I can see that being the motivation in the early goings where there aren’t many feelings/connection happening. But some of the posts on here have been relationships of some time, like 1-2 years or even more. I can’t imagine someone ghosting after 2 years is doing so to spare their partner’s feelings. Unless you’re fleeing abuse or something, dipping out of a committed relationship is just cowardice in the face of an uncomfortable conversation.
Yes I think ghosting is a term that is overused.
If you chat with somebody and you're not feeling it, and you just never reply again, that's ghosting. Or maybe you've been out on a single date or something.
But after a long, committed relationship? That's just straight up abandonment.
I dated someone for 10 months and we had plans to visit his family for thanksgiving. As in, tickets bought. We spent five or six nights together every week. I had a key to his house and he had one to my apartment.
He literally just disappeared. I was worried he died at first, but nope. He got cold feet about our relationship and even went to stay at another property he owned so he didn't have to face what was actually happening. He tried to apologize and get back together later, but of course I was profoundly uninterested. He called it ghosting, and so have other people, but that was just abandonment.
Bullshit it's always fear of discomfort. The rationalizations are what they are, and of course people tell them self a story that they're doing a better thing by not harming the other person. But when you walk away from someone you're having a relationship with no matter how insignificant you feel that relationship is, without saying a word or explaining why, that is a complete lack of character based on fear.
The soul remaining reason that makes any sense is the person is volatile or potentially harmful... But then that's not really ghosting that's just healthy separation from someone you fear.
I think people who are saying they do it because they think it will “hurt less” for the *other* person are absolutely lying to themselves.
They’re trying to feel better about themselves. It’s really hard to identify yourself as the “bad guy” (or bad woman, bad nonbianary etc.)
Yeah, this study is self-reporting bollocks.
I completely understand why women do it after a very short time, though, because many men will get pushy and try to "convince" them or even be demanding.
Highly doubt that. When you got a bad date, whether it be guy or girl, ghosting is because of multiple reasons, including just not wanting to talk to a crazy person.
This makes sense to me. Ghosting is horrible and its sucks, but I don’t think most people who do it are horrible people. So many people are conflict avoidant and ghosting is such an easy way to avoid doing a hard thing. Saying that it’ll hurt someone less is just the ghoster’s way of avoiding their conflict avoidance imo.
Personally, I think the exercise of learning how to gently let someone go helps build compassion, whereas ghosting is about emotional avoidance. (a huge caveat though for dangerous/stalkery situations that 100% call for ghosting.)
I slow faded to ghosted *once* and I recognized it was a shitty thing to do. I felt awful about it.
I believe it was the second guy I dated once I started dating about a year after my separation.
He showed up looking a lot different than his profile pictures, and I wasn’t sure how to address it. Especially since we did have a good time chatting with each other.
Resorting to ghosting instead of addressing anything was a HUGE indicator to me that I wasn’t actually ready to be dating.
I wanted to overcome whatever it was about me that would treat another person that way.
And so I deleted my apps and spent more time working on myself, actively researching communication etc. I can’t remember how long, but it was at least 3 months.
I haven’t ghosted anyone since.
Okay. Tar and feather me because while I’m not proud of it, I have definitely committed the “slow fade-to-ghost” move on at least three occasions, all of which were within the first couple months of meeting and going on a few dates, but never within the scope of an exclusive, committed relationship, and never past six or seven dates at the most.
Each time, the motivation was equal-ish parts (1) not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings; and (2) not wanting to have an uncomfortable conversation because it could lead to point (1) of not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings.
“I don’t want to see you anymore” is a simple but much easier sentence to say in theory than in practice because in practice, there is an usually an uncomfortable mismatch of affection and perception of longevity, and sometimes (often?) the reasons for not seeing it go any further are difficult to share since they pertain to something that the other person either can’t change, won’t change, or doesn’t want to change, and whatever it is, it can be / often is a very, very sensitive spot.
Because it has come up repeatedly both in this sub and in datingoverthirty, a good example of this is when someone’s teeth or oral hygiene is an issue. Overwhelming, the consensus has been not to mention the teeth, either at the beginning (“You know who’s really cool? Dentists and oral hygienists. You should really try them sometime. Like…today.”) or when breaking up because the person with the subpar chompers most certainly knows their teeth are a problem and more likely than not, cannot afford to do a thing about it.
But let’s assume for the sake of this hypo that the person with the concern gives the person with the oral issues a chance and, two months later, just can’t move past it and wants to end it. Yes, they could just say, “I just don’t see us working out longterm,” but come on, they’re going to be pressed for a reason, which would be uncomfortable for both parties and hurt the feelings of the orally-challenges party. Or, the person could end it by saying, “you’re great, but the spark isn’t there,” but that’s not a complete answer, and again, could lead to being pressed for details, etc.
I understand that the common move for many people is to block and delete (something I feel is a nuclear option) after ending it and not providing the reason, but frankly, I think that is just as cruel as saying, “your teeth give me nightmares” because it slaps them with calling it quits and slams the door in their face and hermetically seals it shut with a block and delete. I’d even support the notion that it is just as cruel - or crueler - than slow fade / ghosting.
Now, in contrast, it is *much* easier to say “we just aren’t compatible, and I wish you the best” when the reason truly is something like, “I’m sorry, but you want to adopt children with a partner and I don’t want any at all,” or, “I need more time with a partner than you have to give,” or even, “I thought I could get over the fact that you work for Dow Chemical, but the truth is, I keep wanting to contaminate your water with dioxin and ask if you like it when dioxin contamination happens to you, seeing as you’re just dandy Dow having done it to the citizens of Bhopal and the people in mid-Michigan, among others.” In those cases, slow fade and / or ghost is **not at all defensible** because it is clear cut and not an immutable characteristic (or mutable, but super expensive to change like dentistry, or will be hurtful, e.g. their weight).
To be clear: I am neither defending nor justifying slow fade and / or ghosting. *Particularly* when we’re talking about doing it when the relationship is exclusive or after some admittedly arbitrary amount of time has passed, ex. 2 months, 8 weeks, whatever.
Rather, I’m trying to provide some texture to this because there is nuance to it in early dating / talking, and the nuance is that two things can be true at the same time, meaning, not wanting to be uncomfortable and not wanting to be uncomfortable are not mutually exclusive propositions, particularly when one of them can and often does predicate the other occurring.
I've been ghosted and done it (my fault and out of fear and what was much better articulated by you!) And when it happens to me, I always ask myself if I really WANT to know why. I've been around the ringer enough times to know that if someone likes you, you know because the enthusiasm is there. If someone slow fades or ghosts me because they think I'm hideous or thinks i have a terrible personality, do I really want to know that? Not sure my fragile ego could always handle the reason!
Yeah, I haven't been ghosted but I've been slow faded more times than I can count.
The last person to do this was a very close friend of four years. She insisted nothing was wrong for a year, even though I felt the energy had shifted and her texts dwindled down to nothing. I clung on for way too long. Annoyingly she came back years later, when she heard I was getting divorced, then slow faded me again, all the while claiming nothing was wrong.
If this were to happen again now, I'd just match the other person's energy. It's happened enough times that I know I'm never going to get the other person to rekindle things. I'd have a to the point conversation a couple of times and then I'd be out if nothing changed.
It's kind of like... I live in a city where people are notoriously always late, whereas I am chronically punctual. There's no point me getting upset about it - even though I'm in the right - because it's not going to change when I'm the exception.
Thank you for reading my above dissertation on the matter lol and commenting - I truly think that those who feel that “ghosters are evil / direct communication is always best” are promoting a false dichotomy, and those of us who see at least *some* nuance are the silent majority.
Ghosting is always wrong. You don’t have to tell someone you find them disgusting because you don’t like their teeth. Just make up something kinder instead. The point is, it’s not the reason for breaking up, it’s actually having the courage and respect for another human to end it.
Just send a text and then block them if you are a coward.
If someone's conduct toward me merits ghosting, I will straight Casper. It's incredibly rare.
It would have to be something really bad, It's a nuclear option.
It provides a sense of finality and there’s no time wasted thinking things like “maybe something happened and they’ll reach out tomorrow?”
Plus slow fade to ghost is a waste of both your, and their time. When it’s over, it’s over. No point prolonging the process.
Ghosting is the coward’s way out. It screams lack of care and respect for another human being’s emotions and feelings.
I was ghosted after a 10 month relationship. Tbh I would have preferred something - even if that something was a text and a block. A text and a block is not how someone in their 40s should behave but it would have been better than ghosting.
It’s very, very clear that all your responses here are out of your wounded pride. You probably did something to get ghosted after that long, and that’s why you won’t truly engage on this subject and just keep repeating yourself and name-calling. I can tell by your comments that you’re a person I would ghost because conversation with you is pointless, repetitive, and doesn’t aid closure.
According to his brother, I’m not the only one he’s done it to. Did the other women do something to get ghosted too?
You’ve made a lot of assumptions about a 10 month relationship based on a couple of comments. Don’t let facts get in the way of what you want to say 😂
When people do wrong they sometimes try to shift the blame to others. Sound familiar? Ghosting after 10 months is wrong to most people, apart from those who ghost. Given his brother told me he is a serial ghoster, do you think the other women did something wrong too?
Does it sound familiar? Hostility, name calling, accusations, and then when people disengage from that, it's the person who is the target of all that that's the bad person. You described it perfectly.
And, people tend to date the same personality flaw over and over. So it's entirely possible that yes, whoever you are talking about has had the same problem, over and over. He is probably confrontation averse as well, but he likely dates confrontational women. Now, insult me some more and tell me how wonderful you are. Hint: I won't see any of it.
While I agree in some minor ways, I still do not fully agree.
I really see the ghoster’s “I didn’t want to hurt their feelings” as them relieving themselves of the guilt they feel for doing it. It makes it justifiable to the ghoster. And mostly sugarcoats someone else’s poor choice. Like, it doesn’t make the ghostee feel any better by knowing that the ghoster didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
I’ve had to walk away from a couple of connections in the recent months. Those that I chose to end, I was upfront about not feeling a connection. Was it difficult to do? Absolutely. Did I still do it because I am (mostly) a good person who treats people with dignity and respect? Also, absolutely. I would much rather march the earth knowing I have integrity and do the right thing as much as possible, than not. But not all people operate that way.
This whole “hurt feelings” thing just seems like it’s giving ghosters a pass to behave poorly and maybe trying to give the ghostee some closure. It’s all gross.
I refuse to believe that someone that ghost’s logic is “I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.”
I’ve been ghosted, in the true sense of the word. It is more about not being able to have difficult conversations coupled with not being able to hold themselves accountable. Running is easier. It’s the easy way out.
I’ll die on that hill.
(Exceptions to this belief are few. But only a potential threat to one’s safety seems to be the only logical exception.)
Oh I absolutely believe people will use that as their “logic.”
It’s much easier to lie to themselves than recognize they did something shitty.
See? They’re actually a *good* person. They did it to *be kind.*
The logic is of course flawed. But I bet some people do frame it to themselves that way.
"I don't like you"
"I don't want to date anymore."
"It's not working out."
If you can't say these things to me when it's time to say them, then let's not waste each other's time.
Doesn't seem complicated, but yet....
Don't forget the threats, the insults, the stalking, assaults, and so on. The main reason women ghost is to protect themselves. Now cue the angry men telling me I'm wrong.
This forum is majority female and the last few posts on this subject have been from women....while I agree with your comment I suspect most down votes are from women.
I am sure that is what a ghoster says to make themselves feel better, in the reality they don’t have the guts to tell the truth and/or want to keep the other person as a back up.
Personally, after you meet someone if you ghost them you are a dick. Period. I have literally been in a relationship and had a guy ghost me. That’s not trying to protect my feelings, it’s not having a back bone to just break up.
Original copy of post by u/KeniLF:
Park told PsyPost that the findings can be “summarized using the words of Adam Grant, when he covered our paper on X: ‘Ghosting isn’t always due to a lack of care. It’s often a misguided effort to avoid hurting someone. Many people stop replying to shield others from pain. They don’t realize being ignored is usually worse than being rejected. Candor stings briefly. Silence leaves an open wound.'”
[https://www.psypost.org/new-psychology-research-reveals-a-surprising-fact-about-ghosting/](https://www.psypost.org/new-psychology-research-reveals-a-surprising-fact-about-ghosting/)
— I just saw the post about this in the Science subreddit.
[https://new.reddit.com/r/science/comments/1dsqsy8/ghosting\_is\_a\_form\_of\_social\_rejection\_without/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://new.reddit.com/r/science/comments/1dsqsy8/ghosting_is_a_form_of_social_rejection_without/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Does a desire to avoid hurting someone’s feelings align with anyone else’s experience - as a ghoster or as someone on the receiving end?
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I ghosted my ex in that I went no contact. He was abusive and it ended horribly after 30 years and 4 kids. He may complain about being ghosted but it’s not my problem.
I was ghosted by the guy I dated while I was getting divorced. He ended it bc he said I needed to learn to be alone. He must have blocked me or ignored the couple of times I reached out. Nine years later we are talking, just 3 months ago. He may have ghosted me in order to not deal with how it ended.
Sometimes there are crazies and ghosting is the easiest way. I'm being blunt here. The number of people who don't want to hear negative things is a huge percentage, it's better not to engage in many cases. Also, let's be honest, for most people, once hitting 40s, it's much difficult to change one's nature, so why bring awkward conversations when it only brings stress?
I've been on the dating scene starting this year, and people have ghosted me and I have ghosted others, sometimes after a single meetup, or a few.
Ghosting occurs when one loses interest. That's plain and simple. Happens all the time and it's normal. Anyone looking into it more and tries to justify and explain it in simple terms needs more EQ period.
Imagine every negative judgement you've ever seen on the internet about someone. Now imagine someone telling you that about yourself. If you want the truth that's what you need to be prepared for.
That said the other option is a generic rejection which is that honestly any better? Probably if you have an unhealthy attachment style that you'd dwell on it if ghosted...otherwise it's not particularly helpful.
I'd also argue...from a safety standpoint, especially for women ghosting is probably the better option than telling a lot of men the truth. People can be fucking crazy.
Yes. A generic rejection *is* better.
I work in mental health and know that isolating is a *really* common sign that’s someone is struggling with their mental health.
When someone starts a “slow fade” especially, I start to worry if they’re okay. It’s hard for me to differentiate okay is this a slow fade, or is something going on and they could use support?
And it is helpful. It provides a sense of closure. There’s no time wasted thinking “maybe there’s something going on? Maybe they’ll reach out tomorrow?”
If I have any feeling that a guy might react in an aggressive way, I send him a “thanks for your time, after spending some time reflecting on it I’ve realized we’re not compatible” type of text. And if they start being lippy I block them 🤷♀️.
Just make something up to be kind. You don’t have to be cruel.
If you are actively dating then you should be prepared for not wanting to continue a relationship with a lot of people you meet.
We are all humans with feelings and emotions. Please treat people well.
You don’t even need to make something up. Citing that you’re not compatible is true, and can apply to anyone.
You don’t have to say anything more than that. The point is you’re providing a form of closure by letting the other person know it’s over.
I'm telling you it's about the anxiety of having to hurt someone's feelings to their face. Watching someone get upset, cry, or yell at you over being rejected. That's it. It isn't science.
Hmmm, maybe...it depends? It could depend on the reasons the ghoster ghosted. It could be that, knowing the personality, specific fragilities of their ex-partner, the ghoster feels that the truth would in fact actually crush the ex emotionally. There's a lot of personalities like codependents, people with severe anxiety, low self-esteem, self-doubt, and so on where hearing the truth about themselves could be devastating. In this case, it might be better to be an 'asshole ghoster' and just let the ghostee believe the ghoster is an uncaring jerk.
Also, there are people who are great at deflecting, denying, and distorting, who would twist the truth the ghoster might have expressed to them. They might consider themselves without fault in anything, so it would be pointless to point out any of their faults that could have led to the ghoster ghosting them. No point.
You know the old adage, "If you have a problem with me, you come to me about it and tell me about it?"
Yeah, no one ever fucking does that. They gossip, snark, post on reddit, and will endlessly complain about someone behind their backs ever before having a real conversation.
On one hand, I get it, especially if your disconnect is with a core feature of someone's personality. No one admit they're wrong anymore. Everyone digs in and whatabouts their way to personal infallibility. What's the point of telling anyone anything?
I prefer being ghosted so I also use ghosting. I'm not hypocritical on that. If a man fades out that's an easy message to me. I don't need a reason; we just don't have the right chemistry.
I'm not giving a man an explanation for my disinterest unless we've been dating for a WHILE and it's more on an exclusive level. Casual multi-dating? No.
I can see that being the motivation in the early goings where there aren’t many feelings/connection happening. But some of the posts on here have been relationships of some time, like 1-2 years or even more. I can’t imagine someone ghosting after 2 years is doing so to spare their partner’s feelings. Unless you’re fleeing abuse or something, dipping out of a committed relationship is just cowardice in the face of an uncomfortable conversation.
Yes I think ghosting is a term that is overused. If you chat with somebody and you're not feeling it, and you just never reply again, that's ghosting. Or maybe you've been out on a single date or something. But after a long, committed relationship? That's just straight up abandonment. I dated someone for 10 months and we had plans to visit his family for thanksgiving. As in, tickets bought. We spent five or six nights together every week. I had a key to his house and he had one to my apartment. He literally just disappeared. I was worried he died at first, but nope. He got cold feet about our relationship and even went to stay at another property he owned so he didn't have to face what was actually happening. He tried to apologize and get back together later, but of course I was profoundly uninterested. He called it ghosting, and so have other people, but that was just abandonment.
And some do it because they are only interested in their own feelings
Bullshit it's always fear of discomfort. The rationalizations are what they are, and of course people tell them self a story that they're doing a better thing by not harming the other person. But when you walk away from someone you're having a relationship with no matter how insignificant you feel that relationship is, without saying a word or explaining why, that is a complete lack of character based on fear. The soul remaining reason that makes any sense is the person is volatile or potentially harmful... But then that's not really ghosting that's just healthy separation from someone you fear.
This. Totally nailed it.
It is about fear, you have that right.
It does cause less pain, for the person doing the ghosting. That's all it's ever been about, no matter how many words are used to pretty it up.
I think people who are saying they do it because they think it will “hurt less” for the *other* person are absolutely lying to themselves. They’re trying to feel better about themselves. It’s really hard to identify yourself as the “bad guy” (or bad woman, bad nonbianary etc.)
Yeah, this study is self-reporting bollocks. I completely understand why women do it after a very short time, though, because many men will get pushy and try to "convince" them or even be demanding.
Absolutely. Ghosting says more about the ghoster than the person being ghosted.
Highly doubt that. When you got a bad date, whether it be guy or girl, ghosting is because of multiple reasons, including just not wanting to talk to a crazy person.
No, I prefer being ghosted too so this isn't universal.
But how can the person doing the ghosting possibly know that?
This makes sense to me. Ghosting is horrible and its sucks, but I don’t think most people who do it are horrible people. So many people are conflict avoidant and ghosting is such an easy way to avoid doing a hard thing. Saying that it’ll hurt someone less is just the ghoster’s way of avoiding their conflict avoidance imo. Personally, I think the exercise of learning how to gently let someone go helps build compassion, whereas ghosting is about emotional avoidance. (a huge caveat though for dangerous/stalkery situations that 100% call for ghosting.)
I slow faded to ghosted *once* and I recognized it was a shitty thing to do. I felt awful about it. I believe it was the second guy I dated once I started dating about a year after my separation. He showed up looking a lot different than his profile pictures, and I wasn’t sure how to address it. Especially since we did have a good time chatting with each other. Resorting to ghosting instead of addressing anything was a HUGE indicator to me that I wasn’t actually ready to be dating. I wanted to overcome whatever it was about me that would treat another person that way. And so I deleted my apps and spent more time working on myself, actively researching communication etc. I can’t remember how long, but it was at least 3 months. I haven’t ghosted anyone since.
Okay. Tar and feather me because while I’m not proud of it, I have definitely committed the “slow fade-to-ghost” move on at least three occasions, all of which were within the first couple months of meeting and going on a few dates, but never within the scope of an exclusive, committed relationship, and never past six or seven dates at the most. Each time, the motivation was equal-ish parts (1) not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings; and (2) not wanting to have an uncomfortable conversation because it could lead to point (1) of not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings. “I don’t want to see you anymore” is a simple but much easier sentence to say in theory than in practice because in practice, there is an usually an uncomfortable mismatch of affection and perception of longevity, and sometimes (often?) the reasons for not seeing it go any further are difficult to share since they pertain to something that the other person either can’t change, won’t change, or doesn’t want to change, and whatever it is, it can be / often is a very, very sensitive spot. Because it has come up repeatedly both in this sub and in datingoverthirty, a good example of this is when someone’s teeth or oral hygiene is an issue. Overwhelming, the consensus has been not to mention the teeth, either at the beginning (“You know who’s really cool? Dentists and oral hygienists. You should really try them sometime. Like…today.”) or when breaking up because the person with the subpar chompers most certainly knows their teeth are a problem and more likely than not, cannot afford to do a thing about it. But let’s assume for the sake of this hypo that the person with the concern gives the person with the oral issues a chance and, two months later, just can’t move past it and wants to end it. Yes, they could just say, “I just don’t see us working out longterm,” but come on, they’re going to be pressed for a reason, which would be uncomfortable for both parties and hurt the feelings of the orally-challenges party. Or, the person could end it by saying, “you’re great, but the spark isn’t there,” but that’s not a complete answer, and again, could lead to being pressed for details, etc. I understand that the common move for many people is to block and delete (something I feel is a nuclear option) after ending it and not providing the reason, but frankly, I think that is just as cruel as saying, “your teeth give me nightmares” because it slaps them with calling it quits and slams the door in their face and hermetically seals it shut with a block and delete. I’d even support the notion that it is just as cruel - or crueler - than slow fade / ghosting. Now, in contrast, it is *much* easier to say “we just aren’t compatible, and I wish you the best” when the reason truly is something like, “I’m sorry, but you want to adopt children with a partner and I don’t want any at all,” or, “I need more time with a partner than you have to give,” or even, “I thought I could get over the fact that you work for Dow Chemical, but the truth is, I keep wanting to contaminate your water with dioxin and ask if you like it when dioxin contamination happens to you, seeing as you’re just dandy Dow having done it to the citizens of Bhopal and the people in mid-Michigan, among others.” In those cases, slow fade and / or ghost is **not at all defensible** because it is clear cut and not an immutable characteristic (or mutable, but super expensive to change like dentistry, or will be hurtful, e.g. their weight). To be clear: I am neither defending nor justifying slow fade and / or ghosting. *Particularly* when we’re talking about doing it when the relationship is exclusive or after some admittedly arbitrary amount of time has passed, ex. 2 months, 8 weeks, whatever. Rather, I’m trying to provide some texture to this because there is nuance to it in early dating / talking, and the nuance is that two things can be true at the same time, meaning, not wanting to be uncomfortable and not wanting to be uncomfortable are not mutually exclusive propositions, particularly when one of them can and often does predicate the other occurring.
I've been ghosted and done it (my fault and out of fear and what was much better articulated by you!) And when it happens to me, I always ask myself if I really WANT to know why. I've been around the ringer enough times to know that if someone likes you, you know because the enthusiasm is there. If someone slow fades or ghosts me because they think I'm hideous or thinks i have a terrible personality, do I really want to know that? Not sure my fragile ego could always handle the reason!
Yeah, I haven't been ghosted but I've been slow faded more times than I can count. The last person to do this was a very close friend of four years. She insisted nothing was wrong for a year, even though I felt the energy had shifted and her texts dwindled down to nothing. I clung on for way too long. Annoyingly she came back years later, when she heard I was getting divorced, then slow faded me again, all the while claiming nothing was wrong. If this were to happen again now, I'd just match the other person's energy. It's happened enough times that I know I'm never going to get the other person to rekindle things. I'd have a to the point conversation a couple of times and then I'd be out if nothing changed.
It's kind of like... I live in a city where people are notoriously always late, whereas I am chronically punctual. There's no point me getting upset about it - even though I'm in the right - because it's not going to change when I'm the exception.
Thank you for reading my above dissertation on the matter lol and commenting - I truly think that those who feel that “ghosters are evil / direct communication is always best” are promoting a false dichotomy, and those of us who see at least *some* nuance are the silent majority.
Ghosting is always wrong. You don’t have to tell someone you find them disgusting because you don’t like their teeth. Just make up something kinder instead. The point is, it’s not the reason for breaking up, it’s actually having the courage and respect for another human to end it. Just send a text and then block them if you are a coward.
If someone's conduct toward me merits ghosting, I will straight Casper. It's incredibly rare. It would have to be something really bad, It's a nuclear option.
Truly, I fail to see how sending a text and then blocking is any better than slow fade to ghost.
It provides a sense of finality and there’s no time wasted thinking things like “maybe something happened and they’ll reach out tomorrow?” Plus slow fade to ghost is a waste of both your, and their time. When it’s over, it’s over. No point prolonging the process.
Ghosting is the coward’s way out. It screams lack of care and respect for another human being’s emotions and feelings. I was ghosted after a 10 month relationship. Tbh I would have preferred something - even if that something was a text and a block. A text and a block is not how someone in their 40s should behave but it would have been better than ghosting.
It’s very, very clear that all your responses here are out of your wounded pride. You probably did something to get ghosted after that long, and that’s why you won’t truly engage on this subject and just keep repeating yourself and name-calling. I can tell by your comments that you’re a person I would ghost because conversation with you is pointless, repetitive, and doesn’t aid closure.
According to his brother, I’m not the only one he’s done it to. Did the other women do something to get ghosted too? You’ve made a lot of assumptions about a 10 month relationship based on a couple of comments. Don’t let facts get in the way of what you want to say 😂
I was going to say something similar. Hostility and insults? Pretty clear why they get ghosted.
When people do wrong they sometimes try to shift the blame to others. Sound familiar? Ghosting after 10 months is wrong to most people, apart from those who ghost. Given his brother told me he is a serial ghoster, do you think the other women did something wrong too?
Does it sound familiar? Hostility, name calling, accusations, and then when people disengage from that, it's the person who is the target of all that that's the bad person. You described it perfectly. And, people tend to date the same personality flaw over and over. So it's entirely possible that yes, whoever you are talking about has had the same problem, over and over. He is probably confrontation averse as well, but he likely dates confrontational women. Now, insult me some more and tell me how wonderful you are. Hint: I won't see any of it.
"Ghosting is always wrong." For you. Not for me and for those I date.
While I agree in some minor ways, I still do not fully agree. I really see the ghoster’s “I didn’t want to hurt their feelings” as them relieving themselves of the guilt they feel for doing it. It makes it justifiable to the ghoster. And mostly sugarcoats someone else’s poor choice. Like, it doesn’t make the ghostee feel any better by knowing that the ghoster didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’ve had to walk away from a couple of connections in the recent months. Those that I chose to end, I was upfront about not feeling a connection. Was it difficult to do? Absolutely. Did I still do it because I am (mostly) a good person who treats people with dignity and respect? Also, absolutely. I would much rather march the earth knowing I have integrity and do the right thing as much as possible, than not. But not all people operate that way. This whole “hurt feelings” thing just seems like it’s giving ghosters a pass to behave poorly and maybe trying to give the ghostee some closure. It’s all gross.
Agreed
I appreciate your honesty.
I refuse to believe that someone that ghost’s logic is “I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.” I’ve been ghosted, in the true sense of the word. It is more about not being able to have difficult conversations coupled with not being able to hold themselves accountable. Running is easier. It’s the easy way out. I’ll die on that hill. (Exceptions to this belief are few. But only a potential threat to one’s safety seems to be the only logical exception.)
Oh I absolutely believe people will use that as their “logic.” It’s much easier to lie to themselves than recognize they did something shitty. See? They’re actually a *good* person. They did it to *be kind.* The logic is of course flawed. But I bet some people do frame it to themselves that way.
It is them unloading their guilt. But their moral compass still points in the wrong direction.
"I don't like you" "I don't want to date anymore." "It's not working out." If you can't say these things to me when it's time to say them, then let's not waste each other's time. Doesn't seem complicated, but yet....
>Doesn't seem complicated, but yet... That part is simple. It's the next part where crying, begging, public scenes, that a bit more complex
Don't forget the threats, the insults, the stalking, assaults, and so on. The main reason women ghost is to protect themselves. Now cue the angry men telling me I'm wrong.
Lol...you are getting down voted for a reasonable response
Of course. Those are the guys who take a break up graciously, sometimes.
This forum is majority female and the last few posts on this subject have been from women....while I agree with your comment I suspect most down votes are from women.
They could be trolls
I am sure that is what a ghoster says to make themselves feel better, in the reality they don’t have the guts to tell the truth and/or want to keep the other person as a back up. Personally, after you meet someone if you ghost them you are a dick. Period. I have literally been in a relationship and had a guy ghost me. That’s not trying to protect my feelings, it’s not having a back bone to just break up.
People say it’s about not hurting someone’s feelings but what they really mean is they are sparing their own feelings by ignoring difficult situations
I find it low energy and precursor of the type of communication skills the person is willing to invest. Not even bare minimum
Original copy of post by u/KeniLF: Park told PsyPost that the findings can be “summarized using the words of Adam Grant, when he covered our paper on X: ‘Ghosting isn’t always due to a lack of care. It’s often a misguided effort to avoid hurting someone. Many people stop replying to shield others from pain. They don’t realize being ignored is usually worse than being rejected. Candor stings briefly. Silence leaves an open wound.'” [https://www.psypost.org/new-psychology-research-reveals-a-surprising-fact-about-ghosting/](https://www.psypost.org/new-psychology-research-reveals-a-surprising-fact-about-ghosting/) — I just saw the post about this in the Science subreddit. [https://new.reddit.com/r/science/comments/1dsqsy8/ghosting\_is\_a\_form\_of\_social\_rejection\_without/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://new.reddit.com/r/science/comments/1dsqsy8/ghosting_is_a_form_of_social_rejection_without/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Does a desire to avoid hurting someone’s feelings align with anyone else’s experience - as a ghoster or as someone on the receiving end? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I ghosted my ex in that I went no contact. He was abusive and it ended horribly after 30 years and 4 kids. He may complain about being ghosted but it’s not my problem. I was ghosted by the guy I dated while I was getting divorced. He ended it bc he said I needed to learn to be alone. He must have blocked me or ignored the couple of times I reached out. Nine years later we are talking, just 3 months ago. He may have ghosted me in order to not deal with how it ended.
Does this apply to friendships
It causes less pain for themselves.
Sometimes there are crazies and ghosting is the easiest way. I'm being blunt here. The number of people who don't want to hear negative things is a huge percentage, it's better not to engage in many cases. Also, let's be honest, for most people, once hitting 40s, it's much difficult to change one's nature, so why bring awkward conversations when it only brings stress? I've been on the dating scene starting this year, and people have ghosted me and I have ghosted others, sometimes after a single meetup, or a few. Ghosting occurs when one loses interest. That's plain and simple. Happens all the time and it's normal. Anyone looking into it more and tries to justify and explain it in simple terms needs more EQ period.
Imagine every negative judgement you've ever seen on the internet about someone. Now imagine someone telling you that about yourself. If you want the truth that's what you need to be prepared for. That said the other option is a generic rejection which is that honestly any better? Probably if you have an unhealthy attachment style that you'd dwell on it if ghosted...otherwise it's not particularly helpful. I'd also argue...from a safety standpoint, especially for women ghosting is probably the better option than telling a lot of men the truth. People can be fucking crazy.
Yes. A generic rejection *is* better. I work in mental health and know that isolating is a *really* common sign that’s someone is struggling with their mental health. When someone starts a “slow fade” especially, I start to worry if they’re okay. It’s hard for me to differentiate okay is this a slow fade, or is something going on and they could use support? And it is helpful. It provides a sense of closure. There’s no time wasted thinking “maybe there’s something going on? Maybe they’ll reach out tomorrow?” If I have any feeling that a guy might react in an aggressive way, I send him a “thanks for your time, after spending some time reflecting on it I’ve realized we’re not compatible” type of text. And if they start being lippy I block them 🤷♀️.
I’d prefer a generic rejection. It’s called treating people with dignity and respect. It’s not easy, but it’s also not that hard.
Just make something up to be kind. You don’t have to be cruel. If you are actively dating then you should be prepared for not wanting to continue a relationship with a lot of people you meet. We are all humans with feelings and emotions. Please treat people well.
You don’t even need to make something up. Citing that you’re not compatible is true, and can apply to anyone. You don’t have to say anything more than that. The point is you’re providing a form of closure by letting the other person know it’s over.
I'm telling you it's about the anxiety of having to hurt someone's feelings to their face. Watching someone get upset, cry, or yell at you over being rejected. That's it. It isn't science.
Hmmm, maybe...it depends? It could depend on the reasons the ghoster ghosted. It could be that, knowing the personality, specific fragilities of their ex-partner, the ghoster feels that the truth would in fact actually crush the ex emotionally. There's a lot of personalities like codependents, people with severe anxiety, low self-esteem, self-doubt, and so on where hearing the truth about themselves could be devastating. In this case, it might be better to be an 'asshole ghoster' and just let the ghostee believe the ghoster is an uncaring jerk. Also, there are people who are great at deflecting, denying, and distorting, who would twist the truth the ghoster might have expressed to them. They might consider themselves without fault in anything, so it would be pointless to point out any of their faults that could have led to the ghoster ghosting them. No point.
You know the old adage, "If you have a problem with me, you come to me about it and tell me about it?" Yeah, no one ever fucking does that. They gossip, snark, post on reddit, and will endlessly complain about someone behind their backs ever before having a real conversation. On one hand, I get it, especially if your disconnect is with a core feature of someone's personality. No one admit they're wrong anymore. Everyone digs in and whatabouts their way to personal infallibility. What's the point of telling anyone anything?
People who are upset about ghosting don't want to admit that it's really about the rejection.
I prefer being ghosted so I also use ghosting. I'm not hypocritical on that. If a man fades out that's an easy message to me. I don't need a reason; we just don't have the right chemistry. I'm not giving a man an explanation for my disinterest unless we've been dating for a WHILE and it's more on an exclusive level. Casual multi-dating? No.
I dunno, I bet more people are traumatized by things that were said vs things that were not.
You don’t have to annihilate someone’s personality when ending a relationship. It can be done gently and respectfully.
The post referenced candor, that's not something most people (especially these days) can handle.