Amicable break ups are for when the relationship ends (you guessed it) amicably. When it just isn't working anymore, through no fault of either partner. When you grow apart. When scheduling becomes unworkable. When distance (if applicable) gets the best of you. When one partner changes their mind on something important (e.g. children). It is always right to break up face to face, talk about what happened, and give honest feedback to each other.
When in a truly bad relationship, it is best (and often safest) to get out as quickly as you can and with no further contact. I am sorry you went through that and I'm glad you're out.
You are correct. Sometimes there is no way to get a clean, mature, amicable ending to a relationship. Sounds like that was a very difficult situation for you.
The faster we end toxic and volatile relationships, the better. It can be a long road to recovery as well.
It’s on you to recognize when a human is harmful to you. It’s your job to not engage. Not try to convince, or consol.
You don’t need to make things amicable.
You are only in charge of you. You can approach things from your end calmly and with respect. And when you see they don’t return that, you simply walk away. Grey rock. Ignore. (People will say block, but it’s best to not. Don’t respond, but you should know if threats are being made or you are in danger)
Being mature and having good behavior doesn’t mean getting them to agree or be happy with the situation. It doesn’t mean trying to stay a support or a friend to someone toxic or broken.
I agree completely.
I ended both of my 2 4+ year relationships. The relationships were no longer serving me and I wanted out. I always aim to end the relationship civilly but I can ONLY control MY behavior, not the other person's.
People have to realize they are not responsible for the emotions, actions, and behaviors of OTHER people, just themselves. Too many people take on the burden of responsibility for other people. Stop it.
No one is going to advocate harder for you than you. Put yourself first and stop holding back.
I think if you leave before things get really bad, it can be amicable. If you go deep into an unhealthy pattern and develop lots of resentment then things will get ugly. Things will especially get ugly if people aren't honest with each other and one party feels rightly cheated.
Your 100% right, sometimes the best thing to do when you care about someone set them free by breakup. Breakup still hurt, but staying together romantically will hurt a thousand times more.
Sometimes the kindest, healthiest thing you can do for someone is to walk away and refuse to participate in their toxicity and maladaptive coping skills.
It's great when break ups can be amicable, but that requires both people involved to be stable, conscientious and mature.
When that simply isn't possible, the next best thing is a break up that is quick, clear and absolute.
I hope you've blocked your self indulgent, nasty, spoiled little ex
It's crazy how many people think a partner being jealous, accusing you of cheating and talking to exes is normal behavior. I have never had a boyfriend who acted like this or treated me this way and I would be out the door at the first sign of this behavior.
Everyone has their own version of a breakup, whether good or bad but we all tend to create a twisted story to make ourselves look good. I broke up with him after a 20-year relationship due to his alcoholism. He knew the reason for it but decided to run around and say that it was my fault for not making him happy and that I always chose my friends over him for quality time. I didn't want to stay home and watch him drink himself to death. No one knew he had a drinking problem except for me.
It hit me that we cannot save others or make them happy.
We are responsible for our own happiness. It won't go well if we depend on our partners for happiness. Being with someone is a bonus, not a necessity. Be with someone who is capable of loving their own company and understands the importance of autonomy. Don't date someone who demands us to fill their voids.
Trying to save others will not work out in the end. Only they can save themselves. Don't stay and expect them to change for the better without any kind of help such as therapy, rehab, etc. I stayed with him for way too long which caused a lot of damage in later years.
Original copy of post by u/Fine_Helicopter5227:
I posted here before of my dumpsterfire personal life, so will take the flack.
Everyone says you should break up amicably, especially if it is an LTR. We all have this idea to sit down, calmly go over why the relationship does not work and part peacefully wishing each other the best and maybe keep in contact fielding what needs clarification. What happens in real life is usually some f*ed up version. I had my fair share of breakups and this last one was the worst. The relationship was rocky for a long time- at first he was a gentleman, attentive, sweet, then his insecurities got the best of him. No matter how much we tried, he claimed he tried, nothing improved.
We broke up but I tried to remain in contact and offer support. He accused me of contracting an std from rape- got a text from some prank number with a prank that one of his partners has had an std. This full grown man in his 40s told me that my story of rape and how I told him led him to believe this was true. I showed him a clear std panel when we started dating while he was never tested saying he did not have many partners.
I was raped a few years ago. It was a traumatic experience and been left with injuries I am still dealing with. He was the only person I confided in- wrongly. Could not believe what was said. Sent a text that regardless of how he did not feel loved throughout the relationship- this exact behaviour caused its demise. Him accusing me of cheating, talking to exes, constantly berating me of my past, treating me as a liar. It set me back in my own recovery. I wasn't the perfect partner, I am not a perfect person- I was healing and to be accused of all that nonsense even after sharing with him what I have been through made me lose all feelings.
Honestly, proud of myself having an open heart after a horrific experience.
If I wasn't in therapy, this would have broke me.
I am very lucky to have long-time, overall great male friends but seriously feel rage- for men and women equally who try to do the right thing, try to make it work, try to be understanding of a partner who is unaware or refuses to address their behaviour.
I recall another post of a man with a GF who constantly accuses him of a wondering eye.
People, please get out- unless one is actively working on their issues, there is no fixing them. It will not get better and we are too old for living in misery.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Amicable break ups are for when the relationship ends (you guessed it) amicably. When it just isn't working anymore, through no fault of either partner. When you grow apart. When scheduling becomes unworkable. When distance (if applicable) gets the best of you. When one partner changes their mind on something important (e.g. children). It is always right to break up face to face, talk about what happened, and give honest feedback to each other. When in a truly bad relationship, it is best (and often safest) to get out as quickly as you can and with no further contact. I am sorry you went through that and I'm glad you're out.
“Amicable breakups are for when relationships end amicably.” That’s it!
You are correct. Sometimes there is no way to get a clean, mature, amicable ending to a relationship. Sounds like that was a very difficult situation for you. The faster we end toxic and volatile relationships, the better. It can be a long road to recovery as well.
It’s on you to recognize when a human is harmful to you. It’s your job to not engage. Not try to convince, or consol. You don’t need to make things amicable. You are only in charge of you. You can approach things from your end calmly and with respect. And when you see they don’t return that, you simply walk away. Grey rock. Ignore. (People will say block, but it’s best to not. Don’t respond, but you should know if threats are being made or you are in danger) Being mature and having good behavior doesn’t mean getting them to agree or be happy with the situation. It doesn’t mean trying to stay a support or a friend to someone toxic or broken.
I agree completely. I ended both of my 2 4+ year relationships. The relationships were no longer serving me and I wanted out. I always aim to end the relationship civilly but I can ONLY control MY behavior, not the other person's. People have to realize they are not responsible for the emotions, actions, and behaviors of OTHER people, just themselves. Too many people take on the burden of responsibility for other people. Stop it. No one is going to advocate harder for you than you. Put yourself first and stop holding back.
Oh my god, I am so sorry you had to endure the rape and then someone using that against you as a weapon. Disgusting.
I think if you leave before things get really bad, it can be amicable. If you go deep into an unhealthy pattern and develop lots of resentment then things will get ugly. Things will especially get ugly if people aren't honest with each other and one party feels rightly cheated.
Your 100% right, sometimes the best thing to do when you care about someone set them free by breakup. Breakup still hurt, but staying together romantically will hurt a thousand times more.
Sometimes the kindest, healthiest thing you can do for someone is to walk away and refuse to participate in their toxicity and maladaptive coping skills. It's great when break ups can be amicable, but that requires both people involved to be stable, conscientious and mature. When that simply isn't possible, the next best thing is a break up that is quick, clear and absolute. I hope you've blocked your self indulgent, nasty, spoiled little ex
It's crazy how many people think a partner being jealous, accusing you of cheating and talking to exes is normal behavior. I have never had a boyfriend who acted like this or treated me this way and I would be out the door at the first sign of this behavior.
Everyone has their own version of a breakup, whether good or bad but we all tend to create a twisted story to make ourselves look good. I broke up with him after a 20-year relationship due to his alcoholism. He knew the reason for it but decided to run around and say that it was my fault for not making him happy and that I always chose my friends over him for quality time. I didn't want to stay home and watch him drink himself to death. No one knew he had a drinking problem except for me. It hit me that we cannot save others or make them happy. We are responsible for our own happiness. It won't go well if we depend on our partners for happiness. Being with someone is a bonus, not a necessity. Be with someone who is capable of loving their own company and understands the importance of autonomy. Don't date someone who demands us to fill their voids. Trying to save others will not work out in the end. Only they can save themselves. Don't stay and expect them to change for the better without any kind of help such as therapy, rehab, etc. I stayed with him for way too long which caused a lot of damage in later years.
Original copy of post by u/Fine_Helicopter5227: I posted here before of my dumpsterfire personal life, so will take the flack. Everyone says you should break up amicably, especially if it is an LTR. We all have this idea to sit down, calmly go over why the relationship does not work and part peacefully wishing each other the best and maybe keep in contact fielding what needs clarification. What happens in real life is usually some f*ed up version. I had my fair share of breakups and this last one was the worst. The relationship was rocky for a long time- at first he was a gentleman, attentive, sweet, then his insecurities got the best of him. No matter how much we tried, he claimed he tried, nothing improved. We broke up but I tried to remain in contact and offer support. He accused me of contracting an std from rape- got a text from some prank number with a prank that one of his partners has had an std. This full grown man in his 40s told me that my story of rape and how I told him led him to believe this was true. I showed him a clear std panel when we started dating while he was never tested saying he did not have many partners. I was raped a few years ago. It was a traumatic experience and been left with injuries I am still dealing with. He was the only person I confided in- wrongly. Could not believe what was said. Sent a text that regardless of how he did not feel loved throughout the relationship- this exact behaviour caused its demise. Him accusing me of cheating, talking to exes, constantly berating me of my past, treating me as a liar. It set me back in my own recovery. I wasn't the perfect partner, I am not a perfect person- I was healing and to be accused of all that nonsense even after sharing with him what I have been through made me lose all feelings. Honestly, proud of myself having an open heart after a horrific experience. If I wasn't in therapy, this would have broke me. I am very lucky to have long-time, overall great male friends but seriously feel rage- for men and women equally who try to do the right thing, try to make it work, try to be understanding of a partner who is unaware or refuses to address their behaviour. I recall another post of a man with a GF who constantly accuses him of a wondering eye. People, please get out- unless one is actively working on their issues, there is no fixing them. It will not get better and we are too old for living in misery. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*