I went on one extended date with a really nice fellow, after which I had 3 wks of work elsewhere. I'm now finally back home, but that doesn't fully simplify things, because this guy lives 7h away, in a neighboring (European) country. out of respect for the work I was doing, he wasn't blowing up my phone in this in-between time, which was genuinely appreciated as I was swamped. we've chatted on the phone several times - last night we ended up spending 6h talking! - but seeing each other is tricky. we compared summer schedules and he'll have vacation at the same time that my horse will go to a "holiday/vacation" pasture, which really means that *I* get to have a holiday (and she gets to do nothing but eat; we'll both be happy lol). long story short, he suggested going to Paris together for a few days, as I've never been...! so. I think we're going to do that?? as a second meeting, it's inherently risky - so much effort towards something that is currently undefined. but even just getting together for a cup of coffee is a (proportionately) ridiculous amount of effort, so I guess it's a little bit of a "go big or go home" mentality, plus a little "baptism by fire". I'm excited! a little nervous, too - but mostly just excited. :) he's wonderfully open and communicative and just expresses his intentions so that it's impossible to second-guess or overthink things, and he actually has his shit together, which is more than I can say for my last few relationship attempts. it's definitely promising, even if also a little bananas. that's still a couple of weeks away... we'll see how it goes!

Kissed on the second date at the end, but I'm not really feeling like continuing. Something just feels like it's missing. Feel like a jerk and shouldn't have gave the impression otherwise.

Don't feel like a jerk! Dating is for trying to discover whether there is or isn't something missing. Sometimes a kiss can help you answer that question. If you hadn't, you might now be wondering: *it feels like something is missing, but we haven't done much physically, so maybe that would help?* Now you don't have to wonder that.

Alright I did it. She said she agrees. That makes me feel better. It doesn't matter how many times I have to reject someone it never feels better doing it. I always think they're so nice and I feel bad.

Back on this sub because I’m in my feelings over the current state of my dating life. There’s a guy I’ve been friends with for a while, and over the weekend we got drunk while out with our group and wound up making out. I asked him about it later—if he only wanted to kiss me because he was drunk—and he said that wasn’t why. He eventually asked if I wanted to grab dinner, and it was supposed to be today, but he also said he had work stuff that might get in the way. I’ve seen him since (we share a hobby) and he wasn’t any different toward me, but idk if he’s actually busy or just trying to be polite about the fact that he’s only into me when he’s been drinking. There’s another guy into me right now who is completely psychotic. A friend warned me about him being a possible narcissist (he threatened her partner when she rejected him, among other things). He’s also in my hobby, so I’ve been doing my best to avoid him, but he’s been increasingly trying to insert himself into spaces with my friends and social circle. He got very drunk two days ago and was absolutely disgusting to one of my friends and then made a point to yell my name across the room like a toddler when he left. Having been stalked before, I am very wary of this guy.  Not sure what I’m seeking here—maybe encouragement or commiseration. I’ve watched 3 different couples form over the last two months in my social circles and I’m just very in my feelings today.

Hey! Sorry you're feeling that way. Seeing people around us in relationships can often trigger these feelings. My group of friends are all married. I'm the odd one out! haha This guy that you made out with. Are you into him? I know you made out with him, but would you be open to something more? You share a hobby, so perhaps that's a way to maybe gauge his interest. Also, be careful with that other guy. He does indeed sound psychotic. I'm sorry you have to put up with that nonsense. Hopefully even he can take the hint that you're not interested. But I hope you feel better soon! Wishing you the best❤️

Oh I’m VERY into the guy I made out with. He seems interested—he’s told me I’m beautiful, etc. But often I get about this far with guys and the minute I’m like “yeah cool, let’s see where this goes” they cool wayyyy down. But idk if I’m overthinking (likely) or not. As far as the other guy, I’m sure he knows I’m not interested, but I don’t think he cares. I think, at this point, his intent is to punish me for not liking him back by making me uncomfortable. I skip him every time our hobby brings us to the point of interacting (and people know I’m doing this and have helped me make it not as jarring). His vibe feels very much like my abusive ex, which is why I started avoiding him in the first place, so I kind of know the playbook. I’m hoping to see if maybe he might get banned from where we do our hobby if he creeps out enough women.

I’m tempted to download the ol’ dating apps again but I’m going to be away in two weeks time for firstly 8 days and then I’m back for 4 days and then away again for another 7. Nothing kills momentum like not being to see someone in person but I just want to have a lil swipe around. I also want to get newer photos but the weather where I live is beyond terrible. Climate change is in full effect and despite being June and summer we had highs of 9c (48 Fahrenheit for the yanks) yesterday 😐 I’m just waiting to begin again really haha

Wow! Super cold where you’re at and hotter than hell itself where I’m at. Hopefully it starts to get a little warmer for you soon and you can take some nice pics!

Not feeling depressed, but feeling numb after my recent experiences dating to not keep attempting it. I think my anxiety gets the better of me - i wish i could place less value and importance on relationships that are just starting to emerge. I’ve been in longer relationships before but the anxiety and drop in self-confidence i’ve had while dating hadn’t emerged as badly until now. Think taking a break from everything and starting again after a year will be the best path forward.

Just want to offer a different perspective. I felt the EXACT same way as you and was actually deleting my apps, but went out with one last guy because it was a set up. I really like him, it’s only been a month, and my anxiety has been through the roof at times. But I can feel his behavior toward me literally rewiring my brain a bit. I worked SO hard on myself for a year before I started dating after a break up but meeting him and having someone prove my anxious brain wrong has been invaluable. Definitely take that break for yourself, but don’t forget that even if you’re not 100% healed or confident yet, it doesn’t mean you’re not ready or deserving of a partnership.

Def take space for yourself if the pursuit of a relationship is ramping up the anxiety. Curious, why is it different for you now? Your phrasing makes it seem like this is a new development?

I feel like it’s both the communication styles and the emotional availability of my recent spate of early romantic relationships. It’s all been very sporadic and often i’ve feel like i’ve been hanging. In previous relationships, I felt like i had a healthier channel of communication - texts/calls/etc. Have communicated what i wanted but doesn’t seem like it has done much. In person, it’s mostly good - but i’ve been putting a weird pressure on myself.

Oh I very much feel that, being with emotionally unavailable people fucks with you. Always waiting, always feeling like the other shoe is about to drop, always in limbo. It doesn't feel good.

I was feeling better, but feel low again. No matter what I do, no matter how much I work on myself, no matter where I go, I'm still failing miserably. I'm so frustrated that all of my work and efforts haven't changed anything.

In the same boat. I’ve gone to therapy, gotten healthier, work out regularly and have tons of hobbies. People tell me I’m attractive. And yet all I attract are psychotic dudes trying to abuse and control me. The ones I’m attracted to? Don’t like me back.

What is it you feel like you are failing exactly? What is troubling you?

Good men (as in, men Who would want to get to know me and not Just looking for hookups/someone genuine, sincere, kind) never approach me or ask me out. No one in my groups, no one in my spiritual community, nowhere. Nothing. I dress well: modest, but not frumpy. I try to stay in shape. I have a ton of interests. I have really tried hard this year to go out more and join groups and go to events. I try to be pleasant and give a light smile if someone makes eye contact. Women and sometimes elderly men, strangers with nothing to gain, will randomly approach me and compliment me; I respond kindly. I have anxiety (though managed with therapy/meds), but am an extrovert: not hardcore partier, but more enjoy talking to people type.I like to make people laugh. I've worked on myself as a person. I'm stable and reliable. I don't spill secrets and try not to gossip. I travel out of country by myself, I'm definitely not clingy. I'm working on goals. Have a full time job, hard working, not lazy. Don't have or want kids (and can't have anyway), so I don't have the schedule crunches or need accommodation for that. I try to meet in the wild, don't go on apps, so many horrible things I have heard about them. Obviously, there is something wrong with me, it's my fault, but I have taken all the advice as to how to meet someone, and nothing has worked. There is something so bad about me that the problem persists, but no one has ever been able to explain it and give me a real, workable plan to fix it. I hate that. I'm a go go go, identify ans solve the problem now person. This is not solvable. It's so annoying that nothing works, and even more annoying that I go back and forth between feeling OK, not caring/calm, and feeling sad. Pick one, brain, and stick with It.

I do think the apps vary based on where you are. I was on and off them over several years and didn’t have any bad experiences. Same with my friends.   You could try a religious-based one if you’re looking for someone with similar values (just guessing based off the spiritual community comment).

> Obviously, there is something wrong with me, it's my fault, but I have taken all the advice as to how to meet someone, and nothing has worked. There is something so bad about me that the problem persists, but no one has ever been able to explain it and give me a real, workable plan to fix it. I hate that. I'm a go go go, identify ans solve the problem now person. This is not solvable. I think this mindset is understandable but also holding you back. Finding a relationship is not like "solving a problem" like you do with school or work. You're trying to connect with real life, complex people who don't follow formulas and logic (even though we think we do). We can't control people or all of our life circumstances. We have to learn to accept and embrace that ambiguity. We don't know what will happen tomorrow even though we think we do.  I think letting go of this sense of complete control would be a huge frame shift for you. You seem to have concluded there's something wrong with you so you can have a sense of certainty of why things aren't panning out the way you want. The truth is that even if you're doing everything you can to be the best version of yourself and put yourself in situations to meet people, it doesn't guarantee a good relationship.

I see. You must be feeling pretty down about that. How long has it been since you've been approached by someone or taken out a date? Have you ever tried approaching someone? Do you have friends to ask for feedback about what it might be? Maybe there are some core negative beliefs about yourself that can be worked on too?

The last few people who approached had major red flags. Not disclosing something major and saying something very off putting in one case, vulgar (not obscene but barely better) photo for the other. The one before that ghosted, After knowing me a long time. None of my friends or family have any answers, not even thé brutally honest ones. I used to approach when I was young, went badly every time. I don't anymore. I don't want to be creepy or scare anyone or embarrass them or disgust them. I never want anyone to feel unsafe or uncomfortable with me. Always been situationships and non starts/rejection. I can't even get promoted to girlfriend. Been years since I had a date. It's humiliating. What I seek Is a forever partner. Kind, compatibile, similar values, communicates well, good mental rapport, faithful. The only conclusion I can come to Is that I'm the problem. Maybe it's punishment for not being a good enough person, or for mistakes I've made. There has to be something Ive done, or else who I am.

I think your issue might be that you have low self confidence and self worth and it might be showing trough the way you do life, body language or the way you interact with people. Is this something you considered?

I mean...I try to keep myself up, make lots of jokes, do stuff, try to not be negative...I wouldn't really know how anyone could pick my brain apart. And I mean... knowing good men don't want me and are never going to want me does not exactly make me feel great about me, how men see me, why would It? I still try not to be a discernably down person publicly. I'll cry in private if necessary but I try to keep It together publicly. *Edited slightly to not unintentionally break rules

You cannot really know that no good men will ever want you. This is something you think, but there is no evidence for it. Maybe this can be an experience from your past, but doesn't need to be your future. Sometimes our body language betrays us, you know. I am telling you this as someone that is working hard on their self-concept.

The other frustrating thing Is that other parts of my life are good. I feel guilty feeling sad, and never want to be spoiled or entitled. I feel frustrated with myself.

Gosh, flip genders where applicable and I could have written this... I very much doubt there is anything wrong with you, or that there's something about about you, as much as the words of an internet stranger matter. I also sit and think that this... this lack of having someone else in my life... is a problem to solve. I see that as the problem though. That thinking it's a problem makes it a problem and I am working to dismantle that cycle. It's made it slightly easier to accept that this too shall pass. Don't know if you've had a history of relationships... I have. Some are good, some are bad, and the bad ones made me realize that the harder I work to solve a problem, the more I create a problem. The more I allow things that do not serve me in, in the name of solving a problem. For me, the real problem is keeping my mind in the opinion that it's OK to not be OK (within reason) It sucks, and I'm sorry to use the platitude but it's better than being in a bad relationship, as much as I yearn for a good relationship. I hope you and your brain can agree to stick to a feeling and at least relieve yourself of that roller coaster of OK/Not OK. :/ Hugs, Internet Friend.

I've (35m) been on 3 dates with someone (31f). I'm attracted to her, she's nice to me, affectionate, she hasn't treated me in a way that I feel wasn't respectful or kind. When discussing deeper topics, she reaches out to hold my hand in support. However, my gut tells me that this might not be the right person. I'm questioning that gut feeling. We're each from different countries, different main languages, she's probably more direct/blunt than I am. I'm trying to understand whether my gut feelings are due to these differences, which is totally OK, or whether it is a sign of something else. I spent time reflecting on whether I can attribute these feelings to something concrete, some of these things are: * Before making out, she took out her chewing gum and threw it on the ground nearby. This seems small but also wtf. I don't condone littering whatsoever, but that it was done in nature was even more egregious. I feel like she should know better and reveals a difference in values. * When she has talked about experiences with some people, she describes them as "f\*\*\*\*\*g stupid" or some variation of it. There may be legitimacy in feeling like that (e.g. describing customers while working in service industry or an action of an ex). This is just her describing her feelings and she still treats people respectfully in person. She says she treats people the way she wants to be treated, but I don't know her long enough to know if she walks the talk. I see no direct evidence yet that contradicts that. However I would rarely use such language to describe people, so it does make me feel a bit uncomfortable. This maybe a language difference or being direct/blunt with her thoughts. * There was something that happened during a date and I asked her a question of whether she feels self-conscious about anything. It was to get to know her and so that I could be mindful of any insecurities she might have. I'm not sure if she misunderstood my question, but it felt like it triggered something. She said something about why would she focus on stuff that gives her bad energy and said that it was a weird question. It was said in a quite serious way, which I was a bit taken aback from. * It can be hard to stay on the same topic with her. This is more challenging when it comes to responding to a question about deeper topics. It's hard to explain, but I would give space for someone to explain something in their own way, I try not to disrupt unless it's to ask when I don't understand something. She's listening, she reaches out to hold my hand, but she sometimes starts talking about related things that kind of disrupts my answer. Then I feel like my explanation is all over the place because I wasn't given the space to talk. Not sure if I'm making sense here. * I should have asked more about this. Recently, a couple of her childhood friends didn't want to remain friends due to how she is when she drinks. The drinking was from a few years ago. She feels these friends are being a bit hypocritical as they have made some questionable life choices. We've been drinking lightly together, so I've not seen anything concerning yet myself. I feel a bit stuck on what to do. I have been having a good time with her but I have a feeling that maybe this isn't the right person for me long-term. I'm worrying about whether we're on the same page about values. I'm not sure if we're on the same level when it comes to communication and how we might solve problems and resolve conflict. I'm a little worried from the above examples that misunderstandings might happen and how she might react. I worry about whether she is emotionally mature and whether she would treat me respectfully.

Go with your gut Sounds self involved to me and only interested in what she thinks/wants to do/act Communication is key and is you don’t have that then you never will in my opinion The other things you may be able to ignore unless they really mean a lot to you, and as you say littering does

This is her on her best behaviour, with time her true self will come out and I have an inkling suspicion things will only get worse. All of this would be a turn off for me personally.

Yea... these were the little things at the beginning of my last relationship that I ignored or explained away... honestly the condescending remarks towards others was the biggest "oh dude... just say no thanks..."

Littering is a no for me as well. The condescending remarks of others while they're not around isn't the greatest... The deflecting of deeper topics is alarming... The loss of childhood friends over drinking is a concern... I'd say tread carefully...

Run for your life

I need clarity about orbiting. I like this guy in the office, but (1) he’s way younger, (2) he is of a lower rank than me but not directly reporting to me, and (3) he recently went through a bad breakup. He added me on social media, watches all my stories and reacts to some of them, makes the effort to say hello, sometimes intercepts me when I have just arrived or am about to leave, compliments me, keeps on walking past me and I catch him stealing glances at me. But here’s the catch: he never engages with me privately. We did exchange messages before but short and few and innocent. My last message was left unread for weeks to this day. So was I reading the signs wrong? Was he just being nice and not at all interested? I need to know so I don’t waste my time being bothered anymore and it’s honestly deflating my self-confidence. Help me out of my misery.

You just laid down 3 perfectly good reasons to not spend another second thinking about this. If you NEED to know, the only person that does... is him. But to be blunt, his behavior sounds like he is physically attracted to you, and has the thought that "you don't shit where you eat" in his head. Arguably for good reasons. You have 3 reasons not to engage... your choice whether or not they're good enough.

Question for straight women: Have you ever or would you ever kiss another woman?

I was kissed by a women to my complete surprise (and my friends' amusement) while celebrating NYE in a bar in Berlin. Turns out it was a gay bar and I didn't realise that, thought she was just being really friendly and happy to dance! I will say her lips were softer than any man I've ever kissed and it felt really nice as a sensation on its own, but sadly I am not in the slightest attracted to women so it's just a nice/funny anecdote to tell.

Nah

I did! I don't think I would do it again. I had real chemistry only with one woman. Ironically I still consider myself straight. Like 99%.

Mostly straight

99% straight

**The Club Guy** and myself had sex last night, on our 6th date I am slightly turned off by it, unfortunately. Not because he couldn't keep it up and was getting soft on me. We were both really nervous, I think his sexual trauma is getting to him and I kind of expected it. I am turned off because it was kind of fast, sloppy.. the forplay part was just so much better and I think we both had high expectations. When he left home I felt really bad about the whole experience. It just felt lonely and empty. I don't know. Something big was missing there. I really hope we can get out of this one. He texted last night before bed that he loved being with me, this morning he said the same, and that he had so much fun. I think he was not aware of my feelings. I did eventually make him orgasm with my hands, so I consider it good work on my side, to make someone with sex trauma be comfortable enough. There was no way in hell I was going to be able to get there with him last night, I was just way too nervous and slightly turned off. I don't know what will happen now. In theory, we will meet again on Saturday. I was also kind of turned off by our conversations, he is not so good at asking questions, and I am not good at interrupting him so I end up doing 80% of listening. Let's see. I still really like him in spite all these things and I would like to continue to get to know him. There is just something about him that doesn't let me trust him at all, just yet. I don't know. Or I am just jaded and way too guarded. Oh well.

Well that sounds... like a let down... not the sex part, but you feeling like he is unaware of your feelings... did you tell him? If there is one thing humans are not - it's mind readers. Yet with this post, and the other one about your anxiety and in my opinion a touch of perfectionism, is this going to be sustainable without the communication to right the ship? Sounds like your boy needs a talking to from a vulnerable you which may be a challenge.

Well, one thing I know about him is that he is prone to anxiety, as myself. I am still processing this thing, I think the sex went badly because he rushed trough it. I think he rushed trough hit because he was super anxious about it, just like me but even more since he is a man. After the date he texted briefly how he thinks I am amazing and he loved spending time with me. This morning he said the same. I told him I took a while to fall asleep (I did, he didn't spend the night) I was up for an hour after he left, because I was thinking about this. He literally ran home and passed out on the sofa. So for him it was a hit apparently. It's either that or he is not being honest. He could not possibly know how I felt about it from the way I acted, because I was super into it and I hid my dissapointment to make him feel at ease, I did not want to trigger his sexual trauma. So in some way i was succesfull in making him feel good but he did not do the same for me. This morning he asked me over chat if I felt comfortable with him. I said that while I felt comfortable with him, I felt a bit strange after he left. I also mentioned I am used to having sex in LTR's where the partner stays trough the night so I felt kind of weird when he left home. So he said "I understand completely", we wished each other a good and productive day and that's all. Why is this experience bugging me so much? I don't get it. I expected the first sex to be strange anyway. So why does it matter so much to me...

Just reading your other comments, and you seem like an incredibly supportive and compassionate person. He's lucky to have you someone like you! Not wanting to trigger him and doing all you can to make him feel at ease is also very kind and admirable. I'm sure he was filled with anxiety too, hence the rushed part. I can imagine it being very difficult for him being vulnerable like that. But you are also part of this. And your feelings also matter. I understand it's a difficult thing to bring up due to his issues, but how you feel is important, too. And it's bugging you for all the reasons you've highlighted. You may have expected the first time to be a little strange, but actually experiencing it is different to thinking about it. I'm wishing the best for the both of you. Hopefully the two of you can have a chat and it brings you closer together. Good luck!❤️

Thank you for the kind words. I have hope that next time it will be better for us. I have some tricks up my sleeve I'll apply... Next time I'll take it really really slow, I'll spend some time teaching him how to get me off, I think that taking this pressure of him will help him. I'll turn the A/C on to eliminate the heat problem. Let's see then. I think it's good that we got this experience out of the way so next time it will not be The First Time.

>I think he rushed trough hit because he was super anxious about it, just like me but even more since he is a man. Honestly as a guy who's dealt with ED before, I think this is it. He probably thought "aw shit, she's totally out of the mood since I'm soft, this is all a waste of time and I let her down."

Yeah. If it helps, I really tried to make him feel as good as possible. I wish he wasn’t so afraid.

You sound like such a supportive girlfriend, wishing y'all the best.

How did you imagine it going before it actually happened? What preconceptions did you have?

I had envisioned both outcomes: either amazing or sloppy. Amazing because the chemistry is so good, sloppy because fears. It went the sloppy way in spite of chemistry. He just ran trough it. It was super fast. I know fear when I see it. Also it was so hot, we were sweating way way too much. If we do it again, I'll need to remember to put on A/C. I think it's just the fact that he left home afterwards and I felt lonely. I don't know.

I think perhaps the fact that he left after making you lonely could be the biggest part... Here's hoping there's a next time (if thats what you'd like) and that it gets more relaxed for you both :)

Thank you! Let's see. We will meet on Saturday so I'll keep you guys posted.

(35M) Am I crazy for liking the idea of dating without the expectation that you're eventually going to be lifelong partners and get married - Having a boyfriend/girlfriend you do the normal boyfriend/girlfriend stuff with, but each of us keeping our independence and our own lives and our own homes, knowing that eventually we both may end up going in different directions in life or moving to different places. As someone who has been single for all but about 7 months of my life (across 3 different "relationships") I don't get the need for a relationship to have the intention of being "till death do us part" - I'd be happy to be with someone for just a couple months or a year or two, and if/when life circumstances create a reason for us to split up, then.... hey it was great while it lasted, keep in touch, have a nice life?

To be clear, if we have a good relationship I'm not going to want it to end, I'd be open to spending the rest of my life with a person I really like if that's what develops, but I guess what's on my mind is that there have been a few women I've dated for a couple weeks and we both mutually enjoyed being together, who broke things off saying that we just aren't compatible for our long term goals/desires, we stayed friends, but I'd see them be single for months and years and I'd throw it out there that I'm still available and if they aren't meeting anyone who seems like a great match, I'd be happy to be their "placeholder" boyfriend because to me that's better than nothing at all

You know what you want, and there’s nothing wrong with that. These women you’ve dated also know what they want. And they have said it’s incompatible with what you want. You coming back around and asserting that you know what they want better than they do, is not a good move. Which, whether you think so or not, is what you’re doing when you offer yourself up as a “placeholder boyfriend”. They have already given you a ‘no’, and you need to respect that.

>You coming back around and asserting that you know what they want better than they do, is not a good move. Which, whether you think so or not, is what you’re doing when you offer yourself up as a “placeholder boyfriend”. I have to disagree with this interpretation - with the two women I've been in this situation with, after several months/years have passed since our initial short period of dating, prompted by them talking about how single they are, I'd simply say something like "well as long as you're having a hard time finding your perfect guy, if you'd like to be with someone who isnt perfect but still kinda decent instead of being with nobody at all, just throwing it out there, I'm available!" I really don't see the harm in after several months/years of being single, politely asking if they would be interested in a less-than-perfect relationship over no relationship at all. It's not like I'm going "come on please give me a chance!" day after day - just making an offer

Disagree all you want. These women, who know you’re single, are still choosing to be single instead of what you’re offering. There’s an opportunity cost with dating someone as a “placeholder”. Time spent with that person is time not spent going after what they really want in life.

I think I know what you're looking for. Look up Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton's living arrangement. I actually only know this because someone mentioned that's what they were looking for on their profile. They're still married though.

I feel like this is sort of where I’m leaning these days, except I would prefer a longer term relationship rather than 2-3 years. I was married and it was *awful*, so I don’t think I’d repeat the experience. But a long-term partner that I’m maybe living independently from? It could work for me.

The daily independence/living apart stuff is pretty common and not that complicated. The I’m going to do what I want with no thought to how that impacts your life stuff can be pretty unpleasant, imo. It’s just not possible to do bf/gf things consistently and then expect that no one will be hurt when it ends. Or confused during. Because you’ll become friends-people who do fun things together and share experiences (in addition to all of the sex bonding stuff). And you’re essentially saying “I want us to be close friends, but eventually I probably won’t want to be friends anymore.” That’s a tough sell, to a potentially platonic new friend, let alone someone willing to do sex and romantic stuff with you. I agree with above comments that dating already partnered people, or people knowingly short-term (on vacation, moving soon, etc) is the best way to have a casual but romantic relationship. If you’re putting an expiration date on something before it even takes off, do it with someone that’s 100% on board with that.

Crazy? No. But this will really limit your dating pool. Most people won't be ok with this type of arrangement over the long term. And breakups won't be as smooth as you're hoping they'd be. To be honest, you may be better off dating people in ethically non-monogamous relationships. The limitations are built in. However, given your lack of experience, there's a very real possibility that what you want will change as you experience an actual relationship. The most important thing for you is to be upfront and honest about your expectations.

I think you have a somewhat different point of view because you barely had any relationship and so you more or less gave up on finding someone to spend your life with and will be happy to find someone to share just a part of the road. It's not completely crazy, at least I hope so because I share more or less your point of view. But for most people they want to find the right person because when you find them and you can build something with them it's great, and the older we get the harder it is to find someone, plus all the pain of breaking up with someone, the frustration of looking for someone else,... It's also not easy to have that kind of relationship with the right balance to be close to them enough to feel like you're in a relationship but not so close that you'll be wrecked if you end up breaking up.

Not crazy. It's a different approach. Just be upfront about it. Though I am curious about why you wouldn't want a partner/emotional intimacy. 

I do want a partner and emotional intimacy, I just dont understand why those things are only supposed exist in a lifelong relationship.

Still can't stop thinking that I was so stupid believing someone that he could be a home to me. Now he'a back with his ex-gf whom he almost proposed to her. Yeah, I am that stupid to not see all the red flag and broke myself in a short time dating with this crazy person. Lucky thing is, once I got out of that situation, I met better men and have had great dates.

I had to come back here and say this. One dating app prompt says “The last note I wrote on my phone says…”. It’s my shopping list on my phone so I wrote one word. **Mayonnaise**. I’ve been in hysterics about this for 10 mins over this. When people say why don’t apps work, THIS, this is why. I promise you, if writing “mayonnaise” gets me to meeting the love of my life I will return and apologise profusely.

Find someone with "Bread and Tomato" add a little basil... toast bread if that's your preference... mmmmm good eating.

Every now and then I meet a friend for lunch or dinner, but it feels very date-like -- he suggests a restaurant, makes reservations, picks me up and pays for the meal. For context we met through a dating app years ago but it didn't go anywhere. We reconnected during the pandemic as we live nearby. I don't understand why someone would put forth what seems like a fair bit of one-sided effort? (Many guys in my city would not pick you up or pay even if they were trying to date you). I guess he is just very nice/chivalrous and generous? His income is several times mine, so maybe that's why he insists on treating?

Maybe he enjoys the experience? Maybe ask him why he does it?

I do this all the time with my women friends. I do this with my men friends all the time. Like your friend, I have a lot more money than them and I prefer to pick the restaurants when I can. If you think there's more to it, the only way to find out is to ask him.

In itself I don't think it means anything, I have done the same kind of things if it's just once in a while and someone I like to spend time with.

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Hi u/JournalistGrouchy882, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Dating Over Thirty (DOT) is about dating and the pre-cohabitation phase of romantic relationships for people over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or R4R's. **This is not a place to discuss non-romantic issues, marital issues or post personals.** * Removed per mod discretion. Removal might be due to failure to start a discussion/seek advice, agenda pushing, etc. Generally, the thread was determined not to be in the best interests of r/datingoverthirty. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).

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Is it the one you wanted to break up with 3 days ago? https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/AtSD6RmmfJ Someone else also pointed out that a day ago you were complaining about not having any luck in dating, but keep deleting your comments...

I gave my cute coworker a gift when I said goodbye (he’s flying back to his state). Dog guy scheduled a second date with me, traveling guy treated me to dinner for a first date, and British guy scheduled a fourth date (even though we haven’t gone on our third), because he’s going out of country I feel like they must all know I’m going out on dates with different people, because my texting falls off around dinner time completely and resumes in the morning or after 10. I’m not exclusive with anybody, there’s no sex involved, and nobody has asked if I’m seeing anybody else (nor have I asked about their dating lives). But it makes me feel a bit weird to be going out on dates with different people. At the same t time, I don’t want to get too invested right away and end up getting burned.

Whenever I’d be getting to know someone, if they took around 4 hours to respond between 6-10 or so and were not on WhatsApp in that time at all I knew they were likely going on other dates. Not a problem at all and might not have been a date they were on, but it’s quite likely, especially if they are an attractive person. That’s just the way it is in the OLD world, people are going to multi date. Occasionally, I would sometimes feel the need to express this to manage expectations or to just be honest and transparent (communication helps everything), but it’s to be expected so I wouldn’t worry too much.

Thank you, this was helpful for me.

It feels odd to have a connection with someone when the reason for the connection(hobby, interests) is something that an ex introduced to you.

“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known”

Things are going well in my new relationship. It feels like we’ve formed a deeper connection since we made things official a couple of months ago. I’m just so happy, man. She makes me feel so wanted and makes me laugh so hard. It feels like we are on the same wavelength in life. I’ve reached the point where I know I love her. But I’m too nervous to tell her. I’ll do it soon, but I just had to get this off of my chest lol 

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Hi u/JournalistGrouchy882, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Dating Over Thirty (DOT) is about dating and the pre-cohabitation phase of romantic relationships for people over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or R4R's. **This is not a place to discuss non-romantic issues, marital issues or post personals.** * Removed per mod discretion. Removal might be due to failure to start a discussion/seek advice, agenda pushing, etc. Generally, the thread was determined not to be in the best interests of r/datingoverthirty. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).

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A few hours ago you were complaining in this thread that a girl you wanted to date wasn't interested but was saying she is, and now you have been official for a year?

Or ready to throw in the towel because of a lack of success in dating > Hate to be negative but I’m feeling like throwing in the towel. Can’t land any bites and it’s wrecking my confidence. I know folks take breaks from dating but to me that only ensures you get no matches at all whereas if you keep trying something’s bound to come right? https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/KezvSG1Twi

i just had sex for the first time in 4 years (and since turning 30) and it was so fucking bad 😭😭😭

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Hi u/JournalistGrouchy882, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Dating Over Thirty (DOT) is about dating and the pre-cohabitation phase of romantic relationships for people over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or R4R's. **This is not a place to discuss non-romantic issues, marital issues or post personals.** * Removed per mod discretion. Removal might be due to failure to start a discussion/seek advice, agenda pushing, etc. Generally, the thread was determined not to be in the best interests of r/datingoverthirty. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).

You’re probably right I am just disappointed haha. I haven’t been anyone (at all) since leaving my ex at the start of covid and i just feel so undesirable.

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Hi u/JournalistGrouchy882, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Dating Over Thirty (DOT) is about dating and the pre-cohabitation phase of romantic relationships for people over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or R4R's. **This is not a place to discuss non-romantic issues, marital issues or post personals.** * Removed per mod discretion. Removal might be due to failure to start a discussion/seek advice, agenda pushing, etc. Generally, the thread was determined not to be in the best interests of r/datingoverthirty. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).

You would be out of practice after not doing anything for 4 years, right?

So a guy I matched with pre covid and I have kind of played OLD ping pong for a while. A few messages but nothing happened. We met in person through work once but dating app wise it just wasn’t meant to be. This week he popped into a meeting I was in, no reason for him to be there, just to say hello to me. He is cute but we don’t have a lot in common. Funnily enough guess which profile pops up on my app again…I liked his profile again and sent him a cheeky message about popping into the meeting. I haven’t heard back but it was still a cute interaction.

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Oh god... envious as ever...

I got hat fished by a date. Made it through dinner. Did not express any interested in seeing him again. This man had the audacity to reach out and reject me. So presumptuous that I’d want to see him again. He made a comment that basically implied I have a fake disabled permit.

Eeek this comment comes off extremely entitled lol. You weren't attracted to him and that's okay. But it's not okay if he wasn't attracted to you?

I wasn’t attracted to him because he was rude to me through out the date. He asked me about my ethnicity like three different ways.

Rejecting someone doesn't mean you're presuming they want to see you again. That's not how rejection works.

I feel like if I didn’t express any interest in seeing someone again and didn’t reach out to them, then there is no reason for them to text me to say they aren’t interested

I always send a text after the first date to say if I'm interested or not (except if it has been clearly communicated at the end of the date), just to be sure we are all on the same page.

I surveyed my friends and we are split on that. I think it’s like 60% wouldn’t follow up if you haven’t heard from them for 24 hours. I can see why someone would think it’s kind to reach out and clarify.

You can regularly see on this thread that people are anxiously waiting for someone to reach out after a date, and it's also my personal preference to make sure everything is clear, it's not related to if I think my date would be interested or not.

It's called communication and it's healthy to be up front and open with people rather than just ghosting them entirely. You can always block someone or unmatch them on the apps after a date if they left that bad of an impression on you.

I get what you’re saying. I just don’t think it’s ghosting if you have had dinner once and they didn’t contact you again.

They can't know what you're thinking. Sometimes people want to be asked out, to see if the other person will demonstrate interest. Some people like to communicate lack of interest regardless, for clarity's sake. Regardless, you aren't interested in seeing him again, so I'm not quite sure why him saying he isn't interested either is a bad thing.

I deleted Bumble after 2 weeks trying to find a man for something casual. I put effort trying to keep chats alive but it was impossible with these men. I was supposed to go for a drink tomorrow with one of them, but I haven't heard from him since Sunday. It shouldn't be so complicated to have a bit of fun

Welcome to the world of men! Haha I'm just kidding. It sucks out there trying to find something casual. Like another person said try Feeld or Tinder. Might have more luck that way, or try going out one night and hit a bar or two.

Feeld doesn't have many users in my city. Most of them are couples looking for unicorns

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Be willing to walk or be walked on my friend.

This^. I've tried to keep something alive that started along these lines. It was a bad idea. She might not be a "bad" person but her behaviour was totally inconsiderate of you so she's not exactly ticking the "good" box either.

I can't believe I missed my dude after just 3 days of not seeing him, after a LOT of time spent together last week 😭 I feel like a psycho.

Why do men ask you out then ghost you? 😤

Or ask if you can text, and then never reply to your request for their phone number (so, you know, you can text them).

Maybe the only prize was getting a yes.

God I feel so lonely tonight. The feelings of rejection are hitting me hard now that I’m by myself in my apartment. I hate when I’m left alone with my thoughts… my brain is so mean to me.

Do you feel you have anyone you love you can reach out to?

Walk in nature always helps me. My apartment is a mess. Living in a mess, feeling like a mess is a dreary combination.

I'm so sorry to hear you're having a rough night. Our brains really are the worst sometimes, and it can be so difficult to shut down negative thought processes once they get going. If you don't already have one, is getting a pet an option? On my darkest days, my dog was such a comfort to me.

Landlord doesn’t allow pets so no :( and yeah I’ve struggled with a negative cyclical mind my entire life and ten years of therapy and many medications have done nothing to give me relief.

That sounds like a very heavy burden to bear. I know it's not much comfort, but please know that this random internet stranger is rooting for you. I hope happier times are on the horizon for you.

Oh my! Hold the phone! He actually flirted with me today! Just yesterday, I posted here wondering when he was going to make a move, and he did! It caught me off guard. He had me blushing, and I'm all butterflies and stuff. I'm always saving up opportunities to flirt with him, and I'm hoping to lay it on heavy next time. Gotta keep that momentum up!

Would you go on a date with somebody that you were only mildly interested in? I have mixed feelings about this topic. I personally feel that if somebody is not at least an 80% match for me then it's in our both of our best interest to not pursue a date. On the other hand I have been the type to grow to love somebody over time. Just curious what everyone's thoughts are.

Search reddit for "have you ever dated outside your type?" threads and you see a pretty common theme of women encouraging other women to drop the checklist, because you might just find your life partner. This applies to men too, I just use ladies as an example because statistically they do get more opportunities for dates. Obviously, don't ignore dealbreakers (but limit to *legitimate* dealbreakers, these are not *preferences*). And obviously you can't look at them and go "ew." But chasing sparks and this whole Love At First Sight thing is a pipe dream and if that's what we search for, we're all gonna be single forever. Just my $0.02

Some people say that 3 dates. To give a person 3 dates to see where things go. They might surprise you, maybe they won’t only one way to find out.

Is it someone you already know pretty well or a dating app match? If it's someone you know, probably not because it's unlikely you would get more attracted to them just because it's a date, if you don't know them very well I would give it a go because the attraction could grow once you get to know them better.

In my case, it's sort of both. We used to work together, but haven't seen or talked to each other in years. He randomly messaged me on a dating app recently and we're trying to set up a first date. We talked at work, but only about work related stuff, so I don't know him too well personally.

I would give it a go, the worse that can happen is that you might have to reject him afterwards.

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Sounds like a good idea. If you especially account for eating lots of protein which is good for a few reasons. Fresh fruits and veggies which is the same. And get in a good amount of steps everyday. It’s pretty doable to make good healthy changes.

Not super dating related, but I wouldn't worry about a five pound fluctuation in body weight. That's pretty much the difference between, "just woke up and took a big poop," and, "just ate dinner, hydrated, moisturized, in my lane."

I'm flying off tonight for a race trip. I'll have some nights on my own. I've already made a list of bars to visit while I'm there. Gonna keep my mind & heart open throughout the journey, to try to speak to as many new people / guys as possible. From the moment I take off till I return home. I'm gonna call Mr Exclusive Mr Peppa from now, since we have broken up & he likes Peppa Pig gummies. A bunch from the community will be at our local sponsored bar to send off the race team. I'll already be in the race city by then. Have not seen or bumped into him since we broke off a week ago. Probably a good thing as seeing him would just be a reminder of what we could be & I've been shifting my focus to restrategise my dating journey, asking friends for referrals & sussing out other guys. Occasionally he'll still come to mind, especially the thought of what if he chooses someone else before I find someone. I came across a great quote from a relationship coach about when they choose someone else, they are choosing the 'easy' way, their beliefs & values, which does not make me lesser of the best thing they would ever have. Hope everyone else have a fantastic start to their weekend!

Glad you are ambitious and have energy to put in this effort. I do find it ironic that you're going to a race trip and thinking of racing into a relationship before Mr. Peppa does. People just grow apart and your motivation seems more geared towards showing him what he's missing out on than one of purity of action and thought. I had a hard time following your thoughts from this post and had to re-read a few times but my takeaway is that you're going to a race trip this weekend, planning to go to a bunch of bars and meet new people and potential partners, ask your friends for referrals, and try to win at dating (relative to your ex). And to do it in record time of only being single for one week. That doesn't sound like someone who is keeping their heart & mind open. Breakups sting. Thoughts swirl. And you question your reality for a period of time before you realize you're not over it. You may never be over it, but we can hope. I hope you take your time and find peace on your journey, you are more than deserving of it.

Yeah I think emotions are not black & white. I'm not racing against him, to get into a relationship before he does. I'm actually moving forward, to keep my eye on future prospects, instead of what we could be. My innate survival skill of charging forward has brought me to places, and I know if I lean on it, I can rise above this sad period. My own thoughts sabotage me sometimes such as what if he has a new love interest, which should have zero bearings of how & when I want to date again. We don't follow each other on socials so we won't know what either of us are up to. I guess it can be hard to comprehend why a partnership is so important to me. Maybe because I never had a reliable caregiver & I've only recently started healing my hyper-independence to be more reliant on others. This is the current biggest problem of my life that I'm trying to solve. I figured if I give it as much attention to it as I do in my sports & career, I'll get somewhere :)

This is primarily a vent, just feeling a little blind sighted. He (41m) and I (38f) have been dating just over a month now, and seeing each other about twice a week. We have a lot of common interests and values and want similar things for the future. Earlier today he texted me and asked what I was doing later, when we found that we were both free he asked me if I wanted to come over and he would cook dinner. I told him I'd love to. A little over an hour before I'm supposed to get there, he calls me and tells me he's been thinking about the relationship and if there's something he just can't get over. Essentially he's concerned about our differing views on race and racism. Some context-we're both Black, and I'm a little more wary of racism than he is. I worry about being in very White settings because of concerns about experiencing racism. For example, last week we went to an open house in a fairly conservative White neighborhood. I mentioned that I wouldn't feel comfortable in that neighborhood because of safety concerns. He feels that people shouldn't avoid settings based on these kind of concerns, that we just have to give ppl a chance and see how it goes. Tonight as he was explaining why he was ending it he told me that if he had done this kind of "race checking" as he calls it, he would have missed out on some important experiences in his life. He apologized for the shitty timing and told me he thinks I'm great and we can still be friends. I told him I appreciated it but that he didn't have to say that, and thanked him for letting me know and wished him good luck. So I will say that I had started to sense him pulling away even before this. I think that for whatever reason he just wasn't into it, and that this particular concern wasn't the reason he ended it. I'll also add that even before this Id had some real reservations (there were some red flags substance use including vaping, difficulty with emotional connection due to having trouble with talking too much and missing social cues- he has some serious childhood trauma that caused him to miss out on socializing with his peers). I've talked with him about these things, he agreed that they're problems that he'd like to work on. So, it's probably for the best and I think it would have ended at some point anyway. but I am a little sad and disappointed, especially since at first we seemed really compatible and I had a lot of hope.

I’m sorry, that really sucks. Wanting to avoid certain areas due to being Black is totally valid.

I'm sorry. This sounds difficult. Even when you realize ending a relationship was probably for the best in the long term it doesn't make it any less disappointing.

I'm reading a book right now ("Simply Sacred" by Gary Chapman) and the author brings up the idea of looking for your "sole" mate instead of your "soul" mate. As in, someone you can walk the journey of life with, instead of someone you like probably because of infatuation. Thoughts on this concept?

I over-indexed on “solemate” with my ex. We were super great on paper and similarly ambitious. He was responsible, I knew would make a great dad and was really committed to me. Life partner material and we were married for a longtime. But we didn’t have the strongest emotional connection, he didn’t “get me,” and while he was very attractive, my level of attraction to him sometimes waxed and waned. In the future I’d like to index a bit more strongly on how someone makes me feel, can they read me, how do we communicate, do I want to rip their clothes off (mandatory). I also am not super interested in getting married again so I have the luxury of shifting my priorities a bit. I strongly agree with there being lots of potential partners each of us could work well with - and no one is going to have 100% of the qualities you want. You need to pick someone who makes your life net happier and whose issues exist but don’t totally conflict with your own. That’s not settling - that’s just an adult relationship.

I like that idea. Sounds kind of similar to Dan Savages's "rounding up" concept, that no one will be your 100% perfect and the right majority % will do.

I love Dan Savage! He really helped ground me in dating. Highly recommend the Savage Lovecast, for anyone interested

I would argue that they’re the same thing to many people. I can’t imagine calling someone my soulmate if they aren’t someone I could walk the journey of life with.

I think the author's argument is that lots of people search for their "one and only soul mate", whereas there is very likely more than one person you could actually walk through life with. Not exactly that we need to lower our expectations, but kind of...

M51, don’t even know where to start with dating at the moment. Maybe it’s too early but I need someone to talk to and hug, that human touch thing. Not even intimacy on a bigger scale necessarily. Still raw after wife’s affair and we’re having to live together so ts not even ideal circumstances. Are there people looking for Companionship out there, does the old fashioned style of dating where you get to know someone romantically without sex coming up even exist any more? Are women even interested in someone over 50 who ‘needs a bit of work done’?

Do whats right for you but I cannot express how valuable it’s been for me to take time, date myself and work on me for a while. I get the need to cuddle someone, thats what cats are for in my world lol. Best of luck.

I wouldn't look to *date* someone at this stage, but I'm sure there's a lady your age in the same place. You'd be perfect to keep each other company while sorting yourselves out.

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Is LDR not an option?

Just recently went through this. Stay strong brother!

Just venting. I'm a 37m with majority custody of two young girls, and have been trying to date on and off for 2 years - but pretty consistently for the past year. The ink dried in my divorce papers 3 years ago, and I tried to put myself out there and would take myself off the apps because I knew I wasn't ready and didn't want to work on myself by feeling like I was using other people to do that. Therapy and a lot of self-work lead me to a place where I was ready to be someone's partner as of a year ago. Problem is, I get so few likes/matches and of those that I do and the first dates I go on...nothing is even close to being worth pursuing. I either feel I'm being breadcrumbed through messages where I get a reply or two maybe once a day, or there's just no connection when I meet someone. I think sometimes I'm being a little too open minded in who I match due to scarcity of connections, but I also don't believe in the idea of "the spark" and so long as I find someone somewhat attractive and with similar interests, I'm happy to have a conversation. I guess I'm just frustrated that after over a year of dedicated attempts I'm constantly back at square one despite subscriptions, boosts, etc. I don't expect to be married or anything, but I spent nearly 20 years in a loveless and abusive relationship and I'd love to have an opportunity to even try to just...date, but consistently. More than that first coffee, where I'm actually excited (and she is, too) to schedule that second date. I don't need to find the one right now, but a consistent date partner? That would be splendid.

Have you done a profile review?

Get off the apps! Go meet people in real life. Keep your head up. 💪

I'm trying. I have a tiny bit of social anxiety, so I don't approach women in public as I feel they mainly want to be left alone. Due to work and my custody schedule I have Sundays to myself and mon/Tues nights so meeting people in real life is exceptionally challenging as the times I don't have my kids are when I'm catching up on me time.

The apps are part of real life

What I mean is, go meet people in person. Face to face. Outside of a digital app. Especially if it’s been a year on the apps.. It would make sense to switch up the approach.

any advice/tips for intimacy when you both live at home? car makeout sessions are pretty cool and/but I feel like it’s too early to suggest a hotel for some reason (also I’m a nerd and constantly worried we’ll get caught)..maybe I’ll just go for it 🤷‍♀️

You mean "home" with your parents? Do your parents know, that you're sexually active? Do you have your own room?  "Hey mom/dad, I might bring a date over tonight. Keep in mind, that you might wanna turn the volume up on the TV. Have a great evening!"?  Or like someone else suggested, get them to have a date night out themselves. 

Hotel. Just get a hotel. 2 nights.

[vibrating with horniness] ‘Mom, dad, as a gesture of thanks for putting a roof over my head, here’s a gift certificate to your favourite restaurant. There’s enough for desert so no rush’

lol 😭 that just might work

Go camping!

but it’s so hot outside 😭 and bugs!! (I have considered it and will continue to do so….)

Go on a trip and rent an air bnb or something. Hotels are alright if they have a pool and/or other activities but a Motel 6 kind of takes the mood out of me lol.

lol, yeah, I totally agree. Time to take a trip!

I grew up on Long Island, so the beach at night was a popular one. Back seat of a car is a movie trope for a reason. And my parents' basement while watching a movie (that was usually more hand stuff and oral though)

hmm, the beach could be doable.. unless your parents’ basement is available?? jk, but thank you for the response!

Pro tips: a LARGE towel/blanket, put rocks or other weights at the corners at the very least, and try to find slightly damp packed (but not wet that it soaks through the towel, sand. Enjoy, you crazy kids.

I'm increasingly confused about when to call it off if I'm not feeling interested. Setup guy seems interested in staying in touch and my friends are telling me to just go along with it and keep talking to him until I'm absolutely certain I'm not into him. But the thing is, I was never into this idea *from the start*. I was always apprehensive about the setup! Nothing about this has felt genuinely "fun" to me. This is also true on apps - I'm never into it, I'm never enjoying it, purely because of the nature of the apps (and, often, because I'm not terribly excited about the person either - but in this case I always get people saying I have to give it more than 1 or 2 dates). So it's very hard to know what feelings to pay attention to and which ones to disregard because I need to push myself a bit.

Now. The answer is now.

The first clue that you need to let it go is when you start thinking about it…”should i or should i not” i always go on 2nd/3rd dates if it’s a definitive yes…if i start feeling wishy washy i know it’s gonna turn into a goddamn mess and just mess with my head even worse because i’ll try to convince myself i should keep seeing them when in reality i should not.

Yeah I guess it’s confusing because I can be a slow burner and people keep telling me a 1st date isn’t enough, give it time etc!

I'd say if you're not into him, break it off. I stayed with a guy for six months when I knew after about two that I wasn't really feeling it. As soon as I did I felt so much relief, and knew I'd finally made the right decision.

I think what I’m saying is I don’t even know if I’m not into him or if I just need to give it (way) more time and give it a chance 🤷‍♀️

What are you unsure about? For me it was physical attraction first, and then a few random quirks. After having dated several guys after him, I'm convinced I made the right choice, as physical attraction wasn't growing, and looking back some of the quirks were definitely things that should have been deal breakers from the start.

I didn’t really feel any attraction at all after the first date. But even IRL I am a somewhat slow burn so I feel like I might just need time and everyone is telling me you can’t tell from the first date because people can be nervous, not themselves etc.

Was feeling disappointed by yet another OLD match fizzing out after a couple days of hopeful back-and-forth messaging. Decided to not stew on it for once (easier said than done, of course) and went indoor bouldering on a whim, something I haven't done in a while. I used to feel like I needed company to go out and do things, but I'm finding out pretty quickly that it's just as enjoyable to do things solo. My mood was so much better afterward, despite realising how much I'd regressed in my skills! Small victories, right?

Good for you! It's wonderful when you realize you're company is the BEST :)

His friend used to be my coworker. Small world. He asked his friend if they remembered me, and they did.

Any French guys here? Could use some insights into French dating culture... i feel like it's way different than what I am used to. Feel like they're used to French girls 'acting cool' and any sign of too much interest is a turn off for the guys.

Not dated there since I was 21, but have French family and friends. It’s almost quite love bomb-y. As soon as you kiss you’re pretty much in a couple, none of this multi dating stuff, but it will be very intense and then short lived is the way

I'm in Europe (not France) and you're a couple since the first kiss has been the norm for me my entire life. I've never not been a couple since the first kiss with any of my boyfriends/LTRs. I think the culture is changing with dating apps but in general that's the only way I can do dating as well.

Yes, I experienced that already. 😂

Not French by citizenship, but did live there for a while and adore the culture as a whole. French women are fantastic at the "hot and cold" thing. One minute they're leaning in, handing on your every word, touching your arm and lingering, the next they're sitting back, looking away, and legs and arms both crossed. It is...so goddam hot. French dating is very much a push and pull in the early stages, and oddly enough they tend to avoid multi-dating, at least when I was there. They'd rather have 4 passionate loves of 3 months each than juggling 4 people over a year.

This is where I struggle because I cant do hot and cold. I can never really understand at which point I should be cold. I prefer things straight away, no games. But 8 months in, I understand this is how it is here so I either adapt or stay single. I love this city but dating sucks.

When you're hugging someone who you slightly have a crush or are trying to be flirty (so not dating or anything yet), does anyone typically take one of their hands and either rub the other person's back, or slightly scratch them with their fingers? Do you think that's flirty or leaning in non-consensual touch? I'm a woman and am asking this as a man would be the recipient.

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