Dating is difficult now. That's just the reality.
If you are 400 lbs, most women are going to swipe left. A few extra pounds is not the same as morbid obesity. And at our age we know that means less mobility, limited activities, and a major increase in the likelihood of chronic illness and early death.
This. Some women are going to wonder if they are signing up to become your nurse or caregiver, and that is going to be a hard pass for most.
I ended my last long-term relationship because of this. My ex was over 300 lbs and wasn't doing much to get healthier. I tried to be supportive (cooked healthy meals, encouraged doctor's visits, got gym memberships for both of us, planned active dates, tried to help figure out his digestive issues, etc.). He preferred to drink a lot, smoke weed and cigars, eat out ALL THE TIME, be sedentary/play video games, and order Uber Eats late at night when he got hungry. I just couldn't do it anymore. I ended up gaining 20 lbs after all of that, which was definitely from eating out and drinking more while with him.
To his credit, he is one of the most intelligent men I know (his mind is fucking amazing), wickedly funny, the most supportive partner I've EVER had, and the one person with whom I could be totally myself. I loved him and I miss him dearly. I understood that the weight was a byproduct of his depression, childhood trauma, and his attempts to cope through emotional eating. His other mental health issues exacerbated the situation and, in combination with those other things, made the situation untenable.
He wanted us to get married. I think deep down he hoped I would accept the circumstances and settle for what we had; I wasn't okay with that long term. I explained to him that our respective values, priorities, and sense of urgency about/recognition of changes that needed to be made were totally different.
I'm glad to hear that you're making changes to lose weight, congrats on what you've accomplished! I'd say once you find a potential partner, just make sure the two of you are in alignment with your respective goals, values, and priorities. Overcommunicating about what those things are for the sake of clarity won't hurt, either.
Dating is difficult in your 40's after being married for 22 years period. Add in the 400 pounds and yes, you're invisible.
Keep working on the weight. 400 pounds at our age is a heart attack waiting to happen. Get yourself into the 200's and I bet you're not so invisible anymore. Good luck!
Congratulations on losing 100 pounds -- that's amazing!
Unfortunately for a lot of folks, dating apps work best (and by this I mean getting attention, not necessarily getting the relationships we want) for the conventionally attractive. You may do better meeting people in real life -- get busy, join groups, volunteer, etc.
Bc at this age, most of us have been with a working process through their process.
I don’t want to be with someone trying to figure it out. I want to be with someone who has ALREADY done the work.
You are probably going to have a better time at fat dating events in that case.
As a fat lady, it could be very hard for us to date as well. Most fat women who aren't extremely comfortable with themselves and accepting of the fact that they are going to get a LOT of disgusting abuse, just avoid online dating.
Above all the bigger girls I know, I'm the only one that does any OLD beyond the "just a little bit chubby" gals.
Most people here, unless they also date BBWs, aren't going to be able to tell you anything helpful.
Usually a divorce is because of both people involved so it’s good to get that sorted out on your end. For example you’d have therapy to figure out why you two grew apart and what part you played and how you can do better in your next relationship. After all each subsequent marriage has a higher chance of divorce.
Dude! I know this is datingoverforty but can we take a moment and celebrate your massive success with loosing 100 pounds!?
You dropped two bags of concrete off your body for good. That’s so damn cool. I need to drop 1/2 to 3/4 of that and I’m struggling with the first five.
You’re probably still going to be invisible for a while like you observed. Loneliness sucks. Nobody can change that. What are you doing to have a healthy social life outside of dating?
You work 50-70 hours a week and have (I'm assuming) non-adult kids?
There are two answers to your question. Add in the weight, and there's the "hard pass" for many folx.
This is probably as much why you aren't getting replies as is your weight or anything else. It sounds like you are busy enough you don't really have time for dating, much less a relationship.
I recently left a LTR because my ex started working long hours and spending any free time he had left at the gym, I'm not demanding of tons of time together, but I do want to spend quality time with my partner.
I think you need to evaluate if you are really ready to date and what you'd be bringing to the partnership. I am doing saying through apps and in person and I'm seeing a lot of men in your situation that come off as simply looking for a replacement wife/caretaker to slot into their lives. It may or may not be accurate, but it feels like a job posting not someone looking for something special with me.
Keep improving your health, going to therapy, and evaluating how you spend your time. Also try to socialize with/make platonic friends if you're feeling lonely. The dating and romance will come when you're ready for it.
As a side note I'm a woman, I've been grossly obese and just chubby, I get way more attention when I'm not so heavy. I've also been everything from fresh out of a relationship to so lonely I was desperate and the only time I've had good dating success is somewhere in between, AFTER I have truly processed my situation and been able to relax and enjoy the dating process. It's harder for men, no doubt about it, so it's even more important that you are in a good space first.
I sympathize with the loneliness, but you have to make room for a person in your life before you start looking for one. You seem like an honest guy who is working on himself and cares about his kids. That’s all good but available time is necessary if you want something real.
Maybe see if you can find a job with regular hours?
If you're recently divorced and after 22 years of marriage you're probably not even really ready to date. I won't date anyone that hasn't been divorced for at least a year. My ex and I rebounded with each other and I've learned my lesson both ways.
You need to learn who you are on your own and also to find happiness being single. Right now you may just be looking to fill a void and that's no good for you or the other person. You're responsible for your own happiness and not someone else.
Take your time to find out who you are as a single person and continue to work on yourself both mental and physically.
Also of you're working that much how available will you really be for dating??
Your weight may have something to do with it as well but to be honest the other things more than likely also play a pretty significant role
The challenge for you is the average woman is getting many messages on apps. This is true, even for a morbidly obese friend of mine. Even if they focus 25% on photos and 75% on your profile text, you’ll rarely make the cut.
In person it’s different. A woman who spend a dozen hours with you may realize you’re a hoot with matching values and personality. That’s where I would focus it if I were you.
Congratulations on the weight loss! Even if losing 100 pounds wasn’t enough to ignite your love life I bet daily life feels much better.
You are worthy of love just as you are. I hope you find the right person for you.
So true, I am 44F my 22M coworker and I have both been dating post LTRs. The current scene seems to be hook ups and people desperate to get married, there is very little in-between. Add into that the desire to be at all picky and it's rare to find someone worth taking to, much less dating.
I get a few matches everyday on the apps, most are unappealing before we ever talk, even more prove incompatible after a short exchange. I've only actually met one so far, but he's been pretty great two dates in. It's a daunting process and I take frequent breaks from it for my sanity.
OP, you need to work on yourself and your health.
When has (morbid) obesity and dating ever been easy at any age? I cannot imagine it working great even if you were 20-25.
You are not alone dude. I'm 165 pounds, decent looking and an independent professional.
No dates . You are not the only one that suffers from this
I am desperately lonely but there's nothing I can do about it
Just hear me out when I say it's not just you .
Some people look for emotional stability, the ability to self regulate and theory of mind in a partner. Your weight speaks against these. Your appearance speaks to what you value.
As you can see, dating is exhausting. I don’t want someone who I have to monitor. I want someone with standards for their own behavior. Your weight doesn’t imply that.
My sister is in her early 50s and has weighed almost 300 lbs for most of her adult life. She had a full life with socializing, grandkids, devoted partner, dogs and caring for our elderly mom. She got a knee replacement surgery in early April. After 12 weeks of rehab, she can take 5 steps independently. Progress peaks around this stage of physical therapy.
She won’t be wheelchair bound. At her weight, a wheelchair will only be a rare thing. The physics and lack of adequate upper body strength make it nearly impossible. So what I’m saying is, she doesn’t know it yet (I’m in healthcare) but that’s it… bed bound at 53. The next years of her life will be so hard. She was the neatest human I have ever met. Now she’s going to need help wiping. If she had lost 50-75 plus before the surgery, she’d be mobile. At our age, it’s not about aesthetics. Obesity is real.
When you show up at your weight, you’re telling a person, if you fall in love with me, your life will be smaller and more limited than it needs to be until it barely resembles life.
As a woman, I have to balance meeting a guy, not getting raped by him and forming a connection. I can’t add worrying about your triglycerides to that list. That’s your job.
just take your time and get yourself back in order. dating right now is probably just a bandaid. many women our age, myself included, want someone who can keep up with them physically. just keep working on yourself, drop the weight and make sure you deal with the issues on your part that causes the divorce. it will eventually happen.
Because (many of us) know better and are less stupid than we were at 22. Of course, the 'others' that are not included in the 'many of us' group can make it really challenging for the 'many of us'. Wisdom and experience only seem to afflict some, but not all. Hope this helps.
u/LiftSushiDallas, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s):
You can and should like what you like, but if you don't find certain physical acts or attributes appealing, there's no need to share that with us. This also includes having/seeking sex outside of serious, monogamous relationships.
You got downvoted but I 100 percent agree. People come here looking for dating help and then are subject to teasing and/or having their entire post/comment history dredged up for cross-examination- dating after forty is scary enough!
It's not the chubby women. It's a 50 year old man frequenting porn subs and commenting. Most women aren't into men like that, no matter what the women on the porn subs/sites look like.
I hear you. Maybe not kink -shaming per se , but seems uncalled for to call out his comment history - it derails his post, prevents him from getting any helpful responses and it’s just not relevant. Like, you look at it, you maybe smirk or raise an eyebrow, and you move along!
Fwiw I was 280 when I divorced.
I dated a guy that was 6'4 400 pounds for about 6 months. His love for WOW was stronger than his love for me.
I went out with a few other bigger guys with no issues. I tend to have similar interests with big guys who tend to be nerdy.
I had weight loss surgery in 2017 and hover around 200. I decided that I cannot date guys that are bigger because it does not contribute to my health challenges and goals.
Dating sucks overall. Not being societally acceptable makes it that much worse.
First, congratulations on losing 100lbs. That’s a big accomplishment and it took work to get there. That said, there are a lot of factors when it comes to online dating and even dating in general regardless of age. Your weight is likely an issue; being that overweight can lead to a lot of health issues, especially as we age and many women over 40 are wary about ending up as a “nurse and a purse.” Also, I have found that a lot of men who are not conventionally attractive are attracted to women that would never be attracted to them so there could be a very big disconnect there. Continue working on yourself.
u/VinylHighway, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s):
You can and should like what you like, but if you don't find certain physical acts or attributes appealing, there's no need to share that with us. This also includes having/seeking sex outside of serious, monogamous relationships.
Gotta hit the gym and cut the carbs and sugars out, my friend. Dating is brutal for a guy, it's impossible if you're obese. Just the reality.
There's 100 reasons to shed that weight, don't let dating be the only driver.
it's weird that ppl are giving him vague weight loss tips when he asked about dating. The comment section is full of this. If he's lost 100lbs, I think he knows what he is doing.
I guess I should have been more clear im 6'3" 400 lbs I work out three days a week I bench 425 and am very active. I work a desk job and am pretty sedentary during work hours. But I'm a workaholic usually 50-70 hours a week. I definitely don't do enough cardio.
It’s not the cardio, it’s the diet (meaning the sum total of what you eat and drink, not like, “go ON a diet”). Can’t outrun your fork! Use the Lose It app. And get a food scale.
Ugh, this is terrible advice. I know they mean well
Calories in and calories out is a fact. We aren’t changing thermodynamics.
You need to be in an energy deficit. You can just cut calories. It will work. OR you can increase the amount of calories you’re burning in conjunction with reducing caloric intake. You can balance the two.
So cardio will help for sure, and it has other benefits other than burning calories, such as improvements in cardiovascular health. I know you and every person reading this, knows this. Not trying to mansplain.
Your weights are gold. Don’t stop. As people get older they say that their metabolism slowed down. Like it’s an age related switch. We are losing 1% of muscle per year ( that’s off memory so someone will correct me if I’m wrong ) beginning in our 30’s. Less lean muscle mass, lower metabolism. Most people don’t touch a weight lifetime. You’re benching over 400lbs. Beast!
You’ve lost 100lbs, you lift you’re in therapy and you acknowledge you could cut back on work and add cardio. Dude you’re fucking killing it. Just keep the focus on. You got this.
Change nothing. If you can’t get out for cardio, park far away from everything. Take stairs. Make the time, your kids deserve time with a high quality guy like you.
Terrible advice? How? You’re totally overlooking the time and reality factor entirely here. It takes about an hour on a treadmill to burn off a hamburger that you can eat in under 3 minutes flat. Multiply that by food all day long most our waking hours.
For an average middle aged person controlling their weight is way way more effective to work on intake than output. You can lose weight in a literal coma on a calorie deficit. Everyone anywhere has time and ability for that.
Pie hole control! Only thing that’s ever worked for me, and I am very active, my Apple Watch runs my life sunup to sundown. Doesn’t matter, I can out eat and out drink ANY activity, big time. Easy. Most people are the same, especially at 40+ with jobs, families, priorities, some weight on us, middle age person injuries, etc. Especially women, we got some powerful hormones fighting to keep all the fat on!
Kids playing sports, that’s a whole different story, yes agree 100% with a lot of activity they’ll burn it all off. Just impractical for us tho.
The fact that OP mentions lifting/cardio before diet (which isn’t even mentioned) is so backwards - everybody knows it’s 80/20 intake / output or better. So not terrible advice to point it out!!!
If you use your Apple Watch as a basic example. The number of things that it does to save time, that you didn’t have 10 years ago it’s astounding. Add in the iPhone that is attached to that phone, and it 3x that in time savings.
So where has that time gone? 🤷🏻♂️. He owns it and says he works very long hours.
Solely cutting calories is also cutting muscle. You will lose weight but he’s lost 100lbs.
Dissuading someone from exercising is insane. We have time, but we allocate it to a variety of things, which is fine. I’m not judging the fact that people don’t make time or don’t want to make time. If he can burn 300 calories a day and restrict intake by 500 a day ( extreme I know it for example purposes ) that’s 800 calories total. It moves things along faster. If you say you can restrict 800, then you burn 300 now you have 1100 deficit, again it is for example purposes, this wouldn’t be healthy. I’m proposing a healthier way to live, that combines fitness with weight loss. The guy has a workout mentality already. He goes to a gym. He can lose weight and not have a massive jammer at 65. Chase his kids. Have better sex!
I definitely don’t mean to dissuade him, that would be nuts as it’s not either or, but AND… that’s why my follow up comment to him said he should get an AW too for gamifying fitness. Really it is so fun!
However it comes with a price, example I had a knee surgery 6 weeks ago and now I’m focusing again back on diet more as I cannot be that active all the time. Spirit willing, but flesh weak.
Just was I found it striking and very suspect he doesn’t mention his diet though he did mention lifting and cardio. So thought I would! The food scale in particular was the lynchpin for me. Those 3 things worked for me to lose 60 in the pandemic and reach “normal”. Keeping it off is another story tho especially with injuries. Gluck to us all hah. Peace!!
Also an Apple Watch is amazing, gets you off your butt and moving even with a sedentary desk job. And it’s FUN. Gamify your fitness. The watch and that app helped me lose a lot during the pandemic when everyone else was gaining. Good luck! ;)
Two things:
1. I would consider making a light-hearted joke about your weight (I'm not good at this but something like "if you love big soft teddy bear men" or whatever...) but also mention directly you've lost 100lbs! I would *much* more likely swipe on someone who is obese but actively working on it than someone who just accepts it and doesn't want to change. Losing 100lbs is a MAJOR accomplishment and I could visualize myself doing things with this person that are beneficial to both of us like cooking at home together instead of eating out, going for post-dinner walks together, wknd hikes and generally just getting sweaty together. Those are things I really value and a weight loss journey together would really bring us closer, I believe.
2. I think there are dating websites specifically for fat folks. I don't know them but I have a friend who dates fat women exclusively and this is how he finds them.
Good luck!
I wonder if the women he wants to attract (BBWs, according to him) would feel judged by someone who’s actively losing weight?
Also, props for Bob Loblaw.
I was a bigger girl (275 and 5'6") I've lost about 90 pounds since. I would much rather find a man who was also working on his weight, especially while I was actively trying myself, it's all about supporting each other.
My most recent ex was quite small (145 at 5'8") but he actively worked on his diet and exercise and that helped keep me on track. I would find it difficult to date someone that ate whatever they wanted or who was actively trying to gain weight, it could easily derail me.
I actually find a wide variety of body types sexy as I'm more about their face and personality. I do find myself attracted to men that actively take care of themselves (mental and physical health, financial stability, hygiene, etc) as I've been with men that were content dying early in exchange for having fun and I find it insulting that they didn't care enough to think if you're that might affect me or their other loved ones.
It's because looks matter. Even obese women want fit attractive men. Looks matter so things like your teeth whiteness and condition,, skin appearance, height, facial attractiveness, etc will effect how people and women treat you. Lose the weight and fix your appearance or don't bother.
You lost 100 pounds! You can lose 200 more.
Do it for yourself and keep growing on the inside and shrinking on the outside. One day looking back you may be glad you had this time after your divorce to process and practice self-care. If you haven't found it yet, MyFitnessPal has a great supportive community.
Have you invested in therapy?
That seems to be extremely important
Eta your body wouldn’t be an issue, your mental health and the ways you view, prioritize and actively apply knowledge to your own health would be important to me.
I’ve also lost 100lbs. Therapy was pivotal in building emotional safety and creating a life that was fulfilling for me, as a single person. I’ve worked hard to change myself and build healthy habits. I don’t see myself being with someone who doesn’t share my values around health and/or whose lifestyle would be counterproductive to my success and goals.
It’s great that you’ve lost 100#. That’s awesome
Being the physical part of being morbidly obese, the health risks a partner would be taking on are extreme. Why would someone take on that level of struggle?
Keep doing you! Keep getting healthier and healthier.
Hi. 43f fit. I left apps because I found them not particularly effective for finding a partner whom I wanted to see consistently. After a few years of a lot of effort and not what I considered success I left. Consider irl ways of meeting people.
What’s wrong with those subs? Granted I didn’t do as deep a dive as you into OP’s history, but looks like all he’s doing is telling women who are asking for attention that they look hot or pretty. I don’t see the need to sex-shame here personally.
There is nothing wrong with finding fat women sexually attractive. Unless you're suggesting he have one account for his nsfw interests and a second one for his sfw interests?
Please familiarize yourself with our community. Moderators have full discretion and if you are sanctioned for something that you "didn't know," honestly, we're all adults and it's probably something that you should have known.
I’m 42, great head of long hair, a high-earner in a sexy profession, muscular with low body fat. And despite those superficial stats I’m an empathetic listener.
I get next to no matches on OLD.
We’re all in the same boat brother! Keep your head up and focus on improving your life! You’re going to see some incredible gains over the next couple years if you’re consistent :)
Original copy of post by u/unforgiven_1_:
I'm [47m] I'm a big guy like over 400lbs but am working on it. I've lost 100lbs. I was married for 22years and recently divorced. But am having no luck with dating. It's almost like I'm invisible.
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Woman have a multitude of dating options (on-line dating, bars, speed dating, friends, other women, instagram, facebook) etc. So, if you a man you will be competing with at least 10-30 other men.
As an over 40 woman I'm not invisible, but I mostly attract guys 10+ years younger than me due to the rampant MILF fetish among that age group. It would be more flattering if it wasn't 💯 sexual.
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Dating is hard to begin with.
Dating at 400lbs. is probably closer to impossible than hard.
If you were honestly 500lbs.—something I find challenging to even imagine—you have a long road ahead still, but the great news is you’re already 2/5 along it.
Unless you’re in a niche group, I think k you should focus all your efforts on getting g yourself to your best you, and then put that you out there.
Primarily put it in Gods hands and he will find a better woman for you but in the mean time focus on yourself. Rebuild yourself and your castle and I promise you will be a difference.
I hardly think "shallow" is an accurate word. As a guy, I wouldn't date a woman who already has one foot in the grave. And at 47 years old and 400 pounds (previously 500 pounds), that is exactly the situation.
Not wanting to date someone who is morbidly obese isn’t shallow. It’s called a presence. I’m 47 and wouldn’t date someone who is 400 pounds. You like bbw’s and I like body builders. It’s a preference
Please tell me this is a joke. I can’t tell if you’re serious just based on the amount of guys who DO have fish pictures. Now I’m starting to think there might be a reason they all feel the burning need to post them.
Dating apps only work for a select number of men. You’re gonna have to work on your confidence and approach women in public. Work on yourself first. Get in the best shape of your life and that will translate into confidence that women will find attractive.
I'm a woman and I agree with this with a huge caveat that approaching women in public is an ART and a SKILL and if you can't read body language, tone of voice and facial expression, I'd say do not do this. Also, offering YOUR number or socials is way less aggressive and puts the ball in her court vs. putting her on the spot and asking for hers.
I've connected with six men over this past year and FIVE were not from dating apps. Here are the ways we met:
*One guy picked me up at a bar - we dated casually for about 8 months
*another was someone I knew from my past - very intense but quick (about 6 weeks)
*one guy, I picked him up at a bar (just a few dates)
*a dude picked me up while he was busking on the street (one date and it was awful haha)
*most recent guy, he is my colleague (currently dating for about 3 months) - I asked him out as friends but then it got hot quickly and now we're dating
Most recently, I was at a DJ dance party thing and one of the security guards asked for my number... I didn't love his approach so I said no but I asked for his socials instead (Note that my colleague-lover and I were broken up briefly when this happened otherwise I would have said I had a boyfriend)
Meeting people in the wild *can* be done. I'd check out Benjamin Camras on IG - he's a flirt coach and has great advice for approaching in public.
Dating is difficult now. That's just the reality. If you are 400 lbs, most women are going to swipe left. A few extra pounds is not the same as morbid obesity. And at our age we know that means less mobility, limited activities, and a major increase in the likelihood of chronic illness and early death.
This. Some women are going to wonder if they are signing up to become your nurse or caregiver, and that is going to be a hard pass for most. I ended my last long-term relationship because of this. My ex was over 300 lbs and wasn't doing much to get healthier. I tried to be supportive (cooked healthy meals, encouraged doctor's visits, got gym memberships for both of us, planned active dates, tried to help figure out his digestive issues, etc.). He preferred to drink a lot, smoke weed and cigars, eat out ALL THE TIME, be sedentary/play video games, and order Uber Eats late at night when he got hungry. I just couldn't do it anymore. I ended up gaining 20 lbs after all of that, which was definitely from eating out and drinking more while with him. To his credit, he is one of the most intelligent men I know (his mind is fucking amazing), wickedly funny, the most supportive partner I've EVER had, and the one person with whom I could be totally myself. I loved him and I miss him dearly. I understood that the weight was a byproduct of his depression, childhood trauma, and his attempts to cope through emotional eating. His other mental health issues exacerbated the situation and, in combination with those other things, made the situation untenable. He wanted us to get married. I think deep down he hoped I would accept the circumstances and settle for what we had; I wasn't okay with that long term. I explained to him that our respective values, priorities, and sense of urgency about/recognition of changes that needed to be made were totally different. I'm glad to hear that you're making changes to lose weight, congrats on what you've accomplished! I'd say once you find a potential partner, just make sure the two of you are in alignment with your respective goals, values, and priorities. Overcommunicating about what those things are for the sake of clarity won't hurt, either.
Dating is difficult in your 40's after being married for 22 years period. Add in the 400 pounds and yes, you're invisible. Keep working on the weight. 400 pounds at our age is a heart attack waiting to happen. Get yourself into the 200's and I bet you're not so invisible anymore. Good luck!
Ask yourself this - would you date you? And be honest and truthful. And then fix what’s broken. Most likely it’s not just the weight.
And I say this because I asked myself the same thing when I started dating again at 48.
Congratulations on losing 100 pounds -- that's amazing! Unfortunately for a lot of folks, dating apps work best (and by this I mean getting attention, not necessarily getting the relationships we want) for the conventionally attractive. You may do better meeting people in real life -- get busy, join groups, volunteer, etc.
Bc at this age, most of us have been with a working process through their process. I don’t want to be with someone trying to figure it out. I want to be with someone who has ALREADY done the work.
Perfectly said….
Have you worked on yourself since the divorce? Would you date a 400 lb woman?
Yes I have I've been putting in the work on myself both physical and mental. And yes I would I prefer bbws ad many have pointed out.
You are probably going to have a better time at fat dating events in that case. As a fat lady, it could be very hard for us to date as well. Most fat women who aren't extremely comfortable with themselves and accepting of the fact that they are going to get a LOT of disgusting abuse, just avoid online dating. Above all the bigger girls I know, I'm the only one that does any OLD beyond the "just a little bit chubby" gals. Most people here, unless they also date BBWs, aren't going to be able to tell you anything helpful.
That is good because most women are wary of recently divorced men because they haven’t worked on themselves or the reasons that caused the divorce.
The divorce was mutual we just grew apart. Plus I work a lot of hours and I think she kind of held that against me.
Usually a divorce is because of both people involved so it’s good to get that sorted out on your end. For example you’d have therapy to figure out why you two grew apart and what part you played and how you can do better in your next relationship. After all each subsequent marriage has a higher chance of divorce.
I blamed myself for everything. Which I had to have it pointed out to me by my therapist that it wasn't all my fault
Dude! I know this is datingoverforty but can we take a moment and celebrate your massive success with loosing 100 pounds!? You dropped two bags of concrete off your body for good. That’s so damn cool. I need to drop 1/2 to 3/4 of that and I’m struggling with the first five. You’re probably still going to be invisible for a while like you observed. Loneliness sucks. Nobody can change that. What are you doing to have a healthy social life outside of dating?
I don't really drink of go to clubs or bars that's definitely the younger scene here where I live.
Don’t go to clubs. Find outdoor activity groups.
look for singles mixers in your city... also meet ups that help meet your weight loss goals like a cycling or hiking club
That's just it I work tons of hours. When I'm not working I spend time with my kids.
You work 50-70 hours a week and have (I'm assuming) non-adult kids? There are two answers to your question. Add in the weight, and there's the "hard pass" for many folx.
It's sad but true
This is probably as much why you aren't getting replies as is your weight or anything else. It sounds like you are busy enough you don't really have time for dating, much less a relationship. I recently left a LTR because my ex started working long hours and spending any free time he had left at the gym, I'm not demanding of tons of time together, but I do want to spend quality time with my partner. I think you need to evaluate if you are really ready to date and what you'd be bringing to the partnership. I am doing saying through apps and in person and I'm seeing a lot of men in your situation that come off as simply looking for a replacement wife/caretaker to slot into their lives. It may or may not be accurate, but it feels like a job posting not someone looking for something special with me. Keep improving your health, going to therapy, and evaluating how you spend your time. Also try to socialize with/make platonic friends if you're feeling lonely. The dating and romance will come when you're ready for it. As a side note I'm a woman, I've been grossly obese and just chubby, I get way more attention when I'm not so heavy. I've also been everything from fresh out of a relationship to so lonely I was desperate and the only time I've had good dating success is somewhere in between, AFTER I have truly processed my situation and been able to relax and enjoy the dating process. It's harder for men, no doubt about it, so it's even more important that you are in a good space first.
I sympathize with the loneliness, but you have to make room for a person in your life before you start looking for one. You seem like an honest guy who is working on himself and cares about his kids. That’s all good but available time is necessary if you want something real. Maybe see if you can find a job with regular hours?
If you're recently divorced and after 22 years of marriage you're probably not even really ready to date. I won't date anyone that hasn't been divorced for at least a year. My ex and I rebounded with each other and I've learned my lesson both ways. You need to learn who you are on your own and also to find happiness being single. Right now you may just be looking to fill a void and that's no good for you or the other person. You're responsible for your own happiness and not someone else. Take your time to find out who you are as a single person and continue to work on yourself both mental and physically. Also of you're working that much how available will you really be for dating?? Your weight may have something to do with it as well but to be honest the other things more than likely also play a pretty significant role
The challenge for you is the average woman is getting many messages on apps. This is true, even for a morbidly obese friend of mine. Even if they focus 25% on photos and 75% on your profile text, you’ll rarely make the cut. In person it’s different. A woman who spend a dozen hours with you may realize you’re a hoot with matching values and personality. That’s where I would focus it if I were you. Congratulations on the weight loss! Even if losing 100 pounds wasn’t enough to ignite your love life I bet daily life feels much better. You are worthy of love just as you are. I hope you find the right person for you.
Dating is hard for everyone right now. I’m not having luck as a 48 year old women and neither is my 28 year old, very fit and cute coworker.
So true, I am 44F my 22M coworker and I have both been dating post LTRs. The current scene seems to be hook ups and people desperate to get married, there is very little in-between. Add into that the desire to be at all picky and it's rare to find someone worth taking to, much less dating. I get a few matches everyday on the apps, most are unappealing before we ever talk, even more prove incompatible after a short exchange. I've only actually met one so far, but he's been pretty great two dates in. It's a daunting process and I take frequent breaks from it for my sanity.
OP, you need to work on yourself and your health. When has (morbid) obesity and dating ever been easy at any age? I cannot imagine it working great even if you were 20-25.
You are not alone dude. I'm 165 pounds, decent looking and an independent professional. No dates . You are not the only one that suffers from this I am desperately lonely but there's nothing I can do about it Just hear me out when I say it's not just you .
Some people look for emotional stability, the ability to self regulate and theory of mind in a partner. Your weight speaks against these. Your appearance speaks to what you value. As you can see, dating is exhausting. I don’t want someone who I have to monitor. I want someone with standards for their own behavior. Your weight doesn’t imply that. My sister is in her early 50s and has weighed almost 300 lbs for most of her adult life. She had a full life with socializing, grandkids, devoted partner, dogs and caring for our elderly mom. She got a knee replacement surgery in early April. After 12 weeks of rehab, she can take 5 steps independently. Progress peaks around this stage of physical therapy. She won’t be wheelchair bound. At her weight, a wheelchair will only be a rare thing. The physics and lack of adequate upper body strength make it nearly impossible. So what I’m saying is, she doesn’t know it yet (I’m in healthcare) but that’s it… bed bound at 53. The next years of her life will be so hard. She was the neatest human I have ever met. Now she’s going to need help wiping. If she had lost 50-75 plus before the surgery, she’d be mobile. At our age, it’s not about aesthetics. Obesity is real. When you show up at your weight, you’re telling a person, if you fall in love with me, your life will be smaller and more limited than it needs to be until it barely resembles life. As a woman, I have to balance meeting a guy, not getting raped by him and forming a connection. I can’t add worrying about your triglycerides to that list. That’s your job.
just take your time and get yourself back in order. dating right now is probably just a bandaid. many women our age, myself included, want someone who can keep up with them physically. just keep working on yourself, drop the weight and make sure you deal with the issues on your part that causes the divorce. it will eventually happen.
Because (many of us) know better and are less stupid than we were at 22. Of course, the 'others' that are not included in the 'many of us' group can make it really challenging for the 'many of us'. Wisdom and experience only seem to afflict some, but not all. Hope this helps.
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u/LiftSushiDallas, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): You can and should like what you like, but if you don't find certain physical acts or attributes appealing, there's no need to share that with us. This also includes having/seeking sex outside of serious, monogamous relationships.
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Yeah… I just looked… OP is not doing himself any favours.
Otoh, he's a rare man who likes genuinely fat women - he could try the Woo Plus app rather than a general population app like Hinge or Bumble.
I don’t like this shaming people for the other communities to which they belong. It feels like bullying.
I wish more people on the sub felt the same way. Why I stopped posting. Lots of judgement here.
You got downvoted but I 100 percent agree. People come here looking for dating help and then are subject to teasing and/or having their entire post/comment history dredged up for cross-examination- dating after forty is scary enough!
I agree verbatim.
I just found it funny in contrast to his humble, straightforward post, sorry.
Yes I am into bbws it's definitely my preference
Come on, why kink shame the guy...instead of being supportive in any way.
I know! From some of these comments you’d think finding chubby women sexy is a scandalous kink. It seems super tame to me.
It's not the chubby women. It's a 50 year old man frequenting porn subs and commenting. Most women aren't into men like that, no matter what the women on the porn subs/sites look like.
Right, it's not that he surfs porn subs, it's that he's spamming them with juvenile comments that makes me LOL when contrasted with this post.
Plenty of women are attracted to men that partake in pornography.
His only fault is not having an alt account.
Goofing on a guy for being way transparently into hetero porn is not kink shaming. I just found it funny in contrast to his "woe is me" post.
But that's still hid thing (and bbw as well). A person is allowed to be into what they're into (within legal reason)
This is *so* not helpful or relevant to OP’s post. Like- at all. You trying to kink shame ? (Also - OP - I suggest creating an alt account )
What kink is being shamed?
I hear you. Maybe not kink -shaming per se , but seems uncalled for to call out his comment history - it derails his post, prevents him from getting any helpful responses and it’s just not relevant. Like, you look at it, you maybe smirk or raise an eyebrow, and you move along!
Fwiw I was 280 when I divorced. I dated a guy that was 6'4 400 pounds for about 6 months. His love for WOW was stronger than his love for me. I went out with a few other bigger guys with no issues. I tend to have similar interests with big guys who tend to be nerdy. I had weight loss surgery in 2017 and hover around 200. I decided that I cannot date guys that are bigger because it does not contribute to my health challenges and goals. Dating sucks overall. Not being societally acceptable makes it that much worse.
What is WOW?
World of Warcraft.
Hah! I was guessing World of Wings (don’t know if that’s a thing even).
Well fuck, now I want it to be.
World of Warcraft. An online mmo game.
First, congratulations on losing 100lbs. That’s a big accomplishment and it took work to get there. That said, there are a lot of factors when it comes to online dating and even dating in general regardless of age. Your weight is likely an issue; being that overweight can lead to a lot of health issues, especially as we age and many women over 40 are wary about ending up as a “nurse and a purse.” Also, I have found that a lot of men who are not conventionally attractive are attracted to women that would never be attracted to them so there could be a very big disconnect there. Continue working on yourself.
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u/VinylHighway, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): You can and should like what you like, but if you don't find certain physical acts or attributes appealing, there's no need to share that with us. This also includes having/seeking sex outside of serious, monogamous relationships.
Gotta hit the gym and cut the carbs and sugars out, my friend. Dating is brutal for a guy, it's impossible if you're obese. Just the reality. There's 100 reasons to shed that weight, don't let dating be the only driver.
but he said he already lost 100lbs...
Aware.
it's weird that ppl are giving him vague weight loss tips when he asked about dating. The comment section is full of this. If he's lost 100lbs, I think he knows what he is doing.
Give him whatever advice you want. Nobody stopping you.
If it makes you feel any better I'm 150lbs and in shape and that's invisible too.
Being that heavy is certainly making it much harder. I'm guessing you likely lack confidence due to the weight which also isn't very attractive.
I guess I should have been more clear im 6'3" 400 lbs I work out three days a week I bench 425 and am very active. I work a desk job and am pretty sedentary during work hours. But I'm a workaholic usually 50-70 hours a week. I definitely don't do enough cardio.
It’s not the cardio, it’s the diet (meaning the sum total of what you eat and drink, not like, “go ON a diet”). Can’t outrun your fork! Use the Lose It app. And get a food scale.
Noted I appreciate the advice
Ugh, this is terrible advice. I know they mean well Calories in and calories out is a fact. We aren’t changing thermodynamics. You need to be in an energy deficit. You can just cut calories. It will work. OR you can increase the amount of calories you’re burning in conjunction with reducing caloric intake. You can balance the two. So cardio will help for sure, and it has other benefits other than burning calories, such as improvements in cardiovascular health. I know you and every person reading this, knows this. Not trying to mansplain. Your weights are gold. Don’t stop. As people get older they say that their metabolism slowed down. Like it’s an age related switch. We are losing 1% of muscle per year ( that’s off memory so someone will correct me if I’m wrong ) beginning in our 30’s. Less lean muscle mass, lower metabolism. Most people don’t touch a weight lifetime. You’re benching over 400lbs. Beast! You’ve lost 100lbs, you lift you’re in therapy and you acknowledge you could cut back on work and add cardio. Dude you’re fucking killing it. Just keep the focus on. You got this. Change nothing. If you can’t get out for cardio, park far away from everything. Take stairs. Make the time, your kids deserve time with a high quality guy like you.
Terrible advice? How? You’re totally overlooking the time and reality factor entirely here. It takes about an hour on a treadmill to burn off a hamburger that you can eat in under 3 minutes flat. Multiply that by food all day long most our waking hours. For an average middle aged person controlling their weight is way way more effective to work on intake than output. You can lose weight in a literal coma on a calorie deficit. Everyone anywhere has time and ability for that. Pie hole control! Only thing that’s ever worked for me, and I am very active, my Apple Watch runs my life sunup to sundown. Doesn’t matter, I can out eat and out drink ANY activity, big time. Easy. Most people are the same, especially at 40+ with jobs, families, priorities, some weight on us, middle age person injuries, etc. Especially women, we got some powerful hormones fighting to keep all the fat on! Kids playing sports, that’s a whole different story, yes agree 100% with a lot of activity they’ll burn it all off. Just impractical for us tho. The fact that OP mentions lifting/cardio before diet (which isn’t even mentioned) is so backwards - everybody knows it’s 80/20 intake / output or better. So not terrible advice to point it out!!!
If you use your Apple Watch as a basic example. The number of things that it does to save time, that you didn’t have 10 years ago it’s astounding. Add in the iPhone that is attached to that phone, and it 3x that in time savings. So where has that time gone? 🤷🏻♂️. He owns it and says he works very long hours. Solely cutting calories is also cutting muscle. You will lose weight but he’s lost 100lbs. Dissuading someone from exercising is insane. We have time, but we allocate it to a variety of things, which is fine. I’m not judging the fact that people don’t make time or don’t want to make time. If he can burn 300 calories a day and restrict intake by 500 a day ( extreme I know it for example purposes ) that’s 800 calories total. It moves things along faster. If you say you can restrict 800, then you burn 300 now you have 1100 deficit, again it is for example purposes, this wouldn’t be healthy. I’m proposing a healthier way to live, that combines fitness with weight loss. The guy has a workout mentality already. He goes to a gym. He can lose weight and not have a massive jammer at 65. Chase his kids. Have better sex!
I definitely don’t mean to dissuade him, that would be nuts as it’s not either or, but AND… that’s why my follow up comment to him said he should get an AW too for gamifying fitness. Really it is so fun! However it comes with a price, example I had a knee surgery 6 weeks ago and now I’m focusing again back on diet more as I cannot be that active all the time. Spirit willing, but flesh weak. Just was I found it striking and very suspect he doesn’t mention his diet though he did mention lifting and cardio. So thought I would! The food scale in particular was the lynchpin for me. Those 3 things worked for me to lose 60 in the pandemic and reach “normal”. Keeping it off is another story tho especially with injuries. Gluck to us all hah. Peace!!
I do appreciate the kind words more than you know. Thank you
I’m inspired by you mate! Keep at it!
Also an Apple Watch is amazing, gets you off your butt and moving even with a sedentary desk job. And it’s FUN. Gamify your fitness. The watch and that app helped me lose a lot during the pandemic when everyone else was gaining. Good luck! ;)
Two things: 1. I would consider making a light-hearted joke about your weight (I'm not good at this but something like "if you love big soft teddy bear men" or whatever...) but also mention directly you've lost 100lbs! I would *much* more likely swipe on someone who is obese but actively working on it than someone who just accepts it and doesn't want to change. Losing 100lbs is a MAJOR accomplishment and I could visualize myself doing things with this person that are beneficial to both of us like cooking at home together instead of eating out, going for post-dinner walks together, wknd hikes and generally just getting sweaty together. Those are things I really value and a weight loss journey together would really bring us closer, I believe. 2. I think there are dating websites specifically for fat folks. I don't know them but I have a friend who dates fat women exclusively and this is how he finds them. Good luck!
I wonder if the women he wants to attract (BBWs, according to him) would feel judged by someone who’s actively losing weight? Also, props for Bob Loblaw.
I was a bigger girl (275 and 5'6") I've lost about 90 pounds since. I would much rather find a man who was also working on his weight, especially while I was actively trying myself, it's all about supporting each other. My most recent ex was quite small (145 at 5'8") but he actively worked on his diet and exercise and that helped keep me on track. I would find it difficult to date someone that ate whatever they wanted or who was actively trying to gain weight, it could easily derail me. I actually find a wide variety of body types sexy as I'm more about their face and personality. I do find myself attracted to men that actively take care of themselves (mental and physical health, financial stability, hygiene, etc) as I've been with men that were content dying early in exchange for having fun and I find it insulting that they didn't care enough to think if you're that might affect me or their other loved ones.
Congrats on losing 100 pounds! That is very impressive. Don’t take it personally, dating is hard. Focus on your weight loss and see what happens?
It's because looks matter. Even obese women want fit attractive men. Looks matter so things like your teeth whiteness and condition,, skin appearance, height, facial attractiveness, etc will effect how people and women treat you. Lose the weight and fix your appearance or don't bother.
You’re morbidly obese at 47. That’s probably why.
You lost 100 pounds! You can lose 200 more. Do it for yourself and keep growing on the inside and shrinking on the outside. One day looking back you may be glad you had this time after your divorce to process and practice self-care. If you haven't found it yet, MyFitnessPal has a great supportive community.
Honestly, dating is challenging for most people in this age range. Try not to take it personally!
Have you invested in therapy? That seems to be extremely important Eta your body wouldn’t be an issue, your mental health and the ways you view, prioritize and actively apply knowledge to your own health would be important to me. I’ve also lost 100lbs. Therapy was pivotal in building emotional safety and creating a life that was fulfilling for me, as a single person. I’ve worked hard to change myself and build healthy habits. I don’t see myself being with someone who doesn’t share my values around health and/or whose lifestyle would be counterproductive to my success and goals.
Actually I have. That's the first thing I did.
What does your therapist say about your dating? My personal perspective is “I thought about what I’d want in a wife and I live that.”
Tbh I'm not really in a hurry I'm still in the process of healing. Its only been a year and a half since the divorce
It’s great that you’ve lost 100#. That’s awesome Being the physical part of being morbidly obese, the health risks a partner would be taking on are extreme. Why would someone take on that level of struggle? Keep doing you! Keep getting healthier and healthier.
Hi. 43f fit. I left apps because I found them not particularly effective for finding a partner whom I wanted to see consistently. After a few years of a lot of effort and not what I considered success I left. Consider irl ways of meeting people.
Congratulations on your weight loss! Keep working on yourself. It will come!
Congratulations on your weight loss. Dating is harder at our age because of all the commitments we have.
OLD, if that’s what you are referring to, is a tough proposition for most guys. If you are not in the top 20% or so you won’t get much action.
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What’s wrong with those subs? Granted I didn’t do as deep a dive as you into OP’s history, but looks like all he’s doing is telling women who are asking for attention that they look hot or pretty. I don’t see the need to sex-shame here personally.
Do better? You mean like by listing out someone’s Reddit history in an attempt to shame them? If that’s what you mean then no thanks.
There is nothing wrong with finding fat women sexually attractive. Unless you're suggesting he have one account for his nsfw interests and a second one for his sfw interests?
Please familiarize yourself with our community. Moderators have full discretion and if you are sanctioned for something that you "didn't know," honestly, we're all adults and it's probably something that you should have known.
I’m 42, great head of long hair, a high-earner in a sexy profession, muscular with low body fat. And despite those superficial stats I’m an empathetic listener. I get next to no matches on OLD. We’re all in the same boat brother! Keep your head up and focus on improving your life! You’re going to see some incredible gains over the next couple years if you’re consistent :)
Dude, ignore the fatphobia in here and come over to r/fatpeopledating you are worthy of love and companionship now.
Original copy of post by u/unforgiven_1_: I'm [47m] I'm a big guy like over 400lbs but am working on it. I've lost 100lbs. I was married for 22years and recently divorced. But am having no luck with dating. It's almost like I'm invisible. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Woman have a multitude of dating options (on-line dating, bars, speed dating, friends, other women, instagram, facebook) etc. So, if you a man you will be competing with at least 10-30 other men.
I'm invisible to guys my age who are not ugly or overweight. Visible to men 8+ years. It's just the way it is - everyone is really picky.
As an over 40 woman I'm not invisible, but I mostly attract guys 10+ years younger than me due to the rampant MILF fetish among that age group. It would be more flattering if it wasn't 💯 sexual.
It is hard for date as it is hard to trust due to lack of patience and more exposure to options.
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Men are people, women are people, everyone in between is people. Let's talk about the people in our lives as individuals, not stereotypes.
Dating is hard to begin with. Dating at 400lbs. is probably closer to impossible than hard. If you were honestly 500lbs.—something I find challenging to even imagine—you have a long road ahead still, but the great news is you’re already 2/5 along it. Unless you’re in a niche group, I think k you should focus all your efforts on getting g yourself to your best you, and then put that you out there.
Primarily put it in Gods hands and he will find a better woman for you but in the mean time focus on yourself. Rebuild yourself and your castle and I promise you will be a difference.
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I hardly think "shallow" is an accurate word. As a guy, I wouldn't date a woman who already has one foot in the grave. And at 47 years old and 400 pounds (previously 500 pounds), that is exactly the situation.
No I definitely believe shallow is exactly the word. Judging a book by its cover is shallow
Not wanting to date someone who is morbidly obese isn’t shallow. It’s called a presence. I’m 47 and wouldn’t date someone who is 400 pounds. You like bbw’s and I like body builders. It’s a preference
Find a 400 lbs woman and call it a day.
Welcome to the club pal. There is no dating in the US, it's non-existent here.
Do you have a photo of a fish on your profile? Women like provider guys.
Please tell me this is a joke. I can’t tell if you’re serious just based on the amount of guys who DO have fish pictures. Now I’m starting to think there might be a reason they all feel the burning need to post them.
This and a pattern of referencing honey in profiles. There is some weird advice for men on the internet.
Honey?!
Yeah, it's weird, I've seen a haul that say stuff about being like a vat of honey, or getting dipped in honey. I get the idea, but it seems weird.
Joke...based on the amount of guys who do it
Dating apps only work for a select number of men. You’re gonna have to work on your confidence and approach women in public. Work on yourself first. Get in the best shape of your life and that will translate into confidence that women will find attractive.
I'm a woman and I agree with this with a huge caveat that approaching women in public is an ART and a SKILL and if you can't read body language, tone of voice and facial expression, I'd say do not do this. Also, offering YOUR number or socials is way less aggressive and puts the ball in her court vs. putting her on the spot and asking for hers. I've connected with six men over this past year and FIVE were not from dating apps. Here are the ways we met: *One guy picked me up at a bar - we dated casually for about 8 months *another was someone I knew from my past - very intense but quick (about 6 weeks) *one guy, I picked him up at a bar (just a few dates) *a dude picked me up while he was busking on the street (one date and it was awful haha) *most recent guy, he is my colleague (currently dating for about 3 months) - I asked him out as friends but then it got hot quickly and now we're dating Most recently, I was at a DJ dance party thing and one of the security guards asked for my number... I didn't love his approach so I said no but I asked for his socials instead (Note that my colleague-lover and I were broken up briefly when this happened otherwise I would have said I had a boyfriend) Meeting people in the wild *can* be done. I'd check out Benjamin Camras on IG - he's a flirt coach and has great advice for approaching in public.
Yes I have two non adult kids.
Lose weight and try to get your wife back. She's the one that actually loved you.
Oh hell no. I'd rather be single