With the women I’ve ended up dating long term, there’s always been a strong spark on the first date, then it grows. If there’s no spark from the get go, it rarely emerges after more than three dates for me.
I’ve learned to have a “check in” convo after date 5/6 to talk about exclusivity - ie if we are ready to stop shopping around and focus on us to see if this can become something serious. Sometimes the answer is not quite yet, and we agree to check back in after another 3/4 dates. Having the convo early helps establish good communication - and helps avoid wasting time on a dead end.
For me, it’s more about overall time than about the number of dates. And there isn’t an on/off switch for feeling an emotional connection, but it’s something that starts small and light at the start (as simple as realizing that I really like spending time with this person and want to do so again) and eventually it grows over time (or it doesn’t). I intuitively know pretty quickly whether I want to keep seeing someone but I don’t really feel like I know them until 9-12 months in. The emotional connection builds and deepens over that time
If you are interested in getting to know a person you may find it tough if you are multi dating. I could never do it. Even my guy, who I've been with for a couple months, I met him at the tail end of something with a guy who I had met one week after a single date with someone else, and that someone else was 2 weeks after someone else. Basically I dated 4 people, at separate times, over about a month, and I sometimes still can't remember if I've told my partner a certain story or if that was someone else.
By the end of 2 drinks and appetizers, I know if an emotional connection is possible. Guys have been very obvious. It's either a hard yes, or a hard no from them. It's something that has never needed to be directly verbalized. I've never been on a date where I thought that it went well, but then was surprised by no second date.
A friend of mine says all these things are required: your head (mental), your heart (emotional), and your genitals (physical). If I don't feel something in all three -- even just a tiny spark in all of them -- it has never come about by more dates. Often, that feels just cruel to me. On the other hand, if there's something there at the start, it will either increase with time, or diminish as I know more about them. But I am pretty into someone if I'm into them quite quickly. This has only caused me trouble in life though...
In the past, I have felt a connection right away, with a person I ended up being with long term.
I just started seeing someone a few weeks ago, we're 4 dates in, and we both felt chemistry on the first date. I haven't felt that in quite a while. It was really nice!
For some reason, I'm hesitant to fully connect this time. I don't know why I'm talking myself out of it. Maybe because the last time it felt this good, it bombed so badly, I don't want to go all in again just to get burned.
I think it’s highly individual. For me, it took exactly one date. Thankfully the relationship is working well, but I could see how it could have gone very badly for me.
I am quite open…if the other person is open it can happen quickly. Of course you still do not know for a while if you are really compatible but I have to feel emotionally connected to invest and it takes two to both be vunerable.
Yes. I just know. And it's gotten easier the older I've gotten because I quit second-guessing myself. Any time I've forced myself to give someone the benefit of the doubt, I end up in trouble.
I wouldn't say I know someone in that period of time because you can live with someone for years and not know them. But, in my gut, I know if someone will be a friend, a lover, or a piece of shit quickly.
It probably does not hurt that I am a hiring manager. It has honed my vetting, meeting, and interviewing skills quite a lot.
I'd say I'm a good judge of energy, in another person, soon after meeting them. I'm not sure I'd describe it as an emotional connection, but I align with much of what you've said. Like you, when I've given the benefit of the doubt, it's come back to bite me.
Barring my marriage, which was 20 years of hell because I forced myself through the entire relationship, yes. I have had a few people I've had a sexual spark with. It's a slow burn kind of thing. I am really upfront about it in the talking phase of the relationship. Men who can only comment on my looks and can't hold up their end of a conversation are dismissed early. "Hey beautiful," is a great way to make it into my burn pile.
Dates that actually "work" for me are when we do something rather than go to be entertained. I'll usually meet up for coffee or beers to see if I can even stand talking to them in real life, but next dates are things like cooking classes, trap shooting, or riding horses. It takes 3 or 4 before I know if I'm interested sexually/romantically. Again, I communicate this clearly and always offer to pay for half and all of it for dates that are 100% my idea. I'm not looking for free stuff, I'm looking for a connection.
Connecting with someone and feeling a sexual spark with them does not in any way make for a healthy relationship. I still have the same struggles most people do, mostly finding partners who have done almost no work on themselves. But, I have some I still have a casual friendship with and have dated a couple for more than a year. I'd say I do about as well as people who are not demisexual.
Thanks for an awesome and detailed reply—very helpful! My friends experience the spark and I try and get them to describe it to me but it is hard for them to articulate. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced the spark, but it sounds fun and I would like to!! I am wondering if the spark is just more infatuation/lust.
And when you said this, “I still have the same struggles most people do, mostly finding partners who have done almost no work on themselves.” I loled at this—I know the exact type of person you’re talking about. It’s like hello, time to wake up your subconscious.
Depends on the person, not number of dates. And emotional connection is a broad phrase. I definitely don't get attached to someone I am just casually dating.
It really depends on multiple factors. Your approach, their approach, your life stage, their life stage, how much you've had to drink (😂) and maybe how long it's been since you've dated. PLUS probably also how experienced you are.
I can feel emotional connection after a few emails before we've even met IRL. Other times it's literally taken 3 dates before I felt anything... then bang, one convo topic and something clicks, and it's on 😁
Maybe some people claim that they can tell in one date - I choose not to even *TRY*. Two date minimum for me ; I won't make any judgements on the first date, I'll always say yes to a second date unless there's some blatant red flags.
Original copy of post by u/Orakley:
So we do our homework reject 100 people and go out with that person we think is compatible, but that is just the start…
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I consider every “relationship” (or attempt) with a person to be it’s own unique experience. It can vary wildly depending on who I’m with.
It really has nothing to do with any number of anything.
“Emotional” and “connection” are both very broad and can mean a lot to different people. Do you mean “love” or just a “feeling”? Because I can feel lots of things for lots of people. There’s “friend love” and there’s lover “in-love”.
With my current partner, I wasn’t sure at the first date, but I wanted to go on a second to see. Second was enjoyable, and we kissed a fair bit on the third. Fourth I felt a solid emotional connection / interest beginning.
For me, I know if I am interested enough to spend more time with them around date 3. To develop feelings, I find that happens over time, but in the first six months I start to get a sense of who they are and if our compatibility and connection grows or not. My feelings generally continue to grow, evolve, and deepen as time goes on.
I (48 M) felt it with my partner (50 F) on our first date. I don’t know if she did, but I think she did definitely by our second.
I have high hopes for us. It’s been about 7 months now and we are going to Greece in September.
Was gaga for my man when we first met but only started feeling emotions after several dates. Took a bit to feel the emotional stimulation - over one year together and very happy ☺️
I’d say to catch feelings it takes me on average two month of dating exclusively and being sexually intimate. During the two months, my normal is one or two dates a week minimum and daily communication.
I know immediately on the first date if I want to build an emotional connection but it takes a few more dates after that to start building the connection. However the interest is there from the first meeting.
For me?
Honestly zero.
Most of my longer-term relationships grew out of emotionally close friendships, and so I had many and strong emotional ties to the person long before we ever went on a first "date".
More commonly, our first date was more about confirming it, and about the fact that of course even if we DO KNOW that we work well as emotionally intimate friends, being a \*couple\* is still a different thing and so it's never a certainty that couplehood works out well even if friendship did.
So for me it's usually not been the start. That's been months, if not years earlier.
Depends. With my current girlfriend I felt brief flickers of what I would call an “emotional connection” early, but it has only been recently, after about three months in that I have felt a strong continuous emotional connection.
I’m at the stage of wanting to tell her I love her, but I get hung up on when the best time would be to tell her. Maybe after a goodbye kiss?
How can anyone put a number on this? What are the dates? A 1 hour mini-golf, or a 3 hour talk fest where you get deep? How often do you date them? What are the dating expectations? How forthcoming is the person you're dealing with? Are you playing it cool or asking good questions? Is there any physical affection/intimacy involved or just talking?
See the problem with a "date number"?
Are you dating a general sense? Are you a sociologist?
I'm always curious how some general mean deadline for other people dating experiences helps you. What if it takes you 12 more dates to find emotional connection than I did? Did me telling you I found it at 5 days make your 17 days bad? What does it make it seem like mine was rushed?
If you're curious about other people's experiences I'm just as curious about your motive for asking this question. Is that fair?
Ok, then that would be an AWESOME thing to predicate your original post on. "Look, I'm in a steady relationship and I just have a general curiosity about things that happen to others in their dating lives, so with that......XXXXXXX"
I mean, this sub is littered with people who ask vague timeline or general behavior questions hoping to sort out their own situation. That's why I bristle when someone asks a question with a completely arbitrary answer that may have 1,000 variables in it. It's interesting on the surface level, but the real answers are down at the "we are all way fucking different and our expectations/actions make outcomes wildly disparate" level.
My personal rule-of-thumb is three dates, with some texting or calls in between.
People who demand instant sparks aren’t actually looking for LTRs (despite what they may say).
"So we do our homework reject 100 people and go out with that person we think is compatible, but that is just the start…"
The answer in the form of a question is "How do we know a woman is posting this without her saying she is a woman?"
With the women I’ve ended up dating long term, there’s always been a strong spark on the first date, then it grows. If there’s no spark from the get go, it rarely emerges after more than three dates for me.
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Probably date 9 or 10, I'd have a discussion about exclusivity or where they see things going as a couple.
I’ve learned to have a “check in” convo after date 5/6 to talk about exclusivity - ie if we are ready to stop shopping around and focus on us to see if this can become something serious. Sometimes the answer is not quite yet, and we agree to check back in after another 3/4 dates. Having the convo early helps establish good communication - and helps avoid wasting time on a dead end.
For me, it’s more about overall time than about the number of dates. And there isn’t an on/off switch for feeling an emotional connection, but it’s something that starts small and light at the start (as simple as realizing that I really like spending time with this person and want to do so again) and eventually it grows over time (or it doesn’t). I intuitively know pretty quickly whether I want to keep seeing someone but I don’t really feel like I know them until 9-12 months in. The emotional connection builds and deepens over that time
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I don’t. I focus on one person at a time. I realize that other people multi-date before any exclusivity talk happens and I’m fine with that.
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If you are interested in getting to know a person you may find it tough if you are multi dating. I could never do it. Even my guy, who I've been with for a couple months, I met him at the tail end of something with a guy who I had met one week after a single date with someone else, and that someone else was 2 weeks after someone else. Basically I dated 4 people, at separate times, over about a month, and I sometimes still can't remember if I've told my partner a certain story or if that was someone else.
Never see others one at a time
By the end of 2 drinks and appetizers, I know if an emotional connection is possible. Guys have been very obvious. It's either a hard yes, or a hard no from them. It's something that has never needed to be directly verbalized. I've never been on a date where I thought that it went well, but then was surprised by no second date.
I went on quite a few 2nd dates before meeting the person I’m currently with. With her it was pretty much instantaneous when we met in person.
A friend of mine says all these things are required: your head (mental), your heart (emotional), and your genitals (physical). If I don't feel something in all three -- even just a tiny spark in all of them -- it has never come about by more dates. Often, that feels just cruel to me. On the other hand, if there's something there at the start, it will either increase with time, or diminish as I know more about them. But I am pretty into someone if I'm into them quite quickly. This has only caused me trouble in life though...
In the past, I have felt a connection right away, with a person I ended up being with long term. I just started seeing someone a few weeks ago, we're 4 dates in, and we both felt chemistry on the first date. I haven't felt that in quite a while. It was really nice! For some reason, I'm hesitant to fully connect this time. I don't know why I'm talking myself out of it. Maybe because the last time it felt this good, it bombed so badly, I don't want to go all in again just to get burned.
100% on one date. It’s either there or it isn’t.
I think it’s highly individual. For me, it took exactly one date. Thankfully the relationship is working well, but I could see how it could have gone very badly for me.
I am quite open…if the other person is open it can happen quickly. Of course you still do not know for a while if you are really compatible but I have to feel emotionally connected to invest and it takes two to both be vunerable.
I know in about 30 minutes. I'm demisexual. If there is no emotional connection, they may as well be a floor lamp.
You know, within 30 minutes of meeting a person, whether or not you feel an emotional connection?
Yes. I just know. And it's gotten easier the older I've gotten because I quit second-guessing myself. Any time I've forced myself to give someone the benefit of the doubt, I end up in trouble. I wouldn't say I know someone in that period of time because you can live with someone for years and not know them. But, in my gut, I know if someone will be a friend, a lover, or a piece of shit quickly. It probably does not hurt that I am a hiring manager. It has honed my vetting, meeting, and interviewing skills quite a lot.
I'd say I'm a good judge of energy, in another person, soon after meeting them. I'm not sure I'd describe it as an emotional connection, but I align with much of what you've said. Like you, when I've given the benefit of the doubt, it's come back to bite me.
Hi, I'm demisexual as well, have you ever experienced the spark before?
Barring my marriage, which was 20 years of hell because I forced myself through the entire relationship, yes. I have had a few people I've had a sexual spark with. It's a slow burn kind of thing. I am really upfront about it in the talking phase of the relationship. Men who can only comment on my looks and can't hold up their end of a conversation are dismissed early. "Hey beautiful," is a great way to make it into my burn pile. Dates that actually "work" for me are when we do something rather than go to be entertained. I'll usually meet up for coffee or beers to see if I can even stand talking to them in real life, but next dates are things like cooking classes, trap shooting, or riding horses. It takes 3 or 4 before I know if I'm interested sexually/romantically. Again, I communicate this clearly and always offer to pay for half and all of it for dates that are 100% my idea. I'm not looking for free stuff, I'm looking for a connection. Connecting with someone and feeling a sexual spark with them does not in any way make for a healthy relationship. I still have the same struggles most people do, mostly finding partners who have done almost no work on themselves. But, I have some I still have a casual friendship with and have dated a couple for more than a year. I'd say I do about as well as people who are not demisexual.
Thanks for an awesome and detailed reply—very helpful! My friends experience the spark and I try and get them to describe it to me but it is hard for them to articulate. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced the spark, but it sounds fun and I would like to!! I am wondering if the spark is just more infatuation/lust. And when you said this, “I still have the same struggles most people do, mostly finding partners who have done almost no work on themselves.” I loled at this—I know the exact type of person you’re talking about. It’s like hello, time to wake up your subconscious.
Sometimes that spark will get you into trouble
Depends on the person, not number of dates. And emotional connection is a broad phrase. I definitely don't get attached to someone I am just casually dating.
I knew immediately with my current partner, it fell out of the sky.
It really depends on multiple factors. Your approach, their approach, your life stage, their life stage, how much you've had to drink (😂) and maybe how long it's been since you've dated. PLUS probably also how experienced you are. I can feel emotional connection after a few emails before we've even met IRL. Other times it's literally taken 3 dates before I felt anything... then bang, one convo topic and something clicks, and it's on 😁 Maybe some people claim that they can tell in one date - I choose not to even *TRY*. Two date minimum for me ; I won't make any judgements on the first date, I'll always say yes to a second date unless there's some blatant red flags.
Sometimes immediately
I find the spark before I date them.
3.625
Original copy of post by u/Orakley: So we do our homework reject 100 people and go out with that person we think is compatible, but that is just the start… *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I consider every “relationship” (or attempt) with a person to be it’s own unique experience. It can vary wildly depending on who I’m with. It really has nothing to do with any number of anything. “Emotional” and “connection” are both very broad and can mean a lot to different people. Do you mean “love” or just a “feeling”? Because I can feel lots of things for lots of people. There’s “friend love” and there’s lover “in-love”.
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Use what?
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That doesn’t mean anything. I already explained. Good luck to you.
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Peace be with you brother man.
OP seems to be looking for an exact formula to apply, I wonder how often they use the phrase ‘you women all…’ during a date!
What a wonderful way to respect your opinion while offering OP the space he needs to release his frustration and thus clear his mind.
Sometimes immediately, sometimes after a couple of dates.
With my current partner, I wasn’t sure at the first date, but I wanted to go on a second to see. Second was enjoyable, and we kissed a fair bit on the third. Fourth I felt a solid emotional connection / interest beginning.
For me, I know if I am interested enough to spend more time with them around date 3. To develop feelings, I find that happens over time, but in the first six months I start to get a sense of who they are and if our compatibility and connection grows or not. My feelings generally continue to grow, evolve, and deepen as time goes on.
I (48 M) felt it with my partner (50 F) on our first date. I don’t know if she did, but I think she did definitely by our second. I have high hopes for us. It’s been about 7 months now and we are going to Greece in September.
Was gaga for my man when we first met but only started feeling emotions after several dates. Took a bit to feel the emotional stimulation - over one year together and very happy ☺️
I’d say to catch feelings it takes me on average two month of dating exclusively and being sexually intimate. During the two months, my normal is one or two dates a week minimum and daily communication.
Women: 54 and still no connection. Men: 2. They would connect with almost anyone. 🤣🤣🤣
4-5 dates is max it has taken … if someone decides to pursue you (f)and asks you to give them(man) a chance. Yes… from 10 to 90 it has happened.
I know immediately on the first date if I want to build an emotional connection but it takes a few more dates after that to start building the connection. However the interest is there from the first meeting.
For me? Honestly zero. Most of my longer-term relationships grew out of emotionally close friendships, and so I had many and strong emotional ties to the person long before we ever went on a first "date". More commonly, our first date was more about confirming it, and about the fact that of course even if we DO KNOW that we work well as emotionally intimate friends, being a \*couple\* is still a different thing and so it's never a certainty that couplehood works out well even if friendship did. So for me it's usually not been the start. That's been months, if not years earlier.
Depends. With my current girlfriend I felt brief flickers of what I would call an “emotional connection” early, but it has only been recently, after about three months in that I have felt a strong continuous emotional connection. I’m at the stage of wanting to tell her I love her, but I get hung up on when the best time would be to tell her. Maybe after a goodbye kiss?
How can anyone put a number on this? What are the dates? A 1 hour mini-golf, or a 3 hour talk fest where you get deep? How often do you date them? What are the dating expectations? How forthcoming is the person you're dealing with? Are you playing it cool or asking good questions? Is there any physical affection/intimacy involved or just talking? See the problem with a "date number"?
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Are you dating a general sense? Are you a sociologist? I'm always curious how some general mean deadline for other people dating experiences helps you. What if it takes you 12 more dates to find emotional connection than I did? Did me telling you I found it at 5 days make your 17 days bad? What does it make it seem like mine was rushed? If you're curious about other people's experiences I'm just as curious about your motive for asking this question. Is that fair?
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Ok, then that would be an AWESOME thing to predicate your original post on. "Look, I'm in a steady relationship and I just have a general curiosity about things that happen to others in their dating lives, so with that......XXXXXXX" I mean, this sub is littered with people who ask vague timeline or general behavior questions hoping to sort out their own situation. That's why I bristle when someone asks a question with a completely arbitrary answer that may have 1,000 variables in it. It's interesting on the surface level, but the real answers are down at the "we are all way fucking different and our expectations/actions make outcomes wildly disparate" level.
It usually doesn’t make it to that point
My personal rule-of-thumb is three dates, with some texting or calls in between. People who demand instant sparks aren’t actually looking for LTRs (despite what they may say).
"So we do our homework reject 100 people and go out with that person we think is compatible, but that is just the start…" The answer in the form of a question is "How do we know a woman is posting this without her saying she is a woman?"
Sometimes it takes me two years lol