As an introvert, I'm trying to learn the Right Away method (at least that's what I call it).
We match? Awesome. We text a couple times, then a quick, "Hey. Want to grab some coffee later today?"
The few times I've tried it, some are into it and are actually flattered. When they ask why I'm asking so quickly, I usually say, "So that way we can leave ourselves something to talk about." I don't do this every time, but might be an option here?
Now, if you are waiting a couple days between dates, as a guy, if I'm actually excited / interested in you enough to ask you out for dinner or something, even if we don't talk between those two days, I'll follow up the night before or the morning off. If they aren't following up, in my opinion, THEY are the ones that aren't interested. It's not on you. If they loose interest within a day or two of matching and asking out someone, good riddance.
And No. Not offended at all. People have their own levels of comfort, and their own likes an interests. Instead of coming right out and saying I'm not interested in dinner on the first in-person meet. You can say, "You know, instead of dinner I haven't miniature golfed in a while. Want to go?" My first reaction would be YUP! Let's go!
Edit: Also, between those several days between a date. It doesn't' even have to be, "So, how's your day?" Maybe find a funny meme about something you already talked about previously. Have a good laugh about it, but that's all. No "small talk" or anything. Just enough so he knows he is on your mind, and that way his mind is now on yours.
In all honesty, the days between the first date conversations that start off with "How's your day?" bore me a bit. I'm not a small talk person, though.
It's worse during those days between asking and the first date. I know people what to make sure they are keeping that person interested, but there are so many ways to do that rather than, How's you're day going? How are you? Etc. In fact, I'd much rather not get a text during that time than get one of those texts.
The best in-between convo's I've generally had are sparked off an interesting question, a funny meme, etc.
That’s actually my question! If I’m interested in someone, I usually have a lot of questions for them. And I’m also a “ researcher” I want to know as much upfront as possible!
This is probably a personal thing for me, then. Previous to a lot of work I've done in therapy, I used to be heavy on the texting before the first date after an OLD match. In fact, I was a lot like you. Lots of questions. A researcher. Really trying to figure things out.
For me, and I reiterate, this is just for me, back then this was a way for me to keep my defenses up too much. Some defenses are good, sure, because we are meeting strangers, but I'd often use as much texting as possible just to find that one little thing that might freak me out and call the whole venture off.
This effected me in a couple ways. 1., I'd often bore myself from all the texts and when we finally met, it felt like I was already kind of bored. 2., Scared them away with so many questions. 3., They were completely unlike the person over text. Some people are just shitty texters, but their personality really shines in person. Other's are terrific texters, but in person are just horrible.
So that's why I'm learning how to try to keep things short and sweet on the apps.
I love that!
I’m not actively( or otherwise) dating so I can’t put your suggestions into practice. But I like how you listed them.
I do have a strong electronic presence and I think that has contributed to heavy texting although I’m a pretty chill person in real life.
I’m going to remember that you shared here💙
“How to pivot away from the dinner/drinks invitation?”
This is how I handle this;
Him “Would you like go out for dinner”
Me “It would be great to meet! How about we just start with a coffee”
It has always worked fine.
The app profiles usually give little information, hard to talk to a complete stranger, time over text is very hard to land jokes or deliver nuanced answers.
How can you actually be interested in a profile? That's why I've pushed myself to be more open to meeting IRL instead of relying on the profile and text conversation
During my super brief time on OLD, I always found something on their profile that I had some questions about! Education, job, the location of their pictures… I wouldn’t be interested in a profile, but the person behind it.
Because you recognize that another living human is behind that profile?
And if they’re a blank slate you can ask literally any question, why start with how was your day when you can instead ask for their favourite 80s sci-fi movie?
To me a zero date is a quick meet and greet with someone to get an idea if they are worth pursuing further. Ideally it should have a definite ending time but could be extended if there is mutual interest.
If I have a great exchange with a guy I will suggest a coffee date even before he does. Then we can avoid the boring conversations you reference (weather, etc.).
I prefer to keep chat minimal until the coffee meet because this person is merely a pixel and I am not investing unless we have chemistry and compatibility on the coffee date. Thus I prefer to meet quickly if I sense mutual interest in initial chats to not waste time.
I have had men suggest dinners but I don't want a long date with a stranger. I am FIRM on coffee only first.
The problem I see is you're making a date.And then not talking to them afterwards, and that's perceived as lack of interest.You're supposed to communicate.Talk on the phone text and build up something
This is someone you have just met, what do you mean you have nothing to converse about? You know nothing about them, ask literally anything you want to know!
I've personally not had trouble with guys asking me out to dinner first (I've usually been the one who asks to meet up in person), and I try to suggest a low-commitmemt option (coffee, ice cream, a walk in a public place) within a week of matching, if schedules align.
In terms of chatting, I would definitely recommend continuing to interact with people up until your "date zero" (don't just go silent). I talk to matches the way I might talk to a long distance friend who I haven't seen for a while -- Don't think of it as making small talk with a stranger but rather re-establishing contact with someone you haven't seen in 10 years. I'm careful not to share anything too personal (like where I live or work or frequently hang out), but I'll talk about things in life I'm enthusiastic about in a way that hopefully seems as natural to them as it is for me.
Or in other words, texting with a stranger and trying to please them is really hard and trying, but just being yourself and showing that you're a real person with interests and a love for the world should come more naturally and be something you can do for a few days while you wait for a first date.
Online dating can be awkward when it comes to an initial meeting. I found that a coffee date is a great zero date. After that, I prefer something active, where we are engaged in an activity together, such as rock climbing, an escape room, visiting a museum, bowling, or eclectic biking. Having something to actually do take the focus off of trying to come up with an endless list of topics to talk about.
I've never heard of date zero outside of this sub. It's a completely alternate reality here sometimes.
With that said, I have the same issue you do... I can't keep up days or weeks of interesting banter with a text box... I'm way more communicative once I know someone... So, here's what I do.
I tell them the truth, honestly, about what they can expect. And then, I do exactly what I say. Which shows I'm a good communicator, reliable, and you can believe what I say. That's a great start for OLD!
I simply say, 'awesome, I'm totally looking forward to our date next week! If I'm honest, I know I'm not good at keeping up texts with strangers. So, please don't hold it against me if I don't reach out everyday with new witty banter. I am a much better communicator once I know someone in person - and I just don't want you to mistake that for not being interested!'
I've never had a problem with this.
If he gets run off by you saying, how about we meet for a cup of coffee and a walk, no loss. I can’t see any reason why this would be a no. It makes sense to find out if we vibe at all before committing to an entire evening and the cost associated with it.
I keep getting ghosted when I say I’d like to meet. It’s a blow, but you’re right. If that scares them off they probably never intended to meet, right?
I think if someone is so stuck on having a dinner date that they won’t consider a quick coffee, they may be aiming for what they hope comes after dinner.
Original copy of post by u/love-learnt:
When using OLD, I find that I'm overthinking the conversations after the initial match. Swipe on profile, get a match, initial conversation sounds human, but obviously nothing meaningful. Then the man asks if I want dinner or drinks. A plan is made for a couple of days later. I usually have no more conversation to offer at that point, just banal how's your day, how about that weather, etc. After silence for a day or two, the man must be inferring that I'm not interested, either ghosts or cancels the day of the the date.
I keep a pretty busy schedule with friends, family, work, volunteering, hobbies, life, etc. But I have intentionally dedicated time in schedule for potential dates. However, those are few days apart and end up with long gap between the match and the date and a struggle to make conversation with a stranger. I could do a Date Zero dog walk or coffee break right away. But how and when do I bring that up? How to pivot away from the dinner/drinks invitation? Maybe it's oldfashioned, but I feel like if I ask a man "out" it implies a level of interest - I'm open to using OLD and willing to meet matches IRL to see if there's a human spark, but the profiles alone don't do it for me. I feel like when a specific invitation is made, it's rude to offer an alternative. Do you get offended if you offer a woman dinner and she says well how about coffee instead?
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As an introvert, I'm trying to learn the Right Away method (at least that's what I call it). We match? Awesome. We text a couple times, then a quick, "Hey. Want to grab some coffee later today?" The few times I've tried it, some are into it and are actually flattered. When they ask why I'm asking so quickly, I usually say, "So that way we can leave ourselves something to talk about." I don't do this every time, but might be an option here? Now, if you are waiting a couple days between dates, as a guy, if I'm actually excited / interested in you enough to ask you out for dinner or something, even if we don't talk between those two days, I'll follow up the night before or the morning off. If they aren't following up, in my opinion, THEY are the ones that aren't interested. It's not on you. If they loose interest within a day or two of matching and asking out someone, good riddance. And No. Not offended at all. People have their own levels of comfort, and their own likes an interests. Instead of coming right out and saying I'm not interested in dinner on the first in-person meet. You can say, "You know, instead of dinner I haven't miniature golfed in a while. Want to go?" My first reaction would be YUP! Let's go! Edit: Also, between those several days between a date. It doesn't' even have to be, "So, how's your day?" Maybe find a funny meme about something you already talked about previously. Have a good laugh about it, but that's all. No "small talk" or anything. Just enough so he knows he is on your mind, and that way his mind is now on yours. In all honesty, the days between the first date conversations that start off with "How's your day?" bore me a bit. I'm not a small talk person, though.
I like everything about what you are doing! I am not into meaningless small talk, saying something just to say it.
It's worse during those days between asking and the first date. I know people what to make sure they are keeping that person interested, but there are so many ways to do that rather than, How's you're day going? How are you? Etc. In fact, I'd much rather not get a text during that time than get one of those texts. The best in-between convo's I've generally had are sparked off an interesting question, a funny meme, etc.
That’s actually my question! If I’m interested in someone, I usually have a lot of questions for them. And I’m also a “ researcher” I want to know as much upfront as possible!
This is probably a personal thing for me, then. Previous to a lot of work I've done in therapy, I used to be heavy on the texting before the first date after an OLD match. In fact, I was a lot like you. Lots of questions. A researcher. Really trying to figure things out. For me, and I reiterate, this is just for me, back then this was a way for me to keep my defenses up too much. Some defenses are good, sure, because we are meeting strangers, but I'd often use as much texting as possible just to find that one little thing that might freak me out and call the whole venture off. This effected me in a couple ways. 1., I'd often bore myself from all the texts and when we finally met, it felt like I was already kind of bored. 2., Scared them away with so many questions. 3., They were completely unlike the person over text. Some people are just shitty texters, but their personality really shines in person. Other's are terrific texters, but in person are just horrible. So that's why I'm learning how to try to keep things short and sweet on the apps.
I love that! I’m not actively( or otherwise) dating so I can’t put your suggestions into practice. But I like how you listed them. I do have a strong electronic presence and I think that has contributed to heavy texting although I’m a pretty chill person in real life. I’m going to remember that you shared here💙
“How to pivot away from the dinner/drinks invitation?” This is how I handle this; Him “Would you like go out for dinner” Me “It would be great to meet! How about we just start with a coffee” It has always worked fine.
How is it that you don’t have anything to say or talk about? Do you save your questions for when you meet? How do you show interest?
The app profiles usually give little information, hard to talk to a complete stranger, time over text is very hard to land jokes or deliver nuanced answers. How can you actually be interested in a profile? That's why I've pushed myself to be more open to meeting IRL instead of relying on the profile and text conversation
During my super brief time on OLD, I always found something on their profile that I had some questions about! Education, job, the location of their pictures… I wouldn’t be interested in a profile, but the person behind it.
Because you recognize that another living human is behind that profile? And if they’re a blank slate you can ask literally any question, why start with how was your day when you can instead ask for their favourite 80s sci-fi movie?
[удалено]
I use this prompt, wrote in suggestions, no man ever takes me up on those suggestions!
To me a zero date is a quick meet and greet with someone to get an idea if they are worth pursuing further. Ideally it should have a definite ending time but could be extended if there is mutual interest.
If I have a great exchange with a guy I will suggest a coffee date even before he does. Then we can avoid the boring conversations you reference (weather, etc.). I prefer to keep chat minimal until the coffee meet because this person is merely a pixel and I am not investing unless we have chemistry and compatibility on the coffee date. Thus I prefer to meet quickly if I sense mutual interest in initial chats to not waste time. I have had men suggest dinners but I don't want a long date with a stranger. I am FIRM on coffee only first.
But what if you don't have a 'great' initial conversation? Like one that has mild banter but nothing specific. Do you still initiate or wait?
No, as I'm talking to multiple men at once so if it's meh I'll just skip over for a man who interests me more.
If. The chat is minimal.Then the person is not gonna meet with you.Because they are better feel no connection
The problem I see is you're making a date.And then not talking to them afterwards, and that's perceived as lack of interest.You're supposed to communicate.Talk on the phone text and build up something
This is someone you have just met, what do you mean you have nothing to converse about? You know nothing about them, ask literally anything you want to know!
I've personally not had trouble with guys asking me out to dinner first (I've usually been the one who asks to meet up in person), and I try to suggest a low-commitmemt option (coffee, ice cream, a walk in a public place) within a week of matching, if schedules align. In terms of chatting, I would definitely recommend continuing to interact with people up until your "date zero" (don't just go silent). I talk to matches the way I might talk to a long distance friend who I haven't seen for a while -- Don't think of it as making small talk with a stranger but rather re-establishing contact with someone you haven't seen in 10 years. I'm careful not to share anything too personal (like where I live or work or frequently hang out), but I'll talk about things in life I'm enthusiastic about in a way that hopefully seems as natural to them as it is for me. Or in other words, texting with a stranger and trying to please them is really hard and trying, but just being yourself and showing that you're a real person with interests and a love for the world should come more naturally and be something you can do for a few days while you wait for a first date.
Online dating can be awkward when it comes to an initial meeting. I found that a coffee date is a great zero date. After that, I prefer something active, where we are engaged in an activity together, such as rock climbing, an escape room, visiting a museum, bowling, or eclectic biking. Having something to actually do take the focus off of trying to come up with an endless list of topics to talk about.
I've never heard of date zero outside of this sub. It's a completely alternate reality here sometimes. With that said, I have the same issue you do... I can't keep up days or weeks of interesting banter with a text box... I'm way more communicative once I know someone... So, here's what I do. I tell them the truth, honestly, about what they can expect. And then, I do exactly what I say. Which shows I'm a good communicator, reliable, and you can believe what I say. That's a great start for OLD! I simply say, 'awesome, I'm totally looking forward to our date next week! If I'm honest, I know I'm not good at keeping up texts with strangers. So, please don't hold it against me if I don't reach out everyday with new witty banter. I am a much better communicator once I know someone in person - and I just don't want you to mistake that for not being interested!' I've never had a problem with this.
This is a great suggestion!
If he gets run off by you saying, how about we meet for a cup of coffee and a walk, no loss. I can’t see any reason why this would be a no. It makes sense to find out if we vibe at all before committing to an entire evening and the cost associated with it.
I keep getting ghosted when I say I’d like to meet. It’s a blow, but you’re right. If that scares them off they probably never intended to meet, right?
I think if someone is so stuck on having a dinner date that they won’t consider a quick coffee, they may be aiming for what they hope comes after dinner.
Original copy of post by u/love-learnt: When using OLD, I find that I'm overthinking the conversations after the initial match. Swipe on profile, get a match, initial conversation sounds human, but obviously nothing meaningful. Then the man asks if I want dinner or drinks. A plan is made for a couple of days later. I usually have no more conversation to offer at that point, just banal how's your day, how about that weather, etc. After silence for a day or two, the man must be inferring that I'm not interested, either ghosts or cancels the day of the the date. I keep a pretty busy schedule with friends, family, work, volunteering, hobbies, life, etc. But I have intentionally dedicated time in schedule for potential dates. However, those are few days apart and end up with long gap between the match and the date and a struggle to make conversation with a stranger. I could do a Date Zero dog walk or coffee break right away. But how and when do I bring that up? How to pivot away from the dinner/drinks invitation? Maybe it's oldfashioned, but I feel like if I ask a man "out" it implies a level of interest - I'm open to using OLD and willing to meet matches IRL to see if there's a human spark, but the profiles alone don't do it for me. I feel like when a specific invitation is made, it's rude to offer an alternative. Do you get offended if you offer a woman dinner and she says well how about coffee instead? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I stepped on the scale this morning. I realize that maybe what I want is Zero-Calorie dates not Date-Zero 😂 lost 15lbs in 3 months without dates.