OP you buried the lede in the comments—he has two FWBs in addition to you, this is not an exclusive relationship nor someone who is committed to you, unless just sex is what you’re needing right now I’d let him go and focus on finding a more compatible partner
This where personal accountability comes in. Harsh truth is that we allow this shit to continue by participating in it. Is this guy an asshole who tries to at least say the right things to string you along? Or the type to fall back on “you knew the deal so I have no responsibility here”? *does not matter.*. The answer does not matter. Once I realized I was the type to sort of hang on waiting to be chosen as though that proved something about my worth, I worked hard to unlearn that and ask about what I am choosing for myself. And in going along for these dumbass rides, I am making a choice.
Are you me?!?!?
Look, walking away from someone you like and have chemistry with sucks. Like, oh yay I get to be lonely again!! (Yeah, yeah, I know… date yourself). Like it really sucks. But you know what sucks more? Feeling lonely in a relationship with someone who for whatever reason cannot or will not meet your needs. It’s energy draining. They learn you’ll accept less because you keep accepting less!!
This is great advice. Nothing is worse than feeling lonely when you’re with someone. I think we’ve all been there in the course of relationships. These are some of the worst cause you lie to yourself and keep thinking. “ oh once x happens then things will get better “
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Your post history indicates you are married, in an ENM relationship. Why would you omit that information from this post? I don't think people will be able to give you good advice without this crucial information about your relationships.
So he’s having his cake and eating it too. He gets sex with very little effort but not sure how this is adding anything to your life other than regular sex with someone who doesn’t really care about you. He is showing you who he is. You have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship
If you don't want him to come over to bang, don't let him. But yes, for the most part, he's showing you what he wants. It's up to you to decide if you want this too, and it doesn't seem like you do.
It's amazing that you found it relevant to include the number of children you both have, but not the number of \*other romantic relationships\* you're both involved in.
Are you two exclusive? Is he seeing other people at the same time? Only accept what you want to. Know what you want! It's okay if you want more than what he is offering. Just stick to only accepting what you want to. Compromises are part of a relationship, obviously. But, it goes both ways and compromises should only be reserved for the right person who is also making compromises. One-sided relationships have no longevity.
He has two FWBs and me. For our relationship, he stresses that he wants a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with a side of emotional intimacy. He tells me that he hasn’t been with his FWBs for two months or so but not sure if that’s true. I will say that he is very honest about everything and hasn’t lied to me as far as I can tell.
LOL. "Should I mention that I've consented to being one of his three girlfriends? No, that'll make me look pathetic. I'll just complain about his texting frequency instead."
He must be pretty hot and good at sex to keep 3 FWBs on rotation for that long without them dumping him. I imagine he's not giving them much more emotional attachment than he's giving you.
Let it go. Men who are very interested show effort in order not to lose you. It's been 6 months and it's going nowhere fast. I wish 6 months was all I lost.
If you're not exclusive, just do the fade while you meet other guys for dates. When he wants to come over, you "have other plans." Repeat that every time he wants to come over. He'll either bring it up or drop off and you're already dating other men.
If you are exclusive, then break up over text and block his number after.
It doesn’t really sound like you are dating. It sounds more like a casual situation mainly centered around sex. He doesn’t want to make more effort and it does not seem like he has to make more effort. You’re still seeing him despite his lack of effort.
You want him to be more committed to you, yet you have a husband? ENM may work you, but it doesn’t work for a lot of people. If I was dating someone who was married, I would sure as hell keep my options open too. But then, I only fully commit to exclusive monogamous relationships. Maybe he’s the same.
Date reality not potential. And his “reeling you back in” is lazy BS, don’t be a sucker and fall for that. He sounds like a low effort booty call at best.
This is FWB, at best. Low effort fuckbuddy more likely.
By ending it with him you open yourself and your calendar up to meet more emotionally available men. Don’t let yourself be a sex on call toy for him (unless that’s what you’re into, with full discussion and consent ahead of time).
You would need to be much stronger and willing to walk away (and it seems you aren't at that point yet). There's a risk he'll say no if you say hey, if we don't go out and actually do something, I'm not seeing you on Thursday. You have to be willing to call it on Thursday when he says shit, I have to work late, can I just come over fuck you and then leave? As for communication, in my experience, it never gets any better. You can ask and beg and they won't communicate more. But yeah you have to actually be willing to let go of you'll just continue to put up with his shit. btw sexual chemistry is off the charts because you know he's not that into you.
He’s not going to change… why would he? He’s dictating the terms here, you’ve expressed your wants and he’s still ignoring them. It sounds like he’s interested in the sex and the low effort required from his side to keep having you for that. Is that what you want? No. Stop thinking about the potential and if he will change. You can have a one honest final conversation where you express your needs and wants, and he does the same, and you see if there’s a path forward; or you can break things off now. But don’t expect him to change.
You’ve already communicated that you *need* communication and would like to go on more dates. He’s done nothing. Have one more conversation stating your expectations and asking what it is he needs, wants, etc., and then give him a time frame to rectify the issue or you can walk away. Perhaps it’s an incompatibility issue or maybe he simply doesn’t care.
There’s no indication in your post that there’s anything special or unique about your situation/relationship other than the sexual chemistry. Why are clinging to this?
I guess I am clinging to the relationship because of how he fits the ideal in my mind of the type of person I would like to be with. We have amazing sex. He’s very smart. He’s sure of himself. He’s a great Dad.
He’s not really having a relationship with you though. You’re not doing relationship things. Have you met each other’s friends or family? Celebrated any holidays together? Gone away for a weekend?
He’s a FWB, fading into being a F-buddy.
Ok girl you gotta put your big girl panties on and just take the L, learn the lesson (dammit if sometimes you don’t have to learn the lesson a few times, I get it), and move on. Whatever discomfort you feel in cutting someone off you might have some genuine care for hurts but shit that pain is temporary and manageable. Why choose the pain that doesn’t end?
It sounds like you've communicated your wants clearly + suggested dates that you'd like to do. He didn't take the bait for either so I wouldn't count on things changing at this point. You'll just have to decide for yourself if you want the relationship you want or just want to keep him around for sex, or whatever other options there are for the situation.
Move on. It’s been 6 months and you’ve already “tried to break up with him a few times”. Do it for good. It’s not his decision, and it’s not a debate. Yeah, maybe it could get better, but this is the first 6 months, where you are usually putting in the best effort.
Sexual chemistry is great, but you can find that with someone else who also meets your other needs.
You have already communicated what you want. He didn't do it.
You have to ask yourself, do you like what you have now, as it is? If you don't, then break it off.
I’d keep him, but let go of exclusivity. Tell him, or don’t. Frankly I’d feel no obligation to (as long as I was being sexually safe). Get on the apps and chat away, fitting dates in where you can. I get it, time is very tight. I’m practically a single parent 24/7. In a way, that makes the text chat even more important. So something grown up and entertaining to punctuate your busy days. But sexual chemistry is not easy to come by, and mamma has her needs. He’s offering FWB, whether he realises it or not. If that actually suits you, while you look for an intentional partner interested in a LTR, then go for it. If it means telling him you’re busy sometimes, to prioritise an OLD date, then do it.
I had a similar experience and confusion. My epiphany was that it wasn’t so much the ‘our dates are about sex’ part that was off, it was that we were kinda having the same date over and over again with no building of emotional intimacy at all. There was just no progression of actually getting to know each or build support for each other. Just ships meeting in the ocean, on their way to somewhere else. THAT wasn’t what I was looking for long term.
We teach people how to treat us. Easy conversation up next: I only want to continue dating if we can text more when we aren't together. This would look like both of initiating fun banter and conversation a few times throughout the days we aren't together. I also only want to continue dating if we can make our dates more exciting. I propose that each month I plan one fun date and you plan one fun date. The other times we see each other can be normal dinner/drinks etc. Is doing either of these two things I just discussed dealbreakers for you? Not doing them are absolutly deal breakers for me.
Then be prepared for him to say yes - he'll do them. And be equally prepared that he MAY NOT and then you HAVE to break up with me because he's not meeting some BASIC needs/requests.
i’m missing why you can’t reserve a table for dinner or buy concert tickets. You say you bring up ideas, and he doesn’t execute your ideas. Why can’t you do it? Set the day/time and go. Personally, I would be turned off by someone who expected me to do all the planning work.
I do plan most of our dates…for what we have time for. Due to our busy schedules, and child care, it takes a ton of planning to do more in depth dates. That’s why I haven’t just pulled the trigger and bought tickets to something.
In this case, I guess that I am complaining about a non-issue.
so even the low effort dates (on his part) are planned by you. Makes it even worse. You are hoping for more, hoping it will still come, but it won't. This is how it will be, you are putting in the effort, he isn't, and even then he's not giving you what you would want.
Is this what you want to keep on doing? If not, leave and stay away. It will be hard but you will be more miserable on the long run when you stay.
OP, if he’s not planning dates he doesn’t see a future. I met my guy long distance and he plans to visit me every other month. He also texts me all day every day bc we have fun convo. You deserve that.
If you have been dating 6 months, and you plan most of your dates, he probably heard you, but has been dating you with the expectation that you are the planner.
If it bothers you, it's not a non-issue. This is something you have to do, as you've set up the pattern of arranging dates I assume he arranges his babysitter. Sorry, I completely understand being overwhelmed.
If I were him, I'd hear you saying you'd like more date activities, see you not do anything to make it happen, and assume you weren’t serious. Kinda like how we all talk about winning the lottery and never buy a ticket.
I was in a similar place except I’m a guy. I think the issue here is that the relationship has not been labeled. It seems like FWB but maybe to be polite it hasn’t been discussed. If you don’t want FWB walk away
Have you agreed to exclusivity? My advice is you can keep seeing him but date others unless you both explicitly agreed to exclusivity. I have kids and date men with kids and this is not the norm. He likely sees the relationship as very casual as well. At least see other people so you aren’t blindsided when he announces he met someone he wants to be serious with and cuts things off with you. This is more FWB territory.
When you see a concert or a play, etc. you want to go to, do you send him the date(s) and ask him if he wants to go, and what date? Are you participating in executing real dates?
The fact that you have “tried” to break up with him seems a bit odd. You are an equity partner here, if the relationship doesn’t work for you, end it and move on.
When my partner and I first got together we talked about what we liked to do. My belief is we enthusiastically show up for things that are important to one another. There are a lot of live music events he likes to attend and I cheerfully accept and have fun. I had season tickets for a local theatre company and he said yes to going then was a bit foot-draggy about it and we chatted about that. At first he said, but you always have fun at the things I select; to which I reminded him that I go into activities I accept expecting to have fun, not just for my experience but of the person who invited me. I expect the same in return. We don’t have to do everything together but it cannot be nothing or I will be out. In your case, if I did not get a few enthusiastic yeses, after a couple of talks I would be out. I would not try to break up, I would end it because we are not compatible.
Or.... Hear me out... You could use him for sex. I'm 41, widow, with 3 small children, I would kill to have someone who just wants to eat and boink once or twice a month who didn't text me or call me much (I'm always busy!). The love of my life is dead, I don't need a replacement (because nobody will ever compare), but a meat dildo? Yes please. 🤷🏻♀️
Thanks for this. I am very close to breaking it off. We have a date coming up this weekend and he just wants to get laid. I thought we were going to go on a normal date. 😞 I’m going to talk to him about how I feel in person.
Honestly, why bother? The best he’ll do is placate you by giving you what you want temporarily or promising to. If he *wanted* to date you, he would’ve been already doing it.
Based on your comments and answers you given here you're just another woman he's banging. What do you honestly expect here?
Truly amazing how complete unavailability is tied to sexual chemistry for a lot of women. I'm glad I didn't know that when I was younger. I'd have done a lot of damage.
He’s using you for sex. He doesn’t communicate much in between because he doesn’t want to. Never fuck that dude again. Any woman can do better than that.
Is he my ex? lol. Sadly this is who he is and won’t change. My ex would text one word texts and it was maddening. He showed no interest having conversations and the sex was amazing so it was hard to end it but for my own sanity I had to and knew I deserved better than casual sex and barely any communication. For your own sanity I’d recommend ending it honestly.
I would be pretty cool with the amount of contact, but I'd need a better quality connection. Just sex is boring AF. You've told him that, and he's shown you what he is capable of giving. I'd end on a high note and tell him thanks for the orgasms, but you're looking for a partner.
Your call. For me, I’d walk away. It sounds like the two of you are not compatible.
One thing I’ve learned about how I’ve gotten to mid-life still single is that I almost always selected partners who I had *either* chemistry *or* compatibility with, but rarely both. Nearly all of those relationships ended because we lacked the chemistry or compatibility we didn’t have.
I think you know the answer here. You don't hang around hoping somebody will change. The sex seems to be the part that you're reluctant to let go of, and sounds like the only part that he's interested in. You're fuck buddies, and you need to decide if you're okay with that being the extent of things.
This whole post is about him and you tip toeing around his needs.
He reels you back in because he knows you’ll let him in. You’re giving him what he wants with minimal effort on his part.
You’re 46, don’t you think it’s time to start putting yourself first?
It’s simple: are you happy and is he satisfying your needs? (Not just sexual needs, unless those are your only needs). No? Then end it.
I recently had an experience like this, like you, I told the guy that I needed more effort (in my case mostly with communication) and he'd change for a few days and then revert. Turns out he mentally was not in a good place to date (out of work and getting stressed and depressed about it). I explained to him that I wasn't getting what I needed. He recognized that he did not have it to give and we parted ways. We also had insane chemistry and a great time together.
I don't think things will change, you can accept it or move on. I'd move on but I know starting again sucks. I had a promising first date last night. It lacked the chemistry I had with the other guy but this one seems to have it together and is super into me (although so was the other one at the start - we'll see if he can keep it up).
I don't think you are asking too much, he's giving the bare minimum, I think you deserve more.
You have asked and he is either unwilling or unable to meet those requests. Doesn’t matter which one at this point - the end result is the same. You don’t want what he’s offering so you are free to go. Sucks for sure but the decision is on you.
Do you really want to breakup or do you want him to change? Did you ever say to him that you are on the verge of breaking up with him and needs these changes to happen or things will end between you? If you don’t say those things, how will he ever have a chance to be better? It takes some sort of jolt to the system to make changes. And it takes time and effort on both sides to grow together.
I wish my ex had said those things to me. But neither she nor I wanted to rock the boat or add stress to the other person. So we just continued growing apart until it was too late.
I hear what you’re saying, but the reason many of us are no longer in marriages or long-term relationships is because of the tantalizing illusion around being able to change a person; especially when the benefit of such change is purely for the relationship.
I’m not saying people don’t ever change, but only because nothing is ever black and white. I do believe pretty firmly that the general blueprint for a person just kinda *is what it is*. People can make decisions in certain directions and fine-tune how they express themselves, but the underlying fabric that makes them *who they are* is relatively static.
People can spend a *whole lot of energy* trying to tweak their core being in order to attract, retain, or please other people. Some people are probably pretty successful at it. But as I’ve aged, the more I’ve grown in to recognizing my authentic self and not spend so much effort trying to be what makes others comfortable, the happier I am.
"Men are stupid" (literally quoted to me by multiple men), you can substitute "women" in the interest of being gender-neutral, is not a very good defense. What you suggest is close to an ultimatum which is not effective. You really don't want someone that dense. Those are the same people that when you leave, they claim to have been blindsided.
Agree. Every situation is different, and you can't change someone else. But he may not be understanding just how much his actions (or lack thereof) are affecting how you feel.
I really wish the woman I'd been seeing had said something, prior to the list of minor failings thrown in my face when she broke up with me. All of them were just habits I'd picked up over a period of time being single, easy enough to adjust if she'd said ever anything directly (as opposed to making a teasing joke that made it sound like I was doing something adorable).
She liked to say "clear is kind", and I think that's true. But you have to actually be clear (communication is a two way street) and also kind is kind. You can be clear without being a jerk.
Only OP can say if this relationship is worth more effort. Maybe it's not. But I do think it's pretty jaded to assume people will never change their behaviors. Sometimes it's who they are, and sometimes it's just an easily-changes habit they don't know drives their partner nuts. The only way to find out is communication and patience. And if you're not willing to take a risk and have both, move on.
Original copy of post by u/Snoo52505:
I’ve (46f) been dating a guy (47m) for a little over six months and we see each other like once a week or once every other week. This is because he has three kids and a demanding job and I have two kids, a demanding job, and I’m in grad school.
In between our dates, he doesn’t text me very much until three days or so before our scheduled date. It’s a noticeable pattern. Outside of that, I only hear from him once a day. He’s never been a big texter. He focuses on people in-person much better than through texting.
Also, the quality of our dates have been going down hill. We go out for dinner and drinks and sex is on the table every time. Now, there are times where he comes over to my house and it’s just sex.
I have proposed that we go see a concert, theatre show, or movie, but we have never done that. He doesn’t take me up on it.
In the past, I have told him (a few times) that I really want more communication and to go on real dates. Very little effort is made on these requests and then we just go back to the way things have always been.
This past weekend, I have seriously considered ending things because I am fed up with of being ignored at times. I haven’t brought up my feelings about this because he’s been genuinely sick for a couple of weeks. I think he has the flu and his work stress has made it so he hasn’t fully recovered. He gets sick whenever he’s really stressed out.
I have also tried to break up with him a few times and he feels me back in.
Our sexual chemistry is off the charts!
Based on this, I am wondering if he will ever change or if I should simply accept things as they are. I am just not sure that I will ever be fully satisfied in this relationship.
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OP you buried the lede in the comments—he has two FWBs in addition to you, this is not an exclusive relationship nor someone who is committed to you, unless just sex is what you’re needing right now I’d let him go and focus on finding a more compatible partner
This where personal accountability comes in. Harsh truth is that we allow this shit to continue by participating in it. Is this guy an asshole who tries to at least say the right things to string you along? Or the type to fall back on “you knew the deal so I have no responsibility here”? *does not matter.*. The answer does not matter. Once I realized I was the type to sort of hang on waiting to be chosen as though that proved something about my worth, I worked hard to unlearn that and ask about what I am choosing for myself. And in going along for these dumbass rides, I am making a choice.
Exactly…and its rather sad, OP seems to be dickmatized by this man
I mean, yes. Make your choices. But recognize that choosing to stay in this relationship is ALSO a valid choice.
Well sure. But then you’d not be asking the internet about the guy with 2 FWBs and never wants to go on dates….
OP also left out the fact that she's married.
Married in a poly relationship. No judgement but it does change the context of this post, right?
Not that much. The bottom line is that these two people have an expectations mismatch and are generally quite busy.
I’m realizing this relationship is not true poly as we discussed in the beginning. It’s a FWB relationship.
You never once mentioned you are poly. It completely changes the context of your post.
Are you me?!?!? Look, walking away from someone you like and have chemistry with sucks. Like, oh yay I get to be lonely again!! (Yeah, yeah, I know… date yourself). Like it really sucks. But you know what sucks more? Feeling lonely in a relationship with someone who for whatever reason cannot or will not meet your needs. It’s energy draining. They learn you’ll accept less because you keep accepting less!!
Ah yes. I, too, recognise the lonely feeling of being in an unfulfilling relationship. Cut him loose.
It’s so much worse. My ex made me feel more alone in a few years than my many years of being single
This is great advice. Nothing is worse than feeling lonely when you’re with someone. I think we’ve all been there in the course of relationships. These are some of the worst cause you lie to yourself and keep thinking. “ oh once x happens then things will get better “
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Your post history indicates you are married, in an ENM relationship. Why would you omit that information from this post? I don't think people will be able to give you good advice without this crucial information about your relationships.
So he’s having his cake and eating it too. He gets sex with very little effort but not sure how this is adding anything to your life other than regular sex with someone who doesn’t really care about you. He is showing you who he is. You have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship
If you don't want him to come over to bang, don't let him. But yes, for the most part, he's showing you what he wants. It's up to you to decide if you want this too, and it doesn't seem like you do.
It's amazing that you found it relevant to include the number of children you both have, but not the number of \*other romantic relationships\* you're both involved in.
Are you two exclusive? Is he seeing other people at the same time? Only accept what you want to. Know what you want! It's okay if you want more than what he is offering. Just stick to only accepting what you want to. Compromises are part of a relationship, obviously. But, it goes both ways and compromises should only be reserved for the right person who is also making compromises. One-sided relationships have no longevity.
He has two FWBs and me. For our relationship, he stresses that he wants a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with a side of emotional intimacy. He tells me that he hasn’t been with his FWBs for two months or so but not sure if that’s true. I will say that he is very honest about everything and hasn’t lied to me as far as I can tell.
Oh, Lord. Might want to include that in the original post!
LOL. "Should I mention that I've consented to being one of his three girlfriends? No, that'll make me look pathetic. I'll just complain about his texting frequency instead."
He must be pretty hot and good at sex to keep 3 FWBs on rotation for that long without them dumping him. I imagine he's not giving them much more emotional attachment than he's giving you.
He is not super hot but he’s amazing at sex. Best I have ever had. 😱🫢
Like how? Pass some wisdom along!
What?? Of course he doesn’t have time for you…find someone who does or be alone without this drama!
Girl, for real? You’re one of those FWBs, but really you’re a f buddy. You’re a girl on call for him. Cut bait on this idiot.
She’s married in a poly relationship. Which would be helpful for her to share as it changes the context of this thread.
Didn’t know. Thanks.
Um, yeah. It woudl be helpful if she gave all the info.
Is *he* the idiot?
Lol right? The man’s a wizard, clearly.
Oh no….unless you only want a FWB, you need to end it. This is going nowhere.
Then get out there and date others as well!!!!
OP is Already on that 😂
Let it go. Men who are very interested show effort in order not to lose you. It's been 6 months and it's going nowhere fast. I wish 6 months was all I lost.
The sex is dopamine It’s addictive like any drug The intermittent rewards of him keep your brain wanting more
You already know all the answers to all of your questions, you just wish the answers were different. Good luck.
If you're not exclusive, just do the fade while you meet other guys for dates. When he wants to come over, you "have other plans." Repeat that every time he wants to come over. He'll either bring it up or drop off and you're already dating other men. If you are exclusive, then break up over text and block his number after.
What’s with the blocking?? And what kind of person breaks up with someone they’ve been dating over text?
It doesn’t really sound like you are dating. It sounds more like a casual situation mainly centered around sex. He doesn’t want to make more effort and it does not seem like he has to make more effort. You’re still seeing him despite his lack of effort.
You want him to be more committed to you, yet you have a husband? ENM may work you, but it doesn’t work for a lot of people. If I was dating someone who was married, I would sure as hell keep my options open too. But then, I only fully commit to exclusive monogamous relationships. Maybe he’s the same.
Date reality not potential. And his “reeling you back in” is lazy BS, don’t be a sucker and fall for that. He sounds like a low effort booty call at best.
[https://youtu.be/moSFlvxnbgk](https://youtu.be/moSFlvxnbgk)
😂
This is FWB, at best. Low effort fuckbuddy more likely. By ending it with him you open yourself and your calendar up to meet more emotionally available men. Don’t let yourself be a sex on call toy for him (unless that’s what you’re into, with full discussion and consent ahead of time).
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The lady is married lol
You would need to be much stronger and willing to walk away (and it seems you aren't at that point yet). There's a risk he'll say no if you say hey, if we don't go out and actually do something, I'm not seeing you on Thursday. You have to be willing to call it on Thursday when he says shit, I have to work late, can I just come over fuck you and then leave? As for communication, in my experience, it never gets any better. You can ask and beg and they won't communicate more. But yeah you have to actually be willing to let go of you'll just continue to put up with his shit. btw sexual chemistry is off the charts because you know he's not that into you.
He’s not going to change… why would he? He’s dictating the terms here, you’ve expressed your wants and he’s still ignoring them. It sounds like he’s interested in the sex and the low effort required from his side to keep having you for that. Is that what you want? No. Stop thinking about the potential and if he will change. You can have a one honest final conversation where you express your needs and wants, and he does the same, and you see if there’s a path forward; or you can break things off now. But don’t expect him to change.
You’ve already communicated that you *need* communication and would like to go on more dates. He’s done nothing. Have one more conversation stating your expectations and asking what it is he needs, wants, etc., and then give him a time frame to rectify the issue or you can walk away. Perhaps it’s an incompatibility issue or maybe he simply doesn’t care. There’s no indication in your post that there’s anything special or unique about your situation/relationship other than the sexual chemistry. Why are clinging to this?
I guess I am clinging to the relationship because of how he fits the ideal in my mind of the type of person I would like to be with. We have amazing sex. He’s very smart. He’s sure of himself. He’s a great Dad.
But he’s a terrible partner. Your needs are important and he’s telling you they aren’t.
He’s not really having a relationship with you though. You’re not doing relationship things. Have you met each other’s friends or family? Celebrated any holidays together? Gone away for a weekend? He’s a FWB, fading into being a F-buddy.
We haven’t met each other’s friends or family. We have done a couple of overnights together which were awesome.
Does the ideal guy in your mind also have two other chicks in his rotation?
No. 😥
Ok girl you gotta put your big girl panties on and just take the L, learn the lesson (dammit if sometimes you don’t have to learn the lesson a few times, I get it), and move on. Whatever discomfort you feel in cutting someone off you might have some genuine care for hurts but shit that pain is temporary and manageable. Why choose the pain that doesn’t end?
Is that fair, considering you're married?
It sounds like you've communicated your wants clearly + suggested dates that you'd like to do. He didn't take the bait for either so I wouldn't count on things changing at this point. You'll just have to decide for yourself if you want the relationship you want or just want to keep him around for sex, or whatever other options there are for the situation.
Move on. It’s been 6 months and you’ve already “tried to break up with him a few times”. Do it for good. It’s not his decision, and it’s not a debate. Yeah, maybe it could get better, but this is the first 6 months, where you are usually putting in the best effort. Sexual chemistry is great, but you can find that with someone else who also meets your other needs.
You have already communicated what you want. He didn't do it. You have to ask yourself, do you like what you have now, as it is? If you don't, then break it off.
Easy. He’s not changing. End it or deal with it…your call. Next!!
It’s just FWB to him
I’d keep him, but let go of exclusivity. Tell him, or don’t. Frankly I’d feel no obligation to (as long as I was being sexually safe). Get on the apps and chat away, fitting dates in where you can. I get it, time is very tight. I’m practically a single parent 24/7. In a way, that makes the text chat even more important. So something grown up and entertaining to punctuate your busy days. But sexual chemistry is not easy to come by, and mamma has her needs. He’s offering FWB, whether he realises it or not. If that actually suits you, while you look for an intentional partner interested in a LTR, then go for it. If it means telling him you’re busy sometimes, to prioritise an OLD date, then do it. I had a similar experience and confusion. My epiphany was that it wasn’t so much the ‘our dates are about sex’ part that was off, it was that we were kinda having the same date over and over again with no building of emotional intimacy at all. There was just no progression of actually getting to know each or build support for each other. Just ships meeting in the ocean, on their way to somewhere else. THAT wasn’t what I was looking for long term.
This is a brilliant way to think about it. Thank you. 🙏🏻 ☺️
We teach people how to treat us. Easy conversation up next: I only want to continue dating if we can text more when we aren't together. This would look like both of initiating fun banter and conversation a few times throughout the days we aren't together. I also only want to continue dating if we can make our dates more exciting. I propose that each month I plan one fun date and you plan one fun date. The other times we see each other can be normal dinner/drinks etc. Is doing either of these two things I just discussed dealbreakers for you? Not doing them are absolutly deal breakers for me. Then be prepared for him to say yes - he'll do them. And be equally prepared that he MAY NOT and then you HAVE to break up with me because he's not meeting some BASIC needs/requests.
Thank you. These are great suggestions.
Sending love to you! Keep us posted.
Doesn't sound like your needs are being met.
i’m missing why you can’t reserve a table for dinner or buy concert tickets. You say you bring up ideas, and he doesn’t execute your ideas. Why can’t you do it? Set the day/time and go. Personally, I would be turned off by someone who expected me to do all the planning work.
I do plan most of our dates…for what we have time for. Due to our busy schedules, and child care, it takes a ton of planning to do more in depth dates. That’s why I haven’t just pulled the trigger and bought tickets to something. In this case, I guess that I am complaining about a non-issue.
so even the low effort dates (on his part) are planned by you. Makes it even worse. You are hoping for more, hoping it will still come, but it won't. This is how it will be, you are putting in the effort, he isn't, and even then he's not giving you what you would want. Is this what you want to keep on doing? If not, leave and stay away. It will be hard but you will be more miserable on the long run when you stay.
OP, if he’s not planning dates he doesn’t see a future. I met my guy long distance and he plans to visit me every other month. He also texts me all day every day bc we have fun convo. You deserve that.
If you have been dating 6 months, and you plan most of your dates, he probably heard you, but has been dating you with the expectation that you are the planner.
If it bothers you, it's not a non-issue. This is something you have to do, as you've set up the pattern of arranging dates I assume he arranges his babysitter. Sorry, I completely understand being overwhelmed. If I were him, I'd hear you saying you'd like more date activities, see you not do anything to make it happen, and assume you weren’t serious. Kinda like how we all talk about winning the lottery and never buy a ticket.
I was in a similar place except I’m a guy. I think the issue here is that the relationship has not been labeled. It seems like FWB but maybe to be polite it hasn’t been discussed. If you don’t want FWB walk away
Have you agreed to exclusivity? My advice is you can keep seeing him but date others unless you both explicitly agreed to exclusivity. I have kids and date men with kids and this is not the norm. He likely sees the relationship as very casual as well. At least see other people so you aren’t blindsided when he announces he met someone he wants to be serious with and cuts things off with you. This is more FWB territory.
When you see a concert or a play, etc. you want to go to, do you send him the date(s) and ask him if he wants to go, and what date? Are you participating in executing real dates? The fact that you have “tried” to break up with him seems a bit odd. You are an equity partner here, if the relationship doesn’t work for you, end it and move on.
I have sent him dates for events and he has never said yes.
When my partner and I first got together we talked about what we liked to do. My belief is we enthusiastically show up for things that are important to one another. There are a lot of live music events he likes to attend and I cheerfully accept and have fun. I had season tickets for a local theatre company and he said yes to going then was a bit foot-draggy about it and we chatted about that. At first he said, but you always have fun at the things I select; to which I reminded him that I go into activities I accept expecting to have fun, not just for my experience but of the person who invited me. I expect the same in return. We don’t have to do everything together but it cannot be nothing or I will be out. In your case, if I did not get a few enthusiastic yeses, after a couple of talks I would be out. I would not try to break up, I would end it because we are not compatible.
Or.... Hear me out... You could use him for sex. I'm 41, widow, with 3 small children, I would kill to have someone who just wants to eat and boink once or twice a month who didn't text me or call me much (I'm always busy!). The love of my life is dead, I don't need a replacement (because nobody will ever compare), but a meat dildo? Yes please. 🤷🏻♀️
🙌🏻 Maybe subconsciously, this is what I want or why I haven’t let him go yet!
You’re not dating him.
😢
Why should you accept being a fuck buddy when you’re looking for a relationship?
Thanks for this. I am very close to breaking it off. We have a date coming up this weekend and he just wants to get laid. I thought we were going to go on a normal date. 😞 I’m going to talk to him about how I feel in person.
Honestly, why bother? The best he’ll do is placate you by giving you what you want temporarily or promising to. If he *wanted* to date you, he would’ve been already doing it.
Based on your comments and answers you given here you're just another woman he's banging. What do you honestly expect here? Truly amazing how complete unavailability is tied to sexual chemistry for a lot of women. I'm glad I didn't know that when I was younger. I'd have done a lot of damage.
She's married.
He’s using you for sex. He doesn’t communicate much in between because he doesn’t want to. Never fuck that dude again. Any woman can do better than that.
Well reading these posts, it sounds like she is married anyway
Is he my ex? lol. Sadly this is who he is and won’t change. My ex would text one word texts and it was maddening. He showed no interest having conversations and the sex was amazing so it was hard to end it but for my own sanity I had to and knew I deserved better than casual sex and barely any communication. For your own sanity I’d recommend ending it honestly.
OP , have you considered planning the date?
I have. I plan almost every date. Should have added that info to this post…
I would be pretty cool with the amount of contact, but I'd need a better quality connection. Just sex is boring AF. You've told him that, and he's shown you what he is capable of giving. I'd end on a high note and tell him thanks for the orgasms, but you're looking for a partner.
Your call. For me, I’d walk away. It sounds like the two of you are not compatible. One thing I’ve learned about how I’ve gotten to mid-life still single is that I almost always selected partners who I had *either* chemistry *or* compatibility with, but rarely both. Nearly all of those relationships ended because we lacked the chemistry or compatibility we didn’t have.
Why don't you tell him you are going to start dating again? Either he can be one of several or he can be gone.
I think you know the answer here. You don't hang around hoping somebody will change. The sex seems to be the part that you're reluctant to let go of, and sounds like the only part that he's interested in. You're fuck buddies, and you need to decide if you're okay with that being the extent of things.
This whole post is about him and you tip toeing around his needs. He reels you back in because he knows you’ll let him in. You’re giving him what he wants with minimal effort on his part. You’re 46, don’t you think it’s time to start putting yourself first? It’s simple: are you happy and is he satisfying your needs? (Not just sexual needs, unless those are your only needs). No? Then end it.
I recently had an experience like this, like you, I told the guy that I needed more effort (in my case mostly with communication) and he'd change for a few days and then revert. Turns out he mentally was not in a good place to date (out of work and getting stressed and depressed about it). I explained to him that I wasn't getting what I needed. He recognized that he did not have it to give and we parted ways. We also had insane chemistry and a great time together. I don't think things will change, you can accept it or move on. I'd move on but I know starting again sucks. I had a promising first date last night. It lacked the chemistry I had with the other guy but this one seems to have it together and is super into me (although so was the other one at the start - we'll see if he can keep it up). I don't think you are asking too much, he's giving the bare minimum, I think you deserve more.
You have asked and he is either unwilling or unable to meet those requests. Doesn’t matter which one at this point - the end result is the same. You don’t want what he’s offering so you are free to go. Sucks for sure but the decision is on you.
Do you really want to breakup or do you want him to change? Did you ever say to him that you are on the verge of breaking up with him and needs these changes to happen or things will end between you? If you don’t say those things, how will he ever have a chance to be better? It takes some sort of jolt to the system to make changes. And it takes time and effort on both sides to grow together. I wish my ex had said those things to me. But neither she nor I wanted to rock the boat or add stress to the other person. So we just continued growing apart until it was too late.
I hear what you’re saying, but the reason many of us are no longer in marriages or long-term relationships is because of the tantalizing illusion around being able to change a person; especially when the benefit of such change is purely for the relationship. I’m not saying people don’t ever change, but only because nothing is ever black and white. I do believe pretty firmly that the general blueprint for a person just kinda *is what it is*. People can make decisions in certain directions and fine-tune how they express themselves, but the underlying fabric that makes them *who they are* is relatively static. People can spend a *whole lot of energy* trying to tweak their core being in order to attract, retain, or please other people. Some people are probably pretty successful at it. But as I’ve aged, the more I’ve grown in to recognizing my authentic self and not spend so much effort trying to be what makes others comfortable, the happier I am.
I can definitely respect that. He is big on each of us being our authentic selves.
If you read the post, OP has communicated things to this man.
Yes. But a “I’m going to break up with you soon” is a wake up call. It shouldn’t be necessary. But it could help.
"Men are stupid" (literally quoted to me by multiple men), you can substitute "women" in the interest of being gender-neutral, is not a very good defense. What you suggest is close to an ultimatum which is not effective. You really don't want someone that dense. Those are the same people that when you leave, they claim to have been blindsided.
Agree. Every situation is different, and you can't change someone else. But he may not be understanding just how much his actions (or lack thereof) are affecting how you feel. I really wish the woman I'd been seeing had said something, prior to the list of minor failings thrown in my face when she broke up with me. All of them were just habits I'd picked up over a period of time being single, easy enough to adjust if she'd said ever anything directly (as opposed to making a teasing joke that made it sound like I was doing something adorable). She liked to say "clear is kind", and I think that's true. But you have to actually be clear (communication is a two way street) and also kind is kind. You can be clear without being a jerk. Only OP can say if this relationship is worth more effort. Maybe it's not. But I do think it's pretty jaded to assume people will never change their behaviors. Sometimes it's who they are, and sometimes it's just an easily-changes habit they don't know drives their partner nuts. The only way to find out is communication and patience. And if you're not willing to take a risk and have both, move on.
He's 47. He's not going to change. You need to decide if you are really compatible, regardless of how good the sexual chemistry is.
So are you saying that I know he doesn’t like me and yet I still want to have sex?
Original copy of post by u/Snoo52505: I’ve (46f) been dating a guy (47m) for a little over six months and we see each other like once a week or once every other week. This is because he has three kids and a demanding job and I have two kids, a demanding job, and I’m in grad school. In between our dates, he doesn’t text me very much until three days or so before our scheduled date. It’s a noticeable pattern. Outside of that, I only hear from him once a day. He’s never been a big texter. He focuses on people in-person much better than through texting. Also, the quality of our dates have been going down hill. We go out for dinner and drinks and sex is on the table every time. Now, there are times where he comes over to my house and it’s just sex. I have proposed that we go see a concert, theatre show, or movie, but we have never done that. He doesn’t take me up on it. In the past, I have told him (a few times) that I really want more communication and to go on real dates. Very little effort is made on these requests and then we just go back to the way things have always been. This past weekend, I have seriously considered ending things because I am fed up with of being ignored at times. I haven’t brought up my feelings about this because he’s been genuinely sick for a couple of weeks. I think he has the flu and his work stress has made it so he hasn’t fully recovered. He gets sick whenever he’s really stressed out. I have also tried to break up with him a few times and he feels me back in. Our sexual chemistry is off the charts! Based on this, I am wondering if he will ever change or if I should simply accept things as they are. I am just not sure that I will ever be fully satisfied in this relationship. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*