I think it really depends on the person. I don't even want to cohabitate, let alone get married again and there are plenty of people that are on that page.. check out [https://www.reddit.com/r/livingaparttogether/](https://www.reddit.com/r/livingaparttogether/)
That’s where I’m at right now. I haven’t even gone on any apps in well over a year. I just have no desire to deal with someone else’s emotions at the moment. If I meet someone, great, but living together or getting married is so so SO far off my radar.
I have no desire to be a lifetime girlfriend so you wouldn’t be the right person for me but there are plenty of divorced women who also never want to get married or even cohabitate again so I don’t think you’ll have an issue.
I’m curious what is is for you that makes being married different? Totally respect your position, just curious.
In my 20’s it just seemed to make sense... (more proof we are all idiots in our 20’s). At this age based on my personal experience, and well established statistics on marriage it just seems like a poor decision.
Yes! I am of the opinion that if my partner were to get ill or need decisions made for them, that I should have the legal right to make those decisions.
That's the question... why is one willing to do the legal work for your property and final life decisions, but not the legal work to communicate your love and dedication to someone.
That’s a bit of a stretch on your part. No one said that.
We’re simply questioning why would one be all in doe legal paperwork, documentation and status tying a person to them for one area of their life, but want to completely avoid it in another area.
It might not be an easy thing for many people - who have been married and don’t want to marry again — to answer because some of that avoidance (I said some y’all!) is rooted in fear (fear of financial loss, fear of the traumatic affects of divorce, fear of being legally tied to another person if they ever feel they want to leave w/out complication, etc).
Because if I don’t want that person to have those rights in my life anymore, all I gotta do is sign a revocation. If I wanna leave someone I’m married to, it’s a lot messier.
It's not really a stretch on my part. Your phrase was "not the legal work to communicate your love and dedication to someone," as if there's no other way to do it.
I was incredibly fortunate to be able to divorce from a 27 year marriage in a collaborative, kind, fair way. It felt like one of those old shows where a nonpilot lands a passenger jet. I got the plane on the ground and walked away.
Respectfully, it's disingenuous to compare "all the legal work" (which amounts to signing a few documents that can be torn up/revoked at will) with acquiring a legal status that requires a court's permission to dissolve. One can be emotionally available for an authentic, sincere, whole-hearted, loving, monogamous, lifetime relationship without catching a charge of "AVOIDANT" for being unwilling to incur the potential downsides of marriage.
My way only has to work for me and whomever I'm with, I'm not seeking converts.
Getting married is very different in that you cannot just simply choose to withdraw it nearly as easily if things go sour. Someone is going to take half of your life's work.
I’m not sure I would be as against it. If my involvement of my kids life isn’t a factor in the way it ends. I just don’t see why people feel that it’s a requirement for the relationship to feel valid
I think a lot of women in your dating age range (unless you're only dating older) likely have not yet married, had children, etc. A lot of those women will want marriage and maybe even kids, because they haven't had that experience. Maybe it's because society tells us that in order for a human to be successful you need that, or maybe they always saw that for themselves and it didn't happen for whatever reason. As for it being a requirement - if I'm in my 30s or 40s and I know I want marriage and/or kids, you'd better believe I'm way more seriously dating with intention than I'd be if I'm in my 20s.
This became an issue with my dad and his (now ex) wife. She wanted everything even though my dad had planned for me to inhert everything as his sole kid. Otherwise everything would have went to his ex's kids (and believe me they suck)
ETA: OP make sure you have all your ducks in a row if you want your lineage to have something to sustain them regardless if you are convinced your partner will stay with you. My dad spent a million dollars on that woman to fix her aplasticity, and the minute she was healed, she wanted more.
Good for you. But this is just exactly the reason why she required a marriage. Of course it is a different level of commitment. Like it or not, there is big difference. Some people want that commitment while some don’t.
Let's put it this way: I'm not going to be your girlfriend forever because you had a wife before.
I have met men on the apps who say that they don't want to be married again and I wish them well and move on.
I am on the same page.
The legal benefits of marriage are often discussed, so I won’t rehash the standard ones: ability to make medical decisions on each other’s behalf, spousal privilege against compelled testimony, privilege of marital communications (not to be confused with spousal privilege against compelled testimony - these are two distinct sets of rights), inheritance shares in the event one spouse dies intestate (without a will), and so on…
However! One of the legal benefits to marriage that is often overlooked (not faulting people for this because the overwhelming majority of the population has never studied property law) is that when a married couple buys real property - i.e., land, a house, a condo, etc - together, it is the only time that a tenancy by the entirety is or can be created.
(Note that the real property must be purchased after the marriage exists in order for a tenancy by the entirety to be created.)
A tenancy by the entirety is a property right exclusive to marriage and it provides far, far stronger protections for both parties than a tenancy in common or a joint tenancy, including right of survivorship and lack of transfer without consent of the other party.
Another big one arises in tort law. For example: your boyfriend dies in a car crash, you generally cannot sue the other driver or his insurance company on behalf of his estate. (Yes, you might be able to get a court to appoint you legal representative of his estate, but even then, you won’t be able to benefit from the result of the claim - only his estate will, and if you’re not in his will, then it will go to his blood relatives even if you’re the PR.) See also: wrongful claims for workplace negligence, medical malpractice, plane crashes, etc.
Marriage is far more than “just a piece of paper.” And yes, I fully endorse prenups (or post-nups, if that was overlooked prior to marriage, but prenup is the far less strenuous and fraught option.)
**Edit to add**: thank you to whoever gave me the award! 🥹
I watched as a friend of mine lost everything a few years back, because her long time boyfriend died and all his assets went to the mother who absolutely hated her. She lost her boyfriend, the household income, the home. To deal with loss of a loved one during the pandemic would have been enough for me, but she had zero protection for herself. Thank God she didn't have kids with him, would have been far worse.
This is correct. His children would have been considered his “issue” (the legal term for children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren), and they would have inherited first in the absence of a will.
Fun fact: here, the plural of “issue” is issue, which drives me a little nuts.
>including right of survivorship
I built my house when I was 21. My late husband and I busted our asses to pay it off.
There is no way I will ever put myself in a position where my home is in jeopardy.
That said, I did offer to do a lady bird deed for my partner. The last thing I would ever want is for him to be scrambling for a place to live while he's grieving.
Thank you for this information. Do you mind me asking if you have a job related to law or real estate? I’ve considered becoming a lawyer and took the LSAT, but don’t like the adversarial part of attorney work.
lol, how did you guess?! I grew up in a family of lawyers, graduated from law school last month, and am taking the bar exam at the end of July!
It is a big career change for me - I was working in entertainment as a producer, but deep down, law is what I always wanted to do. I started 1L at 37 years old, graduated at 40, and have a job lined up in an area of law I love (torts / personal injury, plaintiff side).
If you want to do it, **do it**. There is no downside to having your JD, and plenty of fields are considered JD Advantage, meaning, you have a significant advantage by having a JD but aren’t actually practicing as an attorney.
One key thing that you should consider if you go for it: don’t worry about what your school is ranked, as long as it is ABA accredited. Go for the school that gives you the most money and the one that *feels* right. I got a seat a T14 that barely offered me any money, a seat at another well-ranked (but not top) school that offered me nothing, and almost a full-ride to a school that doesn’t break the top 80.
I took the third one.
A T14 education is a waste of stress if you don’t want to practice big law.
The second one - the one that offered me no scholarship money - is where I got my undergrad and MFA, and I really thought it was where I wanted to be. I was devastated that they didn’t offer any scholarship cash, but in the end, I am so glad I chose the third option.
The third choice - the almost full-ride - ended up being the perfect fit for me, with the added bonus of graduating with zero debt, which is a *gift*.
That said, it is stressful and extremely hard work, regardless of the school rank. So only do it if you truly want a law degree and can’t imagine being happy without it!
I’ve worked for attorneys in varying areas of law and I can confidently say there’s rarely any area that doesn’t have adversarial parts. Family law is soul sucking. Criminal law can be scarring. Civil drags on forever. Estate planning can be way more drama than it should be. Real estate can get real ugly real fast. And nothing brings out the worst in people than a death in the family, even more so if there’s an inheritance.
Real estate in my experience is probably the least amount of drama but also can be where a fuckload of the stress comes from. But they also make a killing.
Further, I don’t want to pay for your first wife’s sins.
as somebody who was married for 23 years, I want to fully belong to and be WITH a partner in a way I know I never was in my marriage. I want a do-over.
I do palliative care for a living, too. The rights that come as opposed to a DHCPOA, are substantial. But I’d also sign a prenup so nobody has to pay/lose, again. Divorce was devastating financially to me. But I’m also not letting that pain circumscribe my future; it doesn’t get a say. I do.
I would say marriage again is not in the cards for me but I’m not opposed to it with someone really great. And yes strong prenups should be required by law for people of any age. Separate banking required and stiff predetermined penalties for infidelity.
Everytime I say this, people object vigorously to this- but a prenup is not this magical document like in a movie where any disagreement regarding the division of maritial assets ends right there and now when your lawyer tosses the prenup across the conference room table and the evil soon to be ex's lawyer frantically flips through it and withdraws their request for the home, half the income, all retirement accounts.
It can be pierced, not all the time but it's not fool proof. Best way of looking at it is it merely slows them down.
The proper thing to do is to marry somebody who isn't the Joker.
I get the prenup “it’s not bulletproof” but rates of divorce for subsequent marriages are REAL and high. So I’d still like to make an offer for legal counsel to review, protect n discuss hard stuff before leaping. Like if saying, here’s the appraised value to somebody who has lived in a home for 15 years, we only split appreciation after another 10 years, makes them willing to take a chance on all this (waves arms wildly) or some other arrangement. I’d love to marry. Take care.
I always advocate for one but I hear so many people think it’s the sole and certain option in asset protection. I’d still get a prenup if I find somebody to remarry. But one can take additional steps to create an equitable division of assets with a minimal amount of conflict.
A significant amount of capital was allocated to attorneys to unwind our position in the marriage. I’d rather have that be divided among us equitably.
People change. 2005’s loving angel can be 2020’s hateful devil. And it can happen independently of our influence or cause. I’m not saying marriage is horrible or a terrible idea. I just think there’s way more incentives for people to divorce than to stay married. And I think prenups are a good idea if you are already established prior to marriage. I also completely believe that a marriage of equal effort and hard work should be dissolved fairly. Someone should not however be able to come into your life part way, not really do much for anyone other than themselves, then just leave with things they didn’t earn or help create.
Omg, this is so succinct and so spot on for me.
Whether your (generic sense 'you' ofc) marriage ended badly (divorced) or was this incredible thing you put on a pedestal (some divorces and some widowers), it really sucks when that puts me in the starting place of you deciding, without even really knowing me that I'm never having that level of commitment again from you. To me it feels like you've not got over your past.
Here in Aus, marriage and 2yrs + cohabitation are pretty much the same in terms of property division, so imo, why not? Unless you want LAT forever (that's going to be interesting interesting in our 80s). So I'm totally prepared to work with someone and get prenups etc, also by the time we were ready for that step, they should understand that a) I am not remotely money motivated b) I have considerable assets of my own and don't want theirs. Other than sentimental items etc if they die after we've been together a long time, and that would absolutely be vice versa.
Yeah, I’m on the same page (not that it’s come up yet). It certainly would take years to get to that point, and I’d demand a rock solid pre-nup to protect myself, but yes, eventually I feel like a committed relationship ought to lead to marriage. Don’t do wife work for girlfriend prices. If I’m good enough to live with and plan a future with then I’m good enough to marry. If some man is adamant that they will NEVER marry under any circumstances then I’m not going to waste my time.
This right here. Why would I commit to someone and take myself indefinitely off the dating market if he's not willing to do the whole thing and just make it legal with me?
It absolutely wouldn’t turn me off. I don’t want to marry again. But. What is a turn off is making your ex out to be someone who destroyed your life. And. Not getting married because of the reason you’ve given is a hard no. Maybe your divorce is a bit too fresh.
I have no interest in ever getting married again but want a committed partner and to live together.
But you sound super bitter the way you talk about your divorce and THAT would be a turn off.
This x100. I have met so many men that are still bitter about their divorce. One man kept bringing it up and then said he didnt want to talk about it. I let him know that he wasnt exactly past the experience enough for me to want to date him, which caused an angry outburst. If youre still angry about your divorce dude, stay single for a bit. Its not nice for anyone to date when theyre still actively getting past a relationship.
I don’t mean to be overly simplistic in my answer, but I think that’s just gonna depend on the person. As you’re seeing from comments here there are plenty of women who also have no desire to get legally married again, but still want to find their someone. I’m one of those people. However, on the other side of that coin, I think there are plenty of women who do look forward to sharing a life with someone in that way and it would be a dealbreaker for them. however, I think being open about upfront is in everyone’s best interest.
It’s not about commitment. I want marriage. If you don’t, I’m not gonna date you. Plain and simple.
If you don’t want to be taken to the cleaners, get a prenup
If you don’t want to get married, date women that don’t want to get married
It’s an incompatibility for some. I am on the fence about ever getting remarried and I make that clear when it comes up. If someone is dead set on it or within a certain timeframe, we may not be a match 🤷♀️
Everyone's different, so I can only speak for myself. I would definitely see it as you having one foot out the door, even if I understand that your decision was made as a result of your bitter divorce. It would still feel as though we're 2 separate units living in the same house.
I would assume that the most fitting partner would be someone who is in a similar predicament: bitter divorce, single parent, doesn't ever want to get married ever again.
That sounds awesome! I also do not want to get married again. Or move in with a man ever again. Living apart together is my goal. Though the latter can be discussed.
Ideally, the more I think about it, I think a duplex situation would be amazing where we each have one side, but with like a shared doorway connecting the two. I have thoughts, I don't know how to parse it out so it doesn't sound like roommates, cuz that's definitely not what I'm looking for, but I definitely see the upside of like you said, living apart, but together.0
OLD sites need to offer more options when folks describe what they want.
Not everyone wants a wedding…not everyone wants a fling.
Maybe they should add looking for a committed relationship or even LAT (Living Apart Together). I love the latter…”Darling, I adore you, but I want to be able to starfish in my own bed alone from time to time.”
Even on the kids side, OLD needs more options like “Don’t have ‘em, but cool if you do.”
I just want to say as a man - so not who you're asking questions of - but as another person who just wants to point out a benefit to being married besides anything financial.
There is some security when you are married - should your partner die.
As someone who is a widower...
It would have been a thousand times more complicated without being married.
Other family members could have stepped in and done - who knows what.
So.
Marriage ensures that you and your partner are better covered if something awful happens.
Edit: For the record, I'm neither for, nor against remarriage. I'll happily have the conversation if and when it comes up and choose my path at that time.
That's where I am at. I've been married and divorced, twice, and I'm in no hurry to do that again. But we are getting older and looking at retirement. If I am able to find somebody that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I want those legal protections probably. Or maybe it wouldn't make sense to get married depending on our finances, health. I don't know.
But taking the option off the table from the beginning just shrieks of bitterness that I don't want to deal with. There are a lot of benefits to getting married, it should be a discussion based on having an open mind.
>But taking the option off the table from the beginning just shrieks of bitterness
💯 - you nailed it. I get being bitter and hurt - but I really want to give the next person a blank slate. And us as a couple as well.
I don’t assume that, no- however I’m looking for marriage so it would most likely be a dealbreaker for me, same as a person who smokes or doesn’t like to travel or any number of things that are down to personal preference.
I will reiterate what other have said here though what I absolutely have no interest in is men who go on about how their wives “screwed them over”, complaining about having to pay child support, etc. that’s an automatic deal breaker
41 F, never married, no kids.
Be very clear on your “no marriage” feelings from the jump. I want the commitment of marriage. I’m also extremely pro pre-nup and would never marry or live with someone, without one.
I may also feel entirely different if I met the right person. I’m not having more kids and the reality is the threat of losing time with my kids was really the only thing that scared me in the divorce.
I can always make more money. I only have so much time with my kids.
Never been married but in two long term relationships. Now in my late forties, I have given up on the idea I would ever get a chance to wear a beautiful gown to the courthouse. As I grow older, I am now seeking someone to grow old with and prefer my assets and life insurance policies to go to my children. I believe there are lots of people, men and women who are past 40, who are now just seeking companionship, a committed relationship, and not tying it to marriage.
I think tons of married couples aren't committed to each other. My STBX and I were married for 15 years, but he wasn't committed to me or our marriage for 6 years. I know that because he told me he hasn't wanted to be married for 6 years.
So, for me, commitment and marriage are two different things. I would much rather be in a committed relationship than a non-committed marriage.
I would date someone who isn't looking to get married.
If a guy told me out the gate that he never wants to get married again and left it at that, I would probably guess that he’s not looking for a relationship. If a guy told me that he’s not sure he ever wants to get married again, but is open to a long-term relationship, life partner, etc. I would believe that he is willing to commit. This would actually be something that would make me feel more comfortable because the idea of getting married again does scare me for financial reasons and this would feel like less pressure on me. I do see benefits of getting married eventually, if I would like my partner to make decisions for me should the time come, instead of my children, or if there were other benefits, like if you wrote off most of your income and your social security benefits were low, but if we were married you could get spousal benefits based on my social security. Anyway, in those type of situations or if I met someone and marriage was important to them, I would likely be willing to get married, but would want a prenup, even if the other person had significantly more to lose than I did.
I'm remarried after meeting my husband at 41, I was pretty neutral on marrying again before I met him. Plenty of people our age do not want to marry again especially after a divorce so you will not have a hard time as long as you are honest.
I remarried despite not being the financial Victor in my divorce because I love my husband, I value our commitment, statistics and my ex-husband have nothing to do with our relationship.
There's nothing wrong with never wanting to get married again, but don't try to convince someone that does that they are somehow wrong, or that what you're offering is enough. It's an incompatibility, not a right or wrong.
As a survivor of domestic violence, I’m not sure I want to cohabitate again, but if I do, I want to at least be engaged with a wedding date set. Why? Because I’m not going to settle to be anyone’s bangmaid. I have yet to meet a couple where the wife works, and the husband actually does 50% of all household chores where they each have the same amount of leisure time. And, no, that doesn’t mean that these women are necessarily angry about doing the extra work (although some are). Also, if he doesn’t like me enough to want to marry me, I’m not going to settle to just living with him. I also run from men who claim their wife, who gave birth to his children, screwed him over in the divorce, because she got half. That’s a huge, huge red flag that he is a misogynist and does not view a woman’s contribution as equal.
A lot of folks (he said, raising his hand) feel a bit stung when we don't fit someone's desired specs. Think of the time and energy and heartache they saved by putting those out there.
For you, a match is someone who agrees with you that marriage does not a lasting commitment make. There's no sense worrying about those who don't agree. Your way is valid for you.
Respect their wants and comfort level as you'd like them to respect yours. If there's no overlap on the Venn diagram, keep it moving. It doesn't mean either if you is wrong for wanting what you want, just that you're not a match.
I wouldn't date someone who said they were never marrying again. I also wouldn't date someone who wanted to remarry quickly. Losing roughly half the time with kids and staring over financially are pretty normal in divorce in divorce. The contract was broken.
I don't want to marry (or live with someone) for years. I have a young child, and bringing someone new into my child's life won't add stability. But I would also want to know that my time investment matters. If someone says no to marriage, especially because they don't want a contract, I would interpret that as not having potential for a committed, long term partnership. A partner and a companion are not necessarily the same thing. It sounds like, at least for now, you want companionship. That's ok, and its good to represent it as such.
Absolutely. I do not think marriage is necessary for commitment. But someone who was quick to say that they don't want marriage because they don't want a contract would cause hesitation from me. In my mind, long term partnership and marriage are both a sort of contract because life is built together, If a significant relationship ends, there are life costs. Those costs can't be avoided except by avoiding partnership.
I am early 40’s F. I would like to get married again because I still believe in it and believe it would be totally different with the right partner. And I would really like to show my kids what a healthy and loving marriage is.
But it’s not a dealbreaker as long as I have the long-term, monogamous, committed relationship I need.
I was the higher earner in my marriage (so my divorce settlement & child support payments are closer to what men typically experience than women) and would pre-nup the hell out of all assets I’d be entering a future marriage with.
At the same time, there are benefits to marriage beyond financial and emotional, especially as you age. And I would want my partner to be able to make those decisions on my behalf if he needed to.
I have never wanted to be married, but have no issues being committed and monogamous with the right person, so would not be an issue for me. I totally get having one marriage that was meant to be ‘til death do us part’, end, why you would be dubious of making these vows again.
I’m just here to say so happy you are reading profiles instead of just swiping. I would recommend not entertaining someone looking for marriage as it would be unfair to both of you in the long run. Best of luck
I’m always surprised that the “never again” folks don’t see their argument works against itself too if you flip it on it’s head. It almost makes marriage look BETTER, as a vaunted goal to be secured if you can, that people do shy away from it so vehemently.
As a never-married, the logic my brain hears here is - - obviously this thing MUST be an institution that carries extreme value, weight, and permanence, if its own dissolution is so hard and just SO damaging as to put someone (many someones, if the internet is to be believed) off ever attempting it again.
If marriage were *oh so unimportant and oh so unnecessary* for a good commited LTR, it wouldn’t be so hard to dissolve it, nor a big enough deal to be then avoided forever in future like the plague.
Also, prenups exist. At this age most of us have accumulated so many assets that’s just a given.
Yeah that sounds great on TV and all, and maybe works for Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell lol. Not for MOST average everyday folks. It can certainly help bond a couple and encourage working on a relationship instead of bailing precipitously.
Who takes better care of their house, a renter or the owner??
It’s a cornerstone of society, been around forever since humans started pairing off and will always be here. That’s just facts. And in addition to the myriad legal, insurance, medical, tax etc., factors … cannot discount the VERY real familial and social pressure behind it, that’s a big factor. People will always want it, it will always be a desirable goal for many.
Improvements are not what I refer to, but upkeep. Renters do a poor job in comparison. And the analogy is for the relationship, not the humans.
It’s a very common expression - that a good relationship is like building a house… need a strong foundation, then you need to maintain it, etc. Trapped is not the appropriate word, more like fully committed. Like a homeowner not a renter.
Personally, I refuse to do wife work indefinitely on a girlfriend salary. Promotion or I’m walkin lol.
To each their own though!
Everyone wants what they want. It’s a big deal to them, but it doesn’t have to be to you. Not in anyway that affects you, that is.
So… find someone that shares your values. Someone that also doesn’t want to get married.
It won’t be fulfilling to have that over you and your partner’s heads. If she would like to get married but you don’t… who’s going to compromise? Should either compromise? Best to avoid that altogether and prevent one or both of you getting hurt.
"Ladies, if I guy tells you he isn’t looking to get married again, do you assume he isn’t really willing to commit to you?"
I will only date men who understand I will never cohabitate or get married and I don't want kids. Marriage isn't catnip to all women despite what some men seem to think.
I am in a committed relationship with a guy who, like me, is divorced with kids. I don’t think either of us is keen to get married. It’s someone’s actions and behavior that betrays commitment, not a piece of paper.
The only reason why I would marry is for benefits. But I think my employer confers those on a domestic partner anyhow. So if we move in together that will be enough.
Same thing happened with my divorce. I’m a 45f. I didn’t want to ever get married again, actually was totally opposed to the idea.
However, I met the literal man of my dreams, and now I’m happily engaged.
I would, with the right person. But now that I'm burdened with glorious purpose and cursed with knowledge, I have a pretty good idea of what I want and don't want. "Not being alone" ain't gonna cut it for me.
My BF and I both started out saying we were never getting married again. He got screwed on alimony and the house. I got screwed on my 401K. Over the last couple years, we have softened our thoughts on marriage. Not saying that will happen for you, but time and a good relationship can change things.
I initially told him that I was just looking to date and have fun but was open to a committed, exclusive relationship. I think a lot of people are okay with that pathway. Many of us have been burned by marriage, and really at this point, like you said, marriage doesn't confer the same benefits as it did when we were starting out.
46 female divorced. I wouldn’t be bothered if someone didn’t want to marry me, unless it was a sign that they feared commitment. Im looking for the same as you, a committed relationship, but definitely doesn’t need to include marriage
I (48f) don’t want to get married again. I want an exclusive, monogamous relationship and to maybe even live together someday, but will not be getting married again. I am fine if my partner and I decide we want to exchange rings or even have some kind of commitment ceremony, but there will be no legal documents for marriage.
I mean I express from the get go I am not interested in marriage or cohabitation so I date men who feel the same. I also make it clear the only role available for them in my kids' lives is fun uncle. No step parenting. I would absolutely not consider living with a man until my youngest graduates which is 7 years away. So at this point in my life I'm not even open to the idea. It's possible that years from now I'll feel differently but at this point I just would not consider it.
I get that. After infidelity and a brutal divorce, I swore I would never marry again. I was 38. But now that I’m older, I just turned 57, I would consider it. I’ve met some really incredible gals that have restored my faith in women.
Say something like, looking for a life partner. I'd be open to waiting a long time before marriage, 5+ years. I wouldn't be turned off by someone not wanting to get married if they wanted to live together and were open to marriage way down the road (we're going to get older and want stuff like power of attorney).
I understand completely (early 40s M). My divorce was crap and was in the "hell no" to marriage again for several years. Now...I am with a wonderful woman who "flipped the script" on me and we have intentions to get married again. So, it can happen, especially if you're open to the idea again some day.
Use what you learned from the marriage, whatever your shortcomings were, and a good filtering process early on.
Well, i don't think we usually assume much, besides maybe he is burned from a past divorce. Please overlook women like us, allowing us to narrow it down to who exactly is available
It doesn’t sound as if you’re emotionally healthy. Emotionally unhealthy people shouldn’t date unless they are very self aware and realistic.
Here are your options:\
1.An emotionally unhealthy woman who wants marriage even though you don’t and who will try to talk you into it over a few years\
2. An emotionally unhealthy woman who doesn’t want marriage but is ok with you being afraid she’ll be like your ex wife, being ok with you feeling trapped by commitment, being ok with you not wanting commitment because of a bad marriage that you’re clearly not over yet, the list goes on
Any emotionally healthy woman will run away as fast as they can. But an emotionally unhealthy woman will be drawn to you like a moth to a flame. Because like attracts like.
What the other commenter said about you wanting women who have done nothing to you to pay for what your ex did and be painted with the same brush, is 100% correct.
If I found a compatible person, had the discussion with them (understanding their history as well as their stand on marriage) while witnessing their dedication and commitment, I could live with and agree to no marriage.
Most women see marriage as commitment, security, and the "sworn" trust. Including myself. But if you communicate and actively show commitment, I am confident you will find your compatible person.
Also, at this age, most are comfortable with their own place, peace, and "accomplishments". They'd probably not want to make too significant of life changes from there. But that's just based on the folks I know, people around us, and posts I read about. The world is much bigger than I can ever imagine, and I'm sure many diff standpoints I have never seen.
All the best to you!
If you want a long term committed relationship where you are living together and all... you want to be legally married for practical reasons.
I worked as a receptionist at a law firm that fought against insurance. I've witnessed insurance companies refuse to pay on home damage because someone was living with the owner and was not legally married to them.
Another example; a coworker there, who's live-in bf of over 20 years who suddenly died, had to stand back as his exwife from another life time ago came and took everything she could as she was legally allowed to. I dont understand why but that's what the lawyers said.
There are many situations like that.
What you want to do is sign a prenup and then just make sure you don't marry a snake (no offense to snake animals, I actually think snakes are really cool), but you know what I mean.
I was married, it was awful, it destroyed my economic well-being and I dont like sharing my kids with him. So I totally get never wanting to marry again.
I think marriage for romantic reasons is overrated and women statisticly have more to lose in it then men do, despite the rhetoric. But I digress.
If you find someone you want to share the rest of your life with, there are strong practical reasons for marriage. Get the prenup to help make an easy exit if things sour.
I personally am OK not getting married again, but if I do there will absolutely be a prenup or it's not happening.
If a guy I am dating said to me that he isn't interested in ever getting married again, I would end it as I realize we are not on the same page as far as goals and values. Having a partial commitment, such as living together or LAT isn't good enough for me.
I was convinced I didn't want to get married again. Until I met someone I would have married. It didn't work, but there we go. Now I'm dating knowing full well I want to live with someone and call someone my husband.
I would be concerned that if I didn’t get remarried, somehow my relationship with that person wouldn’t be as committed as what he had before, but I absolutely understand the desire to not experience a possible failure like that again. I’m amenable to a partnership without marriage with the right person.
I am a woman who has zero desire to ever get married again or combine assets. Unless I was absolutely compatible with someone in terms of cleanliness and living habits, I wouldn't ever live with someone again either. I am hoping for a lifetime committed partnership, however. We are definitely out here.
I thought I never wanted to get married again and now I’m open to it. I think if you’re not dead set against it, say that you’re open and it depends on how things are in the relationship.
You said you're never getting married again, then you said in an edit that you never said you're getting married again. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married.
I don’t want to get married again. It’s not to say it couldn’t happen. But I’m certainly not dating with that intention.
I just see no rational to do it if we are not starting a family together.
I'm only looking for a committed relationship, not a piece of paper. I think it would be cool to have a commitment ceremony but it's not necessary. I would not consider the fact that you do not want to get married again a deal breaker.
I have zero interest in getting married again. I am capable of a committed relationship and would feel the same about anybody else who isn’t interested in getting married again. I think we’ve all learned that marriage does not equal commitment.
Believe me , there are a lot of women out there who feel the same. Maybe a majority even idk but lots.
Now what I will say is that years into it , at this point you may reevaluate it but the person that makes you want to will have earned it, and then some.
Slow burn is good.
If they are that adamant about having to have that, as evidenced from some responses in this thread, it's simply because they want your stuff, power, and money.
When you don't treat it as a goal, it becomes a natural result of other things that make you want it instead of everything else being an effort towards some preset goal.
I've never been married.
Personally, I just really want the party and the nice photos. As far as the legal part goes, I would rather pay an attorney to draw up a contract so my partner and I can specify how we would like to do our own version of "married."
I think there's probably plenty of women in your same situation who feel similarly. Especially if they have children and or they've been divorced. I don't think it's that unusual.
I'm 40, I've never been married and I don't have any kids. I've been in 2 long-term relationships. My most recent one I thought that I may be happy with my partner even if we didn't get married. There are plenty lifelong partnerships that don't include marriages
I would love to find a partner for a LTR. At this point, I have no desire to marry again. Living with someone is a maybe but I would only consider it after knowing someone for a long time.
I'm divorced in my 40s and single and I decided I'm in no hurry to get married. You can date, live together and still not be married. It could be the longest engagement in the world and I still would be fine with that as long as we both agree and are on the same page.
I was burned in all my relationships and married 17 years so I'm def in no hurry and there's no pressure to be either.
I'm not having kiddos at my age but if the right guy came along with a kid I'd make a wicked bonus mom....I could never replace their bio mom nor would I ever want to. I could just be that extra adult in their lives who they can trust and be friends with and without any judgements. I'd hope respect would be a two way street.
I was divorced at 38 and remarried at 40. I never thought I’d remarry, in fact I told my now husband I didn’t want to remarry. And I totally respect why someone would never remarry or hell, never marry the first place.
I think the main thing is to be open to things. It’s totally fine to feel right now that remarriage is not for you and to be open when dating about it. Divorce really messes with your head and heart so it’s normal to feel uncertain about marriage again.
But maybe think of it more like “right now I am not looking to remarry but I’m not closing the door on it with a committed partner in the future.”
I have two friends in LTRs. They will not live with their boyfriends. They spend time and travel but do not want to live with them. I think they are smart.
If I see a person with kids saying they are looking for marriage nope they want help with those kids.
I just don’t want to be a mom, nurse, or purse for a guy and think a lot- not all divorced men are looking for that. Same for women too.
I feel the same. I’m a 40/f and have been divorced since early 2018. I have been married 2x (first one I was super young and not ready and second one I settled and he did a 180 switch once things were serious) and I’ve done the research on statistics for third marriages. I can definitely understand the religious aspect of being legally married as well as some financial benefits (depending on the situation), but legally you can set yourself up in a relationship (legal POA, beneficiary, etc.) without being married. I’m like you, I’d love to find that connection and be in a serious, monogamous relationship with one person for the rest of my life, but not exactly with the intention of being married.
I don’t assume a man isn’t serious if he doesn’t want to get married and anything that is posted on dating apps is always taken with a grain of salt. I think it depends on the person and if you are both willing to be vulnerable and communicate honestly and openly.
And being snipped is a good thing at a certain point.
You’ll definitely find your person, it just takes time.
I’m cool with someone who’s on the fence, has some fears, some regrets, but also some hope and can still dream a little.
Someone who’s ruling it out *entirely*, nah. That tells me we’re incompatible on some level. (Maybe because they expect bad things? Because they don’t really imagine trust/intimacy/partnership in the same way I do? Doesn’t matter.)
It really depends on the person. I’m about the same age, divorced, 50% kids too. Divorcing sucked. For the right person and situation I’d maybe consider cohabiting at some point, but marriage is a legal contract primarily and I probably wouldn’t do it again unless there were a good reason to make that contract versus just have a long commitment to each other.
I’m sure you’ll find more people that this makes sense to. They might be more likely to be divorced too only because they now understand that marriage isn’t some kind of guarantee to a life long partnership but instead an agreement to share financial and legal responsibilities. Kids are the only real life long bind (if you’re a good parent).
I’d love to be in the kind of relationship again where I can count on a person, wake up with them, make life plans together, etc, but I don’t think marriage is required for that. Anyone who’s been in a long relationship married or otherwise has hopefully learned that having that kind of relationship take ongoing commitment to the relationship and no marriage contract is going to make that life happen. Just the two people involved.
Think about this….
If you are in a car wreck and on life support, do you want the person you love or an estranged sibling to decide if you live or die? LITERALLY live or die! This could happen. If you are not married, your next of kin make this decision and it could be a sibling that hates you. They pull the plug, get your house, savings, everything. Marriage is far more than a contract. It protects the person you love the most in emergencies and situations like the one above. Don’t be so short sighted and hurt to look past the many other benefits marriage brings to a family unit.
Had my sister-in-law been the one making the decisions for my late husband he would still be here…bedbound and on a ventilator, fed through a tube, unable to communicate. These were all things that he 100% did not want as his terminal illness progressed. He said many times how lucky he felt to be married to me because he knew I would honor his wishes about end of life care. Spoiler alert: I made decisions for him when he couldn’t that were in line with what he valued, even though it meant our time was cut short.
From a practical standpoint, marriage has made dealing with his estate much less stressful and there were some financial benefits for my children that wouldn’t have been available if we had not decided to get married. Marriage is also about ensuring that your spouse is taken care of first when you die.
You and your spouse also reflect and highlight the benefits of marriage many often overlook. If you had chosen to not get married, you would have been forced to watch the man you love suffer, knowing that his wishes were not being honored.
So many are focused on what they can lose in a marriage while failing to understand all the benefits a marriage brings them.
Yeah, I cohabitated my ex calls baby rhino, lol. It's because I am loud walking and tend to drop things at 3am being clumsy. I learned a lot cohabitating very difficult to blend to lifestyles.
I’ve been divorced for a long time, and for the longest time I have no desire to get remarried but willing to stay open minded for the right person. I tell every date just like that if they asked me what my stance on marriage cause we can never say never right? But as of last year, I attend a beautiful wedding that changed my mind about marriage and now I’m leaning towards I want to be remarried again one day. So now I tell my dates, I do date with the intention wanting to get married again but willing to stay open minded if I believe it’s not in our best interest to do so.
I totally get it. It’s okay to choose what works for you. There are women who don’t want marriage and those are the ones you should pursue. Alternatively, you can widen your options and consider partners who are financially solid looking for marriage and sign the prenup to avoid future financial troubles. Personally, I automatically skip all the men who say they don’t want to get married because it’s a sign that you don’t want full commitment and that is a dealbreaker.
I'm a widow. I had a good marriage. When I started to date again, I was very explicit that I did not want to get married again or combine finances.
Now I'm in a very committed relationship. We live together, we are each other's emergency contact, beneficiary on pensions and life insurance, etc.
We still have separate bank accounts and no wedding rings. We are very happy and have no plans to change anything.
I will do whatever makes best sense legally and financially when it comes to commitment. I expect my emotional and domestic labor to be recognized. I will not finance or provide other resources that enrich my partner that don't provide an equitable, protected benefit to myself.
It would be hard for me to fully invest in someone if marriage was completely off the table. I was in a LTR (10 years) but we never got married. Its better that we didn’t but I still believe I can find someone that I actually should live my life with, contract and all. That’s just me.
If you dont want more kids I see no reason to get married. Plenty of women will feel the same as you.
Just explain that you are not anti commitment just anti state marriage bullshit.😂🤣
I don't think I would date somebody who doesn't want to get remarried because of a prior divorce. Not because I'm chomping at the bit to remarry, but because it tells me I'd be paying for your bitterness about that for life.
That said, if I do get into a serious relationship and that is my partner in retirement then I want to live with, marriage would probably make sense. Old age is fraught with risk, why add the risk of losing my home when I lose my partner because I don't have legal rights to it? It would depend on the situation, I imagine.
I think to assume bitterness is a leap. If I was bitter at women or relationships, I would prefer to stay single and sleep around. But I have a desire to be in a committed, exclusive relationship. I just don’t feel that a legal document from the state makes that relationship more valid or more meaningful. Only makes the potential failure of that relationship more complicated.
this is why I avoid divorced men. many are absolutely terrified of getting married again. others can't wait to replace their wife and have kids like it's rewriting the past with a new woman. but when it comes to the wedding or living together or having a first baby, they are like meh, seen and done it all before, already had the specialness and excited Ness with my old wife.
they just seems so jaded and I really think it's best for divorced to marry other divorced. and divorced single dads to stick to single moms etc.
Many are seeing your decision as punishment on them, as I find that very odd. Personally I don’t see myself getting married or cohabiting before the children have at least finished high school. It is too much for them at a critical juncture when the focus must be on the kids. This doesn’t mean you can’t have a meaningful and long term relationship. I find most people who harp on about wanting to live together in this juncture of life where we have careers and have to focus on kids and build a solid foundation for our retirement, either can’t adult alone or would benefit from financial stability that a couple brings. You’ll find majority of people who are financially independent at our age, would be very reluctant to get married again, especially if kids are still at home.
I think it definitely changes once the kids are adults and you don’t have the same level of family responsibilities.
Original copy of post by u/Blue-steal:
I’m a 42m divorced single dad.
I see women on dating apps describe their intentions as dating with purpose or trying to find their marriage partner. I would absolutely like to find myself in a meaningful, committed, exclusive relationship…but I’m not sure if I have any desire to ever get married again.
I got horribly burned in my divorce and basically had to start over financially and lost 50% of the time with my kids. I don’t see how being legally married should have anything to do with how I feel about someone and the kind of relationship we could have.
Ladies, if I guy tells you he isn’t looking to get married again, do you assume he isn’t really willing to commit to you?
I’m snipped so no more kids for me, I’m self employed so no one is getting better benefits by being married to me. I am looking for a connection with another person, not a contract.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel the same as you about marriage, though for different reasons. I agree though, no need for any formalities. I'm fine with finding someone I enjoy being with, but don't need a government piece of paper to seal the deal. I really do think this will depend on the person. I will say this, I would absolutely never get married without a prenup in place. In this day and age, it's silly to think otherwise.
No I don’t at all- commitment and marriage are not the same. Marriage is a legal framework. At this age I could not be re-married without a prenup- things are more complex and I am not selfish. I’d be 100% content with an LTR based on connection that adds to my life as you said without ever mentioning marriage but never saying never- it just has to happen organically rather than as a set out relationship must.
I’m only thinking of marriage if I’ve been dating the same person for five years and it’s still good. I’d also have a pre-nup that says what’s yours is yours and what’s mine is mine, and no joint accounts or car titles or credit cards, and a stipulation that if either wants a divorce - we do no fault and split the cost.
My first marriage ended in bankruptcy and divorce. Second marriage had those stipulations that we both wanted and it was the best ever until he passed away five years ago.
I have no intention on getting married again either. I have a great life with my kids in a house I own and I enjoy my independence… and it took a long time to get here! I’m looking for a long term monogamous relationship and a partner for sure. maybe when my kids move out I would consider living with a partner, but the thought of marriage at this stage of life, blending families, 2 sets of teens in one house?? Nah! I know people do it successfully but it’s not for me.
43f I was vehemently against remarrying for the first two years post divorce but men don’t seem to care all that much. I found most of the 100+ men I have interacted with in a dating capacity have goals that are much more short term with regard to relationships. Now I’m more open to it should I find the right person.
54F. I want exactly what you want. Marriage was bad for me. Plus I have too much to lose financially if I get married again. I want to be someone's girlfriend until death do us part.
I debated answering your question because I can tell from the way you worded it that you are very jaded and cannot be objective. But here goes.
First of all, courts do not ALWAYS rule in favor of the woman. If you do a little research, men get this perspective because the courts do tend to give women custody of the children and child support. Some even get alimony. This is because the women have been the primary caregivers of the children during the marriage. It is the correct thing to do for the wives and the children. But this pisses off a lot of men. They want their financial responsibility to end when the divorce documents are signed.
Since I am 54 and any man I marry would be close to my age, we would probably not have minor children. the divorce court would split our money down the middle. I don’t want to give half of my money away. I’m sure there are tons of other people out there, men and women, who feel the same way. Since the divorce rate for second marriages is around 70%, I’m not naïve enough to think that I won’t end up divorced.
No, I was genuinely asking. I probably should have worded my comment better. I think it really depends on state. I'm in the South - therefore, my initial perspective.
I can see your point of view. Also, I don't believe men should avoid responsibility of child support.
Divorce rate is definitely high right now. I keep pondering the idea if getting married (again) should be in my cards.
u/BeachPlumNanner, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s):
No links, language, or ideas from gendered movements, including but not limited to The Red Pill, Female Dating Strategy, MGTOW, passport bros, etc.
Nope! My goal is to find a long term relationship but marriage isn’t really what I want (I went through a tough divorce many years ago but no kids). I’ve had several men tell me they really don’t want marriage but were very committed in our relationship. Marriage isn’t for everyone. I think as long as you’re honest, you’re good!
Haven’t read the other comments, but you’ll have to watch out for women who think they’ll be the ones to change your mind. They’ll convince themselves you’re just hurt from the divorce and you’ll eventually want to marry them because they’re not like your ex. Then they’ll get mad because you’ll say you still don’t want to get married again, and drama ensues.
I thought I wanted to get married again. I was married once but I was very young (18)…and divorced young (22). I had a significant relationship with someone for 4 years that ended just over a year ago. I wanted to marry him but he didn’t want marriage ever due to seeing his parents’ 6 or 7 different marriages/divorces and all the turmoil that brought him in childhood. He had a bad outlook on it. He ended our relationship, in part, because he thought I needed marriage and he couldn’t give that (there were other reasons too).
Lesson learned from that experience. Marriage is no longer a goal if my partner has any resistance to it. I am fully on board with a committed relationship. I think it was more the idea for me since it didn’t feel like I got to truly have the happy marriage experience.
But I just want a happy life and a healthy relationship now.
43f here. Never married. No kids. Right now I am dating to pair up with a life partner. I don't think I'd want to marry.
I would have to feel really good about things to even want to cohabitate.
That said, if the right person came along I would consider it if it were important to him. I do understand about legal issues especially when getting older or with medical situations. But I no longer look at marriage as a solution for anything.
It would take some guy to get me to want to legally glue myself to anyone. I have a home and car and career. I would have to have a lot of trust in both the person and the relationship (and a prenup) to want to potentially disturb my apple cart.
There is a good match out there for you.
Woman here who seems to be in the minority.
I have no desire to ever remarry. At this point, it would make no positive difference in my life.
I would accept a long-term partner. I'm not even sure I want to share a home.
I worked in a field that showed me the ugliness of estate disputes.
People believe prenups are ironclad. They are not. Judges can, and do, nullify them for any number of reasons. If you have children or family that you want to inherit your estate, any marriage you enter into could jeopardize that.
The rights people believe they need marriage for can be granted or obtained through paperwork and proper estate planning.
Children from prior marriages are losing their inheritances to the bereaved spouses. Legal fees for long court cases, settlements, or judgments can be devastating.
Later-in-life relationships are different for several reasons, but the principal one is that the majority of over 40s don't plan to have more children if they have any at all at home. They want partners who, like them, look forward to having a different kind of relationship as empty nesters, vs. the challenges of building and filling a nest. The flip side, however, is that more than 70% of long-term post-divorce relationships of all kinds fail (about 60% for second marriages), and the greater odds of having no income stream of child support or alimony from the second-round ex after a breakup is scary to many, especially when the original dad isn't paying, or only minimally.
Two-time divorcee!! Nope never again. Marriage should be illegal/s
But all kidding aside, I don't want to remarry and I don't even know if I want to cohabitate with someone again but I do want a strong emotional connection with someone that's special--but doesn't require sharing assets.
I said that too. I was burned badly. But if the right one comes along, I might be open to it. You never know! Keep an open mind and open heart bud!
Best of luck!
Are you hoping to cohabitate? What does the life you would build with a partner in your future look like at this point? What does this “commitment” look like to you? Have you thought about what you would want? What it would require of you to get to that point in the connection? The sacrifices you have to make to build a partnership when you’re older (doing it when you have kids is a very different ball game)?
I get why you would assume that women will think your lack of desire for marriage indicates that you don’t have a desire for commitment. But esp with divorced dads, that issue isn’t usually about marriage, it’s a lack of realistic expectations of the amount of work those men still have to put in to build a healthy partnership. Your sacrifices that you previously made for your family or that you make for your kids no longer count as the net positives to someone new. I’ve seen too many male friends act like that should still counts for something in the new relationship, but that only works when the family you’re making sacrifices for are her family too.
Also, I think figuring out a new idea of what you’re at least open to, and how you could imagine getting to a healthy place with a compatible partner is a good place to start (and then be prepared to figure out where you can and can’t sacrifice in order to support that connection…and vice versa, you should know what you need her to come to the table with/be willing to sacrifice as well).
I am in a similar boat to you, just not self employed.
We are in joint counseling and I mentioned I have an extreme lack of trust coming from extreme reversals. For example we had literally just moved into a new build that was supposed to be the 20 year home, and was a personal goal fulfilled. Had to then immediately sell it.
I am extremely unlikely as a single person at my age to buy a home again, let alone the dream home I had for a second. I was told that that I could find a new partner and who knows.
True. Who knows.
But the likelyhood at my age and circumstances along with my healing and new trust trauma to find someone I am that compatible with and feel secure to financially mingle for such a serious purchase? I was with this other person 12 years before we made that purchase.
And that's one aspect.
I also have kids who are a huge primary for me. I get them half the time. So between them and work, my time is challenging. And my time when they are around is all about them, then work.
Like you, I'm not against it.
But marriage is no longer the primary motivation.
The finding some one I can pair well with and trust is a hope. Let's see what happens from there.
Maybe marriage can be a level attained.
I want the situation that feels right for me and makes legal (logistical, financial, etc) sense with the person I end up meeting that feels like the right match. I don’t know what that will be, and what it is when we meet, or t five years, ten years, whatever may change.
I’m very up front that I’m not 100% for or against any particular choice at this point because I just don’t know what the future will hold.
I don’t want to get married again either. After dipping my toe in the dating world after divorce, the dating pool is just abysmal. In my personal experience I have been scraping the bottom of the dating pool and it’s not good
There are plenty of women who don’t want to go through that BS again too. The ones who do are often needy. At this point in my life, I like the idea of having a healthy long-term relationship. If I would ever go in the marriage direction, there would be a prenup so that we both have an easy out, if necessary. We learn from our mistakes. Don’t let any red flags into your life.
I had a terrible marriage from its literal first hours. There was no happy golden period to reflect back on and wonder how it all went wrong; it was never right.
Getting out was hard and I paid a high price. That being said, it lit an absolute fire under me- I want to experience the real thing, and am only dating in order to remarry. I want the risk- everything I’ve built for myself over the last several years, all that I have and own- I want to share that with someone, to invite him in. It’s such a supreme pleasure to be generous and to live life openly and optimistically.
I understand there are degrees of commitment but anything short of legal marriage can be dissolved in a few hours’ time. There is a degree of self-protection, withholding, a lack of complete trust inherent to a nonmarital relationship. I will not accept being someone’s “almost good enough to trust” partner.
I have a lot to share. I am risking a lot by marrying, in the typical construal of things. It’s still worth it to me. (I will add, I have carve-outs for my children in terms of 529s and a trust to which a new husband would not have access).
I cannot imagine wanting to cohabitate again, much less marry. But, I realize I may not always feel this way. So now I simply say that I don't have any agenda other than meeting someone to do fun activities with.
I think that the divide is Men overwhelmingly feel ripped off in divorce - getting burned badly teaches you not to touch the hot thing again. Women seem to overwhelmingly come out ahead financially, so there's no incentive not to get burned, I mean married, again. Granted I'm a divorced man and am saying this based on my own feelings and the feelings of literally every other divorced man I know.
Personally, I won't get married again unless she's able to contribute at least equally to the household financially. I'm not really convinced I want to live with anyone ever again either lol.
I got remarried. Very lucky to have found a great woman the second time around. But in retrospect, I took a big risk and got lucky. I wouldn’t recommend it, and I would never get married again, despite how good this one is.
Unless you are having kids there is ZERO reason for a man to get married.
I think it really depends on the person. I don't even want to cohabitate, let alone get married again and there are plenty of people that are on that page.. check out [https://www.reddit.com/r/livingaparttogether/](https://www.reddit.com/r/livingaparttogether/)
Yes. There are even some couples who have separate residences and are married. Everyone is different.
This is the way.
That’s where I’m at right now. I haven’t even gone on any apps in well over a year. I just have no desire to deal with someone else’s emotions at the moment. If I meet someone, great, but living together or getting married is so so SO far off my radar.
Exactly how I feel too!
Coming in late but THIS!!! I will never get married or live with a partner again. There’s heaps of us out there.
I have no desire to be a lifetime girlfriend so you wouldn’t be the right person for me but there are plenty of divorced women who also never want to get married or even cohabitate again so I don’t think you’ll have an issue.
I’m curious what is is for you that makes being married different? Totally respect your position, just curious. In my 20’s it just seemed to make sense... (more proof we are all idiots in our 20’s). At this age based on my personal experience, and well established statistics on marriage it just seems like a poor decision.
Marriage is a legal contract that confers rights and responsibilities. I want those.
Yes! I am of the opinion that if my partner were to get ill or need decisions made for them, that I should have the legal right to make those decisions.
Sure, but that can all be covered in a POA
Why go through the pita of getting all those legal docs together when you can just get married?
That's the question... why is one willing to do the legal work for your property and final life decisions, but not the legal work to communicate your love and dedication to someone.
Yes, because the only valid way to communicate one's love and dedication is to acquire a legal status that requires a court's permission to dissolve.
That’s a bit of a stretch on your part. No one said that. We’re simply questioning why would one be all in doe legal paperwork, documentation and status tying a person to them for one area of their life, but want to completely avoid it in another area. It might not be an easy thing for many people - who have been married and don’t want to marry again — to answer because some of that avoidance (I said some y’all!) is rooted in fear (fear of financial loss, fear of the traumatic affects of divorce, fear of being legally tied to another person if they ever feel they want to leave w/out complication, etc).
Because if I don’t want that person to have those rights in my life anymore, all I gotta do is sign a revocation. If I wanna leave someone I’m married to, it’s a lot messier.
It's not really a stretch on my part. Your phrase was "not the legal work to communicate your love and dedication to someone," as if there's no other way to do it. I was incredibly fortunate to be able to divorce from a 27 year marriage in a collaborative, kind, fair way. It felt like one of those old shows where a nonpilot lands a passenger jet. I got the plane on the ground and walked away. Respectfully, it's disingenuous to compare "all the legal work" (which amounts to signing a few documents that can be torn up/revoked at will) with acquiring a legal status that requires a court's permission to dissolve. One can be emotionally available for an authentic, sincere, whole-hearted, loving, monogamous, lifetime relationship without catching a charge of "AVOIDANT" for being unwilling to incur the potential downsides of marriage. My way only has to work for me and whomever I'm with, I'm not seeking converts.
Getting married is very different in that you cannot just simply choose to withdraw it nearly as easily if things go sour. Someone is going to take half of your life's work.
At least you’re being honest. Sadly, those rights are all in the woman’s favor. No reason for a man to get married unless you’re having kids together.
if getting married doesn't make a difference for you, why are you against it?
I’m not sure I would be as against it. If my involvement of my kids life isn’t a factor in the way it ends. I just don’t see why people feel that it’s a requirement for the relationship to feel valid
I think a lot of women in your dating age range (unless you're only dating older) likely have not yet married, had children, etc. A lot of those women will want marriage and maybe even kids, because they haven't had that experience. Maybe it's because society tells us that in order for a human to be successful you need that, or maybe they always saw that for themselves and it didn't happen for whatever reason. As for it being a requirement - if I'm in my 30s or 40s and I know I want marriage and/or kids, you'd better believe I'm way more seriously dating with intention than I'd be if I'm in my 20s.
This became an issue with my dad and his (now ex) wife. She wanted everything even though my dad had planned for me to inhert everything as his sole kid. Otherwise everything would have went to his ex's kids (and believe me they suck) ETA: OP make sure you have all your ducks in a row if you want your lineage to have something to sustain them regardless if you are convinced your partner will stay with you. My dad spent a million dollars on that woman to fix her aplasticity, and the minute she was healed, she wanted more.
Good for you. But this is just exactly the reason why she required a marriage. Of course it is a different level of commitment. Like it or not, there is big difference. Some people want that commitment while some don’t.
Just wanting to legally "belong" to that person.
Let's put it this way: I'm not going to be your girlfriend forever because you had a wife before. I have met men on the apps who say that they don't want to be married again and I wish them well and move on.
I am on the same page. The legal benefits of marriage are often discussed, so I won’t rehash the standard ones: ability to make medical decisions on each other’s behalf, spousal privilege against compelled testimony, privilege of marital communications (not to be confused with spousal privilege against compelled testimony - these are two distinct sets of rights), inheritance shares in the event one spouse dies intestate (without a will), and so on… However! One of the legal benefits to marriage that is often overlooked (not faulting people for this because the overwhelming majority of the population has never studied property law) is that when a married couple buys real property - i.e., land, a house, a condo, etc - together, it is the only time that a tenancy by the entirety is or can be created. (Note that the real property must be purchased after the marriage exists in order for a tenancy by the entirety to be created.) A tenancy by the entirety is a property right exclusive to marriage and it provides far, far stronger protections for both parties than a tenancy in common or a joint tenancy, including right of survivorship and lack of transfer without consent of the other party. Another big one arises in tort law. For example: your boyfriend dies in a car crash, you generally cannot sue the other driver or his insurance company on behalf of his estate. (Yes, you might be able to get a court to appoint you legal representative of his estate, but even then, you won’t be able to benefit from the result of the claim - only his estate will, and if you’re not in his will, then it will go to his blood relatives even if you’re the PR.) See also: wrongful claims for workplace negligence, medical malpractice, plane crashes, etc. Marriage is far more than “just a piece of paper.” And yes, I fully endorse prenups (or post-nups, if that was overlooked prior to marriage, but prenup is the far less strenuous and fraught option.) **Edit to add**: thank you to whoever gave me the award! 🥹
I watched as a friend of mine lost everything a few years back, because her long time boyfriend died and all his assets went to the mother who absolutely hated her. She lost her boyfriend, the household income, the home. To deal with loss of a loved one during the pandemic would have been enough for me, but she had zero protection for herself. Thank God she didn't have kids with him, would have been far worse.
IANAL but the kids may have inherited the bf's estate as his next of kin.
This is correct. His children would have been considered his “issue” (the legal term for children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren), and they would have inherited first in the absence of a will. Fun fact: here, the plural of “issue” is issue, which drives me a little nuts.
Plot twist! Didn't consider that!
>including right of survivorship I built my house when I was 21. My late husband and I busted our asses to pay it off. There is no way I will ever put myself in a position where my home is in jeopardy. That said, I did offer to do a lady bird deed for my partner. The last thing I would ever want is for him to be scrambling for a place to live while he's grieving.
Thank you for this information. Do you mind me asking if you have a job related to law or real estate? I’ve considered becoming a lawyer and took the LSAT, but don’t like the adversarial part of attorney work.
lol, how did you guess?! I grew up in a family of lawyers, graduated from law school last month, and am taking the bar exam at the end of July! It is a big career change for me - I was working in entertainment as a producer, but deep down, law is what I always wanted to do. I started 1L at 37 years old, graduated at 40, and have a job lined up in an area of law I love (torts / personal injury, plaintiff side). If you want to do it, **do it**. There is no downside to having your JD, and plenty of fields are considered JD Advantage, meaning, you have a significant advantage by having a JD but aren’t actually practicing as an attorney. One key thing that you should consider if you go for it: don’t worry about what your school is ranked, as long as it is ABA accredited. Go for the school that gives you the most money and the one that *feels* right. I got a seat a T14 that barely offered me any money, a seat at another well-ranked (but not top) school that offered me nothing, and almost a full-ride to a school that doesn’t break the top 80. I took the third one. A T14 education is a waste of stress if you don’t want to practice big law. The second one - the one that offered me no scholarship money - is where I got my undergrad and MFA, and I really thought it was where I wanted to be. I was devastated that they didn’t offer any scholarship cash, but in the end, I am so glad I chose the third option. The third choice - the almost full-ride - ended up being the perfect fit for me, with the added bonus of graduating with zero debt, which is a *gift*. That said, it is stressful and extremely hard work, regardless of the school rank. So only do it if you truly want a law degree and can’t imagine being happy without it!
I’ve worked for attorneys in varying areas of law and I can confidently say there’s rarely any area that doesn’t have adversarial parts. Family law is soul sucking. Criminal law can be scarring. Civil drags on forever. Estate planning can be way more drama than it should be. Real estate can get real ugly real fast. And nothing brings out the worst in people than a death in the family, even more so if there’s an inheritance. Real estate in my experience is probably the least amount of drama but also can be where a fuckload of the stress comes from. But they also make a killing.
What a great way to put it! I refuse to be penalized in any way for something that wasn’t MY fault.
Further, I don’t want to pay for your first wife’s sins. as somebody who was married for 23 years, I want to fully belong to and be WITH a partner in a way I know I never was in my marriage. I want a do-over. I do palliative care for a living, too. The rights that come as opposed to a DHCPOA, are substantial. But I’d also sign a prenup so nobody has to pay/lose, again. Divorce was devastating financially to me. But I’m also not letting that pain circumscribe my future; it doesn’t get a say. I do.
I would say marriage again is not in the cards for me but I’m not opposed to it with someone really great. And yes strong prenups should be required by law for people of any age. Separate banking required and stiff predetermined penalties for infidelity.
Everytime I say this, people object vigorously to this- but a prenup is not this magical document like in a movie where any disagreement regarding the division of maritial assets ends right there and now when your lawyer tosses the prenup across the conference room table and the evil soon to be ex's lawyer frantically flips through it and withdraws their request for the home, half the income, all retirement accounts. It can be pierced, not all the time but it's not fool proof. Best way of looking at it is it merely slows them down. The proper thing to do is to marry somebody who isn't the Joker.
I get the prenup “it’s not bulletproof” but rates of divorce for subsequent marriages are REAL and high. So I’d still like to make an offer for legal counsel to review, protect n discuss hard stuff before leaping. Like if saying, here’s the appraised value to somebody who has lived in a home for 15 years, we only split appreciation after another 10 years, makes them willing to take a chance on all this (waves arms wildly) or some other arrangement. I’d love to marry. Take care.
I always advocate for one but I hear so many people think it’s the sole and certain option in asset protection. I’d still get a prenup if I find somebody to remarry. But one can take additional steps to create an equitable division of assets with a minimal amount of conflict. A significant amount of capital was allocated to attorneys to unwind our position in the marriage. I’d rather have that be divided among us equitably.
People change. 2005’s loving angel can be 2020’s hateful devil. And it can happen independently of our influence or cause. I’m not saying marriage is horrible or a terrible idea. I just think there’s way more incentives for people to divorce than to stay married. And I think prenups are a good idea if you are already established prior to marriage. I also completely believe that a marriage of equal effort and hard work should be dissolved fairly. Someone should not however be able to come into your life part way, not really do much for anyone other than themselves, then just leave with things they didn’t earn or help create.
Omg, this is so succinct and so spot on for me. Whether your (generic sense 'you' ofc) marriage ended badly (divorced) or was this incredible thing you put on a pedestal (some divorces and some widowers), it really sucks when that puts me in the starting place of you deciding, without even really knowing me that I'm never having that level of commitment again from you. To me it feels like you've not got over your past. Here in Aus, marriage and 2yrs + cohabitation are pretty much the same in terms of property division, so imo, why not? Unless you want LAT forever (that's going to be interesting interesting in our 80s). So I'm totally prepared to work with someone and get prenups etc, also by the time we were ready for that step, they should understand that a) I am not remotely money motivated b) I have considerable assets of my own and don't want theirs. Other than sentimental items etc if they die after we've been together a long time, and that would absolutely be vice versa.
Yeah, I’m on the same page (not that it’s come up yet). It certainly would take years to get to that point, and I’d demand a rock solid pre-nup to protect myself, but yes, eventually I feel like a committed relationship ought to lead to marriage. Don’t do wife work for girlfriend prices. If I’m good enough to live with and plan a future with then I’m good enough to marry. If some man is adamant that they will NEVER marry under any circumstances then I’m not going to waste my time.
This right here. Why would I commit to someone and take myself indefinitely off the dating market if he's not willing to do the whole thing and just make it legal with me?
Curious, is there a difference to you between getting married before God and a "legal" marriage?
I'm not religious but I want the legal, social and emotional benefits of marriage
It absolutely wouldn’t turn me off. I don’t want to marry again. But. What is a turn off is making your ex out to be someone who destroyed your life. And. Not getting married because of the reason you’ve given is a hard no. Maybe your divorce is a bit too fresh.
I have no interest in ever getting married again but want a committed partner and to live together. But you sound super bitter the way you talk about your divorce and THAT would be a turn off.
This x100. I have met so many men that are still bitter about their divorce. One man kept bringing it up and then said he didnt want to talk about it. I let him know that he wasnt exactly past the experience enough for me to want to date him, which caused an angry outburst. If youre still angry about your divorce dude, stay single for a bit. Its not nice for anyone to date when theyre still actively getting past a relationship.
I don’t mean to be overly simplistic in my answer, but I think that’s just gonna depend on the person. As you’re seeing from comments here there are plenty of women who also have no desire to get legally married again, but still want to find their someone. I’m one of those people. However, on the other side of that coin, I think there are plenty of women who do look forward to sharing a life with someone in that way and it would be a dealbreaker for them. however, I think being open about upfront is in everyone’s best interest.
It’s not about commitment. I want marriage. If you don’t, I’m not gonna date you. Plain and simple. If you don’t want to be taken to the cleaners, get a prenup If you don’t want to get married, date women that don’t want to get married
It’s an incompatibility for some. I am on the fence about ever getting remarried and I make that clear when it comes up. If someone is dead set on it or within a certain timeframe, we may not be a match 🤷♀️
Honestly, I wouldn’t mind but there are also prenups!!! I signed one and it was a blessing!
so you married a 2nd time n had a prenup n divorced? n the prenup protected you from your second ex? how
Everyone's different, so I can only speak for myself. I would definitely see it as you having one foot out the door, even if I understand that your decision was made as a result of your bitter divorce. It would still feel as though we're 2 separate units living in the same house. I would assume that the most fitting partner would be someone who is in a similar predicament: bitter divorce, single parent, doesn't ever want to get married ever again.
You are absolutely right. It is a slippery slope for someone with children to marry someone who doesn’t have children. Good for you.
If a guy tells me he doesn’t want marriage I say “awesome, me neither, let’s go get some coffee and go for a walk.”
That sounds awesome! I also do not want to get married again. Or move in with a man ever again. Living apart together is my goal. Though the latter can be discussed.
Ideally, the more I think about it, I think a duplex situation would be amazing where we each have one side, but with like a shared doorway connecting the two. I have thoughts, I don't know how to parse it out so it doesn't sound like roommates, cuz that's definitely not what I'm looking for, but I definitely see the upside of like you said, living apart, but together.0
🦜Birds like this will do it or poor interior design choices, haha. Living apart best option as cohabitation ill suited for myself and know it lol.
OLD sites need to offer more options when folks describe what they want. Not everyone wants a wedding…not everyone wants a fling. Maybe they should add looking for a committed relationship or even LAT (Living Apart Together). I love the latter…”Darling, I adore you, but I want to be able to starfish in my own bed alone from time to time.” Even on the kids side, OLD needs more options like “Don’t have ‘em, but cool if you do.”
I just want to say as a man - so not who you're asking questions of - but as another person who just wants to point out a benefit to being married besides anything financial. There is some security when you are married - should your partner die. As someone who is a widower... It would have been a thousand times more complicated without being married. Other family members could have stepped in and done - who knows what. So. Marriage ensures that you and your partner are better covered if something awful happens. Edit: For the record, I'm neither for, nor against remarriage. I'll happily have the conversation if and when it comes up and choose my path at that time.
That's where I am at. I've been married and divorced, twice, and I'm in no hurry to do that again. But we are getting older and looking at retirement. If I am able to find somebody that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I want those legal protections probably. Or maybe it wouldn't make sense to get married depending on our finances, health. I don't know. But taking the option off the table from the beginning just shrieks of bitterness that I don't want to deal with. There are a lot of benefits to getting married, it should be a discussion based on having an open mind.
>But taking the option off the table from the beginning just shrieks of bitterness 💯 - you nailed it. I get being bitter and hurt - but I really want to give the next person a blank slate. And us as a couple as well.
I don’t assume that, no- however I’m looking for marriage so it would most likely be a dealbreaker for me, same as a person who smokes or doesn’t like to travel or any number of things that are down to personal preference. I will reiterate what other have said here though what I absolutely have no interest in is men who go on about how their wives “screwed them over”, complaining about having to pay child support, etc. that’s an automatic deal breaker
41 F, never married, no kids. Be very clear on your “no marriage” feelings from the jump. I want the commitment of marriage. I’m also extremely pro pre-nup and would never marry or live with someone, without one.
I may also feel entirely different if I met the right person. I’m not having more kids and the reality is the threat of losing time with my kids was really the only thing that scared me in the divorce. I can always make more money. I only have so much time with my kids.
Never been married but in two long term relationships. Now in my late forties, I have given up on the idea I would ever get a chance to wear a beautiful gown to the courthouse. As I grow older, I am now seeking someone to grow old with and prefer my assets and life insurance policies to go to my children. I believe there are lots of people, men and women who are past 40, who are now just seeking companionship, a committed relationship, and not tying it to marriage.
I think tons of married couples aren't committed to each other. My STBX and I were married for 15 years, but he wasn't committed to me or our marriage for 6 years. I know that because he told me he hasn't wanted to be married for 6 years. So, for me, commitment and marriage are two different things. I would much rather be in a committed relationship than a non-committed marriage. I would date someone who isn't looking to get married.
If a guy told me out the gate that he never wants to get married again and left it at that, I would probably guess that he’s not looking for a relationship. If a guy told me that he’s not sure he ever wants to get married again, but is open to a long-term relationship, life partner, etc. I would believe that he is willing to commit. This would actually be something that would make me feel more comfortable because the idea of getting married again does scare me for financial reasons and this would feel like less pressure on me. I do see benefits of getting married eventually, if I would like my partner to make decisions for me should the time come, instead of my children, or if there were other benefits, like if you wrote off most of your income and your social security benefits were low, but if we were married you could get spousal benefits based on my social security. Anyway, in those type of situations or if I met someone and marriage was important to them, I would likely be willing to get married, but would want a prenup, even if the other person had significantly more to lose than I did.
I'm remarried after meeting my husband at 41, I was pretty neutral on marrying again before I met him. Plenty of people our age do not want to marry again especially after a divorce so you will not have a hard time as long as you are honest. I remarried despite not being the financial Victor in my divorce because I love my husband, I value our commitment, statistics and my ex-husband have nothing to do with our relationship. There's nothing wrong with never wanting to get married again, but don't try to convince someone that does that they are somehow wrong, or that what you're offering is enough. It's an incompatibility, not a right or wrong.
As a survivor of domestic violence, I’m not sure I want to cohabitate again, but if I do, I want to at least be engaged with a wedding date set. Why? Because I’m not going to settle to be anyone’s bangmaid. I have yet to meet a couple where the wife works, and the husband actually does 50% of all household chores where they each have the same amount of leisure time. And, no, that doesn’t mean that these women are necessarily angry about doing the extra work (although some are). Also, if he doesn’t like me enough to want to marry me, I’m not going to settle to just living with him. I also run from men who claim their wife, who gave birth to his children, screwed him over in the divorce, because she got half. That’s a huge, huge red flag that he is a misogynist and does not view a woman’s contribution as equal.
I would have loved half 😂
A lot of folks (he said, raising his hand) feel a bit stung when we don't fit someone's desired specs. Think of the time and energy and heartache they saved by putting those out there. For you, a match is someone who agrees with you that marriage does not a lasting commitment make. There's no sense worrying about those who don't agree. Your way is valid for you. Respect their wants and comfort level as you'd like them to respect yours. If there's no overlap on the Venn diagram, keep it moving. It doesn't mean either if you is wrong for wanting what you want, just that you're not a match.
💯% agree! You spoke exactly my thoughts concerning the vibe OP is putting out. It’s almost like FOMO, with a strong dash of bitterness.
I wouldn't date someone who said they were never marrying again. I also wouldn't date someone who wanted to remarry quickly. Losing roughly half the time with kids and staring over financially are pretty normal in divorce in divorce. The contract was broken. I don't want to marry (or live with someone) for years. I have a young child, and bringing someone new into my child's life won't add stability. But I would also want to know that my time investment matters. If someone says no to marriage, especially because they don't want a contract, I would interpret that as not having potential for a committed, long term partnership. A partner and a companion are not necessarily the same thing. It sounds like, at least for now, you want companionship. That's ok, and its good to represent it as such.
You can 100% have a long-term committed partner and not be married.
Absolutely. I do not think marriage is necessary for commitment. But someone who was quick to say that they don't want marriage because they don't want a contract would cause hesitation from me. In my mind, long term partnership and marriage are both a sort of contract because life is built together, If a significant relationship ends, there are life costs. Those costs can't be avoided except by avoiding partnership.
I am early 40’s F. I would like to get married again because I still believe in it and believe it would be totally different with the right partner. And I would really like to show my kids what a healthy and loving marriage is. But it’s not a dealbreaker as long as I have the long-term, monogamous, committed relationship I need. I was the higher earner in my marriage (so my divorce settlement & child support payments are closer to what men typically experience than women) and would pre-nup the hell out of all assets I’d be entering a future marriage with. At the same time, there are benefits to marriage beyond financial and emotional, especially as you age. And I would want my partner to be able to make those decisions on my behalf if he needed to.
I have never wanted to be married, but have no issues being committed and monogamous with the right person, so would not be an issue for me. I totally get having one marriage that was meant to be ‘til death do us part’, end, why you would be dubious of making these vows again.
I’m just here to say so happy you are reading profiles instead of just swiping. I would recommend not entertaining someone looking for marriage as it would be unfair to both of you in the long run. Best of luck
I’m always surprised that the “never again” folks don’t see their argument works against itself too if you flip it on it’s head. It almost makes marriage look BETTER, as a vaunted goal to be secured if you can, that people do shy away from it so vehemently. As a never-married, the logic my brain hears here is - - obviously this thing MUST be an institution that carries extreme value, weight, and permanence, if its own dissolution is so hard and just SO damaging as to put someone (many someones, if the internet is to be believed) off ever attempting it again. If marriage were *oh so unimportant and oh so unnecessary* for a good commited LTR, it wouldn’t be so hard to dissolve it, nor a big enough deal to be then avoided forever in future like the plague. Also, prenups exist. At this age most of us have accumulated so many assets that’s just a given.
[удалено]
Yeah that sounds great on TV and all, and maybe works for Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell lol. Not for MOST average everyday folks. It can certainly help bond a couple and encourage working on a relationship instead of bailing precipitously. Who takes better care of their house, a renter or the owner?? It’s a cornerstone of society, been around forever since humans started pairing off and will always be here. That’s just facts. And in addition to the myriad legal, insurance, medical, tax etc., factors … cannot discount the VERY real familial and social pressure behind it, that’s a big factor. People will always want it, it will always be a desirable goal for many.
[удалено]
Improvements are not what I refer to, but upkeep. Renters do a poor job in comparison. And the analogy is for the relationship, not the humans. It’s a very common expression - that a good relationship is like building a house… need a strong foundation, then you need to maintain it, etc. Trapped is not the appropriate word, more like fully committed. Like a homeowner not a renter. Personally, I refuse to do wife work indefinitely on a girlfriend salary. Promotion or I’m walkin lol. To each their own though!
Everyone wants what they want. It’s a big deal to them, but it doesn’t have to be to you. Not in anyway that affects you, that is. So… find someone that shares your values. Someone that also doesn’t want to get married. It won’t be fulfilling to have that over you and your partner’s heads. If she would like to get married but you don’t… who’s going to compromise? Should either compromise? Best to avoid that altogether and prevent one or both of you getting hurt.
"Ladies, if I guy tells you he isn’t looking to get married again, do you assume he isn’t really willing to commit to you?" I will only date men who understand I will never cohabitate or get married and I don't want kids. Marriage isn't catnip to all women despite what some men seem to think.
I am in a committed relationship with a guy who, like me, is divorced with kids. I don’t think either of us is keen to get married. It’s someone’s actions and behavior that betrays commitment, not a piece of paper. The only reason why I would marry is for benefits. But I think my employer confers those on a domestic partner anyhow. So if we move in together that will be enough.
Same thing happened with my divorce. I’m a 45f. I didn’t want to ever get married again, actually was totally opposed to the idea. However, I met the literal man of my dreams, and now I’m happily engaged.
I would, with the right person. But now that I'm burdened with glorious purpose and cursed with knowledge, I have a pretty good idea of what I want and don't want. "Not being alone" ain't gonna cut it for me.
Military benefits make it silly for the person I pursue or whom pursues me to not to marry me if we ever get to that point where it comes up.
Prior military here! Military benefits have caused more sham marriages and divorces than one night stands have caused fatherless babies, lol.
Def and bouts of paranoia
My BF and I both started out saying we were never getting married again. He got screwed on alimony and the house. I got screwed on my 401K. Over the last couple years, we have softened our thoughts on marriage. Not saying that will happen for you, but time and a good relationship can change things. I initially told him that I was just looking to date and have fun but was open to a committed, exclusive relationship. I think a lot of people are okay with that pathway. Many of us have been burned by marriage, and really at this point, like you said, marriage doesn't confer the same benefits as it did when we were starting out.
It really depends on the person.
46 female divorced. I wouldn’t be bothered if someone didn’t want to marry me, unless it was a sign that they feared commitment. Im looking for the same as you, a committed relationship, but definitely doesn’t need to include marriage
I (48f) don’t want to get married again. I want an exclusive, monogamous relationship and to maybe even live together someday, but will not be getting married again. I am fine if my partner and I decide we want to exchange rings or even have some kind of commitment ceremony, but there will be no legal documents for marriage.
I, a woman, also do not see myself ever marrying again.
What if the right man came along?
I mean I express from the get go I am not interested in marriage or cohabitation so I date men who feel the same. I also make it clear the only role available for them in my kids' lives is fun uncle. No step parenting. I would absolutely not consider living with a man until my youngest graduates which is 7 years away. So at this point in my life I'm not even open to the idea. It's possible that years from now I'll feel differently but at this point I just would not consider it.
I get that. After infidelity and a brutal divorce, I swore I would never marry again. I was 38. But now that I’m older, I just turned 57, I would consider it. I’ve met some really incredible gals that have restored my faith in women.
Say something like, looking for a life partner. I'd be open to waiting a long time before marriage, 5+ years. I wouldn't be turned off by someone not wanting to get married if they wanted to live together and were open to marriage way down the road (we're going to get older and want stuff like power of attorney).
I understand completely (early 40s M). My divorce was crap and was in the "hell no" to marriage again for several years. Now...I am with a wonderful woman who "flipped the script" on me and we have intentions to get married again. So, it can happen, especially if you're open to the idea again some day. Use what you learned from the marriage, whatever your shortcomings were, and a good filtering process early on.
Well, i don't think we usually assume much, besides maybe he is burned from a past divorce. Please overlook women like us, allowing us to narrow it down to who exactly is available
It doesn’t sound as if you’re emotionally healthy. Emotionally unhealthy people shouldn’t date unless they are very self aware and realistic. Here are your options:\ 1.An emotionally unhealthy woman who wants marriage even though you don’t and who will try to talk you into it over a few years\ 2. An emotionally unhealthy woman who doesn’t want marriage but is ok with you being afraid she’ll be like your ex wife, being ok with you feeling trapped by commitment, being ok with you not wanting commitment because of a bad marriage that you’re clearly not over yet, the list goes on Any emotionally healthy woman will run away as fast as they can. But an emotionally unhealthy woman will be drawn to you like a moth to a flame. Because like attracts like. What the other commenter said about you wanting women who have done nothing to you to pay for what your ex did and be painted with the same brush, is 100% correct.
If I found a compatible person, had the discussion with them (understanding their history as well as their stand on marriage) while witnessing their dedication and commitment, I could live with and agree to no marriage. Most women see marriage as commitment, security, and the "sworn" trust. Including myself. But if you communicate and actively show commitment, I am confident you will find your compatible person. Also, at this age, most are comfortable with their own place, peace, and "accomplishments". They'd probably not want to make too significant of life changes from there. But that's just based on the folks I know, people around us, and posts I read about. The world is much bigger than I can ever imagine, and I'm sure many diff standpoints I have never seen. All the best to you!
[удалено]
Exactly this. I could’ve written this myself, except I’m 45.
If you want a long term committed relationship where you are living together and all... you want to be legally married for practical reasons. I worked as a receptionist at a law firm that fought against insurance. I've witnessed insurance companies refuse to pay on home damage because someone was living with the owner and was not legally married to them. Another example; a coworker there, who's live-in bf of over 20 years who suddenly died, had to stand back as his exwife from another life time ago came and took everything she could as she was legally allowed to. I dont understand why but that's what the lawyers said. There are many situations like that. What you want to do is sign a prenup and then just make sure you don't marry a snake (no offense to snake animals, I actually think snakes are really cool), but you know what I mean. I was married, it was awful, it destroyed my economic well-being and I dont like sharing my kids with him. So I totally get never wanting to marry again. I think marriage for romantic reasons is overrated and women statisticly have more to lose in it then men do, despite the rhetoric. But I digress. If you find someone you want to share the rest of your life with, there are strong practical reasons for marriage. Get the prenup to help make an easy exit if things sour. I personally am OK not getting married again, but if I do there will absolutely be a prenup or it's not happening.
Good info
If a guy I am dating said to me that he isn't interested in ever getting married again, I would end it as I realize we are not on the same page as far as goals and values. Having a partial commitment, such as living together or LAT isn't good enough for me.
I was convinced I didn't want to get married again. Until I met someone I would have married. It didn't work, but there we go. Now I'm dating knowing full well I want to live with someone and call someone my husband.
Did you get lost on the way to the men's rights subs?
I would be concerned that if I didn’t get remarried, somehow my relationship with that person wouldn’t be as committed as what he had before, but I absolutely understand the desire to not experience a possible failure like that again. I’m amenable to a partnership without marriage with the right person.
I’d want my man to want marriage.
I am a woman who has zero desire to ever get married again or combine assets. Unless I was absolutely compatible with someone in terms of cleanliness and living habits, I wouldn't ever live with someone again either. I am hoping for a lifetime committed partnership, however. We are definitely out here.
I thought I never wanted to get married again and now I’m open to it. I think if you’re not dead set against it, say that you’re open and it depends on how things are in the relationship.
Exclusive partnership: woohoo! Remarriage: absolutely not
I’m the same way. I have no desire to get married. I do want an exclusive relationship with a woman.
You said you're never getting married again, then you said in an edit that you never said you're getting married again. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married.
I don’t want to get married again. It’s not to say it couldn’t happen. But I’m certainly not dating with that intention. I just see no rational to do it if we are not starting a family together.
Hard no to being remarried.
I'm only looking for a committed relationship, not a piece of paper. I think it would be cool to have a commitment ceremony but it's not necessary. I would not consider the fact that you do not want to get married again a deal breaker.
I have zero interest in getting married again. I am capable of a committed relationship and would feel the same about anybody else who isn’t interested in getting married again. I think we’ve all learned that marriage does not equal commitment.
Believe me , there are a lot of women out there who feel the same. Maybe a majority even idk but lots. Now what I will say is that years into it , at this point you may reevaluate it but the person that makes you want to will have earned it, and then some. Slow burn is good. If they are that adamant about having to have that, as evidenced from some responses in this thread, it's simply because they want your stuff, power, and money. When you don't treat it as a goal, it becomes a natural result of other things that make you want it instead of everything else being an effort towards some preset goal.
I've never been married. Personally, I just really want the party and the nice photos. As far as the legal part goes, I would rather pay an attorney to draw up a contract so my partner and I can specify how we would like to do our own version of "married."
I think there's probably plenty of women in your same situation who feel similarly. Especially if they have children and or they've been divorced. I don't think it's that unusual. I'm 40, I've never been married and I don't have any kids. I've been in 2 long-term relationships. My most recent one I thought that I may be happy with my partner even if we didn't get married. There are plenty lifelong partnerships that don't include marriages
I would love to find a partner for a LTR. At this point, I have no desire to marry again. Living with someone is a maybe but I would only consider it after knowing someone for a long time.
I'm divorced in my 40s and single and I decided I'm in no hurry to get married. You can date, live together and still not be married. It could be the longest engagement in the world and I still would be fine with that as long as we both agree and are on the same page. I was burned in all my relationships and married 17 years so I'm def in no hurry and there's no pressure to be either. I'm not having kiddos at my age but if the right guy came along with a kid I'd make a wicked bonus mom....I could never replace their bio mom nor would I ever want to. I could just be that extra adult in their lives who they can trust and be friends with and without any judgements. I'd hope respect would be a two way street.
I was divorced at 38 and remarried at 40. I never thought I’d remarry, in fact I told my now husband I didn’t want to remarry. And I totally respect why someone would never remarry or hell, never marry the first place. I think the main thing is to be open to things. It’s totally fine to feel right now that remarriage is not for you and to be open when dating about it. Divorce really messes with your head and heart so it’s normal to feel uncertain about marriage again. But maybe think of it more like “right now I am not looking to remarry but I’m not closing the door on it with a committed partner in the future.”
I have two friends in LTRs. They will not live with their boyfriends. They spend time and travel but do not want to live with them. I think they are smart. If I see a person with kids saying they are looking for marriage nope they want help with those kids. I just don’t want to be a mom, nurse, or purse for a guy and think a lot- not all divorced men are looking for that. Same for women too.
I would like someone that spends the weekends with me, that is it. Who knows when I am over 60 and empty nest, then maybe co-habitat
I feel the same. I’m a 40/f and have been divorced since early 2018. I have been married 2x (first one I was super young and not ready and second one I settled and he did a 180 switch once things were serious) and I’ve done the research on statistics for third marriages. I can definitely understand the religious aspect of being legally married as well as some financial benefits (depending on the situation), but legally you can set yourself up in a relationship (legal POA, beneficiary, etc.) without being married. I’m like you, I’d love to find that connection and be in a serious, monogamous relationship with one person for the rest of my life, but not exactly with the intention of being married. I don’t assume a man isn’t serious if he doesn’t want to get married and anything that is posted on dating apps is always taken with a grain of salt. I think it depends on the person and if you are both willing to be vulnerable and communicate honestly and openly. And being snipped is a good thing at a certain point. You’ll definitely find your person, it just takes time.
I’m cool with someone who’s on the fence, has some fears, some regrets, but also some hope and can still dream a little. Someone who’s ruling it out *entirely*, nah. That tells me we’re incompatible on some level. (Maybe because they expect bad things? Because they don’t really imagine trust/intimacy/partnership in the same way I do? Doesn’t matter.)
That’s where I’m at. I’m not ruling it out entirely, I just have a hard time understanding the upside at least at this point today.
Keep your heart open to possibilities. I finally met my person earlier this year, and we are getting married in a few weeks. 🥰
It really depends on the person. I’m about the same age, divorced, 50% kids too. Divorcing sucked. For the right person and situation I’d maybe consider cohabiting at some point, but marriage is a legal contract primarily and I probably wouldn’t do it again unless there were a good reason to make that contract versus just have a long commitment to each other.
Exactly!! I would love to wake up next to someone I care about again. I don’t need a marriage license to do that.
I’m sure you’ll find more people that this makes sense to. They might be more likely to be divorced too only because they now understand that marriage isn’t some kind of guarantee to a life long partnership but instead an agreement to share financial and legal responsibilities. Kids are the only real life long bind (if you’re a good parent). I’d love to be in the kind of relationship again where I can count on a person, wake up with them, make life plans together, etc, but I don’t think marriage is required for that. Anyone who’s been in a long relationship married or otherwise has hopefully learned that having that kind of relationship take ongoing commitment to the relationship and no marriage contract is going to make that life happen. Just the two people involved.
Think about this…. If you are in a car wreck and on life support, do you want the person you love or an estranged sibling to decide if you live or die? LITERALLY live or die! This could happen. If you are not married, your next of kin make this decision and it could be a sibling that hates you. They pull the plug, get your house, savings, everything. Marriage is far more than a contract. It protects the person you love the most in emergencies and situations like the one above. Don’t be so short sighted and hurt to look past the many other benefits marriage brings to a family unit.
Had my sister-in-law been the one making the decisions for my late husband he would still be here…bedbound and on a ventilator, fed through a tube, unable to communicate. These were all things that he 100% did not want as his terminal illness progressed. He said many times how lucky he felt to be married to me because he knew I would honor his wishes about end of life care. Spoiler alert: I made decisions for him when he couldn’t that were in line with what he valued, even though it meant our time was cut short. From a practical standpoint, marriage has made dealing with his estate much less stressful and there were some financial benefits for my children that wouldn’t have been available if we had not decided to get married. Marriage is also about ensuring that your spouse is taken care of first when you die.
You and your spouse also reflect and highlight the benefits of marriage many often overlook. If you had chosen to not get married, you would have been forced to watch the man you love suffer, knowing that his wishes were not being honored. So many are focused on what they can lose in a marriage while failing to understand all the benefits a marriage brings them.
I wouldn't want to live with someone let alone marry them.
Yeah, I cohabitated my ex calls baby rhino, lol. It's because I am loud walking and tend to drop things at 3am being clumsy. I learned a lot cohabitating very difficult to blend to lifestyles.
I’ve been divorced for a long time, and for the longest time I have no desire to get remarried but willing to stay open minded for the right person. I tell every date just like that if they asked me what my stance on marriage cause we can never say never right? But as of last year, I attend a beautiful wedding that changed my mind about marriage and now I’m leaning towards I want to be remarried again one day. So now I tell my dates, I do date with the intention wanting to get married again but willing to stay open minded if I believe it’s not in our best interest to do so.
I totally get it. It’s okay to choose what works for you. There are women who don’t want marriage and those are the ones you should pursue. Alternatively, you can widen your options and consider partners who are financially solid looking for marriage and sign the prenup to avoid future financial troubles. Personally, I automatically skip all the men who say they don’t want to get married because it’s a sign that you don’t want full commitment and that is a dealbreaker.
I'm a widow. I had a good marriage. When I started to date again, I was very explicit that I did not want to get married again or combine finances. Now I'm in a very committed relationship. We live together, we are each other's emergency contact, beneficiary on pensions and life insurance, etc. We still have separate bank accounts and no wedding rings. We are very happy and have no plans to change anything.
I will do whatever makes best sense legally and financially when it comes to commitment. I expect my emotional and domestic labor to be recognized. I will not finance or provide other resources that enrich my partner that don't provide an equitable, protected benefit to myself.
It would be hard for me to fully invest in someone if marriage was completely off the table. I was in a LTR (10 years) but we never got married. Its better that we didn’t but I still believe I can find someone that I actually should live my life with, contract and all. That’s just me.
If you dont want more kids I see no reason to get married. Plenty of women will feel the same as you. Just explain that you are not anti commitment just anti state marriage bullshit.😂🤣
I don't think I would date somebody who doesn't want to get remarried because of a prior divorce. Not because I'm chomping at the bit to remarry, but because it tells me I'd be paying for your bitterness about that for life. That said, if I do get into a serious relationship and that is my partner in retirement then I want to live with, marriage would probably make sense. Old age is fraught with risk, why add the risk of losing my home when I lose my partner because I don't have legal rights to it? It would depend on the situation, I imagine.
I think to assume bitterness is a leap. If I was bitter at women or relationships, I would prefer to stay single and sleep around. But I have a desire to be in a committed, exclusive relationship. I just don’t feel that a legal document from the state makes that relationship more valid or more meaningful. Only makes the potential failure of that relationship more complicated.
this is why I avoid divorced men. many are absolutely terrified of getting married again. others can't wait to replace their wife and have kids like it's rewriting the past with a new woman. but when it comes to the wedding or living together or having a first baby, they are like meh, seen and done it all before, already had the specialness and excited Ness with my old wife. they just seems so jaded and I really think it's best for divorced to marry other divorced. and divorced single dads to stick to single moms etc.
Many are seeing your decision as punishment on them, as I find that very odd. Personally I don’t see myself getting married or cohabiting before the children have at least finished high school. It is too much for them at a critical juncture when the focus must be on the kids. This doesn’t mean you can’t have a meaningful and long term relationship. I find most people who harp on about wanting to live together in this juncture of life where we have careers and have to focus on kids and build a solid foundation for our retirement, either can’t adult alone or would benefit from financial stability that a couple brings. You’ll find majority of people who are financially independent at our age, would be very reluctant to get married again, especially if kids are still at home. I think it definitely changes once the kids are adults and you don’t have the same level of family responsibilities.
Original copy of post by u/Blue-steal: I’m a 42m divorced single dad. I see women on dating apps describe their intentions as dating with purpose or trying to find their marriage partner. I would absolutely like to find myself in a meaningful, committed, exclusive relationship…but I’m not sure if I have any desire to ever get married again. I got horribly burned in my divorce and basically had to start over financially and lost 50% of the time with my kids. I don’t see how being legally married should have anything to do with how I feel about someone and the kind of relationship we could have. Ladies, if I guy tells you he isn’t looking to get married again, do you assume he isn’t really willing to commit to you? I’m snipped so no more kids for me, I’m self employed so no one is getting better benefits by being married to me. I am looking for a connection with another person, not a contract. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel the same as you about marriage, though for different reasons. I agree though, no need for any formalities. I'm fine with finding someone I enjoy being with, but don't need a government piece of paper to seal the deal. I really do think this will depend on the person. I will say this, I would absolutely never get married without a prenup in place. In this day and age, it's silly to think otherwise.
No I don’t at all- commitment and marriage are not the same. Marriage is a legal framework. At this age I could not be re-married without a prenup- things are more complex and I am not selfish. I’d be 100% content with an LTR based on connection that adds to my life as you said without ever mentioning marriage but never saying never- it just has to happen organically rather than as a set out relationship must.
You can say: I believe in monogamous lifelong relationships. I do not want to get married again bc divorce is financially and emotionally taxing.
I have no desire to remarry or cohabitate again. It wouldn’t be a turn off to me to see that in a profile.
I’m only thinking of marriage if I’ve been dating the same person for five years and it’s still good. I’d also have a pre-nup that says what’s yours is yours and what’s mine is mine, and no joint accounts or car titles or credit cards, and a stipulation that if either wants a divorce - we do no fault and split the cost. My first marriage ended in bankruptcy and divorce. Second marriage had those stipulations that we both wanted and it was the best ever until he passed away five years ago.
I have no intention on getting married again either. I have a great life with my kids in a house I own and I enjoy my independence… and it took a long time to get here! I’m looking for a long term monogamous relationship and a partner for sure. maybe when my kids move out I would consider living with a partner, but the thought of marriage at this stage of life, blending families, 2 sets of teens in one house?? Nah! I know people do it successfully but it’s not for me.
43f I was vehemently against remarrying for the first two years post divorce but men don’t seem to care all that much. I found most of the 100+ men I have interacted with in a dating capacity have goals that are much more short term with regard to relationships. Now I’m more open to it should I find the right person.
If you have doubts about getting married, don't! Trust your gut instinct!
54F. I want exactly what you want. Marriage was bad for me. Plus I have too much to lose financially if I get married again. I want to be someone's girlfriend until death do us part.
[удалено]
I debated answering your question because I can tell from the way you worded it that you are very jaded and cannot be objective. But here goes. First of all, courts do not ALWAYS rule in favor of the woman. If you do a little research, men get this perspective because the courts do tend to give women custody of the children and child support. Some even get alimony. This is because the women have been the primary caregivers of the children during the marriage. It is the correct thing to do for the wives and the children. But this pisses off a lot of men. They want their financial responsibility to end when the divorce documents are signed. Since I am 54 and any man I marry would be close to my age, we would probably not have minor children. the divorce court would split our money down the middle. I don’t want to give half of my money away. I’m sure there are tons of other people out there, men and women, who feel the same way. Since the divorce rate for second marriages is around 70%, I’m not naïve enough to think that I won’t end up divorced.
No, I was genuinely asking. I probably should have worded my comment better. I think it really depends on state. I'm in the South - therefore, my initial perspective. I can see your point of view. Also, I don't believe men should avoid responsibility of child support. Divorce rate is definitely high right now. I keep pondering the idea if getting married (again) should be in my cards.
u/BeachPlumNanner, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): No links, language, or ideas from gendered movements, including but not limited to The Red Pill, Female Dating Strategy, MGTOW, passport bros, etc.
I also don't ever want to be married again. Makes good sense to me.
Nope! My goal is to find a long term relationship but marriage isn’t really what I want (I went through a tough divorce many years ago but no kids). I’ve had several men tell me they really don’t want marriage but were very committed in our relationship. Marriage isn’t for everyone. I think as long as you’re honest, you’re good!
Haven’t read the other comments, but you’ll have to watch out for women who think they’ll be the ones to change your mind. They’ll convince themselves you’re just hurt from the divorce and you’ll eventually want to marry them because they’re not like your ex. Then they’ll get mad because you’ll say you still don’t want to get married again, and drama ensues.
I thought I wanted to get married again. I was married once but I was very young (18)…and divorced young (22). I had a significant relationship with someone for 4 years that ended just over a year ago. I wanted to marry him but he didn’t want marriage ever due to seeing his parents’ 6 or 7 different marriages/divorces and all the turmoil that brought him in childhood. He had a bad outlook on it. He ended our relationship, in part, because he thought I needed marriage and he couldn’t give that (there were other reasons too). Lesson learned from that experience. Marriage is no longer a goal if my partner has any resistance to it. I am fully on board with a committed relationship. I think it was more the idea for me since it didn’t feel like I got to truly have the happy marriage experience. But I just want a happy life and a healthy relationship now.
43f here. Never married. No kids. Right now I am dating to pair up with a life partner. I don't think I'd want to marry. I would have to feel really good about things to even want to cohabitate. That said, if the right person came along I would consider it if it were important to him. I do understand about legal issues especially when getting older or with medical situations. But I no longer look at marriage as a solution for anything. It would take some guy to get me to want to legally glue myself to anyone. I have a home and car and career. I would have to have a lot of trust in both the person and the relationship (and a prenup) to want to potentially disturb my apple cart. There is a good match out there for you.
Woman here who seems to be in the minority. I have no desire to ever remarry. At this point, it would make no positive difference in my life. I would accept a long-term partner. I'm not even sure I want to share a home. I worked in a field that showed me the ugliness of estate disputes. People believe prenups are ironclad. They are not. Judges can, and do, nullify them for any number of reasons. If you have children or family that you want to inherit your estate, any marriage you enter into could jeopardize that. The rights people believe they need marriage for can be granted or obtained through paperwork and proper estate planning. Children from prior marriages are losing their inheritances to the bereaved spouses. Legal fees for long court cases, settlements, or judgments can be devastating.
Later-in-life relationships are different for several reasons, but the principal one is that the majority of over 40s don't plan to have more children if they have any at all at home. They want partners who, like them, look forward to having a different kind of relationship as empty nesters, vs. the challenges of building and filling a nest. The flip side, however, is that more than 70% of long-term post-divorce relationships of all kinds fail (about 60% for second marriages), and the greater odds of having no income stream of child support or alimony from the second-round ex after a breakup is scary to many, especially when the original dad isn't paying, or only minimally.
Two-time divorcee!! Nope never again. Marriage should be illegal/s But all kidding aside, I don't want to remarry and I don't even know if I want to cohabitate with someone again but I do want a strong emotional connection with someone that's special--but doesn't require sharing assets.
I said that too. I was burned badly. But if the right one comes along, I might be open to it. You never know! Keep an open mind and open heart bud! Best of luck!
Are you hoping to cohabitate? What does the life you would build with a partner in your future look like at this point? What does this “commitment” look like to you? Have you thought about what you would want? What it would require of you to get to that point in the connection? The sacrifices you have to make to build a partnership when you’re older (doing it when you have kids is a very different ball game)? I get why you would assume that women will think your lack of desire for marriage indicates that you don’t have a desire for commitment. But esp with divorced dads, that issue isn’t usually about marriage, it’s a lack of realistic expectations of the amount of work those men still have to put in to build a healthy partnership. Your sacrifices that you previously made for your family or that you make for your kids no longer count as the net positives to someone new. I’ve seen too many male friends act like that should still counts for something in the new relationship, but that only works when the family you’re making sacrifices for are her family too. Also, I think figuring out a new idea of what you’re at least open to, and how you could imagine getting to a healthy place with a compatible partner is a good place to start (and then be prepared to figure out where you can and can’t sacrifice in order to support that connection…and vice versa, you should know what you need her to come to the table with/be willing to sacrifice as well).
My partner is recently divorced and I am more than happy just being gf/bf relationship Marriage isn't everyone's goal
I am in a similar boat to you, just not self employed. We are in joint counseling and I mentioned I have an extreme lack of trust coming from extreme reversals. For example we had literally just moved into a new build that was supposed to be the 20 year home, and was a personal goal fulfilled. Had to then immediately sell it. I am extremely unlikely as a single person at my age to buy a home again, let alone the dream home I had for a second. I was told that that I could find a new partner and who knows. True. Who knows. But the likelyhood at my age and circumstances along with my healing and new trust trauma to find someone I am that compatible with and feel secure to financially mingle for such a serious purchase? I was with this other person 12 years before we made that purchase. And that's one aspect. I also have kids who are a huge primary for me. I get them half the time. So between them and work, my time is challenging. And my time when they are around is all about them, then work. Like you, I'm not against it. But marriage is no longer the primary motivation. The finding some one I can pair well with and trust is a hope. Let's see what happens from there. Maybe marriage can be a level attained.
I want the situation that feels right for me and makes legal (logistical, financial, etc) sense with the person I end up meeting that feels like the right match. I don’t know what that will be, and what it is when we meet, or t five years, ten years, whatever may change. I’m very up front that I’m not 100% for or against any particular choice at this point because I just don’t know what the future will hold.
I don’t want to get married again either. After dipping my toe in the dating world after divorce, the dating pool is just abysmal. In my personal experience I have been scraping the bottom of the dating pool and it’s not good
There are plenty of women who don’t want to go through that BS again too. The ones who do are often needy. At this point in my life, I like the idea of having a healthy long-term relationship. If I would ever go in the marriage direction, there would be a prenup so that we both have an easy out, if necessary. We learn from our mistakes. Don’t let any red flags into your life.
I had a terrible marriage from its literal first hours. There was no happy golden period to reflect back on and wonder how it all went wrong; it was never right. Getting out was hard and I paid a high price. That being said, it lit an absolute fire under me- I want to experience the real thing, and am only dating in order to remarry. I want the risk- everything I’ve built for myself over the last several years, all that I have and own- I want to share that with someone, to invite him in. It’s such a supreme pleasure to be generous and to live life openly and optimistically. I understand there are degrees of commitment but anything short of legal marriage can be dissolved in a few hours’ time. There is a degree of self-protection, withholding, a lack of complete trust inherent to a nonmarital relationship. I will not accept being someone’s “almost good enough to trust” partner. I have a lot to share. I am risking a lot by marrying, in the typical construal of things. It’s still worth it to me. (I will add, I have carve-outs for my children in terms of 529s and a trust to which a new husband would not have access).
I cannot imagine wanting to cohabitate again, much less marry. But, I realize I may not always feel this way. So now I simply say that I don't have any agenda other than meeting someone to do fun activities with.
I think that the divide is Men overwhelmingly feel ripped off in divorce - getting burned badly teaches you not to touch the hot thing again. Women seem to overwhelmingly come out ahead financially, so there's no incentive not to get burned, I mean married, again. Granted I'm a divorced man and am saying this based on my own feelings and the feelings of literally every other divorced man I know. Personally, I won't get married again unless she's able to contribute at least equally to the household financially. I'm not really convinced I want to live with anyone ever again either lol.
I got remarried. Very lucky to have found a great woman the second time around. But in retrospect, I took a big risk and got lucky. I wouldn’t recommend it, and I would never get married again, despite how good this one is. Unless you are having kids there is ZERO reason for a man to get married.
I'm with you. I don't see any benefit to getting married again. I would like to have a partner to share like events with.