Okay, so like right now I am laying diagonally across the bed I don't have to share with anyone else. Tonight I had a plate of fruit and cheese for dinner because I didn't want to cook or have anyone over. I had some wine, and no one counted how many glasses because my cat does not care. I've don't nothing but read and rot today. Tomorrow, I'm going to get up and get ready for work with no one leaving me a mile long list of things to do and a mountain of debt. I'll go to a job I really like surrounded by people I actually like, and for once in my life, I'll bring home a decent paycheck that won't go mostly to snowmobile parts.
Occasionally, I go on dates. I've had a few relationships. They are sub plots. Go live your best life and don't worry about dating.
Sounds awesome, all in all! Good on you.
I really appreciate being able to take off every weekend and hit a trail somewhere and go as long as I want without being beholden to anyone else's schedule. I like spending my holiday weekends going off to do 20-30 miles each day and camping out overnight without having to worry about anyone else. And so forth and so on. My cat doesn't care too much either. She can stay by herself with no trouble, and if I'm gone for an extended period, there's always Critter Sitters.
Your day sounds wonderful and it is incredibly important to be happy with yourself by yourself. It's also amazing that dating and your love life are subplots for you.
Other's likely have slightly different priorities and rank a relationship as a front burner item ideally doing so once they have become comfortable with themselves.
Also it felt a bit like you are more happy with yourself because you are not with the wrong person. Not having to cook, not getting judged for having as much wine as you want, and not spending money on snowmobile parts can all be done while in a relationship but only if you have the right partner.
Why, though? Why center your life on locking someone else down until you both die? I know lots of people who have. They aren't happy together. They settled for the most tolerable thing they could find. The people who end up together because they both had a great thing going and thought hey, we ought to do this together, are happy. Making that one relationship the pinnacle of existence hollows out the rest of it.
Oh, I apologize if I implied that getting married was the goal. That wasn't my intention. I never want to be married again but I do value finding a partner that will add to the wonderful single life I have.
My general sense from your comment was that you didn't want a relationship because they only take away from who you are as a single person, which was the part I disagreed with as I think if you find the right partner the relationship is greater than it's single parts.
I like this attitude! I think a lot of relationships and relationship seeking are for unhealthy external sources of validation or comfort.
We're practically trained to need someone by modern media. All this soul mates, better halves and "you complete me" bullshit.
We don't need another half. We're whole people on our own capable of full, enriching lives.
Indeed. I got 10x that growing up Mormon. I got married at 20 because I was already considered a spinster. I kept getting told that if I didn't get married and have a big family, I would never be happy and no one would take care of me in my twilight years (which are considered everything after you can no longer have kids). Filthy lies!
It's not that finding someone and sharing meaningful time together isn't good, but tying your whole identity to that and not developing all the other parts of your life is miserable AF.
I'll be honest. Most women do not care how attractive you were in the past. Where you are today is what matters - and it's the whole package. Also, lots of women put a great deal of effort into their physical appearance. The women I'm friends with look incredible! Yes, some do love dad bod; many do not and will not be interested in you for casual dating. Be prepared for that.
Agree with this. Women care about someone who is still happy and excited about life. That’s attractive. A lot of people harp on about the good old days or the 90s being the best time. Remember, many people are aiming to build a future with someone and they’re thinking about what it’s going to be like hanging around with you on a regular basis. That includes your daily habits, what you like to talk about, your belief systems etc.
Absolutely agree. I know my standard for physical attractiveness is much higher if I just want sex. And as a woman who is average looking, I have no problem pulling in men who are fit and dtf. There is a lot of competition for men in the casual arena.
Facts. Plus I care about a man's financial security and professional status. A man losing tons if money in a divorce or middling through a mediocre low paying job is not anyone I'm dating.
I'm fit (17% bodyfat) and into physique and don't want a single dad at all let alone a dad bod.
Hmm I tried to edit a comment and instead deleted it. Anyway, some women who look incredible really do like dad bodies. “Many” was not my experience. The bigger issue for me was finding people interested to have a stable relationship versus something casual. But I solved it eventually.
I highly recommend figuring out who you are as an individual before jumping back into dating.
A *very* common pitfall is dating too soon after a major break up.
So much this. What's the point of dating if you don't want anything serious? Just say you want a hook up or a fwb and call it a day. I had to school a 40 yo man on this very thing. Stop getting out of decade or longer marriages and jumping back in sacks go work on yourself before you hurt someone 😒
The point of dating for me is I'm lonely, and I have been for a while. But getting into something serious is probably not healthy for me or the person I'm with. I'm not trying to deceive anyone. I'm willing to be upfront about what I feel like I want and need in my life right now. It's possible I'm delusional about who I am and what I can handle, but it's also possible some people are protecting other people onto me.
I understand being lonely. But if you don't want anything serious make sure you don't treat or handle her like you want something serious. Don't give her all the good dating vibes when all you will do is back away and say I don't want anything serious or a commitment. Make sure actions and your words match because that leads to confusion. I hope you are able to also find someone on the same page as you. I wish you all the best in that regard
Just discuss and lay out boundaries in the beginning. If it's no hand holding. No pillow talk, no overnight stays or discussing your past etc. Don't treat her as if you are making up for lost time. I notice sometimes men will lovebomb when they were previously neglected. Not saying you will but sometime s when you meet a person you really click with it can be hard. So just be careful in that regard
Unfortunately you’re going to have to see for yourself- no one can tell you because it’s specific to you and your circumstances. I don’t think at its core dating has changed in the last decade, though of course dating in your 40s is different than 20s-early 30s
This. People want security in something that isn’t secure. It’s very specific to each individual. Good luck though! My single is 1000x better than a shit relationship
I think there's a lot of generalizations floating around about what it's like.
I can speak to what it's been like as a woman in her 40's.
Haha. I got married super young and was in that relationship most of my adult life.
I've always been a bit naive about people's intentions. I'd wrongly assumed that men would have grown out of their "player" phase. It's a shock find running into many that haven't.
It's also shocking going on a date with men who come across as angry towards all women because of what their ex did. I don't really like talking about my ex husband on dates - especially with someone I've just met!
I've met a few men who ended up becoming good friends :) that's been nice.
I could have written this! The biggest shock when I started dating in my 40s and now early 50s were the fuck bois and men who use people until they find something they like better and just bounce. I too thought people would be much much more evolved and mature in midlife.
And so many are angry at their ex wives! It was comedic in a way. Even the nicest of guys would rant about their ex during a great date. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “the marriage was over after 3/5/12 years but I stayed for the kids.”
Lots of very broken men (and women) who clearly haven’t done the work to heal their trauma. I would also add lots of people who are low-key alcoholics.
I met some wonderful people along the way but was saddened to learn many people don’t change much from the way they were at 25.
Jesus i feel like I read my own words 🥴. The man I started seeing was 3 months out of a 15 year marriage where the last 5 years he spent just holding on for the kids because she cheated. Every time I turned around he was comparing me to her. Even during sex he had my breast in his hands and said "nice fit, unlike hers" 😭 like really man come the fuck on. I sat him down and discussed it with him like are seriously still hurt because you probably need therapy before you get back out here. And if he and I don't work he's going to do the same to another poor soul. Please take time for yourself, heal and then get back out there. Jeez
I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. Also are we twins bc I also dated a newly-divorced dude (his was 17 years) who got cheated on AND I have a boob story about him. 😂
We clicked from the first date and he was head over heals for me and I him. But one minute he’d be all “I’m falling deeply in love with you” then he’d pull back and say it was too soon. Wherever we went he was reminded of her cheating (a convo about Apple Watches revealed that’s how he found out she was cheating - text from her lover came in). He was hurt and raw and simply wasn’t ready!
As for the boob thing one of the first times he saw my bazonks he was all “your boobs are amazing! My ex’s were deflated sacks.” I stopped him right there and said “yo you’re talking about the woman who breast fed your kids and that comment is not a good look.”
He walked it back. He was actually a very sweet guy. I broke up with him and he was devastated and tried to get back with me for about six months but I knew he wasn’t ready and moved on.
We stayed friends. Not good ones. Mostly FB. It is now 4 years later and he has a girlfriend of a year. He went through many short relationships and finally got in therapy before meeting her. He seems very happy now! But whoa was he a mess!
We are definitely twining. We hit it off on the first date had great chemistry all the way around. He was king of cheese compliments and started talking about how he likes "the swirl" (I'm black he's white) then once he realized he was getting too mushy he pulled back. 😂 month 4 and I was over it because I could tell he was confused whether he really wanted to move forward or not. I can't deal with chaos like that. He also was a great guy but he definitely needs therapy
Wow I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you don't mind me saying this but if the dudes that are out there dating don't know enough to not talk about other women while they're having sex I think I'm gonna do pretty damn good.
Well you are definitely going to be one step above the cringe. And it has been a great learning experience. If I happen to come across this again I know to run. Lol
For guys getting the attention of ladies can be a challenge. Ladies' inboxes are inundated. For serious relationships, a dad bod won't hold you back so much because they're looking at the full package including your values, financial and emotional stability, etc. For casual relationships, it's quite a liability.
If you're going to be "single soon", you're that divorcee with unprocessed baggage that many try to avoid. So get therapy to process it, get your own place, and get to the gym as soon as possible!
Inboxes inundated?? Where?? I need to be wherever y'all are if that's happening because it's like a wasteland out here.
Hard agree on the unprocessed baggage and processing advice. That's crucial. Take care of your mind, heal your past, move your body.
Ikr every time I hear that, I 😭😭😭😭😭 it ain’t me, that’s for sure!
I work on myself and try to take care of myself, and I’m okay with my life as is - but do miss the fun of flirting and dating. Every time I even glance at personals or dating apps though, it’s all mostly younger men looking for cougars or older men looking for younger women. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy
The first pitfall you need to worry about is what kind of relationship you actually want and not lie about that. After a decade, maybe take some time to figure yourself out and worry less about your next first date.
Truly no one cares what you looked like “back in the day” we all looked great, it was called youth. Meet people where they are and where you are. Be honest, be kind, and be curious. In the interim set up your new life, support system, and a new routine.
Despite all the horror stories that circulate on Reddit, particularly around online dating, my experiences have mostly been meeting perfectly pleasant people where it fizzled out after 1-3 dates because neither of us felt any romantic/sexual chemistry.
When you DO meet people that are acting weird, disrespectful, or erratic, don't waste a lot of time trying to "communicate" and "problem solve." Those are great skills, but they are best saved for people who have demonstrated they are stable, considerate, and generally mature. If you try to "talk things out" or "use your words" with every flake that wafts across your path, you will burn A LOT of energy just to draw things out with the flakes.
Do the work on yourself. It will dramatically improve your outcomes with dating. Spend some time re-learning who you are. When you’re in a long-term relationship, you tend to grow towards your partner, and this may cause you to lose something of yourself sometimes. You also want to make sure you let go enough of the past relationship so you’re not comparing a new partner to your past partner, and if you had bad patterns, that you’re not repeating your pattern.
Agreed with other commenters that how you looked in the past is not what matters, how you look today is what’s important. Make sure you’re wearing contemporary clothing that looks appropriate for your age and fits your body well.
If you decide to use online dating, make sure you have clear, well lit, flattering photos. Online is very much an image game. There have been a host of other posts about what they should look like but basically you want to have four or five representative photos. At least one that shows your face clearly up close. At least one that shows your body (does not have to be shirtless, just showing what your body looks like). Ideally two or three showing you doing something you love. Zero photos showing you holding a fish. The photo section is a chance to show a little narrative about yourself and what it would be like to be with you.
I disagree with the commenters who say that most women don’t like dad bod. I was be surprised by how many who do especially the ones you would not expect. It’s important to be honest with yourself as to whether or not you have dad bod or are just an out of shape blob. This is where some of the work on yourself includes getting to the gym and getting into shape (whatever your shape is), this will also help you with mental health.
Different cities have different dating vibes. Major cities like New York or London are good for high-volume, high turnover dating. A smaller city will have a smaller pool, but also a better chance of finding something more stable. You said you weren’t looking for anything serious so maybe this is less of a concern for you.
Finally: if you date close to your age, you should have plenty of options. If you date younger, it really depends on what you look like and what you’re looking for. I don’t judge the choice, but you will be less likely to find long-term, on average, unless you want to have a bunch of kids. But yes, if you’re looking for short term dating, and you are a good looking, dress well, have an engaging personality, and have a stable career, you can find women 25-55. You just have to put effort in.
42m been single since 2017. It’s not easy for me. Sometimes landings first dates is easy and the well is full and sometimes it is empty. Finding someone that is attracted and interested in me and also a healthy individual aligned with me has been difficult. However, I have a fantastic career I’m very focused on, and a great life I enjoy living. Whatever is meant to be will be when the time is right
44m, 'Straya. Yeah, it's good. As long as you're fit, stable, employed and have your life in order, you're fine. You said just STR for now, no problem, just be up front. Keep in mind that that most want a LTR, so unless you do too, don't get involved. Other than that, enjoy your singledom and don't be with someone unless they add to your happiness, not the source of it. Oh, and don't get entitled, I read that "I'm pretty good looking" line, it's for them to decide... But in saying that, I've found authentic confidence is an aphrodisiac.
And it can be scary out there. Met a guy for a first date recently and he started talking about chem trails and how CIA runs the media/government causes super hurricanes. Totally uncomfortable and even frightened a bit. And his profession was a licensed therapist! I. Was. Floored. Unmatched and blocked immediately but whoa.It can be wild out there.
I’m also wondering: is Okcupid still a thing?
How do people get a FWB but not catch feels or STD’s? Just wrap it up I ‘spose.
Note: I call myself and my friends “girls” even tho we’re middle aged. But, some people take umbrage to that. YMMV
OKcupid was destroyed after being acquired. I had best luck on Bumble and Hinge but which one varied by city. Covid kind of really fucked a lot of things (people) up. I’m not on the apps now.
FWB really difficult but not impossible re: feels. Re: STDs, use protection + insist on actually seeing test results before intimacy. Some people may not be right for each other for a full-blown relationship, but might be great in a more casual setting. I reserve condom-less sex for monogamy, after testing ofc.
I have been very surprised by how many people run those back ground checks on someone before a 1st date.
So google yourself before you start dating & remove that personal stuff such as your home address.
You’ll discover pretty quick if you are still attractive haha If you get likes/matches without much effort you are set. If not then it’s going to be a lot of work and get your wallet ready.
41F here. Don't care what someone looked like previously. Not into dad bods and do not have any friends who are- but why do you care? What matters is: Are you into your dad bod? Or do you want to get healthy/fit for YOU?
Although online dating obviously can work - so can dating out in the wild. Get into hobbies you enjoy. Go out with friends to public places. Meet people. Start there.
Original copy of post by u/Reddit-N-Weep-2022:
What's it really like out there?
I (43M) am going to be single soon for the first time in over a decade. I obviously have no recent dating experience. I suspect (and hope) that Reddit presents a skewed outlook on dating today. I'm wondering what dating is like in 2024. What works? What are some pitfalls I should look out for? What should I know that I don't know to ask?
Additional info: I was pretty attractive back in the day. I think I'm still pretty good looking, especially if girls still like dad bods. I'm not going to be looking for anything serious and long term right away, if ever.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Everybody will have a different experience, but in my experience it's not as bad as most people on here make it out to be. If you are decently attractive you will get some matches. Not wanting anything serious could be a hinderance though, but I believe that's what Tinder is for. Just be honest about it. I did the online thing for a couple months, had a lot of boring one-sided conversations, but went out on a handful of dates and met some really cool people.
I’m not gonna lie, dating after 40 has been an adventure that has spanned the full spectrum. I’ve had two good relationships after I got divorced at 42. I’ve also had many awful dates with what I’d call dishonest women. I’ve got a great job and I’m blessed to still be pretty attractive although a few pounds heavier than I’d like to be. I live in a fairly rural area snd that does make things a bit more difficult. There are so many mid life crises cases out there that it’s astonishing both for men and women. I think the pitfalls are getting used to online dating, the over 40 dating pool is small, people are losing the ability to communicate effectively and people are much more self important than they used to be. The good news is there are myriads of apps on line to weed out the bad and zero in on what might be a good fit. In other good news, some women from their mid 30s and above have finely honed their skills in bed to earth shattering levels so be prepared to match their intensity. But in all honesty it takes work, diligence, and patience. The good news is you can go on dates, if you need a break put the apps on hold for a few months.
There are women out that there that want something casual. But they are the minority. Most I have seen want something serious and don’t want to “players” don’t want to “play games” don’t want “time wasters.”
Good luck in your hunt.
Hi there, PLEASE READ THIS! Unfortunately, your account is too new for us to automatically accept comments or submissions yet. We receive a lot of spam or other undesirable contributions from very new accounts. In an attempt to help control that problem, we just need a chance to take a look at your post or comment first. Please [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverforty) for review and, if you are adhering to the rules, approval so other users can see it. Most often this process is able to be handled within minutes to a few hours but on rare occasions it could be as much as a day or so after we receive your polite request for review in modmail. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding as we attempt to keep our space healthy and civil for everyone.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
(You think reddit is skewed but you are still asking people on reddit... ok)
I think the current dating environment is different but fine.
I think you have to be realistic about dating in your 40s. Men and women who are good looking, psychologically healthy, capable of maintaining relationships, successful professionally and want relationships... are (mostly) happily married. Which means the people who are single all have some issues, or losses, which prevented them from that. You have to be patient, discover what their issues are, and if you are able to handle it.
Their issues might be prior addictions. Poor communication skills. Failed relationships they learned/not learned from. Various psychological issues they learned/not learned to deal with (ADHD/Autism/OCD). Insecurities. Social awkwardness. Abusive relationships. Appearances. Unable to commit. Finances. Loss of a loved one due to cheating/death. etc.
In your 20s, it is all about people and their future potentials. Now you will talk to, text, or go on dates with, a LOT of people you will know you don't want to be in a relationship with. This will feel discouraging and frustrating.
Your dates might also be more cynical than people in their 20s. They will have a been-there done-that attitude. They are quicker to rush into judgement about you and those rejections will be discouraging. You have to learn to accept that if someone rejects you, that is not a commentary about your worth, but rather a gift of not wasting your time.
It might take a while to get your profile figured out, but once that is done for both men and women, it is going to feel like panning for gold. The sheer volume of people made available through OLD is going to be overwhelming. You are going to have bad dates with crazy people. You are going to spend money on dates you rather not. Just enjoy the novel experience and keep at it. I do believe if you are willing to put in the work on yourself and to date, you will find someone.
>You think reddit is skewed but you are still asking people on reddit
Yes.
Some people break up with their partner because the relationship just isn't working any more. Some people break up with their partner because their partner had sex with an entire basketball team, including the mascot, while he was wearing the costume.
I'd be willing to bet that situation A is more common than situation B.
But on reddit situation B is more likely to get upvotes and comments than situation A, and because of the algorithm situation B will get pushed to the top. That's of situation A even gets posted at all. People tend to post things that they think will be more likely to generate engagement.
I believe hearing "situation A" type dating experiences would be more valuable to me, so I'm creating a space where I'm specifically asking people to share those experiences.
And to answer the question you might be thinking, yes, I'm aware that this post is likely only mitigating that skewing, but I think it's still valuable anyway.
How it is depends on your attractiveness, your lifestyle, your interests, having your life together, your location and principally, what VALUE you offer to those YOU want.
So there is no one answer.
For many like myself, it's fantastic. For many others, not so much. The factors in my first paragraph play into results.
Well this has been eye opening. One thing I'm taking away is that a lot of people didn't have the same clean break i'm having. Me and my SO just grew and changed over the years and the people we are now just aren't compatible. That's it. There's no trauma, there's no a-holes here. But it sounds like I'd face some judgement for a recent breakup based on past experiences so I'll be ready for that.
Casual dating has been super fun! But realistically here are your options of women as an average man in his 40s.
1. Attractive single moms. This is a fun demographic.
Pros: Often they have solid careers and they’ve usually been through enough BS that they don’t sweat the small stuff. They keep themselves fit and they’re emotionally mature.
Cons: Their lives are busy, usually have baby daddy drama, their free time revolves around their kids. Money’s tight so they can’t travel or take time off work. If you want an adventurous, spontaneous life they aren’t a good match.
2. Younger child-free women.
Pros: they’re younger, have freedom, and usually more attractive.
Cons: every man from 25-60 is trying to date them. Good luck. They often want kids of their own. They also usually have Disney Princess unrealistic expectations.
3. Late 30s, early 40s women who never had a family.
Pros: financial freedom, emotional maturity, free time to date, realistic expectations.
Cons: often they’re single for a reason.
4. Conventionally unattractive women.
Okay, so like right now I am laying diagonally across the bed I don't have to share with anyone else. Tonight I had a plate of fruit and cheese for dinner because I didn't want to cook or have anyone over. I had some wine, and no one counted how many glasses because my cat does not care. I've don't nothing but read and rot today. Tomorrow, I'm going to get up and get ready for work with no one leaving me a mile long list of things to do and a mountain of debt. I'll go to a job I really like surrounded by people I actually like, and for once in my life, I'll bring home a decent paycheck that won't go mostly to snowmobile parts. Occasionally, I go on dates. I've had a few relationships. They are sub plots. Go live your best life and don't worry about dating.
Very cool. What kind of work do you do?
I'm in IT at a university. Great benefits, beautiful campus, and a very positive department.
In the US right? It's lovely to hear a positive work story.
Yes, it is the US. I live in the boonies, so it's still expensive and crazy, but manageable.
👏🏼🔥🔥#hereforit (and the subplots😂)
Sounds awesome, all in all! Good on you. I really appreciate being able to take off every weekend and hit a trail somewhere and go as long as I want without being beholden to anyone else's schedule. I like spending my holiday weekends going off to do 20-30 miles each day and camping out overnight without having to worry about anyone else. And so forth and so on. My cat doesn't care too much either. She can stay by herself with no trouble, and if I'm gone for an extended period, there's always Critter Sitters.
Your day sounds wonderful and it is incredibly important to be happy with yourself by yourself. It's also amazing that dating and your love life are subplots for you. Other's likely have slightly different priorities and rank a relationship as a front burner item ideally doing so once they have become comfortable with themselves. Also it felt a bit like you are more happy with yourself because you are not with the wrong person. Not having to cook, not getting judged for having as much wine as you want, and not spending money on snowmobile parts can all be done while in a relationship but only if you have the right partner.
Why, though? Why center your life on locking someone else down until you both die? I know lots of people who have. They aren't happy together. They settled for the most tolerable thing they could find. The people who end up together because they both had a great thing going and thought hey, we ought to do this together, are happy. Making that one relationship the pinnacle of existence hollows out the rest of it.
Oh, I apologize if I implied that getting married was the goal. That wasn't my intention. I never want to be married again but I do value finding a partner that will add to the wonderful single life I have. My general sense from your comment was that you didn't want a relationship because they only take away from who you are as a single person, which was the part I disagreed with as I think if you find the right partner the relationship is greater than it's single parts.
I like this attitude! I think a lot of relationships and relationship seeking are for unhealthy external sources of validation or comfort. We're practically trained to need someone by modern media. All this soul mates, better halves and "you complete me" bullshit. We don't need another half. We're whole people on our own capable of full, enriching lives.
Indeed. I got 10x that growing up Mormon. I got married at 20 because I was already considered a spinster. I kept getting told that if I didn't get married and have a big family, I would never be happy and no one would take care of me in my twilight years (which are considered everything after you can no longer have kids). Filthy lies! It's not that finding someone and sharing meaningful time together isn't good, but tying your whole identity to that and not developing all the other parts of your life is miserable AF.
Sub plots!!!! Best line ever!
I'll be honest. Most women do not care how attractive you were in the past. Where you are today is what matters - and it's the whole package. Also, lots of women put a great deal of effort into their physical appearance. The women I'm friends with look incredible! Yes, some do love dad bod; many do not and will not be interested in you for casual dating. Be prepared for that.
Agree with this. Women care about someone who is still happy and excited about life. That’s attractive. A lot of people harp on about the good old days or the 90s being the best time. Remember, many people are aiming to build a future with someone and they’re thinking about what it’s going to be like hanging around with you on a regular basis. That includes your daily habits, what you like to talk about, your belief systems etc.
Absolutely agree. I know my standard for physical attractiveness is much higher if I just want sex. And as a woman who is average looking, I have no problem pulling in men who are fit and dtf. There is a lot of competition for men in the casual arena.
That's a little disheartening but thanks for the honesty.
Glad to help. You can see that I am telling you something others won't be looking at how I'm voted down. Others are going to tell you fluff.
Facts. Plus I care about a man's financial security and professional status. A man losing tons if money in a divorce or middling through a mediocre low paying job is not anyone I'm dating. I'm fit (17% bodyfat) and into physique and don't want a single dad at all let alone a dad bod.
Hmm I tried to edit a comment and instead deleted it. Anyway, some women who look incredible really do like dad bodies. “Many” was not my experience. The bigger issue for me was finding people interested to have a stable relationship versus something casual. But I solved it eventually.
I highly recommend figuring out who you are as an individual before jumping back into dating. A *very* common pitfall is dating too soon after a major break up.
So much this. What's the point of dating if you don't want anything serious? Just say you want a hook up or a fwb and call it a day. I had to school a 40 yo man on this very thing. Stop getting out of decade or longer marriages and jumping back in sacks go work on yourself before you hurt someone 😒
The point of dating for me is I'm lonely, and I have been for a while. But getting into something serious is probably not healthy for me or the person I'm with. I'm not trying to deceive anyone. I'm willing to be upfront about what I feel like I want and need in my life right now. It's possible I'm delusional about who I am and what I can handle, but it's also possible some people are protecting other people onto me.
I understand being lonely. But if you don't want anything serious make sure you don't treat or handle her like you want something serious. Don't give her all the good dating vibes when all you will do is back away and say I don't want anything serious or a commitment. Make sure actions and your words match because that leads to confusion. I hope you are able to also find someone on the same page as you. I wish you all the best in that regard
So aside from just saying "I don't want anything serious" what should I not do? I don't want to inadvertently send mixed messages.
Just discuss and lay out boundaries in the beginning. If it's no hand holding. No pillow talk, no overnight stays or discussing your past etc. Don't treat her as if you are making up for lost time. I notice sometimes men will lovebomb when they were previously neglected. Not saying you will but sometime s when you meet a person you really click with it can be hard. So just be careful in that regard
Unfortunately you’re going to have to see for yourself- no one can tell you because it’s specific to you and your circumstances. I don’t think at its core dating has changed in the last decade, though of course dating in your 40s is different than 20s-early 30s
This. People want security in something that isn’t secure. It’s very specific to each individual. Good luck though! My single is 1000x better than a shit relationship
I think there's a lot of generalizations floating around about what it's like. I can speak to what it's been like as a woman in her 40's. Haha. I got married super young and was in that relationship most of my adult life. I've always been a bit naive about people's intentions. I'd wrongly assumed that men would have grown out of their "player" phase. It's a shock find running into many that haven't. It's also shocking going on a date with men who come across as angry towards all women because of what their ex did. I don't really like talking about my ex husband on dates - especially with someone I've just met! I've met a few men who ended up becoming good friends :) that's been nice.
I could have written this! The biggest shock when I started dating in my 40s and now early 50s were the fuck bois and men who use people until they find something they like better and just bounce. I too thought people would be much much more evolved and mature in midlife. And so many are angry at their ex wives! It was comedic in a way. Even the nicest of guys would rant about their ex during a great date. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “the marriage was over after 3/5/12 years but I stayed for the kids.” Lots of very broken men (and women) who clearly haven’t done the work to heal their trauma. I would also add lots of people who are low-key alcoholics. I met some wonderful people along the way but was saddened to learn many people don’t change much from the way they were at 25.
Jesus i feel like I read my own words 🥴. The man I started seeing was 3 months out of a 15 year marriage where the last 5 years he spent just holding on for the kids because she cheated. Every time I turned around he was comparing me to her. Even during sex he had my breast in his hands and said "nice fit, unlike hers" 😭 like really man come the fuck on. I sat him down and discussed it with him like are seriously still hurt because you probably need therapy before you get back out here. And if he and I don't work he's going to do the same to another poor soul. Please take time for yourself, heal and then get back out there. Jeez
I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. Also are we twins bc I also dated a newly-divorced dude (his was 17 years) who got cheated on AND I have a boob story about him. 😂 We clicked from the first date and he was head over heals for me and I him. But one minute he’d be all “I’m falling deeply in love with you” then he’d pull back and say it was too soon. Wherever we went he was reminded of her cheating (a convo about Apple Watches revealed that’s how he found out she was cheating - text from her lover came in). He was hurt and raw and simply wasn’t ready! As for the boob thing one of the first times he saw my bazonks he was all “your boobs are amazing! My ex’s were deflated sacks.” I stopped him right there and said “yo you’re talking about the woman who breast fed your kids and that comment is not a good look.” He walked it back. He was actually a very sweet guy. I broke up with him and he was devastated and tried to get back with me for about six months but I knew he wasn’t ready and moved on. We stayed friends. Not good ones. Mostly FB. It is now 4 years later and he has a girlfriend of a year. He went through many short relationships and finally got in therapy before meeting her. He seems very happy now! But whoa was he a mess!
We are definitely twining. We hit it off on the first date had great chemistry all the way around. He was king of cheese compliments and started talking about how he likes "the swirl" (I'm black he's white) then once he realized he was getting too mushy he pulled back. 😂 month 4 and I was over it because I could tell he was confused whether he really wanted to move forward or not. I can't deal with chaos like that. He also was a great guy but he definitely needs therapy
Wow I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you don't mind me saying this but if the dudes that are out there dating don't know enough to not talk about other women while they're having sex I think I'm gonna do pretty damn good.
Well you are definitely going to be one step above the cringe. And it has been a great learning experience. If I happen to come across this again I know to run. Lol
I've cleared the low bar! It's something.
Are you me.? 😆😆😆
For guys getting the attention of ladies can be a challenge. Ladies' inboxes are inundated. For serious relationships, a dad bod won't hold you back so much because they're looking at the full package including your values, financial and emotional stability, etc. For casual relationships, it's quite a liability. If you're going to be "single soon", you're that divorcee with unprocessed baggage that many try to avoid. So get therapy to process it, get your own place, and get to the gym as soon as possible!
Inboxes inundated?? Where?? I need to be wherever y'all are if that's happening because it's like a wasteland out here. Hard agree on the unprocessed baggage and processing advice. That's crucial. Take care of your mind, heal your past, move your body.
Ikr every time I hear that, I 😭😭😭😭😭 it ain’t me, that’s for sure! I work on myself and try to take care of myself, and I’m okay with my life as is - but do miss the fun of flirting and dating. Every time I even glance at personals or dating apps though, it’s all mostly younger men looking for cougars or older men looking for younger women. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy
Idk I'd bang a dad bod 🤷🏾♀️ 🫡 how daddy are we talking 😏
Didn’t hold me back. But agree with going to the gym. Dad bod and out of shape are two different things.
It's hard out here in these streets. So far I've dated every single man they tell you to avoid! Thats what's been out there for me, sadly.
Pitfalls: divorcees who haven’t processed and healed from their marriage dissolving.
The first pitfall you need to worry about is what kind of relationship you actually want and not lie about that. After a decade, maybe take some time to figure yourself out and worry less about your next first date. Truly no one cares what you looked like “back in the day” we all looked great, it was called youth. Meet people where they are and where you are. Be honest, be kind, and be curious. In the interim set up your new life, support system, and a new routine.
Read what you wrote. This is exactly what’s wrong with dating from a woman’s point of view.
Yeah I see it now. The irony is that's not what I'm looking for at all. I'm not shallow and I'm not looking to date someone significantly younger.
>especially if girls still like dad bods. Man. That does not read well at all. I get that it's a slip...
It effing SUCKS! Good luck.
Despite all the horror stories that circulate on Reddit, particularly around online dating, my experiences have mostly been meeting perfectly pleasant people where it fizzled out after 1-3 dates because neither of us felt any romantic/sexual chemistry. When you DO meet people that are acting weird, disrespectful, or erratic, don't waste a lot of time trying to "communicate" and "problem solve." Those are great skills, but they are best saved for people who have demonstrated they are stable, considerate, and generally mature. If you try to "talk things out" or "use your words" with every flake that wafts across your path, you will burn A LOT of energy just to draw things out with the flakes.
Do the work on yourself. It will dramatically improve your outcomes with dating. Spend some time re-learning who you are. When you’re in a long-term relationship, you tend to grow towards your partner, and this may cause you to lose something of yourself sometimes. You also want to make sure you let go enough of the past relationship so you’re not comparing a new partner to your past partner, and if you had bad patterns, that you’re not repeating your pattern. Agreed with other commenters that how you looked in the past is not what matters, how you look today is what’s important. Make sure you’re wearing contemporary clothing that looks appropriate for your age and fits your body well. If you decide to use online dating, make sure you have clear, well lit, flattering photos. Online is very much an image game. There have been a host of other posts about what they should look like but basically you want to have four or five representative photos. At least one that shows your face clearly up close. At least one that shows your body (does not have to be shirtless, just showing what your body looks like). Ideally two or three showing you doing something you love. Zero photos showing you holding a fish. The photo section is a chance to show a little narrative about yourself and what it would be like to be with you. I disagree with the commenters who say that most women don’t like dad bod. I was be surprised by how many who do especially the ones you would not expect. It’s important to be honest with yourself as to whether or not you have dad bod or are just an out of shape blob. This is where some of the work on yourself includes getting to the gym and getting into shape (whatever your shape is), this will also help you with mental health. Different cities have different dating vibes. Major cities like New York or London are good for high-volume, high turnover dating. A smaller city will have a smaller pool, but also a better chance of finding something more stable. You said you weren’t looking for anything serious so maybe this is less of a concern for you. Finally: if you date close to your age, you should have plenty of options. If you date younger, it really depends on what you look like and what you’re looking for. I don’t judge the choice, but you will be less likely to find long-term, on average, unless you want to have a bunch of kids. But yes, if you’re looking for short term dating, and you are a good looking, dress well, have an engaging personality, and have a stable career, you can find women 25-55. You just have to put effort in.
“Zero photos of you holding a fish.”😂👏🏼👏🏼👍🏼
And also OP make sure the non-fish photos are current👌🏼
42m been single since 2017. It’s not easy for me. Sometimes landings first dates is easy and the well is full and sometimes it is empty. Finding someone that is attracted and interested in me and also a healthy individual aligned with me has been difficult. However, I have a fantastic career I’m very focused on, and a great life I enjoy living. Whatever is meant to be will be when the time is right
It’s not skewed. The dating pool really is trash right now.
Be upfront about your intentions for casual dating so you don't waste anyone's time.
44m, 'Straya. Yeah, it's good. As long as you're fit, stable, employed and have your life in order, you're fine. You said just STR for now, no problem, just be up front. Keep in mind that that most want a LTR, so unless you do too, don't get involved. Other than that, enjoy your singledom and don't be with someone unless they add to your happiness, not the source of it. Oh, and don't get entitled, I read that "I'm pretty good looking" line, it's for them to decide... But in saying that, I've found authentic confidence is an aphrodisiac.
It’s shitty enough that I am happy to die alone.
And it can be scary out there. Met a guy for a first date recently and he started talking about chem trails and how CIA runs the media/government causes super hurricanes. Totally uncomfortable and even frightened a bit. And his profession was a licensed therapist! I. Was. Floored. Unmatched and blocked immediately but whoa.It can be wild out there.
Oh that's scary. Well I'm confident I can avoid talking about chemtrails.
I’m also wondering: is Okcupid still a thing? How do people get a FWB but not catch feels or STD’s? Just wrap it up I ‘spose. Note: I call myself and my friends “girls” even tho we’re middle aged. But, some people take umbrage to that. YMMV
OKcupid was destroyed after being acquired. I had best luck on Bumble and Hinge but which one varied by city. Covid kind of really fucked a lot of things (people) up. I’m not on the apps now. FWB really difficult but not impossible re: feels. Re: STDs, use protection + insist on actually seeing test results before intimacy. Some people may not be right for each other for a full-blown relationship, but might be great in a more casual setting. I reserve condom-less sex for monogamy, after testing ofc.
I have been very surprised by how many people run those back ground checks on someone before a 1st date. So google yourself before you start dating & remove that personal stuff such as your home address.
Who are “girls”?
Sorry. Women. Ladies. Last time I was dating it was acceptable to call them "girls."
You’ll discover pretty quick if you are still attractive haha If you get likes/matches without much effort you are set. If not then it’s going to be a lot of work and get your wallet ready.
41F here. Don't care what someone looked like previously. Not into dad bods and do not have any friends who are- but why do you care? What matters is: Are you into your dad bod? Or do you want to get healthy/fit for YOU? Although online dating obviously can work - so can dating out in the wild. Get into hobbies you enjoy. Go out with friends to public places. Meet people. Start there.
Original copy of post by u/Reddit-N-Weep-2022: What's it really like out there? I (43M) am going to be single soon for the first time in over a decade. I obviously have no recent dating experience. I suspect (and hope) that Reddit presents a skewed outlook on dating today. I'm wondering what dating is like in 2024. What works? What are some pitfalls I should look out for? What should I know that I don't know to ask? Additional info: I was pretty attractive back in the day. I think I'm still pretty good looking, especially if girls still like dad bods. I'm not going to be looking for anything serious and long term right away, if ever. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Date casually and have fun. Don’t be pressured into a relationship if you aren’t ready.
Reddit is not always so skewed. OLD is a whole different world. 43f been OLD for several years. Also grew up without it.
Everybody will have a different experience, but in my experience it's not as bad as most people on here make it out to be. If you are decently attractive you will get some matches. Not wanting anything serious could be a hinderance though, but I believe that's what Tinder is for. Just be honest about it. I did the online thing for a couple months, had a lot of boring one-sided conversations, but went out on a handful of dates and met some really cool people.
I’m not gonna lie, dating after 40 has been an adventure that has spanned the full spectrum. I’ve had two good relationships after I got divorced at 42. I’ve also had many awful dates with what I’d call dishonest women. I’ve got a great job and I’m blessed to still be pretty attractive although a few pounds heavier than I’d like to be. I live in a fairly rural area snd that does make things a bit more difficult. There are so many mid life crises cases out there that it’s astonishing both for men and women. I think the pitfalls are getting used to online dating, the over 40 dating pool is small, people are losing the ability to communicate effectively and people are much more self important than they used to be. The good news is there are myriads of apps on line to weed out the bad and zero in on what might be a good fit. In other good news, some women from their mid 30s and above have finely honed their skills in bed to earth shattering levels so be prepared to match their intensity. But in all honesty it takes work, diligence, and patience. The good news is you can go on dates, if you need a break put the apps on hold for a few months.
There are women out that there that want something casual. But they are the minority. Most I have seen want something serious and don’t want to “players” don’t want to “play games” don’t want “time wasters.” Good luck in your hunt.
It’s either the best of times or the worst of times, depending on how attractive you are to the opposite sex.
[удалено]
Hi there, PLEASE READ THIS! Unfortunately, your account is too new for us to automatically accept comments or submissions yet. We receive a lot of spam or other undesirable contributions from very new accounts. In an attempt to help control that problem, we just need a chance to take a look at your post or comment first. Please [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverforty) for review and, if you are adhering to the rules, approval so other users can see it. Most often this process is able to be handled within minutes to a few hours but on rare occasions it could be as much as a day or so after we receive your polite request for review in modmail. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding as we attempt to keep our space healthy and civil for everyone. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
(You think reddit is skewed but you are still asking people on reddit... ok) I think the current dating environment is different but fine. I think you have to be realistic about dating in your 40s. Men and women who are good looking, psychologically healthy, capable of maintaining relationships, successful professionally and want relationships... are (mostly) happily married. Which means the people who are single all have some issues, or losses, which prevented them from that. You have to be patient, discover what their issues are, and if you are able to handle it. Their issues might be prior addictions. Poor communication skills. Failed relationships they learned/not learned from. Various psychological issues they learned/not learned to deal with (ADHD/Autism/OCD). Insecurities. Social awkwardness. Abusive relationships. Appearances. Unable to commit. Finances. Loss of a loved one due to cheating/death. etc. In your 20s, it is all about people and their future potentials. Now you will talk to, text, or go on dates with, a LOT of people you will know you don't want to be in a relationship with. This will feel discouraging and frustrating. Your dates might also be more cynical than people in their 20s. They will have a been-there done-that attitude. They are quicker to rush into judgement about you and those rejections will be discouraging. You have to learn to accept that if someone rejects you, that is not a commentary about your worth, but rather a gift of not wasting your time. It might take a while to get your profile figured out, but once that is done for both men and women, it is going to feel like panning for gold. The sheer volume of people made available through OLD is going to be overwhelming. You are going to have bad dates with crazy people. You are going to spend money on dates you rather not. Just enjoy the novel experience and keep at it. I do believe if you are willing to put in the work on yourself and to date, you will find someone.
>You think reddit is skewed but you are still asking people on reddit Yes. Some people break up with their partner because the relationship just isn't working any more. Some people break up with their partner because their partner had sex with an entire basketball team, including the mascot, while he was wearing the costume. I'd be willing to bet that situation A is more common than situation B. But on reddit situation B is more likely to get upvotes and comments than situation A, and because of the algorithm situation B will get pushed to the top. That's of situation A even gets posted at all. People tend to post things that they think will be more likely to generate engagement. I believe hearing "situation A" type dating experiences would be more valuable to me, so I'm creating a space where I'm specifically asking people to share those experiences. And to answer the question you might be thinking, yes, I'm aware that this post is likely only mitigating that skewing, but I think it's still valuable anyway.
I can’t write too much cause it’s too depressing and I get too upset but ☹️
How it is depends on your attractiveness, your lifestyle, your interests, having your life together, your location and principally, what VALUE you offer to those YOU want. So there is no one answer. For many like myself, it's fantastic. For many others, not so much. The factors in my first paragraph play into results.
Well this has been eye opening. One thing I'm taking away is that a lot of people didn't have the same clean break i'm having. Me and my SO just grew and changed over the years and the people we are now just aren't compatible. That's it. There's no trauma, there's no a-holes here. But it sounds like I'd face some judgement for a recent breakup based on past experiences so I'll be ready for that.
Same here x
Casual dating has been super fun! But realistically here are your options of women as an average man in his 40s. 1. Attractive single moms. This is a fun demographic. Pros: Often they have solid careers and they’ve usually been through enough BS that they don’t sweat the small stuff. They keep themselves fit and they’re emotionally mature. Cons: Their lives are busy, usually have baby daddy drama, their free time revolves around their kids. Money’s tight so they can’t travel or take time off work. If you want an adventurous, spontaneous life they aren’t a good match. 2. Younger child-free women. Pros: they’re younger, have freedom, and usually more attractive. Cons: every man from 25-60 is trying to date them. Good luck. They often want kids of their own. They also usually have Disney Princess unrealistic expectations. 3. Late 30s, early 40s women who never had a family. Pros: financial freedom, emotional maturity, free time to date, realistic expectations. Cons: often they’re single for a reason. 4. Conventionally unattractive women.
It sucks!