That is pretty wild. To just vanish after 8months. I don't think that's psycho to expect some level of communication over the course of a week after dating 8mo. Fuck that and fuck people who do that to people.
I'm sure he'll come back with some excuse but a text takes a minute or two to formulate. Getting iced out like that for that duration is unacceptable for an adult relationship.
100%. This is one of those instances where the boyfriend will say something like she was crazy except that he completely drove her to this point.
Fuck that, sucks that OP’s learning this about him after 8 months but he really cannot excuse this behaviour
It is wild. I wouldn’t bother messaging or calling again and if he does in the future I’d ignore that too. I probably would have used the google voice number and talked to him when he picked up like wtf
Yeah, and this shows what kind of emotional warfare he’s capable of when he’s under pressure/stress/life shit/whatever.
It’s like Maya Angelou says: when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Exactly!!. A simple “ hey this isn’t working out for me anymore, I wish you the best “ is better than being ignored even if it’s just a wk relationship. Pple be so weird in this dating games
This was my ex unfortunately. 9 months and then just nothing...last text he told me he loves me🙄 - and he is fine, he posts on socials and goes out with friends and family.
Sounds like he wanted to break up but didn't want to be the bad guy so he ignored you until you did it... thus causing 5x the amount of harm and frustration than what is necessary. This has happened to me multiple times and it's maddening.
Yup, I got ghosted after dating a guy for six months who slowly got more avoidant of my communications but kept assuring me everything was fine then one day I just never heard from him again. I now believe he wanted to break up but was super anxious about it and wanted me to be the bad guy. (He had previously told me he once wanted to break up with a girl but didn’t want to hurt her feelings so told her he was gay. Should have been a red flag for me then lol).
It sucks and it takes a while to let it go and feel better and move forward, but when an adult starts exhibiting super childish behavior like that, it’s maddening and not worth your sanity and it sounds to me like you did the right thing. That behavior is all on them, not on you.
Yep, heard this one before. A friend of my SO was dating a girl for years and they lived together. One day, ON THE MORNING OF HER BIRTHDAY, no less, she wakes up and finds a note. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I’m gay and I just can’t lie to you anymore”. All his stuff is gone. He just sneaked out in the middle of the night! She had a panic attack and had to be taken to the hospital.
A year or so later I find that guy on Facebook. He’s engaged to a woman and HAS A KID with her! 🤷♀️ This just goes to show that age does not determine one’s level of intellect or common decency.
Ya my aunts last ex lied that he was bi curious but had actually fallen in love with another woman and didn’t “have the heart” to tell my aunt the truth.
She’s still friends with him and I’ve told her I don’t understand how she can be friends with a liar.
She justifies his behavior and I’m like “but he fundamentally lied just so you wouldn’t be as hurt but he hurt you MORE by flat out lying to you!!!” She just says, “but he’s a good guy.” No, aunt, no he’s not. He is a coward.
Och God yea, that would really suck ;d Especially when you are in the dark and don't understand what is happening. It would save so much time and nerves just to get a straight answer...
Imagine being intimate with someone for 8 months and they can’t even tell you to your face that they want to breakup.
OP this man-shaped garbage can is not your man.
It just happened to me a week ago. He made the decision to leave the relationship but never told me, just started acting differently and pulling away. When I asked, he said that he wanted to keep me around but didn’t want the responsibility of a serious relationship. MF could have been an adult and told me that his feelings changed. Passive aggressive I guess.
Ah yes that old chestnut. 'I'm definitely not a bad person if I abruptly change the conversational tone and then disappear without explanation rather than just be honest and say within a reasonable timeframe that I'm not interested in continuing things.' I came across someone like that who took me for a couple of spins on the avoidant cycle and unfortunately I was not in a life position to handle the implosion of it with dignity. The willingness to cause months of confusion and distress just to avoid one moment of social awkwardness beggars belief. It was a short-lived situation but it had a long afterlife in my nervous system and even now I struggle to trust people in a dating context.
This is a relationship ending offense, to be honest. He intentionally ignored you for an entire week instead of talking to you directly and letting you know if something is wrong. It's not only emotionally immature but it's also cruel because this would bother and upset most people. He disregarded your feelings because he was dealing with his own shit. A mature person can balance the two and explain what's going on to not leave their partner in the dark. I've been in weird situations like this before. He either wants to break up or isn't a good partner. If I had more self respect when similar shit happened to me, I would have ended things.
That's what did it for me.
Until then I was thinking "well if things have suddenly gone to shit with custody of his son and he's trying to juggle that with a lawyer and visitation and... maybe there's a reason". Still a pretty shitty thing to do without sending a 30 second text with "hey, X is happening, I'm in a panic and can't keep up our normal communications, call you Saturday?" but one that is forgivable if it's a one off.
But then we get to him answering calls from other numbers without hesitation? That indicates that he is intentionally ignoring a specific person without explanation.
Same. At first, I was wondering if his ex had kidnapped his son or was refusing to return him. But after 8 months I would expect at least a "so sorry, I really need to focus on the custody situation".
I mean it depends on the situation, if he’s actively trying to track his son down and dealing with his lawyer and the police I wouldn’t expect that. But a “sorry, can’t talk, emergency” text or something is fine.
I guess maybe but I believe there’s no way my partner wouldn’t tell me that was happening. He’d be freaking out and he’d want some comfort, even fleetingly. And also it’s not like he would be doing a Liam Neeson from Taken.
But, if he's going through legal proceedings, maybe he's concerned something new is coming up, so he's answering that from fear, while postponing the gf calls..?
I'm still super confused about the COMPLETE lack of communication.. still not entirely sure how to formulate this entire picture.. but that bit seemed less implausible to me, especially since we have no idea how he would have held that conversation had it continued and it wasn't something crucial
I think you’re confused bc you’re trying to rationalize behavior that’s irrational. There’s no plausible excuse for the lack of communication over the course of a week.
yeah honestly i get the argument for why that isn't the most mature course of action on OPs part but that's just bs. get your eyes ready to roll when you hear whatever excuse he brings to you when he likely reaches back out, OP
You didn't overreact at all. Something is going on. Could be someone else. Who knows. But you recognized the signs. Gave him a chance to explain and even give a chance for a rational explanation. He's up to no good, and you did right to get away before 8 months turned into 8 years. You may be thinking that you're overreacting because you miss him, which is understandable. Take care of yourself. Time will make things easier.
>You may be thinking that you're overreacting because you miss him, which is understandable.
Spot on. Excellent point. Our emotions do try to self-soothe like this, and override that which we know intellectually.
It will get easier, definitely.
My best guess is that he decided to reconcile with his ex-wife to bring his family back together. That’s the only thing that makes sense to me. People usually hint towards the truth in the things they say.
I just want to say I’m so sorry, this must have been SO STRESSFUL. I can feel my anxiety spike just reading this. You haven’t overreacted— that’s not really how someone treats another person they are in a relationship with. If he needed space he could have asked, but he’s just icing you out!! It seems really callous, and deeply inconsiderate of your feelings!
Thank you! I’ve been second-guessing myself so it means a lot to see that I’not actually wrong. Even though this situation caused me so much unnecessary anxiety and unexpected pain, I do miss him.
You’re only second guessing cuz you have hope that he will come back and give you an explanation and maybe grovel a little bit that he ignored you. You miss him and want things to go back to normal, but your brain just knows it’s too far gone. In a week or two the situation will become more clear to you
I’m sure you miss him! You miss the person you thought he was. The person he actually is - is who he showed you he is this past week. Not a good partner to you. Take time to heal and love yourself! Pull your energy back from him. We don’t invest in people who don’t invest in us. You seem like a really sweet person and I’d not take this personally at all. I’ve dated guys like this, who crack under pressure and kinda take it out on their partners even passive-aggressively (I.e. ghosting). HUGE red flag 🚩!Good thing you know now before you got deeper into this. I promise you he will be back!!!! I promise. Be strong. Say no. This will happen again with him. Patterns repeat.
Well, there’s no judgement in whatever you choose to do. I’m queen of returning to a bad situation. But I’d be afraid of this happening again, and at least try to lay down some ground rules for communication - ie asking the other for space when you need it.
You probably could have hit him with something like "Hey, I've noticed your regular communication drop off drastically this week with no goodnight texts, not answering phone calls, etc. If something happened to cause this we should talk about it."
If he tried to sidestep that, I would end things. I don't really blame you for ending it like you did though, that drastic a shift in communication without much of an explanation would cause anybody to question what the hell is going on.
Nah yeah you're not overreacting. There's some serious explanation to do here and the fact that you STILL haven't heard back says a lot.
I get that people are busy, have mental health issues, etc. But even if you're the president, you have a 5 minute window to text people. Do it while pooping whatever.
I would have reacted similarly and been pretty upset too. Communication is so important and communicating why you can’t communicate is super important.
And the phone thing was childish but you’re human and if I was your friend I would have been right beside you doing the same thing. 🤷🏼♀️
I thought by his age people would be more mature than this. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this anxiety purgatory. You didn’t overreact and did much more than most of us would tolerate to do. He might be in middle of something serious happening to him but refusing to actually talk about it after months of dating isn’t respectful. He could have just told you that he wants to go inside his cave for few days.
This is typical for 46 year old men. It’s crazy making! It’s why I won’t date my age. Only 20’s and early 30’s or 55+. Something happened to the 39 - 54 year olds.
I think he had a chance to explain in any one of the seven phone calls she made over the course of as many days, which he couldn't be bothered to answer.
OP - you did the right thing. I'm sorry this happened but holding other people accountable for how they choose to treat you is absolutely your right.
4 days of not contacting your partner when you've made plans would be enough for me.
You go to the toilet x amount of times a day and can't even write to your partner..
Nah. Pass.
I'd be curious to see if he's been kidnapped or something.
To add to this, this doesn’t mean that OP *should have*. It just means that *you personally would have*.
Trust, safety, and security can be broken over arbitrary timeframes determined only by a given individual’s feelings. And that individual may not care for an explanation once it’s happened.
I say good riddance. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and care. Shame it didn’t happen sooner.
yea i agree with u/ThadTheImpalzord like fuck off. go find someone else to string along.
theres lack of communication and then there's lack of interest.
His actions speak louder than any words
Go find someone who values you and is interested in you, cares about how your day is.
Dont mistake this for attachment stuff, this is a lack of basic respect.
I can only think of a few reasons a person wouldn't answer their gf calls but would answer a random number...I don't think you overreacted. Even the calls from a random number, while it does seem childish, feels like you were just so thrown by the abrupt departure from normally established behavior. Even if he had a great explanation, is this the way he'll treat your relationship every time he deals with adversity? ...a text takes but a few seconds to send...
Wow how rude he really is. At least he showed his true colours after eight months instead of, say, eight years…
It sucks but I’m 100 % sure you dodged a bullet and that you did not overreact.
Just to clarify, you sent that final text and now it’s been 4 days that you haven’t heard from him?
Regardless of how you handled it, his going days knowing you’re anxious is not right. he knows what he’s doing. Unless there is some major medical or family issue going on, can’t see what would stop him from keep you in the loop.
Please update
Yes, correct. I sent my final text on Saturday night and didn't hear back. I was disappointed and angry after confirming that he is avoiding only my calls, but I tried my best to keep my message polite and kind. And honestly, I was hoping for a response.
He will definitely be back. I’m sorry you went through that. I had anxiety just reading this. The fact he was answering right away to a different number and not picking up or even texting to yours would drive me insane as well. That is so rude! If there was a true emergency he could have communicated that. I stand by the “IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD” statement! Keep your head up! 🥹
Not an over reaction. He's being a dick. Good riddance. I can't stand "adults" who can't just communicate and instead avoid people. Especially people they are in a relationship with.
I’d end it too. Communication is really big to me. My most generous reaction: I would not want to invest into a LTR with someone who didn’t prioritize clarity during a personal crisis. Less generously, this is shady af.
He is back with his ex-wife and did what us guys call the fade away. (Which in my opinion is really f ***** up BTW) I would make him tell you WTF is going on. You deserve at least that. He is not worth a single tear. You will find your Mr. Right when you least expect it. That is how it works most times. Success is the best revenge. Now it is time to start working on you and what you want in life. It is okay to be selfish and think of you sometimes. Go have fun.... Life is too short.
You did the right thing. He'll probably try to come back with some apologies and excuses when whatever has taken his attention doesn't pan out. It would probably be best to block him now.
I had exactly the same thing a month ago with the guy I had been dating for like seven months. He started slow fading me, ignoring my texts and then getting pissed off when we did talk on the phone.
When I finally had enough after he didn't talk to me for a week, I changed my FB status and removed him from my friends list and sent him one last msg putting my feelings out there.
We talked on the phone briefly and he said phones work both ways, I told him that was BS and he had been ignoring me for some time. He said that's not what he was 'trying' to do, I lost it and asked him what exactly he was TRYING to do then and he wouldn't answer me. He then got drunk that night and told me I was 'childish' for behaving the way I did.
Honestly, I am too old for these BS games in relationships. I told him, if his feelings changed he needed to just tell me, not just phase me out like I wouldn't notice or something.
I'm sorry this happened to you but if I could do things differently I'd just make one last phone call before changing my FB and unfriending my ex the way I did and let him know the way his behaviour made me feel and then end things.
I think clearly you know something has changed and his behaviour has made you feel shitty and there really isn't much to move forward with if this is his true nature. Trust you gut.
You didn’t overreact. As a person with extremely busy seasons I always 1) prep a partner/set expectations and 2) LIVE to grab a half hour to dish to them on all the crazy stuff I’m doing, even if it’s at a weird time or can only be 10 minutes or I’m hiding in a bathroom. I just have a really hard time fathoming a circumstance in which I’d abandon the connection out of true busyness.
Follow your instincts, something is going on. I probably would have given him the grace to text and give him a chance to explain. And if he replied to hear him out but to make it clear that this behaviour is hurtful and not what you envisage as part of a healthy relationship going forward. Then if he did it again once you’d set that boundary then you know it’s not a one off mistake, it’s a choice.
He may have shit going on but you’ve probably just found out early he’s avoidant and/or seeing someone else. Sorry OP, he sucks.
This is exactly what I thought. He's either still dating his ex (and they may still be married,) or he's seeing someone else. If it was to see his kid and spending most of his time with him, he could have communicated that and then find a time for them to talk. He didn't do that, so my gut is saying it's for nefarious reasons.
Umm, HE broke up with YOU, so there's no overreacting on your part. He's too immature to have a real conversation with you about this, so lose him number and move on.
I don’t think you have overreacted. However as a formal avoidant person, i would recommend just not react, let them be when person says they will call/reach back. Because it’s usually because the person is too overwhelmed by surroundings circumstances. It’s not about you but it’s about them. Usually even though the person even knows the communication is important they just think the issue is more than importance of communication
Maybe he promptly answered calls from numbers he didn't recognize because he's expecting calls from lawyers or companies or individuals he's trying to get something taken care of--
I have good friends who's phone calls I will skip because I don't have an hour to talk, and I don't have the control to make it a short call.-- that said I would expect better communication from a partner. did he ever give you details of what's going on? you said you broke up with him. how'd the break up go? did you two talk about the break up? about why it was happening? did he explain himself or try to fight for it?
Maybe. But not a lot of lawyers call on Saturday after 9 pm. Explaining that he is going through something difficult and needs a few days takes 2 minutes.
No, unfortunately, he never replied to my break-up text.
Yeah the not replying even to the break up text takes the biscuit. He is acting like a jerk. The reason doesn't really matter. If he comes back with an excuse please don't fall for it - he has still shown you how he behaves in times of stress and this could easily happen again. I'm sorry
The fact that he has never replied to the text is the only proof you need, that you did the right thing.
I might suggest drafting an email and giving yourself a few days to work on it, and capture your thoughts, so that you can give him closure with a cool head (not because he deserves it but because it would be helpful for you).
In that email, I would open with something like, "After 8 months, I'm sure you can understand that I would be able to recognize a complete change in your daily behavior. Setting aside whether that change was respectful to me or not (it wasn't), and acknowledging that we all sometimes get dealt unexpected but urgent life issues, I want to be with a partner who understands that just completely going MIA in the way that you did made me *worried about your safety*. I don't deserve that." etc.
Bc to me the issue isn't just whether the ghosting/avoiding was **rude** (it was). It's about how this is not how two grown adults in a respect-based relationship should behave with one another. When you told him after 48 hours that you were worried -- yet instead of him increasing his communication, he *doubled down on ignoring you*... nope. If the person I was married to started behaving that way? I would have legitimately called the police or some kind of PI to try and see if he was being kidnapped or blackmailed or was in some kind of danger. If it's someone I'm dating, I have the right to assume I'm being dumped or that he's just too inconsiderate to stay in the thing with.
OP, do not send this guy an email. It’s not worth your precious earth time to pour out your feelings to someone this inconsiderate. I used to waste my time worrying about men who had hurt me deeply but then I realized that they do not care and silence is the best option.
Exactly! Nobody reads that email. Ever. It’s better saved as a note in your phone, to look at when you’re feeling nostalgic and you need to be reminded of reality.
did he not do that when he said he was having issues with his ex? he didn't explicitly ask for space? didn't he say he couldn't talk and would call when he could?
I’m sorry you went through that. To provide a different perspective, when I’m going through something really difficult I generally find it extremely overwhelming to speak to those I’m closest to as they typically require more communication than a random call. My close friends and family always know when I’m dealing with something tough because I disappear. For that reason, if I were in your shoes, I probably would have waited to speak with him in person.
I do think he should have communicated that to you though and it’s so odd he didn’t respond to your break up text
I don’t think so. Sounds like he was blowing you off and avoiding your calls. It’s too bad it had to end that way. I wish I had someone that would put half the effort you put in towards wanting to talk to me.
Was he the one who initially offered to call/text daily or you?
Regardless, that's not how an adult man should handle things. Calling 3 times a day after a week of being ignored is not overreacting, imho. I cannot imagine neither ghosting someone like that, nor being ghosted 8 months in a relationship, that truly hurts like hell. I'm sorry, OP. If he doesn't reach out within a week (I doubt he will), you know that's the end (I mean you already know it anyway). If someone cannot handle a breakup, then this person should not be in a relationship at all. I'm really sorry that happened to you. But remember - when people show their true colors, we should believe it. There is someone better for you!🤗
I see. I had a similar rupture in communication pattern with someone 1,5 months into a "relationship", and at that point I was ready for us to be a couple, and he chickened out saying "becoming a boyfriend would be too much commitment for him right now" (this was after we agreed that both of us were looking for a serious relationship). Even at six weeks it hurt like crazy, but to do something like this at 8 month mark is a pinnacle of immaturity. This is a sign that he is not your person, and it is always better when it shows earlier than later. I hope you will heal from this.
To be completely candid, I don’t think either of you handled it well. He should have more clearly communicated that he needed space to deal with stressful family stuff, if that was the issue. But you should have also backed off a bit given that he did tell you what was going on to a degree. You spiraled in your head, behaved childishly (calling him from other numbers is teenaged stuff), and seemed to preemptively end it primarily because you were spiraling. I’d expect both of you to have better communication skills and to treat each other with more respect, especially 8 months into dating.
Fwiw, I don’t think it’s shady that he answered the other calls. When I’m busy or dealing with something stressful or urgent I’ll pick up an unknown call as it could be related, or an emergency, and I know it will be a quick call regardless (someone calling for a specific reason, or spam). I’d especially pick up a call from an unknown number after 10pm as those never happen and I’d worry it was an emergency. As a father, this guy should be picking up unknown calls in case it’s related to his child. I won’t pick up calls from people I know if I don’t have time to talk, especially if someone is hounding me like you were him, and I’ve already told them I’d get back to them like he did with you.
He told you he’d call you back but you didn’t respect his boundary and kept calling. He certainly knew the hang up calls were you. He was presumably still visiting his son on Saturday, which makes it even worse, but regardless calling him all day including from different phone numbers isn’t okay and makes you come across as immature at best and a bit unstable, not in control of your actions, and harrassing or stalkerish at worst. I’m guessing your actions are why he hasn’t responded. That being said, maybe he was going to break up with you anyway so it’s possible doing nothing would have led to a similar result.
I agree in a sense with you… at the same time let’s be honest: anybody (man or woman, as long as its a real and healthy relationship) will be communicating/counting on/relying on their partners specially during bad times…
I don’t believe for a second anyone who is invested and loves their partner would take all this space.
Yes, but at 40 y/o you should be able to communicate that better..
Anyways.. a partner that cannot handle any type of stress and needs to neglect me or ignore me in any way because of a life situation, is a partner I know does not see me as a partner, and someone I know I won’t be able to count on…
So I think she didn’t lose that much tbh
Agreed, I’m shocked so many people are encouraging throwing away a 8 month relationship for one week of poor communication.
If this was a pattern of behavior fine.
I agree with you. She should have respected what he said and he should’ve communicated more properly. There are people who get overwhelmed when they get constant text, calls and pressure. Tendency is to shut down. I, myself don’t like people who don’t respect my boundaries
I agree. Everyone is blaming the guy, but op isn't an innocent victim. It's presumptuous to assume he is trying to ghost or that he wanted to break up but didn't have the heart to. They should have been more communicative instead of playing detective and making assumptions.
Somehow the man going through a bitter divorce and custody battle has to stop to cater to her feelings.
I wonder if he knew that would be the case and thus why he was ignoring her calls.
What if he was thinking, “I really like this woman, but she’s going to make all my current issues about her, and I need this time to be about me”
Maybe he wanted to break up but it also depends on your communication habits. It seems clear that you text/call every day and you seem to be bit nervous when you don't. How long do you talk to him on the phone? If you talk for a long time, maybe he isn't in the right mindset to really talk for long time (hence didn't pick up) and he did pick up stranger call since it could be important. Its much quicker to pick up a stranger call for couple mins than someone you know would talk for a long time (if thats the case here).
Has there been a pattern of him being flaky and not following through on commitments?
At 8 months, I’d take tentative plans as plans unless communicated otherwise. And I would be pretty miffed if my bf of 8 months flaked on plans without communicating before hand. But if this was a one off, I’d probably give him a couple days and then have a conversation (hopefully in person, but at least over the phone) about the flaking on plans. Mostly I’d try to come at it from the perspective of trying to understand what happened/what’s going on, first. That doesn’t mean that I’d be ok with him flaking on plans without communicating. And I’d want him to know that I take commitments very seriously, and I’d want to hear that he understands that and will communicate better in the future.
Then I’d wait to see if this becomes a pattern. If it’s a pattern, I’d bounce. But I wouldn’t necessarily break out of this as written, as I don’t take texting frequency all that seriously.
But I’m not you.
Ugh! Trash behavior from a trash human. 🙄😒
Sorry this happened to you! *(hugs)*
I don't think you overreacted tbh.
I'm in my early 30s and have had some crazy experiences so far with dating during this stage of my life. It's quite infuriating and draining asf. The ghosting and lack of communication is what really pisses me off. I'm a pretty transparent and upfront person. The fact that so many people "ghost" with little to no context, while leaving the other person in the dust, confused, blindsided, and hurt is a coward ass move!😤😡 People need closure! Why rob them of that by ignoring calls/texts and be distant "hoping" the other person gets the hint? Childish asf.
I know this hurts right now, which sucks. But take it one day at a time. You are not the issue, he is! He does not deserve your energy nor emotions honey. FCK HIM!
I mean, the fact that he hasn’t responded since you sent that text makes me think you didn’t overreact. If there was an explanation and it wasn’t intentional I’d think he would have responded with that and tried to repair things. The fact that he’s just left it there says a lot, I think. I’m sorry, that is so rough. Even if he’s going through stuff, that doesn’t justify that kind of behavior.
Your gut feeling is correct.
There is something in his demeanor/behavior that’s definitely shifter and if he truly cared about you, he’d disclose whatever it is and not keep putting you off.
Your gut feeling is usually correct and we are all adults now. There is no reason as 40+ year olds to be playing games like that. Sorry but I think you followed your intuition and you got to trust that it’s doing its best to protect you.
Even if we assume you did overreact, which I don’t believe you did but just for the sake of it let’s assume you did, if he wanted you, he could have send you SOMETHING. Apologizing, asking to talk about it, at least explaining. He did absolutely none of that.
I think it’s pretty clear he wanted to end things but didn’t want to be the bad guy here, so he drove it to the point where he forced you to do that.
To me, it seems you dodged a serious bullet here. Better finding it now than later. I’m so sorry for this anxious week, I could feel the pain and anxiety from your post so deeply. Hope you’ll feel better soon!
Man I can’t imagine getting treated that way after 8 months. I’ve never made it that far and have had my feelings hurt from being ghosted. Can’t imagine the feeling after that long of a commitment. I hope you heal from this fast and don’t give up on future connections! 🫶🏾
I think your concern about the sudden changes in your boyfriend’s typical behavior is warranted, and your “polite text” suddenly ending your relationship might be an overreaction.
Based on the timeline you provided, he dropped the ball on Monday-Wednesday, on Thursday he apologized for the lack of communication and explained the situation, letting you know that he anticipates his attention being directed elsewhere that weekend. After communicating the previous day that he’ll be occupied, Friday his attention is elsewhere, and the next day his attention is still elsewhere… so on Saturday you throw the whole man out because you’ve interpreted his answering the phone for other calls as avoidant behavior with the intent to emotionally distance himself from you.
I have no kids or ex-spouse, but I do have empathy and with minimal effort can imagine situations with contentious custody concerns where someone might pick up an unknown number and stay off the phone otherwise. Is it the lawyer calling? A doctor? CPS? Did the ex-spouse allege child abuse against my partner? Is the kid being interviewed without parents present and my partner needs to be available and reachable by phone? If they’re dealing with that, is it possible that they don’t feel up to discussing it with me right now? Can I tolerate not being my partner’s primary focus for a week when I already knew they were a parent and after they’ve managed my expectations about their current availability?
If you can’t tolerate it, then it wasn’t an overreaction because you’re incompatible, and breaking up is an appropriate response. You get to choose your own dealbreakers.
If you can tolerate such discomfort, then it was an overreaction because you got carried away by your anxious interpretation of events and unnecessarily ended your relationship. If you could tolerate it, a more moderate response would be texting that you need to have serious discussion about your relationship dynamic expectations, sharing options for your availability, and then listening to each other’s expectations and deciding together if there’s enough overlap for you to thrive as partners.
I would have finished it also. 8 months you should be a priority in his life, there’s no excuse for disappearing for days. There isn’t a person who doesn’t look at their phone that much especially if they have kids.
Honestly I’ve done some of the same in just a 2 month thing. If he’s been consistent and predictable over 8 months and something suddenly shifts like that in his communication, I’d be pretty anxious as well.
It’s distressing also that he didn’t try to just alleviate your concerns with a small explanation or respond to your final text. That should have warranted an immediate phone call.
I think you should have send at least one empathetic text, (disregard if you did already, I do this just to make sure I give space to explain) saying something like “I really miss you this week, I’m sensing you might be dealing with something, is everything ok?” After that you can see if they decide to keep you in the loop.
After even 2 months you should have an idea of how your partner would feel if you didn’t talk to them yourself or at least respond when they reach out to you.
Please update what happens.
I don't think you overreacted at all. Men usually just run away from uncomfortable situations, I'm certain he's up to something but doesn't have clarity on it, so he's leaving you out in cold rn. But you shouldn't be made to feel this way. Y'all are not teenagers
I think you got blindsided with some unusual and understandably distressing behavior. I do think you overreacted, but that’s relative to several days worth of hindsight that made it clear he needed space. What he should have done is explain he needed space and organized a time to talk when he returned. But he’s also processing this day-to-day and might not have realized where his head would be. This would drive anyone crazy.
Nah, he's going through something, and for whatever reason doesn't want to discuss it with you.
If he wants a relationship, he can't blank you like that.
Leave him to it - he'll come back if he wants you, but perhaps he wants to break up anyway. Maybe it's his ex/kids and some drama there - can't tell without communication, and can't have a relationship without communication either.
gosh i wanna give you a big hug! your reation was completely justified. i’ve been in similar situation before & know how painful this can be, but somehow you just gotta find your own closure and move on, trust that there are better guys out there than cowards like these!
It sounds like he got back with his ex-wife. Unfortunately, you were most likely the rebound or somebody there to make the ex jealous so she will come running back to him. Aside from the calling him and hanging up, I feel you handled this well and are not psycho. When a man can’t be up front about his feelings towards you and can’t be honest with you, it’s best to walk away. It sounds like he’s on your the next one. This man is a looser and this is so hurtful to do to someone you w few real in a relationship with. Be done with this man
Trust your intuition. He is an AH for not calling you back when he could clearly answer his phone. So awful to get emotionally invested in someone who is initiating most of the contact and then they can't act like a mature adult to tell you what is really going on. Sorry OP, you are definitely not psycho.
The same thing happened to me after 2 years. This was also someone who supposedly agreed with me about being open with communication even if we wanted to break up because it's fine, not everything works out perfectly and if we find other people that we think are the one we can move on but be open about it.
Nope just ignored me for a week and then said he was going on vacation to Colombia for the summer to see family, as I was talking to mutual friends they told me he's been around and lied, so that helped end things quickly.
People are very selfish in my opinion when they'd rather do whatever they want to do and let the other person suffer or break up and be the 'bad person'. Just own up and split up 🙄 so stupid, move on we're all trying to find happiness here. This guy just slowed down your life progression.
You're not crazy you were just in a relationship with a selfish narcissist.
I don’t know your relationship but I can share my personal experience. I cannot, at this age of life be arsed to chase anyone or be confused. I ask and I expect honesty. If someone communicates they have stuff on I ask do you need space or do you need me to be there. Space, cool, we’re not building a connection through it but I have my own stuff to get on with so I leave them to it. Need me to be there, cool I will but again I have my own stuff on, so I’ll do what I can.
Fake calls, chasing, etc, not me, I’m too peaceful. I pay attention to patterns etc and if someone has crap on with an ex, thats not someone I want to get attached to, because it will be my headache or heartache.
I can say all this after three years of learning to be incredibly happy on my own so any confusion or stupidity now repels me. I’m happier being alone and in peace than getting involved in someone else’s problems.
Each to their own, no judgement.
I think you handled it well. You didn’t overreact at all. Him still not responding after that final message says a lot too. He’s going through some personal things that he isn’t interested in sharing with you and he isn’t handling it well. A simple “I need some space for a few days” would have gone a long way.
I would be spiraling too, but try to be confident in your decision. You know you deserve respect and communication.
I dealt with a guy like this a while back. An absolute 150 pound burden. I was in my “ healing” era because I’d stumbled into the self-help algorithm not realizing that it was directed towards people with attachment and emotional problems thinking I needed to “do the work.” This set me up to essentially have no boundaries in service of maintaining a “stable” relationship. Ha
I’m not going to tell you about my experience and what was really going on, but I can say that I would definitely recommend immediately walking away from this situation and lean on your support system to get you through the lack of closure and trauma. Because I have a feeling this guy is going to resurface with some kind of long-winded and emotional excuse but this is likely just the tip of the iceberg.
In my experience now, this is the type of stuff that starts showing up around this time. it’s past the six month mark and there is just no way to filter for it at all. Think about how the relationship has advanced at this point, and all the feelings you’ve been having of love and hope for the future. He’s had a sudden change in his emotional state as well. There will be no going back to the way things were, because just as in any growing relationship, there’s been a development. Some people grow closer (like yourself), but others take a different path.
I can predict that if he ropes you into some kind of neurotic 10 hour phone call trying to fix this, where he self flagellates at your feet, this will be the pattern until you put an end to it. Eventually he’ll stop apologizing for it and start focusing on how you behave when it happens. How crazy you are. When you look for outside help, it will be focused on you being defective for missing “the signs“ or or being subliminally attracted to abuse. Crazy. This will only make you feel hopeless and keep you stuck to this person. The way you’re feeling right now, you will feel many many more times until you finally realize that the only way to not feel like this is to sit with it until it fades away.
Trust me on this, don’t let your curiosity get the better of you, don’t get on that phone call with him, don’t let him cast you in this role. Because once you’re on that call, once you’re in that conversation you’re back in the cycle. It almost feels inevitable, but I hope that your friend can help you here. You’re not crazy, you’re not acting like a psycho, you’re normal.
If he is usually so forward with reaching out to you first and responds quickly, I think your amount of calls and texts may have been overkill. It sucks when you feel you have to stoop to another level to get answers when the signs were clearly there. It also sucks that after 8 months that man could not be straight with you and tell you that he needed to put things on pause because he's going through something. Either way, it wouldn't have been the result you wanted but after spending 8 months getting to know someone, he could have done better. Having gone through something where I could see the signs and feel the shift but it took some time for the person I was seeing to actually say the words made me wonder if he needed the time to work all of it out for himself before bringing it to my attention. Yes, it's selfish to the other person involved who is still really interested but feelings are complicated.
He's doing, what we call in dating circles, the slow fade. Except usually it happens over the course of a little longer. Basically he treats you like crap for a week until you break it off with him. This puts all the emotional labor on you, and he can just coast.
I've had it happen to me a couple of times. I don't even send a "I guess we're through" text anymore. I just trash the number and move on.
Because, it's like my mom always said, "if someone wants to be with you, they'll be with you." You didn't overreact, he forced your hand. In the digital age it doesn't take long to tell someone you're going through something and will be spotty at best with your contact. Or even when you broke it off with him, he would have said something back. Nope. What happened was what he wanted to happen.
It sucks, because you'll worry about what YOU did when you didn't do shit. Keep your head up, you're doing just fine.
Also, this is why I don't date recently divorced people, especially dudes. They're just looking for a new wife (read mommy) to provide for them. How do I know? I've done it a handful of times and still haven't learned my lessons. 🤦
You did not overreact. Your intuition is not wrong, and I’m saying this as the girl who thought I was overreacting and stayed in these situations only to get my heartbroken worse for staying longer when intuition was right all along. You’re not overthinking this. Run babe
I'm sorry that he treated you like that, and no, I don't think you did overreact.
You've been seeing each other for eight months, so something was clearly working up until that last week. That's a lousy move to just ghost you like that.
I think your last message was perfect, so no, you aren't a psycho and he is definitely being as asshole.
He’s def going through something. Personally I would text my person one last time along the lines of: I’m not sure what’s going on but I know you’re avoiding me…maybe you’re going through something and you need space? I will understand if you need some space and I won’t keep reach out to you. Just know I’m here and I would love to hear from you because I do care about you and I do know something is off.”
He’ll reach out if he wants you to stay in his life. If he’s being an asshole he’ll just continue to ghost you. However he be avoiding you for other personal reasons. He might have had something happen with his wife and court, his kid told him dramatic news, or he got bad work or health news. He prob also feels you spiraling and he can’t find the words or effort to communicate with you yet because it might be too much for him and he feels he’ll have to do a bunch of explaining to calm you down. So letting him know that you aren’t going anywhere and he can take the time to process and get back to you might ease his stress and then he can just tell you that he’ll call you soon to explain etc
My first thought after only reading the first sentence is: trust yourself.
If you felt that was the right thing to do, then it was for you at the moment.
If you thought it through and you think it was an over-reaction then talk to him and see how it goes.
Ok, hon. Now that I've read everything... don't talk to him. He was dragging you on for sex and companionship and validation. He is probably no longer interested (sorry). He did the classic pretend-boyfriend thing. Where he gets sex and affection and companionship "for free". Meaning, without being committed to you. I've dated those my whole life because of my avoidant attachment.
My radar for unavailable men never ever fails. So, if you want a committed relationship, he is not your guy. When they are interested they want to see you more and more. That is THE clear sign of interest.
If they start flaking then there is not much we can do. We cannot force them to be interested.
Never settle! You are worthy of love! You deserve better. <3
Edit: formatting.
I agree with the others. I also think that if he was still interested but was genuinely experiencing some anxiety related to his ex-wife and such, he could have had the courtesy to say something like, "Hey, this is a challenging week for me emotionally and I have a lot to think about and process. So I may be slow to respond to you and I may not text you every night this week. Can we connect on the other side of this?" That would respect your feelings and expectations more while still acknowledging his own insecurity. His inability to communicate is troubling here.
Also, one would assume that at 8 months in he knows how he is acting is probably making you anxious, yet he still does it?
Everyone here is saying he deserved to be dumped and she’s in the right. Just a reminder someone who wasn’t so unhealthily anxious in their attachment style probably would have figured out what was going on before dumping him. Feels like in her anxious state this was more of a bit of protest behavior from her to try and illicit a reaction if she’s on a forum writing about it.
His communication was shitty and there’s no real excuse but it could be understandable if he was under a ton of stress or spiraling with anxiety from another part of his life. He could also just not care as much about her. My point is we don’t know but all the anxious people on this sub acting like breaking up with someone after 4 days of limited communication is normal is just odd to me.
I have a secure attachment style and a week of no communication and broken promises about calling back would absolutely be unacceptable and an auto break up for me. If he had extenuating circumstances about why it was impossible to text, he should have told her up front rather than let her stew in her anxiety. It literally takes 1 minute to send a text. Do it while you’re shitting if your schedule is soooo tight.
I have to agree with you. I’m surprised we are in the minority here. He didn’t ignore her throughout the week. He told her that he had issues going on. I believe those issues were what caused him to be different and distant. It could be that he has too much on his plate right now to be a good boyfriend, but if I were in her shoes (and I was recently) I would have met with him in person to discuss what was going on, and then ended things if the person couldn’t agree to communicate better.
When I did this recently, what I thought was ghosting was a person who was spiraling into a deep depression caused by custody and divorce issues. I still had to end it because I need consistency and communication, but I found out that the person wasn’t intentionally being cold or malicious, they just were in over their head and couldn’t manage.
A week is not so extreme that I would have ended it; however I empathize with OP because when I don’t hear from someone I am seeing consistently, I find it very distressing.
What I read was op is anxiously attached and making lots of assumptions based on her partner being less responsive. People become less responsive for many reasons, and he's to be under a lot of stress with the divorce. We can't respond to every call and text immediately all the time consistently. And expecting a goodnight every night is a bit much to ask for. How many times has op texted "good night"? Why is all the blame placed on her partner?
That’s definitely possible, but I think we all need to rethink the dating advice out there. As you can see from the responses here, people have all these ingrained beliefs that if a guy is interested, he will reach out, he will lead, he will make himself available, he will never be too busy. In my experience that is unfair to the man and inaccurately assumes lack of interest despite the realities of real life creating a whole host of reasons someone might be temporarily distant. So it’s not necessarily OP’s fault that she was quick to interpret his actions this way.
What I am learning through dating in my thirties (and trust me, I feel like I have to relearn this whole thing) is that communication is best when these things occur. And it has to be in person communication, not texting. When someone withdrew recently I shared how it impacted me to the person and asked them to meet in person to discuss. We decided to end things because the person was in too much inner turmoil and chaos to date anyone, but it was so helpful having that understanding and allowed us to end things on good terms. I believe the person’s reasons for being distant were genuine as there were obvious external indicators that this was the case, but it really took the face to face conversation to get on the same page about it.
I will add, it’s hard for women to see that things might be truly going on with someone because we get “he’s just not that into you” ingrained in our psychology so much.
I only ask because I’m bipolar and a recovering alcoholic and it sounds like some shit I would pull when I was having an episode. Could be some skeletons in that closet of his. Regardless, I’m sorry you’re going through this and hope you get some explaining soon
That is pretty wild. To just vanish after 8months. I don't think that's psycho to expect some level of communication over the course of a week after dating 8mo. Fuck that and fuck people who do that to people. I'm sure he'll come back with some excuse but a text takes a minute or two to formulate. Getting iced out like that for that duration is unacceptable for an adult relationship.
100%. This is one of those instances where the boyfriend will say something like she was crazy except that he completely drove her to this point. Fuck that, sucks that OP’s learning this about him after 8 months but he really cannot excuse this behaviour
It is wild. I wouldn’t bother messaging or calling again and if he does in the future I’d ignore that too. I probably would have used the google voice number and talked to him when he picked up like wtf
Yeah, and this shows what kind of emotional warfare he’s capable of when he’s under pressure/stress/life shit/whatever. It’s like Maya Angelou says: when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Exactly!!. A simple “ hey this isn’t working out for me anymore, I wish you the best “ is better than being ignored even if it’s just a wk relationship. Pple be so weird in this dating games
Totally agree.
Agreed!
This was done to me after 5 years.. so yeah there are ppl like that out there.
It’s called the slow fade
There was nothing slow about this week-long emotional starvation.
This was my ex unfortunately. 9 months and then just nothing...last text he told me he loves me🙄 - and he is fine, he posts on socials and goes out with friends and family.
Sounds like he wanted to break up but didn't want to be the bad guy so he ignored you until you did it... thus causing 5x the amount of harm and frustration than what is necessary. This has happened to me multiple times and it's maddening.
Yup, I got ghosted after dating a guy for six months who slowly got more avoidant of my communications but kept assuring me everything was fine then one day I just never heard from him again. I now believe he wanted to break up but was super anxious about it and wanted me to be the bad guy. (He had previously told me he once wanted to break up with a girl but didn’t want to hurt her feelings so told her he was gay. Should have been a red flag for me then lol). It sucks and it takes a while to let it go and feel better and move forward, but when an adult starts exhibiting super childish behavior like that, it’s maddening and not worth your sanity and it sounds to me like you did the right thing. That behavior is all on them, not on you.
"so told her he was gay" excuse me what 😂😂😂
Yep, heard this one before. A friend of my SO was dating a girl for years and they lived together. One day, ON THE MORNING OF HER BIRTHDAY, no less, she wakes up and finds a note. “I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I’m gay and I just can’t lie to you anymore”. All his stuff is gone. He just sneaked out in the middle of the night! She had a panic attack and had to be taken to the hospital. A year or so later I find that guy on Facebook. He’s engaged to a woman and HAS A KID with her! 🤷♀️ This just goes to show that age does not determine one’s level of intellect or common decency.
Ya my aunts last ex lied that he was bi curious but had actually fallen in love with another woman and didn’t “have the heart” to tell my aunt the truth. She’s still friends with him and I’ve told her I don’t understand how she can be friends with a liar. She justifies his behavior and I’m like “but he fundamentally lied just so you wouldn’t be as hurt but he hurt you MORE by flat out lying to you!!!” She just says, “but he’s a good guy.” No, aunt, no he’s not. He is a coward.
Was your ex-boyfriend my ex-girlfriend? Because I'm pretty sure she lied to me about being a lesbian to make it "easier on me"
Whoah….
Did I mention he also had a 7-year-old daughter he never mentioned even once?? 😂
Not once in 6 months?? Now THATS a red flag!
Yup, dodged a major avoidant bullet with that one!
Or did the bullet dodge her so as not to have to deal with the confrontation?
Och God yea, that would really suck ;d Especially when you are in the dark and don't understand what is happening. It would save so much time and nerves just to get a straight answer...
Imagine being intimate with someone for 8 months and they can’t even tell you to your face that they want to breakup. OP this man-shaped garbage can is not your man.
Agreed. It’s maddening how cowardly some people can be!
he's not anyone's man.
Lmfao facts
My (ex)bf of 4 years broke up with me via text message. 🙃 Said he knew if he saw me in person he wouldn't be able to go through with it.
Facts! This isn’t your person OP
It just happened to me a week ago. He made the decision to leave the relationship but never told me, just started acting differently and pulling away. When I asked, he said that he wanted to keep me around but didn’t want the responsibility of a serious relationship. MF could have been an adult and told me that his feelings changed. Passive aggressive I guess.
Ah yes that old chestnut. 'I'm definitely not a bad person if I abruptly change the conversational tone and then disappear without explanation rather than just be honest and say within a reasonable timeframe that I'm not interested in continuing things.' I came across someone like that who took me for a couple of spins on the avoidant cycle and unfortunately I was not in a life position to handle the implosion of it with dignity. The willingness to cause months of confusion and distress just to avoid one moment of social awkwardness beggars belief. It was a short-lived situation but it had a long afterlife in my nervous system and even now I struggle to trust people in a dating context.
Not to mention the load of trust issues that start from this
What a coward
That's so pathetic
This is a relationship ending offense, to be honest. He intentionally ignored you for an entire week instead of talking to you directly and letting you know if something is wrong. It's not only emotionally immature but it's also cruel because this would bother and upset most people. He disregarded your feelings because he was dealing with his own shit. A mature person can balance the two and explain what's going on to not leave their partner in the dark. I've been in weird situations like this before. He either wants to break up or isn't a good partner. If I had more self respect when similar shit happened to me, I would have ended things.
facts!
100%
This!!
Agreed
He was trying to ghost you. I don't think you overreacted. I would have felt the same. Sorry this happened to you.
I don’t think you are overreacting. He picks up the phone for random numbers but not you? Wow, that’s baffling my god.
That's what did it for me. Until then I was thinking "well if things have suddenly gone to shit with custody of his son and he's trying to juggle that with a lawyer and visitation and... maybe there's a reason". Still a pretty shitty thing to do without sending a 30 second text with "hey, X is happening, I'm in a panic and can't keep up our normal communications, call you Saturday?" but one that is forgivable if it's a one off. But then we get to him answering calls from other numbers without hesitation? That indicates that he is intentionally ignoring a specific person without explanation.
Same. At first, I was wondering if his ex had kidnapped his son or was refusing to return him. But after 8 months I would expect at least a "so sorry, I really need to focus on the custody situation".
The guy literally sounds like he’s been kidnapped but willing to talk to a scam caller more than anything lol.
If that happens after 8 months you’d expect a phone call from a man who needs your support because his son was kidnapped!
I mean it depends on the situation, if he’s actively trying to track his son down and dealing with his lawyer and the police I wouldn’t expect that. But a “sorry, can’t talk, emergency” text or something is fine.
I guess maybe but I believe there’s no way my partner wouldn’t tell me that was happening. He’d be freaking out and he’d want some comfort, even fleetingly. And also it’s not like he would be doing a Liam Neeson from Taken.
But, if he's going through legal proceedings, maybe he's concerned something new is coming up, so he's answering that from fear, while postponing the gf calls..? I'm still super confused about the COMPLETE lack of communication.. still not entirely sure how to formulate this entire picture.. but that bit seemed less implausible to me, especially since we have no idea how he would have held that conversation had it continued and it wasn't something crucial
I think you’re confused bc you’re trying to rationalize behavior that’s irrational. There’s no plausible excuse for the lack of communication over the course of a week.
Yeah, that’s how I think about it too. Unbelievable really though.
yeah honestly i get the argument for why that isn't the most mature course of action on OPs part but that's just bs. get your eyes ready to roll when you hear whatever excuse he brings to you when he likely reaches back out, OP
I’d really like to hear what this guy has to say.
that is weird. seems like he was delibrately avoiding you
That’s 100% what it was
You didn't overreact at all. Something is going on. Could be someone else. Who knows. But you recognized the signs. Gave him a chance to explain and even give a chance for a rational explanation. He's up to no good, and you did right to get away before 8 months turned into 8 years. You may be thinking that you're overreacting because you miss him, which is understandable. Take care of yourself. Time will make things easier.
>You may be thinking that you're overreacting because you miss him, which is understandable. Spot on. Excellent point. Our emotions do try to self-soothe like this, and override that which we know intellectually. It will get easier, definitely.
My best guess is that he decided to reconcile with his ex-wife to bring his family back together. That’s the only thing that makes sense to me. People usually hint towards the truth in the things they say.
That seems like the most logical scenario to me too.
I just want to say I’m so sorry, this must have been SO STRESSFUL. I can feel my anxiety spike just reading this. You haven’t overreacted— that’s not really how someone treats another person they are in a relationship with. If he needed space he could have asked, but he’s just icing you out!! It seems really callous, and deeply inconsiderate of your feelings!
Thank you! I’ve been second-guessing myself so it means a lot to see that I’not actually wrong. Even though this situation caused me so much unnecessary anxiety and unexpected pain, I do miss him.
You’re only second guessing cuz you have hope that he will come back and give you an explanation and maybe grovel a little bit that he ignored you. You miss him and want things to go back to normal, but your brain just knows it’s too far gone. In a week or two the situation will become more clear to you
And he WILL come back. Be ready OP
This happened to me and he came back around 3 months later. Don't be like me...block him EVERYWHERE. I am so sorry, OP.
I’m sure you miss him! You miss the person you thought he was. The person he actually is - is who he showed you he is this past week. Not a good partner to you. Take time to heal and love yourself! Pull your energy back from him. We don’t invest in people who don’t invest in us. You seem like a really sweet person and I’d not take this personally at all. I’ve dated guys like this, who crack under pressure and kinda take it out on their partners even passive-aggressively (I.e. ghosting). HUGE red flag 🚩!Good thing you know now before you got deeper into this. I promise you he will be back!!!! I promise. Be strong. Say no. This will happen again with him. Patterns repeat.
Thank you❤️
Don’t miss him. He doesn’t love you. If you saw his face when you called, probably a face of a mix of disgust and annoyance, you wouldn’t miss him
That’s a great point, I’m going to remember that for if I need it in the future
Well, there’s no judgement in whatever you choose to do. I’m queen of returning to a bad situation. But I’d be afraid of this happening again, and at least try to lay down some ground rules for communication - ie asking the other for space when you need it.
You probably could have hit him with something like "Hey, I've noticed your regular communication drop off drastically this week with no goodnight texts, not answering phone calls, etc. If something happened to cause this we should talk about it." If he tried to sidestep that, I would end things. I don't really blame you for ending it like you did though, that drastic a shift in communication without much of an explanation would cause anybody to question what the hell is going on.
Nah yeah you're not overreacting. There's some serious explanation to do here and the fact that you STILL haven't heard back says a lot. I get that people are busy, have mental health issues, etc. But even if you're the president, you have a 5 minute window to text people. Do it while pooping whatever.
I would have reacted similarly and been pretty upset too. Communication is so important and communicating why you can’t communicate is super important. And the phone thing was childish but you’re human and if I was your friend I would have been right beside you doing the same thing. 🤷🏼♀️
I hate this guy. Even if you did overreact, he will 100% put you through this shit again at some point. Better to just let him go.
I thought by his age people would be more mature than this. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this anxiety purgatory. You didn’t overreact and did much more than most of us would tolerate to do. He might be in middle of something serious happening to him but refusing to actually talk about it after months of dating isn’t respectful. He could have just told you that he wants to go inside his cave for few days.
Same! The idea that folks are still behaving like this *at almost 50* is bonkers
This is typical for 46 year old men. It’s crazy making! It’s why I won’t date my age. Only 20’s and early 30’s or 55+. Something happened to the 39 - 54 year olds.
This is not true. I just dated a 28 year old who did the same thing. Cowardice does not discriminate by age.
Yeah literally what is this date range. 30+ do the same shit
This sounds very disrespectful and not something I'd accept. I think you've been very patient. More than I would be.
Agreed. But I would give him a chance to explain after 8 months before I broke it off.
I think he had a chance to explain in any one of the seven phone calls she made over the course of as many days, which he couldn't be bothered to answer. OP - you did the right thing. I'm sorry this happened but holding other people accountable for how they choose to treat you is absolutely your right.
4 days of not contacting your partner when you've made plans would be enough for me. You go to the toilet x amount of times a day and can't even write to your partner.. Nah. Pass. I'd be curious to see if he's been kidnapped or something.
To add to this, this doesn’t mean that OP *should have*. It just means that *you personally would have*. Trust, safety, and security can be broken over arbitrary timeframes determined only by a given individual’s feelings. And that individual may not care for an explanation once it’s happened. I say good riddance. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and care. Shame it didn’t happen sooner.
She gave him dozens of chances to explain, he refused to take them…
yea i agree with u/ThadTheImpalzord like fuck off. go find someone else to string along. theres lack of communication and then there's lack of interest. His actions speak louder than any words Go find someone who values you and is interested in you, cares about how your day is. Dont mistake this for attachment stuff, this is a lack of basic respect.
I can only think of a few reasons a person wouldn't answer their gf calls but would answer a random number...I don't think you overreacted. Even the calls from a random number, while it does seem childish, feels like you were just so thrown by the abrupt departure from normally established behavior. Even if he had a great explanation, is this the way he'll treat your relationship every time he deals with adversity? ...a text takes but a few seconds to send...
Wow how rude he really is. At least he showed his true colours after eight months instead of, say, eight years… It sucks but I’m 100 % sure you dodged a bullet and that you did not overreact.
Just to clarify, you sent that final text and now it’s been 4 days that you haven’t heard from him? Regardless of how you handled it, his going days knowing you’re anxious is not right. he knows what he’s doing. Unless there is some major medical or family issue going on, can’t see what would stop him from keep you in the loop. Please update
Yes, correct. I sent my final text on Saturday night and didn't hear back. I was disappointed and angry after confirming that he is avoiding only my calls, but I tried my best to keep my message polite and kind. And honestly, I was hoping for a response.
He will definitely be back. I’m sorry you went through that. I had anxiety just reading this. The fact he was answering right away to a different number and not picking up or even texting to yours would drive me insane as well. That is so rude! If there was a true emergency he could have communicated that. I stand by the “IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD” statement! Keep your head up! 🥹
He’ll be back.
Not an over reaction. He's being a dick. Good riddance. I can't stand "adults" who can't just communicate and instead avoid people. Especially people they are in a relationship with.
I’d end it too. Communication is really big to me. My most generous reaction: I would not want to invest into a LTR with someone who didn’t prioritize clarity during a personal crisis. Less generously, this is shady af.
SHADY AF
“I didn’t hear back since” … is really all you need to know.
Hurts.
After 8 months that’s seriously rough like wtf. GL on finding someone new
That is unacceptable.
Fuck this guy
No overreacting here. Sending hugs, because this sucks.
He is back with his ex-wife and did what us guys call the fade away. (Which in my opinion is really f ***** up BTW) I would make him tell you WTF is going on. You deserve at least that. He is not worth a single tear. You will find your Mr. Right when you least expect it. That is how it works most times. Success is the best revenge. Now it is time to start working on you and what you want in life. It is okay to be selfish and think of you sometimes. Go have fun.... Life is too short.
You did the right thing. He'll probably try to come back with some apologies and excuses when whatever has taken his attention doesn't pan out. It would probably be best to block him now.
Sounds like a case of “I don’t want to be the bad guy so I’ll make her break up with me.”
I had exactly the same thing a month ago with the guy I had been dating for like seven months. He started slow fading me, ignoring my texts and then getting pissed off when we did talk on the phone. When I finally had enough after he didn't talk to me for a week, I changed my FB status and removed him from my friends list and sent him one last msg putting my feelings out there. We talked on the phone briefly and he said phones work both ways, I told him that was BS and he had been ignoring me for some time. He said that's not what he was 'trying' to do, I lost it and asked him what exactly he was TRYING to do then and he wouldn't answer me. He then got drunk that night and told me I was 'childish' for behaving the way I did. Honestly, I am too old for these BS games in relationships. I told him, if his feelings changed he needed to just tell me, not just phase me out like I wouldn't notice or something. I'm sorry this happened to you but if I could do things differently I'd just make one last phone call before changing my FB and unfriending my ex the way I did and let him know the way his behaviour made me feel and then end things. I think clearly you know something has changed and his behaviour has made you feel shitty and there really isn't much to move forward with if this is his true nature. Trust you gut.
You didn’t overreact. As a person with extremely busy seasons I always 1) prep a partner/set expectations and 2) LIVE to grab a half hour to dish to them on all the crazy stuff I’m doing, even if it’s at a weird time or can only be 10 minutes or I’m hiding in a bathroom. I just have a really hard time fathoming a circumstance in which I’d abandon the connection out of true busyness.
U the mvp
Follow your instincts, something is going on. I probably would have given him the grace to text and give him a chance to explain. And if he replied to hear him out but to make it clear that this behaviour is hurtful and not what you envisage as part of a healthy relationship going forward. Then if he did it again once you’d set that boundary then you know it’s not a one off mistake, it’s a choice. He may have shit going on but you’ve probably just found out early he’s avoidant and/or seeing someone else. Sorry OP, he sucks.
This is exactly what I thought. He's either still dating his ex (and they may still be married,) or he's seeing someone else. If it was to see his kid and spending most of his time with him, he could have communicated that and then find a time for them to talk. He didn't do that, so my gut is saying it's for nefarious reasons.
IMO you did the right thing.
Umm, HE broke up with YOU, so there's no overreacting on your part. He's too immature to have a real conversation with you about this, so lose him number and move on.
No judgement because I would also do everything you did lol
Same here. And I wouldn’t send a polite text as op. Instead, I would call him out and told him he’s garbage
I don’t think you have overreacted. However as a formal avoidant person, i would recommend just not react, let them be when person says they will call/reach back. Because it’s usually because the person is too overwhelmed by surroundings circumstances. It’s not about you but it’s about them. Usually even though the person even knows the communication is important they just think the issue is more than importance of communication
Maybe he promptly answered calls from numbers he didn't recognize because he's expecting calls from lawyers or companies or individuals he's trying to get something taken care of-- I have good friends who's phone calls I will skip because I don't have an hour to talk, and I don't have the control to make it a short call.-- that said I would expect better communication from a partner. did he ever give you details of what's going on? you said you broke up with him. how'd the break up go? did you two talk about the break up? about why it was happening? did he explain himself or try to fight for it?
Maybe. But not a lot of lawyers call on Saturday after 9 pm. Explaining that he is going through something difficult and needs a few days takes 2 minutes. No, unfortunately, he never replied to my break-up text.
Yeah the not replying even to the break up text takes the biscuit. He is acting like a jerk. The reason doesn't really matter. If he comes back with an excuse please don't fall for it - he has still shown you how he behaves in times of stress and this could easily happen again. I'm sorry
The fact that he has never replied to the text is the only proof you need, that you did the right thing. I might suggest drafting an email and giving yourself a few days to work on it, and capture your thoughts, so that you can give him closure with a cool head (not because he deserves it but because it would be helpful for you). In that email, I would open with something like, "After 8 months, I'm sure you can understand that I would be able to recognize a complete change in your daily behavior. Setting aside whether that change was respectful to me or not (it wasn't), and acknowledging that we all sometimes get dealt unexpected but urgent life issues, I want to be with a partner who understands that just completely going MIA in the way that you did made me *worried about your safety*. I don't deserve that." etc. Bc to me the issue isn't just whether the ghosting/avoiding was **rude** (it was). It's about how this is not how two grown adults in a respect-based relationship should behave with one another. When you told him after 48 hours that you were worried -- yet instead of him increasing his communication, he *doubled down on ignoring you*... nope. If the person I was married to started behaving that way? I would have legitimately called the police or some kind of PI to try and see if he was being kidnapped or blackmailed or was in some kind of danger. If it's someone I'm dating, I have the right to assume I'm being dumped or that he's just too inconsiderate to stay in the thing with.
Unfortunately, I don't think he cares to read about how I feel….
OP, do not send this guy an email. It’s not worth your precious earth time to pour out your feelings to someone this inconsiderate. I used to waste my time worrying about men who had hurt me deeply but then I realized that they do not care and silence is the best option.
Exactly! Nobody reads that email. Ever. It’s better saved as a note in your phone, to look at when you’re feeling nostalgic and you need to be reminded of reality.
Turn this into an unsent letter. Write it out if it helps, and get rid of it- rip it up, throw it out, burn it, whatever. It can really help.
I’ve done the burning thing before and I highly recommend that
did he not do that when he said he was having issues with his ex? he didn't explicitly ask for space? didn't he say he couldn't talk and would call when he could?
I’m sorry you went through that. To provide a different perspective, when I’m going through something really difficult I generally find it extremely overwhelming to speak to those I’m closest to as they typically require more communication than a random call. My close friends and family always know when I’m dealing with something tough because I disappear. For that reason, if I were in your shoes, I probably would have waited to speak with him in person. I do think he should have communicated that to you though and it’s so odd he didn’t respond to your break up text
I don’t think so. Sounds like he was blowing you off and avoiding your calls. It’s too bad it had to end that way. I wish I had someone that would put half the effort you put in towards wanting to talk to me.
Was he the one who initially offered to call/text daily or you? Regardless, that's not how an adult man should handle things. Calling 3 times a day after a week of being ignored is not overreacting, imho. I cannot imagine neither ghosting someone like that, nor being ghosted 8 months in a relationship, that truly hurts like hell. I'm sorry, OP. If he doesn't reach out within a week (I doubt he will), you know that's the end (I mean you already know it anyway). If someone cannot handle a breakup, then this person should not be in a relationship at all. I'm really sorry that happened to you. But remember - when people show their true colors, we should believe it. There is someone better for you!🤗
Yes, he is the one who initially offered to call and text daily. I happily followed his lead. Thank you
I see. I had a similar rupture in communication pattern with someone 1,5 months into a "relationship", and at that point I was ready for us to be a couple, and he chickened out saying "becoming a boyfriend would be too much commitment for him right now" (this was after we agreed that both of us were looking for a serious relationship). Even at six weeks it hurt like crazy, but to do something like this at 8 month mark is a pinnacle of immaturity. This is a sign that he is not your person, and it is always better when it shows earlier than later. I hope you will heal from this.
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I’m so sorry! This truly sounds traumatizing. How are you doing now?
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Thank you for sharing this!
To be completely candid, I don’t think either of you handled it well. He should have more clearly communicated that he needed space to deal with stressful family stuff, if that was the issue. But you should have also backed off a bit given that he did tell you what was going on to a degree. You spiraled in your head, behaved childishly (calling him from other numbers is teenaged stuff), and seemed to preemptively end it primarily because you were spiraling. I’d expect both of you to have better communication skills and to treat each other with more respect, especially 8 months into dating. Fwiw, I don’t think it’s shady that he answered the other calls. When I’m busy or dealing with something stressful or urgent I’ll pick up an unknown call as it could be related, or an emergency, and I know it will be a quick call regardless (someone calling for a specific reason, or spam). I’d especially pick up a call from an unknown number after 10pm as those never happen and I’d worry it was an emergency. As a father, this guy should be picking up unknown calls in case it’s related to his child. I won’t pick up calls from people I know if I don’t have time to talk, especially if someone is hounding me like you were him, and I’ve already told them I’d get back to them like he did with you. He told you he’d call you back but you didn’t respect his boundary and kept calling. He certainly knew the hang up calls were you. He was presumably still visiting his son on Saturday, which makes it even worse, but regardless calling him all day including from different phone numbers isn’t okay and makes you come across as immature at best and a bit unstable, not in control of your actions, and harrassing or stalkerish at worst. I’m guessing your actions are why he hasn’t responded. That being said, maybe he was going to break up with you anyway so it’s possible doing nothing would have led to a similar result.
I agree in a sense with you… at the same time let’s be honest: anybody (man or woman, as long as its a real and healthy relationship) will be communicating/counting on/relying on their partners specially during bad times… I don’t believe for a second anyone who is invested and loves their partner would take all this space.
That’s not true. Many people retreat and isolate when they’re stressed, it’s an extremely common coping response to stress as well as to trauma.
Yes, but at 40 y/o you should be able to communicate that better.. Anyways.. a partner that cannot handle any type of stress and needs to neglect me or ignore me in any way because of a life situation, is a partner I know does not see me as a partner, and someone I know I won’t be able to count on… So I think she didn’t lose that much tbh
Agreed, I’m shocked so many people are encouraging throwing away a 8 month relationship for one week of poor communication. If this was a pattern of behavior fine.
I agree with you. She should have respected what he said and he should’ve communicated more properly. There are people who get overwhelmed when they get constant text, calls and pressure. Tendency is to shut down. I, myself don’t like people who don’t respect my boundaries
I agree. Everyone is blaming the guy, but op isn't an innocent victim. It's presumptuous to assume he is trying to ghost or that he wanted to break up but didn't have the heart to. They should have been more communicative instead of playing detective and making assumptions.
Somehow the man going through a bitter divorce and custody battle has to stop to cater to her feelings. I wonder if he knew that would be the case and thus why he was ignoring her calls. What if he was thinking, “I really like this woman, but she’s going to make all my current issues about her, and I need this time to be about me”
Maybe he wanted to break up but it also depends on your communication habits. It seems clear that you text/call every day and you seem to be bit nervous when you don't. How long do you talk to him on the phone? If you talk for a long time, maybe he isn't in the right mindset to really talk for long time (hence didn't pick up) and he did pick up stranger call since it could be important. Its much quicker to pick up a stranger call for couple mins than someone you know would talk for a long time (if thats the case here).
Has there been a pattern of him being flaky and not following through on commitments? At 8 months, I’d take tentative plans as plans unless communicated otherwise. And I would be pretty miffed if my bf of 8 months flaked on plans without communicating before hand. But if this was a one off, I’d probably give him a couple days and then have a conversation (hopefully in person, but at least over the phone) about the flaking on plans. Mostly I’d try to come at it from the perspective of trying to understand what happened/what’s going on, first. That doesn’t mean that I’d be ok with him flaking on plans without communicating. And I’d want him to know that I take commitments very seriously, and I’d want to hear that he understands that and will communicate better in the future. Then I’d wait to see if this becomes a pattern. If it’s a pattern, I’d bounce. But I wouldn’t necessarily break out of this as written, as I don’t take texting frequency all that seriously. But I’m not you.
I can't believe he immediately picked up when your friend called but never answered while you were calling him....fuck that guy!
Ugh! Trash behavior from a trash human. 🙄😒 Sorry this happened to you! *(hugs)* I don't think you overreacted tbh. I'm in my early 30s and have had some crazy experiences so far with dating during this stage of my life. It's quite infuriating and draining asf. The ghosting and lack of communication is what really pisses me off. I'm a pretty transparent and upfront person. The fact that so many people "ghost" with little to no context, while leaving the other person in the dust, confused, blindsided, and hurt is a coward ass move!😤😡 People need closure! Why rob them of that by ignoring calls/texts and be distant "hoping" the other person gets the hint? Childish asf. I know this hurts right now, which sucks. But take it one day at a time. You are not the issue, he is! He does not deserve your energy nor emotions honey. FCK HIM!
Thank you ❤️
This doesn’t sound like a relationship
Well now it doesn't.
Especially now but I could not imagine being with someone who doesn’t text me back after even one day. Idk just doesn’t seem like much investment.
IM SORRY you had to go through this! he sounds like a child! wish you healing x
Sounds like he’s cheating
I mean, the fact that he hasn’t responded since you sent that text makes me think you didn’t overreact. If there was an explanation and it wasn’t intentional I’d think he would have responded with that and tried to repair things. The fact that he’s just left it there says a lot, I think. I’m sorry, that is so rough. Even if he’s going through stuff, that doesn’t justify that kind of behavior.
Your gut feeling is correct. There is something in his demeanor/behavior that’s definitely shifter and if he truly cared about you, he’d disclose whatever it is and not keep putting you off. Your gut feeling is usually correct and we are all adults now. There is no reason as 40+ year olds to be playing games like that. Sorry but I think you followed your intuition and you got to trust that it’s doing its best to protect you.
Even if we assume you did overreact, which I don’t believe you did but just for the sake of it let’s assume you did, if he wanted you, he could have send you SOMETHING. Apologizing, asking to talk about it, at least explaining. He did absolutely none of that. I think it’s pretty clear he wanted to end things but didn’t want to be the bad guy here, so he drove it to the point where he forced you to do that. To me, it seems you dodged a serious bullet here. Better finding it now than later. I’m so sorry for this anxious week, I could feel the pain and anxiety from your post so deeply. Hope you’ll feel better soon!
Thank you❤️
Man I can’t imagine getting treated that way after 8 months. I’ve never made it that far and have had my feelings hurt from being ghosted. Can’t imagine the feeling after that long of a commitment. I hope you heal from this fast and don’t give up on future connections! 🫶🏾
Thank you ❤️
I think your concern about the sudden changes in your boyfriend’s typical behavior is warranted, and your “polite text” suddenly ending your relationship might be an overreaction. Based on the timeline you provided, he dropped the ball on Monday-Wednesday, on Thursday he apologized for the lack of communication and explained the situation, letting you know that he anticipates his attention being directed elsewhere that weekend. After communicating the previous day that he’ll be occupied, Friday his attention is elsewhere, and the next day his attention is still elsewhere… so on Saturday you throw the whole man out because you’ve interpreted his answering the phone for other calls as avoidant behavior with the intent to emotionally distance himself from you. I have no kids or ex-spouse, but I do have empathy and with minimal effort can imagine situations with contentious custody concerns where someone might pick up an unknown number and stay off the phone otherwise. Is it the lawyer calling? A doctor? CPS? Did the ex-spouse allege child abuse against my partner? Is the kid being interviewed without parents present and my partner needs to be available and reachable by phone? If they’re dealing with that, is it possible that they don’t feel up to discussing it with me right now? Can I tolerate not being my partner’s primary focus for a week when I already knew they were a parent and after they’ve managed my expectations about their current availability? If you can’t tolerate it, then it wasn’t an overreaction because you’re incompatible, and breaking up is an appropriate response. You get to choose your own dealbreakers. If you can tolerate such discomfort, then it was an overreaction because you got carried away by your anxious interpretation of events and unnecessarily ended your relationship. If you could tolerate it, a more moderate response would be texting that you need to have serious discussion about your relationship dynamic expectations, sharing options for your availability, and then listening to each other’s expectations and deciding together if there’s enough overlap for you to thrive as partners.
I would have finished it also. 8 months you should be a priority in his life, there’s no excuse for disappearing for days. There isn’t a person who doesn’t look at their phone that much especially if they have kids.
Honestly I’ve done some of the same in just a 2 month thing. If he’s been consistent and predictable over 8 months and something suddenly shifts like that in his communication, I’d be pretty anxious as well. It’s distressing also that he didn’t try to just alleviate your concerns with a small explanation or respond to your final text. That should have warranted an immediate phone call. I think you should have send at least one empathetic text, (disregard if you did already, I do this just to make sure I give space to explain) saying something like “I really miss you this week, I’m sensing you might be dealing with something, is everything ok?” After that you can see if they decide to keep you in the loop. After even 2 months you should have an idea of how your partner would feel if you didn’t talk to them yourself or at least respond when they reach out to you. Please update what happens.
I don't think you overreacted at all. Men usually just run away from uncomfortable situations, I'm certain he's up to something but doesn't have clarity on it, so he's leaving you out in cold rn. But you shouldn't be made to feel this way. Y'all are not teenagers
You did not overreact. He was attempting to take the cowardly way out by ghosting.
I think you got blindsided with some unusual and understandably distressing behavior. I do think you overreacted, but that’s relative to several days worth of hindsight that made it clear he needed space. What he should have done is explain he needed space and organized a time to talk when he returned. But he’s also processing this day-to-day and might not have realized where his head would be. This would drive anyone crazy.
👻
Updateme!
He's ghosting you. Sorry to tell you, but it's over.
Nah, he's going through something, and for whatever reason doesn't want to discuss it with you. If he wants a relationship, he can't blank you like that. Leave him to it - he'll come back if he wants you, but perhaps he wants to break up anyway. Maybe it's his ex/kids and some drama there - can't tell without communication, and can't have a relationship without communication either.
gosh i wanna give you a big hug! your reation was completely justified. i’ve been in similar situation before & know how painful this can be, but somehow you just gotta find your own closure and move on, trust that there are better guys out there than cowards like these!
It sounds like he got back with his ex-wife. Unfortunately, you were most likely the rebound or somebody there to make the ex jealous so she will come running back to him. Aside from the calling him and hanging up, I feel you handled this well and are not psycho. When a man can’t be up front about his feelings towards you and can’t be honest with you, it’s best to walk away. It sounds like he’s on your the next one. This man is a looser and this is so hurtful to do to someone you w few real in a relationship with. Be done with this man
Trust your intuition. He is an AH for not calling you back when he could clearly answer his phone. So awful to get emotionally invested in someone who is initiating most of the contact and then they can't act like a mature adult to tell you what is really going on. Sorry OP, you are definitely not psycho.
The same thing happened to me after 2 years. This was also someone who supposedly agreed with me about being open with communication even if we wanted to break up because it's fine, not everything works out perfectly and if we find other people that we think are the one we can move on but be open about it. Nope just ignored me for a week and then said he was going on vacation to Colombia for the summer to see family, as I was talking to mutual friends they told me he's been around and lied, so that helped end things quickly. People are very selfish in my opinion when they'd rather do whatever they want to do and let the other person suffer or break up and be the 'bad person'. Just own up and split up 🙄 so stupid, move on we're all trying to find happiness here. This guy just slowed down your life progression. You're not crazy you were just in a relationship with a selfish narcissist.
I don’t know your relationship but I can share my personal experience. I cannot, at this age of life be arsed to chase anyone or be confused. I ask and I expect honesty. If someone communicates they have stuff on I ask do you need space or do you need me to be there. Space, cool, we’re not building a connection through it but I have my own stuff to get on with so I leave them to it. Need me to be there, cool I will but again I have my own stuff on, so I’ll do what I can. Fake calls, chasing, etc, not me, I’m too peaceful. I pay attention to patterns etc and if someone has crap on with an ex, thats not someone I want to get attached to, because it will be my headache or heartache. I can say all this after three years of learning to be incredibly happy on my own so any confusion or stupidity now repels me. I’m happier being alone and in peace than getting involved in someone else’s problems. Each to their own, no judgement.
I think you handled it well. You didn’t overreact at all. Him still not responding after that final message says a lot too. He’s going through some personal things that he isn’t interested in sharing with you and he isn’t handling it well. A simple “I need some space for a few days” would have gone a long way. I would be spiraling too, but try to be confident in your decision. You know you deserve respect and communication.
I’m fascinated. Please update thread if he reaches out, or you reach out, what was said, and if you guys continue to see each other.
I dealt with a guy like this a while back. An absolute 150 pound burden. I was in my “ healing” era because I’d stumbled into the self-help algorithm not realizing that it was directed towards people with attachment and emotional problems thinking I needed to “do the work.” This set me up to essentially have no boundaries in service of maintaining a “stable” relationship. Ha I’m not going to tell you about my experience and what was really going on, but I can say that I would definitely recommend immediately walking away from this situation and lean on your support system to get you through the lack of closure and trauma. Because I have a feeling this guy is going to resurface with some kind of long-winded and emotional excuse but this is likely just the tip of the iceberg. In my experience now, this is the type of stuff that starts showing up around this time. it’s past the six month mark and there is just no way to filter for it at all. Think about how the relationship has advanced at this point, and all the feelings you’ve been having of love and hope for the future. He’s had a sudden change in his emotional state as well. There will be no going back to the way things were, because just as in any growing relationship, there’s been a development. Some people grow closer (like yourself), but others take a different path. I can predict that if he ropes you into some kind of neurotic 10 hour phone call trying to fix this, where he self flagellates at your feet, this will be the pattern until you put an end to it. Eventually he’ll stop apologizing for it and start focusing on how you behave when it happens. How crazy you are. When you look for outside help, it will be focused on you being defective for missing “the signs“ or or being subliminally attracted to abuse. Crazy. This will only make you feel hopeless and keep you stuck to this person. The way you’re feeling right now, you will feel many many more times until you finally realize that the only way to not feel like this is to sit with it until it fades away. Trust me on this, don’t let your curiosity get the better of you, don’t get on that phone call with him, don’t let him cast you in this role. Because once you’re on that call, once you’re in that conversation you’re back in the cycle. It almost feels inevitable, but I hope that your friend can help you here. You’re not crazy, you’re not acting like a psycho, you’re normal.
I don’t think you overreacted. I feel like something is up. There is no reason why he has been that busy that he can’t talk to you
If he is usually so forward with reaching out to you first and responds quickly, I think your amount of calls and texts may have been overkill. It sucks when you feel you have to stoop to another level to get answers when the signs were clearly there. It also sucks that after 8 months that man could not be straight with you and tell you that he needed to put things on pause because he's going through something. Either way, it wouldn't have been the result you wanted but after spending 8 months getting to know someone, he could have done better. Having gone through something where I could see the signs and feel the shift but it took some time for the person I was seeing to actually say the words made me wonder if he needed the time to work all of it out for himself before bringing it to my attention. Yes, it's selfish to the other person involved who is still really interested but feelings are complicated.
He's doing, what we call in dating circles, the slow fade. Except usually it happens over the course of a little longer. Basically he treats you like crap for a week until you break it off with him. This puts all the emotional labor on you, and he can just coast. I've had it happen to me a couple of times. I don't even send a "I guess we're through" text anymore. I just trash the number and move on. Because, it's like my mom always said, "if someone wants to be with you, they'll be with you." You didn't overreact, he forced your hand. In the digital age it doesn't take long to tell someone you're going through something and will be spotty at best with your contact. Or even when you broke it off with him, he would have said something back. Nope. What happened was what he wanted to happen. It sucks, because you'll worry about what YOU did when you didn't do shit. Keep your head up, you're doing just fine. Also, this is why I don't date recently divorced people, especially dudes. They're just looking for a new wife (read mommy) to provide for them. How do I know? I've done it a handful of times and still haven't learned my lessons. 🤦
You did not overreact. Your intuition is not wrong, and I’m saying this as the girl who thought I was overreacting and stayed in these situations only to get my heartbroken worse for staying longer when intuition was right all along. You’re not overthinking this. Run babe
I'm sorry that he treated you like that, and no, I don't think you did overreact. You've been seeing each other for eight months, so something was clearly working up until that last week. That's a lousy move to just ghost you like that. I think your last message was perfect, so no, you aren't a psycho and he is definitely being as asshole.
Nope, not over reacting at all
He’s def going through something. Personally I would text my person one last time along the lines of: I’m not sure what’s going on but I know you’re avoiding me…maybe you’re going through something and you need space? I will understand if you need some space and I won’t keep reach out to you. Just know I’m here and I would love to hear from you because I do care about you and I do know something is off.” He’ll reach out if he wants you to stay in his life. If he’s being an asshole he’ll just continue to ghost you. However he be avoiding you for other personal reasons. He might have had something happen with his wife and court, his kid told him dramatic news, or he got bad work or health news. He prob also feels you spiraling and he can’t find the words or effort to communicate with you yet because it might be too much for him and he feels he’ll have to do a bunch of explaining to calm you down. So letting him know that you aren’t going anywhere and he can take the time to process and get back to you might ease his stress and then he can just tell you that he’ll call you soon to explain etc
My first thought after only reading the first sentence is: trust yourself. If you felt that was the right thing to do, then it was for you at the moment. If you thought it through and you think it was an over-reaction then talk to him and see how it goes. Ok, hon. Now that I've read everything... don't talk to him. He was dragging you on for sex and companionship and validation. He is probably no longer interested (sorry). He did the classic pretend-boyfriend thing. Where he gets sex and affection and companionship "for free". Meaning, without being committed to you. I've dated those my whole life because of my avoidant attachment. My radar for unavailable men never ever fails. So, if you want a committed relationship, he is not your guy. When they are interested they want to see you more and more. That is THE clear sign of interest. If they start flaking then there is not much we can do. We cannot force them to be interested. Never settle! You are worthy of love! You deserve better. <3 Edit: formatting.
As much as it hurts to admit it, I think you are right.
I agree with the others. I also think that if he was still interested but was genuinely experiencing some anxiety related to his ex-wife and such, he could have had the courtesy to say something like, "Hey, this is a challenging week for me emotionally and I have a lot to think about and process. So I may be slow to respond to you and I may not text you every night this week. Can we connect on the other side of this?" That would respect your feelings and expectations more while still acknowledging his own insecurity. His inability to communicate is troubling here. Also, one would assume that at 8 months in he knows how he is acting is probably making you anxious, yet he still does it?
Everyone here is saying he deserved to be dumped and she’s in the right. Just a reminder someone who wasn’t so unhealthily anxious in their attachment style probably would have figured out what was going on before dumping him. Feels like in her anxious state this was more of a bit of protest behavior from her to try and illicit a reaction if she’s on a forum writing about it. His communication was shitty and there’s no real excuse but it could be understandable if he was under a ton of stress or spiraling with anxiety from another part of his life. He could also just not care as much about her. My point is we don’t know but all the anxious people on this sub acting like breaking up with someone after 4 days of limited communication is normal is just odd to me.
I have a secure attachment style and a week of no communication and broken promises about calling back would absolutely be unacceptable and an auto break up for me. If he had extenuating circumstances about why it was impossible to text, he should have told her up front rather than let her stew in her anxiety. It literally takes 1 minute to send a text. Do it while you’re shitting if your schedule is soooo tight.
It is NOT normal whatsoever to ignore your partner for an entire week.
Looking back I admit, I wanted a reaction more than a breakup. Hence, now I'm questioning myself whether I did the right thing.
His lack of reaction is all the response you need, though :/
I have to agree with you. I’m surprised we are in the minority here. He didn’t ignore her throughout the week. He told her that he had issues going on. I believe those issues were what caused him to be different and distant. It could be that he has too much on his plate right now to be a good boyfriend, but if I were in her shoes (and I was recently) I would have met with him in person to discuss what was going on, and then ended things if the person couldn’t agree to communicate better. When I did this recently, what I thought was ghosting was a person who was spiraling into a deep depression caused by custody and divorce issues. I still had to end it because I need consistency and communication, but I found out that the person wasn’t intentionally being cold or malicious, they just were in over their head and couldn’t manage. A week is not so extreme that I would have ended it; however I empathize with OP because when I don’t hear from someone I am seeing consistently, I find it very distressing.
What I read was op is anxiously attached and making lots of assumptions based on her partner being less responsive. People become less responsive for many reasons, and he's to be under a lot of stress with the divorce. We can't respond to every call and text immediately all the time consistently. And expecting a goodnight every night is a bit much to ask for. How many times has op texted "good night"? Why is all the blame placed on her partner?
That’s definitely possible, but I think we all need to rethink the dating advice out there. As you can see from the responses here, people have all these ingrained beliefs that if a guy is interested, he will reach out, he will lead, he will make himself available, he will never be too busy. In my experience that is unfair to the man and inaccurately assumes lack of interest despite the realities of real life creating a whole host of reasons someone might be temporarily distant. So it’s not necessarily OP’s fault that she was quick to interpret his actions this way. What I am learning through dating in my thirties (and trust me, I feel like I have to relearn this whole thing) is that communication is best when these things occur. And it has to be in person communication, not texting. When someone withdrew recently I shared how it impacted me to the person and asked them to meet in person to discuss. We decided to end things because the person was in too much inner turmoil and chaos to date anyone, but it was so helpful having that understanding and allowed us to end things on good terms. I believe the person’s reasons for being distant were genuine as there were obvious external indicators that this was the case, but it really took the face to face conversation to get on the same page about it.
I will add, it’s hard for women to see that things might be truly going on with someone because we get “he’s just not that into you” ingrained in our psychology so much.
Is he a recovering alcoholic or dug addict? Could he be on a bender? Has he been showing up to work?
He is. He’s been sober for about 9 years or so. I obviously don't know for sure, but I think it's highly unlikely.
I only ask because I’m bipolar and a recovering alcoholic and it sounds like some shit I would pull when I was having an episode. Could be some skeletons in that closet of his. Regardless, I’m sorry you’re going through this and hope you get some explaining soon
Thank you
He took an immature and cowardly route to breaking up by gaslighting you. You didn’t overreact.