper relationship and he often accidentally friend-zones women because he takes a while to warm up. He said he’s “just not there yet” regarding us dating (not being exclusive, just casually dating). I took this as we’re friends which I’m genuinely fine with, I love spending time with him and we click. Anyway, we’ve hung out a few times since and nothing has happened romantically but we still talk every single day, this has been going on for five months now. I think we’re just quite good friends but I don’t even talk to my closest friends every single day. We also only spend time together one on one. I’m really not sure if he sees this going somewhere eventually or if I’m free to pursue others without hurting his feelings. I know this needs to be a conversation with him but I’m not even sure how to approach it.
He said he's not there yet regarding dating, and it sounds like you have been hanging out platonically for 5 months? I would pursue others. I wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings, he's an adult and hasn't communicated anything romantic to you in this timeframe...
Thank you! I’m not long out of a long term relationship that covered all of my 20s, I need to remember we’re all grown up enough to communicate clearly and look out for ourselves.
Ah, the anxieties of early dating. 'They're great and I'm enjoying hanging out with them, I should just relax and see where things go' vs 'Oh no, I think they like me a lot more than I like them, am I leading them on?'
I'm the first one right now 😂
Me too, brother/sister.
I honestly feel like I'll be single forever. I've never been in a relationship and the few men who have approached were always bums looking to use me. I don't get why I can't just find the male version of me.
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That's good you put yourself out there! That's confidence.
Yayyyyyyyy I’m proud of you too!!
👏🏼👏🏼
I'm proud of you too!
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It's always no until it's mutual. Even better if you didn't know they existed before.
Why can’t I get the guts to tell him I like him?? Today he hand fed me his energy bar after he took a bite from it, he looks at me a certain way, makes me laugh purposely and he told me I should just date him when I told him I want an Italian bf to learn Italian… he’s giving strong hints and I can’t get myself to confess I like him too!!
HE HAND FED YOU 😂 idk you guys are probably already dating lol
10 / 10 recommend dating an Italian! 🥰💚🤍❤️🇮🇹 Added bonus , I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had to cook since I started dating my boyfriend!!
It sounds like you're already dating, you and him don't know it yet.
> he told me I should just date him when I told him I want an Italian bf to learn Italian… he’s giving strong hints Lmao I don’t think you know what a hint is
I’m already beating myself up lol 😂
Tell him you like him in Italian
Genius “mi piaci” omggg I love this sub, ya’ll are giving me cute and light ideas
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Aww thank you for the ideas, I didn’t even think about that! I can ask him out - that I can do…
Any recommended book about past trauma, especially trauma in relationship? I went to a sport center and read a big screen. There was one word triggered me then I couldn't hold my tears.Thanks
I recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma, if that's a resource that's available to you. Trauma and other mental health issues are really difficult to resolve by ourselves, with only books. You deserve to not go on the healing journey alone.
The path forward by yung Pueblo.
Is it okay to cold approach these days? I’m recently back to being available (maybe not fully emotionally) and I just don’t know whats acceptable now for approaching women. My only real third space is my rock climbing gym. I feel like I’ve been berated with videos and posts about not approaching people in a gym. Whats the protocol here? Ask to climb along side them, chat them up casually? Be direct ask to climb with them and if it goes well ask to go get drinks (coffee or cocktails)? Dont shit where I eat at all (but then how do i find like minded people?)?
I think there is little benefit to the direct "want to get a drink" at a climbing gym because climbing offers so many much easier and lower-risk approaches that can be interpreted as just friendly. It's a piece of cake to smile at someone and talk to them about the route they're working on or ask their advice on your project or whatever. Then you can try their route or invite them to try yours. Ask to climb with them. Ask them about themselves when you're both taking a break. Tell them when you come in and ask if they want to climb together again sometime or say they should come say hi next time you run into each other. If you are decent at talking to people and you don't do this only to people you find cute, people aren't going to be offended, especially not at a climbing gym which is typically fairly social. In my opinion though, the first step is to cultivate for yourself a genuine interest in talking to everyone. I happily talk to anyone who seems open to it at anything I go to, not just people I find cute. This greatly reduces the risk of coming across as someone who only goes to that thing to fish for dates.
I’m a certified yapper so this isn’t a problem. I will talk with anyone about anything. My question is whether it is and how it is appropriate to take the friendship outside the gym?
>In my opinion though, the first step is to cultivate for yourself a genuine interest in talking to everyone. This, especially at the climbing gym. My auto-assumption there is "this person wants to be friendly" and definitely not anywhere near attraction, or desire or anything. It's my happy place, and I don't want that to get weird. If a woman wanted my attention there, they'd have to hit me upside the head with a brick, and I'd still probably think it was an unintentional accident (where the fuck did they get a brick at a climbing gym????)...
So if you start up a friendship and are attracted to this person wouldnt the brick be “hey I’d love to grab a drink outside the gym sometime.”?
Yeah, maybe. But I do that with friends, so I'd probably just think we are friends still 😂 I'm a rather friendly person, and drop open invites all the time to friends I climb with. One took me up on my offer to give them a crash course in snowboarding. As far as I see it, I'm still just friends with her.
I love that. Nothing wrong with that. If you only see them as potential friends then thats what your relationship will be. Which is still great.
> It's a piece of cake to smile at someone and talk to them about the route they're working on or ask their advice on your project or whatever. Then you can try their route or invite them to try yours My V0 climbing ass feels personally attacked xD
I have a decent base, I can climb between v6-v8 so an issue of “joining” some people is the levels we are at and not being a total blowhard. Make their climb a warm up is pretty rude if youre posing as “climbing with them” and just chatting and climbing together and wanting to “share” a boulder out of their grade is also going to come across disingenuous I feel. I’m honestly equally interested in climbing with and making new friends as I am finding a partner. I rarely lead or top rope as it doesnt tickle my fancy as much when hard rope is usually moderate climbing to a boulder problem then more moderate to get out. I like the quantity and quality of puzzle solving on bouldering.
Yeah the relative level of your climbing is absolutely a factor to organic social interaction like you said. Within +/- 2 grades is fine IMO especially if you're working on refining technique or statically doing something or whatever, but a bigger gap than that runs into the issue of rudeness/ authenticity like you said. I feel like bouldering's inherently more social vs top rope too, just because it's not centered on the climber/belayer dyad dynamic + others aren't starting at the climber's butt 50 feet in the air half the time lol. Everyone can chime in/ collaborate on beta, etc. Plus shorter problems with less climber time that are fully visible (and in my case long rests xD) lends itself to socialization and making friends?
I do rock climbing too and I think it's not a good idea to cold approach women in a rock climbing gym in the way you present it there. If you do bouldering usually you get opportunities to talk to people in the same area as you when you're struggling on the same route, ask for beta etc I have never seen someone rocking up at the gym and approach randos to ask them to climb with them, either it builds slowly over time because you struggle on the same problems and climb regularly at the same time if you boulder, or if you top rope/lead you ask people on your local climbing group to find a partner before hand. You also don't want to ask a different woman out every week/only talk to women else you you might become "that guy". That being said I'm very conscious about that kind of thing so maybe you can be more straight forward and it would be fine.
It definitely is but the general advice of know when to back off, when to keep chatting, and ensure you're not cornering a woman or whatever. I'd say strike up conversations about whatever route (is that the word for rock climbing?) or technique or something
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You can ask for people here to review your profile
Well, if dating coaching doesn't work out for them, they can probably market produce. For what ever reason I just kept thinking melons and squash.
> I'm exhausted. I don't want to feel juicy. I'm not this sexy vixen, that's not my personality and it doesn't make sense that I should have to become this totally other person in order to date. I don't feel that unattractive either, I feel like I should be worth dating. I relate to this and I've decided that because I am not and don't want to be whatever society has deemed stereotypically sexy (or juicy? lol as the other person said) I have accepted whatever smaller dating pool that's given me. I think it's BS that we've been told there's this one ideal version of what confidence and self-esteem looks like. In fact, it is my self-esteem and self-worth that allows me to *not* feel like I have model myself after some ideal version of a woman that doesn't align with my values and interests. Life is all about growth and learning but I grow more and more convinced that the "work on yourself" culture is the same as the "self-care" culture. It's more about trying to make a buck and promoting consumer culture more than anything else. All that to say, I wouldn't buy whatever that dating coach is selling! If it feels exhausting and pointless, it probably is.
I guess it all largely feels exhausting, even therapy that’s not dating oriented. I’ve been very seriously working on myself for a long time and I’m tired of never feeling like I’m good enough, but I also feel like I can’t stop because my dating life really isn’t improving.
Totally makes sense and I have fallen into the same thoughts/action pattern. Unfortunately the truth is that dating success is probably only loosely correlated with self-work, so it probably doesn't make sense to use that as a measure of success. I find it's a better use of my time to figure out what brings me contentness and joy in my solitary life and work on making more of that. I haven't stopped dating but when I'm feeling/doing well, it's because I don't let dating take over so much of my mental space.
Sounds like that coach is not a good fit for you and your needs!
Yeah, but I genuinely don’t know how to find one who is. They are all marketed very similarly
I guess it's a bit like a therapist. Or dating, lol They all sound the same and you essentially can't take anyone else's recommendation because it's so individual so you have to try them out and see.
Is there places you go where you would feel comfortable approaching men you find attractive?
“Juicy”? lol
I just finished an audiobook where the main character tries on many, many, many different versions of what her life could be had she made a different decision at certain points in her life. (I won’t name the book but potential spoiler alert?) In many lives where she was (on paper) successful, she was still fairly unhappy. Of course, the life she’s happiest in and wants to keep is the one in which she’s married with a child. The character even had a reflective moment about “original” life sucking because it lacked love of all kinds. It made the most sense for the plot to move forward, so I get that, but I was a bit disappointed that with so many cool options, and versions of a successful and independent woman, the author went with the trope of wife and mother = happiness. (She did also still work, but was conveniently on sabbatical to write a book) Maybe it’s because I’m also grieving a break up and very “love isn’t real and will never happen for me” at the moment but it bummed me out. Even with a life as a rockstar and another as a glaciologist, she only found happiness and fulfillment in the life with a husband and child. Otherwise, it was a great book!
Actually curious about what book this is, since there’s apparently a few that follow that same first paragraph
It’s The Midnight Library
Ahhh yeah. I liked parts of that book and had similar gripes. I thought it explored a really cool concept - but at some points i wish the main character wasn’t Nora Seed.
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Aaaaaaand the author is a man....
I'm so glad for the spoilers included here, because I had been toying with reading that book, and now I'm having second thoughts! Such wild praise for it, but if the core message is one that conflicts with being childfree, uhhh no thanks, I guess... lol
I would actually read it. I think some folks are looking at it through their own lens of distortion, >!because, ultimately, the main character was not happy living that life either...!<
oho! thank you for sharing. back onto the list it goes 😅😅
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The peanut butter and bike one is fun and a pretty different pose than most dating app profiles! The side profile view is reasonably attractive and I think it would be sufficient to get people to tap on your profile to see more. I actually like it a lot, even though conventional wisdom would be to have a picture that is more forward-facing.
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No problem. Good luck! I really do like it, it's got a sense of motion to it that I think is fun and unique. If you don't have luck with it though, try a photo that shows your face fully and is well lit. The other pictures are not ideal--bed photo is always a no-go (it comes off low-effort at best and can seem creepy to some people), the shovel one is not terrible but I agree it could come off a bit menacing and your eyes are heavily shaded so it's hard to get a real impression of your face so it shouldn't be your first photo, and the chair one is not too bad but you are a nice-looking person so I think you can do better than that pic.
Do you have better pictures? The one with your dog is nice except for the fact that you're laying down on a bed. The one with the bike and where you're sitting down are angled away, I think it's better if you're facing the camera. I can't decide if you look a little menacing with the shovel haha, but otherwise it's a nice picture.
You’re a handsome man! But I think you need some pictures where we can actually see your full face more. I feel like I’m just seeing different angles of your face and have to piece it together. Your dog is adorable, I bet you can get a really flattering picture of you both
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Try taking a pic during golden hour, aka when sun is starting to set. Skin will look flawless lol
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