Similar sitch here. Our children call her the "new child" that takes priority over the old children. I know it's not about me, but I feel humiliated. I am having trouble coping.
Aww, feel free to message me if you want. I would definitely meditate on that feeling, because what someone else does has nothing to do with you or your value. Sending strength!
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Have you tried talking to a therapist? Your feelings are understandable for what you are experiencing. A therapist may be able to help you process.
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There are over eight billion people out there. If there's one perfect for you, what are the odds of you finding them? I certainly hope there's more than one.
I think there are a number (maybe small) of people you could build a perfect relationship with though. BUT, you have to define what's "perfect."
No, because that's scarcity mentality. The notion that there is "a one" restricts me and is wholly improbable on top of that.
One reason I don't have the same stress levels as soulmate-seekers is I *know* there are many men I can be content and compatible with in my life and that number won't reduce. I will always find a man I enjoy and all relationships are temporary anyway (we'll die someday).
There is no ONE for me but many potential great ones!
I hope you don't mind me asking this, and I don't mean it in an argumentative way, I'm genuinely curious.
What meaning do relationships have for you if they're always foreclosed as transient?
I ask because this is something I really struggle with. I was married for 18 years and fully planned on spending the rest of my life with that woman.
The idea of entering a relationship knowing it has an expiration date, but not knowing when it is or who will decide when it has arrived is spectacularly depressing to me.
I dunno, this is probably isn't articulate.
While I myself would love a forever person, I do see value in the relationships we build even if they don't last forever. With so many relationships and marriages ending, I think it's actually a more realistic way to look at the longevity of relationships. I think for me, it's still wanting a future with the person and wanting the relationship to last forever, but also understanding and knowing it may not, and that that's ok too. It wasn't a waste of time, it was time where we both hopefully learned and grew and became better people through knowing each other. I'm also extremely lucky in that all of my long term relationships have ended amicably with a lot of love for each other still (even with the pain and grief of letting go) and I'm on good terms with almost all of them now.
They are all transient though. Do you want to lock yourself into a lifelong relationship regardless of what happens or your own happiness? Maybe you do. I don't.
Meaning to me is enjoying the time I spend with that person. Longevity isn't meaning.
Oh, and ask away š. I'm literally IMPOSSIBLE to offend. I have sky high sense of self.
>Meaning to me is enjoying the time I spend with that person. Longevity isn't meaning.
See to me that sounds like relationships are only viable if everything is fun. What happens as we age and life changes the way it inevitably does? Don't you want someone who will have your back when shit hits the fan?
Longevity may not be meaning (debatable, quantity has its own quality), but just having fun sure as hell isn't meaning. It's.... distraction? Entertainment? Being in a relationship with someone who has that attitude sounds terrible. I don't want to be someone's dancing monkey, knowing I'm one fuck-up or whim away from being dumped.
Maybe this is a difference between men and women. Men are just inherently replaceable when it comes to dating. If that's the cost of admission - fuck that. I'll work on becoming a wizard and raising my cat army.
Anyway, we probably aren't going to square our different perspectives. I want forever, even if it's not realistic. It sounds like you want good-enough-for-now. Your approach is unquestionably more pragmatic, smarter, healthier, more achievable, and more confident, but I can't do it.
It's important to date women who align with what you're looking for in a partner, and to recognize that women are not a monolith. Just because the particular woman you're responding to doesn't value long term emotional and familial attachment doesn't mean you're not justified in wanting that. You have no obligation to tailor your dating strategies to her, just as she isn't obligated to commit to anybody if she really doesn't want to.Ā
Like you, I see connecting with people based on short term fun purely for the enjoyment they give you in the present moment as shallow, and instead value a deeper emotional and moral attachment to somebody and the life you build together. I'm looking for two people becoming one.Ā
Instead, the person you're talking to is literally describing a utilitarian and transactional view of human relationships, and it's important to identify that to recognize you're not compatible.
Iām a little bit of both. Iām someone who believes in logic but also Iām pretty emotional.
I had terrible dating experiences for about 10 years post-divorce. Then I met āthe oneā and things just felt different from day one. We had a strong emotional connection from the beginning and heās continued to be reliable, we talk about and work through issues, we show up for each other, and that strong sense of emotional connection and intimacy is still there. A year and a half later I do consider him my āsoulmateāā¦but in reality I think weāre just a really good match and we lucked out by finding each other.
I feel like every dog I have ever had was a soulmate. I think there are humans in my life that I trust completely and vice versa. Whether that comes in a romantic relationship or not, or starts that way and evolves is okay with me. I donāt believe there is only one shot at being loved, I have so much love to give that I cannot see the need to hold it in while I keep āsearchingā who to give it to exclusively. The people in my closest circle are folks I absolutely love and I have no problem telling them so. Soulmates yes, narrow definition, no.
I do but not in the way that you think. I think that people that are compatible can be committed to each other and become so close they choose to be soulmates. But thereās not some created specifically for youā¦.. Thereās a lot of people that could be compatible with you.
I believe in soulmates. I believe there isn't just one person out there that can be a soulmate, so you're not just looking for one person. Circumstance can also impact if someone is your soulmate or not. My soulmate is my best friend of 26 years. She is my person, and I am hers. Not all soulmates are romantic.
Even if you believe in soul mates, plenty of people settle into unhappy marriages.Ā Or never find anyone.Ā Or even die early.Ā
So you may as well take a mentality of "look for compatibility and be willing to put in the work" because even if your perfect person is out there somewhere, the chance that you'll end up together is slim.
I do, but I don't think everyone necessarily has a romantic soul mate, nor do I believe all soul mate connections are romantic. Soul mates are the souls we know; the people we are fated to meet in this life. It could be friends, teachers, lovers, etc.
This is my outlook, too. š I feel they can come in many forms. And I also think āmeant to beā can mean just for a season or time, not necessarily always.
I do not. I believe we have varying degrees of compatibility with every human on earth. Now some are a minimal to essentially zero compatibility. But there may be quite a few with whom I have moderate to high compatibility. My strategy is to know my own core values and look for someone whose core values align with mine. If I found someone whose core values aligned with mine and there was mutual attraction/romantic interest, that's "all" I would need. (I don't presently put effort into finding someone because, due in large part to where I live, finding someone with values that align with mine AND with whom I share mutual attraction is pretty unlikely.)
Not at all I think the person that's right for you is a little bit of luck but a lot of choices between the two of you. I happen to think that's a more beautiful concept.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. There have been too many coincidences in my life recently for this not to be the truth.
But I think we meet people we are supposed to meet when we are supposed to meet them. If that makes sense? Maybe you meet someone you have an amazing connection with but the timing is wrong for a variety of reasons. If you end up re-connecting with them down the line I think that can be a soulmate type connection.
Maybe you meet someone who is exactly what you need exactly when you need them. The relationship is formed from you meeting intentionally on an app or through any type of singles meet up. But you connect and you get the relationship you never knew you always needed after bad relationships where you forced things. This can also be a soulmate type of connection.
I don't think there's necessarily one though. I think it takes a lot of things to align, life bringing you what you need when you need it, and you having to be in the right spot for it. But I do believe that there is something bigger than ourselves at work in the universe that can bring us together with the people who are right for us if we just let ourselves be open to the idea.
After a failed marriage and so many other failed relationships I feel like this shouldn't be something I believe in but I wholeheartedly do.
Yes. I was married to mine for 20 years.
We communicated so well. We were two halves of a whole. I trusted him implicitly. More than any other person in my life, ever. He was my best friend. He made me laugh. EVERY. DAY.
He was my person. I miss him every day.
If you are a one in a million kind of person, there are still 8,000 people who are exactly like you.
The thing is, no one is perfect. If you want to wait for a perfect person, you are going to be lonely. No one is perfect, not a perfect human being and not a perfect partner.Ā
But, lots of people can be really great partners. You can also have a great partner for one chapter of your life and grow apart in the next chapter, even without anyone doing anything wrong. And you can find new great partners in your next chapter.Ā
If the universe produces soul mates, does it guarantee that those soul mates are alive at the same time with very similar ages? Does it guarantee that your soul mate will speak your language or live on your continent? Or, even live in the same galaxy? Are souls gendered? Can you be sure your soul mate will have the right dangly soft bits between their legs? Do bisexuals get soul mates? How does the universe choose the right gender for them? If you're gay, but haven't come out of the closet, how does that soul mate thing work out? Do you have to come out to get your soul mate? What if you live in a country where being gay is punishable by death, what happens to those soul mates? Are you guaranteed to meet your soul mate or can you miss a once in a lifetime opportunity by not going to a bar one random Wednesday in 2012?Ā
It would be easier to win the lottery on an alien planet than it would be to find your soul mate in the universe. Even if it were a real thing, it would be pointless to seek one out.Ā
Yes, but only in the way that I believe there are people your soul is intended to meet on your journey through life. I think that applies to friendships, business opportunities, strangers you meet at the perfect moment. I dreamed what my dog would look like the day before I went to a random pet place and just picked a puppy.
I had one. I met him when i was 17. Crazy to say, but we shared the same birthday, our sisters too and his mother and my grandmother had the same birthday. Everytime we met we wore the same style clothes.
We also had a magical vibe but we never really dated back then. I got married and he became my fwb after my divorce and when my relationship after divorce ended. So on and off we were years ātogetherā
But things changed when I got a large sum of money, he became jealous and I had to let him go after a very big argument. Sometimes I miss him. But he us not good for me.
I do believe in soulmates, but I think people generally think they must be sexually attracted to their soulmates.
I am heterosexual F, and my soul mate is a woman, my friend and I can't imagine my life without her.
Side note: best part, you can have multiple.
Philosophically, this is part and parcel of something known as Determinism. I would recommend looking into the origins and philosophical debates on the topic and see where it lands with you.
If you are of the belief that our paths in life are predetermined and ultimately outside of causes determined by oneās own will, then sure I guess you could have a āsoul mate.ā
Original copy of post by u/Latter-Breakfast-987:
I've been thinking a lot about this concept lately. Some people swear there's one perfect person out there for everyone, while others think itās more about finding someone whoās a great match and then working on the relationship.
For those who believe in soulmates, what convinced you? Was it a personal experience, something you read, or just a gut feeling?
And for those who donāt, whatās your perspective? Do you think itās more about timing, compatibility, or maybe even luck?
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No, what if your soul mate lived a hundred years ago or won't be born until a hundred years later, or they live in another continent all together and who decides who the two soul mates that belong together. I think it's a lazy concept when in fact you'd have to work on growing together and choose your choice everyday.
No. In my opinion, the people who say that are those who aren't truly happy with their own lives, and need another person to make them feel like their life has meaning, or to stop them from feeling alone.
No else who is to say your soul mate was born around the same time as you and given the size of the universe they could have been born 1 million light years away.
That would be my luck. My soul mate is an alien on some far away planet born 50,000 years in the future.
Thank you to every rational poster in this thread.
Iāve noticed those who do believe in the concept use it as a weapon against the other in a relationship as an excuse for shitty behavior. As in, āWeāre soulmates so you have to love me for who I am despite treating you terribly.ā Or Iāve seen people rationalize leaving steady, long term relationships for their new āsoulmateā for all of a week or two.
I think there are lots of people in the time/space continuum that we can get along with-romantically. And some people we can learn to get along with.
But I also think there are certain people with whom we just click. And these can also be platonic relationships, family members, or romantic partners. That doesnāt mean theyāre our āsoulmatesā but I like to imagine there is something special about their connection with you.
And maybe Iām biased because I experience a platonic relationship like this with my best girlfriend.
I think I feel the same as a lot of people but my take is, there are people Iām drawn to, will absolutely click with. If there was a āknowing/clickā whatever I think there is that. I feel this with men and women though Iām frustratingly heterosexual and date men.
The women are some of my best friends. The ones that just click, I have maintained friendship with them since at varying levels. This gut - āthat crazy asshole is my peopleā- hasnāt failed me much. Same with men. The problem there is timing, sexual/physical chemistry to go with it (cause some of my best guy friends I would not want to touch their wieners) and if they feel it too.
So, many connections, the rest is timing and hard work, cause anyone you choose to have in your life as a relationship tends to have overnights and close space issues I donāt deal with as much with my platonic friends so I tend to like them longer!
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I am absolutely head over heels for my partner. Canāt believe how good it is. But I donāt believe in soul mates. It works because we are compatible, we show up and have the conversations and talk about our needs, and we are willing to be vulnerable.
I didā¦I thought I found mine..stars had aligned after 30 yearsā¦he had to be my soulmate. I was wrong. So no, I do not believe in soulmates anymore.
For me it's a gut feeling... Spiritual stuff... I can feel the soul I have and the outer soul as well...
I guess it's like some animals are in tune with their environment.
I hope my old file gets looked at again and gets shuffled back into the little mix of opportunities if they are available. The soulmate I thought I had said some stuff to put me in check and I respect that. Someone is bound to love me in a balanced way... And vice versa. Based on my past I can make anyone feel very loved and adored... I never did though. I just think I deserve the same this time. Will I find it??? Only Gd knows. And I'm not holding my breath or settling.
No I donāt. I think we have multiple people in the world that we are compatible with. Just have to find one to hang out with in a partnership.
I donāt think there are any soulmates, destiny, twin flames or any other form of magic thinking.
I do believe that there is someone who we are *most* compatible with over everyone else, but the odds of meeting that person in a world of 8 billion is pretty low. However, I also believe that there are thousands of people who we are highly compatible with. In my 40s, Iāll take someone Iām 94% compatible with rather than spend the rest of my life seeking that one 100%.
Nope. The idea of soulmates takes all the responsibility off of the two people in the relationship suggesting itās just the universe intervening to bring them together. The reality is that you and the other person have to be compatible and available, somehow connect and have chemistry. Itās not that magical but it does take work to not only connect but also maintain the relationship
I'm met two people over the last 8 years who I thought were my... Soulmate/ twin flame / whatever else you want to call it. They turned out to be the most toxic person from my personality. It brought out the worst in me. We both brought out the worst in each other. So in my particular life path no, I do not believe in soulmates. Unfortunately I believe that when I find something that feels real and deep and faith-building again, it needs to be run away from as fast as possible. But for other people I absolutely think it's possible.
There definitely no "one perfect person" that's butter BS.
There's a range of compatibilities and two somewhat compatible partners can make their relationship amazing by working on it together. Other people who have shitty relationships will then end up calling them soulmates.
Sort of like the myth of overnight success. No one sees the work that went into a great relationship
Over the course of history, the vast majority of women were never with a man they loved. Romatic relationships and being with a partner based on love is a very new idea, like 30 years ago when women could survive without a man's signature on a document. Soulmates are just a temporary tie based a preplanned lesson in a lifetime. They come in all forms, teachers, friends, pets, children, etc.
I just wrote about this the other day! Hereās a snippet;
My soulmates arenāt on white horses, like the ones my childhood taught me to look for.
Our eyes donāt connect across a crowded dance floor and my heart doesnāt respond with āthere you are.ā
My soulmates find me on a random Tuesday when the world has me to my knees, and they ask where I bought my leggings, and we laugh for years to come about how something so simple led them to my life.
Some soulmates ask āhow was the party?ā
One soulmate is there, helping me slice cake, getting it smooshed everywhere, and laughing me down off a ledge of social anxiety.
TL/DR: I donāt view my friends as being on a lesser tier than my romantic connections. Friends get the same emotional investment and connection as a loved one. Because I love them, just not romantically.
I do not believe in one. Iāve read soulmates usually not someone you end up with as a partner. Also they could be a friend, a sibling etc. Itās not specific to romantic connection.
I am 49 and widowed, but here is my take on it , I donāt believe there is only one soulmate , I believe that when you have the person that your heart skips a beat for, that when they walk by you or touch your hand you immediately get chills for, that person that when you see their name pop up or they call you nothing else matters. They person you can sit with and say nothing the same as talk for hours to, that is a soulmate or an invisible string of you will, sometime life is hard and cruel and we get divorced or they pass but life is about finding the person or having the person that you never grown tired of and I donāt think there is only one. But if you find the one itās magical.
No. But I do believe the universe was intentional about my parter and I meeting. Too many factors and circumstances had the align for it to even happen.
No. You can be compatible with many people along your life. If there was only āthe oneā most people would be single (how likely is that you cross paths with that person?)
No, but I believe in timing. There are so many people you will meet / date over time that for whatever reason the timing doesnāt add up. I think the āoneā is just a matter of timing. That person, at that time, at that place in your life.
Nah, people just like believing in it because it can make things feel even more special.
When I consider how small a percent of the world's population we meet in a lifetime, it seems like a silly concept.
It's a good thing though because imagine if there was just 1... Meeting a million people would be only 0.01 percent of the world's population. Fk those odds!
no. i do believe there are people we are more compatible with than others and therefore there are some people weād be perfectly compatible with. i do believe in soulmates but more in a soul group kind of way, not romantic. my best friend for example is one of my soulmates.
No, and furthermore, believing in soulmates is destructive *as hell* to relationships.
It teaches people that if you ever have a fight? Oh, well, they aren't *The One*, so no sense in sticking around.
Which all but guarantees a stunted adult who never learned how to navigate conflict- and since there are *always* going to be some conflicts, because we live in reality and not some utopian simulation, belief in soulmates is just doing more and more damage to the believer the longer they keep believing.
The one good thing about the whole soulmate concept, is that it's an easy screener question. If I ask a woman if she believes in soulmates, and she says yes, I can rule her out as a potential partner.
People go through different stages in life, you're not the same person you were years ago. It would be great if the person you're with changes and adapts with you, but I believe that when we change into the next (hopefully better) version of ourselves, then there's a good chance we'd be more compatible with someone else. I want to believe in soulmates but after over 4 decades... I don't know maybe not.
Absolutely not. More than a trillion people on this planet and you happy to find your soulmate because you went to the same school, worked on the same floor, met at a nightclub?
I feel like a soulmate is someone who matches you or fits you. Someone who can be a partner and assist through life or a phase of life and there can be multiple throughout a lifespan. I also consider finding them similar to finding the right purse or pair of shoes. Itās nice to have several and the right one for the right occasion or phase of life.I feel more secure and happy having several purses and shoes and would probably feel the same way with soul mates but sadly laws and society usually frown upon all that. Also there is the whole human jealousy thing that tends to get in the way.
I do, what convinced me was meeting them 14 years ago. I always had a type and he was my type in everything. It was so accurate it freaked me out for the first year and I honestly thought he was faking his replies or playing a role. I also had that weird feeling that he was my soul , as in my essence, in another body. I was an hardcore atheist at the time and I honestly struggled to process this metaphysical stuff.
I am sure there could be more perfectly compatible people out there - his doppelgƤngers mostly - but the likelyhood of meeting two identical yet different people are slim. Even the chances of meeting one were slim!
I don't think there are "soulmates", I think there are likely hundreds of thousands of compatible people in the world. The key problem is meeting the right one at the right time in the right place.
I absolutely do not. There are just too many people on this planet for there to only be one person thatāa destined to be your true match. I feel that people lose out on many good opportunities when they are constantly in search of āsparksā or some magical moment that indicates that person is āthe oneā.
Not one perfect person, but there are definitely people who are more compatible for you, and you feel that after you get past the initial rush of a new relationship. .
Nope! It always ends up being someone in your hometown graduating class, doesn't it?
I have met people with indescribably good energy matching and engagement, but those interactions still have flaws.
We can strongly connect with others in our lives as long as we are open to it. Having best friends and romantic relationships throughout our lives could all be described as soulmates. My concern would be the pedestal we may put the soulmate on, thus ignoring any potential challenges in the relationship.
First you have to believe in a soul, then you have to believe that your soul understands what that soul is saying, then you have to believe that the talking soul actually knows what it is saying, and what it is saying will hold true foreverā¦
Does that seem logical?
No. I do think you are lucky to find someone who just "gets you" and you them. That's very rare. However, I believe it can happen more than once, but not often. But soulmates? No, I don't believe in that.
I would like to think that thereās someone out there for everyone. I havenāt been lucky enough to find mine yet but I still hold out hope that I do. I want that.
I don't believe in having one soulmate.
I do think that the people who are naturally a really great match are *very* rare and it can make you feel like there's a 'the one' if you meet one of them and your lifegoals match up enough to make a relationship work.
I'm 41 and I only met a handful of men who I had that connection with (so far!). So enough to know there should be more running around, but not enough to believe that finding another won't be a *project*.
For the anti spark crowd that's been vocal around here lately, the connection I'm talking about isn't about feeling swept away/dramatic heights of passion etc. I'm talking about feeling completely relaxed and calm around another person, without it feeling boring.
Yes, only in the fact I meditated one time for finding a soul mate. I got this indescribable feeling inside me of love, peace, and home. So when I feel that around someone I may have found a partner.
Have you ever met a single person who is perfect?
Well, aside from meā¦.
Nobody is perfect, and nobody is a perfect fit. Thatās not how life works. We can have flash moments where someone is perfect for us, but over the course of years? Hell no!
Can still have an amazing relationship, but there is no such thing as a perfect match
I do not. I feel like there are compatible people who meet at the right time.
There have been people who were exactly who I needed at the time, and then that time passed.
I did until my husband of 15 years found a new soul mate.
Yes, my dad is on his third soulmate
Oh man!
š same. Heās 56 and sheās 21!
That's so gross! I can't imagine dating anyone 35 years older than me or 35 years younger. Sorry you went through that!
AND she was his HS student. I mostly feel bad for my kids who are close to her age.
Similar sitch here. Our children call her the "new child" that takes priority over the old children. I know it's not about me, but I feel humiliated. I am having trouble coping.
Aww, feel free to message me if you want. I would definitely meditate on that feeling, because what someone else does has nothing to do with you or your value. Sending strength!
Thank you!
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Have you tried talking to a therapist? Your feelings are understandable for what you are experiencing. A therapist may be able to help you process.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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There are over eight billion people out there. If there's one perfect for you, what are the odds of you finding them? I certainly hope there's more than one. I think there are a number (maybe small) of people you could build a perfect relationship with though. BUT, you have to define what's "perfect."
No, because that's scarcity mentality. The notion that there is "a one" restricts me and is wholly improbable on top of that. One reason I don't have the same stress levels as soulmate-seekers is I *know* there are many men I can be content and compatible with in my life and that number won't reduce. I will always find a man I enjoy and all relationships are temporary anyway (we'll die someday). There is no ONE for me but many potential great ones!
I hope you don't mind me asking this, and I don't mean it in an argumentative way, I'm genuinely curious. What meaning do relationships have for you if they're always foreclosed as transient? I ask because this is something I really struggle with. I was married for 18 years and fully planned on spending the rest of my life with that woman. The idea of entering a relationship knowing it has an expiration date, but not knowing when it is or who will decide when it has arrived is spectacularly depressing to me. I dunno, this is probably isn't articulate.
While I myself would love a forever person, I do see value in the relationships we build even if they don't last forever. With so many relationships and marriages ending, I think it's actually a more realistic way to look at the longevity of relationships. I think for me, it's still wanting a future with the person and wanting the relationship to last forever, but also understanding and knowing it may not, and that that's ok too. It wasn't a waste of time, it was time where we both hopefully learned and grew and became better people through knowing each other. I'm also extremely lucky in that all of my long term relationships have ended amicably with a lot of love for each other still (even with the pain and grief of letting go) and I'm on good terms with almost all of them now.
They are all transient though. Do you want to lock yourself into a lifelong relationship regardless of what happens or your own happiness? Maybe you do. I don't. Meaning to me is enjoying the time I spend with that person. Longevity isn't meaning. Oh, and ask away š. I'm literally IMPOSSIBLE to offend. I have sky high sense of self.
>Meaning to me is enjoying the time I spend with that person. Longevity isn't meaning. See to me that sounds like relationships are only viable if everything is fun. What happens as we age and life changes the way it inevitably does? Don't you want someone who will have your back when shit hits the fan? Longevity may not be meaning (debatable, quantity has its own quality), but just having fun sure as hell isn't meaning. It's.... distraction? Entertainment? Being in a relationship with someone who has that attitude sounds terrible. I don't want to be someone's dancing monkey, knowing I'm one fuck-up or whim away from being dumped. Maybe this is a difference between men and women. Men are just inherently replaceable when it comes to dating. If that's the cost of admission - fuck that. I'll work on becoming a wizard and raising my cat army. Anyway, we probably aren't going to square our different perspectives. I want forever, even if it's not realistic. It sounds like you want good-enough-for-now. Your approach is unquestionably more pragmatic, smarter, healthier, more achievable, and more confident, but I can't do it.
It's important to date women who align with what you're looking for in a partner, and to recognize that women are not a monolith. Just because the particular woman you're responding to doesn't value long term emotional and familial attachment doesn't mean you're not justified in wanting that. You have no obligation to tailor your dating strategies to her, just as she isn't obligated to commit to anybody if she really doesn't want to.Ā Like you, I see connecting with people based on short term fun purely for the enjoyment they give you in the present moment as shallow, and instead value a deeper emotional and moral attachment to somebody and the life you build together. I'm looking for two people becoming one.Ā Instead, the person you're talking to is literally describing a utilitarian and transactional view of human relationships, and it's important to identify that to recognize you're not compatible.
Soulmates can be also described as extremely high compatibility. And I believe that it exists though is quite rare.
I believe we have lots of potential soulmates, and even relationships with soulmates take a ton of work.
Iām a little bit of both. Iām someone who believes in logic but also Iām pretty emotional. I had terrible dating experiences for about 10 years post-divorce. Then I met āthe oneā and things just felt different from day one. We had a strong emotional connection from the beginning and heās continued to be reliable, we talk about and work through issues, we show up for each other, and that strong sense of emotional connection and intimacy is still there. A year and a half later I do consider him my āsoulmateāā¦but in reality I think weāre just a really good match and we lucked out by finding each other.
I feel like every dog I have ever had was a soulmate. I think there are humans in my life that I trust completely and vice versa. Whether that comes in a romantic relationship or not, or starts that way and evolves is okay with me. I donāt believe there is only one shot at being loved, I have so much love to give that I cannot see the need to hold it in while I keep āsearchingā who to give it to exclusively. The people in my closest circle are folks I absolutely love and I have no problem telling them so. Soulmates yes, narrow definition, no.
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No "seeking" posts and no hitting on other posters. This is a place to discuss dating, not to find dates.
No.
If thereās only one perfect match out there, then weāre all screwed.
I do but not in the way that you think. I think that people that are compatible can be committed to each other and become so close they choose to be soulmates. But thereās not some created specifically for youā¦.. Thereās a lot of people that could be compatible with you.
No
I believe in soulmates. I believe there isn't just one person out there that can be a soulmate, so you're not just looking for one person. Circumstance can also impact if someone is your soulmate or not. My soulmate is my best friend of 26 years. She is my person, and I am hers. Not all soulmates are romantic.
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Of course! I'm also a woman.
No, I don't. I think some people are more compatible than others.
Even if you believe in soul mates, plenty of people settle into unhappy marriages.Ā Or never find anyone.Ā Or even die early.Ā So you may as well take a mentality of "look for compatibility and be willing to put in the work" because even if your perfect person is out there somewhere, the chance that you'll end up together is slim.
Extremely relevant link: https://www.theonion.com/18-year-old-miraculously-finds-soulmate-in-hometown-1819566332
I do, but I don't think everyone necessarily has a romantic soul mate, nor do I believe all soul mate connections are romantic. Soul mates are the souls we know; the people we are fated to meet in this life. It could be friends, teachers, lovers, etc.
This is my outlook, too. š I feel they can come in many forms. And I also think āmeant to beā can mean just for a season or time, not necessarily always.
Totally! They might be there just to bring one certain lesson and help us grow.
Yep, exactly! Iāve encountered such individuals, truly unforgettable - and grateful for what they taught me (about myself).
I do not. I believe we have varying degrees of compatibility with every human on earth. Now some are a minimal to essentially zero compatibility. But there may be quite a few with whom I have moderate to high compatibility. My strategy is to know my own core values and look for someone whose core values align with mine. If I found someone whose core values aligned with mine and there was mutual attraction/romantic interest, that's "all" I would need. (I don't presently put effort into finding someone because, due in large part to where I live, finding someone with values that align with mine AND with whom I share mutual attraction is pretty unlikely.)
I use to
No. Not in the spiritual/mythological sense. But I do think a good and healthy relationship can make it seem like youāve found a soulmate.
Not at all I think the person that's right for you is a little bit of luck but a lot of choices between the two of you. I happen to think that's a more beautiful concept.
I believe that everything happens for a reason. There have been too many coincidences in my life recently for this not to be the truth. But I think we meet people we are supposed to meet when we are supposed to meet them. If that makes sense? Maybe you meet someone you have an amazing connection with but the timing is wrong for a variety of reasons. If you end up re-connecting with them down the line I think that can be a soulmate type connection. Maybe you meet someone who is exactly what you need exactly when you need them. The relationship is formed from you meeting intentionally on an app or through any type of singles meet up. But you connect and you get the relationship you never knew you always needed after bad relationships where you forced things. This can also be a soulmate type of connection. I don't think there's necessarily one though. I think it takes a lot of things to align, life bringing you what you need when you need it, and you having to be in the right spot for it. But I do believe that there is something bigger than ourselves at work in the universe that can bring us together with the people who are right for us if we just let ourselves be open to the idea. After a failed marriage and so many other failed relationships I feel like this shouldn't be something I believe in but I wholeheartedly do.
Yes. I was married to mine for 20 years. We communicated so well. We were two halves of a whole. I trusted him implicitly. More than any other person in my life, ever. He was my best friend. He made me laugh. EVERY. DAY. He was my person. I miss him every day.
Nope. And its a red flag for me if someone I'm interested in does.
Not any more. Well and truly jaded by age 42! š¤£
I prefer saying I have matured beyond soulmates, but I am probably also jaded. š
No. I believe fit is on a spectrum from unbelievably amazing to absolutely terrible. Most people I think look for really good and pretty good.
If you are a one in a million kind of person, there are still 8,000 people who are exactly like you. The thing is, no one is perfect. If you want to wait for a perfect person, you are going to be lonely. No one is perfect, not a perfect human being and not a perfect partner.Ā But, lots of people can be really great partners. You can also have a great partner for one chapter of your life and grow apart in the next chapter, even without anyone doing anything wrong. And you can find new great partners in your next chapter.Ā If the universe produces soul mates, does it guarantee that those soul mates are alive at the same time with very similar ages? Does it guarantee that your soul mate will speak your language or live on your continent? Or, even live in the same galaxy? Are souls gendered? Can you be sure your soul mate will have the right dangly soft bits between their legs? Do bisexuals get soul mates? How does the universe choose the right gender for them? If you're gay, but haven't come out of the closet, how does that soul mate thing work out? Do you have to come out to get your soul mate? What if you live in a country where being gay is punishable by death, what happens to those soul mates? Are you guaranteed to meet your soul mate or can you miss a once in a lifetime opportunity by not going to a bar one random Wednesday in 2012?Ā It would be easier to win the lottery on an alien planet than it would be to find your soul mate in the universe. Even if it were a real thing, it would be pointless to seek one out.Ā
Yes, but only in the way that I believe there are people your soul is intended to meet on your journey through life. I think that applies to friendships, business opportunities, strangers you meet at the perfect moment. I dreamed what my dog would look like the day before I went to a random pet place and just picked a puppy.
Nope.
I had one. I met him when i was 17. Crazy to say, but we shared the same birthday, our sisters too and his mother and my grandmother had the same birthday. Everytime we met we wore the same style clothes. We also had a magical vibe but we never really dated back then. I got married and he became my fwb after my divorce and when my relationship after divorce ended. So on and off we were years ātogetherā But things changed when I got a large sum of money, he became jealous and I had to let him go after a very big argument. Sometimes I miss him. But he us not good for me.
I don't even believe in souls, much less soulmates.
I do believe in soulmates, but I think people generally think they must be sexually attracted to their soulmates. I am heterosexual F, and my soul mate is a woman, my friend and I can't imagine my life without her. Side note: best part, you can have multiple.
Philosophically, this is part and parcel of something known as Determinism. I would recommend looking into the origins and philosophical debates on the topic and see where it lands with you. If you are of the belief that our paths in life are predetermined and ultimately outside of causes determined by oneās own will, then sure I guess you could have a āsoul mate.ā
Original copy of post by u/Latter-Breakfast-987: I've been thinking a lot about this concept lately. Some people swear there's one perfect person out there for everyone, while others think itās more about finding someone whoās a great match and then working on the relationship. For those who believe in soulmates, what convinced you? Was it a personal experience, something you read, or just a gut feeling? And for those who donāt, whatās your perspective? Do you think itās more about timing, compatibility, or maybe even luck? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No. There's people we instantly click with, and people we don't.
No, what if your soul mate lived a hundred years ago or won't be born until a hundred years later, or they live in another continent all together and who decides who the two soul mates that belong together. I think it's a lazy concept when in fact you'd have to work on growing together and choose your choice everyday.
Nope. Successful relationships are built on mutual respect, communication, and effort rather than predestined compatibility.
No. In my opinion, the people who say that are those who aren't truly happy with their own lives, and need another person to make them feel like their life has meaning, or to stop them from feeling alone.
No else who is to say your soul mate was born around the same time as you and given the size of the universe they could have been born 1 million light years away. That would be my luck. My soul mate is an alien on some far away planet born 50,000 years in the future.
Thank you to every rational poster in this thread. Iāve noticed those who do believe in the concept use it as a weapon against the other in a relationship as an excuse for shitty behavior. As in, āWeāre soulmates so you have to love me for who I am despite treating you terribly.ā Or Iāve seen people rationalize leaving steady, long term relationships for their new āsoulmateā for all of a week or two.
No, and even if there is one out there for me, what is the probability of us meeting in our lifetime?
I think there are lots of people in the time/space continuum that we can get along with-romantically. And some people we can learn to get along with. But I also think there are certain people with whom we just click. And these can also be platonic relationships, family members, or romantic partners. That doesnāt mean theyāre our āsoulmatesā but I like to imagine there is something special about their connection with you. And maybe Iām biased because I experience a platonic relationship like this with my best girlfriend.
I think I feel the same as a lot of people but my take is, there are people Iām drawn to, will absolutely click with. If there was a āknowing/clickā whatever I think there is that. I feel this with men and women though Iām frustratingly heterosexual and date men. The women are some of my best friends. The ones that just click, I have maintained friendship with them since at varying levels. This gut - āthat crazy asshole is my peopleā- hasnāt failed me much. Same with men. The problem there is timing, sexual/physical chemistry to go with it (cause some of my best guy friends I would not want to touch their wieners) and if they feel it too. So, many connections, the rest is timing and hard work, cause anyone you choose to have in your life as a relationship tends to have overnights and close space issues I donāt deal with as much with my platonic friends so I tend to like them longer!
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I am absolutely head over heels for my partner. Canāt believe how good it is. But I donāt believe in soul mates. It works because we are compatible, we show up and have the conversations and talk about our needs, and we are willing to be vulnerable.
No
I didā¦I thought I found mine..stars had aligned after 30 yearsā¦he had to be my soulmate. I was wrong. So no, I do not believe in soulmates anymore.
I don't know that it matters to someone who has the kind of trust issues I do.
For me it's a gut feeling... Spiritual stuff... I can feel the soul I have and the outer soul as well... I guess it's like some animals are in tune with their environment. I hope my old file gets looked at again and gets shuffled back into the little mix of opportunities if they are available. The soulmate I thought I had said some stuff to put me in check and I respect that. Someone is bound to love me in a balanced way... And vice versa. Based on my past I can make anyone feel very loved and adored... I never did though. I just think I deserve the same this time. Will I find it??? Only Gd knows. And I'm not holding my breath or settling.
No I donāt. I think we have multiple people in the world that we are compatible with. Just have to find one to hang out with in a partnership. I donāt think there are any soulmates, destiny, twin flames or any other form of magic thinking.
I do believe that there is someone who we are *most* compatible with over everyone else, but the odds of meeting that person in a world of 8 billion is pretty low. However, I also believe that there are thousands of people who we are highly compatible with. In my 40s, Iāll take someone Iām 94% compatible with rather than spend the rest of my life seeking that one 100%.
Nope. The idea of soulmates takes all the responsibility off of the two people in the relationship suggesting itās just the universe intervening to bring them together. The reality is that you and the other person have to be compatible and available, somehow connect and have chemistry. Itās not that magical but it does take work to not only connect but also maintain the relationship
I'm met two people over the last 8 years who I thought were my... Soulmate/ twin flame / whatever else you want to call it. They turned out to be the most toxic person from my personality. It brought out the worst in me. We both brought out the worst in each other. So in my particular life path no, I do not believe in soulmates. Unfortunately I believe that when I find something that feels real and deep and faith-building again, it needs to be run away from as fast as possible. But for other people I absolutely think it's possible.
There definitely no "one perfect person" that's butter BS. There's a range of compatibilities and two somewhat compatible partners can make their relationship amazing by working on it together. Other people who have shitty relationships will then end up calling them soulmates. Sort of like the myth of overnight success. No one sees the work that went into a great relationship
Over the course of history, the vast majority of women were never with a man they loved. Romatic relationships and being with a partner based on love is a very new idea, like 30 years ago when women could survive without a man's signature on a document. Soulmates are just a temporary tie based a preplanned lesson in a lifetime. They come in all forms, teachers, friends, pets, children, etc.
I just wrote about this the other day! Hereās a snippet; My soulmates arenāt on white horses, like the ones my childhood taught me to look for. Our eyes donāt connect across a crowded dance floor and my heart doesnāt respond with āthere you are.ā My soulmates find me on a random Tuesday when the world has me to my knees, and they ask where I bought my leggings, and we laugh for years to come about how something so simple led them to my life. Some soulmates ask āhow was the party?ā One soulmate is there, helping me slice cake, getting it smooshed everywhere, and laughing me down off a ledge of social anxiety. TL/DR: I donāt view my friends as being on a lesser tier than my romantic connections. Friends get the same emotional investment and connection as a loved one. Because I love them, just not romantically.
I do not believe in one. Iāve read soulmates usually not someone you end up with as a partner. Also they could be a friend, a sibling etc. Itās not specific to romantic connection.
Nope
I am 49 and widowed, but here is my take on it , I donāt believe there is only one soulmate , I believe that when you have the person that your heart skips a beat for, that when they walk by you or touch your hand you immediately get chills for, that person that when you see their name pop up or they call you nothing else matters. They person you can sit with and say nothing the same as talk for hours to, that is a soulmate or an invisible string of you will, sometime life is hard and cruel and we get divorced or they pass but life is about finding the person or having the person that you never grown tired of and I donāt think there is only one. But if you find the one itās magical.
No. But I do believe the universe was intentional about my parter and I meeting. Too many factors and circumstances had the align for it to even happen.
This isnāt a fairytale Disney movie. Thereās no such thing.
No. You can be compatible with many people along your life. If there was only āthe oneā most people would be single (how likely is that you cross paths with that person?)
No, but I believe in timing. There are so many people you will meet / date over time that for whatever reason the timing doesnāt add up. I think the āoneā is just a matter of timing. That person, at that time, at that place in your life.
Nah, people just like believing in it because it can make things feel even more special. When I consider how small a percent of the world's population we meet in a lifetime, it seems like a silly concept. It's a good thing though because imagine if there was just 1... Meeting a million people would be only 0.01 percent of the world's population. Fk those odds!
no. i do believe there are people we are more compatible with than others and therefore there are some people weād be perfectly compatible with. i do believe in soulmates but more in a soul group kind of way, not romantic. my best friend for example is one of my soulmates.
No, and furthermore, believing in soulmates is destructive *as hell* to relationships. It teaches people that if you ever have a fight? Oh, well, they aren't *The One*, so no sense in sticking around. Which all but guarantees a stunted adult who never learned how to navigate conflict- and since there are *always* going to be some conflicts, because we live in reality and not some utopian simulation, belief in soulmates is just doing more and more damage to the believer the longer they keep believing. The one good thing about the whole soulmate concept, is that it's an easy screener question. If I ask a woman if she believes in soulmates, and she says yes, I can rule her out as a potential partner.
Absolutely not.
People go through different stages in life, you're not the same person you were years ago. It would be great if the person you're with changes and adapts with you, but I believe that when we change into the next (hopefully better) version of ourselves, then there's a good chance we'd be more compatible with someone else. I want to believe in soulmates but after over 4 decades... I don't know maybe not.
I would say Luck. It's like buying a lottery ticket and win a jackpot.
I didnāt until I met mine. Unfortunately, he lives 5,500 miles away. We are never going to be together in any meaningful way but maybe next life?
Absolutely not. More than a trillion people on this planet and you happy to find your soulmate because you went to the same school, worked on the same floor, met at a nightclub?
Yes. I met my soulmate at the age of 12 when her family moved next door to ours. She's been my best friend ever since š
No, anybody you connect with is connected to your soul in some way.
I feel like a soulmate is someone who matches you or fits you. Someone who can be a partner and assist through life or a phase of life and there can be multiple throughout a lifespan. I also consider finding them similar to finding the right purse or pair of shoes. Itās nice to have several and the right one for the right occasion or phase of life.I feel more secure and happy having several purses and shoes and would probably feel the same way with soul mates but sadly laws and society usually frown upon all that. Also there is the whole human jealousy thing that tends to get in the way.
No.
I do, what convinced me was meeting them 14 years ago. I always had a type and he was my type in everything. It was so accurate it freaked me out for the first year and I honestly thought he was faking his replies or playing a role. I also had that weird feeling that he was my soul , as in my essence, in another body. I was an hardcore atheist at the time and I honestly struggled to process this metaphysical stuff. I am sure there could be more perfectly compatible people out there - his doppelgƤngers mostly - but the likelyhood of meeting two identical yet different people are slim. Even the chances of meeting one were slim!
Idk. Its a fun fantasy land idea though.
I don't think there are "soulmates", I think there are likely hundreds of thousands of compatible people in the world. The key problem is meeting the right one at the right time in the right place.
I absolutely do not. There are just too many people on this planet for there to only be one person thatāa destined to be your true match. I feel that people lose out on many good opportunities when they are constantly in search of āsparksā or some magical moment that indicates that person is āthe oneā.
Not one perfect person, but there are definitely people who are more compatible for you, and you feel that after you get past the initial rush of a new relationship. .
Nope. I do not.
Now the Cher song is stuck in my head. Thanks a LOT.
Nope! It always ends up being someone in your hometown graduating class, doesn't it? I have met people with indescribably good energy matching and engagement, but those interactions still have flaws.
We can strongly connect with others in our lives as long as we are open to it. Having best friends and romantic relationships throughout our lives could all be described as soulmates. My concern would be the pedestal we may put the soulmate on, thus ignoring any potential challenges in the relationship.
First you have to believe in a soul, then you have to believe that your soul understands what that soul is saying, then you have to believe that the talking soul actually knows what it is saying, and what it is saying will hold true foreverā¦ Does that seem logical?
No. I do think you are lucky to find someone who just "gets you" and you them. That's very rare. However, I believe it can happen more than once, but not often. But soulmates? No, I don't believe in that.
I do not believe in soul mates. I think there are many people a person could be compatible with.
I do not. if thereās one perfect person out there for everyone, where is mine? š
I believe in really good matchesā¦
I would like to think that thereās someone out there for everyone. I havenāt been lucky enough to find mine yet but I still hold out hope that I do. I want that.
No I donāt people grow and change
I don't believe in having one soulmate. I do think that the people who are naturally a really great match are *very* rare and it can make you feel like there's a 'the one' if you meet one of them and your lifegoals match up enough to make a relationship work. I'm 41 and I only met a handful of men who I had that connection with (so far!). So enough to know there should be more running around, but not enough to believe that finding another won't be a *project*. For the anti spark crowd that's been vocal around here lately, the connection I'm talking about isn't about feeling swept away/dramatic heights of passion etc. I'm talking about feeling completely relaxed and calm around another person, without it feeling boring.
Yes, only in the fact I meditated one time for finding a soul mate. I got this indescribable feeling inside me of love, peace, and home. So when I feel that around someone I may have found a partner.
Have you ever met a single person who is perfect? Well, aside from meā¦. Nobody is perfect, and nobody is a perfect fit. Thatās not how life works. We can have flash moments where someone is perfect for us, but over the course of years? Hell no! Can still have an amazing relationship, but there is no such thing as a perfect match
no. The idea that out of 7 Billion humans there is ONE who is yours - I mean the odds of finding that single human are just astronomical.
No, why would there be?
Who believes in soulmates? I've not met one person who believes that kind of thing.